Weighing The Odds

Friday, June 5, 2009

Weighing The Odds

Dear Aunt B,

I’ve just recently graduated high school. I’m dating a great guy who(unfortunately) has had a few run-ins with the law that will stay with him for the rest of his life(these happened many years ago for him, and he’s 20). He and I are polar opposites(different favorite genres of music, different movie favorites, everything) and yet somehow we usually work well together. Our relationship has been off and on for the past two years(my parents don’t approve of us being together), and last year I started talking to him again after a prior breakup, but my parents found out and I had to cut off communications with him.

A few months after not talking to him, a friend asked me out and I said yes. My now-boyfriend found out during the summer about this friend and I dating(he saw us walking together and at that point he still assumed we were dating cause I hadn’t been able to tell him otherwise), and it really hurt him. About 8 months ago I broke up with my friend(he turned into a jerk) and a month or so later(after I had cooled down) I started talking to my boyfriend again, apologizing and explaining what happened. He accepted my apology and took me back. We’ve been currently dating for about 7-8 months. I’ve also recently got a Facebook(never really wanted one before, but friends wanted me to, so I decided to try it) and through it I connected with people I haven’t seen in a long time. I found a guy on there that has been my friend for about 6 years now, so I started talking to him again.

Just a sidenote, because my parents don’t approve of me dating my boyfriend, I have to hide it from them and can usually only talk to him through IM and only occasionally see him until I move to college.

Anyways, so my friend(who’s 23. Yeah, I know, what’s up with the older guys, right?) and I caught up through Facebook. He was dating a girl at that time, and I tried to help him through problems they were having, but they ended up breaking up. About a month or so later of us talking, he told me that he feels something for me(he knows I have a boyfriend, but my boyfriend doesn’t know about him). And the truth is, awhile after he told me that, I feel something for him too. And it really hurts to admit it, because I think I love my boyfriend as well. Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn’t feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit. My friend is very sweet to me and will do nearly anything to make me feel better and to make me smile. My boyfriend is a man of few words, but he tries his best to make me smile too. But my boyfriend and I recently got in to a fight. I’m a bit phobic of drinking because of a past boyfriend of mine, and I told this to my current boyfriend. This mixed with a couple more conversations and he told me that he feels like I was trying to change him. I wasn’t at all, I was just saying that I don’t like him drinking is all. At the end of the fight(I hate misunderstandings), I told him that I didn’t want to change him, but hiding things that scare me from him stresses me out alot. He said more or less that if something like that happened again, he couldn’t continue the relationship, and that was the end of our arguement. I told my friend about it, and he was very sympathetic. Our conversation that day led to him admitting that he thought he was falling in love with me, but I didn’t know what to say back.

I feel something for both guys. Physically, I could care less what they look like. Emotionally, my friend understands me more. In nearly every way my friend is better for me than my boyfriend. But when I think about leaving my boyfriend again, I want to cry. I don’t know how to handle it, but I need to know who I should date. This is my last summer before I go off to college, and I want it to not be so stressful.

Can you please help me? No one else has been able to yet.

Guy Troubles

Dear Guy Troubles:

Honestly it sounds like you have made up your mind, and you need some validation. If it were me personally, I would want to date a person who was respectful and who understands things that I have gone through and is willing to listen to me, rather than throw ultimatums at me from a simple discussion. Is this sinking in as to what I would do?? I hope so.

Sometimes when we have invested so much time into a relationship, it is difficult to end it simply based on all the work you’ve had to do to maintain it. You may thing you love this guy, and you might. But are you *in* love, that is the real question. I am sitting here reading what you wrote, and I am going to guess, no. Not because of anything bad that has occurred, but from this sentence:
“Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn’t feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit.”

I know it may seem like you just can’t break it off with your boyfriend… but I am telling you that you may fall into something with your facebook friend that could wind up hurting your current boyfriend. Simple conversation can quickly turn into an affair when your feelings are so confused.

I think it’s time you really look at the situation and how you really feel for your boyfriend, and stop weighing the odds against the Facebook friend. Think about the two of you, how things are working out, how he treats you, how you feel with him and about him. This will help you to clarify what you need to do.

Hope you get some peace of mind.

~Xmichra.

Written by Staff & Xmichra at 4:48 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Dating Issues, Love and Relationships, Love Issues, Xmichra

Still Stickin’ To Your Guns!

This is an Updated and New question To Xmichra from the past post Stick To Your Guns

Hi Xmichra,

I never heard back from you…was hoping you would have some more insight and advice for me. Last time you were so right on the mark with your feedback. I went back and read your post every time I thought that I might weaken and not take action on leaving the relationship I was in. You were a lifesaver, I know that now. Since the time that I sent you my email on August 10th my ex was arrested for Grand Theft and the D.A. is charging her with the crime. It won’t heal the hurt she left behind but it will hold her accountable for her actions. She kept attempting to contact me after the restraining order was in place, but after I reported it several times and the police contacted her, it has been quiet for a while now. At times I struggle with not letting what happened eat me up, it’s hard to get over betrayal and lies, especially when I spent so many years in a relationship with her. I am grateful to be out of the relationship and to have my life back again, but none-the-less the process of healing is painful and slow. I know from your website that you’re not feeling well right now, but when you feel better I would love it if you had some follow up advice/insight you could share with me. If you’re really not up to it, I understand, then perhaps someone else at “Ask Aunt Babs” might want to help me out and share some insight with me.

Thanks so much,
“I Stuck to my Guns”

Dear “I stuck to my guns”

First, let me say how pleased I am that you are finally out of that relationship. I know that it has been really hard on you this past year, but from the tone of your most recent e-mail I really do feel as though you are on a better, healthier path (for reference you can read the first post here: http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2007/08/stick-to-your-guns.html ).

I was heartbroken reading the section about your stolen jewelry. I know how hard that must have been for you (having pieces from your mother be stolen like that) and you were right. You were in a state of grieving, and that made the loss that much harder to deal with. People sometimes forget that inanimate objects do hold memories, and when you thought that they were temporarily missing (from your ex taking them) you didn’t think that they would be gone forever. So seeing the pawn slips, in effect is much like seeing a death certificate. It is grounding and hard to take in. I am happy that you were able to recover one of those pieces though, sounds like the pawnbroker was a good man.

Second, I also would like to pat you on the back for involving the law. There are plenty of people who wouldn’t have, and I strongly believe that if you hadn’t things would be far worse for you. That constant feeling of being watched is not pleasant, and it is something that will not go away if you do not put consequences in the way. So I am very happy that you did what you have (in terms of restraining orders and pressing charges). Another piece of this is that if the charges to indeed stick, the police may be forced to look for your stolen property and issue warrants for receivership to the pawn shops your ex used to get those items back. Hopefully that is the way they will go with that issue.

You are going to go through a rough transition period (you know this already) because of the grieving and also because of the strain this relationship put on you. No matter if you have solved the problem; your head will like to play games with you. What I mean by this, is that you will find it hard to trust, hard to rely on people and hard to deal with what happened to you because this was a very bad thing to have happened. So with this, I am especially glad that you have sought out therapy, because these are issues that do not go away over time if they are left. These types of issues do fester and become worse if left to their own devices. Again, I am very glad you are seeking help on a professional level.

The process of healing is slow and can sometimes be painful. But please remember that you have endured the worst part – living the actual life of it. You have made your way through the thick of the mud, and you are clean from that now. You have a lot of life left to enjoy the things that you love, and the ability to love again. Hold on to those things, they are not small. In fact, it is pretty much the secret to life (if I may get all pearl of wisdom here!), being able to live and enjoy its pleasures. Trust me on this one, every single guru in this world will tell you the same (not that I am a guru of course, but you catch my meaning).

If I may add a little more advice here, and this is cautionary but not meant to be fearful. But if your ex isn’t in prison, you may want to invest in a security devise for your home and vehicle if you haven’t done so already. This is more for security sake, even though you are in a secure building. She has already proven her skill at getting around those things, and you just never know the extent of someone in her frame of mind. So if you haven’t already done this, I would advise it.

Another piece of advice I would give, is don’t be too hard on yourself. I know first hand how hard it can be after being in a relationship of lies and deception, to not blame yourself for not seeing the problem. But the truth of the matter is that some people are manipulators and no matter if you are the most genius person on the face of the planet, a good manipulator can manipulate you. Do not fault yourself for wanting to love someone. Do not fault yourself for wanting to trust someone. These are emotions that are good and meant to be shared. And you will find someone able to reciprocate them in a positive manor.

I hope that you are indeed doing and feeling better. And once again, I congratulate the courage it took to re-claim your life.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:50 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Updates