Playing With Fire

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Playing With Fire

by SidellSez

Dear Aunt Babz,

So there is this girl. This girl I care for a lot, and like her a lot. She like me too. Simple right? Not. My close friend likes her too. And guess what, she’s also admitted to liking him. We’ve both hooked up with her. We both know this, but its almost taboo to talk about with each other. I mean we have before, but never came to any conclusion. She eventually told us she didn’t want to pick, but be friends with both of us. We’ll that didn’t last long, and we are both pursuing her again. What should I do. And please don’t say that I shouldn’t anymore, cause she is playing us. I’ve realized that one. Im just confused and need an alternative!

Thanks,

Lost and Confused
Dear Lost and Confused,

I am not sure what to say, since you already know the problem and the solution but choose not to take it. So. Best I can do is offering you a bit of advice about your current actions.

You know that you are playing with fire, and someone is going to get burned. But the fire is fun and exciting, which makes it hard to stop. I get that… been there. But you need to sit down with your friend and talk even if it is taboo. You may think that these things won’t come between you two (because you figured it out before) but they will.

This girl is trouble for you two, and you need to sort out what is going to happen between the two of you and set some friendship ground rules, that’s for sure.
You know that no good can come of this, pursuing this girl from the both of you, so now you just need to do damage control since neither of you are willing to give it up and neither is she.

Wish I had better advice for you, but your gut instinct is right on this one.. you just need to have the courage to listen to it.

Good luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Lost and Confused,
Thank you for contacting Sidell Sez,
You are writing to me about a girl that both you and your friend like a lot. You wonder what you can do to find out about who she most cares for, you or your friend. My advice to you is that you need to take your time and as time passes, what she feels for you will be revealed. When you know how much she cares for either you or your friend, you will be in a better position to make a decision in regards to what you can do! So, for now, I advise you to take it easy and enjoy being friends.

I hope this helps!

Thank you for contacting,

SidellSez!

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 2:05 PM

Playing With Fire

by SidellSez

Dear Aunt Babz,

So there is this girl. This girl I care for a lot, and like her a lot. She like me too. Simple right? Not. My close friend likes her too. And guess what, she’s also admitted to liking him. We’ve both hooked up with her. We both know this, but its almost taboo to talk about with each other. I mean we have before, but never came to any conclusion. She eventually told us she didn’t want to pick, but be friends with both of us. We’ll that didn’t last long, and we are both pursuing her again. What should I do. And please don’t say that I shouldn’t anymore, cause she is playing us. I’ve realized that one. Im just confused and need an alternative!

Thanks,

Lost and Confused
Dear Lost and Confused,

I am not sure what to say, since you already know the problem and the solution but choose not to take it. So. Best I can do is offering you a bit of advice about your current actions.

You know that you are playing with fire, and someone is going to get burned. But the fire is fun and exciting, which makes it hard to stop. I get that… been there. But you need to sit down with your friend and talk even if it is taboo. You may think that these things won’t come between you two (because you figured it out before) but they will.

This girl is trouble for you two, and you need to sort out what is going to happen between the two of you and set some friendship ground rules, that’s for sure.
You know that no good can come of this, pursuing this girl from the both of you, so now you just need to do damage control since neither of you are willing to give it up and neither is she.

Wish I had better advice for you, but your gut instinct is right on this one.. you just need to have the courage to listen to it.

Good luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Lost and Confused,
Thank you for contacting Sidell Sez,
You are writing to me about a girl that both you and your friend like a lot. You wonder what you can do to find out about who she most cares for, you or your friend. My advice to you is that you need to take your time and as time passes, what she feels for you will be revealed. When you know how much she cares for either you or your friend, you will be in a better position to make a decision in regards to what you can do! So, for now, I advise you to take it easy and enjoy being friends.

I hope this helps!

Thank you for contacting,

SidellSez!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Woo Her

Dear Aunt Babz,

I’m kinda new to this whole “anonymous advice” thing but I need some help. I really like this girl I’m kinda close friends with. She knows I like her but I’m not really getting a response from her. Some of my friends are close with her and they said she wants me to try harder to impress her. I know that sounds a little mean but she’s really a nice girl. If you know how I can win her over please help me out! If it helps I’m 15 and in high school so I can’t buy her expensive jewelry or anything (minimum wage only goes so far!)

Dear Reader,

Well Darlin’, it sounds like she wants you to win and woo her. There’s nothing wrong with this and I suppose she has standards set for herself. Not a bad thing. I thought these six steps were interesting, not the/your answer so much but noteworthy.

Once you get in, those six steps might help but we need to find a way to make her notice you, right? There were a few memorable things, that made me think, one of which was a card that said some of the things that I think he couldn’t. But it was the few words he put in the card that made the impact on me;

“You make me smile. Your smile, your laughter, the way you walk, the way you talk, it all speaks to my heart. You are beautiful beyond the words of a simple card. Did you know this?”

See, all these years later, I still remember the words from that card. It wasn’t even an expensive card but I could tell he’d taken the time and put forth the effort to pick it out.

I think it’s the little things, the words that ring, steadfast that are memorable. Most guys do not divulge or expose their hearts very easily, especially spoken words. So, you use cards and letters, a note here, a card there.

In these cards, which will not break your pocket, you speak the truth, you speak what your heart says. You don’t have to do all the mushy bullshit, you know too candy sweet-n-sticky, especially crap you don’t feel. But you tell her what it is that makes you notice her out of all the girls in your world.

When you see her, you wink and allow your heart, your body language to speak to hers. It’s very real if you happen to notice it and are aware of it’s capability. No, you’d better not need expensive jewelry to get this girl. If that were the case, why would you wanna date a chick that has to have that sort of thing to know how you feel?

Sure it’s nice to receive a Promise Ring (we used to call it going steady) at the exact and perfect moment in time but you are not there yet, right? And if the time comes where you feel you want to express how you feel, you start saving, you know $5 here, $10 there and put some cash away.

You sound like a truly nice guy and I hope you win the babe. Forget about those “Trophy Chicks.” Yea, they look good on your arm but they know it and it’s a constant worry. You’ll have to let me know, ok? Oh and by the way, remember; If you play, you might pay, meaning if and when…where a condom. Please???

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Hey There,

If you are trying to win her over the first thing you should do is try to talk to her. Try to get her to sit down with you at lunch or before school or after school and if she talks to you just share how you feel and how you would like to hang out with her more . Another thing you can do is find out where her locker is and stick a little note in there saying maybe something like, ” Hi, just thinking about you,” or anything you want to that will catch her eye . If you have classes with her just slip it in her book . If you know were she lives go up to her house and ask to talk and maybe if you have a little money, possibly you could go buy a single rose . That’s usually like $3 dollars at the very most . That’s what I think you should do … just make sure to be yourself.

I’m Listening,

Lucus

“Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls”

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Slice of Guilt Pie

Dear Aunt B.,

I am writing to you seeking advice on two different guys. The first one is a guy that I work with who I will refer to as Mr. A…He is 29 and has 3 kids (I’m 18 with no children) and a while ago he asked for my number and told me he liked me and stuff…..Well after we had been talking for a while he told me that I shouldn’t get too attached because he’s too old for me, but he wouldn’t mind if we fooled around! After that little hint I just tried to back off and let things go, because I’m not that type of girl……..However, about a week ago a friend of mine introduced me to this other guy who is 19 and childless, who I will call Mr. R…….we hit it off really well at first and he asked me out on a date. Well Mr. A called me that night and one of my sisters told him I was on a date…..so later that night at around 3 AM he starts texting and calling me saying that he really does want to date me but he doesn’t want to put all his baggage on my shoulders!!! So he asked me out on a date and I told him I’d let him know later in the week……..two days later he saw my older sister at her job and asked her out on a date!!!!!!! I don’t know if i really have the right to be as upset as I really am, because it’s not like he’s my boyfriend or anything, but to go after my sister was just plain cruel!!! At this point I don’t know if I should avoid him at work or just be cordial with him…because I know if he wanted to he could make me miserable at work!
Now the second guy, Mr. R is really sweet and very respectful, but the problem is that his ex dumped him a little over a week ago and she seems to come up in almost all of our conversations!!!! It gets pretty uncomfortable, but I almost feel like it would be rude to say something about it…..I really like him, but I don’t know if or how I can help him get over his ex!
ANY advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Romantic

Dear Hopelessly Romantic,

Okay, I will answer in the realm of the two guys. #1 is the 29 w kids, #2 is the 19 without kids.

Bachelor #1 – does have baggage. But even more so you work with him (and if you work FOR him, this is very much harassment) and as a general rule of thumb it’s a good idea to not date people you work with for this exact reason. At any rate, he is 10 years older then you and has responsibilities that you have no experience with yet. He will have bills, credit, possibly a mortgage, and kids to deal with. You do not have any of those things yet, and at 18 you have a lot of time to think about getting to that point in your life. So definitely slow down.

How to deal with #2 – tell him that you don’t think that it is a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Explain that you want to stay friends, and even if it wasn’t for the work thing you are simply not ready to deal with three kids and all the responsibilities that he has. If he is a complete asshole, he will make your life difficult anyways. But if he really is a good guy he will realize that you are just trying to be honest about the situation and don’t want anyone getting hurt.

Bachelor #2 – this guy was JUST dumped. It wasn’t his choice (hence the term dumped) so he’s likely to feel hurt still. How long him and his ex dated will affect how long he will feel sorta bad too… I mean if it was like a month long thing then I am sure he will snap out of it rather fast and he just needs to deal with the dumping part (no one likes to be rejected) but if it was like a year relationship it’s going to take some time. He is vulnerable and leery, as you would be. So give him some time to get over the ex and the ex dumping him. But you can always say something encouraging swaying how he talks with you about his ex. saying something like “I know that you were hurt, but I am not her. And I was thinking it might be a positive thing right now if we could focus on having a good time, maybe it would help you get over the loss.” See how something like that goes over. If he is totally depressed then he will blow you off… so be careful not to sound like you are being defensive of your own qualities or that you are making the ex sound like a bitch. He may still have feelings for her, and that is understandable.

Hope that did you some good!

Good Luck!

~Xmichra~

Dear Hopelessly Romantic,

In case you’ve not read it here, some of my other posts, I’ll inform you that I have what I like to call the gift of Intuition, ok? I got the Willy’s when I read about this guy that asked your sister out. For some reason, I think he’s nothing but trouble and yes, you should just steer clear of him. Tell your Sis not to go out with him either, alright?

You have that dude at a clear disadvantage though and I’d use it if need be. If he approaches you again, you simply/calmly tell him that you’d thought about going out with him till he went behind your back and asked your sister out. You tell him that it was rather hurtful and you walk away. Leave him with a slice of guilt pie which may very well cause him to feel badly enough to leave you alone. Hopefully, huh?

Even if Mr. A has the ability to make your life a living hell at work, you also have a trump card up your sleeve. There are unwritten rules governing this universe and he has to know that he broke a major one. Only an idiot could say they didn’t know that you don’t ask out a family member or best friend of a girl/guy of someone you may have dated or fed a line to. And yes, Mr. A is full of lines and bullshit. But you already know this, don’t you?

The very first time he approaches you, if he even looks at you, you’ve got to have your game face on and wear your Bitch Belt. I think he did you dirty by doing what he did and I think you have reason to feel upset at his cruel and insensitive game. So, you’ve got to remember this as well as the fact that you’d done nothing wrong. So, I would use the slice of guilt pie approach as I said before. I truly do not believe that this hurt you but I do know it pissed you off. But I’d make him think that it was hurtful and hope he goes away feeling like the piece of shit that he is.

Concerning Mr. R; It’s never a real good idea to date a guy that’s just been dumped. There’s that good ol’ “rebound effect” along with all the other games people play. Even if he has the best of intentions, he may not be able to help talking and feeling all kinds of emotion. He may have just been wounded and might need time to get over this. You might say something like,”You seem to be a bit overwhelmed by your break-up as you keep bringing it up. Do you need time to sort out your feelings?” By saying it like this, it’ll look as if you’re only bringing up the obvious without actually saying that it bothers you for him to continually speak about her. I know it would bug me but you might need to reason with the fact that he’s not really had time to “get over” her.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Emotional Blackmail

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have visited your site and really appreciate your service.

I have a real bad life problem.

I am now married for the second time. I have 2 children who I am close to from my previous marriage ages 16 and 11, that live 1500 miles away. I have a 14 month old baby with my new wife, her second marriage also.

This past spring my daughter asked to come live with my wife and I and my wife and her Mom agreed. We have her in a nice school and she is doing well. My wife told me that she doesn’t want to live with my daughter any longer and need to send her back to her mother or she wants a divorce. She feels my daughter is too clingy, and I do not agree that she is that bad.

My wife is a very jealous person. She has an older son (9) that lives with us and I have to put up with a lot. She says that I knew that when I married her.

My daughter is oblivious to the situation and loves her new school and living around us. I have recently moved out with and got an apartment with my daughter. She is wealthy, so financially she is taken care of. I am tempted to now put myself aside and move back closer to my children from my previous marriage and when my daughter goes to college move back here and take care of my other daughter that will then be 7 years old. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I don’t know if I should stick it out for the good of my youngest daughter. I am completely torn over this and do not know what the right thing is.

Thank you in advance.

Dave

Dear Dave,

First, before I get into anything else here thank you for being a good dad to your kids. Choosing to stick by your daughter instead of your second wife is something she will never forget, and regardless on if she knows of the full situation she will later reflect on this and figure out how hard that was for you. I can’t say weather moving or not moving would make your situation any better or worse for the kids involved. I wish I could, but this decision has to come from you, you know the situation a lot better than I do and you will know what can be done. I can say that from what you have written, if this were me, I would not move. You have said that your daughter is enrolled in a great school and she is excelling. Your other child (sorry you didn’t say boy or girl) has the choice (I assume) to move in with you if he should choose but is staying with your first wife. Your second daughter isn’t old enough to voice an opinion, but as a baby requires a lot more attention on your part. So, given that, I would stay put because that seems like the logical step and better for the kids right now. This is just my opinion (to stay where you are) but really why would you pull your daughter from a good school and her “new” life and disrupt the life of the baby when you don’t have too. You obviously thought about the decision to bring your daughter to live with you and considered her being away from her sibling and mom before doing this. Now I feel the best run of course is to make good on that course, and let your daughter finish her schooling there. Of course this can change with the dynamics of your relationships to the mothers. But in all seriousness, you owe it to your kids to be a good father. And this is what you are trying to do under hard circumstances. I hope that what ever you choose that you still remain close to your children. I know this must be a very difficult situation and it is apparent that you love all of your kids.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra~ Dear Dave,

It’s extremely disheartening to hear that your wife wants a divorce if she doesn’t get her way. That’s what it boils down to; Emotional Blackmail. It’s wrong and I find myself on the defensive fence because of it.

I’ve stated in past posts, that things that go on in our marriage can only be or happen if we allow it. What I’m referring to is the simple fact that sometimes you must stand your ground and state what you will permit and what you will not tolerate. I will say it again,

“In this life, while it is very important for people to know what we stand for, quite often it is equally important for them to know, without a doubt, exactly what we will not stand for.”

I know it takes all kinds to make this world go round; the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m just trying to ascertain which category to place your wife in? I’m having real difficulty with a woman who would place you between a rock and a hard place because your child is too clingy? It all actually burns my butt and I’m having to work at staying objective here.

Since I am a proponent, a true advocate of marriage and have firm *beliefs that marriage should be taken seriously, I will suggest that you both go to counseling.

The reality of all this is that your first reaction to this scenario would, of course be anger. The next would probably be the emotions involved, that you felt, as you walked out the door, moving into a new apartment. The natural reaction would be to run like hell, dragging your daughter away from that wicked step-mother of hers. But what is the answer here?

I think you must stand up to your wife. I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel and insist on what you will and will not tolerate. Her behavior is that of a bully and you allowed it.

I realize there are always three sides to every story;

“Yours, Hers and the cold hard facts.”

So, I do and will welcome her to write me and explain how and why she would think it’s a legitimate thing to do, basically kicking your daughter to the curb, figuratively speaking, of course. I think it is very unfair for your wife to place you in such a position, which is exactly what she has done, where you have to choose between her or your own daughter. I know which I would choose…

My last suggestion is for you to copy and print this post, mail it to her and then she’ll see that, we’re calling her on the carpet over this one. She can’t/won’t get away with thiswithout all the world being able to see her for just what she is; selfish and unscrupulous.

Bada Bing Bada Boom!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. I do not believe in luck, coincidence or magic but only Divine Destiny. As well, I also believe that every single person we meet is placed there in our own Divine Destiny, a destiny/plan/map that God alone has placed us in our journey through this life. We meet and marry because God has placed this person in our lives for a reason.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:37 AM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Children in Relationships, Emotional Blackmail

It’s All In The Approach

Monday, September 8, 2008

Hi Aunt B,

Hi my name is G****** and im e-mailing you because i feel like a have a million problems. First of all my family life sucks. My dad is a great guy but he is super bipolar and it scares me alot. Then my little sister is always trying to make my life impossible. Last but not least my mom and i do not get along at all. I want to tell her all my problems but i feel like she wont understand. She has never been the type of mom who you can tell anything to. Then there is the school issue. I was a straight A student last year and now my grades are going down. This scares me because my dad says that i have to get A’s. I can’t tell my mom how bad im doing because she’ll tell my dad. The next thing is boys. I would love to be in love but i just don’t think that love is for me because i have so many things going on. I’m the type of girl that just expects prince charming to come walking through the door and i know thats not doing to happen. I’m so confused about everything and i feel like im going to explode. Please help me. I would like to remain anonymous.

Dear G******,

O.K. G, first off, slow your row and stop being so hard on yourself. You are not alone when it comes to feelings such as yours, as well as feeling like you can’t communicate with your parents. That is an age old story. Not to say that your feelings are not real or valid. They are very real and I completely understand. I felt the same way but now I can look back and see that in every instance, every single circumstance, every minute of the day, I had choices I was just unable to see. You have them too, remember this.

I can clearly remember how I felt as a teenager and I too, often felt as if I could explode. It was a constant emotional rollercoaster. You can’t see it but I can. I know what’s going on and it(been there, done that) is a classic case of hormones, growing from a girl to a woman and all that good stuff in between. It’s not always pleasant, these feelings and emotions but I do urge you to try not to over analyze things…

I can already tell that you are a highly intelligent gal and an extremely deep thinker. You tend to think about things, sometimes to the point it makes you sick to your stomach. Before the problem even presents itself, you anticipate the outcome as well as worry about what you should do or how you should react. You tend to think with your mind instead of your heart and sway to asking yourself how you feel about any given situation. What I mean is that I’d bet that you often say to yourself, “I should feel” such and such, when the feelings don’t come natural because you think about it before you allow yourself to feel just about anything/everything. It’s a sense of detachment from yourself, a safety measure you instilled a long time ago. I don’t know why this is but I can just tell. From emotional pain to emotional happiness, you have a sort of delayed reaction, first asking yourself just “how should I feel.”

People like us, yes I said “us” tend to over analyze every thing someone says to anticipation of any circumstance. Instead of just going with the flow we tend to stop the flow and think about it first. We worry way too much, worry and wonder, worry and wonder till it makes us physically sick. This will affect you in future relationships, as well as situations if you do not become aware of it. A conscience awareness to just feel instead of thinking about it all first, is or should be a goal.

I think you are over thinking the ability to speak with your Mom as well. Now, right this very minute, you are saying, “but Aunt B you just don’t understand,” are you not? My Mom was a witch with a capital “B” and I can look back and remember how severely apprehensive, out and out scared I was about talking to her about anything. I always anticipated the very worst and basically ended up shutting down all forms of communication with my own Mother.

It’s All In The Approach

Right now, you feel as if your Mom has no idea what you are going through. And she’ll never know until you decide to sit her down and break the chain of events, as well as the lack of communication and anticipation of the very worst. What you fail to realize is that your Mom went through, possibly not the exact things you went through but I guarantee she had similar experiences. But more importantly, you possess the power, the choice to change this situation, this very relationship with your Mom as it now exists. You have a choice, oh yes you do. Mark my words. Now read that again!

You ask for an audience with your Mom. You tell her that you really need to talk with her and ask when it’s a good time. Wait till you know she’s not busy and can give you her full attention. Maybe even wait till your Dad’s not home. You might feel less apprehensive, more open if Dad’s not even in the house. Then, you say these exact words;

“Mom, if I can’t talk to you, if I can’t trust you, who can I talk to or trust?”

We choose our words, those words very carefully for a reason. By saying that exact phrase, Mom would have to quickly look at and deduce that the lines of communication between the two of you needs to be open and maintained. If it’s not open and you felt you couldn’t come to her for guidance, then really what kind of relationship do you have? Now, I know, as I said, that you are a deep thinker so I have all the confidence in the world that can pull this off. You think before you speak, think before you even go to Mom.

You ask Mom if you can confide in her? Tell her your feelings are very private and you will not tell her everything unless she will keep it all in confidence. See, somewhere along the line, through all these years, you’ve grown apart from your Mom. That is almost a natural event, most of us girls go through. Then we get to the age where we believe our Mom’s can’t understand and don’t know diddly squat. We might even think they’re pretty stupid and they sure don’t know what’s happening.

This breakdown in the communication lines is usually the fault of both parties, you as well as your Mother. But it doesn’t have to be this way and as I stated before, you possess the power to change it. I’m not saying by sitting down with your Mom that it will make you two best friends. But I do believe that even at your age, you have far more choices and power than you realize you possess.

So, you sit her down and you talk to her. What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen from that? Test the waters. Only tell her a little bit at first with the understanding that she’s to keep it all under her hat and not tell your father. Then little by little you talk to her. Tell her, “Mom, I really want us to have a good relationship, I need to know that I can come and talk to you.”

Let her know that you are trying in school but it has become difficult. I might also suggest going to your school guidance counselor and unloading especially if you are apprehensive about talking to your parents. Let them know that you are having a hard time. That’s what tutors are for. People who have problems in school will keep their problems until such time as they reach out and let people know that they are having a hard time. Remember that no one is perfect, including myself. We all have strong points as well as weak spots. You just might need a little support system. But no one will know you are having a hard time until you let them know how you really feel and seek help. By the way, there’s not a darn thing wrong with asking for help, it’s only wrong when you don’t ask and allow yourself to fall.

As far as your love life is concerned, “Good things come to those that wait.” Concentrate on you right now. Get yourself strong inside as well as out and all will be well in your world. Prince Charming? Hah, there’s no such thing, it is a fairy tale but there is a guy out there who will give you his world, including his last name but you must first work on you, getting your mind right and then he will notice you. It will be your beautiful smile that will catch his attention. Not a forced grin but that warm and genuine smile you have just waiting to show itself again.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 11:49 AM

Labels: Approach, Communication, emotional rollercoaster, Mother/Daughter, Teen Issues

Nip It In The Bud

hello aunt b,

my boyfriend is always getting mad at me he thinks im cheating on him and every time i go out with my family he says that im going out with some other boy and it pains me to hear this cuz i don’t want him to think that about me. i need to know if this sounds like he loves me or not?

sincerely,

broken hearted

Dear Broken Hearted,

Nip this behavior in the bud now or forever put up with it. OK, it’s like this; he may have been burned in a past relationship? If he has, he needs to be reminded that you are not her. You need to express to him how badly this makes you feel, badly enough for you to write me, huh? If you’ve done nothing and given him no good reason not to trust you, then he needs to do one of two things; keep his baggage/trust issues to himself or give you at least the chance to prove him wrong.

Again, if you’ve never done anything to make him suspect, why is he treating you like this? You need to ask him? You also need to explain to him that it is not fair to you to be treated as he has. I warn you that most guys who act that this are very controlling. For him to act all weird even when you are going with your family, well, it’s just not normal and he needs to look at his behavior.

Sit down and talk to him and find out exactly why he is so untrustworthy. But you must assert and make it very clear to him that you can not and you will not continue in a relationship where, for no good reason, he treats you as if you’ve done something wrong.

Now, here’s the kicker; if you can not sit him down and talk to him about all this, if you are fearful that it will upset him if you mention it and if you feel that you can not talk to him and get to the bottom and the root of this whole situation…
you do not have a healthy relationship.

You must be able to talk about everything, including what his issues are that make him feel why he does. You must have trust in every relationship. If it is not there and you are being constantly accused, eventually, if it were me, I’d get real tired of defending myself and resentments would build.

Don’t go another minute in a relationship and not make your feelings heard. See, trust is something we give as a gift to those we love. We trust them to love us, to be mindful of our feelings and emotions, we trust them to treat us as they’d want to be treated. We must give this gift freely and where there is no trust there in lies chaos, paranoia and pain.

Love and trust go hand in hand. You make sure you give him no reason to not trust you, like don’t be flirtatious and don’t place yourself in any situation that you would not want him to be in as well, i.e., going to a party or the beach, you know, any place you wouldn’t want him to go without you.

If you go out with your family and you are doing nothing wrong, he’s being weird and it’s not right. Nip it in the bud!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Hi Broken Hearted,

Your boyfriend gets mad at you because he thinks your cheating on him when you’re not? Well he shouldn’t be doing that, he definitely needs to learn to trust you. You should tell him he needs to learn to trust you. Honestly, I can’t tell you if that sounds like he loves you or not. I don’t know enough to say whether or not he loves you. He really shouldn’t get mad at you based on what he thinks, especially because he’s incorrect with what he thinks. I don’t like that he gets mad at you over that though. I will tell you, to me it does not sound like he does not love you, it just sounds more like he has trust issues that he should work on. But I think that he just needs to learn to trust you, and not get mad, and you’ll be good!

I hope I have helped you out, a little bit at least. I hope it all works out for you for the best.

mb3

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 12:05 PM

Labels: Lack of Trust, Teen Advice, Teen Issues, Trust Issues

Life Is What You Make It

Dear Aunt B,

I was looking for a great relationship advice column and I stumbled upon yours! I hope that you can help me with my situation:

First, I will give you some background info (kinda long) but the end is what I need help on, so please help if you can!!

*************************

I dated a guy for years who I thought was my soulmate. He was older than me and had already graduated from college-I on the other hand, was still in college at the time and I was juggling work, relationship, and education-it was rough! My guy was emotionally-high maintenance, and when I tried to sacrifice and give attention-it was never enough! Needless to say, my guy cheated on me and we broke up. During this breakup we were still friends and he was close with my family. For some reason, there was discord between us and we began to talk less and less. for a whole month, he was acting distant from me and we never talked as much!

When I saw my ex again the following month, he was acting really weird. He acted like he wanted to tell me something, but he never could. After our meeting, I never saw him again. When I was online speaking to a friend, she revealed to me that my ex had gotten married! he didn’t even tell me (he would drop little hints or speak indirectly, but I didn’t think he was serious!!) He claimed that he wanted to wait until I “met the one” to tell me (like this would soften the blow!) To make a long story short, I told him never to talk to me again (I was speaking to him every now and then, hoping a friendship could be rekindled) He even told me in an indirect way, that he was having a child! All this time he would never just come out and say, “I’m married”. He still kept in touch with my family claiming he was “sorry for everything”and that he “really needed to talk to me.”

Well, for a whole year my ex was keeping in touch with my family but not with me (of course since I told him to not keep in touch). It bothered me that he was asking about me all the time, like “have I met the one yet?” and when was I graduating? I eventually wrote him and told him to not keep in touch with my family anymore because it wasn’t fair to him or his wife. When I told him everything was cool between us and even asked him on advice about a man (I thought he had moved on), he wouldn’t respond back to me. I even encouraged him and wished him well luck and told him that “I forgave him” but he still hasn’t contacted me. Aunt B, if he wanted to talk to me so bad, why hasn’t he? I tried to open up avenues of communication so that he could get whatever it was off of his chest-what’s up? Why is he acting so weird and distant?

(the weird thing is: I saw his parents one time (I hadn’t seen them for years) and they were acting REALLY excited to see me-hunh? Even his ex girlfriend out the blue came to me with some information (and we were arch enemies!) what’s going on. Please help!

Thanks and God Bless

Sincerely,

Extremely Confused

Dear Extremely Confused,

It sounds to me like you both still care for each other, huh? I have to wonder, why you would wonder why he hasn’t contacted you, when you clearly told him not to? That’s a mouth full but you may have to dig deep and see what it is that keeps you holding on.

I do imagine the norm, in most relationships would dictate that when you break up and you can’t be amicable, you go your separate ways, right? Point to ponder.

I’ve told my children that upon my death, I wanted the words, “She was a walking contradiction,” on my tombstone. It sums me up to the “T” a truth I embrace. I say this only so you may also look in the mirror and see the truth and the fact that you are also a contradiction.Having said this, I hope you will really take a look at this whole affair.

It’s obvious to me that you both cared deeply for each other. It’s also obvious that, in short, it was too painful to completely break things off and go “cold turkey.” Yes, you both went your separate ways but I have to believe that it’s not really what either of you wanted. So, what stood in the way? What kept you from either getting back together or severing the ties that bind?

Yes, I read your letter that he fooled around on you. Of course that’s enough to cause a break-up. Did he try to get you back but you would have nothing to do with it? I think I’d be so hurt if my guy had fooled around, so I can only imagine.

But it’s quite clear to me, that when he did what he did, he was sorry. Could you not forgive him at that time?It’s also clear to me that he did not want to sever the ties. If he did want to, he’d not have stayed in contact with your family.

Life is far too short, isn’t it? In a blink of an eye, it can all be over, altered and changed. Life is what you make it.

I don’t know how far you’ve come and gone, nor do I know what you’ve said, concerning this relationship. In the event that you’ve not been honest with your feelings and emotions, it’s high time to state how you really feel, get honest with yourself and if possible; forgive and forget.

Each new day that comes and goes is empty, aren’t they? I think deep down inside, it hurt you again that he did exactly what you told him to do. Yes, verbatim you said;
“To make a long story short, I told him never to talk to me again (I was speaking to him every now and then, hoping a friendship could be rekindled)“

It may be too late, I don’t know? The prospect of the unknown should not stop you. Allow nothing to stop you. As I said, life is too short and I usually add, “for the dumb shit.” Pursue your happiness and your soulmate. You have the power to change your history. So, change it…

Ah Divine Destiny!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Set Up From the Get Up

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi Aunt B,

I really need advice from someone that isn’t my friend, or have no interests in the middle.

MY boyfriend and I have been together officially 2 months now. We live an hour away from each other.
We used to be on the phone/webcam for hours on the weekend, and I never felt alone I felt like he was with me, even with the distance.

About a month ago, he started decreasing the attention, and now only calls once a day, at night. Sometimes I’m already asleep cause he calls really late and I work. He tells me, he doesn’t call earlier because he is with his friends, and I have in the past got upset about him not paying enough attention.

So he always have a million excuses because some nights he doesn’t call. The distance is an issue because he could be lying and I wouldn’t even know.

So basically, how do I deal with this? How can I get him to be the way he used to be? to pay me more attention and appreciate more? I just need more love. He is 18 and I’m 24.
What is more important play videogames with his friends or her girlfriend? Is like I have to wait until he feels like talking!

I’ve tried to talk to him about it both peacefully and acting upset. None works, he always says: there you go again

Pleaseeee help.

Dear K,

Long distance relationships are always hard to maintain, no matter what the age. But the younger the guy, the harder it is to keep their attention. As well, you can not ever make them have the emotions you want them to have, no matter how much you complain about it. It’s either there or it’s not.

It’s entirely possible that he has become distant because of the distance. Now, while it’s not fair to you, considering that you are in an established relationship, I think it’s time to shift gears and look at the entire situation.

It may not seem like a lot of difference in your age but there actually is, if only the level of maturity. If he’s basically just turned 18, he’s probably feeling his oats, meaning for the first time, he really doesn’t have to answer to Mom & Dad. Unfortunately, he may also view the commitment between the two of you as answering in a similar fashion. He may be a bit resentful.

At the same time, I feel he’s a loyal guy who cares greatly about you. But quite honestly, he may not be ready to stand by that commitment in the same way you are. There’s the difference in age coming into play. You are at the age, where you’re probably thinking on a more serious level, you are more apt to take things seriously, especially your love interest.

At the prime age of 18, most guys know they have their whole lives ahead of them and they act accordingly. Yes, that’s kind of a rough year, a proving ground where they still care what their best buds think and do and for the most part, most of those guys are into the single life, one without commitment.

Now, I don’t say all this to discourage you. On one hand, you must see that he cares deeply for you. I mean really, I don’t think he’d bother to even call if he didn’t have feelings for you. But again, you can not make them have feelings they don’t have, i.e. a need to talk on the phone, which is another form of commitment, believe it or not.

Really, there’s only a couple things you can do. You might talk to him about this “commitment” and what it means to you. You also might ask him what that means to him? Remember, he’s an 18 year old guy and some may get offended by this but at that age, they’ve not been trained as to how, what, where, the ins and outs of a wholesome relationship. This actually comes from a partner who teaches them what is actually expected of them. Some/most are not born knowing all these emotions and so forth. It is normally a woman who takes them by the hand and walks them down that path of understanding.

The other thing you can do is come to the realization that this may not be an ideal plan and situation. I can not reiterate enough that you can not make him have emotions he just does not have. All the nagging in the world will only garner resentment. Now, talking to him and stating your needs in the relationship, is a horse of a different colour. I do have the feeling that you’ve already done this?

The calls will get fewer and fewer if he feels he’s going to catch hell because he calls you late and so on. Either talk to him, giving him the option of walking away unscathed or concede that this is all you will get; a call when he’s in the mood, done gaming, done with his pals and so on.

I think explaining to him what you need in this relationship and actually what you have a right to have and asking him if he is willing to go the distance, is all you have. It’s a set up from the get up, my friend and I actually feel for you. I understand that you want things to work but you must see how much is going against you here.

You’ve been together, a mere two months, although I know when you’re in love that feels like a long time. I guess what I’m saying is speak to him, lay your cards on the table expressing what you need from this relationship and simply ask him to make a decision that is fair to you both; To commit or not to commit, that is the question?

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

This is Your Life

Sunday, June 1, 2008

This is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new reader and found your site through Google. You were the only site I came across that truly offered advice for free, I commend you.

My name is Jeremy and I’m 26 years old. I have a wife of four years and a three year old daughter, both were blessings in my life. My problem is my best friend Ben. Ben and I grew up together, we met in high school and played sports, dated and had alot of really goofy experiences together. We were inseparable.

When I met my wife and we started getting really serious, we moved in together to an apartment across town. Not far away, maybe ten minutes from Ben. We still called and played golf, did guy stuff together. When I told him I was marrying her, his response was supportive but not much else. Not even a congratulations.

Ben and I didn’t talk alot when my daughter was born. I was worried about working as much as I could to keep as much money in my bank account to provide for them, I really never thought about Ben as much as I should have. He still came over to my house to watch movies or go out to a bar for a couple of hours, play golf together once in a while.

Ben met someone about a year ago. I kept asking to meet her but he always had some excuse. He called me one day about a month later telling me to get my best man speech ready because he was going to ask her to marry him. I had never met this girl. I told him to come to the bar with me so I could give him some advice on getting married. He says okay but don’t tell your wife, I’m bringing (his girl) so you can meet her. I told him I wasn’t going to lie to my wife, I just wasn’t coming if that’s the way he wanted it.

So he begged and I brought my wife along anyway. We’re sitting at dinner and I’m watching this girl treat my best friend like he was a little child. Wiping his face with a napkin and picking up some of his food for him. I didn’t like the way he seemed, all I know is that Ben wasn’t the guy I had known for 10+ years. The next day we met for a beer after work and he asked me what I thought of his girl. I was straight with him that I didn’t like the way she treated him and that he should really think about what he was doing in marrying this girl.

He threw a ten dollar bill down on the table and tried to walk out. I caught him by his arm and told him this wasn’t over, he was going to stay and talk about this with me. He still took off and that’s the last time we really spoke.

We recently started emailing which is a good step, although now he won’t email me back. I found out thru these emails that he never really liked my wife and the speech he gave as my best man was all lies…actually his fiance’ told me that. I feel like I owe it to him to be there on his big day, which is now 6 weeks away. I have tried to get him to meet me somewhere to talk about things and where they went wrong and to no avail.

I feel like we have too much history to abandon this lost cause because he just doesn’t get it. What can I do, if anything? Thank you for listening.

Dear Jeremy,

I thank ya kindly for the compliment. We are unique, are we not? We’ve all been down a few roads and I know I was rode hard and put away wet. Now, if we can help someone have a little easier ride, well, I guess that’s what it’s all about. Plus, I still owe Mz. Karma Bitchslap™, some good before I go.

Well my Dear Jeremy, I’m gonna tell you just like I might if you were one of my own. I have three sons and an adopted daughter, 7 grandchildren and one great-grandchild, all of which find themselves in the corner, from time to time, me chewing their ear, maybe even boxing them. Yes, I have always carried a big stick and at 49, I can still dance. I tell it like it is and I will treat you like family. That gives me the inalienable right to cut to the chase, to hell with the democracy. Welcome to the Family…

First, I want to make you aware that I can see that you are grateful for your wife and child, you see them as blessings while others may take it all for granted. With a continued appreciative heart and a conscience effort to always be thankful, you will be one step ahead of this program. Too many of us can’t appreciate the water till the well runs dry, right? Selah

If you’ve read anything, that I’ve written here, you’ll notice a recurring theme or method to my madness; I try to put things into perspective. After all, life and love is all a matter of perspective and how we choose to look at things. Hopefully, we choose to look for the good in people, first and have an optimistic heart. This equates, to me anyway as, well you know, some people say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, right? Personally, I’m just grateful for the water and you must be too. Selah

You know that good friends are hand picked family and sometimes you must strive for that unconditional love, unconditional understanding, afforded to family.

I do believe that Ben is part of your handpicked family and you may have to just let him be Ben. You’ll have to choose to over look some things, things that might not sit well with you. Yes, even if you feel she may not be right for him, he’ll have to walk down “his road” and I’m hoping you’ll walk on the berm along side him.

You do know the power of a woman on a man? Many men would never admit that power. Yes, a woman does wield the power to make or break a guy. As well, I say there is “a good woman is behind every great man.” The thing is though, in the dark of night, in the wee hours of the morn, at your final moment on this earth, it will be that woman next to you and not your best friend.

Perspective

He didn’t care for your wife, did he? You may never have known this had you not drawn “first blood.” What I imply is that without realizing it, you may have started this fight.

Your buddy Ben, is a different man when he is with her, you do know this, don’t you? And don’t you think, if he didn’t like her coddling and so on, you know the kind of stuff that makes you throw up in your mouth, is he not man enough to stop her or tell her he doesn’t like it? Read that again.

Although Ben is behaving, so far from the guy you know and love as a brother, she may be just what the Doctor ordered. She may fulfill what he needs in those wee hours, in the dark of night. And if he’s not man enough to tell her he doesn’t like her doing these things, especially in front of his friends, well he must sit in his own shit, till he decides to man up and say how badly it stinks. Who knows what’s in the hearts of men? Yes, a woman does have this ability to change the rules of the game.

In some ways, you see it as belittling, you know, wiping his mouth and so on but he may very well love every minute of it? So, somehow you’ve got to find it in your heart to be happy for your friend and assume that he does like things just as they are.

Now, if we assume that he does like things just as they are, would you, if the tables were turned, not find offense in your best friend implying that you are not man enough to stand up for himself against the evil which lurks in the heart of woman? Would you not be hurt that your friend didn’t try to understand and be happy for you? Furthermore, would it not piss you off, if your friend asserted his opinion on the matter and put his two cents in where it would be perceived that it didn’t belong?

I know and you know that you only have his best interests at heart. But life is much like a book with it’s twists and turns, it’s comedy and tragedy, it’s plot and the plot has just thickened. Yes, Ben has opened a new chapter in his book, one where he has re-invented himself and it’s not someone your recognize.

When you went onto another chapter, in your book, “This is Your Life,” Ben didn’t really recognize you at first either. He contemplated and wondered where he fit in in this new equation, this new chapter. Do you want to know how many times Ben asked himself, “What the hell does he see in her?” He also wondered where his best friend had gone and told himself that his feelings were unfounded and he didn’t have the right to resent your new wife for stealing, his best buddy. Did you know that Ben was a bit lost and didn’t know what to do with himself, after she took you? Your wedding day was not his best day but he tried to smile and get through it. He tried to be happy for you and accept things as they are and were. Yes, Ben often looked in the mirror and told himself what a real asshole he was being for faking his smile that day. He stood in front of that mirror, many times before and after your wedding day, searching his soul for the right feelings.

Life is too short for the dumb shit. Real friends are few and far between. They often go the wayside when you do open a new chapter, especially one where they no longer have anything in common. True friends, not associates, you know the ones that, as I said before are hand picked family, are the only ones that last, the only ones that will be *Pallbearers at your funeral.

Do you want Ben to be a Pallbearer and would you be one at his funeral? OK, it sounds a bit morbid but ask yourself this, would it be a lie to carry his casket or his yours? Would it be filled with lies if he were to give a Eulogy at your wake?

Write your friend, one more email and give him his Eulogy, today. Say what needs to be said. Search your soul for the right words. Search your soul for some semblance of happiness and understanding for your friend. Most of all, well, I’m going to just say it; You do owe him even a slice of an apology. Look at this pie and see why you want that slice, ok?

Yes, life is far too short for the dumb shit, as I said but it’s never ever too late to do the right thing, right this minute. Jeremy, if you live your life today, like tomorrow will be your last and say what needs to be said but weigh your words first, you’ll really live.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*A pallbearer is one of several funeral participants who helps carry the casket of a deceased person from a religious or memorial service or viewing either directly to a cemetery or mausoleum, or to and from the hearse which does so.

A pall is the heavy cloth that is draped over a coffin. Hence the metaphoric term “casting a pall” on a gathering of people, by announcing bad news to the group. By metonymy, the term “pallbearer” is used to signify someone who bears the coffin which the pall covers.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:22 AM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Best Friends, Best Man, BF’s, Encouraging Words, Guy Stuff, Life is Perspective, Perspective, Real Men, Soul Searching, Your Eulogy, Your Life