Friday, March 16, 2007
Red Flags
Dear Aunt B,
I am 31 years old and have been single for a very very long time – 5 years. In those 5 years I’ve met a few guys and dated a fair bit but 7 weeks ago I met someone very special someone who I click with but several issues are coming up. I’m scared that I may be finding things to sabotage the relationship, or that I am being naïve – we get on so well, we talk, connect, click, really like each other and are really attracted to each other. He calls when he says he will, says all the right things, spends time with me and my friends but he drinks 7 days a week, from 3 beers up to 12 beers a night. I’ve asked him to cut down and he agrees but has only been sober or didn’t drink at all once really. He starts drinking with his brother when he gets home from work, has cut down a bit for me, I virtually [do not] drink so it’s a problem for me. It also stinks and makes him snore.
He is putting on a lot of weight almost 5kgs in the short time I know him, eats a lot off junk food, eats triple the amount I eat and it is so off putting. I am a bit of the obsessive eating disorder type, always worrying about my weight and am watching someone cram wedges in his mouth.
He has an 8 year old son who I met once and told his dad he didn’t like me. So the next day my boyfriend barely spoke to me, touched me or looked at me in front of his son.
Later when we spoke he told me how important his son is to him, told his family that I was in a mood (which I was) and twice has laughed at me when I’ve told him how insecure I get.
Am I fooling myself? It’s 70% fantastic, loving, has potential and then there are these things – I am not sure if I should be having such issues after such a short time or if I am looking for trouble.
I would love your advice!
Dear Reader,
This is a tough one, my friend. I may have to shoot from the hip on this and hope, fervently, that I do not hurt anyone’s feelings.
At 31 years old, I assume your fella, is similar in age? Regardless, I think, you have every reason to worry here. We’ll attempt to address the most important situations first.
I don’t know if you’ve read any of my other posts? In the event that you have not, I will tell you, I am an addict in recovery. I drank like a fish, lived with a man, who drank like a whale and we are both recovering from drug addiction, where my drug of choice, was Heroin. I have been clean from heroin for 9 years. I tell you this, so you may know two things; there is hope, it is possible to rise above addiction and I speak from experience.
True love, is deaf, dumb, blind, crippled and crazy and sometimes, plain ol’ stupid. Often times, you will not see fault. I do believe they call it, “Falling in Love,” for a reason, you just might “Fall.”
Your guy, without a doubt in my mind, is an Alcoholic or so it appears. You just can’t sugar coat this. He may be, what they call a, “Functional Alcoholic,” but the label fits. A person that drinks more than an occasional beer, as in this case, is no longer a social drinker. There is no gray area here. It is only gray, if the person is in denial and paints it gray. Now, this does not mean he is a bad person. In fact, I think he may have fallen into what I like to call,
*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™
Let me explain, using my own Dad, as example. My Dad is 77, so this is many, many years ago but it aptly applies to today…
When my Dad was 17 years old, he was getting ready to leave for the Navy. His Father, a Captain, in the Navy, told him, he was a man now and he wanted to teach him one of life’s most valuable lessons. He sat him down, with two shot glasses on the kitchen table. He put water in one of the shot glasses and whiskey in the other. He then, dropped a worm, in each shot glass and told my Dad to watch. A couple minutes passed and my Grandfather asked my Dad, what he saw? He stated that, the worm in the water was still swimming and the worm in the whiskey had died. My Grandfather nodded his head, pulled out two more shot glasses, filled them with whiskey, handed one to my Dad, held one up and downed it. He then exclaimed, “That’s right son, always drink whiskey and you’ll never have worms. Now, drink up.” This was his homespun initiation into manhood. True story!
You may have even read this story somewhere else, as I have but it may be, that is how Father’s ushered in their sons, way back when. In the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and possibly, even today, father’s still had the idea, that on their sons 18th Birthday, it was proper to throw them a booze party. I’ve heard, the likes, of Dad’s taking their sons to a strip joint, a night out of drinking and painting the town, “Red, White and Blue.” This mentality, was instilled, that to be a true man, you drank, it is your God given right. The myth, was ingrained, that you work hard, 40+ hours and when you did, you deserved to buy a six-pack of beer. That is the “Manly” thing to do. What a crock o’crap, huh? To further screw up America, we as women, in our fight for equality, have picked up this premise, as well. Statistics show that women and addiction have skyrocketed.
Unfortunately, many people, men and women alike, fell into the clutches of addiction, along the way. It’s much more complicated than simply thinking that this observation is why we drink. There are three contributing factors in addiction. They are;
* Predisposition
* Socio-Cultural
* Environmental
Having a parent(s) who may be an Alcoholic/Addict or have the mentality, can be a huge contributing factor. A learned behavior is another. Going to College, binge drinking or even hangin’ in the ‘hood, doing drugs, watching what other people do, thinking it is what is normal, can, as well, instill a behavior, bad behaviors, at that. Values and beliefs, not to mention, the way we are hard-wired, our DNA, all play a factor in Chemical Dependency.
So, why did I tell you all this? I tell you this because I want you to realize, that it is not as simple as asking him to limit his drinking. It is a rare scenario, where anybody that drinks 7 days a week, even a simple six-pack, does not do it for a reason. It is actually rather complex, more than I can explain to you, even here. I would suggest, your investigation of addiction, to understand it better. There are medical issues, that now factor in.
*Quite often, drugs and drinking, go hand in hand. We must understand that they and their effects are also one and the same. A chemical is a chemical. Take what you learn and put it in your tool belt, it will help you understand this insidious disease.
Why is he drinking? This has to be your question, to ask yourself and possibly him. I’d bet that there are underlying problems, things he’s running from, things he shutting up, chasing away. I’ve yet to meet anyone, who didn’t have valid reasons, in their mind, why they drank. Life sucks and to live life on life’s terms is not easy. Even if, all the problems go away, it’s not easy to physically stop drinking, especially, after you’ve been drinking, at least, a six-pack a day. Now, it is a physical dependence, not just a mental, shake off the blues, situation.
Red flags must have already gone up, concerning his behavior. You would not have written me, unless that had happened and you wanted validation. Yes, I do think you need to be concerned. It’s no joke and not to be taken lightly. Jumping into a relationship, with someone who is clearly an alcoholic, is a serious undertaking. Now, I am not saying it is not possible, for him to get clean. What I am saying is that all the wishing in the world, from you, won’t get him there. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal. This is and does, go hand in hand with step one of Alcoholics Anonymous;
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
How does a proud man, admit that he has fallen, especially when he believes the, *Great American Myth?™
It has to start with him understanding that alcohol has had an adverse effect on him, his relationships and will ultimately, cost him his life. He must realize that his 8 year old son should not have to watch his father, in the throws of addiction. Also, let me add quickly, that although a Father should be concerned, what their child thinks, it is not that child’s decision as to who his Dad’s life partner will be, should or shouldn’t be. They often have a hard time accepting anyone. His Dad needs to understand that but to behave as he did is quite regrettable and wrong. That gives the child license, to be mean, if you ask me. The child may not like you but he needs to respect you, show respect and behave accordingly. I stand with you on this one. I’d point this out to your guy that you realize that, they don’t have to embrace you but he should understand that you will be afforded respect and nothing less… NOTHING!
You also mentioned that his behavior, concerning eating, bothers you, right? You have every right in the world, to be concerned about his eating habits. But you must proceed carefully here, as well. Your habits are yours, his are his. You’ll have to approach it, realizing that eating is also the way we were raised and so on. Eating healthy does not always come naturally. If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you just begin to show him, how to adapt. If you cook for him, make something that is good but close to a comfort food. He’ll equate that, “Hey, this eating healthy gig’s not so bad?” I mean something like a nice chicken breast, baked with Mashed Cauliflower (tastes just like mashed potatoes) with butter and a nice salad. You have to start somewhere, right? But I think, you’ve got bigger fish to fry here. Meaning this situation with his alcohol abuse, is where you need to start. This sure is no Overnite Delivery, a fix that happens quickly.
Your Answer
It is my impression, that you have a lot of red flags here, as I mentioned before. I ask you, to ask yourself, are you capable of “fixing” this fella? Do you want to fix him? It is possible to be supportive but you can not,
I repeat, can not fix anybody. Nope, they have to fix themselves and they have to do it for themselves, first and foremost.
If you choose to be supportive, I offer this analogy,
“Take that bull by the horns and ride.”
This early in the relationship, you really have nothing to lose by being perfectly honest. Call it like it is, kindly, or walk away and cut you loses.
Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean.
AA/NA helped me and long before my true addiction surfaced, I had gone to meetings about addiction, to understand my own Father’s (my real Dad) alcoholism. Study all you can and I will put links here to help you. You need a pretty big Tool Belt to tackle this one, if you do, choose to do this.
My inner loyalty, to you, says get out while the gettin’s good. But if you truly care about this guy, you need to tell him so but that you will not live with his drinking. See, you have a right to be happy, too. Do not feel guilty, if you walk away now. As I said before, you can’t fix anybody. This is our first mistake, thinking we can take charge of things. We can’t change anybody, we can only suggest, advise and support. No, the change has to come from within, in the person that is having the behavioral problem. When you challenge someone’s values and beliefs, get ready for some flak. Now, it may very well be that he doesn’t like this drinking every single day and he may be aware that he has a problem. You need to sit him down and calmly, patiently ask him, if he perceives himself with a problem. Whatever you do, do not have a condescending tone. This will cause him to put up a defensive wall. He will take a survival posture and will virtually be unable to look at his problem. You’ve got to come off, in a loving manner. At the same time, you must make it a point, that he knows, you can not and will not live with this behavior, no if ands or buts about it. You don’t have to and you won’t. Now, he can go and get help, look at this, do something about it or you can go on your merry way. It’s quite possible and plausible, that he may have to enter a Rehab setting. I don’t believe he could physically, just quit. I recommend seeking Medical Advice, in a Treatment setting. This is very important. Please see it as just that, possibly the single most important thing I tell you; Seek a Professional!!
Tell him, it’s time, to pull the Band-Aid off. Even if you were to walk away from him tomorrow, you are planting a seed. You are letting him know, that his behavior is not acceptable and he needs to get help. If he’s not real receptive to jumping into a Rehab, ask him to go to an AA/NA meeting. They’ll plant seeds also and they can be your support group. It’s free and the coffee, is usually palatable. They are real people, who’ve walked down the same path.
I guess the big question here, I pose to you, is what are you willing to do, or what length are willing to go, to support your guy? Only you can answer this, right?
If you choose to support him in recover, realize that it’s a life long battle. It is treatable but you must brace yourself for the storms. I guarantee this much…it will not go away on its own. Start with talking, not pointing the finger but merely asserting understanding and willingness to support him, if he chooses to get clean. You’d better stand by what you say, too. If you tell him that, you can not tolerate this situation as it exists and if does not choose to get help, you will walk away, you’d better mean it. If you allow it, you will enable him and he will not believe that there are repercussions for his actions. You’ve got to let him fall before he can pick himself up. If your love is important to him, he’ll see that he will lose you, if he does not seek help. Most of us addicts have to hit some form of bottom, to realize that we need to climb out. It is a treacherous climb. Throw him a line, by giving him the information, where the meetings, are located. Tell him you will help him, only if he helps himself. He’ll either grab hold of that line or lay there till it stinks enough. When it stinks, as you’ve already said it did and he’s not willing to smell it and realize he is offending, get out.
Be prepared. Have your list of meetings, do your homework if it’s important enough to you and hand it all to him. Then, it is “His” decision. If you put it just like that, then he’ll feel just that;
That it’s his decision!
Work on one thing at a time, Girlfriend. Pray and brace yourself. I wish you only the very best. Now, go get it!
Keeping It Real,
Aunt Babz
The relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for “reaching” and helping an uncontrolled drinker.
In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.
The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered alcoholics describe their personal experiences in achieving sobriety, and to read A.A. literature describing and interpreting the A.A. program.
A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact alcoholics. At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.
**The body stops producing endorphins. Endorphins are our body’s natural pain killer. We have receptor’s in our brain, where the endorphins plug in. Try to picture sockets, in the brain, similar to a car. Where you would screw in the spark plug, the endorphins plug in, when we are in pain. The correlation being that the receptors, when there is a constant use of i.e. opiates or any kind of chemical, stop producing. They think they no longer need to produce the chemical.
*How alcohol produces intoxicating effects in the brain is not entirely understood. Most drugs have a specific receptor in the brain. For example, cocaine acts through the dopamine transporter, heroin acts through the opioid receptor, and marijuana acts through the cannabinoid receptor. These are proteins in the cell membrane that shuttle the drugs into the brain cell, where they act much like your body’s own neurotransmitters to excite or depress nerve cells. Alcohol, however, appears to have no specific receptor in the brain. Instead, it seems to affect the receptors for several neurotransmitters, including the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) receptor. GABA is one of the major messenger chemicals in the brain. It reduces the transmission of impulses between nerve cells. Alcohol can either increase or decrease GABA function in different areas of the brain, leading to inhibitory effects (such as loss of judgment) and excitatory effects (such as feelings of exhilaration). Other receptors that may be affected include those for N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), glutamate, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine. These are all natural substances produced in the brain that control things like behavior, memory, sensation, and mood. The variety of chemical pathways that are disrupted can explain the myriad effects that alcohol has on behavior and brain function.
For additional information, see the following websites:
http://alcoholism.about.com/health/alcoholism/
library/blnaa35.htm
http://www.arf.org/isd/pim/alcohol.html
This comment was sent to Aunt B via email…
Babs,
Thank you very much for a very honest answer. It’s funny I have teased him about being an alcoholic but as you said it’s a functional abuse of alcohol – he acts fine, he seems fine.
I have read all your advice and will take it on board. There are a few issues we will need to address and at least this way I can support him and have a potentially healthy relationship rather than fix him or feel like a victim. If he can’t see himself with a problem or is unable to seek help – I feel so much for him already; I am not sure where this will go. I really appreciate your answer.
What really scares me is while there are so many good things and such a good connection; there are so many cons as well. I keep finding issues and problems with things and I am wondering if I am a wannabe fixer and a bit of a control freak who is after the perfect boyfriend. I also need to accept several of my own habits and tendencies as my own and his as his.
Thank you for also saying that you have dealt with your own addictions and sought help –
Much appreciated
Phew I feel so much better getting this all out and seeing what I have to deal with; I was thinking that I am such a sabotager.
*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™ is a Trademark of BoAB
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Anorexia, D.A.R.E., Doors of Communication, Drugs, Drugs and Drinking, Encouraging Words
Doors of Communication
In 12 Step Program, AA/NA, AA/NA Meetings, Affairs of the Heart, Alcoholism, Aunt Babz Commentary, Aunt Babz Expose', Encouraging Words, Uncategorized on May 9, 2009 at 12:34 amWrite Ask Aunt B @ mzbabz@comcast.net
This is an Aunt B expose’
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Doors of Communication
Dear Reader’s,
As of late, I’ve found myself visiting the blogs of people, I don’t really know on the sidebars of some regulars I read. A lot of these blogs are about being the parent of a drug addict. So very sad.
And it occurred to me that God has blessed me with really being the only F***-Up in the family. What I mean by this is that while my daughter struggles with an addiction to Soma, my three sons really do not practice, note that word, “Practice” current and/or hard core drug use.
There’s no pat on the back for this because they watched as I shot up Heroin, drank whiskey shots like a seasoned Sailor and basically lived a life of every day crime.
Yea, I used to kid, “A Crime a day, keeps the Doctor away,” meaning I wouldn’t be dope sick if I committed some crime, scam, scheme, whatever it took to get my bundle of Heroin. And you can bet your ass, before I started doing heroin and was taking massive quantities of pills/opiates, I stole or wrote/forged Prescriptions for years to facilitate my habits as well as my husbands. I’m certainly not proud of this and as I write it, I could just puke.
If I’d tell you some of the rotten awful things I did, you’d probably say, “OMG Babz, you did not?” But I did and the past person I was, is a different person. I even changed my name from Barbara to Babz cause I’m not “her/Barb” anymore.
It saddens me though when I read some of the pain this Drug War has caused. And that’s exactly what it is, an all out War on and against, especially the juvenescence of today. This shit is taking your children hostage and promises to kill, harm or maim them for life. And of course, your life will never be the same.
First let me say that I don’t claim to know it all, hell I’m just recently beginning to realize this and am hell bent for leather to learn all sorts of sordid details. Not really, actually I want to know and learn, sew and say all the best I can in the time allotted me, left on this earth. I have a whole butt load of Karma, the good one, I need to replenish and give back. And I know Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ on a first name basis. I met her in Prison…
As I stood on that bridge, (another story in itself), ready to jump into the icy waters below. Here I was out, in the middle of a blizzard, no one on the roads, on the hunt for dope. I scored one bag but couldn’t do it because I had to walk home first and share that one bag with my SOB husband who divided it, giving him the bigger portion. It was barely enough to even get myself right much less the two of us.
Dope sick, barely able to stand, I threw my leg over the bridge railing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw headlights. This storm was so bad even the natives were nestled in, all except for me and this one man in his car. I remember being pissed, thinking, “WTF???,” as I put my leg back down. He slowed down, just as he came upon me. His passenger side window was down, the street lamp illuminating his face.
Now, I don’t know if you believe in Angels or not but I sure do…NOW! This old white haired man, scraggly and I even think he was missing some teeth, smiled so warmly, the smile actually embraced me. I can’t explain it. I fell on my knees in the snow. There was a “Silent Scream” only heaven could hear. My tears almost froze to my face as I begged God for forgiveness. I also begged Him to help me, “Please God, I can’t do this anymore, please help me?”
I didn’t even say what it was that I needed help with but He knew. I’d tried to get help at the Hospital and for one, they told me I wasn’t sick enough to be admitted to the Hospital. Secondly, they said that both my husband and myself could not be admitted at the same time to the same Rehab. The intake evaluator guy was a real dick and offered no solution.
Neither one of us would dare leave the other out to fend for ourselves, especially considering I was my husbands meal ticket, I did all the dirty work which, to this day he readily admits. But they had shot us down anyway, as I said stating that we weren’t sick enough. I remember thinking how much I hated that guy just about the same time as I fell off the curb, cracking my head open on the bumper of a taxi cab (which I couldn’t even afford to take at the time and had to walk) because I was so weak I could hardly stand.
The Gift???
Well, it wasn’t all shiny or wrapped up in a big Pink or Red Bow. And it sure as hell wasn’t pretty. But God gave me a wonderful gift…He threw me, lock, stock and barrel, right into jail and then onto to my 2 1/2 to 5 year State Prison venture. It took some time for me to realize “The Gift.” It took a hot minute before I wasn’t so pissed off that I could spit nails. It took even longer for me to come to a realization that God had saved my life by throwing my sorry butt into Prison.
Bitter or Blessed???
Yes, good ol’ Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ gave me time to think and think and think. I’d been sentenced up to 5 years of my life for something I didn’t do, I just couldn’t prove it from where I was sitting. That’s a whole other story in itself but suffice it to say, I WAS GUILTY just not for the exact crime listed on the Indictment!
I’d done so many awful, God forsaken things, I deserved to be exactly where I was, I actually deserved Life. But how does one garner wisdom amongst the best criminals, insanest, meanest, nastiest people this world has to offer? You study them and yourself, which is exactly what I did. I turned the whole experience around, flipped the script and did everything I could to learn from it.
I took special notes concerning the fact that most of the inmates were there because of drugs, drinking, drug sales. I studied them, their behavior and I listened intently to what they had to say. As well, I was given the opportunity to go into a six month In-House Rehab Program called New Beginnings, while I was incarcerated. You are pretty much sequestered during this extremely strict program. I worked that bitch like my life depended on it, (which it actually did)all the while going through intense Interferon Treatment for Hep C.
So by going to prison, I broke the chain of heroin abuse, I broke the chain of domestic abuse that I’d endured for more than a decade and I think I broke the chain of events that led up to and facilitated a lot of my killing my self slowly behaviors. I even think I may have learned to like myself again. And it was all a Blessing, big time.
Again, it took a while to understand the mechanics of it all but I realize that most people that go in to prison come out one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. Unfortunately, the majority come out real angry for having their lives disrupted and they’re surely not remorseful. In fact most are mad because they were caught.
For me, it was a time to stop and reflect, to learn and gain knowledge about myself as well as others; what makes them tick, what causes them to behave as they do and why do they continue in the same vein of unhappy addictions and addictive behaviors. These are all seen, in my eyes, as gifts.
I was also given a gift in the capacity to remember everything about how I felt and why I did things, especially concerning my teen years. I recall, collectively, what spurred me on to drugs-n-drinking. I now have the resounding collection of “Do Not’s” squarely fixed in my mind. If I was told;
Do Not Do Drugs
Do Not Drink
Do Not Have Sex
Do Not Share A Needle
Do Not Drink-n-Drive
Do Not Play With Guns
Do Not Go W/O Your Seat Belt…
I did it…and got addicted, got pregnant, got Hep C and on and frigin’ on.
Yes, it’s a gift that I can remember all this and have not burned out all my brain cells. I was in a really bad car accident(I was hit by two cars, drag racing, one head-on) when I was just 18. I had massive head trauma from going through the windshield. I was hurt badly enough they were going to put me in a Nursing Home. Besides the injuries that were visible, I had a terrible problem with short term memory loss.
My long term memory was not affected and I can even remember playing in my crib, climbing out and finding a bottle under my crib that was sour. I can also remember going for long walks with my Mom, in the stroller. To tide me over, my Mom would put chocolaty “*Metracal” in my bottle. It was a popular a diet drink back in the early sixties. The thing is, my Mom, who proudly exclaimed she followed the orders of “Dr. Spock” had me off the bottle by 18 months old. This means that I have memories of and before I was 18 months old.
The point is that, painful as it might be, I remember how I felt about things, especially as a teen. I mean, I can remember how hurt I was by the comments of boys like when they called me “Boobie Barbara” in 6th grade. As well I distinctly remember how I felt that I could not go to my Mom and Dad to talk about my personal problems and complexes, notable to a teen with such low self-esteem as I had. I felt fat and ugly, fueled by comments innocently spewed(I hope?) by my own Mother.
I was certainly not able to talk about sex and such. They were either too busy chasing the American Dream or had too many hang-ups themselves about personal issues. My own Mom was mean, hateful and beat the livin’ shit out of me on a daily basis. It’s no wonder I sought love in all the wrong places. They were “Unapproachable.”
The best advice I could give to any parent is to be aware of the doors of communication. Are they closed? That’s when you seem unapproachable or maybe you’re too busy with work and your children don’t feel they can come and talk to you about anything and everything. This is the exact spot, the very pinpoint to the beginning of the end.
See, when your kid can’t come to you and ask you anything or talk to you about what’s going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly or you down play their emotions and you can bet your ass they have them, that’s when the problems begin. Now they’re going to go to their friends for advice and that sense of family. That’s when your daughter is going to seek counsel, love, whatever from some older guy.
You have to realize that their emotions run the gambit from desires to be older to emotional immaturity as in holding onto childhood behaviors. One day they’ll seem and believe that they’re all grown up while the next they’ll do something very childish and immature. But the thing you have to remember is that this is their emotions and they are really real.
You can not leave it up to the school system to raise your child. As well, you can not leave it up to the school system to teach your child about sex and drugs either. While D.A.R.E. is a good program, parents, you’ve still got to sit down with your kids and *talk to them about drugs, drinking, sex, peer pressure, cyber bullying, internet predators and unfortunately you’ve got to let them in on the very worst secret of all; That it is not all lollipops and cotton candy out there. There are people in this world that can and will harm them.
Do You Know Them???
Note the word “Talk.” Now, when you speak to your child, of course, you want to command respect. If you want a rapport with your children though you’ve got to be mindful of these doors of communication and are they open, always open, 24/7? And do you speak down to them? Speak over them? Speak above them?
The big question of the day is this; Do you really, really know your child? Does your child have a secret side for fear of chastisement, punishment or retribution? Do they have that secret side because you might not understand?
I don’t claim to be the sharpest peanut in the turd but I will say, if nothing else, I am observant. I see parents all the time, especially Mothers who treat their teens as equals, as a friend and are almost fearful of disciplining their child, expressly their adolescent children. These are quite often the Moms who want to be the “Cool Mom” on the block. They tend to look the other way rather than deal with the ginormous monstrosity that is their child.
I know all this because I was that Mom who wanted to be the “Cool Mom.” And because of my own addictive behaviors and thinking, I allowed my own kids to get high, in the bathroom, in my own home. I also taught my children all the finer things in life where it concerns being a good criminal.When they busted me, it was front page news and the headline read, something like, “Busted; Ma Barker & Her Boys.” I was shackled to my youngest son, for God’s sake. Does it get any badder than that?
“Let Go & Let God”
For those parents that have kids already down that road, going down Addiction Alley, I pray that you will find calm assurance and realize the power of prayer. I’ll pray that you see that you’ll have to allow them to fall before they can ever climb up. This is one of the absolute hardest things a Mom can go through because we can’t stand for our children to hurt. But the thing is, they’ve got to feel the burn, they’ve got to know that no one, short of God is going to save them. They’ve got to feel the repercussions of their actions or they’ll continue to carry on, every day, in the same way. You’ve got to stay in prayer and allow them to hit their own personal bottom, now, before it’s too late.
Open 24/7
If you are a parent of a pre-teen or teenager, I hope you will see the relevance of and awareness of those doors of communication, that I mentioned before. And I want you to take a long hard look at what is really important in this life; Is it that American Dream you keep chasing? You know the one where you think that both of you need to work over time to keep that second SUV in the garage, have a t.v. in every room, give your kid the best of the best, a cell phone, computer and on and on. But check this out: You work over time to get all this crap that you must ask yourself, “Do I really need all this to define happiness?”
Yes, you have to work over time and then you feel guilty for it so you think you’ll compensate your kid by buying them all the things you didn’t have growing up. But for real, what they need is YOU, not all this BS you work so hard to get.
The pitch line here is this; Parents, your children need you. Are you really there for them? Do you really know your child?
Hypethetically Speaking;
Did you know that a 23 year old guy is talking to your daughter, online and treats her all grown up and tells her how he desires her so badly?
(He wants to meet her and is trying to talk her into it. She’s scared but wants to be desired by somebody, anybody. She believes she’s ugly so she’s just ecstatic because somebody has taken an interest in her.)
Did you know that your son has been driving around with his pals, getting drunk in order to fit in with the rest of the football team?
(I mean he just wants to be accepted but he’s playing with death)
Did you know that the reason your daughter is so thin is because she’s Anorexic?
(Yea, she was a bit chubby and the kids made fun of her, especially the boys)
Did you know that your child’s failing grades are because she’s caught up with a group of girls, “The Stoners?”
(She was doing fairly well but because of her low self-esteem she wanted to be accepted into the cliche of girls, you know the bad ones who’ll steer her wrong. Those girls are not the prettiest or brightest so she feels safe amongst them because they really can’t put her down. She’ll start skipping school so she can hang out at that friends house who’s Mom, a single mother, is always at work and they can party at her house and not get caught)
There are so many, “Do You Know’s” you must ask yourself, about your child. And I could go on forever but suffice it to say, it’s preventive medicine if you try to get to really know your child, reach out to them and let them know that they have permission to come to you about anything, especially before they do it.
Take A Look!
Your kids are less apt to seek out that sense of family, if they are still getting it at home. Take A Look! If you want them to learn about this life’s ups and downs and why they should or shouldn’t do something, you’d better assume the role of parent and teach them yourself. Take A Look!
If you want them to understand that drugs-n-drinking just might take them down, you’d better teach them yourself. But it’s not good enough to simply say, “Now, don’t you do this or that.” No, you’ve got to explain why and a 5 minute talk on the subject is not going to do. You’ve got to explain how they can get out of the situation if they are offered drugs or any illicit behavior.
Your best bet is to arm yourself with an understanding of addiction and addictive behaviors. I suggest you study all you can on the subject so you may be armed with an educated opinion on the subject.
Teaching them to “Just Say No to Drugs” is not enough. What I mean by this is while the school system teaches them some on the subject, they don’t know your child, what makes them who they are and what might cause them to turn to drugs/drinking. That is a question you must ask yourself before it happens. That is pertinent to you and your child and something you must face together.
Don’t make the stupid mistake of assuming that your child will never mess around with drugs and/or drinking. It’s safer to say that they will be faced with it and just telling them to, again, “Just Say No to Drugs” is not enough. You’ve got to delve into the subject, the meat of the whole shabang. And that entails letting them know, showing them what happens when you play with fire; you will get burned.
Your best stance, to take might be to let them know that getting high is an escape they may never be able to escape from. Tell them that if they do have an addictive personality and they do try drugs, it will ruin their lives. Notice that I didn’t say “might ruin their lives.” Drugs will most certainly place your kid on the road of self destruction. They’ve got to know why it’s so dangerous to try; They may think they love it, need it and will then do anything to get it. That’s the truth of the matter.
Speak to them now, before it’s too late!
Keeping It Real,
Aunt B
*1950s through the ’70s:
Metracal was the first weight-loss shake product, adapted from baby formula by Mead Johnson
Nutritionals. It was wildly successful. The company also marketed Metracal cookies. Metracal is now off
the market.
Source; Whatever Happened To…
History of Diets
Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 3:24 PM
Labels: Anorexia, D.A.R.E., Doors of Communication, Drugs, Drugs and Drinking
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