Fighting Fire with Fire; SPIN

You may just call me crazy by the end of this post…

Dear Aunt Babs,

I have lived in a new subdivision for about 6 years with my husband and three young children. After the first year a 20’s something women moved in next door with her husband and child. On our first introduction she wanted to know every detail of my home (example: square footage of rooms, window count, blah, blah). She made me feel very uneasy so I kept my distance from her, but I would still stay polite and engage in greetings and very small talk.

As we would make improvements to our home like landscaping, painting or basically anything visible. She would always inquire what was going on. I would always say something like oh my husband just likes to stay busy and he’s just puttsing around. She would then go to my husband and ask him. I would tell him not to say too much to her because I had a bad feeling about her. But I guess his forty year old dumb ass just loved the attention she gave him. Soon after he would tell her what his plan was for our house, we would get letters from our assoctiation, town hall, and later the police.

She was psycho. But he didnt believe me. He told me I was jealous of her and that she likes him and not me.

Well as time went on it all escalated this is what she did to us:

She poisoned our vegetable garden every year (until she moved)
Screamed at my then 3 year old –It gave him nighmares for years to follow.
Repeatedly called and made false police reports against me.
Her and her friends made jokes about me being fat and old in front of my daughter.(She actually thought I was in my 30’s and I’m only about 20 lbs overweight,she copied my hair, clothes,car.)
She would complain to my husband about how horrible I was when he was at work he just listened, never defended me -I overheard it happening once.
She would call town hall, the association for countless issues, and the police just to screw with us.
Throw dog and cat crap in my yard.
Put nails in our driveway (her husband was a carpenter.)
Got other neighbors that were even worse than her to screw with us while she lived there and after she moved away.

Well one day, when I was collecting baby stuff to donate. I was checking a baby monitor to see if it still was good.–Guess who’s house had one?The B—-dog’s, (that is my pet name for her). Wow a gift from God. I soon found out what true evil was. Yes –I did listen. She was obsessed with us. I heard her planning to poison our garden (I taped it), heard her calling police, town and association on us; Telling everyone how much she hated me and that I am making her life miserable.

I never did anything to her. But when I heard her plans she was making to mess with us with her other evil friend and neighbor, I was able to counter them each and every time. It was sooo bad. I just hated the bad feeling of listening but I did protect my family and property. And I felt it was just such a time waster too, listening to her. I heard her beating up her husband, kids and just being very viscious and nasty to service workers, customer service people. B-dog feels she is entitled to everything.

My big opener was when she was bragging to her friend on how she is going to sue me for harrassment and sue my husband for messing up her yard from his landscaping work. She said she was building a case against us. About the landscaping, she tried so hard to get her husband to copy everything we did–I first though of it as “keeping up with the Jones” –but her husband messed up everything on his own under her direction.

That is when we got security cameras and put them on our garden and yard area. We prevented alot of damage to our property. We almost got her on camera poisoning our garden -But her friend noticed the cameras the day of the poisoning and she called the pd and tried to make us remove them. I told the pd the story they did nothing and I also mentioned the audio, the cop said he did not want to hear about it.

Well after a while the Bdog moved and her scumbag friends that live behind us picked where she left off and well it only got worse. But that is another story in itself.

Well a couple of weeks ago, my other next door neighbor had a party for his daughter. Guess who was there?The B-dog. The neighbor is about 44yrs old, newly divorced, he has a good job, 18 yr daughter, 24 yrs old- drug/addict/on parole son, beautiful house and plenty of cash.She is his new Girlfriend. OMG. She is on the other side of me now. He was my best neighbor.He knew that she was awful to us and wost of all she is married with two sons about 3 and 5ish.

Well, when I first saw her my chest got tight and I was surprised, but I remained cool and just kept laughing. I did not interupt the party But we did leave early.

My husband wants to “bust” her and tell her husband what a slut she is and provide him with pictures that he has taken. I would like to do the same but… I have second thoughts. I think the husband would just tell her the info and she would retaliate My nieghbor guy would hate us. She might get kicked out and move in with him sooner that planned. I think she is screwing this guy for extra money and nice things. I also believe that her husband is not cutting it and not working enough to pay bills and mortgage. I think she is looking to upgrade husbands so she can maintain her status.

My question is should we get our revenge on her as mentioned? Or should we just sit back and watch her move in next door. We cannot afford to sell our house to move at this time due to the economy and my husband just got back to work two months ago.

Or if you have any other suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I just want the b-dog and the anxiety to go away. I hate the feeling of her threatening my kids and me. I do not want to be her victim. But everytime I was passive with her, She always always turned it up a notch. I am 47 yrs old and I’m afraid she will get physical with me .-I have seen her wrestle other women before. Like her girlfriend that lives behind, us they always wrestle and makeout.I guess thats what they do nowadays.

Thank You for your time.
The BlondeMom

If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang.

~Charley Reese

Dearest BlondeMom,

Wow, you’ve got your hands full. What a stinkin’ wanna be Bitch, huh? I really really can’t stand a no count girl like that. She’s not a woman so I don’t even give her that. One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?

It’s obvious that the police don’t seem to want to be bothered with what they might term as “Domestic Squabbling.” Or Or Or she’s blowing the Force and feeding them creme filled donuts made personally by hers truly. {Note to self; Be nice}

Well BlondeMom, I’m old school. I’m Fighting Irish and have been fighting the good fight all my life…well short of those bad girl years I had(but we won’t dwell on that, eh?). Suffice it to say, she’s a bully, loud and clear. And the thing they’ve proven about bullies is that they almost always have self-esteem issues thus they use fear to garner respect.

Fighting Fire with Fire

Sometimes ya just gotta get Medieval on their asses and show them how to play the game. Now, Buck the F**k up. This ain’t no Pep Talk but simply how you need to begin to see things. Hopefully, your eyes will become wide open. Yes, I want you to begin to see her for what she really is;

“A No Count Piece of Shit Wanna Be Woman”
(But she’s really just a lil’ girl in big clothes)

Sure she’s a tough one but DO NOT be afraid of her in any way, shape or form. This is what she wants and…she can smell the fear. Let me repeat myself and I quote,

“One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?”

I say this with all the certainty in my being. She wants what you have and knows she’ll never have it. So, she plays her dirty little games doing her damnedest to best you. You’ll have to have a strategy to show her really how the game is played. It does not entail being vindictive or getting even. Nope, it’s called;
“Being & Becoming a Righteous Woman,” which by the way, she’ll never be and can not copy.

You will rise above this, all of it. You will no longer be a victim nor will you be passive. You should take comfort and gain strength just knowing that you have what she wishes she could. But we need not concentrate on this. What you need to do is begin to play the Game…

I would start by spinning a web, spreading a little gossip to someone you know it’ll find it’s way back to her. I’m quite sure she has a double agent, you know someone who pretends to be your friend yet goes back and tells her everything.

Spin: I would tell this person that you have a friend of the family, a not so nice guy that has seen all the evidence and is working on this. Now, make sure you ask this person not to tell anybody. (Of course, they’ll run right back and spill their guts, hopefully).

Spin: You tell them that this not so nice friend of the family is a Private Detective and he’s working on the case. You say he’s compiling pictures, etc. to use against her. You make sure you mention that he has friends in “High Places” and he plays on both sides of the Law. You give them a few tidbits, morsels to mull over, i.e., that this guy once planted drugs on a guy that had caused a bunch of trouble.

Spin: Then tell them that the guy and his wife went to jail for it. Giggle and say that the Private Dicks client was more than pleased as the pair went away for a few years.

Spin: Then you mention on the D.L. (down low, just in case, lol)that this P.I. is cooking up something real good to handle this all and won’t even tell you what it is that way you are not nor will you ever be implicated.

This may make her a bit paranoid enough to leave you alone and to mind her own P’s & Q’s…

Now, in the event that all this is not possible (I believe it’ll work if you set it into action and think about it carefully) I want you to begin a program of assertive posturing. I no longer want you to be a victim in this. I no longer want you to be passive either. You’ll put on your “Bitch Belt™” and rise above.

See, I’m a firm believer in a few things, namely body language, innuendo and how one carries themselves. Now, I’m not talking about acting superior or egotistical but you are so far above her it is almost debilitating to her. This is why she targets you. It’s actually become an obsession for her.

From this point on, I’d like you to be aware of your posture. If you happen to see her, do not look into the face of fear but put that fear in it’s place. I mean, for real, she has no power over you unless you let her. Take it back!!!

No, you’ll face this fear, if you happen to run across her and you’ll not look away. In fact, you’ll look her straight in the face, with a twinkle in your eye as if you have some dirty little secret and you are holding in the laughter. It’s excruciatingly funny and it’s all you can do to contain it.

She’s nothing but a redneck bully, a covetous whore. See her for what she really is and no longer allow her to intimidate you in any way.

My Advice would be to first pray for wisdom, strength and guidance. This should always be your first and foremost direction. And if the afore mentioned SPIN does not work, write me again and I’ll tell you all about our Plan B…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

P.S. May my good friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ be with you!!

“When you’re a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you. Jealousy is the result of one’s lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance. The Lesson: If you can’t accept yourself, then certainly no one else will.”

Sasha Azevedo quotes (American Actress, Athlete and Model)

Romans 12:19
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Let Mz. Karma Bitchslap Do Her Job

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Let Mz.Karma Bitchslap Do Her Job

Dear Aunt Babz,

Mz Babs I’m pissed beyond reasonable thinking. I gave my virginity to an a**hole and when i found out he was an a**hole, I dropped him. that was in may 2007. i haven’t been with anyone since and 8 months later, i find out that f***er gave me chlamydia. im sorry for cursing but I’m trying to shoot him now. I’m on a gun hunt and everything. but I dont wanna get my hands dirty for him no matter how much I feel he deserves to be shot. I dont know what to do all i know is, I seek justice.
Dear Friend,

Good Grief!!! I’d be pissed too. But let me assure you,
Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ will take care of business. You just concern yourself with getting better.

I do so understand your anger but I must let you in on a little secret; Your anger is yours and only you will suffer for it.

When it comes down to it, we’d all like a little Justice, Wild Wild West style, now wouldn’t we? If anybody knows about this, I do and I’ve paid for it every since.

“I know you’re angry, rightfully so but I sure as hell don’t want you to go down the path, I had to go down. I am who I am because of it, good and bad.”

Yes, I shot my, then boyfriend. He’d beaten me so badly I was beyond recognizable. It wasn’t the first time either but I assure it was the last. He was jailed, after The Last Beating and then two weeks later, released. He showed up at my door.

To make a long story short, (which I can never do…)he had a friend living with us and he became resentful that he’d been jailed while his buddy stayed at my apartment. This friend of his was paying to stay there and as a single Mom, I needed that money, so why would I throw this guy out for no good reason?

But it had been painfully brainwashed/instilled in me, that whenever my boyfriend/husband was told to leave, get out, he would beat the snot out of me. So, when he showed up at my door, after his release, I was not, could not tell him to get out.

Friday night came, he was drinking, as usual and he was a nasty drunk. He picked a fight with Jerry, his buddy, who lived with us. He told him to get out and Jerry told him he was not leaving unless I told him to. “After all, isn’t it B’s apartment and doesn’t she pay the bills.” Oh shit, Jerry just slapped my ex’s manhood. He’d have to do something now, huh?

My ex(boyfriend/husband) came into the bedroom, where I was and grabbed the .22 Rifle, fully loaded with 18 rounds. I begged him not to go out there with the gun. I was sitting on a bean bag on the floor, putting my socks on when he threw the gun at me and it hit me across the shins. Scope and all, it was heavy enough to be painful and I saw red.

I went out with the gun, safety on and told him to get out. He looked at me and said, “Whatcha gonna do, you Dirty Bitch, shoot me, huh?” He began to slowly walk towards me. He backed me down the hall. He knew I was a trained Marksman. “Click,” and now the safety was off. I was at the end of the hall and when I had no where else to go, he tried to grab the gun. I had it locked into my shoulder and a shot went off, missing him. When he’d grabbed the gun, at the end of the barrel, he’d hit the spring loading arm/mechanism and all the bullets came flying out…except one which was chambered.

I turned the gun on him and shot him point blank in the stomach. He fell hard, backwards, onto the floor. I remember thinking that he might get up and I grabbed a bullet off the floor and loaded it, holding the gun on him, growling that he’d better not get up(This is what witnesses told the police). As I calmly gave instructions for the other people in the apartment to go call 911, he lay dying, right there in front of me. And as they took him out of the door, he held a bloody hand up and told me, “but I love you.” There was blood everywhere. Jerry helped me clean it up later the next day.

They were 4 minutes from a Trauma Center, right there in Fairfax, Virginia. This is the only reason he lived. He was in ICU for 4 days, cut from sternum to groin, it nicked his liver and his kidney and came out of his back, so close to his spine that his right leg was paralyzed for some time after.

That day, was my best, some would say and the absolute worst day of my life. Yes, he’d beat me over and over and it was a constant just waiting for it. But could I have lived with the fact that I’d killed him? I don’t think so. It’s been hard enough living with the memory of it and him with his bloody hand telling me that he loved me.

I almost went to jail for it, as well. The only reason I didn’t was the fact that I’d filed warrants against him before. In addition to that, the Officer who’d responded the last time and who’d physically taken me to the Hospital, also responded the night I shot my ex. He rallied in my defense, that it was self defense. My ex also thought, because it’d happened so quickly, that the first shot is what got him and it was a result of him grabbing the gun. He gave his statement to that effect that it had been an accident. But it wasn’t an accident and he’d not known it for years to come.

It’s a lot to live with, my friend. Think before you do and let Mz.Karma do her job.
Please???

Then…Listen to this, it explains why I shot him;

Extremely Graphic

The Last Beating Transcription

April 28, 2007 01:30PM

A teaser from my upcoming book.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S., Let this be a lesson to those that might read this, yes, those of you that have unprotected sex. These days, people will look healthy but can be a time bomb. Never assume, someone is disease free. Always use a condom, Always!!!

Chlamydia Signs & Symptoms

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:42 AM

Labels: Chlamydia, Chlamydia Signs and Symptoms, Mz.Karma Bitchslap, Revenge, Shooting, Unprotected Sex

1 comments:

Did You Let Go Of The Reigns???

Friday, October 19, 2007

Did You Let Go of the Reigns???

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,
My problem is that there is this girl who i hate soooo much and she won’t leave me alone,, i cant stand her at all, i mean i hate this girl 2 death, it’s like when ever i c a message from her on friendster or myspace i feel like punching the wall, she ruins my day, and i am not a bad guy, i just want her 2 leave me alone, i have a myspace and friendster account, but she still sends me requests and jokes around even though i hate her with a passion,, i have never felt like this about anyone in my life , i wrote 2 myspace and friendster and they said just delete and block the profiles, but i do this everyday, i delete and she creates more and more, oh my goodness i hate her sooo much ,, i know this is soooo repetitive but like i said i feel like cursing in this email and i am sooo angry because i hate the *itch soooooo much … i dont know what to do,, even if i create another profile some how she always finds me,, u have no idea how hard this is 4 me 2 talk about her without cursing at the *itch,,,, *itch *itch,, i dont go anywhere online 4 example play games like i used 2 or chat because i know she is there all the time, soooooo madddddddddddddddddd,, i hate the *itch,, whats your adivce,, ?

thanks von-el

Dear Von-El,

Somehow, I know where you’re coming from. She grates your nerves, for whatever reason and it’s just making you crazy, right? She tried to contact you and it makes you nuts, you could spit nails, huh?

You will always meet and come across people, who will get under your skin. Let this be a good example of how to deal with this scenario or any others that just might roll down the pike…

This may or may not apply to you but let me point something out; The primary emotion, we allow ourselves, more so than any other is; Anger. I’ve meet people, as I’m sure you have, as well, that are just grouchy, nasty, mean spirited angry people. They’re every where, in nooks and crannies and we’re surrounded by them. Often times, those people will not experience joy, they barely laugh, if at all and they normally do not allow themselves to feel, much less cry. There only real/raw emotion; ANGER.

I happen to have been one of these “Angry” people. In many ways, my hate and anger was all consuming. It is one of the primary accelerators, when I was in the throes of my addiction. Anger kills…

You should take a long, hard look, at what it is, that places you, in that Anger Zone. Is it really her or is it you? I can answer that for you, though. It is you, you must own it and look at it. She may be the most annoying person, in the world but what is it that sets you off? I mean, I can clearly see, from your letter, that this girl gets deep down, under your skin. So, is it her, her persona or whatever? It really does not matter what it is, I simply want you to see if there’s a trigger point there or possibly what it is that spurs you on?

As I stated before, you will come across many, who will make you mad, your cause for mayhem. You will come across more that will set you off, in varying degrees. Every day, you will have cause for celebration or disdain and it is your choice, which you will embrace. All mushy stuff aside, you must learn to look for that cause for celebration, long before you look for the or act upon the disdain.

Yes, anger kills, as I’ve said. It is all consuming, spurs on road rage, hate crimes and the list is endless. On a personal level though, the person, who suffers the most for your anger, is you and you alone. Sure, it may seem gratifying to tell that guy to stick it where the sun don’t shine but it’s you that’s left in the dark clouds.

You must begin to see, that in every situation or instance, every day, you have choices as to how you will react. You must begin to see that you are the one who suffers, the most, when you are angry. But most of all and I must let you in on a little secret; When you become angry at someone else, you have actually given the reigns of power, over to that person, whom you are angry with. Whatever it is, they’re doing, that sets you off, you have given them a certain power over you. Did you realize this? I’d bet my butt, you didn’t cause I just know you’re the kinda guy, who likes to be in control, of yourself and your life.

Taking Back Control

It’s our little secret but I’d sure like to see you take back those reigns, you didn’t even know, you’d handed off. So, what can you do?

Well, my friend, you can begin to realize that every day, in every way, you’ll have choices, as to what will or will not set you off. You must begin to make a conscience effort to stay in control of you. Yes, you can be such a beast but normally, you’re on top of the program. You like things in order, all your ducks in a row and you hate surprises or change. Knowing this, just how you’re set in your ways, you’ll need to begin to incorporate the change, in your awareness, a little at a time. You’ll need to examine your subconscience triggers, what it is that takes you to that Anger Zone.

In all due reality, you could become angry with everybody and anybody, if you allowed yourself. You have little patience for the dumb shit, this I know. But you need to realize that not everybody’s on the same page as you and you need to give a little leeway, have a tad more compassion and begin to realize this very important premise;

Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit

Now, stop looking at this girl, as the foundation for your anger and start looking within yourself. Somehow, I just know, the thought, that you might possibly have allowed someone else, to take your power, will be like a punch in the kisser. But I won’t tell, if you don’t. Take back those reigns!

Keeping It real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:07 AM    

Labels: Anger Managmement, Animosity and Anger, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices

You Deserve Better

Saturday, September 22, 2007

You Deserve Better

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…
Dear Aunt Babz,
I am 30, and have had a series of severe, long lasting crushes on men who have not reciprocated. Apart from that, I had a 3 month long relationship which ended in tears (we are still friends though), and a few flings that left me feeling worthless and dirty.

The last crush I had lasted 3 years, and after months of finding lots of ways to be near him, I told him my feelings via SMS. He politely said he was not interested in a relationship, he was only after physical affairs, that he was selfish in relationships, that he waited for women to “fall into his lap” and then he decided what to do with them.

Since then I have tried to be cool and adult about it, but I have ended up feeling worse. Although he is always polite (yet distant), I feel that I am so ugly and fat, he couldn’t even f*** me with a paper bag over my head. He’s said many times, he’s popular with the women, one even bought him a new car recently, that he’s got several on the go right now, and has had many girlfriends in his life. And I don’t even rate as a one nighter. Not even as a friend.

Recently I SMSed him saying I won’t speak to or see him for a while, maybe a few years, because I haven’t got over him yet. He eventually replied that was ok, we’ll talk later. I am still upset over this.

I’ve been reading books on how to get a partner, the strategy seems to be, be young, beautiful and thin, look like you’re having fun, NEVER approach a man, and let him make all the moves. But I’m not good at playing this game, and am despairing that I’ll never find a man, until I have lost 50lbs.

What to do?

Kathleen
Dear Kathleen,

First and foremost, I think you’ve been way too hard on yourself. In addition, I have to question your values and belief systems.

You must do what you can to make yourself feel better, as far as your appearance but it is shallow on anybody’s part to think they are not desirable because of their weight, the level of attractiveness and so on. Now, I am more than aware that this world revolves around good looks and more often than not, we have a messed up standard concerning how women should be; a rail like waif. I do not believe this is a good perception and if I had my way, women around the world would say, “Enoughs enough,” concerning this merit less perception.

Do what you can, to make a reasonable attempt, concerning your weight but the fact that you may be over weight, should never stand in the way of you, as a person. No, you must look in the mirror and see yourself, your soul, as who you really are. If you feel the need to lose weight, then you work on it, you try to limit your eating, maybe get out and walk, only to make yourself feel better. But it must be so you will feel better, not to please anyone else.

This is an extremely touchy subject for me. I feel too much emphasis is placed on appearances and an unrealistic hardship, placed on women to appear a certain way. We ruin our feet, to look a certain way, in high heels and it can be freezing cold and icy out and what are we wearing? A short skirt, high heels and so on. It’s ridiculous and we need to stop it.

I do feel if you begin a reasonable weight lose program, you may feel better, in the aspect of your health but I will say it again; anybody that judges you on your weight is shallow. They are not anyone you need to be with in the first place.

I’m sorry but this guy, you’ve mentioned sounds like one of those shallow people, I just mentioned and for the love of me, I don’t know why you’d want to torture yourself for his unrequited love? You deserve so much better. Say it with me, “You Deserve Better.”

They have a saying, it’s kinda Redneck and I hope you don’t take it wrong but they say, “There’s a dog for every dog.” Meaning there’s someone out there, that will love even a dog, every dog, any dog. What it means is that even if you were a dog, which you are not, there’s someone out there that will love you for you. Real people don’t see fat or a handicap or unattractiveness. True love is blind, deaf, dumb, crippled and crazy. Do you understand? I am not calling you a dog, I am simply pointing out, that the popular, beautiful people are a minority and if they weren’t, everybody’d be considered beautiful, right? I mean there’d be no line drawn, we’d all be considered beautiful and then there’d be no definition or exception for who’s beautiful, who’d not and every level in between. So, the odds are that there’s more real people and your mate is out there.

How you carry yourself, is how you are perceived. How and what, you feel about yourself, just like body language, can be read and is more self-evident that you may realize. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly. If you are realistic and see yourself, as you really are and look at your best qualities and allow them to shine, then that is exactly what people will see.

I have said this, more often than not, but you must use, at your disposal, every tool possible, to begin to empower yourself. It is an exercise in reality, to look in the mirror and assess yourself. One should do this daily. But in all due reality, you must also realize that people, all people have flaws. You have flaws, I have flaws, even the most beautiful people, have flaws. Because of their persona, we choose, for the most part, not to see them. I think the tabloids make such good money because we want to humanize those beautiful people. We choose to look at their flaws because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It is a contradiction, at best. We emulate and want to be just like them, yet we point the finger and say, “Ah ha, look at you Miss Wanna Be Perfect, you’re not so perfect after all.”

Now, you can choose to look at your own flaws and pick at them, or you can choose to see that person, who you truly are, who you truly can be. I can feel that you are actually, a powerful women trapped in a body, you don’t care for. Improve on what you can, begin to hold your head up and carry yourself, as that powerful woman. Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, begin to know that you are the few, the proud, the “Real Women.” Once you do this, you will begin to see the difference.

I have about 30 posts(on my sidebar) on Empowerment and Empowerment exercises. I’d love to see you read, even a few and garner some strength, take what applies and run with it.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 3:04 PM    

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices, Real Women

Two To Tango

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Takes Two To Tango

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have a friend…

Who’s pregnant and going thru a lot of problems financially and emotionally. She’s pregnant from her ex husband who she was in the process of divorcing.
She says she still loves him, but really not sure if she’s with him because she loves him or because there is a baby involved.

I feel bad for her. I want to help her with some good advice. I saw her crying today because she says her ex nickel and dimes and it couldn’t be at a worse time. She’s struggling financially and has to answer to him and he never bothers to ask how she’s doing financially.

What should I tell her????

Dear Sonia,

The best thing that you can do for your friend is to just be supportive. Right now she has a lot on her plate with being pregnant and trying to make a relationship work. Never mind the added stress of financing.

Right now, if you were to try and talk her out of being with this guy, I think that you would be the one kicked to the curb, not him. She is likely trying to do what she feels is best for her family, even if she doesn’t think it will work out… she has to try. And this is her lesson to learn unfortunately.

All you can do is ask about her health, keep reassuring her that she is doing the best that she can, and hope that she ends up well (either in this relationship or out of it).

Ultimately she is the one who has to decide what she is going to do… and if you interfere you might end up on her bad side. However, don’t be too afraid to ask normal friend questions either (like how they are doing, if she feels it’s working out, etc) because these conversations will help her speak her mind… and possibly to change it too.

All of us make mistakes, and sometimes things work out for the best. So just keep supporting your friend, and let her know how amazing you think she is.

 

Aunt Babz Said…

 

I agree with Xmichra, you must be careful, as she’s got mixed emotions and you don’t really want to be more than supportive. What I mean is if you hand her, your opinion, she may throw it at you. I’m not saying that this is what she will do, but it is possible. If the subject is brought up, I would tell her she needs to be more assertive and state her needs. It’s within her right to ask him for help, as he is the Father. Of course, the law states otherwise, until they can conduct DNA testing, then he most certainly will be held accountable. But morally, he knows she needs help, he knows the child is his. She must make a stand and state her needs. It takes two to Tango and last I knew, it took a man and a woman, in sexual union, to impregnate a woman. She needs to take away that sense of guilt she’s wearing and realize, that he was there for the making part of this baby and he needs to be there for the financial part. Throw away the guilt and you have the cold hard facts, as I said before; It takes two to Tango.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 12:37 PM    

Labels: Being Assertive, Financial Responsibility, Pregnancy, Relationships and Pregnancy

0 comments:

License To Disrespect

Saturday, September 1, 2007

License to Disrespect

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

 

My name is Sarah, My sister is a year and a few month older than me. Growing up we have been close and distant due to so many family problems. Either my sister left home, or went to university, and when she returned I was at university etc etc, so we have not spent our entire lives at each others sides. However due to the so many problems it has created a level of trust and a bond between us.

 

My sister is 23 and I am 21. She has serious anger issues and is known for her moody ways, if something doesnt go her way she will wail and scream, but she is fair at heart. She has just got married, and it hurt me to let go of her, thinking that maybe this is the start of another beginning for us.

 

My sister always thinks she knows best, always shouts at me, and the guy she married takes her side and its as if they both gang up on me. When its nothing to do with him. She recently called me a bad sister, saying that i have never been there for her, and the only time she hears from me is when i have problems………………………being so untrue i was so hurt i didnt bother responding.

 

I have given her countless amounts of money, and try my best to be there for her but it seems she is never happy. On her wedding day i tried to help with all the arrangements but when i try and help she has such a specific way of how things are done she doesn’t want my help. So i cant win either way. I was trying to add some accessories to her, and when i couldn’t do it she stormed out in her dress in a tantrum saying can nobody do anything for me!!! its my wedding day!!! i have to do everything myself!!! bearing in mind i am not to sure as to the in’s and out’s of a wedding..this was my first.

 

she can be so loving but at the same time so nasty, i don’t confide in her anymore now as she has blatantly said she doesn’t want to know my problems. its so unfair as when we were younger all i did was listen to her…….i always described it as ‘i would hold her hairspray, mirror and accessories as she would walk around’ if she wasn’t happy with the way she looked……she would be in a mood. everything revolved around her.

 

i love her so so much, i guess just knowing that we are ok makes me feel a peace but she makes me so miserable sometimes, and that i am at fault. she is on her honeymoon now, and has text me no hi or hello just ‘where is my makeup!!!!! i need it!!’ and yet i offered to help pack her things but she blew up and refused…..

 

please please can you help me?????

Dear Sarah,

It sounds to me, like big Sister needs to be spanked. She is behaving like a selfish Princess. Sorry to say, quite often, it is very difficult to make someone of that caliber, see the light. If they were able to look in the mirror and see themselves, as they truly are and as they behave, they’d have already changed that behavior.

There are a few things, you can do though, if nothing else, to empower yourself. For starters, do not tolerate her speaking down to you. At the start of it, you calmly inform her, that you will not be spoken to, in that manner or fashion. You inform her that you will not be treated any other way, than she’s willing to be treated. Watch the look on her face, once you’ve stated your demand.

I like that you are able to see her good qualities, even in your hurt and anger. This shows me that you are able to put things into perspective, you are able to try to be unbiased and see her good side, as well as the bad. Sounds to me, like you have the ability to be fair and just. Maybe your sis, needs some “Just” tough love.

Write Her A Letter

I would start by writing her a letter, one she’ll receive, upon her return. In that letter, you let her know, you are able to see her good qualities. At the start of the letter, you make sure she knows that you have her best interest, at heart and you are writing this letter, simply because, you want your relationship, to be the best it can be. You tell her that, while you realize that you have family obligation to her, as a sister and you will always love her, right now, she’s left a real bad taste in your mouth. In fact, while you will always love her, at the moment, you don’t like her too much. You then tell her, the reason for this letter, is to change this.

You must make her aware that, first off, when you two do have a heated discussion or argument, her husband has absolutely no business sticking his nose in it. You tell her, you will no longer tolerate him, in family business. Tell her why; he is not able to be unbiased, will always side with her no matter what and between sisters, it’s simply none of his business. He needs to back up and mind his P’s & Q’s.

Secondly, you will never again tolerate her speaking to you, as she has. You give her an ultimatum; Be respectful or keep your mouth shut. She will treat you, like she would treat anyone else, outside the family. She thinks because you are family, that it gives her license to disrespect you. Take that license back and simply put, you will not allow it. If she continues to have these outbursts of immature behavior, when she doesn’t get her way, you will not speak to her, until such time as she sees just how ridiculous, that behavior is. Let her know that she’s done it for the last time. Tell her also that while you realize, she was under duress, she has no business talking to you, as she did, has and you have grown quite weary of her inconsiderate words.

Let her know, in this letter, that you hope and pray, that she will look at all this, look in the mirror and ask herself, if she would allow others to treat her, as she treats you?

I have a little Sister, a Princess too. Every now and again, I have to let her know that I am not going to tolerate any disrespect. She will not take her bad days out on me, she will not disrespect me and if she wants me, to treat her with respect, I will command it, myself.

See, I think your sis, has been allowed to get away with the behavior, for far too long. I dare say, that it is your choice to allow it, huh? This is typical, what they call, “Passive,” and quite often, there are people that do take advantage of passive people. Thus far, in your brief letter, you have proven the premise. But I only know all this because I was and still be, “Passive-Aggressive.” Now, that’s a clinical term but in my world, it means that, I have not been assertive and stated my needs or requirements, in any relationship. In the past, those that might prey upon the passive, had taken advantage of me. Then, all of a sudden, I would burst into flames, go crazy and let them have it. Of course, they thought I was crazy, I may very well be. But if I allowed it and let it go on, of course, they thought it was ok to talk to me any kind of way or to hurt my feelings. They’d have complete disregard, for my pain, in the process and completely disrespect me. I allowed it, all along. Then, once I was fed up and had had enough, I got evil and told them off with a vengeance.

You must learn to be assertive. You must learn, for your own well being, happiness and health, to never tolerate what is not right. Thus far, you’ve stuffed it all and become pissed off and resentful. You harbor animosity and suffer in silence. Are you a martyr? I think not. Note, they can only do this, if you allow it. I had to learn to stop playing the martyr, step up to bat and say, “STOP,” loud and clear.

I’d like you to make a pact with yourself, that from this point on, you will no longer tolerate abuse from your sister or anyone, for that matter. You may have to play hardball with her, for a minute. You may have to actually tell her, just how immature, she’s behaving and that you want nothing more to do with it. Now, if you tell her she’s behaving like a child, she’ll have to look at it. One of two things will happen; She’ll really look at the scenario, as a whole and/or, she’ll get real pissed off. I’m betting on #2 and you can bet your bippy, it may not be pretty. You’ve got to be willing to stand your ground, if you really want things to change.

Take that license to disrespect, away from her. Write the letter today.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 3:59 PM    

Labels: Assertive Practices, Commanding Respect, Disrespectful Behavior, Empowerment Practices, Gaining Respect, Passive-Aggressive, Sister Issues

License to Disrespect

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

My name is Sarah, My sister is a year and a few month older than me. Growing up we have been close and distant due to so many family problems. Either my sister left home, or went to university, and when she returned I was at university etc etc, so we have not spent our entire lives at each others sides. However due to the so many problems it has created a level of trust and a bond between us.

My sister is 23 and I am 21. She has serious anger issues and is known for her moody ways, if something doesnt go her way she will wail and scream, but she is fair at heart. She has just got married, and it hurt me to let go of her, thinking that maybe this is the start of another beginning for us.

My sister always thinks she knows best, always shouts at me, and the guy she married takes her side and its as if they both gang up on me. When its nothing to do with him. She recently called me a bad sister, saying that i have never been there for her, and the only time she hears from me is when i have problems………………………being so untrue i was so hurt i didnt bother responding.

I have given her countless amounts of money, and try my best to be there for her but it seems she is never happy. On her wedding day i tried to help with all the arrangements but when i try and help she has such a specific way of how things are done she doesn’t want my help. So i cant win either way. I was trying to add some accessories to her, and when i couldn’t do it she stormed out in her dress in a tantrum saying can nobody do anything for me!!! its my wedding day!!! i have to do everything myself!!! bearing in mind i am not to sure as to the in’s and out’s of a wedding..this was my first.

she can be so loving but at the same time so nasty, i don’t confide in her anymore now as she has blatantly said she doesn’t want to know my problems. its so unfair as when we were younger all i did was listen to her…….i always described it as ‘i would hold her hairspray, mirror and accessories as she would walk around’ if she wasn’t happy with the way she looked……she would be in a mood. everything revolved around her.

i love her so so much, i guess just knowing that we are ok makes me feel a peace but she makes me so miserable sometimes, and that i am at fault. she is on her honeymoon now, and has text me no hi or hello just ‘where is my makeup!!!!! i need it!!’ and yet i offered to help pack her things but she blew up and refused…..

please please can you help me?????

Dear Sarah,

It sounds to me, like big Sister needs to be spanked. She is behaving like a selfish Princess. Sorry to say, quite often, it is very difficult to make someone of that caliber, see the light. If they were able to look in the mirror and see themselves, as they truly are and as they behave, they’d have already changed that behavior.

There are a few things, you can do though, if nothing else, to empower yourself. For starters, do not tolerate her speaking down to you. At the start of it, you calmly inform her, that you will not be spoken to, in that manner or fashion. You inform her that you will not be treated any other way, than she’s willing to be treated. Watch the look on her face, once you’ve stated your demand.

I like that you are able to see her good qualities, even in your hurt and anger. This shows me that you are able to put things into perspective, you are able to try to be unbiased and see her good side, as well as the bad. Sounds to me, like you have the ability to be fair and just. Maybe your sis, needs some “Just” tough love.

Write Her A Letter

I would start by writing her a letter, one she’ll receive, upon her return. In that letter, you let her know, you are able to see her good qualities. At the start of the letter, you make sure she knows that you have her best interest, at heart and you are writing this letter, simply because, you want your relationship, to be the best it can be. You tell her that, while you realize that you have family obligation to her, as a sister and you will always love her, right now, she’s left a real bad taste in your mouth. In fact, while you will always love her, at the moment, you don’t like her too much. You then tell her, the reason for this letter, is to change this.

You must make her aware that, first off, when you two do have a heated discussion or argument, her husband has absolutely no business sticking his nose in it. You tell her, you will no longer tolerate him, in family business. Tell her why; he is not able to be unbiased, will always side with her no matter what and between sisters, it’s simply none of his business. He needs to back up and mind his P’s & Q’s.

Secondly, you will never again tolerate her speaking to you, as she has. You give her an ultimatum; Be respectful or keep your mouth shut. She will treat you, like she would treat anyone else, outside the family. She thinks because you are family, that it gives her license to disrespect you. Take that license back and simply put, you will not allow it. If she continues to have these outbursts of immature behavior, when she doesn’t get her way, you will not speak to her, until such time as she sees just how ridiculous, that behavior is. Let her know that she’s done it for the last time. Tell her also that while you realize, she was under duress, she has no business talking to you, as she did, has and you have grown quite weary of her inconsiderate words.

Let her know, in this letter, that you hope and pray, that she will look at all this, look in the mirror and ask herself, if she would allow others to treat her, as she treats you?

I have a little Sister, a Princess too. Every now and again, I have to let her know that I am not going to tolerate any disrespect. She will not take her bad days out on me, she will not disrespect me and if she wants me, to treat her with respect, I will command it, myself.

See, I think your sis, has been allowed to get away with the behavior, for far too long. I dare say, that it is your choice to allow it, huh? This is typical, what they call, “Passive,” and quite often, there are people that do take advantage of passive people. Thus far, in your brief letter, you have proven the premise. But I only know all this because I was and still be, “Passive-Aggressive.” Now, that’s a clinical term but in my world, it means that, I have not been assertive and stated my needs or requirements, in any relationship. In the past, those that might prey upon the passive, had taken advantage of me. Then, all of a sudden, I would burst into flames, go crazy and let them have it. Of course, they thought I was crazy, I may very well be. But if I allowed it and let it go on, of course, they thought it was ok to talk to me any kind of way or to hurt my feelings. They’d have complete disregard, for my pain, in the process and completely disrespect me. I allowed it, all along. Then, once I was fed up and had had enough, I got evil and told them off with a vengeance.

You must learn to be assertive. You must learn, for your own well being, happiness and health, to never tolerate what is not right. Thus far, you’ve stuffed it all and become pissed off and resentful. You harbor animosity and suffer in silence. Are you a martyr? I think not. Note, they can only do this, if you allow it. I had to learn to stop playing the martyr, step up to bat and say, “STOP,” loud and clear.

I’d like you to make a pact with yourself, that from this point on, you will no longer tolerate abuse from your sister or anyone, for that matter. You may have to play hardball with her, for a minute. You may have to actually tell her, just how immature, she’s behaving and that you want nothing more to do with it. Now, if you tell her she’s behaving like a child, she’ll have to look at it. One of two things will happen; She’ll really look at the scenario, as a whole and/or, she’ll get real pissed off. I’m betting on #2 and you can bet your bippy, it may not be pretty. You’ve got to be willing to stand your ground, if you really want things to change.

Take that license to disrespect, away from her. Write the letter today.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!