This Transition

Dear Aunt B,

I know you stated on your website to go ahead and ask any question. But as I began to write mine I noticed I was writing too much haha, it is a very long story and I don’t want to take up too much of your time because I see how many people have already written to you and they had straight to the point stories, not taking up more than 2 paragraphs. But I just really needed someone to talk to, so I basically poured my heart out haha. Is that okay to send to you anyway or would it be better if I tried summing it up more? Whatever is convenient for you just let me know and I will shorten my big long story 🙂

Editor’s Note; I wrote back to Jennifer the following…

“Hello Jennifer,

I am in receipt of your part one question. I welcome you to please tell me everything you feel you need to say. There is no limit or guideline, short or long. The more I know, the better to help you.

I’ll welcome your reply and will answer you asap!”

I then received her next letter which Xmichra kindly took the time to answer.



Well Aunt B, here is my story. I am only 20 years old but have put myself in an awkward position and need help getting out of it. I have been dating this person for almost 5 years. We were high school sweethearts and are still together to this day. He’s a good person, my mom loves him, we have seen each other grow and even helped each other grow as well. All of our family encourages our relationship and have never once doubted anything we did as a couple. Even our friends call us the “real deal”. At one point in our relationship, around our 3rd year together (i know, i know.. we were still very young) we began to talk about marriage and having kids. Everything seemed so perfect, he was my best friend, he was always there for me. There was nothing negative I could say about him or about the relationship, even now. And to be honest, when I made these decisions with him I really believe I did it out of comfort. Because I figured nobody as perfect or more perfect than him would come along and I was afraid to find out anyway. And over the following years I believed I let go of that fear because I felt it in my heart that I was genuinely wanting this life with him. But then I started college in the fall of 2008 and I was making friends left and right. Catching up with high school friends and finding new ones. He and I had our differences and sometimes clashed. But we never argued, we would always discuss how we felt and didn’t leave anything unsaid until we found a mutual understanding. And believe me I am grateful for that because I know other couples don’t have it picture perfect. I don’t want to sound like I am complaining but , all the “perfectness” started to get under my skin. And I really tried to fight it because I did not want to feel like a brat or lose what was most valuable to me over a silly phase.

But I couldn’t help how I was feeling. The more we had these discussions the more I began to realize our differences, which seem like a lot. I realized how jealous he was, how controlling, and needy he was. He didn’t want me to dress a certain way leaving the house, he didn’t want me talking to any boys even if they were old friends, he did not like for me to attend any kind of events, parties, get togethers, or even bowling with a few friends. He would get upset if I didn’t call him to let him know where I was, when I got home, or who I was with. He did not want me having any kind of webpage like myspace, facebook, etc. He did not even want me texting anyone back while I was on the phone with him. I just began feeling suffocated. But we are the type of people to want to resolve things instead of getting mad or “getting back” at eachother. So I was patient, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt at least 80% of the time. But then we started having double standard issues.

He would hang out with his friends or family and not call me for two days. Or he would go get his hair cut and wear a nice outfit on a regular tuesday. All these things, were things that honestly did not bother me. I love when he dresses nice, I want him to socialize and what not. But it seemed like he was taking advantage of it. He understood where the double standard stood but he was too stubborn to try and fix it. I remember our first arguement was when I had to take a business trip to florida for 2 weeks. He complained about how much he missed me the entire time. When I got back I called him to let him know I had landed safely and he did not pick up. I tried again later that night, still no answer. So I left him a voicemail telling him goodnight and that I love him. The next day, no calls, no texts. The day after that he calls and was talking to me like everything was fine. I was surprised because he’s such an anal person, he usually calls my phone billions of times a day when I go on trips. But I didn’t think anything of it. The day after that, no word from him again. So now I’m thinking there’s something wrong, because he hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back, which is very rare for him to do. Then a few more days pass by, I get one call in 3 days. On the fourth day he says we need to talk. So we meet up at the park and he says he’s feeling suffocated..surprise surprise right. He said sometimes he doesn’t want to be on the phone with me all day because he wants time to hang out with his brothers and his friends. He said he doesn’t want to sit on the phone for hours after he has already seen me. And my reply was “But I’m doing all of this because you want that. You’re the one who calls me the most and you complain if I want to get off the phone or have to. You tell me to call you every time I make a move. All of this I do for you.” And somehow we began to argue, it was a really stupid arguement but we got over it, we ended up just talking it out. A couple of days passed and I call him just to say hi on my lunch break at work, we talked for a few minutes then I asked so what are your plans for the rest of the day and he said he was leaving to california. I was kinda shocked, he was just ready to take his little vacation and he had known about it for a week and didn’t say anything to me. I was not happy with the way he had been acting at all so I confronted him. And his excuse was, he thought I’d be upset if he told me earlier so he decided to put it off til the day of. So by this time I’m feeling really, really annoyed with him and I’m not sure why. But I began to raise my voice, I was really frustrated with him. I was bringing up all sorts of things, I mentioned how he still hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back from florida, how he would have chewed me up and spit me back out for making plans to go to cali without telling him, etc. And again, we argued, talked it out and went about our business.

Little things like that kept happening here and there. Then I met this guy in college, he was very very nice and his personality just attracted me to him very very much. He was everything I was attracted to, very tall, well dressed, handsome face, and nicely built. I had a little crush on him and it wasn’t for a long time until I realized that everytime I was around him I completely forgot about my boyfriend. We ended up hanging out on a regular basis. But nothing more than friends at that time. He would take me out for breakfast after our first class, then sometimes would stay after his last class waiting for me to get out of mine just so he could talk to me before we both left the campus. I was slowly drifting away from my boyfriend without really realizing it. Then one day the guy from school was walking me to my class one afternoon after we had got back from a little cafe across the street. He asked if he could get a kiss on his cheek and I thought it was the cutest thing ever. And i don’t know what made me do it but I did, I went to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head and kissed me on the lips, then just walked away. I was still standing there in shock for a few seconds. And the whole time in class all I kept thinking about was him, I didn’t even once think of the bigger issue, the fact that I had a boyfriend who I am supposingly in love with but I just let another guy who I have the biggest puppy crush on, kiss me. So to make an extremely long story, a bit shorter.. I spent the night at his house one night and did something I really probably shouldn’t have. I broke all my rules with this guy. My boyfriend of 4 years had been my first and only everything and vice versa. We took eachother’s virginity and he was my first boyfriend and my first kiss. I had made a promise to myself and God that I would give my body to only one man for the rest of my life, since I had started having sex before marriage. But obviously that promise wasn’t strong enough because I had sex with the guy from college that night. But still I wasn’t thinking of the fact that I was now cheating on my boyfriend and breaking my promise to God.

That same night we had decided to start a relationship between us. And a few weeks later he told me he loved me. And I was very very cautious and skeptical at first. But I started believing it little by little, just because of his actions. He would still tell me “i love you” even though I never said it back. He didn’t stop being a gentlemen or doing the nice and thoughtful things he did even before we began dating. He was very attentive and was always trying to find ways and things to please me. And one day it just hit me that I was in love with him and not my boyfriend. But I just couldn’t let go of my boyfriend, I don’t understand why. I know I was still with him out of comfort but at the same time I was falling in love with another guy, so why was I still comfortable with him and not the college guy. So I held onto my first boyfriend and as bad as it sounds I wasn’t feeling guilty. I hate to say it but it is the truth and I can not deny it. Things were going great with this college guy. He wanted me to look my best, he wanted me to socialize with friends and was not hesistent to bring me around his guy friends. He wanted me to meet his mother and his mother instantly took a liking to me. He wanted me to attend all the family gatherings and would introduce me proudly.

There are some things about him though that are a little less than nice. He is also 20 years old, but he has a 3 year old son. He smokes weed on a weekly basis, he loves to watch porn and still keeps condoms in his car & on his nightstand even though he knows I am allergic to the lubricant in condoms. One night he left me all dressed up waiting for him to come pick me up for a dinner date. And when I asked what had happened he said he got caught up at the studio (he is a musician). But two days later I was at his house and we were taking a nap, I woke up to turn the TV off and accidently knocked our cellphones off his nightstand. So as I went to pick them up I noticed ticket stubs for the movies under his wallet, I picked one up and it said 9:10pm and the exact date of the day he stood me up. So I got curious but for some reason didn’t even confront him about it. The next week I left for a trip to florida to visit family. He was very sweet about it and told me he would call me every day. He told me to enjoy myself and behave. He gave me a very expensive bracelet and told me to wear it proudly and think of him everytime I put it on.

When I came back things were still good. Then I began to argue again with my first boyfriend. We would stop talking for weeks at a time, then get back on the phone very cold and distant. We both noticed the change, but I was still not letting him go. We had not seen eachother for about 3 months by then. This pattern continued over the next months and my birthday came around, which was the 25th of june, not too long ago. My other boyfriend wanted to spend that day with me so he tried to book a hotel for us, but he had lost his job due to a trip he had to make to california to see his son, but the company he was with told him he did not have any vacation time and that they would just have to lay him off since he was only working there for about 2 months. So he did not have a steady income and was doing little work here and there like construction and performing at night clubs. But most of his money he had to send to his son, which is totally understandable and I even encouraged it. So I decided I would book the hotel since he had already done a lot for me previous to being laid off. I booked the hotel, I bought the candles, the bubble bath, the flower petals and the whole nine. The night did not go as romantic as I had planned for it to go. He brought his ps3, his cds and his weed. I was kind of disappointed I’m not gonna lie. But the way he was looking at me and touching me, I was just melting and ignoring everything else. He asked if it was okay to smoke in front of me and I really don’t know why I said yes because I hated the fact that he smoked and certainly did not want to see him doing it. So he began preparing his stuff to smoke and asked me if I would do it with him just one time. And I said no, then he started to beg and mentioned how he drank alcohol with me at one of my family’s parties even though he didn’t drink. So I figured if he did that for me I could do this just once. And I did, and the feeling was not too pleasant. I was enjoying the mood with him but I didn’t like the effect the drug had on me. That night had its ups & downs. And he ended up falling asleep on me earlier than I had planned, which kind of ruined the rest of the night because I was wide awake and had planned all these things I wanted to do with him. We didn’t light any of the candles, the flower petals remained in their box, the sex oils were not used, the bubble bath and huge jacuzzi in the middle of our room went untouched. So there I was, high as a kite, bored, upset, hungry and irritated. Then he woke up around 3am and ordered room service, which kind of made things a little better because he knew how to order my food since I am a picky eater. He asked for a special dessert to my liking, he asked for flowers and for a small cake to be brought to our room that said happy birthday on it. And it was that kind of thing that had me back and forth with him. Because he would do something I didn’t like or something questionable but then it was like he balanced it out and did something thoughtful right behind it, so there was no room for confrontation or a window left open to argue.

A few days later my first boyfriend called and said he was sorry for not being able to spend my birthday with me because he works at a car dealership and is a salesmen and a supervisor and is always working, sometimes from bell to bell. He said he would like a chance to make it up and that he had a special gift for me. So he came to pick me up that night and he had a fish tank in the back of his car and when I looked in it, it had two baby turtles. That is one of my favorite animals and had always wanted little ones as a pet. My heart started beating faster and all of a sudden I stopped thinking of my other boyfriend. I couldn’t believe he remembered and that he would spend so much money getting it for me. He was not the gift giving type. I took the turtles inside my house and got back in his car, he took me to an old church parking lot and told me to get in the drivers seat. I didn’t know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me and my mom was always promising to teach me but never followed through. He knew that was something I would really, really appreciate. So he taught me how to drive that night. He even let me drive all the way back to my house. Then he gave me a calendar for 2009-2010. And each month had a big picture of us back in High School. And The month of our anniversary had a picture of us standing together in the spot where we had our first kiss. I was speechless, I knew he took his time planning this and put all his money into it.

So now I am trying to re evaluate things with both of them, because I realize my errors and I know I can not take them back or fix them. But I can start doing the right thing, I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I feel strongly for them both. And I keep making the same lists of pros & cons for both. The college boyfriend has the personality, the lifestyle and the looks. My high school boyfriend has the morals, the respect, the goals and the loyalty. I’m torn between the two. When I think of my college boyfriend I think of how much fun we have together. How he makes me feel and how good of a person he is. How sweet he can be and how independent he is. How his mother tells me the significant change she has seen in him ever since we got together and how he’s is a much better person when I’m around. How he holds my hand and always wants to bring me around family and wants to always be around mine. He tells me how I’m the only person he doesn’t get tired of being around, that even his mother and closest friends annoy him after a while. He always wants to see me and is hard on himself when he can’t take me out to places or buy me things. He talks about us moving in together and how he’s never felt the way he feels for me for any other girl. But I also think of him smoking, and watching all this porn, and the condoms, his obsession with girls, his son, his goal to be rich and famous, his lack of nuturing sometimes and his attitude. He is kind of mean and when we play fight he leaves marks and bruises. One minute he’s saying I love you and holding me, then the next he’s avoiding asking me to come see him perform or texting me all day for 2 days straight instead of calling. He asks me to buy him things and says a lot of cocky things that are almost hurtful sometimes. He will play around with things but in a mean way. Like he will tell me to get a job, even though he’s jobless as well and knows how hard I am trying to find employment. He will say things like “do this or do that, stop doing this or stop doing that if not ill break up with you”. He will slap my butt with all his force when we play fight when I ask him not to, then apologizes and kisses it when he sees the welts. With him it’s like a rollercoaster, we’re always down to make up. He has even admitted to not knowing his own strength sometimes. He is 6’4 and 240lbs. I am 5’2 and 130lbs, an odd match right?

And with the high school boyfriend, I think of how long we’ve been together. How much we’ve been thru together. We have seen eachother in our worst times and have been there cheering eachother on in our glory. I think of how he has never disrespected me or ever played around like my other boyfriend does. How he doesn’t want me attracting the wrong attention for my own safety, not out of jealousy. How he doesn’t want me around the wrong crowd for the same reason. How he always puts my feelings first and will sacrifice everything he has for me. He will take the bus from one city to another just to see me for 5 minutes, which he has done before back in High School when he wasn’t driving. I think of him being my first and vice versa. I think of having a future with him and knowing he would be a great husband and father. Then I also think of the double standards. How he won’t change it no matter how many times we argue. How he will fist fight with another man for just looking at me funny. How he doesn’t want to bring me around his cousins or brothers in california. How he wants me to stay at home all day unless im with him. How he won’t allow me to interact online with friends. How he doesn’t even want me to wear a sundress to school. How he doesn’t want me doing my hair all the time because I attract attention. How he has admitted to not wanting me to stay in shape because he thinks if I gain a little weight less people will find me attractive. How he doesn’t like going out with me on dates. He doesn’t like to go to parties or clubs or even the movies because he doesn’t want me getting dressed up. How on several occasions he made me put on his big hoodie if we were around his friends so they wouldn’t notice my chest so much. How he doesn’t want me to greet his guy friends with hugs, but will greet another girl with a hug sometimes. How he gets upset if I buy tight jeans or heels and always says “its not like im gonna let you wear it anyway, so why bother buying it”. How I really am not attracted to him physically, more mentally than anything. And how we stopped really getting along like boyfriend and girlfriend slowly after our 3rd year together. It felt like a best friend, who you will argue with from time to time, but have so much history and his always be there for eachother and be a part of eachother’s lives.

I’m scared to continue letting my gaurd down with the college guy because of how fast things are going. We will have been together for just one year in october. I can’t really tell what our future holds as a couple. I truely love him and would love to grow together, I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them. I see all the good in him and see his potential. I’m just scared and sometimes I really don’t know why.

And with my first boyfriend I just don’t know how to let go. I want him to be a part of my life but not relationship wise. I think of what if I stay with him forever. I think I would just be complacent, but not fully happy. I would appreciate him and value him but I would be sticking around out of fear to venture, out of guilt and out of not giving myself enough credit to find someone perfect for me. It is just very difficult to throw away the years and the memories over confusion. I don’t want to make anymore mistakes and I want a chance to redeem myself with God because I know I have been doing wrong without even caring. And I am open to the criticism and to be called out on my faults because I know I need to hear it and I need to fix my personal problems before I can fix others.

Dear Torn:

Sounds to me like you are doing a lot of soul searching actually. People change and grow going from a teenager to a young adult. They change all the time, but this transition seems to have to most affect on a person’s attitudes on life and love.

Before I go any further, my honest advice would be to stop with the both of them all together, take some time out for yourself and try to figure out what it is you really want (and not from them) in your life, what your goals are, and what you think you deserve. These are things that you should be thinking about before entering into another (or current) long term relationship, or you are not being fair to yourself or to the other participant.

I would like to encourage you to reread this letter that you wrote, but skip to the last four paragraphs. I want you to read them, your pro and con list, and tell me (or better yet, yourself) why you are with either of these guys. Read the paragraphs two or three times if needed. You are making a pro and con list of the two guys… well what about the pros and cons themselves, and how they affect YOU.

As for the weighing options… well, there really isn’t much to weigh. You have out grown your first boyfriend and his choices. You want to remain friends, but don’t know what to do or say to ensure you don’t lose him. Here’s the thing – that’s not up to you. You should break it off with him (because you know it’s the right thing to do) by telling him that you two have grown apart, but you still love and cherish your friendship. You can tell him that you would hate to be on the outs with him and would like to remain friends, and see where it goes. Honestly, if you have the time for the other guy… I suspect he has another girl and is doing the same thing as you. Regardless, once you break it off and extend the branch, it’s up to him on whether he wants it or not. I would not bring up that you have been messing about with some other bloke for the past year, etc. That would just hurt him, to clear your conscious. Which isn’t fair.

With the second guy… it sounds as though you are being played big time. The guy is used to getting out of “girl jams” by being kind and cute. But laying condoms out and about when you aren’t using them… don’t you think he might be using them with someone else? Does he know about your boyfriend, and is he okay with it? And the “slight playing” where he leaves welts is totally not cool. Nor is it cool that he puts you down, in the manor of a joke (like the unemployment thing) and you aren’t seeing it because it isn’t blatant. Okay, you said something that I really really really want you to understand. You said : “I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them”. I really want to point this out to you, because it is a flaw a lot of people make through their entire life. I am telling you, with absolute certainty, that this is wrong. Only the person who wants to change, will change. And they will do it his/her self, for themselves. A person cannot (and will not) change just for another person without regret, judgement and feeling resentful. If you think you can change a person, I am sorry but you are going to get hurt.

Right now you are basing you attraction to boy #2 on sexual desire for a physic, and that can be dangerous. You are overlooking all the things that make you not like him at all, in favour for the things you *do* like, that you didn’t get with boy #1.

The point of being with a partner is not to change them. It is to understand and love them because of their similarities, AND their differences to you. The things that last for couples tend to be on a totally moral and value scale, not on looks. And being in your twenties is a time of discovery and helps to form and solidify your beliefs and values. I am not going to go into the whole god aspect, because I think you should figure all that stuff for yourself. But you don’t have to be constantly worried about being sent to hell, because you are trying to figure things out. If you want to do well by your god, and his word… then do so. Make it a point to be honest, starting with yourself. Make it a point to let go, and to be fair. Doing these things takes courage, and it will create unfamiliar territory (being single) but in the long run YOU will benefit from learning about yourself, and what you need from life.

I hope you find the clarity you require to find yourself through all of this.

~Xmichra

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Lipstick Notch

Dear Aunt B,

hi my name is Ashley. i have been with my husband for nine years. lately he has shown a great interest in pornography featuring black girls with big butts. he also dated women fitting that description while we were separated. i am the complete opposite of that. i am a white petite female. our sex life has diminished. he isnt showing much interest in me. i don’t know what to do or what to think. most guys go gaga over me i don’t understand why my husband does not anymore.

Dear Ashley,

Unfortunately, this is happening all across America. Due to the prevalence and easier access to Porn via the Internet, I personally believe that our men may be falling into the trap of “Desensitization.”

I really feel for you and realize just how important it is for us to be the object of our mans desires. It hurts deeply when we find out that we may not be all that in his eyes. But if every woman in America, especially the wives could actually read our husbands minds, well suffice it to say, we’d be scarred for life, appalled as well as grief stricken.

Men are hard wired differently than we are and are actually in a constant state of warfare as to putting off their desires, not acting upon them and keeping themselves in check. Even the greatest of men have fallen especially when they have some little floozy throwing her junk in his face on the daily. It happens at work, it happens at the bars, it happens when we, as well as they, least expect it.

There’s nothing funny about it but it’s hard not to laugh when you realize that if you ask the average man about his will to sustain, you know to not fool around on his wife or girlfriend, he’ll often feel that he deserves Kudos for his good behavior. I mean after all, he fights it off every day and in a funny sort of way, he does deserve a cookie.

Yes, these days our morals are going to hell in a hand basket and there are girls, not women out there that’d just love to bed Your man down. They see the wedding ring and observe it as a challenge. Just for shits-n-giggles they’ll want your husband as another Lipstick Notch on their bed post.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, for starters you must be aware of his needs, not in a subservient way but in an understanding of how he’s wired with a mutual willingness to please. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts you want to keep his attention as well as keep him shopping at “your store.”

You’ll want to jazz it up, for one thing. It’s like this; Marriage and when I speak of marriage I do firmly believe that if you are living together as well as sleeping together in the “Marriage Bed” you are simply lacking a piece of paper that validates it in the eyes of the Law. That simplified, the marriage bed is a partnership, a two to Tango situation and a thing to be cherished and more importantly worked at. It must be cultivated and nurtured if we want it to grow. It must be seen in all seriousness and never taken for granted, our first and foremost downfall.

Flip The Script

My suggestion to you is one where you need to step up to the plate and bat. You need to take charge and begin to fight for your man. This is not “I am woman hear me Roar” speech but I do want you to begin to be less a victim. Begin with a more blitzkrieg approach;

You must state your needs, asserting your likes and dislikes, what you will as well as will not stand for. For starters, you’ll have to put the shoe on the other foot…

He will look funny in your high heels, hahaha, but you’ll have to put things in terms he’ll understand. For one thing, you should ask him if he would be bothered if you were watching other men, porn to be exact? Give him the scenario that how would he feel if he came home, looked at the History on your computer and saw that you were watching men with huge cocks? Yea, I said it! Many men, even if they are well endowed are intimidated by other men and their package if it’s bigger than theirs. Ask him how he would feel if he saw that every few days you were watching this sort of thing and not just for a few minutes but for long periods of time. Would it not bother him? Would it not make him feel inadequate? Would he possibly wonder that there’s a chance that you were not satisfied with his manhood?

If he says that all that does not bother him, I’ll call him a damn liar!!! The point is that that exact scenario is how you feel when he looks at the sort of things he’s been looking at. You are not black nor do you have a big booty so how could you ever measure up to his specifications?

All this Porn watching does not mean that he does not love you. What it does mean though, carries the implication that he does, possibly take you for granted and is not doing his part in the cultivation of your marriage? At the same time as I stated before, you’ve got to work at tripping his trigger. This may be a stinging indictment for both of you?

My Advice would be to sit down and get it all out lest you explode with resentment. Furthermore, I also suggest that you engage him in the understanding, a meeting of the minds that his behavior is hurtful and makes you feel like shit, less than and not capable to measure up.

The Solution

It would be rather kind of him to agree to limit his “Porn Time” just for starters. You’ll never get anywhere if you demand it and he’ll just begin to get sneaky about it. Putting that shoe on his foot, as I stated may make him understand that it is extremely hurtful to you as well as desensitizing to him. He may not realize it but men who watch really XXX porn, you know the down and dirty stuff have a harder time getting aroused unless they are, themselves engaged in dirty dirty stuff.

So, he’d be doing himself and of course you a favor if he saved himself for you, watched less porn and masturbated less. Yes, normally the two go hand in hand, no pun intended!

Working on your marriage bed action has got to be Priority One. I also suggest that you invest in a vibrator and use it with him in your foreplay. If you need to know why I suggest this, I welcome you or anyone else to write me and I’ll be more than happy to communicate why I feel this is important.

Don’t be shy!!!You’d be surprised!!!

Email Babz

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Suggested Reading;

Sexual Healing

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Envision Every Answer

Dear Aunt B,

This might not seem like a big deal to other people, but it’s taking over my mind.

I am sixteen years old, I am a sophomore. I used to date this guy, we were never boyfriend and girlfriend but we were defiantly dating. He is a senior, he’s 2nd in his class president of national honors society and school president. He got into Georgetown, but then decided to go to UNC on a full ride. Which is about an hour from where we live. He broke it off with me after about a month, because he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend at the time. There has been no other girls since me for him. This was from the beginning of January to the end of January. I had other casual relationships, but nothing serious at all. I was over him. I really was, like completely. but always kinda in the back of my mind still liked him, but nothing serious. Lately, I’ve liked him so much. I saw him in the halls and we say hi and stuff. On the last day of school for him [since he’s a senior he got to leave before me]. I left him a note and stuck it through his sun roof saying, I know he’ll do amazing things in life and thank you for everything. [Ive told him things ive never told anyone because i felt comfortable with him] he responded with a text right when he got the note that said “Thanks so much for the note! It means a lot. I seriously meant everything i wrote in that long facebook message. Bye Isabella.. 😦 the message basically said that he will always be here for me no matter what. and he thinks im a great person. then i told him, not to say goodbye, but say see you later, because you never know when our paths will cross again. Ever since that, i cant stop thinking about him. It’s so horrible. I want to tell him SO BAD how i feel, but i feel like it’s too late since he’s going to college soon and traveling the world all summer. But i cant stop thinking about telling him, and when i’m about to text him or facebook message him i stop. I went to his graduation two nights ago and he did a speech, and it made me want to tell him even more. this is driving me CRAZY. i cant believe i’m even doing this advice thing because usually i’m a very independent person.

our recent facebook wall conversation: read bottom to top.

Isabella Murray:Yes i was. i saw you. but so did everyone else..hahah.
very good job on your speech, i’m impressed.
actually not really cause i knew it’d be that good.
Yesterday 12:56pm

Joel:were u at the graduation?
Yesterday at 12:44pm

Isabella Murray: It’s all good. I’m glad you’ll get to do your speech tonight; I can’t wait to hear it.
Good luck, even though I know you’ll do muy bien.
Fri 1:25pm

Joel: haha yeah im sry about that quick little “hi.” i was kinda disturbed at the time and i wasn’t thinking straight
Fri 12:40am

Isabella Murray: told you i’d see you again. 🙂
Thu 7:47pm

Please dont sugar coat anything, i just need real advice! thanks so much!

Dear Reader,

Normally I would be telling you to move forward, because really there isn’t much you can do. EXCEPT, there is one more thing you can do! You can flat out tell him how you feel. If he states the same, great! And if he tells you he’s just not *there*, well you are in no worse shape than you are now are you??

You need to figure out if this is one of those moments in time where you will look back and regret never have telling him your true feelings. Your life from this point on, I am sure will be great regardless of what you choose, but you do not want to be a few days, weeks, months, years down the road and regretting this decision.

There is a famous saying: better to regret something you’ve done, than something you haven’t.

Personally I find this to be true when dealing with matters of the heart.

Wishing you courage & blessings.

X~Xmichra

Dear Reader,

G-Friend, I feel you should live like there’s no tomorrow. Always…

The one thing I’d like you to carry with you all your life is very easy and simple. It’ll apply to almost every scenario and situation from landing that new job to saying good-bye to a loved one in death;

“Say what needs to be said. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Do your damnedest not too say it too mean”

Aunt B

The crux of the matter is to envision every answer to every question. In example; Let’s say you are timid or fearful of asking a guy out. I mean it might take a little chutzpah to wear your heart on your sleeve, at times, right? But in the continuum of living empowered and moving forward, I guaran damn tee you’ll get more out of life if you just ask your question. The point is, like I was saying, is to anticipate any and all answers you may get to any specific question. Now, don’t over analyze things (as I tend to do it’ll drive you crazy, just like me) but as I mentioned, let’s say you want to ask a certain fella out. The multiple choice answers you might get are;

Yea, sure I’d love to
No thanks I’m seeing someone
Give me your number and I’ll call you
Bitch, ya must’ve fallen and bumped your head
Not if you were the last imbecile on earth

Yes, a few are a bit extreme, lol but you get the picture, right? OK, so you think of the worst possible outcome to your question/rejection with an anticipatory stance, realizing that no matter what the outcome, no matter what the answer is, even at it’s worst, you can live with it. And you hope for the best.

I hope you will write me and tell me that you ingested this and it is working for you. Rejection is never easy, of this I know. But when you come to grips with who and what you are and represent, accept who you are with the knowledge that not everyone will like you, Que Sera Sera, your life will begin. Having said this, the secret is that if they turn you down…it was never meant to be!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Fighting Fire with Fire; SPIN

You may just call me crazy by the end of this post…

Dear Aunt Babs,

I have lived in a new subdivision for about 6 years with my husband and three young children. After the first year a 20’s something women moved in next door with her husband and child. On our first introduction she wanted to know every detail of my home (example: square footage of rooms, window count, blah, blah). She made me feel very uneasy so I kept my distance from her, but I would still stay polite and engage in greetings and very small talk.

As we would make improvements to our home like landscaping, painting or basically anything visible. She would always inquire what was going on. I would always say something like oh my husband just likes to stay busy and he’s just puttsing around. She would then go to my husband and ask him. I would tell him not to say too much to her because I had a bad feeling about her. But I guess his forty year old dumb ass just loved the attention she gave him. Soon after he would tell her what his plan was for our house, we would get letters from our assoctiation, town hall, and later the police.

She was psycho. But he didnt believe me. He told me I was jealous of her and that she likes him and not me.

Well as time went on it all escalated this is what she did to us:

She poisoned our vegetable garden every year (until she moved)
Screamed at my then 3 year old –It gave him nighmares for years to follow.
Repeatedly called and made false police reports against me.
Her and her friends made jokes about me being fat and old in front of my daughter.(She actually thought I was in my 30’s and I’m only about 20 lbs overweight,she copied my hair, clothes,car.)
She would complain to my husband about how horrible I was when he was at work he just listened, never defended me -I overheard it happening once.
She would call town hall, the association for countless issues, and the police just to screw with us.
Throw dog and cat crap in my yard.
Put nails in our driveway (her husband was a carpenter.)
Got other neighbors that were even worse than her to screw with us while she lived there and after she moved away.

Well one day, when I was collecting baby stuff to donate. I was checking a baby monitor to see if it still was good.–Guess who’s house had one?The B—-dog’s, (that is my pet name for her). Wow a gift from God. I soon found out what true evil was. Yes –I did listen. She was obsessed with us. I heard her planning to poison our garden (I taped it), heard her calling police, town and association on us; Telling everyone how much she hated me and that I am making her life miserable.

I never did anything to her. But when I heard her plans she was making to mess with us with her other evil friend and neighbor, I was able to counter them each and every time. It was sooo bad. I just hated the bad feeling of listening but I did protect my family and property. And I felt it was just such a time waster too, listening to her. I heard her beating up her husband, kids and just being very viscious and nasty to service workers, customer service people. B-dog feels she is entitled to everything.

My big opener was when she was bragging to her friend on how she is going to sue me for harrassment and sue my husband for messing up her yard from his landscaping work. She said she was building a case against us. About the landscaping, she tried so hard to get her husband to copy everything we did–I first though of it as “keeping up with the Jones” –but her husband messed up everything on his own under her direction.

That is when we got security cameras and put them on our garden and yard area. We prevented alot of damage to our property. We almost got her on camera poisoning our garden -But her friend noticed the cameras the day of the poisoning and she called the pd and tried to make us remove them. I told the pd the story they did nothing and I also mentioned the audio, the cop said he did not want to hear about it.

Well after a while the Bdog moved and her scumbag friends that live behind us picked where she left off and well it only got worse. But that is another story in itself.

Well a couple of weeks ago, my other next door neighbor had a party for his daughter. Guess who was there?The B-dog. The neighbor is about 44yrs old, newly divorced, he has a good job, 18 yr daughter, 24 yrs old- drug/addict/on parole son, beautiful house and plenty of cash.She is his new Girlfriend. OMG. She is on the other side of me now. He was my best neighbor.He knew that she was awful to us and wost of all she is married with two sons about 3 and 5ish.

Well, when I first saw her my chest got tight and I was surprised, but I remained cool and just kept laughing. I did not interupt the party But we did leave early.

My husband wants to “bust” her and tell her husband what a slut she is and provide him with pictures that he has taken. I would like to do the same but… I have second thoughts. I think the husband would just tell her the info and she would retaliate My nieghbor guy would hate us. She might get kicked out and move in with him sooner that planned. I think she is screwing this guy for extra money and nice things. I also believe that her husband is not cutting it and not working enough to pay bills and mortgage. I think she is looking to upgrade husbands so she can maintain her status.

My question is should we get our revenge on her as mentioned? Or should we just sit back and watch her move in next door. We cannot afford to sell our house to move at this time due to the economy and my husband just got back to work two months ago.

Or if you have any other suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I just want the b-dog and the anxiety to go away. I hate the feeling of her threatening my kids and me. I do not want to be her victim. But everytime I was passive with her, She always always turned it up a notch. I am 47 yrs old and I’m afraid she will get physical with me .-I have seen her wrestle other women before. Like her girlfriend that lives behind, us they always wrestle and makeout.I guess thats what they do nowadays.

Thank You for your time.
The BlondeMom

If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang.

~Charley Reese

Dearest BlondeMom,

Wow, you’ve got your hands full. What a stinkin’ wanna be Bitch, huh? I really really can’t stand a no count girl like that. She’s not a woman so I don’t even give her that. One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?

It’s obvious that the police don’t seem to want to be bothered with what they might term as “Domestic Squabbling.” Or Or Or she’s blowing the Force and feeding them creme filled donuts made personally by hers truly. {Note to self; Be nice}

Well BlondeMom, I’m old school. I’m Fighting Irish and have been fighting the good fight all my life…well short of those bad girl years I had(but we won’t dwell on that, eh?). Suffice it to say, she’s a bully, loud and clear. And the thing they’ve proven about bullies is that they almost always have self-esteem issues thus they use fear to garner respect.

Fighting Fire with Fire

Sometimes ya just gotta get Medieval on their asses and show them how to play the game. Now, Buck the F**k up. This ain’t no Pep Talk but simply how you need to begin to see things. Hopefully, your eyes will become wide open. Yes, I want you to begin to see her for what she really is;

“A No Count Piece of Shit Wanna Be Woman”
(But she’s really just a lil’ girl in big clothes)

Sure she’s a tough one but DO NOT be afraid of her in any way, shape or form. This is what she wants and…she can smell the fear. Let me repeat myself and I quote,

“One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?”

I say this with all the certainty in my being. She wants what you have and knows she’ll never have it. So, she plays her dirty little games doing her damnedest to best you. You’ll have to have a strategy to show her really how the game is played. It does not entail being vindictive or getting even. Nope, it’s called;
“Being & Becoming a Righteous Woman,” which by the way, she’ll never be and can not copy.

You will rise above this, all of it. You will no longer be a victim nor will you be passive. You should take comfort and gain strength just knowing that you have what she wishes she could. But we need not concentrate on this. What you need to do is begin to play the Game…

I would start by spinning a web, spreading a little gossip to someone you know it’ll find it’s way back to her. I’m quite sure she has a double agent, you know someone who pretends to be your friend yet goes back and tells her everything.

Spin: I would tell this person that you have a friend of the family, a not so nice guy that has seen all the evidence and is working on this. Now, make sure you ask this person not to tell anybody. (Of course, they’ll run right back and spill their guts, hopefully).

Spin: You tell them that this not so nice friend of the family is a Private Detective and he’s working on the case. You say he’s compiling pictures, etc. to use against her. You make sure you mention that he has friends in “High Places” and he plays on both sides of the Law. You give them a few tidbits, morsels to mull over, i.e., that this guy once planted drugs on a guy that had caused a bunch of trouble.

Spin: Then tell them that the guy and his wife went to jail for it. Giggle and say that the Private Dicks client was more than pleased as the pair went away for a few years.

Spin: Then you mention on the D.L. (down low, just in case, lol)that this P.I. is cooking up something real good to handle this all and won’t even tell you what it is that way you are not nor will you ever be implicated.

This may make her a bit paranoid enough to leave you alone and to mind her own P’s & Q’s…

Now, in the event that all this is not possible (I believe it’ll work if you set it into action and think about it carefully) I want you to begin a program of assertive posturing. I no longer want you to be a victim in this. I no longer want you to be passive either. You’ll put on your “Bitch Belt™” and rise above.

See, I’m a firm believer in a few things, namely body language, innuendo and how one carries themselves. Now, I’m not talking about acting superior or egotistical but you are so far above her it is almost debilitating to her. This is why she targets you. It’s actually become an obsession for her.

From this point on, I’d like you to be aware of your posture. If you happen to see her, do not look into the face of fear but put that fear in it’s place. I mean, for real, she has no power over you unless you let her. Take it back!!!

No, you’ll face this fear, if you happen to run across her and you’ll not look away. In fact, you’ll look her straight in the face, with a twinkle in your eye as if you have some dirty little secret and you are holding in the laughter. It’s excruciatingly funny and it’s all you can do to contain it.

She’s nothing but a redneck bully, a covetous whore. See her for what she really is and no longer allow her to intimidate you in any way.

My Advice would be to first pray for wisdom, strength and guidance. This should always be your first and foremost direction. And if the afore mentioned SPIN does not work, write me again and I’ll tell you all about our Plan B…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

P.S. May my good friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ be with you!!

“When you’re a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you. Jealousy is the result of one’s lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance. The Lesson: If you can’t accept yourself, then certainly no one else will.”

Sasha Azevedo quotes (American Actress, Athlete and Model)

Romans 12:19
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!