Lipstick Notch

Dear Aunt B,

hi my name is Ashley. i have been with my husband for nine years. lately he has shown a great interest in pornography featuring black girls with big butts. he also dated women fitting that description while we were separated. i am the complete opposite of that. i am a white petite female. our sex life has diminished. he isnt showing much interest in me. i don’t know what to do or what to think. most guys go gaga over me i don’t understand why my husband does not anymore.

Dear Ashley,

Unfortunately, this is happening all across America. Due to the prevalence and easier access to Porn via the Internet, I personally believe that our men may be falling into the trap of “Desensitization.”

I really feel for you and realize just how important it is for us to be the object of our mans desires. It hurts deeply when we find out that we may not be all that in his eyes. But if every woman in America, especially the wives could actually read our husbands minds, well suffice it to say, we’d be scarred for life, appalled as well as grief stricken.

Men are hard wired differently than we are and are actually in a constant state of warfare as to putting off their desires, not acting upon them and keeping themselves in check. Even the greatest of men have fallen especially when they have some little floozy throwing her junk in his face on the daily. It happens at work, it happens at the bars, it happens when we, as well as they, least expect it.

There’s nothing funny about it but it’s hard not to laugh when you realize that if you ask the average man about his will to sustain, you know to not fool around on his wife or girlfriend, he’ll often feel that he deserves Kudos for his good behavior. I mean after all, he fights it off every day and in a funny sort of way, he does deserve a cookie.

Yes, these days our morals are going to hell in a hand basket and there are girls, not women out there that’d just love to bed Your man down. They see the wedding ring and observe it as a challenge. Just for shits-n-giggles they’ll want your husband as another Lipstick Notch on their bed post.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, for starters you must be aware of his needs, not in a subservient way but in an understanding of how he’s wired with a mutual willingness to please. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts you want to keep his attention as well as keep him shopping at “your store.”

You’ll want to jazz it up, for one thing. It’s like this; Marriage and when I speak of marriage I do firmly believe that if you are living together as well as sleeping together in the “Marriage Bed” you are simply lacking a piece of paper that validates it in the eyes of the Law. That simplified, the marriage bed is a partnership, a two to Tango situation and a thing to be cherished and more importantly worked at. It must be cultivated and nurtured if we want it to grow. It must be seen in all seriousness and never taken for granted, our first and foremost downfall.

Flip The Script

My suggestion to you is one where you need to step up to the plate and bat. You need to take charge and begin to fight for your man. This is not “I am woman hear me Roar” speech but I do want you to begin to be less a victim. Begin with a more blitzkrieg approach;

You must state your needs, asserting your likes and dislikes, what you will as well as will not stand for. For starters, you’ll have to put the shoe on the other foot…

He will look funny in your high heels, hahaha, but you’ll have to put things in terms he’ll understand. For one thing, you should ask him if he would be bothered if you were watching other men, porn to be exact? Give him the scenario that how would he feel if he came home, looked at the History on your computer and saw that you were watching men with huge cocks? Yea, I said it! Many men, even if they are well endowed are intimidated by other men and their package if it’s bigger than theirs. Ask him how he would feel if he saw that every few days you were watching this sort of thing and not just for a few minutes but for long periods of time. Would it not bother him? Would it not make him feel inadequate? Would he possibly wonder that there’s a chance that you were not satisfied with his manhood?

If he says that all that does not bother him, I’ll call him a damn liar!!! The point is that that exact scenario is how you feel when he looks at the sort of things he’s been looking at. You are not black nor do you have a big booty so how could you ever measure up to his specifications?

All this Porn watching does not mean that he does not love you. What it does mean though, carries the implication that he does, possibly take you for granted and is not doing his part in the cultivation of your marriage? At the same time as I stated before, you’ve got to work at tripping his trigger. This may be a stinging indictment for both of you?

My Advice would be to sit down and get it all out lest you explode with resentment. Furthermore, I also suggest that you engage him in the understanding, a meeting of the minds that his behavior is hurtful and makes you feel like shit, less than and not capable to measure up.

The Solution

It would be rather kind of him to agree to limit his “Porn Time” just for starters. You’ll never get anywhere if you demand it and he’ll just begin to get sneaky about it. Putting that shoe on his foot, as I stated may make him understand that it is extremely hurtful to you as well as desensitizing to him. He may not realize it but men who watch really XXX porn, you know the down and dirty stuff have a harder time getting aroused unless they are, themselves engaged in dirty dirty stuff.

So, he’d be doing himself and of course you a favor if he saved himself for you, watched less porn and masturbated less. Yes, normally the two go hand in hand, no pun intended!

Working on your marriage bed action has got to be Priority One. I also suggest that you invest in a vibrator and use it with him in your foreplay. If you need to know why I suggest this, I welcome you or anyone else to write me and I’ll be more than happy to communicate why I feel this is important.

Don’t be shy!!!You’d be surprised!!!

Email Babz

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Suggested Reading;

Sexual Healing

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

"My Life"

Because Aunt B cusses sometimes!

Dear Aunt Babz,

To whom it may concern,

I need advice, and up until now I can’t seem to find logical answers to my dilemma. It concerns my job and my health, and I am almost at the end of my rope. I will explain.

I am a 52 yr. old male, college educated, and work in the maintenance dept. of a local hospital as a maintenance mechanic. I am responsible for repairing and maintaining all the machinery in the hospital and it’s surrounding facilities. Among them being all housekeeping equipment, all laundry equipment, some kitchen equipment, hospital beds, exhaust fans, water pumps, air handlers (heating and cooling), compressors, and sump pumps. This list is so overwhelming to me it has begun to severely stress me out. My blood pressure is out of control, although I am on medication, my weight has increased by about 50 lbs. since starting this job, and I feel trapped with nowhere to go. I have frequent migraines, and in fact today I called in sick because of it. I have missed a lot of work due to these headaches, and if it weren’t for the Family Medical Leave Act, I would likely have lost my job by now. Last year I missed 43 days due to severe headaches, and I have missed 4 days this year (month) already.

In the beginning these responsibilities were split between me and another mechanic, but in March the other person is going to retire and our supervisor has pretty much given all of his work to me as well. What makes this job even more stressful is that when it was “given” to me I was totally unqualified to do the job. I was literally forced to take the position. Our hospital has a union, in which I am a part of, and in 1998 there was a strike over benefits and other issues. During this strike certain employees must have done things on the picket line that didn’t agree with management, so when the strike ended they felt they had a “score” to settle with these employees. So once we were all back to work, the management began shuffling people around to get to the people they had targeted.

Jobs were eliminated, people were laid off, and in my case, I was called in to the boss’ office and “strongly encouraged” to take another position (my current, mechanic job), which in his words it was “in my best interest” to take the job, otherwise my current position could be eliminated and I would be unemployed. Apparently I was “in the way” of a certain employee who had more seniority than I, but to get to them I had to be moved out of the way. I enjoyed my previous position, mostly because it had a lot less responsibility attached to it, although the pay was much less. Last year I made a little over $51,000, which isn’t bad for a single person working in this particular area of the country. I have worked at this hospital for 29 years, and over those years my pay has increased steadily, and I have basically gone as far as I can go on the so-called “ladder of success” at this hospital. And I use the word “success” with tongue-in-cheek.

My health has suffered greatly while at this position, and I don’t have to tell you how hard it would be to leave and find anything else that even comes close to my current income, especially with the current state of the economy in this country. I have considered selling everything I own, which in a lifetime one accumulates a certain amount of things as his/her career progresses. I have a home, 2 vehicles (car and truck), and live comfortably on my income.

So that is it in a nutshell. I don’t know if I should quit, sell everything, and move into a small apartment, or do something more drastic. I have thought of suicide, and yes, I know that is pretty drastic. But at this time I don’t think I could go that far, mostly because I have a dog that I absolutely adore and couldn’t leave because she needs me. (ha ha) But I am desperately looking for a way out of this situation. The local job service suggested going back to school and learning another trade, but with me being 52 now, and probably being at least 54 or older when getting out of school, the chances of anyone wanting to hire a person in this advanced age and paying them very much would be very remote. So that idea doesn’t seem logical..

I know it is a very complex problem, and I have struggled for a long time trying to come up with a solution. I have been to counseling, talked to my pastor, and even tried talking to my bosses about this. My bosses don’t seem to care about my personal issues, and in my opinion they are just waiting on me to “crack”. And I don’t mind telling you that I feel I am getting close to a nervous breakdown, but I keep trying to fight it.

Sorry this is so long, but with all that is going on I couldn’t have condensed the story to make any sense of it, so this is how it turned out.

What are your thoughts?

Sincerely,
Gary

Dear Gary,

I am not 53, but I completely know what you are talking about, 100%. See here is a little insight into the realm of Xmichra’s real world: I hate my current position and it has been horrid on my health too. I had a very great position, worth a lot less money, before I took on this “assignment” and have regretted it almost every day since ( I think I was in shell shock the first week).

My job now is very stressful, very time consuming, and not at all where my passion is. I was in a very similar situation to you regarding the job offer, and sincerely wish I hadn’t taken it. I am currently on maternity leave, and thank the gods because this break is needed for me to figure out what I can do and can’t do (because like you, I do need money to live and this job has it).

I understand the dynamic of this economy (even though I do live in Canada, it is still affecting us as well) and the hesitancy to leave a stable and profitably employer. But when you get to the point where you are, and that is to say you would consider taking your own life as a way out, then you HAVE to think about solutions that albeit are scary to undertake, are necessary.

You mentioned that you didn’t feel schooling would be a good option, but I disagree. I know of quite a few people who have gone back to school in their later years to improve their knowledge (and resume) and have had success in finding a well paying job afterwards. There is something to be said for a person who has lived a life, held a job for over 20 years, can change and learn, and still enjoys learning. And that is definitely something that as a person who employees others, I would look at very positively. And I know others do as well. But if you don’t want to go back to school (which is fine) there is a bit of a crunch out there for work, so you would be thinking about “in the mean time” while you were unemployed. This may take a long time, so make sure that you can still remain comfortable while in transition.

I will ask though, have you seen the doctor about all this?? I am assuming that you are covered by health care (most union workers are) for things like long term disability. And with the amount of times you miss work due to headaches/migraines; you should be seeing a doctor every single time and getting that documented. You should also get things like weight gain and depression looked after. Seriously, if the job is that bad for your health and you feel like you cannot lose your job because of this economy so you have to go…. well you may want to look into getting a documented case for LTD. Just a suggestion.

Ultimately you want to make a choice here, and you know what it is. You don’t want to do this job anymore. So now you need a way out, that is good for your life. Because really, why would you want to commit suicide? You have the means to downgrade your living expenses and to leave the job, which would fix your situation to enjoy your life. And that is the point right? To enjoy your life. Sometimes we have to take drastic measures to ensure our own happiness and well being, and this is one situation where I think you have given ample amounts of thought into things, and you know what you would have to do in order to live well.

There will be no safety net, and you know this. So you need to rely on your own assets and skills. You can and will find another job (maybe not one as high paying) and you can downsize your expenses. You have the ability to try something new. You also have the right (check with your union on timing) to take an unpaid leave of absence to figure things out (usually for 3 months). So use your union for the better, take the chances you need to take, and get your life back!

Good Luck, and I hope you find your happiness again.

~Xmichra.

Dear Gary,

I pray I am given the very words to calm your Spirit. I can feel that you are at your wits end. I can also appreciate your effort in taking the time to write us here at Aunt B.

Just now, I caught myself reading Xmichra’s answer(before I post and write to you), a no-no in my book but damn if I wasn’t curious as to what she responded to you. I had to walk away from the computer so I wouldn’t cheat. She does give sound advice especially in this niche, her specialty.

Momentarily, it will seem off the subject but I’d found out, rather recently, that my Orthopedic Surgeon, Richard S. Goodman, MD, JD, has died. He was a renowned Long Island/NYC Clinical Chairman of Surgery at SABA University School of Medicine as well as his private practices. More importantly, to me at least, he was a good man whom I was quite fond of. I am rather devastated and at such a loss but I found myself recalling our many conversations.

I went to his office approximately once a month for follow-up and almost always engaged in rather stimulating conversation every time. I highly anticipated these visits and in fact would think about what I might ask him long before I drove to his office. The man was a wealth of knowledge, extremely blunt and forthright but I learned something from him every single time I went to his Practice in Smithtown, N.Y. I guess that it astounded me how he would take such time to talk with me when I knew he had people out in the office waiting for him.

The time before last, if I recall correctly, I’d asked him one of my “frustrated journalist” type questions; “Are you happy in your Profession?” Now, I should have said “Profession(s)” because he was not only a Doctor but an Attorney as well. Dr. Goodman was often called upon as an expert witness in numerous medical cases.

The Doctor was an older gentleman and he’d, obviously been around the block a time or two. He scoffed at my question. Basically, he explained, that the medical profession was certainly not nor did it resemble anything it used to be or how it was designed.

It is not verbatim but he stated, unequivocally that they, the Doctors/Specialists were plagued with paperwork and locked into certain criteria because of insurance regulations.

Less and less time is afforded the patients while the bulk of his time was spent on diagnosis codes and insurance papers. Where there should have been further allowance for Doctor/Patient visitation and relations, he’d found himself having to spend too much time and effort in the “insurance” part of it.

They’re locked into whatever the insurance companies/HMO’s dictate and the patient has a much smaller degree in visitation with their Doctor. All the while, the insurance companies profit and get richer and richer whilst the Art of Medicine suffers amongst the politics of it all.

We talked for quite some time that day, per usual and I paid attention to his every word. I’ve gone on since then, painfully aware of the “Politics” of it all. The point being, in this situation is that I was not aware before of the games, the politics in the Medical Industry, i.e., hospitals and so on.

I can clearly see that you are a victim of such games and politics, huh? Yes, the good Doctor has enlightened me once again because had it not been for that conversation with Dr. Goodman, I might not understand fully, this political bullshit you are dealing with. And that is, without a doubt exactly what it is; Bullshit to the 9th power.

I am not certain that there’s any easy answer to this question you have posed. What I can and will say is that, “You only live once. Why not try to be happy?” So, what would or could it take to get you to some semblance of happiness?

More prevalent, to me is; what can we/you do to keep you from the mindset of becoming suicidal? Yes, that, your words speak volumes to me and I do feel your pain. I take it real serious too as I’ve been on that side of the fence, actually sitting on it, teetering back and forth between the pain of it all and the selfishness of the act itself. At the time though, all I could feel was the pain, it blinded me from the true significance of it all.

Having said this, broaching the subject head-on, I will tell you that, for you to even write those words, I knew that you are in such pain. It is unfathomable, this pain both physical and emotional that you are going through. I hope you will read my words to you and read them with a warm and hearing heart…

First and foremost, we must get those headaches manageable. I’ve suffered through and with 5 different types of diagnosed headaches, myself and without a doubt, that’s enough for someone to want to extinguish the light, in and of itself. So, I can somewhat relate.

Most of us “Want what we want, when we want it,” meaning we want it right now and in a hurry. I am no exception. I want it yesterday! But I think some of these things, the trappings, comings and goings of your life will have to be addressed one thing, one minute at a time.

There could be several factors, things that are causing your headaches, which I’m sure you are aware. In my own case, I stated that I had several different types and although I could be wrong, I do believe that you are lumping different pain/headaches into one category; Migraine.

What I am saying is that if it is an actual migraine, there are medications, good meds for treatment but they are certainly not one and the same,(migraines vs headache). It is highly possible that you are experiencing high blood pressure headaches as well as muscle tension, all of which require different attention as well as understanding of their difference. Each and every one of these can be debilitating, in and of itself.

The stress factors in your life are enough to cause headache all by themselves. Even the very thought or anticipation of headache is enough to send someone into a tailspin.

Personally, I have to do several things just to get through my own day. I am on blood pressure meds too and oddly enough, my pain usually causes my BP to go up.

I start my day thusly; I turn on the espresso machine and then I put my heat bag in the microwave. (Here’s a nifty idea to make your own) If you are not crafty, as most guys are not, I suggest purchasing one. I’ve had a rice bag as well as a bag made with corn. I can’t imagine life without one of these. As I said, I wake up and use the heated bag and through out the day, especially if I type a lot, I will heat it up again and put the bag around my neck. It really makes a difference in the amount as well as the severity of my headaches.

Stress in and of itself can debilitate, don’t you know? Stress kills, causes disorders, heart attacks and how we handle every day stress makes all the difference. This statement comes from a woman, myself, who’s been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (w/hypervigilance). Panic attacks are an every day occurrence for me. So, it’s no bullshit to say that I come from a place of experience as well as a few pointers.

Becoming aware of the things that stress you is of the utmost importance. It seems to me that you have pretty much narrowed it down, primarily, as your job.

Mentioning that I am aware of the politics involved in/at your establishment is for a reason. I realize that you can not just complain and change things. Besides it basically involving a complaint which will fall on deaf ears, I’m sure you are aware. Those that are deemed complainers are usually blacklisted and in some ways put on the same list as whistle blowers. So, what can you do?

For starters, you must come to a place of happiness, where you begin to look out for numero uno. Your first source, your first destination has got to be a knowing a presence of mind that happiness is simply a state of mind.

What I am saying is that I have met, particularly women who were doing “Life” but had found that place of happiness or rather, they “chose” to be happy. But how is that possible Babz?

Choices

When it’s all said and done, anything and everything in life comes down to choices. We can choose to be happy in the worst of situations or the exact opposite. When faced with the firing squad, in example, we can choose to be graced with the idea that it’ll only hurt for a second, if that. Or we can over analyze it, like I am famous for(I talk myself out of this over psychoanalysis on the daily) and stand there debating who it is that will fire the blank, how bad it’s gonna hurt, is it gonna be a big mess, omg what if they miss. This is typical behavior of the infamous “Say’ers™.”

Every day we are faced with choices. Often times we can’t or don’t see those choices. We also have doors or windows of opportunity as I’m sure you can look back in retrospect and see where you felt you were locked into a situation. You just could not see those choices. But again, every day we must choose to be “do’ers” or we can be “say’ers.”
[Aunt B terminology™]

I’ll start with what I lovingly call the “Say’ers™.” Say’ers are the kind of people and I know you’ve had the misfortune to have met. Some are just dripping with negativity. They are the kind of people who sit in their own shit and complain how really really bad it stinks. They are usually the first ones to point out, as well, just how bad your shit stinks, too!

They bitch and moan about their lives to anyone and everyone who will listen. Watch as they single handedly ruin your sunny disposition, yes, they’re enough to piss off a Preacher. They’ll stomp the piss out of any positive feedback too, telling you that it won’t work, you’re full of shit and don’t ya know, they know it all.

The funniest statement these Say’ers proudly proclaim to you is, “Your first mistake was thinking I could ever make a mistake.” And I do believe that half their problem is that they worry too much.

The “Do’ers™” in this life will just do the dang thing. They’ll search diligently for the “Silver Lining” in all situations. Faced with a negative situation, they will turn it around, even if it’s in their own mind and make it palatable, make it work for them.

Faced with that same, at sunrise firing squad, the “Do’ers™” will offer coffee and “of course it’s no trouble to make 12 Latte’s.” They’re the ones that will comfort you by pointing out that there’s no hard feelings and for real, one of you has a blank so don’t you worry about that guilt, I’m already working on forgiving you.

Now, don’t mistake the “Do’ers™“for patsy’s, as they are far from it. No, the difference is that they’ll take charge of their own environment. They realize that life in and of its self is a state of mind. And they’ll make the very best out of a reasonably bad situation. They are not “worry free” but tend to realize that sometimes you have no control, come what may, all else is filed under the category, “Let Go & Let God.”

Yours is a reasonably bad situation. But I can tell that you are a “Do’er™“ I just wanted to remind you. I’m also not playing the “Power of Postive Thinking” card on you. Yet at the same time, that is exactly what you need to do, think positively. I just don’t want you to think that as I’m writing you, it’s all some bullshit mantra to tide you over.

Because life is a state of mind and home is where you hang your heart, I suggest that you begin to see it as such. You must begin a journey, open a new chapter, in this book, “My Life.”

Right now, you are overwhelmed by it all. Begin to break it all down, assess it, in and of its self, meaning, take each individual problem and view it separately. Then, work on one piece at a time. I would start with the headaches.

Don’t give up or give into these headaches as they will rule you. Be your own advocate concerning them. Take the tips I’d given you, prior, seriously. Most men tend to scoff at such things, for whatever reason…and suffer. Why suffer?

When you feel a headache coming on, pop a couple of Motrin and dammit if nothing else, get an old sock fill it with rice and cloves, tie a knot in the end of it and heat the sock for two minutes. Do this as a preventive measure. When you come home from work, first thing you do is put this stupid sock around your neck<<—I just read your mind, hahaha! I promise not to tell and really, isn’t it just smart to take charge of your situation, namely those confounded headaches? If you can cut these headaches out, your first line of business is battled. If you treat yourself right, when you get home from work, you’ll be better for it and there’s a good possibility that you’ll be headache free in the mornings. I am 50 so I can relate, concerning your age and starting over. Rather, I understand you not wanting to go back to school, although it may come to that. Again, it is all a mind set. If you think about it, it’s really never too late to do anything if you choose to do it because the outcome is positive and it’ll make you happy or help you in some way. The question here, then becomes; “what will it take for you to find some happiness?”

Just for the sake of security, I would do or rather begin to implement a strategy, one you’ve mentioned of sorts; Downsizing.

Might I also mention that you’ve got to be ahead of their game. The very best way you can beat them is with your own state of mind.

Now, repeat after me; You will not allow them to get you down. You will not allow them to own you, your life or your happiness.

The choices we decide to follow through with in this life, of course are not always the right ones. We live, we love, we learn, we laugh, especially at ourselves, right?

Look for the laughter, please, my friend! Search diligently for something every day that makes you laugh.
Comedy Central’s Jokes.com
This is actually my own rule, one which I do preach and follow. At night, I always find something to make me laugh. In my search, it takes my mind off of things, laughter is good for the soul.

I suppose I’ve not really given you an answer but rather a state of mind. How you proceed from this moment further can and will shape the things to come. No, this is not some feel good package all rolled up, tied with a pretty bow.

One things for certain; You can own you or they can own you. You can choose to be positive or you can allow them to take you down. Personally, if I have my way, you’ll begin a regimen of self healing, self preservation and self motivation.

One more thing. It is my own quote, one which I am extremely fond of, an approach to life. Think about this;

“Some say the glass of water is half empty.
Some say the glass of water is half full.
I say, I am just grateful for the water.”

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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Dear Aunt Babz,

Ok I really need your helps..I really like this boy..he’s the cousin of my cousin but it doesn’t mean that he’s my cousin.I reeeeeaaaaaaaally like him so much.I can’t stop thinking about him!I can’t ask him out I’m so shy so I told my friends and others to do it and they all said that he said no so I heard him told one of my friend yes but I should ask him.So when I asked him he said no!!!Why???I’m so confused,depressed,sad,and desperate!!!He’s really my inspiration!Everybody think that he’s ugly but for me he’s so so cute!

Hey Friend,

I will sure do what I can to help :). Well, you said you asked him, correct? And he said no, right? As for why he said no, I do not know. I’m going to be completely 100% honest with you, he may have been a little uncomfortable with your friends asking him what he thought of you before you asked him. It can sometimes be confusing how some people react and what they say, and it can be sad. However, being desperate can also sometimes scare some people off. I understand you are shy, believe me I completely understand that, but if you start talking to him, just saying “hi”, and “how are you”, you’ll get to know him, and you’ll become less and less shy around him the more you talk to him. You’ll get to know him and maybe become a couple, or at the worst be friends, and maybe later you’ll become a couple. Just remember that everything takes time.

I hope to have given you a little help, and I hope it all works out great for you. Take care. Peace.

mb3

Dear Reader,

If a guy is cute to you, then that’s all that matters. Never base your thoughts or reasoning on what other people think. This is especially true when it comes to peer pressure; always do what you know is right and follow your heart.

Now, this guy was probably embarrassed at least that’s what I think but I bet he likes you. Don’t be or act desperate. I agree with mb3, your behavior may have scared him off. Never be desperate, ok?

I have the sneaking suspicion that if you take it easy, one minute at a time, that this guy, once he gets to know you will see just how sweet you really are. You are a very genuine person, a loyal friend and a good listener (very important) but you must learn some restraint, some discipline when it comes to your heart.

The sun does not rise and set on this guy but his smile may be the most wonderful thing you’ve ever seen. So, be you without the “I have to have it/him now” attitude, learn some patience and practice looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are worth it for some special guy. Maybe it’s not this guy but a certain guy will come along who is all that and a box of laughter, smiles and love.

One more thing; I would really be pleased if you would do two things for me. For starters, do your homework and read some of the posts I have on Empowerment as I really think you could be a powerhouse of a young woman once you learn to be assertive. Secondly, write me when you meet the right guy…he’s not that far away…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

“Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls”

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

No One Is Better

Dear Aunt B,

So theres this girl in my grade, amanda, and she literaly gets all the guys. Shes not ugly, but shes not drop dead gorgeous, if you know what i mean. She has a few extra pounds. Shes always saying how shes so self concious, but she still gets all the guys. She is 14 and has had atleast 15 boyfriends in about 3 or 4 years. I know some of them dont really count, because it was in about 5th grade but still! I can’t stand her. There is this new guy in my grade who i think is wicked hot. And she is all over him. I’m so sick of it. It’s so old. And he like loves her! She has alot of classes with him and i dont have any. She talks to him on myspace all the time too. What can i do to get him to talk to me? And why are all the guys in my grade obsessed with amanda? -Sick of it

Hey Sick of It,

Well, you said that she’s had around 15 boyfriends in the past few years. And now you say that there’s a guy that you think is really hot, and he likes her. If history repeats itself, they probably won’t be together for too long. I can definitely see where you’d be sick of her always getting all the boys though. And I can definitely see where it’s frustrating that she has a lot of classes with him, and you don’t have any, but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about that.

To answer your questions, the first one, how can you get him to talk to you? Just talk to him. You don’t need to wait for him to come talk to you, or do something that will make him talk to you. You can go talk to him, see what he’s about. You can also go on MySpace or Facebook and talk to him. And if you don’t have either of those, talk to him on the phone, or email. As for your second question, they’re obsessed with her, well that’s guys. See a beautiful girl and talk to her. And you said she’s not drop dead gorgeous, but everybody has their own tastes. And maybe they all talk to her because she has a great personality. I understand where you might not see it, because all the guys are gaga over her, but to the guys, she could very well be fun to talk to and hang around.

Well, I hope I was able to answer you a little, give you a little advice, and really, all you have to do is talk to him. That’s the best I can tell you, get to know him between classes. I hope it works out for you!

Peace,

mb3

Dear Sick of It,

It all comes down to how you think and act, how you carry yourself. If you feel like crap and act like you feel like crap about yourself, crap you shall be. But if you look in the mirror, adjust how you feel and realize that no one and I mean no one is better than you, you’ll walk away a different person. You must always be real with yourself, improve what you can, work with what God gave you and treat others as you want them to treat you.

See, Amanda lives her life in an assertive manner. Assertive chicks get what they want. You must also become assertive. How bad do ya want it?

I would say that life and our perception of it is probably 90% fiction and 10% fact. It’s all in how we perceive other people and as well as, how they perceive us. If you carry yourself with confidence, a confident young woman you shall be. You must begin to empower yourself, your reality with an understanding that, as I stated before, no one is better than you. You must begin to exude this confidence, the kind of confidence that when you walk in the room, people notice. This comes from believing in yourself. So Aunt B, how do I “empower myself?”

You’ve lived this long, being you and who knows you better than you? So, only you can make these life changes and only you have the power to make it happen. It’s all a matter of how strongly you want it? You will not suffer for doing your homework and reading as many tags (keywords on my sidebar) concerning empowerment. I have 21 posts with the label “Empowerment,” 8 on empowerment advice and 19 on empowerment practices. Please read some of these and begin to redefine yourself.

I believe every word of what I write. As well, I once was a young woman with an awful sense of self-esteem. It took me years to figure out that no one was better than me. It took me years to understand that I am three people;

I am who you think I am,
I am who I think I am,
I am who I really am.

You may be whomever you choose to be. This is true even if you really felt ugly, not so bright, not the funniest person or whatever. It all depends on how you choose to carry yourself. You see that Amanda is not the prettiest thing to walk down the pike yet she’s able to get the guy. Why is that? It is because she believes in herself.

The secret is; Once you begin to see what it is that I’m talking about, once you begin to believe in it and are willing to set goals for your own self-esteem, well, G-Friend, you are gonna RULE!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Become That Woman

Dear Aunt B,

In the beginning of this school year i met my new classmate, R. He was a rich boy and he had many friends in the school. When I met him i liked him, but I didn’t get on well with him. One day I asked him to give me his phone number and he gave it to me. That day I talked with him via messages, about 30. I was very happy because I liked him. The following day we talked via messages, too. At last I told him that I love him… And he started to touch my legs and ass at school……. Of course I didn’t let him to do this, but I didn’t do my best to stop him. And he started to give me messages with “i love you”. I really wanted to him to love me. After two months of “touches” he was with a girl, A. She was the school’s b**ch and he liked her. He didn’t give me any messages and he became indifferent with me… And he is still indifferent in the current moment and I am still loving him. What can I do to get out of his life that girl, A.? What can I do to make him loving me? Please answer!

Kisses, Mirra.
Dear Mirra,

I’m not sure if I have an answer for you but I do have a few questions, maybe a few suggestions;

While I realize that you say you love him, do you really love him? I ask this because somehow I feel he’s not the guy for you. I just have this feeling that he’s a player, the kind of guy that’s out for the “thrill of the kill” and nothing more. Once he feels he conquered you or he won your heart, he moved on to the next. My Intuitions are usually right so I ask you to take a look at what I suggest.

Having said this and I may be wrong but it won’t hurt you to look at things with the possibility that I might be on target. Then, if I am right, you must do what you can to move on with the realization that Mr. Right is right around the corner. Actually though, I feel you’ll date several Mr. Right’s before you will find “The Mr. Right.” You will have the pick of the litter. You didn’t know this, huh?

One thing I feel is that you don’t see yourself as an attractive young lady. While, on one hand you know you are attractive, more often than not, you have doubts as to your inner beauty which of course is the more important of the two. You are still grappling with who you are, what you will be and where you are going in life. Yes, you have a lot of self doubt and a few self esteem issues to contend with.

Knowing this, I would make you aware of the fact that you’ve probably latched on to “the idea” of this guy because he was really the first guy that validated you and made you feel a bit sexy, wanted and desirable. But you don’t need him to be the sexy you. And you won’t need him to feel wanted or desirable, I guarantee this. Also let me point out that the real deal lies in you, being you and certainly not being anything you are not. In other words, Mr. Right will see you as you are and love every inch. You won’t have to push yourself on him and you sure won’t have to act sexy. No, that will be a personal file you’ll only reveal when the time is right. He’ll be attracted to you and not some girl who’s trying to act sexy or sex him up.

I hope you can see things for what they really are? Now, in the event that you can’t, you must never throw yourself at this guy. No, you must learn to be mysterious. You must lure him in with body language. You make him think with your eyes. It is possible to communicate all and everything to a guy without ever uttering a word. Say nothing but convey how you feel with your eyes.

Take notice as to how most girls act, you know the ones that are trying to get the attention of some guy. They are often obnoxiously loud, showing off and carrying on. Most guys are actually turned off by this. Sure they do notice you but not in a good way. They’ll often think how immature that girl is acting, a big turn-off.

Always carry yourself with a splash of dignity, a dab of virtue, wrapping yourself in your womanhood. Mind your words and don’t engage in mindless chatter in front of guys. Measure your vocabulary. Without seeming pretentious, hold your head up, your chest out, stomach in, one foot in front of the other and walk with that air of a woman/young lady who’s sure footed, strong and knows where she’s going. It may seem foreign to you, at first but the eventuality of it is that you will become that woman.

You will get what you want in life, yes, who you want, when you are able to enhance your own beauty with these inner enrichments. You are a multi-faceted woman, you just need to bring it to the surface, for all to see. And see it, they will as soon as you begin to believe it yourself. Become this woman.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Mirra,

I think that maybe this guy you speak of has decided to ignore your feelings and just go for another girl. Were you two dating? You never specified. Because If you weren’t dating… and nothing was resolved in specifying a relationship “title” (for lack of better terms)… seems to me like you two were casual “touch” buddies. Which may not be what you wanted. But it is how this sounds.

Either way, the boy sounds like he wants to go on to another relationship and not continue with you. If he did, he would have called you (or messaged you). But, if you feel compelled to try and seek a relationship with him, just ask him on a date. Worst case scenario, he says he’s not interested, but then you would have at least tried and you would know. Best case scenario he says yes, and you two can talk about what you want and if there is a potential for a relationship.

My advice though? Next time you think you like a boy, say something. Be clear. Don’t put yourself and your sexuality out like a doormat. There are plenty of guys out there who would love to have a casual ‘thing’ with a girl. But sounds to me like you aren’t that type of girl… and don’t want to be treated like that. So filter your relationships a little better and don’t give yourself to a guy who isn’t into you and isn’t committed to you. You will only get hurt in the end if you do that.

Take care

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Choose To Be You

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, after asking the question again and again but never getting an answer or being to ashamed to ask the people around me, i finally come to my lovely computer. please help, its a very long and confusing story, at least too long for me.

oh, and can you please reply back via email, my computer wont bookmark any sites or keep history.

ok, try to make it short and i ask that you try not to be to judemental about it because i just sort of slip into things from time to time. Just read till the end cause its more than one thing and it just all came to me a few days after i went out for Marti Gras. Ok, i’m almost out of highschool, never had a boyfriend but been around plenty of guys i can click with. I might just not attract many guys as it is, but i’m not sure if it’s bad luck or attitude or what? Something always happens at the last moment. Either we can’t see each other again, things cool off, or some other girl moves in or just something really random. With the guy i took to homecoming, i really liked him and we went as friends. one of my friends asked him to a sorority dance at homecoming, he said yes, and met his current girlfriend on the dance floor. now she is keeping me away from him and wont even look at me. When we do have to talk about english projects, she will bring him up randomly. “I have no idea what i’m going to do with james this week end” i smoove it over, i have to “well it’s pretty cold out, he might just want to stay in or see a movie” but it still make me want to kill her. She has done this before. I feel like i can only get whats left after she is done. I don’t even know how she does it, she isn’t that atractive and snaps at people constantly. sorry if i’m brooding. The next thing that happened, i kinda like this guy in my chem class, but he is really shy, so am i, a little, and he is impossible to get to. i was pretty optimistic about getting closer to him till i over herd his conversation with an older girl in our class, i wasn’t ease dropping, i cant help it if she sits right by me and almost yells it. “I wouldn’t give you 2 more than a month, you never see each other, never talk, and have you seen her dorm, its a total sh*t hole” looks like he’s got a thing for college girls……..
now the last one is the longest story. I can’t stop thinking about him since and blush every time i do. I met him at a party a while ago, haven’t seen him since, talk about disheartening. My older cousin said that i needed to relax a bit. So she took me with a bunch of her and her friends to the Marti Gras parade. I ended up appsolutly drunk in the middle of a field, in god knows where, sitting on a tailgate in front of a bon fire with 12 other people. For a minute i thought “how did i get here again?” but then some one smoved to over with another drink. turns out when i’m compleatly drunk, i smile like an idiot, at everyone. But at the bon fire i met Jay. we had introduced ourselves at the parade when i was just a little more than tipsy. So we keep talking and drinking around the bon fire. he would pull me back evey time some guy put as in the fire cause the wood was wet and the flame would die. and i would bury my face in his jacket evey time the smoke blew in our direction. about an hour in a half later, most the people had left. thats when the guy who was putting gas in the fire slashed his palm to his wrist on a beer bottle when he got into a fight with his brother. so my cousin went to take him to the hospital and left me drunk in the field, in the middle of nowhere with Jay. We sat on the tale gate for another 2 and half to 3 hours playing drunken guessing games them talking about more important things like school, friends, family, college, and how we really didn’t understand the drama that happened the whole night. Turns out he was 19 and majoring in agicultural bussiness. he was really honest too, he said he thought it was a little strange that i had never been in a relationship. I was really comfortable with him and we got along really well. By the end of the night we were curled up on the tale gate with my head on his shoulder when some guy breaks in and says some one may have called the cops and that we needed to clean things up. He asked if my cus was coming back for me and i said i didn’t know, he said he would make sure i got home. probably 20 minutes later, and after we found half a bottle of vodka randomly lieing in the field, go figure, my cousin comes back and drags me off, not before i gave him a hug and said i hope i would see him again, he said definetly, then we left. my cus kept on asking me if he hit on me. i said no of course. Now i kinda worder why i was so different then. Not only did alot of guys hit on me, i also ended up getting really comfortable and close with some one i had just met. I don’t want to chalk it up to being drunk, that would mean i wouldn’t be able to be so close to people unless some one gave me a bottle of vodka. I wonder why i can’t be so approachable in my daily life. it was just so easy to get close to people. and it kinda upests me. Like i can’t make it work out with a guy? also knowing that i’m probably not going to see him again. I do miss him and i’d like to see him when i’m sober. i wonder if he would like me if i were sober. It really does hurt that i probably won’t see him again or be remotely that comfortable with some one normally.

i would be forever greatful if you could help me with my problem or tell me what my problem is.

till later

steff

Dear Steff,

Everything sounds normal. You sound normal, is what I’m saying. You may just need to polish up your approach and maybe a little self-esteem study? The Doctor also orders a little dose of Empowerment. May I suggest you read as much as you can, letters written to others who’ve written in with similar issues. On my sidebar are labels. Check out as much as you can on Empowerment, Self Esteem and any thing with the label Aunt B’s Bitch Belt.

If I’ve learned nothing, in this 49 years of mine, it’s that life is completely perspective. What I mean is we have winners and losers. We have people who’ve been dealt some crappy cards but choose to rise above it. We have people who’ve been handed everything and all; good looks, money, life of privilege. Do not envy them ever. For that matter, never envy anyone. You be you and be damn good at being you.

My point is this, as I stated in a recent post, What Defines You?,

“You are 3 People.”

I am who I am;

I am who you think I am

I am who I think I am

I am who I really am

It’s all perspective. As well, all life is about choice. Remember these words, if you remember nothing from this, “All life is choice.” It’s a matter of what we choose to do, in the best and worst of times. But we always have a choice. Often times we may not see it right away. Often times because of this, we make hasty, frivolous and stupid decisions. But one thing’s for certain, when it’s all said and done, when you are my age, you will begin to look back and see that in every instance, you had a choice as to how you handled a gift life hands you, an adversity and an every day situation. Even more importantly, you have a choice how people perceive you. You must remember these words, all the days of your life.
Choose to be;

1. Good
   
2. Pretty
   
3. Fair
   
4. Just
   
5. Honest
6. Truthful
7. Truth to Self
8. Assertive
   

All else will fall into place if you strive to be all these qualities. You will be pretty inside and out, if you so desire. Remember this!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Steff,

This will sound really stupid, but your problem is that you don’t actually have a problem, but you can quickly get into one if you are not careful.

Sounds to me like you are a pretty introverted person, and that is fine. But you may need to come out of your shell a little bit more often and take a few risks. Not big risks, but talking to guys doesn’t have to be a difficult task. After all, they will likely say something completely stupid during the conversation. We all do. And then it won’t feel so complicated. So don’t’ be afraid to say something.

With the examples that you provided it sounded like you waited to long to let the guys know you liked them. And that is really frustrating to you, and I can understand that. But if you don’t do something or speak up, they will move on. So try not to be so shy, guys are not mind readers.

Huge words of caution here though:

Drinking lowers inhibitions and what may seem like a great “ice breaker” for you to muster your courage can quickly become the worst day of your life. When we drink we do not have the regular thought process that we normally possess. This is because alcohol affects every part of the body.

Alcohol is carried through the blood stream and goes into organs, muscles, your brain, everywhere. And it affects the central nervous system in your brain. This is what causes you to feel more lose or relaxed, comfortable, or in reverse irritable aggressive or feel like you cannot be injured. It is a chemical response that happens, and you don’t really know what is going to happen until it does.

Many things can happen while you are drinking. You are more likely to make decisions that you will regret like dancing on tables, stripping, having sex with a person you barely know, having unprotected sex. There are tons of stories out there, just take a listen. Any person who has ever drank alcohol to the point of intoxication has at least one story of making poor if not life altering choices.

Also through this crazy altering of your central nervous system you lose the ability to know what is going on around you. Multitudes of women each year are raped, molested, or killed while under intoxication. And those who survive regret ever taking that drink because they know that they wouldn’t have ever been in the situations to become hurt if they were sober.

*******************************************************

I know that this is a hard reality to deal with, but you do not want this to be the result of needing to loosen up a little. Especially when you can learn to loosen up a little on your own.

So make sure that you are being smart about this and try to do a few things to let a guy know that you are interested. Talking to the guy will help a lot. If you are too shy to talk to a guy, how can you expect him to know that you are interested?? So you need to talk with the guy and at least make him know you are in the room. Then from there, keep a good rapport. Asking for help with a project, a pen, if they have plans for lunch. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Just make sure that you are putting yourself in the position for the guy to know you like him.

Men are not rocket scientists when it comes to women, and women are very confusing sometimes when trying to get attention. So make your intentions clear. At first, you will want to be friends with a guy, so what is so hard about asking him to sit with you? Or what is hard about asking him for coffee? You would do this with a girl that you wanted to be friends with right? So don’t be afraid to take your relationships into your own hands. And if the answer is no, then that’s fine. You didn’t invest a whole lot of energy and time brooding about it, and move on. No big deal.

Don’t’ worry so much, you are just shy. I am sure that you will do fine, as long as you keep your wits about you and you stay true to yourself.

~ Xmichra.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Dr. Babz D.L. Method

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi,

I have just started a new job and all though this may seem really trivial and stupid but I feel under pressure to get everything right. I work in a cafe and I had a really bad day last week, my boss was pushing me to do things and I did everything wrong, I can’t cook but I am learning how to, I have been there since the fourth of this month. I really like the people I work with and the customers are great to get on with but being pushed and pressured into doing things right is making me do everything wrong.

My boss has been told that I need to be pushed to do things and all though today wasn’t bad at work, the experience from last week has put me off serving customers and when my boss does call in the kitchen my heart is in my throat, I won’t serve customers until she has gone.

I can only think of one person who has told her I need to be pushed and that person is the women who did have to push me to look for work when I was on a program for Jobseekers, I am in work now and I hate to be reminded by my boss that I am on a three months trial to prove myself to her that I can do this job and I can.

My boss is great she gave me a chance and I don’t want to let her down, I also don’t want to loose this job and be unemployed because it’s so hard to find work. Please could you give me advice on what to do, if I spoke to her how could I tell her like an adult that the pressure isn’t needed. Please help me on what to do, I am drinking about half a glass of wine in the morning before I go to work to help me be a bit more confident. This may seem a really stupid problem but it really isn’t to me.

2 Tim 1: 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.


Dear Friend,

First, let me state that your question is quite valid and many of us suffer from this intimidation, a malady similar to “Stage Fright.” I’ve gone through the same thing and quite frankly, there was a time when I would shake in my boots, when I had to start a new job.

“The way I put all this, may seem unconventional but I am going to be as direct and to the point as I can.”

Basically, you’ve got to adapt the Dr.Babz’s, “World Famous; D.L. Method,” into your system. Yes, you’ve got to download this into your psyche, learn it, digest it, breathe it, incorporate it, live it, become it and then allow it to Empower you!

I can’t say what I did at one time, they’d have to kill me and you, hahaha, but way before that, when I was a young Mother, I wanted to work but only part time. I wanted to be able to breast feed my kids and the only job, at that time was Tupperware. I could go do a party and be back within 2-3 hours. But let me tell you what, I felt like a bumbling idiot, a good portion of the time. Sales is not easy and if you have any kind of self esteem issues, which by the way, is what’s going on here, sales is probably the hardest thing you could choose to do.

Eventually, I got over my fear, usually using humor, my trademark and I began to do rather well. The bonus in that is the pay, as in any job, you do well. But I can remember when I was so intimidated, I even had a terrible time remembering people’s names and would just about die inside, every time I had to meet someone new.

Now, you may not think, this is all that but I went on to become a Tupperware Manager with a Company car, one which came right off the showroom floor. I was making good money, which, as I mentioned is quite the motivator to hone your craft. Because of the area I lived in, a very repressed, no jobs kind of area, my people had to work extra hard. As well, so did I, just to keep up our sales, as we competed with the benchmark sales of the big city numbers. It wasn’t easy but it was proving ground.

Hopefully we’re paying attention and learning as we go. I believe that all we do in this life, all we go through;

1. Is for a reason
2. Trains us for what’s coming next
3. Teaches us Empathy
4. Teaches us Compassion
5. Hopefully enables us to help someone else
6. Even one person at a time

I was gripped with fear, until I began to put my life into perspective. At one point, if you read the post prior to this, I was in an extremely abusive situation and this is where I began to develop my,”D.L. Method.”

Yes, on one hand or rather one minute, I was a powerhouse, the next I was Babbling Babz the Bimbo Minded Boob. Things in my life caused me to behave this way. I was even diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as a matter of fact, years later and after the jobs, I can’t mention. I was a mess, for sure. Inside, I was this strong minded person, who was being held down by an oppressor. Many things oppressed me but namely, my ex taught me, rather nicely that I had to hold/bridle my tongue lest I eat my teeth. Inside though I was a raving maniac. When we fought and we’d fight like two men, I eventually figured out the hard way, that it was when I, “sassed back,” that it would infuriate him. So, to keep my teeth intact and up until the point where I took back control, I would use my
D.L. Method. Now, D.L. stands for, of course, on the down low, on the Q.T., hush hush and this adaptation, well, it was my way of coping. He would say things and infuriate me. He’d be slinging the proverbial mud and I couldn’t say a thing.

So, I began to look him straight in the eye, during these Bitch Fests and tell him exactly what I thought about him, exactly what I had to say but only in my mind. No, I wouldn’t utter a word but I’d be cussing him out, calling him everything but a white boy, all in my mind. It was a coping mechanism and at that time, it was all I had. It got me through a verbally abusive situation. I do believe he knew as I’d often end up smiling, which would sometimes infuriate him even more.

Before all this, at Sales Rallies and Conventions, I remember their version of getting over intimidation. That would be for you to envision your intimidater, in their underwear. Later, when I would train men and women, in sales, I remembered this but added a twist, an adaptation of that age old sales empowerment practice.

First, there were many people, I did not want to envision in their underwear. Yuk!
I had made an observation, that I would go on and teach, for years to come.
If you feel intimidated by this person and you can’t look them in the eye, look at their nose. You will find that it moves about and is rather humorous. Try not to laugh but it will, if nothing else, cause them to appear human…just like you. No better, no worse. Furthermore, they are no better or worse than you. No one is…no one. Just for giggles, if nothing else, next conversation with someone, anyone, test my theory and watch their nose. Yes, the nose is a rather amusing apparatus, if you ask me and it moves about as we talk. It just humanized and equalized the situation.

Yours is a self esteem issue and you must do your best to put it all into perspective. Life is perspective and how we choose to perceive all things, all people. You are intimidated by your boss, your duties, the people at this job and so on. But ask yourself, what it is that you are so worried about? I mean truly, I imagine that you have a good sense of work ethic, I can just tell. I also believe that you want to do a good job and it worries you sick, that you won’t,
“Get It.” But you will get it and you just need the confidence to realize this.

Do not drink. Bad, Bad, Bad idea! You must learn, when you are under the gun, so to speak, to breath by using relaxation techniques. Take in a deep breathe. Blow it out as if you are cooling a spoon full of soup. It is a matter of seconds that make the difference. In those seconds, breathe in and blow out, giving yourself time to think, grasp what is being said to you, allowing it to download into your brain. It’s seconds.

I also believe your emphasis, your minds priority, in those first seconds and beyond is/are misguided and misplaced. It’s as if you have ADD and you just can’t concentrate on what or how you are being trained, on the task at hand. It’s like your mind is working as if you had an 8 Track reel to reel going on, playing in your head. I’m speaking of an 8 Track, like in a recording studio, if you’ve ever been privy to one. Your mind is playing what is being said, with overlays of you arguing with yourself, another layer is telling that layer to shut up, don’t sweat it and on and on. You are thinking too hard and over analyzing everything, aren’t you?

You must calm your spirit and stop telling yourself, stop the inner dialogue, that holds you back from listening, hearing and applying. You know damn well, you are a good worker, once you know your stuff, now don’t you?

I’ve rambled on but my suggestion to you is to read all you can on Empowerment. Just because you’re out of school doesn’t mean you are done learning. Take your butt back to school, in the sense of studying yourself, your weaknesses and strong points. Study, make a conscience effort to reign in that positive force, that lays dormant inside of you. Learn to tell that big mouth, you know the one inside that tells you that you can’t do something, to shut up and shut it down.

I also suggest that, at night, you go over what you’ve been told, taught and trained, that day. Envision doing the procedure, as if it’s a dress rehearsal. Make sure you get plenty of sleep and try not to over analyze everything, as you do tend to do, huh? You do yourself no good by analyzing every, what you perceive as critical word/statement from your boss. You’ll stand only to make yourself crazy.

If at all possible, listen to an uplifting song, on your way to work, it may just frame how you feel, once you arrive. Finally, take back control. Do your homework, read about empowerment, even the posts I have here, on the sidebar. Yes, so that strong willed, I can do it woman, that we both know, is within you, will win!

Make sure you read Xmichra’s answer to you. It is a strong message and the inside scoop on what an employer expects.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t say this on the site because it’s a little too personal, but my job is in human resources and in particular the employment insurances “get back to work” program. I not only deal with what you are going through on a daily basis, but also understand the difficulty of becoming “positively assertive”. What does this mean? It means that in any business you work in, if you can attain the ability to both be positive with your attitude regarding work and assertive with your needs, while achieving the goals set out by yourself and your company that you can have that “great job” everyone is looking for.

Before I get into anything else here, it sounds like you respect your boss and like her. It doesn’t sound like she is asking you to do impossible things either, so I will continue on the assumption that this is the case. Because if she is asking you to do things that aren’t in the labor law or outside of your job description or is really cruel, then this is a totally different story. As it is, you sound as though you are overwhelmed. So I will go with that.

Basically in your situation I see a few things. One, don’t drink. Drinking will only get you fired. Alcohol doesn’t give you more courage; it lowers inhibitions, which also makes for trouble. You could say the wrong thing, you could really injure yourself and others (especially if you are cooking) and if your boss were to suspect you were drinking on the job and just can’t prove it?? Well they will likely try to make you quit by being hard on you, so that they don’t have to deal with the potential fall out. So do yourself a huge favor and just stop drinking before work. It is doing you no favors.

Now your job I am sure has a learning curve, you started on the 4th right? Are you working full time or part time? The reason I ask, is that after about two weeks of full time employment most employers will expect a certain level of professionalism and ability from their new recruits. Also, in an industry with light memory or repetitive job tasks it is expected that you catch on rather quickly. The first week is to teach an employee “the ropes”. The second week is to see how an employee does “under pressure” and after a month it is pretty well expected that you know your job and now you are just making your skills better and more fine tuned. Sounds to me like your employer is keeping on a fairly obvious track here. But that doesn’t necessarily make it right.

The problem is that there really is no good way to go about this issue with your boss. I never get to say this to people because I have to be politically correct and I have to be so objective between the employers and the employees. But I will level with you. In my experience, new hires (people in their three month probationary period) who go to their bosses and try to talk to them about behaviors or the way they would like to be treated… are deemed whiners and not taken seriously. In fact, whatever treatment you are receiving now will likely become worse. Why? Because you are the new person trying to tell a boss what to do. I know this makes little sense, but it is the truth. It is seldom that a person who is in charge of anything will let a new person weigh in on how they should manage… even if it is only in regard to how they are treating you. To the manager, they are the experts, they are the reason that the business is thriving, and without their knowledge the company would be nothing. Seriously, this is the mindset. And to some extent, it’s true. Good managers know how to train, know how to retain and know how to please their staff. And this person may indeed be a great manager. It’s all in the timing and the ranks.

At any rate, I don’t know this particular manager or you. But I do know that a manager who is trying to drill in a standard of excellence is often looked upon as “picking” on their new hires. And sometimes they are a little hard. And sometimes you will have bad days. But the absolute worst thing you can do is to prove them right. And you are doing this by not serving customers, by being freaked out when the boss comes into the kitchen, by taking the criticisms from your boss of the job personally, and by placing the boss’s actions on other co-workers opinions (“My boss has been told that I need to be pushed to do things”).

Bottom line is that the boss has a job to do as well, and they are going to be held accountable for it, the same as they will hold you accountable for learning and excelling at your job. And when you are in the probationary period it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel some days, because things will not seem fair. But generally a boss will not ask you to do something that they themselves have not done or wouldn’t do.

Best thing you can do is to really try and get past these obstacles and do your job to the best of your ability. Let go of the fact that you are in your probationary period, and work in your job like you mean it, you want it, and you have it. The job is after all, yours. Now you just need to keep it. And you will if you ignore the idea that your boss is pushing you too hard and accept that as a personal challenge. Accept it and defeat it. Go to work and learn. Do the job. Be the best that you can each and every day. And don’t wait to be asked what you need to learn. Ask for it.

The number one reason for employers/employees terminating their employment is training. “I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything” is not the right response. Neither is “just figure it out on your own”. The employer must be willing to provide the tools and the training required to do the job they ask of their employees. And in turn, the employee must make the effort to excel at their abilities by asking for explanation or further instruction on things that are out of their knowledge. So don’t be afraid. Do your job, do it well.

And just like anything else, something new is always a bit scary. But once you have had this job for a few months you will look back and think “why did I think this was so hard?”. And you will be really pleased with yourself for being motivated and achieving your employment goals.

Hope this has helped you, let us know how you do!!

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

That Woman

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi there, I’m writing to you out of complete frustration. I wonder if you can offer any advice. I have been with a guy for a year now, and we are living together with three other mutual friends from university.

Me and my boyfriend had an argument about 4 days ago now, after a week of me being an utter bitch (I was feeling really unusually rough due to a period of pms).

I am usually an assertive and sometimes touchy/stressed person anyway. This boyfriend of mine has now said that although he loves me he doesn’t want to go out with me anymore because we have had a couple of arguments like this before and then got back together again.

I can completely understand what he is saying but I care about him so much and still feel that we have so much going for each other. This is driving me insane, leaving me crying myself to sleep and waking up crying.He says that he feels exactly the same yet says that I will be unable to change his mind.

I’m just looking for some advice I suppose. Other than that, I am just laying in bed 24 /7 bawling my eyes out and trying to find some other reason for living.

Thank you,

A girl who regrets xx

Dear Regrets,

First let me say, you can never place all your eggs in one basket, in one person. No, you must be whole, within yourself. I do know that it makes no sense, especially now, when you are devastated. But what I mean is that you must be a whole entity, on your own. A fraction of a person, does not equate. Yes, it’s simple mathematics. 1+1 equals 2, not 1/2 plus one. No, this may not make sense, till the end of this…

My advice to you is going to be two fold, two different perspectives and angles. Take from both and blend it. As you read this, only take what applies and look at it all as a whole, ok?

My point is that, first, you must get up, get outa bed and get showered. Then, you must look in the mirror. Look long and hard and assess yourself. Do you think you ran this fella off with your nagginess??? <—(new word, I just made up) If you answered yes, to that question, then you simply need to be aware of it. You need to improve on it, work on holding your tongue, being assertive but not naggy. I don’t think naggy is a word but you get my meaning, right? Always try to put yourself in the other persons place. Always put the shoe on the other foot. What I’m trying to say is that you must look at your behavior, what you say or don’t say, as a woman. Be responsible with your tongue. Now, I’m not accusing you of running this guy off. I’m asking you, if you did? If you did and there’s no return, all you can do is live and learn. If he did leave because of your nagging, your PMS ish behavior, you first need to look at it all, collectively. Then, you improve upon it and most of all forgive yourself. Yes, we must do our very best to live without regret. We must try to realize that all things happen for a reason. Absolutely all things happen for a reason. Crying over spilled milk will get you nothing but puffy eyes. Now, don’t think I am cold hearted or unfeeling. I can tell you are devastated. In your defense, my dear, I must question the very fact that this guy left in the heat of it all. Yep, if ya can’t stand the heat, get the hell outa the kitchen. Maybe, he didn’t have what it takes? Maybe, he’s not the one? Maybe, he needs to question himself and if he used it as an easy out? I place those questions in your lap.

Now, walk with me. We’ll take a walk down the Rite of Passage. It is a path from girl to woman. Remember these words and hold them close;

From this moment on, you will be responsible with your tongue. You will no longer say foolish things. You will think before you speak. You will not be aggressive with your words. You will look at your words before you speak them. You will no longer speak irrationally. If you have nothing mature to say, you will sit quietly. When you do have something to say, you will make your point in an assertive manner. You will always realize that what you have to say is important and not drivel because you’ve left the drivel back at the beginning of this path. You will keep quiet when you have nothing important to say and you will see that it is the girls who run off at the mouth. Yes, the women have noteworthy speech. You will begin to see the difference between the talk of a girl and the speech of a woman. A woman does not nag. No, she calculates her words. She weighs them out and does not speak like a fool. She’ll make her point, only because it is important. Otherwise, she will remain quiet. A woman is responsible for/with her tongue, her language and how she carries herself. You are now this woman .

Let me make it very clear to you that I am not a feminist. I am not “I am woman, hear me roar.” What I am is a woman that believes in equality, in fairness, Just behavior and an assertive stance. I am also a woman who holds her head up and will survive. Yes, I wear a Bitch Belt. That means if I feel I need to say something, come hell or high water, I’m going to say it. But But But, I think before I say something. I stumble and I fall, just as you have. It took me years to get here, to have this understanding. I know my downfall as a girl, it was to run my mouth and I was/had/did idle chatter. Now, pay attention to the talk of girls. They’ll say just about anything and in turn, they’ll be perceived as bimbo ish. Their opinion will not be valued. Men will treat them without respect.

If per chance, this relationship does not work, you will learn from it. You will step away with dignity and a keen sense of wisdom because of it. The next fella that comes your way, will immediately have a sense of respect for you, as he will see the difference.

Hold your head up and be that woman.

Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 27:15 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike; (NASB ©1995)

Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.

con·ten·tious play_w(“C0599100”) (kn-tnshs)adj.

1. Given to contention; quarrelsome. See Synonyms at argumentative, belligerent.

2. Involving or likely to cause contention; controversial

vex play_w(“V0080100”) (vks)

tr.v. vexed, vex·ing, vex·es

1. To annoy, as with petty importunities; bother. See Synonyms at annoy.

2. To cause perplexity in; puzzle.

3. To bring distress or suffering to; plague or afflict.

4. To debate or discuss (a question, for example) at length.

5. To toss about or shake up.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Que Sera Sera

Dear Aunt Babz, Alright, here goes. There are two boys in my life at this point in time. My best friend Trey, and my friends with benefits Aaron. I have had feelings for my best friend for quite a while now, and have told him this, and he has declined my request to be more. He thinks now that I have lost these feelings, but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m not a very beautiful girl, and in realizing that, I understand that I won’t get many men to like me. Aaron says that he has these feelings for me, but when he told me this, I had no such feelings for him, but to give it a shot, and perhaps because I would like him in time, I took it to a instinctual level and told him that we could try friends with benefits for a while. During this time Trey has been sending me all together extremely confusing signals, that I can not distinguish between, him actually sending me signals to further our relationship, jealousy signals, or myself just hoping beyond belief that he wants something more. He will do things such as, wrestle with me, smack my rear end, let me lay on him, and say things such as “So you’re sleeping with me tonight right?” and “Now give me one wish”
Dear Confused,

I hope this doesn’t arrive too late. Because of the Holidays, I did not get to this and I do apologize. I’ve had company and my oldest son, Lee (Soulseer) is here, visiting from out of town. Even if it is too late and you’ve found yourself squeezed into doing something, you really didn’t want to do, we can still find some semblance of sanity in all this. Oh, and by the way, this is not annoying and I can totally relate.

I hope you are open enough, to allow this post, this message, this personal answer to you, to sink in, deep within your psyche. My hope is for you to digest it and use it as a teaching tool. My hope is for this to empower you. I want you to read it and re-read it, print it out and always keep it. I am going to tell it like it is, I may get graphic and I hope you are ready, willing and able to breathe it in…

First off, I’d love to be right there to smack your hand, for thinking that and I quote, “I‘m not a very beautiful girl, and in realizing that, I understand that I won’t get many men to like me.” I wish I had an Aunt Babz who’d have smacked me right in the kisser, when I said the same thing.

I felt rather ugly growing up and did a lot of things, in the name of love, in search of someone to love me. I didn’t say no, could be, quite often, a people pleaser. It was primarily/mainly guys and I may have even had a reputation, all because of it. I’m quite sure I was brought up and talked about, in men’s rooms and so on, more than once. Guys do so love to brag about what they tapped and conquered, now don’t they? It was a different era and the 70’s were a time of,”Free Love,” but the song remains the same. Guaranteed. “Don’t be a Babz.”

It took me many years, many relationships and even one night stands to realize that if a guy really cares, he won’t pressure you. He’ll talk smack, add a dab of innuendo(i.e. what Trey has been doing) and most certainly make a move but he’ll know that no means no. Being a tease is not healthy, either. Girls that walk around with their thong hanging out, just as an example, can’t understand the depth of implication and the signal they are sending. They know what they’re doing but at the same time, see it more innocently than it actually is. They tease and it’s not right, it’s not fair and often find themselves in bad situations. Get my drift?

In all actuality, almost all guys want sex, it’s how they are hardwired and they think about it constantly. Quite often, they will tell you, what they think you need to hear, whisper sweet nothings, and whoops it’s all over as quick as you can open the condom wrapper.(Condoms are a must. Don’t think it won’t happen to you. It happened to me, both pregnancy at 16 and Hep C).

Guys love the hunt, the thrill of the kill, the conquest. Not all guys are like this but I sure met my share, enough to form an educated opinion, not to mention that I have three, testosterone permeating sons, of my own and yes, they tell me everything, even if I don’t wanna know. Yes, I get the how, when, what and why’s of it all.

I am telling it like it is, G-Friend. And, and, and, you’ll be lucky if they call you back because, quite often, they just wanted to get in your pants. You seem to have self control but your thinking may cause you to do things that are not conducive to a healthy and happy lifestyle. Don’t fall into that same nasty trap/trip, I did. You will have a hard time looking in the mirror, the next morn. Eventually, you may stop looking in the mirror. I know I quit, for many years!

Now, I’m gonna tell you something, it’s an old saying and I hope you don’t think I am calling you this, it’s not to be taken literally but take it as it’s intended;

“There’s a dog for every dog.”

What that means, is that even if you were the ugliest chick in the land, even if you were a Fiona, there’d be a Shrek (I think he’s hot anyway)out there, just waiting to love you. Never be desperate, never think desperate. You are wrong for feeling desperate. You have desperate thinking right now. We must stop this and put things into perspective. No more desperation. Say it with me…

See, I remember what it’s like to be a teenager and so on, (I just can’t remember yesterday, hahaha!)and I sure remember, my thoughts, feelings and so on. I guess I’m saying, I can relate. Yea, I’m 48 but don’t ya know that my sons, daughter-in-laws and their friends, call me, always invite me to their parties and want me around. It’s hell to be so popular, hahaha! (I am crazy and amuse them, probably)I guess, what I’m saying too is, in some respects, I think, very young, I’m still young at heart, I suppose? Really, who wants to grow up, anyway? That’s overrated, as well.I know where your head is at and there is an answer, if you’ll only believe, if you’ll take this and run with it.

First, let me commend you on keeping your virginity, as long as you have. In this day and age, it’s almost unheard of. Hopefully, you’ve not broken that record but if you have, it’s never too late to say no, the next time, ok? Far be it from me to throw stones, either, understand?

Sex is so over rated. I mean, sure, I’ve done more than my share, your share and Britney Spear’s share. But back in the day, back when I was a teenager, it was quite rare for any guy to even remotely try to please you, first. It was rarely gratifying. No, it was more of a wam bam and not even a thank ya ma’am. Let me also point out that there’s a huge difference between making whoopie and making love.

I know all about peer pressure, hell I think even into my 30’s, I’d done things because of peer pressure. Some things I was not proud of, I was a bad bad girl but we must try to live without regret, ok?

Sometimes, writing these posts makes me crazy, as I have so much to say to you. It’s often times difficult to put it all down. I’d love to know that you’d read as many posts, written with the tag, “Empowerment,” from my sidebar. It is all you need, a good ol’ dose of empowerment and thinking. You need to build your self-esteem!

For now, I am putting your situation aside. It’s actually not the important part of this message. We need to work on you and all other things will fall into place. Yes, ” Que sera sera, whatever will be will be.”

Life is what you make it. How you carry yourself, is detrimental. I’ve never met you in my life but I will tell you like it is and it all starts with honesty, honesty with yourself. Once you are utterly and savagely honest with yourself, once you can look in the mirror, see yourself for who you truly are, it is then and only then, that things will change.

Now, you look in the mirror and you see someone who’s not the epitome of a Movie Star, don’t you? You have been brutally honest with yourself, I know this but you weren’t able to put things into perspective. I’m no beauty queen, either but you have not been fair to yourself. No, you must learn to love yourself, be friends with yourself before you can love another, truly love.

Remember this; Whomever you choose as your life long mate, must be your best friend first.

We all have flaws, even the most beautiful people. Always remember this, as well; If you are looking for fault, you will find it.

Yes, you have looked for fault, within yourself but you failed to look for what is right, good and choice. You are not an ugly woman, I know this. You feel ugly and this is what you portray. If you do not stop this mentality, for the rest of your life, people, will see you this way. People will only see, what you want them to see. No, you must accentuate the positive, work with what God gave you and learn to shine, from within. Now, you may think this is a crock o’crap but what I give you are words to live by, words and thinking that will empower you.

Yes, you need some Behavioral Modification to the 9th power. I will tell you this much, as I said before, I am not a pretty woman but when people meet me, they remember me. Why is that Babz?

Because some of us are not born beautiful, we must work a little harder in accentuating the positive, as I said. Some of us have to get up in the morning and apply our make-up a certain way, to hide the freckles of life, as I do. Some of us don’t have that natural beauty, you know the one the world seems to judge you by. Those people are fake anyway and never fake the funk for them, ya heard? No, you be you and let them be them.

Because some of us are not born beautiful, we must allow our personalities to speak for us. When I walk into a room, they are never going to look at me and say, “Good God, she’s drop dead gorgeous.” I have found a place to live with that. Never cry over spilled milk, never cry over what you can not change. When I leave that room, they will have met a person who is witty, funny, not egotistical but real, assertive, grounded, a good and loyal friend, an all around humorous person who is positive, for the most part. Yep, you get what you see with me. You must also be that person.

You must begin with acceptance of yourself, who you are and then begin to be who you can be, all you can be. Work with what you have and stop looking for fault in yourself. Take notice of how you look for fault, in/at yourself. See, if we are looking for fault, in anybody, we will find it. You will find it in Aaron, if you choose and you have and you will even find it in Trey, if you look for it. This applies to anything and everything. It applies in your marriage, in/with your husband and so on. In example, I’m sure you’ve fallen head over heels in love, when you were a kid or even not that long ago. At first, you don’t see their faults, as you don’t choose to see them, right? All of a sudden, even with Aaron, you begin to see things in them, notice their faults, maybe even look for them. It then leaves a bad taste in your mouth and you break up. Any relationship can and will work, if you do not look for fault. Understand?

Now, back to you. Once you have been brutally honest with yourself, see your faults, then look for the good, the positive and you must strive to see it, you must then strive, really work to make the positive your persona. If you have bad habits, if you are really over weight, if you are a negative person, you look at it and you do your best to change it. You must not allow it to over whelm you, this change. Too many girls are out there, Anorexic puking their guts out, ruining their teeth and developing an Esophageal Varices, all in the name of losing weight because of unreal expectations. I have first hand knowledge, concerning this, as this was me.

You are angry, in your life, about something, (that’s between you and me, I won’t be specific)and you must do your best to get it out of your system. You must cut it out like a cancer because it will eat you alive. Anger kills and whatever it is you are angry about, you must begin to realize that you are the one that suffers for it. No one else, just you. When that happened to you, a few years ago, it wasn’t your fault. You go from anger to shame, from anger to guilt and back again. Let it go. You can’t change it you can only own it and yourself. You can’t erase the past, you can only rise above it.

The people who should be important in your life are those that appreciate you, for you. If they do not have the depth to see you, the real you, they really don’t matter. If they are the type that will look at you, for surface beauty and judge you, in that capacity, why would you even want to give them the time of day?

There will always be people who are that way, you know fake, plastic seekers. The guys that want the “Trophy Chick,” on their arm, will often find, that they’re not anything more than, something to look at. Perception is everything, for some men and they do often seek that Playgirl pinup. But the important factors in any relationship, is not sex. Sure, sex makes the world go round but a relationship it does not make. Meaning, after the lovin’, if you have nothing to talk about, nothing in common, no friendship to speak of, there are too many hours to fill. In the real world, a sexual session, for no better terminology found, does not last that long. For real, there’s no making love for hours upon hours. It rarely lasts that long, hell it rarely lasts more than minutes. So, if you just burned 1 out of 24 hours, what will you do next? Yes, that leaves 23 hours with this person. What will you talk about, if you have nothing in common?

Having said all this, your question in general is answered, almost by itself, within the scope of your low self esteem issues. I don’t know who did this to you or why but it is clear to me that you do not believe in yourself. You will suffer for it, the rest of your life, if you do not, now, take back control. See, if you don’t love you, really no one else can. You must first begin to seek happiness within yourself. You are young enough to change it all right now. Do not be discouraged, you can and will do this.

You are highly intelligent, very perceptive, a bit on the pessimistic side but an over all fun person. You are of more value than you anticipate. Stop bleeding yourself and begin to realize that the expectations you’ve set or rather, your views on how things should be are based not on fact but the kind of crap tabloids exploit. Especially girls, tend to fall into this trap. Be real, be you and just be the best you, you can be. Begin to re-evaluate your perceptions and values and beliefs. What other people think does not matter and you must always remember this. Otherwise, fold your cards and sit in a closet. Is that what you want?

You are on the cusp of becoming an adult, a real woman. I want to see you survive the bullshit society places, the unreal expectations, on a woman. Become assertive and sure of yourself. Take no prisoners. Give no crap, take no crap but most of all believe in yourself.

Begin a study of yourself. Then, do your homework. Start by reading some posts on Empowerment and begin to apply it to you. I have, approximately 36 posts, which speak of empowerment, practices and advice. Read as many as you can, take what you can from them and begin to heal yourself. Begin to become the woman, I believe you can be. This is your answer and all other things will begin to fall into place. You owe this to yourself and don’t you ever forget it!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Wildflower

Dear Aunt Babz,

There’s a really cute older male co-worker I’ve talked to online outside work. We had flirted and everything and even talked about having sex together. I backed out of having sex because I got scared (I’m still a virgin, he isn’t). He understood when I told him I changed my mind. Anyway, I want to ask him to a movie with me, but am afraid he’ll say no. I think about him A LOT and really want to hang out with him. Thanks in advance.

Dear Friend,

You’ll never know, unless you ask, right? In cases such as these, you must try not to over analyze. It is however, a good thing to put things into perspective. What I’m referring to, “Putting things into perspective” can always be used, in everything you do, every situation, where the outcome is uncertain and you have anxiety, as to how things will unfold.

OK, this is what you do; You ask yourself, what is the worst thing, the worst case scenario, what could, would or can happen? You’ll possibly say that he’ll say no, to your invitation? Now, you must learn to live your life, realizing that you can not make someone have matching emotions. You must always anticipate that a person has a different opinion, outlook on life and the possibility is there, that he does not think about you, as you do him, right? But let’s look at this and put it into perspective…

If you ask him to the movie and he says no, it will not kill you, now will it? There is the possibility that your feelings may be hurt. Then, the next thing you’ll probably do is tell yourself that there’s something wrong with you and this is why he has said no.

Look in the mirror and see you, who you really are and be honest with yourself. If you are honest with yourself, you’ll see a cute young woman with strong beliefs, a woman with backbone and no, you are not beautiful. I’m sorry if you thought you were. But you are not. (By the way, neither am I!)What you are is a very attractive, sporty looking sprite, who’s fun, has a genuine laugh, is loyal and when you love, you love very deeply. You are quiet until you get to know someone and are a bit on the shy side. You don’t have a lot of friends because you quite honestly don’t care for all the gossip, competition and games girlfriends tend to play. No, you are too serious for this drivel. Yet you do have a quirky sense of humor. You are the real deal and although you don’t care much for the “Dress Up” game, you do shine and clean up well. There’s a side of you that thinks you are not attractive and it can and has hindered you. But the facts are, that you are attractive. You do not belong to the Popular Club, in school or at work and never really did. This is/was not because people dislike you. No, people do like you, when they get to know you but until then, they are indifferent. Why is this? It is because you are not a loud mouth, boisterous bimbo. You are, in all actuality, the kind of woman, a guy sees as “Marrying Material.”

Yes, there are the “Trophy Chicks”, the “In Betweens” and the “Marrying Material.” See the beautiful bimbo is sought, when a man is young, dumb and you know the rest. He wants to be seen with this gorgeous girl but rarely does he take her home to meet Mom. Those girls that are within the popular circle but in between, tend to marry and divorce, very quickly. But it is the girl, every guy really wants that has backbone, isn’t a sex hound, hasn’t been with all his friends, has values and morals, isn’t a loud mouth and he actually respects enough and is not ashamed of, that he’ll take home to Mom. You are that girl.

Now, in the eventuality that this fella tells you no, you will not take it personally. You will look in the mirror and see that you are a rare breed, a treasure for Mr.Right. He just wasn’t Mr.Right.

Don’t worry Dear, you will not grow old by yourself, surrounded by cats. Be yourself, be real and don’t change a thing. A certain fella, is gonna see you and he will cherish you, like he would a… Wildflower found in the snow.

Happy Holidays,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!