"My Life"

Because Aunt B cusses sometimes!

Dear Aunt Babz,

To whom it may concern,

I need advice, and up until now I can’t seem to find logical answers to my dilemma. It concerns my job and my health, and I am almost at the end of my rope. I will explain.

I am a 52 yr. old male, college educated, and work in the maintenance dept. of a local hospital as a maintenance mechanic. I am responsible for repairing and maintaining all the machinery in the hospital and it’s surrounding facilities. Among them being all housekeeping equipment, all laundry equipment, some kitchen equipment, hospital beds, exhaust fans, water pumps, air handlers (heating and cooling), compressors, and sump pumps. This list is so overwhelming to me it has begun to severely stress me out. My blood pressure is out of control, although I am on medication, my weight has increased by about 50 lbs. since starting this job, and I feel trapped with nowhere to go. I have frequent migraines, and in fact today I called in sick because of it. I have missed a lot of work due to these headaches, and if it weren’t for the Family Medical Leave Act, I would likely have lost my job by now. Last year I missed 43 days due to severe headaches, and I have missed 4 days this year (month) already.

In the beginning these responsibilities were split between me and another mechanic, but in March the other person is going to retire and our supervisor has pretty much given all of his work to me as well. What makes this job even more stressful is that when it was “given” to me I was totally unqualified to do the job. I was literally forced to take the position. Our hospital has a union, in which I am a part of, and in 1998 there was a strike over benefits and other issues. During this strike certain employees must have done things on the picket line that didn’t agree with management, so when the strike ended they felt they had a “score” to settle with these employees. So once we were all back to work, the management began shuffling people around to get to the people they had targeted.

Jobs were eliminated, people were laid off, and in my case, I was called in to the boss’ office and “strongly encouraged” to take another position (my current, mechanic job), which in his words it was “in my best interest” to take the job, otherwise my current position could be eliminated and I would be unemployed. Apparently I was “in the way” of a certain employee who had more seniority than I, but to get to them I had to be moved out of the way. I enjoyed my previous position, mostly because it had a lot less responsibility attached to it, although the pay was much less. Last year I made a little over $51,000, which isn’t bad for a single person working in this particular area of the country. I have worked at this hospital for 29 years, and over those years my pay has increased steadily, and I have basically gone as far as I can go on the so-called “ladder of success” at this hospital. And I use the word “success” with tongue-in-cheek.

My health has suffered greatly while at this position, and I don’t have to tell you how hard it would be to leave and find anything else that even comes close to my current income, especially with the current state of the economy in this country. I have considered selling everything I own, which in a lifetime one accumulates a certain amount of things as his/her career progresses. I have a home, 2 vehicles (car and truck), and live comfortably on my income.

So that is it in a nutshell. I don’t know if I should quit, sell everything, and move into a small apartment, or do something more drastic. I have thought of suicide, and yes, I know that is pretty drastic. But at this time I don’t think I could go that far, mostly because I have a dog that I absolutely adore and couldn’t leave because she needs me. (ha ha) But I am desperately looking for a way out of this situation. The local job service suggested going back to school and learning another trade, but with me being 52 now, and probably being at least 54 or older when getting out of school, the chances of anyone wanting to hire a person in this advanced age and paying them very much would be very remote. So that idea doesn’t seem logical..

I know it is a very complex problem, and I have struggled for a long time trying to come up with a solution. I have been to counseling, talked to my pastor, and even tried talking to my bosses about this. My bosses don’t seem to care about my personal issues, and in my opinion they are just waiting on me to “crack”. And I don’t mind telling you that I feel I am getting close to a nervous breakdown, but I keep trying to fight it.

Sorry this is so long, but with all that is going on I couldn’t have condensed the story to make any sense of it, so this is how it turned out.

What are your thoughts?

Sincerely,
Gary

Dear Gary,

I am not 53, but I completely know what you are talking about, 100%. See here is a little insight into the realm of Xmichra’s real world: I hate my current position and it has been horrid on my health too. I had a very great position, worth a lot less money, before I took on this “assignment” and have regretted it almost every day since ( I think I was in shell shock the first week).

My job now is very stressful, very time consuming, and not at all where my passion is. I was in a very similar situation to you regarding the job offer, and sincerely wish I hadn’t taken it. I am currently on maternity leave, and thank the gods because this break is needed for me to figure out what I can do and can’t do (because like you, I do need money to live and this job has it).

I understand the dynamic of this economy (even though I do live in Canada, it is still affecting us as well) and the hesitancy to leave a stable and profitably employer. But when you get to the point where you are, and that is to say you would consider taking your own life as a way out, then you HAVE to think about solutions that albeit are scary to undertake, are necessary.

You mentioned that you didn’t feel schooling would be a good option, but I disagree. I know of quite a few people who have gone back to school in their later years to improve their knowledge (and resume) and have had success in finding a well paying job afterwards. There is something to be said for a person who has lived a life, held a job for over 20 years, can change and learn, and still enjoys learning. And that is definitely something that as a person who employees others, I would look at very positively. And I know others do as well. But if you don’t want to go back to school (which is fine) there is a bit of a crunch out there for work, so you would be thinking about “in the mean time” while you were unemployed. This may take a long time, so make sure that you can still remain comfortable while in transition.

I will ask though, have you seen the doctor about all this?? I am assuming that you are covered by health care (most union workers are) for things like long term disability. And with the amount of times you miss work due to headaches/migraines; you should be seeing a doctor every single time and getting that documented. You should also get things like weight gain and depression looked after. Seriously, if the job is that bad for your health and you feel like you cannot lose your job because of this economy so you have to go…. well you may want to look into getting a documented case for LTD. Just a suggestion.

Ultimately you want to make a choice here, and you know what it is. You don’t want to do this job anymore. So now you need a way out, that is good for your life. Because really, why would you want to commit suicide? You have the means to downgrade your living expenses and to leave the job, which would fix your situation to enjoy your life. And that is the point right? To enjoy your life. Sometimes we have to take drastic measures to ensure our own happiness and well being, and this is one situation where I think you have given ample amounts of thought into things, and you know what you would have to do in order to live well.

There will be no safety net, and you know this. So you need to rely on your own assets and skills. You can and will find another job (maybe not one as high paying) and you can downsize your expenses. You have the ability to try something new. You also have the right (check with your union on timing) to take an unpaid leave of absence to figure things out (usually for 3 months). So use your union for the better, take the chances you need to take, and get your life back!

Good Luck, and I hope you find your happiness again.

~Xmichra.

Dear Gary,

I pray I am given the very words to calm your Spirit. I can feel that you are at your wits end. I can also appreciate your effort in taking the time to write us here at Aunt B.

Just now, I caught myself reading Xmichra’s answer(before I post and write to you), a no-no in my book but damn if I wasn’t curious as to what she responded to you. I had to walk away from the computer so I wouldn’t cheat. She does give sound advice especially in this niche, her specialty.

Momentarily, it will seem off the subject but I’d found out, rather recently, that my Orthopedic Surgeon, Richard S. Goodman, MD, JD, has died. He was a renowned Long Island/NYC Clinical Chairman of Surgery at SABA University School of Medicine as well as his private practices. More importantly, to me at least, he was a good man whom I was quite fond of. I am rather devastated and at such a loss but I found myself recalling our many conversations.

I went to his office approximately once a month for follow-up and almost always engaged in rather stimulating conversation every time. I highly anticipated these visits and in fact would think about what I might ask him long before I drove to his office. The man was a wealth of knowledge, extremely blunt and forthright but I learned something from him every single time I went to his Practice in Smithtown, N.Y. I guess that it astounded me how he would take such time to talk with me when I knew he had people out in the office waiting for him.

The time before last, if I recall correctly, I’d asked him one of my “frustrated journalist” type questions; “Are you happy in your Profession?” Now, I should have said “Profession(s)” because he was not only a Doctor but an Attorney as well. Dr. Goodman was often called upon as an expert witness in numerous medical cases.

The Doctor was an older gentleman and he’d, obviously been around the block a time or two. He scoffed at my question. Basically, he explained, that the medical profession was certainly not nor did it resemble anything it used to be or how it was designed.

It is not verbatim but he stated, unequivocally that they, the Doctors/Specialists were plagued with paperwork and locked into certain criteria because of insurance regulations.

Less and less time is afforded the patients while the bulk of his time was spent on diagnosis codes and insurance papers. Where there should have been further allowance for Doctor/Patient visitation and relations, he’d found himself having to spend too much time and effort in the “insurance” part of it.

They’re locked into whatever the insurance companies/HMO’s dictate and the patient has a much smaller degree in visitation with their Doctor. All the while, the insurance companies profit and get richer and richer whilst the Art of Medicine suffers amongst the politics of it all.

We talked for quite some time that day, per usual and I paid attention to his every word. I’ve gone on since then, painfully aware of the “Politics” of it all. The point being, in this situation is that I was not aware before of the games, the politics in the Medical Industry, i.e., hospitals and so on.

I can clearly see that you are a victim of such games and politics, huh? Yes, the good Doctor has enlightened me once again because had it not been for that conversation with Dr. Goodman, I might not understand fully, this political bullshit you are dealing with. And that is, without a doubt exactly what it is; Bullshit to the 9th power.

I am not certain that there’s any easy answer to this question you have posed. What I can and will say is that, “You only live once. Why not try to be happy?” So, what would or could it take to get you to some semblance of happiness?

More prevalent, to me is; what can we/you do to keep you from the mindset of becoming suicidal? Yes, that, your words speak volumes to me and I do feel your pain. I take it real serious too as I’ve been on that side of the fence, actually sitting on it, teetering back and forth between the pain of it all and the selfishness of the act itself. At the time though, all I could feel was the pain, it blinded me from the true significance of it all.

Having said this, broaching the subject head-on, I will tell you that, for you to even write those words, I knew that you are in such pain. It is unfathomable, this pain both physical and emotional that you are going through. I hope you will read my words to you and read them with a warm and hearing heart…

First and foremost, we must get those headaches manageable. I’ve suffered through and with 5 different types of diagnosed headaches, myself and without a doubt, that’s enough for someone to want to extinguish the light, in and of itself. So, I can somewhat relate.

Most of us “Want what we want, when we want it,” meaning we want it right now and in a hurry. I am no exception. I want it yesterday! But I think some of these things, the trappings, comings and goings of your life will have to be addressed one thing, one minute at a time.

There could be several factors, things that are causing your headaches, which I’m sure you are aware. In my own case, I stated that I had several different types and although I could be wrong, I do believe that you are lumping different pain/headaches into one category; Migraine.

What I am saying is that if it is an actual migraine, there are medications, good meds for treatment but they are certainly not one and the same,(migraines vs headache). It is highly possible that you are experiencing high blood pressure headaches as well as muscle tension, all of which require different attention as well as understanding of their difference. Each and every one of these can be debilitating, in and of itself.

The stress factors in your life are enough to cause headache all by themselves. Even the very thought or anticipation of headache is enough to send someone into a tailspin.

Personally, I have to do several things just to get through my own day. I am on blood pressure meds too and oddly enough, my pain usually causes my BP to go up.

I start my day thusly; I turn on the espresso machine and then I put my heat bag in the microwave. (Here’s a nifty idea to make your own) If you are not crafty, as most guys are not, I suggest purchasing one. I’ve had a rice bag as well as a bag made with corn. I can’t imagine life without one of these. As I said, I wake up and use the heated bag and through out the day, especially if I type a lot, I will heat it up again and put the bag around my neck. It really makes a difference in the amount as well as the severity of my headaches.

Stress in and of itself can debilitate, don’t you know? Stress kills, causes disorders, heart attacks and how we handle every day stress makes all the difference. This statement comes from a woman, myself, who’s been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (w/hypervigilance). Panic attacks are an every day occurrence for me. So, it’s no bullshit to say that I come from a place of experience as well as a few pointers.

Becoming aware of the things that stress you is of the utmost importance. It seems to me that you have pretty much narrowed it down, primarily, as your job.

Mentioning that I am aware of the politics involved in/at your establishment is for a reason. I realize that you can not just complain and change things. Besides it basically involving a complaint which will fall on deaf ears, I’m sure you are aware. Those that are deemed complainers are usually blacklisted and in some ways put on the same list as whistle blowers. So, what can you do?

For starters, you must come to a place of happiness, where you begin to look out for numero uno. Your first source, your first destination has got to be a knowing a presence of mind that happiness is simply a state of mind.

What I am saying is that I have met, particularly women who were doing “Life” but had found that place of happiness or rather, they “chose” to be happy. But how is that possible Babz?

Choices

When it’s all said and done, anything and everything in life comes down to choices. We can choose to be happy in the worst of situations or the exact opposite. When faced with the firing squad, in example, we can choose to be graced with the idea that it’ll only hurt for a second, if that. Or we can over analyze it, like I am famous for(I talk myself out of this over psychoanalysis on the daily) and stand there debating who it is that will fire the blank, how bad it’s gonna hurt, is it gonna be a big mess, omg what if they miss. This is typical behavior of the infamous “Say’ers™.”

Every day we are faced with choices. Often times we can’t or don’t see those choices. We also have doors or windows of opportunity as I’m sure you can look back in retrospect and see where you felt you were locked into a situation. You just could not see those choices. But again, every day we must choose to be “do’ers” or we can be “say’ers.”
[Aunt B terminology™]

I’ll start with what I lovingly call the “Say’ers™.” Say’ers are the kind of people and I know you’ve had the misfortune to have met. Some are just dripping with negativity. They are the kind of people who sit in their own shit and complain how really really bad it stinks. They are usually the first ones to point out, as well, just how bad your shit stinks, too!

They bitch and moan about their lives to anyone and everyone who will listen. Watch as they single handedly ruin your sunny disposition, yes, they’re enough to piss off a Preacher. They’ll stomp the piss out of any positive feedback too, telling you that it won’t work, you’re full of shit and don’t ya know, they know it all.

The funniest statement these Say’ers proudly proclaim to you is, “Your first mistake was thinking I could ever make a mistake.” And I do believe that half their problem is that they worry too much.

The “Do’ers™” in this life will just do the dang thing. They’ll search diligently for the “Silver Lining” in all situations. Faced with a negative situation, they will turn it around, even if it’s in their own mind and make it palatable, make it work for them.

Faced with that same, at sunrise firing squad, the “Do’ers™” will offer coffee and “of course it’s no trouble to make 12 Latte’s.” They’re the ones that will comfort you by pointing out that there’s no hard feelings and for real, one of you has a blank so don’t you worry about that guilt, I’m already working on forgiving you.

Now, don’t mistake the “Do’ers™“for patsy’s, as they are far from it. No, the difference is that they’ll take charge of their own environment. They realize that life in and of its self is a state of mind. And they’ll make the very best out of a reasonably bad situation. They are not “worry free” but tend to realize that sometimes you have no control, come what may, all else is filed under the category, “Let Go & Let God.”

Yours is a reasonably bad situation. But I can tell that you are a “Do’er™“ I just wanted to remind you. I’m also not playing the “Power of Postive Thinking” card on you. Yet at the same time, that is exactly what you need to do, think positively. I just don’t want you to think that as I’m writing you, it’s all some bullshit mantra to tide you over.

Because life is a state of mind and home is where you hang your heart, I suggest that you begin to see it as such. You must begin a journey, open a new chapter, in this book, “My Life.”

Right now, you are overwhelmed by it all. Begin to break it all down, assess it, in and of its self, meaning, take each individual problem and view it separately. Then, work on one piece at a time. I would start with the headaches.

Don’t give up or give into these headaches as they will rule you. Be your own advocate concerning them. Take the tips I’d given you, prior, seriously. Most men tend to scoff at such things, for whatever reason…and suffer. Why suffer?

When you feel a headache coming on, pop a couple of Motrin and dammit if nothing else, get an old sock fill it with rice and cloves, tie a knot in the end of it and heat the sock for two minutes. Do this as a preventive measure. When you come home from work, first thing you do is put this stupid sock around your neck<<—I just read your mind, hahaha! I promise not to tell and really, isn’t it just smart to take charge of your situation, namely those confounded headaches? If you can cut these headaches out, your first line of business is battled. If you treat yourself right, when you get home from work, you’ll be better for it and there’s a good possibility that you’ll be headache free in the mornings. I am 50 so I can relate, concerning your age and starting over. Rather, I understand you not wanting to go back to school, although it may come to that. Again, it is all a mind set. If you think about it, it’s really never too late to do anything if you choose to do it because the outcome is positive and it’ll make you happy or help you in some way. The question here, then becomes; “what will it take for you to find some happiness?”

Just for the sake of security, I would do or rather begin to implement a strategy, one you’ve mentioned of sorts; Downsizing.

Might I also mention that you’ve got to be ahead of their game. The very best way you can beat them is with your own state of mind.

Now, repeat after me; You will not allow them to get you down. You will not allow them to own you, your life or your happiness.

The choices we decide to follow through with in this life, of course are not always the right ones. We live, we love, we learn, we laugh, especially at ourselves, right?

Look for the laughter, please, my friend! Search diligently for something every day that makes you laugh.
Comedy Central’s Jokes.com
This is actually my own rule, one which I do preach and follow. At night, I always find something to make me laugh. In my search, it takes my mind off of things, laughter is good for the soul.

I suppose I’ve not really given you an answer but rather a state of mind. How you proceed from this moment further can and will shape the things to come. No, this is not some feel good package all rolled up, tied with a pretty bow.

One things for certain; You can own you or they can own you. You can choose to be positive or you can allow them to take you down. Personally, if I have my way, you’ll begin a regimen of self healing, self preservation and self motivation.

One more thing. It is my own quote, one which I am extremely fond of, an approach to life. Think about this;

“Some say the glass of water is half empty.
Some say the glass of water is half full.
I say, I am just grateful for the water.”

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

More Reading;

Stress Related Disorders

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Be The Key

Dear Aunt Babz,

My husband is an alcoholic we have been married for 8 years we have three kids 7, 5, and 2 this Christmas eve he got drunk and after i got the kids to lay down to sleep he got them up and took them with him to a guys house he drinks with to play with his kids at 10:30 PM i went to the house and got the kids back within minutes and took them to my moms house my problem is that I need to make a decision on weather or not to leave him I do love him but i am not sure if this out ways the bad we see every day with the drinking please help

Dear Reader,

Addiction/Alcoholism is such a bitch. I’m sure you’ll agree. It not only affects the person and their behavior but like a domino effect, it affects all those around the addict. I know…I am an addict.

It’s a bit complicated but I would encourage you to begin your assault on this scenario by arming yourself with knowledge and understanding of just what you are facing. Since you’ve contacted me via email, I can assume you have access to a computer and internet. Do some research on alcoholism (A.A.), as well as Co-Dependents Anonymous(CODA) and Al-Anon.

Now, forgive this commercial interruption brought to you by “Babz the Banshee”…

You have your hands full, especially when he doesn’t see how wrong it is for him to drive drunk with his children in the car. He will when he goes to jail and it, this exact scenario happens every day. Even worse though is the very real fact of his hurting his own children or someone else.

The problem is that when someone is under the influence, they can not see the perils they place themselves or others in… until it is too late. It is proven that your response time is compromised even after one drink. But the proponents for the drinking establishment, namely the drunk will tell you differently.

Now, if you think that CODA which stands for co-dependency has nothing to do with you, let me point out something; he either took or you allowed your husband to take your children, drive drunk, place them in harms way and there was no consequence for his actions. He got away with it, didn’t he, once again unscathed.

Now that might sound harsh but I needed to say it simply because until you begin to see the true seriousness of your situation, there will be no change. I don’t want you to be offended by my words, no I want you to arm yourself with them and allow them to strengthen you. I am on your side and I mean this with every fiber of my being.

I am not standing in judgment, ok? I’ve driven drunk with my own children in the car, something I am terribly NOT proud of. I will readily admit my faults and in fact until I was able to do this, nothing ever got better, nor did it change. In the same vein, until your husband can admit his faults, as well as his powerlessness over this disease and hopefully before it’s too late, nothing changes for him either.

I am not implying that you are not a good mother and that you would normally allow such things. I realize you went and picked the children up and probably thanked God nothing happened. But let me tell you that I personally have been incarcerated with people who were in there for driving under the influence(DUI/DWI) and killed someone.

It’s a really serious situation that most people do not comprehend until they are sitting in Prison for Vehicular Homicide/Vehicular Manslaughter. In most cases they will be incarcerated for 7 to 10 years, just enough time to lose their families and in the case of women, lose their children if there is no family member to take them during their incarceration.

I personally heard and held the weeping women after they’d just signed papers or came from proceeds or hearings where they just lost their parental rights. Their children were then placed with foster care or adoption agencies. It’s no joke and no turning back, no reprieve. All the “apologies” in the world don’t make a diddly damn difference.

I realize the difference but I wanted you to know just how serious the situation CAN be. Your husband has got to understand just how bad it could will be. I know how hard it is, this addiction thing. I am an alcoholic/heroin addict in recovery. It is without a doubt one of the hardest things to overcome but it can be done.

My advice to you is to understand that YOU can not change him. Normally, a person must hit their own personal rock bottom before they see just what the hell went wrong. In order for him to see this and realize that he must change and begin his own road to recovery, there must be repercussions, consequences for his actions, behavior and yes, his alcoholism.

You may very well be the key, the message sending point. What I mean is this; If you do not play hard ball with him, if you continue to allow it to affect you, as well as your children, absolutely nothing will change. Nothing, Nada, Not a Damn Thing. Yes, you will have to send that message to him.

If you do have the means to leave him, I encourage you to possibly sit down and tell him that his behavior has affected not only you but now he has endangered the children. You are prepared to leave him if he does not seek treatment. He will scoff at such measures, you must be prepared for that. “Never in a million years,” he will say, “would I ever put the kids in jeopardy”…but he did, under the influence. You’ve got to be ready to point this out.

The simple truth of the matter is unpleasant but obvious;

“Alcohol and Drugs Cloud and Poison Perception.”

His first line of defense will most certainly be to downplay the significance of his behaviors and you’ve got to be ready, willing and able to strike at that very moment. I can just about guarantee that he’ll tell you are being dramatic, making a big deal outta nothing. This is that exact time, the very moment that you must make a stand. You must tell him like it is, you must be strong and you’ve got to be committed to what you say. You must mean it!

For many in addiction, because they are knee deep in their own crap, they can’t smell how bad it stinks as they’re used to it as well as half the time they are bombed and either don’t remember what they did or they choose not to look at it.

You should give him an ultimatum to seek help, clean up his act before it kills him or he hurts someone else. Yes, this is a deadly game that most do not or can not see until it is too late.

From the post Red Flags, please read

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

I wrote this [an excerpt from an assignment I was given] as part of my own personal observations and these drinking habit(s) are/is becoming statistically as prevalent in women as well.

Let me also point something out to you; i.e., if you grew up in a home where there was physical abuse, you are more likely to see/view spousal abuse as the norm. Women who’ve come from this sort of background quite often think to themselves that they’ve, of course, done something wrong and deserved it. The stark reality of it is that no one should put their hands on you, especially not your husband. But see, if you’ve grown up in a home where you were beaten, you are more likely to not only be attracted to that sort of fella but see nothing wrong with the behavior. Or…tell yourself this anyway, right?

In contrast to that very scenario, the same goes for someone who grew up in a home where a parent drank, exhibiting alcoholic behavior. Even though something tells you it’s just not right, subconsciously you’ll cultivate the thought process to explain it away as somewhat acceptable behavior. What I mean is you’ll down play it and never really give it the full weight and merit it truly affords.

I implore you to do your homework long before you go up against something as big as his addiction. You are talking about something, behaviors that can not be eradicated over night. It takes diligence and fortitude to tackle this timeless and terrible disease. Most assuredly, your love will be tested as well as your backbone. I have faith in you, though!

The best advice I could possibly give you is to be very aware of your approach to this whole thing. You must not be judgmental or condescending. Always treat your husband with respect and afford him his dignity. You’ve really got to let him know that if he makes an effort, you will stand by his side, as a good wife does and will always do. You let him know that you will honor your vows to him…in sickness and in health. That is exactly what it is too; Sickness

In the same way you might view Diabetes, a multifaceted disease, you’ve got to put Addiction/Alcoholism in an understandable and diffusional light. It’s real important to understand that addiction is a disease. I stress this point because just like you or anyone else for that matter, would not ever be ashamed because they had diabetes, they should lose the shame, the stigma that goes along with admitting one is an addict.

The only real shame, in this game, comes from not trying to ascertain sobriety. The only real shame, for any addict is to fool yourself into thinking that you can not attain sobriety. It does take work, hard work and the most important aspect to consider is that it is a continuous effort on the part of everybody involved.

It is imperative to remember as well, especially in the future, to never think, “You’ve got it dicked.” That and getting too comfortable is the addicts first and foremost mistake. If you asked most alcoholics, what led to their relapse, in a unilateral sense, almost unanimously you’ll hear that they fell when they quit going to meetings, quit outpatient treatment and more/most importantly quit being honest with themselves.

So the resounding voice of reason, in this and in every case is the application of “**The Twelve Steps.” My suggestion is for you to read and study these yourself, then go to your husband, sit him down and talk to him like the best of friends. He must come to realize that his drinking problem has affected you as well as the children. He has got to understand that in order for you to stand behind him, as a good wife does, he’s got to be able to stand up himself, literally as well as figuratively.

Yes, behind every great man is a really good woman but that great man needs to have that ability to stand up, stand straight and stand sober if he is to lead his family. Let your hubby know that you believe in him, you will fight tooth and nail against his demons and paramount to this, his condition and circumstance.

Unfortunately, and I’d love to know who started the idea or premise, that a man is measured or governed by certain ideals, basically bad examples of a man. Namely these bad ideals in the form of, to be a “real man” you’ve got to be a womanizer, heavy drinker, smoker and so on, well, I’d love to dig him up and spit in his face. Heavy, harsh words but if you think about it, these ideals have become the demise of the average man. Have they not?

It is a sad commentary, it really is. If the truth were known, calling a spade a spade, when you look at some of these thoughts, ideals and such, they are an every present, looming, warped sense of reality. This legacy of idealism’s, born and bred, fostered and nurtured from father to son, passed down are simply insidious. We are now finding that we have raised dysfunctional and delusional men, especially men but women as well.

Finally, I pray for your strength, wisdom and words, that you might have the heart to not run but forge forward for the sake of your marriage as well as your children. It’s real important that you point out to your husband that it is his job to lead by example. He must understand that as it stands, his drinking gives him a clear cut handicap. He is not all the man he can/could and will be nor the father he must be. Yes, he must command respect from his underlings but how will he ever really do this… three sheets in the wind, snot slinging drunk? You can’t and it stands to reason, without a doubt in my mind, he’ll pass on this insidious curse to his children too. Had he given this a thought?

I am here for you as well as your hubby. Arm yourself with knowledge and enhance your understanding…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

**AA Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Let me explain, using my own Dad, as example. My Dad is 77, so this is many, many years ago but it aptly applies to today…

When my Dad was 17 years old, he was getting ready to leave for the Navy. His Father, a Captain, in the Navy, told him, he was a man now and he wanted to teach him one of life’s most valuable lessons. He sat him down, with two shot glasses on the kitchen table. He put water in one of the shot glasses and whiskey in the other. He then, dropped a worm, in each shot glass and told my Dad to watch. A couple minutes passed and my Grandfather asked my Dad, what he saw? He stated that, the worm in the water was still swimming and the worm in the whiskey had died. My Grandfather nodded his head, pulled out two more shot glasses, filled them with whiskey, handed one to my Dad, held one up and downed it. He then exclaimed, “That’s right son, always drink whiskey and you’ll never have worms. Now, drink up.” This was his homespun initiation into manhood. True story!

You may have even read this story somewhere else, as I have but it may be, that is how Father’s ushered in their sons, way back when. In the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and possibly, even today, father’s still had the idea, that on their sons 18th Birthday, it was proper to throw them a booze party. I’ve heard, the likes, of Dad’s taking their sons to a strip joint, a night out of drinking and painting the town, “Red, White and Blue.” This mentality, was instilled, that to be a true man, you drank, it is your God given right. The myth, was ingrained, that you work hard, 40+ hours and when you did, you deserved to buy a six-pack of beer. That is the “Manly” thing to do. What a crock o’crap, huh? To further screw up America, we as women, in our fight for equality, have picked up this premise, as well. Statistics show that women and addiction have skyrocketed.

Unfortunately, many people, men and women alike, fell into the clutches of addiction, along the way. It’s much more complicated than simply thinking that this observation is why we drink. There are three contributing factors in addiction. They are;

• Predisposition

• Socio-Cultural

• Environmental

Having a parent(s) who may be an Alcoholic/Addict or have the mentality, can be a huge contributing factor. A learned behavior is another. Going to College, binge drinking or even hangin’ in the ‘hood, doing drugs, watching what other people do, thinking it is what is normal, can, as well, instill a behavior, bad behaviors, at that. Values and beliefs, not to mention, the way we are hard-wired, our DNA, all play a factor in Chemical Dependency.

So, why did I tell you all this? I tell you this because I want you to realize, that it is not as simple as asking him to limit his drinking. It is a rare scenario, where anybody that drinks 7 days a week, even a simple six-pack, does not do it for a reason. It is actually rather complex, more than I can explain to you, even here. I would suggest, your investigation of addiction, to understand it better. There are medical issues, that now factor in.

*Quite often, drugs and drinking, go hand in hand. We must understand that they and their effects are also one and the same. A chemical is a chemical. Take what you learn and put it in your tool belt, it will help you understand this insidious disease.

Why is he drinking? This has to be your question, to ask yourself and possibly him. I’d bet that there are underlying problems, things he’s running from, things he shutting up, chasing away. I’ve yet to meet anyone, who didn’t have valid reasons, in their mind, why they drank. Life sucks and to live life on life’s terms is not easy. Even if, all the problems go away, it’s not easy to physically stop drinking, especially, after you’ve been drinking, at least, a six-pack a day. Now, it is a physical dependence, not just a mental, shake off the blues, situation.

Red flags must have already gone up, concerning his behavior. You would not have written me, unless that had happened and you wanted validation. Yes, I do think you need to be concerned. It’s no joke and not to be taken lightly. Jumping into a relationship, with someone who is clearly an alcoholic, is a serious undertaking. Now, I am not saying it is not possible, for him to get clean. What I am saying is that all the wishing in the world, from you, won’t get him there. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal. This is and does, go hand in hand with step one of Alcoholics Anonymous;

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

How does a proud man, admit that he has fallen, especially when he believes the, *Great American Myth?™

It has to start with him understanding that alcohol has had an adverse effect on him, his relationships and will ultimately, cost him his life. He must realize that his 8 year old son should not have to watch his father, in the throws of addiction. Also, let me add quickly, that although a Father should be concerned, what their child thinks, it is not that child’s decision as to who his Dad’s life partner will be, should or shouldn’t be. They often have a hard time accepting anyone. His Dad needs to understand that but to behave as he did is quite regrettable and wrong. That gives the child license, to be mean, if you ask me. The child may not like you but he needs to respect you, show respect and behave accordingly. I stand with you on this one. I’d point this out to your guy that you realize that, they don’t have to embrace you but he should understand that you will be afforded respect and nothing less… NOTHING!

You also mentioned that his behavior, concerning eating, bothers you, right? You have every right in the world, to be concerned about his eating habits. But you must proceed carefully here, as well. Your habits are yours, his are his. You’ll have to approach it, realizing that eating is also the way we were raised and so on. Eating healthy does not always come naturally. If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you just begin to show him, how to adapt. If you cook for him, make something that is good but close to a comfort food. He’ll equate that, “Hey, this eating healthy gig’s not so bad?” I mean something like a nice chicken breast, baked with Mashed Cauliflower (tastes just like mashed potatoes) with butter and a nice salad. You have to start somewhere, right? But I think, you’ve got bigger fish to fry here. Meaning this situation with his alcohol abuse, is where you need to start. This sure is no Overnite Delivery, a fix that happens quickly.

Your Answer

It is my impression, that you have a lot of red flags here, as I mentioned before. I ask you, to ask yourself, are you capable of “fixing” this fella? Do you want to fix him? It is possible to be supportive but you can not,

I repeat, can not fix anybody. Nope, they have to fix themselves and they have to do it for themselves, first and foremost.
If you choose to be supportive, I offer this analogy,
“Take that bull by the horns and ride.”
This early in the relationship, you really have nothing to lose by being perfectly honest. Call it like it is, kindly, or walk away and cut you loses.

Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean.

AA/NA helped me and long before my true addiction surfaced, I had gone to meetings about addiction, to understand my own Father’s (my real Dad) alcoholism. Study all you can and I will put links here to help you. You need a pretty big Tool Belt to tackle this one, if you do, choose to do this.
My inner loyalty, to you, says get out while the gettin’s good. But if you truly care about this guy, you need to tell him so but that you will not live with his drinking. See, you have a right to be happy, too. Do not feel guilty, if you walk away now. As I said before, you can’t fix anybody. This is our first mistake, thinking we can take charge of things. We can’t change anybody, we can only suggest, advise and support. No, the change has to come from within, in the person that is having the behavioral problem. When you challenge someone’s values and beliefs, get ready for some flak. Now, it may very well be that he doesn’t like this drinking every single day and he may be aware that he has a problem. You need to sit him down and calmly, patiently ask him, if he perceives himself with a problem. Whatever you do, do not have a condescending tone. This will cause him to put up a defensive wall. He will take a survival posture and will virtually be unable to look at his problem. You’ve got to come off, in a loving manner. At the same time, you must make it a point, that he knows, you can not and will not live with this behavior, no if ands or buts about it. You don’t have to and you won’t. Now, he can go and get help, look at this, do something about it or you can go on your merry way. It’s quite possible and plausible, that he may have to enter a Rehab setting. I don’t believe he could physically, just quit. I recommend seeking Medical Advice, in a Treatment setting. This is very important. Please see it as just that, possibly the single most important thing I tell you; Seek a Professional!!
Tell him, it’s time, to pull the Band-Aid off. Even if you were to walk away from him tomorrow, you are planting a seed. You are letting him know, that his behavior is not acceptable and he needs to get help. If he’s not real receptive to jumping into a Rehab, ask him to go to an AA/NA meeting. They’ll plant seeds also and they can be your support group. It’s free and the coffee, is usually palatable. They are real people, who’ve walked down the same path.
I guess the big question here, I pose to you, is what are you willing to do, or what length are willing to go, to support your guy? Only you can answer this, right?
If you choose to support him in recover, realize that it’s a life long battle. It is treatable but you must brace yourself for the storms. I guarantee this much…it will not go away on its own. Start with talking, not pointing the finger but merely asserting understanding and willingness to support him, if he chooses to get clean. You’d better stand by what you say, too. If you tell him that, you can not tolerate this situation as it exists and if does not choose to get help, you will walk away, you’d better mean it. If you allow it, you will enable him and he will not believe that there are repercussions for his actions. You’ve got to let him fall before he can pick himself up. If your love is important to him, he’ll see that he will lose you, if he does not seek help. Most of us addicts have to hit some form of bottom, to realize that we need to climb out. It is a treacherous climb. Throw him a line, by giving him the information, where the meetings, are located. Tell him you will help him, only if he helps himself. He’ll either grab hold of that line or lay there till it stinks enough. When it stinks, as you’ve already said it did and he’s not willing to smell it and realize he is offending, get out.
Be prepared. Have your list of meetings, do your homework if it’s important enough to you and hand it all to him. Then, it is “His” decision. If you put it just like that, then he’ll feel just that;
That it’s his decision!

Work on one thing at a time, Girlfriend. Pray and brace yourself. I wish you only the very best. Now, go get it!

The relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for “reaching” and helping an uncontrolled drinker.

In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered alcoholics describe their personal experiences in achieving sobriety, and to read A.A. literature describing and interpreting the A.A. program.

A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact alcoholics. At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.

(Click Here for Help)

**The body stops producing endorphins. Endorphins are our body’s natural pain killer. We have receptor’s in our brain, where the endorphins plug in. Try to picture sockets, in the brain, similar to a car. Where you would screw in the spark plug, the endorphins plug in, when we are in pain. The correlation being that the receptors, when there is a constant use of i.e. opiates or any kind of chemical, stop producing. They think they no longer need to produce the chemical.

*How alcohol produces intoxicating effects in the brain is not entirely understood. Most drugs have a specific receptor in the brain. For example, cocaine acts through the dopamine transporter, heroin acts through the opioid receptor, and marijuana acts through the cannabinoid receptor. These are proteins in the cell membrane that shuttle the drugs into the brain cell, where they act much like your body’s own neurotransmitters to excite or depress nerve cells. Alcohol, however, appears to have no specific receptor in the brain. Instead, it seems to affect the receptors for several neurotransmitters, including the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) receptor. GABA is one of the major messenger chemicals in the brain. It reduces the transmission of impulses between nerve cells. Alcohol can either increase or decrease GABA function in different areas of the brain, leading to inhibitory effects (such as loss of judgment) and excitatory effects (such as feelings of exhilaration). Other receptors that may be affected include those for N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), glutamate, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine. These are all natural substances produced in the brain that control things like behavior, memory, sensation, and mood. The variety of chemical pathways that are disrupted can explain the myriad effects that alcohol has on behavior and brain function.

For additional information, see the following websites:

http://alcoholism.about.com/health/alcoholism/
library/blnaa35.htm

http://www.arf.org/isd/pim/alcohol.html

The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous is reprinted from the website www.CoDA.org with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors – All Rights Reserved

The Twelve Steps reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Update; "Your Stranger"

Editor’s Note; This is from the original post,

“ Your Stranger“

On follow up Aunt B asked “Is the situation the same?” The following response was emailed back and Xmichra has promptly answered to address this new question.

Dear Aunt Babz, Xmichra,

It’s fine, really. I was surprised enough that you were able to reply to mine’s. The advice was good, and I have taken it to heart. But you’re right; the situation’s changed a bit.

In your advice, you told me that the next time I see him I should do small, subtle gestures. Like wave at him, right? But if I do that, I’ll completely throw away an opportunity to be with him at all. Our relationship was never carried through physical interactions with one another. To make a long story short, my friend (the one who likes him) introduced him to me via a website, and it just took off from there. In essence, it’s an online relationship. It’s amazing enough that this relationship even exists, and in that case, a relationship such as ours. We’re not ones who’d be telling secrets to strangers, but this is just a strange exception.
But despite this, I think this would have been the only way that I could have gotten to know him as quickly as I did. The person on screen is a more true version of himself, or at least that’s what I think. In life, he’s quiet and has a demeanor which is able to scare everyone off.

And I guess, this is where the problem lies.
He is silent, while I’m in the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

Over the internet, we are able to find some common ground, but in life…
If he was to meet me in life first, he would have never befriended me because of this–he even confirmed this for me.

I decided that I shouldn’t treat him any different than any of my other friends, so even if, from first glance, someone like him would just insulting me for my behavior (which he does), if he is unable to tolerate me for who I am, then this would be a difficult friendship.
But when I’m in this mode, I more prone to doing stupid, careless acts which end up with a negative effect on him. I don’t want to get him uncomfortable or angry, but I haven’t been around people to realize what’s wrong and right. And it makes it even harder when he’s unable to show he doesn’t want something to be done.

I’ve gotten him majorly angry once, which has put a dent in our friendship–well, our friendship, and possibly those who belong in the same friend group. His sister said he didn’t want to go back to another gathering, and he said that he was no longer comfortable around us. And in the end, it was my fault, wasn’t it?
It’s not like I would change. I’ve already fixed small problems–that’s easy–but it’s getting him to trust me which is difficult when I’m infamous for my brash behavior.
He’s also notorious for ditching opportunities to hang out with people, unless there’s an excuse to go, like a birthday. I remember once, our group of friends had arranged to go to the mall, but once I got there, his sister called to tell me that he didn’t “feel like it” anymore. And no, none of our birthdays are coming up anytime soon.
That only leaves one choice: going to him, but this option he really dislikes. Plus, he doesn’t even go to the same school as I do, and lives far from me, so it’s not like I can visit him afterschool or anything.

I also think that our online relationship is dwindling. I talk to him, yes, but most of the time, it doesn’t seem like he’s interested in what I have to say for whatever reason. I talk to him less and less now, as he is probably getting tired of me and is possibly too busy for me, but even when do, it’s often quite brief.

At this point, I don’t care about that relationship. At this point, I may not even have a friendship. I can say that a relationship was not meant to be and let it slip, but can I really do the same with a friendship?

Well, I’m not too concerned about this situation as the other. Compared to the other, this is quite… dull. Somehow I feel like there’s an exit to this problem somewhere, but with the other, I’m backed into a corner.

Dear Reader,

I am glad that you have updated your situation; it gives a little bit more clarity to the picture.
You said : At this point, I don’t care about that relationship. At this point, I may not even have a friendship. I can say that a relationship was not meant to be and let it slip, but can I really do the same with a friendship?

Well, I’m not too concerned about this situation as the other. Compared to the other, this is quite… dull. Somehow I feel like there’s an exit to this problem somewhere, but with the other, I’m backed into a corner.
So.. i am confused on one part, what exactly are you backed into??? Your friendship with this guy?? Because you are never backed into a friendship. You are either friends, or you are not. So you need to figure this out, is he really a friend or just an on-line conversation?
The world is different on line, and you know that. We can all be the selves that we wish we were out in the real world. Only trouble is making that transition from our on-line selves to our real life selves is much more difficult when you are scared and withdrawn like this fellow seems to be. And that is his issue to deal with. You are not doing anything wrong by being yourself, and if this guy can’t deal with who you are… well you are better off without him. Friends do not judge each other and friends support each other. So even if this guy decided that he couldn’t be with you romantically, there is no reason for him to snub you on a friend level.
Really it sounds to me like this guy has a lot of issues to overcome, and you have tried to be a friend with little in the way of reciprocation. Maybe it would be better for you to let go of it, and get on with your own life. Seems like you want to do other things but can’t seem to get over him… you have to let yourself be okay with that. You liked a guy, it didn’t work out the way you wanted it too, you want to be friends if he will deal, so let it go. You did nothing wrong.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Stay Friends

Hey Aunt B,

Thank u for taking the time to help me with my personal life,I really, sincerely appreciate it. So, I was in a relationship with this guy for about a month, and then he broke up with me because he said he had problems with commitment, and he said he wanted to end our relationship before something bad happens. Anyways,I was completely shocked and speechless because I didn’t see it coming. And I know a month doesn’t seem long enough to fall in love with someone, but I think I actually did,even just a little bit. Actually,we were friends for a couple of months and got to know each other before we started dating.Anyways, now we are friends, but not best friends like we were before, but we still talk to each other. I thought we were friends, but now I feel confused because he invited two of my best friends to his birthday party next week, without inviting me. I thought we were cool,but I guess not. At first when I found out, I didn’t really care, but somehow I

started talking to my friend about it, and then I burst into tears. I would understand if he wouldn’t want to invite me because it would bring up bad memories of us when we were together,but there are absolutely,positively NO bad memories that we have of each other that would make it awkward…I just don’t understand….we still talk every once in a while… I don’t know….It’s just the way that he invited my friends and not me, I kinda feel like he is somehow forcing my friends to choose between me and him…Because if they do go the party,I don’t think I can be friends with them anymore…Am I being unreasonable???Should I understand if they want to attend??Should I still be friends with my ex and act like nothing’s wrong???Please help!!! By the way, I am only 17, so I need all the help I can get…especially since he was my first boyfriend.. I know what you’re thinking, what does a high school girl know about love? Some people have real

problems…But wouldn’t you agree that people can develop the ability(yes, ability,because I don’t think of love as an emotion,but as an ability) to love at any age? Please don’t discriminate me because of my age… Thank you for your time, and please lend me your wisdom if you can. -loveless

Sent from my iPod

Dear Loveless,

You are partially right, love is an ability but it is also an emotion. People have the emotional quality to love regardless on their ability to show that love and accept it from others. And every age goes through different stages and intensities of love.

This was your first relationship, which is a difficult thing to get over on its own, but combine that with being broken up with and not for anything that you can control or had any knowledge was coming… that is even more difficult. So it makes sense that you are hurting and wondering now that the guy has made it clear that he wants to be friends, what the hell his deal is with not inviting you to his party. I know I would have questioned that. And you may never get an answer, unless you confront him on his reason. I would strait out ask him if he really wanted the two of you to be friends or if he was just saying that to be kind. You may not like the answer, so be prepared, but at least you will know where you stand with him.

As for being angry with your friends, that is something that you are doing to yourself, he is not doing that part at all. He is not forcing your friends to choose, you are. Being upset because your friends want to stay friends with him is really poor friendship on your part. And a warning here, if you continue to do that (disown friends because of who they are friends with) you will find yourself very alone, and very bitter. People have the right to be friendly with whomever they wish, and when someone tries to take that freedom away, it usually results in a lost friendship from the pressure person. How would you feel if your friends were telling you that you couldn’t be friends with someone?? Not very good I suspect.

You do have every right to feel hurt and betrayed by this guy, and you will get over him and do just fine. But remember that your friends are individuals and that they deserve your respect, not friendship in return for obedience.

Good Luck, and I hope you can find some closure and move on.

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Only For A Season

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 27 year old female, recently divorced. Now that I am single I realize the importance of getting my college degree so that I can provide for myself. I am excited about finishing school and want to badly.

I work a full time job and I also coach a high school athletic team. I love, love, love my coaching job but it does not pay the bills without an additional full time job. It is also extremely time consuming and makes it impossible to add college studies to the mix.

I have tried online classes but have a hard time focusing. I prefer to be in the classroom. I have considered coaching for two or three more years and pushing school back but I am afraid that I will lose momentum.

How can I give up my coaching job that I adore in order to pursue my desire to get a college degree and be back in the classroom?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Hello there,

This is a tough decision for you to make, because your coaching career is just as valuable to you as your getting a college education. You mentioned that online classes are not appealing to you because you are not in a classroom setting. Have you thought of taking an online class that has live feedback? Many classes now have group interactive lessons. If this still does not appeal to you, I would advise you to weigh and balance which choice would be most important to you. Do this, toss a coin and give tales a college degree, and heads, the coaching job. When you toss the coin, think about where you are hoping it will land, on heads or tails. What you hope will happen is the key to which you most desire.

I hope this helps!

…best wishes from Sidell Seyz

Dear Friend,

Well, there are a few things to consider. You love coaching, you hate online classes. But you want that degree and that is soooooo important now days.

Yes, in this age, you must, chomp on that line of competition you’ve got to have that Ace up your sleeve, which is a degree. Something to think about in the lines of job security.

The other thing you can try to see and envision is that if you can go to classes try to do so. It’s only for a season. <—These are words my own Mother spoke to me when my heart was in such discontent about where I was in my life and in my line of work.What she meant is that things will not last forever. One thing that is perfectly certain in life is Change. Most importantly, these classes, even if they are online because that’s your only option are only for a season. Life is always what you make, as well as love. If you must take online classes, you start with the mindset with discipline, something you lack in a few areas. Now, don’t take offense at that line, it is a simple observation, one you should take note of and work on, it’s that simple. I’ll tell you that I am the Queen O’Procrastination. I can admit my faults and I work on them. You do not want the hardship in this life, or actually what perceive as hardship; going back for that degree. That is understandable, I mean who wants to have to go through the rigors of study, constant study? I have a life “full of wishes I had done.” I mean don’t let this time in your life, just pass by with such a large item looming over your head. One day, you too will be 50 like me and have so many “wishes I had done’s.”<–[new word by Aunt B] My advice to you is to look at the possibility of you going back to college whatever that takes. My wish is that you will see and feel fulfilled with that degree under your belt. Yes, this might take some real wherewithal but yes, I believe in you. Now, my friend, you must begin to believe and…what I see is, what I feel is…you are scared of failure and it’s easier to stay put. Don’t take the easy way out this time. Remember my Mama’s Words “It’s Only For A Season.”

Dammit, I believe in you and now you must begin to believe in you and do what ever it takes. Push!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Only For A Season

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 27 year old female, recently divorced. Now that I am single I realize the importance of getting my college degree so that I can provide for myself. I am excited about finishing school and want to badly.

I work a full time job and I also coach a high school athletic team. I love, love, love my coaching job but it does not pay the bills without an additional full time job. It is also extremely time consuming and makes it impossible to add college studies to the mix.

I have tried online classes but have a hard time focusing. I prefer to be in the classroom. I have considered coaching for two or three more years and pushing school back but I am afraid that I will lose momentum.

How can I give up my coaching job that I adore in order to pursue my desire to get a college degree and be back in the classroom?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Hello there,

This is a tough decision for you to make, because your coaching career is just as valuable to you as your getting a college education. You mentioned that online classes are not appealing to you because you are not in a classroom setting. Have you thought of taking an online class that has live feedback? Many classes now have group interactive lessons. If this still does not appeal to you, I would advise you to weigh and balance which choice would be most important to you. Do this, toss a coin and give tales a college degree, and heads, the coaching job. When you toss the coin, think about where you are hoping it will land, on heads or tails. What you hope will happen is the key to which you most desire.

I hope this helps!

…best wishes from Sidell Seyz

Dear Friend,

Well, there are a few things to consider. You love coaching, you hate online classes. But you want that degree and that is soooooo important now days.

Yes, in this age, you must, chomp on that line of competition you’ve got to have that Ace up your sleeve, which is a degree. Something to think about in the lines of job security.

The other thing you can try to see and envision is that if you can go to classes try to do so. It’s only for a season. <—These are words my own Mother spoke to me when my heart was in such discontent about where I was in my life and in my line of work.What she meant is that things will not last forever. One thing that is perfectly certain in life is Change. Most importantly, these classes, even if they are online because that’s your only option are only for a season. Life is always what you make, as well as love. If you must take online classes, you start with the mindset with discipline, something you lack in a few areas. Now, don’t take offense at that line, it is a simple observation, one you should take note of and work on, it’s that simple. I’ll tell you that I am the Queen O’Procrastination. I can admit my faults and I work on them. You do not want the hardship in this life, or actually what perceive as hardship; going back for that degree. That is understandable, I mean who wants to have to go through the rigors of study, constant study? I have a life “full of wishes I had done.” I mean don’t let this time in your life, just pass by with such a large item looming over your head. One day, you too will be 50 like me and have so many “wishes I had done’s.”<–[new word by Aunt B] My advice to you is to look at the possibility of you going back to college whatever that takes. My wish is that you will see and feel fulfilled with that degree under your belt. Yes, this might take some real wherewithal but yes, I believe in you. Now, my friend, you must begin to believe and…what I see is, what I feel is…you are scared of failure and it’s easier to stay put. Don’t take the easy way out this time. Remember my Mama’s Words “It’s Only For A Season.”

Dammit, I believe in you and now you must begin to believe in you and do what ever it takes. Push!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Attraction

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x

Dear Love Struck and Unsure,

I would like to address the first question you have, is it wrong to like the son of the guy your mother is dating. The answer to that, is no. Attraction is something that is different from action, and we are attracted to multiple things about a person, regardless of a situation. It is perfectly healthy to be attracted to this boy, he is not your relative and he is of your age group, you two are likely hanging out and getting to know each other, it is completely normal.

But for the second part of your question, should you do anything about this attraction? The answer to that, in my opinion, is no. And here is why: this guy could end up being your step-brother. That is something that you really want to take a look at. Not just because it would be hard to explain to people (and trust me, you would eventually) but because it will make things very difficult at home. You are incredibly young, and things like young relationships come and go. Have you thought about what would happen if the two of you didn’t work out, then you had to live with him still?? These are big decisions, and ones that take a lot more maturity than you need to use at this point in your life. IF your respective parents break up, then this would be a much different answer. But your parents’ relationship is a major factor here, which I know seems rather unfair (why should it have anything to do with you?) but given your age and the circumstances, it does matter.

I want to talk to you a little bit about your confidence level though. I kind of have the feeling that you are more interested in this guy because you are feeling comfortable with him. Which is great (getting to know a person before getting romantically involved), but don’t assume that no other boy has taken an interest in you. You are 13, and boys in your age range are funny creatures. They sometimes react and act like complete idiots, and sometimes treat you like crap when they really like you. Or, they might just ignore you completely if they “really really” like you. It is crazy, and silly, and you damn near need to be a psychic sometimes when it comes to how and why a guy decides to take a certain “approach”, but don’t write them all off because you haven’t noticed them noticing you.

Also, about his dressing “sexy” thing…. Sure, dressing provocatively will gain you some attention, but is it really the attention that you want? What I mean by this, is that a girl who gets a guy because they dress cheap will be treated cheap. A girl, who gets a guy because of her intelligence, will be treated with intelligence. Be the girl you want to be, and expect the treatment that you exude. There is nothing wrong with presenting yourself well, but there is something wrong with letting it all hang out in a disrespectful to you manor. Tune into your own self, and only dress how YOU feel comfortable. And if that is all tight topped and short skirts, then that is fine (although you can expect your parents to think negatively about it!). But if you are a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, then stay true to yourself.

I really do feel for your situation, I know that you like this boy and want to let him know. But really think about your situation… the fact that you would feel it a necessity to keep your feelings (and thus your relationship) a secret from your mother, sister and his father should be a very clear indicator that something isn’t right about it. When something is right, you know it and you can rest easily knowing that if others knew the truth you would be okay with that.

I know this wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, and I know the next little while will be tough, but you can get through this and will. Take care of yourself, respect yourself, and be sure that there is another guy out there.

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Expensive Endeavor

Dear Aunt Babz,

I’m 14, i have met someone on-line…i feel love for him.
It may not be all real love but still i have never felt this way about anyone before. I would do anything for him. He is allowed to visit me in my country
My parents will not let me see him…i cry…no matter how much i say no danger will happenn they assume the worst. I cant see a way to make them think other wise..please help me..?
I beg.

Dear Anonymous,

A few things that you have not mentioned in your e-mail are picking at the back of my head. You don’t mention how old this other person is, and given that you are only 14 this is a BIG point to omit. I am guessing that he is much older though, otherwise how would he have the funds to visit you “in your country”. That is an expensive endeavor no matter if the countries are not far apart.

So, given that, I will advise you the way that I would hope my daughter would precede should this situation happen to her.

I would suggest that if this person is of your age group, to ask your parents to meet with him as well as you. Making the meetings with your parents will help to alleviate their fears, and will maintain a safe environment for you. Most parents wouldn’t let their 14 year old daughter out without meeting the boy; this is the job of a parent to ensure the safety of their child. They are not being overbearing in this, try to understand they love you and want nothing wrong to happen. Chaperoned visits for the first little while wouldn’t hurt. This decision may not be made because the person you wish to meet as a boyfriend is from the internet, but because at the age of 14, a parent wants to know the people their child associates with. I know when I was growing up my mom insisted on knowing who I was hanging around with, and with my first boyfriend all get-togethers were at either his place or mine, chaperoned by either set of parents. They would give us space in the house after the first few dates, but they wanted to know that we were being sensible, while also “measuring up” the person we were with.

I would also advise you to not meet with this person alone. No matter what the feelings you have for him, you should never put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. You may know him very well, and he may not be dangerous at all. BUT, being cautious is never a bad idea, and is far better to be safe than sorry.

Now, if this guy is much older than you (and he may be lying to you about his age. Not something that you want to hear, but you need to be realistic here) I would hope that you realise your parents worry is very warranted. Age does matter significantly when you are 14, try to understand the worry that comes when an adult is courting your teen-aged daughter. Put on top of that that he is not from your area, and is chatting with you on-line, it is a rational worry. And you should most definitely play it safe.

There are millions of stories out there to make us fear meeting with people from the web, but the ones that have “happy endings” also have caution to guide them. You can ask anyone who has met a person from the net, that they met in a very neutral place with safe guards in place. And, for the most part, these people (who have had a good outcome) are adults. You need to realize that you are still very young, there are predators out there, and you need to be careful.

Please talk to your parents, ask them if they would be willing to meet with your internet friend. Tell them that you respect their wishes, but would still like to just meet this guy, and you know that meeting him with your parents would be the safe and amicable solution.

Your parents may or may not agree to this meeting, but what do you have to lose? Ultimately you need to try and understand that your parents are trying to protect you. Listen to them, try to talk to them, and stay safe.

Good luck, and let us know what your parents decided.

~Xmichra.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Way Behind

I hope you readers had a wonderful Holiday Season. We are rather backed up because of it as well as posting onto this site.

I welcome you to wander over to our Sister Site, the main page for Free Advice; Ask Aunt Babz

Stand Against Adversity

Dear Aunt B,

I saw your web page and would appreciate the opportunity to ask you for advice.
James

I am 59, a college professor, and two years ago, I remarried. My wife and I have just had a new baby this past month. (I have no other children). My parents and sister were not happy about my decision to remarry, nor happy about the baby– in part, because my parents had hoped I would return to my home town if and when I retired to help take care of them, but mostly because my wife is Vietnamese, even in light of the fact she is educated, and has an extremely kind personality. My sister, two years younger than I, has not been that financially responsible, to put it mildly, for the past many years; she has accumulated a credit card debt of over $30,000, and a few years ago, she had to borrow $40,000 on her house to pay off a similar credit card debt accumulated in the same manner as the present one she has re-accumulated. She earns about $1000 a month in a part time job, collects $1300 a month in alimony and spends a large part of her time taking care of her pet cats. My father is ill, so my sister helps my parents by taking them to the doctor as needed. Somehow, in the course of things, my sister was fairly recently granted “power of attorney” over my parents’ financial affairs, without my knowledge, even though my mother is well and in sound mind. A few years ago, my mother paid for the building of an additional room on my sister’s house at the cost of about $47,000 so that my sister’s cats wouldn’t have to stay in the basement. I can understand, at least to some extent how such a financial mistake could have occurred, but I find it difficult to excuse my sister for going along with it and accepting my parents’ money. I also learned that my sister and parents went to a lawyer, again without my knowledge, in regard to my parents’ “will”. Their “will” stated that their CD’s and house were ultimately to be divided equally between my sister and myself. My sister (and mother) informed the lawyer they didn’t want my new wife to inherit anything from my family, particularly the house in the event I should die before my wife (which I obviously will). Consequently, the original will was discarded, and the house was legally signed over to my sister and put in her name only, at my exclusion or my knowledge. My parents’ CD’s remain in both my name and sister’s name, although I’m not even sure about that, given the secrecy of recent events. I would like to ask if you think all of this is fair and what I should do about it. I feel a man has every right to get married again. I also feel that it was unfair, if not illegal, that my sister conspired to have my parents’ house signed over to her at my exclusion. I would appreciate your opinion and advice on this matter, and thank you in advance for your kind assistance.

Dear Re-Married,

I am going to answer you in three parts, just for the simple reason that it is easier. First – I invite you to re-read this post from Ask Aunt B http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2008/12/its-just-another-lump.html as it does have very valid information regarding legalities. Second – I would like to validate your feelings regarding your new wife. You do have every right to re-marry, and whomever you choose. I am glad to hear that you are not afraid to stand up for your wife, and to fight for the life that you deserve and the respect that you and your wife are entitled to. Third – However (and don’t we love this word) whatever is happening in your life, and however your parents feel about it, really has no bearing legally on why they change their will. Your sister’s financial disasters have no bearing legally on why they change their will. You have said yourself that your mother is well and sound of mind, so really there is nothing you can do if they change their will other than choose to accept it, or be bitter about it. So. The questions are: Do we feel that this is fair? – Given the reasons you have issued about being left out of the will, no, I do not. However (again) I do not know the full story. But given your side, no i do not. What should you do about it – I would invite you to talk to your parents and your sister and explain that you are HURT. Not so much about why you feel your sister is not a good candidate to be the executor, not that they refuse to leave anything to you in case your wife gets it… but that you are HURT that they cannot accept you living your life in happiness. That you are HURT that they went behind your back when you have done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment. That you are HURT that even if they do not respect or acknowledge your choices, that they cut off the lines of communication with you and that wasn’t what you wanted. And finally that you are HURT about the decisions they have recently made, however you are not going to divorce your wife or leave your child because of their behavior. And if this is the deciding factor on the writing of their will, then they are in turn HURTING you again by shinning you and their grandchild. Ultimately the choice is theirs as to how they want to assign their estate, and there is pretty much nothing you can do about that (nor should you, it really isn’t any of your business, this is their estate after all). All you can do is try to explain why you are hurt and hope that they make the choice to accept your choices and not “punish” you for them. And, whichever way that goes, you need to figure out how to deal with the outcome, and how to live and move on if your parents don’t budge. You need to figure out if/how this will affect your relationship with them and your sister (not being equal in a will) and how you are going to be around them. This is not going to be easy for you, but a man of 59 years would already know this, and I am sure you have gained enough experience in life to know how to use tact. I hope that you and your family can mend this rift, regardless of the estate/will decision, you only have one family and once they are gone that’s it. Memories are great, but not as good as life. Only you can choose which way you are going to go here.

Good luck with everything,

~Xmichra.

Dear Re-Married,

Dirty deeds done dirt cheap, eh? The first thing that comes to mind will be that you announce, loud and proud that you will, in fact, *Contest that Will upon the death of your parents. You let it be known that it is underhanded in the way they have proceeded, fed upon your parents displeasure in your re-marriage, done underhandedly in order to change things in her favor. You let her know, specifically your sister, that when you do contest that will, it will cost your sister a tidy sum, that and in itself will talk to her.

You need to stand firm in your rights and within your marriage. I can not stress this enough and **I will address it again in a moment.You would think they’d be happy for you. I find it real tawdry and offensive that because your wife is Vietnamese, they would treat you as they have. Shallow thinking, shallow minds. And when they die and you two are arguing, in court over their and your rightful inheritance, all this distasteful thinking will come out.

I do believe, the courts will be sympathetic to your situation on the simple grounds of what’s commonly known as racist behavior. It speaks for itself. Ask them now, while you have the opportunity, “What would our Lord think of such detestable behavior?”

I for one, feel that your sister has been very pertinent in your parents behavior, from start to finish. I am usually right and my feelings are that you need to go to her first and state what I said at the start of this post. As well, you let her know that you are aware of her dirty dealings and it’s really ugly. One day, I firmly believe, she will have to stand before God and she will be held accountable. So will your parents and you have a chance to change things, at least for them.

I’ll say it a thousand times but “God don’t like ugly.” In the event they are not believers, I want to point out one thing; what if they are wrong? They’ll be wrong a long time. Arrogance is ugly too and those that feel they can treat people any kind of way and get away with it will soon meet my friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™

**You cherish your vows as God intended them and stand firm in your marriage. Stand against adversity, any adversity. Traditional wedding vows state;

Do you, __ take __ to be your (wife/husband)? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect her/him, forsaking all others and holding only unto her/him?” (“I do”)

“I __ , take thee __ , to be my (wife/husband) to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you..”

“With this ring, I thee wed; all my love, I do thee give.”

Now, I don’t know if you are Christian or Interfaith. I don’t know if you went to a Judge and had a civil ceremony but most people have a similar exchange of vows. They often times speak the words without hearing them. I hope that is not you. Stand firm with your wife and child, they are your family now.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S. Print this letter out and mail it to them. Let them know that the world is watching and waiting. Will they do the right thing? Will they look at their behavior? Will they realize the key to Christianity lies in treating others, not in judgment but treating them as Christ would…that includes the treatment of your wife. WWJD?

Hello James,
After reading your letter, I conclude that I am in agreement that both your parents and your sister do not approve, accept, or like, your marriage to your new wife. Instead of getting tangled up in what you see as unfair, (their attempts at secrecy and financial control), try to focus on the relevant issue, which is, that your family will act, accordingly, to how they feel about your new life, be that fair or unfair is not the issue.
It’s likely that your family feels discarded, your having found someone so meaningful to you. Do not expect their feelings towards your new wife to change, no matter what you try to explain and no matter how nice you behave towards them. My guess is that they would like it better if you had no one to rely on or to share your life with, other than them.( how sad it is that they see your happiness as a threat to their relationship with you)-
My advice to you is that you assure them that you still love them, both your sister and the both of your parents. This may not change their mind about your new wife, but it is the kind thing to do, and by being kind and considerate, one can hope for better relations with them. I advise you also, to seek legal help immediately, to make certain your financial security is protected and they are not going out of legal bounds or leaving you illegally out of a will. Please don’t forget, that if you do not protect yourself, you may be injured, financially. Do not leave yourself vulnerable to them merely because of an assurance that they are blood relatives to you.

I hope this helps! Good luck, and as always.

Thank you for contacting,

SidellSez!

*Contesting A Will

First, we must ask, what is contesting a will or a trust? Basically, contesting a will or a trust means that you are challenging the validity of the will or trust document.

It is similar to the flag that is thrown in a pro football game after a call by the referee.

In this case, the will or trust is assumed valid by the probate court judge. You are throwing out the flag and contesting the validity of
the document in question.

Contesting a will or trust usually rests on one or
two of the following factors: undue influence in executing the will
or trust, or that the person executing the will or trust lacked
mental capacity to execute the will or trust at the time it was
executed.

What is undue influence in executing a will or trust?

Here is the definition of undue influence:

Undue Influence – Influence of another that destroys the freedom of a testator or donor and creates a ground for nullifying a will or invalidating a future gift. The exercise of undue influence is suggested by excessive insistence, superiority of will or mind, the relationship of the parties or pressure on the donor or testator by any other means to do what he is unable, practically, to refuse.

So, if you can prove that the person who executed the will or trust was acting with undue influence, that is, was acting under pressure that was unable to refuse, you may have a basis to claim undue influence. This would give you one reason to contest a will or trust.

The other method to contest a will or trust is that there was a lack of testamentary capacity.

Testamentary capacity is the legal ability to make a will. In California,
for example, Probate Code Section 812 says, in part, that a person lacks the capacity to make a decision unless the person has the ability to commnicate verbally, or by any other means, the decision, and to understand and appreciate,
to the extent relevant, all of the following:

(a) The rights, duties, and responsibilities created by, or
affected by the decision.

(b) The probable consequences for the decision maker and, where
appropriate, the persons affected by the decision.

(c) The significant risks, benefits, and reasonable alternatives
involved in the decision.

So, here, to contest a will or trust due to lack or testamentary capacity, you would have to show all three elements.

This is a tough case but is not impossible. In my early legal career, I was able to obtain a $1,000,000 plus settlement for a client using the above elements.

You can find more information about wills or trusts: Click Here.

Good luck and until next time,

Phil Craig

Phil Craig is a licensed attorney and entrepreneur. He started practicing law at age 25 in 1979. He does not take on any more clients, but is advisor to some of the biggest names in the internet world. He shares his knowledge gained over the last 25 years at his Living Trust Secrets newsletter site: click here: http://www.LivingTrustSecrets.com

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Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Little Steps/Locked Away

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 20 years old and obese, and have lived with my grandmother all of my life. Ever since I graduated from high school at 17, my grandmother has tightened down on me… I got a “job” with her older gentleman friend, taking care of him. $40 a week is all I get… and my grandmother gets all but $15 of that. I am not “allowed” to get another job, and even though I’ve tried many, many times to get a job without her consent, no one will hire me around here. I’m not allowed to go anywhere, talk to anyone on the phone, or anything else other people my age find “fun”. I’ve been living like this for three and a half years.

I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.

Three years ago I met the most wonderful person in my life via the internet and have established a strong, strictly monogamous (and possessive), loving relationship. We’ve promised to be married as soon as I get away from here. She can’t do anything for me either because of her situation (he parents are much like my grandmother; we are both of age but still under the strict rule of a matriarch). I am not second-guessing our relationship, how much I love her, or the fact that I want to go to her.

I want out. I’ve gotten a friend of mine to help me GET to her in another state… But I have no way of getting money or a place to stay when I do. I honestly have no hope of saving money for that purpose either. I can’t stay with her because of her parents. I can’t afford a place of my own. Should I go homeless until I can get a job? Apply for welfare? I don’t know what to do. But I’m not staying here.

Dear Locked Away,

I have no idea how you are doing what you are doing… wow. Incredible strength to live a life like yours, I just can’t fathom and completely understand wanting out.
I do want to suggest that you talk with your grandmother about what you want to do though, and tell her that you are going regardless of what or how she feels so she has the choice to either help you and support your decision or to shun you, which would be horrible for you. Explain that she has indeed raised you well, and you appreciate the life she has sustained for you and her, and you love her. But you need to stretch out and explore life, you need to live your own life, and you want her to be a part of it. But you need to do this, with or without her.

Reason I say to do this, there are two. One, is she will be worried sick if you up and leave and she has no idea what happened. Something could happen to her, which you would never forgive yourself for. Two, you owe it to yourself to stand up and take control of your life and not just run away. This is going to be the defining moment in your life, where you will look back and say “I did it, and this is my life”. You will want that moment, believe me.

I do not recommend being homeless, that’s for sure. So you need to be a little bit more proactive. Being homeless isn’t just not having a place to stay. It’s no food, no shelter, no where to keep clean (which drastically diminishes your chance at finding and keeping a job). It’s not a good route to go. And she is in the same predicament, so I don’t see her moving out of her house to live on the streets as well. Thus destroying any hope of happiness you two so want.

First things first, you have access to the internet, so use it! You can apply for jobs (there are plenty of minimum wage jobs out there to give you some experience and money, and you may need to work two jobs for the time being to get your footing) on-line, and you can look for a place to stay (like a half way house or boarding house that you can pay for daily instead of monthly like most apartments). Look around the area via on-line and see what you can do and how to survive before you do anything rash.
Get your girlfriend involved with your search, make a plan and be smart about the choices you make. You will have a great life, if you are not afraid to take the steps, and are wise enough to stay clear of the wrong ones.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Locked Away,

I have a strict rule within our little society, to never read an answer given by another staff member before I post it, simply because I do not want to be biased or swayed from or in my answer. This allows me as well, to look towards my own resources for my very own opinion. But damn if I wasn’t tempted to look at Xmichra’s answer to you. I’m almost at a loss for your answer. I will pray for guidance and wisdom in my words to you.

You are definitely in a very precarious position, one which seems to have no out. But one thing I have learned as I look back on my life; Even in my darkest hour, at the worst possible moment and situations, I can see there were always, always choices. You just must look for them. As well, sometimes it takes pure unadulterated resilience to make a change.

You must take little steps to this change, make it one day, one moment at a time. The first step is to a healthier you. You say you are obese, well, a good portion of America is obese and part of that is because we have lost touch with what it is to eat right. Once we begin to eat wrong, eating the wrong things become a “Craving.” You will crave the saturated fats, you will crave the refined sugar, Debbie Cakes, Twinkies and the lot. Yes, your body craves the poison you put into it. Once you become aware that this is happening and make a conscience effort to change it…believe it or not…it will begin to change.

Most people fall when they diet because they don’t know how to properly diet. You seem reasonably intelligent so I urge you to do your homework, study yourself; Why do you eat? What do you eat? How are you eating?

I don’t claim to be a diet guru and I sure as hell don’t know all the answers. In fact, I don’t always practice what I preach. I am 5′3 and 135lbs. That means I am not obese but I have been. In order for me to lose any weight myself, I had to take notice of a few things. It’s just a few simple observations that changed some things for me. One of those observations was that if we listen to our bodies, instead of our bad habits, deeply ingrained, thing begin to change.

In example; I noticed that those children that were of normal height and weight, my own children, in fact, do not eat if they are not hungry. Their bodies, their own metabolism tells them, “Hey, slow it down there Mister.” You can put their absolute favorite food in front of them; pizza hot dogs, chips, cake, whatever and if they are not hungry, they will not eat it…until they learn bad habits.

So, ask yourself; “Have I ever eaten just for the sake of eating, even when I wasn’t hungry?”The start of even a tad bit of self control will begin your journey in this change. You start with every time you eat, do not eat the last bite. I’m telling you, if you can do this you will begin those little steps to a new you. Next step you leave two bites and so on.

Another way to this self control is to use a smaller plate and only eat what you put on that plate, leaving that last bite and so on. As well, to begin a diet and this self control thing I’m talking about, in your diet, you may have that slice of pizza, ya just can’t eat the whole damn thing. Go ahead and have some ice cream that you might crave, just don’t eat the whole box and only have one scoop. Yes, I’m giving you permission to eat some of those things so you don’t argue with yourself. It’s just all got to be in moderation.

I’m telling you that you can do this. I believe in you. Whatever Grandma is feeding you, eat it in moderation. See, Grandma comes from the old school, where food is comfort and a good women feeds her men. I know because that premise is deeply ingrained in me. When my sons come around, the very first thing I do, even unconsciously, is offer them something to eat. It’s what we do. That’s Grandma’s way of saying I love you. But she’s loved you so much, it shows, huh? Think about that, ok?

Little Steps

“Most of us want what we want when we want it and dammit we want it right now.”

Yes, I know you want out of this/your situation right this very minute. You may even be a bit peeved because we haven’t answered you until now. I do apologize for this as we are running behind, it is my fault. But you’ve come to this juncture, not over night and the journey out will and must begin will your own mindset.

I’d like you to begin to look into the resources which may be available to you. I’ve read your letter several times and what really reaches out to me is the part where you said;

“I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.“

This situation, whether you realize it or not, may be used to your advantage. See, any time you are admitted or evaluated for Mental Health, you are given, either a Case Manager and/or a Therapist, Psychoanalyst, Psychiatrist, etc., etc. Now, find out who they are and begin to use them and your situation to your advantage. It will be named, just for you, ” Using the System” to your advantage. Sometimes if we don’t fight the system and go with it, it is a productive and possibly helpful situation.

In your scenario, you’ve fought the system. You were sent there against your will and I’d be willing to bet you were down right pissed off because of your involvement with Mental Health. Why don’t you turn this around to become a positive experience. Contact your worker or therapist and tell them exactly what is going on. Ask them for help and let them know that it is not, your situation, conducive to your mental state of mind. After you’ve said this, they will have pretty much do what they can to help you or at least steer you in the right direction. To start; simply ask if there are any resources available.

If you can not do this and you insist on breaking the chain and must move right away, find out where the shelters are in the area you want to go to. Now, this may not be the most pleasant of situations, most shelters are not the best environment. The reason for going though is that when someone goes to a shelter, they open up a “case” for you. They will then try to help you relocate. There will be available resources for you in this situation, I do believe. Walking into welfare and asking for help, especially in a new state will not get you too far right away and I do believe you might get more help by going to the shelter.

If all this does not work, I most assuredly welcome you to write us again, state the existing problem and what you have done and we’ll take it from there.

I wish you only the very best…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

From Real Food For Real People

~The Cabbage Soup Diet~

The ABC’s of a Negative Foods Diet
Many years ago, my Dad shared a book with me by the Monk, who invented this diet. The man had been an overweight Scientist, before becoming a monk. In his research, he pooled all his knowledge about Metabolism, Calories and Negative Calories.

He came up with the
“Cabbage Soup Diet”. He warned the reader, that you would certainly lose weight in the first week but you could not continue to eat this soup, by itself. He had become malnourished, himself. He made it clear, that after the first week, you must eat a sensible diet and suggested, eating the soup before your lunch and dinner.

My Dad, Mom, Husband and I, all lost weight on this soup diet. But why?
This soup ingredients has a consistent negative calorie content. What is a negative calorie?

Definition of Negative calorie diet

Negative calorie diet: The Negative calorie diet is a weight loss concept based upon the premise that consumption of foods with a “negative caloric effect” (meaning that the calories burned by chewing, digesting, and eliminating the food are greater than those contained in the food itself) will lead to rapid weight loss of up to two pounds per day.

Negative calorie diet works from the starting point that body has to burn energy to digest food. If more calories are consumed burning the food than that is contained in the food, you get a negative calorie effect.

Here’s a list of negative foods;

Negative calorie list for vegetables

Asparagus	Fennel *
Aubergine *	Gourd *
Broccoli	Leek
Cabbage *	Lettuce *
Carrots	Marrow *
Cauliflower	Peppers
Celery *	Radish *
Chicory *	Spinach
Cress *	Tomato *
Cucumber *	Turnip

Negative Fruits

Apricot	Mandarin orange
Blackberry *	Melon Canteloupe *
Blackcurrant	Peaches
Clementines	Plums
Damsons	Raspberry *
Grapefruit	Rhubarb **
Guava *	Strawberry
Honeydew Melon	Tangerine
Lemon *	Watermelon

My Recipe

1 lg head Cabbage

2 lg cans Tomatoes

1 stalk Celery

3 lg Onions

1 bunch Carrots

2 lg Green Peppers

1 lg Red Pepper

3+ cloves Garlic chipped

*4 Chicken or Beef Boullion Cubes

In a large pot, fill up half way with water and boullion cubes. Bring to boil. Cut, chip, slice your veggies and bring to a boil. Begin to simmer until tender. Add salt and pepper or whatever spices you might enjoy. I like cracked pepper in mine. I also like a few *optional things to jazz it up such as *1 lg can white boneless breast and *Mushrooms or Spinach.

The Cabbage Soup is an all-you-can-eat-cabbage-soup diet which claims that the more cabbage soup you eat, the more weight you’ll lose. The diet’s so-called fat burning soup contains negligible calories so you don’t have to worry about gaining weight. The Cabbage Soup Diet states that by adhering to the Cabbage Soup Diet for 7 days will result in immediate weight loss.

How Does the Cabbage Soup Diet work?

On the Cabbage Soup Diet, individuals are encouraged to eat as much Cabbage soup and consume as much water as they want. Other foods are involved as well but their intake is severely restricted. The cabbage soup can be eaten as many times but it is not recommended that you eat soup only as it can result in malnourishment. Drinking 7-8 glasses of water a day is also recommended. The Cabbage Soup Diet’s 7-Day plan is easy to follow, however dieters are asked to consult their doctor before following this 7-day meal plan:
~~~

If you have a special occasion coming up, or you simply need to lose weight fast, the Cabbage Soup Diet may be just what you’re looking for.

Although not suitable for long-term weight loss, the Cabbage Soup Diet is a low-fat, high-fiber diet that will help you get into shape fast before you embark on a more moderate long-term eating plan.

Pros and Cons of the Cabbage Soup Diet

Pros: You’ll lose weight fast, and can get as much of the foods listed in the program as you want. Although the diet is only for seven days (and shouldn’t be adhered to for longer), it provides a great “kick-start” for a more moderate diet.

Cons: Some people find the soup bland. Some people have reported feeling light-headed, weak, and have suffered from decreased concentration (although some who have been affected in this way felt it was well worth it, since it was only for a week and they had lost considerable weight).

Personal Note: If you’re SERIOUS about losing weight, I would URGE you to check out a brand new concept I just found out about :

Fat Loss 4 Idiots

This diet actually works BETTER than the cabbage soup diet, and it allows you to lose 9 lbs every 11 days … while eating many of your favorite foods.

Sound impossible? I thought so too, until I tried the amazing new method known a “Calorie Shifting”, which actually “tricks” your body into burning fat.

Believe me when I say this will blow you away! Click here for more info …

What the Cabbage Soup Diet is NOT

The cabbage soup diet is sometimes referred to as the “Mayo Clinic Diet”, and the “Sacred Heart Hospital Diet”. Interestingly, this diet has nothing to do with either the Mayo Clinic, nor any Sacred Heart Hospital we know about.

The Problem With Most “Mainstream” Diets

Most diets – especially “mainstream” diets, and those recommended by major medical institutions – work slowly but surely, resulting in around 1 pound of weight loss per week.

This “slow and steady” way to lose weight is certainly healthy, but suffers from one significant drawback : most people get discouraged and quit whatever diet they are on if they don’t see results quickly.
~~~

Seven Keys to Success

1. Follow the diet religiously.
2. Drink at least 4 glasses of water per day
3. Keep in mind that it’s only seven days
4. Complement the diet with a good multivitamin tablet
5. Print the information on this site so you can refer to it daily
6. Eat plenty of soup – as much as you want! Do not try to starve yourself or you’ll probably cheat and break the diet
7. Try different spices to liven up the soup and add variety
~~~
Here’s other versions, I found online;

The Cabbage Soup Diet
Also called “The Dolly Parton diet,” for reasons that are shrouded in mystery, this 7-day diet really does work–in the short term, anyway. And there’s a great purity to it–especially in the summertime when it’s wonderfully refreshing served ice cold. Ingredient proportions can be varied according to your likes and dislikes. If you’re interested in recent studies on the efficacy of soup in diets, click HERE And please read to the end of the recipe where you’ll find testimony and great ideas regarding the diet from soupsong readers.

Okay, are you ready? Here we go:

* 1 head cabbage, shredded or chopped
* 2 large onions, chopped
* 16-28 ounces canned tomatoes, chopped
* 2 green peppers
* 4 stalks celery
* 1-2 packages Lipton onion soup mix, or any dry onion soup mix (optional)
* black pepper
* any fresh herb(s) of your choice, chopped
* 6 carrots, sliced
* 1/2 pound green beans, sliced on diagonal
* 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar (optional)

Put all vegetables in a big pot and cover with water. Bring to a boil, stir in the soup mix (if desired), and boil gently for 10 minutes. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer until all the vegetables are soft. Stir in the black pepper and chopped herbs (saving some for garnish).

Eat as much of the soup as you like, as often as you like. Drink as much water as you like and non-caloric drinks including coffee, tea, and herbal teas.

Here’s what else you can eat, and when:

DAY 1: All fruits except bananas.

DAY 2: All vegetables, raw or cooked. This includes baked potato with a LITTLE butter.

DAY 3: Fruits and vegetables, but no potatoes or bananas.

DAY 4: Bananas and skim milk–eat as many as 8 bananas and drink as many as 8 glasses of skim milk.

DAY 5: Beef, skinless chicken, and/or fish–as much as 20 ounces, total. You can also eat 6 tomatoes. And you must drink 8 glasses of water. Don’t forget at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 6: Beef, skinless chicken, or fish and vegetables. Drink 8 glasses of water and eat at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 7: Brown rice, vegetables, and unsweetened fruit juice.

~~~~~~~

Cabbage Soup Recipe

* 6 large green onions
* 2 green peppers
* 1 or 2 cans of tomatoes (diced or whole)
* 3 Carrots
* 1 Container (10 oz. or so) Mushrooms
* 1 bunch of celery
* half a head of cabbage
* 1 package Lipton soup mix
* 1 or 2 cubes of bouillon (optional)
* 1 48oz can V8 juice (optional)
* Season to taste with salt, pepper, parsley, curry, garlic powder, etc.

Directions:

Slice green onions, put in a pot and start to saute with cooking spray.

Cut green pepper stem end off and cut in half, take the seeds and membrane out. Cut the green-pepper into bite size pieces and add to pot.

Take the outer leafs layers off the cabbage, cut into bite size pieces, add to pot.

Clean carrots, cut into bite size pieces, and add to pot.

Slice mushrooms into thick slices, add to pot.

If you would like a spicy soup, add a small amount of curry or cayenne pepper now.

You can use beef or chicken bouillon cubes for seasonings. These have all the salt and flavors you will need.

Use about 12 cups of water (or 8 cups and the V8 juice), cover and put heat on low. Let soup cook for a long time – two hours works well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Labels: Cabbage Soup Diet, Lose Weight

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Playing With Fire

by SidellSez

Dear Aunt Babz,

So there is this girl. This girl I care for a lot, and like her a lot. She like me too. Simple right? Not. My close friend likes her too. And guess what, she’s also admitted to liking him. We’ve both hooked up with her. We both know this, but its almost taboo to talk about with each other. I mean we have before, but never came to any conclusion. She eventually told us she didn’t want to pick, but be friends with both of us. We’ll that didn’t last long, and we are both pursuing her again. What should I do. And please don’t say that I shouldn’t anymore, cause she is playing us. I’ve realized that one. Im just confused and need an alternative!

Thanks,

Lost and Confused
Dear Lost and Confused,

I am not sure what to say, since you already know the problem and the solution but choose not to take it. So. Best I can do is offering you a bit of advice about your current actions.

You know that you are playing with fire, and someone is going to get burned. But the fire is fun and exciting, which makes it hard to stop. I get that… been there. But you need to sit down with your friend and talk even if it is taboo. You may think that these things won’t come between you two (because you figured it out before) but they will.

This girl is trouble for you two, and you need to sort out what is going to happen between the two of you and set some friendship ground rules, that’s for sure.
You know that no good can come of this, pursuing this girl from the both of you, so now you just need to do damage control since neither of you are willing to give it up and neither is she.

Wish I had better advice for you, but your gut instinct is right on this one.. you just need to have the courage to listen to it.

Good luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Lost and Confused,
Thank you for contacting Sidell Sez,
You are writing to me about a girl that both you and your friend like a lot. You wonder what you can do to find out about who she most cares for, you or your friend. My advice to you is that you need to take your time and as time passes, what she feels for you will be revealed. When you know how much she cares for either you or your friend, you will be in a better position to make a decision in regards to what you can do! So, for now, I advise you to take it easy and enjoy being friends.

I hope this helps!

Thank you for contacting,

SidellSez!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

IMing It

We hope you all had a wonderful holiday.
Aunt B is extremely behind because of the holidays. Please be patient. Thank You!!!

Dear Aunt B,

I’m currently in grade 12 and I really like this guy a lot; let’s call him Andy. Andy and I are friends and we have 2 classes together so I get to see him everyday. Anyway, I really want him to like me and I don’t think he likes me more than a friend and sadly, we’re not that great friends either but I do openly talk to him though since I’m not shy or anything. Eventhough I’m not shy, I am shy when it comes to flirting or making a move and one thing’s for sure; he’s definately the shy and quiet type. Some of my friends think I should make the first move. They want me to casually ask him out and I am planning to ask him to work on our homework together but nothing official. Anyway, I’m afraid of rejection and I dont want him to turn me down. Also, the main problem is I know he gave up dating since I have him on my facebook and he’s in this group, ‘I kissed dating goodbye’ and also, ‘I said hello to courtship’. I think this is because things ended badly with his ex. If that wasn’t hopeless enough for me, he’s a different race and religion, which I have no problem with but he may, I’m not really sure. He asked me to go to church with him and his friend once in class once but I said no… Yes, VERY stupid of me!! I just said no even without thinking because I never went to a church before and I wish I said yes so badly!! Anyways, he doesn’t really show that much interest in me but two of my friends think he does like me. Here’s one of our conversations through facebook messaging:

Andy

November 23 at 8:52pm

hey SA did you finish the english work?

SA

December 23 at 9:04pm

:O wowww.. this msg was oooldd.. lol andrew I usually dont ever check my fb inbox!! …and..noo i didnt finish my eng work =] u readin the book?

Andy

December 24 at 1:20am

nope lol but im going to start…how is florida?

SA

December 24 at 2:38pm

It was awesomee! the weather was soo perfect!! anywayz Merry Xmas!!! =) ..well i think itz xmas eve soo merry xmas eve?? =S

Aunt B, I’m showing you this conversation to show you that he doesn’t seem to have that much interest in me because he’s late in replying. Is there a way to make him like me? and do you think I should maybe flirt with him? I don’t really know how to but I can give it a try. I really want him to ask me out and it’s kind of obvious I like him!! My friends kinda make it obvious and I clearly sit behind him instead of with my friends in both of the classes we have together so that also kind of obvious too. If it’s obvious and he isn’t making a move, I guess it means he’s not interested, right?

~SA

Dear SA,

I see what makes this difficult for you, but you have to grab the bull by the horns and not be afraid of rejection. Because really, the worst this guy will say is no… and that isn’t really all that bad if you keep it in the comfort zone.

If I were you I would maybe re-look at the going to church thing (if you don’t mind, if it isn’t against your beliefs) and just ask “hey, I know you asked me before and I said no, but I would actually enjoy going to church with you to see what it is like, do you mind If I come with you?” ,something like that. It will open up a dialogue at any rate, and you can go from there.

Don’t get all religiously involved if that isn’t your thing, but to show an interest in what he values is a good thing. As for the Facebook messages, I wouldn’t get too over anxious about that. I know plenty of people who don’t check that inbox as often… and to join a group is no biggy either.

Maybe this guy did get burned and isn’t looking to get hurt… but I have yet to meet a person who really has sworn off dating when they were so young. Don’t be afraid to go for what you want though, or the only thing you will have is the regret of not trying.

Good luck!

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!