This Transition

Dear Aunt B,

I know you stated on your website to go ahead and ask any question. But as I began to write mine I noticed I was writing too much haha, it is a very long story and I don’t want to take up too much of your time because I see how many people have already written to you and they had straight to the point stories, not taking up more than 2 paragraphs. But I just really needed someone to talk to, so I basically poured my heart out haha. Is that okay to send to you anyway or would it be better if I tried summing it up more? Whatever is convenient for you just let me know and I will shorten my big long story 🙂

Editor’s Note; I wrote back to Jennifer the following…

“Hello Jennifer,

I am in receipt of your part one question. I welcome you to please tell me everything you feel you need to say. There is no limit or guideline, short or long. The more I know, the better to help you.

I’ll welcome your reply and will answer you asap!”

I then received her next letter which Xmichra kindly took the time to answer.



Well Aunt B, here is my story. I am only 20 years old but have put myself in an awkward position and need help getting out of it. I have been dating this person for almost 5 years. We were high school sweethearts and are still together to this day. He’s a good person, my mom loves him, we have seen each other grow and even helped each other grow as well. All of our family encourages our relationship and have never once doubted anything we did as a couple. Even our friends call us the “real deal”. At one point in our relationship, around our 3rd year together (i know, i know.. we were still very young) we began to talk about marriage and having kids. Everything seemed so perfect, he was my best friend, he was always there for me. There was nothing negative I could say about him or about the relationship, even now. And to be honest, when I made these decisions with him I really believe I did it out of comfort. Because I figured nobody as perfect or more perfect than him would come along and I was afraid to find out anyway. And over the following years I believed I let go of that fear because I felt it in my heart that I was genuinely wanting this life with him. But then I started college in the fall of 2008 and I was making friends left and right. Catching up with high school friends and finding new ones. He and I had our differences and sometimes clashed. But we never argued, we would always discuss how we felt and didn’t leave anything unsaid until we found a mutual understanding. And believe me I am grateful for that because I know other couples don’t have it picture perfect. I don’t want to sound like I am complaining but , all the “perfectness” started to get under my skin. And I really tried to fight it because I did not want to feel like a brat or lose what was most valuable to me over a silly phase.

But I couldn’t help how I was feeling. The more we had these discussions the more I began to realize our differences, which seem like a lot. I realized how jealous he was, how controlling, and needy he was. He didn’t want me to dress a certain way leaving the house, he didn’t want me talking to any boys even if they were old friends, he did not like for me to attend any kind of events, parties, get togethers, or even bowling with a few friends. He would get upset if I didn’t call him to let him know where I was, when I got home, or who I was with. He did not want me having any kind of webpage like myspace, facebook, etc. He did not even want me texting anyone back while I was on the phone with him. I just began feeling suffocated. But we are the type of people to want to resolve things instead of getting mad or “getting back” at eachother. So I was patient, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt at least 80% of the time. But then we started having double standard issues.

He would hang out with his friends or family and not call me for two days. Or he would go get his hair cut and wear a nice outfit on a regular tuesday. All these things, were things that honestly did not bother me. I love when he dresses nice, I want him to socialize and what not. But it seemed like he was taking advantage of it. He understood where the double standard stood but he was too stubborn to try and fix it. I remember our first arguement was when I had to take a business trip to florida for 2 weeks. He complained about how much he missed me the entire time. When I got back I called him to let him know I had landed safely and he did not pick up. I tried again later that night, still no answer. So I left him a voicemail telling him goodnight and that I love him. The next day, no calls, no texts. The day after that he calls and was talking to me like everything was fine. I was surprised because he’s such an anal person, he usually calls my phone billions of times a day when I go on trips. But I didn’t think anything of it. The day after that, no word from him again. So now I’m thinking there’s something wrong, because he hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back, which is very rare for him to do. Then a few more days pass by, I get one call in 3 days. On the fourth day he says we need to talk. So we meet up at the park and he says he’s feeling suffocated..surprise surprise right. He said sometimes he doesn’t want to be on the phone with me all day because he wants time to hang out with his brothers and his friends. He said he doesn’t want to sit on the phone for hours after he has already seen me. And my reply was “But I’m doing all of this because you want that. You’re the one who calls me the most and you complain if I want to get off the phone or have to. You tell me to call you every time I make a move. All of this I do for you.” And somehow we began to argue, it was a really stupid arguement but we got over it, we ended up just talking it out. A couple of days passed and I call him just to say hi on my lunch break at work, we talked for a few minutes then I asked so what are your plans for the rest of the day and he said he was leaving to california. I was kinda shocked, he was just ready to take his little vacation and he had known about it for a week and didn’t say anything to me. I was not happy with the way he had been acting at all so I confronted him. And his excuse was, he thought I’d be upset if he told me earlier so he decided to put it off til the day of. So by this time I’m feeling really, really annoyed with him and I’m not sure why. But I began to raise my voice, I was really frustrated with him. I was bringing up all sorts of things, I mentioned how he still hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back from florida, how he would have chewed me up and spit me back out for making plans to go to cali without telling him, etc. And again, we argued, talked it out and went about our business.

Little things like that kept happening here and there. Then I met this guy in college, he was very very nice and his personality just attracted me to him very very much. He was everything I was attracted to, very tall, well dressed, handsome face, and nicely built. I had a little crush on him and it wasn’t for a long time until I realized that everytime I was around him I completely forgot about my boyfriend. We ended up hanging out on a regular basis. But nothing more than friends at that time. He would take me out for breakfast after our first class, then sometimes would stay after his last class waiting for me to get out of mine just so he could talk to me before we both left the campus. I was slowly drifting away from my boyfriend without really realizing it. Then one day the guy from school was walking me to my class one afternoon after we had got back from a little cafe across the street. He asked if he could get a kiss on his cheek and I thought it was the cutest thing ever. And i don’t know what made me do it but I did, I went to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head and kissed me on the lips, then just walked away. I was still standing there in shock for a few seconds. And the whole time in class all I kept thinking about was him, I didn’t even once think of the bigger issue, the fact that I had a boyfriend who I am supposingly in love with but I just let another guy who I have the biggest puppy crush on, kiss me. So to make an extremely long story, a bit shorter.. I spent the night at his house one night and did something I really probably shouldn’t have. I broke all my rules with this guy. My boyfriend of 4 years had been my first and only everything and vice versa. We took eachother’s virginity and he was my first boyfriend and my first kiss. I had made a promise to myself and God that I would give my body to only one man for the rest of my life, since I had started having sex before marriage. But obviously that promise wasn’t strong enough because I had sex with the guy from college that night. But still I wasn’t thinking of the fact that I was now cheating on my boyfriend and breaking my promise to God.

That same night we had decided to start a relationship between us. And a few weeks later he told me he loved me. And I was very very cautious and skeptical at first. But I started believing it little by little, just because of his actions. He would still tell me “i love you” even though I never said it back. He didn’t stop being a gentlemen or doing the nice and thoughtful things he did even before we began dating. He was very attentive and was always trying to find ways and things to please me. And one day it just hit me that I was in love with him and not my boyfriend. But I just couldn’t let go of my boyfriend, I don’t understand why. I know I was still with him out of comfort but at the same time I was falling in love with another guy, so why was I still comfortable with him and not the college guy. So I held onto my first boyfriend and as bad as it sounds I wasn’t feeling guilty. I hate to say it but it is the truth and I can not deny it. Things were going great with this college guy. He wanted me to look my best, he wanted me to socialize with friends and was not hesistent to bring me around his guy friends. He wanted me to meet his mother and his mother instantly took a liking to me. He wanted me to attend all the family gatherings and would introduce me proudly.

There are some things about him though that are a little less than nice. He is also 20 years old, but he has a 3 year old son. He smokes weed on a weekly basis, he loves to watch porn and still keeps condoms in his car & on his nightstand even though he knows I am allergic to the lubricant in condoms. One night he left me all dressed up waiting for him to come pick me up for a dinner date. And when I asked what had happened he said he got caught up at the studio (he is a musician). But two days later I was at his house and we were taking a nap, I woke up to turn the TV off and accidently knocked our cellphones off his nightstand. So as I went to pick them up I noticed ticket stubs for the movies under his wallet, I picked one up and it said 9:10pm and the exact date of the day he stood me up. So I got curious but for some reason didn’t even confront him about it. The next week I left for a trip to florida to visit family. He was very sweet about it and told me he would call me every day. He told me to enjoy myself and behave. He gave me a very expensive bracelet and told me to wear it proudly and think of him everytime I put it on.

When I came back things were still good. Then I began to argue again with my first boyfriend. We would stop talking for weeks at a time, then get back on the phone very cold and distant. We both noticed the change, but I was still not letting him go. We had not seen eachother for about 3 months by then. This pattern continued over the next months and my birthday came around, which was the 25th of june, not too long ago. My other boyfriend wanted to spend that day with me so he tried to book a hotel for us, but he had lost his job due to a trip he had to make to california to see his son, but the company he was with told him he did not have any vacation time and that they would just have to lay him off since he was only working there for about 2 months. So he did not have a steady income and was doing little work here and there like construction and performing at night clubs. But most of his money he had to send to his son, which is totally understandable and I even encouraged it. So I decided I would book the hotel since he had already done a lot for me previous to being laid off. I booked the hotel, I bought the candles, the bubble bath, the flower petals and the whole nine. The night did not go as romantic as I had planned for it to go. He brought his ps3, his cds and his weed. I was kind of disappointed I’m not gonna lie. But the way he was looking at me and touching me, I was just melting and ignoring everything else. He asked if it was okay to smoke in front of me and I really don’t know why I said yes because I hated the fact that he smoked and certainly did not want to see him doing it. So he began preparing his stuff to smoke and asked me if I would do it with him just one time. And I said no, then he started to beg and mentioned how he drank alcohol with me at one of my family’s parties even though he didn’t drink. So I figured if he did that for me I could do this just once. And I did, and the feeling was not too pleasant. I was enjoying the mood with him but I didn’t like the effect the drug had on me. That night had its ups & downs. And he ended up falling asleep on me earlier than I had planned, which kind of ruined the rest of the night because I was wide awake and had planned all these things I wanted to do with him. We didn’t light any of the candles, the flower petals remained in their box, the sex oils were not used, the bubble bath and huge jacuzzi in the middle of our room went untouched. So there I was, high as a kite, bored, upset, hungry and irritated. Then he woke up around 3am and ordered room service, which kind of made things a little better because he knew how to order my food since I am a picky eater. He asked for a special dessert to my liking, he asked for flowers and for a small cake to be brought to our room that said happy birthday on it. And it was that kind of thing that had me back and forth with him. Because he would do something I didn’t like or something questionable but then it was like he balanced it out and did something thoughtful right behind it, so there was no room for confrontation or a window left open to argue.

A few days later my first boyfriend called and said he was sorry for not being able to spend my birthday with me because he works at a car dealership and is a salesmen and a supervisor and is always working, sometimes from bell to bell. He said he would like a chance to make it up and that he had a special gift for me. So he came to pick me up that night and he had a fish tank in the back of his car and when I looked in it, it had two baby turtles. That is one of my favorite animals and had always wanted little ones as a pet. My heart started beating faster and all of a sudden I stopped thinking of my other boyfriend. I couldn’t believe he remembered and that he would spend so much money getting it for me. He was not the gift giving type. I took the turtles inside my house and got back in his car, he took me to an old church parking lot and told me to get in the drivers seat. I didn’t know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me and my mom was always promising to teach me but never followed through. He knew that was something I would really, really appreciate. So he taught me how to drive that night. He even let me drive all the way back to my house. Then he gave me a calendar for 2009-2010. And each month had a big picture of us back in High School. And The month of our anniversary had a picture of us standing together in the spot where we had our first kiss. I was speechless, I knew he took his time planning this and put all his money into it.

So now I am trying to re evaluate things with both of them, because I realize my errors and I know I can not take them back or fix them. But I can start doing the right thing, I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I feel strongly for them both. And I keep making the same lists of pros & cons for both. The college boyfriend has the personality, the lifestyle and the looks. My high school boyfriend has the morals, the respect, the goals and the loyalty. I’m torn between the two. When I think of my college boyfriend I think of how much fun we have together. How he makes me feel and how good of a person he is. How sweet he can be and how independent he is. How his mother tells me the significant change she has seen in him ever since we got together and how he’s is a much better person when I’m around. How he holds my hand and always wants to bring me around family and wants to always be around mine. He tells me how I’m the only person he doesn’t get tired of being around, that even his mother and closest friends annoy him after a while. He always wants to see me and is hard on himself when he can’t take me out to places or buy me things. He talks about us moving in together and how he’s never felt the way he feels for me for any other girl. But I also think of him smoking, and watching all this porn, and the condoms, his obsession with girls, his son, his goal to be rich and famous, his lack of nuturing sometimes and his attitude. He is kind of mean and when we play fight he leaves marks and bruises. One minute he’s saying I love you and holding me, then the next he’s avoiding asking me to come see him perform or texting me all day for 2 days straight instead of calling. He asks me to buy him things and says a lot of cocky things that are almost hurtful sometimes. He will play around with things but in a mean way. Like he will tell me to get a job, even though he’s jobless as well and knows how hard I am trying to find employment. He will say things like “do this or do that, stop doing this or stop doing that if not ill break up with you”. He will slap my butt with all his force when we play fight when I ask him not to, then apologizes and kisses it when he sees the welts. With him it’s like a rollercoaster, we’re always down to make up. He has even admitted to not knowing his own strength sometimes. He is 6’4 and 240lbs. I am 5’2 and 130lbs, an odd match right?

And with the high school boyfriend, I think of how long we’ve been together. How much we’ve been thru together. We have seen eachother in our worst times and have been there cheering eachother on in our glory. I think of how he has never disrespected me or ever played around like my other boyfriend does. How he doesn’t want me attracting the wrong attention for my own safety, not out of jealousy. How he doesn’t want me around the wrong crowd for the same reason. How he always puts my feelings first and will sacrifice everything he has for me. He will take the bus from one city to another just to see me for 5 minutes, which he has done before back in High School when he wasn’t driving. I think of him being my first and vice versa. I think of having a future with him and knowing he would be a great husband and father. Then I also think of the double standards. How he won’t change it no matter how many times we argue. How he will fist fight with another man for just looking at me funny. How he doesn’t want to bring me around his cousins or brothers in california. How he wants me to stay at home all day unless im with him. How he won’t allow me to interact online with friends. How he doesn’t even want me to wear a sundress to school. How he doesn’t want me doing my hair all the time because I attract attention. How he has admitted to not wanting me to stay in shape because he thinks if I gain a little weight less people will find me attractive. How he doesn’t like going out with me on dates. He doesn’t like to go to parties or clubs or even the movies because he doesn’t want me getting dressed up. How on several occasions he made me put on his big hoodie if we were around his friends so they wouldn’t notice my chest so much. How he doesn’t want me to greet his guy friends with hugs, but will greet another girl with a hug sometimes. How he gets upset if I buy tight jeans or heels and always says “its not like im gonna let you wear it anyway, so why bother buying it”. How I really am not attracted to him physically, more mentally than anything. And how we stopped really getting along like boyfriend and girlfriend slowly after our 3rd year together. It felt like a best friend, who you will argue with from time to time, but have so much history and his always be there for eachother and be a part of eachother’s lives.

I’m scared to continue letting my gaurd down with the college guy because of how fast things are going. We will have been together for just one year in october. I can’t really tell what our future holds as a couple. I truely love him and would love to grow together, I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them. I see all the good in him and see his potential. I’m just scared and sometimes I really don’t know why.

And with my first boyfriend I just don’t know how to let go. I want him to be a part of my life but not relationship wise. I think of what if I stay with him forever. I think I would just be complacent, but not fully happy. I would appreciate him and value him but I would be sticking around out of fear to venture, out of guilt and out of not giving myself enough credit to find someone perfect for me. It is just very difficult to throw away the years and the memories over confusion. I don’t want to make anymore mistakes and I want a chance to redeem myself with God because I know I have been doing wrong without even caring. And I am open to the criticism and to be called out on my faults because I know I need to hear it and I need to fix my personal problems before I can fix others.

Dear Torn:

Sounds to me like you are doing a lot of soul searching actually. People change and grow going from a teenager to a young adult. They change all the time, but this transition seems to have to most affect on a person’s attitudes on life and love.

Before I go any further, my honest advice would be to stop with the both of them all together, take some time out for yourself and try to figure out what it is you really want (and not from them) in your life, what your goals are, and what you think you deserve. These are things that you should be thinking about before entering into another (or current) long term relationship, or you are not being fair to yourself or to the other participant.

I would like to encourage you to reread this letter that you wrote, but skip to the last four paragraphs. I want you to read them, your pro and con list, and tell me (or better yet, yourself) why you are with either of these guys. Read the paragraphs two or three times if needed. You are making a pro and con list of the two guys… well what about the pros and cons themselves, and how they affect YOU.

As for the weighing options… well, there really isn’t much to weigh. You have out grown your first boyfriend and his choices. You want to remain friends, but don’t know what to do or say to ensure you don’t lose him. Here’s the thing – that’s not up to you. You should break it off with him (because you know it’s the right thing to do) by telling him that you two have grown apart, but you still love and cherish your friendship. You can tell him that you would hate to be on the outs with him and would like to remain friends, and see where it goes. Honestly, if you have the time for the other guy… I suspect he has another girl and is doing the same thing as you. Regardless, once you break it off and extend the branch, it’s up to him on whether he wants it or not. I would not bring up that you have been messing about with some other bloke for the past year, etc. That would just hurt him, to clear your conscious. Which isn’t fair.

With the second guy… it sounds as though you are being played big time. The guy is used to getting out of “girl jams” by being kind and cute. But laying condoms out and about when you aren’t using them… don’t you think he might be using them with someone else? Does he know about your boyfriend, and is he okay with it? And the “slight playing” where he leaves welts is totally not cool. Nor is it cool that he puts you down, in the manor of a joke (like the unemployment thing) and you aren’t seeing it because it isn’t blatant. Okay, you said something that I really really really want you to understand. You said : “I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them”. I really want to point this out to you, because it is a flaw a lot of people make through their entire life. I am telling you, with absolute certainty, that this is wrong. Only the person who wants to change, will change. And they will do it his/her self, for themselves. A person cannot (and will not) change just for another person without regret, judgement and feeling resentful. If you think you can change a person, I am sorry but you are going to get hurt.

Right now you are basing you attraction to boy #2 on sexual desire for a physic, and that can be dangerous. You are overlooking all the things that make you not like him at all, in favour for the things you *do* like, that you didn’t get with boy #1.

The point of being with a partner is not to change them. It is to understand and love them because of their similarities, AND their differences to you. The things that last for couples tend to be on a totally moral and value scale, not on looks. And being in your twenties is a time of discovery and helps to form and solidify your beliefs and values. I am not going to go into the whole god aspect, because I think you should figure all that stuff for yourself. But you don’t have to be constantly worried about being sent to hell, because you are trying to figure things out. If you want to do well by your god, and his word… then do so. Make it a point to be honest, starting with yourself. Make it a point to let go, and to be fair. Doing these things takes courage, and it will create unfamiliar territory (being single) but in the long run YOU will benefit from learning about yourself, and what you need from life.

I hope you find the clarity you require to find yourself through all of this.

~Xmichra

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Lipstick Notch

Dear Aunt B,

hi my name is Ashley. i have been with my husband for nine years. lately he has shown a great interest in pornography featuring black girls with big butts. he also dated women fitting that description while we were separated. i am the complete opposite of that. i am a white petite female. our sex life has diminished. he isnt showing much interest in me. i don’t know what to do or what to think. most guys go gaga over me i don’t understand why my husband does not anymore.

Dear Ashley,

Unfortunately, this is happening all across America. Due to the prevalence and easier access to Porn via the Internet, I personally believe that our men may be falling into the trap of “Desensitization.”

I really feel for you and realize just how important it is for us to be the object of our mans desires. It hurts deeply when we find out that we may not be all that in his eyes. But if every woman in America, especially the wives could actually read our husbands minds, well suffice it to say, we’d be scarred for life, appalled as well as grief stricken.

Men are hard wired differently than we are and are actually in a constant state of warfare as to putting off their desires, not acting upon them and keeping themselves in check. Even the greatest of men have fallen especially when they have some little floozy throwing her junk in his face on the daily. It happens at work, it happens at the bars, it happens when we, as well as they, least expect it.

There’s nothing funny about it but it’s hard not to laugh when you realize that if you ask the average man about his will to sustain, you know to not fool around on his wife or girlfriend, he’ll often feel that he deserves Kudos for his good behavior. I mean after all, he fights it off every day and in a funny sort of way, he does deserve a cookie.

Yes, these days our morals are going to hell in a hand basket and there are girls, not women out there that’d just love to bed Your man down. They see the wedding ring and observe it as a challenge. Just for shits-n-giggles they’ll want your husband as another Lipstick Notch on their bed post.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, for starters you must be aware of his needs, not in a subservient way but in an understanding of how he’s wired with a mutual willingness to please. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts you want to keep his attention as well as keep him shopping at “your store.”

You’ll want to jazz it up, for one thing. It’s like this; Marriage and when I speak of marriage I do firmly believe that if you are living together as well as sleeping together in the “Marriage Bed” you are simply lacking a piece of paper that validates it in the eyes of the Law. That simplified, the marriage bed is a partnership, a two to Tango situation and a thing to be cherished and more importantly worked at. It must be cultivated and nurtured if we want it to grow. It must be seen in all seriousness and never taken for granted, our first and foremost downfall.

Flip The Script

My suggestion to you is one where you need to step up to the plate and bat. You need to take charge and begin to fight for your man. This is not “I am woman hear me Roar” speech but I do want you to begin to be less a victim. Begin with a more blitzkrieg approach;

You must state your needs, asserting your likes and dislikes, what you will as well as will not stand for. For starters, you’ll have to put the shoe on the other foot…

He will look funny in your high heels, hahaha, but you’ll have to put things in terms he’ll understand. For one thing, you should ask him if he would be bothered if you were watching other men, porn to be exact? Give him the scenario that how would he feel if he came home, looked at the History on your computer and saw that you were watching men with huge cocks? Yea, I said it! Many men, even if they are well endowed are intimidated by other men and their package if it’s bigger than theirs. Ask him how he would feel if he saw that every few days you were watching this sort of thing and not just for a few minutes but for long periods of time. Would it not bother him? Would it not make him feel inadequate? Would he possibly wonder that there’s a chance that you were not satisfied with his manhood?

If he says that all that does not bother him, I’ll call him a damn liar!!! The point is that that exact scenario is how you feel when he looks at the sort of things he’s been looking at. You are not black nor do you have a big booty so how could you ever measure up to his specifications?

All this Porn watching does not mean that he does not love you. What it does mean though, carries the implication that he does, possibly take you for granted and is not doing his part in the cultivation of your marriage? At the same time as I stated before, you’ve got to work at tripping his trigger. This may be a stinging indictment for both of you?

My Advice would be to sit down and get it all out lest you explode with resentment. Furthermore, I also suggest that you engage him in the understanding, a meeting of the minds that his behavior is hurtful and makes you feel like shit, less than and not capable to measure up.

The Solution

It would be rather kind of him to agree to limit his “Porn Time” just for starters. You’ll never get anywhere if you demand it and he’ll just begin to get sneaky about it. Putting that shoe on his foot, as I stated may make him understand that it is extremely hurtful to you as well as desensitizing to him. He may not realize it but men who watch really XXX porn, you know the down and dirty stuff have a harder time getting aroused unless they are, themselves engaged in dirty dirty stuff.

So, he’d be doing himself and of course you a favor if he saved himself for you, watched less porn and masturbated less. Yes, normally the two go hand in hand, no pun intended!

Working on your marriage bed action has got to be Priority One. I also suggest that you invest in a vibrator and use it with him in your foreplay. If you need to know why I suggest this, I welcome you or anyone else to write me and I’ll be more than happy to communicate why I feel this is important.

Don’t be shy!!!You’d be surprised!!!

Email Babz

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Suggested Reading;

Sexual Healing

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Genuine Savoir-Faire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I’m 19, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we’re more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can’t imagine leaving him. I always thought I’d marry him one day, but I’m scared that I’ll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it’s because I’m not into him like that. I’ve been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that’s not the case at all. We’re still so much closer then just friends. We’re a couple, we just aren’t romantic. We’ve talked about it. He’s trying to slim down. but I’m afraid that it’s not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He’s such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?

Dear Reader,

You two are already like an old married couple, you just don’t have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.

Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?

In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.

Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more…unless…you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.

The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.

Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you “love them,” if you don’t mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.

I actually think it’s a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it’s important to be attracted to your partner.

I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I’d like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of “Affection,” or “Affectionate Behavior.”

Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside…a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;

Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?

It’s certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.

I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.

I’d hope you’ve noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.

As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It’s a conscience effort to please each other. But it’s essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, “the wifely duties.” How gross is that, hah?

I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I’ll ask this simple question, “Are you ever sexually attracted,” meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.

Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.

Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don’t want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!

Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.

The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret…or…hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)

“Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration.”

Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling

If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you’ve done your duty…all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.

My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it’s meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it’s as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, “Oh, we’re going to have sex tonight,” but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.

Maybe, you could both write down why you’d want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro’s and con’s of it. If it’s not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. “I feel this way” or “that way” which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?

Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., “your smile” or maybe, “your laughter” or possibly, “the considerate things you do for me.” So it’s a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.

It’s always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know…you’re doing the “Horizontal Mambo.”

Hoping To Help,

Halena

Good Samaritan

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Good Samaritan

Hi Aunt B–

I don’t know if I’m making a big issue out of something that isn’t so big, but I’m pretty sure I’ve created a situation at work that is causing some discomfort for someone else, and I know it’s causing some for me, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

You see, I found myself growing attracted–really attracted–to someone at work. I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, and anyway, although I’m really attracted to him, I had a very hard time believing we were a good fit, so I tried very hard not to let my feelings show. But I slipped up, and he figured it out. He was very kind about it, letting me know in a subtle way that he was married, and talking with me in a way that really kept me from being embarrassed. And I’m not embarrassed, I haven’t been, and I’ve gone about my business as usual since then. But twice now, when he and I have been in the same room together, but without really saying anything to each other, I’ve wondered if he’s feeling uncomfortable.

I’m not sure, but I think he may have gone out of his way to avoid me once. So my question is; should I try to avoid being around him for awhile? It really wouldn’t be that difficult. I’ll admit it would hurt my pride a little to do that–it would be like saying that I was just being nice to him before because I thought he was available, which would not be true. But if it would make him feel more comfortable, at least for awhile, I could do it. On the other hand, while it wouldn’t be difficult for me to avoid him, it would be terribly obvious, to him as well as some other people, and maybe that would make him more uncomfortable.

Also, I admit that it hurts me to think he would avoid me–it’s not like I was throwing myself at him, but that’s how it makes me feel now. I don’t know what to do, or even how to act toward him anymore. I was hoping to just go on as usual, and maybe it could go back to the way it was before, but now I don’t know if that’s possible. At least not right now. I would really appreciate any advice you could give me about how to act so I can make it better. If I can. You’re the only one that I’ve been able to find who seemed to me to be able to answer a question like this. Thanks for your help. Lisa Dear Lisa,

Thanks for the kind words. We don’t often get much feedback, believe it or not so I do rather enjoy hearing any encouraging words.

I would imagine that you cringe inside every time you see him now, if nothing else in or with a bit of regret, right? I think I might feel the exact same way, if that’s any comfort? You can’t turn back time, you can’t take back what was said or make the exchange between you non existent.

You seem the type of woman, firmly planted in reality and I can just feel that you are in the category of the few, the proud, the Bitch Belt wearing breed of woman. If you’ve not read about it, please take the time to read the link provided.

Anyway, point is; You say you’re not embarrassed and quite frankly I don’t think you should be either. So, you grab the bull by the horns and ride. You hold your head up high, walk in there, any room, any given situation with the thought process that the guy that you encountered should feel damn lucky and quite flattered that you’d find him interesting and datable.

Flip the script. Think about it. Most men, especially married men love validation. They love to know they are still desirable, I mean that’s just human nature, is it not? We all want acceptance in some form or another and you probably made his day with your approach.

It will only be uncomfortable if you allow it to be. People can feel the vibes, they feel and see from body language. Yes, it speaks volumes and if you feel uncomfortable because you think he might be uncomfortable, he’ll sense it. That’s what’s happening.

So, next time you see him, you’ve moved on, in your mind and it’s as if it never happened. But if you do happen upon it in your mind, make sure you hold your head up, you smile with the knowledge that you did a good deed; you made someone feel good about themselves. Yes, it was the act of a Good Samaritan!

One of my fav sayings is, “Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit.”

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:18 AM

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Body Language, Good Samaritan, Moving On in Your Mind, Relationship Issues

Door of Opportunity

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Door of Opportunity

Dear Aunt Babz,

Uhm…Hello, I found this site and..yeah, it seemed worth a shot. I’m not sure whether it’s advice or reassurance that I would really like. But anyway… This may sound really stupid… But I’m 15 and so is the guy I’m with.. and well.. I hope it works out, but I’m afraid it won’t because we each live in a different country. I’m willing to wait and stuff.. But I’m a bit scared of the whole thing. And he means so much to me. I’d go as far as to say I love him, but I’m afraid of the responses I’d get from saying that because I’m so young. Even if I find someone else attractive, it’s because they somehow remind me of him and I never like them more or find them more attractive or want to be with them. I’ve also liked/loved (I don’t know which is more appropriate) him for a very long time, longer than I can say I’ve ever felt attracted to anyone else…ever. I can’t imagine being with someone else. But that doesn’t change the fact that we live so far apart that it’s frightening to me. My sister told me if it’s supposed to work, then it’ll work….is that true? I don’t mean to sound so typical and silly. My apologies if I’m wasting your time… I’m sorry.

Dear Friend,

Well, your Sister is right, to one extent, “What will be, will be.” By the way, you are not wasting my time. Your concerns are as valid as any one Else’s. You also have a right to be concerned as your situation dictates.

It is extremely hard to make things work when you are both in a different country. Did I understand this, you are in two different country’s? But I do believe with all of my heart that things happen, all things happen for a reason. That reason will unfold itself to you one day. But for now, you have these feelings of love and far be it from me to negate your feelings. I would dare say that your feelings are very real, even at your young age.

Yes, love comes in every shape and size, intensity and lack thereof. It comes just as true as/to someone who’s 30 years old, 40 years old. What I am saying is that love is an emotion that evolves with age. It evolves, changes and either weakens or intensifies with time. With maturity even, comes an understanding a propensity, a craving for those feelings, that love of our youth. And as we mature, we understand love in a different way. Sometimes it’s complicated and yet it may become simplified. Who’s to say?

Time will tell if it is to be, for you and your guy. In the meantime, you must ask yourself a few questions? Since there are so many kinds of love, you must ask yourself if his kind of love is worth waiting for. You do have time on your side. But does he make you laugh? Does he treat you with all the respect of a best friend? Is he being faithful to you? Does he treat you as you treat him? If you answer yes to these simple questions, then till you learn otherwise, stick it out and wait.

Most of all, never allow anyone to tell you that what you feel is not love. They might tell you , “What do you know at your age?” Hmmmm? Well, you’ve known and felt, expressed and gauged love since the day you were born. I do believe that your feelings are really real. But one thing is for certain; Change.

Yes, you’ll change. He’ll change. The world around you will change. Your fav color today might be pink but tomorrow it may change to purple. Your idea of true love might change as you mature. What you need and require from love might change and it is all normal and through no fault of your own.

Love is kind and considerate, it is patient and willing to wait. I encourage you to leave the door of opportunity open for both of you. What that means is that now and forever, today and tomorrow, with this young man or the man you might marry, you allow them the chance to be honest. Yes, you leave that door open, the door of trust that they might always be afforded the chance to be honest and tell you exactly how they feel.

See, by letting them know that you will always be open to honesty, even in the rawest, truest form, they might tell you that things don’t feel quite right. They might tell you that their heart has changed and their fav color is no longer what it was. They might come to you first because you’ve always been open to it, that they matured and have grown apart from you.

That door of opportunity is more important than given credit. If your guy knows that he can always come to you and say what’s on his mind, well, he might one day tell you that things just aren’t as they were. He just might come to you before he fools around, before he breaks a heart.

Let’s hope that the inevitable change, that constant change, is an evolution, a growth in warmth. Yes, love is a constant, change is a constant. Your love must be in flux and you must never forget to work at it, never take it for granted and feel it, really feel it like there is no tomorrow.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz