Fighting Fire with Fire; SPIN

You may just call me crazy by the end of this post…

Dear Aunt Babs,

I have lived in a new subdivision for about 6 years with my husband and three young children. After the first year a 20’s something women moved in next door with her husband and child. On our first introduction she wanted to know every detail of my home (example: square footage of rooms, window count, blah, blah). She made me feel very uneasy so I kept my distance from her, but I would still stay polite and engage in greetings and very small talk.

As we would make improvements to our home like landscaping, painting or basically anything visible. She would always inquire what was going on. I would always say something like oh my husband just likes to stay busy and he’s just puttsing around. She would then go to my husband and ask him. I would tell him not to say too much to her because I had a bad feeling about her. But I guess his forty year old dumb ass just loved the attention she gave him. Soon after he would tell her what his plan was for our house, we would get letters from our assoctiation, town hall, and later the police.

She was psycho. But he didnt believe me. He told me I was jealous of her and that she likes him and not me.

Well as time went on it all escalated this is what she did to us:

She poisoned our vegetable garden every year (until she moved)
Screamed at my then 3 year old –It gave him nighmares for years to follow.
Repeatedly called and made false police reports against me.
Her and her friends made jokes about me being fat and old in front of my daughter.(She actually thought I was in my 30’s and I’m only about 20 lbs overweight,she copied my hair, clothes,car.)
She would complain to my husband about how horrible I was when he was at work he just listened, never defended me -I overheard it happening once.
She would call town hall, the association for countless issues, and the police just to screw with us.
Throw dog and cat crap in my yard.
Put nails in our driveway (her husband was a carpenter.)
Got other neighbors that were even worse than her to screw with us while she lived there and after she moved away.

Well one day, when I was collecting baby stuff to donate. I was checking a baby monitor to see if it still was good.–Guess who’s house had one?The B—-dog’s, (that is my pet name for her). Wow a gift from God. I soon found out what true evil was. Yes –I did listen. She was obsessed with us. I heard her planning to poison our garden (I taped it), heard her calling police, town and association on us; Telling everyone how much she hated me and that I am making her life miserable.

I never did anything to her. But when I heard her plans she was making to mess with us with her other evil friend and neighbor, I was able to counter them each and every time. It was sooo bad. I just hated the bad feeling of listening but I did protect my family and property. And I felt it was just such a time waster too, listening to her. I heard her beating up her husband, kids and just being very viscious and nasty to service workers, customer service people. B-dog feels she is entitled to everything.

My big opener was when she was bragging to her friend on how she is going to sue me for harrassment and sue my husband for messing up her yard from his landscaping work. She said she was building a case against us. About the landscaping, she tried so hard to get her husband to copy everything we did–I first though of it as “keeping up with the Jones” –but her husband messed up everything on his own under her direction.

That is when we got security cameras and put them on our garden and yard area. We prevented alot of damage to our property. We almost got her on camera poisoning our garden -But her friend noticed the cameras the day of the poisoning and she called the pd and tried to make us remove them. I told the pd the story they did nothing and I also mentioned the audio, the cop said he did not want to hear about it.

Well after a while the Bdog moved and her scumbag friends that live behind us picked where she left off and well it only got worse. But that is another story in itself.

Well a couple of weeks ago, my other next door neighbor had a party for his daughter. Guess who was there?The B-dog. The neighbor is about 44yrs old, newly divorced, he has a good job, 18 yr daughter, 24 yrs old- drug/addict/on parole son, beautiful house and plenty of cash.She is his new Girlfriend. OMG. She is on the other side of me now. He was my best neighbor.He knew that she was awful to us and wost of all she is married with two sons about 3 and 5ish.

Well, when I first saw her my chest got tight and I was surprised, but I remained cool and just kept laughing. I did not interupt the party But we did leave early.

My husband wants to “bust” her and tell her husband what a slut she is and provide him with pictures that he has taken. I would like to do the same but… I have second thoughts. I think the husband would just tell her the info and she would retaliate My nieghbor guy would hate us. She might get kicked out and move in with him sooner that planned. I think she is screwing this guy for extra money and nice things. I also believe that her husband is not cutting it and not working enough to pay bills and mortgage. I think she is looking to upgrade husbands so she can maintain her status.

My question is should we get our revenge on her as mentioned? Or should we just sit back and watch her move in next door. We cannot afford to sell our house to move at this time due to the economy and my husband just got back to work two months ago.

Or if you have any other suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I just want the b-dog and the anxiety to go away. I hate the feeling of her threatening my kids and me. I do not want to be her victim. But everytime I was passive with her, She always always turned it up a notch. I am 47 yrs old and I’m afraid she will get physical with me .-I have seen her wrestle other women before. Like her girlfriend that lives behind, us they always wrestle and makeout.I guess thats what they do nowadays.

Thank You for your time.
The BlondeMom

If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang.

~Charley Reese

Dearest BlondeMom,

Wow, you’ve got your hands full. What a stinkin’ wanna be Bitch, huh? I really really can’t stand a no count girl like that. She’s not a woman so I don’t even give her that. One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?

It’s obvious that the police don’t seem to want to be bothered with what they might term as “Domestic Squabbling.” Or Or Or she’s blowing the Force and feeding them creme filled donuts made personally by hers truly. {Note to self; Be nice}

Well BlondeMom, I’m old school. I’m Fighting Irish and have been fighting the good fight all my life…well short of those bad girl years I had(but we won’t dwell on that, eh?). Suffice it to say, she’s a bully, loud and clear. And the thing they’ve proven about bullies is that they almost always have self-esteem issues thus they use fear to garner respect.

Fighting Fire with Fire

Sometimes ya just gotta get Medieval on their asses and show them how to play the game. Now, Buck the F**k up. This ain’t no Pep Talk but simply how you need to begin to see things. Hopefully, your eyes will become wide open. Yes, I want you to begin to see her for what she really is;

“A No Count Piece of Shit Wanna Be Woman”
(But she’s really just a lil’ girl in big clothes)

Sure she’s a tough one but DO NOT be afraid of her in any way, shape or form. This is what she wants and…she can smell the fear. Let me repeat myself and I quote,

“One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?”

I say this with all the certainty in my being. She wants what you have and knows she’ll never have it. So, she plays her dirty little games doing her damnedest to best you. You’ll have to have a strategy to show her really how the game is played. It does not entail being vindictive or getting even. Nope, it’s called;
“Being & Becoming a Righteous Woman,” which by the way, she’ll never be and can not copy.

You will rise above this, all of it. You will no longer be a victim nor will you be passive. You should take comfort and gain strength just knowing that you have what she wishes she could. But we need not concentrate on this. What you need to do is begin to play the Game…

I would start by spinning a web, spreading a little gossip to someone you know it’ll find it’s way back to her. I’m quite sure she has a double agent, you know someone who pretends to be your friend yet goes back and tells her everything.

Spin: I would tell this person that you have a friend of the family, a not so nice guy that has seen all the evidence and is working on this. Now, make sure you ask this person not to tell anybody. (Of course, they’ll run right back and spill their guts, hopefully).

Spin: You tell them that this not so nice friend of the family is a Private Detective and he’s working on the case. You say he’s compiling pictures, etc. to use against her. You make sure you mention that he has friends in “High Places” and he plays on both sides of the Law. You give them a few tidbits, morsels to mull over, i.e., that this guy once planted drugs on a guy that had caused a bunch of trouble.

Spin: Then tell them that the guy and his wife went to jail for it. Giggle and say that the Private Dicks client was more than pleased as the pair went away for a few years.

Spin: Then you mention on the D.L. (down low, just in case, lol)that this P.I. is cooking up something real good to handle this all and won’t even tell you what it is that way you are not nor will you ever be implicated.

This may make her a bit paranoid enough to leave you alone and to mind her own P’s & Q’s…

Now, in the event that all this is not possible (I believe it’ll work if you set it into action and think about it carefully) I want you to begin a program of assertive posturing. I no longer want you to be a victim in this. I no longer want you to be passive either. You’ll put on your “Bitch Belt™” and rise above.

See, I’m a firm believer in a few things, namely body language, innuendo and how one carries themselves. Now, I’m not talking about acting superior or egotistical but you are so far above her it is almost debilitating to her. This is why she targets you. It’s actually become an obsession for her.

From this point on, I’d like you to be aware of your posture. If you happen to see her, do not look into the face of fear but put that fear in it’s place. I mean, for real, she has no power over you unless you let her. Take it back!!!

No, you’ll face this fear, if you happen to run across her and you’ll not look away. In fact, you’ll look her straight in the face, with a twinkle in your eye as if you have some dirty little secret and you are holding in the laughter. It’s excruciatingly funny and it’s all you can do to contain it.

She’s nothing but a redneck bully, a covetous whore. See her for what she really is and no longer allow her to intimidate you in any way.

My Advice would be to first pray for wisdom, strength and guidance. This should always be your first and foremost direction. And if the afore mentioned SPIN does not work, write me again and I’ll tell you all about our Plan B…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

P.S. May my good friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ be with you!!

“When you’re a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you. Jealousy is the result of one’s lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance. The Lesson: If you can’t accept yourself, then certainly no one else will.”

Sasha Azevedo quotes (American Actress, Athlete and Model)

Romans 12:19
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Good Samaritan

Hi Aunt B–

I don’t know if I’m making a big issue out of something that isn’t so big, but I’m pretty sure I’ve created a situation at work that is causing some discomfort for someone else, and I know it’s causing some for me, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

You see, I found myself growing attracted–really attracted–to someone at work. I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, and anyway, although I’m really attracted to him, I had a very hard time believing we were a good fit, so I tried very hard not to let my feelings show. But I slipped up, and he figured it out. He was very kind about it, letting me know in a subtle way that he was married, and talking with me in a way that really kept me from being embarrassed. And I’m not embarrassed, I haven’t been, and I’ve gone about my business as usual since then. But twice now, when he and I have been in the same room together, but without really saying anything to each other, I’ve wondered if he’s feeling uncomfortable.

I’m not sure, but I think he may have gone out of his way to avoid me once. So my question is; should I try to avoid being around him for awhile? It really wouldn’t be that difficult. I’ll admit it would hurt my pride a little to do that–it would be like saying that I was just being nice to him before because I thought he was available, which would not be true. But if it would make him feel more comfortable, at least for awhile, I could do it. On the other hand, while it wouldn’t be difficult for me to avoid him, it would be terribly obvious, to him as well as some other people, and maybe that would make him more uncomfortable.

Also, I admit that it hurts me to think he would avoid me–it’s not like I was throwing myself at him, but that’s how it makes me feel now. I don’t know what to do, or even how to act toward him anymore. I was hoping to just go on as usual, and maybe it could go back to the way it was before, but now I don’t know if that’s possible. At least not right now. I would really appreciate any advice you could give me about how to act so I can make it better. If I can. You’re the only one that I’ve been able to find who seemed to me to be able to answer a question like this. Thanks for your help. Lisa Dear Lisa,

Thanks for the kind words. We don’t often get much feedback, believe it or not so I do rather enjoy hearing any encouraging words.

I would imagine that you cringe inside every time you see him now, if nothing else in or with a bit of regret, right? I think I might feel the exact same way, if that’s any comfort? You can’t turn back time, you can’t take back what was said or make the exchange between you non existent.

You seem the type of woman, firmly planted in reality and I can just feel that you are in the category of the few, the proud, the Bitch Belt wearing breed of woman. If you’ve not read about it, please take the time to read the link provided.

Anyway, point is; You say you’re not embarrassed and quite frankly I don’t think you should be either. So, you grab the bull by the horns and ride. You hold your head up high, walk in there, any room, any given situation with the thought process that the guy that you encountered should feel damn lucky and quite flattered that you’d find him interesting and datable.

Flip the script. Think about it. Most men, especially married men love validation. They love to know they are still desirable, I mean that’s just human nature, is it not? We all want acceptance in some form or another and you probably made his day with your approach.

It will only be uncomfortable if you allow it to be. People can feel the vibes, they feel and see from body language. Yes, it speaks volumes and if you feel uncomfortable because you think he might be uncomfortable, he’ll sense it. That’s what’s happening.

So, next time you see him, you’ve moved on, in your mind and it’s as if it never happened. But if you do happen upon it in your mind, make sure you hold your head up, you smile with the knowledge that you did a good deed; you made someone feel good about themselves. Yes, it was the act of a Good Samaritan!

One of my fav sayings is, “Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit.”

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

You Deserve Better

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…
Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 30, and have had a series of severe, long lasting crushes on men who have not reciprocated. Apart from that, I had a 3 month long relationship which ended in tears (we are still friends though), and a few flings that left me feeling worthless and dirty.

The last crush I had lasted 3 years, and after months of finding lots of ways to be near him, I told him my feelings via SMS. He politely said he was not interested in a relationship, he was only after physical affairs, that he was selfish in relationships, that he waited for women to “fall into his lap” and then he decided what to do with them.

Since then I have tried to be cool and adult about it, but I have ended up feeling worse. Although he is always polite (yet distant), I feel that I am so ugly and fat, he couldn’t even f*** me with a paper bag over my head. He’s said many times, he’s popular with the women, one even bought him a new car recently, that he’s got several on the go right now, and has had many girlfriends in his life. And I don’t even rate as a one nighter. Not even as a friend.

Recently I SMSed him saying I won’t speak to or see him for a while, maybe a few years, because I haven’t got over him yet. He eventually replied that was ok, we’ll talk later. I am still upset over this.

I’ve been reading books on how to get a partner, the strategy seems to be, be young, beautiful and thin, look like you’re having fun, NEVER approach a man, and let him make all the moves. But I’m not good at playing this game, and am despairing that I’ll never find a man, until I have lost 50lbs.

What to do?

Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

First and foremost, I think you’ve been way too hard on yourself. In addition, I have to question your values and belief systems.

You must do what you can to make yourself feel better, as far as your appearance but it is shallow on anybody’s part to think they are not desirable because of their weight, the level of attractiveness and so on. Now, I am more than aware that this world revolves around good looks and more often than not, we have a messed up standard concerning how women should be; a rail like waif. I do not believe this is a good perception and if I had my way, women around the world would say, “Enoughs enough,” concerning this merit less perception.

Do what you can, to make a reasonable attempt, concerning your weight but the fact that you may be over weight, should never stand in the way of you, as a person. No, you must look in the mirror and see yourself, your soul, as who you really are. If you feel the need to lose weight, then you work on it, you try to limit your eating, maybe get out and walk, only to make yourself feel better. But it must be so you will feel better, not to please anyone else.

This is an extremely touchy subject for me. I feel too much emphasis is placed on appearances and an unrealistic hardship, placed on women to appear a certain way. We ruin our feet, to look a certain way, in high heels and it can be freezing cold and icy out and what are we wearing? A short skirt, high heels and so on. It’s ridiculous and we need to stop it.

I do feel if you begin a reasonable weight lose program, you may feel better, in the aspect of your health but I will say it again; anybody that judges you on your weight is shallow. They are not anyone you need to be with in the first place.

I’m sorry but this guy, you’ve mentioned sounds like one of those shallow people, I just mentioned and for the love of me, I don’t know why you’d want to torture yourself for his unrequited love? You deserve so much better. Say it with me, “You Deserve Better.”

They have a saying, it’s kinda Redneck and I hope you don’t take it wrong but they say, “There’s a dog for every dog.” Meaning there’s someone out there, that will love even a dog, every dog, any dog. What it means is that even if you were a dog, which you are not, there’s someone out there that will love you for you. Real people don’t see fat or a handicap or unattractiveness. True love is blind, deaf, dumb, crippled and crazy. Do you understand? I am not calling you a dog, I am simply pointing out, that the popular, beautiful people are a minority and if they weren’t, everybody’d be considered beautiful, right? I mean there’d be no line drawn, we’d all be considered beautiful and then there’d be no definition or exception for who’s beautiful, who’d not and every level in between. So, the odds are that there’s more real people and your mate is out there.

How you carry yourself, is how you are perceived. How and what, you feel about yourself, just like body language, can be read and is more self-evident that you may realize. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly. If you are realistic and see yourself, as you really are and look at your best qualities and allow them to shine, then that is exactly what people will see.

I have said this, more often than not, but you must use, at your disposal, every tool possible, to begin to empower yourself. It is an exercise in reality, to look in the mirror and assess yourself. One should do this daily. But in all due reality, you must also realize that people, all people have flaws. You have flaws, I have flaws, even the most beautiful people, have flaws. Because of their persona, we choose, for the most part, not to see them. I think the tabloids make such good money because we want to humanize those beautiful people. We choose to look at their flaws because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It is a contradiction, at best. We emulate and want to be just like them, yet we point the finger and say, “Ah ha, look at you Miss Wanna Be Perfect, you’re not so perfect after all.”

Now, you can choose to look at your own flaws and pick at them, or you can choose to see that person, who you truly are, who you truly can be. I can feel that you are actually, a powerful women trapped in a body, you don’t care for. Improve on what you can, begin to hold your head up and carry yourself, as that powerful woman. Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, begin to know that you are the few, the proud, the “Real Women.” Once you do this, you will begin to see the difference.

I have about 30 posts(on my sidebar) on Empowerment and Empowerment exercises. I’d love to see you read, even a few and garner some strength, take what applies and run with it.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Be That Woman

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

I feel like I’m sexually trapped with this guy. i love him and all, but he’s
not my boyfriend yet i still have sex with him and it alwayz hurtz me cuz i
recently lost my virginity to him and after him i haven’t been wit anybody
for 4 monthz and when we met up again, we did it and it hurt worse then da
first time. i really dont wanna have sex wit him cuz i alwayz feel awkward
after but i feel so weak. i dont know wat to do. any advice? i feel so
trapped. i neva had deez problems wen i was 16. im 18 now and feel like one
of those naive 16 yr olds that lyfe jennings be singin about in dat S.E.X
song. plz hellp me wit some kinda wordz of encouragement or wisdom. i keep
praying but i still dont see no way out.

Dear G-Friend,
Well, my dear, you are plotting out a life of undo able harm to yourself, if you continue down this path.You are allowing this guy to train you, as concubine. Now, that may sound harsh but do not think I speak about anything I have not experienced my self. I had sex with guys simply because I was afraid to say no. They might not like me then or maybe, they would be mean. Often times, I really wanted nothing to do with them but they would come on to me and I had such a hard time saying no.
You must begin to value yourself and your virtue. It is not to be handed to any one, whenever they want it. That cheapens you and you are the one that is hurt by it. You must learn that, your body is yours and giving this to someone you don’t even really care about, well they have a saying, “Why buy the cow, when you get the milk free.” That means, why should he court you, show you any kind of respect or even caring conversation, if you’ll give him what he wants, free of charge, no strings attached.

Most guys would just love to find somebody, they will call, “Easy,” behind your back. You are not easy, you are just misguided.

Is it possible, that you are lonely and you seek the attention of anyone, just love me please? I did. They didn’t love me, they simply used me. Not all of course but more than I care to admit. I thought if I gave in to their sexual needs, they would like me. many, too many girls think this. Quite often, they cry and are in pain, once they realize or hear how the guy talked about what a sleeze they were, what a joke and what a bimbo.

Don’t be their Bimbo. I guarantee, you will not die alone. You will find the right guy, one who appreciates you, when and if, you guard your virtue. See, most guys do not respect an easy chick. They get what they want and move on to the next. They don’t take you seriously and do not consider you girlfriend material. You have done this to yourself and you’re not even aware of it.

Now, look carefully at this next word;

NO
NO
NO

Now, practice saying it over and over. Envision saying it and walking away from this guy that is actually taking advantage of a good thing. Put on your Bitch Belt and walk away. You will see the power in the word, once you say it. You must not fold. You’ll find another guy. Don’t be desperate and your desperate look will disappear. I guarantee, if you stand up to this guy and say no, the worst thing to happen is he calls you a sleeze or whatever. Now, if that were to happen, you claim it and say, “You bet your ass, I am.” Never let them make you cringe.Guys do not pray on an assertive woman. Be that woman.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Guilt Trip 101; Revisited

I invite you to read this post. It is the beginning of this quest, to work out family issues. This was some life long issues, that had gone on unchecked, unbridled and unresolved. When family love is truly right, it is unconditional and it sure doesn’t play mind games. But we get mixed up in the world and we forget what’s important; Family.

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Babs,

After i had written the letter, my sister took 2 days to respond because she had just returned from a cruise and was catching up on her paperwork…i don’t think it was hesitancy on her part.

Her response was short but rather nice, she told me that and i quote: ” don’t think for a minute that i don’t love you” and also that she will be visiting here where i am in May. Her title of her reply to me was : (regarding your wonderful letter!)

That was so nice but short but it made me feel very happy at the time and relieved.

I was quite worried that she wouldn’t respond or that she would think i was whacky for writing that kind of letter to her lol.

I did finally speak to her on the phone for a short couple of minutes upon calling my mother to wish her happy birthday. She was there giving my mom gifts.

I asked my Mom to speak to my sister and she said hello just like she always did in a casual way. I said to her that i got your e-mail and she said why did you write that and that i must have been very bored that day. Well that kind of threw me and i didn’t know what to say to her saying that. I kind of laughed and said without knowing what to say that i was just writing something nice to you and then i changed the subject and started asking about her kids. Then she had to go and answer her cell because of her husband calling her. She wasn’t mean but i think maybe she thought i have lost my mind lol. Oh well, at least i got to finally say to her in the letter how sorry i was for all the name calling and how family shouldn’t call each other hurtful names and how it really is wrong and hurts our feelings. I think she must have wondered if i was writing a suicide letter lol.

She was all business like but not mean but the comment about me being bored that day really made me think that she was probably thinking i need a life or something lol. Like i don’t have enough on my plate in my own life for her to figure out i don’t have time to be bored with my husband and my disabled son and worrying about his future, health etc.

Sometimes, i think maybe she just forgot how to love and appreciate family…i wonder if she even feels anything for me and her letter was just a “just being nice” letter.

I am feeling good about what i wrote though Babs and i am still glad that i sent it to her and i am taking back my power and i understand how sometimes we give that away to some people without even realizing it. And i don’t intend to let her pay for my airline tickets anymore even if she offers which i doubt she will do. I understand what you mean about it making her feel superior especially since she employs a lot of people in her office and is used to bossing people around and having them under her power so to speak.

I have come to terms with how it doesn’t matter to me whether she pays for other family members and not me or my family and doesn’t really care too much about me. She does have her own life and i have mine and we live in two different countries even though she comes here often to visit my other sister. I don’t know what will happen when she comes to visit in May next month. I don’t know if she will call me and invite me to come on over etc. She has bought some property here and is furnishing the home in May.

This has been a growing up and maturing in many ways experience for me and i am so glad that you have shown me the way to get where i am right now…thank you Babs.

It is not a quick fix but is a healing process for me with the guilt about the name calling of her and also i hope it touches something in her heart.

God only knows.

I love her but she is very, very different from me and i don’t think she and i will ever really be as close as she is with my other sister. As you said to me earlier, this letter could just be a temporary fix and that is that.

I am reclaiming the power i gave to her Babs and i have you to thank for helping me do that!

Love,

Janet.

>>>>>Email #2

Dear Babs,

I just read another e-mail my sister sent to me.

This one was quite positive…she said she hopes that we can get

together when she visits in May…and wrote Love, and her name at the end.

If only i didn’t have to deal with her husband who is totally obnoxious and on any given moment spits out mean comments directed to me when he is in the mood.

How do you deal with people who only have bad things to say about you such as him?

Anyways, bye for now Babs.

love,

Janet.

My Dearest Janet,
This is truly a step in the right direction and I am pleased. This didn’t happen over night and it’ll probably take a bit of time to fix it. You planted seeds. You can bet your sister is thinking. You made her think and you may her look at this whole scenario. It will warm her heart. But your sister is not that woman from long ago, so anything you get is a gift. We must maintain that approach and carry that information in our pocket…anything is a gift!

I am so glad you wrote her and I know, without a doubt it was one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. The issue was really not what you’d done years ago but how she had treated you, basically less than. But if we went back and tried to find the root of that evil, we see some childhood hard feelings. We all have them and we can only rise above it, right? But life is way to short for the bullshit, isn’t it? I mean really, you could both die, never having said how you really feel, for what good reason; Pride? Stubbornness? Who’s right or wrong?

If we begin to live our lives, like we have no time left and say what needs to be said, a whole lot more would be done and it would be said. If we thought what it would be like, to be handed a death sentence, like I was back in 1998, we’d begin to view things and people, relationships and love in a whole different light.

Life runs by, so very quickly, doesn’t it? I mean it was just yesterday, you guys were Easter egg hunting together, you and your sisters or riding bikes, eating dinner together. Now look at you, all grown up and you forgot that sense of what family is really all about. You tippy toed around your sister, for whatever reason, because she built up walls and only let you in with a simple plane ticket, her control mechanism. She could show that she could still care but keep you at a distance and still keep the wall up. So, you’ve gone after that wall with The Letter.
That wall will begin to come down, little by little because you humbled yourself, figured out what was really important and sent that letter. I know you humbled yourself. For this, I applaud you and I wish their was a trophy that you could look at every day. See, my concern was for your growth in this. You’ve shown this and I knew it was all you could do to write that letter to that undeserving sister. But she is your sister and the secret to life is family, love and laughter. That’s it and that’s all. So, you have stepped up to bat, in that nasty game and you swung and you did your part for the team; Family. If you died tomorrow, you can say you tried, right? And that’s what it’s all about; letting those around us know how we feel and letting them know they are and were loved.

The Brother-in-Law

Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt! Put it on every single day, when you get up and dressed for the day and wear it proudly. This fellow and many like him, had to exude confidence. In his world, it is survival of the fittest, prey or be preyed upon. Seriously, you must exude confidence. He can feel, maybe even smell your lack of that confidence around him.Doctors are especially guilty of this. They are held in such high esteem that they forget they are not gods. Not all of them are like this but to get where they got, they sure had to show the fortitude to be confident. You can be handed a college education but you can not get a degree with just money, well, in 95% of those that must pass the tests and so on. I’m sure you get my point. So, here’s the lowly Janet, sitting in the same room as the Doctor/god. You walk in the room and there he is, smug and crass, just chomping at the bit to show you just how brilliant he is and how brilliant you are not. But you’ve got on your handy dandy Bitch Belt. It repels bugs and asshole’s alike.

There are two kinds of people in this
world;

1. Deep Feelers
2. Surface Living
   

Us Deep Feelers, have a harder time in life but we’re more aware. We seem to go through more, trials and tribulations while the surface people seem to skate through life, unscathed. They often fall into shit, come out smelling like roses and look good doing it.
Some of us have to evolve and reinvent ourselves. After you’ve had your face mashed in the mud, you learn to rise above it, learn from it’s grit and pain and move on. You had your face all muddy. You wiped it off, long enough to write a letter and that took guts.I’d rather be you, than your sister, any day. I know, without a doubt, that you are an extremely caring person, a deep feeler. I’m sorry to say it but your sister is a Surface person. You two are different and always will be. She may look like she’s living a charmed life but in reality, you are the one who’s really living, feeling, loving. Why do you think that God placed one of His most precious creations, a handicapped child, in your care? Because you are a deep feeler and He knew you’d both learn from it. It is a blessing, in disguise, believe it or not. Trust me.

“An undisciplined and untrained child, is an orphan.”

My own Mother spoke those words to me, after I cried out about all of my hardships. I could not understand why I had to go through so much. But God was teaching me and prepping me for the real things in life. I know this now but I sure did struggle and still do. But I wipe off the mud, pick myself up, put on my bitch belt and exude that confidence. It is a confidence, only afforded those of us who have truly lived, been rode hard, put away wet. But we’re the ones with the real brass ring; we learned the secret to life…love, laughter, family.

Here’s your brass ring Janet!!

**I just had to post this wonderful reply from the author of this letter to me;

Thank you very much Babs for your helpful and insightful advice.

You have truly been a lifesaver in healing my pain.

I really, really think you are the greatest and i mean that.

Exceptionally smart and like an angel.

God bless you.

love,

Janet.

**Thank you Janet. I think we’ve both been given a gift of perspective here!!

suicide

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Woman to Woman

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,
Hello, my name is Jessica and I am 22 years old. I really don’t know where to start… ok, back in 2004 I joined the US navy and that is where I met my current husband (he was stationed in Virginia and I was stationed in Florida). When we got married we really didn’t know a whole lot about each other, just that we were “in love”, we got married in July of 2005. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant….. come to find out when I was 8 months pregnant my husband came out and told me that he had cheated on me, he apologized, begged for forgiveness, said it would never happen again etc…. after having a serious conversation about our marriage I decided I would forgive him and try to move past the mistake he made. So far our whole marriage we have not lived together due to the military. December of 2006 I got out of the Navy and instead of moving to Virginia with my husband I moved back to my hometown due to our financial situation and moved in with my mother, I thought it would help us save money for awhile and it would be easier to pay off bills. (which we did) Currently I am still with my mother, but my husband and I are talking about moving me and the baby to Virginia this July after my sisters wedding. And this is a big problem for my mother, she tells me she believes that he is still cheating on me, and that he has never stopped, she is afraid that I am going to move there and find out for myself that he is cheating and then not have enough money to move back home, and that she can’t afford to move me back if I have to. Umm, this is really a big fight between my mother and I, a constant battle. To me it would only make sense, that if my husband did not want to be married to me that it would be 10 times easier for him to tell me over the phone that he wants a divorce then to tell me to my face… on the other hand my mother thinks that he is avoiding divorce because he doesn’t want to have to pay child support. All I hear from my mother is negative comments over and over and over…. and really its just driving me insane. My gut feeling tells me that he is not cheating on me and that I trust him. I’ll admit that every once and while I think about it… the “what if” questions tend to pop into my mind sometimes. But if he was with another woman and didn’t want to be with me, why would he want to plan to move me to Virginia?? That just wouldn’t make sense to me. So my question is, what do I do?!?!?! The only thing that would please my mother is if I divorce him, she thinks he is no good. But I don’t want to live life to please my mother….. I have to think about myself. Right? Just any advice about this whole situation would be great….. Thank you for your time.

Dear Jessica,

While I feel it is important for a woman to respect her Mother, note that I used the word “woman.” I truly feel for your situation and my gut instincts tell me, if he was truly about cheating, he wouldn’t want you to move to Virginia. That would be stupid on his part, now wouldn’t it? In addition, you will always hear me, rather, see me write that we must pay attention to our gut instincts. Yours, has told you that he is faithful. He obviously loves you or he’d make excuses why you should stay with Mom. That would be the easy way out, right? While we can’t know what tomorrow brings, your place is with your husband. If you stay with Mom and never dip your toe in, to test the water, you’ll never know or have the chance at a happy marriage. If nothing else, you must consider, that your child may need his/her father. I do believe that children need both parents, unless it makes complete and utter warfare. That scenario, is never good for the child. But where there is love, there is a happy child.

I imagine, in this case, you had to tell Mom, why you were moving home. Let this be a lesson for you, as well as the countless couples out there, that you never tell Mama. I wrote about it here. As you see, this is a textbook case, of you forgiving your husband but Mom can’t. He hurt her baby and she wants nothing more to do with him. This puts a strain on you and your mothers relationship. Live and learn, as I did!
I think that your rightful place is with your husband. If you two are to make a go of it, moving to Virginia is the answer. But how do we get Mom, to see this?

Perspective

You may have to dig and think of an incident, where your Mother was hurt by someone and she forgave them. Why do I have the feeling that your Father is not in the picture? If he is, in the picture, surely, there is something he did, through the years, to hurt your mother. They say that Love is Never Having to Say You’re Sorry (Love Story 1970’s) I don’t know about you but there are countless times where I was hurt and I hurt someone else. It may not have been on a grand scale but find something that was done, to make your point. Then, you show Mom, how when this person apologized to her, for the harm they had done, she accepted it. But what if you had not? What if you had held a grudge and made things difficult?
You must point out, how it would feel, if you refused to let go of what was done to her, which of course, would makes things rather difficult.

I think Mom is only trying to look out for your welfare and suffice it to say, she means no harm. Just like most Mom’s, she doesn’t want her child to hurt or to be hurt and wants to protect you. But you are a woman, no longer a little girl and you may have to point this out. She may have to realize that she needs to respect your wishes and put her feelings aside for the betterment of your marriage.

A man shall leave his mother, a woman shall leave her home. When you marry a man, he becomes your family. Unless he is actually hurting you, your place is in that home. You must point out to Mom, that your rightful place is with your husband and you must try for the sake of your child, as well. Maybe ask Mom, what it is, the real reason, why she has such disdain for your husband. If it was because he fooled around, she must understand that it is your decision to forgive him and out of respect, she should try to put her feelings aside and try to understand that you love your husband dearly and you want it to work.

You sit Mom down, have some coffee and tell her that you want to speak to her woman to woman, not mother and daughter. This will set the stage for a capsuled scenario of understanding and outlook. You also state that you do not want to argue or upset her, you simply want to talk. You would appreciate an audience with her that is not filled with angry thoughts or words, just woman to woman.
You then tell her that, you want, you need, her blessings and understanding. It is eating you up, the fact that you want to be with your husband and she can’t stand the idea. You tell her, you would hope she could find it in her heart to forgive him, for the sake of your child as well as yourself. You say that you must give this a chance but you must have her blessings. You can’t stand the thought that this would upset her, as you respect her, love her and never want to hurt her. You can point out that if we never forgave people, the world would stop and in your little world, it is falling apart. While you understand and respect her feelings, you would ask that she respect and try to understand yours and the love that you have for your husband. It is then, that you point out, that you are going into this, with your eyes wide open. You will not be stupid, you will be on your toes, concerning, if he has impropriety on his mind. You will also stash some money, a “Just in Case” fund. You ask Mom, to please try and understand, try to see how being away from your husband and her animosity towards him, is more than you can bear. Can she find it in her heart, possibly, to forgive?

Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt

You will then make your husband, more than aware of the fact that, this has torn you and your family apart. You will not stand for any monkey business and if he’s not serious, he needs to say so and go on with his life, minus yours. You tell him that a true man is about honesty and if you do not make him happy, he must say so. Say something before you go out there, with fooling around on your mind. Point out to him, that you are done crucifying him for what he has done, you choose to forgive him. It is only because you do have undying love for him, that you are able to forgive him. It does not mean that he got away with it and you will never be gullible again. Then, you ask him, how would he feel, if you had done that to him? Would he forgive you? Would he trust you and would his own mother, forgive you? Perspective. You must let him know that if he hurts you again, you will not be as nice and you will do your damnedest to make his life a living hell. Let his imagination ponder that and never tell him what you are talking about, just let him know that it is not an idle threat but an extremely calculated and well thought plan. Keep him on his toes, make him think!

Further reading Click Here


Ms.Babs,
First I want to say thank you so much for your reply! It was VERY helpful in making my decision. And you knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. And you were also right about how my father is NOT in the picture, my parents were divorced when I was 5 because my mom CAUGHT HIM CHEATING on her. And I feel that this is another reason why my mom holds such a big grudge against my husband, because it was done to her too. I have already discussed with my husband if he is to do it again to me, how I will not be as nice this time as I was the last. He said that he knows that and that he isn’t trying to “get rid of me”. So we’ll see how things go. As for sitting down and talking to my mom “woman-to-woman”, I really don’t know if I should do that, I am afraid that it will not go well and its going to turn into another one of her “Shes right and I’m wrong” arguments. I really don’t know how to approach that part of the “process”. But I will keep in touch and let you know how everything goes! Thank you for taking the time to write me back!

Very Respectfully,
Jessica

My Dearest Jessica,
In the event of being completely wrong and looking like a total ass, I omitted my real feelings about Mom. But I was right and I knew she’d been burned. She just doesn’t want you to go through what she went through. She may very well be right but I think putting the fear of God into a man and stating the facts does work. It worked for me. I let him know that at any point in the game, if I did not trip his trigger any longer, he was free to go and the hell with how he thought I might feel about it. I also pointed out just how ugly it would get and I could not be held accountable for my actions, were he to fool around on me again. I do not believe he ever did. I stayed on my toes and I kept him on his. I did not give him free reign to behave as if he was or act like he was single. I pointed out that what was good for the goose, is twice as tasty for the gander and if he wanted to go out with his buddies, his single buddies, then he wouldn’t mind if I did? Then, he could sit at home with the kids and wonder just what the hell I was up to? I thoroughly enjoyed that feeling as I did follow through with putting him in my shoes. His approach changed. A guys mentality can, when he’s out with his single buddies, be as if he were single and he wants to act like his friends, right? He places himself in the “Strike Zone.” That’s where chicks hit on him and he becomes vulnerable, especially after he’s been drinking. An innocent dance turns into going home with the girl. Then, it was regretful behavior. Knowing the nature of the hunter, we must never be stupid, gullible or willing to allow our men to place themselves in the strike zone. You just have to make him think. Most of all, if a man thinks he can get away with it, there’s a damn good chance, he’ll try it. It’s the same with crime. If you want to deter it, their has to be real civil penalty. There will be serious repercussions for his behavior. The best part is to keep them guessing, wondering. Their own imagination will do the trick, you just plant the magic seed.

I feel, eventually, you are going to have to deal with Mom. Even though this may be so uncomfortable to have to approach, you will have to do it or stand the heat of the bad feelings you create. ( 9 times out of 10, I tell people to write their feelings down, in the form of a letter.)
Tell Mom, that you realize she’s only trying to protect you from what she went through. You know she means no harm. But you must give your marriage a try, for the sake of your child and for the sake of happiness. You let her know that you have your sense and sensibilities in check and you are aware of things and their potential. But you love him and you have forgiven him. Forgiven but not forgotten and you ask her if she could find it in her heart to give you her blessings, so you may have this chance at happiness? It’s time for her to let her baby bird fly again.
ohmibod

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

You Have To Play To Win

This was sent to Aunt B via email…
Dear Aunt B,

What do you do when you love a guy so much and want to only be with him but you don’t trust him enough to be in a relationship with him? I had gotten close to this guy and I love him dearly and he asked me if I can trust him that he’ll do right by me but I just don’t because I barely hear from him because he had problems. What do I do?

Dear Friend,

Really, trust is the only thing we really have in a relationship. It is the foundation, without it, you stand to lose.

You have not stated what he did to cause you to not trust him. In actuality, it could be many things; from something he has done, to your own in general trust issues.

I have been burned. Nothing hurts worse than when you have put all your trust in one person and they throw it all away. If this is the case, where he has hurt you already, I’ll say this;
You hand them a little at a time. If you were burned by him, he’ll have to understand your apprehension. But you must make a choice to give it or walk away. He may be truly sorry for what he did and if he is, it is not fair to not forgive, now is it? Turn the tables and imagine that it was you, who hurt him. You are really sorry but he doesn’t believe you. You try and try, you talk till your blue in the face but he just will not give you his trust again. So, you get fed up, you get defensive because that’s what we do and you finally give up, walk away and tell him to go play with rocks, you are tired of telling him you are sorry. The sad part is that you were sincere, you loved him and you two would have made beautiful music together.

The other side of the scenario, may be your own issues. You may have been in a past relationship and that person burned you. It is all too clear to you that men are dogs, good for nothing and you will not have your heart stomped on again. Now, you’ve built this wall and they’ll be damn hard pressed to even climb over it. They could be the nicest guy, with good intentions but oh hell no, they will not hurt you again. If this is the case, you have to realize that not all guys are dogs and not all are wolves in sheep’s clothing. The third and final play I shall present, is the guy who takes forever to get himself together. You wait in the wings, you’re bound by good intentions but he keeps pussyfootin’ around. He can’t seem to get his act together. There’s always one thing or another. He’s got problem after problem and each and every one, he uses to place a distance between you. He may not even realize he’s doing it but he does it and you are getting tired of it. Rightfully so!

One thing I will point out to you and I suggest you have him read this. Every relationship is carved out of two things; Trust and Communication. Love is a big word, you obviously, do not give it freely? But you say you love him, right? Do you have a love for him, as I don’t see you being, “In Love,” with him and there is a difference. When you are in love, you do not throw that relationship on the back burner. No, it is that relationship, that person that you love, who stands beside you, weathers the storm with you and you work through it together. You trust each others emotions, meaning that you know when the shit hits the fan, that person won’t turn and run. In a true relationship, that person threw on a pair of designer shit goggles and stood there with you, held your hand and did not allow one piece to be flung that they were not willing to wear, right along side of you. When the storm was over and you stood there covered in the remnants, the two of you talked about how hard that was, how much it really stank but you say, “Hey, that was a lot of shit, they flung but we got through it. That wasn’t as bad with you by my side.” Two heads are always better than one, right?

Communicating your thoughts and fears, words of consolation and strength, well that is the cornerstone of the relationship. You may not have had a relationship, if he put you on the back burner in the name of, “Hey, I got problems.” So, you sat there and sat there while he worked it out. Then, he comes back and says, all is well, “let’s dance” and you’ve been sitting so long, you’d finally figured out that it was not a relationship in the first place, really, only an acquaintance, a drive-by affair. I’d be a little pissed and not so willing to just say, “OK, here’s my heart. Next time that shit hits the fan, I’ll expect you to just run and you won’t need me, right?”

If this guy was here right now, I’d just love to watch you tell him , I just will not stand for a drive-by romance, anymore. Either you are in or you are out, stop playing and stop faking the funk. I will not play any more games. Now, here’s a gram of trust, you are not getting the ounce, until I see you will not run and hide with it in your pocket. When I see that this is a relationship and you don’t use YOUR problems against me, then you’ll get an ounce. Once we have a real relationship here and I can trust your emotions as well as you trust mine, you may get more. You do realize that I own a pair of… Dooce Gabbana Shit Goggles? If I never wear them, we are or never have been in a relationship.
If you want my trust, I only give it to those I am in a relationship with. Now, are we in a real relationship or are we just pretending here? Real relationships involve team work and there’s no “I” in team, huh? If you want to do this all on your own, just say so but stop wasting my time.

Finally, handing someone your heart and your trust, is never easy. But it is your heart and your trust, so, you take control of it. You can give a bit at a time but you make it clear that it is reserved for a true relationship. You point out that real relationships are not just for or only when convenient. If he wants convenience, he needs to go down to the local store because that’s not you. You take control and state your needs. If he can’t fill that order, then he needs to go away, find someone who’s an easy target. Once you have stated your needs and made things clear, “Hey, poop or get off the pot here,” tell him, I’m not waiting any longer than I have, you have a problem and it’s not me. It’s him and he’s using his problems to keep from even the slightest commitment. You just have to be on top of the program and not willing to continue. But I encourage you to try to give your trust but use the formula of stating exactly how things should be and you will not tolerate anything less. You wait and you watch for the tell tale signs that he is making excuses, using problems to keep from the smallest commitment.

Trust is never easily given, once you’ve been hurt. But you must learn to trust again. You have to make a conscience effort to never be stupid or not on top of the game, that’s all. You take control of YOUR trust, it belongs to you. Now, start the game over but read him the rules. Put your trust in the pot, in the middle. Tell him, if he wants to earn that trust, it’s so simple; You have to be in the game to win!

After reading my answer, the reader wrote with this further comment…

Dear Aunt B

Thank you for that advice because it taught me some things but I’m still

stuck. The thing is every time I try to tell him how I feel he gets mad and

says I complain too much because he’s not ignoring me, he just has problems

and is too busy. He says he loves me and blah blah blah. I don’t want to talk

to him about my feelings anymore because we always end up fighting. I love

him to death but I don’t want to wait around for him because despite my

feelings for him, the reality is we are just friends and nothing more so I

can’t really expect too much from him. What’s the best way to go about this?

Girlfriend, it’s time to cinch up your Bitch Belt and take control. Let me remind you, that if you do not, you are as stuck as you believe you are, that’s it, that’s all.
You have a right to your feelings, they are yours. He is being insensitive to act or portray your communicating them, as nagging. Are you trying to make more of the relationship than he’s willing to give? If this is the problem, you may have to bow out gracefully but… not before you write down exactly how you feel and give it to him. I don’t like that feeling, that you can’t express, how you feel. This is paramount in any relationship whether it is even, your best friend. Ask yourself this; if he behaves this way, this early in the relationship or friendship or whatever you want to call it, how will he behave if you two do become serious? I mean really, in the first part of any relationship, there is usually a courting period. Somehow, you stepped over that period and waltzed right up to the end of a bad relationship.

Communication is the only thing a couple has and if you already feel stifled, you really need to assess that. It is not a good thing. You begin to shut down, you begin shut up and stuff your emotions. You are already setting into place a very passive stance and he knows it.

If you do decide to take the bull by the horns, I would write him a letter. I would tell him that you feel that you can’t express your emotions and it is not nagging. (I’m sorry but nothing pisses me off more than when I am pouring out true feeling, only to be told I am nagging. I dislike that as much as someone mocking me, it makes my blood boil) You’d better nip it in the bud right now or forever be in that holding pattern. You tell him that you are not willing to be shut down,or be shooed off like a bug, any longer. These are your feelings and if he can not help you work through this, he really has nothing to offer. That last sentence, sums it up, doesn’t it?

At this point in the game, what does he have to offer, other than a half assed relationship? He is only there for you, when and if it is convenient, so it seems? Now, don’t get me wrong, I think you love him for a reason? He must have some good qualities or you’d probably have kicked him to the curb a while ago, right? I want you to ask yourself, what those qualities are and if they are worth fighting for? If they are; write the letter.

What do you stand to lose, if you make your feelings known and take a stance that you won’t be pushed out any longer? I see a pattern of questioning your very relationship; is he just a good friend or are we in a “Couple’s Relationship”? What would it hurt, for you to ask him that same question in your letter? Call his bluff and tell him, if he can’t answer you, you no longer want this semblance of a relationship.

Right now, I think he has you all sewn up in this pretty little package of a girlfriend on demand. If you tolerate and continue to endure this behavior in the name of, “his problems” you will continue to be treated less than, what you deserve and yes, you do deserve better than this. I just so happen to know that you are a timid and caring woman, who sacrifices her own feelings for the sake of others. I want you to stop being a martyr, he does not deserve that and you do not deserve to live your life anything less than happy.

Somehow, I don’t think he is doing this on purpose. No, I think he explains his behavior on having problems. But now he has projected those problems on you by denying you his affection, denying you healthy communique and and a lack of definition concerning your relationship. Every single one of those items, I just mentioned are the cornerstone of any relationship. You don’t have this and it would not sit well with any normal person. Let me also point out that you are a normal person and you have not been unreasonable with him. You have been unreasonable for allowing this to go on.

Write the letter, stating your feelings, matter of fact. Ask him what really defines your relationship, together and let him know, if he can’t give you that, you are going to say good-bye.
This is like letting your dog off the leash; if he’s your dog, he won’t run away, he will know where you stand and loyally stick by your side.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

From Smoke to Backdraft

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I have serious problems! My cousin just showed me
Life As We Know It and Kelly Osbourne’s character is just like me fat but beautiful. When I saw her boyfriend I was thinking “Why can’t I get a guy?!” my school is filled with……….morons! And people always make fun of me! I feel so sad thinking about what I’m missing because a lot of my friends have gf’s and bf’s already but I don’t! I feel like a loser all the time because no one likes me. What should I do?

Sad in St.Louis

Dear Sad in St.Louis,

It occurs to me, that this gives me the opportunity to say exactly how I feel about this “Thin vs Fat,” thing. It has raged on for too many years and I think it’s time for us, as women/young woman to stop allowing it and all the crap that goes with it. I have really thought about this and have made a few observations.
To start, you can look at the women, in pictures, many years ago and you will see happy faces of women, I will call “ample.” Back in the day, a man wanted a woman who looked healthy, not some emaciated rail of a girl. All the women, back then, even in to the early 60’s looked a little plump and it was perfectly acceptable. What happened?
I can remember the model, by the name of Twiggy, on the cover of magazines. You may not remember her but she was extremely thin, just like Kate Moss. Well, some group of dumb asses, in the fashion world, thought just how wonderful she was. It must have been a group the world respected because it was then that this war on fat began.

I’d like to meet this group and tell ’em just how retarded I think they are and here’s a big Bitchslap just for them.

How dare they put American women in such jeopardy? Did they not realize just how sick we’d become trying to emulate these ridiculous Tiny Hinies? To this day, girls are fighting against feeling fat by becoming Anorexic, Bulimic, addicted to drugs, especially Cocaine and Meth. We are even addicted to taking laxatives, just to remain thin and what they perceive as “desirable.” I am not telling you anything that I do not know first hand. I would eat and throw up, I did Coke, I took laxatives, all to look good in those tight ass jeans. It’s not a good way to live, it’s not a good perception of yourself or others and it’s a load of bunk.

At 48, I still have to fight this eating disorder and just enjoy a healthy meal without the guilt I felt when I wanted to eat something naughty. What happens though is a delusional outlook on what is the supposed norm as to how a young woman should look. It is a hard habit to break.
Just once, I’d like to get in the face of these men, who came up with this extremely dumb idea of what a woman should look like. We’re killing ourselves for that cause and I think it’s time to Stop. But, but, but it’s got to be the women, who say, “We’ve had enough of this monstrosity of perception. You will accept us as God intended us to be. No, if ands or Big Butts about it!”
How many women go under the knife to have big boobs and so on, to please who…men? We abuse our feet putting them into pointed toed shoes, wear stiletto heels and end up with bunions. I know, I have them and it was from years of trying to look sexy in my three piece suit or short skirts and heels. But you see, I did this, huh? No one held a gun to my head and said you will be skinny and wear stilettos and an underwire bra so your boobs will look perky? When we fought for equal rights in the workplace, the right to vote and all the crap we insisted on, we walked away without negotiating the “real deal”.

The way it should be, is that a woman can dress sensibly, maintain a reasonable weight and be accepted for who she is and get paid for the job if she can do it. If a woman can’t pull a firehouse up the stairs of a burning building, she should not be paid the same wage as the guy who can. But if she can do it or gaff/climb that pole and hang that telephone wire or install fiber optics or whatever, she should be paid for it. But this all comes back to us, as women. We have to begin to insist that we are treated well, accepted as we are and throw these damn delusions right out the window. It starts…one woman at a time.
We can have this if we want it. What will men do, stop marrying us? Man can not survive without woman and vise versa. The world would not stop, if we insist we will not live this way any longer. In fact, we’d all be happier.

This is not about all that but I am laying the ground work for you to begin to look at yourself differently. Life is all perspective, is it not? It is all about how we see each other but more importantly, how we view ourselves. If you look in the mirror and see ugly, that is what you will continue to see and in turn this is how you will carry yourself; as an ugly person. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but…how you present yourself, how you carry yourself, how you feel about yourself, will and I repeat will make the impact, good or bad, as to peoples perception of you.

Some people live a charmed life. Some of us have to work at it a little harder. Personally, I had to work on it. My Mom looked like Raquel Welch and my little Sister is beautiful too. I felt like the cold bologna in the middle of that sandwich. I never really felt pretty much less beautiful but I was rather assertive, bordering aggressive. I have always got the guy I wanted and often wondered how I did it? Many men asked me out, many asked for my hand in marriage. How’d I do it?

You have to start by looking in the mirror and asking yourself, really what do you see? If you are honest with yourself, write down what you see, on a physical realm. Then, again look in that mirror and write down what you see about yourself on a personality aspect. Now, you can have a, 100 things on that paper and you can be wrong about yourself a 100 times. Be realistic and look for your good qualities. OK, so maybe you don’t like your eyebrows? Well whatever it is, you do the best with what you have. Fix what you can. Improve the improvable and move on. Let me point out that this is surface stuff and it’s not by any means, the important stuff.

Did you know that Kelly Osbourne wears one of Aunt B’s Bitch Belt’s? Oh yes she does and wears it well, proudly. I am telling you to put one on, right now and then we’ll move to the next part of this.

Kelly Osbourne is not what some people would perceive as a model, now is she? Neither am I and somehow, I believe you are not either. So, what is Kelly’s secret? Is it her money? Maybe? Is it her family? Maybe?

I happen to believe I know Kelly’s secret…She’s Assertive!

Kelly wears that Bitch Belt. She gets up in the morning, as I want you to and she puts it on. Then, she goes out, in style, holds her head up, come what may.

My own Granddaughter, Jessie, is just about a dead ringer for Kelly. She acts just like her and when she walks into a room, people notice her. Why…because she shines. Jessie was so cute when she was little. As she grew up, she was not or rather did not have the best behavior. She was a bully there for a minute, she was into drugs and drinking, she was messing up. She was and is a lot like her Grandma. But now, Jessie wears a Bitch Belt. She treats people like she wants to be treated and will not allow anybody to treat her any less than she deserves to be treated. She insists on it and she will also call you on it, if you are trying to do anything less than what is right.

See, it all starts with your own values and beliefs. You have to believe that you are valuable and you are. You can and will have an impact in this life. How do I know this? I will not tell how but take my word on it, it’s our secret. Furthermore, I want you to begin to keep yourself in check. By this, I mean, that you will begin to be honest with yourself. OK, so you don’t have the perfect figure? So what, what’s the perfect figure, huh? Don’t aspire to be anybody but you and be happy being you. Do the best with what you were given. Keep or hold yourself to a higher standard. Why? Because you are a special young lady, I just feel it. Now, let me remind you that I am not about giving lip service and telling you what I think you want to hear. If I don’t feel it, I just don’t say it. I think you are in that awkward stage between a girl and becoming a woman. A rite of passage is becoming comfortable in your own skin. You will never be anybody but you and why would you want to? You need to be realistic and have an acceptance of yourself and your own self worth. All this will begin that rite of passage. Do the best with what you have, be honest with yourself, don’t take any shit, don’t give any shit, be assertive, communicate and state your needs. But most of all realize your own self worth; this will be the turning point. Darlin’, you are going places, mark my words. If you incorporate all this, people will begin to see you differently and you will shine. See, right now, you are just an ember. The good stuff that is YOU is there but someone or something told you that you are just smoke. What they didn’t realize is that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. That fire has to start somewhere. It will start when you begin to take a stand and accept nothing less than the very best for yourself because you are worth it. This might seem like a bunch of bullshit but I will guarantee, this will work if you are willing to make it second nature within your own psyche. You have to believe it. You don’t know me from a can of paint but I am telling you that I see a powerful young lady, an ember ready to surprise all with a Backdraft!

To answer you the best way I know how, all things will fall into place; boyfriends, friends and life in general, once you read this, put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt and begin to appreciate yourself for who you really are. You have my guarantee!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!