Re-Post; Riding That Vicious Cycle

Editor’s Note; From time to time, for any given reason, a past post may be brought to my attention. Therefore, when I might re-read one, one of this magnitude, I feel the need to share it again. I wish I could speak to this fella again, this man who took the time to write me with such caring and thoughtful deliberation. I can not, thus, I can only hope and pray he might be well.

This is sound advice for many men who, I believe, struggle with the same situations; Mid-Life Crunch…

Dear Aunt B,

Agony Aunt of Mines,

As all of your letters start I shall begin with the same:

The time you’ve took to read this letter I cannot give back to you, nor do

I have something of any interest to give in return, or anything I can do for a reply but say that a stranger is sitting on the other side of the world in a room by himself, at 01:30 in the morning writing a letter; looking for help.

I’ll begin back in Scotland just over three years ago after finishing

University I went through a stage of mild depression (self diagnosis).

since a young age I had worked towards my current status as a qualified

Kayaking instructor, qualified abseiling instructor, British European and

World champion bagpipe player, loads of friends, I was in great physical

shape as well. I even applied to get in to the Royal Air Force (RAF)…I

had it all going for me.

Then all of a sudden, something changed. First the bagpipes kinda lost

interest when I was teaching (I just put it down to, I’d conquered the

tournaments and the challenge had disappeared), I thought it was just

because I’d gotten so far and wasn’t going to get any better…so I quit.

Soon after gradually the kayaking and the outdoor side of me lost its

interest too. Over a period of a year my whole social outlook in life

faded. Mood swings and loss of a steady sleeping pattern became apparent

over time too.

I had nothing. No hobbies like I used to, to career aspect and the pilots

training I decided wasn’t for me, and soon enough I wasn’t quite the

muscular person I used to be… I was in a rut just like I am now. I even

got myself into a little debt trying out new things to put that spark

back into my life, with no avail. Time passed and somehow Kevin (who was

a distant friend at the time) invited me over to Denmark. 3 years later I’m

still trying to fill the gap that was my life before I lost interest in

everything. As it stands now; I’m (slightly) overweight, I have a shit

job. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over 4 years because I’m boring and I

know it. And I have 40,000 kroner debt. (4000GBP)

The saddest part to the whole thing, is if even if I fight all my short

term problems: get rid of the debt, get into good shape again, etc etc…

I have nothing to look forward to, nothing.

I want nothing, I have no interest in any job aspect, and I’ve even given

up on trying to find a girl/girlfriend. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in

a rut, a big deep rut.

So I ask of you, what’s the secret to putting the spark back into life when

You’ve tried everything you liked/wanted for and lost it all? When there’s

no light at the end of the tunnel and something inside you asks why isn’t

it there? Please help me.

My Dearest Reader,

Well Darlin’, you’ve captured my heart with the Bagpipes. I love them and for me, they hold a rich sense of history. My family is Irish/Scot and I am Indian. My heart is held by the sound of bagpipes.

From what I gather, you are an extremist. You are the kind of guy who lives on the edge, jumps out of airplanes, lives for the adrenaline. If you are not doing something extreme, you don’t feel alive. It sounds like you’ve maxed out though, huh?

My initial reaction is that you are battling depression. This coupled with your lack of sleep can cause a significant change in your complete make-up and how you view your life, your love and things in general. This situation seems a bit complex. I would suggest counseling but somehow, I have the impression, that you are not the “Going to Counseling” type? Since I believe this is the case, all I have to offer is a bit of perspective.

Depression is a tricky bugger. It’s like a Spanner, peeking in on your life and it can hold you hostage. You then sit there and wonder just how the hell it got in?(Take this test, from the post prior to this) [*At bottom of page]

Let me offer a couple of suggestions here; Sleep is so important, get it, do it, make it. If you don’t want to take sleeping pills from your Doctor, you can get some Benadryl, OTC.
The key ingredient in Tylenol PM is Diphenhydramine HCl, which is also the generic name for Benadryl’s ingredients. In other words, you can buy a generic form and look for the active ingredient, “Diphenhydramine.” This may get you back in that sleep loop. You may begin to feel better, even from a good nights sleep.

Now, there’s no data to support this, that I have found but I have a theory about,
“Extreme Behaviorists.” I am an extremist myself and so is my ex-husband. It can actually be, somewhat of an addiction. You live for the thrill, of your behavior and once you become an extremist, it’s understandably hard, to break old habits.

Some people, who are extremists, create chaos in their life, when they are not, “On the edge.” They may become argumentative, just for the sake, of the chaos it brings. Once you’ve behaved in an extreme manner, it’s hard to find consolation, with the mundane. It seems dull and unrewarding.

Believe it or not, the data and text, concerning addiction, shows similar behaviors. Once you’ve “jazzed up” your life with drugs, when you are not high, things just don’t catch your interest. Now, I am not implying, that you and a drug addict, are one and the same, let me make that clear. You did not even mention any form of addiction, or the lot. I simply point this out because you may benefit from some of the Recovery tricks and tweaks.

If you research it and some of the advice from professionals, you’d find that the key, to overcoming addiction, is in making yourself aware of some of your own quirks and behaviors.

They use an example or acronym referred to as, “H.A.L.T.,”which stands for,

*Hungry…Angry…Lonely…Tired

it encourages us not to become too;

HUNGRY: When we dislike ourselves, we neglect and deprive our bodies of the balanced diet we need.
Food is a source of nurturing. Our bodies are ours to keep and care for so that we may understand
and carry out God’s will for us. When our bodies cry for attention, we no longer have time
for the spiritual program necessary for recovery.

ANGRY: When we choose not to deal with a situation immediately, there is a possibility that those feelings we are afraid to express will become resentments that we may later use as an excuse to drink or use drugs.

LONELY: When we believe that we are either better or worse than other people, we dig ourselves into a
hole of self-pity, feeling unique in our differences. We soon begin to feel the loneliness of such
isolation, and we tell ourselves that it is a good reason to drink or use drugs.

TIRED: When we can’t make sense out of anything and life overwhelms us, it is possible we have run
ourselves into a screeching HALT. We have filled our lives with so many activities that we have no
time for reflection.

I do not imply this acronym, to you in a sense of addiction to drugs but an addiction to extreme behavior.

Sex is another issue or situation, that can become humdrum, if you are used to pornography, fetish, S & M and the likes. I say this for perspective but if you have been doing a lot of kinky stuff, on a continual basis, going back to the missionary style, may seem boring. Do you see the correlation, I am making here? If we do things, all through life in an extreme manner, it’s sure as hell not going to get you excited to sit on the couch, is it? On the other hand, I think what has happened, is you topped out. You burnt your candles at both ends, did it all, per say and feel there’s nothing left. But is this really true? Is there nothing left?

I think you burned out and then fell into depression. Depression will cause sleep problems. It’s a vicious cycle and one feeds off the other. But I think you know this, right? So, we need to find a way to climb out and put things into perspective, correct?

To start, let’s look at things realistically. You are now older, this is a fact. I don’t know your age but I’d be willing to bet, you are having a hard time getting older. We don’t have to let go of dreams and desires, as we grow older but we often have to modify them.

In your 30’s, no matter what you do, you may never be that spry, spunky monkey you were in your 20’s. But you can keep in shape. My first suggestion is to start to work out again. I don’t mean go hog wild but a moderate amount of exercise is going to make a man, like you, feel better.

Once you begin to feel better about yourself, you will begin to “wear” that persona on the inside and out. Right now, you don’t feel good about you but I can tell at some point you were a man to be reckoned with. You can get that edge back and begin to feel better, by getting out and working out again. When you were in better shape, you felt better about yourself and how you looked. Start a little every day, walking and build up your exercise regimen. I guarantee, you will begin to feel better.

Complacency Breeds Complacency

You have not done it all, let me point this out. You need to challenge yourself and start with the exercise. Rome was not built in one day, so you need to start somewhere, right? Start by looking in the mirror. You obviously are not happy with you.

It’s clear to me, that you are very hard, on yourself. It’s even clearer, that there’s a reason, you feel the need to “Perform.” A man is not measured by his feats but by how good-hearted he is.

Your systems, values and beliefs need to be put under a microscope. I want you to realize that you were only doing yourself harm, if you believed, that a man, is only respected, by how hard he is, body and mind. I respect your feelings of wanting to be the very best, let me make that known. But there comes a time, when you have to realize that you do not have to win constantly and you sure don’t have to be the best at everything, to be respected.

It’s commendable, to be good, at all the things you have done but I want you to begin to be good at just being you. Relax your thinking a little and your assessment of your own self-worth. I think you are really tired of trying so hard, just to be you.

Maybe it’s time to re-invent yourself?

Someone you respect, taught you that you have to excel and win. These are really good qualities, if you know where the cut off point is, where you can relax. You gave up, instead of just relaxing some of your beliefs and then you became disgusted with yourself. You need a half-way point here.

1. Start with getting a good nights sleep. This plays a huge role in how we perceive all things and how we feel. Some people are proud of the fact that they don’t sleep. They’re usually cranky bastards too! So, get some sleep on a regular basis.
2. Begin to exercise, even if it’s to go to the park and walk. You may not remember how good it feels to work up a sweat but I’m willing to bet that once you do, you’ll feel refreshed.
3. Relax and stop holding yourself to such high expectations. Enjoy life and go with the flow. You’ll begin to breathe differently.
4. Just be you, not the Lion after the prey, on guard and ready to pounce. When you feel that anxiety, like you need to be doing something extreme and feeling guilty because you are not doing it, put on your favorite music and just relax.
5. Stop believing that you have to live an extreme lifestyle to measure up.

I think once you implement these 5 things, you’ll stop that vicious cycle that’s got you hobbled. Each thing will fall into place and when you begin to feel better, you’ll look better.

As we get older, we must often accept that our body does not cooperate as it once did. This you must come to terms with and accept. You can however get comfortable in your own skin.

I encourage you not to be so superficial and accept you for who you are. Begin to love yourself again and in turn, you’ll be able to love another. Did you realize that you may be putting off negative energy, that people, specifically women can sense?

Who wants to go out with a ball of bad energy? Stop it and start just being you. Become aware of this possibility and you will see the difference if you change it. Oh, and stop being such a perfectionist. I can feel it.

Now, just do it!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

* Test Click Here

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Drowning

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

Hi there!well im a new member to your site(dellez75p)and i love it!Ok well here it is,i met a wonderful woman last February on a dating site on the internet..i quit drinking a month earlier,so she knew i was alcoholic and i attended A.A.meeting’s.She has 2 kids 1 boy was 11 the other daughter7 and they are both by 2 different fathers and well she had lost her youngest was like 2 and he was by a different father so..im tryin to make this short,on her dating site when i first met her it said(i also like sex?)And at first i was like go your own way but she tried to explain what it was,2 weeks knowing her and not even meeting her she wanted me to come to her trailer and stay the night.i said NO and because you don’t know me and haven’t even met me yet so i just don’t feel comfortable without meeting her.so we met and fell in love;well i did and she said she was but..and so around mothers day my mother passed away and she was really like the only support i had in my life.so i moved with her and we rented a house together and i got a decent job,she was working for her brother but there was a new guy who started working for her brother but was engaged.i stayed sober and we were together about 7 months and everything was great although she was Mentally Ill Chemically dependant a MICA same as me.and she wanted to hang at her brothers a lot while they had parties(he owned his own business and she was his secretary..i worked 12 hour shifts..and so she had told me she was CO-Dependant and that she was molested by her father when she was 16.Then one night towards the end she lied said she had an appointment for schooling and they called and wondered where she was?,so i asked her and she lied and said she went to the appointment so to make this short,she was very lazy with house chores,was in debt,had a lot of mental issue’s,,but i fell in love with her and when it ended she was on the internet 1 month later on a dating site saying she wants friends with benefits..(really sex partner’s)so i have so much anger towards her i can’t shake it,but i do miss the kids muchly..did i do the right thing by leaving?and i did relapse after i left and well I’m back on track now but she called me a drunk when i talked to her??please give me advice on moving on from this pain because she was my world but i just don’t feel she loved me?

Dear Friend,

You know I’m an Addict in Recovery, don’t you? So, I do understand, the hell you’re going through. But it does and will get better. As they say,
“It works if you work it.”

I want you to realize that, us addicts are survivalists. We’re also extremely caring people, deep thinkers and quite often empathic. But we’re also liars. We lie to ourselves about our addiction, what we do to facilitate our addictions, our relationships and so on.

I can’t tell you that you’ve lied to yourself about this woman but I can tell you, that red flags should have gone up but you ignored them. I can’t say that you don’t love this woman but I can say that you are in a vulnerable stage of your recovery and will do and endure just about anything, not to feel like shit, as you have, when you don’t drink. In a way, she replaced the alcohol, in your addiction.She made you feel something, in a time when you felt null and void.

Back to Being Liars.

Because we are survivalists, we will endure so much and shrug it off, look the other way, pretend it’s not what it really is and often times, we are blinded. In our minds, we’ll paint a picture, all rosey and sweet, when it’s really likened to a cow chip. We are famous for this. We may even believe that drinking is our answer, just like you believe that this woman is your answer. Once again, you’ve lied to yourself. I am a liar too, so don’t think I’m throwing stones or looking down my nose at you. Nope, it takes one to know one, doesn’t it?

Addictions a tricky bitch, let me tell you. I’ll give you an example;

When you drink, every single time, there are consequences, every time. You may not see them, right off but I could make a list. Every time you drink, you act like an asshole, you become someone that is not really you. When you go past that point, from being a little tipsy, to becoming drunk, it’s no longer fun, it’s no longer a game and I’d be willing to bet, if you saw a video, of yourself, drunk and stumbling, it’d break your heart and certainly challenge your pride. That is not you, I know this. That guy, who makes a fool of himself, is not you. No, there was a time, when you were always in control and you stood erect and with a sense of dignity. People commented about what a stand-up guy you were, how hard you worked, how they could count on you, if no one else. In many ways, they still can but if you keep drinking, you can flush all that down the toilet.

Right now, you’re a functioning alcoholic(I’m speaking of when you are or were using) but give it another year and you’ll stop caring. You’ll feel so rotten in the morning, you’ll have to drink, just to get right. You’ll keep drinking to stay right and you can never predict, which drink, which swig, will send you over the edge. Next thing you know, you’ve lost your job and friends, girlfriend and everything because you just could not deny yourself. You had to drink, just to function. The lie in it all is right here, right now, you feel like you need a drink to make it all go away, to make the world right, to make it stop tilting. I know, the rational side says that’s not how you feel. But I’d bet my butt, when you’re feeling weak, you’re feeling that need, the call of the wild.

The lie in it all, is when we tell ourselves that we need it, deserve it and want it. Take the time to read, from this post…

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

The only reason, you’ve quit drinking, is simply because there must’ve been some consequence, to it. Otherwise, you’d drink and drink till you couldn’t drink anymore. We train ourselves to think of it as an answer and we over look all the bad things about it. Go ahead and name me, one good thing, that came from drinking? I’d bet, you could make a whole list of bad though, huh?

It’s the same, with this woman; you’ve tried to over look all the bad. She also made you feel good at a bad time in your life. You were extremely vulnerable, grasping for good feelings. You may have also, felt the proverbial, “*Pink Cloud,” effect. I’ve given you an excerpt from a writing below but my feeling, is not quite the same. The way I see it is, it’s easy to feel all giddy and hyped from meetings, readings, the Bible and delving into the good things, readings and so on. We must draw on positive thinking, that much is true. But there’s so much more to it. **A word about slips,(see below) is important because it shows how this Pink Cloud feeling can fool us into thinking all is well with our addiction and we mastered it. But something happens, possibly out of the ordinary and we feel the need to resort to old ways of dealing.

You can’t walk away from a meeting and think you’ve done your part, in changing yourself. My meaning is this; It took you years of conformity, to get where you are and it takes years to change those thoughts, reasoning, feelings and behaviors. Behavioral modification and a continuing emphasis on meetings, is the answer. But that starts in a simplistic way; Being truthful with yourself. Seeing things as they really are and putting things into perspective. Most of all, you must be good to yourself. For the first time, in your life, you must become selfish, in the sense that you think in a singular way. In the same self-preservationist way, you must think only of yourself and concentrate, only on you. You can’t change your ways, over night. It took you, years to become who you are. Thus, it must become a study of yourself.

Most of us, want what we want, when we want it, right? We want recover now. We want our lives to be exact, right now. We want a normal life, now. We want to play house, right now. But we don’t want to work to get it right.

I hated meetings about as much as I hate exercise. But I always came away with something, if I choose to get something from it. Notice the word choose. I also had to choose to go the distance, to get clean and stay clean.

I went to Prison for 3 1/2 years because of my addictions. I chose to learn from the situation. Then, I chose not to go back to the same ol’ same ol’, when I got out. I knew that I’d fall back into the same bullshit, if I went around the same people, mainly my husband. So, I did not go home. That would have been the easy way out but it would have been the worst thing I could have done. I had to choose the rough and rocky road, in order to change “People, Places and Things.” It is self-preservation. I had to be selfish and think only of myself. You must do the same. Truly, you will continue to be half a man, until you get some clean time under your belt. Yes, I said, “Half a man,” and who will you be good for, as a fraction? You must gain strength, within yourself. You must gain perspective and understanding of your addiction and what it is that spurs you on. What are you running from, what are you trying to shut up? These are questions, you must answer for yourself. Then, you may go onto a healthy relationship. If you stay as you are, you will, still see the world with old clouded eyes. It is not easy to stay clean but we do it or I did it, one minute at a time.

So, how does all this apply to you? I think you over looked the signs of an unhealthy relationship. On one hand, you saw it as it is, on the other, you’re telling yourself, that you miss it and her. You over looked the fact that the door hadn’t even hit her in the ass and she’d already placed herself on a dating site. We’re also very forgiving people, you are a very forgiving person, this is evident. Now, I’m not telling you to hold a grudge and not to be forgiving. But God don’t like ugly and he has an aversion for stupidity, so I tell myself. Don’t be stupid and tell yourself that you are missing out on a good thing. You’ve done the same thing, concerning your drinking and you feel deprived and resentful. Give it up, let go and let God. Let go of that resentment for the fact that you had to stop drinking and it will free your soul. Let go of the resentment for the fact that this relationship didn’t work. Stop questioning this and that about it. Let it go and concentrate on yourself and your recovery.

Have you ever seen someone drowning? I was Advanced Lifeguard Certified, years and years ago. We’d seen training films and they showed us what happens, when someone is drowning. The person goes into a panic state and they will fight. They will try to pull you down, even though you are trying to help. If you are not strong, in and of yourself and don’t know exactly what you are doing, they will pull you down and you will both drown. This is what was happening, in your relationship. You must have the capacity to see through things and be strong, on your own, know how to deal and so on, if you are to survive yourself. To keep from drowning, you must get in shape, study the situation because your very life depends on it. She may be sober but she’s not clean and she’s drowning. She’ll take you down.

We must all get clean, on our own, in our own right, on our own terms and we must choose to be clean. Nine years ago, I chose to get clean. It was not easy as I loved it more than any lover, more than anything imaginable. But it was all a lie and there was no magic. I realized that, the kind of person, I was attracted to, was this addictive type, an outlaw, a bad boy. Knowing this, I realized that if I were to get into a relationship, I’d fall back into old habits. It’s so easy to do, it’s what I know, ingrained within me. The lifestyle, I had lived was ingrained in me and my thinking was that of a woman who loved to go bar hopping and drink and drug. If I was to get away from it all, I had to stop resenting, the fact that I gave it up because of the consequences and see it for the box of shit, it really was. You must also do the same, see it for what it really is, be truthful with yourself about your life, your thinking and everything in general. You must see that relationship for exactly what it was…or drown.

Excerpt from Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous…

A word about “slips”

Most people who turn to A.A. for help achieve sobriety without too much difficulty, and continue to stay sober. Others have trouble understanding and accepting the A.A. program. All too soon, they forget what being an alcoholic means. After their physical health returns and their lives become a little more manageable, they may drift away from the program ﾗ either mentally, by forgetting its principles, or physically, by going to fewer meetings. These people may have one or more relapses or “slips.” They may get drunk again. This can be discouraging ﾗ and very painful for loved ones. Fears and feelings of hopelessness may be reawakened. But experienced A.A. members know that such slips are not necessarily repeated in the future. If the alcoholic can honestly review the kind of thinking and behavior that preceded the slip, its recurrence can often be prevented. In fact, a slip can serve as a valuable lesson for alcoholics who believe that they have been “cured” of alcoholism merely because they have been dry for a while.

Overconfidence and unrealistic thinking sometimes result in slips. Judgment becomes fuzzy, and some alcoholics begin to believe that they can now control alcohol. They may go to fewer and fewer meetings, or they may begin to criticize the people in their group, losing sight of the A.A. tradition that the alcoholic should always put the principles of the program before the personalities of its members. Or it may be that the alcoholic forgot to live life one day at a time.

Of basic importance are three frequently used A.A. slogans: “First Things First,” “Live and Let Live,” and “Easy Does It.” These are useful reminders that alcoholics are staying away from drinking one day at a time and that they are striving toward open-mindedness and serenity.

I think Glenn C. from the AA History Lovers Group at Yahoo! has explained it extremely well and I’d like to relate his words to you.

In American slang back then, when you said that someone was “on a pink cloud,” you meant that the person was in a state of temporary artificial euphoria. Being “on a pink cloud” meant that you had turned off all of your critical faculties and were temporarily living in this marvelous fantasy world where nothing ever went wrong or could go wrong.

If you went out on a date with some guy, and came back feeling all romantic and starry eyed, and convinced that you had found “Mr. Wonderful,” one of your friends might laugh and say, “well, you’re on a pink cloud now, but wait and see what the guy looks like after a month or two of going out with him on a steady basis. Wait and find out how much you end up seeing him after football season starts in a couple of weeks!”

Being “on a pink cloud” meant that you were living in a dream world, as opposed to living in the real, everyday world.

It is easy to work ourselves up into a temporary “pink cloud” by reading spiritual books that talk about loving all humanity, or “feeling one with the all,” or loving Jesus, or by standing around reciting the responsibility pledge with our eyes all starry. And there are people who try to work the AA program by hyping themselves up in that way, without doing a single thing to change their basic character, or to change their ways of actually behaving in everyday life.

CHANGED BY GRACE is the mark of true twelve step spiritual progress. Real “life changing” as the Oxford Group put it. We have to start working on using the power of grace (freely given to us for our use) to heal all of our character defects.

These are the character defects which make us angry all the time, have us attacking other people all the time and trying to bully other people into doing things our way, criticizing everybody else in the program and starting arguments all the time, refusing to help out on washing dishes, moving chairs and tables, shoveling snow, going to the grocery store to get milk or a loaf of bread. When we begin real spiritual growth, we start to heal these character defects, and then we start actually treating other people differently in all phases of our ordinary everyday life.

I’ve seen people spend years trying to artificially hype themselves up onto a pink cloud by reading the Bible (or the Torah or the Koran), talking all the time about Jesus (or Moses or Mohammed or Buddha), or reciting the Four Absolutes with pious looks on their faces. The message of this story in the Big Book was that these things are NOT good things to do, if the only reason why we are doing them, is to artificially put ourselves into a temporary “pink cloud” euphoria.

Or to put it all in five simple words, “faith without works is dead.”

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:24 AM Links to this post

Labels: AA/NA, Drowning, Pink Cloud, Saving Yourself, Self-Preservation

A Look in the Mirror

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A Look In The Mirror

This was sent to Aunt B via email…
Dear Aunt B,

I got married two years ago but my husband sometimes gets violent and beats me up. It has happened six times so far and the last time he did it i moved out and i am living with my brother. My husband wants me to go back home but i am afraid that he will beat me again. I am also afraid to end the marriage because of the shame i will feel for being married for only two years. We do not have any children. The thing is when he is nice he is so nice but when he gets angry he becomes a monster. Please tell me..how many beatings must a woman face before she calls it quits? Do violent men ever change?
Dear Friend,

Were you aware that I was in an abusive relationship? The physical abuse ended with me shooting him. Bold statement, huh?

There is a lot to that story. If I had not called the Police on him and had him arrested just two weeks before the incident, I may have gone to Prison. They investigated and knew it was self defense but really, that is not the important part of this. It was the most God awful day of my life. I watched as they took him away, dieing, this man that I loved, I had almost mortally wounded. I had taken the beatings, over and over, in a sick twisted process, thinking it was love. That is not love, no matter how much they say they are sorry.

A man that has been allowed to get away with a behavior, will almost always revert back to it. He will put you in your place, every opportunity, he can. I guarantee, that behavior will not decimate on it’s own. It will not go away, it will not stop, as long as he is allowed to do it.

I became isolated, partly by him and partly on my own. If my family had seen my black eyes, there would have been big trouble. Before I shot him, he beat me in a fit of rage. He beat me beyond recognition. I had blood clots and could have died from that beating. There was so much blood, trapped in my face, it dripped down the inside of my neck, like paint drips on a wall. I felt so ugly.

The courts let him out, just two short weeks later. Of course he was sorry but was angry because I had him jailed. How inconvenient , huh? He began to try to make me pay for his short incarceration. I’d had enough and came out with a .22 rifle and told him to leave. He backed me down and I shot him point blank, in the stomach. It exited his back, nicked his liver and kidney, almost killing him. I was never the same, either and I’ll leave it at that.

Ask him to go to Anger Management. If he refuses, he does not recognize his problem. Denial is the first issue. Make sure you pay attention to this. If he’s said he’s sorry simply because he had a couple of little consequences, for his actions and is not sorry for the action, nor understands it, you have your hands full. If he refuses counseling, do not go back. I don’t care what shame you think you may endure, having your arm broke in half, as I did and then not being allowed to go to the hospital for three days, for fear, he may get in trouble, is more shameful than anything else. Prisons are full of women, who’d had enough. They’d kept it all a secret because of that shame factor and in a survivors clutch, they killed their oppressor. Try that shame on for size. How do I know all this? I went to prison. After that shooting, I felt into an inescapable abyss of self-destruction and addiction. I was ultimately, incarcerated. Talk about shame.

Look in the mirror and answer to yourself. The hell with what anybody else thinks. The shame you see, of believing that a beating is just the cost of good love, well, you need to question it. Never worry what anyone else thinks, I don’t care what it is, as long as you are being completely honest with yourself. Be true to yourself, always.

If he won’t go to counseling, he’s in denial and all the lies, in the world, won’t account for his mindset. He is lying to you and to himself, if he really thinks, he’ll never hit you again. I’ll stake my life on it.

National Domestic Hotline