This Quest

Dear Aunt B,

I am having an ongoing argument with my live in BF of 4 years over the same subject..vacations. Ridiculous isn’t it? here’s the situation;

My view, age 45:I have been waiting for ten years to finally be-able to afford a vacation. If I don’t get one this year i am going to lose it! in the last 3 years I have lost a baby, the love of my life during a 1 year separation (current BF), I have seen death’s door in a submersion of depression and work like a horse…I mean i cut all the wood for the winter tend a huge veggie farm and do much of the bull work. I have lost faith in God from all of the losses and need to get out to the mountains to rejuvenate to fill up my heart and soul and find my inner self again. i have lost me.

MY BF knows this and has taken an invitation from his brother and friend to go to Colorado for a 2 week mountain climbing trip (My dream vacation). i am told i am not allowed to come as it is a guys only trip and the other guys don’t want me along. Since he can only afford one vacation, he has chosen to go with the guys and leave me to not have a much needed vacation at all or find a stranger or go myself. None of those choices are my idea of a happy vacation. I feel that we are partners and that i am the woman standing next to him daily through all the blood sweat and tears and deserve this much awaited award…something to look forward to. Insists i am only thinking of myself and being selfish for wanting him to go with me instead of his buddies.

This is the 3rd time in 5 years he has gone on this trip. His brother offered to pay his way to go and that is why he says he is going and it’s “just a camping trip” in the meantime I try desperately to find a stranger to go with…i finally did and he then offered to meet with me out in Colorado (2,000 miles away) when he got off the mountain and would then go where i wanted to.

It’s 2 days before he is to leave before me and he tells me that he feels that he is forced to have offered his car for me to drive out there which is 25 years old as it is our only working vehicle and that he feels forced to have to spend money now because i insist i need a vacation too. DUH! Considering the consequences of his bitterness and resentment toward me using HIS car and having to spend his money to go with me and share experiences i decided not to go at all with those kind of strings attached. this is to be a purging spiritual experience for me not a endless fight dredging up how i used his car ETC.. he stormed out the door with bags in hand a night before he was supposed to leave telling me how unreasonable I am for expecting him to be happy about going with me too and expecting him to offer his car to me for OUR vacation. Now i am stuck at home with no where to go and no way to do it, and no one to go with…he stranded me here out in the country with no vehicle. I am wondering now if I should start packing his things while he is gone and find someone that does put me first in their life instead of his buddies who don’t do a single thing for his life on any given day. i had suggested to him that they make plans the next time somewhere closer to home if they wanted to see each other so bad so that i didn’t have to pay the price for it and be forced to step aside my well deserved vacation for him and his buddies. he tells me i am dictating how they should spend THEIR vacation and that I am a selfish tyrant insisting he compromise.

HIS perspective Age 46: He feels that since him and his brother and friends have been doing this for the last 20 years before he ever met me that he is justified in continuing to obligate their wishes anytime they want him to go and i dare not interfere with that. He also feels that he is not purposely hurting me or forcing me to have no options. Both his brother and friend are single for many years now. they all feel that they have not hurt me and that it is my own fault (screaming it at the top of his lungs)that I am not going on vacation anyways by myself with no one to share it with. i am stuck, stranded and have no where to go. He feels that my insisting that i as his partner be first priority at all times is unreasonable and calls me immature and an insecure child. What do you think? he needs to hear this from a third party. i know what I think…he’s the child and he needs to grow up and find another door mat that might accept that kind of bull.

thank you,
Wendy

Dear Wendy,

Dear, Dear Wendy!! GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP!!! Dude is 46 and is *not* going to change.

He is obviously never one to compromise, and is definitely acting like a child. Regardless of you *needing* the vacation (I’ll get back to THAT), he should at least be able to compromise enough for him to go away for his boys only trip (some guys do this, the trip itself isn’t a bad thing) and you on a trip that is equally special.

Now, this entire bullshit about him feeling pushed into stuff, that is what pisses me off. And I’m just reading it!! These are the things that to ME set aside the difference of a working partnership, to a live in friend with few benefits. A partner wouldn’t feel they were being pushed to lending a freaking car, so you can get some much needed relaxation!! Hell, a friend would do that!

You need a break and want to share it with your partner, that is NOT unreasonable. Given the amount of things you have gone through, I would expect my partner to be understanding and want to help the healing process.

Yes, the boys only trip is important, but you are not asking him to forfeit every year! Yes, i understand that he can only do one trip, but he has to think about what is imperative to the situation. What I mean is, if he (for example) started a new job yesterday, and it was a good job that would fulfill him through the rest of his life, and he couldn’t go on this trip without losing the job, would he still go?

A relationship is just like a job. You have to show up, you have to have interest, and you have to put in a little extra over time when the companies had a bad week/month/year. It’s the same thing. If you don’t commit to the job, you’re fired. It’s that simple. But for some, they can’t see that. And it is sad when a person cannot acknowledge their partners wish to heal as a healing cry.

It’s sad when a person see’s only what they stand to “lose” to make a relationship work. And it is even more sad when that loss is something material or something that can be postponed. It’s sad because it shows they are not willing to bend, and are too selfish to see it. Honestly Wendy, I would be packing more than a vacation trunk for this guy. Just sayin’.

Hope you GO on that trip & find your inner spark!

~Xmichra Dear Wendy,

By the way, did you know the history of your name? I found it interesting that your name, “Wendy” was never used or recorded but invented for the story of Peter Pan. Pretty cool, I think. Read this link, it refutes the rumor, possibly but it is interesting nonetheless!

Anyway, I have/had real mixed emotions reading your letter. I am able to see both points of view. You are both right and you are both wrong. It’s a bit unfortunate. I will put all of this into perspective and try to be as delicate with your feelings as I possibly can.

OK, now I’d like you to read things as I write them in their entirety. This situation is a bit cruel for both of you. None of this is fair but allow me to point out a few things;

Your BF has every right in the world to want to go on this all guys camping trip. In your own words you stated that he HAS in fact gone on this trip 3 times out of the last 5 years, right?It’s not like it’s a new gig and he just pulled it out of his ass, deciding to go simply to spite you. Do you agree about this?

As well, most guy trips are exactly that. I am referring to the typical members of the “He Man Women Haters Club.” I am joking but at the same time for you to take it personal that you are not nor would you ever be invited is simply something you’ll have to try to understand. It’s just the way the ball bounces.

It’s clearly a family thing, one which they’ve been doing for many years. You wrote, and I quote;

“…(My dream vacation). i am told i am not allowed to come as it is a guys only trip and the other guys don’t want me along.“

It seems to me that you’ve taken this whole thing quite personally and have a somewhat vindictive edge to your own thinking. This does not mean that I, in any way or fashion, discount your feelings on the matter. But we must establish what is fair and what is not.

It is not fair for you to interject yourself into this family/guy thing. At the same time, the mere fact that you’ve not had a vacation in so long, while he has brings around many emotion and questions.

So, it’s like this; You’ve sacrificed, you’ve toiled and worked hard. You’ve been on the brink of disastrous thinking, skirting the edges of depression but you’ve pushed on. You’ve been through your fair share of a whole plate of bullshit that life has thrown at you…and survived. Now, it’s time for you to be, for better words: self-serving, not selfish and to look out for numero uno.

You stated that you need, basically a Spiritual outing/vacation, a need to revamp of sorts. The defining question would be;

“Why would you want him on such a quest in the first place?”

I see far beyond this initial bullshit, far beyond this relationship. And in this situation, I will not encourage you to put his shit on the door step, to leave him as this is a test for both of you. It is a test of the wherewithal and you moving past, rising above and becoming who you can and will be.

I am not trying to speak in riddles, nor am I applying some bullshit strategy to the mix. But what I see and feel are that you must, you need to go on This Quest on your own. Somehow, someway make it happen.

You will no longer be a Martyr for the cause of you two and you will not be a victim. You will rise above. I have every bit of confidence in you as a woman, the kind of woman that I admire, the kind that shitz-n-getz, oh yea.

Need I remind you that you do not need a man to round out who you are!
My point to all this is first and foremost remember that you and this fella are not joined at the hip. In order for any and all relationships to work you must both be whole beings. Your quest must be to become whole again. Do this for you. I feel it may be the single most important thing you need, your agenda right now.

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

I do firmly believe that if you can move past the way you think about some things, it will be your greatest asset. You are such a strong woman of such conviction I can not fathom how you would allow this whole thing to usurp your design. You are above this and you just need a refresher course in empowerment and a fresh way of seeing the world.

Yes, you do need this vacation but for you and you only. It will round out who you are meant to be. Watch and see..

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Be That Woman

Thursday, January 10, 2008

That Woman

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi there, I’m writing to you out of complete frustration. I wonder if you can offer any advice. I have been with a guy for a year now, and we are living together with three other mutual friends from university.

Me and my boyfriend had an argument about 4 days ago now, after a week of me being an utter bitch (I was feeling really unusually rough due to a period of pms).

I am usually an assertive and sometimes touchy/stressed person anyway. This boyfriend of mine has now said that although he loves me he doesn’t want to go out with me anymore because we have had a couple of arguments like this before and then got back together again.

I can completely understand what he is saying but I care about him so much and still feel that we have so much going for each other. This is driving me insane, leaving me crying myself to sleep and waking up crying.He says that he feels exactly the same yet says that I will be unable to change his mind.

I’m just looking for some advice I suppose. Other than that, I am just laying in bed 24 /7 bawling my eyes out and trying to find some other reason for living.

Thank you,

A girl who regrets xx

Dear Regrets,

First let me say, you can never place all your eggs in one basket, in one person. No, you must be whole, within yourself. I do know that it makes no sense, especially now, when you are devastated. But what I mean is that you must be a whole entity, on your own. A fraction of a person, does not equate. Yes, it’s simple mathematics. 1+1 equals 2, not 1/2 plus one. No, this may not make sense, till the end of this…

My advice to you is going to be two fold, two different perspectives and angles. Take from both and blend it. As you read this, only take what applies and look at it all as a whole, ok?

My point is that, first, you must get up, get outa bed and get showered. Then, you must look in the mirror. Look long and hard and assess yourself. Do you think you ran this fella off with your nagginess??? <—(new word, I just made up) If you answered yes, to that question, then you simply need to be aware of it. You need to improve on it, work on holding your tongue, being assertive but not naggy. I don’t think naggy is a word but you get my meaning, right? Always try to put yourself in the other persons place. Always put the shoe on the other foot. What I’m trying to say is that you must look at your behavior, what you say or don’t say, as a woman. Be responsible with your tongue. Now, I’m not accusing you of running this guy off. I’m asking you, if you did? If you did and there’s no return, all you can do is live and learn. If he did leave because of your nagging, your PMS ish behavior, you first need to look at it all, collectively. Then, you improve upon it and most of all forgive yourself. Yes, we must do our very best to live without regret. We must try to realize that all things happen for a reason. Absolutely all things happen for a reason. Crying over spilled milk will get you nothing but puffy eyes. Now, don’t think I am cold hearted or unfeeling. I can tell you are devastated. In your defense, my dear, I must question the very fact that this guy left in the heat of it all. Yep, if ya can’t stand the heat, get the hell outa the kitchen. Maybe, he didn’t have what it takes? Maybe, he’s not the one? Maybe, he needs to question himself and if he used it as an easy out? I place those questions in your lap.

Now, walk with me. We’ll take a walk down the Rite of Passage. It is a path from girl to woman. Remember these words and hold them close;

From this moment on, you will be responsible with your tongue. You will no longer say foolish things. You will think before you speak. You will not be aggressive with your words. You will look at your words before you speak them. You will no longer speak irrationally. If you have nothing mature to say, you will sit quietly. When you do have something to say, you will make your point in an assertive manner. You will always realize that what you have to say is important and not drivel because you’ve left the drivel back at the beginning of this path. You will keep quiet when you have nothing important to say and you will see that it is the girls who run off at the mouth. Yes, the women have noteworthy speech. You will begin to see the difference between the talk of a girl and the speech of a woman. A woman does not nag. No, she calculates her words. She weighs them out and does not speak like a fool. She’ll make her point, only because it is important. Otherwise, she will remain quiet. A woman is responsible for/with her tongue, her language and how she carries herself. You are now this woman .

Let me make it very clear to you that I am not a feminist. I am not “I am woman, hear me roar.” What I am is a woman that believes in equality, in fairness, Just behavior and an assertive stance. I am also a woman who holds her head up and will survive. Yes, I wear a Bitch Belt. That means if I feel I need to say something, come hell or high water, I’m going to say it. But But But, I think before I say something. I stumble and I fall, just as you have. It took me years to get here, to have this understanding. I know my downfall as a girl, it was to run my mouth and I was/had/did idle chatter. Now, pay attention to the talk of girls. They’ll say just about anything and in turn, they’ll be perceived as bimbo ish. Their opinion will not be valued. Men will treat them without respect.

If per chance, this relationship does not work, you will learn from it. You will step away with dignity and a keen sense of wisdom because of it. The next fella that comes your way, will immediately have a sense of respect for you, as he will see the difference.

Hold your head up and be that woman.

Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 27:15 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike; (NASB ©1995)

Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.

con·ten·tious play_w(“C0599100”)

(kn-tnshs)adj.

1. Given to contention; quarrelsome. See Synonyms at argumentative, belligerent.

2. Involving or likely to cause contention; controversial

vex play_w(“V0080100”)

(vks)

tr.v. vexed, vex·ing, vex·es

1. To annoy, as with petty importunities; bother. See Synonyms at annoy.

2. To cause perplexity in; puzzle.

3. To bring distress or suffering to; plague or afflict.

4. To debate or discuss (a question, for example) at length.

5. To toss about or shake up.