“What’s The Rush Here?”

Dear Aunt B,

Hello Readers,

I been dating this girl for 3 months. She tells me she is in love with me and that she loves me. We have great sex. I just found a letter to her friend Josh saying that any girl would be lucky enough to have him. Then she said that she was sorry she missed his call on Sunday and she felt like crying because she didn’t get to talk to him and she misses him. Josh just left to the army for training. She also told him about me having a feeling that I knew how much she love him and that I was jealous. Which yes I am jealous because she is my girlfriend and she is in love with two different people with is not far to me. Josh is also in love with my girlfriend.

I asked her about Josh and she said she did not love him. I know she lied because the letter said other wise. Josh knows about me. at the end of the letter he wrote I love you and she wrote I love you so much much much much much. She has never lied to me till now.

She wants me to move in with her but I am not sure because of how she feels. I love her and if I lose her it is going to be hard for me. We spend all day together. All my time is for her. I know she thinks about him when I am around. She is not with him because she feels like he can do better then her. I feel like she lied and cheated on me. I cannot trust her. I do not want to confront her about the letter because I went through her stuff to find it.

Now my question is what should I do? If stay with her what is going to happen when he comes back? Should I give her some space? What should I do?!? Should I move in? Should I just walk away? Should I try to make her happy? Should I just forget about the letter?

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Dear Please Help,

Well My Dear, it sounds like she’s a bit wishy washy, if you ask me. I mean, well hell, I’m just gonna say it; If she says these things behind your back, in other words, in this intimate letter to him, can you, will you ever be able to really trust her feelings and emotions completely?

In an earlier writing, from a gentleman in a similar situation, I gave the advice;

All’s Fair in Love and War

Possibly read this and it may help you as well. Rarely do we get the inner working of a woman’s mind as you have. I am referring to the letter you read. I would take it rather seriously, if I were you. No she’s not cheating on you but she comes a close second.

See, my concern is with the honesty in this issue. She is not being honest with you, and you already know this. Is that not enough to send up red flags and/or some sort of hesitancy? It would for me and I can only say that I would stay on the side of caution.

Quite frankly, I have to wonder, really, “What’s the rush here?”I mean, if I were you, I might hesitate to move right in with her. Now, nothing says she does not have real feelings for you and it is possible to love two men at a time. People do it all the time, do they not? But for real, is this the type of woman that you want, the kind that gives you half her heart?

My Advice; Slow your row, watch and wait, feel it out. As time passes, she just might give you all of her heart. Again, you have to ask yourself; Are you willing to invest in such uncertainty? You seem to have a forgiving heart but my concern is that, while she has every right in the world to say whatever she wants, i.e., that she does not love Josh, her own words say otherwise. Basic Training does not last forever and he may be back. So, you must ask yourself if you should invest your own heart, time, etc., with a woman who has been less than honest. Only you can answer this.

Again, I urge you to slow things down a bit and feel for the real deal!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

A Good Reason

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Dear Aunt Babz,

Of lately everything that could go wrong has.. Ranging from a love triangle between my parents and another partner to the demise of what is supposed to be one of the happiest of moments. As of now I’m 18 years old still in high school and I got a great job at a dental tech lab. I also have a wonderful fiancée who is just as stressed as I am.

To start from the beginning of the mess, lets begin with me parents. There has been a very strange relationship between my mom and step dad and my moms partner Vickie. It seems almost every three months my mom switches around who she wants to be with and results in repacking what I just unpacked and move. So far we have moved between 2 houses at least 6 times. Because of this there has been a sense of insecurity always with me not knowing were im going to be sleeping the next day. I cant move out due to the fact im in school and because i don’t want to leave my mother do to the fact that she is for the most part blind. She has a eye disease called stargarts which is the deterioration of the retinas in your eyes. I feel trapped obligated to take care of her. Don’t take me wrong I love my mother its just I want to live my own life.

To add on to things my fiancé’s parents did a complete 180 on what the told me…

In a way im am partial to tradition so I asked Kelly’s parents for there blessing which they did give me along with the talk. But when the time came around in which I asked Kelly her parents flip flopped on us and gave the exact opposite reaction we were expecting. Both and me and Kelly were hurt by this and have no clue why they reacted so. I know we are still young but we have been best friends for 5 years and together for 2 years and in my opinion she is the one. A lot of people say we are to young but 9 times out of ten so were they including Kelly’s parents. All I wanted was for them to be happy for us but that doesn’t likely to happen. We even told them we were going to wait a year after high school to get more established but that wasn’t good enough.., they wanted us to wait three.

Also her parents control her life and what she does 9/10 out of the time and give her little independence. I keep on trying to get her to spread her wings but they are bounded by her parents controlling influence.

I am very sorry that this is most likely a wii bit scattered but any advice on these problems would mean the world to me and and Kelly.

Sincerely,

Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I consider it a gift, this thing I have? I prefer to call it, “The Art of Intuitiveness.” I wish like hell I’d paid attention to it, through out my life but more often than not, I didn’t listen.

I can look back and see that in every instance where I did a dumb thing, took the wrong turn, made the wrong choice, I was told not to do it. Of course, I did it anyway.

We live, we learn and then hopefully, we laugh like hell about it. You have the gift as well, did you not know? You must learn to listen, fine tune it, reign it in and begin to use it to your advantage. My gut instinct, what came to mind as I read your letter, were the words,

“All things happen, in your life, for a reason.
A Good Reason.”

It would serve you, all the days of your life, if you remember those words. Now, I’m quite sure your dilemma does not sit well with you, especially concerning the fact that you tried to do everything by the book, so to speak, only to be shot down. It’s liable to be frustrating, I would imagine?

Patience is certainly not a virtue in youth. For that matter, it is rare for most people to have patience, no matter the age. But I can only recommend that you find this virtue and remember that it won’t be long and you’ll be on your own. Or at least you’ll be of age and can make your own choices.

It’s easier said than done but if I were you I’d begin to concentrate on your short term goals, for the moment. Leave the long term goals alone, come what may.

I think it’s an honorable position for you to want to make Kelly your wife. I do believe because you did do everything right, by going to her parents and asking for her hand in marriage, it must have stung, even harder when they changed their position, right?

I think what I am trying to say, is to simply re-think your strategy. Once you graduate, in possibly, a few short months, you might re-approach things.

For now, as I stated before, look at the short term goals; Graduation etc. If you are going to stay at your present employer, as in, is this going to be your main source of income then you must ask yourself, if this will sustain you, can you make a living in this position.

Whether you realize it or not, time is on your side. Use this time wisely to scope out a plan of attack, for better words. What I am referring to is the fact that if you were to marry this lovely girl tomorrow, where will you both live? In this present position, do you make enough or will you, given the opportunity of full time employment as/at the dental tech lab?

Again, time is on your side and this will afford you to take things slowly. I do realize that you love her so much and want to plan out the rest of your lives together. But you also want to do it right. Why do you say this Aunt B?

Well, it’s a fact that those that rush into marriage or the ones that are thrown into the situation because of, perhaps, pregnancy, well, the divorce statistics speak for themselves. Now, I know you don’t/can’t foresee this every happening to you especially because you love her so very much. But shit happens and two people often grow apart. The chief reason that most people fight is, believe it or not; Money.

Now, I know for a fact that you, Mr. Tyler are rather intelligent and for the most part, you have thought this thing through. I don’t assume that you’ve not played the tape out, “This is Your Life,” from beginning to end. But when I say that time is on your side, the approach I want you to take is for a good reason; I want you to be afforded every advantage, no surprises and the makings of a wonderful life.

By planning things out, you will be on top of the program and better equipped to deal with those calamities. And they will come, I guaran damn tee ya. But this approach I am speaking of is going to work to your advantage. It’s just a matter of how you perceive things.

Take back, even if it’s in your own mind, control of your life. It really is a perspective, an exercise in empowerment to say to yourself, “Well OK, they told us to wait and I will use this to my advantage.” See, let go of being pissed off about it or being angry at your situation. By the way, your situation, the way your home life has unfolded, will steel you for your future. Yes, it all is happening for a good reason!

See, the strategy I am looking at is you have to realize the “what if’s,” of your future situation. What if Kelly gets pregnant? Even if you are not planning a pregnancy, even with birth control or a condom, accidents happen. This changes the variables tremendously and you must be ready.

The hardest thing, in this life, is to find out that your partner, who you thought you knew, does not handle, very well, the slaps that life hands out. You must calculate the unforeseen, the element of unknown, the monkey wrench in the works.

I know you want it all to happen right here, right now. Good grief, you love Kelly so much that every minute apart is painful. She feels the same way about you, you are her best friend, which by the way is the best thing you’ve got going for you.

Just for the record, the longest lasting relationships are/were ones where the couple were friends first. Where they planned out their future,

There is a longer list for the least lasting relationships.
That list goes on and on, primarily starting with situations where money issues were prevalent, it being the number one reason for break-ups and divorce. I believe the next might be where two people, so in love, they tested the waters, had sex, got pregnant only to find they weren’t ready for that responsibility. The strain of it all led to constant fighting which ultimately led to the break-up. I mean, it’s a huge responsibility to, not only pay for a pregnancy and raise a child but to do it without fighting is extremely difficult.

Fighting fair is important as well. When the shit hits the fan and times are tough, couples often tend to blame each other and so on. But if you can not fight fair and say things that hit below the belt, quite often irreprehensible damages come along. A vicious circle then becomes evident causing the couple to call it quits. It’s too far gone, there’s too much pain, it just can’t be repaired.

And I don’t want all this to happen to you, Tyler. So, take this time to plan it all out so you and Kelly have the best possible chance of living the good life. If you can remember my words, “that all things happen for a reason,” you will begin to see the truth unfold, right in front of your eyes!

I wish you both the very best life has to offer…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 1:44 PM

Genuine Savoir-Faire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I’m 19, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we’re more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can’t imagine leaving him. I always thought I’d marry him one day, but I’m scared that I’ll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it’s because I’m not into him like that. I’ve been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that’s not the case at all. We’re still so much closer then just friends. We’re a couple, we just aren’t romantic. We’ve talked about it. He’s trying to slim down. but I’m afraid that it’s not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He’s such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?

Dear Reader,

You two are already like an old married couple, you just don’t have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.

Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?

In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.

Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more…unless…you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.

The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.

Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you “love them,” if you don’t mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.

I actually think it’s a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it’s important to be attracted to your partner.

I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I’d like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of “Affection,” or “Affectionate Behavior.”

Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside…a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;

Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?

It’s certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.

I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.

I’d hope you’ve noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.

As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It’s a conscience effort to please each other. But it’s essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, “the wifely duties.” How gross is that, hah?

I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I’ll ask this simple question, “Are you ever sexually attracted,” meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.

Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.

Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don’t want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!

Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.

The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret…or…hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)

“Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration.”

Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling

If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you’ve done your duty…all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.

My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it’s meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it’s as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, “Oh, we’re going to have sex tonight,” but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.

Maybe, you could both write down why you’d want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro’s and con’s of it. If it’s not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. “I feel this way” or “that way” which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?

Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., “your smile” or maybe, “your laughter” or possibly, “the considerate things you do for me.” So it’s a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.

It’s always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know…you’re doing the “Horizontal Mambo.”

Hoping To Help,

Halena

Affairs of the Heart

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Affairs of the Heart

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I think its a wonderful opportunity to share my love life in a bid to sought advice from you even though my case is not that of physical health but emotional.

I have a situation right now and I need your candid advice on the issue. I am a Born Again child of God and I am 34years.I was not engage until recently. I have had several failed attempt to be engage due to many reasons I can not explain but i guess its not Gods will for me.

This February I got a missed call from a number I am not familiar with, then I called to discover 2 days later that the number belong to my dads colleague in the office. My dad denied having a relationship with this woman 2 years ago even though some of sibling and my mother thinks something was fishing between, in fact he came to my apartment to denial all allegation. I believed him and we all put all of that behind us.

As at the time I called this woman number it happens that her daughter was with her phone, I don’t know she has a daughter that is as old as Tolu (not her real name).I later realize that I gave her mother my number my phone when she visited us during New Year Day. My mother traveled to her home town for the Christmas and New Year that’s why she came at dad’s invitation, because I know my sibling and mum don’t like seeing her around at all.

Anyway, I got talking with Tolu on phone regularly for close to 3 weeks before we later meet. I really like her sense of maturity and manners. She was raised by her paternal grandmother as a good Christian. She is a very well groom and well behave girl. Something in me yawn for her and I later propose to her…..She later accepted my proposal after some resistance that is common with ladies.

My dad approve of my intension and her mum too, however a month later Tolus’ mum called me and told me she wanted to report my dad to me…from her story it happened that truly she was seeing my dad and it no longer a secret.They actually had a misunderstanding and she said she feels she should tell me. She said it would not affect her approval of my relationship with her daughter and she thinks we have our lives to live.

I confronted my Dad and he confess it true I guess he accepted because Tolus mum opened up, I was pained but I didn’t show him. I was pained because if I knew I wouldn’t have ask Tolu out. The truth is I am deeply in love with Tolu and our love grows deeper and deeper everyday. She is completely innocent and I don’t think she will be herself again if the truth is told, she vowed to always love me because I am the one she ever wanted.

My siblings dislike my intention to want to marry her and my mum hated the ideal altogether. However, I have finally found peace with Deborah and I don’t think we deserve to sacrifice our love because of my dad and her mum illicit affair.
What can I do? Please advice.

Lion King

Dear Lion King,

I am not sure, I understand your entire letter? I think this concerns the discomfort, of others, concerning, the possibility, that your Dad had an affair? Is it your Mum’s discomfort, you are concerned with?

My answer to this one, I think is rather quick; if you were my son, regardless, of my own feelings, I would be happy for you. We may not want to call it “selfish” but it is, if your Mum would allow this, past indiscretion to stand in the way, of the affairs of your heart. You had nothing to do, with what your father, has done. This young lady, who so possess your heart, had nothing to do with the indiscretion, either. Why should you both, be punished for it? I mean, while it is possible, that had you known all about this indiscretion, you may not have a approached, or sought after Tolus. But the facts here are that, you did not know, right? Regardless, I think if you are in love, I would be happy for you. Your Mum, may be a bit uncomfortable, at first but she should put her feelings aside, for the sake of your happiness.

My advice would be, to go to your Mum and tell her, it is not in you, to hurt her. You are truly sorry, if this might cause her any pain and that it is not your wish to make her feel bad or dredge up any past. You explain to her, that you love this girl and have asked for her hand in marriage. You then tell your Mum, that you want her to be happy for you and you need her blessings. Tell her to please try to see, that you are so in love.

I think if you just confront the issue, with tact and understanding, all will be well. Try to allow your Mum to see, just how happy this young woman has made you and ask her to share in it. I think it is an uncomfortable subject but I think Mum will try to understand, if you make her see, just how happy, you really are. Ask her if she wants you to be happy? She will answer yes. Then, ask her to try to put her feelings aside and give her undying and unconditional love and blessings. I wish you the best.

I don’t feel that you should feel bad for this. You have done nothing wrong, remember that. But you go to your Mum and you ask for her blessings.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:18 AM Links to this post  

Smell The Cologne

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Smell The Cologne

This was sent to Aunt B via email…
Dear Aunt B,
I love my girlfriend, who is a 38 yr old flight attendant, she doesn’t earn as much money as I do so I have been paying a few bills a month for her first to just help out.. This has now turned into a permanent thing and I am starting to feel that I am being taken advantage of. I gave her an expensive present for her birthday, but on mine, she gave me a birthday card saying she ordered something but it didn’t arrive yet. This turned out to not be true by the way…. I realize she doesn’t have a lot of money but yet she buys presents for her family all the time. Am I being taken advantage of ?

Dear Friend,

My initial reaction or gut instinct is, only if you allow it. I think you must weigh out, if she is being frugal or you’ve given her opportunity to believe that, now she has a crutch and can go and spend what she wants, as you’ll be there to help her out.

But I think, you would not be writing me, if you were satisfied with that relationship? What I mean is this, are her priorities with her family and not you?
It is kind of you, to see that she has no money and could hardly afford a present but dammit, she could not tell me, that for your Birthday, she could not even write you a nice letter, telling you, how important you are in her life and she would give you the world, if she could. Many years, as a young bride, I felt I couldn’t ask my husband for money to buy him a present, with his money. It was our money but you know what I mean. So, every year, I would do something special, cook a nice meal and write a nice letter or I even made cards and coupon books. They were kind of sexy coupons, need I say more? But it is always the thought that counts.

Now, she may have lied, telling you that she ordered something for you, out of embarrassment? Yet, she will give to her family? She may feel that comfortable with you, that she does not feel the need to shine or or or, she’s behaving badly like a good lil golddigger.

I think this comes down to, you assessing your situation. As I said before, it is kind of you, to be helpful but if your relationship was all it should be, you’d not have written me. Possibly, back up and assess things. Maybe you should stop giving her the money or making the payment…a little tough love?

I think, only you can actually weigh this out. If you are not married, you don’t owe her a thing. maybe, it’s time for girlfriend, to wake up and smell the cologne. Back off for a minute. It’s not a power play, if you take back your own control. See what I mean? It is your money, not hers. Imagine this, if you were not there, what would she do? Well, she’d have to live within her means, would she not? It may be a lesson to learn here. That is my gut reaction

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:50 AM 0 comments Links to this post

Polished Perception

Saturday, May 26, 2007

A Polished Perception

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

First I’d just like to start off by saying that I have been in a very good relationship for about 3 ½ years. I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret anything by thinking I am unhappy or really unsure.. Because all I’m really looking for is a little input, blunt, honest input. My boyfriend & I were long distance for most of those 3 years.. However it was a healthy, trustworthy long distance relationship. This past fall he decided he wanted to make things easier and better for us.. He went through a lot of trouble and made the impossible possible to leave his life, family, everything back at home and come move closer to me. He moved here knowing that he wouldn’t be able to see me as much as he expected because we are both attending college full time.. Are still about an hour away and plus things have been hard for me at home. I have the boyfriend that all the friends and family love.. That everyone thinks is so perfect, it is nice however when things are so good to be true.. It causes a little tilt in the relationship to be a nightmare. I’ve learned that by some rocky roads that we have hit. I have never had any trust issues with him, always felt secure and confident about us.. He feels the same. A couple of months ago I started to discover some things.. Long story short– I learned that he lied about silly things, like going out for lunches or hanging out with a group of people (girls included) He has proven to me that it was all innocent. I am not the jealous, crazy type.. I never thought I had to be. I always trusted him to be around whoever whenever and still respect our relationship & vice versa. What hurts me the most is the dishonesty. I will admit.. I have dealt with the situations in childish ways but I am just not used mess up’s and refuse to get used to things like that. I over analyze a lot.. I have discovered that the Lies were all innocent .. And in most cases weren’t technically lies but still he did make decisions that he wouldn’t like done to him. I am certain that he is sorry.. I am certain and feel reassured that I have nothing to worry about in the “ has he been faithful” category. Like a typical woman=) .. I won’t get into detail about things I have done to hurt him that he has forgiven me for .. But I do admit to that & he has always been very forgiving. But my pride tells me that I don’t need to feel obligated to forgive him & that I should consider it something that jeopardized our relationship and leave him.. Because if he cared he wouldn’t Lie.. Or keep things away from me. I am a type of woman who “won’t stand for nothing” with constructive criticism from my close friends I realize that it would be a mistake to break off such a great relationship for something like this.. They tell me I tend to be very protective of myself and shouldn’t let my pride get in my way this time w/ someone like him(they feel this way b/c they know who he is and think I should take into consideration all he‘s done for me and trust they were all honest mistakes, they tell me I need to put my pride down. My gut instinct tells me I’d be silly to leave him.. I am not really even angry at him about the situation anymore, I don’t bring it up. But I do think about it a lot.. And at times I feel that continuing and accepting this will mean I’m “ just another weak woman” for accepting someone into my life who has done this. I’m going to stop right here.. I think I might of made things seem worse then they really are ( I tend to do that) but I just want to make sure I get the most brutal honesty there is out there.

Let me try to elaborate more to familiarize you w/ my relationship & who I am…maybe this seems strange to u that I’m coming to a complete stranger..but i am young & have a strong belief that unbiased opinions could be more reliable than biased..& not sayin that what my family and friends have to say isnt right but from ur feedback u def seem to know what ur talking about..So out of curiousity taking all that i’ve mentioned into consideration & now after the fact .. What would YOU do with the same scenerio, try to put urself in my shoes for a min..how would u handle the situation ?
.. I don’t really know what this says about me(taking-seeking advice from a complete stranger) but hey you seem educated, realistic, sincere & strong-minded. I got that observation just from your comment you left..on my post that I’m somewhat ashamed of. I really think about it now, I don’t know why/how I let myself go as far as posting something seeking advice on the web..but I guess it was my childish side looking for more input on something so minor & i’m leaving a lot of things out that I’ve done or handled things that contribute to the reason I’ve prob become a mess over this..and leaving out things i’ve done to him that are prob just eating at me now.. So I just wanted to elaborate a little more hoping you can give me even more advice in return. See all of this happend months ago & obviously my gut instinct told me I should believe.. with the proof an all that he was faithful, that I never doubted. Neither of us have ever been the jealous types, i’ve never gave him the idea that I had a problem w/ him having female friends. Also another thing.. it seems that a lot of mature adults i went to for advice in healthy relationships don’t consider what he’s done as “lying” b/c well i guess w/ a little digging i happend to find out what i’ve never asked or questioned before. However I refuse to take any of that in–because it still wasn’t right & he agrees. In your comment you mentioned how I should know WHY he lied. When all this happend.. in short, his explanations were that the females in the group were girls who he knew through his guy friends he made in his dorm. & that he was around the girls when he was invited to lunch or dinner a few times as a group of the new transfer college kids that lived on the same floor or would just run into each other & it would happen at random. I completely understood but i was dissapointed; b/c i told him then what is the reason from keeping that information from me. He said he never thought of it that way, and that he knows thats a mistake, he said that he never really knew who would or wouldn’t show up & that it was all a very honest mistake.. that he never realized that maybe it could be wrong,that he never looked at it that way never thought of it in that way.. he was/is sorry. he begged for forgiveness but then told me he understands if i couldn’t forgive him for something as little as this b/c he doesn’t know how else to explain something that didn’t mean anything at all. So basically his reasons why.. were never that he “needed space” or “didn’t want to hurt me” or whatever other cliche things ppl lie about even when it is innocent. I realize that I put much more weight on the issue than there really was,do u agree?..after so many interegating conversations i put him through for it–i could tell. Because I realized that I made it more important then it was, made things mean more thn they really did: so i basically trapped him into apologizing and explaining it as if it were the greatest sin he’s ever committed. A little about me: I am young, almost 20 yrs old, overprotective of myself, perfectionist, refuse to take in negative feelings, never believed in mistakes, over analyze everything, care too much, hypocritical, & I am recently trying to recover from a minor eating disorder(which seems to be a result of all the above personal issues that i have struggled with before my relationship, w/ or w/o him this has been me.. so as u can see maybe A lot of my personal issues/insecurities add to why I felt such betrayal by such childish things(?) & felt that i was maybe degrading myself if i was forgiving.. But I thank you so much & trust, even as a stranger.. you won’t belittle my opening up to you & that you are being honest & I’d really appreciate some more input when you get the chance. Sorry that it might seem a little choppy & Long —

– please reply to this e-mail. thank you

Well, I’ll start at the bottom, of your letter and work my way up. Somehow, I can relate to your letter, completely. Your feelings are real and right. They belong to you and it is what you choose to do with them, that will make the difference.

Your guy told some dumb white lies, that really were inconsequential but lies are lies and we have to wonder what the motive was or is. Maybe he was trying to impress and it backfired on his butt. He feels the sting of that, now, I am quite sure.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with you, as a person, the whole package. I see nothing wrong with your desire for the best. You will be successful in life, by your desires alone. But of course, we are all human and we tend to mess up from time to time. That is why the words forgive and forget were invented. But I feel there is more to this, in your eyes, than a simple premise of forgive and forget. It’s the principle of the incidents.

You may never really know exactly why he did and said what he did or implied. That is really not the important thing here. I have the feeling, he may have tried to make you think. What was he trying to make you think about? Was it to appreciate him because he is a desirable guy or that he is living a life, he wishes he could? I think it is running at the mouth syndrome. Many men are infected with the false bravo bug. But there is a cure for that.

My gut instincts tell me that, you will not settle for any bullshit relationship and that is right. In fact I encourage it. There is no law that says we must marry and be unhappy. But you want it right the first time. Your strict requirements for someone to engage your heart are reasonable but you must remember that men are not mind readers and they often have a need to draw attention to their manlihood. It is an age old practice and he is not any different than any other guy. So, what to do? You must reassure him from time to time. I did not say fluff his ego in a patronizing manner but never take him for granted, even if you are independent enough, that you do not need him. I know this to be true but you can not, turn it on and off when you wish, meaning you have to view a relationship, such as yours, as you let him be the man, you be the woman in the full text of the relationship and you give credit where credit is due. What I mean by that, is that there are always things, we as women need help with. In turn, this world revolves around women and the world would literally stop, if it were not for women. Do you understand what I am saying?

We as women have been put in our place but we need to empower ourselves with the fact that life and population and all things would come to a full stop, if you eradicated women. As well, we must appreciate our men, too. From the little things they do, you know, the unpleasantries in life and so on. I can not put my finger on the complex premise of what I am trying to say here, except to tell you that you do not have to bend or bow, you just have to communicate.

I realize that you do not want to harp on him, about this subject and there’s nothing worse than a nag but obviously, this is still a deep cut and I understand why.

It is my suggestion, that you sit your guy down and you say that you do not want to bring up the past, in the context to squeeze out any more apology. You have forgiven him but you have not forgotten. There’s a reason, it has scored you. You feel a bit of betrayal, understandably. So, you explain that you feel a bit of betrayal. He will probably look at you like, “What the hell are you talking about?” And he may even say or think, “What the hell is the big deal?” This is where you must explain to him, that you expect the very best from the best.

I’d be willing to bet that you are a gorgeous women and I’d further bet, that one half of you knows it and the other half tells you that you are crazy, for thinking that. One half of you knows that you can get whatever it is you want, whether it be a guy, job, degree, whatever. You have an extremely strong personality and are a go getter. So, I think you know that you could have another guy. But you do not want another guy and except for this, group of incidents, he has proven his loyalty. But you expect the best from the best and will not stand for anything less. You need to tell him this. Then you need to stand firmly on the fact that you will, can and should show him that’s what’s good for the goose, is always good for the Gander with a capital “G.”

You point out to him, that he must always remember this. It is this conversation, which will mold and shape your relationship. Sometimes, a fella just needs his gal to take him by the hand and show him the world. You will and can do this and remind him that behind every good and great man, is a powerful woman, one who realizes and is fine being a woman, loves being in her own skin and has the understanding that your man, is your equal, regardless of physical attributes.

He in turn must also realize this. You are his equal and for whatever reason, that he is attracted to you, it has to be more than your good looks. He knows this and I do think he has a few insecurities. You must assure him that in your eyes, he is “The One” and you do not see anything else. So he needs to stop trying to make you think or appreciate him or playing any other games he might think up. You will not tolerate it because you do not have to. You must say this in an assertive way, matter of fact but in a loving manner.

You must also explain to him that you do not need him but that you want him. You point out, that there is a distinct difference. In order for things to work, in your world, the most important thing, is complete and total honesty. It is only through this, that trust, a variable that is paramount to every healthy relationship, grows and becomes second nature.
You must be able to trust his emotions, as well as handing him your heart. I believe you are a woman, of a higher caliber and will not and refuse to hand the keys to your heart to just anybody. Actually, he does not even realize that he is a lucky guy. There must be something about him that has entertained and played your heart strings all this time. Am I right or what?

No, he’s not real good looking, not bad looking either. I think, he is a well rounded package and you want to keep it that way. He needs to appreciate the fact that you are a deep thinker but your love is deeper than most women. When you love, you love with every fiber of your being and you, indeed, are a rare breed. You are for real, you play for keeps and will kick the crap out of anything that stands in your way. You are the kind of woman that wears a Bitch Belt proudly but you simply want things to be right, not partly right but every little bit, every nook and cranny, every niche, polished, proudly.

You tell your guy that you will wipe the slate clean. But you want complete honesty from this moment on. You have chosen him because of his attributes and even the littlest of lies, tarnishes that. More importantly, I do believe, that he does not understand that, you not only love him but you respect him. You hold him in the highest regard and telling the smallest of lies, takes away from that. It’s that damn simple, that’s it and that’s all. Now, you lean over and kiss him and whisper in his ear;
“Never again, should you tarnish that polished perception, I have of you, in my very soul.”

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:15 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: Aunt Babz Bitch Belt, Empowerment, Personal Relationships, Realistic Goals

Something to Think About

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Something To Think About

This fellow, contacted me concerning his blog, One Million Love Messages. Do we ever have enough love? Do we say enough, realizing it may be the last time or opportunity to express how we truly feel, about all the people that we hold dear? I think not. If we began to live our lives, as if it was our last day and said what needed to be send, mended what we could, apologized for the pain we may have caused, our world, our lives, may be just a little brighter. You just might see, people with real, genuine smiles on their faces. Something to think about, huh?

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 10:07 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: One Million Love Messages, Something to Think About