Dear Aunt B,

Subject: Please tell me…….

the reason to go on in life. I’m a 49 yr old woman, who lives w/ my 88 yr old father. I lost my mother 4 yrs ago to cancer. Thought I found my soul mate (online), but soon learned he just wanted to use me. I work with Down’s Syndrome ladies Have been with them for 16 yrs. My title is dietary/caregiver. I’m best known as the person who brings food into the house (both at work and at home). When one of my co-workers asked a resident what she would remember me most for (if I passed on)…..answer…..groceries.

As far as home life, I’m a caregiver too. My father, well….it’s hard to explain……He has always been there for me. He has helped me out with some huge scrapes that I got myself into. I’ll be indebted to him for the rest of my life, and I think he knows this. It’s a strange relationship, not a close father and daughter one. It’s mostly….I’m just here to just listen and agree.

I have animals and love them dearly. I’ve always wanted to work with animals and have tried through out my life. However my brains only functioned for a very short while and didn’t allow me to continue. I remember my mother telling me it’s my fault that I didn’t get ahead. But, I think it was something else going on, something medical. I’m a complete and total failure !!!

I do miss my mom, we were like sisters. She died a brutal death from Ovarian cancer. I’ll never forget the torture she went through. Nor will I ever forgive myself for being a big disappointment to her.

I’m so sick and tired of life, All that goes through my mind is what I’ll be remember as. The grocery ladies, or the lady who knows where every caned item is located in the groc. store. The daughter who must always put food in front of my father in order to satisfy him. The daughter that should have spent more time in the kitchen rather then with my animals and learning about nature. Telling me my cooking skills will get better through time. Never will I be remembered as the person who dedicated her whole life to animal causes or a wonderful veterinarian who cared for all creatures. Oh, maybe as a past time, but that’s all…..the rest of the time is strictly to serve people and to satisfy their ungrateful needs.

Not only will I be remembered as the food lady, I’ll be remembered as the person who got involved with someone on the Internet and made a fool out of herself. Like I said, I Thought I found someone who loved me and loved animals. This person came into my life the same time my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I thought he was a gift from god to help me deal with this. He himself had suffered a stroke. This gift from god used me to support him. I should have known this all along. He also abused my little dog, so we left in a hurry and came back home to my dad.

Please……don’t think I’m ungrateful….that I don’t appreciate having a job or my father. I’m just tired of my life….I’m thinking that I have 40 or so more years to go, for what reason? I’ll be alone this next half, and my life will be the same, bitter, untrusting, miserable and full of regrets. What kind of existence is that? Oh God, please tell me why I should go on………Elly

Dear Elly,

I think at this stage in your life you’ve got a clear cut case of the “Wish Id’s.” {A Babzism} And it seems to me that it’s a rather serious case at that. But it is somewhat curable.

I recognize it, your situation, quite clearly as I’ve gone through it myself. And if the truth were known, I still do, more often than not. Yes, at 50, you have to know that I have asked myself the same tired questions that you are. In fact, I didn’t like my own answers, personally.

I do believe, at any age, people go through this or rather ask themselves the same questions. It just may be what spurs us on to bigger and better things. Now, you can not change the past, EVER but you sure as hell can change the future. And in the interim, you look back in retrospect, you hopefully learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward. Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell about it all…hopefully.

No, this is not going to be my version of the sidelines cheerleader squad (I was a Majorette anyway, not a cheerleader). But I would like to remind you to re-evaluate your goals, re-establish those goals starting out a bit more reasonably.

I’d prefer to see you stop kicking yourself in the ass for what you did not do, who you did not become, what you were not able to accomplish. It serves no one, least of all yourself.

This case of the “Wish Id’s,” is similar to anger, an anger based upon things for which you have no control over; your past. While I do value your exploration in this process you are going through, it serves no one, least of all you. It is destructive and allowed to continue unbridled, unchecked well G-Friend, you are on a course to implosion.

My suggestion is to understand first that life is all a matter of perception. In example, not one of my sins sons is “worldly successful.” I’ve said this before. But the one thing about my children that I am not only fond of but rather proud of is that they are all good human beings, good hearted, compassionate to a fault, just all around good guys. They are God fearing, have a great sense of humor, a wonderful sense of family and solid values and beliefs.

All grown, big and hairy men(and good looking to their Mama), they generally do not have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but what little they do have they have worked for, not stolen from to get or taken anything or anyone for granted.

And while we love our children, quite often we do not like them, now do we? At least this is a truism for those of us who are willing to admit it. So, can you appreciate the thought that I not only love my sons but like them and enjoy their company?

You may be asking yourself, at this juncture, “Well Aunt B, c’mon, really what in the Sam Hell does this have to do with me?” I think what I’m trying to convey to you is, for real, what is your definition of success?

As I mentioned before, you truly need to look at your values and belief systems and tweak the shit outa them. Wake up tomorrow morning with a fresh cup of coffee and a fresh outlook. Then, you march your ass into the bathroom, look yourself square in the eye and ask yourself, this pertinent question;

Am I a good person? (And every day, from that moment on, you look yourself in the eye, making absolutely sure you are looking into your own soul and not past it and ask that question).

“When it’s all said and done, I do personally believe that you will be remembered for the good you do even if it’s one person at a time.”

Just as a suggestion you could possibly start a blog (hey, it’s free)as an outlet, working towards a common goal. I have personal friends who do a lot of animal rescue, a much needed service and mentality. You could begin making a difference even if it’s just in your own backyard, you see?

The thing is, the important thought process here is for you to do what you can to make a difference, one person at a time. And to prove my point; I have been doing this “Ask Aunt B(WP)” gig since 2006. Since it’s inception, Xmichra and I have answered upwards of 400 letters/questions from every walk of life. Now, I’d like to think we’ve made a dent in and contributed to helping others. Again, one person at a time.

There is no greatness in what we do. That is proven by the fact that more often than not we don’t even get a reply from the person that’s sent us a question. And even though we’ve poured our hearts out at times, we may not get so much as a thank you, not even a “kiss my ass.”

However, there have been times, although they are few and far between where we get a letter from a reader telling us that we’ve most certainly helped them, they’ve gained a perspective that they were not able to see and/or that we made a difference in their life. And that right there, Ma’am, is the only reason I bother to do this. Yes, that tad bit of an attitude of gratitude that we might get, spurs us on.

Find that special something that you can do, one person at a time, maybe even, “One Kitty Cat or Doggie” at a time!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Elly,

You sound like you are worn out and need a break! Wearing yourself emotionally thin can cause a lot of depression and feelings of unfulfilment… but so can surrounding yourself with people who are unappreciative.

I understand that you feel bound to take care of your father. And I understand that you need to stay employed. But those two things shouldn’t be your whole life…. you have passions! And everyone needs a bit of personal down time, which I don’t think you are taking for yourself.

Thinking about how other people see you isn’t the goal. It’s how you see yourself. And you are doing yourself a great dsi-service by not recognising that you have made some very huge sacrifices in your own life to help others. People are just another form of animal Elly, and you are looking after them feeding them helping them in a time of need. Don’t sell yourself short, you are doing something that a lot of others wouldn’t do… you are giving your time and helping your father. You are a good person, and you deserve some acknowledgment for that.

As for the internet dating, we all make mistakes. You were in a vulnerable position and you were taken advantage of by an asshat. Internet or not, there are plenty of asshats out there and your situation, unfortunately, is a common one. These guys (and gals) can’t do anything for themselves and look for a “free ride”. They are lazy, manipulative liars who con their way into your life and savings account. And you saw through that in the end, but you can’t possibly think that you would see that right from the start. These people know what they are doing, and lie to get what they want. You are a genuinely good person and wouldn’t lie like that, so naturally you wouldn’t think someone would lie like that either. It is not naive, it is human. Don’t beat yourself up for this Elly, it is totally not your fault.

You said that you were close to your mother, and that can be really tough when a mother dies. I would suggest that you try finding a grieving support group to try and help you through this. There are several that deal with female cancers, so that would be the first place to try. But you really do need to talk about this, and begin to let go. You are beating yourself up for not measuring up to a standard, and that is unfair to you. You need to find some support and start to feel better, you really need to feel better Elly. It is essential.

Your last statement, why should you go on? Because Elly, you are so far from being done!! You have a whole life left to live, and you can change it to be whatever you want it to be! You are doing something unimaginably kind to support your father… do the same for yourself! Let your passions out, offer assistance in an animal shelter, take a night class for veterinary assistant, go to that support group and vent! You need release and to have something that is yours, and you are worth the effort, don’t you think?

If you need help finding a support group please let us know, and we will help find one in your area. The most important message I want you to finish reading from me is:

YOU ARE WORTH THE SAME EFFORT YOU SELFLESSLY GIVE TO OTHERS!!!

I hope you read that, and give yourself the shot at a life not realised. You have so much to do still, and so much to enjoy.

~Xmichra

Dear Aunt B,

Subject: Which Woman (love or money)

I’m a big blog fan of Xmichra and harbor a secret crush on her to spite the Aunt Bee Question. Ok, here we go:

I’m a 50 year old man from California, divorced three years ago. I have a good job and make good money, and at present I have two girlfriends.. Each knows about the other. Each is upset that I see the other and I need to make a decision. Can you help:

Woman 1: 40, very pretty, medical doctor, fun to be with and I love her because I simply do. The chemistry is phenomenal. She still has nearly half a million in med school debts outstanding and if we end up together, I’m going to end up assuming liability for some of that debt simply because I know I will. Yes she’s a doctor, no, she can’t save money.

Woman 2: 38, stunning, some college, fun, flirtatious, and she’s all over me like a cheap suit. Hinted at marriage, openly said no pre-nup, and she’s personally worth over $50 million (family money). I don’t have the emotional connection I have with Woman 1, but she seems to be hung up on me. It would be very easy to be married to her, but she’s not my best friend.

What do you think?

Love or Money?

Dear Love or Money,

Geez, you made me blush! Thank you

Now to get to your question. For love or money… it’s a tough call when you have a good chemistry, but it’s pretty apparent that you feel love for woman#1 and not for #2. So, to me, the rational choice is woman #1.

As for the “I’m going to end up assuming liability for some of that debt simply because I know I will” portion, well only you can control that. The woman is forty, and well understands a thing or two about life so I imagine if you had discussed this before getting completely serious (marriage, common law etc) that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to establish that her debt is in fact her own to clear. If you are the sort that simply cannot deal or function with dual bank accounts and separate payment responsibilities then that is more about the person *you* are than a “down side” to being with her. Don’t take that too offensively, as I am “that sort’ as well. I can’t watch my partner not go out for a meal because he can’t afford it, but I can. I believe in sharing responsibilities and sharing accounts and debts regardless of who’s is what, and then making mutual agreements on a budget and payouts. But that is *my* outlook, and not necessarily the popular one.

Anyway, to make this a little clearer, money is great fun and makes life seem a lot easier, but the company of someone you love is priceless. Sounds cheesy, but it is true. You probably know this already, having been divorced, that being in love with someone is more important than financial accommodation or comfort. And having said that, would you really want to be in a marriage or relationship that wasn`t 100%, after being in one like that already… my guess is no.

I think you know the answer. Now it`s just time to get the courage to put it to action.

Good Luck,

X-Xmichra

Dear Aunt B,

My Name is Beth and I am 24 years old from Colorado..A few months ago or more like since January I met this guy through some friends of mine and I had a little crush on him for a while but ended up getting over him.. or so I thought. anyway, I started to pray for him ( we both are christian and go to the same church and what not and have the same group of friends). for a while and still now I have been praying that we continue to be good friends and that we would talk and everything.. well God sure seemed to answer those prayers. I only prayed for him every night when I went to bed like I did for all of my other friends and thanking God for putting them into my life and everything. well..the last few weeks I started noticing how I started to pray for him much more during the day than i did my other friends. It is getting to the point to where I almost go through a whole day just praying for him and I feel like God has put him on my heart for some reason even though the chances of us being in a relationship is very unlikely. I don’t even know why or where even it started (the constant praying for him part came from). I have been trying to force myself to get my mind off of him and it is not happening.. for a long time it seemed to work. I have never had this problem before with getting over crushes (even ones that I saw all the time).Then Last night I had this dream out of nowhere that he and I were slowdancing in a school gym with a few other people and I dreamed that he was the one for me and everything. I don’t know if you can help me with advice or if you know much of how to help me in my situation and such.. I have been trying really hard to get over him and none of this has ever happened to another guy I know ever before and I totally thought I was over him and such. I am asuming that I am just over reacting to this and am over analyzing…but I don’t know.. what are your thoughts?
Thanks,
Beth
Dear Beth,

Well my friend, a couple things come to mind as points to ponder;

#1 Are are thinking about him because you’ve stepped up your prayers for him, thus the dreams. And vice-versa?

#2 Are you forcing your wants and desires, in the form of prayer?

#3 While I hear you say that you are praying, are you allowing time for God to speak to you, in and within this dialogue?

First, I wanted to commend you in your devotions. Too often, I do believe people fall into the rhetoric of ritualistic behaviors. What I mean is that they view prayer as something you do at a certain time, every day or right before bed, etc.

In truth, just as you might stay on the line with your bestest of bestest friend, <—(a Babzism)sharing in all things, good, bad and grateful, this is how it should be with our Lord. Stay on the line, after all, there’s no long distance fee!!!

I do believe things changed for me when I realized that to stay in constant dialogue with God was quite beneficial to/for me. As well, when I began to see even the smallest things to rejoice in and be grateful for, I am and was comforted.

But even for me, I find myself wanting to run the show. Good ol’ “self-will run riot.” And all my life, I’ve wanted to drive the car even though I kept wrecking it. I have to learn to allow the Lord to do the driving as well as “Letting Go & Letting God,” in so many aspects of my life.

So, I only speak from experience when I say these things. I also was praying, blurting out things and never taking the time to shush up and listen. I am still convicted of this but that does not mean I won’t pass on the tidbit to you hoping you’ll conquer in this quest, this journey.

My advice to you would be to continue in your prayer but may I suggest that you speak to our Lord asking him for His will to be done, in all things. Change up things a bit and ask our heavenly Father for divine guidance, wisdom and for your wants and desires to be conducive and in line with His will.

Yes, I’d say that concentrating on this way of thinking will become your answer.

“I will also agree with you, in prayer, this very minute, that all things will be done for the good of and by the grace of our wonderful God. You must seek His face. Yes, seek His face. We’ll pray for divine intervention on your behalf. If this fella is the one for you, he will be ordained by God Himself. If he is not your Mr. Right, God will heal your heart by steering you in the right direction. Remember; our Father, when He closes one door, He always opens another. May He bless you, shine upon you with His heavenly Light and show you the way. I also ask that Christ/Yeshua might set about finding you a mate that is hand picked. And may He illuminate your future husband. Whether it be this fellow or not, we can agree, in prayer, that our Lord’s will be done and that you and your mate will be to the glory of The Father!”

Listen and be still. Listen for that small still voice to guide your way…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Reader,

God is not putting this bloke into your head, you are. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now all you need is a little gumption.

Why? Because you need to ask this guy out. Seriously.

You have a huge crush on this guy, and you are friends, you hang out already, so what’s the big set back? I’m pretty sure you can ask him out on a date, and think you really should.

This is an out and out case of a big crush, and wanting to see if it can lead to more. Maybe he is shy, or maybe he doesn’t know how you feel, but he is not asking you out so far, so why not just ask him? The only way you are ever going to figure out if he is meant for you, is by getting to know him on a different level, and I’m sorry honey but praying for him ain’t gonna make that happen. YOU can make things happen, by action.

Be brave! Take a chance! ASK HIM OUT!

Good Luck

~Xmichra

Dear Aunt B,

I know you stated on your website to go ahead and ask any question. But as I began to write mine I noticed I was writing too much haha, it is a very long story and I don’t want to take up too much of your time because I see how many people have already written to you and they had straight to the point stories, not taking up more than 2 paragraphs. But I just really needed someone to talk to, so I basically poured my heart out haha. Is that okay to send to you anyway or would it be better if I tried summing it up more? Whatever is convenient for you just let me know and I will shorten my big long story

Editor’s Note; I wrote back to Jennifer the following…

“Hello Jennifer,

I am in receipt of your part one question. I welcome you to please tell me everything you feel you need to say. There is no limit or guideline, short or long. The more I know, the better to help you.

I’ll welcome your reply and will answer you asap!”

Well Aunt B, here is my story. I am only 20 years old but have put myself in an awkward position and need help getting out of it. I have been dating this person for almost 5 years. We were high school sweethearts and are still together to this day. He’s a good person, my mom loves him, we have seen each other grow and even helped each other grow as well. All of our family encourages our relationship and have never once doubted anything we did as a couple. Even our friends call us the “real deal”. At one point in our relationship, around our 3rd year together (i know, i know.. we were still very young) we began to talk about marriage and having kids. Everything seemed so perfect, he was my best friend, he was always there for me. There was nothing negative I could say about him or about the relationship, even now. And to be honest, when I made these decisions with him I really believe I did it out of comfort. Because I figured nobody as perfect or more perfect than him would come along and I was afraid to find out anyway. And over the following years I believed I let go of that fear because I felt it in my heart that I was genuinely wanting this life with him. But then I started college in the fall of 2008 and I was making friends left and right. Catching up with high school friends and finding new ones. He and I had our differences and sometimes clashed. But we never argued, we would always discuss how we felt and didn’t leave anything unsaid until we found a mutual understanding. And believe me I am grateful for that because I know other couples don’t have it picture perfect. I don’t want to sound like I am complaining but , all the “perfectness” started to get under my skin. And I really tried to fight it because I did not want to feel like a brat or lose what was most valuable to me over a silly phase.

But I couldn’t help how I was feeling. The more we had these discussions the more I began to realize our differences, which seem like a lot. I realized how jealous he was, how controlling, and needy he was. He didn’t want me to dress a certain way leaving the house, he didn’t want me talking to any boys even if they were old friends, he did not like for me to attend any kind of events, parties, get togethers, or even bowling with a few friends. He would get upset if I didn’t call him to let him know where I was, when I got home, or who I was with. He did not want me having any kind of webpage like myspace, facebook, etc. He did not even want me texting anyone back while I was on the phone with him. I just began feeling suffocated. But we are the type of people to want to resolve things instead of getting mad or “getting back” at eachother. So I was patient, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt at least 80% of the time. But then we started having double standard issues.

He would hang out with his friends or family and not call me for two days. Or he would go get his hair cut and wear a nice outfit on a regular tuesday. All these things, were things that honestly did not bother me. I love when he dresses nice, I want him to socialize and what not. But it seemed like he was taking advantage of it. He understood where the double standard stood but he was too stubborn to try and fix it. I remember our first arguement was when I had to take a business trip to florida for 2 weeks. He complained about how much he missed me the entire time. When I got back I called him to let him know I had landed safely and he did not pick up. I tried again later that night, still no answer. So I left him a voicemail telling him goodnight and that I love him. The next day, no calls, no texts. The day after that he calls and was talking to me like everything was fine. I was surprised because he’s such an anal person, he usually calls my phone billions of times a day when I go on trips. But I didn’t think anything of it. The day after that, no word from him again. So now I’m thinking there’s something wrong, because he hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back, which is very rare for him to do. Then a few more days pass by, I get one call in 3 days. On the fourth day he says we need to talk. So we meet up at the park and he says he’s feeling suffocated..surprise surprise right. He said sometimes he doesn’t want to be on the phone with me all day because he wants time to hang out with his brothers and his friends. He said he doesn’t want to sit on the phone for hours after he has already seen me. And my reply was “But I’m doing all of this because you want that. You’re the one who calls me the most and you complain if I want to get off the phone or have to. You tell me to call you every time I make a move. All of this I do for you.” And somehow we began to argue, it was a really stupid arguement but we got over it, we ended up just talking it out. A couple of days passed and I call him just to say hi on my lunch break at work, we talked for a few minutes then I asked so what are your plans for the rest of the day and he said he was leaving to california. I was kinda shocked, he was just ready to take his little vacation and he had known about it for a week and didn’t say anything to me. I was not happy with the way he had been acting at all so I confronted him. And his excuse was, he thought I’d be upset if he told me earlier so he decided to put it off til the day of. So by this time I’m feeling really, really annoyed with him and I’m not sure why. But I began to raise my voice, I was really frustrated with him. I was bringing up all sorts of things, I mentioned how he still hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back from florida, how he would have chewed me up and spit me back out for making plans to go to cali without telling him, etc. And again, we argued, talked it out and went about our business.

Little things like that kept happening here and there. Then I met this guy in college, he was very very nice and his personality just attracted me to him very very much. He was everything I was attracted to, very tall, well dressed, handsome face, and nicely built. I had a little crush on him and it wasn’t for a long time until I realized that everytime I was around him I completely forgot about my boyfriend. We ended up hanging out on a regular basis. But nothing more than friends at that time. He would take me out for breakfast after our first class, then sometimes would stay after his last class waiting for me to get out of mine just so he could talk to me before we both left the campus. I was slowly drifting away from my boyfriend without really realizing it. Then one day the guy from school was walking me to my class one afternoon after we had got back from a little cafe across the street. He asked if he could get a kiss on his cheek and I thought it was the cutest thing ever. And i don’t know what made me do it but I did, I went to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head and kissed me on the lips, then just walked away. I was still standing there in shock for a few seconds. And the whole time in class all I kept thinking about was him, I didn’t even once think of the bigger issue, the fact that I had a boyfriend who I am supposingly in love with but I just let another guy who I have the biggest puppy crush on, kiss me. So to make an extremely long story, a bit shorter.. I spent the night at his house one night and did something I really probably shouldn’t have. I broke all my rules with this guy. My boyfriend of 4 years had been my first and only everything and vice versa. We took eachother’s virginity and he was my first boyfriend and my first kiss. I had made a promise to myself and God that I would give my body to only one man for the rest of my life, since I had started having sex before marriage. But obviously that promise wasn’t strong enough because I had sex with the guy from college that night. But still I wasn’t thinking of the fact that I was now cheating on my boyfriend and breaking my promise to God.

That same night we had decided to start a relationship between us. And a few weeks later he told me he loved me. And I was very very cautious and skeptical at first. But I started believing it little by little, just because of his actions. He would still tell me “i love you” even though I never said it back. He didn’t stop being a gentlemen or doing the nice and thoughtful things he did even before we began dating. He was very attentive and was always trying to find ways and things to please me. And one day it just hit me that I was in love with him and not my boyfriend. But I just couldn’t let go of my boyfriend, I don’t understand why. I know I was still with him out of comfort but at the same time I was falling in love with another guy, so why was I still comfortable with him and not the college guy. So I held onto my first boyfriend and as bad as it sounds I wasn’t feeling guilty. I hate to say it but it is the truth and I can not deny it. Things were going great with this college guy. He wanted me to look my best, he wanted me to socialize with friends and was not hesistent to bring me around his guy friends. He wanted me to meet his mother and his mother instantly took a liking to me. He wanted me to attend all the family gatherings and would introduce me proudly.

There are some things about him though that are a little less than nice. He is also 20 years old, but he has a 3 year old son. He smokes weed on a weekly basis, he loves to watch porn and still keeps condoms in his car & on his nightstand even though he knows I am allergic to the lubricant in condoms. One night he left me all dressed up waiting for him to come pick me up for a dinner date. And when I asked what had happened he said he got caught up at the studio (he is a musician). But two days later I was at his house and we were taking a nap, I woke up to turn the TV off and accidently knocked our cellphones off his nightstand. So as I went to pick them up I noticed ticket stubs for the movies under his wallet, I picked one up and it said 9:10pm and the exact date of the day he stood me up. So I got curious but for some reason didn’t even confront him about it. The next week I left for a trip to florida to visit family. He was very sweet about it and told me he would call me every day. He told me to enjoy myself and behave. He gave me a very expensive bracelet and told me to wear it proudly and think of him everytime I put it on.

When I came back things were still good. Then I began to argue again with my first boyfriend. We would stop talking for weeks at a time, then get back on the phone very cold and distant. We both noticed the change, but I was still not letting him go. We had not seen eachother for about 3 months by then. This pattern continued over the next months and my birthday came around, which was the 25th of june, not too long ago. My other boyfriend wanted to spend that day with me so he tried to book a hotel for us, but he had lost his job due to a trip he had to make to california to see his son, but the company he was with told him he did not have any vacation time and that they would just have to lay him off since he was only working there for about 2 months. So he did not have a steady income and was doing little work here and there like construction and performing at night clubs. But most of his money he had to send to his son, which is totally understandable and I even encouraged it. So I decided I would book the hotel since he had already done a lot for me previous to being laid off. I booked the hotel, I bought the candles, the bubble bath, the flower petals and the whole nine. The night did not go as romantic as I had planned for it to go. He brought his ps3, his cds and his weed. I was kind of disappointed I’m not gonna lie. But the way he was looking at me and touching me, I was just melting and ignoring everything else. He asked if it was okay to smoke in front of me and I really don’t know why I said yes because I hated the fact that he smoked and certainly did not want to see him doing it. So he began preparing his stuff to smoke and asked me if I would do it with him just one time. And I said no, then he started to beg and mentioned how he drank alcohol with me at one of my family’s parties even though he didn’t drink. So I figured if he did that for me I could do this just once. And I did, and the feeling was not too pleasant. I was enjoying the mood with him but I didn’t like the effect the drug had on me. That night had its ups & downs. And he ended up falling asleep on me earlier than I had planned, which kind of ruined the rest of the night because I was wide awake and had planned all these things I wanted to do with him. We didn’t light any of the candles, the flower petals remained in their box, the sex oils were not used, the bubble bath and huge jacuzzi in the middle of our room went untouched. So there I was, high as a kite, bored, upset, hungry and irritated. Then he woke up around 3am and ordered room service, which kind of made things a little better because he knew how to order my food since I am a picky eater. He asked for a special dessert to my liking, he asked for flowers and for a small cake to be brought to our room that said happy birthday on it. And it was that kind of thing that had me back and forth with him. Because he would do something I didn’t like or something questionable but then it was like he balanced it out and did something thoughtful right behind it, so there was no room for confrontation or a window left open to argue.

A few days later my first boyfriend called and said he was sorry for not being able to spend my birthday with me because he works at a car dealership and is a salesmen and a supervisor and is always working, sometimes from bell to bell. He said he would like a chance to make it up and that he had a special gift for me. So he came to pick me up that night and he had a fish tank in the back of his car and when I looked in it, it had two baby turtles. That is one of my favorite animals and had always wanted little ones as a pet. My heart started beating faster and all of a sudden I stopped thinking of my other boyfriend. I couldn’t believe he remembered and that he would spend so much money getting it for me. He was not the gift giving type. I took the turtles inside my house and got back in his car, he took me to an old church parking lot and told me to get in the drivers seat. I didn’t know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me and my mom was always promising to teach me but never followed through. He knew that was something I would really, really appreciate. So he taught me how to drive that night. He even let me drive all the way back to my house. Then he gave me a calendar for 2009-2010. And each month had a big picture of us back in High School. And The month of our anniversary had a picture of us standing together in the spot where we had our first kiss. I was speechless, I knew he took his time planning this and put all his money into it.

So now I am trying to re evaluate things with both of them, because I realize my errors and I know I can not take them back or fix them. But I can start doing the right thing, I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I feel strongly for them both. And I keep making the same lists of pros & cons for both. The college boyfriend has the personality, the lifestyle and the looks. My high school boyfriend has the morals, the respect, the goals and the loyalty. I’m torn between the two. When I think of my college boyfriend I think of how much fun we have together. How he makes me feel and how good of a person he is. How sweet he can be and how independent he is. How his mother tells me the significant change she has seen in him ever since we got together and how he’s is a much better person when I’m around. How he holds my hand and always wants to bring me around family and wants to always be around mine. He tells me how I’m the only person he doesn’t get tired of being around, that even his mother and closest friends annoy him after a while. He always wants to see me and is hard on himself when he can’t take me out to places or buy me things. He talks about us moving in together and how he’s never felt the way he feels for me for any other girl. But I also think of him smoking, and watching all this porn, and the condoms, his obsession with girls, his son, his goal to be rich and famous, his lack of nuturing sometimes and his attitude. He is kind of mean and when we play fight he leaves marks and bruises. One minute he’s saying I love you and holding me, then the next he’s avoiding asking me to come see him perform or texting me all day for 2 days straight instead of calling. He asks me to buy him things and says a lot of cocky things that are almost hurtful sometimes. He will play around with things but in a mean way. Like he will tell me to get a job, even though he’s jobless as well and knows how hard I am trying to find employment. He will say things like “do this or do that, stop doing this or stop doing that if not ill break up with you”. He will slap my butt with all his force when we play fight when I ask him not to, then apologizes and kisses it when he sees the welts. With him it’s like a rollercoaster, we’re always down to make up. He has even admitted to not knowing his own strength sometimes. He is 6′4 and 240lbs. I am 5′2 and 130lbs, an odd match right?

And with the high school boyfriend, I think of how long we’ve been together. How much we’ve been thru together. We have seen eachother in our worst times and have been there cheering eachother on in our glory. I think of how he has never disrespected me or ever played around like my other boyfriend does. How he doesn’t want me attracting the wrong attention for my own safety, not out of jealousy. How he doesn’t want me around the wrong crowd for the same reason. How he always puts my feelings first and will sacrifice everything he has for me. He will take the bus from one city to another just to see me for 5 minutes, which he has done before back in High School when he wasn’t driving. I think of him being my first and vice versa. I think of having a future with him and knowing he would be a great husband and father. Then I also think of the double standards. How he won’t change it no matter how many times we argue. How he will fist fight with another man for just looking at me funny. How he doesn’t want to bring me around his cousins or brothers in california. How he wants me to stay at home all day unless im with him. How he won’t allow me to interact online with friends. How he doesn’t even want me to wear a sundress to school. How he doesn’t want me doing my hair all the time because I attract attention. How he has admitted to not wanting me to stay in shape because he thinks if I gain a little weight less people will find me attractive. How he doesn’t like going out with me on dates. He doesn’t like to go to parties or clubs or even the movies because he doesn’t want me getting dressed up. How on several occasions he made me put on his big hoodie if we were around his friends so they wouldn’t notice my chest so much. How he doesn’t want me to greet his guy friends with hugs, but will greet another girl with a hug sometimes. How he gets upset if I buy tight jeans or heels and always says “its not like im gonna let you wear it anyway, so why bother buying it”. How I really am not attracted to him physically, more mentally than anything. And how we stopped really getting along like boyfriend and girlfriend slowly after our 3rd year together. It felt like a best friend, who you will argue with from time to time, but have so much history and his always be there for eachother and be a part of eachother’s lives.

I’m scared to continue letting my gaurd down with the college guy because of how fast things are going. We will have been together for just one year in october. I can’t really tell what our future holds as a couple. I truely love him and would love to grow together, I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them. I see all the good in him and see his potential. I’m just scared and sometimes I really don’t know why.

And with my first boyfriend I just don’t know how to let go. I want him to be a part of my life but not relationship wise. I think of what if I stay with him forever. I think I would just be complacent, but not fully happy. I would appreciate him and value him but I would be sticking around out of fear to venture, out of guilt and out of not giving myself enough credit to find someone perfect for me. It is just very difficult to throw away the years and the memories over confusion. I don’t want to make anymore mistakes and I want a chance to redeem myself with God because I know I have been doing wrong without even caring. And I am open to the criticism and to be called out on my faults because I know I need to hear it and I need to fix my personal problems before I can fix others.

Dear Torn:

Sounds to me like you are doing a lot of soul searching actually. People change and grow going from a teenager to a young adult. They change all the time, but this transition seems to have to most affect on a person’s attitudes on life and love.

Before I go any further, my honest advice would be to stop with the both of them all together, take some time out for yourself and try to figure out what it is you really want (and not from them) in your life, what your goals are, and what you think you deserve. These are things that you should be thinking about before entering into another (or current) long term relationship, or you are not being fair to yourself or to the other participant.

I would like to encourage you to reread this letter that you wrote, but skip to the last four paragraphs. I want you to read them, your pro and con list, and tell me (or better yet, yourself) why you are with either of these guys. Read the paragraphs two or three times if needed. You are making a pro and con list of the two guys… well what about the pros and cons themselves, and how they affect YOU.

As for the weighing options… well, there really isn’t much to weigh. You have out grown your first boyfriend and his choices. You want to remain friends, but don’t know what to do or say to ensure you don’t lose him. Here’s the thing – that’s not up to you. You should break it off with him (because you know it’s the right thing to do) by telling him that you two have grown apart, but you still love and cherish your friendship. You can tell him that you would hate to be on the outs with him and would like to remain friends, and see where it goes. Honestly, if you have the time for the other guy… I suspect he has another girl and is doing the same thing as you. Regardless, once you break it off and extend the branch, it’s up to him on whether he wants it or not. I would not bring up that you have been messing about with some other bloke for the past year, etc. That would just hurt him, to clear your conscious. Which isn’t fair.

With the second guy… it sounds as though you are being played big time. The guy is used to getting out of “girl jams” by being kind and cute. But laying condoms out and about when you aren’t using them… don’t you think he might be using them with someone else? Does he know about your boyfriend, and is he okay with it? And the “slight playing” where he leaves welts is totally not cool. Nor is it cool that he puts you down, in the manor of a joke (like the unemployment thing) and you aren’t seeing it because it isn’t blatant. Okay, you said something that I really really really want you to understand. You said : “I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them”. I really want to point this out to you, because it is a flaw a lot of people make through their entire life. I am telling you, with absolute certainty, that this is wrong. Only the person who wants to change, will change. And they will do it his/her self, for themselves. A person cannot (and will not) change just for another person without regret, judgement and feeling resentful. If you think you can change a person, I am sorry but you are going to get hurt.

Right now you are basing you attraction to boy #2 on sexual desire for a physic, and that can be dangerous. You are overlooking all the things that make you not like him at all, in favour for the things you *do* like, that you didn’t get with boy #1.

The point of being with a partner is not to change them. It is to understand and love them because of their similarities, AND their differences to you. The things that last for couples tend to be on a totally moral and value scale, not on looks. And being in your twenties is a time of discovery and helps to form and solidify your beliefs and values. I am not going to go into the whole god aspect, because I think you should figure all that stuff for yourself. But you don’t have to be constantly worried about being sent to hell, because you are trying to figure things out. If you want to do well by your god, and his word… then do so. Make it a point to be honest, starting with yourself. Make it a point to let go, and to be fair. Doing these things takes courage, and it will create unfamiliar territory (being single) but in the long run YOU will benefit from learning about yourself, and what you need from life.

I hope you find the clarity you require to find yourself through all of this.

~Xmichra

Dear Aunt B,

hi my name is Ashley. i have been with my husband for nine years. lately he has shown a great interest in pornography featuring black girls with big butts. he also dated women fitting that description while we were separated. i am the complete opposite of that. i am a white petite female. our sex life has diminished. he isnt showing much interest in me. i don’t know what to do or what to think. most guys go gaga over me i don’t understand why my husband does not anymore.

Dear Ashley,

Unfortunately, this is happening all across America. Due to the prevalence and easier access to Porn via the Internet, I personally believe that our men may be falling into the trap of “Desensitization.”

I really feel for you and realize just how important it is for us to be the object of our mans desires. It hurts deeply when we find out that we may not be all that in his eyes. But if every woman in America, especially the wives could actually read our husbands minds, well suffice it to say, we’d be scarred for life, appalled as well as grief stricken.

Men are hard wired differently than we are and are actually in a constant state of warfare as to putting off their desires, not acting upon them and keeping themselves in check. Even the greatest of men have fallen especially when they have some little floozy throwing her junk in his face on the daily. It happens at work, it happens at the bars, it happens when we, as well as they, least expect it.

There’s nothing funny about it but it’s hard not to laugh when you realize that if you ask the average man about his will to sustain, you know to not fool around on his wife or girlfriend, he’ll often feel that he deserves Kudos for his good behavior. I mean after all, he fights it off every day and in a funny sort of way, he does deserve a cookie.

Yes, these days our morals are going to hell in a hand basket and there are girls, not women out there that’d just love to bed Your man down. They see the wedding ring and observe it as a challenge. Just for shits-n-giggles they’ll want your husband as another Lipstick Notch on their bed post.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, for starters you must be aware of his needs, not in a subservient way but in an understanding of how he’s wired with a mutual willingness to please. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts you want to keep his attention as well as keep him shopping at “your store.”

You’ll want to jazz it up, for one thing. It’s like this; Marriage and when I speak of marriage I do firmly believe that if you are living together as well as sleeping together in the “Marriage Bed” you are simply lacking a piece of paper that validates it in the eyes of the Law. That simplified, the marriage bed is a partnership, a two to Tango situation and a thing to be cherished and more importantly worked at. It must be cultivated and nurtured if we want it to grow. It must be seen in all seriousness and never taken for granted, our first and foremost downfall.

Flip The Script

My suggestion to you is one where you need to step up to the plate and bat. You need to take charge and begin to fight for your man. This is not “I am woman hear me Roar” speech but I do want you to begin to be less a victim. Begin with a more blitzkrieg approach;

You must state your needs, asserting your likes and dislikes, what you will as well as will not stand for. For starters, you’ll have to put the shoe on the other foot…

He will look funny in your high heels, hahaha, but you’ll have to put things in terms he’ll understand. For one thing, you should ask him if he would be bothered if you were watching other men, porn to be exact? Give him the scenario that how would he feel if he came home, looked at the History on your computer and saw that you were watching men with huge cocks? Yea, I said it! Many men, even if they are well endowed are intimidated by other men and their package if it’s bigger than theirs. Ask him how he would feel if he saw that every few days you were watching this sort of thing and not just for a few minutes but for long periods of time. Would it not bother him? Would it not make him feel inadequate? Would he possibly wonder that there’s a chance that you were not satisfied with his manhood?

If he says that all that does not bother him, I’ll call him a damn liar!!! The point is that that exact scenario is how you feel when he looks at the sort of things he’s been looking at. You are not black nor do you have a big booty so how could you ever measure up to his specifications?

All this Porn watching does not mean that he does not love you. What it does mean though, carries the implication that he does, possibly take you for granted and is not doing his part in the cultivation of your marriage? At the same time as I stated before, you’ve got to work at tripping his trigger. This may be a stinging indictment for both of you?

My Advice would be to sit down and get it all out lest you explode with resentment. Furthermore, I also suggest that you engage him in the understanding, a meeting of the minds that his behavior is hurtful and makes you feel like shit, less than and not capable to measure up.

The Solution

It would be rather kind of him to agree to limit his “Porn Time” just for starters. You’ll never get anywhere if you demand it and he’ll just begin to get sneaky about it. Putting that shoe on his foot, as I stated may make him understand that it is extremely hurtful to you as well as desensitizing to him. He may not realize it but men who watch really XXX porn, you know the down and dirty stuff have a harder time getting aroused unless they are, themselves engaged in dirty dirty stuff.

So, he’d be doing himself and of course you a favor if he saved himself for you, watched less porn and masturbated less. Yes, normally the two go hand in hand, no pun intended!

Working on your marriage bed action has got to be Priority One. I also suggest that you invest in a vibrator and use it with him in your foreplay. If you need to know why I suggest this, I welcome you or anyone else to write me and I’ll be more than happy to communicate why I feel this is important.

Don’t be shy!!!You’d be surprised!!!

Email Babz

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Suggested Reading;

Sexual Healing

Dear Aunt B,

You may just call me crazy by the end of this post…

Dear Aunt Babs,

I have lived in a new subdivision for about 6 years with my husband and three young children. After the first year a 20’s something women moved in next door with her husband and child. On our first introduction she wanted to know every detail of my home (example: square footage of rooms, window count, blah, blah). She made me feel very uneasy so I kept my distance from her, but I would still stay polite and engage in greetings and very small talk.

As we would make improvements to our home like landscaping, painting or basically anything visible. She would always inquire what was going on. I would always say something like oh my husband just likes to stay busy and he’s just puttsing around. She would then go to my husband and ask him. I would tell him not to say too much to her because I had a bad feeling about her. But I guess his forty year old dumb ass just loved the attention she gave him. Soon after he would tell her what his plan was for our house, we would get letters from our assoctiation, town hall, and later the police.

She was psycho. But he didnt believe me. He told me I was jealous of her and that she likes him and not me.

Well as time went on it all escalated this is what she did to us:

She poisoned our vegetable garden every year (until she moved)
Screamed at my then 3 year old –It gave him nighmares for years to follow.
Repeatedly called and made false police reports against me.
Her and her friends made jokes about me being fat and old in front of my daughter.(She actually thought I was in my 30’s and I’m only about 20 lbs overweight,she copied my hair, clothes,car.)
She would complain to my husband about how horrible I was when he was at work he just listened, never defended me -I overheard it happening once.
She would call town hall, the association for countless issues, and the police just to screw with us.
Throw dog and cat crap in my yard.
Put nails in our driveway (her husband was a carpenter.)
Got other neighbors that were even worse than her to screw with us while she lived there and after she moved away.

Well one day, when I was collecting baby stuff to donate. I was checking a baby monitor to see if it still was good.–Guess who’s house had one?The B—-dog’s, (that is my pet name for her). Wow a gift from God. I soon found out what true evil was. Yes –I did listen. She was obsessed with us. I heard her planning to poison our garden (I taped it), heard her calling police, town and association on us; Telling everyone how much she hated me and that I am making her life miserable.

I never did anything to her. But when I heard her plans she was making to mess with us with her other evil friend and neighbor, I was able to counter them each and every time. It was sooo bad. I just hated the bad feeling of listening but I did protect my family and property. And I felt it was just such a time waster too, listening to her. I heard her beating up her husband, kids and just being very viscious and nasty to service workers, customer service people. B-dog feels she is entitled to everything.

My big opener was when she was bragging to her friend on how she is going to sue me for harrassment and sue my husband for messing up her yard from his landscaping work. She said she was building a case against us. About the landscaping, she tried so hard to get her husband to copy everything we did–I first though of it as “keeping up with the Jones” –but her husband messed up everything on his own under her direction.

That is when we got security cameras and put them on our garden and yard area. We prevented alot of damage to our property. We almost got her on camera poisoning our garden -But her friend noticed the cameras the day of the poisoning and she called the pd and tried to make us remove them. I told the pd the story they did nothing and I also mentioned the audio, the cop said he did not want to hear about it.

Well after a while the Bdog moved and her scumbag friends that live behind us picked where she left off and well it only got worse. But that is another story in itself.

Well a couple of weeks ago, my other next door neighbor had a party for his daughter. Guess who was there?The B-dog. The neighbor is about 44yrs old, newly divorced, he has a good job, 18 yr daughter, 24 yrs old- drug/addict/on parole son, beautiful house and plenty of cash.She is his new Girlfriend. OMG. She is on the other side of me now. He was my best neighbor.He knew that she was awful to us and wost of all she is married with two sons about 3 and 5ish.

Well, when I first saw her my chest got tight and I was surprised, but I remained cool and just kept laughing. I did not interupt the party But we did leave early.

My husband wants to “bust” her and tell her husband what a slut she is and provide him with pictures that he has taken. I would like to do the same but… I have second thoughts. I think the husband would just tell her the info and she would retaliate My nieghbor guy would hate us. She might get kicked out and move in with him sooner that planned. I think she is screwing this guy for extra money and nice things. I also believe that her husband is not cutting it and not working enough to pay bills and mortgage. I think she is looking to upgrade husbands so she can maintain her status.

My question is should we get our revenge on her as mentioned? Or should we just sit back and watch her move in next door. We cannot afford to sell our house to move at this time due to the economy and my husband just got back to work two months ago.

Or if you have any other suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I just want the b-dog and the anxiety to go away. I hate the feeling of her threatening my kids and me. I do not want to be her victim. But everytime I was passive with her, She always always turned it up a notch. I am 47 yrs old and I’m afraid she will get physical with me .-I have seen her wrestle other women before. Like her girlfriend that lives behind, us they always wrestle and makeout.I guess thats what they do nowadays.

Thank You for your time.
The BlondeMom

If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang.

~Charley Reese

Dearest BlondeMom,

Wow, you’ve got your hands full. What a stinkin’ wanna be Bitch, huh? I really really can’t stand a no count girl like that. She’s not a woman so I don’t even give her that. One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?

It’s obvious that the police don’t seem to want to be bothered with what they might term as “Domestic Squabbling.” Or Or Or she’s blowing the Force and feeding them creme filled donuts made personally by hers truly. {Note to self; Be nice}

Well BlondeMom, I’m old school. I’m Fighting Irish and have been fighting the good fight all my life…well short of those bad girl years I had(but we won’t dwell on that, eh?). Suffice it to say, she’s a bully, loud and clear. And the thing they’ve proven about bullies is that they almost always have self-esteem issues thus they use fear to garner respect.

Fighting Fire with Fire

Sometimes ya just gotta get Medieval on their asses and show them how to play the game. Now, Buck the F**k up. This ain’t no Pep Talk but simply how you need to begin to see things. Hopefully, your eyes will become wide open. Yes, I want you to begin to see her for what she really is;

“A No Count Piece of Shit Wanna Be Woman”
(But she’s really just a lil’ girl in big clothes)

Sure she’s a tough one but DO NOT be afraid of her in any way, shape or form. This is what she wants and…she can smell the fear. Let me repeat myself and I quote,

“One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?”

I say this with all the certainty in my being. She wants what you have and knows she’ll never have it. So, she plays her dirty little games doing her damnedest to best you. You’ll have to have a strategy to show her really how the game is played. It does not entail being vindictive or getting even. Nope, it’s called;
“Being & Becoming a Righteous Woman,” which by the way, she’ll never be and can not copy.

You will rise above this, all of it. You will no longer be a victim nor will you be passive. You should take comfort and gain strength just knowing that you have what she wishes she could. But we need not concentrate on this. What you need to do is begin to play the Game…

I would start by spinning a web, spreading a little gossip to someone you know it’ll find it’s way back to her. I’m quite sure she has a double agent, you know someone who pretends to be your friend yet goes back and tells her everything.

Spin: I would tell this person that you have a friend of the family, a not so nice guy that has seen all the evidence and is working on this. Now, make sure you ask this person not to tell anybody. (Of course, they’ll run right back and spill their guts, hopefully).

Spin: You tell them that this not so nice friend of the family is a Private Detective and he’s working on the case. You say he’s compiling pictures, etc. to use against her. You make sure you mention that he has friends in “High Places” and he plays on both sides of the Law. You give them a few tidbits, morsels to mull over, i.e., that this guy once planted drugs on a guy that had caused a bunch of trouble.

Spin: Then tell them that the guy and his wife went to jail for it. Giggle and say that the Private Dicks client was more than pleased as the pair went away for a few years.

Spin: Then you mention on the D.L. (down low, just in case, lol)that this P.I. is cooking up something real good to handle this all and won’t even tell you what it is that way you are not nor will you ever be implicated.

This may make her a bit paranoid enough to leave you alone and to mind her own P’s & Q’s…

Now, in the event that all this is not possible (I believe it’ll work if you set it into action and think about it carefully) I want you to begin a program of assertive posturing. I no longer want you to be a victim in this. I no longer want you to be passive either. You’ll put on your “Bitch Belt™” and rise above.

See, I’m a firm believer in a few things, namely body language, innuendo and how one carries themselves. Now, I’m not talking about acting superior or egotistical but you are so far above her it is almost debilitating to her. This is why she targets you. It’s actually become an obsession for her.

From this point on, I’d like you to be aware of your posture. If you happen to see her, do not look into the face of fear but put that fear in it’s place. I mean, for real, she has no power over you unless you let her. Take it back!!!

No, you’ll face this fear, if you happen to run across her and you’ll not look away. In fact, you’ll look her straight in the face, with a twinkle in your eye as if you have some dirty little secret and you are holding in the laughter. It’s excruciatingly funny and it’s all you can do to contain it.

She’s nothing but a redneck bully, a covetous whore. See her for what she really is and no longer allow her to intimidate you in any way.

My Advice would be to first pray for wisdom, strength and guidance. This should always be your first and foremost direction. And if the afore mentioned SPIN does not work, write me again and I’ll tell you all about our Plan B…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

P.S. May my good friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ be with you!!

“When you’re a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you. Jealousy is the result of one’s lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance. The Lesson: If you can’t accept yourself, then certainly no one else will.”

Sasha Azevedo quotes (American Actress, Athlete and Model)

Romans 12:19
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Dear Aunt B,

I am having an ongoing argument with my live in BF of 4 years over the same subject..vacations. Ridiculous isn’t it? here’s the situation;

My view, age 45:I have been waiting for ten years to finally be-able to afford a vacation. If I don’t get one this year i am going to lose it! in the last 3 years I have lost a baby, the love of my life during a 1 year separation (current BF), I have seen death’s door in a submersion of depression and work like a horse…I mean i cut all the wood for the winter tend a huge veggie farm and do much of the bull work. I have lost faith in God from all of the losses and need to get out to the mountains to rejuvenate to fill up my heart and soul and find my inner self again. i have lost me.

MY BF knows this and has taken an invitation from his brother and friend to go to Colorado for a 2 week mountain climbing trip (My dream vacation). i am told i am not allowed to come as it is a guys only trip and the other guys don’t want me along. Since he can only afford one vacation, he has chosen to go with the guys and leave me to not have a much needed vacation at all or find a stranger or go myself. None of those choices are my idea of a happy vacation. I feel that we are partners and that i am the woman standing next to him daily through all the blood sweat and tears and deserve this much awaited award…something to look forward to. Insists i am only thinking of myself and being selfish for wanting him to go with me instead of his buddies.

This is the 3rd time in 5 years he has gone on this trip. His brother offered to pay his way to go and that is why he says he is going and it’s “just a camping trip” in the meantime I try desperately to find a stranger to go with…i finally did and he then offered to meet with me out in Colorado (2,000 miles away) when he got off the mountain and would then go where i wanted to.

It’s 2 days before he is to leave before me and he tells me that he feels that he is forced to have offered his car for me to drive out there which is 25 years old as it is our only working vehicle and that he feels forced to have to spend money now because i insist i need a vacation too. DUH! Considering the consequences of his bitterness and resentment toward me using HIS car and having to spend his money to go with me and share experiences i decided not to go at all with those kind of strings attached. this is to be a purging spiritual experience for me not a endless fight dredging up how i used his car ETC.. he stormed out the door with bags in hand a night before he was supposed to leave telling me how unreasonable I am for expecting him to be happy about going with me too and expecting him to offer his car to me for OUR vacation. Now i am stuck at home with no where to go and no way to do it, and no one to go with…he stranded me here out in the country with no vehicle. I am wondering now if I should start packing his things while he is gone and find someone that does put me first in their life instead of his buddies who don’t do a single thing for his life on any given day. i had suggested to him that they make plans the next time somewhere closer to home if they wanted to see each other so bad so that i didn’t have to pay the price for it and be forced to step aside my well deserved vacation for him and his buddies. he tells me i am dictating how they should spend THEIR vacation and that I am a selfish tyrant insisting he compromise.

HIS perspective Age 46: He feels that since him and his brother and friends have been doing this for the last 20 years before he ever met me that he is justified in continuing to obligate their wishes anytime they want him to go and i dare not interfere with that. He also feels that he is not purposely hurting me or forcing me to have no options. Both his brother and friend are single for many years now. they all feel that they have not hurt me and that it is my own fault (screaming it at the top of his lungs)that I am not going on vacation anyways by myself with no one to share it with. i am stuck, stranded and have no where to go. He feels that my insisting that i as his partner be first priority at all times is unreasonable and calls me immature and an insecure child. What do you think? he needs to hear this from a third party. i know what I think…he’s the child and he needs to grow up and find another door mat that might accept that kind of bull.

thank you,
Wendy

Dear Wendy,

Dear, Dear Wendy!! GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP!!! Dude is 46 and is *not* going to change.

He is obviously never one to compromise, and is definitely acting like a child. Regardless of you *needing* the vacation (I’ll get back to THAT), he should at least be able to compromise enough for him to go away for his boys only trip (some guys do this, the trip itself isn’t a bad thing) and you on a trip that is equally special.

Now, this entire bullshit about him feeling pushed into stuff, that is what pisses me off. And I’m just reading it!! These are the things that to ME set aside the difference of a working partnership, to a live in friend with few benefits. A partner wouldn’t feel they were being pushed to lending a freaking car, so you can get some much needed relaxation!! Hell, a friend would do that!

You need a break and want to share it with your partner, that is NOT unreasonable. Given the amount of things you have gone through, I would expect my partner to be understanding and want to help the healing process.

Yes, the boys only trip is important, but you are not asking him to forfeit every year! Yes, i understand that he can only do one trip, but he has to think about what is imperative to the situation. What I mean is, if he (for example) started a new job yesterday, and it was a good job that would fulfill him through the rest of his life, and he couldn’t go on this trip without losing the job, would he still go?

A relationship is just like a job. You have to show up, you have to have interest, and you have to put in a little extra over time when the companies had a bad week/month/year. It’s the same thing. If you don’t commit to the job, you’re fired. It’s that simple. But for some, they can’t see that. And it is sad when a person cannot acknowledge their partners wish to heal as a healing cry.

It’s sad when a person see’s only what they stand to “lose” to make a relationship work. And it is even more sad when that loss is something material or something that can be postponed. It’s sad because it shows they are not willing to bend, and are too selfish to see it. Honestly Wendy, I would be packing more than a vacation trunk for this guy. Just sayin’.

Hope you GO on that trip & find your inner spark!

~Xmichra Dear Wendy,

By the way, did you know the history of your name? I found it interesting that your name, “Wendy” was never used or recorded but invented for the story of Peter Pan. Pretty cool, I think. Read this link, it refutes the rumor, possibly but it is interesting nonetheless!

Anyway, I have/had real mixed emotions reading your letter. I am able to see both points of view. You are both right and you are both wrong. It’s a bit unfortunate. I will put all of this into perspective and try to be as delicate with your feelings as I possibly can.

OK, now I’d like you to read things as I write them in their entirety. This situation is a bit cruel for both of you. None of this is fair but allow me to point out a few things;

Your BF has every right in the world to want to go on this all guys camping trip. In your own words you stated that he HAS in fact gone on this trip 3 times out of the last 5 years, right?It’s not like it’s a new gig and he just pulled it out of his ass, deciding to go simply to spite you. Do you agree about this?

As well, most guy trips are exactly that. I am referring to the typical members of the “He Man Women Haters Club.” I am joking but at the same time for you to take it personal that you are not nor would you ever be invited is simply something you’ll have to try to understand. It’s just the way the ball bounces.

It’s clearly a family thing, one which they’ve been doing for many years. You wrote, and I quote;

“…(My dream vacation). i am told i am not allowed to come as it is a guys only trip and the other guys don’t want me along.“

It seems to me that you’ve taken this whole thing quite personally and have a somewhat vindictive edge to your own thinking. This does not mean that I, in any way or fashion, discount your feelings on the matter. But we must establish what is fair and what is not.

It is not fair for you to interject yourself into this family/guy thing. At the same time, the mere fact that you’ve not had a vacation in so long, while he has brings around many emotion and questions.

So, it’s like this; You’ve sacrificed, you’ve toiled and worked hard. You’ve been on the brink of disastrous thinking, skirting the edges of depression but you’ve pushed on. You’ve been through your fair share of a whole plate of bullshit that life has thrown at you…and survived. Now, it’s time for you to be, for better words: self-serving, not selfish and to look out for numero uno.

You stated that you need, basically a Spiritual outing/vacation, a need to revamp of sorts. The defining question would be;

“Why would you want him on such a quest in the first place?”

I see far beyond this initial bullshit, far beyond this relationship. And in this situation, I will not encourage you to put his shit on the door step, to leave him as this is a test for both of you. It is a test of the wherewithal and you moving past, rising above and becoming who you can and will be.

I am not trying to speak in riddles, nor am I applying some bullshit strategy to the mix. But what I see and feel are that you must, you need to go on This Quest on your own. Somehow, someway make it happen.

You will no longer be a Martyr for the cause of you two and you will not be a victim. You will rise above. I have every bit of confidence in you as a woman, the kind of woman that I admire, the kind that shitz-n-getz, oh yea.

Need I remind you that you do not need a man to round out who you are!
My point to all this is first and foremost remember that you and this fella are not joined at the hip. In order for any and all relationships to work you must both be whole beings. Your quest must be to become whole again. Do this for you. I feel it may be the single most important thing you need, your agenda right now.

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

I do firmly believe that if you can move past the way you think about some things, it will be your greatest asset. You are such a strong woman of such conviction I can not fathom how you would allow this whole thing to usurp your design. You are above this and you just need a refresher course in empowerment and a fresh way of seeing the world.

Yes, you do need this vacation but for you and you only. It will round out who you are meant to be. Watch and see..

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

Hello.

My name is Andrew I am 43 and my biological father who abandoned our family when I was 6 years old has been told he has 2 to 6 months to live (he has cancer)….I haven’t seen or heard of him since I was 6 (and even then he was a violent alcoholic)….I am recently unemployed and have 15 days to accept a new job offer 2000 miles from where my father has chosen to pass away at….on one hand I feel a moral obligation towards him….but on the other hand he is a stranger to me…and I was given up for adoption as a child (because we were six kids in the family and my mother could not care for all of us)….I really need this job…this may sound callus but the reality is when he passes his worldly concerns are over but mine go on…I’m torn between morality and reality…what are your thoughts?

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

I will flat out tell you I am a little biased here because of a similar situation with my own bio-dad. So you can choose to ignore me because of that, or choose to listen a little more. Whichever the case is, I will still answer what I feel.

Go to your job.

It doesn’t sound callous, morally wrong, or even cruel. Your situation is that where you have a longing to have your father be your dad, and to be accepted, nurtured & loved the way a child (even us adult ones) should. You are looking at staying and helping him as a way to try and mend the past 43 years. I get that.

Here are a few things i want you to consider though:

You really need this job.

HE has chosen where he wants to live out his final days. He could move.

You need to survive.

The only reason for you to stay would be out of pure guilt. But you are a good person still if you choose to go, really. This decision isn’t the easiest for a heavy heart, but you need to realise that it doesn’t matter about biology, it matters if you are real family. And anyone real would encourage you to go and make yourself well.

In the end, you need to choose what you can live with once he’s gone. *sigh*, i get that too.

But for the record, i hope you take the job & let the dream of a father go. You deserve more.

Wishing you strength & wisdom,

~Xmichra

Dear Andrew,

I’m imagining from the date, the receipt of your letter that you may have had to make this decision on and of your own. For this, I do apologize. I’ve been away and all mail was stuck in my folders. Staff did not have access because of a glitch. Again, I apologize.

At the same time, I have faith that you’ve made the right choice and have done what needed to be done. My only hope is that you’ve made decisions, one that you can live with.

Life is certainly full of every day situations and decisions we must make, choices we often must or will answer to later in life. This, your situation is a bit unfortunate simply because there will come a time, one day in the future where you will question whatever decision you’ve made.

The crux of the matter is to live by the rule that you live and do things, make those choices that you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and really look at yourself and not past yourself. One day you will understand what I’m talking about.

In this situation, your circumstance, there is no comfortable answer. There is no magic choice and there’s certainly no plausible solution that will remain wearable. But life must go on and when it’s all said and done, you must live and live without regret the best way you know how.

The nitty gritty of all this is for you to be there as best you can, as best you know how for your Father but from a distance, whatever distance that is required for you to accomplish the necessary. Yes, it is unfortunate that the circumstances can’t be better but that, like many other things which I guarantee will come along, is just an example of making mature and rational decisions…sometimes no matter how painful they might be.

I encourage you to do what is best for you, for your future. I also encourage you to find some semblance of a forgiving heart, a balance of letting bygone’s be bygone’s. I know it may be easier said than done but do me a favor and at least put that pain on hold.

This may be a tall order, asking you to put aside bad memories and especially anger. But one thing I have learned in this life is that anger kills, it serves no one, certainly not you. Yes, you may feel you have a right to this anger but again, it will not serve you.

What will serve you is to be the bigger, the better person and allow the end to be something that you can live with. You will, I hope, write me later and tell me that I was right.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Readers,

This woman, Marie Rudisill (13 March 1911 – 3 November 2006)is my Hero and a complete and utter inspiration. As I grow older, I do so aspire to be just like her. Keep reading Ask Aunt B and ya never know, I just may grow up to be just like her. I do happen to believe if it’s at all possible, I just might have a sassy, edgier attitude. We shall see. Enjoy, comment and let me know what you think!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B