Curious

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Curious

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Im dating this girl who has had the biggest crush on me for a long time,

well things were going good for a month, then she told me that she had a

secret that was soooo nasty and terrible and disgusting that she was ashamed

of herself, but she wouldnt say what it was.

She said its an addiction and it wasnt drug related . Its something Physical

about herself and its not def not sex with men or guy related. She doesnt

want to talk about it but it has nothing to do with men or drugs. She said

another girl at work had the same addiction and thats why they were really

close.

She wont say what it is but that someone else before me a year ago saw it

in her and she was sooo ashamed . Its really bothering me cause she says if

we get really close I’ll start to notice it in her.

she said her mom and ex husband didnt even know she did it, tis sooo

disgusting and nasty .

my question is…what the f*** can be that disgusting and offensive thats

not drug related or related to men and is something thats a physical

addiction about her ?????? I was thinking body mutilation but I remember she

said every now and then she goes out and does this nasty thing .

last time she did it was over a year ago……. can you help me figure this

out ?

Dear Friend,

I know that you want us to make some kind of guess as to what it is this girl is so ashamed of.. but truth be told, it would be nothing but a guess and wouldn’t help you in the slightest.

See, when someone lets a secret out, it is such a piece of them that they are freed by it. And I feel that she is just not there yet… but wanted to give you a heads up to make herself feel better.

There are thousands of things it could be. As minuscule as she picks her nose habitually to having what’s called a ‘blood fetish’ where a woman saves her own menstrual fluids and reuses it for making art (you think I am kidding right? http://community.livejournal.com/blood_art)

But no matter what it is, it will be a mere guess. And no matter what it is, this girl wants to know that she can trust you before she tells you her dirty little secret. And we all have one of those… it is just different for each of us. For me, I am insane when it comes to tweezing. I will tweeze the shot out of my eyebrows, legs, whatever.. I just can’t stop once I have tranced in on it. But that is something that I don’t think of as a big secret anymore to discuss… however you wouldn’t ever catch me doing it in front of another person but my husband. It is private, and something I am not comfortable with sharing. And all couples have a ‘thing’.

You just never know until the trust is there. I would advise you to be patient, and above all tolerant and accepting. Because even if you don’t like what ever this is that she is so scared to share… you will devastate her if she opens up and tells you. So at least if you cannot condone it, don’t judge her for it. That’s who she is.

Talk openly with her on the anxiety that you are feeling not knowing her secret but knowing somethings there though. Because no matter what the relationship is… you don’t have to keep that kind of feeling bottled up. You should be able to tell her that the anxiety is somewhat like a dark cloud that is bothering you, and if she isn’t ready to share what that is.. that’s fine. But that you don’t really want to talk about it, and you don’t want to be lied to about it. And maybe throw in that once again, you don’t mind that she needs time to divulge her secret, but make it clear to her of the things that you would consider a ‘deal breaker’ (like molestation, cheating, watching strange porn, whatever) and that if it is something in there, you are going to really have to think about the relationship and that she needs to accept your behaviors and what you are willing to do as well.

I hope that things go well with you two, and hope that whatever the secret is that it isn’t a deal breaker. Let us know how it all works out.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:12 AM    

Fooling Around Faux Paus

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Fooling Around Faux Paus

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 4 years. All these years we have had financial problems but somehow our love (thought it was) and understanding kept us together. We shared many things, we had same interests, we loved same things. We were almost perfect couple. We were also trying to have a baby. He had kids from previous marriage but we wanted ours. We had everything but in difficult financial situation. Our dreams and hope were our drive. I suffered a lot. Before I married him I used to live in another country, had successful career, secure life. I gave up of all of it for the sake of our love. I moved into his country and started a new life. I was supporting him in all his ventures but somehow we didn’t have much success. He had to travel a lot, I had to stay at home alone. I cried many times but I was hoping it needs a little bit of sacrifice to have better future. I am not one of those jealous women checking on their husbands all the time. I was very flexible with my husband. I thought checking won’t help it, if he wants to do something he’ll do it. But I was so sure he would never cheat on me, exactly for the reason that we have been through that hardship sticking together, and that it even made our relationship stronger. It seemed we didn’t have secrets. A year ago, he had to leave the country for some business. I joined him a month later and stayed there for another month. Things with business did not go well. I had to leave and go to my parents for a while. I came to my parents for a couple of weeks but stayed a year. That business was sensitive and he was hoping he’ll make it. We put everything in stake for that. The time passed, I wanted to come and visit him at least but he was telling me just to wait for a bit longer as we were completely broke. I made a mistake. I suffered a lot and kept waiting. He was always busy but we were in touch all the time. He was telling me that he adores me and miss me like crazy and just to wait for this to finish. A year after I got a letter of his girlfriend telling me that they have been living together all this time. She sent me some of his letters to her telling her that he fell in love with her. My whole world went down. She said that she accidentally found out that he was married. I felt so betrayed, used…..taken advantage of. He tried to call me but I didn’t want to talk to him. His family is devastated, everybody is and they try to reconcile us even though they condemn what he did. They want us to sit and talk. Anyway we will meet soon eventually and I feel…..very difficult to explain. He believes there is chance for us but I am not sure I can forgive. I try to understand why this happened and why to me, trying to analyze things but I guess I am not so good at that. I have only my pain at this moment. To leave or not, is it worth trying? Would I be able to trust him again?

My Dear Friend,

I really feel bad, that you have to endure this betrayal. I do believe I would feel the same way, you are currently feeling. On one hand, you want to forgive him, on the other, you could just spit in the wind and walk away, spit nails and never blink. Such mixed emotions.

Yes, it is the ultimate betrayal, to be told you are loved, only to be found that, that love has been split between yourself and another woman. My instincts tell me that your husband does love you. They further tell me, that he may not realize just how devastating this has been. You tend to hide it well, when I know it stands to kill you, if you can not work through it. You must work through this. Regardless of the outcome, you must seek healing.

Your healing, must come from within. Stop looking for rhyme or reason or indicators as to why, how or when. You will never find an explanation for your husbands poor choices. They were exactly that and somehow, you must rise above it and do whatever it takes, to not take it personally. I know that’s a tall order but this is what’s on your plate, so you must grasp the truth but put that truth in perspective, one which you may live with. What are you talking about Babz?

If it were me, the first thing, that would run through my head would be, why me and what did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? Not enough sexual interaction? Am I not pretty enough? Is she a better woman than me? I could go on and on but I think you get the idea? You’ve been questioning just what or where you went wrong, huh?

Just in example, I’m sure you’ve seen the most beautiful celebrities in the world, break up, have affairs and they have been betrayed by their spouse or partner. Statistics show (Read Here)that men are more likely to fool around than women(more Statistics Here) but it’s a fact of life, that we are not very good at following our marriage vows. Sadly enough, people are hurt by an infidel partner, every day of the week. This does not, by any means, excuse the behavior.

If there’s one thing I loathe, more than anything else, I’d say it is a person who fools around. I have no respect for that individual, I feel it is the ultimate betrayal. They are the worst of the worst, bottom feeders and there’s no excuse for it. I truly feel, if you are that unhappy, where you’ll place yourself in harms way or even for those that say, “Well, it just happened,” you need to assess your values and beliefs. Primarily, if we all were to live with the attitude, that we’ll only do to others, what we’d allow done to ourselves, well, life would certainly be different.

Having said, all that, I want to point out that it is not your fault, not at all. You must embrace this fact, ok? You must realize that it is the fault of the individual who cheated and it is a clear indication, that person has problems. They may very well be or seem like an egomaniac but it is really a matter of low self-esteem, in most cases. They might need their ego fluffed or their manhood massaged, figuratively and literally. Eeeeeeeeew!

In some situations, they tell themselves that they meant no harm, things just happened and couldn’t be helped. Bullshit! A strong man, honors his vows, his promises, his word. It is only a weak man, a liar, who does not say, when he is not happy. Maybe, he wasn’t happy sexually? Still not your fault, especially if he didn’t tell you that he was unhappy enough to think about getting out of the situation. A good man, could stand in a room full of nude woman and not make a move. His heart, his words and promises belong to someone else and he honors this, to and till death. So, what is my point, in all this?

You’ve got to look yourself, square in the eye and be honest. You’ve got to assess what relationship, if any, you have left. I do believe in forgiveness and I sure do believe in the sanctity of marriage. But I do feel like you’ve got to lay it on the line; Get to the bottom, as to why and don’t settle for any crap answer. Did he do it, because he became bored? Did he allow it to happen because he wasn’t happy? Did he not realize how it would hurt? Does he understand that it is a low blow and he is lower than low, for his behavior? Does he or could he ever imagine what it would feel like, if you did this to him?

You must let him know, that if it is to ever work, he must understand that he will have to earn your trust and respect all over. He must be made aware that it is his fault, if he did not tell you that he was not happy. He needs to understand that he needs to look in the mirror and see himself and what he did, as it truly is;
Low Down -n- Dirty.

Although I would imagine, that you’ve been extremely hurt by all this, you have to make a pact with yourself that it is not your aim, to make him pay for his indiscretion. that is humbling, at best. At the very least, to forgive him will be difficult and it may be even harder to trust his emotions. But in order to do this, in order for him to truly be sorry, really remorseful, you’ll have to project the image of what his actions have done. He’s got to put on your shoes and imagine, just how devastated he’d be, if the exact thing happened to him. So, I feel, as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to paint a picture, one he can clearly see, of you, in the arms of another man, for months…all behind his back. He must understand his transgressions of infidelity and see that and be told that he has behaved like a liar and if nothing else, like a man that should not be respected. Yes, there was a time, when a man was as good as his word and marriage vows were seriously set in concrete. Maybe, he didn’t realize all this?

If you do decide to talk to him, I would convey all this and you let him know that if he ever does it again, from that day forward, you will pray that justice is served upon him. You will pray fervently, that no good will come his way and he will learn the err of his ways. You won’t have to lift a finger.

I guess this is a sore subject for me. But I do think that some men are under the impression or have been taught, somewhere along the line, that to fool around, is a faux paus but acceptable. If I had my way, they’d feel the burn for it. They’d realize just how hurtful it is. They’d learn that it is wormy, not manly.Real men are sure of themselves and do not need to have affairs.

If I were you, I’d make him read this. Tell him, if he wants to talk, he needs to read something. Print this out and hand it to him.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:49 AM    

Labels: Empowerment, Faux Paus, Infidelity, Trust Issues

Words To Live By

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Words to Live By

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

So I met this boy on my birthday a couple of weekends ago on my birthday. We totally hit it off and had a great evening. We flirted a bit at the end of the evening he asked for my phone number. I finally heard from him a week later and we have been talking everyday since. A few days after he started talking to me he told me that he needed to talk to me about something that he should have told me in the beginning. At this point he told me that he was so incredibly sorry that he had not been honest with me in the beginning but he does have a girlfriend. But things with his girlfriend have been really rough for a while. He said that the moment he met me reminded him on what it’s like to have feelings for someone again. He kept apologizing to me and said that the last thing he ever wanted to do was mess with my head or hurt me. It was truly the best apology that I’ve ever gotten in my life. He said he really has feelings for me but just doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want me to stop talking to him and says that I’m not getting in the way. But sometimes I feel like he’s really into talking to me and sometimes I feel the opposite.. I’m really confused on what to do because I do have feelings for this guy and really enjoy talking to him but I don’t know whether I’m bothering him by talking to him or how I would and what should I do about the situation he’s in? Should I continue to talk to him and see where it takes us so should I really just leave him alone and let him come to me? And if I should continue to talk to him, should I really try to get his attention or should I just play it cool?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

You really like this guy and it may have blinded you. Otherwise, you’d have seen the Yield Signs. Then again, if you didn’t have some indicators of caution, you’d not have written, right?

I like this guy but I want you to go into to this with your eyes, wide open. First, you must look at the fact, that he was and is, in another relationship, when he asked for your phone number. Could he or would he do this to you, if you were to get into a relationship?

My point is this; no matter how painful things may get or be, we must embrace complete honesty, in our relationships. What am I talking about?

Ask yourself, if he’s that unhappy, with his current girlfriend and it’s that rocky, that he would have the audacity, to ask you for your phone number, why is he still with her?

I am glad he was honest enough to inform you about this other girl but he’s getting no medal from me. What is his motive for telling you? Is it because you may find out, about her? I don’t know?

He needs to break up with her, if he’s going to talk to you. Now, I can tell you’ve over looked all this because you do like him, a lot, right? I am not going to tell you that this can never work but you must make a stand.

I think you should tell him that you really enjoy his company, talking to him and you would love to further get to know him. But he needs to call you when he’s single and not until.

Open your eyes, wide enough to realize that, he’s not being honest with her, either. I don’t believe you’d viewed this from her standpoint, have you? How will you feel, if and when he does the same thing to you? If you were to become a couple and things just aren’t working out, unbeknownst to you, would it hurt you, if you found he was talking shit to another girl, in the name of a rocky relationship, between you two? I’m not saying he would do it but a man is only as good as his words and actions.

My advice; Girlfriend, you must respect yourself first and never play second fiddle. Did you realize that you were? I am not telling you that your feelings, as well as his are bad. I am not saying he is a bad guy but he may not realize how deceitful, he is being. Tell him to clean up his act and then call you. You owe it to yourself, to demand this. You must always live under the premise, to do unto others, as you want them to do, unto you.

My friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ , someone I met, up close and personal, is not real fond of dishonesty, deceitful, down-n-dirty behavior. I know, I was living my life with complete disregard for others. I was a nasty, vengeful, liar, thief and down right dirty bitch. I did whatever I wanted and didn’t care who I hurt, self-will run riot. Quite often, I did things, regardless but I didn’t think before I did my crimes. I explained things away, that I had to do whatever it was, I felt needed to be done. Many people were hurt, in the wake of my wrath, my behavior. Eventually, it caught up with me and I met Mz. Karma. She put me in Prison and gave me perspective. Now, we’re good friends but she taught me, a few things;

1. Do not judge until I’ve walked a Millennium in their Moccasin.
   
2. If I don’t want it done to me, I’d better not do it to them.
   
3. Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit.
4. I have choices, in everything I do, everything.
5. Try to live without Regret.
6. Be Assertive, not Passive-Aggressive.
7. The Name of the Game is Tame the Shame.
8. Stop saying, “Why me?”
9. Start saying, “Yes, Me!”
10. Realize the Key to Life is Love, Laughter, Family.
11. Life is a series of Tests, learn from them.
12. When I pass a test, I’m given another piece to The Puzzle.
13. The Puzzle pieces are to The Big Picture; Your Life.
14. Live, Learn, Love, Laugh.
15. Let Go & Let God.
    

Words to live by, eh?

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 10:12 AM    

Labels: Honesty, Honesty to self, Mz. Karma Bitchslap, The Big Picture, What I Learned, Words to Live By

I Can’t Stand A No Stand-Up Woman

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I just Can’t Stand A No-Stand Up Woman

I’m a woman, in case you were wondering but there’s nothing I hate worse than a deceptive woman, especially when she tries to get pregnant deceptively or gets pregnant by some other guy and tries to pull a fast one on her current flavor. While I’m on the subject; It is equally disgusting, when women use the law to their advantage and lie about being raped, abused or the like. If it happened, I would fight along side you but I can’t stand a lying, using, deceptive girl, she’s not even a woman, in my book. I’ve seen the ramifications, of these tawdry women, the kind this Mama, warned you about! That said, I direct you to this letter, found on the D.C. Craigslist. It’s a classic and that wanna be woman, deserved it…

Looking for Ryhme or Reason

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Looking for Rhyme and Reason

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi Aunt B,
I am in real turmoil. I am 38, have my own company, successful and attractive (“they” say). I have fallen head over heels for a guy who I met a year and a half ago through a mutual friend. We hit it off when we first met, same interests, job understanding and that thing we call chemistry was was really strong. He ended it with me very quickly back then because his recently former girlfriend got sick and needed him. He chose to go back to her. Let me say, he is honest and upfront- not a player, and I have had many of those, so I know. He lives in NJ and I live in MA so it wasn’t like I was right there to fight for it. His last words to me then were, “I know our paths will cross again, I have got to be there for her, she was there for me when my dad died”- I cried for 3 months. I know how hard it is to find a connection out there and I was heartbroken that the connection from him was cut so short. Fast forward to this March…I sent him a random text to say I was thinking of him and hoped all was well. Our mutual friend has always kept me in the loop with him. In fact, he has said that he thinks we would end up together and that he always asked about me…blah blah blah. He responded right away to the text and said how he had been thinking of me so much and we continued texting very randomly over the next months. I let him know I would be in NYC on business- he called- asked me to a black tie event and said he really wanted to see me. I had my friends apartment in the city to myself and was there for 3 nights…he stayed with me and we had the time of our life….chatted till 4 am every night – talked about “her” and how he had not seen her in 3 months and that it was over. He took me to amazing restaurants and was a total gentleman- we slept in the same bed but didn’t get “physically intimate” for those 3 nights. He than asked me to come back to NY for the weekend to stay with him at his home in NJ. I did. I don’t even have the adjectives to describe the time we had. He described it as “a gift” a second chance- and was open with me about his feelings and wanting to move forward with us…he said he never felt this way with anyone before- I felt the same. It was easy and it felt so right. When I got home, we made plans for the immediate future to spend time in MA where I live etc…THEN- I get the call…he’s in tears, voice shaking…he says his ex – yes her, called to let him know she was 3 months pregnant ! I fell to the floor. I wished I was her, and thats what I told him. He is in a state of disbelief, not sure what to do. He is now visiting family out of the country for a week to “soul search”. I have received a few “thinking of you” and “wish you were here” texts. I told him before he left that I was in this with him if he wanted me to be. He was sick over the fact that I don’t deserve this pain- feels guilty for causing it. The big picture seems dark. I hate that she is carrying his child….its all I ever wanted for myself. What would you do if you were me? Should I hang on and hope he choses love over obligation? My life feels like it is on hold. I also feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. I am able to function but every minute seems like hours. HELP.

Dear Friend,

Wow!I can only imagine what you are going through? Life can seem so sad, so cruel but I think there is hope for your situation. It will take some work, honesty and understanding. But first, before anything else, I recommend that you pray for wisdom. I also pray for my wisdom, as I do with every letter I get, that as I answer it, I may be help and not a hindrance. We are treading on old school obligation and matters of the heart.

I feel you are extremely understanding and have been. I want you to succeed in your happiness but of course, you’ll never want to stand in his way, doing what he feels he needs to do. What I mean by that is the fact that he may also be old school. Not that long ago, if you got a girl pregnant, you married her. Things have changed but for some, they still have those values and beliefs, deeply ingrained.That’s why we need complete, unadulterated, honesty here.

My first impression or assumption from your letter, is that this fella is one of a kind, a good guy, one of those, a rare breed, that still wears a white hat. I also feel, that he had deep feelings, for this girl/woman. He may not have been “in love” with her after a certain period of time but he had “a love” for her. There is, of course, a difference. I think he is “in love” with you and not with her but has a deep sense of obligation as he stood by her side, when she needed him. That is an honorable trait. But he need not be a martyr, nor do you have to be.

This is where the total honesty comes into play. I think you need to state your needs and desires, to be with him and not feel selfish for having said it. In all actuality, you have had a whirlwind romance, twice but you do not have an in depth history. This is why, you must give him that opportunity for moving on and a come what may, attitude.You must realize that he may be torn between loving you and doing the right thing, in his mind. Being open about this is something you will be able to sleep with.

I think, he needs to realize, that he can be there for her but be with you. Playing the martyr, as I mentioned before, may be regrettable for you both. He would have stayed with her, if he was in love, I do believe and that’s only obvious. But I think he can serve his obligation to his child, be with you and keep an open line of communication with her, at all times. But to run to her, simply because she is pregnant, may not be the answer. I imagine he would marry her, which would surely be a hurt piece, you probably don’t want to observe. But for him to marry her and stay in a regrettable relationship, out of obligation, may be the mistake of a lifetime.

Unhappiness and feeling “stuck” in a marriage, does and will reflect on the child. Children are highly intuitive and receptive. They sense when things are not right and we often think they are oblivious, when they are actually right on top of what’s going on. That in itself, it something he must consider. A marriage written, in the name of obligation, with no love, is surely a farce and the days of arranged marriages are long gone. That may, very well be, what it would be like.

I almost suggest, that you have him read this. He will see another view point and it will not be as if you had ulterior motives, a selfish agenda. I say this because, if you go to him and say the same things I just said, he may see you as a selfish woman grasping at straws, which you are not. You are a woman in love and I would be willing to bet that, if he decided to go back to her, doing “the right thing” you would be crushed but you would bow out gracefully. I am right,huh? I don’t think you have a true, out and out, selfish bone in your body. I believe you do not want to hurt anybody, least of all him or his child. But you are a woman in love with a guy who is probably, your soul mate. Yes, I do believe in the premise that there is no such thing as coincidence, magic or luck, only Divine Destiny.The sooner we realize this, the sooner we see things in a different light, a different perspective. When we adopt this way or outlook on life, we see that every single thing happens for a reason. We meet people for a reason and things, sometimes bad things, happen for a reason. We see that it is a test, sometimes the ultimate test. And instead of saying, “Why me?” we say, “OK, what am I supposed to learn from this.” We can then, choose to learn from the experience. You are both being tested, so what is the test for or about and what do you gain or learn from the situation? Of course, I could already point out several answers to that very question but I want you to ask it, of yourself . It’s too late to turn back the hands of time and what’s done is done. Now, it comes down to what you choose to do with all of this; live and learn.

You met this wonderful guy for a reason. This child was conceived for a reason and you have all these feelings and are going through this, for a reason. Search your soul, for that reason.

As I mentioned before, I think complete honesty, is called for. You tell him that you care enough to walk away but you are willing to share his life, to a certain extent and allow him to keep the doors of communication open, concerning his son, whoops, his child. You tell him, that you are willing to put your jealousy’s or whatever, aside, in the best interest of his child. He can meet his child’s financial interests and have a close relationship with that child. By you making it clear that he can have the best of both worlds and a semblance of happiness, you will not exude a semblance of selfishness but reality, an actuality, a way of life. You will do your part by accepting his child into your world and add this child into the integral part of your life.

See, you have to make omissions here too. It is a tall order for you to share this man, in a sense with the child’s mother and to be kind and loving step-mother, to this child. If you can’t do that, you sure as hell, need to back up and walk away. But I feel, you are not that kind of woman and I’d be willing to bet, that you would inexplicably, love this child, as one of your own. This child could have the best of both worlds and a good life because he is loved by you, his father and his mother and everybody is happy, not forced, into a god forsaken situation.

This was, difficult for me to write. I wrestle with old school values, too. But in looking at the whole situation, I think it is in the best interest of the child, for everyone to be in a healthy, loving relationship. The child will flourish, under those conditions.

On a personal level, I can tell you, that doing things out of obligation, can breed resentment, even in the healthiest, most stable person. I married, out of obligation, I was pregnant at 16 and it was a life altering mistake. I grew to love my husband but… I was never “in love” with him. We grew apart and we fought constantly. Don’t you know, my children, my beautiful sons, suffered for my choices.

My suggestion, is for that wonderful guy, who has so captured your heart, for you, to have him, read this. He’ll know, then, that you only want, what’s best for everyone involved and that you are woman enough to do the right thing, if that’s what he chooses. I think it would be regrettable, if he did not follow his heart.

It’s actually so simple. See, the secret to life is love, laughter and family. If you value these things and seek, these things and happiness, you are a brighter spirit, your life, your love will grow. By misconstruing obligation, with what will make, love, laughter and family flourish, well, it may be a grave mistake.

Yes, he made a mistake, this guy, you love so dearly. If he was not ready for a child, he should have taken precaution, right? But we all live in the moment and sex is probably one of the biggest items in that moment. As I said, we can not turn back the hands of time, we can only learn from it. It is another piece of the puzzle, that which is your life, his life. When you take that piece and put it into the puzzle, “The Big Picture,” you begin to see, rhyme and reason. You learn from it and when you do, it is no longer a mistake but a “Learning Experience.” You then try to live, without regret and the reason for your life, as well as his, becomes clearer. You met for a reason. You are going through this, for a reason and you love him, for a reason.

Simplify this, as I said before, by taking the complexity out of the equation. Doing the right thing is following your heart, not jumping back into a unhappy situation. Everyone suffers for it, most of all, the child involved. Know that you must embrace his situation and his child and make it clear that, you will love this child as one of your own.

I have every confidence, that you are capable of all this and you have the knowledge, that he has some “baggage,” he brings to the table. I am not referring to this child as baggage but the whole kit and kaboodle, the whole shot. This can and will work, if everyone looks at things in the aspect of what is best, for the child and not some dumb idea or what, oh my God will the Jones’ say. He can give his name, to the child, on the Birth Certificate and he can represent his financial obligation. You can both continue on in a happy life and in turn, that child will not suffer for bad choices. Now, isn’t that what it’s all about?

 

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:52 AM

Labels: Children in Relationships, Personal Relationships, Pregnancy, The Big Picture, The Puzzle, The Test

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Wrinkles And All

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I don’t know how to explain my situation but I will try to give you an idea. I thought we had a perfect marriage, we never had a fight or even a serious argument in the past eight years of our marriage. Our problem started two years ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was combined with some problems at work which I think made my wife feel a little bit lonely and depressed. With my mother in Law’s illness the whole family went into turmoil. For my wife the word cancer just makes her depressed, Cancer has claimed a number of her family members. Her father died of cancer when she was only 15 years old and her uncle and grandfather died of cancer. My wife took the full responsibility of staying with her mother during her mother’s treatment away from me and our children.

During this period or may be slightly before, my wife developed a relationship with a person she has met while dropping the children to school. She started calling this person on almost a daily basis and during my business trips she will take the opportunity to have long conversations with him. I have discovered this relationship and she first denied her calls and latter she has admitted her relationship. My wife told me that the relationship started because she needed a friend to talk to and she was just speaking about her mother illness. She assured me that there weren’t any sexual relationship and it was just friendly. Our marriage was at risk for me not because of the relationship but because of her not being honest with me. I told her that honesty is key to our marriage and she has betrayed me by not admitting to this relationship.

After a few months of “separation” she has assured me that she was sorry and this person doesn’t mean anything to her. Things were not the same anymore, I always thought of her relationship with this person. And became more suspicious, whenever she speaks on the phone or she gets an sms on the phone I will always think it is from this person. But I was always trying to show that things are ok and was trying to work to suppress my feelings. She stopped contacting this person for a while but after some time this person tried contacting my wife and she called him to inform him not to call her any more and just to leave her alone. She never told me of this incident and when I have asked her if she spoke to him recently she denied it. Later she admitted what happened and again she was sorry and afraid that any contact with this person will jeopardize our marriage. And that is why she didn’t want to tell me. Although it is not a serious incident again, but I was upset because she didn’t tell me immediately of this person trying to contact her. This incident made me even more suspicious, I started looking at her phone whenever I can always thinking of what happened. I told her after awhile that I was loosing my mind and I was always trying to check her phone and I wasn’t getting over of what has happened. She always assured me that this person didn’t mean anything to her. She was lonely during her mother’s treatment and she didn’t know why she started speaking to him but he was always listening to her problems. I thought a good vacation with the kids will make us forget this bad chapter in our relationship and we will try to renew our marriage. Things were going smooth, and I was slowly forgetting everything.

Recently I have discovered that she was searching for this person on a web site specialized for finding friends and school mates. This time I was furious, when I confronted her she admitted to this and she me, told she was stupid to look for him. I stopped speaking to her and I recently informed her that I am tired of her games and I don’t really care for her anymore. I don’t know what to do now? She is currently away. She told me to forgive her it was a stupid thing she did and doesn’t deserve any reaction from me. For me it is a matter of principle and it quickly brought to me the old bad feelings. I told her I will not forgive her, but it is up to her to prove to me that she deserves my trust again. I will not forgive her and I don’t know when I will forgive her for breaking my trust for a third time. I know searching the person name on the internet is not a serious thing, but for me I thought this person will be out of lives forever. And I don’t know why she insists on bringing him back. Please advise me on what to do and if I am over reacting?. For me I am a business man and I travel a lot, I can’t continue looking through her phone bills and checking her phone. Trust is a pillar to any marriage and I have never betrayed her which makes my hurting even greater and my forgiveness harder to gain. We are not speaking together at the moment and she is away and shall be back in few days and I don’t know how to deal with the situation. I don’t know who to consult and you seem that you have seen and experienced so many incidents in your lifetime. For me it is very strange to write to a stranger, but this seems to be easier than speaking to my own family. At the moment we are putting a nice show to both our families that our marriage is healthy but I can’t tolerate this situation any more? Please help?

Please treat this matter with confidentiality.

Thank you for your help.

Anonymous

Man with a Broken Heart

Dear Broken Heart,

I really feel for you. Oddly enough, I too experienced betrayal and know how that feels. My situation was different of course, as he out and out fooled around on me. It was in the very beginning of our relationship and no we weren’t married but we were living in sin, I mean living together, lol! But when a man/woman is telling you that they love you, sleeping in your bed every night, it’s a marriage.

Betrayal is betrayal and it stings no matter who it is. She betrayed you and your trust. I can see that trust is a big issue for you, as well. It is my biggest issue in a relationship, too. If you don’t have it, you are in serious trouble.

I am not trying to incite you but it almost pulled me under too and I almost lost my mind. It brought out a jealous and possessive, untrusting side, well, I never want to be that person again. I was digging through his car and checking the phone and watching his every move, questioning his behaviors and I even thought he was sneaking out at night, after I’d gone to bed. I would check the windows and I was an obsessed mess. That was partly, my fault because I allowed him to make me crazy. Of course, I should have kicked him to the curb but it was a Fatal Attraction. It was never a healthy relationship. This man was abusive as well and I never trusted his emotions, even long after the physical abuse had stopped.

My point is, that once you have been betrayed, on any level, not once, not twice but three times, it is hard to trust her emotions, even if she is sincere. What she did, was wrong and you need only to spin the perspective. How would she have liked it, if she’d found out, that you were doing the same thing. Appearance doesn’t make or break the situation but what if you were chatting it up with some really pretty girl? If she found out, I’ll bet she’d go ballistic. She catches you and you say you’ll stop talking to her, for the sake of the marriage. But for whatever reason or your supposed “need to end it”, you were not honest and you did not tell her about that conversation, she’d want your balls, on a platter. But then, she finds out, you are looking for this woman, on the internet. Well, suffice it to say, she is not going to believe you or any word that comes out of your mouth.

Now, I’m gonna go gansta here. I am going to be very blunt and I set this up, for a reason. I am an extremely caring person. I am empathic and compassionate but I am going to speak the truth here;
I don’t care what circumstance it was or is, she was wrong. I do not care what problems she had or has, she is wrong. I know Cancer is a terrible thing. My own Father died from Cancer but that does not give me license to chat up some guy.

I think you were more than understanding and tried very hard, not to behave like a jealous husband. But I think this problem may go much deeper, than the fact that she needed to talk to somebody, anybody because of her situation.

Now, I am not a marriage counselor and will admit it is not my specialty. You may need counseling and it’s a good possibility that it could improve and save your marriage.

But you wrote to me and I will give my opinion because you asked me to.

In order for you to heal from this, you must be able to forgive her, right? But she must also be or admit to her wrong doing and I don’t mean just saying the words. She must realize that she had no business even talking to this guy on such an intimate level. She must also realize, just how badly, she has hurt you. She has to know, that you feel betrayed. Before she can truly be remorseful, she must truly understand the nature of her crime against you.

It has taken me years to get to the point where I believe that we must do our damnedest to save our marriages. I am a firm believer that God frowns upon those who just jump ship, only to climb aboard another. It is not to say, that in some instances, it is just about the only answer but we must first do, whatever it takes to work it out.

In this case, I think you need to put things into perspective. She needs to understand that it is not your fault that she felt the need to run, proverbially, to another man for comfort, in a trying time. She needs to understand that , you are not a mind reader and if she needs to be comforted, you are always there for her, whether you are there physically or not. She needs to understand that you are not buying her supposed need for comfort in a trying time. That was only a lie, she told herself and you. She needs to understand just how devastating her actions were and you must project, just exactly how she would feel, if you had done the same damn thing, to her.

How would she like to find out, all along, you’ve been too friendly with a gal and were comforted by her because you were having a hard time at your job. I would be willing to call her a liar to her face, if she told me, she wouldn’t mind, you doing the same exact thing. So, let’s quit using excuses and medical illnesses for a much deeper need.

Having said this, we must ask ourselves, what was her true agenda, the true nature of her behavior? Maybe, she didn’t fool around but she might as well have. Yes, it’s that serious and it’s the principle of the whole damn mess. She may, in her mind, think, “Well, I didn’t do anything,” but the shoe need only, to be put on the other foot. You were not there for all the conversations and do not know what was or was not said. My mind would be running rampant with implication.

She needs to understand that even the best intentions can be misconstrued. If you did the same thing and left her to wonder, if your heart had wandered, she’d probably understand this bitter bullshit. Yes siree, you can bet your bum, we need a good ol’ dose of reality and truth here. If it is to work, you must put your ego and anger aside and talk about all of you feelings. She has got to know, how it feels to be betrayed, even on this level.

OK, I’m gonna go gansta again. You are not innocent either, now are you? You have been somewhat removed and barely there. You have been going on with life, as if things would always be the same and she’d always be there. You quit working at your marriage. Marriage is much like a business deal. You have to produce and work at it or the Company folds. You almost had a hostile takeover. You almost lost your VP to another Company. That other Company was trying to recruit your best Executive.

Now, I know you love her and she knows you love her. But we all need to have it enforced and you must be productive, in entertaining her heart. See, I think, you didn’t mean to, but you took her love, for granted. You may have been within ear shot of any conversation she needed to have but she didn’t feel you were really there. Do you understand what I mean, when I say, you were not there?

You can be in the same room, standing beside or even in bed, making whoopie with someone but you are not there and your heart is not in it. You became detached. You didn’t mean to but you both drifted apart. You took that love for granted, didn’t you?

It’s like this, a man can tell his wife, he loves her, a million times but they are only words. She needs to feel it in his love making, in his whisper, in her ear. She needs to see it in his eyes.

I want you to begin to try to heal from this but be more aware as a whole. I want you to take her by the hand, walk with her and ask her, really, why she felt the need to go to another man, even emotionally? Tell her you want complete honesty, from that moment on. If she wants things to work, between you two, she must always be honest.

Tell her that you are not a mind reader and if she needs to be comforted, she need only, to come to you and you will always be there for her. I think she will tell you, that she felt you were not, emotionally there, for her. You tell her, you are sorry for that and you are willing to work harder on this. She needs to know that she abused your trust and she was wrong but you want things to work. You then ask her, what does she want from your marriage? Does she want it to be a life full of lies, betrayal and half truths? A better recipe would be complete and utter truth and a willingness to make it work. She must decide, then and there, as well as you, that the both of you will do what it takes to make it work.

From that moment on, you will not rub her nose in it but she must know, that you will never be gullible again. The innocence is lost. But if she wants to work at this, the lines of communication must always be open and you both need to work at, a loving and rewarding relationship. You must both learn from this and to never take each other for granted again. Marriage is a symbol of your love and that love, should never be, anything but a priority in your lives. After all, when all hell breaks loose and people come and go, your children move away, it must be consolation, that you’ve worked, all your lives, not for a house and home, cars and vacations but to wake to someone who loves you, unconditionally, wrinkles and all.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:30 AM    

Labels: Close to Infidelity, Marriage Issues, Never Take Love for Granted, Relationship Issues, Working Your Marriage

Polished Perception

Saturday, May 26, 2007

A Polished Perception

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

First I’d just like to start off by saying that I have been in a very good relationship for about 3 ½ years. I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret anything by thinking I am unhappy or really unsure.. Because all I’m really looking for is a little input, blunt, honest input. My boyfriend & I were long distance for most of those 3 years.. However it was a healthy, trustworthy long distance relationship. This past fall he decided he wanted to make things easier and better for us.. He went through a lot of trouble and made the impossible possible to leave his life, family, everything back at home and come move closer to me. He moved here knowing that he wouldn’t be able to see me as much as he expected because we are both attending college full time.. Are still about an hour away and plus things have been hard for me at home. I have the boyfriend that all the friends and family love.. That everyone thinks is so perfect, it is nice however when things are so good to be true.. It causes a little tilt in the relationship to be a nightmare. I’ve learned that by some rocky roads that we have hit. I have never had any trust issues with him, always felt secure and confident about us.. He feels the same. A couple of months ago I started to discover some things.. Long story short– I learned that he lied about silly things, like going out for lunches or hanging out with a group of people (girls included) He has proven to me that it was all innocent. I am not the jealous, crazy type.. I never thought I had to be. I always trusted him to be around whoever whenever and still respect our relationship & vice versa. What hurts me the most is the dishonesty. I will admit.. I have dealt with the situations in childish ways but I am just not used mess up’s and refuse to get used to things like that. I over analyze a lot.. I have discovered that the Lies were all innocent .. And in most cases weren’t technically lies but still he did make decisions that he wouldn’t like done to him. I am certain that he is sorry.. I am certain and feel reassured that I have nothing to worry about in the “ has he been faithful” category. Like a typical woman=) .. I won’t get into detail about things I have done to hurt him that he has forgiven me for .. But I do admit to that & he has always been very forgiving. But my pride tells me that I don’t need to feel obligated to forgive him & that I should consider it something that jeopardized our relationship and leave him.. Because if he cared he wouldn’t Lie.. Or keep things away from me. I am a type of woman who “won’t stand for nothing” with constructive criticism from my close friends I realize that it would be a mistake to break off such a great relationship for something like this.. They tell me I tend to be very protective of myself and shouldn’t let my pride get in my way this time w/ someone like him(they feel this way b/c they know who he is and think I should take into consideration all he‘s done for me and trust they were all honest mistakes, they tell me I need to put my pride down. My gut instinct tells me I’d be silly to leave him.. I am not really even angry at him about the situation anymore, I don’t bring it up. But I do think about it a lot.. And at times I feel that continuing and accepting this will mean I’m “ just another weak woman” for accepting someone into my life who has done this. I’m going to stop right here.. I think I might of made things seem worse then they really are ( I tend to do that) but I just want to make sure I get the most brutal honesty there is out there.

Let me try to elaborate more to familiarize you w/ my relationship & who I am…maybe this seems strange to u that I’m coming to a complete stranger..but i am young & have a strong belief that unbiased opinions could be more reliable than biased..& not sayin that what my family and friends have to say isnt right but from ur feedback u def seem to know what ur talking about..So out of curiousity taking all that i’ve mentioned into consideration & now after the fact .. What would YOU do with the same scenerio, try to put urself in my shoes for a min..how would u handle the situation ?
.. I don’t really know what this says about me(taking-seeking advice from a complete stranger) but hey you seem educated, realistic, sincere & strong-minded. I got that observation just from your comment you left..on my post that I’m somewhat ashamed of. I really think about it now, I don’t know why/how I let myself go as far as posting something seeking advice on the web..but I guess it was my childish side looking for more input on something so minor & i’m leaving a lot of things out that I’ve done or handled things that contribute to the reason I’ve prob become a mess over this..and leaving out things i’ve done to him that are prob just eating at me now.. So I just wanted to elaborate a little more hoping you can give me even more advice in return. See all of this happend months ago & obviously my gut instinct told me I should believe.. with the proof an all that he was faithful, that I never doubted. Neither of us have ever been the jealous types, i’ve never gave him the idea that I had a problem w/ him having female friends. Also another thing.. it seems that a lot of mature adults i went to for advice in healthy relationships don’t consider what he’s done as “lying” b/c well i guess w/ a little digging i happend to find out what i’ve never asked or questioned before. However I refuse to take any of that in–because it still wasn’t right & he agrees. In your comment you mentioned how I should know WHY he lied. When all this happend.. in short, his explanations were that the females in the group were girls who he knew through his guy friends he made in his dorm. & that he was around the girls when he was invited to lunch or dinner a few times as a group of the new transfer college kids that lived on the same floor or would just run into each other & it would happen at random. I completely understood but i was dissapointed; b/c i told him then what is the reason from keeping that information from me. He said he never thought of it that way, and that he knows thats a mistake, he said that he never really knew who would or wouldn’t show up & that it was all a very honest mistake.. that he never realized that maybe it could be wrong,that he never looked at it that way never thought of it in that way.. he was/is sorry. he begged for forgiveness but then told me he understands if i couldn’t forgive him for something as little as this b/c he doesn’t know how else to explain something that didn’t mean anything at all. So basically his reasons why.. were never that he “needed space” or “didn’t want to hurt me” or whatever other cliche things ppl lie about even when it is innocent. I realize that I put much more weight on the issue than there really was,do u agree?..after so many interegating conversations i put him through for it–i could tell. Because I realized that I made it more important then it was, made things mean more thn they really did: so i basically trapped him into apologizing and explaining it as if it were the greatest sin he’s ever committed. A little about me: I am young, almost 20 yrs old, overprotective of myself, perfectionist, refuse to take in negative feelings, never believed in mistakes, over analyze everything, care too much, hypocritical, & I am recently trying to recover from a minor eating disorder(which seems to be a result of all the above personal issues that i have struggled with before my relationship, w/ or w/o him this has been me.. so as u can see maybe A lot of my personal issues/insecurities add to why I felt such betrayal by such childish things(?) & felt that i was maybe degrading myself if i was forgiving.. But I thank you so much & trust, even as a stranger.. you won’t belittle my opening up to you & that you are being honest & I’d really appreciate some more input when you get the chance. Sorry that it might seem a little choppy & Long —

– please reply to this e-mail. thank you

Well, I’ll start at the bottom, of your letter and work my way up. Somehow, I can relate to your letter, completely. Your feelings are real and right. They belong to you and it is what you choose to do with them, that will make the difference.

Your guy told some dumb white lies, that really were inconsequential but lies are lies and we have to wonder what the motive was or is. Maybe he was trying to impress and it backfired on his butt. He feels the sting of that, now, I am quite sure.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with you, as a person, the whole package. I see nothing wrong with your desire for the best. You will be successful in life, by your desires alone. But of course, we are all human and we tend to mess up from time to time. That is why the words forgive and forget were invented. But I feel there is more to this, in your eyes, than a simple premise of forgive and forget. It’s the principle of the incidents.

You may never really know exactly why he did and said what he did or implied. That is really not the important thing here. I have the feeling, he may have tried to make you think. What was he trying to make you think about? Was it to appreciate him because he is a desirable guy or that he is living a life, he wishes he could? I think it is running at the mouth syndrome. Many men are infected with the false bravo bug. But there is a cure for that.

My gut instincts tell me that, you will not settle for any bullshit relationship and that is right. In fact I encourage it. There is no law that says we must marry and be unhappy. But you want it right the first time. Your strict requirements for someone to engage your heart are reasonable but you must remember that men are not mind readers and they often have a need to draw attention to their manlihood. It is an age old practice and he is not any different than any other guy. So, what to do? You must reassure him from time to time. I did not say fluff his ego in a patronizing manner but never take him for granted, even if you are independent enough, that you do not need him. I know this to be true but you can not, turn it on and off when you wish, meaning you have to view a relationship, such as yours, as you let him be the man, you be the woman in the full text of the relationship and you give credit where credit is due. What I mean by that, is that there are always things, we as women need help with. In turn, this world revolves around women and the world would literally stop, if it were not for women. Do you understand what I am saying?

We as women have been put in our place but we need to empower ourselves with the fact that life and population and all things would come to a full stop, if you eradicated women. As well, we must appreciate our men, too. From the little things they do, you know, the unpleasantries in life and so on. I can not put my finger on the complex premise of what I am trying to say here, except to tell you that you do not have to bend or bow, you just have to communicate.

I realize that you do not want to harp on him, about this subject and there’s nothing worse than a nag but obviously, this is still a deep cut and I understand why.

It is my suggestion, that you sit your guy down and you say that you do not want to bring up the past, in the context to squeeze out any more apology. You have forgiven him but you have not forgotten. There’s a reason, it has scored you. You feel a bit of betrayal, understandably. So, you explain that you feel a bit of betrayal. He will probably look at you like, “What the hell are you talking about?” And he may even say or think, “What the hell is the big deal?” This is where you must explain to him, that you expect the very best from the best.

I’d be willing to bet that you are a gorgeous women and I’d further bet, that one half of you knows it and the other half tells you that you are crazy, for thinking that. One half of you knows that you can get whatever it is you want, whether it be a guy, job, degree, whatever. You have an extremely strong personality and are a go getter. So, I think you know that you could have another guy. But you do not want another guy and except for this, group of incidents, he has proven his loyalty. But you expect the best from the best and will not stand for anything less. You need to tell him this. Then you need to stand firmly on the fact that you will, can and should show him that’s what’s good for the goose, is always good for the Gander with a capital “G.”

You point out to him, that he must always remember this. It is this conversation, which will mold and shape your relationship. Sometimes, a fella just needs his gal to take him by the hand and show him the world. You will and can do this and remind him that behind every good and great man, is a powerful woman, one who realizes and is fine being a woman, loves being in her own skin and has the understanding that your man, is your equal, regardless of physical attributes.

He in turn must also realize this. You are his equal and for whatever reason, that he is attracted to you, it has to be more than your good looks. He knows this and I do think he has a few insecurities. You must assure him that in your eyes, he is “The One” and you do not see anything else. So he needs to stop trying to make you think or appreciate him or playing any other games he might think up. You will not tolerate it because you do not have to. You must say this in an assertive way, matter of fact but in a loving manner.

You must also explain to him that you do not need him but that you want him. You point out, that there is a distinct difference. In order for things to work, in your world, the most important thing, is complete and total honesty. It is only through this, that trust, a variable that is paramount to every healthy relationship, grows and becomes second nature.
You must be able to trust his emotions, as well as handing him your heart. I believe you are a woman, of a higher caliber and will not and refuse to hand the keys to your heart to just anybody. Actually, he does not even realize that he is a lucky guy. There must be something about him that has entertained and played your heart strings all this time. Am I right or what?

No, he’s not real good looking, not bad looking either. I think, he is a well rounded package and you want to keep it that way. He needs to appreciate the fact that you are a deep thinker but your love is deeper than most women. When you love, you love with every fiber of your being and you, indeed, are a rare breed. You are for real, you play for keeps and will kick the crap out of anything that stands in your way. You are the kind of woman that wears a Bitch Belt proudly but you simply want things to be right, not partly right but every little bit, every nook and cranny, every niche, polished, proudly.

You tell your guy that you will wipe the slate clean. But you want complete honesty from this moment on. You have chosen him because of his attributes and even the littlest of lies, tarnishes that. More importantly, I do believe, that he does not understand that, you not only love him but you respect him. You hold him in the highest regard and telling the smallest of lies, takes away from that. It’s that damn simple, that’s it and that’s all. Now, you lean over and kiss him and whisper in his ear;
“Never again, should you tarnish that polished perception, I have of you, in my very soul.”

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:15 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: Aunt Babz Bitch Belt, Empowerment, Personal Relationships, Realistic Goals

I Can’t Stand A No Stand-Up Woman

I’m a woman, in case you were wondering but there’s nothing I hate worse than a deceptive woman, especially when she tries to get pregnant deceptively or gets pregnant by some other guy and tries to pull a fast one on her current flavor. While I’m on the subject; It is equally disgusting, when women use the law to their advantage and lie about being raped, abused or the like. If it happened, I would fight along side you but I can’t stand a lying, using, deceptive girl, she’s not even a woman, in my book. I’ve seen the ramifications, of these tawdry women, the kind this Mama, warned you about! That said, I direct you to this letter, found on the D.C. Craigslist. It’s a classic and that wanna be woman, deserved it…

Looking for Rhyme or Reason

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Looking for Rhyme and Reason

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi Aunt B,
I am in real turmoil. I am 38, have my own company, successful and attractive (“they” say). I have fallen head over heels for a guy who I met a year and a half ago through a mutual friend. We hit it off when we first met, same interests, job understanding and that thing we call chemistry was was really strong. He ended it with me very quickly back then because his recently former girlfriend got sick and needed him. He chose to go back to her. Let me say, he is honest and upfront- not a player, and I have had many of those, so I know. He lives in NJ and I live in MA so it wasn’t like I was right there to fight for it. His last words to me then were, “I know our paths will cross again, I have got to be there for her, she was there for me when my dad died”- I cried for 3 months. I know how hard it is to find a connection out there and I was heartbroken that the connection from him was cut so short. Fast forward to this March…I sent him a random text to say I was thinking of him and hoped all was well. Our mutual friend has always kept me in the loop with him. In fact, he has said that he thinks we would end up together and that he always asked about me…blah blah blah. He responded right away to the text and said how he had been thinking of me so much and we continued texting very randomly over the next months. I let him know I would be in NYC on business- he called- asked me to a black tie event and said he really wanted to see me. I had my friends apartment in the city to myself and was there for 3 nights…he stayed with me and we had the time of our life….chatted till 4 am every night – talked about “her” and how he had not seen her in 3 months and that it was over. He took me to amazing restaurants and was a total gentleman- we slept in the same bed but didn’t get “physically intimate” for those 3 nights. He than asked me to come back to NY for the weekend to stay with him at his home in NJ. I did. I don’t even have the adjectives to describe the time we had. He described it as “a gift” a second chance- and was open with me about his feelings and wanting to move forward with us…he said he never felt this way with anyone before- I felt the same. It was easy and it felt so right. When I got home, we made plans for the immediate future to spend time in MA where I live etc…THEN- I get the call…he’s in tears, voice shaking…he says his ex – yes her, called to let him know she was 3 months pregnant ! I fell to the floor. I wished I was her, and thats what I told him. He is in a state of disbelief, not sure what to do. He is now visiting family out of the country for a week to “soul search”. I have received a few “thinking of you” and “wish you were here” texts. I told him before he left that I was in this with him if he wanted me to be. He was sick over the fact that I don’t deserve this pain- feels guilty for causing it. The big picture seems dark. I hate that she is carrying his child….its all I ever wanted for myself. What would you do if you were me? Should I hang on and hope he choses love over obligation? My life feels like it is on hold. I also feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. I am able to function but every minute seems like hours. HELP.

Dear Friend,

Wow!I can only imagine what you are going through? Life can seem so sad, so cruel but I think there is hope for your situation. It will take some work, honesty and understanding. But first, before anything else, I recommend that you pray for wisdom. I also pray for my wisdom, as I do with every letter I get, that as I answer it, I may be help and not a hindrance. We are treading on old school obligation and matters of the heart.

I feel you are extremely understanding and have been. I want you to succeed in your happiness but of course, you’ll never want to stand in his way, doing what he feels he needs to do. What I mean by that is the fact that he may also be old school. Not that long ago, if you got a girl pregnant, you married her. Things have changed but for some, they still have those values and beliefs, deeply ingrained.That’s why we need complete, unadulterated, honesty here.

My first impression or assumption from your letter, is that this fella is one of a kind, a good guy, one of those, a rare breed, that still wears a white hat. I also feel, that he had deep feelings, for this girl/woman. He may not have been “in love” with her after a certain period of time but he had “a love” for her. There is, of course, a difference. I think he is “in love” with you and not with her but has a deep sense of obligation as he stood by her side, when she needed him. That is an honorable trait. But he need not be a martyr, nor do you have to be.

This is where the total honesty comes into play. I think you need to state your needs and desires, to be with him and not feel selfish for having said it. In all actuality, you have had a whirlwind romance, twice but you do not have an in depth history. This is why, you must give him that opportunity for moving on and a come what may, attitude.You must realize that he may be torn between loving you and doing the right thing, in his mind. Being open about this is something you will be able to sleep with.

I think, he needs to realize, that he can be there for her but be with you. Playing the martyr, as I mentioned before, may be regrettable for you both. He would have stayed with her, if he was in love, I do believe and that’s only obvious. But I think he can serve his obligation to his child, be with you and keep an open line of communication with her, at all times. But to run to her, simply because she is pregnant, may not be the answer. I imagine he would marry her, which would surely be a hurt piece, you probably don’t want to observe. But for him to marry her and stay in a regrettable relationship, out of obligation, may be the mistake of a lifetime.

Unhappiness and feeling “stuck” in a marriage, does and will reflect on the child. Children are highly intuitive and receptive. They sense when things are not right and we often think they are oblivious, when they are actually right on top of what’s going on. That in itself, it something he must consider. A marriage written, in the name of obligation, with no love, is surely a farce and the days of arranged marriages are long gone. That may, very well be, what it would be like.

I almost suggest, that you have him read this. He will see another view point and it will not be as if you had ulterior motives, a selfish agenda. I say this because, if you go to him and say the same things I just said, he may see you as a selfish woman grasping at straws, which you are not. You are a woman in love and I would be willing to bet that, if he decided to go back to her, doing “the right thing” you would be crushed but you would bow out gracefully. I am right,huh? I don’t think you have a true, out and out, selfish bone in your body. I believe you do not want to hurt anybody, least of all him or his child. But you are a woman in love with a guy who is probably, your soul mate. Yes, I do believe in the premise that there is no such thing as coincidence, magic or luck, only Divine Destiny.The sooner we realize this, the sooner we see things in a different light, a different perspective. When we adopt this way or outlook on life, we see that every single thing happens for a reason. We meet people for a reason and things, sometimes bad things, happen for a reason. We see that it is a test, sometimes the ultimate test. And instead of saying, “Why me?” we say, “OK, what am I supposed to learn from this.” We can then, choose to learn from the experience. You are both being tested, so what is the test for or about and what do you gain or learn from the situation? Of course, I could already point out several answers to that very question but I want you to ask it, of yourself . It’s too late to turn back the hands of time and what’s done is done. Now, it comes down to what you choose to do with all of this; live and learn.

You met this wonderful guy for a reason. This child was conceived for a reason and you have all these feelings and are going through this, for a reason. Search your soul, for that reason.

As I mentioned before, I think complete honesty, is called for. You tell him that you care enough to walk away but you are willing to share his life, to a certain extent and allow him to keep the doors of communication open, concerning his son, whoops, his child. You tell him, that you are willing to put your jealousy’s or whatever, aside, in the best interest of his child. He can meet his child’s financial interests and have a close relationship with that child. By you making it clear that he can have the best of both worlds and a semblance of happiness, you will not exude a semblance of selfishness but reality, an actuality, a way of life. You will do your part by accepting his child into your world and add this child into the integral part of your life.

See, you have to make omissions here too. It is a tall order for you to share this man, in a sense with the child’s mother and to be kind and loving step-mother, to this child. If you can’t do that, you sure as hell, need to back up and walk away. But I feel, you are not that kind of woman and I’d be willing to bet, that you would inexplicably, love this child, as one of your own. This child could have the best of both worlds and a good life because he is loved by you, his father and his mother and everybody is happy, not forced, into a god forsaken situation.

This was, difficult for me to write. I wrestle with old school values, too. But in looking at the whole situation, I think it is in the best interest of the child, for everyone to be in a healthy, loving relationship. The child will flourish, under those conditions.

On a personal level, I can tell you, that doing things out of obligation, can breed resentment, even in the healthiest, most stable person. I married, out of obligation, I was pregnant at 16 and it was a life altering mistake. I grew to love my husband but… I was never “in love” with him. We grew apart and we fought constantly. Don’t you know, my children, my beautiful sons, suffered for my choices.

My suggestion, is for that wonderful guy, who has so captured your heart, for you, to have him, read this. He’ll know, then, that you only want, what’s best for everyone involved and that you are woman enough to do the right thing, if that’s what he chooses. I think it would be regrettable, if he did not follow his heart.

It’s actually so simple. See, the secret to life is love, laughter and family. If you value these things and seek, these things and happiness, you are a brighter spirit, your life, your love will grow. By misconstruing obligation, with what will make, love, laughter and family flourish, well, it may be a grave mistake.

Yes, he made a mistake, this guy, you love so dearly. If he was not ready for a child, he should have taken precaution, right? But we all live in the moment and sex is probably one of the biggest items in that moment. As I said, we can not turn back the hands of time, we can only learn from it. It is another piece of the puzzle, that which is your life, his life. When you take that piece and put it into the puzzle, “The Big Picture,” you begin to see, rhyme and reason. You learn from it and when you do, it is no longer a mistake but a “Learning Experience.” You then try to live, without regret and the reason for your life, as well as his, becomes clearer. You met for a reason. You are going through this, for a reason and you love him, for a reason.

Simplify this, as I said before, by taking the complexity out of the equation. Doing the right thing is following your heart, not jumping back into a unhappy situation. Everyone suffers for it, most of all, the child involved. Know that you must embrace his situation and his child and make it clear that, you will love this child as one of your own.

I have every confidence, that you are capable of all this and you have the knowledge, that he has some “baggage,” he brings to the table. I am not referring to this child as baggage but the whole kit and kaboodle, the whole shot. This can and will work, if everyone looks at things in the aspect of what is best, for the child and not some dumb idea or what, oh my God will the Jones’ say. He can give his name, to the child, on the Birth Certificate and he can represent his financial obligation. You can both continue on in a happy life and in turn, that child will not suffer for bad choices. Now, isn’t that what it’s all about?

 

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:52 AM

Labels: Children in Relationships, Personal Relationships, Pregnancy, The Big Picture, The Puzzle, The Test

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Woman to Woman

Friday, April 20, 2007

Woman to Woman

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,
Hello, my name is Jessica and I am 22 years old. I really don’t know where to start… ok, back in 2004 I joined the US navy and that is where I met my current husband (he was stationed in Virginia and I was stationed in Florida). When we got married we really didn’t know a whole lot about each other, just that we were “in love”, we got married in July of 2005. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant….. come to find out when I was 8 months pregnant my husband came out and told me that he had cheated on me, he apologized, begged for forgiveness, said it would never happen again etc…. after having a serious conversation about our marriage I decided I would forgive him and try to move past the mistake he made. So far our whole marriage we have not lived together due to the military. December of 2006 I got out of the Navy and instead of moving to Virginia with my husband I moved back to my hometown due to our financial situation and moved in with my mother, I thought it would help us save money for awhile and it would be easier to pay off bills. (which we did) Currently I am still with my mother, but my husband and I are talking about moving me and the baby to Virginia this July after my sisters wedding. And this is a big problem for my mother, she tells me she believes that he is still cheating on me, and that he has never stopped, she is afraid that I am going to move there and find out for myself that he is cheating and then not have enough money to move back home, and that she can’t afford to move me back if I have to. Umm, this is really a big fight between my mother and I, a constant battle. To me it would only make sense, that if my husband did not want to be married to me that it would be 10 times easier for him to tell me over the phone that he wants a divorce then to tell me to my face… on the other hand my mother thinks that he is avoiding divorce because he doesn’t want to have to pay child support. All I hear from my mother is negative comments over and over and over…. and really its just driving me insane. My gut feeling tells me that he is not cheating on me and that I trust him. I’ll admit that every once and while I think about it… the “what if” questions tend to pop into my mind sometimes. But if he was with another woman and didn’t want to be with me, why would he want to plan to move me to Virginia?? That just wouldn’t make sense to me. So my question is, what do I do?!?!?! The only thing that would please my mother is if I divorce him, she thinks he is no good. But I don’t want to live life to please my mother….. I have to think about myself. Right? Just any advice about this whole situation would be great….. Thank you for your time.

Dear Jessica,

While I feel it is important for a woman to respect her Mother, note that I used the word “woman.” I truly feel for your situation and my gut instincts tell me, if he was truly about cheating, he wouldn’t want you to move to Virginia. That would be stupid on his part, now wouldn’t it? In addition, you will always hear me, rather, see me write that we must pay attention to our gut instincts. Yours, has told you that he is faithful. He obviously loves you or he’d make excuses why you should stay with Mom. That would be the easy way out, right? While we can’t know what tomorrow brings, your place is with your husband. If you stay with Mom and never dip your toe in, to test the water, you’ll never know or have the chance at a happy marriage. If nothing else, you must consider, that your child may need his/her father. I do believe that children need both parents, unless it makes complete and utter warfare. That scenario, is never good for the child. But where there is love, there is a happy child.

I imagine, in this case, you had to tell Mom, why you were moving home. Let this be a lesson for you, as well as the countless couples out there, that you never tell Mama. I wrote about it here. As you see, this is a textbook case, of you forgiving your husband but Mom can’t. He hurt her baby and she wants nothing more to do with him. This puts a strain on you and your mothers relationship. Live and learn, as I did!
I think that your rightful place is with your husband. If you two are to make a go of it, moving to Virginia is the answer. But how do we get Mom, to see this?

Perspective

You may have to dig and think of an incident, where your Mother was hurt by someone and she forgave them. Why do I have the feeling that your Father is not in the picture? If he is, in the picture, surely, there is something he did, through the years, to hurt your mother. They say that Love is Never Having to Say You’re Sorry (Love Story 1970’s) I don’t know about you but there are countless times where I was hurt and I hurt someone else. It may not have been on a grand scale but find something that was done, to make your point. Then, you show Mom, how when this person apologized to her, for the harm they had done, she accepted it. But what if you had not? What if you had held a grudge and made things difficult?
You must point out, how it would feel, if you refused to let go of what was done to her, which of course, would makes things rather difficult.

I think Mom is only trying to look out for your welfare and suffice it to say, she means no harm. Just like most Mom’s, she doesn’t want her child to hurt or to be hurt and wants to protect you. But you are a woman, no longer a little girl and you may have to point this out. She may have to realize that she needs to respect your wishes and put her feelings aside for the betterment of your marriage.

A man shall leave his mother, a woman shall leave her home. When you marry a man, he becomes your family. Unless he is actually hurting you, your place is in that home. You must point out to Mom, that your rightful place is with your husband and you must try for the sake of your child, as well. Maybe ask Mom, what it is, the real reason, why she has such disdain for your husband. If it was because he fooled around, she must understand that it is your decision to forgive him and out of respect, she should try to put her feelings aside and try to understand that you love your husband dearly and you want it to work.

You sit Mom down, have some coffee and tell her that you want to speak to her woman to woman, not mother and daughter. This will set the stage for a capsuled scenario of understanding and outlook. You also state that you do not want to argue or upset her, you simply want to talk. You would appreciate an audience with her that is not filled with angry thoughts or words, just woman to woman.
You then tell her that, you want, you need, her blessings and understanding. It is eating you up, the fact that you want to be with your husband and she can’t stand the idea. You tell her, you would hope she could find it in her heart to forgive him, for the sake of your child as well as yourself. You say that you must give this a chance but you must have her blessings. You can’t stand the thought that this would upset her, as you respect her, love her and never want to hurt her. You can point out that if we never forgave people, the world would stop and in your little world, it is falling apart. While you understand and respect her feelings, you would ask that she respect and try to understand yours and the love that you have for your husband. It is then, that you point out, that you are going into this, with your eyes wide open. You will not be stupid, you will be on your toes, concerning, if he has impropriety on his mind. You will also stash some money, a “Just in Case” fund. You ask Mom, to please try and understand, try to see how being away from your husband and her animosity towards him, is more than you can bear. Can she find it in her heart, possibly, to forgive?

Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt

You will then make your husband, more than aware of the fact that, this has torn you and your family apart. You will not stand for any monkey business and if he’s not serious, he needs to say so and go on with his life, minus yours. You tell him that a true man is about honesty and if you do not make him happy, he must say so. Say something before you go out there, with fooling around on your mind. Point out to him, that you are done crucifying him for what he has done, you choose to forgive him. It is only because you do have undying love for him, that you are able to forgive him. It does not mean that he got away with it and you will never be gullible again. Then, you ask him, how would he feel, if you had done that to him? Would he forgive you? Would he trust you and would his own mother, forgive you? Perspective. You must let him know that if he hurts you again, you will not be as nice and you will do your damnedest to make his life a living hell. Let his imagination ponder that and never tell him what you are talking about, just let him know that it is not an idle threat but an extremely calculated and well thought plan. Keep him on his toes, make him think!

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Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:57 PM

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Cheating, Fixing Family, Personal Relationships, Respecting Mother