You See???

Saturday, June 27, 2009

You See???

Dear Aunt B,

So I went to my cousin’s wedding today and I saw this really cute guy. I kept looking at him and so did my friend. We were talking and I called him hot then me and my friend hurried away. He followed us around and stuff in the halls and we didn’t mind. He was like tickling us and it was fun and I think I really like him. So my friend got caught and had to sit upstairs with her parents and me and this boy kissed a few times until i had to go upstairs. He has my number and we’ve been texting but I don’t think he like likes me….I really don’t know. I’m confused because I really like him…

Help??

Sincerely,

ShyandSecluded

Dear ShyandSecluded,

Lol… okay, I am laughing a little at the shy & secluded bit, because this situation sounds pretty bold!!

At any rate, the situation you have now is probably a good one. For all intent and purpose, this texting relationship is the slow-get-t-know ride that will help you decide if you actually do like this guy, or were merely attracted to his looks.

As for him, who knows if he likes you, maybe that is why he is texting you. I’d pretty much say he does to the point of being interested in you, because guys generally don’t text/write/call if they are just not that into you.

Keep up the texting, and see where it leads

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra

Dearest ShyandSecluded,

Well, suffice it to say, I am not a mind reader but it’s not Rocket Science to see that he followed you, kissed you and more importantly took your number and texts you.

My advice to you is pretty simple and something, words you might always use;
Lay out the situation in your mind, lay out the journey you want to take and envision it, the how to’s the what have’s and how you might arrive at your intended destination. In simpler terms; If it is your goal to further this relationship with this or any other fella, you must simply think of a way to make it happen. Be so bold and say what needs to be said to get what you want.

The important part of this is even simpler…envision any and all possible responses to any question you might need an answer to. In other words, if you are going to ask him out, let’s say, you think about all possible answers he might give you. He might very well be shy and evasive, right? Well, then you might make it easier for him by breaking the ice and inviting him to something, i.e., the movies, skating, even out for ice cream. Simpler yet, how about meeting at the park or even somewhere more neutral, as in where there are lots of people, possibly the Mall and no room for uncomfortable situations.

The essence of my advice is for you to think of all possible answers to any question you might pose to him. This gives you the benefit of bracing yourself for any let down you might come across therefore bolstering yourself and possibly taking away any of the sting in the mix.

For real though, if you set yourself up for a fall, meaning if you ask him, in a bold fashion any question but you’ve already looked at all the possibilities, any and all answers he might give and learn not to take them personal, then you’ll have the program down pat. The point being that, take note, if he tells you NO to any question or invite, you must not take it personal because it just wasn’t meant to be. You See???

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 12:56 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Boldly Being, Dating Dilemma’s

The Strong One

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x

Dear Love struck and Unsure x,

The first thing that comes to my mind is to tell you to never change who you are to please anybody. Now, there’s not a thing wrong with brightening up the package but I encourage you to continue to be you.

As well, I see nothing wrong with you liking this guy, even if his Dad is dating your Mum. I don’t encourage it for a few reasons though. For one, if your Mum breaks up with his Dad, it may make it hard on you, on your relationship. And just as it might go the other way, where as your Mum might become serious with this fella, that scenario as well could present problems.

What I mean is the fact that if your Mum were to marry this guy, the guy you like would then become your step-brother. Then, it might be frowned upon because he then becomes family. It is not the first time this has happened and in fact, before my own step-brother became family because his Dad married my Mom, I had a crush on him. It then made it pretty weird and I no longer pursued anything more than friendship.

So these are a few things you should consider. Think it through and remember “there are millions of fish in the sea.” What that means is that I would encourage you to realize that there are so many guys in the world for you to choose from, maybe you should not get involved with this one?

Now, if you feel you absolutely must because, as you said, “I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate.,” you’ll have to keep in mind that this could open a whole can of worms, possibly making it difficult for all those involved. This is a decision only you can weigh or make.

The next thing I want to address is that you called yourself, “Frigid.” I think you are far from that, I can just tell. I happen to believe that you were just not interested in any one guy up to this point. So don’t be so hard on yourself.

Girls your age are often more mature than guys your age. It’s a fact that for the most part, girls mature quicker than boys, too. But it’s a truly wonderful age, one I enjoyed myself. I can also remember being sooooo in love with a certain guy and then the next week, viewing him as a complete dork and I’d wonder what did I ever see in him. Mark my words, you’ll find yourself in the same situation.

At this age, you can be quite wishy washy, in love one minute, out of love the next. It’s normal. Hormones run rampant and it’s usually a time of exploration. You want to experience everything, especially what is considered “adult” stuff. And at 13 you find yourself wanting to be all grown up.

But being all grown up comes with so many disadvantages. If I could give you any advice it would be to not rush things. At this age, you already feel grown up, you might even believe you know it all. I know I did and I rushed towards doing all the adult things, if you will; Sex, Drugs and all the things that are supposed “adult” things.

I wrote about it here and I hope you will take the time to read it;

“Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life”

Growing up sucks, being an adult is so over rated. I implore you to at least read my answer to another teen as is a bit part of my story.

I can tell that you are a wonderful young lady, bright and bubbly, a bit misunderstood but one who stands firmly if you believe in something strongly enough. Yes, you are still a bit of a tomboy, so am/was I and I encourage you, as I stated before, to just be you.

Normally, you are never concerned with what people think of you. Suddenly because you like this guy, you want to change who you are. Be yourself at all times.

I see that right now, you are not sure who you are. You are still trying to figure this out. Let me tell you what I see;

(In the Zone)

“I see a young girl who has extremely strong values and beliefs. You are pretty and this is not even an ‘Ugly Duckling’ story. You can be hard on yourself which is good if it is about getting things done, i.e. homework and such. It is bad if you continue to be so harsh about your own looks. You have to keep in mind that right now, it is an awkward stage/age. You will grow out of all this and become the beauty that you can not see just yet. Continue to stand for the ‘underdog’ as you tend to do. All this will serve you later. You as well as your life will be successful if you do not lose track of what is important. I can see that if you fall into the pattern of putting things off, it will catch you un-awares. I can also see that you will have a problem with addiction if you do not say ‘NO’ loud and clear. Be proud that you march to a different drummer. You will always be the one your peers look up to if you continue to be strong. You are a leader, even though you can not see it. They do/will look up to you and you must be the strong one. See, you will and can affect so many lives if you use this strong backbone that you do/will have. If you remember that they are watching and looking to you for answers, if you continue to think things through before you do, it will serve you all the days of your life. It will also help countless others.“

You have so much to offer and you must remember this!
Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

_popupControl();

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

Dear Aunt Babz,

Has your mom ever annoyed you soooo much you want to runaway?

Dear Reader,

To answer your question; she sure did and I did run away!

My Dad was/is a Lt.Colonel but it was my Mom who was the Drill Sergeant. She was a taskmaster and I thought she was just being mean. She made me keep my room immaculate and I had to do dishes and clean the house, do laundry and on and on. I can remember thinking, “I’m not the maid here. Slave labor was abolished.” I realize now, that she was teaching me life skills, a good work ethic and strong, sturdy personal habits. If I had only seen this, things may have been different.

I was always in trouble and spent most of my childhood, mainly my teen years on restriction; no phone, no going out. I had to stay in the house. I’m not talking a day or two, I’m talking weeks, months of restriction to the house.

We have a wonderful relationship now but back then it was real bad.I hated my Mom and I believed she hated me. She was so hard on me and when I messed up, I was then restricted. I was convinced she truly could not stand me. I was always getting in trouble, always doing something stupid and I had criminal behaviors, even then. I gave my Mom, a run for her money. I was real good at being bad and did not pay attention in school. Who the heck needs to learn about how to spell or fractions and junk. I wanted them to stop wasting my time because I knew it all.

I stole her Cadillac at the tender age of 14, in an attempt at running away. I was headed to Ocean City, Md., I lived in Virginia. I went across state lines and was caught, in Maryland. I was then fingerprinted and charged by the F.B.I. with Interstate Transportation.
That was not the last time I ran away. The very last time, Miss Know It All, was 16. I ended up getting pregnant. Running away from home, changed my life forever. There was never, any turning back and I had made those choices, me and me alone.

Looking In The Mirror

I wanted to be all grown up. What I didn’t realize was, along with being all grown up, came responsibilities. I can look back now and laugh about how ridiculous I was. I am able to see now, just how badly I blew things out of proportion, just how badly I blew up my life. I didn’t want to be told what to do because I thought I, she’s just being mean. I didn’t realize she was teaching me but you couldn’t tell me that. I had no real understanding of what being an adult, really entailed. I thought I could take care of myself, after all, how hard could it really be? I immediately found that I couldn’t even get a job without my parents signature on the work permission slip. Even if I had not needed a permission to work slip, do you really think I could have found a job, at 14 or even 16, that would have paid me enough to live on my own? I had no real skills but I knew it all. Nobody hires “Know It Alls,” simply because they say so, huh? So, what’s a girl to do in a big mean world of big mean people just waiting to take advantage of you?
I thought I was in love. This guy was taking care of me. He had me living with him and he bought my food and so on. Did I practice safe sex? Nope and I never thought “I” would get pregnant. Now, how stupid is that? Girls have been getting pregnant since the dawn of time. It’s a fact, the simple rule of the birds and the bees. I was immature enough to think I was all grown up and knew it all. Yet, I couldn’t even understand the very concept of how, when you have sex, you get pregnant. It’s as elementary as it gets but why didn’t I believe it could or would happen to me? When you get pregnant it changes your life and oh yes Lord, you will have to grow up. But not before you learn it all the hard way. Your childhood is ripped out of your hands and you get what you want; you are all grown up. All the crying in the world won’t change a damn thing either. You can cry because you can’t go out anymore because you now have to stay home with a baby. You can cry because you just flushed your chances of going to college down the crapper, much less graduating high school with the rest of your class. You can cry because your baby won’t stop crying, even though it’s been fed, changed, cuddled and it’s still crying and it’s the middle of the night. What do you do…call Mommy?
So, you do the right thing, you get married to a guy you later realize you never loved, not in the sense of the Prince Charming you dreamed about. You fight all the time because you really didn’t know each other in the first place and you are not really compatible but you stay with him because now, you are pregnant again. Who’s going to give a job to some young girl with a kid and one on the way. You don’t even have your High School diploma because you were pregnant and didn’t graduate. Why won’t they hire you, you know it all? So, you cook and clean and try to be the good little wife and here comes baby #3 and you are happy but you hate your life and you stand there, in front of the mirror and watch in horror as your body gets stretched and distorted. Your pretty breasts are no longer youthful, you are covered in stretch marks and the circles under your eyes betray you.
Mrs. Know It All didn’t sleep again last night. The oldest child is sick with a fever and threw up all over his bedding and it’s the only set of Sesame Street sheets you own for him. So, you put him in your bed, put his sheets in the wash and then he throws up all over your sheets and child #2 just woke up because child #1 is crying because he’s sick. You’re not feeling so good yourself and you just want to cry. Next thing you know, you have two in diapers, you have this pouch that hangs at your stomach and you are standing in front of the mirror and you question, how the hell it all happened. You have stretch marks on your breasts and they just don’t stand up like they used to. You don’t have time to even contemplate it too much cause now baby #3 is crying and needs fed. You go to pick him up and he’s pooped up the back of his chair and you’ll have to clean that before you can put him back down but don’t trip over all the toys on the floor. Those damn Lego’s are the most painful, especially in the middle of the night, when you least expect it. You are so tired after cleaning up, chasing kids, doing laundry, cooking dinner, feeding the kids and you climb into bed, at the end of the night exhausted. The hubby wants to be frisky cause that’s what they do. So, you lay there, tired and feeling half dead and let a man who you really don’t love, make love to you. You just hope he’ll hurry so you can get some sleep.

So, you stand in front of the mirror again, years later and you ask yourself, “What the hell happened?”
Now, you get them all into school and you keep thinking how you want to get out of the house, maybe get a part-time job. They ask you, “Well, Mrs. Know It All, what skills do you possess, besides knowing it all, that will cause me to hire you?”
Nothing is more humbling than when you realize, that even at McDonald’s you have to be trained and that may be the only job I might be given the chance to shine?
Years go by, you feel empty inside. You are tired of your life and you want a change. You leave your husband, take his children and start out on your own. You find yourself in the same stupid mess, needing help. You meet another loser and tell yourself you are in love. He’s abusive but you feel stuck. He cripples you with his abuse and you cry in silence. He drinks and you start just to get on the same page and tolerate him. You try drugs to shut out the noise and they work, so you think. You keep slipping further and further into the lies, just so you don’t have to feel the mess you’ve created by your choices. Now, you’re addicted and those children you love so much become last on your list of important things to take care of. You never stopped loving them but you had more important things to do. You have an addiction to feed, an angry addiction.
You look in the mirror and you see a woman, old before her time. Mrs. Know It All, has track marks on her arms and hates herself so badly that she no longer wants to live. But who wants to waste good heroin on killing yourself? It’s when you don’t have it and you are so sick, that you want to die. You look at yourself, a shell of a person, a waste of skin, waste of life. And you wonder what happened?

Mrs. Know It All then became a number OF6708. She couldn’t look in the mirror from her Prison cell. She might kill herself with the glass. She was so glad she couldn’t see herself but could only imagine just how pathetic she looked. She sure didn’t know it all now. She sure wished she could turn back the hands of time but there’s no such thing. There were no tears left for her to cry as they humbled her with their strip searches and indignities.
What she became aware of, what she did learn was that she had choices all along, from the very beginning. It took a lifetime to learn. It almost took her life.

Choices

You have choices in every single minute of every day. Your story is different but I think you just need some coping skills. If your Mom tells you to do something and you question it, you need to look at why she may be asking you to do that something. You need to talk to her. If the lines of communication are down in your house, build new ones. If you think something is unfair, ask her why she is asking you to do whatever it is, she’s asking. Ask without an attitude and you just might not be met, with an attitude. Remember that your Mom is human, she’s only a woman trying to be your Mom, that ain’t easy. Ask yourself what is she trying to teach you instead of thinking she’s being mean. Write her a letter and explain how you feel and ask her to explain. Never forget what it would like without your Mom, you’ll never have another and you’ll never find the same love a mother has, for her daughter. If things are strained, don’t run, try to work it out. What choices do you have, to make things better? Make the right choice, please?

Yes, Mrs. Know It All was me. My name now, is… Mz.Babs Humbled.

Keeping It Really Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Attraction

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x

Dear Love Struck and Unsure,

I would like to address the first question you have, is it wrong to like the son of the guy your mother is dating. The answer to that, is no. Attraction is something that is different from action, and we are attracted to multiple things about a person, regardless of a situation. It is perfectly healthy to be attracted to this boy, he is not your relative and he is of your age group, you two are likely hanging out and getting to know each other, it is completely normal.

But for the second part of your question, should you do anything about this attraction? The answer to that, in my opinion, is no. And here is why: this guy could end up being your step-brother. That is something that you really want to take a look at. Not just because it would be hard to explain to people (and trust me, you would eventually) but because it will make things very difficult at home. You are incredibly young, and things like young relationships come and go. Have you thought about what would happen if the two of you didn’t work out, then you had to live with him still?? These are big decisions, and ones that take a lot more maturity than you need to use at this point in your life. IF your respective parents break up, then this would be a much different answer. But your parents’ relationship is a major factor here, which I know seems rather unfair (why should it have anything to do with you?) but given your age and the circumstances, it does matter.

I want to talk to you a little bit about your confidence level though. I kind of have the feeling that you are more interested in this guy because you are feeling comfortable with him. Which is great (getting to know a person before getting romantically involved), but don’t assume that no other boy has taken an interest in you. You are 13, and boys in your age range are funny creatures. They sometimes react and act like complete idiots, and sometimes treat you like crap when they really like you. Or, they might just ignore you completely if they “really really” like you. It is crazy, and silly, and you damn near need to be a psychic sometimes when it comes to how and why a guy decides to take a certain “approach”, but don’t write them all off because you haven’t noticed them noticing you.

Also, about his dressing “sexy” thing…. Sure, dressing provocatively will gain you some attention, but is it really the attention that you want? What I mean by this, is that a girl who gets a guy because they dress cheap will be treated cheap. A girl, who gets a guy because of her intelligence, will be treated with intelligence. Be the girl you want to be, and expect the treatment that you exude. There is nothing wrong with presenting yourself well, but there is something wrong with letting it all hang out in a disrespectful to you manor. Tune into your own self, and only dress how YOU feel comfortable. And if that is all tight topped and short skirts, then that is fine (although you can expect your parents to think negatively about it!). But if you are a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, then stay true to yourself.

I really do feel for your situation, I know that you like this boy and want to let him know. But really think about your situation… the fact that you would feel it a necessity to keep your feelings (and thus your relationship) a secret from your mother, sister and his father should be a very clear indicator that something isn’t right about it. When something is right, you know it and you can rest easily knowing that if others knew the truth you would be okay with that.

I know this wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, and I know the next little while will be tough, but you can get through this and will. Take care of yourself, respect yourself, and be sure that there is another guy out there.

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Expensive Endeavor

Dear Aunt Babz,

I’m 14, i have met someone on-line…i feel love for him.
It may not be all real love but still i have never felt this way about anyone before. I would do anything for him. He is allowed to visit me in my country
My parents will not let me see him…i cry…no matter how much i say no danger will happenn they assume the worst. I cant see a way to make them think other wise..please help me..?
I beg.

Dear Anonymous,

A few things that you have not mentioned in your e-mail are picking at the back of my head. You don’t mention how old this other person is, and given that you are only 14 this is a BIG point to omit. I am guessing that he is much older though, otherwise how would he have the funds to visit you “in your country”. That is an expensive endeavor no matter if the countries are not far apart.

So, given that, I will advise you the way that I would hope my daughter would precede should this situation happen to her.

I would suggest that if this person is of your age group, to ask your parents to meet with him as well as you. Making the meetings with your parents will help to alleviate their fears, and will maintain a safe environment for you. Most parents wouldn’t let their 14 year old daughter out without meeting the boy; this is the job of a parent to ensure the safety of their child. They are not being overbearing in this, try to understand they love you and want nothing wrong to happen. Chaperoned visits for the first little while wouldn’t hurt. This decision may not be made because the person you wish to meet as a boyfriend is from the internet, but because at the age of 14, a parent wants to know the people their child associates with. I know when I was growing up my mom insisted on knowing who I was hanging around with, and with my first boyfriend all get-togethers were at either his place or mine, chaperoned by either set of parents. They would give us space in the house after the first few dates, but they wanted to know that we were being sensible, while also “measuring up” the person we were with.

I would also advise you to not meet with this person alone. No matter what the feelings you have for him, you should never put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. You may know him very well, and he may not be dangerous at all. BUT, being cautious is never a bad idea, and is far better to be safe than sorry.

Now, if this guy is much older than you (and he may be lying to you about his age. Not something that you want to hear, but you need to be realistic here) I would hope that you realise your parents worry is very warranted. Age does matter significantly when you are 14, try to understand the worry that comes when an adult is courting your teen-aged daughter. Put on top of that that he is not from your area, and is chatting with you on-line, it is a rational worry. And you should most definitely play it safe.

There are millions of stories out there to make us fear meeting with people from the web, but the ones that have “happy endings” also have caution to guide them. You can ask anyone who has met a person from the net, that they met in a very neutral place with safe guards in place. And, for the most part, these people (who have had a good outcome) are adults. You need to realize that you are still very young, there are predators out there, and you need to be careful.

Please talk to your parents, ask them if they would be willing to meet with your internet friend. Tell them that you respect their wishes, but would still like to just meet this guy, and you know that meeting him with your parents would be the safe and amicable solution.

Your parents may or may not agree to this meeting, but what do you have to lose? Ultimately you need to try and understand that your parents are trying to protect you. Listen to them, try to talk to them, and stay safe.

Good luck, and let us know what your parents decided.

~Xmichra.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Box of Laughter Smiles and Love

Dear Aunt Babz,

Ok I really need your helps..I really like this boy..he’s the cousin of my cousin but it doesn’t mean that he’s my cousin.I reeeeeaaaaaaaally like him so much.I can’t stop thinking about him!I can’t ask him out I’m so shy so I told my friends and others to do it and they all said that he said no so I heard him told one of my friend yes but I should ask him.So when I asked him he said no!!!Why???I’m so confused,depressed,sad,and desperate!!!He’s really my inspiration!Everybody think that he’s ugly but for me he’s so so cute!

Hey Friend,

I will sure do what I can to help . Well, you said you asked him, correct? And he said no, right? As for why he said no, I do not know. I’m going to be completely 100% honest with you, he may have been a little uncomfortable with your friends asking him what he thought of you before you asked him. It can sometimes be confusing how some people react and what they say, and it can be sad. However, being desperate can also sometimes scare some people off. I understand you are shy, believe me I completely understand that, but if you start talking to him, just saying “hi”, and “how are you”, you’ll get to know him, and you’ll become less and less shy around him the more you talk to him. You’ll get to know him and maybe become a couple, or at the worst be friends, and maybe later you’ll become a couple. Just remember that everything takes time.

I hope to have given you a little help, and I hope it all works out great for you. Take care. Peace.

mb3

Dear Reader,

If a guy is cute to you, then that’s all that matters. Never base your thoughts or reasoning on what other people think. This is especially true when it comes to peer pressure; always do what you know is right and follow your heart.

Now, this guy was probably embarrassed at least that’s what I think but I bet he likes you. Don’t be or act desperate. I agree with mb3, your behavior may have scared him off. Never be desperate, ok?

I have the sneaking suspicion that if you take it easy, one minute at a time, that this guy, once he gets to know you will see just how sweet you really are. You are a very genuine person, a loyal friend and a good listener (very important) but you must learn some restraint, some discipline when it comes to your heart.

The sun does not rise and set on this guy but his smile may be the most wonderful thing you’ve ever seen. So, be you without the “I have to have it/him now” attitude, learn some patience and practice looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are worth it for some special guy. Maybe it’s not this guy but a certain guy will come along who is all that and a box of laughter, smiles and love.

One more thing; I would really be pleased if you would do two things for me. For starters, do your homework and read some of the posts I have on Empowerment as I really think you could be a powerhouse of a young woman once you learn to be assertive. Secondly, write me when you meet the right guy…he’s not that far away…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

“Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls”

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Virtual Scorecard

Hi Aunt B,

I am 14 and I really like this guy he’s so cute. He wants to have sex and when we go places he always wants me to go some place else and he tries to fool around. I told him no but he just smiles and feels me up and stuff. I laugh but I am nervous really bad. I worry he will get me in a place. I worry he will push me to have sex. What can I say to him or tell him. I am scared and really worried cause I don’t have birth control. I think I love him and I don’t want him to leave me for some girl who will do it. What can I do?I tried to find some things you might have wrote about it but couldn’t find it. I wish you were my Mom cause I’d be able to talk to you. My Mom will only yell at me. I need your help please? Is mb3 a guy? Is he cute or your son? I think he’s a guy right? Maybe he can tell me? I hope so and I thank you aunt b. I know you are busy and all but I hope you can find time to write for me.

Chianna

Dear Chianna,

Hi, how are you? Well, first thing, don’t go anywhere with him alone, I mean where there are no people. Also, don’t let him force you into anything you’re not comfortable doing. He needs to respect that. He needs to respect you saying no. But you know, there are plenty of guys out there that will respect your desires. They will not try to force you into anything. This guy sounds like he just wants sex, not so much a relationship. You can do better than him, and you deserve better than him. I know it will be hard losing him, and I know it will be hard seeing him with somebody else, but do you really want to be with somebody that doesn’t respect you? Somebody that seems to only want to be with you for sex? I mean, you deserve somebody who will respect you. And, yes I am a guy. I think I’m pretty cute , and no, I’m not Aunt B’s son. But I do hope to have helped a bit, take care. Peace. mb3

Dear Chianna,

I thank you for writing and I do apologize for the delay. I hope nothing has happened since you first wrote to me.Somehow your letter was deleted and I happened to find it while I was looking for another thing I deleted.

I only have a couple things to say on top of what mb3 has already stated. First, just to let you know that most guys, especially in the teen years, well all they do is think about sex. A study showed that men think of sex at least every 90 minutes. I’ve not read about teen young men but I’d be willing to bet it’s more often than that.

However, just because they think about it does not mean that you must give in to their advances. Now, I’m not saying your guy is like this but a lot of guys have a virtual scorecard as to how many chicks they can sleep with. They sleep with them and toss them to the side. Don’t be one of those on the scorecard.

Believe it or not, a lot of those guys will bed you down and the reason they toss you to the side is for several reasons. Most of them immediately lose respect for you. Yea, now they see you as easy, a slut, just another score on that card. Sex is overrated and once it’s done it’s done, meaning once you’ve allowed it to happen you can never take it back or the experience.

Your first time with a man should be a memorable event. It should be where you’ve made love not made sex like a wild gorilla. And there is a distinct difference between making love and having sex.

More importantly, every time you sleep with some guy, even with a condom on, you take the chance of several things happening; getting pregnant, getting a disease, getting a reputation. So what I am saying is that you hold out and hold on to your rep. If he can’t wait and respect your wishes to wait, first to get to a place where you know it’s love, if he can’t respect how you feel, he’s just another punk on the make.
Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

“Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls”

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Slice of Guilt Pie

Dear Aunt B.,

I am writing to you seeking advice on two different guys. The first one is a guy that I work with who I will refer to as Mr. A…He is 29 and has 3 kids (I’m 18 with no children) and a while ago he asked for my number and told me he liked me and stuff…..Well after we had been talking for a while he told me that I shouldn’t get too attached because he’s too old for me, but he wouldn’t mind if we fooled around! After that little hint I just tried to back off and let things go, because I’m not that type of girl……..However, about a week ago a friend of mine introduced me to this other guy who is 19 and childless, who I will call Mr. R…….we hit it off really well at first and he asked me out on a date. Well Mr. A called me that night and one of my sisters told him I was on a date…..so later that night at around 3 AM he starts texting and calling me saying that he really does want to date me but he doesn’t want to put all his baggage on my shoulders!!! So he asked me out on a date and I told him I’d let him know later in the week……..two days later he saw my older sister at her job and asked her out on a date!!!!!!! I don’t know if i really have the right to be as upset as I really am, because it’s not like he’s my boyfriend or anything, but to go after my sister was just plain cruel!!! At this point I don’t know if I should avoid him at work or just be cordial with him…because I know if he wanted to he could make me miserable at work!
Now the second guy, Mr. R is really sweet and very respectful, but the problem is that his ex dumped him a little over a week ago and she seems to come up in almost all of our conversations!!!! It gets pretty uncomfortable, but I almost feel like it would be rude to say something about it…..I really like him, but I don’t know if or how I can help him get over his ex!
ANY advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Romantic

Dear Hopelessly Romantic,

Okay, I will answer in the realm of the two guys. #1 is the 29 w kids, #2 is the 19 without kids.

Bachelor #1 – does have baggage. But even more so you work with him (and if you work FOR him, this is very much harassment) and as a general rule of thumb it’s a good idea to not date people you work with for this exact reason. At any rate, he is 10 years older then you and has responsibilities that you have no experience with yet. He will have bills, credit, possibly a mortgage, and kids to deal with. You do not have any of those things yet, and at 18 you have a lot of time to think about getting to that point in your life. So definitely slow down.

How to deal with #2 – tell him that you don’t think that it is a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Explain that you want to stay friends, and even if it wasn’t for the work thing you are simply not ready to deal with three kids and all the responsibilities that he has. If he is a complete asshole, he will make your life difficult anyways. But if he really is a good guy he will realize that you are just trying to be honest about the situation and don’t want anyone getting hurt.

Bachelor #2 – this guy was JUST dumped. It wasn’t his choice (hence the term dumped) so he’s likely to feel hurt still. How long him and his ex dated will affect how long he will feel sorta bad too… I mean if it was like a month long thing then I am sure he will snap out of it rather fast and he just needs to deal with the dumping part (no one likes to be rejected) but if it was like a year relationship it’s going to take some time. He is vulnerable and leery, as you would be. So give him some time to get over the ex and the ex dumping him. But you can always say something encouraging swaying how he talks with you about his ex. saying something like “I know that you were hurt, but I am not her. And I was thinking it might be a positive thing right now if we could focus on having a good time, maybe it would help you get over the loss.” See how something like that goes over. If he is totally depressed then he will blow you off… so be careful not to sound like you are being defensive of your own qualities or that you are making the ex sound like a bitch. He may still have feelings for her, and that is understandable.

Hope that did you some good!

Good Luck!

~Xmichra~

Dear Hopelessly Romantic,

In case you’ve not read it here, some of my other posts, I’ll inform you that I have what I like to call the gift of Intuition, ok? I got the Willy’s when I read about this guy that asked your sister out. For some reason, I think he’s nothing but trouble and yes, you should just steer clear of him. Tell your Sis not to go out with him either, alright?

You have that dude at a clear disadvantage though and I’d use it if need be. If he approaches you again, you simply/calmly tell him that you’d thought about going out with him till he went behind your back and asked your sister out. You tell him that it was rather hurtful and you walk away. Leave him with a slice of guilt pie which may very well cause him to feel badly enough to leave you alone. Hopefully, huh?

Even if Mr. A has the ability to make your life a living hell at work, you also have a trump card up your sleeve. There are unwritten rules governing this universe and he has to know that he broke a major one. Only an idiot could say they didn’t know that you don’t ask out a family member or best friend of a girl/guy of someone you may have dated or fed a line to. And yes, Mr. A is full of lines and bullshit. But you already know this, don’t you?

The very first time he approaches you, if he even looks at you, you’ve got to have your game face on and wear your Bitch Belt. I think he did you dirty by doing what he did and I think you have reason to feel upset at his cruel and insensitive game. So, you’ve got to remember this as well as the fact that you’d done nothing wrong. So, I would use the slice of guilt pie approach as I said before. I truly do not believe that this hurt you but I do know it pissed you off. But I’d make him think that it was hurtful and hope he goes away feeling like the piece of shit that he is.

Concerning Mr. R; It’s never a real good idea to date a guy that’s just been dumped. There’s that good ol’ “rebound effect” along with all the other games people play. Even if he has the best of intentions, he may not be able to help talking and feeling all kinds of emotion. He may have just been wounded and might need time to get over this. You might say something like,”You seem to be a bit overwhelmed by your break-up as you keep bringing it up. Do you need time to sort out your feelings?” By saying it like this, it’ll look as if you’re only bringing up the obvious without actually saying that it bothers you for him to continually speak about her. I know it would bug me but you might need to reason with the fact that he’s not really had time to “get over” her.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Fight Potion #7

Dear Aunt B,

There is this girl, Samantha, 2 grades below me and she seriously hates me. Okay so this is how it all started: I was going out with this guy named connor, and she liked him at the same time. I wasn’t obsessed with connor, but idk i guess i liked him. So she was determined to break us up. So she created this ridiculous and embarassing text message about me and showed it to him when she was hanging out with him and a bunch of people at the movies. Apparently he didn’t believe it because thats what he told me. Samantha is friends with my friends so i dont know what to so, like should i do something back? Should i ignore her? And apparently she wants to “fight” me. I dont fight because i dont think it solves anything i dont feel like being at war with this 12 year old. She has connections to some pretty scary people and i dont want to get involved with her. And her friend Chynna is going out with my best friend Nick. She also hates me, because she thinks i like Nick, which i dont. So there are two girls, again both younger than me that hate me and idk what they are going to do next, what should i do?

Hey There,

Oh no, she shouldn’t hate you! Hate’s not cool! Well, first thing, yeah, don’t fight her. Kids these days, and you said she’s got some scary connections, if you fight her, she’s going to bring her little clique with her and they’ll most likely jump in against you. And plus, she’s two grade’s younger than you, that’s not going to look good for you no matter what. And plus, like you said, fighting doesn’t really solve anything. Well, you said she’s 12, and two grades younger than you. So I’m guessing she’s in about 7th grade, and you’re in 9th?

IF you two go to the same school right now, and I don’t know that you do, but if you do, you two will likely be at different schools soon. But that’s in the long run, for now, there’s still quite a ways left in school. And, people forget things. And if/when it gets proven that she made up those text messages, and you say it doesn’t bother you, then she comes out to be the mean person in this. Of course she’ll deny it, but for one thing the pressure will be on her when people start asking her about it, and she’ll get caught up in one of her lies eventually. You see what I’m saying? And meanwhile, while she’s trying to explain to people why she lied, you won’t have any explaining to do about anything, because you never did anything wrong in the first place (ie starting rumors about her, fighting, etc;).

That’s another thing, don’t start rumors about her either. That doesn’t turn out well ever. And for the rumors that she started, I already said how people will forget about them. But also, as long as your good friends know the truth about you, it’s not as bad if the people that believe these rumors are people you don’t even know.

You’re not going out with Connor anymore right? Well, you can’t do anything about it, but she should really apologize, but it’s not like you can force her to. And plus, if you don’t even go out with him anymore, I don’t get why she would want to fight you still. I know that it’s frusterating that she created the rumor about you with her text message, but really there’s nothing much you can do about it. You said Samantha hates you, and that’s a life lesson kind of, because no matter what, not everybody’s going to like you, even if it’s just for the sake of not liking you.

There’s really nothing you can do about her creating that text, because she already created it. If/when somebody asks you about it, you tell the truth, and that’s that she made it up. It will pass over time though, I promise . And for your friend Nick and his girl Chynna; Unfortunatly she’ll bad mouth you to Nick, that’s inevitable.

But a couple different things this could work out good for you. One is that since you and Nick are best friends, she’ll bad mouth you enough to him that he’ll get sick of her talking bad about his best friend (you) and dump her, especially if you don’t constantly talk bad about her. And two is, well, he’s your best friend, so he shouldn’t ever turn on you and leave with her. As long as you and Nick know there’s nothing between you two, then you should be ok. And maybe just try to be cool with Chynna, talk to her, maybe you’ll get along.

Ok, the last thing you wrote was that you’re concerned about what they might do next. That’s tough because people are unpredictable. There is no reason for them to do anything. Especially Samantha, because you’re not with Conner anymore (right?). If you are afraid of what they’ll do, there’s no shame in going to your parents, and telling them that you’re a little frightened, the only problem there is if kids find out, then they’ll possibly give you a hard time. Which is unfortunate, but kids can be cruel.

I would suggest not trying to fight them or anything, don’t do anything that would give them a reason to want to do something to you. They’re a couple years younger than you so I’m thinking if you just try to ignore them, they might forget about you. Of course, not Chynna, since she thinks you like Nick. You are still entitled to hang out with him, because you are friends, but just try to avoid Chynna and Samantha, don’t look scared, but just avoid them. My only fear is you said they hang out with some dangerous people, and kids these days hang out with big groups and think they’re tough, so they gang up on people, and I don’t want them to gang up on you. My best advice is just to avoid them the best you can, and as long as your best friends know the truth, I wouldn’t worry about what a bunch of other people think.

Well, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you any better advice on the last part, and I’m really sorry that Samantha made up rumors about you, I really hope it all works out for you! I hope I was able to help you out, at least a little, and I wish you the best of luck! Peace.

mb3

Dear Friend,

I agree with mb3 on many levels. He has given you some great advice, the very best is to avoid them as much as possible, as well, as taking the stance that you as well as your BF’s know the truth and that’s all that really matters.

Nothing gets around better than word of mouth. This is true in big business advertising as well as personal matters. You start spreading the news that you are, “too mature to be reduced to fighting some girl.” See, by stating this, someone who still dwells on fighting will have to think to themselves, “Hey, am I acting maturely about this?”

I was a fighter in school. I never started them, only finished the fight. So, I know all about all the bull that goes along with some chick who goes around trying to solve her issues with fear. You just have to get the word out that “you have better things to do with your time than to fight some chick who is obviously bored with her life and must create chaos to jazz it up.“

Those exact words, must be used. They are my very own Fight Potion #7 and I can just about guarantee they’ll work as well as Love Potion #9

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

It’s All In The Approach

Monday, September 8, 2008

Hi Aunt B,

Hi my name is G****** and im e-mailing you because i feel like a have a million problems. First of all my family life sucks. My dad is a great guy but he is super bipolar and it scares me alot. Then my little sister is always trying to make my life impossible. Last but not least my mom and i do not get along at all. I want to tell her all my problems but i feel like she wont understand. She has never been the type of mom who you can tell anything to. Then there is the school issue. I was a straight A student last year and now my grades are going down. This scares me because my dad says that i have to get A’s. I can’t tell my mom how bad im doing because she’ll tell my dad. The next thing is boys. I would love to be in love but i just don’t think that love is for me because i have so many things going on. I’m the type of girl that just expects prince charming to come walking through the door and i know thats not doing to happen. I’m so confused about everything and i feel like im going to explode. Please help me. I would like to remain anonymous.

Dear G******,

O.K. G, first off, slow your row and stop being so hard on yourself. You are not alone when it comes to feelings such as yours, as well as feeling like you can’t communicate with your parents. That is an age old story. Not to say that your feelings are not real or valid. They are very real and I completely understand. I felt the same way but now I can look back and see that in every instance, every single circumstance, every minute of the day, I had choices I was just unable to see. You have them too, remember this.

I can clearly remember how I felt as a teenager and I too, often felt as if I could explode. It was a constant emotional rollercoaster. You can’t see it but I can. I know what’s going on and it(been there, done that) is a classic case of hormones, growing from a girl to a woman and all that good stuff in between. It’s not always pleasant, these feelings and emotions but I do urge you to try not to over analyze things…

I can already tell that you are a highly intelligent gal and an extremely deep thinker. You tend to think about things, sometimes to the point it makes you sick to your stomach. Before the problem even presents itself, you anticipate the outcome as well as worry about what you should do or how you should react. You tend to think with your mind instead of your heart and sway to asking yourself how you feel about any given situation. What I mean is that I’d bet that you often say to yourself, “I should feel” such and such, when the feelings don’t come natural because you think about it before you allow yourself to feel just about anything/everything. It’s a sense of detachment from yourself, a safety measure you instilled a long time ago. I don’t know why this is but I can just tell. From emotional pain to emotional happiness, you have a sort of delayed reaction, first asking yourself just “how should I feel.”

People like us, yes I said “us” tend to over analyze every thing someone says to anticipation of any circumstance. Instead of just going with the flow we tend to stop the flow and think about it first. We worry way too much, worry and wonder, worry and wonder till it makes us physically sick. This will affect you in future relationships, as well as situations if you do not become aware of it. A conscience awareness to just feel instead of thinking about it all first, is or should be a goal.

I think you are over thinking the ability to speak with your Mom as well. Now, right this very minute, you are saying, “but Aunt B you just don’t understand,” are you not? My Mom was a witch with a capital “B” and I can look back and remember how severely apprehensive, out and out scared I was about talking to her about anything. I always anticipated the very worst and basically ended up shutting down all forms of communication with my own Mother.

It’s All In The Approach

Right now, you feel as if your Mom has no idea what you are going through. And she’ll never know until you decide to sit her down and break the chain of events, as well as the lack of communication and anticipation of the very worst. What you fail to realize is that your Mom went through, possibly not the exact things you went through but I guarantee she had similar experiences. But more importantly, you possess the power, the choice to change this situation, this very relationship with your Mom as it now exists. You have a choice, oh yes you do. Mark my words. Now read that again!

You ask for an audience with your Mom. You tell her that you really need to talk with her and ask when it’s a good time. Wait till you know she’s not busy and can give you her full attention. Maybe even wait till your Dad’s not home. You might feel less apprehensive, more open if Dad’s not even in the house. Then, you say these exact words;

“Mom, if I can’t talk to you, if I can’t trust you, who can I talk to or trust?”

We choose our words, those words very carefully for a reason. By saying that exact phrase, Mom would have to quickly look at and deduce that the lines of communication between the two of you needs to be open and maintained. If it’s not open and you felt you couldn’t come to her for guidance, then really what kind of relationship do you have? Now, I know, as I said, that you are a deep thinker so I have all the confidence in the world that can pull this off. You think before you speak, think before you even go to Mom.

You ask Mom if you can confide in her? Tell her your feelings are very private and you will not tell her everything unless she will keep it all in confidence. See, somewhere along the line, through all these years, you’ve grown apart from your Mom. That is almost a natural event, most of us girls go through. Then we get to the age where we believe our Mom’s can’t understand and don’t know diddly squat. We might even think they’re pretty stupid and they sure don’t know what’s happening.

This breakdown in the communication lines is usually the fault of both parties, you as well as your Mother. But it doesn’t have to be this way and as I stated before, you possess the power to change it. I’m not saying by sitting down with your Mom that it will make you two best friends. But I do believe that even at your age, you have far more choices and power than you realize you possess.

So, you sit her down and you talk to her. What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen from that? Test the waters. Only tell her a little bit at first with the understanding that she’s to keep it all under her hat and not tell your father. Then little by little you talk to her. Tell her, “Mom, I really want us to have a good relationship, I need to know that I can come and talk to you.”

Let her know that you are trying in school but it has become difficult. I might also suggest going to your school guidance counselor and unloading especially if you are apprehensive about talking to your parents. Let them know that you are having a hard time. That’s what tutors are for. People who have problems in school will keep their problems until such time as they reach out and let people know that they are having a hard time. Remember that no one is perfect, including myself. We all have strong points as well as weak spots. You just might need a little support system. But no one will know you are having a hard time until you let them know how you really feel and seek help. By the way, there’s not a darn thing wrong with asking for help, it’s only wrong when you don’t ask and allow yourself to fall.

As far as your love life is concerned, “Good things come to those that wait.” Concentrate on you right now. Get yourself strong inside as well as out and all will be well in your world. Prince Charming? Hah, there’s no such thing, it is a fairy tale but there is a guy out there who will give you his world, including his last name but you must first work on you, getting your mind right and then he will notice you. It will be your beautiful smile that will catch his attention. Not a forced grin but that warm and genuine smile you have just waiting to show itself again.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:49 AM

Labels: Approach, Communication, emotional rollercoaster, Mother/Daughter, Teen Issues