That Woman

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi there, I’m writing to you out of complete frustration. I wonder if you can offer any advice. I have been with a guy for a year now, and we are living together with three other mutual friends from university.

Me and my boyfriend had an argument about 4 days ago now, after a week of me being an utter bitch (I was feeling really unusually rough due to a period of pms).

I am usually an assertive and sometimes touchy/stressed person anyway. This boyfriend of mine has now said that although he loves me he doesn’t want to go out with me anymore because we have had a couple of arguments like this before and then got back together again.

I can completely understand what he is saying but I care about him so much and still feel that we have so much going for each other. This is driving me insane, leaving me crying myself to sleep and waking up crying.He says that he feels exactly the same yet says that I will be unable to change his mind.

I’m just looking for some advice I suppose. Other than that, I am just laying in bed 24 /7 bawling my eyes out and trying to find some other reason for living.

Thank you,

A girl who regrets xx

Dear Regrets,

First let me say, you can never place all your eggs in one basket, in one person. No, you must be whole, within yourself. I do know that it makes no sense, especially now, when you are devastated. But what I mean is that you must be a whole entity, on your own. A fraction of a person, does not equate. Yes, it’s simple mathematics. 1+1 equals 2, not 1/2 plus one. No, this may not make sense, till the end of this…

My advice to you is going to be two fold, two different perspectives and angles. Take from both and blend it. As you read this, only take what applies and look at it all as a whole, ok?

My point is that, first, you must get up, get outa bed and get showered. Then, you must look in the mirror. Look long and hard and assess yourself. Do you think you ran this fella off with your nagginess??? <—(new word, I just made up) If you answered yes, to that question, then you simply need to be aware of it. You need to improve on it, work on holding your tongue, being assertive but not naggy. I don’t think naggy is a word but you get my meaning, right? Always try to put yourself in the other persons place. Always put the shoe on the other foot. What I’m trying to say is that you must look at your behavior, what you say or don’t say, as a woman. Be responsible with your tongue. Now, I’m not accusing you of running this guy off. I’m asking you, if you did? If you did and there’s no return, all you can do is live and learn. If he did leave because of your nagging, your PMS ish behavior, you first need to look at it all, collectively. Then, you improve upon it and most of all forgive yourself. Yes, we must do our very best to live without regret. We must try to realize that all things happen for a reason. Absolutely all things happen for a reason. Crying over spilled milk will get you nothing but puffy eyes. Now, don’t think I am cold hearted or unfeeling. I can tell you are devastated. In your defense, my dear, I must question the very fact that this guy left in the heat of it all. Yep, if ya can’t stand the heat, get the hell outa the kitchen. Maybe, he didn’t have what it takes? Maybe, he’s not the one? Maybe, he needs to question himself and if he used it as an easy out? I place those questions in your lap.

Now, walk with me. We’ll take a walk down the Rite of Passage. It is a path from girl to woman. Remember these words and hold them close;

From this moment on, you will be responsible with your tongue. You will no longer say foolish things. You will think before you speak. You will not be aggressive with your words. You will look at your words before you speak them. You will no longer speak irrationally. If you have nothing mature to say, you will sit quietly. When you do have something to say, you will make your point in an assertive manner. You will always realize that what you have to say is important and not drivel because you’ve left the drivel back at the beginning of this path. You will keep quiet when you have nothing important to say and you will see that it is the girls who run off at the mouth. Yes, the women have noteworthy speech. You will begin to see the difference between the talk of a girl and the speech of a woman. A woman does not nag. No, she calculates her words. She weighs them out and does not speak like a fool. She’ll make her point, only because it is important. Otherwise, she will remain quiet. A woman is responsible for/with her tongue, her language and how she carries herself. You are now this woman .

Let me make it very clear to you that I am not a feminist. I am not “I am woman, hear me roar.” What I am is a woman that believes in equality, in fairness, Just behavior and an assertive stance. I am also a woman who holds her head up and will survive. Yes, I wear a Bitch Belt. That means if I feel I need to say something, come hell or high water, I’m going to say it. But But But, I think before I say something. I stumble and I fall, just as you have. It took me years to get here, to have this understanding. I know my downfall as a girl, it was to run my mouth and I was/had/did idle chatter. Now, pay attention to the talk of girls. They’ll say just about anything and in turn, they’ll be perceived as bimbo ish. Their opinion will not be valued. Men will treat them without respect.

If per chance, this relationship does not work, you will learn from it. You will step away with dignity and a keen sense of wisdom because of it. The next fella that comes your way, will immediately have a sense of respect for you, as he will see the difference.

Hold your head up and be that woman.

Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 27:15 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike; (NASB ©1995)

Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.

con·ten·tious play_w(“C0599100”) (kn-tnshs)adj.

1. Given to contention; quarrelsome. See Synonyms at argumentative, belligerent.

2. Involving or likely to cause contention; controversial

vex play_w(“V0080100”) (vks)

tr.v. vexed, vex·ing, vex·es

1. To annoy, as with petty importunities; bother. See Synonyms at annoy.

2. To cause perplexity in; puzzle.

3. To bring distress or suffering to; plague or afflict.

4. To debate or discuss (a question, for example) at length.

5. To toss about or shake up.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Que Sear Sera

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Que Sera Sera

Dear Aunt Babz, Alright, here goes. There are two boys in my life at this point in time. My best friend Trey, and my friends with benefits Aaron. I have had feelings for my best friend for quite a while now, and have told him this, and he has declined my request to be more. He thinks now that I have lost these feelings, but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m not a very beautiful girl, and in realizing that, I understand that I won’t get many men to like me. Aaron says that he has these feelings for me, but when he told me this, I had no such feelings for him, but to give it a shot, and perhaps because I would like him in time, I took it to a instinctual level and told him that we could try friends with benefits for a while. During this time Trey has been sending me all together extremely confusing signals, that I can not distinguish between, him actually sending me signals to further our relationship, jealousy signals, or myself just hoping beyond belief that he wants something more. He will do things such as, wrestle with me, smack my rear end, let me lay on him, and say things such as “So you’re sleeping with me tonight right?” and “Now give me one wish” <>
Dear Confused,

I hope this doesn’t arrive too late. Because of the Holidays, I did not get to this and I do apologize. I’ve had company and my oldest son, Lee (Soulseer) is here, visiting from out of town. Even if it is too late and you’ve found yourself squeezed into doing something, you really didn’t want to do, we can still find some semblance of sanity in all this. Oh, and by the way, this is not annoying and I can totally relate.

I hope you are open enough, to allow this post, this message, this personal answer to you, to sink in, deep within your psyche. My hope is for you to digest it and use it as a teaching tool. My hope is for this to empower you. I want you to read it and re-read it, print it out and always keep it. I am going to tell it like it is, I may get graphic and I hope you are ready, willing and able to breathe it in…

First off, I’d love to be right there to smack your hand, for thinking that and I quote, “I‘m not a very beautiful girl, and in realizing that, I understand that I won’t get many men to like me.” I wish I had an Aunt Babz who’d have smacked me right in the kisser, when I said the same thing.

I felt rather ugly growing up and did a lot of things, in the name of love, in search of someone to love me. I didn’t say no, could be, quite often, a people pleaser. It was primarily/mainly guys and I may have even had a reputation, all because of it. I’m quite sure I was brought up and talked about, in men’s rooms and so on, more than once. Guys do so love to brag about what they tapped and conquered, now don’t they? It was a different era and the 70’s were a time of,”Free Love,” but the song remains the same. Guaranteed. “Don’t be a Babz.”

It took me many years, many relationships and even one night stands to realize that if a guy really cares, he won’t pressure you. He’ll talk smack, add a dab of innuendo(i.e. what Trey has been doing) and most certainly make a move but he’ll know that no means no. Being a tease is not healthy, either. Girls that walk around with their thong hanging out, just as an example, can’t understand the depth of implication and the signal they are sending. They know what they’re doing but at the same time, see it more innocently than it actually is. They tease and it’s not right, it’s not fair and often find themselves in bad situations. Get my drift?

In all actuality, almost all guys want sex, it’s how they are hardwired and they think about it constantly. Quite often, they will tell you, what they think you need to hear, whisper sweet nothings, and whoops it’s all over as quick as you can open the condom wrapper.(Condoms are a must. Don’t think it won’t happen to you. It happened to me, both pregnancy at 16 and Hep C).

Guys love the hunt, the thrill of the kill, the conquest. Not all guys are like this but I sure met my share, enough to form an educated opinion, not to mention that I have three, testosterone permeating sons, of my own and yes, they tell me everything, even if I don’t wanna know. Yes, I get the how, when, what and why’s of it all.

I am telling it like it is, G-Friend. And, and, and, you’ll be lucky if they call you back because, quite often, they just wanted to get in your pants. You seem to have self control but your thinking may cause you to do things that are not conducive to a healthy and happy lifestyle. Don’t fall into that same nasty trap/trip, I did. You will have a hard time looking in the mirror, the next morn. Eventually, you may stop looking in the mirror. I know I quit, for many years!

Now, I’m gonna tell you something, it’s an old saying and I hope you don’t think I am calling you this, it’s not to be taken literally but take it as it’s intended;

“There’s a dog for every dog.”

What that means, is that even if you were the ugliest chick in the land, even if you were a Fiona, there’d be a Shrek (I think he’s hot anyway)out there, just waiting to love you. Never be desperate, never think desperate. You are wrong for feeling desperate. You have desperate thinking right now. We must stop this and put things into perspective. No more desperation. Say it with me…

See, I remember what it’s like to be a teenager and so on, (I just can’t remember yesterday, hahaha!)and I sure remember, my thoughts, feelings and so on. I guess I’m saying, I can relate. Yea, I’m 48 but don’t ya know that my sons, daughter-in-laws and their friends, call me, always invite me to their parties and want me around. It’s hell to be so popular, hahaha! (I am crazy and amuse them, probably)I guess, what I’m saying too is, in some respects, I think, very young, I’m still young at heart, I suppose? Really, who wants to grow up, anyway? That’s overrated, as well.I know where your head is at and there is an answer, if you’ll only believe, if you’ll take this and run with it.

First, let me commend you on keeping your virginity, as long as you have. In this day and age, it’s almost unheard of. Hopefully, you’ve not broken that record but if you have, it’s never too late to say no, the next time, ok? Far be it from me to throw stones, either, understand?

Sex is so over rated. I mean, sure, I’ve done more than my share, your share and Britney Spear’s share. But back in the day, back when I was a teenager, it was quite rare for any guy to even remotely try to please you, first. It was rarely gratifying. No, it was more of a wam bam and not even a thank ya ma’am. Let me also point out that there’s a huge difference between making whoopie and making love.

I know all about peer pressure, hell I think even into my 30’s, I’d done things because of peer pressure. Some things I was not proud of, I was a bad bad girl but we must try to live without regret, ok?

Sometimes, writing these posts makes me crazy, as I have so much to say to you. It’s often times difficult to put it all down. I’d love to know that you’d read as many posts, written with the tag, “Empowerment,” from my sidebar. It is all you need, a good ol’ dose of empowerment and thinking. You need to build your self-esteem!

For now, I am putting your situation aside. It’s actually not the important part of this message. We need to work on you and all other things will fall into place. Yes, ” Que sera sera, whatever will be will be.”

Life is what you make it. How you carry yourself, is detrimental. I’ve never met you in my life but I will tell you like it is and it all starts with honesty, honesty with yourself. Once you are utterly and savagely honest with yourself, once you can look in the mirror, see yourself for who you truly are, it is then and only then, that things will change.

Now, you look in the mirror and you see someone who’s not the epitome of a Movie Star, don’t you? You have been brutally honest with yourself, I know this but you weren’t able to put things into perspective. I’m no beauty queen, either but you have not been fair to yourself. No, you must learn to love yourself, be friends with yourself before you can love another, truly love.

Remember this; Whomever you choose as your life long mate, must be your best friend first.

We all have flaws, even the most beautiful people. Always remember this, as well; If you are looking for fault, you will find it.

Yes, you have looked for fault, within yourself but you failed to look for what is right, good and choice. You are not an ugly woman, I know this. You feel ugly and this is what you portray. If you do not stop this mentality, for the rest of your life, people, will see you this way. People will only see, what you want them to see. No, you must accentuate the positive, work with what God gave you and learn to shine, from within. Now, you may think this is a crock o’crap but what I give you are words to live by, words and thinking that will empower you.

Yes, you need some Behavioral Modification to the 9th power. I will tell you this much, as I said before, I am not a pretty woman but when people meet me, they remember me. Why is that Babz?

Because some of us are not born beautiful, we must work a little harder in accentuating the positive, as I said. Some of us have to get up in the morning and apply our make-up a certain way, to hide the freckles of life, as I do. Some of us don’t have that natural beauty, you know the one the world seems to judge you by. Those people are fake anyway and never fake the funk for them, ya heard? No, you be you and let them be them.

Because some of us are not born beautiful, we must allow our personalities to speak for us. When I walk into a room, they are never going to look at me and say, “Good God, she’s drop dead gorgeous.” I have found a place to live with that. Never cry over spilled milk, never cry over what you can not change. When I leave that room, they will have met a person who is witty, funny, not egotistical but real, assertive, grounded, a good and loyal friend, an all around humorous person who is positive, for the most part. Yep, you get what you see with me. You must also be that person.

You must begin with acceptance of yourself, who you are and then begin to be who you can be, all you can be. Work with what you have and stop looking for fault in yourself. Take notice of how you look for fault, in/at yourself. See, if we are looking for fault, in anybody, we will find it. You will find it in Aaron, if you choose and you have and you will even find it in Trey, if you look for it. This applies to anything and everything. It applies in your marriage, in/with your husband and so on. In example, I’m sure you’ve fallen head over heels in love, when you were a kid or even not that long ago. At first, you don’t see their faults, as you don’t choose to see them, right? All of a sudden, even with Aaron, you begin to see things in them, notice their faults, maybe even look for them. It then leaves a bad taste in your mouth and you break up. Any relationship can and will work, if you do not look for fault. Understand?

Now, back to you. Once you have been brutally honest with yourself, see your faults, then look for the good, the positive and you must strive to see it, you must then strive, really work to make the positive your persona. If you have bad habits, if you are really over weight, if you are a negative person, you look at it and you do your best to change it. You must not allow it to over whelm you, this change. Too many girls are out there, Anorexic puking their guts out, ruining their teeth and developing an Esophageal Varices, all in the name of losing weight because of unreal expectations. I have first hand knowledge, concerning this, as this was me.

You are angry, in your life, about something, (that’s between you and me, I won’t be specific)and you must do your best to get it out of your system. You must cut it out like a cancer because it will eat you alive. Anger kills and whatever it is you are angry about, you must begin to realize that you are the one that suffers for it. No one else, just you. When that happened to you, a few years ago, it wasn’t your fault. You go from anger to shame, from anger to guilt and back again. Let it go. You can’t change it you can only own it and yourself. You can’t erase the past, you can only rise above it.

The people who should be important in your life are those that appreciate you, for you. If they do not have the depth to see you, the real you, they really don’t matter. If they are the type that will look at you, for surface beauty and judge you, in that capacity, why would you even want to give them the time of day?

There will always be people who are that way, you know fake, plastic seekers. The guys that want the “Trophy Chick,” on their arm, will often find, that they’re not anything more than, something to look at. Perception is everything, for some men and they do often seek that Playgirl pinup. But the important factors in any relationship, is not sex. Sure, sex makes the world go round but a relationship it does not make. Meaning, after the lovin’, if you have nothing to talk about, nothing in common, no friendship to speak of, there are too many hours to fill. In the real world, a sexual session, for no better terminology found, does not last that long. For real, there’s no making love for hours upon hours. It rarely lasts that long, hell it rarely lasts more than minutes. So, if you just burned 1 out of 24 hours, what will you do next? Yes, that leaves 23 hours with this person. What will you talk about, if you have nothing in common?

Having said all this, your question in general is answered, almost by itself, within the scope of your low self esteem issues. I don’t know who did this to you or why but it is clear to me that you do not believe in yourself. You will suffer for it, the rest of your life, if you do not, now, take back control. See, if you don’t love you, really no one else can. You must first begin to seek happiness within yourself. You are young enough to change it all right now. Do not be discouraged, you can and will do this.

You are highly intelligent, very perceptive, a bit on the pessimistic side but an over all fun person. You are of more value than you anticipate. Stop bleeding yourself and begin to realize that the expectations you’ve set or rather, your views on how things should be are based not on fact but the kind of crap tabloids exploit. Especially girls, tend to fall into this trap. Be real, be you and just be the best you, you can be. Begin to re-evaluate your perceptions and values and beliefs. What other people think does not matter and you must always remember this. Otherwise, fold your cards and sit in a closet. Is that what you want?

You are on the cusp of becoming an adult, a real woman. I want to see you survive the bullshit society places, the unreal expectations, on a woman. Become assertive and sure of yourself. Take no prisoners. Give no crap, take no crap but most of all believe in yourself.

Begin a study of yourself. Then, do your homework. Start by reading some posts on Empowerment and begin to apply it to you. I have, approximately 36 posts, which speak of empowerment, practices and advice. Read as many as you can, take what you can from them and begin to heal yourself. Begin to become the woman, I believe you can be. This is your answer and all other things will begin to fall into place. You owe this to yourself and don’t you ever forget it!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:53 AM

Wildflower

Friday, December 21, 2007

Wildflower

Dear Aunt Babz,

There’s a really cute older male co-worker I’ve talked to online outside work. We had flirted and everything and even talked about having sex together. I backed out of having sex because I got scared (I’m still a virgin, he isn’t). He understood when I told him I changed my mind. Anyway, I want to ask him to a movie with me, but am afraid he’ll say no. I think about him A LOT and really want to hang out with him. Thanks in advance.

Dear Friend,

You’ll never know, unless you ask, right? In cases such as these, you must try not to over analyze. It is however, a good thing to put things into perspective. What I’m referring to, “Putting things into perspective” can always be used, in everything you do, every situation, where the outcome is uncertain and you have anxiety, as to how things will unfold.

OK, this is what you do; You ask yourself, what is the worst thing, the worst case scenario, what could, would or can happen? You’ll possibly say that he’ll say no, to your invitation? Now, you must learn to live your life, realizing that you can not make someone have matching emotions. You must always anticipate that a person has a different opinion, outlook on life and the possibility is there, that he does not think about you, as you do him, right? But let’s look at this and put it into perspective…

If you ask him to the movie and he says no, it will not kill you, now will it? There is the possibility that your feelings may be hurt. Then, the next thing you’ll probably do is tell yourself that there’s something wrong with you and this is why he has said no.

Look in the mirror and see you, who you really are and be honest with yourself. If you are honest with yourself, you’ll see a cute young woman with strong beliefs, a woman with backbone and no, you are not beautiful. I’m sorry if you thought you were. But you are not. (By the way, neither am I!)What you are is a very attractive, sporty looking sprite, who’s fun, has a genuine laugh, is loyal and when you love, you love very deeply. You are quiet until you get to know someone and are a bit on the shy side. You don’t have a lot of friends because you quite honestly don’t care for all the gossip, competition and games girlfriends tend to play. No, you are too serious for this drivel. Yet you do have a quirky sense of humor. You are the real deal and although you don’t care much for the “Dress Up” game, you do shine and clean up well. There’s a side of you that thinks you are not attractive and it can and has hindered you. But the facts are, that you are attractive. You do not belong to the Popular Club, in school or at work and never really did. This is/was not because people dislike you. No, people do like you, when they get to know you but until then, they are indifferent. Why is this? It is because you are not a loud mouth, boisterous bimbo. You are, in all actuality, the kind of woman, a guy sees as “Marrying Material.”

Yes, there are the “Trophy Chicks”, the “In Betweens” and the “Marrying Material.” See the beautiful bimbo is sought, when a man is young, dumb and you know the rest. He wants to be seen with this gorgeous girl but rarely does he take her home to meet Mom. Those girls that are within the popular circle but in between, tend to marry and divorce, very quickly. But it is the girl, every guy really wants that has backbone, isn’t a sex hound, hasn’t been with all his friends, has values and morals, isn’t a loud mouth and he actually respects enough and is not ashamed of, that he’ll take home to Mom. You are that girl.

Now, in the eventuality that this fella tells you no, you will not take it personally. You will look in the mirror and see that you are a rare breed, a treasure for Mr.Right. He just wasn’t Mr.Right.

Don’t worry Dear, you will not grow old by yourself, surrounded by cats. Be yourself, be real and don’t change a thing. A certain fella, is gonna see you and he will cherish you, like he would a… Wildflower found in the snow.

Happy Holidays,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 8:10 AM

Labels: Empowerment Advice, Keeping it Real, Personal Relationships

Did You Let Go Of The Reigns???

Friday, October 19, 2007

Did You Let Go of the Reigns???

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,
My problem is that there is this girl who i hate soooo much and she won’t leave me alone,, i cant stand her at all, i mean i hate this girl 2 death, it’s like when ever i c a message from her on friendster or myspace i feel like punching the wall, she ruins my day, and i am not a bad guy, i just want her 2 leave me alone, i have a myspace and friendster account, but she still sends me requests and jokes around even though i hate her with a passion,, i have never felt like this about anyone in my life , i wrote 2 myspace and friendster and they said just delete and block the profiles, but i do this everyday, i delete and she creates more and more, oh my goodness i hate her sooo much ,, i know this is soooo repetitive but like i said i feel like cursing in this email and i am sooo angry because i hate the *itch soooooo much … i dont know what to do,, even if i create another profile some how she always finds me,, u have no idea how hard this is 4 me 2 talk about her without cursing at the *itch,,,, *itch *itch,, i dont go anywhere online 4 example play games like i used 2 or chat because i know she is there all the time, soooooo madddddddddddddddddd,, i hate the *itch,, whats your adivce,, ?

thanks von-el

Dear Von-El,

Somehow, I know where you’re coming from. She grates your nerves, for whatever reason and it’s just making you crazy, right? She tried to contact you and it makes you nuts, you could spit nails, huh?

You will always meet and come across people, who will get under your skin. Let this be a good example of how to deal with this scenario or any others that just might roll down the pike…

This may or may not apply to you but let me point something out; The primary emotion, we allow ourselves, more so than any other is; Anger. I’ve meet people, as I’m sure you have, as well, that are just grouchy, nasty, mean spirited angry people. They’re every where, in nooks and crannies and we’re surrounded by them. Often times, those people will not experience joy, they barely laugh, if at all and they normally do not allow themselves to feel, much less cry. There only real/raw emotion; ANGER.

I happen to have been one of these “Angry” people. In many ways, my hate and anger was all consuming. It is one of the primary accelerators, when I was in the throes of my addiction. Anger kills…

You should take a long, hard look, at what it is, that places you, in that Anger Zone. Is it really her or is it you? I can answer that for you, though. It is you, you must own it and look at it. She may be the most annoying person, in the world but what is it that sets you off? I mean, I can clearly see, from your letter, that this girl gets deep down, under your skin. So, is it her, her persona or whatever? It really does not matter what it is, I simply want you to see if there’s a trigger point there or possibly what it is that spurs you on?

As I stated before, you will come across many, who will make you mad, your cause for mayhem. You will come across more that will set you off, in varying degrees. Every day, you will have cause for celebration or disdain and it is your choice, which you will embrace. All mushy stuff aside, you must learn to look for that cause for celebration, long before you look for the or act upon the disdain.

Yes, anger kills, as I’ve said. It is all consuming, spurs on road rage, hate crimes and the list is endless. On a personal level though, the person, who suffers the most for your anger, is you and you alone. Sure, it may seem gratifying to tell that guy to stick it where the sun don’t shine but it’s you that’s left in the dark clouds.

You must begin to see, that in every situation or instance, every day, you have choices as to how you will react. You must begin to see that you are the one who suffers, the most, when you are angry. But most of all and I must let you in on a little secret; When you become angry at someone else, you have actually given the reigns of power, over to that person, whom you are angry with. Whatever it is, they’re doing, that sets you off, you have given them a certain power over you. Did you realize this? I’d bet my butt, you didn’t cause I just know you’re the kinda guy, who likes to be in control, of yourself and your life.

Taking Back Control

It’s our little secret but I’d sure like to see you take back those reigns, you didn’t even know, you’d handed off. So, what can you do?

Well, my friend, you can begin to realize that every day, in every way, you’ll have choices, as to what will or will not set you off. You must begin to make a conscience effort to stay in control of you. Yes, you can be such a beast but normally, you’re on top of the program. You like things in order, all your ducks in a row and you hate surprises or change. Knowing this, just how you’re set in your ways, you’ll need to begin to incorporate the change, in your awareness, a little at a time. You’ll need to examine your subconscience triggers, what it is that takes you to that Anger Zone.

In all due reality, you could become angry with everybody and anybody, if you allowed yourself. You have little patience for the dumb shit, this I know. But you need to realize that not everybody’s on the same page as you and you need to give a little leeway, have a tad more compassion and begin to realize this very important premise;

Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit

Now, stop looking at this girl, as the foundation for your anger and start looking within yourself. Somehow, I just know, the thought, that you might possibly have allowed someone else, to take your power, will be like a punch in the kisser. But I won’t tell, if you don’t. Take back those reigns!

Keeping It real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:07 AM    

Labels: Anger Managmement, Animosity and Anger, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices

Did You Let Go of the Reigns???

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,
My problem is that there is this girl who i hate soooo much and she won’t leave me alone,, i cant stand her at all, i mean i hate this girl 2 death, it’s like when ever i c a message from her on friendster or myspace i feel like punching the wall, she ruins my day, and i am not a bad guy, i just want her 2 leave me alone, i have a myspace and friendster account, but she still sends me requests and jokes around even though i hate her with a passion,, i have never felt like this about anyone in my life , i wrote 2 myspace and friendster and they said just delete and block the profiles, but i do this everyday, i delete and she creates more and more, oh my goodness i hate her sooo much ,, i know this is soooo repetitive but like i said i feel like cursing in this email and i am sooo angry because i hate the *itch soooooo much … i dont know what to do,, even if i create another profile some how she always finds me,, u have no idea how hard this is 4 me 2 talk about her without cursing at the *itch,,,, *itch *itch,, i dont go anywhere online 4 example play games like i used 2 or chat because i know she is there all the time, soooooo madddddddddddddddddd,, i hate the *itch,, whats your adivce,, ?

thanks von-el

Dear Von-El,

Somehow, I know where you’re coming from. She grates your nerves, for whatever reason and it’s just making you crazy, right? She tried to contact you and it makes you nuts, you could spit nails, huh?

You will always meet and come across people, who will get under your skin. Let this be a good example of how to deal with this scenario or any others that just might roll down the pike…

This may or may not apply to you but let me point something out; The primary emotion, we allow ourselves, more so than any other is; Anger. I’ve meet people, as I’m sure you have, as well, that are just grouchy, nasty, mean spirited angry people. They’re every where, in nooks and crannies and we’re surrounded by them. Often times, those people will not experience joy, they barely laugh, if at all and they normally do not allow themselves to feel, much less cry. There only real/raw emotion; ANGER.

I happen to have been one of these “Angry” people. In many ways, my hate and anger was all consuming. It is one of the primary accelerators, when I was in the throes of my addiction. Anger kills…

You should take a long, hard look, at what it is, that places you, in that Anger Zone. Is it really her or is it you? I can answer that for you, though. It is you, you must own it and look at it. She may be the most annoying person, in the world but what is it that sets you off? I mean, I can clearly see, from your letter, that this girl gets deep down, under your skin. So, is it her, her persona or whatever? It really does not matter what it is, I simply want you to see if there’s a trigger point there or possibly what it is that spurs you on?

As I stated before, you will come across many, who will make you mad, your cause for mayhem. You will come across more that will set you off, in varying degrees. Every day, you will have cause for celebration or disdain and it is your choice, which you will embrace. All mushy stuff aside, you must learn to look for that cause for celebration, long before you look for the or act upon the disdain.

Yes, anger kills, as I’ve said. It is all consuming, spurs on road rage, hate crimes and the list is endless. On a personal level though, the person, who suffers the most for your anger, is you and you alone. Sure, it may seem gratifying to tell that guy to stick it where the sun don’t shine but it’s you that’s left in the dark clouds.

You must begin to see, that in every situation or instance, every day, you have choices as to how you will react. You must begin to see that you are the one who suffers, the most, when you are angry. But most of all and I must let you in on a little secret; When you become angry at someone else, you have actually given the reigns of power, over to that person, whom you are angry with. Whatever it is, they’re doing, that sets you off, you have given them a certain power over you. Did you realize this? I’d bet my butt, you didn’t cause I just know you’re the kinda guy, who likes to be in control, of yourself and your life.

Taking Back Control

It’s our little secret but I’d sure like to see you take back those reigns, you didn’t even know, you’d handed off. So, what can you do?

Well, my friend, you can begin to realize that every day, in every way, you’ll have choices, as to what will or will not set you off. You must begin to make a conscience effort to stay in control of you. Yes, you can be such a beast but normally, you’re on top of the program. You like things in order, all your ducks in a row and you hate surprises or change. Knowing this, just how you’re set in your ways, you’ll need to begin to incorporate the change, in your awareness, a little at a time. You’ll need to examine your subconscience triggers, what it is that takes you to that Anger Zone.

In all due reality, you could become angry with everybody and anybody, if you allowed yourself. You have little patience for the dumb shit, this I know. But you need to realize that not everybody’s on the same page as you and you need to give a little leeway, have a tad more compassion and begin to realize this very important premise;

Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit

Now, stop looking at this girl, as the foundation for your anger and start looking within yourself. Somehow, I just know, the thought, that you might possibly have allowed someone else, to take your power, will be like a punch in the kisser. But I won’t tell, if you don’t. Take back those reigns!

Keeping It real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

You Deserve Better

Saturday, September 22, 2007

You Deserve Better

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…
Dear Aunt Babz,
I am 30, and have had a series of severe, long lasting crushes on men who have not reciprocated. Apart from that, I had a 3 month long relationship which ended in tears (we are still friends though), and a few flings that left me feeling worthless and dirty.

The last crush I had lasted 3 years, and after months of finding lots of ways to be near him, I told him my feelings via SMS. He politely said he was not interested in a relationship, he was only after physical affairs, that he was selfish in relationships, that he waited for women to “fall into his lap” and then he decided what to do with them.

Since then I have tried to be cool and adult about it, but I have ended up feeling worse. Although he is always polite (yet distant), I feel that I am so ugly and fat, he couldn’t even f*** me with a paper bag over my head. He’s said many times, he’s popular with the women, one even bought him a new car recently, that he’s got several on the go right now, and has had many girlfriends in his life. And I don’t even rate as a one nighter. Not even as a friend.

Recently I SMSed him saying I won’t speak to or see him for a while, maybe a few years, because I haven’t got over him yet. He eventually replied that was ok, we’ll talk later. I am still upset over this.

I’ve been reading books on how to get a partner, the strategy seems to be, be young, beautiful and thin, look like you’re having fun, NEVER approach a man, and let him make all the moves. But I’m not good at playing this game, and am despairing that I’ll never find a man, until I have lost 50lbs.

What to do?

Kathleen
Dear Kathleen,

First and foremost, I think you’ve been way too hard on yourself. In addition, I have to question your values and belief systems.

You must do what you can to make yourself feel better, as far as your appearance but it is shallow on anybody’s part to think they are not desirable because of their weight, the level of attractiveness and so on. Now, I am more than aware that this world revolves around good looks and more often than not, we have a messed up standard concerning how women should be; a rail like waif. I do not believe this is a good perception and if I had my way, women around the world would say, “Enoughs enough,” concerning this merit less perception.

Do what you can, to make a reasonable attempt, concerning your weight but the fact that you may be over weight, should never stand in the way of you, as a person. No, you must look in the mirror and see yourself, your soul, as who you really are. If you feel the need to lose weight, then you work on it, you try to limit your eating, maybe get out and walk, only to make yourself feel better. But it must be so you will feel better, not to please anyone else.

This is an extremely touchy subject for me. I feel too much emphasis is placed on appearances and an unrealistic hardship, placed on women to appear a certain way. We ruin our feet, to look a certain way, in high heels and it can be freezing cold and icy out and what are we wearing? A short skirt, high heels and so on. It’s ridiculous and we need to stop it.

I do feel if you begin a reasonable weight lose program, you may feel better, in the aspect of your health but I will say it again; anybody that judges you on your weight is shallow. They are not anyone you need to be with in the first place.

I’m sorry but this guy, you’ve mentioned sounds like one of those shallow people, I just mentioned and for the love of me, I don’t know why you’d want to torture yourself for his unrequited love? You deserve so much better. Say it with me, “You Deserve Better.”

They have a saying, it’s kinda Redneck and I hope you don’t take it wrong but they say, “There’s a dog for every dog.” Meaning there’s someone out there, that will love even a dog, every dog, any dog. What it means is that even if you were a dog, which you are not, there’s someone out there that will love you for you. Real people don’t see fat or a handicap or unattractiveness. True love is blind, deaf, dumb, crippled and crazy. Do you understand? I am not calling you a dog, I am simply pointing out, that the popular, beautiful people are a minority and if they weren’t, everybody’d be considered beautiful, right? I mean there’d be no line drawn, we’d all be considered beautiful and then there’d be no definition or exception for who’s beautiful, who’d not and every level in between. So, the odds are that there’s more real people and your mate is out there.

How you carry yourself, is how you are perceived. How and what, you feel about yourself, just like body language, can be read and is more self-evident that you may realize. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly. If you are realistic and see yourself, as you really are and look at your best qualities and allow them to shine, then that is exactly what people will see.

I have said this, more often than not, but you must use, at your disposal, every tool possible, to begin to empower yourself. It is an exercise in reality, to look in the mirror and assess yourself. One should do this daily. But in all due reality, you must also realize that people, all people have flaws. You have flaws, I have flaws, even the most beautiful people, have flaws. Because of their persona, we choose, for the most part, not to see them. I think the tabloids make such good money because we want to humanize those beautiful people. We choose to look at their flaws because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It is a contradiction, at best. We emulate and want to be just like them, yet we point the finger and say, “Ah ha, look at you Miss Wanna Be Perfect, you’re not so perfect after all.”

Now, you can choose to look at your own flaws and pick at them, or you can choose to see that person, who you truly are, who you truly can be. I can feel that you are actually, a powerful women trapped in a body, you don’t care for. Improve on what you can, begin to hold your head up and carry yourself, as that powerful woman. Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, begin to know that you are the few, the proud, the “Real Women.” Once you do this, you will begin to see the difference.

I have about 30 posts(on my sidebar) on Empowerment and Empowerment exercises. I’d love to see you read, even a few and garner some strength, take what applies and run with it.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 3:04 PM    

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices, Real Women

Pockets

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Pockets

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,
Something of a long story, but will try to get to the point as quickly as I can.

Throughout my life I have always attempted to help people. There are several stories I could tell you, but will just go through the most recent situation. The circumstances of each story are different, but the end result is always the same, so this one story should be enough.

About 15 months ago I met a woman and we quickly became friends. We found a common interest that led us to start a business together. My main role has been to provide the money. It has taken everything I had, and everything I could borrow to get us to where we are today, and that is on the brink of much success. Funny thing is (and it’s really not funny at all), she is now telling me I am too stressed and depressed by all this to be involved in the business. I seem to have “serious problems” that I need to get resolved or I will bring the business down. I am currently considered a liability.

Over this time period, we have supported each other personally, usually ending each day with a phone conversation to recap where the business stood, and to offer each other encouragement for the day to day challenges in our personal lives. Currently, she has stopped all contact and communication until I “get help”. We are not lovers. There is something of an age difference, and many things that would create far too many complications. But we have been (or at least it was my impression) very, very close friends. It now looks as though she wants me out of the picture.

This is a recurring theme in my life, so I have to assume it is something I am doing wrong. People allow me into their lives, take the best I have to offer, then start to move away. People seem to need me, but they don’t need all of me.

What am I doing wrong, and how can I avoid this in the future? It all makes me tired and depressed.

Evan
Dear Evan, Well first, you must do your own assessment and inventory. Is there any merit, at all to what she is saying? If there is, then possibly seek help. It won’t hurt and hopefully, your insurance will cover it. If she is being genuine, then she’s pulling the old, “Tough Love,” trick on you. She figures, you’ll take the initiative to get help, if she makes a stand.

If she has ulterior motives, maybe you should call her on it. Call her on the carpet and tell her that you want to get to the bottom of the beef and you want nothing but the truth. In the business world, we don’t play games like that. But in all due reality, you had an off the books friendship and she felt she had the right, to say what she has said. Correct?

If it were me, I would stand my ground. You have a vested interest in this business situation and if she is trying to get you out, tell her now’s her opportunity to say so, be honest and then, you’ll work on the buyout. Quite honestly, I think her approach is a pretty nasty one, especially if she wasn’t being truthful. It is my gut feeling that this may be what’s happening.

You have become prey to a vulture. You showed her your pink under belly, at some point in time and she’s used that info against you. Pretty under handed, if you ask me. Even if it’s not true that she used a weakness of yours against you and she’s being truly concerned for your welfare, she did not handle it well.

I believe the old adage, “Nice guys finish last,” is a half truth. Patsy’s pay and you ain’t no Patsy, now are you? Yes, you’re a nice guy but you need to stand up, take away the personal aspect of your business relationship with this young lady and put your foot down. I have the feeling that she hurt you, with her little revelation?She knows she did and you’ve now played right into her hand. Don’t let her win. Take the sting out of it, put your business hat back on and get back in there.

It is my suggestion, for future reference, that you keep your heart and your business savvy in two different pockets. They must be separated at all times. See, eventually, there’s gonna come a time, when you either fight with a business associate or partner and if they know what they’re doing, they’re gonna go after what hurts the most. She just proved this scenario. I imagine, in the past, you have expressed that you were depressed or whatever and now, she’s manipulated things, using this against you. Gotta give her credit for trying, huh? But we’re onto her and you will not take it, you will not stand for it and you will draw the line, right here and right now. She’s gone over board, in her right as a friend.

Fire off an email, leave her a message, write her a letter or ask for a face to face meeting, no demand a sit down. Get back in there, call her out and tell her you will not stand for this. Hold your chin high, chest out, your feelings; in your left pocket, your business savvy in your right pocket. Just for shitz-n-giggles, for general closure, ask her what her real problem is and tell her you are not her violin, so she needs to save that for someone else. You tell her that you will do everything in your power to accommodate her but if she is not perfectly honest with you, you will then, pull out all the stops. I don’t what kind of contract and so on, you two have but your posturing must show that you have an ace up your sleeve and you’re willing to play it, if she’s not honest with you. You let he know that she crossed the line, when she brought up your mental health status, in a business situation. You let her know that you will not tolerate her berating attitude, which is exactly what it is. Let her know, from that moment on, you are not friends, merely business associates, as she has abused her end of the deal. Look her square in the eye and ask her if she understands what you are saying? You will not be her patsy, prey or even her boy.Put On Aunt Babz’ Signature Cologne, “Confidence”

Before you go into this meeting, you must have some resolution, concerning how you will end this. As I said, I don’t know what your arrangement is, if you have buy out rights, etc. but have some solution. I want you to walk away, with, if nothing else, your dignity in your breast pocket.

You must do this, for your own well being. You must meet her head on, as if this is the test of all tests. She’s one woman. She’s only human and if you ask me, she does not deserve your respect as a worthy adversary. Remember this. You must be the better person in this but that does not mean, allow her to walk all over you. Take control and do not allow her to own this situation.

Let this be a new beginning. Let this be a proving ground that you will always be a good guy but you will not be anybodies Patsy. You will keep your business and personal feelings in separate pockets, at all times. Then, you will see that nice guys do finish, with dignity in their breast pocket.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 10:22 AM    

Labels: Business Savvy, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices, Respect Factor

Fooling Around Faux Paus

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Fooling Around Faux Paus

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 4 years. All these years we have had financial problems but somehow our love (thought it was) and understanding kept us together. We shared many things, we had same interests, we loved same things. We were almost perfect couple. We were also trying to have a baby. He had kids from previous marriage but we wanted ours. We had everything but in difficult financial situation. Our dreams and hope were our drive. I suffered a lot. Before I married him I used to live in another country, had successful career, secure life. I gave up of all of it for the sake of our love. I moved into his country and started a new life. I was supporting him in all his ventures but somehow we didn’t have much success. He had to travel a lot, I had to stay at home alone. I cried many times but I was hoping it needs a little bit of sacrifice to have better future. I am not one of those jealous women checking on their husbands all the time. I was very flexible with my husband. I thought checking won’t help it, if he wants to do something he’ll do it. But I was so sure he would never cheat on me, exactly for the reason that we have been through that hardship sticking together, and that it even made our relationship stronger. It seemed we didn’t have secrets. A year ago, he had to leave the country for some business. I joined him a month later and stayed there for another month. Things with business did not go well. I had to leave and go to my parents for a while. I came to my parents for a couple of weeks but stayed a year. That business was sensitive and he was hoping he’ll make it. We put everything in stake for that. The time passed, I wanted to come and visit him at least but he was telling me just to wait for a bit longer as we were completely broke. I made a mistake. I suffered a lot and kept waiting. He was always busy but we were in touch all the time. He was telling me that he adores me and miss me like crazy and just to wait for this to finish. A year after I got a letter of his girlfriend telling me that they have been living together all this time. She sent me some of his letters to her telling her that he fell in love with her. My whole world went down. She said that she accidentally found out that he was married. I felt so betrayed, used…..taken advantage of. He tried to call me but I didn’t want to talk to him. His family is devastated, everybody is and they try to reconcile us even though they condemn what he did. They want us to sit and talk. Anyway we will meet soon eventually and I feel…..very difficult to explain. He believes there is chance for us but I am not sure I can forgive. I try to understand why this happened and why to me, trying to analyze things but I guess I am not so good at that. I have only my pain at this moment. To leave or not, is it worth trying? Would I be able to trust him again?

My Dear Friend,

I really feel bad, that you have to endure this betrayal. I do believe I would feel the same way, you are currently feeling. On one hand, you want to forgive him, on the other, you could just spit in the wind and walk away, spit nails and never blink. Such mixed emotions.

Yes, it is the ultimate betrayal, to be told you are loved, only to be found that, that love has been split between yourself and another woman. My instincts tell me that your husband does love you. They further tell me, that he may not realize just how devastating this has been. You tend to hide it well, when I know it stands to kill you, if you can not work through it. You must work through this. Regardless of the outcome, you must seek healing.

Your healing, must come from within. Stop looking for rhyme or reason or indicators as to why, how or when. You will never find an explanation for your husbands poor choices. They were exactly that and somehow, you must rise above it and do whatever it takes, to not take it personally. I know that’s a tall order but this is what’s on your plate, so you must grasp the truth but put that truth in perspective, one which you may live with. What are you talking about Babz?

If it were me, the first thing, that would run through my head would be, why me and what did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? Not enough sexual interaction? Am I not pretty enough? Is she a better woman than me? I could go on and on but I think you get the idea? You’ve been questioning just what or where you went wrong, huh?

Just in example, I’m sure you’ve seen the most beautiful celebrities in the world, break up, have affairs and they have been betrayed by their spouse or partner. Statistics show (Read Here)that men are more likely to fool around than women(more Statistics Here) but it’s a fact of life, that we are not very good at following our marriage vows. Sadly enough, people are hurt by an infidel partner, every day of the week. This does not, by any means, excuse the behavior.

If there’s one thing I loathe, more than anything else, I’d say it is a person who fools around. I have no respect for that individual, I feel it is the ultimate betrayal. They are the worst of the worst, bottom feeders and there’s no excuse for it. I truly feel, if you are that unhappy, where you’ll place yourself in harms way or even for those that say, “Well, it just happened,” you need to assess your values and beliefs. Primarily, if we all were to live with the attitude, that we’ll only do to others, what we’d allow done to ourselves, well, life would certainly be different.

Having said, all that, I want to point out that it is not your fault, not at all. You must embrace this fact, ok? You must realize that it is the fault of the individual who cheated and it is a clear indication, that person has problems. They may very well be or seem like an egomaniac but it is really a matter of low self-esteem, in most cases. They might need their ego fluffed or their manhood massaged, figuratively and literally. Eeeeeeeeew!

In some situations, they tell themselves that they meant no harm, things just happened and couldn’t be helped. Bullshit! A strong man, honors his vows, his promises, his word. It is only a weak man, a liar, who does not say, when he is not happy. Maybe, he wasn’t happy sexually? Still not your fault, especially if he didn’t tell you that he was unhappy enough to think about getting out of the situation. A good man, could stand in a room full of nude woman and not make a move. His heart, his words and promises belong to someone else and he honors this, to and till death. So, what is my point, in all this?

You’ve got to look yourself, square in the eye and be honest. You’ve got to assess what relationship, if any, you have left. I do believe in forgiveness and I sure do believe in the sanctity of marriage. But I do feel like you’ve got to lay it on the line; Get to the bottom, as to why and don’t settle for any crap answer. Did he do it, because he became bored? Did he allow it to happen because he wasn’t happy? Did he not realize how it would hurt? Does he understand that it is a low blow and he is lower than low, for his behavior? Does he or could he ever imagine what it would feel like, if you did this to him?

You must let him know, that if it is to ever work, he must understand that he will have to earn your trust and respect all over. He must be made aware that it is his fault, if he did not tell you that he was not happy. He needs to understand that he needs to look in the mirror and see himself and what he did, as it truly is;
Low Down -n- Dirty.

Although I would imagine, that you’ve been extremely hurt by all this, you have to make a pact with yourself that it is not your aim, to make him pay for his indiscretion. that is humbling, at best. At the very least, to forgive him will be difficult and it may be even harder to trust his emotions. But in order to do this, in order for him to truly be sorry, really remorseful, you’ll have to project the image of what his actions have done. He’s got to put on your shoes and imagine, just how devastated he’d be, if the exact thing happened to him. So, I feel, as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to paint a picture, one he can clearly see, of you, in the arms of another man, for months…all behind his back. He must understand his transgressions of infidelity and see that and be told that he has behaved like a liar and if nothing else, like a man that should not be respected. Yes, there was a time, when a man was as good as his word and marriage vows were seriously set in concrete. Maybe, he didn’t realize all this?

If you do decide to talk to him, I would convey all this and you let him know that if he ever does it again, from that day forward, you will pray that justice is served upon him. You will pray fervently, that no good will come his way and he will learn the err of his ways. You won’t have to lift a finger.

I guess this is a sore subject for me. But I do think that some men are under the impression or have been taught, somewhere along the line, that to fool around, is a faux paus but acceptable. If I had my way, they’d feel the burn for it. They’d realize just how hurtful it is. They’d learn that it is wormy, not manly.Real men are sure of themselves and do not need to have affairs.

If I were you, I’d make him read this. Tell him, if he wants to talk, he needs to read something. Print this out and hand it to him.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:49 AM    

Labels: Empowerment, Faux Paus, Infidelity, Trust Issues

You Deserve Better

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…
Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 30, and have had a series of severe, long lasting crushes on men who have not reciprocated. Apart from that, I had a 3 month long relationship which ended in tears (we are still friends though), and a few flings that left me feeling worthless and dirty.

The last crush I had lasted 3 years, and after months of finding lots of ways to be near him, I told him my feelings via SMS. He politely said he was not interested in a relationship, he was only after physical affairs, that he was selfish in relationships, that he waited for women to “fall into his lap” and then he decided what to do with them.

Since then I have tried to be cool and adult about it, but I have ended up feeling worse. Although he is always polite (yet distant), I feel that I am so ugly and fat, he couldn’t even f*** me with a paper bag over my head. He’s said many times, he’s popular with the women, one even bought him a new car recently, that he’s got several on the go right now, and has had many girlfriends in his life. And I don’t even rate as a one nighter. Not even as a friend.

Recently I SMSed him saying I won’t speak to or see him for a while, maybe a few years, because I haven’t got over him yet. He eventually replied that was ok, we’ll talk later. I am still upset over this.

I’ve been reading books on how to get a partner, the strategy seems to be, be young, beautiful and thin, look like you’re having fun, NEVER approach a man, and let him make all the moves. But I’m not good at playing this game, and am despairing that I’ll never find a man, until I have lost 50lbs.

What to do?

Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

First and foremost, I think you’ve been way too hard on yourself. In addition, I have to question your values and belief systems.

You must do what you can to make yourself feel better, as far as your appearance but it is shallow on anybody’s part to think they are not desirable because of their weight, the level of attractiveness and so on. Now, I am more than aware that this world revolves around good looks and more often than not, we have a messed up standard concerning how women should be; a rail like waif. I do not believe this is a good perception and if I had my way, women around the world would say, “Enoughs enough,” concerning this merit less perception.

Do what you can, to make a reasonable attempt, concerning your weight but the fact that you may be over weight, should never stand in the way of you, as a person. No, you must look in the mirror and see yourself, your soul, as who you really are. If you feel the need to lose weight, then you work on it, you try to limit your eating, maybe get out and walk, only to make yourself feel better. But it must be so you will feel better, not to please anyone else.

This is an extremely touchy subject for me. I feel too much emphasis is placed on appearances and an unrealistic hardship, placed on women to appear a certain way. We ruin our feet, to look a certain way, in high heels and it can be freezing cold and icy out and what are we wearing? A short skirt, high heels and so on. It’s ridiculous and we need to stop it.

I do feel if you begin a reasonable weight lose program, you may feel better, in the aspect of your health but I will say it again; anybody that judges you on your weight is shallow. They are not anyone you need to be with in the first place.

I’m sorry but this guy, you’ve mentioned sounds like one of those shallow people, I just mentioned and for the love of me, I don’t know why you’d want to torture yourself for his unrequited love? You deserve so much better. Say it with me, “You Deserve Better.”

They have a saying, it’s kinda Redneck and I hope you don’t take it wrong but they say, “There’s a dog for every dog.” Meaning there’s someone out there, that will love even a dog, every dog, any dog. What it means is that even if you were a dog, which you are not, there’s someone out there that will love you for you. Real people don’t see fat or a handicap or unattractiveness. True love is blind, deaf, dumb, crippled and crazy. Do you understand? I am not calling you a dog, I am simply pointing out, that the popular, beautiful people are a minority and if they weren’t, everybody’d be considered beautiful, right? I mean there’d be no line drawn, we’d all be considered beautiful and then there’d be no definition or exception for who’s beautiful, who’d not and every level in between. So, the odds are that there’s more real people and your mate is out there.

How you carry yourself, is how you are perceived. How and what, you feel about yourself, just like body language, can be read and is more self-evident that you may realize. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly. If you are realistic and see yourself, as you really are and look at your best qualities and allow them to shine, then that is exactly what people will see.

I have said this, more often than not, but you must use, at your disposal, every tool possible, to begin to empower yourself. It is an exercise in reality, to look in the mirror and assess yourself. One should do this daily. But in all due reality, you must also realize that people, all people have flaws. You have flaws, I have flaws, even the most beautiful people, have flaws. Because of their persona, we choose, for the most part, not to see them. I think the tabloids make such good money because we want to humanize those beautiful people. We choose to look at their flaws because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It is a contradiction, at best. We emulate and want to be just like them, yet we point the finger and say, “Ah ha, look at you Miss Wanna Be Perfect, you’re not so perfect after all.”

Now, you can choose to look at your own flaws and pick at them, or you can choose to see that person, who you truly are, who you truly can be. I can feel that you are actually, a powerful women trapped in a body, you don’t care for. Improve on what you can, begin to hold your head up and carry yourself, as that powerful woman. Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, begin to know that you are the few, the proud, the “Real Women.” Once you do this, you will begin to see the difference.

I have about 30 posts(on my sidebar) on Empowerment and Empowerment exercises. I’d love to see you read, even a few and garner some strength, take what applies and run with it.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Pockets

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

Something of a long story, but will try to get to the point as quickly as I can.

Throughout my life I have always attempted to help people. There are several stories I could tell you, but will just go through the most recent situation. The circumstances of each story are different, but the end result is always the same, so this one story should be enough.

About 15 months ago I met a woman and we quickly became friends. We found a common interest that led us to start a business together. My main role has been to provide the money. It has taken everything I had, and everything I could borrow to get us to where we are today, and that is on the brink of much success. Funny thing is (and it’s really not funny at all), she is now telling me I am too stressed and depressed by all this to be involved in the business. I seem to have “serious problems” that I need to get resolved or I will bring the business down. I am currently considered a liability.

Over this time period, we have supported each other personally, usually ending each day with a phone conversation to recap where the business stood, and to offer each other encouragement for the day to day challenges in our personal lives. Currently, she has stopped all contact and communication until I “get help”. We are not lovers. There is something of an age difference, and many things that would create far too many complications. But we have been (or at least it was my impression) very, very close friends. It now looks as though she wants me out of the picture.

This is a recurring theme in my life, so I have to assume it is something I am doing wrong. People allow me into their lives, take the best I have to offer, then start to move away. People seem to need me, but they don’t need all of me.

What am I doing wrong, and how can I avoid this in the future? It all makes me tired and depressed.

Evan

Dear Evan, Well first, you must do your own assessment and inventory. Is there any merit, at all to what she is saying? If there is, then possibly seek help. It won’t hurt and hopefully, your insurance will cover it. If she is being genuine, then she’s pulling the old, “Tough Love,” trick on you. She figures, you’ll take the initiative to get help, if she makes a stand.

If she has ulterior motives, maybe you should call her on it. Call her on the carpet and tell her that you want to get to the bottom of the beef and you want nothing but the truth. In the business world, we don’t play games like that. But in all due reality, you had an off the books friendship and she felt she had the right, to say what she has said. Correct?

If it were me, I would stand my ground. You have a vested interest in this business situation and if she is trying to get you out, tell her now’s her opportunity to say so, be honest and then, you’ll work on the buyout. Quite honestly, I think her approach is a pretty nasty one, especially if she wasn’t being truthful. It is my gut feeling that this may be what’s happening.

You have become prey to a vulture. You showed her your pink under belly, at some point in time and she’s used that info against you. Pretty under handed, if you ask me. Even if it’s not true that she used a weakness of yours against you and she’s being truly concerned for your welfare, she did not handle it well.

I believe the old adage, “Nice guys finish last,” is a half truth. Patsy’s pay and you ain’t no Patsy, now are you? Yes, you’re a nice guy but you need to stand up, take away the personal aspect of your business relationship with this young lady and put your foot down. I have the feeling that she hurt you, with her little revelation?She knows she did and you’ve now played right into her hand. Don’t let her win. Take the sting out of it, put your business hat back on and get back in there.

It is my suggestion, for future reference, that you keep your heart and your business savvy in two different pockets. They must be separated at all times. See, eventually, there’s gonna come a time, when you either fight with a business associate or partner and if they know what they’re doing, they’re gonna go after what hurts the most. She just proved this scenario. I imagine, in the past, you have expressed that you were depressed or whatever and now, she’s manipulated things, using this against you. Gotta give her credit for trying, huh? But we’re onto her and you will not take it, you will not stand for it and you will draw the line, right here and right now. She’s gone over board, in her right as a friend.

Fire off an email, leave her a message, write her a letter or ask for a face to face meeting, no demand a sit down. Get back in there, call her out and tell her you will not stand for this. Hold your chin high, chest out, your feelings; in your left pocket, your business savvy in your right pocket. Just for shitz-n-giggles, for general closure, ask her what her real problem is and tell her you are not her violin, so she needs to save that for someone else. You tell her that you will do everything in your power to accommodate her but if she is not perfectly honest with you, you will then, pull out all the stops. I don’t what kind of contract and so on, you two have but your posturing must show that you have an ace up your sleeve and you’re willing to play it, if she’s not honest with you. You let he know that she crossed the line, when she brought up your mental health status, in a business situation. You let her know that you will not tolerate her berating attitude, which is exactly what it is. Let her know, from that moment on, you are not friends, merely business associates, as she has abused her end of the deal. Look her square in the eye and ask her if she understands what you are saying? You will not be her patsy, prey or even her boy.Put On Aunt Babz’ Signature Cologne, “Confidence”

Before you go into this meeting, you must have some resolution, concerning how you will end this. As I said, I don’t know what your arrangement is, if you have buy out rights, etc. but have some solution. I want you to walk away, with, if nothing else, your dignity in your breast pocket.

You must do this, for your own well being. You must meet her head on, as if this is the test of all tests. She’s one woman. She’s only human and if you ask me, she does not deserve your respect as a worthy adversary. Remember this. You must be the better person in this but that does not mean, allow her to walk all over you. Take control and do not allow her to own this situation.

Let this be a new beginning. Let this be a proving ground that you will always be a good guy but you will not be anybodies Patsy. You will keep your business and personal feelings in separate pockets, at all times. Then, you will see that nice guys do finish, with dignity in their breast pocket.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!