Aunt B

Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell

In A New You, Advice, Xmichra Answers, Xmichra Said, Your Life on September 30, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Dear Aunt B,

Subject: Please tell me…….

the reason to go on in life. I’m a 49 yr old woman, who lives w/ my 88 yr old father. I lost my mother 4 yrs ago to cancer. Thought I found my soul mate (online), but soon learned he just wanted to use me. I work with Down’s Syndrome ladies Have been with them for 16 yrs. My title is dietary/caregiver. I’m best known as the person who brings food into the house (both at work and at home). When one of my co-workers asked a resident what she would remember me most for (if I passed on)…..answer…..groceries.

As far as home life, I’m a caregiver too. My father, well….it’s hard to explain……He has always been there for me. He has helped me out with some huge scrapes that I got myself into. I’ll be indebted to him for the rest of my life, and I think he knows this. It’s a strange relationship, not a close father and daughter one. It’s mostly….I’m just here to just listen and agree.

I have animals and love them dearly. I’ve always wanted to work with animals and have tried through out my life. However my brains only functioned for a very short while and didn’t allow me to continue. I remember my mother telling me it’s my fault that I didn’t get ahead. But, I think it was something else going on, something medical. I’m a complete and total failure !!!

I do miss my mom, we were like sisters. She died a brutal death from Ovarian cancer. I’ll never forget the torture she went through. Nor will I ever forgive myself for being a big disappointment to her.

I’m so sick and tired of life, All that goes through my mind is what I’ll be remember as. The grocery ladies, or the lady who knows where every caned item is located in the groc. store. The daughter who must always put food in front of my father in order to satisfy him. The daughter that should have spent more time in the kitchen rather then with my animals and learning about nature. Telling me my cooking skills will get better through time. Never will I be remembered as the person who dedicated her whole life to animal causes or a wonderful veterinarian who cared for all creatures. Oh, maybe as a past time, but that’s all…..the rest of the time is strictly to serve people and to satisfy their ungrateful needs.

Not only will I be remembered as the food lady, I’ll be remembered as the person who got involved with someone on the Internet and made a fool out of herself. Like I said, I Thought I found someone who loved me and loved animals. This person came into my life the same time my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I thought he was a gift from god to help me deal with this. He himself had suffered a stroke. This gift from god used me to support him. I should have known this all along. He also abused my little dog, so we left in a hurry and came back home to my dad.

Please……don’t think I’m ungrateful….that I don’t appreciate having a job or my father. I’m just tired of my life….I’m thinking that I have 40 or so more years to go, for what reason? I’ll be alone this next half, and my life will be the same, bitter, untrusting, miserable and full of regrets. What kind of existence is that? Oh God, please tell me why I should go on………Elly

Dear Elly,

I think at this stage in your life you’ve got a clear cut case of the “Wish Id’s.” {A Babzism} And it seems to me that it’s a rather serious case at that. But it is somewhat curable.

I recognize it, your situation, quite clearly as I’ve gone through it myself. And if the truth were known, I still do, more often than not. Yes, at 50, you have to know that I have asked myself the same tired questions that you are. In fact, I didn’t like my own answers, personally.

I do believe, at any age, people go through this or rather ask themselves the same questions. It just may be what spurs us on to bigger and better things. Now, you can not change the past, EVER but you sure as hell can change the future. And in the interim, you look back in retrospect, you hopefully learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward. Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell about it all…hopefully.

No, this is not going to be my version of the sidelines cheerleader squad (I was a Majorette anyway, not a cheerleader). But I would like to remind you to re-evaluate your goals, re-establish those goals starting out a bit more reasonably.

I’d prefer to see you stop kicking yourself in the ass for what you did not do, who you did not become, what you were not able to accomplish. It serves no one, least of all yourself.

This case of the “Wish Id’s,” is similar to anger, an anger based upon things for which you have no control over; your past. While I do value your exploration in this process you are going through, it serves no one, least of all you. It is destructive and allowed to continue unbridled, unchecked well G-Friend, you are on a course to implosion.

My suggestion is to understand first that life is all a matter of perception. In example, not one of my sins sons is “worldly successful.” I’ve said this before. But the one thing about my children that I am not only fond of but rather proud of is that they are all good human beings, good hearted, compassionate to a fault, just all around good guys. They are God fearing, have a great sense of humor, a wonderful sense of family and solid values and beliefs.

All grown, big and hairy men(and good looking to their Mama), they generally do not have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but what little they do have they have worked for, not stolen from to get or taken anything or anyone for granted.

And while we love our children, quite often we do not like them, now do we? At least this is a truism for those of us who are willing to admit it. So, can you appreciate the thought that I not only love my sons but like them and enjoy their company?

You may be asking yourself, at this juncture, “Well Aunt B, c’mon, really what in the Sam Hell does this have to do with me?” I think what I’m trying to convey to you is, for real, what is your definition of success?

As I mentioned before, you truly need to look at your values and belief systems and tweak the shit outa them. Wake up tomorrow morning with a fresh cup of coffee and a fresh outlook. Then, you march your ass into the bathroom, look yourself square in the eye and ask yourself, this pertinent question;

Am I a good person? (And every day, from that moment on, you look yourself in the eye, making absolutely sure you are looking into your own soul and not past it and ask that question).

“When it’s all said and done, I do personally believe that you will be remembered for the good you do even if it’s one person at a time.”

Just as a suggestion you could possibly start a blog (hey, it’s free)as an outlet, working towards a common goal. I have personal friends who do a lot of animal rescue, a much needed service and mentality. You could begin making a difference even if it’s just in your own backyard, you see?

The thing is, the important thought process here is for you to do what you can to make a difference, one person at a time. And to prove my point; I have been doing this “Ask Aunt B(WP)” gig since 2006. Since it’s inception, Xmichra and I have answered upwards of 400 letters/questions from every walk of life. Now, I’d like to think we’ve made a dent in and contributed to helping others. Again, one person at a time.

There is no greatness in what we do. That is proven by the fact that more often than not we don’t even get a reply from the person that’s sent us a question. And even though we’ve poured our hearts out at times, we may not get so much as a thank you, not even a “kiss my ass.”

However, there have been times, although they are few and far between where we get a letter from a reader telling us that we’ve most certainly helped them, they’ve gained a perspective that they were not able to see and/or that we made a difference in their life. And that right there, Ma’am, is the only reason I bother to do this. Yes, that tad bit of an attitude of gratitude that we might get, spurs us on.

Find that special something that you can do, one person at a time, maybe even, “One Kitty Cat or Doggie” at a time!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Elly,

You sound like you are worn out and need a break! Wearing yourself emotionally thin can cause a lot of depression and feelings of unfulfilment… but so can surrounding yourself with people who are unappreciative.

I understand that you feel bound to take care of your father. And I understand that you need to stay employed. But those two things shouldn’t be your whole life…. you have passions! And everyone needs a bit of personal down time, which I don’t think you are taking for yourself.

Thinking about how other people see you isn’t the goal. It’s how you see yourself. And you are doing yourself a great dsi-service by not recognising that you have made some very huge sacrifices in your own life to help others. People are just another form of animal Elly, and you are looking after them feeding them helping them in a time of need. Don’t sell yourself short, you are doing something that a lot of others wouldn’t do… you are giving your time and helping your father. You are a good person, and you deserve some acknowledgment for that.

As for the internet dating, we all make mistakes. You were in a vulnerable position and you were taken advantage of by an asshat. Internet or not, there are plenty of asshats out there and your situation, unfortunately, is a common one. These guys (and gals) can’t do anything for themselves and look for a “free ride”. They are lazy, manipulative liars who con their way into your life and savings account. And you saw through that in the end, but you can’t possibly think that you would see that right from the start. These people know what they are doing, and lie to get what they want. You are a genuinely good person and wouldn’t lie like that, so naturally you wouldn’t think someone would lie like that either. It is not naive, it is human. Don’t beat yourself up for this Elly, it is totally not your fault.

You said that you were close to your mother, and that can be really tough when a mother dies. I would suggest that you try finding a grieving support group to try and help you through this. There are several that deal with female cancers, so that would be the first place to try. But you really do need to talk about this, and begin to let go. You are beating yourself up for not measuring up to a standard, and that is unfair to you. You need to find some support and start to feel better, you really need to feel better Elly. It is essential.

Your last statement, why should you go on? Because Elly, you are so far from being done!! You have a whole life left to live, and you can change it to be whatever you want it to be! You are doing something unimaginably kind to support your father… do the same for yourself! Let your passions out, offer assistance in an animal shelter, take a night class for veterinary assistant, go to that support group and vent! You need release and to have something that is yours, and you are worth the effort, don’t you think?

If you need help finding a support group please let us know, and we will help find one in your area. The most important message I want you to finish reading from me is:

YOU ARE WORTH THE SAME EFFORT YOU SELFLESSLY GIVE TO OTHERS!!!

I hope you read that, and give yourself the shot at a life not realised. You have so much to do still, and so much to enjoy.

~Xmichra

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Love or Money???

In Advice, Affairs of the Heart, Xmichra, Xmichra Said on September 19, 2009 at 5:41 pm


Dear Aunt B,

Subject: Which Woman (love or money)

I’m a big blog fan of Xmichra and harbor a secret crush on her to spite the Aunt Bee Question. Ok, here we go:

I’m a 50 year old man from California, divorced three years ago. I have a good job and make good money, and at present I have two girlfriends.. Each knows about the other. Each is upset that I see the other and I need to make a decision. Can you help:

Woman 1: 40, very pretty, medical doctor, fun to be with and I love her because I simply do. The chemistry is phenomenal. She still has nearly half a million in med school debts outstanding and if we end up together, I’m going to end up assuming liability for some of that debt simply because I know I will. Yes she’s a doctor, no, she can’t save money.

Woman 2: 38, stunning, some college, fun, flirtatious, and she’s all over me like a cheap suit. Hinted at marriage, openly said no pre-nup, and she’s personally worth over $50 million (family money). I don’t have the emotional connection I have with Woman 1, but she seems to be hung up on me. It would be very easy to be married to her, but she’s not my best friend.

What do you think?

Love or Money?


Dear Love or Money,

Geez, you made me blush! Thank you🙂

Now to get to your question. For love or money… it’s a tough call when you have a good chemistry, but it’s pretty apparent that you feel love for woman#1 and not for #2. So, to me, the rational choice is woman #1.

As for the “I’m going to end up assuming liability for some of that debt simply because I know I will” portion, well only you can control that. The woman is forty, and well understands a thing or two about life so I imagine if you had discussed this before getting completely serious (marriage, common law etc) that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to establish that her debt is in fact her own to clear. If you are the sort that simply cannot deal or function with dual bank accounts and separate payment responsibilities then that is more about the person *you* are than a “down side” to being with her. Don’t take that too offensively, as I am “that sort’ as well. I can’t watch my partner not go out for a meal because he can’t afford it, but I can. I believe in sharing responsibilities and sharing accounts and debts regardless of who’s is what, and then making mutual agreements on a budget and payouts. But that is *my* outlook, and not necessarily the popular one.

Anyway, to make this a little clearer, money is great fun and makes life seem a lot easier, but the company of someone you love is priceless. Sounds cheesy, but it is true. You probably know this already, having been divorced, that being in love with someone is more important than financial accommodation or comfort. And having said that, would you really want to be in a marriage or relationship that wasn`t 100%, after being in one like that already… my guess is no.

I think you know the answer. Now it`s just time to get the courage to put it to action.

Good Luck,

X-Xmichra

 

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

“Self-Will Run Riot”

In Advice, Affairs of the Heart, Xmichra Answers on September 6, 2009 at 10:14 pm


Dear Aunt B,

My Name is Beth and I am 24 years old from Colorado..A few months ago or more like since January I met this guy through some friends of mine and I had a little crush on him for a while but ended up getting over him.. or so I thought. anyway, I started to pray for him ( we both are christian and go to the same church and what not and have the same group of friends). for a while and still now I have been praying that we continue to be good friends and that we would talk and everything.. well God sure seemed to answer those prayers. I only prayed for him every night when I went to bed like I did for all of my other friends and thanking God for putting them into my life and everything. well..the last few weeks I started noticing how I started to pray for him much more during the day than i did my other friends. It is getting to the point to where I almost go through a whole day just praying for him and I feel like God has put him on my heart for some reason even though the chances of us being in a relationship is very unlikely. I don’t even know why or where even it started (the constant praying for him part came from). I have been trying to force myself to get my mind off of him and it is not happening.. for a long time it seemed to work. I have never had this problem before with getting over crushes (even ones that I saw all the time).Then Last night I had this dream out of nowhere that he and I were slowdancing in a school gym with a few other people and I dreamed that he was the one for me and everything. I don’t know if you can help me with advice or if you know much of how to help me in my situation and such.. I have been trying really hard to get over him and none of this has ever happened to another guy I know ever before and I totally thought I was over him and such. I am asuming that I am just over reacting to this and am over analyzing…but I don’t know.. what are your thoughts?
Thanks,
Beth
Dear Beth,

Well my friend, a couple things come to mind as points to ponder;

#1 Are are thinking about him because you’ve stepped up your prayers for him, thus the dreams. And vice-versa?

#2 Are you forcing your wants and desires, in the form of prayer?

#3 While I hear you say that you are praying, are you allowing time for God to speak to you, in and within this dialogue?

First, I wanted to commend you in your devotions. Too often, I do believe people fall into the rhetoric of ritualistic behaviors. What I mean is that they view prayer as something you do at a certain time, every day or right before bed, etc.

In truth, just as you might stay on the line with your bestest of bestest friend, <—(a Babzism)sharing in all things, good, bad and grateful, this is how it should be with our Lord. Stay on the line, after all, there’s no long distance fee!!!

I do believe things changed for me when I realized that to stay in constant dialogue with God was quite beneficial to/for me. As well, when I began to see even the smallest things to rejoice in and be grateful for, I am and was comforted.

But even for me, I find myself wanting to run the show. Good ol’ “self-will run riot.” And all my life, I’ve wanted to drive the car even though I kept wrecking it. I have to learn to allow the Lord to do the driving as well as “Letting Go & Letting God,” in so many aspects of my life.

So, I only speak from experience when I say these things. I also was praying, blurting out things and never taking the time to shush up and listen. I am still convicted of this but that does not mean I won’t pass on the tidbit to you hoping you’ll conquer in this quest, this journey.

My advice to you would be to continue in your prayer but may I suggest that you speak to our Lord asking him for His will to be done, in all things. Change up things a bit and ask our heavenly Father for divine guidance, wisdom and for your wants and desires to be conducive and in line with His will.

Yes, I’d say that concentrating on this way of thinking will become your answer.

“I will also agree with you, in prayer, this very minute, that all things will be done for the good of and by the grace of our wonderful God. You must seek His face. Yes, seek His face. We’ll pray for divine intervention on your behalf. If this fella is the one for you, he will be ordained by God Himself. If he is not your Mr. Right, God will heal your heart by steering you in the right direction. Remember; our Father, when He closes one door, He always opens another. May He bless you, shine upon you with His heavenly Light and show you the way. I also ask that Christ/Yeshua might set about finding you a mate that is hand picked. And may He illuminate your future husband. Whether it be this fellow or not, we can agree, in prayer, that our Lord’s will be done and that you and your mate will be to the glory of The Father!”

Listen and be still. Listen for that small still voice to guide your way…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B


Dear Reader,

God is not putting this bloke into your head, you are. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now all you need is a little gumption.

Why? Because you need to ask this guy out. Seriously.

You have a huge crush on this guy, and you are friends, you hang out already, so what’s the big set back? I’m pretty sure you can ask him out on a date, and think you really should.

This is an out and out case of a big crush, and wanting to see if it can lead to more. Maybe he is shy, or maybe he doesn’t know how you feel, but he is not asking you out so far, so why not just ask him? The only way you are ever going to figure out if he is meant for you, is by getting to know him on a different level, and I’m sorry honey but praying for him ain’t gonna make that happen. YOU can make things happen, by action.

Be brave! Take a chance! ASK HIM OUT!

Good Luck 🙂

~Xmichra

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