Play House

Write Aunt B and ask your question at mzbabz@comcast.net

Dear Aunt B,

I am 28 with 2 young girls, a 2 and 3 year old! I married my high school sweet heart when I was 20. We seperated in August because we were both living seperate lives and had cheated on eachother… UGH! I met a wonderful man since then that is great with my girls and is awesome to me. We are engaged to be married in September!!! The dress is bought, the flowers, the reception hall… everything! But my divorce isn’t supposed to be final until June. The problem is… my ex wants me back really bad and exclames that he is a changed person… and he wants to raise our girls together… The “new guy” does have some habits and lifestyles that I find quite repulsive… but nothing I can’t get over… he is a great guy…
I would really love to raise my girls with their daddy that I really do still love and have feelings for but don’t know if I can risk being hurt again and losing a wonderful guy like the “new guy”
HELP!!!!

Dear Reader,

Okay. You definitely need to break up with your current guy, because you are *clearly* in love with your ex, and it is not fair for you to do this to him, to yourself or to your kids.

I know that you are scared of making a poor choice… but the worst thing you could do is get married when you do not love someone. Add to that your love of another and you are walking into disaster.

You need to be on your own for awhile to figure out where your heart is. “The new guy”, if he is as great as you make him sound, deserves to be loved wholly, not because he appears to be a better choice. And YOU deserve the same!

I honestly don’t know what else to say here. If you ignore this, I am positive things will get really bad, really quick, and there will be a lot of hurt people.

I wish you the courage to follow your heart.

~Xmichra.

Dear Reader,

I have to warn you; I shoot from the hip and I will tell you what and how I feel, OK?

Somehow I have the distinct feeling that you are in such need and willing to “play house“ that you stand to lose all in the end. Now mind you, this is not abnormal especially when women have been programmed for all eternity to marry and be the good lil wifey, etc. etc. and as I mentioned before, “play house.”

My concern is that you are jumping from the frying pan into the fire by over looking and I quote, “repulsive” behavior. That’s a pretty harsh word to over look much less the behavior that might accompany it. And I am simply stating the obvious.

My advice to you is to slow down for just a hot minute. I don’t care if you have bought the dress, paid for this and that, so on and so forth, a fine example of why you should never put a price on happiness.

I’d truly like you to re-evaluate your stance in all this and really ask yourself, one important question; For real, who are you truly in love with or are you settling for something, someone, anything, anyone? What is your hurry, that is the next question?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

You Want to Do What With $58 Million???

Commentary by Aunt B

And the Headline reads…
Government to condemn land for Flight 93 memorial

PITTSBURGH — The government will begin taking land from seven property owners so that the Flight 93 memorial can be built in time for the 10th anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attacks, the National Park Service said.

Read the Rest…

Commentary by Aunt B…

We did it to the Native Americans and you’d think by now we’d have matured enough not to do it again. Now, the Government is going to take land for a memorial for Flight 93.

I imagine if I owned land and the Government was trying to hand me a song and dance, you know less than the value for my land, I’d be pissed and would stall too. Yes, I’d probably hold out, calling their bluff…but it has backfired, I do believe.

They will now take the land they want, unless I’m not catching on to the exact thinking and reasoning in this whole affair. And it’s deplorable, sad and out and out outrageous.

In the first place, I will allow you to call me an asshole but I could never ever condone and sign my name to spending and I quote;

The seven property owners own about 500 acres still needed for what will ultimately be a $58 million, 2,200-acre permanent memorial and national park at the crash site near Shanksville, about 60 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.

Yea, call me an asshole, whatever but I could never spend that kind of money knowing that, in this economy when you have people living in tent cities, barely making it with that little bit of food stamps, having to send your kids to school to get the free breakfast and lunch, seniors barely able to make it and I could go on till the flippin cows came home, how in the hell can you justify spending $58 million dollars on a memorial? I have a heart but damn, it is insanity at it’s finest. Please explain it to me?

I read the news every morning. At least, at the very least, once a week, I read of someone who has killed his family and then himself because he’s lost his job and about to lose his home. I read of another drug bust of some young kid and…

MTV, I hold you in contempt, oh yes I do. You’ve lied to our youth and you’ve single handedly caused the down fall of thousands of young men, especially young black men.

“OMG Babz, what in the hell did you just say???”

This is my blog and I will say what I damn well please and hopefully speak the truth. And And And don’t f*n tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. Let me tell you, I lived for several years in Garfield and East Liberty, right in the ghetto’s of Pittsburgh. If that’s not enough for you, I also lived in “Crack Hill,” and “The Bottom” in Fredericksburg, Virginia, again, for years. Not enough? I lived around and scored my drugs in the ghetto’s in 5 States. I have an educated opinion and have been in the trenches.

It’s hard for anyone to get a job, not to mention young uneducated black men who already have one strike against them because of their color. They are brought up with the mindset that because they are black they’ll have no chance in hell to make it in this world. But look at Obama, would ya please?

They spend a good portion of the day watching MTV and they see all the Brothers with their Bling, their fast cars and their faster women. And they begin to believe that it is the definition of a successful black man, a for real Gangsta. No, you ain’t shit if you don’t have it; It being the clothes, the shoes, the jewelry to say the least.

MTV’s shows like “Cribs“ are good on one hand as they show what you can have if you can achieve, usually as a Rapper. But video’s set the standard. They are the catalyst, especially the ones that show life in the hood and how it’s supposed to be.

So how does a young black man get all that stuff when he can’t even get a job? He sells drugs, that’s what. And the examples that are set are of living a “Thug Life”, especially from video’s where Gangsta Rap are concerned. And it’s living a lie.

If you think I’m wrong, allow me to remind you that there are more black men in Prison for drug sales than just about anything else. If it’s not for drug sales, it’s for what I fondly call, “Crimes to Sustain.”

Are you wondering what I’m talking about when I say “Crimes to Sustain”? It is a crime that is done to get what you have and I don’t, what you have that I want to sell and sustain me or my lifestyle.

Go ahead, ask a black man why he’s in prison and it’s usually because he wanted a certain lifestyle he couldn’t get any other way…or so he thought and was taught. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a desire to dress nicely and I believe you should dress for success. But dirty deeds will never be rewarded. Crime does pay but only for a minute. Why doesn’t MTV teach that?

Why don’t the video’s show how it looks as they make you spread your cheeks and cough? Why don’t the video’s show how fucked up it feels to have to stand naked in a group when they do a Shakedown in Prison? And you ain’t going to get to wear your bling in there when you become just another inmate who believed the hype, the lies and alibi’s.

The Answer; An Incentive to Excel

$58 million dollars is a lot of money and so much good could be done with it. In memory of those that have died, those that were heroic that day, why not set up scholarships and grants that just might give someone, specifically minorities, a whole life of help. It’s like the old adage, “Give a man a fish and he eats well for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats well all of his days,” or something like that?

Yes, that’s a whole lotta love that could be spread, $58 million. For those that face life heroically every day living in the ghetto’s all across America, why not give them incentive to excel. I don’t mean little $1000 scholarships, I mean send them to school; College, Universities, Vocational, all expenses paid.

Blacks across America are doing and behaving, going to prison for and paying the price of and for a mindset of little to no choices. The funny thing is that this could be changed with this incentive to excel. But it must start at home, in school and when the child is young. He’s got to have a plausible dream, an attainable goal.

If a parent knows that they have a golden carrot, an opportunity afforded their children, they just might teach them that they have a chance. Right now misery and pain, seem to be passed down generation to generation. It’s predisposition, a precursor for disaster, over and over. This could be changed…

Knowledge is power. The implication of it all, the proposition of it in it’s entirety is endless. For a parent to be able to teach and tell their children that if he/she works very hard at getting good grades and staying in school, that they will have an amount of money set aside for them, specifically $58 million dollars, it will make a difference.

Do you even realize the difference this would/could make? Might you even surmise what a difference even half of that allocated money could do to really help? Let me just put it into perspective for you; Your crime rate will go down, the prison system will not be as over loaded as it is, your world as well as theirs will be a better place.

If I can see this, why can’t they?

Labels: Commentary by Babsbitchin, Flight 93, MTV, National Park Service, Pittsburgh

Doors of Communication

Write Ask Aunt B @ mzbabz@comcast.net

This is an Aunt B expose’

Saturday, April 25, 2009
Doors of Communication

Dear Reader’s,

As of late, I’ve found myself visiting the blogs of people, I don’t really know on the sidebars of some regulars I read. A lot of these blogs are about being the parent of a drug addict. So very sad.

And it occurred to me that God has blessed me with really being the only F***-Up in the family. What I mean by this is that while my daughter struggles with an addiction to Soma, my three sons really do not practice, note that word, “Practice” current and/or hard core drug use.

There’s no pat on the back for this because they watched as I shot up Heroin, drank whiskey shots like a seasoned Sailor and basically lived a life of every day crime.

Yea, I used to kid, “A Crime a day, keeps the Doctor away,” meaning I wouldn’t be dope sick if I committed some crime, scam, scheme, whatever it took to get my bundle of Heroin. And you can bet your ass, before I started doing heroin and was taking massive quantities of pills/opiates, I stole or wrote/forged Prescriptions for years to facilitate my habits as well as my husbands. I’m certainly not proud of this and as I write it, I could just puke.

If I’d tell you some of the rotten awful things I did, you’d probably say, “OMG Babz, you did not?” But I did and the past person I was, is a different person. I even changed my name from Barbara to Babz cause I’m not “her/Barb” anymore.

It saddens me though when I read some of the pain this Drug War has caused. And that’s exactly what it is, an all out War on and against, especially the juvenescence of today. This shit is taking your children hostage and promises to kill, harm or maim them for life. And of course, your life will never be the same.

First let me say that I don’t claim to know it all, hell I’m just recently beginning to realize this and am hell bent for leather to learn all sorts of sordid details. Not really, actually I want to know and learn, sew and say all the best I can in the time allotted me, left on this earth. I have a whole butt load of Karma, the good one, I need to replenish and give back. And I know Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ on a first name basis. I met her in Prison…

As I stood on that bridge, (another story in itself), ready to jump into the icy waters below. Here I was out, in the middle of a blizzard, no one on the roads, on the hunt for dope. I scored one bag but couldn’t do it because I had to walk home first and share that one bag with my SOB husband who divided it, giving him the bigger portion. It was barely enough to even get myself right much less the two of us.

Dope sick, barely able to stand, I threw my leg over the bridge railing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw headlights. This storm was so bad even the natives were nestled in, all except for me and this one man in his car. I remember being pissed, thinking, “WTF???,” as I put my leg back down. He slowed down, just as he came upon me. His passenger side window was down, the street lamp illuminating his face.

Now, I don’t know if you believe in Angels or not but I sure do…NOW! This old white haired man, scraggly and I even think he was missing some teeth, smiled so warmly, the smile actually embraced me. I can’t explain it. I fell on my knees in the snow. There was a “Silent Scream” only heaven could hear. My tears almost froze to my face as I begged God for forgiveness. I also begged Him to help me, “Please God, I can’t do this anymore, please help me?”

I didn’t even say what it was that I needed help with but He knew. I’d tried to get help at the Hospital and for one, they told me I wasn’t sick enough to be admitted to the Hospital. Secondly, they said that both my husband and myself could not be admitted at the same time to the same Rehab. The intake evaluator guy was a real dick and offered no solution.

Neither one of us would dare leave the other out to fend for ourselves, especially considering I was my husbands meal ticket, I did all the dirty work which, to this day he readily admits. But they had shot us down anyway, as I said stating that we weren’t sick enough. I remember thinking how much I hated that guy just about the same time as I fell off the curb, cracking my head open on the bumper of a taxi cab (which I couldn’t even afford to take at the time and had to walk) because I was so weak I could hardly stand.

The Gift???

Well, it wasn’t all shiny or wrapped up in a big Pink or Red Bow. And it sure as hell wasn’t pretty. But God gave me a wonderful gift…He threw me, lock, stock and barrel, right into jail and then onto to my 2 1/2 to 5 year State Prison venture. It took some time for me to realize “The Gift.” It took a hot minute before I wasn’t so pissed off that I could spit nails. It took even longer for me to come to a realization that God had saved my life by throwing my sorry butt into Prison.

Bitter or Blessed???

Yes, good ol’ Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ gave me time to think and think and think. I’d been sentenced up to 5 years of my life for something I didn’t do, I just couldn’t prove it from where I was sitting. That’s a whole other story in itself but suffice it to say, I WAS GUILTY just not for the exact crime listed on the Indictment!

I’d done so many awful, God forsaken things, I deserved to be exactly where I was, I actually deserved Life. But how does one garner wisdom amongst the best criminals, insanest, meanest, nastiest people this world has to offer? You study them and yourself, which is exactly what I did. I turned the whole experience around, flipped the script and did everything I could to learn from it.

I took special notes concerning the fact that most of the inmates were there because of drugs, drinking, drug sales. I studied them, their behavior and I listened intently to what they had to say. As well, I was given the opportunity to go into a six month In-House Rehab Program called New Beginnings, while I was incarcerated. You are pretty much sequestered during this extremely strict program. I worked that bitch like my life depended on it, (which it actually did)all the while going through intense Interferon Treatment for Hep C.

So by going to prison, I broke the chain of heroin abuse, I broke the chain of domestic abuse that I’d endured for more than a decade and I think I broke the chain of events that led up to and facilitated a lot of my killing my self slowly behaviors. I even think I may have learned to like myself again. And it was all a Blessing, big time.

Again, it took a while to understand the mechanics of it all but I realize that most people that go in to prison come out one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. Unfortunately, the majority come out real angry for having their lives disrupted and they’re surely not remorseful. In fact most are mad because they were caught.

For me, it was a time to stop and reflect, to learn and gain knowledge about myself as well as others; what makes them tick, what causes them to behave as they do and why do they continue in the same vein of unhappy addictions and addictive behaviors. These are all seen, in my eyes, as gifts.

I was also given a gift in the capacity to remember everything about how I felt and why I did things, especially concerning my teen years. I recall, collectively, what spurred me on to drugs-n-drinking. I now have the resounding collection of “Do Not’s” squarely fixed in my mind. If I was told;

Do Not Do Drugs
Do Not Drink
Do Not Have Sex
Do Not Share A Needle
Do Not Drink-n-Drive
Do Not Play With Guns
Do Not Go W/O Your Seat Belt…

I did it…and got addicted, got pregnant, got Hep C and on and frigin’ on.

Yes, it’s a gift that I can remember all this and have not burned out all my brain cells. I was in a really bad car accident(I was hit by two cars, drag racing, one head-on) when I was just 18. I had massive head trauma from going through the windshield. I was hurt badly enough they were going to put me in a Nursing Home. Besides the injuries that were visible, I had a terrible problem with short term memory loss.

My long term memory was not affected and I can even remember playing in my crib, climbing out and finding a bottle under my crib that was sour. I can also remember going for long walks with my Mom, in the stroller. To tide me over, my Mom would put chocolaty “*Metracal” in my bottle. It was a popular a diet drink back in the early sixties. The thing is, my Mom, who proudly exclaimed she followed the orders of “Dr. Spock” had me off the bottle by 18 months old. This means that I have memories of and before I was 18 months old.

The point is that, painful as it might be, I remember how I felt about things, especially as a teen. I mean, I can remember how hurt I was by the comments of boys like when they called me “Boobie Barbara” in 6th grade. As well I distinctly remember how I felt that I could not go to my Mom and Dad to talk about my personal problems and complexes, notable to a teen with such low self-esteem as I had. I felt fat and ugly, fueled by comments innocently spewed(I hope?) by my own Mother.

I was certainly not able to talk about sex and such. They were either too busy chasing the American Dream or had too many hang-ups themselves about personal issues. My own Mom was mean, hateful and beat the livin’ shit out of me on a daily basis. It’s no wonder I sought love in all the wrong places. They were “Unapproachable.”

The best advice I could give to any parent is to be aware of the doors of communication. Are they closed? That’s when you seem unapproachable or maybe you’re too busy with work and your children don’t feel they can come and talk to you about anything and everything. This is the exact spot, the very pinpoint to the beginning of the end.

See, when your kid can’t come to you and ask you anything or talk to you about what’s going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly or you down play their emotions and you can bet your ass they have them, that’s when the problems begin. Now they’re going to go to their friends for advice and that sense of family. That’s when your daughter is going to seek counsel, love, whatever from some older guy.

You have to realize that their emotions run the gambit from desires to be older to emotional immaturity as in holding onto childhood behaviors. One day they’ll seem and believe that they’re all grown up while the next they’ll do something very childish and immature. But the thing you have to remember is that this is their emotions and they are really real.

You can not leave it up to the school system to raise your child. As well, you can not leave it up to the school system to teach your child about sex and drugs either. While D.A.R.E. is a good program, parents, you’ve still got to sit down with your kids and *talk to them about drugs, drinking, sex, peer pressure, cyber bullying, internet predators and unfortunately you’ve got to let them in on the very worst secret of all; That it is not all lollipops and cotton candy out there. There are people in this world that can and will harm them.

Do You Know Them???

Note the word “Talk.” Now, when you speak to your child, of course, you want to command respect. If you want a rapport with your children though you’ve got to be mindful of these doors of communication and are they open, always open, 24/7? And do you speak down to them? Speak over them? Speak above them?

The big question of the day is this; Do you really, really know your child? Does your child have a secret side for fear of chastisement, punishment or retribution? Do they have that secret side because you might not understand?

I don’t claim to be the sharpest peanut in the turd but I will say, if nothing else, I am observant. I see parents all the time, especially Mothers who treat their teens as equals, as a friend and are almost fearful of disciplining their child, expressly their adolescent children. These are quite often the Moms who want to be the “Cool Mom” on the block. They tend to look the other way rather than deal with the ginormous monstrosity that is their child.

I know all this because I was that Mom who wanted to be the “Cool Mom.” And because of my own addictive behaviors and thinking, I allowed my own kids to get high, in the bathroom, in my own home. I also taught my children all the finer things in life where it concerns being a good criminal.When they busted me, it was front page news and the headline read, something like, “Busted; Ma Barker & Her Boys.” I was shackled to my youngest son, for God’s sake. Does it get any badder than that?

“Let Go & Let God”

For those parents that have kids already down that road, going down Addiction Alley, I pray that you will find calm assurance and realize the power of prayer. I’ll pray that you see that you’ll have to allow them to fall before they can ever climb up. This is one of the absolute hardest things a Mom can go through because we can’t stand for our children to hurt. But the thing is, they’ve got to feel the burn, they’ve got to know that no one, short of God is going to save them. They’ve got to feel the repercussions of their actions or they’ll continue to carry on, every day, in the same way. You’ve got to stay in prayer and allow them to hit their own personal bottom, now, before it’s too late.

Open 24/7

If you are a parent of a pre-teen or teenager, I hope you will see the relevance of and awareness of those doors of communication, that I mentioned before. And I want you to take a long hard look at what is really important in this life; Is it that American Dream you keep chasing? You know the one where you think that both of you need to work over time to keep that second SUV in the garage, have a t.v. in every room, give your kid the best of the best, a cell phone, computer and on and on. But check this out: You work over time to get all this crap that you must ask yourself, “Do I really need all this to define happiness?”

Yes, you have to work over time and then you feel guilty for it so you think you’ll compensate your kid by buying them all the things you didn’t have growing up. But for real, what they need is YOU, not all this BS you work so hard to get.

The pitch line here is this; Parents, your children need you. Are you really there for them? Do you really know your child?

Hypethetically Speaking;

Did you know that a 23 year old guy is talking to your daughter, online and treats her all grown up and tells her how he desires her so badly?
(He wants to meet her and is trying to talk her into it. She’s scared but wants to be desired by somebody, anybody. She believes she’s ugly so she’s just ecstatic because somebody has taken an interest in her.)

Did you know that your son has been driving around with his pals, getting drunk in order to fit in with the rest of the football team?
(I mean he just wants to be accepted but he’s playing with death)

Did you know that the reason your daughter is so thin is because she’s Anorexic?
(Yea, she was a bit chubby and the kids made fun of her, especially the boys)

Did you know that your child’s failing grades are because she’s caught up with a group of girls, “The Stoners?”
(She was doing fairly well but because of her low self-esteem she wanted to be accepted into the cliche of girls, you know the bad ones who’ll steer her wrong. Those girls are not the prettiest or brightest so she feels safe amongst them because they really can’t put her down. She’ll start skipping school so she can hang out at that friends house who’s Mom, a single mother, is always at work and they can party at her house and not get caught)

There are so many, “Do You Know’s” you must ask yourself, about your child. And I could go on forever but suffice it to say, it’s preventive medicine if you try to get to really know your child, reach out to them and let them know that they have permission to come to you about anything, especially before they do it.

Take A Look!

Your kids are less apt to seek out that sense of family, if they are still getting it at home. Take A Look! If you want them to learn about this life’s ups and downs and why they should or shouldn’t do something, you’d better assume the role of parent and teach them yourself. Take A Look!

If you want them to understand that drugs-n-drinking just might take them down, you’d better teach them yourself. But it’s not good enough to simply say, “Now, don’t you do this or that.” No, you’ve got to explain why and a 5 minute talk on the subject is not going to do. You’ve got to explain how they can get out of the situation if they are offered drugs or any illicit behavior.

Your best bet is to arm yourself with an understanding of addiction and addictive behaviors. I suggest you study all you can on the subject so you may be armed with an educated opinion on the subject.

Teaching them to “Just Say No to Drugs” is not enough. What I mean by this is while the school system teaches them some on the subject, they don’t know your child, what makes them who they are and what might cause them to turn to drugs/drinking. That is a question you must ask yourself before it happens. That is pertinent to you and your child and something you must face together.

Don’t make the stupid mistake of assuming that your child will never mess around with drugs and/or drinking. It’s safer to say that they will be faced with it and just telling them to, again, “Just Say No to Drugs” is not enough. You’ve got to delve into the subject, the meat of the whole shabang. And that entails letting them know, showing them what happens when you play with fire; you will get burned.

Your best stance, to take might be to let them know that getting high is an escape they may never be able to escape from. Tell them that if they do have an addictive personality and they do try drugs, it will ruin their lives. Notice that I didn’t say “might ruin their lives.” Drugs will most certainly place your kid on the road of self destruction. They’ve got to know why it’s so dangerous to try; They may think they love it, need it and will then do anything to get it. That’s the truth of the matter.

Speak to them now, before it’s too late!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*1950s through the ’70s:

Metracal was the first weight-loss shake product, adapted from baby formula by Mead Johnson
Nutritionals. It was wildly successful. The company also marketed Metracal cookies. Metracal is now off
the market.
Source; Whatever Happened To…
History of Diets

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 3:24 PM
Labels: Anorexia, D.A.R.E., Doors of Communication, Drugs, Drugs and Drinking
Reactions:

The Strong One

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x

Dear Love struck and Unsure x,

The first thing that comes to my mind is to tell you to never change who you are to please anybody. Now, there’s not a thing wrong with brightening up the package but I encourage you to continue to be you.

As well, I see nothing wrong with you liking this guy, even if his Dad is dating your Mum. I don’t encourage it for a few reasons though. For one, if your Mum breaks up with his Dad, it may make it hard on you, on your relationship. And just as it might go the other way, where as your Mum might become serious with this fella, that scenario as well could present problems.

What I mean is the fact that if your Mum were to marry this guy, the guy you like would then become your step-brother. Then, it might be frowned upon because he then becomes family. It is not the first time this has happened and in fact, before my own step-brother became family because his Dad married my Mom, I had a crush on him. It then made it pretty weird and I no longer pursued anything more than friendship.

So these are a few things you should consider. Think it through and remember “there are millions of fish in the sea.” What that means is that I would encourage you to realize that there are so many guys in the world for you to choose from, maybe you should not get involved with this one?

Now, if you feel you absolutely must because, as you said, “I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate.,” you’ll have to keep in mind that this could open a whole can of worms, possibly making it difficult for all those involved. This is a decision only you can weigh or make.

The next thing I want to address is that you called yourself, “Frigid.” I think you are far from that, I can just tell. I happen to believe that you were just not interested in any one guy up to this point. So don’t be so hard on yourself.

Girls your age are often more mature than guys your age. It’s a fact that for the most part, girls mature quicker than boys, too. But it’s a truly wonderful age, one I enjoyed myself. I can also remember being sooooo in love with a certain guy and then the next week, viewing him as a complete dork and I’d wonder what did I ever see in him. Mark my words, you’ll find yourself in the same situation.

At this age, you can be quite wishy washy, in love one minute, out of love the next. It’s normal. Hormones run rampant and it’s usually a time of exploration. You want to experience everything, especially what is considered “adult” stuff. And at 13 you find yourself wanting to be all grown up.

But being all grown up comes with so many disadvantages. If I could give you any advice it would be to not rush things. At this age, you already feel grown up, you might even believe you know it all. I know I did and I rushed towards doing all the adult things, if you will; Sex, Drugs and all the things that are supposed “adult” things.

I wrote about it here and I hope you will take the time to read it;

“Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life”

Growing up sucks, being an adult is so over rated. I implore you to at least read my answer to another teen as is a bit part of my story.

I can tell that you are a wonderful young lady, bright and bubbly, a bit misunderstood but one who stands firmly if you believe in something strongly enough. Yes, you are still a bit of a tomboy, so am/was I and I encourage you, as I stated before, to just be you.

Normally, you are never concerned with what people think of you. Suddenly because you like this guy, you want to change who you are. Be yourself at all times.

I see that right now, you are not sure who you are. You are still trying to figure this out. Let me tell you what I see;

(In the Zone)

“I see a young girl who has extremely strong values and beliefs. You are pretty and this is not even an ‘Ugly Duckling’ story. You can be hard on yourself which is good if it is about getting things done, i.e. homework and such. It is bad if you continue to be so harsh about your own looks. You have to keep in mind that right now, it is an awkward stage/age. You will grow out of all this and become the beauty that you can not see just yet. Continue to stand for the ‘underdog’ as you tend to do. All this will serve you later. You as well as your life will be successful if you do not lose track of what is important. I can see that if you fall into the pattern of putting things off, it will catch you un-awares. I can also see that you will have a problem with addiction if you do not say ‘NO’ loud and clear. Be proud that you march to a different drummer. You will always be the one your peers look up to if you continue to be strong. You are a leader, even though you can not see it. They do/will look up to you and you must be the strong one. See, you will and can affect so many lives if you use this strong backbone that you do/will have. If you remember that they are watching and looking to you for answers, if you continue to think things through before you do, it will serve you all the days of your life. It will also help countless others.“

You have so much to offer and you must remember this!
Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 12:35 PM

Re-Post; Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

Dear Aunt Babz,

Has your mom ever annoyed you soooo much you want to runaway?

Dear Reader,

To answer your question; she sure did and I did run away!

My Dad was/is a Lt.Colonel but it was my Mom who was the Drill Sergeant. She was a taskmaster and I thought she was just being mean. She made me keep my room immaculate and I had to do dishes and clean the house, do laundry and on and on. I can remember thinking, “I’m not the maid here. Slave labor was abolished.” I realize now, that she was teaching me life skills, a good work ethic and strong, sturdy personal habits. If I had only seen this, things may have been different.

I was always in trouble and spent most of my childhood, mainly my teen years on restriction; no phone, no going out. I had to stay in the house. I’m not talking a day or two, I’m talking weeks, months of restriction to the house.

We have a wonderful relationship now but back then it was real bad.I hated my Mom and I believed she hated me. She was so hard on me and when I messed up, I was then restricted. I was convinced she truly could not stand me. I was always getting in trouble, always doing something stupid and I had criminal behaviors, even then. I gave my Mom, a run for her money. I was real good at being bad and did not pay attention in school. Who the heck needs to learn about how to spell or fractions and junk. I wanted them to stop wasting my time because I knew it all.

I stole her Cadillac at the tender age of 14, in an attempt at running away. I was headed to Ocean City, Md., I lived in Virginia. I went across state lines and was caught, in Maryland. I was then fingerprinted and charged by the F.B.I. with Interstate Transportation.
That was not the last time I ran away. The very last time, Miss Know It All, was 16. I ended up getting pregnant. Running away from home, changed my life forever. There was never, any turning back and I had made those choices, me and me alone.

Looking In The Mirror

I wanted to be all grown up. What I didn’t realize was, along with being all grown up, came responsibilities. I can look back now and laugh about how ridiculous I was. I am able to see now, just how badly I blew things out of proportion, just how badly I blew up my life. I didn’t want to be told what to do because I thought I, she’s just being mean. I didn’t realize she was teaching me but you couldn’t tell me that. I had no real understanding of what being an adult, really entailed. I thought I could take care of myself, after all, how hard could it really be? I immediately found that I couldn’t even get a job without my parents signature on the work permission slip. Even if I had not needed a permission to work slip, do you really think I could have found a job, at 14 or even 16, that would have paid me enough to live on my own? I had no real skills but I knew it all. Nobody hires “Know It Alls,” simply because they say so, huh? So, what’s a girl to do in a big mean world of big mean people just waiting to take advantage of you?
I thought I was in love. This guy was taking care of me. He had me living with him and he bought my food and so on. Did I practice safe sex? Nope and I never thought “I” would get pregnant. Now, how stupid is that? Girls have been getting pregnant since the dawn of time. It’s a fact, the simple rule of the birds and the bees. I was immature enough to think I was all grown up and knew it all. Yet, I couldn’t even understand the very concept of how, when you have sex, you get pregnant. It’s as elementary as it gets but why didn’t I believe it could or would happen to me? When you get pregnant it changes your life and oh yes Lord, you will have to grow up. But not before you learn it all the hard way. Your childhood is ripped out of your hands and you get what you want; you are all grown up. All the crying in the world won’t change a damn thing either. You can cry because you can’t go out anymore because you now have to stay home with a baby. You can cry because you just flushed your chances of going to college down the crapper, much less graduating high school with the rest of your class. You can cry because your baby won’t stop crying, even though it’s been fed, changed, cuddled and it’s still crying and it’s the middle of the night. What do you do…call Mommy?
So, you do the right thing, you get married to a guy you later realize you never loved, not in the sense of the Prince Charming you dreamed about. You fight all the time because you really didn’t know each other in the first place and you are not really compatible but you stay with him because now, you are pregnant again. Who’s going to give a job to some young girl with a kid and one on the way. You don’t even have your High School diploma because you were pregnant and didn’t graduate. Why won’t they hire you, you know it all? So, you cook and clean and try to be the good little wife and here comes baby #3 and you are happy but you hate your life and you stand there, in front of the mirror and watch in horror as your body gets stretched and distorted. Your pretty breasts are no longer youthful, you are covered in stretch marks and the circles under your eyes betray you.
Mrs. Know It All didn’t sleep again last night. The oldest child is sick with a fever and threw up all over his bedding and it’s the only set of Sesame Street sheets you own for him. So, you put him in your bed, put his sheets in the wash and then he throws up all over your sheets and child #2 just woke up because child #1 is crying because he’s sick. You’re not feeling so good yourself and you just want to cry. Next thing you know, you have two in diapers, you have this pouch that hangs at your stomach and you are standing in front of the mirror and you question, how the hell it all happened. You have stretch marks on your breasts and they just don’t stand up like they used to. You don’t have time to even contemplate it too much cause now baby #3 is crying and needs fed. You go to pick him up and he’s pooped up the back of his chair and you’ll have to clean that before you can put him back down but don’t trip over all the toys on the floor. Those damn Lego’s are the most painful, especially in the middle of the night, when you least expect it. You are so tired after cleaning up, chasing kids, doing laundry, cooking dinner, feeding the kids and you climb into bed, at the end of the night exhausted. The hubby wants to be frisky cause that’s what they do. So, you lay there, tired and feeling half dead and let a man who you really don’t love, make love to you. You just hope he’ll hurry so you can get some sleep.

So, you stand in front of the mirror again, years later and you ask yourself, “What the hell happened?”
Now, you get them all into school and you keep thinking how you want to get out of the house, maybe get a part-time job. They ask you, “Well, Mrs. Know It All, what skills do you possess, besides knowing it all, that will cause me to hire you?”
Nothing is more humbling than when you realize, that even at McDonald’s you have to be trained and that may be the only job I might be given the chance to shine?
Years go by, you feel empty inside. You are tired of your life and you want a change. You leave your husband, take his children and start out on your own. You find yourself in the same stupid mess, needing help. You meet another loser and tell yourself you are in love. He’s abusive but you feel stuck. He cripples you with his abuse and you cry in silence. He drinks and you start just to get on the same page and tolerate him. You try drugs to shut out the noise and they work, so you think. You keep slipping further and further into the lies, just so you don’t have to feel the mess you’ve created by your choices. Now, you’re addicted and those children you love so much become last on your list of important things to take care of. You never stopped loving them but you had more important things to do. You have an addiction to feed, an angry addiction.
You look in the mirror and you see a woman, old before her time. Mrs. Know It All, has track marks on her arms and hates herself so badly that she no longer wants to live. But who wants to waste good heroin on killing yourself? It’s when you don’t have it and you are so sick, that you want to die. You look at yourself, a shell of a person, a waste of skin, waste of life. And you wonder what happened?

Mrs. Know It All then became a number OF6708. She couldn’t look in the mirror from her Prison cell. She might kill herself with the glass. She was so glad she couldn’t see herself but could only imagine just how pathetic she looked. She sure didn’t know it all now. She sure wished she could turn back the hands of time but there’s no such thing. There were no tears left for her to cry as they humbled her with their strip searches and indignities.
What she became aware of, what she did learn was that she had choices all along, from the very beginning. It took a lifetime to learn. It almost took her life.

Choices

You have choices in every single minute of every day. Your story is different but I think you just need some coping skills. If your Mom tells you to do something and you question it, you need to look at why she may be asking you to do that something. You need to talk to her. If the lines of communication are down in your house, build new ones. If you think something is unfair, ask her why she is asking you to do whatever it is, she’s asking. Ask without an attitude and you just might not be met, with an attitude. Remember that your Mom is human, she’s only a woman trying to be your Mom, that ain’t easy. Ask yourself what is she trying to teach you instead of thinking she’s being mean. Write her a letter and explain how you feel and ask her to explain. Never forget what it would like without your Mom, you’ll never have another and you’ll never find the same love a mother has, for her daughter. If things are strained, don’t run, try to work it out. What choices do you have, to make things better? Make the right choice, please?

Yes, Mrs. Know It All was me. My name now, is… Mz.Babs Humbled.

Keeping It Really Real,

Aunt Babz

Little Steps/Locked Away

Monday, January 5, 2009

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 20 years old and obese, and have lived with my grandmother all of my life. Ever since I graduated from high school at 17, my grandmother has tightened down on me… I got a “job” with her older gentleman friend, taking care of him. $40 a week is all I get… and my grandmother gets all but $15 of that. I am not “allowed” to get another job, and even though I’ve tried many, many times to get a job without her consent, no one will hire me around here. I’m not allowed to go anywhere, talk to anyone on the phone, or anything else other people my age find “fun”. I’ve been living like this for three and a half years.

I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.

Three years ago I met the most wonderful person in my life via the internet and have established a strong, strictly monogamous (and possessive), loving relationship. We’ve promised to be married as soon as I get away from here. She can’t do anything for me either because of her situation (he parents are much like my grandmother; we are both of age but still under the strict rule of a matriarch). I am not second-guessing our relationship, how much I love her, or the fact that I want to go to her.

I want out. I’ve gotten a friend of mine to help me GET to her in another state… But I have no way of getting money or a place to stay when I do. I honestly have no hope of saving money for that purpose either. I can’t stay with her because of her parents. I can’t afford a place of my own. Should I go homeless until I can get a job? Apply for welfare? I don’t know what to do. But I’m not staying here.

Dear Locked Away,

I have no idea how you are doing what you are doing… wow. Incredible strength to live a life like yours, I just can’t fathom and completely understand wanting out.
I do want to suggest that you talk with your grandmother about what you want to do though, and tell her that you are going regardless of what or how she feels so she has the choice to either help you and support your decision or to shun you, which would be horrible for you. Explain that she has indeed raised you well, and you appreciate the life she has sustained for you and her, and you love her. But you need to stretch out and explore life, you need to live your own life, and you want her to be a part of it. But you need to do this, with or without her.

Reason I say to do this, there are two. One, is she will be worried sick if you up and leave and she has no idea what happened. Something could happen to her, which you would never forgive yourself for. Two, you owe it to yourself to stand up and take control of your life and not just run away. This is going to be the defining moment in your life, where you will look back and say “I did it, and this is my life”. You will want that moment, believe me.

I do not recommend being homeless, that’s for sure. So you need to be a little bit more proactive. Being homeless isn’t just not having a place to stay. It’s no food, no shelter, no where to keep clean (which drastically diminishes your chance at finding and keeping a job). It’s not a good route to go. And she is in the same predicament, so I don’t see her moving out of her house to live on the streets as well. Thus destroying any hope of happiness you two so want.

First things first, you have access to the internet, so use it! You can apply for jobs (there are plenty of minimum wage jobs out there to give you some experience and money, and you may need to work two jobs for the time being to get your footing) on-line, and you can look for a place to stay (like a half way house or boarding house that you can pay for daily instead of monthly like most apartments). Look around the area via on-line and see what you can do and how to survive before you do anything rash.
Get your girlfriend involved with your search, make a plan and be smart about the choices you make. You will have a great life, if you are not afraid to take the steps, and are wise enough to stay clear of the wrong ones.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Locked Away,

I have a strict rule within our little society, to never read an answer given by another staff member before I post it, simply because I do not want to be biased or swayed from or in my answer. This allows me as well, to look towards my own resources for my very own opinion. But damn if I wasn’t tempted to look at Xmichra’s answer to you. I’m almost at a loss for your answer. I will pray for guidance and wisdom in my words to you.

You are definitely in a very precarious position, one which seems to have no out. But one thing I have learned as I look back on my life; Even in my darkest hour, at the worst possible moment and situations, I can see there were always, always choices. You just must look for them. As well, sometimes it takes pure unadulterated resilience to make a change.

You must take little steps to this change, make it one day, one moment at a time. The first step is to a healthier you. You say you are obese, well, a good portion of America is obese and part of that is because we have lost touch with what it is to eat right. Once we begin to eat wrong, eating the wrong things become a “Craving.” You will crave the saturated fats, you will crave the refined sugar, Debbie Cakes, Twinkies and the lot. Yes, your body craves the poison you put into it. Once you become aware that this is happening and make a conscience effort to change it…believe it or not…it will begin to change.

Most people fall when they diet because they don’t know how to properly diet. You seem reasonably intelligent so I urge you to do your homework, study yourself; Why do you eat? What do you eat? How are you eating?

I don’t claim to be a diet guru and I sure as hell don’t know all the answers. In fact, I don’t always practice what I preach. I am 5′3 and 135lbs. That means I am not obese but I have been. In order for me to lose any weight myself, I had to take notice of a few things. It’s just a few simple observations that changed some things for me. One of those observations was that if we listen to our bodies, instead of our bad habits, deeply ingrained, thing begin to change.

In example; I noticed that those children that were of normal height and weight, my own children, in fact, do not eat if they are not hungry. Their bodies, their own metabolism tells them, “Hey, slow it down there Mister.” You can put their absolute favorite food in front of them; pizza hot dogs, chips, cake, whatever and if they are not hungry, they will not eat it…until they learn bad habits.

So, ask yourself; “Have I ever eaten just for the sake of eating, even when I wasn’t hungry?”The start of even a tad bit of self control will begin your journey in this change. You start with every time you eat, do not eat the last bite. I’m telling you, if you can do this you will begin those little steps to a new you. Next step you leave two bites and so on.

Another way to this self control is to use a smaller plate and only eat what you put on that plate, leaving that last bite and so on. As well, to begin a diet and this self control thing I’m talking about, in your diet, you may have that slice of pizza, ya just can’t eat the whole damn thing. Go ahead and have some ice cream that you might crave, just don’t eat the whole box and only have one scoop. Yes, I’m giving you permission to eat some of those things so you don’t argue with yourself. It’s just all got to be in moderation.

I’m telling you that you can do this. I believe in you. Whatever Grandma is feeding you, eat it in moderation. See, Grandma comes from the old school, where food is comfort and a good women feeds her men. I know because that premise is deeply ingrained in me. When my sons come around, the very first thing I do, even unconsciously, is offer them something to eat. It’s what we do. That’s Grandma’s way of saying I love you. But she’s loved you so much, it shows, huh? Think about that, ok?

Little Steps

“Most of us want what we want when we want it and dammit we want it right now.”

Yes, I know you want out of this/your situation right this very minute. You may even be a bit peeved because we haven’t answered you until now. I do apologize for this as we are running behind, it is my fault. But you’ve come to this juncture, not over night and the journey out will and must begin will your own mindset.

I’d like you to begin to look into the resources which may be available to you. I’ve read your letter several times and what really reaches out to me is the part where you said;

“I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.“

This situation, whether you realize it or not, may be used to your advantage. See, any time you are admitted or evaluated for Mental Health, you are given, either a Case Manager and/or a Therapist, Psychoanalyst, Psychiatrist, etc., etc. Now, find out who they are and begin to use them and your situation to your advantage. It will be named, just for you, ” Using the System” to your advantage. Sometimes if we don’t fight the system and go with it, it is a productive and possibly helpful situation.

In your scenario, you’ve fought the system. You were sent there against your will and I’d be willing to bet you were down right pissed off because of your involvement with Mental Health. Why don’t you turn this around to become a positive experience. Contact your worker or therapist and tell them exactly what is going on. Ask them for help and let them know that it is not, your situation, conducive to your mental state of mind. After you’ve said this, they will have pretty much do what they can to help you or at least steer you in the right direction. To start; simply ask if there are any resources available.

If you can not do this and you insist on breaking the chain and must move right away, find out where the shelters are in the area you want to go to. Now, this may not be the most pleasant of situations, most shelters are not the best environment. The reason for going though is that when someone goes to a shelter, they open up a “case” for you. They will then try to help you relocate. There will be available resources for you in this situation, I do believe. Walking into welfare and asking for help, especially in a new state will not get you too far right away and I do believe you might get more help by going to the shelter.

If all this does not work, I most assuredly welcome you to write us again, state the existing problem and what you have done and we’ll take it from there.

I wish you only the very best…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

From Real Food For Real People

~The Cabbage Soup Diet~

The ABC’s of a Negative Foods Diet
Many years ago, my Dad shared a book with me by the Monk, who invented this diet. The man had been an overweight Scientist, before becoming a monk. In his research, he pooled all his knowledge about Metabolism, Calories and Negative Calories.

He came up with the

“Cabbage Soup Diet”. He warned the reader, that you would certainly lose weight in the first week but you could not continue to eat this soup, by itself. He had become malnourished, himself. He made it clear, that after the first week, you must eat a sensible diet and suggested, eating the soup before your lunch and dinner.

My Dad, Mom, Husband and I, all lost weight on this soup diet. But why?

This soup ingredients has a consistent negative calorie content. What is a negative calorie?

Definition of Negative calorie diet

Negative calorie diet: The Negative calorie diet is a weight loss concept based upon the premise that consumption of foods with a “negative caloric effect” (meaning that the calories burned by chewing, digesting, and eliminating the food are greater than those contained in the food itself) will lead to rapid weight loss of up to two pounds per day.

Negative calorie diet works from the starting point that body has to burn energy to digest food. If more calories are consumed burning the food than that is contained in the food, you get a negative calorie effect.

Here’s a list of negative foods;

Negative calorie list for vegetables

Asparagus	Fennel *
Aubergine *	Gourd *
Broccoli	Leek
Cabbage *	Lettuce *
Carrots	Marrow *
Cauliflower	Peppers
Celery *	Radish *
Chicory *	Spinach
Cress *	Tomato *
Cucumber *	Turnip

Negative Fruits

Apricot	Mandarin orange
Blackberry *	Melon Canteloupe *
Blackcurrant	Peaches
Clementines	Plums
Damsons	Raspberry *
Grapefruit	Rhubarb **
Guava *	Strawberry
Honeydew Melon	Tangerine
Lemon *	Watermelon

My Recipe

1 lg head Cabbage

2 lg cans Tomatoes

1 stalk Celery

3 lg Onions

1 bunch Carrots

2 lg Green Peppers

1 lg Red Pepper

3+ cloves Garlic chipped

*4 Chicken or Beef Boullion Cubes

In a large pot, fill up half way with water and boullion cubes. Bring to boil. Cut, chip, slice your veggies and bring to a boil. Begin to simmer until tender. Add salt and pepper or whatever spices you might enjoy. I like cracked pepper in mine. I also like a few *optional things to jazz it up such as *1 lg can white boneless breast and *Mushrooms or Spinach.

The Cabbage Soup is an all-you-can-eat-cabbage-soup diet which claims that the more cabbage soup you eat, the more weight you’ll lose. The diet’s so-called fat burning soup contains negligible calories so you don’t have to worry about gaining weight. The Cabbage Soup Diet states that by adhering to the Cabbage Soup Diet for 7 days will result in immediate weight loss.

How Does the Cabbage Soup Diet work?

On the Cabbage Soup Diet, individuals are encouraged to eat as much Cabbage soup and consume as much water as they want. Other foods are involved as well but their intake is severely restricted. The cabbage soup can be eaten as many times but it is not recommended that you eat soup only as it can result in malnourishment. Drinking 7-8 glasses of water a day is also recommended. The Cabbage Soup Diet’s 7-Day plan is easy to follow, however dieters are asked to consult their doctor before following this 7-day meal plan:
~~~

If you have a special occasion coming up, or you simply need to lose weight fast, the Cabbage Soup Diet may be just what you’re looking for.

Although not suitable for long-term weight loss, the Cabbage Soup Diet is a low-fat, high-fiber diet that will help you get into shape fast before you embark on a more moderate long-term eating plan.

Pros and Cons of the Cabbage Soup Diet

Pros: You’ll lose weight fast, and can get as much of the foods listed in the program as you want. Although the diet is only for seven days (and shouldn’t be adhered to for longer), it provides a great “kick-start” for a more moderate diet.

Cons: Some people find the soup bland. Some people have reported feeling light-headed, weak, and have suffered from decreased concentration (although some who have been affected in this way felt it was well worth it, since it was only for a week and they had lost considerable weight).

Personal Note: If you’re SERIOUS about losing weight, I would URGE you to check out a brand new concept I just found out about :

Fat Loss 4 Idiots

This diet actually works BETTER than the cabbage soup diet, and it allows you to lose 9 lbs every 11 days … while eating many of your favorite foods.

Sound impossible? I thought so too, until I tried the amazing new method known a “Calorie Shifting”, which actually “tricks” your body into burning fat.

Believe me when I say this will blow you away! Click here for more info …

What the Cabbage Soup Diet is NOT

The cabbage soup diet is sometimes referred to as the “Mayo Clinic Diet”, and the “Sacred Heart Hospital Diet”. Interestingly, this diet has nothing to do with either the Mayo Clinic, nor any Sacred Heart Hospital we know about.

The Problem With Most “Mainstream” Diets

Most diets – especially “mainstream” diets, and those recommended by major medical institutions – work slowly but surely, resulting in around 1 pound of weight loss per week.

This “slow and steady” way to lose weight is certainly healthy, but suffers from one significant drawback : most people get discouraged and quit whatever diet they are on if they don’t see results quickly.
~~~

Seven Keys to Success

1. Follow the diet religiously.
2. Drink at least 4 glasses of water per day
3. Keep in mind that it’s only seven days
4. Complement the diet with a good multivitamin tablet
5. Print the information on this site so you can refer to it daily
6. Eat plenty of soup – as much as you want! Do not try to starve yourself or you’ll probably cheat and break the diet
7. Try different spices to liven up the soup and add variety
~~~
Here’s other versions, I found online;

The Cabbage Soup Diet
Also called “The Dolly Parton diet,” for reasons that are shrouded in mystery, this 7-day diet really does work–in the short term, anyway. And there’s a great purity to it–especially in the summertime when it’s wonderfully refreshing served ice cold. Ingredient proportions can be varied according to your likes and dislikes. If you’re interested in recent studies on the efficacy of soup in diets, click HERE And please read to the end of the recipe where you’ll find testimony and great ideas regarding the diet from soupsong readers.

Okay, are you ready? Here we go:

* 1 head cabbage, shredded or chopped
* 2 large onions, chopped
* 16-28 ounces canned tomatoes, chopped
* 2 green peppers
* 4 stalks celery
* 1-2 packages Lipton onion soup mix, or any dry onion soup mix (optional)
* black pepper
* any fresh herb(s) of your choice, chopped
* 6 carrots, sliced
* 1/2 pound green beans, sliced on diagonal
* 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar (optional)

Put all vegetables in a big pot and cover with water. Bring to a boil, stir in the soup mix (if desired), and boil gently for 10 minutes. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer until all the vegetables are soft. Stir in the black pepper and chopped herbs (saving some for garnish).

Eat as much of the soup as you like, as often as you like. Drink as much water as you like and non-caloric drinks including coffee, tea, and herbal teas.

Here’s what else you can eat, and when:

DAY 1: All fruits except bananas.

DAY 2: All vegetables, raw or cooked. This includes baked potato with a LITTLE butter.

DAY 3: Fruits and vegetables, but no potatoes or bananas.

DAY 4: Bananas and skim milk–eat as many as 8 bananas and drink as many as 8 glasses of skim milk.

DAY 5: Beef, skinless chicken, and/or fish–as much as 20 ounces, total. You can also eat 6 tomatoes. And you must drink 8 glasses of water. Don’t forget at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 6: Beef, skinless chicken, or fish and vegetables. Drink 8 glasses of water and eat at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 7: Brown rice, vegetables, and unsweetened fruit juice.

~~~~~~~

Cabbage Soup Recipe

* 6 large green onions
* 2 green peppers
* 1 or 2 cans of tomatoes (diced or whole)
* 3 Carrots
* 1 Container (10 oz. or so) Mushrooms
* 1 bunch of celery
* half a head of cabbage
* 1 package Lipton soup mix
* 1 or 2 cubes of bouillon (optional)
* 1 48oz can V8 juice (optional)
* Season to taste with salt, pepper, parsley, curry, garlic powder, etc.

Directions:

Slice green onions, put in a pot and start to saute with cooking spray.

Cut green pepper stem end off and cut in half, take the seeds and membrane out. Cut the green-pepper into bite size pieces and add to pot.

Take the outer leafs layers off the cabbage, cut into bite size pieces, add to pot.

Clean carrots, cut into bite size pieces, and add to pot.

Slice mushrooms into thick slices, add to pot.

If you would like a spicy soup, add a small amount of curry or cayenne pepper now.

You can use beef or chicken bouillon cubes for seasonings. These have all the salt and flavors you will need.

Use about 12 cups of water (or 8 cups and the V8 juice), cover and put heat on low. Let soup cook for a long time – two hours works well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Labels: Cabbage Soup Diet, Lose Weight

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 1:13 PM

Labels: A New You, Changing Bad Habits, Choices, Dieting, Dieting Suggestions, Eating in Moderation, Failure in Dieting, Falling Off Your Diet, Opening Doors, Resilience

Way Behind

I hope you readers had a wonderful Holiday Season. We are rather backed up because of it as well as posting onto this site.

I welcome you to wander over to our Sister Site, the main page for Free Advice; Ask Aunt Babz

License To Breed

Dear Aunt B,

Hi Iʼm 18 and have just graduated high school and am proud to say that I went threw high school with out having sex but here’s the problem I have been with my boyfriend Doug for three years and I am truly in love with him. he is also a virgin and for a long time we talked about waiting till we got married to have sex but we have talked about it and feel that sex is a big part of a relationship that can unfortunately change the relationship in its self. being so young we know that we will have to deal with a lot when we do get married and want to explore as much as we can before we take the next step in are commitment to each other and tie the knot. but I am not stupid my mother was 15 and my father was 17 when I was born. my mother left when I was 3 so I was never able to hear her side of the story but my father has always been open about how hard it was for him to be a teenage parent. so thatʼs why Iʼm so confused these days. I brought up the fact that me and Doug would like to try and have sex but i didnʼt want to do it without birth control to my father he said he would call his insurance and see what we had to do and what doctors were open to me. that was about 6 months ago if not longer. unfortunate 3 days ago one thing lead to another and me and my boyfriend ended up having sex I do not regret it in anyway but now I am more then determent to get on it ( especially since I will be moving in with him soon) but now my father story has changed and he refuses to help me or allow me to use his insurance. with my boyfriend unemployed at the moment and my 7.75 an hour wages I cant afford to go to a doctor and want to avoid planed parent hood at all cost please help I am not sure what to do from here
as always

Vic/ Tory

Dear Vic/ Tory,

If you were sitting right here with me, right now, is exactly how I am going to write/talk to you, ok? I will tell you just like I would tell one of my own (which are many)kids, grandkids or even great grandkids, when they grow up. Capish?

First, I’ll tell ya how very proud I am that you waited and you waited to do this (share yourself with) with a guy you care deeply about. It’s very true, sex complicates things immensely in any and all relationships. We may not feel the consequences, repercussions or propensity for disaster that sex entails but every single time, you have sex with anybody, you are taking so many chances. It’s almost like playing the Lottery; will you win the guy, will you win a pregnancy, will you win a disease? Yada Yada Yada

I imagine you are aware of all these things as it does sound to me like you are very level-headed. I can also tell you are sweet spirited with a strong backbone and moral fiber. Good combo. I hope that you will always stick to your guns when you feel the need. Yes, you will be challenged but it seems to me that you are the type that pays attention and heeds the warnings, especially when it comes to learning from others mistakes. Not everybody has this, ya know. No, some of us dummies have to learn everything the hard way, i.e. myself.

Of course I’d heard if you sleep with a guy you can get pregnant. Did I think it would happen to me? No, I did not and had my first of three sons at the tender age of 16. Women have been getting prego and having babies since the dawn of time, yet I thought that only happens to those other stupid girls. What a dumb ass, huh? Although I’d never imagine my life w/o my boys, I can tell you first hand, it changed my life as well as theirs. Yes, having children not only alters your life but your body as well.

I hope you continue to pay close and careful attention to others’ mistakes. If you do, you just might have the charmed life I anticipate for you. Read This!

As I stated at the top of this post, I will tell it like it is, like you were one of my own; If you are woman enough to lay like a woman, you must also be woman enough to find the resources to facilitate your needs…

See, your Dad feels like he’s giving you the License to Breed, if he gives in and helps you with this birth control thing. Somehow I just know he has contemplated all this and feels he does not want to sanction your situation. It’s quite possible he feels that if he holds out, so might you? I know he can have misplaced and misunderstood emotions/behaviors/reasoning but he loves you like the sun. He’s a bit gruff and can be quite stubborn but he only has your best interest at heart. It’s actually quite hard for him to stomach the idea of some guy laying down with his baby no matter how hard he tries or how open minded he tries to be. Ya gotta love him…

I don’t know what your beef is with Planned Parenthood, although I have a good idea(and feel the same way). Your values and beliefs are very strong and I can appreciate it as well as honor it. Keep those “colors” flying high. However, I tend to think that you should bend just a bit and look at the good aspect of what they are doing; Preventive Medicine.

Preventive Medicine is a good thing. If they can stop even one unwanted pregnancy, I’m all for it. If they can prevent just one girl/woman having to make the choice of whether or not she’ll get that abortion, I’m all for it. I will say it loud and proud; I do not believe in Abortion. So, let’s do everything humanly possible, before hand to thwart and nix an unwanted pregnancy. Make’s sense, does it not?

So, if possible, embrace that last paragraph and get your butt up there before you find yourself asking Dad for two more things; can you get married or can he pay for you to go to the Obstetrician?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Silence is Golden But Duct Tape is Silver

Dear Aunt B,

My Boyfriend has a daughter -in- law that is very high strung, she is very on the defensive all the time, how can I better communicate with someone that is always on the defensive? She can be very combative!! it’s really her way I believe of being able to control those of us that are around her, so she thinks.

I had my first run in with her this past weekend, she was getting too involved with the cleaning lady we shared and it came out while she was being nasty to me that the cleaning lady was somewhat going back and forth with both of us. I had been pretty good friends with the cleaning lady and than when she began cleaning for the daughter n law I saw a difference in her.

The cleaning lady was going back and telling the daughter n law my personal bussines. since than My boyfriend and I ask the cleaning lady what was wrong? we fixed it and she is no longer with us.

I do feel very good about her leaving as we need our privacy. The daughter n law was using the cleaning lady to get info on me. I had a bad day one day as I was very stressed and I had a meltdown regarding paperwork, I couldnt find. The cleaning lady told her about my private upset…….The daughter-n- law never said a word until I by accident said something she didnt like,(It was not what i meant) and screamed at me, than decided to use the cleaning lady against me. I am glad she told me as I would never have known that the cleaning lady was not my friend. in other words the daughter-n-law would not have said a word so that she could get more info on our private life. How do I deal with this person?? any suggestions…Please understand I’m a good person I work with individuals with handicaps I am not a mean person. The daughter n and I are very different personalities, she is very stressful

Thank You,

Mel

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Dear Mel,

Although it does sound like you and your boyfriend’s daughter-in-law have different personalities (and I will get back to this), the encounter to which you are speaking of isn’t really one I personally would have based any feeling towards her on. Reason being, she was being told a misrepresentation of truths by a third party (your cleaning lady), and you are assuming that she was “keeping you in the dark” regarding what the lady was saying. Sometimes people tell other people things thinking that it is somehow making them more liked, but all it is doing is causing more venom and problems to occur. And sometimes, people don’t say anything because it is none of their business and are not close enough to you to tell you what’s going on. Which is the gist of what I think happened here. I don’t think that the daughter-in-law was deliberately soaking this cleaner for information. It sounds more like the cleaner wanted to stir the pot, and was talking smack about you.

The daughter-in-law does sound like she is being defensive (I say this because generally you do not get into gossip from a cleaning lady unless something is bothering you and you need to spill that info to make a point), but why do you think she feels this way? Have you or your boyfriend ever been even the slightest bit judgmental do you think? Or maybe it could do with something her husband is saying. Maybe the comment you made (but didn’t “mean” that way) is the reason she is so defensive. Only you would know the answer to those questions. But generally (and this is generally) people do not automatically talk in the defensive unless they have something they feel they need to defend. And when it comes to the in-laws (both ways) there are millions of people in that boat.

Talking with someone who is on the defensive does become difficult, because unless the “problem” is resolved you two will always be on separate sides of the field. Having said that, there are plenty of people out there who are in this situation exactly but still manage to be civil. Which I think is the course for you to take if you seriously cannot think of a single reason why she may feel like she needs to be defensive. Being civil and not talking about her behind her back would definitely be the way to go to try and rebuild on the relationship.

I do want to point out something a little ironic from your letter though. At the bottom you state that you are a good person who works with handicapped people. Has it never crossed your mind that this defense mechanism should be treated the same way as a handicap? Many psychologists spend countless hours writing theories on this, and I happen to agree with the theory that a personality trait or reflex on memory/situation is very similar to what we would call a handicap.

To a person with paraplegia their handicap is their legs because they cannot use them in the function that they were designed for. Well in this particular situation, the defensiveness is the handicap because she cannot use her trust and actual persona in the natural non-defensive function. Just think about that for a little while and approach situations with her the same as you would a handicapped person. That will probably be much easier on you and her in the future.

In any event, dealing with a loved one’s family should always be approached with care. And I hope that you can see that the situation you had (with the cleaning lady) is done now, and you also need to move past this. Hanging on to an idea (like that she was purposely infiltrating your home for information) will gnaw and ruin any hope of you repairing the relationship you have with the daughter-in-law. So you need to let go of that before you try to be civil and move forward.

I hope that this has been helpful, and that the two of you can sort things out at least so when you are in each others presence it doesn’t feel like you are walking into a war zone.

Good luck.

~Xmichra.

Hi Mel,

In my travels on this earth, I have come across every kind. I have also figured out that there are positive and negative people as well as the energy they bring to the table and our lives. Some call them, “Physic Vampires, ” a comical description of those that suck the very life force from us…if we allow it.

Silence is Golden But Duct Tape is Silver

Of course, the first thing I would tell you is to limit any interaction, wherever possible. I’m quite sure you’re not hanging around with this person anyway. But in the event you must interact with her, you must own the entire situation. If she begins her negativity do your damnedest to just fall silent. Body language speaks volumes. Just look at her like you’ve just placed a piece of duct tape over her mouth. This will be a rather comical situation, I guarantee it, (I’m laughing just thinking about it). Yes, it’s our very own lil secret.

Remember that in any and all situations, there is a huge difference between being Passive or Aggressive; You never want to be either. No, you must hone your craft of learning to be Assertive in all situations which merit it.

See, every daily interaction with someone of her caliber and you can bet your bippy that they are everywhere, often calls for an assertive stance. This is a self preservation technique/thinking process. You just don’t feed into it wherever possible. Fall silent, walk away and own the situation. Have it in your mind, that you will not tolerate the negative bulls***. You must remember that you don’t have to tolerate it. Now, this does not mean you need to be ignorant and always on the defense but I know for sure, it’s all about body language, innuendo and assertiveness.

It sounds to me like you’d have your hands full trying to change the boyfriend’s daughter-in-law. All you can really do is look out for yourself and own every single situation, interaction or conversation with this gal. Limit them, as I said but when and if you must, the very first time she lays out her string of negativity, you hold your hand up and simply state that you will not engage in her negativity trappings and walk away. Eventually, she’ll catch on that you just won’t and don’t need all the drama.

Carry lots of duct tape, lol!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz
free advice

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 3:47 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Assertive, Body Language, innuendo, Passive or Aggressive

The Matriarch

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hello I am a 36 year old married mom of four children….Three here on earth and one baby that I lost

last year due to a stillbirth. I took the loss very hard and still today very hurt and just plain refuse to

have peace until I hold another baby in my arms. Of course the new baby will not replace my beautiful girl

that i lost. I lost her at 6 months along in pregancy.

I am wondering if you have a feeling of when this might be? I have a couple of health problems that can

probally be fixed with my own help. Like losing weight.

I have had a couple of dreams that imply that i will be pregnant again but do not know what to do with the dreams.

I have had a few dreams in my life that lead me in a way but i have no guidance as to how to get there.

If you have any feelings on this it would help so much.

Sincerely
Tori from Tn.

Dear Tori from Tn.,

I pray before or as I write these answers. I pray for wisdom and words but let me make it clear to you that I do not nor will I ever claim to be a psychic. I do believe that God has given me the gift of Discernment and Intuition as well as an ability to put things in some sort of perspective. I write what I feel, what the “Small, Still Voice,” tells me. Other than that, well, I just want you to understand that I am not a psychic.

I’m sorry for your loss and pray for your timely healing. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you? They say that time heals all wounds but I can also imagine it’s rather hard for you to see or feel that right now? Again, I pray for your healing and understanding that all things happen for a reason and our God is a merciful God. He knows what He is doing and I pray that all will be revealed to you as you heal from your loss. I pray that you realize, as well, that your child is sitting beside Jesus, cozy and loved beyond understanding. You must stand on this faith, in order to embrace your loss. Selah

As I stated in the top of this post, I try to write what that small still voice tells me. My firm belief is that it is the Spirit of God. I realize now, post haste and in retrospect that a major portion of my life could have had an alternate ending had I listened to the Spirit. But I did not listen and I fell. I fell hard but am now able to look back and see that that gentle voice was there all along. You must listen for the answer too.

It is reiterated to me over and over, as I write this to tell you what I hear. I have been thinking about all this for a couple of days and it’s quite possible that I delayed answering you so I would find/hear an answer, as I do not take your question lightly. I feel your pain and I do not not presume to have an answer for you but merely suggestions…

Undivided Attention

Your days shall be filled with the joy your three children bring you. Your time and attention shall not be divided by another. These three will fulfill your expectations but there will be some struggle. Thus, you should not be taxed, your attention divided again and again. Your life will become redefined several times. It will not be easy along the way. Your energies will be tapped and health issues might drain you further. These three will need you and it will be because of you that they will become wonderful people. They may not be what the world calls or defines as success in a monetary aspect but they are and will be good, well rounded children, individuals who know they are loved. They will know the true meaning of love. They will have a complete sense of family.

You will be torn as to what is important in your life and what defines you, similar to what you are going through now. But it is these three which make your life worth living. Because you kept things in perspective, they will each, after their own journey, find a new found respect and adoration for you. With their maturity, they will begin to visit their own past with a fondness. They will not only love you but like you and enjoy your company. You will be The Matriarch…and when your days are numbered, you will be surrounded by many, many who think you are just the cats pajamas.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:03 AM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Childbirth, Discernment, Encouraging Words, Having Children, Intuition, Loss of a Child, Small Still Voice, Stillbirth, The Spirit

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

No One Is Better

Dear Aunt B,

So theres this girl in my grade, amanda, and she literaly gets all the guys. Shes not ugly, but shes not drop dead gorgeous, if you know what i mean. She has a few extra pounds. Shes always saying how shes so self concious, but she still gets all the guys. She is 14 and has had atleast 15 boyfriends in about 3 or 4 years. I know some of them dont really count, because it was in about 5th grade but still! I can’t stand her. There is this new guy in my grade who i think is wicked hot. And she is all over him. I’m so sick of it. It’s so old. And he like loves her! She has alot of classes with him and i dont have any. She talks to him on myspace all the time too. What can i do to get him to talk to me? And why are all the guys in my grade obsessed with amanda? -Sick of it

Hey Sick of It,

Well, you said that she’s had around 15 boyfriends in the past few years. And now you say that there’s a guy that you think is really hot, and he likes her. If history repeats itself, they probably won’t be together for too long. I can definitely see where you’d be sick of her always getting all the boys though. And I can definitely see where it’s frustrating that she has a lot of classes with him, and you don’t have any, but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about that.

To answer your questions, the first one, how can you get him to talk to you? Just talk to him. You don’t need to wait for him to come talk to you, or do something that will make him talk to you. You can go talk to him, see what he’s about. You can also go on MySpace or Facebook and talk to him. And if you don’t have either of those, talk to him on the phone, or email. As for your second question, they’re obsessed with her, well that’s guys. See a beautiful girl and talk to her. And you said she’s not drop dead gorgeous, but everybody has their own tastes. And maybe they all talk to her because she has a great personality. I understand where you might not see it, because all the guys are gaga over her, but to the guys, she could very well be fun to talk to and hang around.

Well, I hope I was able to answer you a little, give you a little advice, and really, all you have to do is talk to him. That’s the best I can tell you, get to know him between classes. I hope it works out for you!

Peace,

mb3

Dear Sick of It,

It all comes down to how you think and act, how you carry yourself. If you feel like crap and act like you feel like crap about yourself, crap you shall be. But if you look in the mirror, adjust how you feel and realize that no one and I mean no one is better than you, you’ll walk away a different person. You must always be real with yourself, improve what you can, work with what God gave you and treat others as you want them to treat you.

See, Amanda lives her life in an assertive manner. Assertive chicks get what they want. You must also become assertive. How bad do ya want it?

I would say that life and our perception of it is probably 90% fiction and 10% fact. It’s all in how we perceive other people and as well as, how they perceive us. If you carry yourself with confidence, a confident young woman you shall be. You must begin to empower yourself, your reality with an understanding that, as I stated before, no one is better than you. You must begin to exude this confidence, the kind of confidence that when you walk in the room, people notice. This comes from believing in yourself. So Aunt B, how do I “empower myself?”

You’ve lived this long, being you and who knows you better than you? So, only you can make these life changes and only you have the power to make it happen. It’s all a matter of how strongly you want it? You will not suffer for doing your homework and reading as many tags (keywords on my sidebar) concerning empowerment. I have 21 posts with the label “Empowerment,” 8 on empowerment advice and 19 on empowerment practices. Please read some of these and begin to redefine yourself.

I believe every word of what I write. As well, I once was a young woman with an awful sense of self-esteem. It took me years to figure out that no one was better than me. It took me years to understand that I am three people;

I am who you think I am,
I am who I think I am,
I am who I really am.

You may be whomever you choose to be. This is true even if you really felt ugly, not so bright, not the funniest person or whatever. It all depends on how you choose to carry yourself. You see that Amanda is not the prettiest thing to walk down the pike yet she’s able to get the guy. Why is that? It is because she believes in herself.

The secret is; Once you begin to see what it is that I’m talking about, once you begin to believe in it and are willing to set goals for your own self-esteem, well, G-Friend, you are gonna RULE!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 3:37 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: 10% fact, 90% fiction, empower yourself, Empowerment Advice

Fight Potion #7

Dear Aunt B,

There is this girl, Samantha, 2 grades below me and she seriously hates me. Okay so this is how it all started: I was going out with this guy named connor, and she liked him at the same time. I wasn’t obsessed with connor, but idk i guess i liked him. So she was determined to break us up. So she created this ridiculous and embarassing text message about me and showed it to him when she was hanging out with him and a bunch of people at the movies. Apparently he didn’t believe it because thats what he told me. Samantha is friends with my friends so i dont know what to so, like should i do something back? Should i ignore her? And apparently she wants to “fight” me. I dont fight because i dont think it solves anything i dont feel like being at war with this 12 year old. She has connections to some pretty scary people and i dont want to get involved with her. And her friend Chynna is going out with my best friend Nick. She also hates me, because she thinks i like Nick, which i dont. So there are two girls, again both younger than me that hate me and idk what they are going to do next, what should i do?

Hey There,

Oh no, she shouldn’t hate you! Hate’s not cool! Well, first thing, yeah, don’t fight her. Kids these days, and you said she’s got some scary connections, if you fight her, she’s going to bring her little clique with her and they’ll most likely jump in against you. And plus, she’s two grade’s younger than you, that’s not going to look good for you no matter what. And plus, like you said, fighting doesn’t really solve anything. Well, you said she’s 12, and two grades younger than you. So I’m guessing she’s in about 7th grade, and you’re in 9th?

IF you two go to the same school right now, and I don’t know that you do, but if you do, you two will likely be at different schools soon. But that’s in the long run, for now, there’s still quite a ways left in school. And, people forget things. And if/when it gets proven that she made up those text messages, and you say it doesn’t bother you, then she comes out to be the mean person in this. Of course she’ll deny it, but for one thing the pressure will be on her when people start asking her about it, and she’ll get caught up in one of her lies eventually. You see what I’m saying? And meanwhile, while she’s trying to explain to people why she lied, you won’t have any explaining to do about anything, because you never did anything wrong in the first place (ie starting rumors about her, fighting, etc;).

That’s another thing, don’t start rumors about her either. That doesn’t turn out well ever. And for the rumors that she started, I already said how people will forget about them. But also, as long as your good friends know the truth about you, it’s not as bad if the people that believe these rumors are people you don’t even know.

You’re not going out with Connor anymore right? Well, you can’t do anything about it, but she should really apologize, but it’s not like you can force her to. And plus, if you don’t even go out with him anymore, I don’t get why she would want to fight you still. I know that it’s frusterating that she created the rumor about you with her text message, but really there’s nothing much you can do about it. You said Samantha hates you, and that’s a life lesson kind of, because no matter what, not everybody’s going to like you, even if it’s just for the sake of not liking you.

There’s really nothing you can do about her creating that text, because she already created it. If/when somebody asks you about it, you tell the truth, and that’s that she made it up. It will pass over time though, I promise . And for your friend Nick and his girl Chynna; Unfortunatly she’ll bad mouth you to Nick, that’s inevitable.

But a couple different things this could work out good for you. One is that since you and Nick are best friends, she’ll bad mouth you enough to him that he’ll get sick of her talking bad about his best friend (you) and dump her, especially if you don’t constantly talk bad about her. And two is, well, he’s your best friend, so he shouldn’t ever turn on you and leave with her. As long as you and Nick know there’s nothing between you two, then you should be ok. And maybe just try to be cool with Chynna, talk to her, maybe you’ll get along.

Ok, the last thing you wrote was that you’re concerned about what they might do next. That’s tough because people are unpredictable. There is no reason for them to do anything. Especially Samantha, because you’re not with Conner anymore (right?). If you are afraid of what they’ll do, there’s no shame in going to your parents, and telling them that you’re a little frightened, the only problem there is if kids find out, then they’ll possibly give you a hard time. Which is unfortunate, but kids can be cruel.

I would suggest not trying to fight them or anything, don’t do anything that would give them a reason to want to do something to you. They’re a couple years younger than you so I’m thinking if you just try to ignore them, they might forget about you. Of course, not Chynna, since she thinks you like Nick. You are still entitled to hang out with him, because you are friends, but just try to avoid Chynna and Samantha, don’t look scared, but just avoid them. My only fear is you said they hang out with some dangerous people, and kids these days hang out with big groups and think they’re tough, so they gang up on people, and I don’t want them to gang up on you. My best advice is just to avoid them the best you can, and as long as your best friends know the truth, I wouldn’t worry about what a bunch of other people think.

Well, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you any better advice on the last part, and I’m really sorry that Samantha made up rumors about you, I really hope it all works out for you! I hope I was able to help you out, at least a little, and I wish you the best of luck! Peace.

mb3

Dear Friend,

I agree with mb3 on many levels. He has given you some great advice, the very best is to avoid them as much as possible, as well, as taking the stance that you as well as your BF’s know the truth and that’s all that really matters.

Nothing gets around better than word of mouth. This is true in big business advertising as well as personal matters. You start spreading the news that you are, “too mature to be reduced to fighting some girl.” See, by stating this, someone who still dwells on fighting will have to think to themselves, “Hey, am I acting maturely about this?”

I was a fighter in school. I never started them, only finished the fight. So, I know all about all the bull that goes along with some chick who goes around trying to solve her issues with fear. You just have to get the word out that “you have better things to do with your time than to fight some chick who is obviously bored with her life and must create chaos to jazz it up.“

Those exact words, must be used. They are my very own Fight Potion #7 and I can just about guarantee they’ll work as well as Love Potion #9

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 2:56 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: BF Business, In School Fighting, mb3, Teen Advice, Teen Issues, Teen Pressures, Teen Problems

Still Stickin’ To Your Guns!

This is an Updated and New question To Xmichra from the past post Stick To Your Guns

Hi Xmichra,

I never heard back from you…was hoping you would have some more insight and advice for me. Last time you were so right on the mark with your feedback. I went back and read your post every time I thought that I might weaken and not take action on leaving the relationship I was in. You were a lifesaver, I know that now. Since the time that I sent you my email on August 10th my ex was arrested for Grand Theft and the D.A. is charging her with the crime. It won’t heal the hurt she left behind but it will hold her accountable for her actions. She kept attempting to contact me after the restraining order was in place, but after I reported it several times and the police contacted her, it has been quiet for a while now. At times I struggle with not letting what happened eat me up, it’s hard to get over betrayal and lies, especially when I spent so many years in a relationship with her. I am grateful to be out of the relationship and to have my life back again, but none-the-less the process of healing is painful and slow. I know from your website that you’re not feeling well right now, but when you feel better I would love it if you had some follow up advice/insight you could share with me. If you’re really not up to it, I understand, then perhaps someone else at “Ask Aunt Babs” might want to help me out and share some insight with me.

Thanks so much,
“I Stuck to my Guns”

Dear “I stuck to my guns”

First, let me say how pleased I am that you are finally out of that relationship. I know that it has been really hard on you this past year, but from the tone of your most recent e-mail I really do feel as though you are on a better, healthier path (for reference you can read the first post here: http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2007/08/stick-to-your-guns.html ).

I was heartbroken reading the section about your stolen jewelry. I know how hard that must have been for you (having pieces from your mother be stolen like that) and you were right. You were in a state of grieving, and that made the loss that much harder to deal with. People sometimes forget that inanimate objects do hold memories, and when you thought that they were temporarily missing (from your ex taking them) you didn’t think that they would be gone forever. So seeing the pawn slips, in effect is much like seeing a death certificate. It is grounding and hard to take in. I am happy that you were able to recover one of those pieces though, sounds like the pawnbroker was a good man.

Second, I also would like to pat you on the back for involving the law. There are plenty of people who wouldn’t have, and I strongly believe that if you hadn’t things would be far worse for you. That constant feeling of being watched is not pleasant, and it is something that will not go away if you do not put consequences in the way. So I am very happy that you did what you have (in terms of restraining orders and pressing charges). Another piece of this is that if the charges to indeed stick, the police may be forced to look for your stolen property and issue warrants for receivership to the pawn shops your ex used to get those items back. Hopefully that is the way they will go with that issue.

You are going to go through a rough transition period (you know this already) because of the grieving and also because of the strain this relationship put on you. No matter if you have solved the problem; your head will like to play games with you. What I mean by this, is that you will find it hard to trust, hard to rely on people and hard to deal with what happened to you because this was a very bad thing to have happened. So with this, I am especially glad that you have sought out therapy, because these are issues that do not go away over time if they are left. These types of issues do fester and become worse if left to their own devices. Again, I am very glad you are seeking help on a professional level.

The process of healing is slow and can sometimes be painful. But please remember that you have endured the worst part – living the actual life of it. You have made your way through the thick of the mud, and you are clean from that now. You have a lot of life left to enjoy the things that you love, and the ability to love again. Hold on to those things, they are not small. In fact, it is pretty much the secret to life (if I may get all pearl of wisdom here!), being able to live and enjoy its pleasures. Trust me on this one, every single guru in this world will tell you the same (not that I am a guru of course, but you catch my meaning).

If I may add a little more advice here, and this is cautionary but not meant to be fearful. But if your ex isn’t in prison, you may want to invest in a security devise for your home and vehicle if you haven’t done so already. This is more for security sake, even though you are in a secure building. She has already proven her skill at getting around those things, and you just never know the extent of someone in her frame of mind. So if you haven’t already done this, I would advise it.

Another piece of advice I would give, is don’t be too hard on yourself. I know first hand how hard it can be after being in a relationship of lies and deception, to not blame yourself for not seeing the problem. But the truth of the matter is that some people are manipulators and no matter if you are the most genius person on the face of the planet, a good manipulator can manipulate you. Do not fault yourself for wanting to love someone. Do not fault yourself for wanting to trust someone. These are emotions that are good and meant to be shared. And you will find someone able to reciprocate them in a positive manor.

I hope that you are indeed doing and feeling better. And once again, I congratulate the courage it took to re-claim your life.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:50 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Updates

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Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Something To Think About; Bless This Child

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we had delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

“Bless This Child”

Bless this child who’s beaten daily, much more than he can take.

Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.

Bless this child who’s born of drugs, no habit of his own,

Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.

Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,

Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.

Bless this child born of pain, whose mother barely cares,

Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.

Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,

Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.

Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,

Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.

Bless this child who’s father’s gone, his love poured out in vain,

Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.

Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,

Bless this child you’ll never know, her story told too late.

Bless this child who’s sent to you, a present from above,

Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

Aunt Babz

May 8th, 2007 – Posted by askauntb1 | Childhood Issues, Think On, Prison, Criminal Behavior, Addiction, Alcoholism,

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 12:28 PM

Labels: Addiction, Alcoholism, Bless the Children, Having Children, Prison, Think On

Tough Love

Monday, September 8, 2008

Tough Love

Dear Aunt Babz,

My adult son and his girlfriend have new cars and several pets and have not worked in 3 months and now are on the verge of not having a place to live. they need money now should i give them some? i am on a fixed income and hardly able to make my own payments. should i try to find them money from someone else. they live in a different state so i don’t know anyone where they live.

Dear Friend,
I have mixed emotions on this just as you do. Our children own our hearts and it hurts us to see them suffer in any way, doesn’t it?

Two wrongs never make a right, do they? What I mean is this; If you give them money, you will also suffer the consequences of it all and they will not feel anything but a cushion from the experience. They might need to learn a few things here, such as living within their means. That means not having Champagne taste on a beer budget. They may need to learn that in a tight situation comes a point where you must lower your standards and do what you have to do to make ends meet. If that entails working at a job that is less than their own expectations, in example, working at McDonald’s when they’d rather work at a fine dining restaurant, then sometimes we just gotta do what we just gotta do.
Tough Love

I don’t know about you but I’ve had to learn all these things myself, often times, the hard way. As well, I had to work, “beneath my own standards,” to make ends meet and to care for my children as a single mother. My husband died when my kids were little. I really had no marketable skills although in my mind, I was valuable. But if you do not have that paper, you know the one that says you have a degree in this or that, without that paper, you are only valuable in your own mind. Until you prove otherwise. Actually, until you are given the opportunity to prove your value, you must often times start in an entry level job and work your way up the ladder.
Tough Love

I know that you hurt for them. I know that under no uncertain terms do you ever want them to suffer. But it is detrimental to their development to dig themselves out with nothing more than your gentle guidance. Possibly you could give them some ideas as to how to acquire the money themselves but don’t do it for them. No, they must walk through their own fire to become forged into productive and learned citizens.
Tough Love

Now, if it comes down to them being kicked out and the very worst case scenario is they have to go to a shelter, it won’t kill them. In fact it may spur them on to get out of that situation and to find a job doing whatever it takes to keep themselves in a home, food on the table and provide for their pets.
Tough Love

By you handing them money, you are delaying the inevitable;

I guaran damn tee you. Yes, it is a case of being between a rock and a hard place for you both. And the bare facts are that you can not give them enough money to put a dent in their situation. It will only pull you down as well. Possibly, you can relay that you will send them gas money to get to look for a job in their new cars but you can not do anything more than that.
Tough Love

It is not selfish on your part to not just hand them money, just in case you are toying with that emotion. It would actually be irresponsible for you to just send them money fully knowing that it’s only going to cause you to get behind on your own bills. You can’t save the world on a fixed income, now can you? You can however use this situation as a teaching tool, as well as to pray for them. Again, I suggest that you give them careful guidance and emotional support.
Tough Love

Speak to them and let it be known that you will ask some questions, simply to guide, not to indict or point the finger. Let it be known that you only want to help not hinder. Ask them why they have not been able to find a job in 3 months? Now, I don’t know the situation as to their qualifications and so on but they must look at what placed them in this precarious situation?
Tough Love

I assume that they both had jobs in order to obtain new cars, as well as have an apartment or home of their own right? What caused them to lose that job? What was the behavior that caused this onset of drastic measure? Even more importantly; what have they done to get themselves out of it, since they lost their jobs?
Tough Love

I have a firm belief that people that can’t find a job don’t want a job badly enough. I have a firm belief that if you want to work badly enough, you’ll find a way. I have a firm belief that as soon as a person realizes that help will not find them, they must seek it out and stop sitting on their laurels, in hopes that someone, maybe even you will come along and save them, nothing good will happen. In other words, poop or get off the pot, stop bitching and do something and especially, stop playing the victim.
Tough Love

See my friend, it’s called enabling if you just hand them money, especially when it is going to harm you in one way or another. Yes, you will both suffer for the action; they will not learn from it and you will only buffer things for a minute and you will get behind on your affairs. You will actually be doing more harm than good to/for both of you.
Tough Love

My advice to you is to speak with them concerning a game plan. You might possibly suggest that they both find a job, any job before it’s too late. You might suggest that they turn in their new cars and get an older one? You might suggest that they could move in with friends or family in their State until they find work. You could suggest calling the Salvation Army or Catholic Charities, in their area for possible resources available. There may not be too many if they are considered capable of working but they might steer them in the right direction. They might even contact their Department of Welfare for such things as emergency Food Stamps and so on.
Tough Love

That last paragraph is actually somewhat of a test. If they tell you, “Oh, we couldn’t possibly do any of those things,” then they surely have what I commonly refer to as a “Big Feeling Attitude,” a BFA. Their Pride will be there own demise. And they most assuredly need to look in the mirror, assess the situation and their lives, dig out and learn from it. Don’t cushion the fall; don’t enable bad behaviors but most of all “Let Go & Let God.” If you are a believer, pray fervently for their safe passage, doors to be opened and life lessons to be learned.
Tough Love

No, life doesn’t always deal the cards fairly, does it? Some of us struggle to make it in this world. And some of us have had nothing handed to us. But the very best of the best in this life have had to work hard for everything we have. We sure appreciate the little things as well and take nothing for granted. We came to realize that there is no such thing as a hand out or free lunch. We came to understand that other than God, we are absolutely alone in this world and must fend for ourselves. And just to put it into perspective…what if you were no longer with us, what would they do?

Here, let me answer that for you; they would go out, one or both of them, find the first job they could whether it felt a bit demeaning or not, work hard for that paycheck that will come within two weeks and pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. They would also appreciate that money and begin to live within their means. Yes, it’s some hardcore tough love to the 9th power but when the day comes that you are looking down from the heavens, you will know that your son was taught well and will be alright. He’ll then pass on these good values and beliefs to your Grandchildren and all will be well.

With age comes wisdom, does it not? I will pray for your calm assurance.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:22 AM

Labels: BFA, Big Feeling Attitude, Catholic Charities, Pride, Salvation Army, Tough Love

Ego Whip

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Ego Whip

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have a girlfriend that I’ve been friend with for over 5 years. During our friendship, I’ve acted like a mentor as she was trying to break in a field that I was already in. I was there to give her advice and help for just about everything she needed..

Her daughter, which she had at 14, is getting married. And before I embarked on my professional career, I had a floral design business. When she informed me that she and her family were going to prepare the flowers because she could not afford to hire a designer. I offered to do the flowers for her. She showed me some pictures of what she wanted and I told her that I would go ahead and complete the both the wedding and reception so she could spend time with her daughter during her wedding day.

Yesterday, I went to visit her and found out that she had taken up running. I knew I hadn’t gotten her anything for her birthday, so I asked her to go with me to the running store so I could look at a few things. Instead of me trying on things, I tricked her into trying on some shoes, which I bought as a gift.

Today, my friend informed me that she took the shoes back and that she was sending me a gift certificate for the return of the shoes. She told me that she was very angry that I had insisted on getting her the shoes because she didn’t want them. She told me that while she didn’t think I was doing anything bad, she just didn’t want the shoes.

Then she informed me that she decided that she didn’t want me to do the flowers because she no longer trusts me. She told me that her daughter’s wedding is important to her and that she doesn’t trust that I will do what she says. I told her that I would only do what she requested and go by the pictures she provided. She informed me that she did not trust me and that she would not want me to do any of the flowers because I purchased the shoes for her birthday against her wishes.

I was very hurt by this. I feel embarrassed and I don’t even want to go to the wedding. How should I take this. How can someone say they are my friend, but at the same time tell you they don’t trust you. When I asked if there was anything I had ever done in the past to make her feel like this, she told me no. I’m not sure what to make of this! Please help!

Marie

~ Pride is an admission of weakness; it secretly fears all competition and dreads all rivals. ~

Fulton J. Sheen

Dear Marie,

Well my friend, you’ve just been hit with an Ego Whip. Not very pleasant, I must say but it is the weapon of choice in retaliation for a bruised ego. Yes, it stings like hell, doesn’t it?

It’s a damn shame because you and I both know you meant absolutely no harm but I’m afraid there’s no turning back from this one. Unfortunately, I can’t find any resolve here. I’d thought that maybe writing her a letter or sending a card might do the trick. But what would you say? I mean, you could apologize till you turn blue. You could assure her that by no means would you ever vary from the formula she’s got in mind concerning the flowers. Hell, you could even offer her the opportunity to watch you do it. None of this or any other excuse or manner of application is gonna do here.

What has happened here has nothing to do with you, you personally, nor does it really have anything to do with trust or her concerns that you might not do her flowers as specified.

What has happened and I rely on my good ol’ Intuitions to guide me here; you bruised her ego with your gift.

Now, it may seem harmless and given out of the goodness of your heart. But you pushed the wrong button and you’ve crossed a boundary, an invisible one but a line non the less, that she’s had drawn and up for many years.

She’ll never in a million years admit it but when you snuck the sneakers to her, she felt a bit of shame, a feeling of pity on your part. She’s the kinda gal that you know accepts no handout from anyone in any way shape or form. No commiserate gesture will every sit well with her. Yep, it’s a clear cut case of pride.

This is not the first time she’s felt this way concerning you. Quite often because you have a giving spirit whether it be advice or in your role as her mentor, you’ve stepped on her toes. This is not by any means mentioned to make you feel bad, that is not my intention but all this was the last straw for her and I don’t believe there’s any turning back.

Let me make it real clear to you that this is not your fault nor is it your problem. No, you keep on keepin’ on, never vary from the good and kind person that you are. This is her issue and not a nice scenario at that. Pride is and can be her downfall. Eventually, I hope she will see that her pride has caused such strife and at the very least, she has lost one of the best friends she’ll ever have.

Marie, I really have no answer here except to assure you that you did nothing wrong. Furthermore, I think you should dust yourself off, ruffle your tail feathers, apply a fresh application of lipstick and continue to smile. Let this be a life lesson that I do hope you’ll soon recover from. Leave the door to your heart open as there’s someone who’s coming along that could really use a true blue, warm and giving friend. This new friend went to Kindergarten and learned early on about giving and sharing, receiving and the joy of friendship.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:34 PM

Labels: Bruised Ego, Ego Whip, emotional boundaries, Pride

Only Temporary

I apologize for any inconvenience but Aunt Babz and Staff are closed temporarily to any new questions.

At this juncture, I have 7 letters to catch up on. Please be patient and I thank you for understanding.

Look for us to be up and running again real soon.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

You Have to Kiss a Few Frogs

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

You Have to Kiss A Few Frogs

Dear Aunt B,

I came across your site and i think your advice is really clever and helpful so i decided to write.I am almost 25 and I’ve never had a relationship.I met guys at college but they were only after a quick one and nothing else.I rejected them at the time thinking that that is how college guys function and i didn’t really mind.I graduated from college in November 2006 and came back to my hometown.I thought that things would be different.Wrong!It’s really hard to meet new people here.Only two guys,who i met by mutual friends,flirted with me:one was,as i later found out,interested in my money(i am not rich,i just have a steady job and he doesn’t) and the other one wanted sex and he already has a girlfriend.I don’t know what to do,i feel that i”ll never meet a decent guy.A friend of mine suggested that i move to a bigger city (she did that after grad)as our town is a bit trashy.She has met lots of people and she’s having a great time.I don’t know what to do.
Dear Reader,

First off, I wanted to comment on your good taste, in choosing our site, lol! We appreciate any good constructive criticism and compliments so I do thank you from the entire staff here at Aunt B’s. We really do try to counsel as if you were family, sitting across from us having coffee like two good friends. It works somehow?!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program…

I’m not sure I have a real or definite answer for you but it is my observation that guys are similar everywhere you go; you have your good and your bad apples in every barrel across the U.S. and I’m sure, abroad. You have to be aware that there are some good ones out there and he’s sitting there wondering where you are, as well. I see him. You just must be wary and do not be discouraged.

See, guys are hardwired differently than us. The bad ones don’t want a real relationship, are out to get as much booty call time in, as is humanly possible, you know, love ‘em and leave ‘em. The good guys must fend off the typical male ego stuff and be for real and that’s exactly what it is, being a real man doing only what they want done to themselves. In example, a guy who sleeps with anything that’s not pinned down is considered “one heck of a guy” and might even be envied by his male buddies. If a woman does the same thing, she’s a slut. Am I right or am I right? Yes, the world is full of double standards and that’s just one of them but you get the point.

A “Real Man” lives by the creed of doing to others as he would have done to him, as I mentioned and often do in these posts. He isn’t afraid to be sensitive and let you know when you’ve hurt him or equally when you’ve pleased him. Quite often, he’s not concerned with what his male counterparts think of him. He’s not full of false bravado and doesn’t feel the need to prove he’s a man. He’s appreciative of women and simply stated, he understands that it takes two to tango, he can’t make the world go round without them and respects a woman as his equal. Yes, he realizes there are physical differences and he’s rather appreciative of those differences. He also knows for certain that behind every great man is a damn good woman.

Having said all that, even in a place called Sugar Grove, Pa., the “Sweetest Lil Town on the Map,” with it’s population of 613 as of the year 2000, (I happened to have lived there in the 70’s), there’s going to be a few good and real men. Don’t be hasty and realize that you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince.

So you become proactive in your search. Maybe look on the Internet, at some of the dating sites for guys in your area. A word to the wise; If you look in a bar for Mr. Right, you’ll more often than not find a Mr. Wrong/Alcoholic/Pick-Up Artist/Booty Caller/Playa/Pimp Daddy/Beer Muscled/Meat Head.

You must look at this just as you would, a life study or even a job interview. What I mean is, let’s say, you’re applying for a job as a construction worker. You wouldn’t wear a suit and tie for that interview. No, most likely, you’d dress the part wearing jeans, T-Shirt, steel toed boots and maybe even a tool belt. If you want a job as a nurse or aide, even if it’s not an actually nursing uniform or scrubs, it’d be smart to wear white. Why? Because the employer can now envision you in the job, in the role and they can see it and you in that role. Don’t ask me why or how this works but it does.

Similarly, think about what kind of guy, personality wise, hobby wise and so on that you would like to date and hopefully become serious with. What sort of man is he? I mean, delve into your own persona and look deep within yourself. In your mind, shop for Mr. Right, actually see him, in your mind. You know, is he smart, is he thin or muscular, does he have dark hair etc. etc.? Then, ask yourself, where is he? Where does he go on Friday or Saturday night? Maybe he goes to Church on Sunday morn?

You will find him, at the right place and the right time, you need only to ask these questions and put up your radar. Yes, if you do want a guy who goes out with his buddies on Friday night with the agenda of picking up chicks, who cares what your name is, then by all means, go to the bar or club and he’ll be there. However, if you want a guy who enjoys spending a quiet night, watching a good flick, eating popcorn, you just might find him at Blockbuster or your neighborhood video store. (Hint Hint)

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*Sugar Grove, Pa **Freecycle

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 12:16 PM

Labels: Blockbuster, Real Man

Your Life

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Your Life

Editors Note; This is one of the most painful posts I’ve had to deal with, up and to this point. This is an updated situation that was first addressed several months ago. You may read the initial post, “You Hold the Key,” to fully understand the ramifications of this powerful and perplexing question.

Dear Aunt B,

Do you remember me? If you don’t, I guess I could just refresh your memory a little bit. A little under a year ago, I think, I emailed you because I had problems with my father and I was taken away. I need a little more advice, if you don’t mind helping me again.

My new foster parents said I could visit my mother because she is on her medication. I really do want to see her, but I am extremely nervous about it. My mom had an accident where she fell and had some brain damage, so some of her memory is gone, which means that she doesn’t really remember anything about the way my father has treated us both recently. I know she really loved my father, and that fact that she doesn’t remember anything doesn’t really help me much. Because she loved him so much, I have a feeling in my gut that she wouldn’t believe me if I told her what he has done. How could I explain to her why I can’t live with her anymore, and why my father is in jail? Is there any way to do this without completely crushing her and putting her into another spiral of depression, or without coming to completely hating me for what I did?

I am sort of getting the feeling like I tore my family apart, and to my mom, for no reason at all. With my mom’s loss of memory its almost like a completely new slate, and I would love if the thought my father’s actions did not have to be in my mom’s head, but I just don’t know what to do at this point. Can you help me at all?

Dear Friend,

This whole thing has broken my heart from day one. I have prayed that you will find happiness, understanding and ultimately, forgive your father for what he has done. That is a tall order, for what he did to you was beyond any reasonable persons ability to forgive. As well, I am more than happy that you were able to get out of that situation.

But my Dear, you are a very special girl, I just know this and your heart is huge. You may suffer for this, all the days of your life but you are one of the “good people,” the few, the proud, left walking this earth. That sounds rough, huh? Don’t ever change that, ok? Another tall order.

I also pray that you have been able to get into counseling? All that you have been through, you need to work through it all, sift through the ashes and begin to build yourself back up again. I strongly suggest that you seek counseling, if you have not, up to this point. You’ve gone through so much at such a tender age and I would love to know that you did not have to go through all this alone. Now, if you have not asked for some form/sort of counseling, I really suggest that you insist upon it.

This is a rather complex situation with twists and turns, bumps and mountains. I have every confidence in you, that you will climb and stand at the top of this mountain of pain. You are stronger than you even realize. As well, you have the heart of a giant, the soul of an Angel and the personality of a cool summer breeze. I would simply ask that you use all the resources available to keep that intact. Yes, a woman is only as good as her tools so you must use your tools. In counseling, you’ll possibly learn coping skills and attain a strategy to enable you to put all this painful stuff behind you.

I am holding your hand through this. You’ve walked through the fire, a fire I know all too well. The wonderful thing about this is the fact that you made it through that fire, forged into a young woman, tempered as gold is tempered. Mark my words, you will be a better woman for all this and all things happen for a reason. If you remember this, you can move on to the next Chapter, in this book;
Your Life.

My concern, at this juncture is, and I hate to repeat myself, but are receiving counseling? No, you don’t have to be crazy to go for counseling, a woman is only as good as her tools, right? You must use every available resource/tool to help you in this life, your life. What you have gone through, in these few years, in your young life, is absolutely horrific. I am more than sorry that you had to go through all this and it pains me to know that you might be scarred by it all.
*Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. Let go and let God deal with your father.

I’d told you before that you are the key, you have the key and you must use that key. You still possess that key. It is emblazoned on your heart. You must use it to let go, let God and forgive, just for starters.

Forgiveness is a huge word, isn’t it?

Forgiveness;

The act or an instance of forgiving: absolution, amnesty, condonation, excuse, pardon, remission. Seeforgiveness/vindictiveness.

To forgive someone is to forswear resentment, anger, or other reactions to their having done something that justifies such responses. The philosophical problem is that this is apparently treating them better than they deserve; but how can it be a requirement, or even be permissible, to treat someone in any other way than as they deserve? The advice of Augustine, that we hate the sin but not the sinner also suggests an objective or impersonal attitude towards the sinner, as if the character of the agent is only accidentally connected with the hatefulness of his or her actions, and it has been argued, notably by Strawson, that this objective stance is inconsistent with full recognition of the personhood of others.

Yes, it’s not easy but I believe you’ve already begun the journey down this path. Some people might even question me telling you this and even ask the question;

“How can she forgive her father for what he has done to her?”

We must always treat others as we would want to be treated. What your father did to you is and was reprehensible and just about unforgivable. I’m sorry to say but I don’t give two s**ts in hell about your father. But I do care about you and your welfare, your healing and your rise above all this.

My suggestion to you is two fold;

I would ask you to seek counseling and bring up these issues, especially concerning how to deal with your Mother. I would also suggest that you speak to whomever it is that your Mother is in counseling with and seek their opinion as to how to proceed. It’s a bit much for you to have to deal with all you’ve gone through and still have to worry about hurting your Mom. She must be in the care of a Physician, right? So, I think it would be wise of you to speak with them and quite possibly they can help you deal with this issue in a treatment setting?

Most of all, I wish that you would not be strapped with all this guilt, you wear so passionately. None of this is your fault. Read that again; None of this is your fault! You should have never been subjected to what you were put through. Your father will one day answer for his behavior and I dare say, I would not want to be in his shoes.

Please hear me and ask your Foster Parents to get you into some form of treatment. You’ve been through far too much to bear the brunt of all this alone. If for some reason you feel you can’t ask them, then I suggest that you go to your school Guidance Counselor. They will steer you in the right direction and it is their job to take note of a situation.

I am not passing the buck, as they say, when it comes to answering your question. I simply do not feel you should go through this alone. Many of us have suffered through molestation, rape and abuse. You are not alone, in that respect but you do have to live within your own skin and I want you to like you. Right now, I think, just simply gathered from your words alone, that you don’t care too much for yourself. You carry a tremendous amount of guilt around, guilt that you should not wear.

Guilt, much like anger, will eat you up inside. It can and will affect you the rest of your life, unless…you work through it, look at it and see that it does not serve you. You must see that it does not look good on you, you don’t wear it well and it is choking you. Do whatever it takes to get it off you, throw it away, burn it.

Be good to yourself, please? I have the feeling that your pain, what you’ve gone through will help others, in the end. So, take what you’ve gone through, work through any anger, pain, guilt, shame and tame it all. Allow it all to empower you, to make you stronger. Own it before it owns you, ok?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*”Vengeance is mine saith the Lord!”

“for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

God did not say vengeance is ours. He said vengence is His. If we want to be on the receiving end of God’s blessings and favors, we have to truly understand what it means to give it completely over to the Lord.

“Do not say I’ll pay you back for this wrong! Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you.” Proverbs 20:22

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:57 AM

Labels: anger, Family Molestation, Father-Daughter Molestation, guilt, Incest, pain, Rape, shame, taming the shame

Call of the Wild

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Call of the Wild

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi there Ali here, I have recently been dumped by my boyfriend of 6 months although 6 months isnt long the minute we met we had a strong bond and soon fell in love. He grew up in my new home and his uncle is an old friend so everything seemed like fate. I’m sure he loves me but he hasnt given a reason just dumped me totally out the blue. We were so happy im heartbroken as I think he’s my true love i’m 25 and he’s 19 so everyone is saying its his age. But you cant fake feelings like he showed for me. I’ve been through so much in my life I cant see how to get through this he’s being so awful and totally shutting me out. I just dont no what to do.

Dear Ali, I imagine right now, you’re feeling pretty rough? I’m not sure if I have an absolute answer for you except to say that if it was fate which threw you two together, it’ll be fate to bring him back?

I do think age has something to do with it, in fact it’s probably everything to do with it. But I don’t mean in the respect that the age difference between the two of you, is a factor. I happen to believe that love is love no matter what the age and since there are so many aspects of love, so many facets, the variables are always, not age but the degree of that love. Love comes in many shapes and sizes and you can never ever put a set of rules, per say or have a stance that age is a factor as to why it works and doesn’t work. Love only works if you work it, whether you are the same age of 20 years apart.

I do however feel, that this fella is still young enough that he doesn’t know what he wants. On one hand, there’s that side of him that was head over heels in love with you. Then, the testosterone took over and off he went. This is a natural course for some males, a need to sew thy seed, experience all that life has to offer and not commit. Some of that is a lack of maturity, some is to be true to oneself and as well, a possibility that he might be afraid of his feelings, afraid to commit. My youngest son, Wam, was just this way. He went around, falling in love, breaking hearts and yes, sewing his seeds, feeling his oats. He’s now 26, wants to settle down but still hears the “Call of the Wild” and is extremely fearful (although he’d never admit it) of commitment.

Somehow, I feel it is exactly that, the Call of the Wild. There’s a good possibility that he did and does love you but has trepidation concerning a commitment. He may have run because of this fear. I’m gonna say it, I think he’s afraid of his strong feelings. Now, I don’t want to get your hopes up, or give you a false sense of that hope. Where fate, which I prefer to call destiny, placed you two together, destiny will also prevail, one way or another.

I do also believe in the power of prayer. If you do, I suggest you get to praying for one of two things; that you’ll find love elsewhere and you’ll be comforted and heal or this guy will have his heart warmed, you on his mind, every minute. You ask your Higher Power for direction and wisdom. These very words are part of that destiny too, did you know this? Yes, all things happen for a reason, even you writing to me and my response to you.

Knowing that all things happen for a reason, begin to look for the reason and the answer will be there.Life is a series of tests, riddles if you were and learning experiences. Knowing this, simplifies things, now doesn’t it? So, what is it you are to learn from this? Only you may answer that riddle?

In conclusion, I have to tell you my gut feelings. I must. I have the sneaking suspicion that you need to pull the band-aid off and let go. I would love nothing more than for you to write me and tell me I was so very wrong. But I must be honest. I do not negate your feelings, your love for this guy. As well, I recognize that, in fact, he does love you as well or rather, has a love for you. But, Ali, my instincts, my Intuitions tell me that it is not to be.

If per chance, I am right, I would suggest that you get busy, get back into business, jump back into life and ready yourself for the guy I see you with. When you least expect it, he will come round the corner and mesmerize you. He’s not the best looking guy to come down the Pike and you won’t notice him at first. But he’s an honest soul, the kinda guy you can curl up with on a stormy night. He has a bit of temper but will not show it to you, not really. He’s also the kind of guy who lives to make you smile and passionately loves to make you laugh. I won’t bore you with all that I see but suffice it to say, I see you smiling and happy, in love really for the first time.

Be encouraged. I hope you can recover quickly from this and will look forward to the day you write me and tell me all about it.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Keeping It Real

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:18 PM

Labels: Breaking Up, Degrees of Love, Divine Destiny, Encouraging Words, Love and Laughter

Reality Check???

Want to read current, up to date questions and answers from Aunt Babz? Just click the button…

Strange Perception

Hey Aunt B,

Well to make it short…My exboyfriend was doing really good…He went from nothing…to Having a good job, going to school and finally his car…He is the type of person who lies at anyones expense..he can use people..and overall he can be self fish and not care about nothing else..not even his family..he is going on 22 and I feel he will never get it..He is falling into really bad stuff..right now he no longer lives at home and is running out of money…just last week I think he robbed his own job….and now they know its him…so he quit..he has not paid his car note…so I feel like he is headed in the wrong direction..I know he has deep feelings for me…and I thought that I could make him see things differently…I want him to realize what situations he is putting himself in….I want him to THINK!!!! I have tried, and tried and tried talking to him all sorts of ways…and no results. He is still the same person…but lately its just getting worst…he is doing worst..and im sooooo scared and worried for him…I don’t want him to end up dead or in prison….What do I do??? Do I just give up on him? Because im also hurting myself in a way…should I just leave him alone…I feel that If I leave he will have NO One…but im tired of feeling disappointed by him…should I just give up and let him live his life the way he wants to?

Thanks

LLadira

Dear Lladira,

This is a difficult situation for sure. On the one hand you feel like you should “stand by your man” because you love him. But on the other you know that he is walking a dangerous road.

I can’t tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would leave. Honestly you cannot run the risk of being implicated in his shady dealings, and if he is really that much of a liar… well I just don’t think that I would be able to trust him not sinking me too.

This guy needs a reality check that you cannot provide for him. And he will slide down into some serious trouble right away. Stealing from your employer and being under suspicion for it doesn’t go away because you have quit. In fact it makes it compellingly obvious that you did something wrong. So you can pretty much bank on his employer following up on that.

There is a strange perception that someone who lies or steals from their employer, that doesn’t mean that they would do so from you. But in my experience it is actually very much the opposite. A person, who has no regard for their employer, when the employer has invested in you and has given you an opportunity, is a person who has a mix of morality. What makes it right to steal from someone who has given you something so beneficial? It isn’t right, and he knows it. And in that frame of mind, a person like that could steal from a person they loved.

This guy will be going through a really tough road, and you leaving will not make that any easier. But you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. You have done nothing wrong, and you shouldn’t be punished for that. And I think you will be if you stay.

Best thing I could suggest is to make sure he has a list of people or resources that could help him to fix what he has done. And maybe once he has made good on his trespasses then you can maybe have a friendship and maybe a relationship again. But until that happens you need to worry about yourself and how much trouble this can land you in.

I hope you do well with what ever you choose, and if you need help finding resources for your boyfriend or for yourself, don’t hesitate to ask.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra~

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

I Will Be Gone

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.
(Did you notice the rhyme? hehehe)
♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·’ ¤~ {“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Moving Time; Delays

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

Yes, traffic is a bit backed up and we will get to your letters ASAP!

(Did you notice the rhyme? hehehe)

♥´¨)

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)

(¸.·´ (¸.·’ ¤~ {“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

I Will Be Gone

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·’ ¤~ {“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

I Will Be Gone

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·’ ¤~ {“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

What Defines You??

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have been married for 1½ years. My husband and I both have ex’s and

children from those relationships. We have a 6-month-old baby.

My husbands’ ex-wife recently relocated 45 miles away from our home. They could not agree on parenting time and school district so they went to court, the judge ordered for the ex-wife to keep the kids for school and my husband would have them for the summer, this decreased his parenting time from 182 days to 120 days/year. He is devastated by this change and cannot live with it. I recently found out that he has been looking for a place to rent in the city where his kids were relocated. I asked him about it and he said that I wouldn’t go with him anyway because my kids are here with us. I agreed that I would not want to leave my children but that he was not losing his kids completely; he still has them on the weekends during the school year and all school breaks, including the summer. I tried to tell him if that were me in the same situation I would appeal the decision, but I would continue to stay home because they are not really that far away and we both work in the city of relocation and could see them any day. Neither of us know what to do from this point, I am extremely hurt that he would just up and leave his new family over this. Any advice would be awesome!

Dear Reader,

Good grief do I feel for you. I mean anything you say will look like you are being selfish and not understanding. But I do not believe this is how it is I do think you care and as well you are looking at things from all angles.

I mean I don’t have the entire story but enough to deduce that Dad is extremely caring. In this day and age that is not rare but you see so many dead beat Dad’s, now don’t we? So, it is a breath of fresh air, when you hear of a Dad that would go to such great lengths. But is he really thinking this through?

This whole situation is not a win/win one, now is it? The best you can hope for is some form of compromise and fresh perspective. I do give Dad credit for his purpose and drive to be or have more time with his children. As well, I can completely understand your questions concerning that drive?

I would hope you could somehow share this letter with him. There’s no harm here as I do not know you nor will I ever, right? It’s not airing your dirty laundry to a girlfriend or co-worker in fact this is safer. You are simply asking for opinion. Maybe even a fresh pair of eyes and ears right?

It all comes down to the power of deducement on “our” parts. I have a few questions and a few observations to offer…

Dad,

A few simply questions; I would ask you, if your motive for going way out in left field and possibly renting an apartment is only and solely so you may spend more time with your children?

For lack of a better way or more diplomatic way of asking this, are you pissed because your ex wife was awarded what appears to be more actual custody

Dear Erica,

Wow. I don’t know how to answer this one. I mean, on the one hand it seems like a no brainer, he made his choices (separating from his ex, marrying you and having another child… so this I would qualify as “moving on”) so he should live with his choices and like you said, appeal.

But on the other hand… those are his kids. And as sure as you are about not wanting to move away from your children, even if you could make a day trip… he is reacting the same way.

So it’s hard to actually find what the best solution would be. Especially since so many people have less sympathy for the father in these cases… and because there are other elements involved.

So instead of spouting off what I think would be the best thing (which I couldn’t do anyways) I think I will ask you this: what do you think will happen if he stays and doesn’t move? You said that he is devastated and cannot live with the decision that was made. Maybe this looking for an apartment thing is somewhat like temporary insanity, where he is looking at just being closer to his kids at any cost without really looking at the bigger picture. Maybe he didn’t think that the picture would involve his kids moving away from him. Maybe he thought that his moving on wouldn’t affect his life that much because his kids would still be near him. And maybe he is ready to snap.

Is there no way that you and your kids could move to the city as well? You didn’t mention your custody situation so I thought that I would ask. But maybe that would be the solution you need, since it keeps all the family together.

I don’t think that he is thinking clearly though. I know that you referenced yourself as the new family… but that is also pretty unfair. Both to you and him. His children are still his children regardless of who he is partnered with. And you aren’t the new wife, you are his wife and partner and that deems more respect then a title of new.

Honestly I think you need to seek out a therapist to help you through this. You are hurt (and rightfully so) but so is he. And sometimes when it comes to our kids we do crazy things and go to crazy lengths to be with them. And maybe it won’t work out. But if you want a shot at it you both need to talk about it and to both make compromises. After all, if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak, could you do the same?

I hope that there is a solution for you two and everyone involved. And I hope babs maybe can answer a little better!!

Take care, and I hope things work out for you.

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

I will Be Gone

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·’ ¤~ {“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

I Will Be Gone…

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Signs of Stroke

Rather Informative!

Signs of a Stroke

My really good friend Chuck, sent me this. I think it’s worth sharing!

STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters…. S.T.R.

My good friend sent this and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree.

If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks. Seriously.

Please read:

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall – she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) …..she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.

Ingrid’s husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital – (at 6:00 p.m. Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don’t die…. they end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.

It only takes a minute to read this…
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke… totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the “3″ steps, STR .

Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke .
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S * Ask the individual to SMILE.
T * Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(i.e. It is sunny out today)
R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS. If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke ——– Stick out Your Tongue

NOTE: Another ’sign’ of a stroke is this: Ask the person to ’stick’ out his tongue.. If the tongue is ‘crooked’, if it goes to one side or the other , that is also an indication of a stroke.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 8:27 AM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: S.T.R., Signs of Stroke

Mistaken Blame

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Mistaken Blame

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am in bad need of some advice to solve a problem I am having;

My husband took some money from one of our dear friends for an investment in a home. Our friend was hesitant but my husband convinced them. Needless to say the investment is still working and our friend has wanted out for some time now. He said he will for go any profit and just wants the initial money he put in and they have had some profit. My husband has taken a majority of the profit for his own use. I have been so sick over this and not been able to sleep because my friend calls me and tells me how bad they need the money. I confronted my husband about this and he lied to me about the amount of money that was owed to our friend which really angered me. I also found out how bad our finances really are. We have been having a lot of problems lately and decided a trial separation would be best. However, our friend wants me to pay him back from our money because they believe my husband is going to go under and have to file bankruptcy. Then, they will never get their money back as well as the fact that we are separating. If I leave, they feel they will also not get their money back. So do I pay my friend? They really mean a lot to me and I don’t want to burn that bridge and am also moving very close to them and do not want to have any bad blood between us. I know my husband will be furious if I pay them so please tell me what to do I want to do the right thing here . Please help me decide what to do I want to sleep at night what do I do?

Kayla

Dear Kayla,

I have been in a similar situation, actually, even closer to home. My husband borrowed $1,200 from my son. My son, Bill, had received a settlement on his 18th Birthday and it didn’t take long, till my husband decided to ask, to borrow money. He is not my sons Father. Thus, when he didn’t pay him back, I most certainly was plagued with guilt. It took me some time, grappling with the confines of starting over, after leaving my husband, to pay my son back. It actually took a couple years, with small payments from tax returns, Management Bonuses, etc..

Was I the one who should have paid that money back? I’d say no. Should I have felt the guilt, that went along with taking money from my 18 year old son? Possibly and I most certainly did and still do. I saw my husband as an extension of myself. At the same time, you are an extension of your husband, an agent of his estate. Do you owe this money? Oh hell no! Your hook-n-jive ex-hubby, clearly owes that money. Would I feel obligated to pay this money back? Yes, unfortunately, I would. But again, I do not feel you owe that money. What to do?

I do not know your financial situation. I assume, it’s not the best it could be or should be. You are caught in the middle and it is not fair of the friend to ask you, for money. At the same time, I can see, they must need the money or they’d not ask. Now, it doesn’t sit well with me, that this friend placed you in the middle. He clearly went in, on this deal, with your husband, adult eyes wide open. No one held a gun to his head and demanded money. Furthermore, his financial problems, at this juncture, are surely not your problem. I do believe, he’d be in his own dire straits, regardless of this house deal. What would he do or say, if he didn’t have you as the fall guy, for his own monetary dilemma? Well, I’ll answer that for you; He’d have to pull himself up by his own bootstraps and dig in, find the money and solve his own problems. No, instead, he has come to you, hoping for a handout, for money you don’t owe. That stinks to me, I can smell it all the way to Long Island. But you still have guilt and you’ll still feel somewhat responsible, huh? What to do?

I can understand that you are the Peacemaker here, right? As it stands, none of this is fair to you, least of all, your husband, for deviating from the facts. It seems you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t huh?

Having said all this and I do say what I mean, mean what I say and always try not to say it too mean, I choose my words carefully and write with intent, I’d like you to reread it and allow it to empower you.

The facts are that you are separated from your husband. Why do you really care, that he will be furious? No, I think it’s time you allowed him to understand that he has been less than honest, he’s played dirty pool and it has now placed you in the middle. That alone, should be enough to piss you off. Somehow though, I have the feeling that your hubby will act as if he’s pissed off, “The nerve of that bastard for asking you for money, I don’t owe him.” This is, of course, a ruse to cover his guilt. So, knowing his reaction ahead of the program, I do recommend that you write him a note, left in a place, he’s sure to get it. mail it, if you have to and tell him that you do not appreciate his under handed business practice with, what he used to call, a “Friend.” You then interject, “What happened to the idea, that a man is as good as his word?” You then proceed to tell him, that this is his baby and as a man, he needs to deal with his affairs and make an attempt at righting “HIS” wrong. You make it clear that it is not fair, for you to have to even think about this. “Did I make this business deal, with this man? Did I have control of the money from this house? And most importantly, “Am I responsible for all this?” I would then ask him to step up to bat , as a man and take care of business. “These are our friends and he did invest money, didn’t he? Even if you don’t agree to the amount he states you owe him, do you not owe him something, even the amount you say, is the right amount? Do you not feel, as a man, that you should at least make an effort to take care of your business? If you can’t pay him, don’t you feel, as a man, you should tell him this? Don’t you feel, as a man that it is your obligation, to handle this, instead of your wife?“

Once upon a time, a man was as good as his word and only as good as his word. I think a carefully written note, using this exact wording, I have laid out, will make him look at his stand, on the matter. He will have to look in the mirror and see himself, as the man he is not. Or at least question his own ethics and just how unfair this is to you.

In the event that this does not work or you are a bit fearful to challenge your husband in this manner, I suggest that you carefully put all this into perspective for yourself. If you must or you feel the absolute need to pay this debt, I feel they have no choice but to take a payment, a good will gesture. I dare say, you should not be put out, do without and making a small payment, in hopes that your hubby will buck up, is plausible.

I do hope, you will evaluate how you’ve been placed, smack dab in the middle of this. I hope you will look at and evaluate your “Friendship,” as well as your relationship with a man who doesn’t or won’t honor his word. I do believe you’ve looked at this, already and your separation, if nothing else, will make your husband look at his principles. Stand your ground.

Lastly, as I am a huge proponent, a true believer in the vows we exchange, on our wedding day, never think I am in any way, encouraging you to throw in the towel, on your marriage. If nothing else, I hope you will take this situation and make an example out of it. Play for keeps, my friend. Take a stand and say what needs to be said. Force your husband to look at his mess, his behaviors and his business practices. When it’s all said and done…what do you have to lose? But you do have everything to gain, huh? If nothing else, allow this to empower you by asserting what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong and none of this…is your wrong.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:30 AM

Labels: Bouncing Blame Personal Accountability, Estranged Spousal Problems

Full Course Meal

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi. I need help figuring out what I should do. I met a man earlier this year. He is 53 and I am 44. He
has been separated for 2 years and will soon be legally divorced. They have been apart the whole of 2 years. He has 3 children who live with her. I have one child (12). I have been divorced 2 1/2 years. My son and I tried to make a new life for ourselves I bought a home and had a good job. Then I got laid off and have had trouble finding employment. I am losing my home and my car. During these changes my relationship with this man, was just starting and he let me know right up front that he didn’t love me but wanted to be exclusive and we are in a serious relationship. I love him more than I have ever felt love before. I was married for 20 years. He was married for 15 years. While we were dating I discovered he was texting the girl he had been dating before me. She is 31. And he still is and also texting a woman in another state where he grew up. We have had discussions and I think he just needs time to go through the after divorce stuff (like I did) I am willing to do that provided that I’m not being a fool. He has said he has feelings for me and he has taken us in to live with him. My trouble is I’m not sure if living with him is a good idea. I take good care of him and his kids love me and me visa versa. I really want this to work out. He has told me that he isn’t ready for a commitment. He tells me that I am really great and loves the way I am as a woman. And he talks about future things with me.And he says he likes having me here with him. Most of my life has been a closed off environment resulting in no friends to speak of and lack of experience with dating. As a result I am unsure of what to expect from a man. Please feel free to ask me questions. Thank you for your help in any way.

Dear Friend,

There are no rules, anymore, when it comes to the dating game, are there? I must say, I don’t care for it much and at 48 have chose to forth go, “The Hunt.” I am content being alone. But most are not and I must say, I do understand your dilemma.

Exclusivity, should mean, “I give my heart to you and you only. I will not shop at other grocery stores. I will not be sneaky or entertain the notion of non exclusivity by texting other women.” Obviously, his idea of exclusive, is different than ours?

No, you have absolutely no right, to dictate what your thoughts are, concerning an exclusive relationship. We are aware of this, right? I do believe old school rules are out, as well, as we encroach upon a new age…2008. I can’t say as I like it or agree. Nothing’s certain, in this life but progress and change. Quite often, it’s not for the better, eh? Thus far, I’ve not seen the new rule book either. The definitions of right and wrong and all the gray areas are not in black and white. But I know this much;

If you do not define, your “Right to Happiness” and you do not speak up as to what you expect or feel an exclusive relationship entails, **I will bet this website, that it will continue as it is and possibly get worse. Tell me different and I’ll shut this site down. Yes, I am that sure of myself.

At the same time, I am aware of your feelings of obligation. Yes, you feel somewhat beholden because he has taken you in. Knowing full well, that you do not and can not dictate the terms of this endearment, we must approach this from a different angle.

Had it been that you were in your own home, I would come out, guns blazing but I am Intuitive enough to realize your situation. On one hand, you are a good woman who’ll do anything for her man. You’ll rope the Moon, fry it up in a pan and serve it in your sexiest lingerie, maybe even in one of his shirts(they do so love that). You are sure enough, of yourself, as a woman, that out of respect, you’ll allow this man to lead, figuratively and literally, in life, dancing and even run the remote. Yes, you are a good woman but you’re no dummy and least of all, you can’t stand to be played. Am I right? I also feel that you are not sure, how to proceed because of this unique situation and the fact that he has made it clear to you that and you stated, verbatim,”he let me know right up front that he didn’t love me but wanted to be exclusive and we are in a serious relationship.”

The Games People Play

Never be a victim, Darling, nor a martyr for the cause. See, there are defining factors here. I assume that you sleep with him, possibly in the same bed? When two people live together, that bed becomes the marriage bed, morally and physically. But does our friend want his pie, donuts, cake and eat it too? Many men, if given the chance, would want it all. Meaning, if they had a good woman, such as yourself, to come home to but could also play little games and get away with it, they most certainly would and do. Your guy has the best of both worlds and why would he change it? Basically, as it stands, you don’t feel you have the right to call him on his crap, do you? I do understand though. What to do?

Find the proper time, that perfect moment, when you know he’s open to a few questions. Quite often, that’s right before he believes he’s about to get lucky, (I’m giggling, sorry, as I remember those perfect moments of interrogation). As any expert interrogator knows, you must be armed to the teeth with the proper way to present your questions. You want to get the maximum effect and outcome, in as little time, as possible. Yes, you must rehearse and orchestrate your questions.

This will be a full course meal, with exotic twists and tastes, things he may not have tasted before. Start with cocktails, literally and figuratively, something to cleanse the palate. You might make the statement, “ I wanted to tell you that I am more than appreciative for your help, for myself, as well as my child [insert name]. For this, I am so thankful and hope you have been aware of my gratitude. Actions do speak louder than words, do they not?” I assume he will validate your good, supportive and for lack of a better word, “Wifely” behaviors.

As an appetizer, you’ll want to serve up an ego fluffier. “I think you know, just how deeply I care for you. I’ve not cared for any man, as I have for you. I do believe you care, as you’ve indicated, while not intending to commit? Right?”

For the second course, you serve up,the dense soup “While our relationship is unique, please define exclusivity for me?” (I wish I was a fly on the wall for this one) “While I am not pressuring you, for commitment, I would never want to be a fool or even worse, set myself up for the fall.”

I think by simply asking for some definition, you might get to the bottom of what’s important; Is your guy getting the milk free without buying the cow? Yes, you have a right to know

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

"Oh Baby"

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz

Greetings, I hope this message finds you in good health and happy.

A little background information might make it a little easier to understand my plight, so…I’m a 22 year old stay at home mom married just 8 months, with a 3 month old daughter. I was 4 months pregnant when I married my husband, and yes he is the biological father of my daughter.

Pregnancy had taken it’s toll on me, making it impossible to have sex through the first trimester due to hormones. Hence we went from making love several times a day in an attempt to get pregnant, to not at all because I was sick so much.

Then in my third trimester, he ceased to want me. Whether it was due to my growing size or some other reason, I’m not sure, but sex when it did happen was short and with out satisfaction from my aspect. Thus, our sex life became nothing more than my giving him hand and blow jobs.

So I hoped things would get better after the baby was born but we have always been warned it takes time to get things right, so “go slow, make it more like a courtship” but he has expressed no interest in making it like that at all. He either wants to get in, get off and get to sleep or he wants hand and blow jobs. Either way, I get left out. If I tell him that I’m not getting anything out of our sex life than I’m just “bitching all the time about sex” and “he could last longer for me if we had sex more often” (by the way, that is an impossibility with a colicky, teething baby).

All this got worse when he decided to buy a vibrator. I figured it would be an occassional play thing, but he wants to use it on me all the time, never actually making love to me any more. We either sixty nine with him using it on me, or he uses it on me then wants a blow job after I get off.

And every time he uses it, he tells me later that the only way he can get me off is to use a vibrator on me.

What is a girl to do when her husband doesn’t want to put forth the effort to give her an orgasm during sex and complains when she gets off with the vibrator he bought and uses on her? I mean I feel so guilty everytime I get off because he complains that he can’t please me, but he never actually tries to please me. In six months I have had a grand total of 10 orgasms. He gets at least three a week.

Should I roll over and play dead like they say women do after marriage or should I keep trying? (And for that matter, do women stop wanting sex after marriage because their husbands stop trying to please them?)

Sincerely

Sarah L

The sexually frustrated housewife

Dear Sarah L,

BOY do I hear you!!! After pregnancy so many things can just go all wonky with sex and sexual desire. I myself was in my third trimester and hornier then I don’t know what.. and my husband was really freaked out over sex. “It” was too close to the baby, was his argument.. lol! Still, no matter who you are, sex is an issue that if not discussed can get really really bad.

The thing is, I personally don’t think that people can ever talk enough about their sexual wants with their partner. It’s not a matter of who is doing what right or wrong. It’s about mutual pleasure and what we need in order to feel “whole” in our lives.

Definitely keep talking to your husband. Try not to take a negative spin on the talks (like that you haven’t gotten off from him is really dampering), but play up the positives (like how you feel when he kisses you, and how good his touch is to you. And you know what, you just might have to fake it a few times. Why? Because right now he is discouraged and needs to know that his effort is worth something. Sure, it will relate to you being all ready to go and feeling not at all satisfied. But deal. It is for the betterment of your relationship right now. I normally don’t tell people to fake it… but this guy needs an ego boost, and you need the proper loving. So in order to get that, you need to either “prep” before getting into it… or fake it so that his confidence returns and the vibrator takes a back seat. Then things will start to be a little better.

One thing I will ask though, is have you thought maybe he bought the vibrator for a different reason? Sometimes men find the adjustments after a baby is born really hard.. and he might not even realize (could be his subconscious) that he bought a sexual device that is unable to impregnate. In short, he’s afraid to knock you up again. Very real possibility of that, and you should talk about that too. Because if he is afraid to climax because of that reason.. you will have to talk about your wants with regard to more kids and birth control and all that stuff. And maybe that is the only issue.

Hope this has helped you, let us know how you do!!
~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Curious

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Im dating this girl who has had the biggest crush on me for a long time,

well things were going good for a month, then she told me that she had a

secret that was soooo nasty and terrible and disgusting that she was ashamed

of herself, but she wouldnt say what it was.

She said its an addiction and it wasnt drug related . Its something Physical

about herself and its not def not sex with men or guy related. She doesnt

want to talk about it but it has nothing to do with men or drugs. She said

another girl at work had the same addiction and thats why they were really

close.

She wont say what it is but that someone else before me a year ago saw it

in her and she was sooo ashamed . Its really bothering me cause she says if

we get really close I’ll start to notice it in her.

she said her mom and ex husband didnt even know she did it, tis sooo

disgusting and nasty .

my question is…what the f*** can be that disgusting and offensive thats

not drug related or related to men and is something thats a physical

addiction about her ?????? I was thinking body mutilation but I remember she

said every now and then she goes out and does this nasty thing .

last time she did it was over a year ago……. can you help me figure this

out ?

Dear Friend,

I know that you want us to make some kind of guess as to what it is this girl is so ashamed of.. but truth be told, it would be nothing but a guess and wouldn’t help you in the slightest.

See, when someone lets a secret out, it is such a piece of them that they are freed by it. And I feel that she is just not there yet… but wanted to give you a heads up to make herself feel better.

There are thousands of things it could be. As minuscule as she picks her nose habitually to having what’s called a ‘blood fetish’ where a woman saves her own menstrual fluids and reuses it for making art (you think I am kidding right? http://community.livejournal.com/blood_art)

But no matter what it is, it will be a mere guess. And no matter what it is, this girl wants to know that she can trust you before she tells you her dirty little secret. And we all have one of those… it is just different for each of us. For me, I am insane when it comes to tweezing. I will tweeze the shot out of my eyebrows, legs, whatever.. I just can’t stop once I have tranced in on it. But that is something that I don’t think of as a big secret anymore to discuss… however you wouldn’t ever catch me doing it in front of another person but my husband. It is private, and something I am not comfortable with sharing. And all couples have a ‘thing’.

You just never know until the trust is there. I would advise you to be patient, and above all tolerant and accepting. Because even if you don’t like what ever this is that she is so scared to share… you will devastate her if she opens up and tells you. So at least if you cannot condone it, don’t judge her for it. That’s who she is.

Talk openly with her on the anxiety that you are feeling not knowing her secret but knowing somethings there though. Because no matter what the relationship is… you don’t have to keep that kind of feeling bottled up. You should be able to tell her that the anxiety is somewhat like a dark cloud that is bothering you, and if she isn’t ready to share what that is.. that’s fine. But that you don’t really want to talk about it, and you don’t want to be lied to about it. And maybe throw in that once again, you don’t mind that she needs time to divulge her secret, but make it clear to her of the things that you would consider a ‘deal breaker’ (like molestation, cheating, watching strange porn, whatever) and that if it is something in there, you are going to really have to think about the relationship and that she needs to accept your behaviors and what you are willing to do as well.

I hope that things go well with you two, and hope that whatever the secret is that it isn’t a deal breaker. Let us know how it all works out.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Nixing The Negativity

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

I’m sorry to bother you yet again. i have issues. and im only 18 man thaz

crazy but anywayz, im so negative its become a problem. i dont believe in

relationships or marriage and i doubt everything but my intelligence and

ability to be successful careerwise. i just want to be happy whether im

single or not. i want to count on me and god for happiness. i know i’ll have

problems and rainy days but i can deal with them. i just want to be content

with everything in my life and everyone in my life too. help.

Dear Negatively Drawn,

When you are eighteen and trying to pave your way in the world, the feelings that you are having are very normal. It is difficult to ‘get it together’ when you don’t know what your real drive, your purpose is. And it is even more difficult to make your way when you have notions of what you do and don’t believe in right off the get go. Let me explain.

See, I have said this before, but I was just like you in this regard. I had thought marriage was an archaic and unnecessary burden, which was passed down through centuries of tradition. It wasn’t until I was older, and ready to commit myself to another person did my mind ever waver on this subject.

One of the words that I hear often (and from myself as well) is “Belief”. You don’t believe in relationships, however relationships are prevalent. Examples are those of friends, parents, siblings.. they don’t just stay together out of sheer luck. Multiple families have torn apart because of the unwillingness, or inability to communicate and share common goals. Likewise, partnerships also dissolve because of all sorts of reasons. But it is still a relationship that is broken. So when you say you don’t believe in relationships.. I am going to assume that you don’t think having one right now is in your best interest.. or just interesting to you period.

Going with that thought, I would like to give you a piece of advice that will be a jagged little pill to swallow. Don’t be so ready to make your mind up on what you believe and do not believe in at this point. You have so much time to figure out what is right for you, and if you release that mind set I can guarantee that you will be more alleviated. It is the ability of the human mind to make choices which makes life so enjoyable, and when you take the choice away.. you are left with conviction and judgment. Not to say that having those traits are undesirable, in fact it is often what builds our character and makes us part of this society on earth. But predetermining your whole life with a statement is not in itself very reflective or effective to living. We have the opportunity of our entire life span to change our minds, grow as people, and do what is good for each other and ourselves. That is the magic of life, I kid you not.

Being content with your life is only in the power of you. What are you doing to make yourself content? Hanging around with people you do not feel comfortable with will not do it. Staying in a dead end job that you hate will not do it. Staying in a relationship with a person who doesn’t get you will not do it. So what to do then? Change. It is one of the simplest words, and I think the hardest to embrace. Changing yourself into a better you is something that multiple ads for weight loss, depression medications, and stylists have cashed in on for decades. But the actual phrase shouldn’t be washed away with the product. The choice to change things up is ours, and we should always remember that choice is what we have to make our lives better and to get to that place where we are content.

Another piece of advice I would give, is (and seriously bear with me on this one) think happy thoughts. Sounds like Peter Pan is about to erupt out of this page, pixie dust in tow. But seriously, if you are always doubting the motives of others and doubting the credibility of things, you will make yourself miserable. Don’t get me wrong, be smart and don’t be taken for a ride when you know better. But if a guy at work suddenly asks you for coffee, don’t just immediately think he is just after your body/money/what have you. At least give him the chance to prove he is not a dumb ass. I assure you, there are some out there that aren’t.

And if you are wanting for more happiness within yourself, then I strongly suggest not being negative towards yourself. All of us have this self sabotage button that we just love to press. And it is really a shame, because if you could see yourself through another’s eyes I think that you would be pleasantly surprised at the outcome. We are not worthless, we are not idiots, we are not wasting our time… as long as you are committed to living. Not just wandering through life without feeling. LIVING. You don’t need any other purpose then that. And it is the most fun and rewarding thing to do, to live and enjoy your life. And more often then not, those who embrace that method have what others covet for themselves. Not material possessions, anyone can get those with hard work. But the happiness that you exude due to truly being happy and satisfied that this life that you are living is one with your 100% dedication. If you can make it happen, it will. Trust me.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

This Is…Your Life

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

I live in an emotionally abuse family home. My parents fight all the time. My mom threatens to put my in juvenile if i dont do stuff for her. For instance. Clean my room. Clean the bathroom. Im not lazy. I do do the stuff. but while im doing it she starts to throw her two cents in and just tries to imtimidate me. Like: use this cleaner-do it right- or your not going to work until its clean (i love my job and she always tries to threaten to take that away when its my only way to get away from all the stuff that i put up with at home) or anything that she can do to get to my head. I want to leave and live my friends instead. She says that if i leave she will call the cops and they will track me down and take me to juvenile. im starting to think juvenile wont be so bad. What is juvenile like? Can she just send me to juvenile because she wants to? What should i do? Plus i still have school and stuff to worry about. Im almost able to leave legally at 17 but ill be 16 for another year, then i can leave. im starting to think about suicide for some reason. What should i do? please keep this between us and dont post it on your site.

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Parents and law is exactly it.

Are you sure that you know the state laws of parental obligation? You might be able to remove yourself from your home even if you are under age.. especially given the circumstances. If you were to seek help from a social worker they are bound to confidentiality within the law (which is to say that if there is no fear of physical abuse or anything that would break the law) and can give you the rules flat out on what it is you can and cannot do.

Of course, you may not be comfortable with this, and I understand. My first time seeing a social worker was when I was six years old and I didn’t have that fun a time of it. But if you remain level headed when talking, and ask specific questions like “what is the law regarding parental custody.” “what age do you have to be to legally move out on your own” “what are the circumstances that my parents could send me to juvenile detention?”. These are great questions to ask and will help you make up your mind.

One thing that I would like to add is that unless you have done something illegal or physically abusive, your parents can’t just send you to juvenile detention. It’s not there to have teens just be dropped into. It is there as a correctional facility, to help young adults not become criminals. So keep that in the back of your head, and don’t blow up at her. You have not indicated in your letter any reason for her to send you, and she would be laughed at if she had nothing to prove you were violent or on drugs. Another thing to keep in mind, is that if you were to leave, the police would return you to her custody, not juvenile detention. She clearly has no idea what she is talking about and is hoping that you do not either. This is why talking to a social worker would help so much in your case, you need to be educated to relieve the fear factor.

And that is the main thing I am getting here. The fear of things your parents (or maybe just your mom) are saying might actually be true. You need to be educated in this matter and know your rights. I strongly suggest that you seek help in this area, as I am not qualified to give legal advice.. and I do not know the legalities of things for where you are.

If you can manage to leave that environment, please do everything that you can to continue your schooling and make your education the most important thing in your life. I can tell you from experience, I moved out when I was 16. I was being thrown around by my step-dad and decided that I would do much better on my own. And I have to say, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I worked three jobs and went to school so that I could live and have a future. And had I went a different way, and sought out help from the community programs like social services, I could have had some of that stress eliminated. In my final high school year I was admitted to the hospital with severe dehydration and had collapsed at my work site. I was on IV for a week and in what they call a ‘lapse coma’ which means I was out cold from exhaustion. I would not recommend this road for anyone, as it is hard and tiring and lonely. You don’t get to have much of a life when you are working to survive, and when you are so young. So please, I urge you to seek support so that maybe you can stay in a subsidized house, a shared house, or even a foster home while you attend school. And you will need your schooling, so don’t let that go on the back burner. You want to be able to look at your mother in ten years and say to her “despite your efforts, I have become a responsible and productive member of society.” You really will enjoy it, I assure you.

And while I am on the topic of seeking out help.. I need to also stress the last sentence of your letter and how impacting that is. Suicide is a HUGE word, and is not the best solution is your situation. It is rarely the best solution in any situation. When we get down and feel like someone/something is crushing our very will to be alive… those thoughts can slip in. And that is normal, 100%. But you need to have the strength and the courage to know this for what it is… and that is the human flaw. All people have this little button that once activated sort of reacts like an eject button. Things get rough in life, sometimes far too rough that any one person should endure. And we decide that it would just be better to get the hell out of here, and let the people who hurt us cry over a grave that they couldn’t prevent. But I am telling you, strait up, that it is the wrong road to go down. Do not make this mistake. You are young and you do have ample opportunity to change your life, and to change the future. You cannot do that from a coffin. I am asking Babz to put a few links in here for suicide prevention, and I would love it if you could subside your thoughts and just call or click on them and just hear what they have to say. You did a brave thing already by contacting us. Now do yourself that same favor and live… live for the life that you will have. You will be okay, you will get through this. You just need a little help, and that’s totally acceptable.

So, talk to a social worker. Don’t let your mom freak you out about Juvenile detention (and no, it isn’t that bad). Talk to someone about the thoughts you have been having. And always, always remember that we are here for you to help out in any way that we can. If you need a little more research done for the area you live in for people to talk to, let us know and we can try and find what we can. Stay strong, and remember that this is YOUR life, live it well.

Aunt Babz Said…

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Mixed Signals???

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Mixed Signals???

New Staff Advisor, Xmichra, answers the question…

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hi !

I play soccer, and I’m in big trouble with one of the girls. It started about 6 months ago. She helped me out during practice, told me to “go ahead and play, and not just walk”. I was walking because I was feeling really bad. I had lost a good friend of mine. I was waiting for December break to quit the team. Well, unfortunately this girl messed up my plans by telling me to “go ahead and play, and not just walk”. Then she helped me by telling me who to pass the ball to, where to run and so on…That really hit me as I had really not expected her to say that. She’s one of the most popular girl in the team and by far the best player of the premiere team. I’m not as popular, and used to be a substitute in the other team (the second one). Let alone that I was feeling desperate, and obviously not expecting anything good to happen in my life.

Then, weird stuff started happening. It seemed as if we copy each other on the field when we play against each other, like we have the same reactions at the same time. Sometimes, my leg would do something without my brain telling me to do so. On the same team, we would just understand each other. This usually doesn’t happen with people who don’t know each other. This scared me a lot as I had no clue to what is going on. I think it scared her too.

So from then on, we started looking at each other. She says I look at her. On my side, I accuse her. Stupid baby game that we are both unable to stop other than by just avoiding each other, which obviously hasn’t solved anything yet. What’s more is that I do have reasons to suspect things too because she is homosexual. And lucky me, her girlfriend is in the team. A couple times, it seems as she has been hitting on me. For instance, during a party, I had put my drink on the table. She came nearby to serve herself, and placed her body right in front of my drink. The only way I would be able to pick it up would have been by putting my hand right by her sex. Or else, she stays in front of the doorway when she knows I need to go through. Then she says, “Go ahead, you’re right, why don’t you bump into me while you’re at it?”. She also fowls me and then say she’s pleased of so doing. Lately, she’s been coming right by me to say that it doesn’t smell good, and laughs with her friends. This confuses me a lot, and hurts me because at the time she had started off by being nice to me. I had really appreciated her help. I am still very thankful.

Could you help me figure out why this girl is acting this way and what to do about it?

Thank you

Natalie 22yrs old
Dear Friend,

There are a few triggers for me here. And maybe it is from translation, but this does sound like a girl who wanted to help out a person who was feeling low. And then likely what happened was that you two were too much in sync.. and the girlfriend got jealous. And what do jealous people demand?? reasons not to be jealous.. which is why this girl likely gave the could shoulder afterward and was mean.

Basically, I would cut the friendship or what ever that was short. Obviously this girl has more drama in her life then you can contend with. BUT, if you were looking at her in that way… that loving way. Then maybe you need to do a little soul searching too. Maybe you were sending mixed signals… and maybe she got caught off guard. There really isn’t anything to her being homosexual. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they want to have sex with you. But flirting happens naturally, and if she was flirting (which I actually think that she was) and had thought originally that it was just for her and she thought that you were strait.. well if you started returning those looks, that could catch a girl off guard.

What to do now with the soccer?? Just keep playing and keep the valuable information and skill that this girl gave you. Eventually it will all wind down.. if you want it too. If you continue to try and make a relationship with this girl (either sexual or friendship) be prepared for a bumpy ride. Sounds like she has a lot of pressure having a girlfriend, being popular, and a good athlete. So you might end up totally brushed off. So just be prepared, and don’t let it break you.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:55 PM    

Labels: Flirting, Friendship, Homosexuality, Jealousy

Sorry For The Delay

Dear Readers,

I’ve been on vacation. I was unable to access my old emails, while I was gone. Thus I’d not been able to answer any letters, I received prior to leaving.

I do apologize for the delay in your answers and will get to them, as soon as humanly possible. I thank you for your patience.

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

True Colors

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

i have been going with this girl for about 3 years of and on this last time i lived with her for a year and a half she has a little girl 4 tears old i’m very close to i was with her more than anybody. we both lost our jobs about the same time mine due to a work injury. we were stressed out and i was getting depressed i fianlly got help for that but it was to late she told me to get out and when i was in the hospital she got rid of my stuff. i still can talk to her and she talk to me just not about us she said not to bug her so i haven’t called in about 3 days. i wrote her a 20 page letter letting know how i feel and miss her and tha little girl how i want to put back our family. i want to call her but i want her to have her space right now. what else can i do to get my family back!

Dear Friend,

Your situation sounds pretty heavy. Mixed emotions, depression, career changes, children.. it is hard to handle just one of these things but these are all the facets that make a relationship hard to work through.

First off though, I would like to commend you for seeking help for your depression. It is hard to seek help, and actually learn from that help. You did the right thing there, and I hope that you benefited greatly from it.

If I were you, I would sit back and evaluate how your relationship with this girl has changed. I don’t say this to be mean… but she has a child to worry about and she may feel that it is in her best interest not to start something so heavy again and you might just have to accept this and move on. But I will finish that thought later.

I don’t know what happened entirely, so I am giving the benefit of the doubt that what happened between the two of you is simply a sequence of unfortunate situations, which made your relationship fracture.

The loss of a job is a difficult burden when you not only have yourself to provide for but also a child. This situation can pile on the stress by the ton, especially if it involves an injury where you are not able to get into the work force again right away. This type of unemployment can and does put an enormous strain on a relationship, especially if the other partner has had to carry the burden of being the only worker in the household. Now, you had said both of you had lost your jobs at the same time, yours was due to injury. Did she end up working again and supporting you? Because if this is the case, she may not be ready to discuss having a relationship because she feels that she unfairly carried the responsibility of earning money while you couldn’t. Even in a relationship that has sustained thirty years, this is a trial to which many do not survive, that responsibility is so encumbering that on it’s own can tear a relationship apart.

It is natural for the human psyche to think that of a persons “true colors” , you see the most when in a troubled situation. She may think that while all these things were happening she got to see the true you, and isn’t prepared to tackle that again. And to be fair, she very well might not be prepared for you again or the stress of providing for another when she has her little girl to parent. Even if you are gainfully employed now, she will remember what it was like and be fearful if that were to happen again how that would affect her.

Now, if you really want to try something out you can ask her to go to couples therapy. This might help her to vent her true feelings and give you an opportunity to speak your truth as well. Given the situation though, I do not think that she will go for this. I think that by the sounds of what she is telling you that she does want her space, and doesn’t think of you in that regard anymore. And I am sorry to say this, but I think if she doesn’t want to make a relationship with you, that you will need to move on to keep yourself healthy.

Remember all the help you received to bring you out of your depression and the things that they likely said. Your mental health is dependent on you, and you alone. You need to make sure that you are all right, and if you find that this is too hard, I strongly urge you to seek help for your own safety. Please let us know if you need some support, as there are plenty of resources that can be linked in your area. Good luck to you.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Find Happiness

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Babs,

this is my first time using this but I need help.. you see my ex boyfriend I love him and all but I’m not in love with him any more I’m 19 years old and he’s 21 his father died when he was 10 years old.. so really he has just his mom, but I’ve had problems with her we just don’t get along.. and all he does is do nothing but have everything given to him by his mother.. so I’m the one that bust my butt working a real job.. I went out with him for about 2 ½ years and I came to a conclusion that this isn’t the life and future I want.. I tell him that I love him and care for him but I don’t lead him on b/cuz I don’t want to hurt him.. but when we do see each meaning if he knows I’m somewhere he’ll be there in 10 mins without me even knowing that I know he knows where I am.. and he always makes me have a guilt trip.. no I didn’t cheat. I was there. He says I act different when I’m with my friends . he constantly calls my friends.. he goes by my house like stalker type but not abusive.. leaves notes , he goes to my house to see if my car is there. I just don’t know what to do anymore please help me..

Dear Friend,

We all have the right to be happy. If you are honest, which you must be, you will have guilt free, happiness.

I already have the sneaking suspicion, that this guy is so controlling. Love is one thing but to feel you’re in a constant state of distrust because of his jealousies, is not healthy. If he’s like this now, I just can’t imagine him, in a few years or if you were to give in and get married or something.

My suggestion is for you to begin to move away from the sticky situation, you’re in, right now. I think that may start with, honesty. You may have to sit him down and tell him, exactly how you feel. Do it in a public place, if possible. What I mean by that, is I just have this feeling, that he’s not going to take it well. If you are in a quiet restaurant and you are exact, about your feelings, he’s less likely to go off.

I’m afraid that, you may have to cut off all ties, to this fellow, once you’ve made up your mind to do it. I don’t think there’s a good chance of friendship, in the wake of your telling him, exactly how it is.

I do think you owe it to yourself, to find happiness. You also owe it to him, to be honest and then move on, as painlessly as possible.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Words To Live By

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Words to Live By

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

So I met this boy on my birthday a couple of weekends ago on my birthday. We totally hit it off and had a great evening. We flirted a bit at the end of the evening he asked for my phone number. I finally heard from him a week later and we have been talking everyday since. A few days after he started talking to me he told me that he needed to talk to me about something that he should have told me in the beginning. At this point he told me that he was so incredibly sorry that he had not been honest with me in the beginning but he does have a girlfriend. But things with his girlfriend have been really rough for a while. He said that the moment he met me reminded him on what it’s like to have feelings for someone again. He kept apologizing to me and said that the last thing he ever wanted to do was mess with my head or hurt me. It was truly the best apology that I’ve ever gotten in my life. He said he really has feelings for me but just doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want me to stop talking to him and says that I’m not getting in the way. But sometimes I feel like he’s really into talking to me and sometimes I feel the opposite.. I’m really confused on what to do because I do have feelings for this guy and really enjoy talking to him but I don’t know whether I’m bothering him by talking to him or how I would and what should I do about the situation he’s in? Should I continue to talk to him and see where it takes us so should I really just leave him alone and let him come to me? And if I should continue to talk to him, should I really try to get his attention or should I just play it cool?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

You really like this guy and it may have blinded you. Otherwise, you’d have seen the Yield Signs. Then again, if you didn’t have some indicators of caution, you’d not have written, right?

I like this guy but I want you to go into to this with your eyes, wide open. First, you must look at the fact, that he was and is, in another relationship, when he asked for your phone number. Could he or would he do this to you, if you were to get into a relationship?

My point is this; no matter how painful things may get or be, we must embrace complete honesty, in our relationships. What am I talking about?

Ask yourself, if he’s that unhappy, with his current girlfriend and it’s that rocky, that he would have the audacity, to ask you for your phone number, why is he still with her?

I am glad he was honest enough to inform you about this other girl but he’s getting no medal from me. What is his motive for telling you? Is it because you may find out, about her? I don’t know?

He needs to break up with her, if he’s going to talk to you. Now, I can tell you’ve over looked all this because you do like him, a lot, right? I am not going to tell you that this can never work but you must make a stand.

I think you should tell him that you really enjoy his company, talking to him and you would love to further get to know him. But he needs to call you when he’s single and not until.

Open your eyes, wide enough to realize that, he’s not being honest with her, either. I don’t believe you’d viewed this from her standpoint, have you? How will you feel, if and when he does the same thing to you? If you were to become a couple and things just aren’t working out, unbeknownst to you, would it hurt you, if you found he was talking shit to another girl, in the name of a rocky relationship, between you two? I’m not saying he would do it but a man is only as good as his words and actions.

My advice; Girlfriend, you must respect yourself first and never play second fiddle. Did you realize that you were? I am not telling you that your feelings, as well as his are bad. I am not saying he is a bad guy but he may not realize how deceitful, he is being. Tell him to clean up his act and then call you. You owe it to yourself, to demand this. You must always live under the premise, to do unto others, as you want them to do, unto you.

My friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ , someone I met, up close and personal, is not real fond of dishonesty, deceitful, down-n-dirty behavior. I know, I was living my life with complete disregard for others. I was a nasty, vengeful, liar, thief and down right dirty bitch. I did whatever I wanted and didn’t care who I hurt, self-will run riot. Quite often, I did things, regardless but I didn’t think before I did my crimes. I explained things away, that I had to do whatever it was, I felt needed to be done. Many people were hurt, in the wake of my wrath, my behavior. Eventually, it caught up with me and I met Mz. Karma. She put me in Prison and gave me perspective. Now, we’re good friends but she taught me, a few things;

1. Do not judge until I’ve walked a Millennium in their Moccasin.
   
2. If I don’t want it done to me, I’d better not do it to them.
   
3. Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit.
4. I have choices, in everything I do, everything.
5. Try to live without Regret.
6. Be Assertive, not Passive-Aggressive.
7. The Name of the Game is Tame the Shame.
8. Stop saying, “Why me?”
9. Start saying, “Yes, Me!”
10. Realize the Key to Life is Love, Laughter, Family.
11. Life is a series of Tests, learn from them.
12. When I pass a test, I’m given another piece to The Puzzle.
13. The Puzzle pieces are to The Big Picture; Your Life.
14. Live, Learn, Love, Laugh.
15. Let Go & Let God.
    

Words to live by, eh?

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 10:12 AM    

Labels: Honesty, Honesty to self, Mz. Karma Bitchslap, The Big Picture, What I Learned, Words to Live By

Affairs of the Heart

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I think its a wonderful opportunity to share my love life in a bid to sought advice from you even though my case is not that of physical health but emotional.

I have a situation right now and I need your candid advice on the issue. I am a Born Again child of God and I am 34years.I was not engage until recently. I have had several failed attempt to be engage due to many reasons I can not explain but i guess its not Gods will for me.

This February I got a missed call from a number I am not familiar with, then I called to discover 2 days later that the number belong to my dads colleague in the office. My dad denied having a relationship with this woman 2 years ago even though some of sibling and my mother thinks something was fishing between, in fact he came to my apartment to denial all allegation. I believed him and we all put all of that behind us.

As at the time I called this woman number it happens that her daughter was with her phone, I don’t know she has a daughter that is as old as Tolu (not her real name).I later realize that I gave her mother my number my phone when she visited us during New Year Day. My mother traveled to her home town for the Christmas and New Year that’s why she came at dad’s invitation, because I know my sibling and mum don’t like seeing her around at all.

Anyway, I got talking with Tolu on phone regularly for close to 3 weeks before we later meet. I really like her sense of maturity and manners. She was raised by her paternal grandmother as a good Christian. She is a very well groom and well behave girl. Something in me yawn for her and I later propose to her…..She later accepted my proposal after some resistance that is common with ladies.

My dad approve of my intension and her mum too, however a month later Tolus’ mum called me and told me she wanted to report my dad to me…from her story it happened that truly she was seeing my dad and it no longer a secret.They actually had a misunderstanding and she said she feels she should tell me. She said it would not affect her approval of my relationship with her daughter and she thinks we have our lives to live.

I confronted my Dad and he confess it true I guess he accepted because Tolus mum opened up, I was pained but I didn’t show him. I was pained because if I knew I wouldn’t have ask Tolu out. The truth is I am deeply in love with Tolu and our love grows deeper and deeper everyday. She is completely innocent and I don’t think she will be herself again if the truth is told, she vowed to always love me because I am the one she ever wanted.

My siblings dislike my intention to want to marry her and my mum hated the ideal altogether. However, I have finally found peace with Deborah and I don’t think we deserve to sacrifice our love because of my dad and her mum illicit affair.
What can I do? Please advice.

Lion King

Dear Lion King,

I am not sure, I understand your entire letter? I think this concerns the discomfort, of others, concerning, the possibility, that your Dad had an affair? Is it your Mum’s discomfort, you are concerned with?

My answer to this one, I think is rather quick; if you were my son, regardless, of my own feelings, I would be happy for you. We may not want to call it “selfish” but it is, if your Mum would allow this, past indiscretion to stand in the way, of the affairs of your heart. You had nothing to do, with what your father, has done. This young lady, who so possess your heart, had nothing to do with the indiscretion, either. Why should you both, be punished for it? I mean, while it is possible, that had you known all about this indiscretion, you may not have a approached, or sought after Tolus. But the facts here are that, you did not know, right? Regardless, I think if you are in love, I would be happy for you. Your Mum, may be a bit uncomfortable, at first but she should put her feelings aside, for the sake of your happiness.

My advice would be, to go to your Mum and tell her, it is not in you, to hurt her. You are truly sorry, if this might cause her any pain and that it is not your wish to make her feel bad or dredge up any past. You explain to her, that you love this girl and have asked for her hand in marriage. You then tell your Mum, that you want her to be happy for you and you need her blessings. Tell her to please try to see, that you are so in love.

I think if you just confront the issue, with tact and understanding, all will be well. Try to allow your Mum to see, just how happy this young woman has made you and ask her to share in it. I think it is an uncomfortable subject but I think Mum will try to understand, if you make her see, just how happy, you really are. Ask her if she wants you to be happy? She will answer yes. Then, ask her to try to put her feelings aside and give her undying and unconditional love and blessings. I wish you the best.

I don’t feel that you should feel bad for this. You have done nothing wrong, remember that. But you go to your Mum and you ask for her blessings.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Searching

Dear Aunt B,

I am looking for my friend that moved to Los Angeles. She is 16 years old. I have no idea what her parents names are. I really like this girl and really want to see her. Do you know how i would find her?

Thanks

Dear Friend,

I’m afraid that all I can do, is provide you with a few links. Short of hiring a Private Investigator, you’d have to do the leg work yourself. The links, I’ve provided below, especially Zabasearch, is good. Los Angeles data base is huge. Another way of finding people is through MySpace. Most teens have a page. You need to put her name in the search and go through them. Most will post a pic and you may recognize her. This is a tool I have used in my work. There are also pay per sites, but 9 times out of 10, unless they’re registered for work and so on, it is hard to find them. Facebook, may be another suggestion but you may have to register to access their search engine. It only takes a minute. You never know, she may find you, if you get a page too. You can comb through these and see. I wish you the best.

PS, My friend, Dee @ Blogozine, informs me that there’s a search engine called Spock. Check it out.

Zabasearch

MySpace Search

Facebook

Yahoo People Finder

PeopleSite

PeopleFinder (Pay Site)

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Smell The Cologne

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,
I love my girlfriend, who is a 38 yr old flight attendant, she doesn’t earn as much money as I do so I have been paying a few bills a month for her first to just help out.. This has now turned into a permanent thing and I am starting to feel that I am being taken advantage of. I gave her an expensive present for her birthday, but on mine, she gave me a birthday card saying she ordered something but it didn’t arrive yet. This turned out to not be true by the way…. I realize she doesn’t have a lot of money but yet she buys presents for her family all the time. Am I being taken advantage of ?

Dear Friend,

My initial reaction or gut instinct is, only if you allow it. I think you must weigh out, if she is being frugal or you’ve given her opportunity to believe that, now she has a crutch and can go and spend what she wants, as you’ll be there to help her out.

But I think, you would not be writing me, if you were satisfied with that relationship? What I mean is this, are her priorities with her family and not you?
It is kind of you, to see that she has no money and could hardly afford a present but dammit, she could not tell me, that for your Birthday, she could not even write you a nice letter, telling you, how important you are in her life and she would give you the world, if she could. Many years, as a young bride, I felt I couldn’t ask my husband for money to buy him a present, with his money. It was our money but you know what I mean. So, every year, I would do something special, cook a nice meal and write a nice letter or I even made cards and coupon books. They were kind of sexy coupons, need I say more? But it is always the thought that counts.

Now, she may have lied, telling you that she ordered something for you, out of embarrassment? Yet, she will give to her family? She may feel that comfortable with you, that she does not feel the need to shine or or or, she’s behaving badly like a good lil golddigger.

I think this comes down to, you assessing your situation. As I said before, it is kind of you, to be helpful but if your relationship was all it should be, you’d not have written me. Possibly, back up and assess things. Maybe you should stop giving her the money or making the payment…a little tough love?

I think, only you can actually weigh this out. If you are not married, you don’t owe her a thing. maybe, it’s time for girlfriend, to wake up and smell the cologne. Back off for a minute. It’s not a power play, if you take back your own control. See what I mean? It is your money, not hers. Imagine this, if you were not there, what would she do? Well, she’d have to live within her means, would she not? It may be a lesson to learn here. That is my gut reaction

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Something To Think On

Bless This Child

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

Bless This Child

Bless this child who’s beaten daily,much more than he can take
Bless this child who cries at night,his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs,no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still,a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young,too young,molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain,whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark,it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat,afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim,his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die,his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone,his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know,his story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you,a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own,make sure you show them love.

Aunt Babz

Guilt 101; Revisited

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Guilt Trip 101; Revisited

I invite you to read this post. It is the beginning of this quest, to work out family issues. This was some life long issues, that had gone on unchecked, unbridled and unresolved. When family love is truly right, it is unconditional and it sure doesn’t play mind games. But we get mixed up in the world and we forget what’s important; Family.

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Babs,

After i had written the letter, my sister took 2 days to respond because she had just returned from a cruise and was catching up on her paperwork…i don’t think it was hesitancy on her part.

Her response was short but rather nice, she told me that and i quote: ” don’t think for a minute that i don’t love you” and also that she will be visiting here where i am in May. Her title of her reply to me was : (regarding your wonderful letter!)

That was so nice but short but it made me feel very happy at the time and relieved.

I was quite worried that she wouldn’t respond or that she would think i was whacky for writing that kind of letter to her lol.

I did finally speak to her on the phone for a short couple of minutes upon calling my mother to wish her happy birthday. She was there giving my mom gifts.

I asked my Mom to speak to my sister and she said hello just like she always did in a casual way. I said to her that i got your e-mail and she said why did you write that and that i must have been very bored that day. Well that kind of threw me and i didn’t know what to say to her saying that. I kind of laughed and said without knowing what to say that i was just writing something nice to you and then i changed the subject and started asking about her kids. Then she had to go and answer her cell because of her husband calling her. She wasn’t mean but i think maybe she thought i have lost my mind lol. Oh well, at least i got to finally say to her in the letter how sorry i was for all the name calling and how family shouldn’t call each other hurtful names and how it really is wrong and hurts our feelings. I think she must have wondered if i was writing a suicide letter lol.

She was all business like but not mean but the comment about me being bored that day really made me think that she was probably thinking i need a life or something lol. Like i don’t have enough on my plate in my own life for her to figure out i don’t have time to be bored with my husband and my disabled son and worrying about his future, health etc.

Sometimes, i think maybe she just forgot how to love and appreciate family…i wonder if she even feels anything for me and her letter was just a “just being nice” letter.

I am feeling good about what i wrote though Babs and i am still glad that i sent it to her and i am taking back my power and i understand how sometimes we give that away to some people without even realizing it. And i don’t intend to let her pay for my airline tickets anymore even if she offers which i doubt she will do. I understand what you mean about it making her feel superior especially since she employs a lot of people in her office and is used to bossing people around and having them under her power so to speak.

I have come to terms with how it doesn’t matter to me whether she pays for other family members and not me or my family and doesn’t really care too much about me. She does have her own life and i have mine and we live in two different countries even though she comes here often to visit my other sister. I don’t know what will happen when she comes to visit in May next month. I don’t know if she will call me and invite me to come on over etc. She has bought some property here and is furnishing the home in May.

This has been a growing up and maturing in many ways experience for me and i am so glad that you have shown me the way to get where i am right now…thank you Babs.

It is not a quick fix but is a healing process for me with the guilt about the name calling of her and also i hope it touches something in her heart.

God only knows.

I love her but she is very, very different from me and i don’t think she and i will ever really be as close as she is with my other sister. As you said to me earlier, this letter could just be a temporary fix and that is that.

I am reclaiming the power i gave to her Babs and i have you to thank for helping me do that!

Love,

Janet.

>>>>>Email #2

Dear Babs,

I just read another e-mail my sister sent to me.

This one was quite positive…she said she hopes that we can get

together when she visits in May…and wrote Love, and her name at the end.

If only i didn’t have to deal with her husband who is totally obnoxious and on any given moment spits out mean comments directed to me when he is in the mood.

How do you deal with people who only have bad things to say about you such as him?

Anyways, bye for now Babs.

love,

Janet.

My Dearest Janet,
This is truly a step in the right direction and I am pleased. This didn’t happen over night and it’ll probably take a bit of time to fix it. You planted seeds. You can bet your sister is thinking. You made her think and you may her look at this whole scenario. It will warm her heart. But your sister is not that woman from long ago, so anything you get is a gift. We must maintain that approach and carry that information in our pocket…anything is a gift!

I am so glad you wrote her and I know, without a doubt it was one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. The issue was really not what you’d done years ago but how she had treated you, basically less than. But if we went back and tried to find the root of that evil, we see some childhood hard feelings. We all have them and we can only rise above it, right? But life is way to short for the bullshit, isn’t it? I mean really, you could both die, never having said how you really feel, for what good reason; Pride? Stubbornness? Who’s right or wrong?

If we begin to live our lives, like we have no time left and say what needs to be said, a whole lot more would be done and it would be said. If we thought what it would be like, to be handed a death sentence, like I was back in 1998, we’d begin to view things and people, relationships and love in a whole different light.

Life runs by, so very quickly, doesn’t it? I mean it was just yesterday, you guys were Easter egg hunting together, you and your sisters or riding bikes, eating dinner together. Now look at you, all grown up and you forgot that sense of what family is really all about. You tippy toed around your sister, for whatever reason, because she built up walls and only let you in with a simple plane ticket, her control mechanism. She could show that she could still care but keep you at a distance and still keep the wall up. So, you’ve gone after that wall with The Letter.
That wall will begin to come down, little by little because you humbled yourself, figured out what was really important and sent that letter. I know you humbled yourself. For this, I applaud you and I wish their was a trophy that you could look at every day. See, my concern was for your growth in this. You’ve shown this and I knew it was all you could do to write that letter to that undeserving sister. But she is your sister and the secret to life is family, love and laughter. That’s it and that’s all. So, you have stepped up to bat, in that nasty game and you swung and you did your part for the team; Family. If you died tomorrow, you can say you tried, right? And that’s what it’s all about; letting those around us know how we feel and letting them know they are and were loved.

The Brother-in-Law

Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt! Put it on every single day, when you get up and dressed for the day and wear it proudly. This fellow and many like him, had to exude confidence. In his world, it is survival of the fittest, prey or be preyed upon. Seriously, you must exude confidence. He can feel, maybe even smell your lack of that confidence around him.Doctors are especially guilty of this. They are held in such high esteem that they forget they are not gods. Not all of them are like this but to get where they got, they sure had to show the fortitude to be confident. You can be handed a college education but you can not get a degree with just money, well, in 95% of those that must pass the tests and so on. I’m sure you get my point. So, here’s the lowly Janet, sitting in the same room as the Doctor/god. You walk in the room and there he is, smug and crass, just chomping at the bit to show you just how brilliant he is and how brilliant you are not. But you’ve got on your handy dandy Bitch Belt. It repels bugs and asshole’s alike.

There are two kinds of people in this
world;

1. Deep Feelers
2. Surface Living
   

Us Deep Feelers, have a harder time in life but we’re more aware. We seem to go through more, trials and tribulations while the surface people seem to skate through life, unscathed. They often fall into shit, come out smelling like roses and look good doing it.
Some of us have to evolve and reinvent ourselves. After you’ve had your face mashed in the mud, you learn to rise above it, learn from it’s grit and pain and move on. You had your face all muddy. You wiped it off, long enough to write a letter and that took guts.I’d rather be you, than your sister, any day. I know, without a doubt, that you are an extremely caring person, a deep feeler. I’m sorry to say it but your sister is a Surface person. You two are different and always will be. She may look like she’s living a charmed life but in reality, you are the one who’s really living, feeling, loving. Why do you think that God placed one of His most precious creations, a handicapped child, in your care? Because you are a deep feeler and He knew you’d both learn from it. It is a blessing, in disguise, believe it or not. Trust me.

“An undisciplined and untrained child, is an orphan.”

My own Mother spoke those words to me, after I cried out about all of my hardships. I could not understand why I had to go through so much. But God was teaching me and prepping me for the real things in life. I know this now but I sure did struggle and still do. But I wipe off the mud, pick myself up, put on my bitch belt and exude that confidence. It is a confidence, only afforded those of us who have truly lived, been rode hard, put away wet. But we’re the ones with the real brass ring; we learned the secret to life…love, laughter, family.

Here’s your brass ring Janet!!

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:05 AM 1 comments Links to this post

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Family Advice

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