Lipstick Notch

Dear Aunt B,

hi my name is Ashley. i have been with my husband for nine years. lately he has shown a great interest in pornography featuring black girls with big butts. he also dated women fitting that description while we were separated. i am the complete opposite of that. i am a white petite female. our sex life has diminished. he isnt showing much interest in me. i don’t know what to do or what to think. most guys go gaga over me i don’t understand why my husband does not anymore.

Dear Ashley,

Unfortunately, this is happening all across America. Due to the prevalence and easier access to Porn via the Internet, I personally believe that our men may be falling into the trap of “Desensitization.”

I really feel for you and realize just how important it is for us to be the object of our mans desires. It hurts deeply when we find out that we may not be all that in his eyes. But if every woman in America, especially the wives could actually read our husbands minds, well suffice it to say, we’d be scarred for life, appalled as well as grief stricken.

Men are hard wired differently than we are and are actually in a constant state of warfare as to putting off their desires, not acting upon them and keeping themselves in check. Even the greatest of men have fallen especially when they have some little floozy throwing her junk in his face on the daily. It happens at work, it happens at the bars, it happens when we, as well as they, least expect it.

There’s nothing funny about it but it’s hard not to laugh when you realize that if you ask the average man about his will to sustain, you know to not fool around on his wife or girlfriend, he’ll often feel that he deserves Kudos for his good behavior. I mean after all, he fights it off every day and in a funny sort of way, he does deserve a cookie.

Yes, these days our morals are going to hell in a hand basket and there are girls, not women out there that’d just love to bed Your man down. They see the wedding ring and observe it as a challenge. Just for shits-n-giggles they’ll want your husband as another Lipstick Notch on their bed post.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, for starters you must be aware of his needs, not in a subservient way but in an understanding of how he’s wired with a mutual willingness to please. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts you want to keep his attention as well as keep him shopping at “your store.”

You’ll want to jazz it up, for one thing. It’s like this; Marriage and when I speak of marriage I do firmly believe that if you are living together as well as sleeping together in the “Marriage Bed” you are simply lacking a piece of paper that validates it in the eyes of the Law. That simplified, the marriage bed is a partnership, a two to Tango situation and a thing to be cherished and more importantly worked at. It must be cultivated and nurtured if we want it to grow. It must be seen in all seriousness and never taken for granted, our first and foremost downfall.

Flip The Script

My suggestion to you is one where you need to step up to the plate and bat. You need to take charge and begin to fight for your man. This is not “I am woman hear me Roar” speech but I do want you to begin to be less a victim. Begin with a more blitzkrieg approach;

You must state your needs, asserting your likes and dislikes, what you will as well as will not stand for. For starters, you’ll have to put the shoe on the other foot…

He will look funny in your high heels, hahaha, but you’ll have to put things in terms he’ll understand. For one thing, you should ask him if he would be bothered if you were watching other men, porn to be exact? Give him the scenario that how would he feel if he came home, looked at the History on your computer and saw that you were watching men with huge cocks? Yea, I said it! Many men, even if they are well endowed are intimidated by other men and their package if it’s bigger than theirs. Ask him how he would feel if he saw that every few days you were watching this sort of thing and not just for a few minutes but for long periods of time. Would it not bother him? Would it not make him feel inadequate? Would he possibly wonder that there’s a chance that you were not satisfied with his manhood?

If he says that all that does not bother him, I’ll call him a damn liar!!! The point is that that exact scenario is how you feel when he looks at the sort of things he’s been looking at. You are not black nor do you have a big booty so how could you ever measure up to his specifications?

All this Porn watching does not mean that he does not love you. What it does mean though, carries the implication that he does, possibly take you for granted and is not doing his part in the cultivation of your marriage? At the same time as I stated before, you’ve got to work at tripping his trigger. This may be a stinging indictment for both of you?

My Advice would be to sit down and get it all out lest you explode with resentment. Furthermore, I also suggest that you engage him in the understanding, a meeting of the minds that his behavior is hurtful and makes you feel like shit, less than and not capable to measure up.

The Solution

It would be rather kind of him to agree to limit his “Porn Time” just for starters. You’ll never get anywhere if you demand it and he’ll just begin to get sneaky about it. Putting that shoe on his foot, as I stated may make him understand that it is extremely hurtful to you as well as desensitizing to him. He may not realize it but men who watch really XXX porn, you know the down and dirty stuff have a harder time getting aroused unless they are, themselves engaged in dirty dirty stuff.

So, he’d be doing himself and of course you a favor if he saved himself for you, watched less porn and masturbated less. Yes, normally the two go hand in hand, no pun intended!

Working on your marriage bed action has got to be Priority One. I also suggest that you invest in a vibrator and use it with him in your foreplay. If you need to know why I suggest this, I welcome you or anyone else to write me and I’ll be more than happy to communicate why I feel this is important.

Don’t be shy!!!You’d be surprised!!!

Email Babz

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Suggested Reading;

Sexual Healing

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

No One Is Better

Dear Aunt B,

So theres this girl in my grade, amanda, and she literaly gets all the guys. Shes not ugly, but shes not drop dead gorgeous, if you know what i mean. She has a few extra pounds. Shes always saying how shes so self concious, but she still gets all the guys. She is 14 and has had atleast 15 boyfriends in about 3 or 4 years. I know some of them dont really count, because it was in about 5th grade but still! I can’t stand her. There is this new guy in my grade who i think is wicked hot. And she is all over him. I’m so sick of it. It’s so old. And he like loves her! She has alot of classes with him and i dont have any. She talks to him on myspace all the time too. What can i do to get him to talk to me? And why are all the guys in my grade obsessed with amanda? -Sick of it

Hey Sick of It,

Well, you said that she’s had around 15 boyfriends in the past few years. And now you say that there’s a guy that you think is really hot, and he likes her. If history repeats itself, they probably won’t be together for too long. I can definitely see where you’d be sick of her always getting all the boys though. And I can definitely see where it’s frustrating that she has a lot of classes with him, and you don’t have any, but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about that.

To answer your questions, the first one, how can you get him to talk to you? Just talk to him. You don’t need to wait for him to come talk to you, or do something that will make him talk to you. You can go talk to him, see what he’s about. You can also go on MySpace or Facebook and talk to him. And if you don’t have either of those, talk to him on the phone, or email. As for your second question, they’re obsessed with her, well that’s guys. See a beautiful girl and talk to her. And you said she’s not drop dead gorgeous, but everybody has their own tastes. And maybe they all talk to her because she has a great personality. I understand where you might not see it, because all the guys are gaga over her, but to the guys, she could very well be fun to talk to and hang around.

Well, I hope I was able to answer you a little, give you a little advice, and really, all you have to do is talk to him. That’s the best I can tell you, get to know him between classes. I hope it works out for you!

Peace,

mb3

Dear Sick of It,

It all comes down to how you think and act, how you carry yourself. If you feel like crap and act like you feel like crap about yourself, crap you shall be. But if you look in the mirror, adjust how you feel and realize that no one and I mean no one is better than you, you’ll walk away a different person. You must always be real with yourself, improve what you can, work with what God gave you and treat others as you want them to treat you.

See, Amanda lives her life in an assertive manner. Assertive chicks get what they want. You must also become assertive. How bad do ya want it?

I would say that life and our perception of it is probably 90% fiction and 10% fact. It’s all in how we perceive other people and as well as, how they perceive us. If you carry yourself with confidence, a confident young woman you shall be. You must begin to empower yourself, your reality with an understanding that, as I stated before, no one is better than you. You must begin to exude this confidence, the kind of confidence that when you walk in the room, people notice. This comes from believing in yourself. So Aunt B, how do I “empower myself?”

You’ve lived this long, being you and who knows you better than you? So, only you can make these life changes and only you have the power to make it happen. It’s all a matter of how strongly you want it? You will not suffer for doing your homework and reading as many tags (keywords on my sidebar) concerning empowerment. I have 21 posts with the label “Empowerment,” 8 on empowerment advice and 19 on empowerment practices. Please read some of these and begin to redefine yourself.

I believe every word of what I write. As well, I once was a young woman with an awful sense of self-esteem. It took me years to figure out that no one was better than me. It took me years to understand that I am three people;

I am who you think I am,
I am who I think I am,
I am who I really am.

You may be whomever you choose to be. This is true even if you really felt ugly, not so bright, not the funniest person or whatever. It all depends on how you choose to carry yourself. You see that Amanda is not the prettiest thing to walk down the pike yet she’s able to get the guy. Why is that? It is because she believes in herself.

The secret is; Once you begin to see what it is that I’m talking about, once you begin to believe in it and are willing to set goals for your own self-esteem, well, G-Friend, you are gonna RULE!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!