Fooling Around Faux Paus

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Fooling Around Faux Paus

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 4 years. All these years we have had financial problems but somehow our love (thought it was) and understanding kept us together. We shared many things, we had same interests, we loved same things. We were almost perfect couple. We were also trying to have a baby. He had kids from previous marriage but we wanted ours. We had everything but in difficult financial situation. Our dreams and hope were our drive. I suffered a lot. Before I married him I used to live in another country, had successful career, secure life. I gave up of all of it for the sake of our love. I moved into his country and started a new life. I was supporting him in all his ventures but somehow we didn’t have much success. He had to travel a lot, I had to stay at home alone. I cried many times but I was hoping it needs a little bit of sacrifice to have better future. I am not one of those jealous women checking on their husbands all the time. I was very flexible with my husband. I thought checking won’t help it, if he wants to do something he’ll do it. But I was so sure he would never cheat on me, exactly for the reason that we have been through that hardship sticking together, and that it even made our relationship stronger. It seemed we didn’t have secrets. A year ago, he had to leave the country for some business. I joined him a month later and stayed there for another month. Things with business did not go well. I had to leave and go to my parents for a while. I came to my parents for a couple of weeks but stayed a year. That business was sensitive and he was hoping he’ll make it. We put everything in stake for that. The time passed, I wanted to come and visit him at least but he was telling me just to wait for a bit longer as we were completely broke. I made a mistake. I suffered a lot and kept waiting. He was always busy but we were in touch all the time. He was telling me that he adores me and miss me like crazy and just to wait for this to finish. A year after I got a letter of his girlfriend telling me that they have been living together all this time. She sent me some of his letters to her telling her that he fell in love with her. My whole world went down. She said that she accidentally found out that he was married. I felt so betrayed, used…..taken advantage of. He tried to call me but I didn’t want to talk to him. His family is devastated, everybody is and they try to reconcile us even though they condemn what he did. They want us to sit and talk. Anyway we will meet soon eventually and I feel…..very difficult to explain. He believes there is chance for us but I am not sure I can forgive. I try to understand why this happened and why to me, trying to analyze things but I guess I am not so good at that. I have only my pain at this moment. To leave or not, is it worth trying? Would I be able to trust him again?

My Dear Friend,

I really feel bad, that you have to endure this betrayal. I do believe I would feel the same way, you are currently feeling. On one hand, you want to forgive him, on the other, you could just spit in the wind and walk away, spit nails and never blink. Such mixed emotions.

Yes, it is the ultimate betrayal, to be told you are loved, only to be found that, that love has been split between yourself and another woman. My instincts tell me that your husband does love you. They further tell me, that he may not realize just how devastating this has been. You tend to hide it well, when I know it stands to kill you, if you can not work through it. You must work through this. Regardless of the outcome, you must seek healing.

Your healing, must come from within. Stop looking for rhyme or reason or indicators as to why, how or when. You will never find an explanation for your husbands poor choices. They were exactly that and somehow, you must rise above it and do whatever it takes, to not take it personally. I know that’s a tall order but this is what’s on your plate, so you must grasp the truth but put that truth in perspective, one which you may live with. What are you talking about Babz?

If it were me, the first thing, that would run through my head would be, why me and what did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? Not enough sexual interaction? Am I not pretty enough? Is she a better woman than me? I could go on and on but I think you get the idea? You’ve been questioning just what or where you went wrong, huh?

Just in example, I’m sure you’ve seen the most beautiful celebrities in the world, break up, have affairs and they have been betrayed by their spouse or partner. Statistics show (Read Here)that men are more likely to fool around than women(more Statistics Here) but it’s a fact of life, that we are not very good at following our marriage vows. Sadly enough, people are hurt by an infidel partner, every day of the week. This does not, by any means, excuse the behavior.

If there’s one thing I loathe, more than anything else, I’d say it is a person who fools around. I have no respect for that individual, I feel it is the ultimate betrayal. They are the worst of the worst, bottom feeders and there’s no excuse for it. I truly feel, if you are that unhappy, where you’ll place yourself in harms way or even for those that say, “Well, it just happened,” you need to assess your values and beliefs. Primarily, if we all were to live with the attitude, that we’ll only do to others, what we’d allow done to ourselves, well, life would certainly be different.

Having said, all that, I want to point out that it is not your fault, not at all. You must embrace this fact, ok? You must realize that it is the fault of the individual who cheated and it is a clear indication, that person has problems. They may very well be or seem like an egomaniac but it is really a matter of low self-esteem, in most cases. They might need their ego fluffed or their manhood massaged, figuratively and literally. Eeeeeeeeew!

In some situations, they tell themselves that they meant no harm, things just happened and couldn’t be helped. Bullshit! A strong man, honors his vows, his promises, his word. It is only a weak man, a liar, who does not say, when he is not happy. Maybe, he wasn’t happy sexually? Still not your fault, especially if he didn’t tell you that he was unhappy enough to think about getting out of the situation. A good man, could stand in a room full of nude woman and not make a move. His heart, his words and promises belong to someone else and he honors this, to and till death. So, what is my point, in all this?

You’ve got to look yourself, square in the eye and be honest. You’ve got to assess what relationship, if any, you have left. I do believe in forgiveness and I sure do believe in the sanctity of marriage. But I do feel like you’ve got to lay it on the line; Get to the bottom, as to why and don’t settle for any crap answer. Did he do it, because he became bored? Did he allow it to happen because he wasn’t happy? Did he not realize how it would hurt? Does he understand that it is a low blow and he is lower than low, for his behavior? Does he or could he ever imagine what it would feel like, if you did this to him?

You must let him know, that if it is to ever work, he must understand that he will have to earn your trust and respect all over. He must be made aware that it is his fault, if he did not tell you that he was not happy. He needs to understand that he needs to look in the mirror and see himself and what he did, as it truly is;
Low Down -n- Dirty.

Although I would imagine, that you’ve been extremely hurt by all this, you have to make a pact with yourself that it is not your aim, to make him pay for his indiscretion. that is humbling, at best. At the very least, to forgive him will be difficult and it may be even harder to trust his emotions. But in order to do this, in order for him to truly be sorry, really remorseful, you’ll have to project the image of what his actions have done. He’s got to put on your shoes and imagine, just how devastated he’d be, if the exact thing happened to him. So, I feel, as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to paint a picture, one he can clearly see, of you, in the arms of another man, for months…all behind his back. He must understand his transgressions of infidelity and see that and be told that he has behaved like a liar and if nothing else, like a man that should not be respected. Yes, there was a time, when a man was as good as his word and marriage vows were seriously set in concrete. Maybe, he didn’t realize all this?

If you do decide to talk to him, I would convey all this and you let him know that if he ever does it again, from that day forward, you will pray that justice is served upon him. You will pray fervently, that no good will come his way and he will learn the err of his ways. You won’t have to lift a finger.

I guess this is a sore subject for me. But I do think that some men are under the impression or have been taught, somewhere along the line, that to fool around, is a faux paus but acceptable. If I had my way, they’d feel the burn for it. They’d realize just how hurtful it is. They’d learn that it is wormy, not manly.Real men are sure of themselves and do not need to have affairs.

If I were you, I’d make him read this. Tell him, if he wants to talk, he needs to read something. Print this out and hand it to him.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:49 AM    

Labels: Empowerment, Faux Paus, Infidelity, Trust Issues

Grabbing the Bull By the Horns

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Grabbing the Bull by the Horns

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B.

I’m looking for some unbiased advice. I am 19 years old, engaged (he’s 22)
and mother to 2 beautiful twins babies; a boy and a girl. I got pregnant
when I was 17 and a senior in highschool. My fiance and I, (we’ve been
engaged since October 2005) could not have been happier, but it was still
difficult for me, as happy as I was, I was still so young. Everything
throughout my pregnancy went well and on July 19th 2006 I gave birth to my
little munchkins. My man was right by my side the entire time, he wasn’t
allowed to stay with me over night, but he was there till as late as they’d
let him stay and got there first thing in the morning. I had a c-section so
he helped me go to the bathroom and anything I needed afterwards. For a
month or so he helped out at home making bottles and such. I know it was a
hard adjustment especially for him. The babies are about to me 11 months
old, and my relationship with my fiance has deteriorated tremendously.
About 5 months ago he had lost his job and started collecting unemployment,
we’ve lived with my mother and things have been kind of tense because he
doesn’t really do anything to help out around the house leaves his dishes
around and doesn’t pick up after himself. But my mom tolerates it as do I,
because every little thing triggers a fight. And he rarely stays home to
help with the babies. Now I am home ALL day with 2 babies whom I love more
than anything in this universe, but after a while I need a break. He’s
started back to school which is from 8am to like 12:30pm. He always goes to
his parents house afterwards or his making excuses why he can’t be home.
All we ever do is fight and it’s not all him. I snap at him for stupid
things and he snaps back, we are both stubborn fighters. I finally broke
down about a week ago and was ready to end our relationship, but I don’t
want to throw away all of our good times and years for just a few months of
stress and turmoil.

I had happened to catch a glimpse of one of his messages on the computer and
it was to some girl he met over the internet that I went to school with
she’s a year or 2 older than me. I am extremely jealous and so I got upset,
and he told me it was just because they knew the same people. Now I got
paranoid because I knew how bad we had been fighting and how much we’ve been
pushing each other away. We barely have sex and when we do it’s like bam bam
done time to go to sleep. I started checking his text messages and call log
on his cell phone, as much as I didn’t want to I couldn’t help because being
home all day my mind wanders and I think WAY too much for my own good. So
I’m reading the text messages and he’s telling her how we always fight and
how they should get together and hang out. I have a history of depression
so this sent me into a tailspin. I started crying at the drop of a hat. I
told him we have to talk. But he gets his guard up and gets nasty and
starts fighting with me. We talked and got everything out in the open. He
hasn’t cheated on me, and says he NEVER would do that. Which I do believe
but like I said I am home all day and my mind gets the best of me, and I’m
glad that I found the messages because if I push him away enough than that
may drive him to the point of doing it. This past weekend he went to a wet
down and I let him go, because I usually get all bent out of shape when he
wants to go out because I RARELY get to go out myself, if I do it’s with
him. I also hate when he goes cuz he never calls me and I never seem to
know if he’s coming home or not. So we talked Friday he went to this thing
on Saturday. Now he normally would leave at like 9 am and say he has things
to do before he goes, but he actually stayed home until about 1 and we spent
the morning together. Then he called me 3 times that night, the last time
being to come pick him up. I did it because I told him to call me if he
needed a ride. He hangs out with this kid who is just a waste and is always
drinking and partying. I can’t stand him but I let it go cuz as long as I
know my man is ok and coming home with me. We spent ALL of Sunday together,
and even cuddled that night. I’m trying to be very open with my feelings
and he’s really bad at letting me know how he feels unless he’s angry. But
I think he’s trying to get our relationship back on track. Is that what it
seems like to you?? I just can’t seem to get this pit out of my stomach, I
want to get our shit together because I am so in love with him really, and
we both just got so caught up in the stress that we drifted apart. I don’t
think he would stick around if he really didn’t want to try to make this
work. Am I wrong for feeling like he doesn’t want to work it out with me
when he started talking to that other girl?? I want him to feel like he can
come and talk to me if he’s feeling down and I don’t want to be the reason
he doesn’t want to come home. I want to spend the rest of my life with this
man. Everyone’s telling me he needs to grow up quicker and take on
responsibility or I just need to leave and let him realize what he’ll be
losing. I just really need to get over this jealousy and mistrust that I’ve
created in my head. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t really know what I’m
asking you to answer just seeking advice I guess on how to get the spark
back in our relationship, so he doesn’t feel like he has to seek out other
girls.

I know this letter is all over the place, but that’s how I feel right now my
emotions are out of control.
Thank you

Confused in Love.

Dear Confused in Love,

Do you feel, a bit like a yo-yo? I would and can completely understand how your emotions could run the gambit. I was 16, when I got pregnant with my first son, my husband was 22. We both thought we were so grown up and I most certainly thought he was. He did the same thing and went through Birthing classes with me, was there for his birth, cried and it was a wonderful moment in time. But it wasn’t long after that, he went his merry way with his friends and so on and I stayed home, with our son. He was the one that wanted to get married, he is the one, who all along wanted to stay married. But he didn’t want to work at it and he didn’t realize his full responsibilty to his children.

I had two more sons and our relationship as man and wife, lasted nine years. I was sick of the partying and if I was going to be alone, I figured I might as well be completely alone. He was also very bossy and I had gone through this rite of passage, so I thought, from a girl to a woman and was not going to have some guy, who was barely there, tell me what to do.

I have regrets and of course, being able to look back, in retrospect. I wish I had handled it differently.I guess what I am saying is that, I want you to be able to work this out. Kicking him to the curb, is not the answer, although, I’m sure there are times, when you’d love to. So, what can we do? My youngest son, Waylon, just turned 26. We call him, “Johnny Appleseed,” because he has fathered children with three women, already. His first child, Kassandra, will be 9 in August and he’s not seen her since she was a toddler. It is partly his fault, that things are as they are but the child’s mother, is a strong willed young woman and she grew tired of his shenanigans. Now, I’m sure, you didn’t write me to get my life history. I tell you this because I can see a correlation and that, quite possibly, men are not as quick to realize their responsibilities as women. I say this because I can look back and see that quite often, a guy like my son and your fiance’, grapple with settling down and fulfilling their obligations.

Believe it or not, a guy who is 22, doesn’t really know what he wants out of life. He knows on one hand, that you are the best thing that ever walked into his life. I firmly believe he loves you, with all his heart. I also believe he knows what’s good for him; You! I bet, if I asked him, who he loves, he would say you and the babies. But there is that side, that still fighting with the young and irresponsible side of himself. In one way, he wants it all, meaning you and the kids. On the other hand, it does have a trapping mechanism.

If you were to delve, deep into his mind, you’d probably find a bit of resentment and discontentment. He may never admit it but it’s there. I would call him a liar, if he told me differently. But I must point out, that it is perfectly natural and many men, feel this throughout their lives. Women do too, at times. they’ll stand in front of the mirror and wonder what happened to the girl they knew and the body that was once supple before childbirth. They’ll even wonder what their lives might have been, had they not become pregnant, especially at an early age. That too, is natural. But we don’t walk away from doing the right thing.

Men are more apt to have this crunch time, that period of questioning and our society has made it seem ok for a man to walk away from his family. Oh yea, we have our “Deadbeat Dad’s” list but we do not scorn those that should be scorned, we accept it, don’t we? Divorce rates continue to accumulate and we just swallow it. Sooooooooo Babz, what does all this mean to me?

Homework

I would love it, if you would read every post I’ve written, that has the tag, “Bitch Belt.” See, I want you to have your man and happiness. I also welcome you to experience the rite of passage, from young girl to womanhood, becoming a good woman. I want you to become assertive and state your needs. I don’t want you to fear, saying anything and you’d better grab that bull by the horns now or you never will. A good woman, who wears my Bitch Belt, is an assertive woman, who says what needs to be said, does what needs to be done and is fair, doing it. It is your approach, to your man, that makes all the difference. You must always respect him, if he respects you. If he doesn’t you will make him. I don’t want to use the word “training” and many men would be resentful, if they felt that their wife or girlfriend was trying to train them. So, we’ll call it “schooling your man.”

I’m sure that you’ve heard, “Behind every great man, is a great woman.” Well, it’s true and men are not born knowing it all, contrary to popular belief. No, we must school them in many departments, many aspects. They are not mind readers and often do not think as we do, nor as deeply as we do. This is why, you must state your needs. From, your love making to placing your dish in the dishwasher, men must be shown the way. But I’ll say it again; it’s all in the approach. If you show him respect, when you try to tell him something and do not come across as a nag, he may not put up the great wall of defense and just might hear, what you’ve said.

Often times, giving them, perspective on a situation, is the only answer. Most men, learn from a hands on approach If he’s learning how to fix a car, he has to see it in action. They don’t do well with manuals, per say or directions but what you show them, in action, will stick in their brain. Once again Babz, what in the hell are you talking about?

After you read this, you will already be a different woman. You will put on that designer Bitch Belt and become the woman, you were designed to be. You must also, face your fears. You have been sitting on your hands, biting your tongue and now, you have building resentment. I guarantee, he will continue to behave just as he has, unless you stop and face your fears.

There are several things, I noted, concerning your fears. For one, you have attempted to tell him things and how you feel but he starts a fight when you do. That is a real prize fighting tactic, hook n jive, side stepping the issue. he knows that you hate to fight. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum, he comes back with a fighting stance. That’s all it is and you will now see through it. You will also, not be afraid of it or afraid that you will run him off, if you do this right.

Clinical Perspective

Get up and look in the mirror. What do you see? You see an attractive young woman, do you not? Then, ask yourself; What does he see? He must respect you. You are many things to this man. You are the mother of his children, a noble cause. Rarely, do our men, see this on a daily basis. What they see, more often than not, is their wife/lover.

So, what will you do to be the best at that? You want him to continue to shop at your store, right? It takes work to make a relationship work, you must continually make him think, blow his mind, ok? It’s not supposed to be, all about sex but men are hardwired, differently than women. During sex, don’t let him wam bam thank ya ma’am ya. Do not fear his reaction, if you step out of yourself. Don’t be the mother of twins, when you’re in his bed, be a woman and demand his attention, take control, make him remember. You can do this, I know you can.

You must not nag. If you have something, that’s bothering you, pick and choose your fight carefully. When and where you fight, is important. If you want to win, you must find the right time to bring things up. You tell him, you need to talk to him about some things that are bothering you. I am not telling you to tippy toe around him, dammit if somethings on your mind, you need to talk about it. And he needs to listen. You’ll have to set the stage. Never ever fight in the bedroom. It must be a place of sanctuary, never filled with bad memories. Yes, it’s only a room but if you can help it, never go there to discuss something that may be heated.

Put on your Bitch Belt…Ask him to sit down, when it’s private and the kids are occupied. You tell him, there’s a few things, even if they might seem petty, they are still bothersome. You tell him, you’d appreciate it, if he would talk with you and you do not want to argue. You say, that you are not accusing but simply letting him know how and where you stand. You then tell him, that when you bring up anything, he goes off about it and “that won’t work.” Now, you need to say it, just that way. You are not saying that it’s not acceptable but you are stating fact. You are also taking control of the conversation and he will have to look at his behavior during discussion. You then tell him, that you want to have an adult conversation. You say this because, if he goes off, he is now aware that he is not the one having an adult conversation, right? If he gets cagey, at all during your conversation, you simply say, “I wanted to keep this on an adult level.” See, you’re not calling him childish but you are saying or making him painfully aware that he might not be behaving as an adult, right?

Grabbing the Bull

He must understand, his part, in what makes or breaks this relationship. But guys are different, as I said before, so you have to take a different approach.
First, you tell him, you respect him and that you can only envision being with him, for the rest of your life, that you love him and you want to trust him. Trust is paramount in any relationship. If you don’t have it, you have nothing. trust is more than wondering if he’s fooling around. It’s trusting him with your heart and mind, emotions and your children. You tell him this and that you want to continue to respect him.
Then, you explain this simple premise; Women are given a 6th sense, an intuition. It is real enough, that it is even mentioned in the Bible, several times.
It is then, that you tell him, you do not want a response to what you are about to say. He does not need to retort or defend himself. You are making a statement, an important synopsis, as to how you feel, matter of fact;

I am not accusing you. But I am stating what and how I feel. I want you, from this day forward, to treat me, exactly as you want treated. If you do not want me to behave secretly and IM other men, you will not do it. If you do not want me running around, behaving with a single persons attitude and heart, you will not treat me, this way. The only thing that’s separates us, from a legal marriage is a piece of paper. My heart is married to you. If you want me to continue to behave, as your wife, you must behave as my husband. If you want my continued respect, you must respect me and my feelings. You will not blow me or my feelings off, unless of course, you’d like me to treat you in the same respect.
If you are not happy, now or ever, you need to say so. Do not try to spare my feelings but be honest. I am not playing a game with your emotions and will not have mine played. You always have an out but you must be honest. If I no longer trip your trigger, you need only to tell me but do not fool around on me. You may not like the outcome. Now, I am a reasonable woman and I am not trying to pin you to marriage. But when a man comes home, sleeps in your bed and tells you he loves you and only you, you believe him and it is the same as a marriage. I don’t need that paper right now to validate yours or my feelings but I need us to understand each other and our future. You’re either in or your out and you must make up your mind. You can’t have your cake and eat it too and run around one minute like your in a relationship and then the next minute, you’re out and acting like you’re not. Once again, I am not accusing you, I am stating how I feel. You must treat me with respect, if you want me to continue to respect you. It’s that simple.

Face your fears or forever allow your life to be ruled by distrust. You could write it all down and give him the letter but make a stand. If you don’t grab that bull by the horns now, you’ll forever have a rough ride.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:31 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: Guy Behavior, Personal Relationships, Trust Issues

You Have To Play To Win

Sunday, April 8, 2007

You Have To Play To Win

This was sent to Aunt B via email…
Dear Aunt B,

What do you do when you love a guy so much and want to only be with him but you don’t trust him enough to be in a relationship with him? I had gotten close to this guy and I love him dearly and he asked me if I can trust him that he’ll do right by me but I just don’t because I barely hear from him because he had problems. What do I do?

Dear Friend,

Really, trust is the only thing we really have in a relationship. It is the foundation, without it, you stand to lose.

You have not stated what he did to cause you to not trust him. In actuality, it could be many things; from something he has done, to your own in general trust issues.

I have been burned. Nothing hurts worse than when you have put all your trust in one person and they throw it all away. If this is the case, where he has hurt you already, I’ll say this;
You hand them a little at a time. If you were burned by him, he’ll have to understand your apprehension. But you must make a choice to give it or walk away. He may be truly sorry for what he did and if he is, it is not fair to not forgive, now is it? Turn the tables and imagine that it was you, who hurt him. You are really sorry but he doesn’t believe you. You try and try, you talk till your blue in the face but he just will not give you his trust again. So, you get fed up, you get defensive because that’s what we do and you finally give up, walk away and tell him to go play with rocks, you are tired of telling him you are sorry. The sad part is that you were sincere, you loved him and you two would have made beautiful music together.

The other side of the scenario, may be your own issues. You may have been in a past relationship and that person burned you. It is all too clear to you that men are dogs, good for nothing and you will not have your heart stomped on again. Now, you’ve built this wall and they’ll be damn hard pressed to even climb over it. They could be the nicest guy, with good intentions but oh hell no, they will not hurt you again. If this is the case, you have to realize that not all guys are dogs and not all are wolves in sheep’s clothing. The third and final play I shall present, is the guy who takes forever to get himself together. You wait in the wings, you’re bound by good intentions but he keeps pussyfootin’ around. He can’t seem to get his act together. There’s always one thing or another. He’s got problem after problem and each and every one, he uses to place a distance between you. He may not even realize he’s doing it but he does it and you are getting tired of it. Rightfully so!

One thing I will point out to you and I suggest you have him read this. Every relationship is carved out of two things; Trust and Communication. Love is a big word, you obviously, do not give it freely? But you say you love him, right? Do you have a love for him, as I don’t see you being, “In Love,” with him and there is a difference. When you are in love, you do not throw that relationship on the back burner. No, it is that relationship, that person that you love, who stands beside you, weathers the storm with you and you work through it together. You trust each others emotions, meaning that you know when the shit hits the fan, that person won’t turn and run. In a true relationship, that person threw on a pair of designer shit goggles and stood there with you, held your hand and did not allow one piece to be flung that they were not willing to wear, right along side of you. When the storm was over and you stood there covered in the remnants, the two of you talked about how hard that was, how much it really stank but you say, “Hey, that was a lot of shit, they flung but we got through it. That wasn’t as bad with you by my side.” Two heads are always better than one, right?

Communicating your thoughts and fears, words of consolation and strength, well that is the cornerstone of the relationship. You may not have had a relationship, if he put you on the back burner in the name of, “Hey, I got problems.” So, you sat there and sat there while he worked it out. Then, he comes back and says, all is well, “let’s dance” and you’ve been sitting so long, you’d finally figured out that it was not a relationship in the first place, really, only an acquaintance, a drive-by affair. I’d be a little pissed and not so willing to just say, “OK, here’s my heart. Next time that shit hits the fan, I’ll expect you to just run and you won’t need me, right?”

If this guy was here right now, I’d just love to watch you tell him , I just will not stand for a drive-by romance, anymore. Either you are in or you are out, stop playing and stop faking the funk. I will not play any more games. Now, here’s a gram of trust, you are not getting the ounce, until I see you will not run and hide with it in your pocket. When I see that this is a relationship and you don’t use YOUR problems against me, then you’ll get an ounce. Once we have a real relationship here and I can trust your emotions as well as you trust mine, you may get more. You do realize that I own a pair of… Dooce Gabbana Shit Goggles? If I never wear them, we are or never have been in a relationship.
If you want my trust, I only give it to those I am in a relationship with. Now, are we in a real relationship or are we just pretending here? Real relationships involve team work and there’s no “I” in team, huh? If you want to do this all on your own, just say so but stop wasting my time.

Finally, handing someone your heart and your trust, is never easy. But it is your heart and your trust, so, you take control of it. You can give a bit at a time but you make it clear that it is reserved for a true relationship. You point out that real relationships are not just for or only when convenient. If he wants convenience, he needs to go down to the local store because that’s not you. You take control and state your needs. If he can’t fill that order, then he needs to go away, find someone who’s an easy target. Once you have stated your needs and made things clear, “Hey, poop or get off the pot here,” tell him, I’m not waiting any longer than I have, you have a problem and it’s not me. It’s him and he’s using his problems to keep from even the slightest commitment. You just have to be on top of the program and not willing to continue. But I encourage you to try to give your trust but use the formula of stating exactly how things should be and you will not tolerate anything less. You wait and you watch for the tell tale signs that he is making excuses, using problems to keep from the smallest commitment.

Trust is never easily given, once you’ve been hurt. But you must learn to trust again. You have to make a conscience effort to never be stupid or not on top of the game, that’s all. You take control of YOUR trust, it belongs to you. Now, start the game over but read him the rules. Put your trust in the pot, in the middle. Tell him, if he wants to earn that trust, it’s so simple; You have to be in the game to win!

After reading my answer, the reader wrote with this further comment…

Dear Aunt B

Thank you for that advice because it taught me some things but I’m still

stuck. The thing is every time I try to tell him how I feel he gets mad and

says I complain too much because he’s not ignoring me, he just has problems

and is too busy. He says he loves me and blah blah blah. I don’t want to talk

to him about my feelings anymore because we always end up fighting. I love

him to death but I don’t want to wait around for him because despite my

feelings for him, the reality is we are just friends and nothing more so I

can’t really expect too much from him. What’s the best way to go about this?

Girlfriend, it’s time to cinch up your Bitch Belt and take control. Let me remind you, that if you do not, you are as stuck as you believe you are, that’s it, that’s all.
You have a right to your feelings, they are yours. He is being insensitive to act or portray your communicating them, as nagging. Are you trying to make more of the relationship than he’s willing to give? If this is the problem, you may have to bow out gracefully but… not before you write down exactly how you feel and give it to him. I don’t like that feeling, that you can’t express, how you feel. This is paramount in any relationship whether it is even, your best friend. Ask yourself this; if he behaves this way, this early in the relationship or friendship or whatever you want to call it, how will he behave if you two do become serious? I mean really, in the first part of any relationship, there is usually a courting period. Somehow, you stepped over that period and waltzed right up to the end of a bad relationship.

Communication is the only thing a couple has and if you already feel stifled, you really need to assess that. It is not a good thing. You begin to shut down, you begin shut up and stuff your emotions. You are already setting into place a very passive stance and he knows it.

If you do decide to take the bull by the horns, I would write him a letter. I would tell him that you feel that you can’t express your emotions and it is not nagging. (I’m sorry but nothing pisses me off more than when I am pouring out true feeling, only to be told I am nagging. I dislike that as much as someone mocking me, it makes my blood boil) You’d better nip it in the bud right now or forever be in that holding pattern. You tell him that you are not willing to be shut down,or be shooed off like a bug, any longer. These are your feelings and if he can not help you work through this, he really has nothing to offer. That last sentence, sums it up, doesn’t it?

At this point in the game, what does he have to offer, other than a half assed relationship? He is only there for you, when and if it is convenient, so it seems? Now, don’t get me wrong, I think you love him for a reason? He must have some good qualities or you’d probably have kicked him to the curb a while ago, right? I want you to ask yourself, what those qualities are and if they are worth fighting for? If they are; write the letter.

What do you stand to lose, if you make your feelings known and take a stance that you won’t be pushed out any longer? I see a pattern of questioning your very relationship; is he just a good friend or are we in a “Couple’s Relationship”? What would it hurt, for you to ask him that same question in your letter? Call his bluff and tell him, if he can’t answer you, you no longer want this semblance of a relationship.

Right now, I think he has you all sewn up in this pretty little package of a girlfriend on demand. If you tolerate and continue to endure this behavior in the name of, “his problems” you will continue to be treated less than, what you deserve and yes, you do deserve better than this. I just so happen to know that you are a timid and caring woman, who sacrifices her own feelings for the sake of others. I want you to stop being a martyr, he does not deserve that and you do not deserve to live your life anything less than happy.

Somehow, I don’t think he is doing this on purpose. No, I think he explains his behavior on having problems. But now he has projected those problems on you by denying you his affection, denying you healthy communique and and a lack of definition concerning your relationship. Every single one of those items, I just mentioned are the cornerstone of any relationship. You don’t have this and it would not sit well with any normal person. Let me also point out that you are a normal person and you have not been unreasonable with him. You have been unreasonable for allowing this to go on.

Write the letter, stating your feelings, matter of fact. Ask him what really defines your relationship, together and let him know, if he can’t give you that, you are going to say good-bye.
This is like letting your dog off the leash; if he’s your dog, he won’t run away, he will know where you stand and loyally stick by your side.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:08 PM    

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Commitment, Earning Trust, Empowerment Practices, Lack of Trust, Personal Relationships, Shit Goggles, Trust Issues

Truth Goggles

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Truth Goggles

This was sent to Aunt B via email

I really do not know what to do. I feel like I am losing all of my friends. My friend Bailey is making up lies about me and saying that I told her she can’t hang out with my best friend anymore and no one believes me that I didn’t say that. I swear over all that I believe in that I would never do something like that. Now I am losing my best friend, a girl that doesn’t even talk to me hates me, and all my other friends think I am a b*tch. I desperately need advice on how to get people to believe me. It’s not like a lie a lot because I hate liars, but for some reason no one will believe me. Plus, if they “really aren’t true friends” then I have nothing else. I really need to know what to do.

~Sarah

Hello Sarah,

People can be so nasty, huh? This is fixable but it starts within you, first!

They are behaving immaturely and you may have to come back with pointing this out. It will make them think about their initial statement and fact that it is in fact; immature? See, any time, you know something or a behavior, comment or statement is hurtful and plain, down right immature, the way to point it out is to simply ask the offending person, “Hey, don’t you think you are acting pretty immature?” Now, their initial reaction may not be a pleasant one and they may put up defensive walls, taking a defensive stance. But I guarantee, they will think about it and their own behavior. Nobody likes to be told they’re acting like a baby but it will make them question their own actions and behaviors and the validity of the matter at hand. But Sarah, it will be an empty statement if it comes from you and you are not standing with the conviction of truth. Let me explain…

All through your life, you will be met with this type of behavior. This may not be the first time and I am quite sure it will not be the last time, you have to defend yourself from malicious rumor, innuendo or straight out lies. Unfortunately, not everybody has the same moral standards and will lie through their teeth. You will also encounter, those that love to stir the nasty mix. They live for chaos and they get power from making others cringe or back down from them and drama is their middle name. It’s hard to understand people like that but this world is full of them. But let me point out something, a key trait in most of these personality types; they usually have their own self-esteem issues. Your classic bully usually has a low self-esteem and uses fear and loathing to make them feel powerful and important. They have a need for validation, they have that need to make you fear them, even if it’s only with their words. Of course you’ll always have those that are jealous of your friendships and will do what they can to destroy it and make you feel crappy. This may be their motive and reason for acting like buttheads. I want you to rise above it, ok?

Those that matter, aren’t mean and those that are mean, don’t matter.

You’ll have many friends throughout your life. Some will be your very best friends but when friendship is tested by the strain of everyday life, you will soon see who is the true friend and who is not. A true friend is family that you hand pick. True friendship, just like family, has unconditional love for you. They are able to see the good and bad and accept you for you, who you really are. The ones that can not do this really don’t mean crap. Were these people, really good friends or just associates, people you know?

First, you must understand true friendship before you can be a good friend, before you will really have a true friend. So, how do you do this?

I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself what do you see? A self-assessment should be done often. If you can do this and always strive to be a better person, you are growing. Don’t get me wrong, I do not aspire, personally to be a saint but I do aspire to be a better person. I do not live to hurt people. I do not live to get over on others. I ask myself, “Well, would I want to be my own friend?”
If you answered yes, to your own question, then I want you to start by being your own friend and be honest with yourself; What are your good qualities? Are you loyal? Are you there when a friend needs you? Do you unselfishly give from your heart, your time and attention in a friendship? Do you listen? Are you able to share a friend with another friend or do you get jealous when your friend gives more time and attention to that other friend?

At the beginning of this post, I said, “This is fixable but it starts within you, first!”

It starts with how you perceive yourself and then how you perceive others. You know you were being honest and that is all that matters. If you are pushed in the corner over this again, you hold your head up, tell them that you told the truth but since they want to play stupid childish games, you don’t really care what they think. Every morning when you leave your house, you put on your “Truth Goggles” and walk out the door. Those Truth Goggles will enable you to see through the transparent people who try to bully you into feeling bad. You’ll see them for what they really are; insecure drama queens. Those goggles will help you see just how bad their self-esteem is so they have to start trouble so they can own “YOUR” power. Take it back, don’t let them see you upset in the least by any of this. If you act as if you could care less what they think, they sure can’t bother you and they’ll see what a waste of time it really is. People that bully are not really mean, they are really mixed up, pretending to be mean. They figured out somewhere along the line that if they act, say or behave a certain way, they will get attention that their normal character wouldn’t get. In other words, they are just average Joe, humdrum, insecure people, craving attention. Another maneuver they will try, is exactly what they did to you; they will try to make you look bad, that way people are too busy looking at you and your supposed faults rather than looking at the person who started the whole mess. They are the one who is actually desperate for some form of friendship and she is just trying to make you look bad so she looks good. Put those truth goggles on and see them for the real people they are. Once you begin to see this sort of thing, you begin to take your power back and people will come to the conclusion that they shouldn’t waste their time messing with you, it just won’t work. You hold your head up and be assertive when they come at you with this lame stuff and you tell them that it’s exactly that; LAME! Once you have done this and institute the attitude that you’d rather be friendless for the rest of your entire life than have back biting, back stabbing drama queen immature friends, you just don’t need it, you will see the difference. What is the worst thing that can happen out of all this; you find new friends that are real. Don’t you back down or feel guilty about this anymore. Stop defending yourself and worrying about these girls who really are not real friends. Do without their friendship for now. They will come around if they are true friends and if they are not, you’ll be better off without them to start a bunch of garbage. Now, I know how important friendships can be. But do as I said, be true to yourself first, see people as they really are and take back your power. You will see the Empowerment in this once you begin to see things as they really are. Read this and re-read this till it is ingrained; you are a good friend and you do not have time for anyone who is not able to be a good friend. You do not have time for liars, bullies or drama queens. Be good to yourself and say to yourself; I will not tolerate this anymore. I am a good person, a good friend and I DO NOT NEED their kind of friendship. It’s not real friendship and it’s surely not real. It doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter, they don’t matter. As soon as you are done reading this…put those Truth Goggles on. Sorry, you’ll see they are not rose colored glasses but…
they sure are powerful, huh?

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:20 AM    

Labels: Bullying, Empowerment Practices, Self-Esteem Issues, Teen Problems, Truth Goggles