Lipstick Notch

Dear Aunt B,

hi my name is Ashley. i have been with my husband for nine years. lately he has shown a great interest in pornography featuring black girls with big butts. he also dated women fitting that description while we were separated. i am the complete opposite of that. i am a white petite female. our sex life has diminished. he isnt showing much interest in me. i don’t know what to do or what to think. most guys go gaga over me i don’t understand why my husband does not anymore.

Dear Ashley,

Unfortunately, this is happening all across America. Due to the prevalence and easier access to Porn via the Internet, I personally believe that our men may be falling into the trap of “Desensitization.”

I really feel for you and realize just how important it is for us to be the object of our mans desires. It hurts deeply when we find out that we may not be all that in his eyes. But if every woman in America, especially the wives could actually read our husbands minds, well suffice it to say, we’d be scarred for life, appalled as well as grief stricken.

Men are hard wired differently than we are and are actually in a constant state of warfare as to putting off their desires, not acting upon them and keeping themselves in check. Even the greatest of men have fallen especially when they have some little floozy throwing her junk in his face on the daily. It happens at work, it happens at the bars, it happens when we, as well as they, least expect it.

There’s nothing funny about it but it’s hard not to laugh when you realize that if you ask the average man about his will to sustain, you know to not fool around on his wife or girlfriend, he’ll often feel that he deserves Kudos for his good behavior. I mean after all, he fights it off every day and in a funny sort of way, he does deserve a cookie.

Yes, these days our morals are going to hell in a hand basket and there are girls, not women out there that’d just love to bed Your man down. They see the wedding ring and observe it as a challenge. Just for shits-n-giggles they’ll want your husband as another Lipstick Notch on their bed post.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, for starters you must be aware of his needs, not in a subservient way but in an understanding of how he’s wired with a mutual willingness to please. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts you want to keep his attention as well as keep him shopping at “your store.”

You’ll want to jazz it up, for one thing. It’s like this; Marriage and when I speak of marriage I do firmly believe that if you are living together as well as sleeping together in the “Marriage Bed” you are simply lacking a piece of paper that validates it in the eyes of the Law. That simplified, the marriage bed is a partnership, a two to Tango situation and a thing to be cherished and more importantly worked at. It must be cultivated and nurtured if we want it to grow. It must be seen in all seriousness and never taken for granted, our first and foremost downfall.

Flip The Script

My suggestion to you is one where you need to step up to the plate and bat. You need to take charge and begin to fight for your man. This is not “I am woman hear me Roar” speech but I do want you to begin to be less a victim. Begin with a more blitzkrieg approach;

You must state your needs, asserting your likes and dislikes, what you will as well as will not stand for. For starters, you’ll have to put the shoe on the other foot…

He will look funny in your high heels, hahaha, but you’ll have to put things in terms he’ll understand. For one thing, you should ask him if he would be bothered if you were watching other men, porn to be exact? Give him the scenario that how would he feel if he came home, looked at the History on your computer and saw that you were watching men with huge cocks? Yea, I said it! Many men, even if they are well endowed are intimidated by other men and their package if it’s bigger than theirs. Ask him how he would feel if he saw that every few days you were watching this sort of thing and not just for a few minutes but for long periods of time. Would it not bother him? Would it not make him feel inadequate? Would he possibly wonder that there’s a chance that you were not satisfied with his manhood?

If he says that all that does not bother him, I’ll call him a damn liar!!! The point is that that exact scenario is how you feel when he looks at the sort of things he’s been looking at. You are not black nor do you have a big booty so how could you ever measure up to his specifications?

All this Porn watching does not mean that he does not love you. What it does mean though, carries the implication that he does, possibly take you for granted and is not doing his part in the cultivation of your marriage? At the same time as I stated before, you’ve got to work at tripping his trigger. This may be a stinging indictment for both of you?

My Advice would be to sit down and get it all out lest you explode with resentment. Furthermore, I also suggest that you engage him in the understanding, a meeting of the minds that his behavior is hurtful and makes you feel like shit, less than and not capable to measure up.

The Solution

It would be rather kind of him to agree to limit his “Porn Time” just for starters. You’ll never get anywhere if you demand it and he’ll just begin to get sneaky about it. Putting that shoe on his foot, as I stated may make him understand that it is extremely hurtful to you as well as desensitizing to him. He may not realize it but men who watch really XXX porn, you know the down and dirty stuff have a harder time getting aroused unless they are, themselves engaged in dirty dirty stuff.

So, he’d be doing himself and of course you a favor if he saved himself for you, watched less porn and masturbated less. Yes, normally the two go hand in hand, no pun intended!

Working on your marriage bed action has got to be Priority One. I also suggest that you invest in a vibrator and use it with him in your foreplay. If you need to know why I suggest this, I welcome you or anyone else to write me and I’ll be more than happy to communicate why I feel this is important.

Don’t be shy!!!You’d be surprised!!!

Email Babz

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Suggested Reading;

Sexual Healing

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Just Live

Dear Aunt Babz,

hey ms.b !
I used to date this guy for a while, and i started having little feelings with my best friend that resulted into nothing, but i believe that if yu even have remote feelings for someone else while in a relationship you shouldnt be with them. So as dumb as i am i broke things off with this guy. A few months later he started going out with another girl for a while and she just recently broke up with him to sleep with another guy. Throughout some of their relationship me and this guy would talk about what life would be like if we never broke up, but he thought that he should stay with his ex because they were going good and i broke up with him so he didnt want to be hurt again. Since him and his ex girlfriend broke up him and i have been talking and hanging out, although him and his ex are still talking? Does he still have feelings for his ex of is he for me again?
From: In love?

Dear In Love,

I’m not quite sure what your question is but I will try to cover or address what I see here, ok? First off, I can tell you are a young woman(one who is struggling in this journey from girl to woman) of principle and scruples. I like that in you. Somehow I feel you are going to be successful in this life and if we tweak, some of your already outstanding features, things will fall into place for you.

The answer is somewhat complex, yet at the same time simple. It basically comes down to an assertive thinking, a way to “Just Live.” What I mean by this is that too much time is spent not saying what needs to be said for several reasons. Those reasons range from fear of refutation, you know when someone blows you off and you feel stupid for ever saying something to making your feelings clear to someone you really care about. That could be the words you need to say to a guy you like or even a family member that, i.e. you haven’t told them how much you appreciate them, their love and how grateful you are that they are in your life.

What I am trying to tell you is that the art of “Just Living” involves a few variables, as I said, they are simple yet complex. The simple part involves, the very creed by which I live;

“Say what I mean, mean what I say and try my damnedest not to say it too mean.”

It comes down to learning to say what needs to be said. See, when you are young, you can not fathom or comprehend that you, along with others in your life will not live forever. Quite often we go through life assuming that everybody knows how we feel about things, how we feel about them, you know the people in our lives. For some reason, we tend to hold in our true inner most feelings, especially for the most important people that touch our lives every day. Do not put off telling someone just how you feel. If they are good feelings, you just might make their day, build up their self esteem, put a smile on their face and you never know but your words could save a life. This is coming so remember these words.

When it comes to saying what needs to be said, when it is an uncomfortable situation, the kind you tend to avoid, you must realize that quite often, especially if you are angry, you are the one who suffers, possibly stuffing your feelings deep inside yourself. This type of behavior affords and can cause actual medical illness, depression and so forth. So, what I am trying to say is it is not good to hold onto to feelings/emotions and words that need to be said.

“Just Living” in the complex aspect or side I was speaking of, entails a systems thinking, if you will, as to the outcome of the words you might use to define how you feel about any given situation or person. What I am trying to explain is that in any given situation or scenario, even your situation, there are a few ways to handle it. You wrote,

“Since him and his ex girlfriend broke up him and i have been talking and hanging out, although him and his ex are still talking? Does he still have feelings for his ex of is he for me again?“

Now, I am not a mind reader and I highly doubt you are either, right? So, how/what/where do we go from here to find out and ascertain, really, how this guy feels about you? The simple part is you just get right to the point and just ask him. The complex and important part, before you ask the question is the Just Living and System Thinking aspect of it all. I will try to break it down for you…

Think before you speak. Anticipate the possible answers to any given question. Like a good Attorney, in a court room setting, you know possibly questioning a dependent on the stand, you never ask a question that you don’t already know the answer to.

What I mean is, in reference to your situation, you need to think about the question first. Then, if you anticipate any possible answer, good or bad and you are able to prepare for that answer, even if it is a negative answer to your question, you’ve already prepared for the worst, rolled it around in your head and you steel yourself for the worst. No surprises, you are prepared. In the event that you get a positive answer, it’s a good thing. In the event you get let down or told that he doesn’t like you like that, you’ve already anticipated it and reasoned with it. How do you reason with it?

I always say that life as well as love is all a matter of perception. If you’ve been real with yourself, brutally honest when you look in the mirror, your life as well as your own perception of yourself is changed. Then, if and when someone says something nasty to you, possibly something hurtful, you are able to decipher what is true, what is not and what is just said to hurt you, maybe a hit below the belt.

The whole point is this, what you already know about yourself, what you’ve already acknowledged about yourself can not be used against you. Do you see what I’m saying? In other words, if somebody tries to throw something in your face, it can’t stick, it won’t hurt if you’ve already dealt with it, looked at it and either worked on to improve or accepted it about yourself.

I will tell you like it is, as I see it.(In The Zone)

“OK G-Friend, you already know you are not beautiful, don’t you? Sometimes you don’t even feel pretty, do you? But the fact is, when you look in the mirror, you see a girl with a beaming smile, who when she takes the time to do her hair up and stuff, on those days when you feel good about yourself, well, you are just radiant. No, you are not the prettiest girl on the block but you are far from ugly. You are not nasty fat. You are a good person and a loyal friend. You don’t stand out because you are shy but you are far from invisible. People confide in you because they know you care enough to give them real opinion. They come to you because they know you are mature and wise beyond your years, ‘an old soul.’ Of course, you tend to over analyze everything said to you, picking it apart. You are a deep thinker and you often feel alone. You might even feel alone in a room full of people. This is because you don’t let too many people in. You tend to worry way too much, worry about what will happen, long before it ever exists. You must work on this and ‘Just Live.’ Thus far, you are not happy in your own skin. This is the body God gave you. No, it’s not perfect but neither is anybody else’s. You must learn to accept yourself, concentrate more on your positive attributes and stop bringing attention to the negative. It just doesn’t matter. Like that pimple that comes every time your ‘Aunt Flow’ comes, you tend to draw attention to it when really no one else cares or notices. That zit/pimple represents what you tend to do…draw attention to the negative when your entire existence is founded on the positive. Take notice, remember these words…”

An example of what I’m trying to say would be this;

If anyone were to try to use the negative, any of the negative aspects that you yourself percieve against you, let’s say they call you “an ugly bitch” you know it’s not true, don’t you? So now the only emotion you should have is wondering how this person could possibly be arrogant enough to call you such things.

These are your real issues, masked in shyness. You ‘Just Live’ and ask the questions you need to ask. You anticipate that answer, good and bad and you will own the question, that situation and most certainly take the bite or sting out of any possible rejection. See, if he does reject you, you know where he says, “Nah, I don’t want to be out of my relationship with my ex,” you are already prepared.

Lastly, I see you with somebody else anyway…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

“Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls”

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!