Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell

Dear Aunt B,

Subject: Please tell me…….

the reason to go on in life. I’m a 49 yr old woman, who lives w/ my 88 yr old father. I lost my mother 4 yrs ago to cancer. Thought I found my soul mate (online), but soon learned he just wanted to use me. I work with Down’s Syndrome ladies Have been with them for 16 yrs. My title is dietary/caregiver. I’m best known as the person who brings food into the house (both at work and at home). When one of my co-workers asked a resident what she would remember me most for (if I passed on)…..answer…..groceries.

As far as home life, I’m a caregiver too. My father, well….it’s hard to explain……He has always been there for me. He has helped me out with some huge scrapes that I got myself into. I’ll be indebted to him for the rest of my life, and I think he knows this. It’s a strange relationship, not a close father and daughter one. It’s mostly….I’m just here to just listen and agree.

I have animals and love them dearly. I’ve always wanted to work with animals and have tried through out my life. However my brains only functioned for a very short while and didn’t allow me to continue. I remember my mother telling me it’s my fault that I didn’t get ahead. But, I think it was something else going on, something medical. I’m a complete and total failure !!!

I do miss my mom, we were like sisters. She died a brutal death from Ovarian cancer. I’ll never forget the torture she went through. Nor will I ever forgive myself for being a big disappointment to her.

I’m so sick and tired of life, All that goes through my mind is what I’ll be remember as. The grocery ladies, or the lady who knows where every caned item is located in the groc. store. The daughter who must always put food in front of my father in order to satisfy him. The daughter that should have spent more time in the kitchen rather then with my animals and learning about nature. Telling me my cooking skills will get better through time. Never will I be remembered as the person who dedicated her whole life to animal causes or a wonderful veterinarian who cared for all creatures. Oh, maybe as a past time, but that’s all…..the rest of the time is strictly to serve people and to satisfy their ungrateful needs.

Not only will I be remembered as the food lady, I’ll be remembered as the person who got involved with someone on the Internet and made a fool out of herself. Like I said, I Thought I found someone who loved me and loved animals. This person came into my life the same time my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I thought he was a gift from god to help me deal with this. He himself had suffered a stroke. This gift from god used me to support him. I should have known this all along. He also abused my little dog, so we left in a hurry and came back home to my dad.

Please……don’t think I’m ungrateful….that I don’t appreciate having a job or my father. I’m just tired of my life….I’m thinking that I have 40 or so more years to go, for what reason? I’ll be alone this next half, and my life will be the same, bitter, untrusting, miserable and full of regrets. What kind of existence is that? Oh God, please tell me why I should go on………Elly

Dear Elly,

I think at this stage in your life you’ve got a clear cut case of the “Wish Id’s.” {A Babzism} And it seems to me that it’s a rather serious case at that. But it is somewhat curable.

I recognize it, your situation, quite clearly as I’ve gone through it myself. And if the truth were known, I still do, more often than not. Yes, at 50, you have to know that I have asked myself the same tired questions that you are. In fact, I didn’t like my own answers, personally.

I do believe, at any age, people go through this or rather ask themselves the same questions. It just may be what spurs us on to bigger and better things. Now, you can not change the past, EVER but you sure as hell can change the future. And in the interim, you look back in retrospect, you hopefully learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward. Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell about it all…hopefully.

No, this is not going to be my version of the sidelines cheerleader squad (I was a Majorette anyway, not a cheerleader). But I would like to remind you to re-evaluate your goals, re-establish those goals starting out a bit more reasonably.

I’d prefer to see you stop kicking yourself in the ass for what you did not do, who you did not become, what you were not able to accomplish. It serves no one, least of all yourself.

This case of the “Wish Id’s,” is similar to anger, an anger based upon things for which you have no control over; your past. While I do value your exploration in this process you are going through, it serves no one, least of all you. It is destructive and allowed to continue unbridled, unchecked well G-Friend, you are on a course to implosion.

My suggestion is to understand first that life is all a matter of perception. In example, not one of my sins sons is “worldly successful.” I’ve said this before. But the one thing about my children that I am not only fond of but rather proud of is that they are all good human beings, good hearted, compassionate to a fault, just all around good guys. They are God fearing, have a great sense of humor, a wonderful sense of family and solid values and beliefs.

All grown, big and hairy men(and good looking to their Mama), they generally do not have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but what little they do have they have worked for, not stolen from to get or taken anything or anyone for granted.

And while we love our children, quite often we do not like them, now do we? At least this is a truism for those of us who are willing to admit it. So, can you appreciate the thought that I not only love my sons but like them and enjoy their company?

You may be asking yourself, at this juncture, “Well Aunt B, c’mon, really what in the Sam Hell does this have to do with me?” I think what I’m trying to convey to you is, for real, what is your definition of success?

As I mentioned before, you truly need to look at your values and belief systems and tweak the shit outa them. Wake up tomorrow morning with a fresh cup of coffee and a fresh outlook. Then, you march your ass into the bathroom, look yourself square in the eye and ask yourself, this pertinent question;

Am I a good person? (And every day, from that moment on, you look yourself in the eye, making absolutely sure you are looking into your own soul and not past it and ask that question).

“When it’s all said and done, I do personally believe that you will be remembered for the good you do even if it’s one person at a time.”

Just as a suggestion you could possibly start a blog (hey, it’s free)as an outlet, working towards a common goal. I have personal friends who do a lot of animal rescue, a much needed service and mentality. You could begin making a difference even if it’s just in your own backyard, you see?

The thing is, the important thought process here is for you to do what you can to make a difference, one person at a time. And to prove my point; I have been doing this “Ask Aunt B(WP)” gig since 2006. Since it’s inception, Xmichra and I have answered upwards of 400 letters/questions from every walk of life. Now, I’d like to think we’ve made a dent in and contributed to helping others. Again, one person at a time.

There is no greatness in what we do. That is proven by the fact that more often than not we don’t even get a reply from the person that’s sent us a question. And even though we’ve poured our hearts out at times, we may not get so much as a thank you, not even a “kiss my ass.”

However, there have been times, although they are few and far between where we get a letter from a reader telling us that we’ve most certainly helped them, they’ve gained a perspective that they were not able to see and/or that we made a difference in their life. And that right there, Ma’am, is the only reason I bother to do this. Yes, that tad bit of an attitude of gratitude that we might get, spurs us on.

Find that special something that you can do, one person at a time, maybe even, “One Kitty Cat or Doggie” at a time!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Elly,

You sound like you are worn out and need a break! Wearing yourself emotionally thin can cause a lot of depression and feelings of unfulfilment… but so can surrounding yourself with people who are unappreciative.

I understand that you feel bound to take care of your father. And I understand that you need to stay employed. But those two things shouldn’t be your whole life…. you have passions! And everyone needs a bit of personal down time, which I don’t think you are taking for yourself.

Thinking about how other people see you isn’t the goal. It’s how you see yourself. And you are doing yourself a great dsi-service by not recognising that you have made some very huge sacrifices in your own life to help others. People are just another form of animal Elly, and you are looking after them feeding them helping them in a time of need. Don’t sell yourself short, you are doing something that a lot of others wouldn’t do… you are giving your time and helping your father. You are a good person, and you deserve some acknowledgment for that.

As for the internet dating, we all make mistakes. You were in a vulnerable position and you were taken advantage of by an asshat. Internet or not, there are plenty of asshats out there and your situation, unfortunately, is a common one. These guys (and gals) can’t do anything for themselves and look for a “free ride”. They are lazy, manipulative liars who con their way into your life and savings account. And you saw through that in the end, but you can’t possibly think that you would see that right from the start. These people know what they are doing, and lie to get what they want. You are a genuinely good person and wouldn’t lie like that, so naturally you wouldn’t think someone would lie like that either. It is not naive, it is human. Don’t beat yourself up for this Elly, it is totally not your fault.

You said that you were close to your mother, and that can be really tough when a mother dies. I would suggest that you try finding a grieving support group to try and help you through this. There are several that deal with female cancers, so that would be the first place to try. But you really do need to talk about this, and begin to let go. You are beating yourself up for not measuring up to a standard, and that is unfair to you. You need to find some support and start to feel better, you really need to feel better Elly. It is essential.

Your last statement, why should you go on? Because Elly, you are so far from being done!! You have a whole life left to live, and you can change it to be whatever you want it to be! You are doing something unimaginably kind to support your father… do the same for yourself! Let your passions out, offer assistance in an animal shelter, take a night class for veterinary assistant, go to that support group and vent! You need release and to have something that is yours, and you are worth the effort, don’t you think?

If you need help finding a support group please let us know, and we will help find one in your area. The most important message I want you to finish reading from me is:

YOU ARE WORTH THE SAME EFFORT YOU SELFLESSLY GIVE TO OTHERS!!!

I hope you read that, and give yourself the shot at a life not realised. You have so much to do still, and so much to enjoy.

~Xmichra

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Click Here to Ask Aunt B

Love or Money???

Dear Aunt B,

Subject: Which Woman (love or money)

I’m a big blog fan of Xmichra and harbor a secret crush on her to spite the Aunt Bee Question. Ok, here we go:

I’m a 50 year old man from California, divorced three years ago. I have a good job and make good money, and at present I have two girlfriends.. Each knows about the other. Each is upset that I see the other and I need to make a decision. Can you help:

Woman 1: 40, very pretty, medical doctor, fun to be with and I love her because I simply do. The chemistry is phenomenal. She still has nearly half a million in med school debts outstanding and if we end up together, I’m going to end up assuming liability for some of that debt simply because I know I will. Yes she’s a doctor, no, she can’t save money.

Woman 2: 38, stunning, some college, fun, flirtatious, and she’s all over me like a cheap suit. Hinted at marriage, openly said no pre-nup, and she’s personally worth over $50 million (family money). I don’t have the emotional connection I have with Woman 1, but she seems to be hung up on me. It would be very easy to be married to her, but she’s not my best friend.

What do you think?

Love or Money?

Dear Love or Money,

Geez, you made me blush! Thank you

Now to get to your question. For love or money… it’s a tough call when you have a good chemistry, but it’s pretty apparent that you feel love for woman#1 and not for #2. So, to me, the rational choice is woman #1.

As for the “I’m going to end up assuming liability for some of that debt simply because I know I will” portion, well only you can control that. The woman is forty, and well understands a thing or two about life so I imagine if you had discussed this before getting completely serious (marriage, common law etc) that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to establish that her debt is in fact her own to clear. If you are the sort that simply cannot deal or function with dual bank accounts and separate payment responsibilities then that is more about the person *you* are than a “down side” to being with her. Don’t take that too offensively, as I am “that sort’ as well. I can’t watch my partner not go out for a meal because he can’t afford it, but I can. I believe in sharing responsibilities and sharing accounts and debts regardless of who’s is what, and then making mutual agreements on a budget and payouts. But that is *my* outlook, and not necessarily the popular one.

Anyway, to make this a little clearer, money is great fun and makes life seem a lot easier, but the company of someone you love is priceless. Sounds cheesy, but it is true. You probably know this already, having been divorced, that being in love with someone is more important than financial accommodation or comfort. And having said that, would you really want to be in a marriage or relationship that wasn`t 100%, after being in one like that already… my guess is no.

I think you know the answer. Now it`s just time to get the courage to put it to action.

Good Luck,

X-Xmichra

 

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

“Self-Will Run Riot”

Dear Aunt B,

My Name is Beth and I am 24 years old from Colorado..A few months ago or more like since January I met this guy through some friends of mine and I had a little crush on him for a while but ended up getting over him.. or so I thought. anyway, I started to pray for him ( we both are christian and go to the same church and what not and have the same group of friends). for a while and still now I have been praying that we continue to be good friends and that we would talk and everything.. well God sure seemed to answer those prayers. I only prayed for him every night when I went to bed like I did for all of my other friends and thanking God for putting them into my life and everything. well..the last few weeks I started noticing how I started to pray for him much more during the day than i did my other friends. It is getting to the point to where I almost go through a whole day just praying for him and I feel like God has put him on my heart for some reason even though the chances of us being in a relationship is very unlikely. I don’t even know why or where even it started (the constant praying for him part came from). I have been trying to force myself to get my mind off of him and it is not happening.. for a long time it seemed to work. I have never had this problem before with getting over crushes (even ones that I saw all the time).Then Last night I had this dream out of nowhere that he and I were slowdancing in a school gym with a few other people and I dreamed that he was the one for me and everything. I don’t know if you can help me with advice or if you know much of how to help me in my situation and such.. I have been trying really hard to get over him and none of this has ever happened to another guy I know ever before and I totally thought I was over him and such. I am asuming that I am just over reacting to this and am over analyzing…but I don’t know.. what are your thoughts?
Thanks,
Beth
Dear Beth,

Well my friend, a couple things come to mind as points to ponder;

#1 Are are thinking about him because you’ve stepped up your prayers for him, thus the dreams. And vice-versa?

#2 Are you forcing your wants and desires, in the form of prayer?

#3 While I hear you say that you are praying, are you allowing time for God to speak to you, in and within this dialogue?

First, I wanted to commend you in your devotions. Too often, I do believe people fall into the rhetoric of ritualistic behaviors. What I mean is that they view prayer as something you do at a certain time, every day or right before bed, etc.

In truth, just as you might stay on the line with your bestest of bestest friend, <—(a Babzism)sharing in all things, good, bad and grateful, this is how it should be with our Lord. Stay on the line, after all, there’s no long distance fee!!!

I do believe things changed for me when I realized that to stay in constant dialogue with God was quite beneficial to/for me. As well, when I began to see even the smallest things to rejoice in and be grateful for, I am and was comforted.

But even for me, I find myself wanting to run the show. Good ol’ “self-will run riot.” And all my life, I’ve wanted to drive the car even though I kept wrecking it. I have to learn to allow the Lord to do the driving as well as “Letting Go & Letting God,” in so many aspects of my life.

So, I only speak from experience when I say these things. I also was praying, blurting out things and never taking the time to shush up and listen. I am still convicted of this but that does not mean I won’t pass on the tidbit to you hoping you’ll conquer in this quest, this journey.

My advice to you would be to continue in your prayer but may I suggest that you speak to our Lord asking him for His will to be done, in all things. Change up things a bit and ask our heavenly Father for divine guidance, wisdom and for your wants and desires to be conducive and in line with His will.

Yes, I’d say that concentrating on this way of thinking will become your answer.

“I will also agree with you, in prayer, this very minute, that all things will be done for the good of and by the grace of our wonderful God. You must seek His face. Yes, seek His face. We’ll pray for divine intervention on your behalf. If this fella is the one for you, he will be ordained by God Himself. If he is not your Mr. Right, God will heal your heart by steering you in the right direction. Remember; our Father, when He closes one door, He always opens another. May He bless you, shine upon you with His heavenly Light and show you the way. I also ask that Christ/Yeshua might set about finding you a mate that is hand picked. And may He illuminate your future husband. Whether it be this fellow or not, we can agree, in prayer, that our Lord’s will be done and that you and your mate will be to the glory of The Father!”

Listen and be still. Listen for that small still voice to guide your way…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Reader,

God is not putting this bloke into your head, you are. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now all you need is a little gumption.

Why? Because you need to ask this guy out. Seriously.

You have a huge crush on this guy, and you are friends, you hang out already, so what’s the big set back? I’m pretty sure you can ask him out on a date, and think you really should.

This is an out and out case of a big crush, and wanting to see if it can lead to more. Maybe he is shy, or maybe he doesn’t know how you feel, but he is not asking you out so far, so why not just ask him? The only way you are ever going to figure out if he is meant for you, is by getting to know him on a different level, and I’m sorry honey but praying for him ain’t gonna make that happen. YOU can make things happen, by action.

Be brave! Take a chance! ASK HIM OUT!

Good Luck

~Xmichra

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

This Transition

Dear Aunt B,

I know you stated on your website to go ahead and ask any question. But as I began to write mine I noticed I was writing too much haha, it is a very long story and I don’t want to take up too much of your time because I see how many people have already written to you and they had straight to the point stories, not taking up more than 2 paragraphs. But I just really needed someone to talk to, so I basically poured my heart out haha. Is that okay to send to you anyway or would it be better if I tried summing it up more? Whatever is convenient for you just let me know and I will shorten my big long story

Editor’s Note; I wrote back to Jennifer the following…

“Hello Jennifer,

I am in receipt of your part one question. I welcome you to please tell me everything you feel you need to say. There is no limit or guideline, short or long. The more I know, the better to help you.

I’ll welcome your reply and will answer you asap!”

I then received her next letter which Xmichra kindly took the time to answer.



Well Aunt B, here is my story. I am only 20 years old but have put myself in an awkward position and need help getting out of it. I have been dating this person for almost 5 years. We were high school sweethearts and are still together to this day. He’s a good person, my mom loves him, we have seen each other grow and even helped each other grow as well. All of our family encourages our relationship and have never once doubted anything we did as a couple. Even our friends call us the “real deal”. At one point in our relationship, around our 3rd year together (i know, i know.. we were still very young) we began to talk about marriage and having kids. Everything seemed so perfect, he was my best friend, he was always there for me. There was nothing negative I could say about him or about the relationship, even now. And to be honest, when I made these decisions with him I really believe I did it out of comfort. Because I figured nobody as perfect or more perfect than him would come along and I was afraid to find out anyway. And over the following years I believed I let go of that fear because I felt it in my heart that I was genuinely wanting this life with him. But then I started college in the fall of 2008 and I was making friends left and right. Catching up with high school friends and finding new ones. He and I had our differences and sometimes clashed. But we never argued, we would always discuss how we felt and didn’t leave anything unsaid until we found a mutual understanding. And believe me I am grateful for that because I know other couples don’t have it picture perfect. I don’t want to sound like I am complaining but , all the “perfectness” started to get under my skin. And I really tried to fight it because I did not want to feel like a brat or lose what was most valuable to me over a silly phase.

But I couldn’t help how I was feeling. The more we had these discussions the more I began to realize our differences, which seem like a lot. I realized how jealous he was, how controlling, and needy he was. He didn’t want me to dress a certain way leaving the house, he didn’t want me talking to any boys even if they were old friends, he did not like for me to attend any kind of events, parties, get togethers, or even bowling with a few friends. He would get upset if I didn’t call him to let him know where I was, when I got home, or who I was with. He did not want me having any kind of webpage like myspace, facebook, etc. He did not even want me texting anyone back while I was on the phone with him. I just began feeling suffocated. But we are the type of people to want to resolve things instead of getting mad or “getting back” at eachother. So I was patient, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt at least 80% of the time. But then we started having double standard issues.

He would hang out with his friends or family and not call me for two days. Or he would go get his hair cut and wear a nice outfit on a regular tuesday. All these things, were things that honestly did not bother me. I love when he dresses nice, I want him to socialize and what not. But it seemed like he was taking advantage of it. He understood where the double standard stood but he was too stubborn to try and fix it. I remember our first arguement was when I had to take a business trip to florida for 2 weeks. He complained about how much he missed me the entire time. When I got back I called him to let him know I had landed safely and he did not pick up. I tried again later that night, still no answer. So I left him a voicemail telling him goodnight and that I love him. The next day, no calls, no texts. The day after that he calls and was talking to me like everything was fine. I was surprised because he’s such an anal person, he usually calls my phone billions of times a day when I go on trips. But I didn’t think anything of it. The day after that, no word from him again. So now I’m thinking there’s something wrong, because he hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back, which is very rare for him to do. Then a few more days pass by, I get one call in 3 days. On the fourth day he says we need to talk. So we meet up at the park and he says he’s feeling suffocated..surprise surprise right. He said sometimes he doesn’t want to be on the phone with me all day because he wants time to hang out with his brothers and his friends. He said he doesn’t want to sit on the phone for hours after he has already seen me. And my reply was “But I’m doing all of this because you want that. You’re the one who calls me the most and you complain if I want to get off the phone or have to. You tell me to call you every time I make a move. All of this I do for you.” And somehow we began to argue, it was a really stupid arguement but we got over it, we ended up just talking it out. A couple of days passed and I call him just to say hi on my lunch break at work, we talked for a few minutes then I asked so what are your plans for the rest of the day and he said he was leaving to california. I was kinda shocked, he was just ready to take his little vacation and he had known about it for a week and didn’t say anything to me. I was not happy with the way he had been acting at all so I confronted him. And his excuse was, he thought I’d be upset if he told me earlier so he decided to put it off til the day of. So by this time I’m feeling really, really annoyed with him and I’m not sure why. But I began to raise my voice, I was really frustrated with him. I was bringing up all sorts of things, I mentioned how he still hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back from florida, how he would have chewed me up and spit me back out for making plans to go to cali without telling him, etc. And again, we argued, talked it out and went about our business.

Little things like that kept happening here and there. Then I met this guy in college, he was very very nice and his personality just attracted me to him very very much. He was everything I was attracted to, very tall, well dressed, handsome face, and nicely built. I had a little crush on him and it wasn’t for a long time until I realized that everytime I was around him I completely forgot about my boyfriend. We ended up hanging out on a regular basis. But nothing more than friends at that time. He would take me out for breakfast after our first class, then sometimes would stay after his last class waiting for me to get out of mine just so he could talk to me before we both left the campus. I was slowly drifting away from my boyfriend without really realizing it. Then one day the guy from school was walking me to my class one afternoon after we had got back from a little cafe across the street. He asked if he could get a kiss on his cheek and I thought it was the cutest thing ever. And i don’t know what made me do it but I did, I went to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head and kissed me on the lips, then just walked away. I was still standing there in shock for a few seconds. And the whole time in class all I kept thinking about was him, I didn’t even once think of the bigger issue, the fact that I had a boyfriend who I am supposingly in love with but I just let another guy who I have the biggest puppy crush on, kiss me. So to make an extremely long story, a bit shorter.. I spent the night at his house one night and did something I really probably shouldn’t have. I broke all my rules with this guy. My boyfriend of 4 years had been my first and only everything and vice versa. We took eachother’s virginity and he was my first boyfriend and my first kiss. I had made a promise to myself and God that I would give my body to only one man for the rest of my life, since I had started having sex before marriage. But obviously that promise wasn’t strong enough because I had sex with the guy from college that night. But still I wasn’t thinking of the fact that I was now cheating on my boyfriend and breaking my promise to God.

That same night we had decided to start a relationship between us. And a few weeks later he told me he loved me. And I was very very cautious and skeptical at first. But I started believing it little by little, just because of his actions. He would still tell me “i love you” even though I never said it back. He didn’t stop being a gentlemen or doing the nice and thoughtful things he did even before we began dating. He was very attentive and was always trying to find ways and things to please me. And one day it just hit me that I was in love with him and not my boyfriend. But I just couldn’t let go of my boyfriend, I don’t understand why. I know I was still with him out of comfort but at the same time I was falling in love with another guy, so why was I still comfortable with him and not the college guy. So I held onto my first boyfriend and as bad as it sounds I wasn’t feeling guilty. I hate to say it but it is the truth and I can not deny it. Things were going great with this college guy. He wanted me to look my best, he wanted me to socialize with friends and was not hesistent to bring me around his guy friends. He wanted me to meet his mother and his mother instantly took a liking to me. He wanted me to attend all the family gatherings and would introduce me proudly.

There are some things about him though that are a little less than nice. He is also 20 years old, but he has a 3 year old son. He smokes weed on a weekly basis, he loves to watch porn and still keeps condoms in his car & on his nightstand even though he knows I am allergic to the lubricant in condoms. One night he left me all dressed up waiting for him to come pick me up for a dinner date. And when I asked what had happened he said he got caught up at the studio (he is a musician). But two days later I was at his house and we were taking a nap, I woke up to turn the TV off and accidently knocked our cellphones off his nightstand. So as I went to pick them up I noticed ticket stubs for the movies under his wallet, I picked one up and it said 9:10pm and the exact date of the day he stood me up. So I got curious but for some reason didn’t even confront him about it. The next week I left for a trip to florida to visit family. He was very sweet about it and told me he would call me every day. He told me to enjoy myself and behave. He gave me a very expensive bracelet and told me to wear it proudly and think of him everytime I put it on.

When I came back things were still good. Then I began to argue again with my first boyfriend. We would stop talking for weeks at a time, then get back on the phone very cold and distant. We both noticed the change, but I was still not letting him go. We had not seen eachother for about 3 months by then. This pattern continued over the next months and my birthday came around, which was the 25th of june, not too long ago. My other boyfriend wanted to spend that day with me so he tried to book a hotel for us, but he had lost his job due to a trip he had to make to california to see his son, but the company he was with told him he did not have any vacation time and that they would just have to lay him off since he was only working there for about 2 months. So he did not have a steady income and was doing little work here and there like construction and performing at night clubs. But most of his money he had to send to his son, which is totally understandable and I even encouraged it. So I decided I would book the hotel since he had already done a lot for me previous to being laid off. I booked the hotel, I bought the candles, the bubble bath, the flower petals and the whole nine. The night did not go as romantic as I had planned for it to go. He brought his ps3, his cds and his weed. I was kind of disappointed I’m not gonna lie. But the way he was looking at me and touching me, I was just melting and ignoring everything else. He asked if it was okay to smoke in front of me and I really don’t know why I said yes because I hated the fact that he smoked and certainly did not want to see him doing it. So he began preparing his stuff to smoke and asked me if I would do it with him just one time. And I said no, then he started to beg and mentioned how he drank alcohol with me at one of my family’s parties even though he didn’t drink. So I figured if he did that for me I could do this just once. And I did, and the feeling was not too pleasant. I was enjoying the mood with him but I didn’t like the effect the drug had on me. That night had its ups & downs. And he ended up falling asleep on me earlier than I had planned, which kind of ruined the rest of the night because I was wide awake and had planned all these things I wanted to do with him. We didn’t light any of the candles, the flower petals remained in their box, the sex oils were not used, the bubble bath and huge jacuzzi in the middle of our room went untouched. So there I was, high as a kite, bored, upset, hungry and irritated. Then he woke up around 3am and ordered room service, which kind of made things a little better because he knew how to order my food since I am a picky eater. He asked for a special dessert to my liking, he asked for flowers and for a small cake to be brought to our room that said happy birthday on it. And it was that kind of thing that had me back and forth with him. Because he would do something I didn’t like or something questionable but then it was like he balanced it out and did something thoughtful right behind it, so there was no room for confrontation or a window left open to argue.

A few days later my first boyfriend called and said he was sorry for not being able to spend my birthday with me because he works at a car dealership and is a salesmen and a supervisor and is always working, sometimes from bell to bell. He said he would like a chance to make it up and that he had a special gift for me. So he came to pick me up that night and he had a fish tank in the back of his car and when I looked in it, it had two baby turtles. That is one of my favorite animals and had always wanted little ones as a pet. My heart started beating faster and all of a sudden I stopped thinking of my other boyfriend. I couldn’t believe he remembered and that he would spend so much money getting it for me. He was not the gift giving type. I took the turtles inside my house and got back in his car, he took me to an old church parking lot and told me to get in the drivers seat. I didn’t know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me and my mom was always promising to teach me but never followed through. He knew that was something I would really, really appreciate. So he taught me how to drive that night. He even let me drive all the way back to my house. Then he gave me a calendar for 2009-2010. And each month had a big picture of us back in High School. And The month of our anniversary had a picture of us standing together in the spot where we had our first kiss. I was speechless, I knew he took his time planning this and put all his money into it.

So now I am trying to re evaluate things with both of them, because I realize my errors and I know I can not take them back or fix them. But I can start doing the right thing, I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I feel strongly for them both. And I keep making the same lists of pros & cons for both. The college boyfriend has the personality, the lifestyle and the looks. My high school boyfriend has the morals, the respect, the goals and the loyalty. I’m torn between the two. When I think of my college boyfriend I think of how much fun we have together. How he makes me feel and how good of a person he is. How sweet he can be and how independent he is. How his mother tells me the significant change she has seen in him ever since we got together and how he’s is a much better person when I’m around. How he holds my hand and always wants to bring me around family and wants to always be around mine. He tells me how I’m the only person he doesn’t get tired of being around, that even his mother and closest friends annoy him after a while. He always wants to see me and is hard on himself when he can’t take me out to places or buy me things. He talks about us moving in together and how he’s never felt the way he feels for me for any other girl. But I also think of him smoking, and watching all this porn, and the condoms, his obsession with girls, his son, his goal to be rich and famous, his lack of nuturing sometimes and his attitude. He is kind of mean and when we play fight he leaves marks and bruises. One minute he’s saying I love you and holding me, then the next he’s avoiding asking me to come see him perform or texting me all day for 2 days straight instead of calling. He asks me to buy him things and says a lot of cocky things that are almost hurtful sometimes. He will play around with things but in a mean way. Like he will tell me to get a job, even though he’s jobless as well and knows how hard I am trying to find employment. He will say things like “do this or do that, stop doing this or stop doing that if not ill break up with you”. He will slap my butt with all his force when we play fight when I ask him not to, then apologizes and kisses it when he sees the welts. With him it’s like a rollercoaster, we’re always down to make up. He has even admitted to not knowing his own strength sometimes. He is 6′4 and 240lbs. I am 5′2 and 130lbs, an odd match right?

And with the high school boyfriend, I think of how long we’ve been together. How much we’ve been thru together. We have seen eachother in our worst times and have been there cheering eachother on in our glory. I think of how he has never disrespected me or ever played around like my other boyfriend does. How he doesn’t want me attracting the wrong attention for my own safety, not out of jealousy. How he doesn’t want me around the wrong crowd for the same reason. How he always puts my feelings first and will sacrifice everything he has for me. He will take the bus from one city to another just to see me for 5 minutes, which he has done before back in High School when he wasn’t driving. I think of him being my first and vice versa. I think of having a future with him and knowing he would be a great husband and father. Then I also think of the double standards. How he won’t change it no matter how many times we argue. How he will fist fight with another man for just looking at me funny. How he doesn’t want to bring me around his cousins or brothers in california. How he wants me to stay at home all day unless im with him. How he won’t allow me to interact online with friends. How he doesn’t even want me to wear a sundress to school. How he doesn’t want me doing my hair all the time because I attract attention. How he has admitted to not wanting me to stay in shape because he thinks if I gain a little weight less people will find me attractive. How he doesn’t like going out with me on dates. He doesn’t like to go to parties or clubs or even the movies because he doesn’t want me getting dressed up. How on several occasions he made me put on his big hoodie if we were around his friends so they wouldn’t notice my chest so much. How he doesn’t want me to greet his guy friends with hugs, but will greet another girl with a hug sometimes. How he gets upset if I buy tight jeans or heels and always says “its not like im gonna let you wear it anyway, so why bother buying it”. How I really am not attracted to him physically, more mentally than anything. And how we stopped really getting along like boyfriend and girlfriend slowly after our 3rd year together. It felt like a best friend, who you will argue with from time to time, but have so much history and his always be there for eachother and be a part of eachother’s lives.

I’m scared to continue letting my gaurd down with the college guy because of how fast things are going. We will have been together for just one year in october. I can’t really tell what our future holds as a couple. I truely love him and would love to grow together, I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them. I see all the good in him and see his potential. I’m just scared and sometimes I really don’t know why.

And with my first boyfriend I just don’t know how to let go. I want him to be a part of my life but not relationship wise. I think of what if I stay with him forever. I think I would just be complacent, but not fully happy. I would appreciate him and value him but I would be sticking around out of fear to venture, out of guilt and out of not giving myself enough credit to find someone perfect for me. It is just very difficult to throw away the years and the memories over confusion. I don’t want to make anymore mistakes and I want a chance to redeem myself with God because I know I have been doing wrong without even caring. And I am open to the criticism and to be called out on my faults because I know I need to hear it and I need to fix my personal problems before I can fix others.

Dear Torn:

Sounds to me like you are doing a lot of soul searching actually. People change and grow going from a teenager to a young adult. They change all the time, but this transition seems to have to most affect on a person’s attitudes on life and love.

Before I go any further, my honest advice would be to stop with the both of them all together, take some time out for yourself and try to figure out what it is you really want (and not from them) in your life, what your goals are, and what you think you deserve. These are things that you should be thinking about before entering into another (or current) long term relationship, or you are not being fair to yourself or to the other participant.

I would like to encourage you to reread this letter that you wrote, but skip to the last four paragraphs. I want you to read them, your pro and con list, and tell me (or better yet, yourself) why you are with either of these guys. Read the paragraphs two or three times if needed. You are making a pro and con list of the two guys… well what about the pros and cons themselves, and how they affect YOU.

As for the weighing options… well, there really isn’t much to weigh. You have out grown your first boyfriend and his choices. You want to remain friends, but don’t know what to do or say to ensure you don’t lose him. Here’s the thing – that’s not up to you. You should break it off with him (because you know it’s the right thing to do) by telling him that you two have grown apart, but you still love and cherish your friendship. You can tell him that you would hate to be on the outs with him and would like to remain friends, and see where it goes. Honestly, if you have the time for the other guy… I suspect he has another girl and is doing the same thing as you. Regardless, once you break it off and extend the branch, it’s up to him on whether he wants it or not. I would not bring up that you have been messing about with some other bloke for the past year, etc. That would just hurt him, to clear your conscious. Which isn’t fair.

With the second guy… it sounds as though you are being played big time. The guy is used to getting out of “girl jams” by being kind and cute. But laying condoms out and about when you aren’t using them… don’t you think he might be using them with someone else? Does he know about your boyfriend, and is he okay with it? And the “slight playing” where he leaves welts is totally not cool. Nor is it cool that he puts you down, in the manor of a joke (like the unemployment thing) and you aren’t seeing it because it isn’t blatant. Okay, you said something that I really really really want you to understand. You said : “I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them”. I really want to point this out to you, because it is a flaw a lot of people make through their entire life. I am telling you, with absolute certainty, that this is wrong. Only the person who wants to change, will change. And they will do it his/her self, for themselves. A person cannot (and will not) change just for another person without regret, judgement and feeling resentful. If you think you can change a person, I am sorry but you are going to get hurt.

Right now you are basing you attraction to boy #2 on sexual desire for a physic, and that can be dangerous. You are overlooking all the things that make you not like him at all, in favour for the things you *do* like, that you didn’t get with boy #1.

The point of being with a partner is not to change them. It is to understand and love them because of their similarities, AND their differences to you. The things that last for couples tend to be on a totally moral and value scale, not on looks. And being in your twenties is a time of discovery and helps to form and solidify your beliefs and values. I am not going to go into the whole god aspect, because I think you should figure all that stuff for yourself. But you don’t have to be constantly worried about being sent to hell, because you are trying to figure things out. If you want to do well by your god, and his word… then do so. Make it a point to be honest, starting with yourself. Make it a point to let go, and to be fair. Doing these things takes courage, and it will create unfamiliar territory (being single) but in the long run YOU will benefit from learning about yourself, and what you need from life.

I hope you find the clarity you require to find yourself through all of this.

~Xmichra

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Lipstick Notch

Dear Aunt B,

hi my name is Ashley. i have been with my husband for nine years. lately he has shown a great interest in pornography featuring black girls with big butts. he also dated women fitting that description while we were separated. i am the complete opposite of that. i am a white petite female. our sex life has diminished. he isnt showing much interest in me. i don’t know what to do or what to think. most guys go gaga over me i don’t understand why my husband does not anymore.

Dear Ashley,

Unfortunately, this is happening all across America. Due to the prevalence and easier access to Porn via the Internet, I personally believe that our men may be falling into the trap of “Desensitization.”

I really feel for you and realize just how important it is for us to be the object of our mans desires. It hurts deeply when we find out that we may not be all that in his eyes. But if every woman in America, especially the wives could actually read our husbands minds, well suffice it to say, we’d be scarred for life, appalled as well as grief stricken.

Men are hard wired differently than we are and are actually in a constant state of warfare as to putting off their desires, not acting upon them and keeping themselves in check. Even the greatest of men have fallen especially when they have some little floozy throwing her junk in his face on the daily. It happens at work, it happens at the bars, it happens when we, as well as they, least expect it.

There’s nothing funny about it but it’s hard not to laugh when you realize that if you ask the average man about his will to sustain, you know to not fool around on his wife or girlfriend, he’ll often feel that he deserves Kudos for his good behavior. I mean after all, he fights it off every day and in a funny sort of way, he does deserve a cookie.

Yes, these days our morals are going to hell in a hand basket and there are girls, not women out there that’d just love to bed Your man down. They see the wedding ring and observe it as a challenge. Just for shits-n-giggles they’ll want your husband as another Lipstick Notch on their bed post.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, for starters you must be aware of his needs, not in a subservient way but in an understanding of how he’s wired with a mutual willingness to please. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts you want to keep his attention as well as keep him shopping at “your store.”

You’ll want to jazz it up, for one thing. It’s like this; Marriage and when I speak of marriage I do firmly believe that if you are living together as well as sleeping together in the “Marriage Bed” you are simply lacking a piece of paper that validates it in the eyes of the Law. That simplified, the marriage bed is a partnership, a two to Tango situation and a thing to be cherished and more importantly worked at. It must be cultivated and nurtured if we want it to grow. It must be seen in all seriousness and never taken for granted, our first and foremost downfall.

Flip The Script

My suggestion to you is one where you need to step up to the plate and bat. You need to take charge and begin to fight for your man. This is not “I am woman hear me Roar” speech but I do want you to begin to be less a victim. Begin with a more blitzkrieg approach;

You must state your needs, asserting your likes and dislikes, what you will as well as will not stand for. For starters, you’ll have to put the shoe on the other foot…

He will look funny in your high heels, hahaha, but you’ll have to put things in terms he’ll understand. For one thing, you should ask him if he would be bothered if you were watching other men, porn to be exact? Give him the scenario that how would he feel if he came home, looked at the History on your computer and saw that you were watching men with huge cocks? Yea, I said it! Many men, even if they are well endowed are intimidated by other men and their package if it’s bigger than theirs. Ask him how he would feel if he saw that every few days you were watching this sort of thing and not just for a few minutes but for long periods of time. Would it not bother him? Would it not make him feel inadequate? Would he possibly wonder that there’s a chance that you were not satisfied with his manhood?

If he says that all that does not bother him, I’ll call him a damn liar!!! The point is that that exact scenario is how you feel when he looks at the sort of things he’s been looking at. You are not black nor do you have a big booty so how could you ever measure up to his specifications?

All this Porn watching does not mean that he does not love you. What it does mean though, carries the implication that he does, possibly take you for granted and is not doing his part in the cultivation of your marriage? At the same time as I stated before, you’ve got to work at tripping his trigger. This may be a stinging indictment for both of you?

My Advice would be to sit down and get it all out lest you explode with resentment. Furthermore, I also suggest that you engage him in the understanding, a meeting of the minds that his behavior is hurtful and makes you feel like shit, less than and not capable to measure up.

The Solution

It would be rather kind of him to agree to limit his “Porn Time” just for starters. You’ll never get anywhere if you demand it and he’ll just begin to get sneaky about it. Putting that shoe on his foot, as I stated may make him understand that it is extremely hurtful to you as well as desensitizing to him. He may not realize it but men who watch really XXX porn, you know the down and dirty stuff have a harder time getting aroused unless they are, themselves engaged in dirty dirty stuff.

So, he’d be doing himself and of course you a favor if he saved himself for you, watched less porn and masturbated less. Yes, normally the two go hand in hand, no pun intended!

Working on your marriage bed action has got to be Priority One. I also suggest that you invest in a vibrator and use it with him in your foreplay. If you need to know why I suggest this, I welcome you or anyone else to write me and I’ll be more than happy to communicate why I feel this is important.

Don’t be shy!!!You’d be surprised!!!

Email Babz

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Suggested Reading;

Sexual Healing

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Envision Every Answer

Dear Aunt B,

This might not seem like a big deal to other people, but it’s taking over my mind.

I am sixteen years old, I am a sophomore. I used to date this guy, we were never boyfriend and girlfriend but we were defiantly dating. He is a senior, he’s 2nd in his class president of national honors society and school president. He got into Georgetown, but then decided to go to UNC on a full ride. Which is about an hour from where we live. He broke it off with me after about a month, because he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend at the time. There has been no other girls since me for him. This was from the beginning of January to the end of January. I had other casual relationships, but nothing serious at all. I was over him. I really was, like completely. but always kinda in the back of my mind still liked him, but nothing serious. Lately, I’ve liked him so much. I saw him in the halls and we say hi and stuff. On the last day of school for him [since he's a senior he got to leave before me]. I left him a note and stuck it through his sun roof saying, I know he’ll do amazing things in life and thank you for everything. [Ive told him things ive never told anyone because i felt comfortable with him] he responded with a text right when he got the note that said “Thanks so much for the note! It means a lot. I seriously meant everything i wrote in that long facebook message. Bye Isabella.. the message basically said that he will always be here for me no matter what. and he thinks im a great person. then i told him, not to say goodbye, but say see you later, because you never know when our paths will cross again. Ever since that, i cant stop thinking about him. It’s so horrible. I want to tell him SO BAD how i feel, but i feel like it’s too late since he’s going to college soon and traveling the world all summer. But i cant stop thinking about telling him, and when i’m about to text him or facebook message him i stop. I went to his graduation two nights ago and he did a speech, and it made me want to tell him even more. this is driving me CRAZY. i cant believe i’m even doing this advice thing because usually i’m a very independent person.

our recent facebook wall conversation: read bottom to top.

Isabella Murray:Yes i was. i saw you. but so did everyone else..hahah.
very good job on your speech, i’m impressed.
actually not really cause i knew it’d be that good.
Yesterday 12:56pm

Joel:were u at the graduation?
Yesterday at 12:44pm

Isabella Murray: It’s all good. I’m glad you’ll get to do your speech tonight; I can’t wait to hear it.
Good luck, even though I know you’ll do muy bien.
Fri 1:25pm

Joel: haha yeah im sry about that quick little “hi.” i was kinda disturbed at the time and i wasn’t thinking straight
Fri 12:40am

Isabella Murray: told you i’d see you again.
Thu 7:47pm

Please dont sugar coat anything, i just need real advice! thanks so much!

Dear Reader,

Normally I would be telling you to move forward, because really there isn’t much you can do. EXCEPT, there is one more thing you can do! You can flat out tell him how you feel. If he states the same, great! And if he tells you he’s just not *there*, well you are in no worse shape than you are now are you??

You need to figure out if this is one of those moments in time where you will look back and regret never have telling him your true feelings. Your life from this point on, I am sure will be great regardless of what you choose, but you do not want to be a few days, weeks, months, years down the road and regretting this decision.

There is a famous saying: better to regret something you’ve done, than something you haven’t.

Personally I find this to be true when dealing with matters of the heart.

Wishing you courage & blessings.

X~Xmichra

Dear Reader,

G-Friend, I feel you should live like there’s no tomorrow. Always…

The one thing I’d like you to carry with you all your life is very easy and simple. It’ll apply to almost every scenario and situation from landing that new job to saying good-bye to a loved one in death;

“Say what needs to be said. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Do your damnedest not too say it too mean”

Aunt B

The crux of the matter is to envision every answer to every question. In example; Let’s say you are timid or fearful of asking a guy out. I mean it might take a little chutzpah to wear your heart on your sleeve, at times, right? But in the continuum of living empowered and moving forward, I guaran damn tee you’ll get more out of life if you just ask your question. The point is, like I was saying, is to anticipate any and all answers you may get to any specific question. Now, don’t over analyze things (as I tend to do it’ll drive you crazy, just like me) but as I mentioned, let’s say you want to ask a certain fella out. The multiple choice answers you might get are;

Yea, sure I’d love to
No thanks I’m seeing someone
Give me your number and I’ll call you
Bitch, ya must’ve fallen and bumped your head
Not if you were the last imbecile on earth

Yes, a few are a bit extreme, lol but you get the picture, right? OK, so you think of the worst possible outcome to your question/rejection with an anticipatory stance, realizing that no matter what the outcome, no matter what the answer is, even at it’s worst, you can live with it. And you hope for the best.

I hope you will write me and tell me that you ingested this and it is working for you. Rejection is never easy, of this I know. But when you come to grips with who and what you are and represent, accept who you are with the knowledge that not everyone will like you, Que Sera Sera, your life will begin. Having said this, the secret is that if they turn you down…it was never meant to be!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Fighting Fire with Fire; SPIN

You may just call me crazy by the end of this post…

Dear Aunt Babs,

I have lived in a new subdivision for about 6 years with my husband and three young children. After the first year a 20’s something women moved in next door with her husband and child. On our first introduction she wanted to know every detail of my home (example: square footage of rooms, window count, blah, blah). She made me feel very uneasy so I kept my distance from her, but I would still stay polite and engage in greetings and very small talk.

As we would make improvements to our home like landscaping, painting or basically anything visible. She would always inquire what was going on. I would always say something like oh my husband just likes to stay busy and he’s just puttsing around. She would then go to my husband and ask him. I would tell him not to say too much to her because I had a bad feeling about her. But I guess his forty year old dumb ass just loved the attention she gave him. Soon after he would tell her what his plan was for our house, we would get letters from our assoctiation, town hall, and later the police.

She was psycho. But he didnt believe me. He told me I was jealous of her and that she likes him and not me.

Well as time went on it all escalated this is what she did to us:

She poisoned our vegetable garden every year (until she moved)
Screamed at my then 3 year old –It gave him nighmares for years to follow.
Repeatedly called and made false police reports against me.
Her and her friends made jokes about me being fat and old in front of my daughter.(She actually thought I was in my 30’s and I’m only about 20 lbs overweight,she copied my hair, clothes,car.)
She would complain to my husband about how horrible I was when he was at work he just listened, never defended me -I overheard it happening once.
She would call town hall, the association for countless issues, and the police just to screw with us.
Throw dog and cat crap in my yard.
Put nails in our driveway (her husband was a carpenter.)
Got other neighbors that were even worse than her to screw with us while she lived there and after she moved away.

Well one day, when I was collecting baby stuff to donate. I was checking a baby monitor to see if it still was good.–Guess who’s house had one?The B—-dog’s, (that is my pet name for her). Wow a gift from God. I soon found out what true evil was. Yes –I did listen. She was obsessed with us. I heard her planning to poison our garden (I taped it), heard her calling police, town and association on us; Telling everyone how much she hated me and that I am making her life miserable.

I never did anything to her. But when I heard her plans she was making to mess with us with her other evil friend and neighbor, I was able to counter them each and every time. It was sooo bad. I just hated the bad feeling of listening but I did protect my family and property. And I felt it was just such a time waster too, listening to her. I heard her beating up her husband, kids and just being very viscious and nasty to service workers, customer service people. B-dog feels she is entitled to everything.

My big opener was when she was bragging to her friend on how she is going to sue me for harrassment and sue my husband for messing up her yard from his landscaping work. She said she was building a case against us. About the landscaping, she tried so hard to get her husband to copy everything we did–I first though of it as “keeping up with the Jones” –but her husband messed up everything on his own under her direction.

That is when we got security cameras and put them on our garden and yard area. We prevented alot of damage to our property. We almost got her on camera poisoning our garden -But her friend noticed the cameras the day of the poisoning and she called the pd and tried to make us remove them. I told the pd the story they did nothing and I also mentioned the audio, the cop said he did not want to hear about it.

Well after a while the Bdog moved and her scumbag friends that live behind us picked where she left off and well it only got worse. But that is another story in itself.

Well a couple of weeks ago, my other next door neighbor had a party for his daughter. Guess who was there?The B-dog. The neighbor is about 44yrs old, newly divorced, he has a good job, 18 yr daughter, 24 yrs old- drug/addict/on parole son, beautiful house and plenty of cash.She is his new Girlfriend. OMG. She is on the other side of me now. He was my best neighbor.He knew that she was awful to us and wost of all she is married with two sons about 3 and 5ish.

Well, when I first saw her my chest got tight and I was surprised, but I remained cool and just kept laughing. I did not interupt the party But we did leave early.

My husband wants to “bust” her and tell her husband what a slut she is and provide him with pictures that he has taken. I would like to do the same but… I have second thoughts. I think the husband would just tell her the info and she would retaliate My nieghbor guy would hate us. She might get kicked out and move in with him sooner that planned. I think she is screwing this guy for extra money and nice things. I also believe that her husband is not cutting it and not working enough to pay bills and mortgage. I think she is looking to upgrade husbands so she can maintain her status.

My question is should we get our revenge on her as mentioned? Or should we just sit back and watch her move in next door. We cannot afford to sell our house to move at this time due to the economy and my husband just got back to work two months ago.

Or if you have any other suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I just want the b-dog and the anxiety to go away. I hate the feeling of her threatening my kids and me. I do not want to be her victim. But everytime I was passive with her, She always always turned it up a notch. I am 47 yrs old and I’m afraid she will get physical with me .-I have seen her wrestle other women before. Like her girlfriend that lives behind, us they always wrestle and makeout.I guess thats what they do nowadays.

Thank You for your time.
The BlondeMom

If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang.

~Charley Reese

Dearest BlondeMom,

Wow, you’ve got your hands full. What a stinkin’ wanna be Bitch, huh? I really really can’t stand a no count girl like that. She’s not a woman so I don’t even give her that. One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?

It’s obvious that the police don’t seem to want to be bothered with what they might term as “Domestic Squabbling.” Or Or Or she’s blowing the Force and feeding them creme filled donuts made personally by hers truly. {Note to self; Be nice}

Well BlondeMom, I’m old school. I’m Fighting Irish and have been fighting the good fight all my life…well short of those bad girl years I had(but we won’t dwell on that, eh?). Suffice it to say, she’s a bully, loud and clear. And the thing they’ve proven about bullies is that they almost always have self-esteem issues thus they use fear to garner respect.

Fighting Fire with Fire

Sometimes ya just gotta get Medieval on their asses and show them how to play the game. Now, Buck the F**k up. This ain’t no Pep Talk but simply how you need to begin to see things. Hopefully, your eyes will become wide open. Yes, I want you to begin to see her for what she really is;

“A No Count Piece of Shit Wanna Be Woman”
(But she’s really just a lil’ girl in big clothes)

Sure she’s a tough one but DO NOT be afraid of her in any way, shape or form. This is what she wants and…she can smell the fear. Let me repeat myself and I quote,

“One thing I will say I believe; She’s so jealous of you she’s livid. I mean really why else would she bother with you?”

I say this with all the certainty in my being. She wants what you have and knows she’ll never have it. So, she plays her dirty little games doing her damnedest to best you. You’ll have to have a strategy to show her really how the game is played. It does not entail being vindictive or getting even. Nope, it’s called;
“Being & Becoming a Righteous Woman,” which by the way, she’ll never be and can not copy.

You will rise above this, all of it. You will no longer be a victim nor will you be passive. You should take comfort and gain strength just knowing that you have what she wishes she could. But we need not concentrate on this. What you need to do is begin to play the Game…

I would start by spinning a web, spreading a little gossip to someone you know it’ll find it’s way back to her. I’m quite sure she has a double agent, you know someone who pretends to be your friend yet goes back and tells her everything.

Spin: I would tell this person that you have a friend of the family, a not so nice guy that has seen all the evidence and is working on this. Now, make sure you ask this person not to tell anybody. (Of course, they’ll run right back and spill their guts, hopefully).

Spin: You tell them that this not so nice friend of the family is a Private Detective and he’s working on the case. You say he’s compiling pictures, etc. to use against her. You make sure you mention that he has friends in “High Places” and he plays on both sides of the Law. You give them a few tidbits, morsels to mull over, i.e., that this guy once planted drugs on a guy that had caused a bunch of trouble.

Spin: Then tell them that the guy and his wife went to jail for it. Giggle and say that the Private Dicks client was more than pleased as the pair went away for a few years.

Spin: Then you mention on the D.L. (down low, just in case, lol)that this P.I. is cooking up something real good to handle this all and won’t even tell you what it is that way you are not nor will you ever be implicated.

This may make her a bit paranoid enough to leave you alone and to mind her own P’s & Q’s…

Now, in the event that all this is not possible (I believe it’ll work if you set it into action and think about it carefully) I want you to begin a program of assertive posturing. I no longer want you to be a victim in this. I no longer want you to be passive either. You’ll put on your “Bitch Belt™” and rise above.

See, I’m a firm believer in a few things, namely body language, innuendo and how one carries themselves. Now, I’m not talking about acting superior or egotistical but you are so far above her it is almost debilitating to her. This is why she targets you. It’s actually become an obsession for her.

From this point on, I’d like you to be aware of your posture. If you happen to see her, do not look into the face of fear but put that fear in it’s place. I mean, for real, she has no power over you unless you let her. Take it back!!!

No, you’ll face this fear, if you happen to run across her and you’ll not look away. In fact, you’ll look her straight in the face, with a twinkle in your eye as if you have some dirty little secret and you are holding in the laughter. It’s excruciatingly funny and it’s all you can do to contain it.

She’s nothing but a redneck bully, a covetous whore. See her for what she really is and no longer allow her to intimidate you in any way.

My Advice would be to first pray for wisdom, strength and guidance. This should always be your first and foremost direction. And if the afore mentioned SPIN does not work, write me again and I’ll tell you all about our Plan B…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

P.S. May my good friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ be with you!!

“When you’re a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you. Jealousy is the result of one’s lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance. The Lesson: If you can’t accept yourself, then certainly no one else will.”

Sasha Azevedo quotes (American Actress, Athlete and Model)

Romans 12:19
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

This Quest

Dear Aunt B,

I am having an ongoing argument with my live in BF of 4 years over the same subject..vacations. Ridiculous isn’t it? here’s the situation;

My view, age 45:I have been waiting for ten years to finally be-able to afford a vacation. If I don’t get one this year i am going to lose it! in the last 3 years I have lost a baby, the love of my life during a 1 year separation (current BF), I have seen death’s door in a submersion of depression and work like a horse…I mean i cut all the wood for the winter tend a huge veggie farm and do much of the bull work. I have lost faith in God from all of the losses and need to get out to the mountains to rejuvenate to fill up my heart and soul and find my inner self again. i have lost me.

MY BF knows this and has taken an invitation from his brother and friend to go to Colorado for a 2 week mountain climbing trip (My dream vacation). i am told i am not allowed to come as it is a guys only trip and the other guys don’t want me along. Since he can only afford one vacation, he has chosen to go with the guys and leave me to not have a much needed vacation at all or find a stranger or go myself. None of those choices are my idea of a happy vacation. I feel that we are partners and that i am the woman standing next to him daily through all the blood sweat and tears and deserve this much awaited award…something to look forward to. Insists i am only thinking of myself and being selfish for wanting him to go with me instead of his buddies.

This is the 3rd time in 5 years he has gone on this trip. His brother offered to pay his way to go and that is why he says he is going and it’s “just a camping trip” in the meantime I try desperately to find a stranger to go with…i finally did and he then offered to meet with me out in Colorado (2,000 miles away) when he got off the mountain and would then go where i wanted to.

It’s 2 days before he is to leave before me and he tells me that he feels that he is forced to have offered his car for me to drive out there which is 25 years old as it is our only working vehicle and that he feels forced to have to spend money now because i insist i need a vacation too. DUH! Considering the consequences of his bitterness and resentment toward me using HIS car and having to spend his money to go with me and share experiences i decided not to go at all with those kind of strings attached. this is to be a purging spiritual experience for me not a endless fight dredging up how i used his car ETC.. he stormed out the door with bags in hand a night before he was supposed to leave telling me how unreasonable I am for expecting him to be happy about going with me too and expecting him to offer his car to me for OUR vacation. Now i am stuck at home with no where to go and no way to do it, and no one to go with…he stranded me here out in the country with no vehicle. I am wondering now if I should start packing his things while he is gone and find someone that does put me first in their life instead of his buddies who don’t do a single thing for his life on any given day. i had suggested to him that they make plans the next time somewhere closer to home if they wanted to see each other so bad so that i didn’t have to pay the price for it and be forced to step aside my well deserved vacation for him and his buddies. he tells me i am dictating how they should spend THEIR vacation and that I am a selfish tyrant insisting he compromise.

HIS perspective Age 46: He feels that since him and his brother and friends have been doing this for the last 20 years before he ever met me that he is justified in continuing to obligate their wishes anytime they want him to go and i dare not interfere with that. He also feels that he is not purposely hurting me or forcing me to have no options. Both his brother and friend are single for many years now. they all feel that they have not hurt me and that it is my own fault (screaming it at the top of his lungs)that I am not going on vacation anyways by myself with no one to share it with. i am stuck, stranded and have no where to go. He feels that my insisting that i as his partner be first priority at all times is unreasonable and calls me immature and an insecure child. What do you think? he needs to hear this from a third party. i know what I think…he’s the child and he needs to grow up and find another door mat that might accept that kind of bull.

thank you,
Wendy

Dear Wendy,

Dear, Dear Wendy!! GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP!!! Dude is 46 and is *not* going to change.

He is obviously never one to compromise, and is definitely acting like a child. Regardless of you *needing* the vacation (I’ll get back to THAT), he should at least be able to compromise enough for him to go away for his boys only trip (some guys do this, the trip itself isn’t a bad thing) and you on a trip that is equally special.

Now, this entire bullshit about him feeling pushed into stuff, that is what pisses me off. And I’m just reading it!! These are the things that to ME set aside the difference of a working partnership, to a live in friend with few benefits. A partner wouldn’t feel they were being pushed to lending a freaking car, so you can get some much needed relaxation!! Hell, a friend would do that!

You need a break and want to share it with your partner, that is NOT unreasonable. Given the amount of things you have gone through, I would expect my partner to be understanding and want to help the healing process.

Yes, the boys only trip is important, but you are not asking him to forfeit every year! Yes, i understand that he can only do one trip, but he has to think about what is imperative to the situation. What I mean is, if he (for example) started a new job yesterday, and it was a good job that would fulfill him through the rest of his life, and he couldn’t go on this trip without losing the job, would he still go?

A relationship is just like a job. You have to show up, you have to have interest, and you have to put in a little extra over time when the companies had a bad week/month/year. It’s the same thing. If you don’t commit to the job, you’re fired. It’s that simple. But for some, they can’t see that. And it is sad when a person cannot acknowledge their partners wish to heal as a healing cry.

It’s sad when a person see’s only what they stand to “lose” to make a relationship work. And it is even more sad when that loss is something material or something that can be postponed. It’s sad because it shows they are not willing to bend, and are too selfish to see it. Honestly Wendy, I would be packing more than a vacation trunk for this guy. Just sayin’.

Hope you GO on that trip & find your inner spark!

~Xmichra Dear Wendy,

By the way, did you know the history of your name? I found it interesting that your name, “Wendy” was never used or recorded but invented for the story of Peter Pan. Pretty cool, I think. Read this link, it refutes the rumor, possibly but it is interesting nonetheless!

Anyway, I have/had real mixed emotions reading your letter. I am able to see both points of view. You are both right and you are both wrong. It’s a bit unfortunate. I will put all of this into perspective and try to be as delicate with your feelings as I possibly can.

OK, now I’d like you to read things as I write them in their entirety. This situation is a bit cruel for both of you. None of this is fair but allow me to point out a few things;

Your BF has every right in the world to want to go on this all guys camping trip. In your own words you stated that he HAS in fact gone on this trip 3 times out of the last 5 years, right?It’s not like it’s a new gig and he just pulled it out of his ass, deciding to go simply to spite you. Do you agree about this?

As well, most guy trips are exactly that. I am referring to the typical members of the “He Man Women Haters Club.” I am joking but at the same time for you to take it personal that you are not nor would you ever be invited is simply something you’ll have to try to understand. It’s just the way the ball bounces.

It’s clearly a family thing, one which they’ve been doing for many years. You wrote, and I quote;

“…(My dream vacation). i am told i am not allowed to come as it is a guys only trip and the other guys don’t want me along.“

It seems to me that you’ve taken this whole thing quite personally and have a somewhat vindictive edge to your own thinking. This does not mean that I, in any way or fashion, discount your feelings on the matter. But we must establish what is fair and what is not.

It is not fair for you to interject yourself into this family/guy thing. At the same time, the mere fact that you’ve not had a vacation in so long, while he has brings around many emotion and questions.

So, it’s like this; You’ve sacrificed, you’ve toiled and worked hard. You’ve been on the brink of disastrous thinking, skirting the edges of depression but you’ve pushed on. You’ve been through your fair share of a whole plate of bullshit that life has thrown at you…and survived. Now, it’s time for you to be, for better words: self-serving, not selfish and to look out for numero uno.

You stated that you need, basically a Spiritual outing/vacation, a need to revamp of sorts. The defining question would be;

“Why would you want him on such a quest in the first place?”

I see far beyond this initial bullshit, far beyond this relationship. And in this situation, I will not encourage you to put his shit on the door step, to leave him as this is a test for both of you. It is a test of the wherewithal and you moving past, rising above and becoming who you can and will be.

I am not trying to speak in riddles, nor am I applying some bullshit strategy to the mix. But what I see and feel are that you must, you need to go on This Quest on your own. Somehow, someway make it happen.

You will no longer be a Martyr for the cause of you two and you will not be a victim. You will rise above. I have every bit of confidence in you as a woman, the kind of woman that I admire, the kind that shitz-n-getz, oh yea.

Need I remind you that you do not need a man to round out who you are!
My point to all this is first and foremost remember that you and this fella are not joined at the hip. In order for any and all relationships to work you must both be whole beings. Your quest must be to become whole again. Do this for you. I feel it may be the single most important thing you need, your agenda right now.

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

I do firmly believe that if you can move past the way you think about some things, it will be your greatest asset. You are such a strong woman of such conviction I can not fathom how you would allow this whole thing to usurp your design. You are above this and you just need a refresher course in empowerment and a fresh way of seeing the world.

Yes, you do need this vacation but for you and you only. It will round out who you are meant to be. Watch and see..

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

The Nitty Gritty

Dear Aunt B,

Hello.

My name is Andrew I am 43 and my biological father who abandoned our family when I was 6 years old has been told he has 2 to 6 months to live (he has cancer)….I haven’t seen or heard of him since I was 6 (and even then he was a violent alcoholic)….I am recently unemployed and have 15 days to accept a new job offer 2000 miles from where my father has chosen to pass away at….on one hand I feel a moral obligation towards him….but on the other hand he is a stranger to me…and I was given up for adoption as a child (because we were six kids in the family and my mother could not care for all of us)….I really need this job…this may sound callus but the reality is when he passes his worldly concerns are over but mine go on…I’m torn between morality and reality…what are your thoughts?

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

I will flat out tell you I am a little biased here because of a similar situation with my own bio-dad. So you can choose to ignore me because of that, or choose to listen a little more. Whichever the case is, I will still answer what I feel.

Go to your job.

It doesn’t sound callous, morally wrong, or even cruel. Your situation is that where you have a longing to have your father be your dad, and to be accepted, nurtured & loved the way a child (even us adult ones) should. You are looking at staying and helping him as a way to try and mend the past 43 years. I get that.

Here are a few things i want you to consider though:

You really need this job.

HE has chosen where he wants to live out his final days. He could move.

You need to survive.

The only reason for you to stay would be out of pure guilt. But you are a good person still if you choose to go, really. This decision isn’t the easiest for a heavy heart, but you need to realise that it doesn’t matter about biology, it matters if you are real family. And anyone real would encourage you to go and make yourself well.

In the end, you need to choose what you can live with once he’s gone. *sigh*, i get that too.

But for the record, i hope you take the job & let the dream of a father go. You deserve more.

Wishing you strength & wisdom,

~Xmichra

Dear Andrew,

I’m imagining from the date, the receipt of your letter that you may have had to make this decision on and of your own. For this, I do apologize. I’ve been away and all mail was stuck in my folders. Staff did not have access because of a glitch. Again, I apologize.

At the same time, I have faith that you’ve made the right choice and have done what needed to be done. My only hope is that you’ve made decisions, one that you can live with.

Life is certainly full of every day situations and decisions we must make, choices we often must or will answer to later in life. This, your situation is a bit unfortunate simply because there will come a time, one day in the future where you will question whatever decision you’ve made.

The crux of the matter is to live by the rule that you live and do things, make those choices that you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and really look at yourself and not past yourself. One day you will understand what I’m talking about.

In this situation, your circumstance, there is no comfortable answer. There is no magic choice and there’s certainly no plausible solution that will remain wearable. But life must go on and when it’s all said and done, you must live and live without regret the best way you know how.

The nitty gritty of all this is for you to be there as best you can, as best you know how for your Father but from a distance, whatever distance that is required for you to accomplish the necessary. Yes, it is unfortunate that the circumstances can’t be better but that, like many other things which I guarantee will come along, is just an example of making mature and rational decisions…sometimes no matter how painful they might be.

I encourage you to do what is best for you, for your future. I also encourage you to find some semblance of a forgiving heart, a balance of letting bygone’s be bygone’s. I know it may be easier said than done but do me a favor and at least put that pain on hold.

This may be a tall order, asking you to put aside bad memories and especially anger. But one thing I have learned in this life is that anger kills, it serves no one, certainly not you. Yes, you may feel you have a right to this anger but again, it will not serve you.

What will serve you is to be the bigger, the better person and allow the end to be something that you can live with. You will, I hope, write me later and tell me that I was right.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

My Hero; The Fruitcake Lady

Dear Readers,

This woman, Marie Rudisill (13 March 1911 – 3 November 2006)is my Hero and a complete and utter inspiration. As I grow older, I do so aspire to be just like her. Keep reading Ask Aunt B and ya never know, I just may grow up to be just like her. I do happen to believe if it’s at all possible, I just might have a sassy, edgier attitude. We shall see. Enjoy, comment and let me know what you think!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Re-Post; Riding That Vicious Cycle

Editor’s Note; From time to time, for any given reason, a past post may be brought to my attention. Therefore, when I might re-read one, one of this magnitude, I feel the need to share it again. I wish I could speak to this fella again, this man who took the time to write me with such caring and thoughtful deliberation. I can not, thus, I can only hope and pray he might be well.

This is sound advice for many men who, I believe, struggle with the same situations; Mid-Life Crunch…

Dear Aunt B,

Agony Aunt of Mines,

As all of your letters start I shall begin with the same:

The time you’ve took to read this letter I cannot give back to you, nor do

I have something of any interest to give in return, or anything I can do for a reply but say that a stranger is sitting on the other side of the world in a room by himself, at 01:30 in the morning writing a letter; looking for help.

I’ll begin back in Scotland just over three years ago after finishing

University I went through a stage of mild depression (self diagnosis).

since a young age I had worked towards my current status as a qualified

Kayaking instructor, qualified abseiling instructor, British European and

World champion bagpipe player, loads of friends, I was in great physical

shape as well. I even applied to get in to the Royal Air Force (RAF)…I

had it all going for me.

Then all of a sudden, something changed. First the bagpipes kinda lost

interest when I was teaching (I just put it down to, I’d conquered the

tournaments and the challenge had disappeared), I thought it was just

because I’d gotten so far and wasn’t going to get any better…so I quit.

Soon after gradually the kayaking and the outdoor side of me lost its

interest too. Over a period of a year my whole social outlook in life

faded. Mood swings and loss of a steady sleeping pattern became apparent

over time too.

I had nothing. No hobbies like I used to, to career aspect and the pilots

training I decided wasn’t for me, and soon enough I wasn’t quite the

muscular person I used to be… I was in a rut just like I am now. I even

got myself into a little debt trying out new things to put that spark

back into my life, with no avail. Time passed and somehow Kevin (who was

a distant friend at the time) invited me over to Denmark. 3 years later I’m

still trying to fill the gap that was my life before I lost interest in

everything. As it stands now; I’m (slightly) overweight, I have a shit

job. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over 4 years because I’m boring and I

know it. And I have 40,000 kroner debt. (4000GBP)

The saddest part to the whole thing, is if even if I fight all my short

term problems: get rid of the debt, get into good shape again, etc etc…

I have nothing to look forward to, nothing.

I want nothing, I have no interest in any job aspect, and I’ve even given

up on trying to find a girl/girlfriend. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in

a rut, a big deep rut.

So I ask of you, what’s the secret to putting the spark back into life when

You’ve tried everything you liked/wanted for and lost it all? When there’s

no light at the end of the tunnel and something inside you asks why isn’t

it there? Please help me.

My Dearest Reader,

Well Darlin’, you’ve captured my heart with the Bagpipes. I love them and for me, they hold a rich sense of history. My family is Irish/Scot and I am Indian. My heart is held by the sound of bagpipes.

From what I gather, you are an extremist. You are the kind of guy who lives on the edge, jumps out of airplanes, lives for the adrenaline. If you are not doing something extreme, you don’t feel alive. It sounds like you’ve maxed out though, huh?

My initial reaction is that you are battling depression. This coupled with your lack of sleep can cause a significant change in your complete make-up and how you view your life, your love and things in general. This situation seems a bit complex. I would suggest counseling but somehow, I have the impression, that you are not the “Going to Counseling” type? Since I believe this is the case, all I have to offer is a bit of perspective.

Depression is a tricky bugger. It’s like a Spanner, peeking in on your life and it can hold you hostage. You then sit there and wonder just how the hell it got in?(Take this test, from the post prior to this) [*At bottom of page]

Let me offer a couple of suggestions here; Sleep is so important, get it, do it, make it. If you don’t want to take sleeping pills from your Doctor, you can get some Benadryl, OTC.
The key ingredient in Tylenol PM is Diphenhydramine HCl, which is also the generic name for Benadryl’s ingredients. In other words, you can buy a generic form and look for the active ingredient, “Diphenhydramine.” This may get you back in that sleep loop. You may begin to feel better, even from a good nights sleep.

Now, there’s no data to support this, that I have found but I have a theory about,
“Extreme Behaviorists.” I am an extremist myself and so is my ex-husband. It can actually be, somewhat of an addiction. You live for the thrill, of your behavior and once you become an extremist, it’s understandably hard, to break old habits.

Some people, who are extremists, create chaos in their life, when they are not, “On the edge.” They may become argumentative, just for the sake, of the chaos it brings. Once you’ve behaved in an extreme manner, it’s hard to find consolation, with the mundane. It seems dull and unrewarding.

Believe it or not, the data and text, concerning addiction, shows similar behaviors. Once you’ve “jazzed up” your life with drugs, when you are not high, things just don’t catch your interest. Now, I am not implying, that you and a drug addict, are one and the same, let me make that clear. You did not even mention any form of addiction, or the lot. I simply point this out because you may benefit from some of the Recovery tricks and tweaks.

If you research it and some of the advice from professionals, you’d find that the key, to overcoming addiction, is in making yourself aware of some of your own quirks and behaviors.

They use an example or acronym referred to as, “H.A.L.T.,”which stands for,

*Hungry…Angry…Lonely…Tired

it encourages us not to become too;

HUNGRY: When we dislike ourselves, we neglect and deprive our bodies of the balanced diet we need.
Food is a source of nurturing. Our bodies are ours to keep and care for so that we may understand
and carry out God’s will for us. When our bodies cry for attention, we no longer have time
for the spiritual program necessary for recovery.

ANGRY: When we choose not to deal with a situation immediately, there is a possibility that those feelings we are afraid to express will become resentments that we may later use as an excuse to drink or use drugs.

LONELY: When we believe that we are either better or worse than other people, we dig ourselves into a
hole of self-pity, feeling unique in our differences. We soon begin to feel the loneliness of such
isolation, and we tell ourselves that it is a good reason to drink or use drugs.

TIRED: When we can’t make sense out of anything and life overwhelms us, it is possible we have run
ourselves into a screeching HALT. We have filled our lives with so many activities that we have no
time for reflection.

I do not imply this acronym, to you in a sense of addiction to drugs but an addiction to extreme behavior.

Sex is another issue or situation, that can become humdrum, if you are used to pornography, fetish, S & M and the likes. I say this for perspective but if you have been doing a lot of kinky stuff, on a continual basis, going back to the missionary style, may seem boring. Do you see the correlation, I am making here? If we do things, all through life in an extreme manner, it’s sure as hell not going to get you excited to sit on the couch, is it? On the other hand, I think what has happened, is you topped out. You burnt your candles at both ends, did it all, per say and feel there’s nothing left. But is this really true? Is there nothing left?

I think you burned out and then fell into depression. Depression will cause sleep problems. It’s a vicious cycle and one feeds off the other. But I think you know this, right? So, we need to find a way to climb out and put things into perspective, correct?

To start, let’s look at things realistically. You are now older, this is a fact. I don’t know your age but I’d be willing to bet, you are having a hard time getting older. We don’t have to let go of dreams and desires, as we grow older but we often have to modify them.

In your 30’s, no matter what you do, you may never be that spry, spunky monkey you were in your 20’s. But you can keep in shape. My first suggestion is to start to work out again. I don’t mean go hog wild but a moderate amount of exercise is going to make a man, like you, feel better.

Once you begin to feel better about yourself, you will begin to “wear” that persona on the inside and out. Right now, you don’t feel good about you but I can tell at some point you were a man to be reckoned with. You can get that edge back and begin to feel better, by getting out and working out again. When you were in better shape, you felt better about yourself and how you looked. Start a little every day, walking and build up your exercise regimen. I guarantee, you will begin to feel better.

Complacency Breeds Complacency

You have not done it all, let me point this out. You need to challenge yourself and start with the exercise. Rome was not built in one day, so you need to start somewhere, right? Start by looking in the mirror. You obviously are not happy with you.

It’s clear to me, that you are very hard, on yourself. It’s even clearer, that there’s a reason, you feel the need to “Perform.” A man is not measured by his feats but by how good-hearted he is.

Your systems, values and beliefs need to be put under a microscope. I want you to realize that you were only doing yourself harm, if you believed, that a man, is only respected, by how hard he is, body and mind. I respect your feelings of wanting to be the very best, let me make that known. But there comes a time, when you have to realize that you do not have to win constantly and you sure don’t have to be the best at everything, to be respected.

It’s commendable, to be good, at all the things you have done but I want you to begin to be good at just being you. Relax your thinking a little and your assessment of your own self-worth. I think you are really tired of trying so hard, just to be you.

Maybe it’s time to re-invent yourself?

Someone you respect, taught you that you have to excel and win. These are really good qualities, if you know where the cut off point is, where you can relax. You gave up, instead of just relaxing some of your beliefs and then you became disgusted with yourself. You need a half-way point here.

1. Start with getting a good nights sleep. This plays a huge role in how we perceive all things and how we feel. Some people are proud of the fact that they don’t sleep. They’re usually cranky bastards too! So, get some sleep on a regular basis.
2. Begin to exercise, even if it’s to go to the park and walk. You may not remember how good it feels to work up a sweat but I’m willing to bet that once you do, you’ll feel refreshed.
3. Relax and stop holding yourself to such high expectations. Enjoy life and go with the flow. You’ll begin to breathe differently.
4. Just be you, not the Lion after the prey, on guard and ready to pounce. When you feel that anxiety, like you need to be doing something extreme and feeling guilty because you are not doing it, put on your favorite music and just relax.
5. Stop believing that you have to live an extreme lifestyle to measure up.

I think once you implement these 5 things, you’ll stop that vicious cycle that’s got you hobbled. Each thing will fall into place and when you begin to feel better, you’ll look better.

As we get older, we must often accept that our body does not cooperate as it once did. This you must come to terms with and accept. You can however get comfortable in your own skin.

I encourage you not to be so superficial and accept you for who you are. Begin to love yourself again and in turn, you’ll be able to love another. Did you realize that you may be putting off negative energy, that people, specifically women can sense?

Who wants to go out with a ball of bad energy? Stop it and start just being you. Become aware of this possibility and you will see the difference if you change it. Oh, and stop being such a perfectionist. I can feel it.

Now, just do it!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

* Test Click Here

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

You See???

Saturday, June 27, 2009

You See???

Dear Aunt B,

So I went to my cousin’s wedding today and I saw this really cute guy. I kept looking at him and so did my friend. We were talking and I called him hot then me and my friend hurried away. He followed us around and stuff in the halls and we didn’t mind. He was like tickling us and it was fun and I think I really like him. So my friend got caught and had to sit upstairs with her parents and me and this boy kissed a few times until i had to go upstairs. He has my number and we’ve been texting but I don’t think he like likes me….I really don’t know. I’m confused because I really like him…

Help??

Sincerely,

ShyandSecluded

Dear ShyandSecluded,

Lol… okay, I am laughing a little at the shy & secluded bit, because this situation sounds pretty bold!!

At any rate, the situation you have now is probably a good one. For all intent and purpose, this texting relationship is the slow-get-t-know ride that will help you decide if you actually do like this guy, or were merely attracted to his looks.

As for him, who knows if he likes you, maybe that is why he is texting you. I’d pretty much say he does to the point of being interested in you, because guys generally don’t text/write/call if they are just not that into you.

Keep up the texting, and see where it leads

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra

Dearest ShyandSecluded,

Well, suffice it to say, I am not a mind reader but it’s not Rocket Science to see that he followed you, kissed you and more importantly took your number and texts you.

My advice to you is pretty simple and something, words you might always use;
Lay out the situation in your mind, lay out the journey you want to take and envision it, the how to’s the what have’s and how you might arrive at your intended destination. In simpler terms; If it is your goal to further this relationship with this or any other fella, you must simply think of a way to make it happen. Be so bold and say what needs to be said to get what you want.

The important part of this is even simpler…envision any and all possible responses to any question you might need an answer to. In other words, if you are going to ask him out, let’s say, you think about all possible answers he might give you. He might very well be shy and evasive, right? Well, then you might make it easier for him by breaking the ice and inviting him to something, i.e., the movies, skating, even out for ice cream. Simpler yet, how about meeting at the park or even somewhere more neutral, as in where there are lots of people, possibly the Mall and no room for uncomfortable situations.

The essence of my advice is for you to think of all possible answers to any question you might pose to him. This gives you the benefit of bracing yourself for any let down you might come across therefore bolstering yourself and possibly taking away any of the sting in the mix.

For real though, if you set yourself up for a fall, meaning if you ask him, in a bold fashion any question but you’ve already looked at all the possibilities, any and all answers he might give and learn not to take them personal, then you’ll have the program down pat. The point being that, take note, if he tells you NO to any question or invite, you must not take it personal because it just wasn’t meant to be. You See???

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 12:56 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Boldly Being, Dating Dilemma’s

Solitude & Fortitude

Dear Aunt B,

I recently married. I took my husbands last name. I know I have to let the social security office know. But, who else do I have to let know?

Dear Recently Married:

I assume you are living in the States, so I will go with that. But this is a pretty standard list for anywhere. Hope this helps!

• Social Security Administration
• Driver’s License
• Automobile registration and insurance
• Work related information
• Insurance policies
• Bank accounts
• Investment accounts
• Utility bills
• Post Office
• Credit cards
• Passport
• Medical records
• Wills, legal documents
• Organization and church memberships
• Voter registration
• Landlord or mortgage company

Best wishes on your nuptials
~Xmichra

Wishing You Well & Congratulations,

“Never, ever fight in the Bedroom. It must always be your place of Solitude & Fortitude.”

Aunt B

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 12:51 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Name Change, Solitude and Fortitude

Weighing The Odds

Friday, June 5, 2009

Weighing The Odds

Dear Aunt B,

I’ve just recently graduated high school. I’m dating a great guy who(unfortunately) has had a few run-ins with the law that will stay with him for the rest of his life(these happened many years ago for him, and he’s 20). He and I are polar opposites(different favorite genres of music, different movie favorites, everything) and yet somehow we usually work well together. Our relationship has been off and on for the past two years(my parents don’t approve of us being together), and last year I started talking to him again after a prior breakup, but my parents found out and I had to cut off communications with him.

A few months after not talking to him, a friend asked me out and I said yes. My now-boyfriend found out during the summer about this friend and I dating(he saw us walking together and at that point he still assumed we were dating cause I hadn’t been able to tell him otherwise), and it really hurt him. About 8 months ago I broke up with my friend(he turned into a jerk) and a month or so later(after I had cooled down) I started talking to my boyfriend again, apologizing and explaining what happened. He accepted my apology and took me back. We’ve been currently dating for about 7-8 months. I’ve also recently got a Facebook(never really wanted one before, but friends wanted me to, so I decided to try it) and through it I connected with people I haven’t seen in a long time. I found a guy on there that has been my friend for about 6 years now, so I started talking to him again.

Just a sidenote, because my parents don’t approve of me dating my boyfriend, I have to hide it from them and can usually only talk to him through IM and only occasionally see him until I move to college.

Anyways, so my friend(who’s 23. Yeah, I know, what’s up with the older guys, right?) and I caught up through Facebook. He was dating a girl at that time, and I tried to help him through problems they were having, but they ended up breaking up. About a month or so later of us talking, he told me that he feels something for me(he knows I have a boyfriend, but my boyfriend doesn’t know about him). And the truth is, awhile after he told me that, I feel something for him too. And it really hurts to admit it, because I think I love my boyfriend as well. Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn’t feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit. My friend is very sweet to me and will do nearly anything to make me feel better and to make me smile. My boyfriend is a man of few words, but he tries his best to make me smile too. But my boyfriend and I recently got in to a fight. I’m a bit phobic of drinking because of a past boyfriend of mine, and I told this to my current boyfriend. This mixed with a couple more conversations and he told me that he feels like I was trying to change him. I wasn’t at all, I was just saying that I don’t like him drinking is all. At the end of the fight(I hate misunderstandings), I told him that I didn’t want to change him, but hiding things that scare me from him stresses me out alot. He said more or less that if something like that happened again, he couldn’t continue the relationship, and that was the end of our arguement. I told my friend about it, and he was very sympathetic. Our conversation that day led to him admitting that he thought he was falling in love with me, but I didn’t know what to say back.

I feel something for both guys. Physically, I could care less what they look like. Emotionally, my friend understands me more. In nearly every way my friend is better for me than my boyfriend. But when I think about leaving my boyfriend again, I want to cry. I don’t know how to handle it, but I need to know who I should date. This is my last summer before I go off to college, and I want it to not be so stressful.

Can you please help me? No one else has been able to yet.

Guy Troubles

Dear Guy Troubles:

Honestly it sounds like you have made up your mind, and you need some validation. If it were me personally, I would want to date a person who was respectful and who understands things that I have gone through and is willing to listen to me, rather than throw ultimatums at me from a simple discussion. Is this sinking in as to what I would do?? I hope so.

Sometimes when we have invested so much time into a relationship, it is difficult to end it simply based on all the work you’ve had to do to maintain it. You may thing you love this guy, and you might. But are you *in* love, that is the real question. I am sitting here reading what you wrote, and I am going to guess, no. Not because of anything bad that has occurred, but from this sentence:
“Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn’t feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit.”

I know it may seem like you just can’t break it off with your boyfriend… but I am telling you that you may fall into something with your facebook friend that could wind up hurting your current boyfriend. Simple conversation can quickly turn into an affair when your feelings are so confused.

I think it’s time you really look at the situation and how you really feel for your boyfriend, and stop weighing the odds against the Facebook friend. Think about the two of you, how things are working out, how he treats you, how you feel with him and about him. This will help you to clarify what you need to do.

Hope you get some peace of mind.

~Xmichra.

Written by Staff & Xmichra at 4:48 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Labels: Dating Issues, Love and Relationships, Love Issues, Xmichra

See Ya…

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Vacation

Aunt B will be gone for two weeks. I will be away from all technology, therefore, any and all letters will be on hold.

Have a great summer!!

“What’s The Rush Here?”

Dear Aunt B,

Hello Readers,

I been dating this girl for 3 months. She tells me she is in love with me and that she loves me. We have great sex. I just found a letter to her friend Josh saying that any girl would be lucky enough to have him. Then she said that she was sorry she missed his call on Sunday and she felt like crying because she didn’t get to talk to him and she misses him. Josh just left to the army for training. She also told him about me having a feeling that I knew how much she love him and that I was jealous. Which yes I am jealous because she is my girlfriend and she is in love with two different people with is not far to me. Josh is also in love with my girlfriend.

I asked her about Josh and she said she did not love him. I know she lied because the letter said other wise. Josh knows about me. at the end of the letter he wrote I love you and she wrote I love you so much much much much much. She has never lied to me till now.

She wants me to move in with her but I am not sure because of how she feels. I love her and if I lose her it is going to be hard for me. We spend all day together. All my time is for her. I know she thinks about him when I am around. She is not with him because she feels like he can do better then her. I feel like she lied and cheated on me. I cannot trust her. I do not want to confront her about the letter because I went through her stuff to find it.

Now my question is what should I do? If stay with her what is going to happen when he comes back? Should I give her some space? What should I do?!? Should I move in? Should I just walk away? Should I try to make her happy? Should I just forget about the letter?

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Dear Please Help,

Well My Dear, it sounds like she’s a bit wishy washy, if you ask me. I mean, well hell, I’m just gonna say it; If she says these things behind your back, in other words, in this intimate letter to him, can you, will you ever be able to really trust her feelings and emotions completely?

In an earlier writing, from a gentleman in a similar situation, I gave the advice;

All’s Fair in Love and War

Possibly read this and it may help you as well. Rarely do we get the inner working of a woman’s mind as you have. I am referring to the letter you read. I would take it rather seriously, if I were you. No she’s not cheating on you but she comes a close second.

See, my concern is with the honesty in this issue. She is not being honest with you, and you already know this. Is that not enough to send up red flags and/or some sort of hesitancy? It would for me and I can only say that I would stay on the side of caution.

Quite frankly, I have to wonder, really, “What’s the rush here?”I mean, if I were you, I might hesitate to move right in with her. Now, nothing says she does not have real feelings for you and it is possible to love two men at a time. People do it all the time, do they not? But for real, is this the type of woman that you want, the kind that gives you half her heart?

My Advice; Slow your row, watch and wait, feel it out. As time passes, she just might give you all of her heart. Again, you have to ask yourself; Are you willing to invest in such uncertainty? You seem to have a forgiving heart but my concern is that, while she has every right in the world to say whatever she wants, i.e., that she does not love Josh, her own words say otherwise. Basic Training does not last forever and he may be back. So, you must ask yourself if you should invest your own heart, time, etc., with a woman who has been less than honest. Only you can answer this.

Again, I urge you to slow things down a bit and feel for the real deal!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

“Meanings”

Dear Aunt B,

Hello,

I’ve been wanting quite a bit to ask someone or the world in general about something I’ve experienced all my life; I have no idea whether this is normal or not. I’d like to preface this by saying that no, I am not depressed. I have been to a psychiatrist and been put on various anti-depressants, and they’ve never changed a thing about me.

For about as far back as I can recall, I’ve never had much emotion but, contrary to that, I’ve always had quite a bit. Hopefully I can explain this, as it sounds rather confusing right now. I can cry at the drop of a hat if I have to, I can display any and all emotions very well, but even when I’m crying or yelling or laughing until my stomach hurts, my mind is completely calm and uninterested and at times amused by it. I feel like life is on mute, or in sepia tones… it’s the only way I can really explain it. Of course, I’m not saying I’m unhappy – I’m content. I’m not unhappy. I do feel emotion but only on a very minute scale. I’m not mentally at unrest. I spend time with people, I’m a contributing member of society, I do things. I accomplish goals, I make money, I do good work. Yet, it all feels silly. I feel a bit like I’m just bored and waiting for when I don’t have to do this anymore. It feels boring. Life feels boring, even when I’m doing things at extremes. I’ve subjected myself to all sorts of dangerous things just to see if it affected me, and it didn’t.

The other part of this is that I just don’t care about other people. I’ve lost friends (to death) and haven’t felt any regret: I don’t miss people when they’re gone. I don’t miss people if they walk out of my life. I don’t feel close to people, mostly because I just don’t care about them. I have to fight at finding other people worth attention, as arrogant as that sounds. I’m not a bad person, I donate to charity, I donate my time to causes, I’ve lost feeling in my legs holding someone on my lap when they were crying all over my shoulder. I’m very polite and make room to accept everyone’s beliefs. However, no matter how many good deeds I do or how much I bend over backwards for others or how much time I spend on other people, I still don’t care outside of showing emotions outwardly that I think I should feel. I’ve walked out on my family and I haven’t missed them; when their names are mentioned, despite raising me for seventeen years of my life before I left abruptly, I had to stop and remember who they were. I don’t feel any regret. I have lived many years without them, and I don’t lose any sleep.

This extends beyond emotions; I have no interest in spending time with people socially. I don’t enjoy people at all, as I’m never sure what I’m supposed to feel or do or how to react. In high school I did find a very unfortunate way to give myself small “highs” of emotion – I treated everyone else like they were below me and quite horribly so. The sick ego boost made me temporarily happy; I do not do this anymore and I recoil when I see others do it.

I have an extremely high IQ, and I grew up extremely fast, so I’ve always talked above people my age. I’ve never had any children’s books or toys, really… I read the 1988 Encyclopedia Britannica by the time I was six. It was my childhood reading. With my vernacular being the way it has been, I’ve always felt distant from others. However, I’m a jack-of-all-trades, master of none sort, so I’ve never found any niche that interested me because I was never specialized enough to fit in with the particular fans of _insert interest here_. This is fine, as I’d much rather read than spend time with people. I have no sexual attractions, either. I’m extremely asexual; my body functions, but it has no use to me in terms of sexuality. I ensure I have sex four times a year via pay, simply because it seems like I should. It seems that intercourse is somehow important to other men, so I do it just because of that. I find orgasm boring, too. It’s a health issue to me.

Of course, I’m not a robot. I feel a very little sample of everything. Extremely rarely I feel too much and it causes me to get horrible migraines. I then lock myself away and put in earplugs and pull a pillow over my head. I have a calendar I keep to make sure I’ve cried a certain amount of times per year, too, because I’m concerned that if I don’t necessarily feel it that it could have some negative effect if it really is there and I haven’t released it. I recall someone I know watching an episode of a show called House; there was a girl who did not feel physical pain. Her body translated it all to pleasure. Well, watching it, that’s how I feel emotionally quite a bit. I feel like I’ve trained myself in how to behave and perform “checks” to count that all the actions I think I’m supposed to take have occurred. I refuse to believe that this is in anyway some sort of emotional problem, despite my emotions having their “volume dial” most the way down. I have noticed that if I take drugs or drink a large amount of alcohol, I begin to feel a great deal. (I do not do this very often; perhaps once a year I’ve experienced that.) It seems as though something is almost instantly triggered that changes the way I feel. I have wondered sometimes if there’s some electrical disturbance or problems that stop all of it from properly processing. I wondered if with alcohol it had to do with introversion of some sort – I am a very reserved person despite being sunny and polite when engaged – but I found the exact same occurred with drugs that are not known to affect introversion. In fact, during one experience with a restricted narcotic I experienced severe paranoia and was even more intent on avoiding people, but still I felt things very acutely. I have journalled and timed (as best I could considered my state at the times) my bodily reactions, mental state and awareness, emotional “volume” and other such things with a great number of drugs. They seem to almost all carry a similar time frame for releasing emotions; it takes about seventeen minutes from ingestion of toxin to increase of emotions. I’ve taken journals to doctors but was simply nagged about drug use and informed that they were not that sort of clinical-test doctor. I wish someone would take me seriously and realize I am not drug-seeking, I am attempting to diagnose some sort of error in my brain processor! I don’t even enjoy drugs, I hate feeling overwhelmed and trapped by them. Maybe this description will help someone help me in determining what this is?

The closest I have ever seen is Dexter, a character from a series of novels I read awhile ago. I was quite fascinated, because it felt as though someone had put a finger on my aberrant behaviour. However, I have no traumatic incident, nor am I some sort of serial killer. I dislike people, but I don’t hate them or think that I am somehow better than them or permitted somehow to hurt them just because I feel next to nothing for them. The same thing is there, though. I even use people in the same way, weighing whether or not I want to put up with conversation based on what I can use them for later down the road. I’m extremely manipulative in that way, but I’ve never hurt anyone from it. I like to think that I’m not parasitic, but rather that I share a symbiotic relationship with them; I try to give reasonably in return to what I receive. Only one person in my entire life has interested me and kept me due to my feelings for them, yet I’m not sure why. It’s as close to love as I can feel. I overcompensate for my lack of empathy by spending all my money on her. She is my best (and only real) friend. She’s aware that I seem to have some sort of serious sociopathic issues, but she doesn’t care as she may not feel that way, but tends to agree with my caustic opinions that I share with only her. She seems to accept that this is who I am, and is very patient and actually engages me in discussion about things that other people have waved off as ridiculous. (For instance, theological debate from the point of view of someone who has no emotional connection to the issues. She even tolerates the fact that it leaves me too logical and too trigger happy to argue every point, and never pick a side.)

My question, really, is what should I do? Is this normal? Are there other people who experience this, and is it some sort of disease? Or is it just personality showing an extreme? Are emotions that important? Or, like those who are religious opposed to those who are not, is it something “missing” that is unneeded to those who do not want it? Could this cause me some sort of damage, could this be the symptom of some sort of other problem? I know it is not depression; my psychiatrists have tried me on every dosage of every brand of every kind of antidepressant, and none have changed one iota of my personality or disposition. (I have experienced a fascinated array of very gross and unfortunate side effects for the last eight years until I told them to just give up, involving everything from cluster headaches to a very gross explosion of hives, right along to wonderful things like diarrhea and sight impairment.) I’m perfectly healthy otherwise, apart from being mildly overweight (what desk worker isn’t?). I do fully admit to “suffering” obsessive compulsive disorder along with this. I don’t see how having a perfect order system for all my belongings and knowing where everything is has to do with “suffering”, but apparently OCD is a disease so I suppose I should couch it in that phrasing. I’m hoping that you can provide some insights, ideas, point me in the direction of research; maybe someone will read this and know what this is. If anyone could help me on this, I’d love to hear it. You can act your way through life only so far before realizing that you’re playing snakes and ladders without the ladders. Too many things in life require connection; art, music, my writing, design, naturalistic pursuits… so much of this I have all the technical knowledge in the world, but constantly hear, “We can’t see any emotional connection to your art/composition/violin/photos/etc.” It’s very frustrating to not be part of this magical little club everyone else seems to be in.

Thank you very much if you have the time to read this and respond. I understand that a lot of people probably write in, so I’d understand if you didn’t have time to get back to me. Whether or not you can, I appreciate it and hope you enjoy the upcoming weekend.

You see? I’m not a horrible person, I’m very polite. It’s just… What is that saying? “If you can fake sincerity, you can do anything”?

Regards,
Henry

Dear Henry,

Remember that I am no professional, but I would bet money you have heard what I will say about this.

You sound like you have Disconnected Emotions, commonly referred to as Dissociative Disorder(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder ), more specifically Depersonalization Disorder.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder) There are a lot of sites geared towards this way of being, and it is recognised in psychological terms as a disorder. I can’t tell you what is and isn’t normal (mainly because I feel that is not objective), but I see how you think, and this would be my guess.

There are four basic “types” of emotional beings: The intuitive which operate from their *heart*, and the disconnect who over thinks and has no consult to their *heart*(I say *heart*, because I am not talking about the organ, I am talking about the emotional heart). The empath who acts as an Intuitive but with unhealthy boundaries, and the person with a bit of everything here: the balanced.

The relationship you have with your “friend” sounds very much like a dissociative/empath relationship. Which is also a typical behaviour, to search for an outlet to release your need for emotion.

A person, such as yourself, feels dissociated because of many reasons (most dissociatives are from traumas, but not all, some are the rare kind of too high of intellect and environment factors), but in general to be dissociative is to be insecure and to assure that their own sense of worthiness is not in jeopardy. The ironic piece about your situation is that you do feel, and quite strongly, which has shut your emotions off. The reason I say this, is from the things you have described about being a *good* person. A person who shows a dissociated personality can’t deal with being thought of as bad, or lacking goodness. It makes you feel unworthy, and that is the main fear here.

I strongly encourage you to read this site: http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/EmotionalDissociation.htm

Because it has a very clear definition and healing goal for a person which is disconnected with their emotions. The site is more geared towards the intuative and how to help, but the reason and logic should be enough for you to process.

I would also advise you to seek a professional therapist that will work with you, using Cognitive behavioral therapy, not drugs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavior_therapy . This is far more benificial and uses your own intellect to find your emotional switch.

I realize that by putting this out here for you, your persona may regard this as a threat and toss it into the “this is ridiculous” bin. But the end of your letter was so important: “My question, really, is what should I do? Is this normal? Are there other people who experience this, and is it some sort of disease? Or is it just personality showing an extreme? Are emotions that important? Or, like those who are religious opposed to those who are not, is it something “missing” that is unneeded to those who do not want it? Could this cause me some sort of damage, could this be the symptom of some sort of other problem?”… these are the questions asked by a person who does feel, who wants to feel, and who wants to figure out how to feel everything again.

Again, I am not a professional, so this isn’t a diagnosis. This is my best guess as to what might be up with you, and hopefully some insight and a path to ask a professional.

I really do hope that you find your way to your heart. We all deserve to feel.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra.

“Nothing is Taboo!” Write Aunt B at mzbabz@comcast.net

Sexual Healing

Dear Reader’s,

This is from another one of my many websites and is of adult content. As you can see or rather will read, Aunt B has walked on the Wild Side, a time or two. I can be brazen, possibly even vulgar but one thing’s for certain;

This is good advice!

Sex Coupons

Don’t be afraid to comment here, the CIA says this is a valid subject!

Yes, my Dear Readers, I can, have and may always be “Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable” but I always speak the truth. If you want your spouse or partner to keep shopping at your store, well, it’s all in the packaging…

I am 50 years old. Yes, I’m an old Slut with a capitol “S” and I do not apologize. I started having sex, way back in 1971. I think this gives me a good idea, what the whole scenario is all about. It also has taught me a lot about how men/women operate, right? This post applies to all sexual preferences and it knows no boundaries. I do think monogamy is a wonderful thing and in this day and age, safe sex is the only way to go. That means, don’t think that, that guy, who’s just so cute, with that nice ass,, may not be infected or that chick doesn’t have a disease, right. Don’t be another statistic, wear a condom, if you’ve not got a history with this person, ok? Every single person, including myself, never thought it would happen to them. But this post is about having a good time. Nothing says lovin’, like a chubby in the oven!

Yes, it’s a tad crude but you get the idea, right?

(Right click, save and print) (Do It!)

One thing I have learned, is you have to spice things up, sometimes, you know, to keep your man/woman from shopping at another store. Well, that and threatening their life, that they’ll never live to remember their indiscretion or live to tell about it, if caught.

The other thing I learned, is, getting old, is a matter of compiling memories, good or bad. Hopefully, you have more good than bad. My wish would be that I live, at least a few more years, too and build and retain more memories. My demise would be to get Alzheimer’s and not remember a damn thing. Then again, those with Alzheimer’s often digress, back to their teens or when they were younger. Now that would be some cool shit, huh? But the big question is gonna be;

“Have I lived?”

I’d like to think I have had a long life, full of memories, enough for a book, anyway. But it comes down to building some really good memories.

I Double Dog Dare You!

I dare you to walk on the edge. I dare you to do something, you’d never dream of doing and I’m not talking about Bungee Jumping! Think out of the box. Think out of the norm or status quo.

Sometimes, it’s even the smallest approach that will get him/her thinking. Do something that you’ve never done. Have sex somewhere unusual and be daring. Stop that missionary shit for one night. Get on that pony and ride. Be a trick rider. Ride backwards, holding onto his toes, then he can watch the whole thing. Mirrors are fun too!

Most men, want Betty Crocker in the kitchen and a trained Prostitute in bed. Give it to him, I guarantee, he will not forget it. Go out with a skirt and no panties. Your husband will be driven nuts, the sexual tension will be so thick, you can cut it with a knife.

Strip for him or surprise him when he comes home from work, dressed in a teddy or whatever. I’ve never heard of a man who complained that his wife wanted sex, when he came home from work. I’ve never heard a man say his wife was too demanding, always wanting sex.

Make a list of places, you want to have sex and try to mark off that list. I can’t remember my exact list and I know I have not done them all, as one of them was to screw in a Castle in Ireland. Some were improv, such as having sex on the 33rd floor of the Washington Monument in D.C. or when I went into the walk-in freezer with that good-looking Latin Lover/Dishwasher at a restaurant I worked at. Good grief, he rocked my world but then he started stalking me, ranting about love. Who knew?

But I think the cleverest thing I ever did, was to give my husband, a book of coupons for Christmas. I had no money, as a young bride, staying home with my son. So, I cut and colored a whole book of pull outs for “A Blow Job on Demand.” I honored ever coupon, no matter how daring it was, or how afraid I was of getting caught.

“He got that “Coupon Book” and a box of chocolate covered cherries, his favorite, every Christmas.“

Years later, before he died, he had told me, through all the years, that was the only gift he loved the most, the one most memorable. After the first coupon book, I’d ask him what he wanted for Christmas and he’d always answer, “you know what I want” and I gave him another coupon book. He then gave, recounted, exactly where he used every coupon and the whole scenario, as if it had happened just yesterday.

He remembered all right..yes, he remembered, whipping out a coupon, he kept in his wallet. We were at the brand new movie, “Star Wars,” in the balcony, all by ourselves. He even remembered the time, he almost wrecked the car, giggling with delight as he recounted;

We were riding down a back road and as he neared a curve, my head got stuck in the steering wheel. “What a way to die,” he exclaimed, a huge shit eatin’ grin on his face.

He remembered handing me a coupon, at a Jack in the Box, fast food restaurant and us going into the men’s room, right then and right there, me on my knees. Or the time, we were driving from Virginia to New York, on the Interstate. I’d not known it at the time but he’d handed me a coupon and I was doing the dirty deed. All the while a Trucker was watching us and gave my husband a “Thumbs Up” and mouthed the words, “Lucky Bastard.”

He could recall, every single coupon and had the biggest smile and isn’t that what love is, making your significant smile? Better yet, isn’t it about the good memories? When you’re old and gray, a memory might even start a fire. Those slow burning embers just might be rekindled, huh?

Be crazy, be slutty, be daring, be dirty cause they’ll remember it longer than they’ll remember you in your bathrobe, hair all screwed up. They’ll recall the good times more than the bad, if… “You Blow Their Mind!”

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

“Nice Guys Finish Last”…Or Do They?

Dear Aunt B,

First of all thank you for reading my e-mail; I really appreciate you helping me out when I can’t turn anywhere else for advice.

I’m in the 2nd year of college and in the freshman year I befriended a girl from my class. She was already in a long distance relationship with this guy for the past two years.

Well me and that girl really had a lot in common so we became best friends and always spent every possible minute together. After sometime I got to found out that her boyfriend was ignoring her and might have had another affair so she had broke up with him. Well being a good friend I consoled her and supported her in every way possible. As time went by and she improved I realized that I was in love with her and proposed to her. She also gladly accepted and said that she had the same feelings for me for the past sometime as well.

So everything was going very well for the past nine months , we had been going along very will, that is until her ex-boyfriend found about us. He suddenly “realized his mistake and rushed to my city to see her” to my disbelief she also went and met him although I forbade her. He uses all kinds of different pressure tactics to force her to be with him. He blackmails her, when she refuses to meet him, he kidnaps her from front of her home, he threatens to expose her to her family, commit suicide and so on. Even when the three of us met he said that he will do whatever means necessary to get her back, even if that means hurting her or killing me!

She will neither do anything against him, nor will she let me do anything about it. I had offered to pick her up from her doorsteps and even “take care of him” if he became too much of a problem. It’s almost like she misses him and wants to go back to him. I told her about my concerns and she said that she can’t help it, he, and his welfare is her first priority and she will stick with him as long as he wants to, but she still loves me and only me.

Well as a month passed bad went to worse as I found out that he is taking admission here and so she began to spend all available time with him, leaving me all alone. I have been insulted in our college and by my friends on this issue. She even spent our first anniversary with him, can you imagine how much that hurt me? She suggested to me that we remain just friends, I mean how is that possible, just because you’re feelings got diverted, doesn’t mean that so did mine. I feel that I have been sold out, that my feelings aren’t worth anything and that I have been back stabbed for the past nine months of unconditional love and devotion; both emotionally and financially.

I finally confronted her and told her that she couldn’t have it both ways and that I had been too lenient and caring and that she will have to choose between me, my friendship, my love and him. Well guess what, she chose him and told me that I should forget her forever. And we haven’t spoken since then.

The question I want to ask you is that, what went wrong? I left no stone unturned to make her feel special, which I swear on god. Doesn’t she see that what she’s doing is wrong, He left her once, and he can and will do it again. She’s not even concerned that for the next year she will have to face me in class every day. More importantly was my decision to leave her a right one? Or should I have stuck with her? And what do I do to overcome the intense feelings of hate and anger that I have?

Once again thank you very much for reading my problem and replying, I am really grateful for your advice.

Dear Reader,

Wow, reading this letter was actually gut wrenching. But as I read, I found myself actually becoming angry and rather frustrated for you. My thoughts are not very kind right now. I will try to remain impartial though, as always.

What I see is a woman that is being emotionally blackmailed in every way possible. I also see that I think she just might have the attitude, “If ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Unfortunately, she gave in to his demands, his blackmail, his out and out line of bullshit.

Now, don’t take this wrong but he actually fought a better fight than you. He played “Dirty Pool,“ in every way, shape and form and ultimately won. But she also let him. It’s as if it’s a scenario from a Play, “Nice Guys Finish Last,” now isn’t it?

If it’s any consolation, I do not believe she’ll ever be happy with him. No, in fact, she’ll always be miserable but continue to tell herself that she’s happy. It’s not happiness when you have to analyze it, when it doesn’t come naturally and you have to actually question it. And I dare say, she will question and spend many nights wondering, “What if,” she’d allowed you to rescue her.

But she didn’t let you rescue her, even though there was a constant side of her that wanted it. Something inside told her to tell this guy to kick rocks, to get the hell outta her life. But she didn’t, did she?

When I stated earlier that he won, I want you to understand that yes, he won that fight but you will ultimately win the battle because for real, I hope you will one day see that you are better than that, you are one of the good guys and you deserve someone that won’t treat you as she did. Now, I know there’s a side of you that is still so hurt over this, over her, that you can’t hardly bear to read some of this. But if the truth were known, well Sweetheart, she was never yours to begin with.

I know this all hurts you and my prayer will be that you will heal quickly and in such a way that you will learn from this and become stronger. I will pray that you will become a better man because of this and that all this pain is not for naught.

You have got to, first of all, ready yourself for the *right woman, again, learning from the entirety, all this that you’ve endured. All that we go through in life, from our jobs to our personal life, will, if we play our cards right, ready us for our future. Come what may.

The mistakes we will most assuredly make along the way, hopefully, we’ll learn from and it will round us in to the good person, good husband, partner, employee that we might aspire to be.

What I am implying is not that your relationship was a mistake. Allow me to make this crystal clear. I imagine that you loved her and still do. Yes, true love does not just die and can not be turned off with the flick of a switch. Nor does love go away, if it is real, over night or because we have been injured by the person we love.

What I am saying is this; You wrote me and asked us our opinion and you can bet your bum, we’ll give it to you. My “Intuitions” tell me that you must move on no matter how painful this may be. I believe that it was never meant to be and unfortunately you have invested your heart into something that for all intent and purpose was actually an illusion.

Yes, she loved you and she always will but I do not believe she’ll be able to break away any time soon. I also think that even if she were to come back to you, in the near future, the trust you had and possibly even that love has been damaged, most likely beyond any repair.

My advice to you, at this juncture is to search for something which will engage you. I know that your mind races constantly, does it not? You are always questioning the what if’s and shoulda, coulda, woulda’s of this whole affair. And yes, I know that it torments you.

My Rx is for you to find something that will first make you laugh, at least twice a day (Go to Comedy Central or YouTube). As well, find something which will really capture your attention and take your mind off of things, i.e., games, research, maybe even a new hobby. Bide your time and heal. All will be well. Most of all; Be good to yourself. You are the kind of guy that many girls dream of!!!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*Is there a coffee house at the edge of town? She may be there?

Dear Reader,

Your story is a hard one to read, because you really didn`t *do* anything wrong. Aside from forbidding her to see the other guy (dude, you had to know that was just silly), you really didn`t do anything. She did a lot of things wrong here, but we aren`t going to talk about the wrong and the right anymore because it just doesn`t matter. What matters now, is you.

This might be harsh, but follow through okay?

You know what happened. She followed her heart. As hard as that is to hear, she did what she thought was right for her and her feelings at this time. You can see this guy is an ass, and you know his MO. But she can`t see it, or she sees something that you cannot. Regardless of the incidences, she has chosen which path she wants to be on. She isn`t thinking about how this will affect you in class every day. She is thinking about how it would affect you to stay with you while she was in love with her ex. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.

You are doing the right thing by letting her go, because YOU deserve to be loved by someone who will return that love 100%. You will need time to recover, I am sure, and I know the feelings of anger and hate are all you can see right now. But time does heal wounds, and so does forgiveness. Seems like a foreign concept right now, I know. But in time you will see that you deserve someone who is in it, really in it, with you. And you will meet that person, and have learned from the scorn of being burnt in a relationship, just how sweet it is to find someone who treats you with respect and honors the commitment you have made.

Sound like a bunch of malarkey doesn`t it? Honestly though, this is what the situation is and how to work through it. If you dwell on what you think you could have had with this girl, you derail any efforts to find happiness.

You have the choice to forgive her for betraying you and to move on finding your happiness. Or the choice to be angry at her and be in a self induced hell. Personally, I hope you choose the first option.

Brightest Blessings

Xmichra

Reality

My Dearest Readers,

I’d written this comment to a young man, a few years ago. He happens to be Gay and was having a hard time with his identity. I’d found it, the comment, on his website. He’d posted it as a separate post as he’d stated he felt he needed to hear it.

Maybe, you might need to hear it especially if you are young and you may also be coming to grips with who you are and/or questioning just what the hell life is actually all about???

Growing up is never easy and we tend to spend our youth always wishing we were older. Once we reach and become “of age” we find all the duty and responsibility that comes along with being and becoming an adult, well, it sure ain’t a bowl of cherries. The next thing ya know, you’re wishing you could still be a kid again. Yes, when life was not so complex and possibly less painful.

So, if you’re young and happen to be reading this, the best advice I could give you is to not rush to be an adult, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, believe me. Always strive to be yourself, treat others as you want to be treated, say what needs to be said as tomorrow is never promised. Yes, live like there’s no tomorrow and…

Reality. Some people have it all in this world. Some of us don’t have a pot to piss in. It is good to strive to be in the middle cause anything else is just gravy. Don’t expect it and it won’t be a disappointment.

Aim high but stay low, don’t ever be pretentious and things will fall in to place. Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit. Very important! But equally important, don’t wait for anybody to save your ass. You are alone.

Whomever you choose to cushion your world with is a bonus but don’t count on it. Have a higher power. Gay or not, God knows who you are and loves you. Does he make mistakes? I think not and he created you in His image. It is deviant behavior that he doesn’t like and you know what I’m talking about, those nasty trollops.

Fail to plan, plan to fail but don’t obsess. Don’t be lazy. If something needs to be done that’s important, you’ll feel much better getting it done, then you can breathe. But those f’n dishes can wait when it’s time to enjoy what life’s really all about:

‘Love, Laughter and Family’

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Nothing Is Taboo; Spanking

Hi Aunt B,

I am 61 male and have a desire to be bent over a woman’s knee for a spanking is this normal and what should i do?

Dear Reader,

First question, yes it is normal. It is normal to fantasize about a plethora of things actually. And this is one of the ones where making it a reality isn’t a bad thing. There are plenty of people who like S&M (you would be a submissive in this action) and where this is not doing any harm to anyone I don’t see why you can’t see it to fruition.

On that note, you don’t specify if you are single or married/attached. This is important, because if you are you should share your desires with your mate. I cannot stress this enough. If you choose to pursue this desire without your partner… okay, well I would just simply advise you to not do that. Your desire isn’t sick or weird, it is a fantasy. If your partner isn’t “into” it that is fine as well. But you should share this about yourself.

There is a ton of reading material that you can research about spanking/S&M/etc. Make sure you are reading the right things (because some are just fantasy forums, and some are full of dogma) to get to know the “why” if you are interested. But the general want to be spanked isn’t abnormal.

When you do decide to pursue this desire with someone, please be sure to talk about it and not just spring it on them (talking about something socially accepted as taboo requires buildup) and I again would strongly advise you to pursue this with a person who cares for you, because sometimes we will desire something but once we are *there* we change our mind, or decide it isn’t what you’d thought it would feel like. So you want to have a safe environment with someone you trust.

I hope you find the right time/place/person to share you deise with.

~ Xmichra

Soulseer Said…

Dear Reader,

Many people have become desensitized to regular porn or regular sex because we are over saturated with it and by it. You can get regular porn anywhere now. But I would say that it’s absolutely normal that you being a man would want to give up, um, and it’s a power shift that you would want to give up power and release to being dominated and a lot of men are like this. They like to be sexually dominated because in real life they are almost always in power and responsible or held responsible and this is a way of giving up that power in a controlled setting.

Check out alt.com This is a fetish website which deals w/every fetish out there, pretty much. But you know, in closing it’s absolutely normal and you should not ever be ashamed of it and maybe I encourage you to follow your dreams. Get yo freak on!!!

Be Yourself,

Soulseer

Dear Friend,

When we say “Nothing Is Taboo” when answering your questions, well you can see we mean it. I say this because some may think this is a taboo subject. I do not think it is and I happen to think if this is how you feel and it harms no one, then I see no problem with it.

Believe it or not, this may stem from how you were disciplined as a child. Yes, some children, in order to get attention will quite often do negative things in order to get that attention. Were you a mischievous young man?

I’m surprised that at 61 you are just now delving into this? Or perhaps you are just now realizing your fantasy about this? It could be that you are just now venting or admitting that this is what trips your trigger. Again, I see nothing wrong with it.

If you Google the word “Spanking” you will get an array of links, some suggesting the etymology of the word like in Wikipedia .Other links may lead you to such sites as the Spanking Club of New York. If you research this or even go into some of these sites you may very well find interested parties and fellow fetish friends.

And yet again, if you look around and just Google the word spanking as I said, you will find a lot of people that are into the same thing thus proving that you are not alone. I suggest that you do as I said, take a gander at some of these links where you just might find yourself at home, on familiar ground and you never know…a friend indeed who just might accommodate your very wish. Happy Hunting!!!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Intuition Is More

Have a Question? Write Aunt B at;

askauntb@gmail.com

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, O.k, this is just a bit wierd, but any help would be very much appreciated, as I am very much the agony aunt of my friends, but from whatever way I look at this, I can’t find a solution.

I am currently with a fantastic guy, he loves me, and I truly think we are soulmates, we were finishing eachothers sentences when we had only just met, and continue to baffle our friends and relatives with our ability to be on the same wave length. He knows what I want with out me having to hint or anything, as if he can read my mind. It’s great

However, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about his ex girlfriend…I know. It’s weird. They didn’t go out very long, and they are still close friends, he has always been open about there friendship, I know for a fact, nothing would ever happen between them again. Ever, they have both moved on. He has said he feels like he ‘messed her up’ which, as he thinks the world is on his shoulders, I know he feels like he has to help her whenever he can as a result, (especailly as she has a tendency to burden him with her issues). I am generally a secure, none obbsessive or jelous person. Although I once had a dream where he kissed her infront of me and acted completly out of character to normal life, it really upset me, but it was so surreal, does this mean anything? I really don’t get it, I can’t help thinking where she is and what she does. I just want to stop thinking about this. It’s stupid. I know it’s natural to feel uneasy about the one you love having been with someone else, but he’s really comfortable telling me anything about it, and I know if he knew, he’d say: that’s crazy, I love YOU, she’s just a mate…so why am I loosing sleep over this? …on some level I think it may be because I could never imagine myself being such close friends with some one I went out with, maybe I just don’t understand. I dunno. She was also snide an cold towards me the first couple of times I met her, and seems to only of just come round to being friendly…in fact she said I was awesome the last time we were all together. So why can’t I stop thinking about her?? PLEASE help. So confused :S

Thank you.

Dear Reader,

Thanks for posting your question. I am from the old school of thought, that intuition is more than it seems to be. In other words, you evidently harbor some doubt about your boyfriend’s loyalty to you, in regard to this ex girlfriend you speak of. So, perhaps you have a reason to feel this way. My advice to you is that you stop doubting yourself and cease putting yourself down over it. It’s best to be open about your feelings, and see what transpires in the days to come. I think your questions, in time, will be answered that way.

I hope this helps, and thanks again, for asking advice…………….

SidellSez


Cont’d…

I will also answer this asap…
Sorry for the delay in answering you.

Dear Reader,

The title to this post speaks volumes, for one. Always rely on your Intuition and it will never steer you wrong.

I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of women would most certainly side with you. The point to make is simple; Would your current fella want you doing the same thing with one of your ex’s?

My own Intuition tells me that this woman is not to be trusted and I can actually see her taking great pleasure in the fact that she still has your man wrapped around her little finger.I somehow feel she uses his kindness, his gentle nature and without him even realizing it, she plays head games in her twisted ploy to keep him in check. And you can tell him I said so.

Having said that, my advice to you would be to simply sit him down and let him know that this entire situation makes you uncomfortable. I believe you when you say it’s not a matter of jealousy. However, your fella needs to understand that it’s just not proper no matter how adult we want to act, especially if their relationship was of a sexual nature.

You explain to him that it’s also not a matter of trust, as you trust him…it’s her that you can not define…it’s her that you don’t trust. That is human nature. He could reassure you till the cows come home but yet again, you don’t know her like he knows her, which by the way says it all.

My suggestion is a campaign to begin distancing himself from her. I know this much; If I told my man that the whole damn thing makes me uncomfortable, is a thorn in the side of your good relationship then I do believe he needs to heed the warning. And it’s not an unreasonable request.

Her life is her life and the time has come for them to part ways. He has done what he has done out of guilt. She is taking advantage of the situation and his good nature. It needs to stop. She is extremely manipulating and I just happen to know she gets extreme pleasure out of making you uncomfortable.

In the event I am right, (and I’m betting that I am)don’t you think he needs to stop being used and abused and move on to a healthy and happy relationship with the one woman who loves him enough to have put up with this bozo bull, one who cares enough to have sought counsel in order to make it all work?

Now…I’m betting on you!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar

Send your question to askauntb@gmail.com

Dear Aunt B,

We have recently rented a very nice house for a decent price, and we love it. There is very little we would change if we bought this house, we are close to work, family, stores, and we only really have one neighbor to our property because of road frontage, railroad tracks, and a gully behind. The house is almost perfect, and the rent and utilities so far are not that high. The only problem is our neighbor. There is a row of bushes between our properties, and in cleaning the yard we had lined up branches and logs from the winters storm on our side of the bushes. She came knocking on our door, yelling at my daughter that the limbs are on her property and she wanted us to move them, my husband went to the door, and politely asked her what was wrong, and she was making snide remarks about us facing trespassing charges if we didn’t move them. He said “I’ll call Jerry (the landlord), thank you, ma’am” and he shut and locked the door. We told the landlord what she said and the landlord looked at where we put the limbs and said that he saw no problem, and that the bushes were on the line. Then about a week later she got mad again and was fussing about the trash can my daughter sat it a few inches over into her yard and she made us move it. Now, my husband has caught her raking limbs onto the back of our property, when he said something to her she said it would be best if he just went back inside.
We have always been friendly with neighbors and are used to people who you can share garden veggies with and talk to every day on the way to the mailbox. How do we deal with this lonely, angry woman? She is elderly, lives alone and rarely comes out, and hires people to do lawn work and such, I think.

Dear Reader;

I have lived next to people like this (and they were not elderly, just ornery!) and unfortunately the answer is this: leave it be.
Make sure you know where your property begins and ends, and respect those limits. Some people are, for whatever reason, very compulsive about every centimetre of their property, especially when they have to defend it in the past. You rent this property correct? My guess is that this lady has had several neighbours and has learned over time to “draw the line” nice and early so there is no room for miscommunication. Really has nothing to do with you personally..

You never know, maybe if you respect her wish (in respecting her property) and you live there a little while, she might come out of her shell and become a little more neighbourly.

Hope you enjoy your house, regardless of the neighbour.

~ Xmichra

Hi M******,

Isn’t it always true that just when everything seems perfect, a pricker gets in our way! Well, I know how hard it can be to have neighbors who are difficult. Two things come to mind, first, how lucky you are that this is just one person to deal with. The second thing is, that this old woman may feel threatened by a young family moving in. She may know, that some young people treat the elderly with disrespect.
My advice to you is to give her a chance. Be nice to her, despite her aggressive behavior to you, for it might be out of fear. Show her that you don’t mean her any harm, and in fact truly want to be neighborly. She may come around, and then you can build some sort of trust, as a neighbor. And, if things really do not get any better, a bad neighbor can be less of a reason that some people do end up moving!
I hope this helps!

Thanks for contacting SidellSez and the best of luck to you!

Sidell

Dear Melissa,

I would imagine that the commandment to “love thy neighbor as you love yourself” is surely a challenge in your mind at this point in time. I think anybody would find fault in your neighbors bad behavior. Yes, it’s enough to “piss off a Preacher” isn’t it?

You stated, in your letter, “

How do we deal with this lonely, angry woman?” so it appears to me that you are able to see things from different perspectives, i.e., that she is lonely and angry. It also sounds like you and your husband are reasonable people faced with an unreasonable neighbor.

I suppose there are a couple of different ways to deal with this woman, one of which is steering clear of her in hopes that she’ll just settle down as you settle in. She is evidently territorial, not to mention vindictive and at this juncture she may just simply be letting you know loud and clear that she’ll not take any abuse of her rights and/or property lines, real or imaginary.

You can pick which one suits you or rather which one you can bear to approach. The first idea might be a “Do Over” line of attack. Possibly you could take over a homemade item such as cookies or something similar and establish that the two of you got off on the wrong foot. You could also acknowledge that you respect her as well as her property and will try to be mindful of such.

Now I realize you’re probably a bit miffed by her behavior and as such may be a tad bit apprehensive about”sucking up” to such a hateful persona. But you do get, “More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar.”

If this line of attack is palatable, in thought but not in reason, you might write a note to the effect of how you would like to “turn over a new leaf” per say, making sure that you mention the fact that you’ve never ever had problems with neighbors before and you certainly do not wish for it now. Then ending it with the question, “…and how can we resolve this to your satisfaction?,” may bring forth some semblance of satisfaction.

By writing this note, making it clear that you realize that she’s obviously been burned by someone who’s lived there before you, it will then possibly validate her fears but also make her aware that you, her new neighbor are not like your predecessors and will most certainly treat her just as you’d want to be treated.

Now the ball is in her court and she just might have to look at her, more than obvious asinine behavior.The methodology behind this may be to let her know that you do realize that it’s quite possible that, for better terms, she may very well be carrying some emotional baggage, real issues she’s dealt with in the past by neighbors that did not treat her with due respect.

If this does not work, I’ll welcome you to write us again and we’ll be more than happy to hash this out with you.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Matthew 22:36-40

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Play House

Write Aunt B and ask your question at mzbabz@comcast.net

Dear Aunt B,

I am 28 with 2 young girls, a 2 and 3 year old! I married my high school sweet heart when I was 20. We seperated in August because we were both living seperate lives and had cheated on eachother… UGH! I met a wonderful man since then that is great with my girls and is awesome to me. We are engaged to be married in September!!! The dress is bought, the flowers, the reception hall… everything! But my divorce isn’t supposed to be final until June. The problem is… my ex wants me back really bad and exclames that he is a changed person… and he wants to raise our girls together… The “new guy” does have some habits and lifestyles that I find quite repulsive… but nothing I can’t get over… he is a great guy…
I would really love to raise my girls with their daddy that I really do still love and have feelings for but don’t know if I can risk being hurt again and losing a wonderful guy like the “new guy”
HELP!!!!

Dear Reader,

Okay. You definitely need to break up with your current guy, because you are *clearly* in love with your ex, and it is not fair for you to do this to him, to yourself or to your kids.

I know that you are scared of making a poor choice… but the worst thing you could do is get married when you do not love someone. Add to that your love of another and you are walking into disaster.

You need to be on your own for awhile to figure out where your heart is. “The new guy”, if he is as great as you make him sound, deserves to be loved wholly, not because he appears to be a better choice. And YOU deserve the same!

I honestly don’t know what else to say here. If you ignore this, I am positive things will get really bad, really quick, and there will be a lot of hurt people.

I wish you the courage to follow your heart.

~Xmichra.

Dear Reader,

I have to warn you; I shoot from the hip and I will tell you what and how I feel, OK?

Somehow I have the distinct feeling that you are in such need and willing to “play house“ that you stand to lose all in the end. Now mind you, this is not abnormal especially when women have been programmed for all eternity to marry and be the good lil wifey, etc. etc. and as I mentioned before, “play house.”

My concern is that you are jumping from the frying pan into the fire by over looking and I quote, “repulsive” behavior. That’s a pretty harsh word to over look much less the behavior that might accompany it. And I am simply stating the obvious.

My advice to you is to slow down for just a hot minute. I don’t care if you have bought the dress, paid for this and that, so on and so forth, a fine example of why you should never put a price on happiness.

I’d truly like you to re-evaluate your stance in all this and really ask yourself, one important question; For real, who are you truly in love with or are you settling for something, someone, anything, anyone? What is your hurry, that is the next question?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Easy Dynamic

Write Aunt B and ask your question at mzbabz@comcast.net

With Aunt B’s Answer

Dear Aunt B,

On your website you said nothing is taboo and that’s why I will feel a bit more comfortable telling you this. I’m a 26 year old woman. I have a close knit family whom I love very much. I have an uncle who was in prison for 18 years that we as a family would go visit every weekend for years. We had a very good relationship during those years. He was released two years ago and our relationship has changed. Last October, our relationship turned sexual and has been that way since then. He would send me texts saying how he wanted to have sex with me since I was 16. At first I thought it was a crazy joke, he was in prison a long time. That started in March. Now let me say I thought the world of my uncle when I was 16. He always talked to me and gave me advice and listened to me. My father wasn’t around so he was the next best thing but better because I could talk to him about things I couldn’t with my mother. I never knew he felt that way about me. I admit I got curious after a while but I never really thought it would happen. When it first started it was just sex, but me like a dummy started to have feelings 5 months in. I told him I wanted to stop because of that and he ignored it. Him and I both have had other partners him a lot more than me I’m sure. He tells me I’m better than his other ladies. He gets jealous when I mention another man. He tells me that I’m perfect and that if our situation was different he would marry me. He gets butterflies when he sees me. He loves holding me. Now another woman is pregnant by him and it hurts me. I’ve been in this situation where I was cheated on and the other woman got pregnant three times before. I got really upset. We weren’t exactly careful and if it wasn’t for plan B I would b pregnant by him. He tells me he doesn’t want to stop. He even asked me if I wanted a baby and said he loved me one time since I found out. Now I know that his words are BS but I guess it wore me down after all this time and I feel stupid for allowing myself to have feelings for him. I don’t know where they came from. I don’t understand why he wanted me in this way. I certainly didn’t plan on this. It really was just sex in the beginning and I didn’t want or ask for anything beyond that. But he keeps coming up with these type of comments. Even though I feel like I’m in love with him, which sounds completely insane, I understand there is no good coming out of this situation especially for me. I want help with how to push emotion to the side and get out of this situation. Signed, Going Crazy Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dear Reader,

In the interest of helping you, really helping you, I need to tell you that you need to seek a professional for the resolve to your question. Not because you are crazy, but because you will need to talk this out for awhile before you can feel that you have fixed this situation. You are right, this is a complicated situation, and one that I feel shouldn’t be answered in a quick gut answer format.

I can tell you what *I* would do. So I am telling you to please get help from a professional. You do need it. There are so many things at work in this one small glimpse of your story.

I will go into this, a little, because I am afraid that you will not seek help. I am afraid you will not seek help for fear of judgment of *who* the man is, and having the rest of your feelings cast aside because of it. And I know there are plenty of professional people out there who get a bad rap, but a good one worth their salt, wouldn’t make you feel that way at all. A good therapist will address the whole of this situation, and go through all your feelings and how to overcome them. So please, again, do seek help.

It doesn’t sound insane to me that you feel that you are in love with this man. It actually makes total sense that you think you feel this way. It makes sense that you are feeling betrayed. It makes sense that you are feeling cast aside. It makes sense that you are angry. Do not feel stupid, you are making sense. Regardless of *who* the guy is, anyone would feel angry and be asking exactly what you have been asking.

The problem that I see is that he has preyed upon you since you were very young, and he will continue to do so. I am sorry to hear this story, and even sorrier for the pain this will cause you. But you need to step away, and you need to get help. Have you told your parents about all this? I am guessing not given the circumstances. I am not sure if saying anything to them right now would be helpful, because I don’t know your parents. But if they are close to you (as you have indicated) and you trust them, I would suggest that you tell them and let them help you through all of this. You will need support.

Your situation isn’t the type where there is a simple solution. If I could have a piece of simplicity, I would encourage you to move on and forget this guy because he doesn’t love you. And I really wish it were that simple. But, I know it isn’t because of the nature of your relationship and the length of time this has evolved. So, again, I implore you to stop what you are doing all together with this man, and get help.

I wish I could answer this for you, and I wish that it were an easy dynamic. If you need help to seek a professional, please let us know (we will keep that off site).

~Xmichra.

With Aunt B’s Answer

Dear Going Crazy,

I am “tickled pink” that you wrote us as we appreciate our readers as well as those that ask the many questions that we get. You’re right; Nothing Is Taboo and we will discuss anything, if it is a serious question. What I mean by this is if someone truly wants an answer to a heart felt question and sometimes even that is debatable, we will try to accommodate them by answering as best as we can.

I do believe you are already aware of the “Social Stigma“that may be associated with your relationship with your Uncle. For all intent and purpose, some may even refer to it as Incest. And if you don’t mind, I’ll ask you to click on that link I just provided for you, for that particular word.You may then come to your own conclusion/resolution as to the definition of your situation.

Putting all this aside, even the nature of the your possible blood relationship, well, I have bigger fish to fry here. What I mean by this is rather plain and simple;

Your Uncle, I believe is using you in the name of love.

Now, you may write me after you’ve examined all of this and “read me the riot act” but I’d be willing to wager, you have some real *self-esteem issues. Yes, I’d also be willing to bet you are a bit over weight, feel rather ugly and have been very hard on yourself, most of your God given life. And I want it to stop…right here and right now. Yep, you damn skippy, I can see you and I do know.

You have such urgency to be loved and desired, (which are all normal human needs), that you are willing to put aside all the red flags, all the, shall I dare say; Wrong that has been done to you. And I’m asking you to slow down and take a long, hard look at how you’ve allowed yourself to be treated.

You are in good company when it comes to what people, even and including myself, well, just what we will do for love. And it’s all a matter of what we may choose to endure in the “name of love.”

I’m sorry to tell you, that although I do firmly believe that your Uncle has feelings for you, I also unflinchingly believe he’s been leading you astray and feeding you a line in order to have sex with you. Now, you can lie to yourself and/or sugar coat it all day long but I tell you all this because I want you to wake up and see the devastation this man has effected.

What Can You Do???

For starters, I want you to begin to assess your own, hidden self worth. It’s not hidden from the world just from you, apparently, when you look in the mirror. I think you may have forgotten what a wonderful personality as well as sense of humor you possess. The absolute best attribute you are blessed with is that undeniable “twinkle” in your eyes, especially when you are in a playful mood. You’ve not been playful as of late and that’s a shame. The spring in your step
has sprung. Hasn’t it?

I’d like to see you get your sense of self back. That playfulness that I spoke of will come back the sooner you see how wrong it was for your Uncle to do this to you. Yes, I said “do this” because you have been a victim of a man who took advantage of and did what it took to bed down a damsel in distress, someone who just wants to be loved.

Your answer, the beginning lies in you seeing all of this, peering into the looking glass with the realization that it is all as simple as you seeing yourself again, for the first time. Somewhat a riddle, I promise you that if you would ingest all that I have prescribed to you,

“He will come along. And he will tell you that ‘you have the most beautiful eyes he’s ever seen’.” (Bedroom Eyes)

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*Further Reading on Self Esteem;

Self Esteem – The Problem Behind All Problems
by Asoka Selvarajah, Ph.D

How Can I Improve My Self Esteem?
Reviewed by: D’Arcy Lyness, PhD

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 12:47 PM 3 comments Links to this post Labels: Nothing’s Taboo, Prison, Sexual Issues, Women’s Issues

You Want to Do What With $58 Million???

Commentary by Aunt B

And the Headline reads…
Government to condemn land for Flight 93 memorial

PITTSBURGH — The government will begin taking land from seven property owners so that the Flight 93 memorial can be built in time for the 10th anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attacks, the National Park Service said.

Read the Rest…

Commentary by Aunt B…

We did it to the Native Americans and you’d think by now we’d have matured enough not to do it again. Now, the Government is going to take land for a memorial for Flight 93.

I imagine if I owned land and the Government was trying to hand me a song and dance, you know less than the value for my land, I’d be pissed and would stall too. Yes, I’d probably hold out, calling their bluff…but it has backfired, I do believe.

They will now take the land they want, unless I’m not catching on to the exact thinking and reasoning in this whole affair. And it’s deplorable, sad and out and out outrageous.

In the first place, I will allow you to call me an asshole but I could never ever condone and sign my name to spending and I quote;

The seven property owners own about 500 acres still needed for what will ultimately be a $58 million, 2,200-acre permanent memorial and national park at the crash site near Shanksville, about 60 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.

Yea, call me an asshole, whatever but I could never spend that kind of money knowing that, in this economy when you have people living in tent cities, barely making it with that little bit of food stamps, having to send your kids to school to get the free breakfast and lunch, seniors barely able to make it and I could go on till the flippin cows came home, how in the hell can you justify spending $58 million dollars on a memorial? I have a heart but damn, it is insanity at it’s finest. Please explain it to me?

I read the news every morning. At least, at the very least, once a week, I read of someone who has killed his family and then himself because he’s lost his job and about to lose his home. I read of another drug bust of some young kid and…

MTV, I hold you in contempt, oh yes I do. You’ve lied to our youth and you’ve single handedly caused the down fall of thousands of young men, especially young black men.

“OMG Babz, what in the hell did you just say???”

This is my blog and I will say what I damn well please and hopefully speak the truth. And And And don’t f*n tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. Let me tell you, I lived for several years in Garfield and East Liberty, right in the ghetto’s of Pittsburgh. If that’s not enough for you, I also lived in “Crack Hill,” and “The Bottom” in Fredericksburg, Virginia, again, for years. Not enough? I lived around and scored my drugs in the ghetto’s in 5 States. I have an educated opinion and have been in the trenches.

It’s hard for anyone to get a job, not to mention young uneducated black men who already have one strike against them because of their color. They are brought up with the mindset that because they are black they’ll have no chance in hell to make it in this world. But look at Obama, would ya please?

They spend a good portion of the day watching MTV and they see all the Brothers with their Bling, their fast cars and their faster women. And they begin to believe that it is the definition of a successful black man, a for real Gangsta. No, you ain’t shit if you don’t have it; It being the clothes, the shoes, the jewelry to say the least.

MTV’s shows like “Cribs“ are good on one hand as they show what you can have if you can achieve, usually as a Rapper. But video’s set the standard. They are the catalyst, especially the ones that show life in the hood and how it’s supposed to be.

So how does a young black man get all that stuff when he can’t even get a job? He sells drugs, that’s what. And the examples that are set are of living a “Thug Life”, especially from video’s where Gangsta Rap are concerned. And it’s living a lie.

If you think I’m wrong, allow me to remind you that there are more black men in Prison for drug sales than just about anything else. If it’s not for drug sales, it’s for what I fondly call, “Crimes to Sustain.”

Are you wondering what I’m talking about when I say “Crimes to Sustain”? It is a crime that is done to get what you have and I don’t, what you have that I want to sell and sustain me or my lifestyle.

Go ahead, ask a black man why he’s in prison and it’s usually because he wanted a certain lifestyle he couldn’t get any other way…or so he thought and was taught. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a desire to dress nicely and I believe you should dress for success. But dirty deeds will never be rewarded. Crime does pay but only for a minute. Why doesn’t MTV teach that?

Why don’t the video’s show how it looks as they make you spread your cheeks and cough? Why don’t the video’s show how fucked up it feels to have to stand naked in a group when they do a Shakedown in Prison? And you ain’t going to get to wear your bling in there when you become just another inmate who believed the hype, the lies and alibi’s.

The Answer; An Incentive to Excel

$58 million dollars is a lot of money and so much good could be done with it. In memory of those that have died, those that were heroic that day, why not set up scholarships and grants that just might give someone, specifically minorities, a whole life of help. It’s like the old adage, “Give a man a fish and he eats well for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats well all of his days,” or something like that?

Yes, that’s a whole lotta love that could be spread, $58 million. For those that face life heroically every day living in the ghetto’s all across America, why not give them incentive to excel. I don’t mean little $1000 scholarships, I mean send them to school; College, Universities, Vocational, all expenses paid.

Blacks across America are doing and behaving, going to prison for and paying the price of and for a mindset of little to no choices. The funny thing is that this could be changed with this incentive to excel. But it must start at home, in school and when the child is young. He’s got to have a plausible dream, an attainable goal.

If a parent knows that they have a golden carrot, an opportunity afforded their children, they just might teach them that they have a chance. Right now misery and pain, seem to be passed down generation to generation. It’s predisposition, a precursor for disaster, over and over. This could be changed…

Knowledge is power. The implication of it all, the proposition of it in it’s entirety is endless. For a parent to be able to teach and tell their children that if he/she works very hard at getting good grades and staying in school, that they will have an amount of money set aside for them, specifically $58 million dollars, it will make a difference.

Do you even realize the difference this would/could make? Might you even surmise what a difference even half of that allocated money could do to really help? Let me just put it into perspective for you; Your crime rate will go down, the prison system will not be as over loaded as it is, your world as well as theirs will be a better place.

If I can see this, why can’t they?

Labels: Commentary by Babsbitchin, Flight 93, MTV, National Park Service, Pittsburgh

Doors of Communication

Write Ask Aunt B @ mzbabz@comcast.net

This is an Aunt B expose’

Saturday, April 25, 2009
Doors of Communication

Dear Reader’s,

As of late, I’ve found myself visiting the blogs of people, I don’t really know on the sidebars of some regulars I read. A lot of these blogs are about being the parent of a drug addict. So very sad.

And it occurred to me that God has blessed me with really being the only F***-Up in the family. What I mean by this is that while my daughter struggles with an addiction to Soma, my three sons really do not practice, note that word, “Practice” current and/or hard core drug use.

There’s no pat on the back for this because they watched as I shot up Heroin, drank whiskey shots like a seasoned Sailor and basically lived a life of every day crime.

Yea, I used to kid, “A Crime a day, keeps the Doctor away,” meaning I wouldn’t be dope sick if I committed some crime, scam, scheme, whatever it took to get my bundle of Heroin. And you can bet your ass, before I started doing heroin and was taking massive quantities of pills/opiates, I stole or wrote/forged Prescriptions for years to facilitate my habits as well as my husbands. I’m certainly not proud of this and as I write it, I could just puke.

If I’d tell you some of the rotten awful things I did, you’d probably say, “OMG Babz, you did not?” But I did and the past person I was, is a different person. I even changed my name from Barbara to Babz cause I’m not “her/Barb” anymore.

It saddens me though when I read some of the pain this Drug War has caused. And that’s exactly what it is, an all out War on and against, especially the juvenescence of today. This shit is taking your children hostage and promises to kill, harm or maim them for life. And of course, your life will never be the same.

First let me say that I don’t claim to know it all, hell I’m just recently beginning to realize this and am hell bent for leather to learn all sorts of sordid details. Not really, actually I want to know and learn, sew and say all the best I can in the time allotted me, left on this earth. I have a whole butt load of Karma, the good one, I need to replenish and give back. And I know Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ on a first name basis. I met her in Prison…

As I stood on that bridge, (another story in itself), ready to jump into the icy waters below. Here I was out, in the middle of a blizzard, no one on the roads, on the hunt for dope. I scored one bag but couldn’t do it because I had to walk home first and share that one bag with my SOB husband who divided it, giving him the bigger portion. It was barely enough to even get myself right much less the two of us.

Dope sick, barely able to stand, I threw my leg over the bridge railing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw headlights. This storm was so bad even the natives were nestled in, all except for me and this one man in his car. I remember being pissed, thinking, “WTF???,” as I put my leg back down. He slowed down, just as he came upon me. His passenger side window was down, the street lamp illuminating his face.

Now, I don’t know if you believe in Angels or not but I sure do…NOW! This old white haired man, scraggly and I even think he was missing some teeth, smiled so warmly, the smile actually embraced me. I can’t explain it. I fell on my knees in the snow. There was a “Silent Scream” only heaven could hear. My tears almost froze to my face as I begged God for forgiveness. I also begged Him to help me, “Please God, I can’t do this anymore, please help me?”

I didn’t even say what it was that I needed help with but He knew. I’d tried to get help at the Hospital and for one, they told me I wasn’t sick enough to be admitted to the Hospital. Secondly, they said that both my husband and myself could not be admitted at the same time to the same Rehab. The intake evaluator guy was a real dick and offered no solution.

Neither one of us would dare leave the other out to fend for ourselves, especially considering I was my husbands meal ticket, I did all the dirty work which, to this day he readily admits. But they had shot us down anyway, as I said stating that we weren’t sick enough. I remember thinking how much I hated that guy just about the same time as I fell off the curb, cracking my head open on the bumper of a taxi cab (which I couldn’t even afford to take at the time and had to walk) because I was so weak I could hardly stand.

The Gift???

Well, it wasn’t all shiny or wrapped up in a big Pink or Red Bow. And it sure as hell wasn’t pretty. But God gave me a wonderful gift…He threw me, lock, stock and barrel, right into jail and then onto to my 2 1/2 to 5 year State Prison venture. It took some time for me to realize “The Gift.” It took a hot minute before I wasn’t so pissed off that I could spit nails. It took even longer for me to come to a realization that God had saved my life by throwing my sorry butt into Prison.

Bitter or Blessed???

Yes, good ol’ Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ gave me time to think and think and think. I’d been sentenced up to 5 years of my life for something I didn’t do, I just couldn’t prove it from where I was sitting. That’s a whole other story in itself but suffice it to say, I WAS GUILTY just not for the exact crime listed on the Indictment!

I’d done so many awful, God forsaken things, I deserved to be exactly where I was, I actually deserved Life. But how does one garner wisdom amongst the best criminals, insanest, meanest, nastiest people this world has to offer? You study them and yourself, which is exactly what I did. I turned the whole experience around, flipped the script and did everything I could to learn from it.

I took special notes concerning the fact that most of the inmates were there because of drugs, drinking, drug sales. I studied them, their behavior and I listened intently to what they had to say. As well, I was given the opportunity to go into a six month In-House Rehab Program called New Beginnings, while I was incarcerated. You are pretty much sequestered during this extremely strict program. I worked that bitch like my life depended on it, (which it actually did)all the while going through intense Interferon Treatment for Hep C.

So by going to prison, I broke the chain of heroin abuse, I broke the chain of domestic abuse that I’d endured for more than a decade and I think I broke the chain of events that led up to and facilitated a lot of my killing my self slowly behaviors. I even think I may have learned to like myself again. And it was all a Blessing, big time.

Again, it took a while to understand the mechanics of it all but I realize that most people that go in to prison come out one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. Unfortunately, the majority come out real angry for having their lives disrupted and they’re surely not remorseful. In fact most are mad because they were caught.

For me, it was a time to stop and reflect, to learn and gain knowledge about myself as well as others; what makes them tick, what causes them to behave as they do and why do they continue in the same vein of unhappy addictions and addictive behaviors. These are all seen, in my eyes, as gifts.

I was also given a gift in the capacity to remember everything about how I felt and why I did things, especially concerning my teen years. I recall, collectively, what spurred me on to drugs-n-drinking. I now have the resounding collection of “Do Not’s” squarely fixed in my mind. If I was told;

Do Not Do Drugs
Do Not Drink
Do Not Have Sex
Do Not Share A Needle
Do Not Drink-n-Drive
Do Not Play With Guns
Do Not Go W/O Your Seat Belt…

I did it…and got addicted, got pregnant, got Hep C and on and frigin’ on.

Yes, it’s a gift that I can remember all this and have not burned out all my brain cells. I was in a really bad car accident(I was hit by two cars, drag racing, one head-on) when I was just 18. I had massive head trauma from going through the windshield. I was hurt badly enough they were going to put me in a Nursing Home. Besides the injuries that were visible, I had a terrible problem with short term memory loss.

My long term memory was not affected and I can even remember playing in my crib, climbing out and finding a bottle under my crib that was sour. I can also remember going for long walks with my Mom, in the stroller. To tide me over, my Mom would put chocolaty “*Metracal” in my bottle. It was a popular a diet drink back in the early sixties. The thing is, my Mom, who proudly exclaimed she followed the orders of “Dr. Spock” had me off the bottle by 18 months old. This means that I have memories of and before I was 18 months old.

The point is that, painful as it might be, I remember how I felt about things, especially as a teen. I mean, I can remember how hurt I was by the comments of boys like when they called me “Boobie Barbara” in 6th grade. As well I distinctly remember how I felt that I could not go to my Mom and Dad to talk about my personal problems and complexes, notable to a teen with such low self-esteem as I had. I felt fat and ugly, fueled by comments innocently spewed(I hope?) by my own Mother.

I was certainly not able to talk about sex and such. They were either too busy chasing the American Dream or had too many hang-ups themselves about personal issues. My own Mom was mean, hateful and beat the livin’ shit out of me on a daily basis. It’s no wonder I sought love in all the wrong places. They were “Unapproachable.”

The best advice I could give to any parent is to be aware of the doors of communication. Are they closed? That’s when you seem unapproachable or maybe you’re too busy with work and your children don’t feel they can come and talk to you about anything and everything. This is the exact spot, the very pinpoint to the beginning of the end.

See, when your kid can’t come to you and ask you anything or talk to you about what’s going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly or you down play their emotions and you can bet your ass they have them, that’s when the problems begin. Now they’re going to go to their friends for advice and that sense of family. That’s when your daughter is going to seek counsel, love, whatever from some older guy.

You have to realize that their emotions run the gambit from desires to be older to emotional immaturity as in holding onto childhood behaviors. One day they’ll seem and believe that they’re all grown up while the next they’ll do something very childish and immature. But the thing you have to remember is that this is their emotions and they are really real.

You can not leave it up to the school system to raise your child. As well, you can not leave it up to the school system to teach your child about sex and drugs either. While D.A.R.E. is a good program, parents, you’ve still got to sit down with your kids and *talk to them about drugs, drinking, sex, peer pressure, cyber bullying, internet predators and unfortunately you’ve got to let them in on the very worst secret of all; That it is not all lollipops and cotton candy out there. There are people in this world that can and will harm them.

Do You Know Them???

Note the word “Talk.” Now, when you speak to your child, of course, you want to command respect. If you want a rapport with your children though you’ve got to be mindful of these doors of communication and are they open, always open, 24/7? And do you speak down to them? Speak over them? Speak above them?

The big question of the day is this; Do you really, really know your child? Does your child have a secret side for fear of chastisement, punishment or retribution? Do they have that secret side because you might not understand?

I don’t claim to be the sharpest peanut in the turd but I will say, if nothing else, I am observant. I see parents all the time, especially Mothers who treat their teens as equals, as a friend and are almost fearful of disciplining their child, expressly their adolescent children. These are quite often the Moms who want to be the “Cool Mom” on the block. They tend to look the other way rather than deal with the ginormous monstrosity that is their child.

I know all this because I was that Mom who wanted to be the “Cool Mom.” And because of my own addictive behaviors and thinking, I allowed my own kids to get high, in the bathroom, in my own home. I also taught my children all the finer things in life where it concerns being a good criminal.When they busted me, it was front page news and the headline read, something like, “Busted; Ma Barker & Her Boys.” I was shackled to my youngest son, for God’s sake. Does it get any badder than that?

“Let Go & Let God”

For those parents that have kids already down that road, going down Addiction Alley, I pray that you will find calm assurance and realize the power of prayer. I’ll pray that you see that you’ll have to allow them to fall before they can ever climb up. This is one of the absolute hardest things a Mom can go through because we can’t stand for our children to hurt. But the thing is, they’ve got to feel the burn, they’ve got to know that no one, short of God is going to save them. They’ve got to feel the repercussions of their actions or they’ll continue to carry on, every day, in the same way. You’ve got to stay in prayer and allow them to hit their own personal bottom, now, before it’s too late.

Open 24/7

If you are a parent of a pre-teen or teenager, I hope you will see the relevance of and awareness of those doors of communication, that I mentioned before. And I want you to take a long hard look at what is really important in this life; Is it that American Dream you keep chasing? You know the one where you think that both of you need to work over time to keep that second SUV in the garage, have a t.v. in every room, give your kid the best of the best, a cell phone, computer and on and on. But check this out: You work over time to get all this crap that you must ask yourself, “Do I really need all this to define happiness?”

Yes, you have to work over time and then you feel guilty for it so you think you’ll compensate your kid by buying them all the things you didn’t have growing up. But for real, what they need is YOU, not all this BS you work so hard to get.

The pitch line here is this; Parents, your children need you. Are you really there for them? Do you really know your child?

Hypethetically Speaking;

Did you know that a 23 year old guy is talking to your daughter, online and treats her all grown up and tells her how he desires her so badly?
(He wants to meet her and is trying to talk her into it. She’s scared but wants to be desired by somebody, anybody. She believes she’s ugly so she’s just ecstatic because somebody has taken an interest in her.)

Did you know that your son has been driving around with his pals, getting drunk in order to fit in with the rest of the football team?
(I mean he just wants to be accepted but he’s playing with death)

Did you know that the reason your daughter is so thin is because she’s Anorexic?
(Yea, she was a bit chubby and the kids made fun of her, especially the boys)

Did you know that your child’s failing grades are because she’s caught up with a group of girls, “The Stoners?”
(She was doing fairly well but because of her low self-esteem she wanted to be accepted into the cliche of girls, you know the bad ones who’ll steer her wrong. Those girls are not the prettiest or brightest so she feels safe amongst them because they really can’t put her down. She’ll start skipping school so she can hang out at that friends house who’s Mom, a single mother, is always at work and they can party at her house and not get caught)

There are so many, “Do You Know’s” you must ask yourself, about your child. And I could go on forever but suffice it to say, it’s preventive medicine if you try to get to really know your child, reach out to them and let them know that they have permission to come to you about anything, especially before they do it.

Take A Look!

Your kids are less apt to seek out that sense of family, if they are still getting it at home. Take A Look! If you want them to learn about this life’s ups and downs and why they should or shouldn’t do something, you’d better assume the role of parent and teach them yourself. Take A Look!

If you want them to understand that drugs-n-drinking just might take them down, you’d better teach them yourself. But it’s not good enough to simply say, “Now, don’t you do this or that.” No, you’ve got to explain why and a 5 minute talk on the subject is not going to do. You’ve got to explain how they can get out of the situation if they are offered drugs or any illicit behavior.

Your best bet is to arm yourself with an understanding of addiction and addictive behaviors. I suggest you study all you can on the subject so you may be armed with an educated opinion on the subject.

Teaching them to “Just Say No to Drugs” is not enough. What I mean by this is while the school system teaches them some on the subject, they don’t know your child, what makes them who they are and what might cause them to turn to drugs/drinking. That is a question you must ask yourself before it happens. That is pertinent to you and your child and something you must face together.

Don’t make the stupid mistake of assuming that your child will never mess around with drugs and/or drinking. It’s safer to say that they will be faced with it and just telling them to, again, “Just Say No to Drugs” is not enough. You’ve got to delve into the subject, the meat of the whole shabang. And that entails letting them know, showing them what happens when you play with fire; you will get burned.

Your best stance, to take might be to let them know that getting high is an escape they may never be able to escape from. Tell them that if they do have an addictive personality and they do try drugs, it will ruin their lives. Notice that I didn’t say “might ruin their lives.” Drugs will most certainly place your kid on the road of self destruction. They’ve got to know why it’s so dangerous to try; They may think they love it, need it and will then do anything to get it. That’s the truth of the matter.

Speak to them now, before it’s too late!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*1950s through the ’70s:

Metracal was the first weight-loss shake product, adapted from baby formula by Mead Johnson
Nutritionals. It was wildly successful. The company also marketed Metracal cookies. Metracal is now off
the market.
Source; Whatever Happened To…
History of Diets

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 3:24 PM
Labels: Anorexia, D.A.R.E., Doors of Communication, Drugs, Drugs and Drinking
Reactions:

The Fresh Air Fund

Editor’s Note; I received the following email from Sara Wilson in the Media Dept for

The Fresh Air Fund

It looks to me like a wonderful opportunity for inner city kids and here at Ask Aunt B, we stand behind anything that might make it better for today’s youth. If you read this, I hope you’ll visit the website and possibly donate or find a way to get involved.

From: Sara Wilson Date: 04/14/09 13:33:51 To: mzbabz@comcast.net Subject: Please help a child this summer

Hi

I would like to ask for your help with getting the word out on Ask Aunt B with an issue I thought you and your readers would care about. The countdown to Summer has begun and The Fresh Air Fund is in need of host families. Host families are volunteers who open their hearts and home to a child from the city to give them a fresh air experience. I’ve set up a social media news release which explains everything, so please feel free to use any of the images, logos, videos, etc:

http://freshair-newsrelease.com/

Please let me know if you are able to post and if you have any questions.

Thank you so much,

Sara

–

Sara Wilson,

The Fresh Air Fund

www.freshair.org

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar

Dear Aunt B,

We have recently rented a very nice house for a decent price, and we love it. There is very little we would change if we bought this house, we are close to work, family, stores, and we only really have one neighbor to our property because of road frontage, railroad tracks, and a gully behind. The house is almost perfect, and the rent and utilities so far are not that high. The only problem is our neighbor. There is a row of bushes between our properties, and in cleaning the yard we had lined up branches and logs from the winters storm on our side of the bushes. She came knocking on our door, yelling at my daughter that the limbs are on her property and she wanted us to move them, my husband went to the door, and politely asked her what was wrong, and she was making snide remarks about us facing trespassing charges if we didn’t move them. He said “I’ll call Jerry (the landlord), thank you, ma’am” and he shut and locked the door. We told the landlord what she said and the landlord looked at where we put the limbs and said that he saw no problem, and that the bushes were on the line. Then about a week later she got mad again and was fussing about the trash can my daughter sat it a few inches over into her yard and she made us move it. Now, my husband has caught her raking limbs onto the back of our property, when he said something to her she said it would be best if he just went back inside.
We have always been friendly with neighbors and are used to people who you can share garden veggies with and talk to every day on the way to the mailbox. How do we deal with this lonely, angry woman? She is elderly, lives alone and rarely comes out, and hires people to do lawn work and such, I think.

Dear Reader;

I have lived next to people like this (and they were not elderly, just ornery!) and unfortunately the answer is this: leave it be.
Make sure you know where your property begins and ends, and respect those limits. Some people are, for whatever reason, very compulsive about every centimetre of their property, especially when they have to defend it in the past. You rent this property correct? My guess is that this lady has had several neighbours and has learned over time to “draw the line” nice and early so there is no room for miscommunication. Really has nothing to do with you personally..

You never know, maybe if you respect her wish (in respecting her property) and you live there a little while, she might come out of her shell and become a little more neighbourly.

Hope you enjoy your house, regardless of the neighbour.

~ Xmichra

Hi M******,

Isn’t it always true that just when everything seems perfect, a pricker gets in our way! Well, I know how hard it can be to have neighbors who are difficult. Two things come to mind, first, how lucky you are that this is just one person to deal with. The second thing is, that this old woman may feel threatened by a young family moving in. She may know, that some young people treat the elderly with disrespect.
My advice to you is to give her a chance. Be nice to her, despite her aggressive behavior to you, for it might be out of fear. Show her that you don’t mean her any harm, and in fact truly want to be neighborly. She may come around, and then you can build some sort of trust, as a neighbor. And, if things really do not get any better, a bad neighbor can be less of a reason that some people do end up moving!
I hope this helps!

Thanks for contacting SidellSez and the best of luck to you!

Sidell

Dear Melissa,

I would imagine that the commandment to “love thy neighbor as you love yourself” is surely a challenge in your mind at this point in time. I think anybody would find fault in your neighbors bad behavior. Yes, it’s enough to “piss off a Preacher” isn’t it?

You stated, in your letter, “How do we deal with this lonely, angry woman?” so it appears to me that you are able to see things from different perspectives, i.e., that she is lonely and angry. It also sounds like you and your husband are reasonable people faced with an unreasonable neighbor.

I suppose there are a couple of different ways to deal with this woman, one of which is steering clear of her in hopes that she’ll just settle down as you settle in. She is evidently territorial, not to mention vindictive and at this juncture she may just simply be letting you know loud and clear that she’ll not take any abuse of her rights and/or property lines, real or imaginary.

You can pick which one suits you or rather which one you can bear to approach. The first idea might be a “Do Over” line of attack. Possibly you could take over a homemade item such as cookies or something similar and establish that the two of you got off on the wrong foot. You could also acknowledge that you respect her as well as her property and will try to be mindful of such.

Now I realize you’re probably a bit miffed by her behavior and as such may be a tad bit apprehensive about”sucking up” to such a hateful persona. But you do get, “More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar.”

If this line of attack is palatable, in thought but not in reason, you might write a note to the effect of how you would like to “turn over a new leaf” per say, making sure that you mention the fact that you’ve never ever had problems with neighbors before and you certainly do not wish for it now. Then ending it with the question, “…and how can we resolve this to your satisfaction?,” may bring forth some semblance of satisfaction.

By writing this note, making it clear that you realize that she’s obviously been burned by someone who’s lived there before you, it will then possibly validate her fears but also make her aware that you, her new neighbor are not like your predecessors and will most certainly treat her just as you’d want to be treated.

Now the ball is in her court and she just might have to look at her, more than obvious asinine behavior.The methodology behind this may be to let her know that you do realize that it’s quite possible that, for better terms, she may very well be carrying some emotional baggage, real issues she’s dealt with in the past by neighbors that did not treat her with due respect.

If this does not work, I’ll welcome you to write us again and we’ll be more than happy to hash this out with you.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Matthew 22:36-40

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Intuition Is More

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, O.k, this is just a bit wierd, but any help would be very much appreciated, as I am very much the agony aunt of my friends, but from whatever way I look at this, I can’t find a solution.

I am currently with a fantastic guy, he loves me, and I truly think we are soulmates, we were finishing eachothers sentences when we had only just met, and continue to baffle our friends and relatives with our ability to be on the same wave length. He knows what I want with out me having to hint or anything, as if he can read my mind. It’s great

However, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about his ex girlfriend…I know. It’s weird. They didn’t go out very long, and they are still close friends, he has always been open about there friendship, I know for a fact, nothing would ever happen between them again. Ever, they have both moved on. He has said he feels like he ‘messed her up’ which, as he thinks the world is on his shoulders, I know he feels like he has to help her whenever he can as a result, (especailly as she has a tendency to burden him with her issues). I am generally a secure, none obbsessive or jelous person. Although I once had a dream where he kissed her infront of me and acted completly out of character to normal life, it really upset me, but it was so surreal, does this mean anything? I really don’t get it, I can’t help thinking where she is and what she does. I just want to stop thinking about this. It’s stupid. I know it’s natural to feel uneasy about the one you love having been with someone else, but he’s really comfortable telling me anything about it, and I know if he knew, he’d say: that’s crazy, I love YOU, she’s just a mate…so why am I loosing sleep over this? …on some level I think it may be because I could never imagine myself being such close friends with some one I went out with, maybe I just don’t understand. I dunno. She was also snide an cold towards me the first couple of times I met her, and seems to only of just come round to being friendly…in fact she said I was awesome the last time we were all together. So why can’t I stop thinking about her?? PLEASE help. So confused :S

Thank you.

Dear Reader,

Thanks for posting your question. I am from the old school of thought, that intuition is more than it seems to be. In other words, you evidently harbor some doubt about your boyfriend’s loyalty to you, in regard to this ex girlfriend you speak of. So, perhaps you have a reason to feel this way. My advice to you is that you stop doubting yourself and cease putting yourself down over it. It’s best to be open about your feelings, and see what transpires in the days to come. I think your questions, in time, will be answered that way.

I hope this helps, and thanks again, for asking advice…………….

SidellSez


Cont’d…

I will also answer this asap…
Sorry for the delay in answering you.

Dear Reader,

The title to this post speaks volumes, for one. Always rely on your Intuition and it will never steer you wrong.

I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of women would most certainly side with you. The point to make is simple; Would your current fella want you doing the same thing with one of your ex’s?

My own Intuition tells me that this woman is not to be trusted and I can actually see her taking great pleasure in the fact that she still has your man wrapped around her little finger.I somehow feel she uses his kindness, his gentle nature and without him even realizing it, she plays head games in her twisted ploy to keep him in check. And you can tell him I said so.

Having said that, my advice to you would be to simply sit him down and let him know that this entire situation makes you uncomfortable. I believe you when you say it’s not a matter of jealousy. However, your fella needs to understand that it’s just not proper no matter how adult we want to act, especially if their relationship was of a sexual nature.

You explain to him that it’s also not a matter of trust, as you trust him…it’s her that you can not define…it’s her that you don’t trust. That is human nature. He could reassure you till the cows come home but yet again, you don’t know her like he knows her, which by the way says it all.

My suggestion is a campaign to begin distancing himself from her. I know this much; If I told my man that the whole damn thing makes me uncomfortable, is a thorn in the side of your good relationship then I do believe he needs to heed the warning. And it’s not an unreasonable request.

Her life is her life and the time has come for them to part ways. He has done what he has done out of guilt. She is taking advantage of the situation and his good nature. It needs to stop. She is extremely manipulating and I just happen to know she gets extreme pleasure out of making you uncomfortable.

In the event I am right, (and I’m betting that I am)don’t you think he needs to stop being used and abused and move on to a healthy and happy relationship with the one woman who loves him enough to have put up with this bozo bull, one who cares enough to have sought counsel in order to make it all work?

Now…I’m betting on you!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Be An Onion

Dear Aunt Babz,

Okay so this is my first time writing you but okay so there’s this guy who i’ve never been interested in, never found him attractive or anything. i met him once and i see him around school alot in between classes and at lunch but lately i’ve been really noticing him more and wanting to see him and talk to him. i don’t talk to him much either, just say hey in the hall but i never cared until recently. now when i see him i try to put on my cutest face and my best attitude when he says hey and the times when he doesnt i worry if he didnt notice me. i mean i think he notices me and looks at me and stuff like that but i dont know if thats just because i want him to. although i know if i were to like him itd be all too weird and he would never like me. heres the story, over winter break he had a bonfire and this was before i knew him and i was invited by a friend of his who i once liked so i went and there was alcohol and things happened and me and the friend of his that i once liked i wouldnt call it hooked up because we did nothing sexual just kissed alot and i totally regret it, i was going through alot then and i dont know why i did it but besides the point. i then started to talk to another friend who was there, we talked a little just as friends but i did start to like him but got over that, so im sure he would want nothing to do with me. but the thing is i dont know if i like him, all this came up so sudden and i dont know how to go about it. the thing with him too is that he’ll be real nice one day then act like i dont exist the next. im soo confused and i dont know what to do. can you help please?

Dear Reader ,

Guys in High School and even after that can be so fickle. First and foremost, appearances are everything to them. What I mean by this is that they are quite absorbed with how they might appear in front of their peers and especially their pals. If you look back at the times that he did not act like you were there, I’d be willing to bet that one or more of his pals were around.

I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my kids. I just recently had a long talk with one of my many daughter-in-laws(I already consider her part of the family), Gwen, who is engaged to my youngest son, Waylon. He’s not always considerate, I suppose and referred to her as his “Baby’s Mama.” She was hurt by it, his comment, when actually he meant no harm.

Gwen had also expressed a bit of dismay when he said something to the effect of, “Hey Woman” or “Hey Lady,” either of which I see no problem with. But she felt it was disrespectful. Now, I know that he meant no harm especially since he’s even calls me that, now and again. Now of course, being me, “Babz the Blab,” the one who knows all/sees all, guru of advice, told her what I am telling you now ;

Be An Onion

Aunt B, what the heck does that mean? Well my Dear, that means in order for you to make it in this life, you’ve got to take things less personally. You’ve got to be like an onion with it’s many layers.

Now, I’m not telling you not to have feelings, quite on the contrary. What I’m saying is that you’ve got to prioritize what’s important to feel and what’s not or rather what to take personally and what not to allow to devastate or affect you. It’s like this; if you can catch on to what I’m saying now, you’ll save yourself a lifetime full of heartache and pain.

I found through the years that I allowed people to own my feelings and even dictate how I felt about myself. I wasted many good years, overly concerned about and caring too often what people thought of me.

While it’s important to live by society’s rules and to be accepted, as we all strive for acceptance, you must be careful and calculating. I would encourage you to be cautious as to what or who you allow to influence you. Also, you must gauge what weight and merit you give as to what shapes who you really are.

I say this because, well, allow me to state that I certainly feel too much emphasis is placed and the wrong messages are sent concerning what our society feels is the norm or acceptable.

Commentary

Case in point, while we all wish to be fashionable, let me point out that the emphasis we place on how we are supposed to appear and what is defined as beauty is certainly questionable. This attitude affects you as well as just about every school age child/preteen/teen and young adult.

Yes, this logic that, i.e., the fashion industry fosters, a key player in our views of acceptability, tend to project and breed a rather dysfunctional mindset and way of thinking. Our perceptions of beauty, (society in large) are so distorted, it has literally ruled our actions for far too long. Personally, I hold them in contempt.

I have an extremely harsh view of an industry which knowingly encourages *Anorexia, although they’ll deny it all day long. It’s a well known fact that in order for these models to maintain their weight, they have to starve themselves. Once these girls have surpassed their prime and they find themselves, “Burned Out, Busted or Near Dead,” they often become*Bulimic.

This whole scenario makes me so angry, I could spit nails. See, because of your perceptions, because of what you see on T.V., magazines and in the movies, the youth today, as well as your peers have an almost sinful conceptualization of true beauty and appearance.

The point of the matter as well as how this applies to you is simple; I firmly believe if you “just be you, no matter what,” if he’s into you, he’ll notice when and if the time is right.

Keep in mind that, as I stated at the beginning of this post, guys are all about appearances. “Do I or will I look cool if I do this or that?” “Will I seem uncool if I wave at her?” “What will my friends think if I act like I like her?”

Guys have self-esteem issues too and often behave insecurely. If it’s not insecurity, you know, his behavior, then let me point out something; If this guy is shallow (and I’m not saying he is) or superficial enough that he can’t be himself and has to put up a front, you must examine if he’s the right guy for you?

I’ll welcome you to write me again.Possibly read this and search yourself as to what applies, where you can apply it, garner what you can. Then, let me know how things turn out, please?

Check out Dove’s “Campaign for Real Beauty“

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*Source; MamasHealth.com

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Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Planned Perseverance

dear aunt b,

several years ago you helped me with my depression, now i’m fully over it, thank you very much.

but the mail i’m sending you now is not for me, it’s about a friend of mine I want to help.

we are both in our senior years of school and we all applied to universities, and he while he had great grades didn’t get accepted in 4 of the 5.

this makes him school tired and he always leaves school in the afternoon, a centre that keeps up to date with the status of students sent him

a letter writing that if he would stay out several more days he could risk losing his high school degree. but now after the letter he keeps not returning to school.

I am school tired too but keep going to school to get my degree, how can I convince him to come to school or how can I motivate him.

I spoke to him allready about it and he said that it’s not a big deal.

aunt B, what do I have to do ?

sincerely yours,

Tim

Dearest Tim,

It’s the only reward we get, to hear from a past reader that we may have helped them. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing me and letting us know this. I won’t take credit for your upswing, only you can but know we are here for you.

I am so sorry for the delay in answering this. I imagine that the time has expired for your friend to poop or get off the pot. So, I imagine that all I can do is possibly console you?

What I mean is this; I would think that the situation your friend is in called for immediate action and even if I’d got right on it, the possibility is that it may have been too late? Or is it?

After re-thinking this, after prayer on my part…it’s never too late, even if you’re 90 years old to further yourself academically. As you know, it takes much perseverance.

Obviously, your friend is not able to envision what will happen if he does not persevere. I know at your age it’s not really easy to see what happens today is most certainly going to effect what tomorrow brings. And I know this because I can distinctly remember thinking how I couldn’t wait to get out of school. My priorities were so totally screwed up and I surely paid for my lack of focus.

Your friend will find himself in a long line of competitive job hunters, probably blue collar if he can not stop and re-think those priorities. That’s the facts Jack. Today’s job market is non too pretty and if you don’t have a degree, you will not get paid. Days are long gone where a guy could muddle through, without college much less a High School diploma.

In my 50 years on this earth, I have never seen a job market such as this. People are finding themselves in deep poo poo when looking for a job, in all fields short of Medicine and possibly Computers. Now, I don’t claim to be an employment analyst but it is an observation that unless you have that planned perseverance I spoke about, you will not make in this life.

Although we don’t want to be a party pooper, my suggestion to you would be to allow your friend to read this letter. Possibly send him the link. I also don’t want to be a wet blanket but I will tell it like it is;

“What you do in the next few years is going to make or break you. If you do not buckle down and apply yourself it is going to shape the rest of your life. The idea of just making do, muddling through this life, come what may is a fatal attempt at predicting the future…your future. And for the rest of your natural born life, you will simply muddle through.

You will have to re-invent yourself and begin to prioritize your life, right here and right now. If you are tired, get more sleep. If you are tired because you stay out half the night or better yet, sit in and game till it’s the wee hours of the morn, you need to realize that you are going to pay for it. You need to see that right now is the most important time of your life and will shape your future, believe it or not.

If you are having problems with school, i.e. you just don’t get it or a certain subject, then you must embrace that fact and ask for help. Don’t just give up or give in. No, take that bull by the horns and own it. If this is the problem, asking for help, then you must put your pride aside or pay for that pride. In other words, allow me to exemplify the obvious; You can be a man with too much pride and never ask for help or be a man of wisdom because you were not too big to look for available resources, tools that help. After all, a man is only as good as his tools right?”

I invite your friend to write me and tell me what the real deal is. I’d also like to point out the fact that he has a truly good friend in you, one who cares enough to write, once again, using the resources available. I am more than willing to help your friend and point out the way to empower his life. This is not a lost cause, it is simply a case of prioritizing and perseverance. I can get a better handle on the situation if I know the complexities of his personal situation.

Please tell your friend to write me, OK? As well, I am so pleased to hear from you and wish you only the very best life has to offer!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

The Strong One

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x

Dear Love struck and Unsure x,

The first thing that comes to my mind is to tell you to never change who you are to please anybody. Now, there’s not a thing wrong with brightening up the package but I encourage you to continue to be you.

As well, I see nothing wrong with you liking this guy, even if his Dad is dating your Mum. I don’t encourage it for a few reasons though. For one, if your Mum breaks up with his Dad, it may make it hard on you, on your relationship. And just as it might go the other way, where as your Mum might become serious with this fella, that scenario as well could present problems.

What I mean is the fact that if your Mum were to marry this guy, the guy you like would then become your step-brother. Then, it might be frowned upon because he then becomes family. It is not the first time this has happened and in fact, before my own step-brother became family because his Dad married my Mom, I had a crush on him. It then made it pretty weird and I no longer pursued anything more than friendship.

So these are a few things you should consider. Think it through and remember “there are millions of fish in the sea.” What that means is that I would encourage you to realize that there are so many guys in the world for you to choose from, maybe you should not get involved with this one?

Now, if you feel you absolutely must because, as you said, “I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate.,” you’ll have to keep in mind that this could open a whole can of worms, possibly making it difficult for all those involved. This is a decision only you can weigh or make.

The next thing I want to address is that you called yourself, “Frigid.” I think you are far from that, I can just tell. I happen to believe that you were just not interested in any one guy up to this point. So don’t be so hard on yourself.

Girls your age are often more mature than guys your age. It’s a fact that for the most part, girls mature quicker than boys, too. But it’s a truly wonderful age, one I enjoyed myself. I can also remember being sooooo in love with a certain guy and then the next week, viewing him as a complete dork and I’d wonder what did I ever see in him. Mark my words, you’ll find yourself in the same situation.

At this age, you can be quite wishy washy, in love one minute, out of love the next. It’s normal. Hormones run rampant and it’s usually a time of exploration. You want to experience everything, especially what is considered “adult” stuff. And at 13 you find yourself wanting to be all grown up.

But being all grown up comes with so many disadvantages. If I could give you any advice it would be to not rush things. At this age, you already feel grown up, you might even believe you know it all. I know I did and I rushed towards doing all the adult things, if you will; Sex, Drugs and all the things that are supposed “adult” things.

I wrote about it here and I hope you will take the time to read it;

“Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life”

Growing up sucks, being an adult is so over rated. I implore you to at least read my answer to another teen as is a bit part of my story.

I can tell that you are a wonderful young lady, bright and bubbly, a bit misunderstood but one who stands firmly if you believe in something strongly enough. Yes, you are still a bit of a tomboy, so am/was I and I encourage you, as I stated before, to just be you.

Normally, you are never concerned with what people think of you. Suddenly because you like this guy, you want to change who you are. Be yourself at all times.

I see that right now, you are not sure who you are. You are still trying to figure this out. Let me tell you what I see;

(In the Zone)

“I see a young girl who has extremely strong values and beliefs. You are pretty and this is not even an ‘Ugly Duckling’ story. You can be hard on yourself which is good if it is about getting things done, i.e. homework and such. It is bad if you continue to be so harsh about your own looks. You have to keep in mind that right now, it is an awkward stage/age. You will grow out of all this and become the beauty that you can not see just yet. Continue to stand for the ‘underdog’ as you tend to do. All this will serve you later. You as well as your life will be successful if you do not lose track of what is important. I can see that if you fall into the pattern of putting things off, it will catch you un-awares. I can also see that you will have a problem with addiction if you do not say ‘NO’ loud and clear. Be proud that you march to a different drummer. You will always be the one your peers look up to if you continue to be strong. You are a leader, even though you can not see it. They do/will look up to you and you must be the strong one. See, you will and can affect so many lives if you use this strong backbone that you do/will have. If you remember that they are watching and looking to you for answers, if you continue to think things through before you do, it will serve you all the days of your life. It will also help countless others.“

You have so much to offer and you must remember this!
Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 12:35 PM

A Good Reason

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Dear Aunt Babz,

Of lately everything that could go wrong has.. Ranging from a love triangle between my parents and another partner to the demise of what is supposed to be one of the happiest of moments. As of now I’m 18 years old still in high school and I got a great job at a dental tech lab. I also have a wonderful fiancée who is just as stressed as I am.

To start from the beginning of the mess, lets begin with me parents. There has been a very strange relationship between my mom and step dad and my moms partner Vickie. It seems almost every three months my mom switches around who she wants to be with and results in repacking what I just unpacked and move. So far we have moved between 2 houses at least 6 times. Because of this there has been a sense of insecurity always with me not knowing were im going to be sleeping the next day. I cant move out due to the fact im in school and because i don’t want to leave my mother do to the fact that she is for the most part blind. She has a eye disease called stargarts which is the deterioration of the retinas in your eyes. I feel trapped obligated to take care of her. Don’t take me wrong I love my mother its just I want to live my own life.

To add on to things my fiancé’s parents did a complete 180 on what the told me…

In a way im am partial to tradition so I asked Kelly’s parents for there blessing which they did give me along with the talk. But when the time came around in which I asked Kelly her parents flip flopped on us and gave the exact opposite reaction we were expecting. Both and me and Kelly were hurt by this and have no clue why they reacted so. I know we are still young but we have been best friends for 5 years and together for 2 years and in my opinion she is the one. A lot of people say we are to young but 9 times out of ten so were they including Kelly’s parents. All I wanted was for them to be happy for us but that doesn’t likely to happen. We even told them we were going to wait a year after high school to get more established but that wasn’t good enough.., they wanted us to wait three.

Also her parents control her life and what she does 9/10 out of the time and give her little independence. I keep on trying to get her to spread her wings but they are bounded by her parents controlling influence.

I am very sorry that this is most likely a wii bit scattered but any advice on these problems would mean the world to me and and Kelly.

Sincerely,

Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I consider it a gift, this thing I have? I prefer to call it, “The Art of Intuitiveness.” I wish like hell I’d paid attention to it, through out my life but more often than not, I didn’t listen.

I can look back and see that in every instance where I did a dumb thing, took the wrong turn, made the wrong choice, I was told not to do it. Of course, I did it anyway.

We live, we learn and then hopefully, we laugh like hell about it. You have the gift as well, did you not know? You must learn to listen, fine tune it, reign it in and begin to use it to your advantage. My gut instinct, what came to mind as I read your letter, were the words,

“All things happen, in your life, for a reason.
A Good Reason.”

It would serve you, all the days of your life, if you remember those words. Now, I’m quite sure your dilemma does not sit well with you, especially concerning the fact that you tried to do everything by the book, so to speak, only to be shot down. It’s liable to be frustrating, I would imagine?

Patience is certainly not a virtue in youth. For that matter, it is rare for most people to have patience, no matter the age. But I can only recommend that you find this virtue and remember that it won’t be long and you’ll be on your own. Or at least you’ll be of age and can make your own choices.

It’s easier said than done but if I were you I’d begin to concentrate on your short term goals, for the moment. Leave the long term goals alone, come what may.

I think it’s an honorable position for you to want to make Kelly your wife. I do believe because you did do everything right, by going to her parents and asking for her hand in marriage, it must have stung, even harder when they changed their position, right?

I think what I am trying to say, is to simply re-think your strategy. Once you graduate, in possibly, a few short months, you might re-approach things.

For now, as I stated before, look at the short term goals; Graduation etc. If you are going to stay at your present employer, as in, is this going to be your main source of income then you must ask yourself, if this will sustain you, can you make a living in this position.

Whether you realize it or not, time is on your side. Use this time wisely to scope out a plan of attack, for better words. What I am referring to is the fact that if you were to marry this lovely girl tomorrow, where will you both live? In this present position, do you make enough or will you, given the opportunity of full time employment as/at the dental tech lab?

Again, time is on your side and this will afford you to take things slowly. I do realize that you love her so much and want to plan out the rest of your lives together. But you also want to do it right. Why do you say this Aunt B?

Well, it’s a fact that those that rush into marriage or the ones that are thrown into the situation because of, perhaps, pregnancy, well, the divorce statistics speak for themselves. Now, I know you don’t/can’t foresee this every happening to you especially because you love her so very much. But shit happens and two people often grow apart. The chief reason that most people fight is, believe it or not; Money.

Now, I know for a fact that you, Mr. Tyler are rather intelligent and for the most part, you have thought this thing through. I don’t assume that you’ve not played the tape out, “This is Your Life,” from beginning to end. But when I say that time is on your side, the approach I want you to take is for a good reason; I want you to be afforded every advantage, no surprises and the makings of a wonderful life.

By planning things out, you will be on top of the program and better equipped to deal with those calamities. And they will come, I guaran damn tee ya. But this approach I am speaking of is going to work to your advantage. It’s just a matter of how you perceive things.

Take back, even if it’s in your own mind, control of your life. It really is a perspective, an exercise in empowerment to say to yourself, “Well OK, they told us to wait and I will use this to my advantage.” See, let go of being pissed off about it or being angry at your situation. By the way, your situation, the way your home life has unfolded, will steel you for your future. Yes, it all is happening for a good reason!

See, the strategy I am looking at is you have to realize the “what if’s,” of your future situation. What if Kelly gets pregnant? Even if you are not planning a pregnancy, even with birth control or a condom, accidents happen. This changes the variables tremendously and you must be ready.

The hardest thing, in this life, is to find out that your partner, who you thought you knew, does not handle, very well, the slaps that life hands out. You must calculate the unforeseen, the element of unknown, the monkey wrench in the works.

I know you want it all to happen right here, right now. Good grief, you love Kelly so much that every minute apart is painful. She feels the same way about you, you are her best friend, which by the way is the best thing you’ve got going for you.

Just for the record, the longest lasting relationships are/were ones where the couple were friends first. Where they planned out their future,

There is a longer list for the least lasting relationships.
That list goes on and on, primarily starting with situations where money issues were prevalent, it being the number one reason for break-ups and divorce. I believe the next might be where two people, so in love, they tested the waters, had sex, got pregnant only to find they weren’t ready for that responsibility. The strain of it all led to constant fighting which ultimately led to the break-up. I mean, it’s a huge responsibility to, not only pay for a pregnancy and raise a child but to do it without fighting is extremely difficult.

Fighting fair is important as well. When the shit hits the fan and times are tough, couples often tend to blame each other and so on. But if you can not fight fair and say things that hit below the belt, quite often irreprehensible damages come along. A vicious circle then becomes evident causing the couple to call it quits. It’s too far gone, there’s too much pain, it just can’t be repaired.

And I don’t want all this to happen to you, Tyler. So, take this time to plan it all out so you and Kelly have the best possible chance of living the good life. If you can remember my words, “that all things happen for a reason,” you will begin to see the truth unfold, right in front of your eyes!

I wish you both the very best life has to offer…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 1:44 PM

The Strong One

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x

Dear Love struck and Unsure x,

The first thing that comes to my mind is to tell you to never change who you are to please anybody. Now, there’s not a thing wrong with brightening up the package but I encourage you to continue to be you.

As well, I see nothing wrong with you liking this guy, even if his Dad is dating your Mum. I don’t encourage it for a few reasons though. For one, if your Mum breaks up with his Dad, it may make it hard on you, on your relationship. And just as it might go the other way, where as your Mum might become serious with this fella, that scenario as well could present problems.

What I mean is the fact that if your Mum were to marry this guy, the guy you like would then become your step-brother. Then, it might be frowned upon because he then becomes family. It is not the first time this has happened and in fact, before my own step-brother became family because his Dad married my Mom, I had a crush on him. It then made it pretty weird and I no longer pursued anything more than friendship.

So these are a few things you should consider. Think it through and remember “there are millions of fish in the sea.” What that means is that I would encourage you to realize that there are so many guys in the world for you to choose from, maybe you should not get involved with this one?

Now, if you feel you absolutely must because, as you said, “I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate.,” you’ll have to keep in mind that this could open a whole can of worms, possibly making it difficult for all those involved. This is a decision only you can weigh or make.

The next thing I want to address is that you called yourself, “Frigid.” I think you are far from that, I can just tell. I happen to believe that you were just not interested in any one guy up to this point. So don’t be so hard on yourself.

Girls your age are often more mature than guys your age. It’s a fact that for the most part, girls mature quicker than boys, too. But it’s a truly wonderful age, one I enjoyed myself. I can also remember being sooooo in love with a certain guy and then the next week, viewing him as a complete dork and I’d wonder what did I ever see in him. Mark my words, you’ll find yourself in the same situation.

At this age, you can be quite wishy washy, in love one minute, out of love the next. It’s normal. Hormones run rampant and it’s usually a time of exploration. You want to experience everything, especially what is considered “adult” stuff. And at 13 you find yourself wanting to be all grown up.

But being all grown up comes with so many disadvantages. If I could give you any advice it would be to not rush things. At this age, you already feel grown up, you might even believe you know it all. I know I did and I rushed towards doing all the adult things, if you will; Sex, Drugs and all the things that are supposed “adult” things.

I wrote about it here and I hope you will take the time to read it;

“Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life”

Growing up sucks, being an adult is so over rated. I implore you to at least read my answer to another teen as is a bit part of my story.

I can tell that you are a wonderful young lady, bright and bubbly, a bit misunderstood but one who stands firmly if you believe in something strongly enough. Yes, you are still a bit of a tomboy, so am/was I and I encourage you, as I stated before, to just be you.

Normally, you are never concerned with what people think of you. Suddenly because you like this guy, you want to change who you are. Be yourself at all times.

I see that right now, you are not sure who you are. You are still trying to figure this out. Let me tell you what I see;

(In the Zone)

“I see a young girl who has extremely strong values and beliefs. You are pretty and this is not even an ‘Ugly Duckling’ story. You can be hard on yourself which is good if it is about getting things done, i.e. homework and such. It is bad if you continue to be so harsh about your own looks. You have to keep in mind that right now, it is an awkward stage/age. You will grow out of all this and become the beauty that you can not see just yet. Continue to stand for the ‘underdog’ as you tend to do. All this will serve you later. You as well as your life will be successful if you do not lose track of what is important. I can see that if you fall into the pattern of putting things off, it will catch you un-awares. I can also see that you will have a problem with addiction if you do not say ‘NO’ loud and clear. Be proud that you march to a different drummer. You will always be the one your peers look up to if you continue to be strong. You are a leader, even though you can not see it. They do/will look up to you and you must be the strong one. See, you will and can affect so many lives if you use this strong backbone that you do/will have. If you remember that they are watching and looking to you for answers, if you continue to think things through before you do, it will serve you all the days of your life. It will also help countless others.“

You have so much to offer and you must remember this!
Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

A Good Reason

Dear Aunt Babz,

Of lately everything that could go wrong has.. Ranging from a love triangle between my parents and another partner to the demise of what is supposed to be one of the happiest of moments. As of now I’m 18 years old still in high school and I got a great job at a dental tech lab. I also have a wonderful fiancée who is just as stressed as I am.

To start from the beginning of the mess, lets begin with me parents. There has been a very strange relationship between my mom and step dad and my moms partner Vickie. It seems almost every three months my mom switches around who she wants to be with and results in repacking what I just unpacked and move. So far we have moved between 2 houses at least 6 times. Because of this there has been a sense of insecurity always with me not knowing were im going to be sleeping the next day. I cant move out due to the fact im in school and because i don’t want to leave my mother do to the fact that she is for the most part blind. She has a eye disease called stargarts which is the deterioration of the retinas in your eyes. I feel trapped obligated to take care of her. Don’t take me wrong I love my mother its just I want to live my own life.

To add on to things my fiancé’s parents did a complete 180 on what the told me…

In a way im am partial to tradition so I asked Kelly’s parents for there blessing which they did give me along with the talk. But when the time came around in which I asked Kelly her parents flip flopped on us and gave the exact opposite reaction we were expecting. Both and me and Kelly were hurt by this and have no clue why they reacted so. I know we are still young but we have been best friends for 5 years and together for 2 years and in my opinion she is the one. A lot of people say we are to young but 9 times out of ten so were they including Kelly’s parents. All I wanted was for them to be happy for us but that doesn’t likely to happen. We even told them we were going to wait a year after high school to get more established but that wasn’t good enough.., they wanted us to wait three.

Also her parents control her life and what she does 9/10 out of the time and give her little independence. I keep on trying to get her to spread her wings but they are bounded by her parents controlling influence.

I am very sorry that this is most likely a wii bit scattered but any advice on these problems would mean the world to me and and Kelly.

Sincerely,

Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I consider it a gift, this thing I have? I prefer to call it, “The Art of Intuitiveness.” I wish like hell I’d paid attention to it, through out my life but more often than not, I didn’t listen.

I can look back and see that in every instance where I did a dumb thing, took the wrong turn, made the wrong choice, I was told not to do it. Of course, I did it anyway.

We live, we learn and then hopefully, we laugh like hell about it. You have the gift as well, did you not know? You must learn to listen, fine tune it, reign it in and begin to use it to your advantage. My gut instinct, what came to mind as I read your letter, were the words,

“All things happen, in your life, for a reason.
A Good Reason.”

It would serve you, all the days of your life, if you remember those words. Now, I’m quite sure your dilemma does not sit well with you, especially concerning the fact that you tried to do everything by the book, so to speak, only to be shot down. It’s liable to be frustrating, I would imagine?

Patience is certainly not a virtue in youth. For that matter, it is rare for most people to have patience, no matter the age. But I can only recommend that you find this virtue and remember that it won’t be long and you’ll be on your own. Or at least you’ll be of age and can make your own choices.

It’s easier said than done but if I were you I’d begin to concentrate on your short term goals, for the moment. Leave the long term goals alone, come what may.

I think it’s an honorable position for you to want to make Kelly your wife. I do believe because you did do everything right, by going to her parents and asking for her hand in marriage, it must have stung, even harder when they changed their position, right?

I think what I am trying to say, is to simply re-think your strategy. Once you graduate, in possibly, a few short months, you might re-approach things.

For now, as I stated before, look at the short term goals; Graduation etc. If you are going to stay at your present employer, as in, is this going to be your main source of income then you must ask yourself, if this will sustain you, can you make a living in this position.

Whether you realize it or not, time is on your side. Use this time wisely to scope out a plan of attack, for better words. What I am referring to is the fact that if you were to marry this lovely girl tomorrow, where will you both live? In this present position, do you make enough or will you, given the opportunity of full time employment as/at the dental tech lab?

Again, time is on your side and this will afford you to take things slowly. I do realize that you love her so much and want to plan out the rest of your lives together. But you also want to do it right. Why do you say this Aunt B?

Well, it’s a fact that those that rush into marriage or the ones that are thrown into the situation because of, perhaps, pregnancy, well, the divorce statistics speak for themselves. Now, I know you don’t/can’t foresee this every happening to you especially because you love her so very much. But shit happens and two people often grow apart. The chief reason that most people fight is, believe it or not; Money.

Now, I know for a fact that you, Mr. Tyler are rather intelligent and for the most part, you have thought this thing through. I don’t assume that you’ve not played the tape out, “This is Your Life,” from beginning to end. But when I say that time is on your side, the approach I want you to take is for a good reason; I want you to be afforded every advantage, no surprises and the makings of a wonderful life.

By planning things out, you will be on top of the program and better equipped to deal with those calamities. And they will come, I guaran damn tee ya. But this approach I am speaking of is going to work to your advantage. It’s just a matter of how you perceive things.

Take back, even if it’s in your own mind, control of your life. It really is a perspective, an exercise in empowerment to say to yourself, “Well OK, they told us to wait and I will use this to my advantage.” See, let go of being pissed off about it or being angry at your situation. By the way, your situation, the way your home life has unfolded, will steel you for your future. Yes, it all is happening for a good reason!

See, the strategy I am looking at is you have to realize the “what if’s,” of your future situation. What if Kelly gets pregnant? Even if you are not planning a pregnancy, even with birth control or a condom, accidents happen. This changes the variables tremendously and you must be ready.

The hardest thing, in this life, is to find out that your partner, who you thought you knew, does not handle, very well, the slaps that life hands out. You must calculate the unforeseen, the element of unknown, the monkey wrench in the works.

I know you want it all to happen right here, right now. Good grief, you love Kelly so much that every minute apart is painful. She feels the same way about you, you are her best friend, which by the way is the best thing you’ve got going for you.

Just for the record, the longest lasting relationships are/were ones where the couple were friends first. Where they planned out their future,

There is a longer list for the least lasting relationships.
That list goes on and on, primarily starting with situations where money issues were prevalent, it being the number one reason for break-ups and divorce. I believe the next might be where two people, so in love, they tested the waters, had sex, got pregnant only to find they weren’t ready for that responsibility. The strain of it all led to constant fighting which ultimately led to the break-up. I mean, it’s a huge responsibility to, not only pay for a pregnancy and raise a child but to do it without fighting is extremely difficult.

Fighting fair is important as well. When the shit hits the fan and times are tough, couples often tend to blame each other and so on. But if you can not fight fair and say things that hit below the belt, quite often irreprehensible damages come along. A vicious circle then becomes evident causing the couple to call it quits. It’s too far gone, there’s too much pain, it just can’t be repaired.

And I don’t want all this to happen to you, Tyler. So, take this time to plan it all out so you and Kelly have the best possible chance of living the good life. If you can remember my words, “that all things happen for a reason,” you will begin to see the truth unfold, right in front of your eyes!

I wish you both the very best life has to offer…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Re-Post; Red Flags/The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

Friday, March 16, 2007
Red Flags

Dear Aunt B,

I am 31 years old and have been single for a very very long time – 5 years. In those 5 years I’ve met a few guys and dated a fair bit but 7 weeks ago I met someone very special someone who I click with but several issues are coming up. I’m scared that I may be finding things to sabotage the relationship, or that I am being naïve – we get on so well, we talk, connect, click, really like each other and are really attracted to each other. He calls when he says he will, says all the right things, spends time with me and my friends but he drinks 7 days a week, from 3 beers up to 12 beers a night. I’ve asked him to cut down and he agrees but has only been sober or didn’t drink at all once really. He starts drinking with his brother when he gets home from work, has cut down a bit for me, I virtually [do not] drink so it’s a problem for me. It also stinks and makes him snore.

He is putting on a lot of weight almost 5kgs in the short time I know him, eats a lot off junk food, eats triple the amount I eat and it is so off putting. I am a bit of the obsessive eating disorder type, always worrying about my weight and am watching someone cram wedges in his mouth.

He has an 8 year old son who I met once and told his dad he didn’t like me. So the next day my boyfriend barely spoke to me, touched me or looked at me in front of his son.

Later when we spoke he told me how important his son is to him, told his family that I was in a mood (which I was) and twice has laughed at me when I’ve told him how insecure I get.

Am I fooling myself? It’s 70% fantastic, loving, has potential and then there are these things – I am not sure if I should be having such issues after such a short time or if I am looking for trouble.

I would love your advice!

Dear Reader,

This is a tough one, my friend. I may have to shoot from the hip on this and hope, fervently, that I do not hurt anyone’s feelings.

At 31 years old, I assume your fella, is similar in age? Regardless, I think, you have every reason to worry here. We’ll attempt to address the most important situations first.

I don’t know if you’ve read any of my other posts? In the event that you have not, I will tell you, I am an addict in recovery. I drank like a fish, lived with a man, who drank like a whale and we are both recovering from drug addiction, where my drug of choice, was Heroin. I have been clean from heroin for 9 years. I tell you this, so you may know two things; there is hope, it is possible to rise above addiction and I speak from experience.

True love, is deaf, dumb, blind, crippled and crazy and sometimes, plain ol’ stupid. Often times, you will not see fault. I do believe they call it, “Falling in Love,” for a reason, you just might “Fall.”

Your guy, without a doubt in my mind, is an Alcoholic or so it appears. You just can’t sugar coat this. He may be, what they call a, “Functional Alcoholic,” but the label fits. A person that drinks more than an occasional beer, as in this case, is no longer a social drinker. There is no gray area here. It is only gray, if the person is in denial and paints it gray. Now, this does not mean he is a bad person. In fact, I think he may have fallen into what I like to call,

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

Let me explain, using my own Dad, as example. My Dad is 77, so this is many, many years ago but it aptly applies to today…

When my Dad was 17 years old, he was getting ready to leave for the Navy. His Father, a Captain, in the Navy, told him, he was a man now and he wanted to teach him one of life’s most valuable lessons. He sat him down, with two shot glasses on the kitchen table. He put water in one of the shot glasses and whiskey in the other. He then, dropped a worm, in each shot glass and told my Dad to watch. A couple minutes passed and my Grandfather asked my Dad, what he saw? He stated that, the worm in the water was still swimming and the worm in the whiskey had died. My Grandfather nodded his head, pulled out two more shot glasses, filled them with whiskey, handed one to my Dad, held one up and downed it. He then exclaimed, “That’s right son, always drink whiskey and you’ll never have worms. Now, drink up.” This was his homespun initiation into manhood. True story!

You may have even read this story somewhere else, as I have but it may be, that is how Father’s ushered in their sons, way back when. In the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and possibly, even today, father’s still had the idea, that on their sons 18th Birthday, it was proper to throw them a booze party. I’ve heard, the likes, of Dad’s taking their sons to a strip joint, a night out of drinking and painting the town, “Red, White and Blue.” This mentality, was instilled, that to be a true man, you drank, it is your God given right. The myth, was ingrained, that you work hard, 40+ hours and when you did, you deserved to buy a six-pack of beer. That is the “Manly” thing to do. What a crock o’crap, huh? To further screw up America, we as women, in our fight for equality, have picked up this premise, as well. Statistics show that women and addiction have skyrocketed.

Unfortunately, many people, men and women alike, fell into the clutches of addiction, along the way. It’s much more complicated than simply thinking that this observation is why we drink. There are three contributing factors in addiction. They are;

* Predisposition

* Socio-Cultural

* Environmental

Having a parent(s) who may be an Alcoholic/Addict or have the mentality, can be a huge contributing factor. A learned behavior is another. Going to College, binge drinking or even hangin’ in the ‘hood, doing drugs, watching what other people do, thinking it is what is normal, can, as well, instill a behavior, bad behaviors, at that. Values and beliefs, not to mention, the way we are hard-wired, our DNA, all play a factor in Chemical Dependency.

So, why did I tell you all this? I tell you this because I want you to realize, that it is not as simple as asking him to limit his drinking. It is a rare scenario, where anybody that drinks 7 days a week, even a simple six-pack, does not do it for a reason. It is actually rather complex, more than I can explain to you, even here. I would suggest, your investigation of addiction, to understand it better. There are medical issues, that now factor in.

*Quite often, drugs and drinking, go hand in hand. We must understand that they and their effects are also one and the same. A chemical is a chemical. Take what you learn and put it in your tool belt, it will help you understand this insidious disease.

Why is he drinking? This has to be your question, to ask yourself and possibly him. I’d bet that there are underlying problems, things he’s running from, things he shutting up, chasing away. I’ve yet to meet anyone, who didn’t have valid reasons, in their mind, why they drank. Life sucks and to live life on life’s terms is not easy. Even if, all the problems go away, it’s not easy to physically stop drinking, especially, after you’ve been drinking, at least, a six-pack a day. Now, it is a physical dependence, not just a mental, shake off the blues, situation.

Red flags must have already gone up, concerning his behavior. You would not have written me, unless that had happened and you wanted validation. Yes, I do think you need to be concerned. It’s no joke and not to be taken lightly. Jumping into a relationship, with someone who is clearly an alcoholic, is a serious undertaking. Now, I am not saying it is not possible, for him to get clean. What I am saying is that all the wishing in the world, from you, won’t get him there. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal. This is and does, go hand in hand with step one of Alcoholics Anonymous;

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

How does a proud man, admit that he has fallen, especially when he believes the, *Great American Myth?™

It has to start with him understanding that alcohol has had an adverse effect on him, his relationships and will ultimately, cost him his life. He must realize that his 8 year old son should not have to watch his father, in the throws of addiction. Also, let me add quickly, that although a Father should be concerned, what their child thinks, it is not that child’s decision as to who his Dad’s life partner will be, should or shouldn’t be. They often have a hard time accepting anyone. His Dad needs to understand that but to behave as he did is quite regrettable and wrong. That gives the child license, to be mean, if you ask me. The child may not like you but he needs to respect you, show respect and behave accordingly. I stand with you on this one. I’d point this out to your guy that you realize that, they don’t have to embrace you but he should understand that you will be afforded respect and nothing less… NOTHING!

You also mentioned that his behavior, concerning eating, bothers you, right? You have every right in the world, to be concerned about his eating habits. But you must proceed carefully here, as well. Your habits are yours, his are his. You’ll have to approach it, realizing that eating is also the way we were raised and so on. Eating healthy does not always come naturally. If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you just begin to show him, how to adapt. If you cook for him, make something that is good but close to a comfort food. He’ll equate that, “Hey, this eating healthy gig’s not so bad?” I mean something like a nice chicken breast, baked with Mashed Cauliflower (tastes just like mashed potatoes) with butter and a nice salad. You have to start somewhere, right? But I think, you’ve got bigger fish to fry here. Meaning this situation with his alcohol abuse, is where you need to start. This sure is no Overnite Delivery, a fix that happens quickly.

Your Answer

It is my impression, that you have a lot of red flags here, as I mentioned before. I ask you, to ask yourself, are you capable of “fixing” this fella? Do you want to fix him? It is possible to be supportive but you can not,

I repeat, can not fix anybody. Nope, they have to fix themselves and they have to do it for themselves, first and foremost.
If you choose to be supportive, I offer this analogy,
“Take that bull by the horns and ride.”
This early in the relationship, you really have nothing to lose by being perfectly honest. Call it like it is, kindly, or walk away and cut you loses.

Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean.

AA/NA helped me and long before my true addiction surfaced, I had gone to meetings about addiction, to understand my own Father’s (my real Dad) alcoholism. Study all you can and I will put links here to help you. You need a pretty big Tool Belt to tackle this one, if you do, choose to do this.
My inner loyalty, to you, says get out while the gettin’s good. But if you truly care about this guy, you need to tell him so but that you will not live with his drinking. See, you have a right to be happy, too. Do not feel guilty, if you walk away now. As I said before, you can’t fix anybody. This is our first mistake, thinking we can take charge of things. We can’t change anybody, we can only suggest, advise and support. No, the change has to come from within, in the person that is having the behavioral problem. When you challenge someone’s values and beliefs, get ready for some flak. Now, it may very well be that he doesn’t like this drinking every single day and he may be aware that he has a problem. You need to sit him down and calmly, patiently ask him, if he perceives himself with a problem. Whatever you do, do not have a condescending tone. This will cause him to put up a defensive wall. He will take a survival posture and will virtually be unable to look at his problem. You’ve got to come off, in a loving manner. At the same time, you must make it a point, that he knows, you can not and will not live with this behavior, no if ands or buts about it. You don’t have to and you won’t. Now, he can go and get help, look at this, do something about it or you can go on your merry way. It’s quite possible and plausible, that he may have to enter a Rehab setting. I don’t believe he could physically, just quit. I recommend seeking Medical Advice, in a Treatment setting. This is very important. Please see it as just that, possibly the single most important thing I tell you; Seek a Professional!!
Tell him, it’s time, to pull the Band-Aid off. Even if you were to walk away from him tomorrow, you are planting a seed. You are letting him know, that his behavior is not acceptable and he needs to get help. If he’s not real receptive to jumping into a Rehab, ask him to go to an AA/NA meeting. They’ll plant seeds also and they can be your support group. It’s free and the coffee, is usually palatable. They are real people, who’ve walked down the same path.
I guess the big question here, I pose to you, is what are you willing to do, or what length are willing to go, to support your guy? Only you can answer this, right?
If you choose to support him in recover, realize that it’s a life long battle. It is treatable but you must brace yourself for the storms. I guarantee this much…it will not go away on its own. Start with talking, not pointing the finger but merely asserting understanding and willingness to support him, if he chooses to get clean. You’d better stand by what you say, too. If you tell him that, you can not tolerate this situation as it exists and if does not choose to get help, you will walk away, you’d better mean it. If you allow it, you will enable him and he will not believe that there are repercussions for his actions. You’ve got to let him fall before he can pick himself up. If your love is important to him, he’ll see that he will lose you, if he does not seek help. Most of us addicts have to hit some form of bottom, to realize that we need to climb out. It is a treacherous climb. Throw him a line, by giving him the information, where the meetings, are located. Tell him you will help him, only if he helps himself. He’ll either grab hold of that line or lay there till it stinks enough. When it stinks, as you’ve already said it did and he’s not willing to smell it and realize he is offending, get out.
Be prepared. Have your list of meetings, do your homework if it’s important enough to you and hand it all to him. Then, it is “His” decision. If you put it just like that, then he’ll feel just that;
That it’s his decision!

Work on one thing at a time, Girlfriend. Pray and brace yourself. I wish you only the very best. Now, go get it!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

The relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for “reaching” and helping an uncontrolled drinker.

In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered alcoholics describe their personal experiences in achieving sobriety, and to read A.A. literature describing and interpreting the A.A. program.

A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact alcoholics. At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.

(Click Here for Help)

**The body stops producing endorphins. Endorphins are our body’s natural pain killer. We have receptor’s in our brain, where the endorphins plug in. Try to picture sockets, in the brain, similar to a car. Where you would screw in the spark plug, the endorphins plug in, when we are in pain. The correlation being that the receptors, when there is a constant use of i.e. opiates or any kind of chemical, stop producing. They think they no longer need to produce the chemical.

*How alcohol produces intoxicating effects in the brain is not entirely understood. Most drugs have a specific receptor in the brain. For example, cocaine acts through the dopamine transporter, heroin acts through the opioid receptor, and marijuana acts through the cannabinoid receptor. These are proteins in the cell membrane that shuttle the drugs into the brain cell, where they act much like your body’s own neurotransmitters to excite or depress nerve cells. Alcohol, however, appears to have no specific receptor in the brain. Instead, it seems to affect the receptors for several neurotransmitters, including the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) receptor. GABA is one of the major messenger chemicals in the brain. It reduces the transmission of impulses between nerve cells. Alcohol can either increase or decrease GABA function in different areas of the brain, leading to inhibitory effects (such as loss of judgment) and excitatory effects (such as feelings of exhilaration). Other receptors that may be affected include those for N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), glutamate, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine. These are all natural substances produced in the brain that control things like behavior, memory, sensation, and mood. The variety of chemical pathways that are disrupted can explain the myriad effects that alcohol has on behavior and brain function.

For additional information, see the following websites:

http://alcoholism.about.com/health/alcoholism/
library/blnaa35.htm

http://www.arf.org/isd/pim/alcohol.html

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email…

Babs,

Thank you very much for a very honest answer. It’s funny I have teased him about being an alcoholic but as you said it’s a functional abuse of alcohol – he acts fine, he seems fine.

I have read all your advice and will take it on board. There are a few issues we will need to address and at least this way I can support him and have a potentially healthy relationship rather than fix him or feel like a victim. If he can’t see himself with a problem or is unable to seek help – I feel so much for him already; I am not sure where this will go. I really appreciate your answer.

What really scares me is while there are so many good things and such a good connection; there are so many cons as well. I keep finding issues and problems with things and I am wondering if I am a wannabe fixer and a bit of a control freak who is after the perfect boyfriend. I also need to accept several of my own habits and tendencies as my own and his as his.

Thank you for also saying that you have dealt with your own addictions and sought help –

Much appreciated

Phew I feel so much better getting this all out and seeing what I have to deal with; I was thinking that I am such a sabotager.

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™ is a Trademark of BoAB
adult-content-warning

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Genuine Savoir-Faire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I’m 19, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we’re more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can’t imagine leaving him. I always thought I’d marry him one day, but I’m scared that I’ll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it’s because I’m not into him like that. I’ve been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that’s not the case at all. We’re still so much closer then just friends. We’re a couple, we just aren’t romantic. We’ve talked about it. He’s trying to slim down. but I’m afraid that it’s not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He’s such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?

Dear Reader,

You two are already like an old married couple, you just don’t have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.

Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?

In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.

Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more…unless…you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.

The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.

Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you “love them,” if you don’t mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.

I actually think it’s a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it’s important to be attracted to your partner.

I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I’d like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of “Affection,” or “Affectionate Behavior.”

Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside…a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;

Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?

It’s certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.

I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.

I’d hope you’ve noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.

As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It’s a conscience effort to please each other. But it’s essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, “the wifely duties.” How gross is that, hah?

I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I’ll ask this simple question, “Are you ever sexually attracted,” meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.

Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.

Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don’t want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!

Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.

The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret…or…hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)

“Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration.”

Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling

If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you’ve done your duty…all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.

My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it’s meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it’s as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, “Oh, we’re going to have sex tonight,” but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.

Maybe, you could both write down why you’d want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro’s and con’s of it. If it’s not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. “I feel this way” or “that way” which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?

Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., “your smile” or maybe, “your laughter” or possibly, “the considerate things you do for me.” So it’s a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.

It’s always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know…you’re doing the “Horizontal Mambo.”

Hoping To Help,

Halena

Genuine Savoir-Faire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I’m 19, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we’re more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can’t imagine leaving him. I always thought I’d marry him one day, but I’m scared that I’ll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it’s because I’m not into him like that. I’ve been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that’s not the case at all. We’re still so much closer then just friends. We’re a couple, we just aren’t romantic. We’ve talked about it. He’s trying to slim down. but I’m afraid that it’s not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He’s such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?

Dear Reader,

You two are already like an old married couple, you just don’t have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.

Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?

In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.

Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more…unless…you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.

The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.

Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you “love them,” if you don’t mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.

I actually think it’s a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it’s important to be attracted to your partner.

I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I’d like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of “Affection,” or “Affectionate Behavior.”

Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside…a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;

Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?

It’s certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.

I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.

I’d hope you’ve noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.

As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It’s a conscience effort to please each other. But it’s essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, “the wifely duties.” How gross is that, hah?

I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I’ll ask this simple question, “Are you ever sexually attracted,” meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.

Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.

Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don’t want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!

Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.

The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret…or…hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)

“Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration.”

Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling

If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you’ve done your duty…all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.

My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it’s meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it’s as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, “Oh, we’re going to have sex tonight,” but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.

Maybe, you could both write down why you’d want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro’s and con’s of it. If it’s not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. “I feel this way” or “that way” which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?

Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., “your smile” or maybe, “your laughter” or possibly, “the considerate things you do for me.” So it’s a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.

It’s always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know…you’re doing the “Horizontal Mambo.”

Hoping To Help,

Halena

adult-content-warning

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Genuine Savoir-Faire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I’m 19, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we’re more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can’t imagine leaving him. I always thought I’d marry him one day, but I’m scared that I’ll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it’s because I’m not into him like that. I’ve been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that’s not the case at all. We’re still so much closer then just friends. We’re a couple, we just aren’t romantic. We’ve talked about it. He’s trying to slim down. but I’m afraid that it’s not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He’s such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?

Dear Reader,

You two are already like an old married couple, you just don’t have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.

Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?

In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.

Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more…unless…you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.

The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.

Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you “love them,” if you don’t mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.

I actually think it’s a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it’s important to be attracted to your partner.

I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I’d like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of “Affection,” or “Affectionate Behavior.”

Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside…a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;

Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?

It’s certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.

I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.

I’d hope you’ve noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.

As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It’s a conscience effort to please each other. But it’s essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, “the wifely duties.” How gross is that, hah?

I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I’ll ask this simple question, “Are you ever sexually attracted,” meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.

Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.

Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don’t want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!

Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.

The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret…or…hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)

“Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration.”

Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling

If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you’ve done your duty…all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.

My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it’s meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it’s as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, “Oh, we’re going to have sex tonight,” but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.

Maybe, you could both write down why you’d want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro’s and con’s of it. If it’s not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. “I feel this way” or “that way” which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?

Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., “your smile” or maybe, “your laughter” or possibly, “the considerate things you do for me.” So it’s a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.

It’s always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know…you’re doing the “Horizontal Mambo.”

Hoping To Help,

Halena

adult-content-warning

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Re-Post; Something To Think About

Every now and again, I like to post this just to make you think. Even though I wrote it, it still makes me remember, think and pray…

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we had delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

“Bless This Child”

Bless this child who’s beaten daily, much more than he can take.
Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs, no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain, whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone, his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know, her story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you, a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

Always Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz
“Even the most brilliant minds can have troubled souls.”

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Re-Post; Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

Dear Aunt Babz,

Has your mom ever annoyed you soooo much you want to runaway?

Dear Reader,

To answer your question; she sure did and I did run away!

My Dad was/is a Lt.Colonel but it was my Mom who was the Drill Sergeant. She was a taskmaster and I thought she was just being mean. She made me keep my room immaculate and I had to do dishes and clean the house, do laundry and on and on. I can remember thinking, “I’m not the maid here. Slave labor was abolished.” I realize now, that she was teaching me life skills, a good work ethic and strong, sturdy personal habits. If I had only seen this, things may have been different.

I was always in trouble and spent most of my childhood, mainly my teen years on restriction; no phone, no going out. I had to stay in the house. I’m not talking a day or two, I’m talking weeks, months of restriction to the house.

We have a wonderful relationship now but back then it was real bad.I hated my Mom and I believed she hated me. She was so hard on me and when I messed up, I was then restricted. I was convinced she truly could not stand me. I was always getting in trouble, always doing something stupid and I had criminal behaviors, even then. I gave my Mom, a run for her money. I was real good at being bad and did not pay attention in school. Who the heck needs to learn about how to spell or fractions and junk. I wanted them to stop wasting my time because I knew it all.

I stole her Cadillac at the tender age of 14, in an attempt at running away. I was headed to Ocean City, Md., I lived in Virginia. I went across state lines and was caught, in Maryland. I was then fingerprinted and charged by the F.B.I. with Interstate Transportation.
That was not the last time I ran away. The very last time, Miss Know It All, was 16. I ended up getting pregnant. Running away from home, changed my life forever. There was never, any turning back and I had made those choices, me and me alone.

Looking In The Mirror

I wanted to be all grown up. What I didn’t realize was, along with being all grown up, came responsibilities. I can look back now and laugh about how ridiculous I was. I am able to see now, just how badly I blew things out of proportion, just how badly I blew up my life. I didn’t want to be told what to do because I thought I, she’s just being mean. I didn’t realize she was teaching me but you couldn’t tell me that. I had no real understanding of what being an adult, really entailed. I thought I could take care of myself, after all, how hard could it really be? I immediately found that I couldn’t even get a job without my parents signature on the work permission slip. Even if I had not needed a permission to work slip, do you really think I could have found a job, at 14 or even 16, that would have paid me enough to live on my own? I had no real skills but I knew it all. Nobody hires “Know It Alls,” simply because they say so, huh? So, what’s a girl to do in a big mean world of big mean people just waiting to take advantage of you?
I thought I was in love. This guy was taking care of me. He had me living with him and he bought my food and so on. Did I practice safe sex? Nope and I never thought “I” would get pregnant. Now, how stupid is that? Girls have been getting pregnant since the dawn of time. It’s a fact, the simple rule of the birds and the bees. I was immature enough to think I was all grown up and knew it all. Yet, I couldn’t even understand the very concept of how, when you have sex, you get pregnant. It’s as elementary as it gets but why didn’t I believe it could or would happen to me? When you get pregnant it changes your life and oh yes Lord, you will have to grow up. But not before you learn it all the hard way. Your childhood is ripped out of your hands and you get what you want; you are all grown up. All the crying in the world won’t change a damn thing either. You can cry because you can’t go out anymore because you now have to stay home with a baby. You can cry because you just flushed your chances of going to college down the crapper, much less graduating high school with the rest of your class. You can cry because your baby won’t stop crying, even though it’s been fed, changed, cuddled and it’s still crying and it’s the middle of the night. What do you do…call Mommy?
So, you do the right thing, you get married to a guy you later realize you never loved, not in the sense of the Prince Charming you dreamed about. You fight all the time because you really didn’t know each other in the first place and you are not really compatible but you stay with him because now, you are pregnant again. Who’s going to give a job to some young girl with a kid and one on the way. You don’t even have your High School diploma because you were pregnant and didn’t graduate. Why won’t they hire you, you know it all? So, you cook and clean and try to be the good little wife and here comes baby #3 and you are happy but you hate your life and you stand there, in front of the mirror and watch in horror as your body gets stretched and distorted. Your pretty breasts are no longer youthful, you are covered in stretch marks and the circles under your eyes betray you.
Mrs. Know It All didn’t sleep again last night. The oldest child is sick with a fever and threw up all over his bedding and it’s the only set of Sesame Street sheets you own for him. So, you put him in your bed, put his sheets in the wash and then he throws up all over your sheets and child #2 just woke up because child #1 is crying because he’s sick. You’re not feeling so good yourself and you just want to cry. Next thing you know, you have two in diapers, you have this pouch that hangs at your stomach and you are standing in front of the mirror and you question, how the hell it all happened. You have stretch marks on your breasts and they just don’t stand up like they used to. You don’t have time to even contemplate it too much cause now baby #3 is crying and needs fed. You go to pick him up and he’s pooped up the back of his chair and you’ll have to clean that before you can put him back down but don’t trip over all the toys on the floor. Those damn Lego’s are the most painful, especially in the middle of the night, when you least expect it. You are so tired after cleaning up, chasing kids, doing laundry, cooking dinner, feeding the kids and you climb into bed, at the end of the night exhausted. The hubby wants to be frisky cause that’s what they do. So, you lay there, tired and feeling half dead and let a man who you really don’t love, make love to you. You just hope he’ll hurry so you can get some sleep.

So, you stand in front of the mirror again, years later and you ask yourself, “What the hell happened?”
Now, you get them all into school and you keep thinking how you want to get out of the house, maybe get a part-time job. They ask you, “Well, Mrs. Know It All, what skills do you possess, besides knowing it all, that will cause me to hire you?”
Nothing is more humbling than when you realize, that even at McDonald’s you have to be trained and that may be the only job I might be given the chance to shine?
Years go by, you feel empty inside. You are tired of your life and you want a change. You leave your husband, take his children and start out on your own. You find yourself in the same stupid mess, needing help. You meet another loser and tell yourself you are in love. He’s abusive but you feel stuck. He cripples you with his abuse and you cry in silence. He drinks and you start just to get on the same page and tolerate him. You try drugs to shut out the noise and they work, so you think. You keep slipping further and further into the lies, just so you don’t have to feel the mess you’ve created by your choices. Now, you’re addicted and those children you love so much become last on your list of important things to take care of. You never stopped loving them but you had more important things to do. You have an addiction to feed, an angry addiction.
You look in the mirror and you see a woman, old before her time. Mrs. Know It All, has track marks on her arms and hates herself so badly that she no longer wants to live. But who wants to waste good heroin on killing yourself? It’s when you don’t have it and you are so sick, that you want to die. You look at yourself, a shell of a person, a waste of skin, waste of life. And you wonder what happened?

Mrs. Know It All then became a number OF6708. She couldn’t look in the mirror from her Prison cell. She might kill herself with the glass. She was so glad she couldn’t see herself but could only imagine just how pathetic she looked. She sure didn’t know it all now. She sure wished she could turn back the hands of time but there’s no such thing. There were no tears left for her to cry as they humbled her with their strip searches and indignities.
What she became aware of, what she did learn was that she had choices all along, from the very beginning. It took a lifetime to learn. It almost took her life.

Choices

You have choices in every single minute of every day. Your story is different but I think you just need some coping skills. If your Mom tells you to do something and you question it, you need to look at why she may be asking you to do that something. You need to talk to her. If the lines of communication are down in your house, build new ones. If you think something is unfair, ask her why she is asking you to do whatever it is, she’s asking. Ask without an attitude and you just might not be met, with an attitude. Remember that your Mom is human, she’s only a woman trying to be your Mom, that ain’t easy. Ask yourself what is she trying to teach you instead of thinking she’s being mean. Write her a letter and explain how you feel and ask her to explain. Never forget what it would like without your Mom, you’ll never have another and you’ll never find the same love a mother has, for her daughter. If things are strained, don’t run, try to work it out. What choices do you have, to make things better? Make the right choice, please?

Yes, Mrs. Know It All was me. My name now, is… Mz.Babs Humbled.

Keeping It Really Real,

Aunt Babz

Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

Dear Aunt Babz,

Has your mom ever annoyed you soooo much you want to runaway?

Dear Reader,

To answer your question; she sure did and I did run away!

My Dad was/is a Lt.Colonel but it was my Mom who was the Drill Sergeant. She was a taskmaster and I thought she was just being mean. She made me keep my room immaculate and I had to do dishes and clean the house, do laundry and on and on. I can remember thinking, “I’m not the maid here. Slave labor was abolished.” I realize now, that she was teaching me life skills, a good work ethic and strong, sturdy personal habits. If I had only seen this, things may have been different.

I was always in trouble and spent most of my childhood, mainly my teen years on restriction; no phone, no going out. I had to stay in the house. I’m not talking a day or two, I’m talking weeks, months of restriction to the house.

We have a wonderful relationship now but back then it was real bad.I hated my Mom and I believed she hated me. She was so hard on me and when I messed up, I was then restricted. I was convinced she truly could not stand me. I was always getting in trouble, always doing something stupid and I had criminal behaviors, even then. I gave my Mom, a run for her money. I was real good at being bad and did not pay attention in school. Who the heck needs to learn about how to spell or fractions and junk. I wanted them to stop wasting my time because I knew it all.

I stole her Cadillac at the tender age of 14, in an attempt at running away. I was headed to Ocean City, Md., I lived in Virginia. I went across state lines and was caught, in Maryland. I was then fingerprinted and charged by the F.B.I. with Interstate Transportation.
That was not the last time I ran away. The very last time, Miss Know It All, was 16. I ended up getting pregnant. Running away from home, changed my life forever. There was never, any turning back and I had made those choices, me and me alone.

Looking In The Mirror

I wanted to be all grown up. What I didn’t realize was, along with being all grown up, came responsibilities. I can look back now and laugh about how ridiculous I was. I am able to see now, just how badly I blew things out of proportion, just how badly I blew up my life. I didn’t want to be told what to do because I thought I, she’s just being mean. I didn’t realize she was teaching me but you couldn’t tell me that. I had no real understanding of what being an adult, really entailed. I thought I could take care of myself, after all, how hard could it really be? I immediately found that I couldn’t even get a job without my parents signature on the work permission slip. Even if I had not needed a permission to work slip, do you really think I could have found a job, at 14 or even 16, that would have paid me enough to live on my own? I had no real skills but I knew it all. Nobody hires “Know It Alls,” simply because they say so, huh? So, what’s a girl to do in a big mean world of big mean people just waiting to take advantage of you?
I thought I was in love. This guy was taking care of me. He had me living with him and he bought my food and so on. Did I practice safe sex? Nope and I never thought “I” would get pregnant. Now, how stupid is that? Girls have been getting pregnant since the dawn of time. It’s a fact, the simple rule of the birds and the bees. I was immature enough to think I was all grown up and knew it all. Yet, I couldn’t even understand the very concept of how, when you have sex, you get pregnant. It’s as elementary as it gets but why didn’t I believe it could or would happen to me? When you get pregnant it changes your life and oh yes Lord, you will have to grow up. But not before you learn it all the hard way. Your childhood is ripped out of your hands and you get what you want; you are all grown up. All the crying in the world won’t change a damn thing either. You can cry because you can’t go out anymore because you now have to stay home with a baby. You can cry because you just flushed your chances of going to college down the crapper, much less graduating high school with the rest of your class. You can cry because your baby won’t stop crying, even though it’s been fed, changed, cuddled and it’s still crying and it’s the middle of the night. What do you do…call Mommy?
So, you do the right thing, you get married to a guy you later realize you never loved, not in the sense of the Prince Charming you dreamed about. You fight all the time because you really didn’t know each other in the first place and you are not really compatible but you stay with him because now, you are pregnant again. Who’s going to give a job to some young girl with a kid and one on the way. You don’t even have your High School diploma because you were pregnant and didn’t graduate. Why won’t they hire you, you know it all? So, you cook and clean and try to be the good little wife and here comes baby #3 and you are happy but you hate your life and you stand there, in front of the mirror and watch in horror as your body gets stretched and distorted. Your pretty breasts are no longer youthful, you are covered in stretch marks and the circles under your eyes betray you.
Mrs. Know It All didn’t sleep again last night. The oldest child is sick with a fever and threw up all over his bedding and it’s the only set of Sesame Street sheets you own for him. So, you put him in your bed, put his sheets in the wash and then he throws up all over your sheets and child #2 just woke up because child #1 is crying because he’s sick. You’re not feeling so good yourself and you just want to cry. Next thing you know, you have two in diapers, you have this pouch that hangs at your stomach and you are standing in front of the mirror and you question, how the hell it all happened. You have stretch marks on your breasts and they just don’t stand up like they used to. You don’t have time to even contemplate it too much cause now baby #3 is crying and needs fed. You go to pick him up and he’s pooped up the back of his chair and you’ll have to clean that before you can put him back down but don’t trip over all the toys on the floor. Those damn Lego’s are the most painful, especially in the middle of the night, when you least expect it. You are so tired after cleaning up, chasing kids, doing laundry, cooking dinner, feeding the kids and you climb into bed, at the end of the night exhausted. The hubby wants to be frisky cause that’s what they do. So, you lay there, tired and feeling half dead and let a man who you really don’t love, make love to you. You just hope he’ll hurry so you can get some sleep.

So, you stand in front of the mirror again, years later and you ask yourself, “What the hell happened?”
Now, you get them all into school and you keep thinking how you want to get out of the house, maybe get a part-time job. They ask you, “Well, Mrs. Know It All, what skills do you possess, besides knowing it all, that will cause me to hire you?”
Nothing is more humbling than when you realize, that even at McDonald’s you have to be trained and that may be the only job I might be given the chance to shine?
Years go by, you feel empty inside. You are tired of your life and you want a change. You leave your husband, take his children and start out on your own. You find yourself in the same stupid mess, needing help. You meet another loser and tell yourself you are in love. He’s abusive but you feel stuck. He cripples you with his abuse and you cry in silence. He drinks and you start just to get on the same page and tolerate him. You try drugs to shut out the noise and they work, so you think. You keep slipping further and further into the lies, just so you don’t have to feel the mess you’ve created by your choices. Now, you’re addicted and those children you love so much become last on your list of important things to take care of. You never stopped loving them but you had more important things to do. You have an addiction to feed, an angry addiction.
You look in the mirror and you see a woman, old before her time. Mrs. Know It All, has track marks on her arms and hates herself so badly that she no longer wants to live. But who wants to waste good heroin on killing yourself? It’s when you don’t have it and you are so sick, that you want to die. You look at yourself, a shell of a person, a waste of skin, waste of life. And you wonder what happened?

Mrs. Know It All then became a number OF6708. She couldn’t look in the mirror from her Prison cell. She might kill herself with the glass. She was so glad she couldn’t see herself but could only imagine just how pathetic she looked. She sure didn’t know it all now. She sure wished she could turn back the hands of time but there’s no such thing. There were no tears left for her to cry as they humbled her with their strip searches and indignities.
What she became aware of, what she did learn was that she had choices all along, from the very beginning. It took a lifetime to learn. It almost took her life.

Choices

You have choices in every single minute of every day. Your story is different but I think you just need some coping skills. If your Mom tells you to do something and you question it, you need to look at why she may be asking you to do that something. You need to talk to her. If the lines of communication are down in your house, build new ones. If you think something is unfair, ask her why she is asking you to do whatever it is, she’s asking. Ask without an attitude and you just might not be met, with an attitude. Remember that your Mom is human, she’s only a woman trying to be your Mom, that ain’t easy. Ask yourself what is she trying to teach you instead of thinking she’s being mean. Write her a letter and explain how you feel and ask her to explain. Never forget what it would like without your Mom, you’ll never have another and you’ll never find the same love a mother has, for her daughter. If things are strained, don’t run, try to work it out. What choices do you have, to make things better? Make the right choice, please?

Yes, Mrs. Know It All was me. My name now, is… Mz.Babs Humbled.

Keeping It Really Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Little Steps/Locked Away

Monday, January 5, 2009

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 20 years old and obese, and have lived with my grandmother all of my life. Ever since I graduated from high school at 17, my grandmother has tightened down on me… I got a “job” with her older gentleman friend, taking care of him. $40 a week is all I get… and my grandmother gets all but $15 of that. I am not “allowed” to get another job, and even though I’ve tried many, many times to get a job without her consent, no one will hire me around here. I’m not allowed to go anywhere, talk to anyone on the phone, or anything else other people my age find “fun”. I’ve been living like this for three and a half years.

I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.

Three years ago I met the most wonderful person in my life via the internet and have established a strong, strictly monogamous (and possessive), loving relationship. We’ve promised to be married as soon as I get away from here. She can’t do anything for me either because of her situation (he parents are much like my grandmother; we are both of age but still under the strict rule of a matriarch). I am not second-guessing our relationship, how much I love her, or the fact that I want to go to her.

I want out. I’ve gotten a friend of mine to help me GET to her in another state… But I have no way of getting money or a place to stay when I do. I honestly have no hope of saving money for that purpose either. I can’t stay with her because of her parents. I can’t afford a place of my own. Should I go homeless until I can get a job? Apply for welfare? I don’t know what to do. But I’m not staying here.

Dear Locked Away,

I have no idea how you are doing what you are doing… wow. Incredible strength to live a life like yours, I just can’t fathom and completely understand wanting out.
I do want to suggest that you talk with your grandmother about what you want to do though, and tell her that you are going regardless of what or how she feels so she has the choice to either help you and support your decision or to shun you, which would be horrible for you. Explain that she has indeed raised you well, and you appreciate the life she has sustained for you and her, and you love her. But you need to stretch out and explore life, you need to live your own life, and you want her to be a part of it. But you need to do this, with or without her.

Reason I say to do this, there are two. One, is she will be worried sick if you up and leave and she has no idea what happened. Something could happen to her, which you would never forgive yourself for. Two, you owe it to yourself to stand up and take control of your life and not just run away. This is going to be the defining moment in your life, where you will look back and say “I did it, and this is my life”. You will want that moment, believe me.

I do not recommend being homeless, that’s for sure. So you need to be a little bit more proactive. Being homeless isn’t just not having a place to stay. It’s no food, no shelter, no where to keep clean (which drastically diminishes your chance at finding and keeping a job). It’s not a good route to go. And she is in the same predicament, so I don’t see her moving out of her house to live on the streets as well. Thus destroying any hope of happiness you two so want.

First things first, you have access to the internet, so use it! You can apply for jobs (there are plenty of minimum wage jobs out there to give you some experience and money, and you may need to work two jobs for the time being to get your footing) on-line, and you can look for a place to stay (like a half way house or boarding house that you can pay for daily instead of monthly like most apartments). Look around the area via on-line and see what you can do and how to survive before you do anything rash.
Get your girlfriend involved with your search, make a plan and be smart about the choices you make. You will have a great life, if you are not afraid to take the steps, and are wise enough to stay clear of the wrong ones.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Locked Away,

I have a strict rule within our little society, to never read an answer given by another staff member before I post it, simply because I do not want to be biased or swayed from or in my answer. This allows me as well, to look towards my own resources for my very own opinion. But damn if I wasn’t tempted to look at Xmichra’s answer to you. I’m almost at a loss for your answer. I will pray for guidance and wisdom in my words to you.

You are definitely in a very precarious position, one which seems to have no out. But one thing I have learned as I look back on my life; Even in my darkest hour, at the worst possible moment and situations, I can see there were always, always choices. You just must look for them. As well, sometimes it takes pure unadulterated resilience to make a change.

You must take little steps to this change, make it one day, one moment at a time. The first step is to a healthier you. You say you are obese, well, a good portion of America is obese and part of that is because we have lost touch with what it is to eat right. Once we begin to eat wrong, eating the wrong things become a “Craving.” You will crave the saturated fats, you will crave the refined sugar, Debbie Cakes, Twinkies and the lot. Yes, your body craves the poison you put into it. Once you become aware that this is happening and make a conscience effort to change it…believe it or not…it will begin to change.

Most people fall when they diet because they don’t know how to properly diet. You seem reasonably intelligent so I urge you to do your homework, study yourself; Why do you eat? What do you eat? How are you eating?

I don’t claim to be a diet guru and I sure as hell don’t know all the answers. In fact, I don’t always practice what I preach. I am 5′3 and 135lbs. That means I am not obese but I have been. In order for me to lose any weight myself, I had to take notice of a few things. It’s just a few simple observations that changed some things for me. One of those observations was that if we listen to our bodies, instead of our bad habits, deeply ingrained, thing begin to change.

In example; I noticed that those children that were of normal height and weight, my own children, in fact, do not eat if they are not hungry. Their bodies, their own metabolism tells them, “Hey, slow it down there Mister.” You can put their absolute favorite food in front of them; pizza hot dogs, chips, cake, whatever and if they are not hungry, they will not eat it…until they learn bad habits.

So, ask yourself; “Have I ever eaten just for the sake of eating, even when I wasn’t hungry?”The start of even a tad bit of self control will begin your journey in this change. You start with every time you eat, do not eat the last bite. I’m telling you, if you can do this you will begin those little steps to a new you. Next step you leave two bites and so on.

Another way to this self control is to use a smaller plate and only eat what you put on that plate, leaving that last bite and so on. As well, to begin a diet and this self control thing I’m talking about, in your diet, you may have that slice of pizza, ya just can’t eat the whole damn thing. Go ahead and have some ice cream that you might crave, just don’t eat the whole box and only have one scoop. Yes, I’m giving you permission to eat some of those things so you don’t argue with yourself. It’s just all got to be in moderation.

I’m telling you that you can do this. I believe in you. Whatever Grandma is feeding you, eat it in moderation. See, Grandma comes from the old school, where food is comfort and a good women feeds her men. I know because that premise is deeply ingrained in me. When my sons come around, the very first thing I do, even unconsciously, is offer them something to eat. It’s what we do. That’s Grandma’s way of saying I love you. But she’s loved you so much, it shows, huh? Think about that, ok?

Little Steps

“Most of us want what we want when we want it and dammit we want it right now.”

Yes, I know you want out of this/your situation right this very minute. You may even be a bit peeved because we haven’t answered you until now. I do apologize for this as we are running behind, it is my fault. But you’ve come to this juncture, not over night and the journey out will and must begin will your own mindset.

I’d like you to begin to look into the resources which may be available to you. I’ve read your letter several times and what really reaches out to me is the part where you said;

“I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.“

This situation, whether you realize it or not, may be used to your advantage. See, any time you are admitted or evaluated for Mental Health, you are given, either a Case Manager and/or a Therapist, Psychoanalyst, Psychiatrist, etc., etc. Now, find out who they are and begin to use them and your situation to your advantage. It will be named, just for you, ” Using the System” to your advantage. Sometimes if we don’t fight the system and go with it, it is a productive and possibly helpful situation.

In your scenario, you’ve fought the system. You were sent there against your will and I’d be willing to bet you were down right pissed off because of your involvement with Mental Health. Why don’t you turn this around to become a positive experience. Contact your worker or therapist and tell them exactly what is going on. Ask them for help and let them know that it is not, your situation, conducive to your mental state of mind. After you’ve said this, they will have pretty much do what they can to help you or at least steer you in the right direction. To start; simply ask if there are any resources available.

If you can not do this and you insist on breaking the chain and must move right away, find out where the shelters are in the area you want to go to. Now, this may not be the most pleasant of situations, most shelters are not the best environment. The reason for going though is that when someone goes to a shelter, they open up a “case” for you. They will then try to help you relocate. There will be available resources for you in this situation, I do believe. Walking into welfare and asking for help, especially in a new state will not get you too far right away and I do believe you might get more help by going to the shelter.

If all this does not work, I most assuredly welcome you to write us again, state the existing problem and what you have done and we’ll take it from there.

I wish you only the very best…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

From Real Food For Real People

~The Cabbage Soup Diet~

The ABC’s of a Negative Foods Diet
Many years ago, my Dad shared a book with me by the Monk, who invented this diet. The man had been an overweight Scientist, before becoming a monk. In his research, he pooled all his knowledge about Metabolism, Calories and Negative Calories.

He came up with the

“Cabbage Soup Diet”. He warned the reader, that you would certainly lose weight in the first week but you could not continue to eat this soup, by itself. He had become malnourished, himself. He made it clear, that after the first week, you must eat a sensible diet and suggested, eating the soup before your lunch and dinner.

My Dad, Mom, Husband and I, all lost weight on this soup diet. But why?

This soup ingredients has a consistent negative calorie content. What is a negative calorie?

Definition of Negative calorie diet

Negative calorie diet: The Negative calorie diet is a weight loss concept based upon the premise that consumption of foods with a “negative caloric effect” (meaning that the calories burned by chewing, digesting, and eliminating the food are greater than those contained in the food itself) will lead to rapid weight loss of up to two pounds per day.

Negative calorie diet works from the starting point that body has to burn energy to digest food. If more calories are consumed burning the food than that is contained in the food, you get a negative calorie effect.

Here’s a list of negative foods;

Negative calorie list for vegetables

Asparagus	Fennel *
Aubergine *	Gourd *
Broccoli	Leek
Cabbage *	Lettuce *
Carrots	Marrow *
Cauliflower	Peppers
Celery *	Radish *
Chicory *	Spinach
Cress *	Tomato *
Cucumber *	Turnip

Negative Fruits

Apricot	Mandarin orange
Blackberry *	Melon Canteloupe *
Blackcurrant	Peaches
Clementines	Plums
Damsons	Raspberry *
Grapefruit	Rhubarb **
Guava *	Strawberry
Honeydew Melon	Tangerine
Lemon *	Watermelon

My Recipe

1 lg head Cabbage

2 lg cans Tomatoes

1 stalk Celery

3 lg Onions

1 bunch Carrots

2 lg Green Peppers

1 lg Red Pepper

3+ cloves Garlic chipped

*4 Chicken or Beef Boullion Cubes

In a large pot, fill up half way with water and boullion cubes. Bring to boil. Cut, chip, slice your veggies and bring to a boil. Begin to simmer until tender. Add salt and pepper or whatever spices you might enjoy. I like cracked pepper in mine. I also like a few *optional things to jazz it up such as *1 lg can white boneless breast and *Mushrooms or Spinach.

The Cabbage Soup is an all-you-can-eat-cabbage-soup diet which claims that the more cabbage soup you eat, the more weight you’ll lose. The diet’s so-called fat burning soup contains negligible calories so you don’t have to worry about gaining weight. The Cabbage Soup Diet states that by adhering to the Cabbage Soup Diet for 7 days will result in immediate weight loss.

How Does the Cabbage Soup Diet work?

On the Cabbage Soup Diet, individuals are encouraged to eat as much Cabbage soup and consume as much water as they want. Other foods are involved as well but their intake is severely restricted. The cabbage soup can be eaten as many times but it is not recommended that you eat soup only as it can result in malnourishment. Drinking 7-8 glasses of water a day is also recommended. The Cabbage Soup Diet’s 7-Day plan is easy to follow, however dieters are asked to consult their doctor before following this 7-day meal plan:
~~~

If you have a special occasion coming up, or you simply need to lose weight fast, the Cabbage Soup Diet may be just what you’re looking for.

Although not suitable for long-term weight loss, the Cabbage Soup Diet is a low-fat, high-fiber diet that will help you get into shape fast before you embark on a more moderate long-term eating plan.

Pros and Cons of the Cabbage Soup Diet

Pros: You’ll lose weight fast, and can get as much of the foods listed in the program as you want. Although the diet is only for seven days (and shouldn’t be adhered to for longer), it provides a great “kick-start” for a more moderate diet.

Cons: Some people find the soup bland. Some people have reported feeling light-headed, weak, and have suffered from decreased concentration (although some who have been affected in this way felt it was well worth it, since it was only for a week and they had lost considerable weight).

Personal Note: If you’re SERIOUS about losing weight, I would URGE you to check out a brand new concept I just found out about :

Fat Loss 4 Idiots

This diet actually works BETTER than the cabbage soup diet, and it allows you to lose 9 lbs every 11 days … while eating many of your favorite foods.

Sound impossible? I thought so too, until I tried the amazing new method known a “Calorie Shifting”, which actually “tricks” your body into burning fat.

Believe me when I say this will blow you away! Click here for more info …

What the Cabbage Soup Diet is NOT

The cabbage soup diet is sometimes referred to as the “Mayo Clinic Diet”, and the “Sacred Heart Hospital Diet”. Interestingly, this diet has nothing to do with either the Mayo Clinic, nor any Sacred Heart Hospital we know about.

The Problem With Most “Mainstream” Diets

Most diets – especially “mainstream” diets, and those recommended by major medical institutions – work slowly but surely, resulting in around 1 pound of weight loss per week.

This “slow and steady” way to lose weight is certainly healthy, but suffers from one significant drawback : most people get discouraged and quit whatever diet they are on if they don’t see results quickly.
~~~

Seven Keys to Success

1. Follow the diet religiously.
2. Drink at least 4 glasses of water per day
3. Keep in mind that it’s only seven days
4. Complement the diet with a good multivitamin tablet
5. Print the information on this site so you can refer to it daily
6. Eat plenty of soup – as much as you want! Do not try to starve yourself or you’ll probably cheat and break the diet
7. Try different spices to liven up the soup and add variety
~~~
Here’s other versions, I found online;

The Cabbage Soup Diet
Also called “The Dolly Parton diet,” for reasons that are shrouded in mystery, this 7-day diet really does work–in the short term, anyway. And there’s a great purity to it–especially in the summertime when it’s wonderfully refreshing served ice cold. Ingredient proportions can be varied according to your likes and dislikes. If you’re interested in recent studies on the efficacy of soup in diets, click HERE And please read to the end of the recipe where you’ll find testimony and great ideas regarding the diet from soupsong readers.

Okay, are you ready? Here we go:

* 1 head cabbage, shredded or chopped
* 2 large onions, chopped
* 16-28 ounces canned tomatoes, chopped
* 2 green peppers
* 4 stalks celery
* 1-2 packages Lipton onion soup mix, or any dry onion soup mix (optional)
* black pepper
* any fresh herb(s) of your choice, chopped
* 6 carrots, sliced
* 1/2 pound green beans, sliced on diagonal
* 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar (optional)

Put all vegetables in a big pot and cover with water. Bring to a boil, stir in the soup mix (if desired), and boil gently for 10 minutes. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer until all the vegetables are soft. Stir in the black pepper and chopped herbs (saving some for garnish).

Eat as much of the soup as you like, as often as you like. Drink as much water as you like and non-caloric drinks including coffee, tea, and herbal teas.

Here’s what else you can eat, and when:

DAY 1: All fruits except bananas.

DAY 2: All vegetables, raw or cooked. This includes baked potato with a LITTLE butter.

DAY 3: Fruits and vegetables, but no potatoes or bananas.

DAY 4: Bananas and skim milk–eat as many as 8 bananas and drink as many as 8 glasses of skim milk.

DAY 5: Beef, skinless chicken, and/or fish–as much as 20 ounces, total. You can also eat 6 tomatoes. And you must drink 8 glasses of water. Don’t forget at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 6: Beef, skinless chicken, or fish and vegetables. Drink 8 glasses of water and eat at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 7: Brown rice, vegetables, and unsweetened fruit juice.

~~~~~~~

Cabbage Soup Recipe

* 6 large green onions
* 2 green peppers
* 1 or 2 cans of tomatoes (diced or whole)
* 3 Carrots
* 1 Container (10 oz. or so) Mushrooms
* 1 bunch of celery
* half a head of cabbage
* 1 package Lipton soup mix
* 1 or 2 cubes of bouillon (optional)
* 1 48oz can V8 juice (optional)
* Season to taste with salt, pepper, parsley, curry, garlic powder, etc.

Directions:

Slice green onions, put in a pot and start to saute with cooking spray.

Cut green pepper stem end off and cut in half, take the seeds and membrane out. Cut the green-pepper into bite size pieces and add to pot.

Take the outer leafs layers off the cabbage, cut into bite size pieces, add to pot.

Clean carrots, cut into bite size pieces, and add to pot.

Slice mushrooms into thick slices, add to pot.

If you would like a spicy soup, add a small amount of curry or cayenne pepper now.

You can use beef or chicken bouillon cubes for seasonings. These have all the salt and flavors you will need.

Use about 12 cups of water (or 8 cups and the V8 juice), cover and put heat on low. Let soup cook for a long time – two hours works well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Labels: Cabbage Soup Diet, Lose Weight

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 1:13 PM

Labels: A New You, Changing Bad Habits, Choices, Dieting, Dieting Suggestions, Eating in Moderation, Failure in Dieting, Falling Off Your Diet, Opening Doors, Resilience

Re-Post; Little Steps/Locked Away

Monday, January 5, 2009

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 20 years old and obese, and have lived with my grandmother all of my life. Ever since I graduated from high school at 17, my grandmother has tightened down on me… I got a “job” with her older gentleman friend, taking care of him. $40 a week is all I get… and my grandmother gets all but $15 of that. I am not “allowed” to get another job, and even though I’ve tried many, many times to get a job without her consent, no one will hire me around here. I’m not allowed to go anywhere, talk to anyone on the phone, or anything else other people my age find “fun”. I’ve been living like this for three and a half years.

I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.

Three years ago I met the most wonderful person in my life via the internet and have established a strong, strictly monogamous (and possessive), loving relationship. We’ve promised to be married as soon as I get away from here. She can’t do anything for me either because of her situation (he parents are much like my grandmother; we are both of age but still under the strict rule of a matriarch). I am not second-guessing our relationship, how much I love her, or the fact that I want to go to her.

I want out. I’ve gotten a friend of mine to help me GET to her in another state… But I have no way of getting money or a place to stay when I do. I honestly have no hope of saving money for that purpose either. I can’t stay with her because of her parents. I can’t afford a place of my own. Should I go homeless until I can get a job? Apply for welfare? I don’t know what to do. But I’m not staying here.

Dear Locked Away,

I have no idea how you are doing what you are doing… wow. Incredible strength to live a life like yours, I just can’t fathom and completely understand wanting out.
I do want to suggest that you talk with your grandmother about what you want to do though, and tell her that you are going regardless of what or how she feels so she has the choice to either help you and support your decision or to shun you, which would be horrible for you. Explain that she has indeed raised you well, and you appreciate the life she has sustained for you and her, and you love her. But you need to stretch out and explore life, you need to live your own life, and you want her to be a part of it. But you need to do this, with or without her.

Reason I say to do this, there are two. One, is she will be worried sick if you up and leave and she has no idea what happened. Something could happen to her, which you would never forgive yourself for. Two, you owe it to yourself to stand up and take control of your life and not just run away. This is going to be the defining moment in your life, where you will look back and say “I did it, and this is my life”. You will want that moment, believe me.

I do not recommend being homeless, that’s for sure. So you need to be a little bit more proactive. Being homeless isn’t just not having a place to stay. It’s no food, no shelter, no where to keep clean (which drastically diminishes your chance at finding and keeping a job). It’s not a good route to go. And she is in the same predicament, so I don’t see her moving out of her house to live on the streets as well. Thus destroying any hope of happiness you two so want.

First things first, you have access to the internet, so use it! You can apply for jobs (there are plenty of minimum wage jobs out there to give you some experience and money, and you may need to work two jobs for the time being to get your footing) on-line, and you can look for a place to stay (like a half way house or boarding house that you can pay for daily instead of monthly like most apartments). Look around the area via on-line and see what you can do and how to survive before you do anything rash.
Get your girlfriend involved with your search, make a plan and be smart about the choices you make. You will have a great life, if you are not afraid to take the steps, and are wise enough to stay clear of the wrong ones.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Locked Away,

I have a strict rule within our little society, to never read an answer given by another staff member before I post it, simply because I do not want to be biased or swayed from or in my answer. This allows me as well, to look towards my own resources for my very own opinion. But damn if I wasn’t tempted to look at Xmichra’s answer to you. I’m almost at a loss for your answer. I will pray for guidance and wisdom in my words to you.

You are definitely in a very precarious position, one which seems to have no out. But one thing I have learned as I look back on my life; Even in my darkest hour, at the worst possible moment and situations, I can see there were always, always choices. You just must look for them. As well, sometimes it takes pure unadulterated resilience to make a change.

You must take little steps to this change, make it one day, one moment at a time. The first step is to a healthier you. You say you are obese, well, a good portion of America is obese and part of that is because we have lost touch with what it is to eat right. Once we begin to eat wrong, eating the wrong things become a “Craving.” You will crave the saturated fats, you will crave the refined sugar, Debbie Cakes, Twinkies and the lot. Yes, your body craves the poison you put into it. Once you become aware that this is happening and make a conscience effort to change it…believe it or not…it will begin to change.

Most people fall when they diet because they don’t know how to properly diet. You seem reasonably intelligent so I urge you to do your homework, study yourself; Why do you eat? What do you eat? How are you eating?

I don’t claim to be a diet guru and I sure as hell don’t know all the answers. In fact, I don’t always practice what I preach. I am 5′3 and 135lbs. That means I am not obese but I have been. In order for me to lose any weight myself, I had to take notice of a few things. It’s just a few simple observations that changed some things for me. One of those observations was that if we listen to our bodies, instead of our bad habits, deeply ingrained, thing begin to change.

In example; I noticed that those children that were of normal height and weight, my own children, in fact, do not eat if they are not hungry. Their bodies, their own metabolism tells them, “Hey, slow it down there Mister.” You can put their absolute favorite food in front of them; pizza hot dogs, chips, cake, whatever and if they are not hungry, they will not eat it…until they learn bad habits.

So, ask yourself; “Have I ever eaten just for the sake of eating, even when I wasn’t hungry?”The start of even a tad bit of self control will begin your journey in this change. You start with every time you eat, do not eat the last bite. I’m telling you, if you can do this you will begin those little steps to a new you. Next step you leave two bites and so on.

Another way to this self control is to use a smaller plate and only eat what you put on that plate, leaving that last bite and so on. As well, to begin a diet and this self control thing I’m talking about, in your diet, you may have that slice of pizza, ya just can’t eat the whole damn thing. Go ahead and have some ice cream that you might crave, just don’t eat the whole box and only have one scoop. Yes, I’m giving you permission to eat some of those things so you don’t argue with yourself. It’s just all got to be in moderation.

I’m telling you that you can do this. I believe in you. Whatever Grandma is feeding you, eat it in moderation. See, Grandma comes from the old school, where food is comfort and a good women feeds her men. I know because that premise is deeply ingrained in me. When my sons come around, the very first thing I do, even unconsciously, is offer them something to eat. It’s what we do. That’s Grandma’s way of saying I love you. But she’s loved you so much, it shows, huh? Think about that, ok?

Little Steps

“Most of us want what we want when we want it and dammit we want it right now.”

Yes, I know you want out of this/your situation right this very minute. You may even be a bit peeved because we haven’t answered you until now. I do apologize for this as we are running behind, it is my fault. But you’ve come to this juncture, not over night and the journey out will and must begin will your own mindset.

I’d like you to begin to look into the resources which may be available to you. I’ve read your letter several times and what really reaches out to me is the part where you said;

“I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.“

This situation, whether you realize it or not, may be used to your advantage. See, any time you are admitted or evaluated for Mental Health, you are given, either a Case Manager and/or a Therapist, Psychoanalyst, Psychiatrist, etc., etc. Now, find out who they are and begin to use them and your situation to your advantage. It will be named, just for you, ” Using the System” to your advantage. Sometimes if we don’t fight the system and go with it, it is a productive and possibly helpful situation.

In your scenario, you’ve fought the system. You were sent there against your will and I’d be willing to bet you were down right pissed off because of your involvement with Mental Health. Why don’t you turn this around to become a positive experience. Contact your worker or therapist and tell them exactly what is going on. Ask them for help and let them know that it is not, your situation, conducive to your mental state of mind. After you’ve said this, they will have pretty much do what they can to help you or at least steer you in the right direction. To start; simply ask if there are any resources available.

If you can not do this and you insist on breaking the chain and must move right away, find out where the shelters are in the area you want to go to. Now, this may not be the most pleasant of situations, most shelters are not the best environment. The reason for going though is that when someone goes to a shelter, they open up a “case” for you. They will then try to help you relocate. There will be available resources for you in this situation, I do believe. Walking into welfare and asking for help, especially in a new state will not get you too far right away and I do believe you might get more help by going to the shelter.

If all this does not work, I most assuredly welcome you to write us again, state the existing problem and what you have done and we’ll take it from there.

I wish you only the very best…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

From Real Food For Real People

~The Cabbage Soup Diet~

The ABC’s of a Negative Foods Diet
Many years ago, my Dad shared a book with me by the Monk, who invented this diet. The man had been an overweight Scientist, before becoming a monk. In his research, he pooled all his knowledge about Metabolism, Calories and Negative Calories.

He came up with the
“Cabbage Soup Diet”. He warned the reader, that you would certainly lose weight in the first week but you could not continue to eat this soup, by itself. He had become malnourished, himself. He made it clear, that after the first week, you must eat a sensible diet and suggested, eating the soup before your lunch and dinner.

My Dad, Mom, Husband and I, all lost weight on this soup diet. But why?
This soup ingredients has a consistent negative calorie content. What is a negative calorie?

Definition of Negative calorie diet

Negative calorie diet: The Negative calorie diet is a weight loss concept based upon the premise that consumption of foods with a “negative caloric effect” (meaning that the calories burned by chewing, digesting, and eliminating the food are greater than those contained in the food itself) will lead to rapid weight loss of up to two pounds per day.

Negative calorie diet works from the starting point that body has to burn energy to digest food. If more calories are consumed burning the food than that is contained in the food, you get a negative calorie effect.

Here’s a list of negative foods;

Negative calorie list for vegetables

Asparagus	Fennel *
Aubergine *	Gourd *
Broccoli	Leek
Cabbage *	Lettuce *
Carrots	Marrow *
Cauliflower	Peppers
Celery *	Radish *
Chicory *	Spinach
Cress *	Tomato *
Cucumber *	Turnip

Negative Fruits

Apricot	Mandarin orange
Blackberry *	Melon Canteloupe *
Blackcurrant	Peaches
Clementines	Plums
Damsons	Raspberry *
Grapefruit	Rhubarb **
Guava *	Strawberry
Honeydew Melon	Tangerine
Lemon *	Watermelon

My Recipe

1 lg head Cabbage

2 lg cans Tomatoes

1 stalk Celery

3 lg Onions

1 bunch Carrots

2 lg Green Peppers

1 lg Red Pepper

3+ cloves Garlic chipped

*4 Chicken or Beef Boullion Cubes

In a large pot, fill up half way with water and boullion cubes. Bring to boil. Cut, chip, slice your veggies and bring to a boil. Begin to simmer until tender. Add salt and pepper or whatever spices you might enjoy. I like cracked pepper in mine. I also like a few *optional things to jazz it up such as *1 lg can white boneless breast and *Mushrooms or Spinach.

The Cabbage Soup is an all-you-can-eat-cabbage-soup diet which claims that the more cabbage soup you eat, the more weight you’ll lose. The diet’s so-called fat burning soup contains negligible calories so you don’t have to worry about gaining weight. The Cabbage Soup Diet states that by adhering to the Cabbage Soup Diet for 7 days will result in immediate weight loss.

How Does the Cabbage Soup Diet work?

On the Cabbage Soup Diet, individuals are encouraged to eat as much Cabbage soup and consume as much water as they want. Other foods are involved as well but their intake is severely restricted. The cabbage soup can be eaten as many times but it is not recommended that you eat soup only as it can result in malnourishment. Drinking 7-8 glasses of water a day is also recommended. The Cabbage Soup Diet’s 7-Day plan is easy to follow, however dieters are asked to consult their doctor before following this 7-day meal plan:
~~~

If you have a special occasion coming up, or you simply need to lose weight fast, the Cabbage Soup Diet may be just what you’re looking for.

Although not suitable for long-term weight loss, the Cabbage Soup Diet is a low-fat, high-fiber diet that will help you get into shape fast before you embark on a more moderate long-term eating plan.

Pros and Cons of the Cabbage Soup Diet

Pros: You’ll lose weight fast, and can get as much of the foods listed in the program as you want. Although the diet is only for seven days (and shouldn’t be adhered to for longer), it provides a great “kick-start” for a more moderate diet.

Cons: Some people find the soup bland. Some people have reported feeling light-headed, weak, and have suffered from decreased concentration (although some who have been affected in this way felt it was well worth it, since it was only for a week and they had lost considerable weight).

Personal Note: If you’re SERIOUS about losing weight, I would URGE you to check out a brand new concept I just found out about :

Fat Loss 4 Idiots

This diet actually works BETTER than the cabbage soup diet, and it allows you to lose 9 lbs every 11 days … while eating many of your favorite foods.

Sound impossible? I thought so too, until I tried the amazing new method known a “Calorie Shifting”, which actually “tricks” your body into burning fat.

Believe me when I say this will blow you away! Click here for more info …

What the Cabbage Soup Diet is NOT

The cabbage soup diet is sometimes referred to as the “Mayo Clinic Diet”, and the “Sacred Heart Hospital Diet”. Interestingly, this diet has nothing to do with either the Mayo Clinic, nor any Sacred Heart Hospital we know about.

The Problem With Most “Mainstream” Diets

Most diets – especially “mainstream” diets, and those recommended by major medical institutions – work slowly but surely, resulting in around 1 pound of weight loss per week.

This “slow and steady” way to lose weight is certainly healthy, but suffers from one significant drawback : most people get discouraged and quit whatever diet they are on if they don’t see results quickly.
~~~

Seven Keys to Success

1. Follow the diet religiously.
2. Drink at least 4 glasses of water per day
3. Keep in mind that it’s only seven days
4. Complement the diet with a good multivitamin tablet
5. Print the information on this site so you can refer to it daily
6. Eat plenty of soup – as much as you want! Do not try to starve yourself or you’ll probably cheat and break the diet
7. Try different spices to liven up the soup and add variety
~~~
Here’s other versions, I found online;

The Cabbage Soup Diet
Also called “The Dolly Parton diet,” for reasons that are shrouded in mystery, this 7-day diet really does work–in the short term, anyway. And there’s a great purity to it–especially in the summertime when it’s wonderfully refreshing served ice cold. Ingredient proportions can be varied according to your likes and dislikes. If you’re interested in recent studies on the efficacy of soup in diets, click HERE And please read to the end of the recipe where you’ll find testimony and great ideas regarding the diet from soupsong readers.

Okay, are you ready? Here we go:

* 1 head cabbage, shredded or chopped
* 2 large onions, chopped
* 16-28 ounces canned tomatoes, chopped
* 2 green peppers
* 4 stalks celery
* 1-2 packages Lipton onion soup mix, or any dry onion soup mix (optional)
* black pepper
* any fresh herb(s) of your choice, chopped
* 6 carrots, sliced
* 1/2 pound green beans, sliced on diagonal
* 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar (optional)

Put all vegetables in a big pot and cover with water. Bring to a boil, stir in the soup mix (if desired), and boil gently for 10 minutes. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer until all the vegetables are soft. Stir in the black pepper and chopped herbs (saving some for garnish).

Eat as much of the soup as you like, as often as you like. Drink as much water as you like and non-caloric drinks including coffee, tea, and herbal teas.

Here’s what else you can eat, and when:

DAY 1: All fruits except bananas.

DAY 2: All vegetables, raw or cooked. This includes baked potato with a LITTLE butter.

DAY 3: Fruits and vegetables, but no potatoes or bananas.

DAY 4: Bananas and skim milk–eat as many as 8 bananas and drink as many as 8 glasses of skim milk.

DAY 5: Beef, skinless chicken, and/or fish–as much as 20 ounces, total. You can also eat 6 tomatoes. And you must drink 8 glasses of water. Don’t forget at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 6: Beef, skinless chicken, or fish and vegetables. Drink 8 glasses of water and eat at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 7: Brown rice, vegetables, and unsweetened fruit juice.

~~~~~~~

Cabbage Soup Recipe

* 6 large green onions
* 2 green peppers
* 1 or 2 cans of tomatoes (diced or whole)
* 3 Carrots
* 1 Container (10 oz. or so) Mushrooms
* 1 bunch of celery
* half a head of cabbage
* 1 package Lipton soup mix
* 1 or 2 cubes of bouillon (optional)
* 1 48oz can V8 juice (optional)
* Season to taste with salt, pepper, parsley, curry, garlic powder, etc.

Directions:

Slice green onions, put in a pot and start to saute with cooking spray.

Cut green pepper stem end off and cut in half, take the seeds and membrane out. Cut the green-pepper into bite size pieces and add to pot.

Take the outer leafs layers off the cabbage, cut into bite size pieces, add to pot.

Clean carrots, cut into bite size pieces, and add to pot.

Slice mushrooms into thick slices, add to pot.

If you would like a spicy soup, add a small amount of curry or cayenne pepper now.

You can use beef or chicken bouillon cubes for seasonings. These have all the salt and flavors you will need.

Use about 12 cups of water (or 8 cups and the V8 juice), cover and put heat on low. Let soup cook for a long time – two hours works well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Labels: Cabbage Soup Diet, Lose Weight

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 1:13 PM

Labels: A New You, Changing Bad Habits, Choices, Dieting, Dieting Suggestions, Eating in Moderation, Failure in Dieting, Falling Off Your Diet, Opening Doors, Resilience

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Playing With Fire

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Playing With Fire

by SidellSez

Dear Aunt Babz,

So there is this girl. This girl I care for a lot, and like her a lot. She like me too. Simple right? Not. My close friend likes her too. And guess what, she’s also admitted to liking him. We’ve both hooked up with her. We both know this, but its almost taboo to talk about with each other. I mean we have before, but never came to any conclusion. She eventually told us she didn’t want to pick, but be friends with both of us. We’ll that didn’t last long, and we are both pursuing her again. What should I do. And please don’t say that I shouldn’t anymore, cause she is playing us. I’ve realized that one. Im just confused and need an alternative!

Thanks,

Lost and Confused
Dear Lost and Confused,

I am not sure what to say, since you already know the problem and the solution but choose not to take it. So. Best I can do is offering you a bit of advice about your current actions.

You know that you are playing with fire, and someone is going to get burned. But the fire is fun and exciting, which makes it hard to stop. I get that… been there. But you need to sit down with your friend and talk even if it is taboo. You may think that these things won’t come between you two (because you figured it out before) but they will.

This girl is trouble for you two, and you need to sort out what is going to happen between the two of you and set some friendship ground rules, that’s for sure.
You know that no good can come of this, pursuing this girl from the both of you, so now you just need to do damage control since neither of you are willing to give it up and neither is she.

Wish I had better advice for you, but your gut instinct is right on this one.. you just need to have the courage to listen to it.

Good luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Lost and Confused,
Thank you for contacting Sidell Sez,
You are writing to me about a girl that both you and your friend like a lot. You wonder what you can do to find out about who she most cares for, you or your friend. My advice to you is that you need to take your time and as time passes, what she feels for you will be revealed. When you know how much she cares for either you or your friend, you will be in a better position to make a decision in regards to what you can do! So, for now, I advise you to take it easy and enjoy being friends.

I hope this helps!

Thank you for contacting,

SidellSez!

Written by Staff & Ask Aunt B at 2:05 PM

Re-Visiting; "Remember; You’re Doing Nothing Wrong…"

Editor’s Notation; I received the following comment via email about a post from Wednesday, January 23, 2008. The question was answered by our Chief Resident Society Member, “Xmichra” as well as MPJ, our guest adviser from
A Room of Mama’s Own

The post generated many comments and the buzz is still going, evidently, since we have in the past and are still receiving comments, etc. Certainly controversial, we’d love to know how you feel about it. We will publish your comment as well. Write to askauntb@gmail.com

Date: 2/5/2009 1:10:19 PM

To: mzbabz@comcast.net

Subject: [~Free Advice; Ask Aunt B~] New comment on Remember; You’re Doing Nothing Wrong…..

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post “Remember; You’re Doing Nothing Wrong…“:

I’d like to clarify that I do not believe that porn is “evil” or “wrong.” I am open to watching it with him, it just makes me feel like sh*t when he does it behind my back and lies about it if I catch him. I’m not TRYING to catch my husband masturbating to porn, believe me; it just causes World War III and I’m sick of trying to validate my feelings to him on the subject. What bothers me the most is that our sex life has been slacking in quantity and quality for over a year now, and any time I try to initiate something different, new positions, etc. I get shot down…and the things that I’ve been wanting to do since we got married are things that he watches online but STILL has never done with me. Yes, I am jealous of the porn itself because he would rather watch strangers do these things than do them with me. My body has not changed, I look exactly the same as I did the day we met. He is not like other guys I dated before, that’s why I married him… but at the same time, there is no possible way to win an argument with him because he deals with EVERYTHING with ultimatums. It’s his way or no way, and I’m almost ready to give up.

Posted by Anonymous to ~Free Advice; Ask Aunt B~ at February 05, 2009

Dear Depressed & Hurt Wife, I have to admit, after reading the comments again from your original post, I got a little worried about the conversation you had with your husband. There were a lot of opinions there, and a few *I* would have questioned the motive behind, had it been me being talked to. I am glad you got back to us, I can see that this is a major issue, it was a year ago you wrote into us in the first place. I think what you are feeling is completely rational, I would be jealous as well (and I *do* look different from when we first met!). But there are a few things I would ask… What you are doing (initiating) isn’t a bad thing at all, and wanting to have sex isn’t bad either. Maybe your husband has a lower sex drive than you (hard to imagine with the watching of porn, but some people watch porn and masturbate in the hopes of becoming better in bed, and excited more for their partner.). I am not sure. And I am no expert. I want to also say, that there are things in fantasy world that we, in our normal regular lives, fantasize about but do not want to do. Sounds crazy right? What is the point of fantasy if there is no chance for realism? The point (for some) is to find their boundaries, and their comfort zones. Maybe some of the things he is watching he wants to see, and maybe one day do, but isn’t comfortable yet to do it. You said you can’t win an argument with him… have you been able to talk to him without an argument taking place? Sex is very personal, we all know this. But for some people there are a lot of other issues and taboos that go with having sex that they become really defensive and argumentative. So if you haven’t been able to have an open dialogue conversation without arguing, this is a sign that you definitely need a third party (like a relationship councilor, or sex therapist) to help mediate. I understand that you are frustrated and there may be hesitance to seek professional help, but honestly if you do not do this… I am afraid that you two will either be lonely in a resentful marriage, or divorced. This isn’t a small issue, and I hope you do get the resolve required to satisfy not only your sex life, but the feelings of hurt. If you need help finding someone in your area, please write back and we will try to help you, completely confidential. ~Xmichra.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

"My Life"

Because Aunt B cusses sometimes!

Dear Aunt Babz,

To whom it may concern,

I need advice, and up until now I can’t seem to find logical answers to my dilemma. It concerns my job and my health, and I am almost at the end of my rope. I will explain.

I am a 52 yr. old male, college educated, and work in the maintenance dept. of a local hospital as a maintenance mechanic. I am responsible for repairing and maintaining all the machinery in the hospital and it’s surrounding facilities. Among them being all housekeeping equipment, all laundry equipment, some kitchen equipment, hospital beds, exhaust fans, water pumps, air handlers (heating and cooling), compressors, and sump pumps. This list is so overwhelming to me it has begun to severely stress me out. My blood pressure is out of control, although I am on medication, my weight has increased by about 50 lbs. since starting this job, and I feel trapped with nowhere to go. I have frequent migraines, and in fact today I called in sick because of it. I have missed a lot of work due to these headaches, and if it weren’t for the Family Medical Leave Act, I would likely have lost my job by now. Last year I missed 43 days due to severe headaches, and I have missed 4 days this year (month) already.

In the beginning these responsibilities were split between me and another mechanic, but in March the other person is going to retire and our supervisor has pretty much given all of his work to me as well. What makes this job even more stressful is that when it was “given” to me I was totally unqualified to do the job. I was literally forced to take the position. Our hospital has a union, in which I am a part of, and in 1998 there was a strike over benefits and other issues. During this strike certain employees must have done things on the picket line that didn’t agree with management, so when the strike ended they felt they had a “score” to settle with these employees. So once we were all back to work, the management began shuffling people around to get to the people they had targeted.

Jobs were eliminated, people were laid off, and in my case, I was called in to the boss’ office and “strongly encouraged” to take another position (my current, mechanic job), which in his words it was “in my best interest” to take the job, otherwise my current position could be eliminated and I would be unemployed. Apparently I was “in the way” of a certain employee who had more seniority than I, but to get to them I had to be moved out of the way. I enjoyed my previous position, mostly because it had a lot less responsibility attached to it, although the pay was much less. Last year I made a little over $51,000, which isn’t bad for a single person working in this particular area of the country. I have worked at this hospital for 29 years, and over those years my pay has increased steadily, and I have basically gone as far as I can go on the so-called “ladder of success” at this hospital. And I use the word “success” with tongue-in-cheek.

My health has suffered greatly while at this position, and I don’t have to tell you how hard it would be to leave and find anything else that even comes close to my current income, especially with the current state of the economy in this country. I have considered selling everything I own, which in a lifetime one accumulates a certain amount of things as his/her career progresses. I have a home, 2 vehicles (car and truck), and live comfortably on my income.

So that is it in a nutshell. I don’t know if I should quit, sell everything, and move into a small apartment, or do something more drastic. I have thought of suicide, and yes, I know that is pretty drastic. But at this time I don’t think I could go that far, mostly because I have a dog that I absolutely adore and couldn’t leave because she needs me. (ha ha) But I am desperately looking for a way out of this situation. The local job service suggested going back to school and learning another trade, but with me being 52 now, and probably being at least 54 or older when getting out of school, the chances of anyone wanting to hire a person in this advanced age and paying them very much would be very remote. So that idea doesn’t seem logical..

I know it is a very complex problem, and I have struggled for a long time trying to come up with a solution. I have been to counseling, talked to my pastor, and even tried talking to my bosses about this. My bosses don’t seem to care about my personal issues, and in my opinion they are just waiting on me to “crack”. And I don’t mind telling you that I feel I am getting close to a nervous breakdown, but I keep trying to fight it.

Sorry this is so long, but with all that is going on I couldn’t have condensed the story to make any sense of it, so this is how it turned out.

What are your thoughts?

Sincerely,
Gary

Dear Gary,

I am not 53, but I completely know what you are talking about, 100%. See here is a little insight into the realm of Xmichra’s real world: I hate my current position and it has been horrid on my health too. I had a very great position, worth a lot less money, before I took on this “assignment” and have regretted it almost every day since ( I think I was in shell shock the first week).

My job now is very stressful, very time consuming, and not at all where my passion is. I was in a very similar situation to you regarding the job offer, and sincerely wish I hadn’t taken it. I am currently on maternity leave, and thank the gods because this break is needed for me to figure out what I can do and can’t do (because like you, I do need money to live and this job has it).

I understand the dynamic of this economy (even though I do live in Canada, it is still affecting us as well) and the hesitancy to leave a stable and profitably employer. But when you get to the point where you are, and that is to say you would consider taking your own life as a way out, then you HAVE to think about solutions that albeit are scary to undertake, are necessary.

You mentioned that you didn’t feel schooling would be a good option, but I disagree. I know of quite a few people who have gone back to school in their later years to improve their knowledge (and resume) and have had success in finding a well paying job afterwards. There is something to be said for a person who has lived a life, held a job for over 20 years, can change and learn, and still enjoys learning. And that is definitely something that as a person who employees others, I would look at very positively. And I know others do as well. But if you don’t want to go back to school (which is fine) there is a bit of a crunch out there for work, so you would be thinking about “in the mean time” while you were unemployed. This may take a long time, so make sure that you can still remain comfortable while in transition.

I will ask though, have you seen the doctor about all this?? I am assuming that you are covered by health care (most union workers are) for things like long term disability. And with the amount of times you miss work due to headaches/migraines; you should be seeing a doctor every single time and getting that documented. You should also get things like weight gain and depression looked after. Seriously, if the job is that bad for your health and you feel like you cannot lose your job because of this economy so you have to go…. well you may want to look into getting a documented case for LTD. Just a suggestion.

Ultimately you want to make a choice here, and you know what it is. You don’t want to do this job anymore. So now you need a way out, that is good for your life. Because really, why would you want to commit suicide? You have the means to downgrade your living expenses and to leave the job, which would fix your situation to enjoy your life. And that is the point right? To enjoy your life. Sometimes we have to take drastic measures to ensure our own happiness and well being, and this is one situation where I think you have given ample amounts of thought into things, and you know what you would have to do in order to live well.

There will be no safety net, and you know this. So you need to rely on your own assets and skills. You can and will find another job (maybe not one as high paying) and you can downsize your expenses. You have the ability to try something new. You also have the right (check with your union on timing) to take an unpaid leave of absence to figure things out (usually for 3 months). So use your union for the better, take the chances you need to take, and get your life back!

Good Luck, and I hope you find your happiness again.

~Xmichra.

Dear Gary,

I pray I am given the very words to calm your Spirit. I can feel that you are at your wits end. I can also appreciate your effort in taking the time to write us here at Aunt B.

Just now, I caught myself reading Xmichra’s answer(before I post and write to you), a no-no in my book but damn if I wasn’t curious as to what she responded to you. I had to walk away from the computer so I wouldn’t cheat. She does give sound advice especially in this niche, her specialty.

Momentarily, it will seem off the subject but I’d found out, rather recently, that my Orthopedic Surgeon, Richard S. Goodman, MD, JD, has died. He was a renowned Long Island/NYC Clinical Chairman of Surgery at SABA University School of Medicine as well as his private practices. More importantly, to me at least, he was a good man whom I was quite fond of. I am rather devastated and at such a loss but I found myself recalling our many conversations.

I went to his office approximately once a month for follow-up and almost always engaged in rather stimulating conversation every time. I highly anticipated these visits and in fact would think about what I might ask him long before I drove to his office. The man was a wealth of knowledge, extremely blunt and forthright but I learned something from him every single time I went to his Practice in Smithtown, N.Y. I guess that it astounded me how he would take such time to talk with me when I knew he had people out in the office waiting for him.

The time before last, if I recall correctly, I’d asked him one of my “frustrated journalist” type questions; “Are you happy in your Profession?” Now, I should have said “Profession(s)” because he was not only a Doctor but an Attorney as well. Dr. Goodman was often called upon as an expert witness in numerous medical cases.

The Doctor was an older gentleman and he’d, obviously been around the block a time or two. He scoffed at my question. Basically, he explained, that the medical profession was certainly not nor did it resemble anything it used to be or how it was designed.

It is not verbatim but he stated, unequivocally that they, the Doctors/Specialists were plagued with paperwork and locked into certain criteria because of insurance regulations.

Less and less time is afforded the patients while the bulk of his time was spent on diagnosis codes and insurance papers. Where there should have been further allowance for Doctor/Patient visitation and relations, he’d found himself having to spend too much time and effort in the “insurance” part of it.

They’re locked into whatever the insurance companies/HMO’s dictate and the patient has a much smaller degree in visitation with their Doctor. All the while, the insurance companies profit and get richer and richer whilst the Art of Medicine suffers amongst the politics of it all.

We talked for quite some time that day, per usual and I paid attention to his every word. I’ve gone on since then, painfully aware of the “Politics” of it all. The point being, in this situation is that I was not aware before of the games, the politics in the Medical Industry, i.e., hospitals and so on.

I can clearly see that you are a victim of such games and politics, huh? Yes, the good Doctor has enlightened me once again because had it not been for that conversation with Dr. Goodman, I might not understand fully, this political bullshit you are dealing with. And that is, without a doubt exactly what it is; Bullshit to the 9th power.

I am not certain that there’s any easy answer to this question you have posed. What I can and will say is that, “You only live once. Why not try to be happy?” So, what would or could it take to get you to some semblance of happiness?

More prevalent, to me is; what can we/you do to keep you from the mindset of becoming suicidal? Yes, that, your words speak volumes to me and I do feel your pain. I take it real serious too as I’ve been on that side of the fence, actually sitting on it, teetering back and forth between the pain of it all and the selfishness of the act itself. At the time though, all I could feel was the pain, it blinded me from the true significance of it all.

Having said this, broaching the subject head-on, I will tell you that, for you to even write those words, I knew that you are in such pain. It is unfathomable, this pain both physical and emotional that you are going through. I hope you will read my words to you and read them with a warm and hearing heart…

First and foremost, we must get those headaches manageable. I’ve suffered through and with 5 different types of diagnosed headaches, myself and without a doubt, that’s enough for someone to want to extinguish the light, in and of itself. So, I can somewhat relate.

Most of us “Want what we want, when we want it,” meaning we want it right now and in a hurry. I am no exception. I want it yesterday! But I think some of these things, the trappings, comings and goings of your life will have to be addressed one thing, one minute at a time.

There could be several factors, things that are causing your headaches, which I’m sure you are aware. In my own case, I stated that I had several different types and although I could be wrong, I do believe that you are lumping different pain/headaches into one category; Migraine.

What I am saying is that if it is an actual migraine, there are medications, good meds for treatment but they are certainly not one and the same,(migraines vs headache). It is highly possible that you are experiencing high blood pressure headaches as well as muscle tension, all of which require different attention as well as understanding of their difference. Each and every one of these can be debilitating, in and of itself.

The stress factors in your life are enough to cause headache all by themselves. Even the very thought or anticipation of headache is enough to send someone into a tailspin.

Personally, I have to do several things just to get through my own day. I am on blood pressure meds too and oddly enough, my pain usually causes my BP to go up.

I start my day thusly; I turn on the espresso machine and then I put my heat bag in the microwave. (Here’s a nifty idea to make your own) If you are not crafty, as most guys are not, I suggest purchasing one. I’ve had a rice bag as well as a bag made with corn. I can’t imagine life without one of these. As I said, I wake up and use the heated bag and through out the day, especially if I type a lot, I will heat it up again and put the bag around my neck. It really makes a difference in the amount as well as the severity of my headaches.

Stress in and of itself can debilitate, don’t you know? Stress kills, causes disorders, heart attacks and how we handle every day stress makes all the difference. This statement comes from a woman, myself, who’s been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (w/hypervigilance). Panic attacks are an every day occurrence for me. So, it’s no bullshit to say that I come from a place of experience as well as a few pointers.

Becoming aware of the things that stress you is of the utmost importance. It seems to me that you have pretty much narrowed it down, primarily, as your job.

Mentioning that I am aware of the politics involved in/at your establishment is for a reason. I realize that you can not just complain and change things. Besides it basically involving a complaint which will fall on deaf ears, I’m sure you are aware. Those that are deemed complainers are usually blacklisted and in some ways put on the same list as whistle blowers. So, what can you do?

For starters, you must come to a place of happiness, where you begin to look out for numero uno. Your first source, your first destination has got to be a knowing a presence of mind that happiness is simply a state of mind.

What I am saying is that I have met, particularly women who were doing “Life” but had found that place of happiness or rather, they “chose” to be happy. But how is that possible Babz?

Choices

When it’s all said and done, anything and everything in life comes down to choices. We can choose to be happy in the worst of situations or the exact opposite. When faced with the firing squad, in example, we can choose to be graced with the idea that it’ll only hurt for a second, if that. Or we can over analyze it, like I am famous for(I talk myself out of this over psychoanalysis on the daily) and stand there debating who it is that will fire the blank, how bad it’s gonna hurt, is it gonna be a big mess, omg what if they miss. This is typical behavior of the infamous “Say’ers™.”

Every day we are faced with choices. Often times we can’t or don’t see those choices. We also have doors or windows of opportunity as I’m sure you can look back in retrospect and see where you felt you were locked into a situation. You just could not see those choices. But again, every day we must choose to be “do’ers” or we can be “say’ers.”
[Aunt B terminology™]

I’ll start with what I lovingly call the “Say’ers™.” Say’ers are the kind of people and I know you’ve had the misfortune to have met. Some are just dripping with negativity. They are the kind of people who sit in their own shit and complain how really really bad it stinks. They are usually the first ones to point out, as well, just how bad your shit stinks, too!

They bitch and moan about their lives to anyone and everyone who will listen. Watch as they single handedly ruin your sunny disposition, yes, they’re enough to piss off a Preacher. They’ll stomp the piss out of any positive feedback too, telling you that it won’t work, you’re full of shit and don’t ya know, they know it all.

The funniest statement these Say’ers proudly proclaim to you is, “Your first mistake was thinking I could ever make a mistake.” And I do believe that half their problem is that they worry too much.

The “Do’ers™” in this life will just do the dang thing. They’ll search diligently for the “Silver Lining” in all situations. Faced with a negative situation, they will turn it around, even if it’s in their own mind and make it palatable, make it work for them.

Faced with that same, at sunrise firing squad, the “Do’ers™” will offer coffee and “of course it’s no trouble to make 12 Latte’s.” They’re the ones that will comfort you by pointing out that there’s no hard feelings and for real, one of you has a blank so don’t you worry about that guilt, I’m already working on forgiving you.

Now, don’t mistake the “Do’ers™“for patsy’s, as they are far from it. No, the difference is that they’ll take charge of their own environment. They realize that life in and of its self is a state of mind. And they’ll make the very best out of a reasonably bad situation. They are not “worry free” but tend to realize that sometimes you have no control, come what may, all else is filed under the category, “Let Go & Let God.”

Yours is a reasonably bad situation. But I can tell that you are a “Do’er™“ I just wanted to remind you. I’m also not playing the “Power of Postive Thinking” card on you. Yet at the same time, that is exactly what you need to do, think positively. I just don’t want you to think that as I’m writing you, it’s all some bullshit mantra to tide you over.

Because life is a state of mind and home is where you hang your heart, I suggest that you begin to see it as such. You must begin a journey, open a new chapter, in this book, “My Life.”

Right now, you are overwhelmed by it all. Begin to break it all down, assess it, in and of its self, meaning, take each individual problem and view it separately. Then, work on one piece at a time. I would start with the headaches.

Don’t give up or give into these headaches as they will rule you. Be your own advocate concerning them. Take the tips I’d given you, prior, seriously. Most men tend to scoff at such things, for whatever reason…and suffer. Why suffer?

When you feel a headache coming on, pop a couple of Motrin and dammit if nothing else, get an old sock fill it with rice and cloves, tie a knot in the end of it and heat the sock for two minutes. Do this as a preventive measure. When you come home from work, first thing you do is put this stupid sock around your neck<<—I just read your mind, hahaha! I promise not to tell and really, isn’t it just smart to take charge of your situation, namely those confounded headaches? If you can cut these headaches out, your first line of business is battled. If you treat yourself right, when you get home from work, you’ll be better for it and there’s a good possibility that you’ll be headache free in the mornings. I am 50 so I can relate, concerning your age and starting over. Rather, I understand you not wanting to go back to school, although it may come to that. Again, it is all a mind set. If you think about it, it’s really never too late to do anything if you choose to do it because the outcome is positive and it’ll make you happy or help you in some way. The question here, then becomes; “what will it take for you to find some happiness?”

Just for the sake of security, I would do or rather begin to implement a strategy, one you’ve mentioned of sorts; Downsizing.

Might I also mention that you’ve got to be ahead of their game. The very best way you can beat them is with your own state of mind.

Now, repeat after me; You will not allow them to get you down. You will not allow them to own you, your life or your happiness.

The choices we decide to follow through with in this life, of course are not always the right ones. We live, we love, we learn, we laugh, especially at ourselves, right?

Look for the laughter, please, my friend! Search diligently for something every day that makes you laugh.
Comedy Central’s Jokes.com
This is actually my own rule, one which I do preach and follow. At night, I always find something to make me laugh. In my search, it takes my mind off of things, laughter is good for the soul.

I suppose I’ve not really given you an answer but rather a state of mind. How you proceed from this moment further can and will shape the things to come. No, this is not some feel good package all rolled up, tied with a pretty bow.

One things for certain; You can own you or they can own you. You can choose to be positive or you can allow them to take you down. Personally, if I have my way, you’ll begin a regimen of self healing, self preservation and self motivation.

One more thing. It is my own quote, one which I am extremely fond of, an approach to life. Think about this;

“Some say the glass of water is half empty.
Some say the glass of water is half full.
I say, I am just grateful for the water.”

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

More Reading;

Stress Related Disorders

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Be The Key

Dear Aunt Babz,

My husband is an alcoholic we have been married for 8 years we have three kids 7, 5, and 2 this Christmas eve he got drunk and after i got the kids to lay down to sleep he got them up and took them with him to a guys house he drinks with to play with his kids at 10:30 PM i went to the house and got the kids back within minutes and took them to my moms house my problem is that I need to make a decision on weather or not to leave him I do love him but i am not sure if this out ways the bad we see every day with the drinking please help

Dear Reader,

Addiction/Alcoholism is such a bitch. I’m sure you’ll agree. It not only affects the person and their behavior but like a domino effect, it affects all those around the addict. I know…I am an addict.

It’s a bit complicated but I would encourage you to begin your assault on this scenario by arming yourself with knowledge and understanding of just what you are facing. Since you’ve contacted me via email, I can assume you have access to a computer and internet. Do some research on alcoholism (A.A.), as well as Co-Dependents Anonymous(CODA) and Al-Anon.

Now, forgive this commercial interruption brought to you by “Babz the Banshee”…

You have your hands full, especially when he doesn’t see how wrong it is for him to drive drunk with his children in the car. He will when he goes to jail and it, this exact scenario happens every day. Even worse though is the very real fact of his hurting his own children or someone else.

The problem is that when someone is under the influence, they can not see the perils they place themselves or others in… until it is too late. It is proven that your response time is compromised even after one drink. But the proponents for the drinking establishment, namely the drunk will tell you differently.

Now, if you think that CODA which stands for co-dependency has nothing to do with you, let me point out something; he either took or you allowed your husband to take your children, drive drunk, place them in harms way and there was no consequence for his actions. He got away with it, didn’t he, once again unscathed.

Now that might sound harsh but I needed to say it simply because until you begin to see the true seriousness of your situation, there will be no change. I don’t want you to be offended by my words, no I want you to arm yourself with them and allow them to strengthen you. I am on your side and I mean this with every fiber of my being.

I am not standing in judgment, ok? I’ve driven drunk with my own children in the car, something I am terribly NOT proud of. I will readily admit my faults and in fact until I was able to do this, nothing ever got better, nor did it change. In the same vein, until your husband can admit his faults, as well as his powerlessness over this disease and hopefully before it’s too late, nothing changes for him either.

I am not implying that you are not a good mother and that you would normally allow such things. I realize you went and picked the children up and probably thanked God nothing happened. But let me tell you that I personally have been incarcerated with people who were in there for driving under the influence(DUI/DWI) and killed someone.

It’s a really serious situation that most people do not comprehend until they are sitting in Prison for Vehicular Homicide/Vehicular Manslaughter. In most cases they will be incarcerated for 7 to 10 years, just enough time to lose their families and in the case of women, lose their children if there is no family member to take them during their incarceration.

I personally heard and held the weeping women after they’d just signed papers or came from proceeds or hearings where they just lost their parental rights. Their children were then placed with foster care or adoption agencies. It’s no joke and no turning back, no reprieve. All the “apologies” in the world don’t make a diddly damn difference.

I realize the difference but I wanted you to know just how serious the situation CAN be. Your husband has got to understand just how bad it could will be. I know how hard it is, this addiction thing. I am an alcoholic/heroin addict in recovery. It is without a doubt one of the hardest things to overcome but it can be done.

My advice to you is to understand that YOU can not change him. Normally, a person must hit their own personal rock bottom before they see just what the hell went wrong. In order for him to see this and realize that he must change and begin his own road to recovery, there must be repercussions, consequences for his actions, behavior and yes, his alcoholism.

You may very well be the key, the message sending point. What I mean is this; If you do not play hard ball with him, if you continue to allow it to affect you, as well as your children, absolutely nothing will change. Nothing, Nada, Not a Damn Thing. Yes, you will have to send that message to him.

If you do have the means to leave him, I encourage you to possibly sit down and tell him that his behavior has affected not only you but now he has endangered the children. You are prepared to leave him if he does not seek treatment. He will scoff at such measures, you must be prepared for that. “Never in a million years,” he will say, “would I ever put the kids in jeopardy”…but he did, under the influence. You’ve got to be ready to point this out.

The simple truth of the matter is unpleasant but obvious;

“Alcohol and Drugs Cloud and Poison Perception.”

His first line of defense will most certainly be to downplay the significance of his behaviors and you’ve got to be ready, willing and able to strike at that very moment. I can just about guarantee that he’ll tell you are being dramatic, making a big deal outta nothing. This is that exact time, the very moment that you must make a stand. You must tell him like it is, you must be strong and you’ve got to be committed to what you say. You must mean it!

For many in addiction, because they are knee deep in their own crap, they can’t smell how bad it stinks as they’re used to it as well as half the time they are bombed and either don’t remember what they did or they choose not to look at it.

You should give him an ultimatum to seek help, clean up his act before it kills him or he hurts someone else. Yes, this is a deadly game that most do not or can not see until it is too late.

From the post Red Flags, please read

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

I wrote this [an excerpt from an assignment I was given] as part of my own personal observations and these drinking habit(s) are/is becoming statistically as prevalent in women as well.

Let me also point something out to you; i.e., if you grew up in a home where there was physical abuse, you are more likely to see/view spousal abuse as the norm. Women who’ve come from this sort of background quite often think to themselves that they’ve, of course, done something wrong and deserved it. The stark reality of it is that no one should put their hands on you, especially not your husband. But see, if you’ve grown up in a home where you were beaten, you are more likely to not only be attracted to that sort of fella but see nothing wrong with the behavior. Or…tell yourself this anyway, right?

In contrast to that very scenario, the same goes for someone who grew up in a home where a parent drank, exhibiting alcoholic behavior. Even though something tells you it’s just not right, subconsciously you’ll cultivate the thought process to explain it away as somewhat acceptable behavior. What I mean is you’ll down play it and never really give it the full weight and merit it truly affords.

I implore you to do your homework long before you go up against something as big as his addiction. You are talking about something, behaviors that can not be eradicated over night. It takes diligence and fortitude to tackle this timeless and terrible disease. Most assuredly, your love will be tested as well as your backbone. I have faith in you, though!

The best advice I could possibly give you is to be very aware of your approach to this whole thing. You must not be judgmental or condescending. Always treat your husband with respect and afford him his dignity. You’ve really got to let him know that if he makes an effort, you will stand by his side, as a good wife does and will always do. You let him know that you will honor your vows to him…in sickness and in health. That is exactly what it is too; Sickness

In the same way you might view Diabetes, a multifaceted disease, you’ve got to put Addiction/Alcoholism in an understandable and diffusional light. It’s real important to understand that addiction is a disease. I stress this point because just like you or anyone else for that matter, would not ever be ashamed because they had diabetes, they should lose the shame, the stigma that goes along with admitting one is an addict.

The only real shame, in this game, comes from not trying to ascertain sobriety. The only real shame, for any addict is to fool yourself into thinking that you can not attain sobriety. It does take work, hard work and the most important aspect to consider is that it is a continuous effort on the part of everybody involved.

It is imperative to remember as well, especially in the future, to never think, “You’ve got it dicked.” That and getting too comfortable is the addicts first and foremost mistake. If you asked most alcoholics, what led to their relapse, in a unilateral sense, almost unanimously you’ll hear that they fell when they quit going to meetings, quit outpatient treatment and more/most importantly quit being honest with themselves.

So the resounding voice of reason, in this and in every case is the application of “**The Twelve Steps.” My suggestion is for you to read and study these yourself, then go to your husband, sit him down and talk to him like the best of friends. He must come to realize that his drinking problem has affected you as well as the children. He has got to understand that in order for you to stand behind him, as a good wife does, he’s got to be able to stand up himself, literally as well as figuratively.

Yes, behind every great man is a really good woman but that great man needs to have that ability to stand up, stand straight and stand sober if he is to lead his family. Let your hubby know that you believe in him, you will fight tooth and nail against his demons and paramount to this, his condition and circumstance.

Unfortunately, and I’d love to know who started the idea or premise, that a man is measured or governed by certain ideals, basically bad examples of a man. Namely these bad ideals in the form of, to be a “real man” you’ve got to be a womanizer, heavy drinker, smoker and so on, well, I’d love to dig him up and spit in his face. Heavy, harsh words but if you think about it, these ideals have become the demise of the average man. Have they not?

It is a sad commentary, it really is. If the truth were known, calling a spade a spade, when you look at some of these thoughts, ideals and such, they are an every present, looming, warped sense of reality. This legacy of idealism’s, born and bred, fostered and nurtured from father to son, passed down are simply insidious. We are now finding that we have raised dysfunctional and delusional men, especially men but women as well.

Finally, I pray for your strength, wisdom and words, that you might have the heart to not run but forge forward for the sake of your marriage as well as your children. It’s real important that you point out to your husband that it is his job to lead by example. He must understand that as it stands, his drinking gives him a clear cut handicap. He is not all the man he can/could and will be nor the father he must be. Yes, he must command respect from his underlings but how will he ever really do this… three sheets in the wind, snot slinging drunk? You can’t and it stands to reason, without a doubt in my mind, he’ll pass on this insidious curse to his children too. Had he given this a thought?

I am here for you as well as your hubby. Arm yourself with knowledge and enhance your understanding…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

**AA Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Let me explain, using my own Dad, as example. My Dad is 77, so this is many, many years ago but it aptly applies to today…

When my Dad was 17 years old, he was getting ready to leave for the Navy. His Father, a Captain, in the Navy, told him, he was a man now and he wanted to teach him one of life’s most valuable lessons. He sat him down, with two shot glasses on the kitchen table. He put water in one of the shot glasses and whiskey in the other. He then, dropped a worm, in each shot glass and told my Dad to watch. A couple minutes passed and my Grandfather asked my Dad, what he saw? He stated that, the worm in the water was still swimming and the worm in the whiskey had died. My Grandfather nodded his head, pulled out two more shot glasses, filled them with whiskey, handed one to my Dad, held one up and downed it. He then exclaimed, “That’s right son, always drink whiskey and you’ll never have worms. Now, drink up.” This was his homespun initiation into manhood. True story!

You may have even read this story somewhere else, as I have but it may be, that is how Father’s ushered in their sons, way back when. In the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and possibly, even today, father’s still had the idea, that on their sons 18th Birthday, it was proper to throw them a booze party. I’ve heard, the likes, of Dad’s taking their sons to a strip joint, a night out of drinking and painting the town, “Red, White and Blue.” This mentality, was instilled, that to be a true man, you drank, it is your God given right. The myth, was ingrained, that you work hard, 40+ hours and when you did, you deserved to buy a six-pack of beer. That is the “Manly” thing to do. What a crock o’crap, huh? To further screw up America, we as women, in our fight for equality, have picked up this premise, as well. Statistics show that women and addiction have skyrocketed.

Unfortunately, many people, men and women alike, fell into the clutches of addiction, along the way. It’s much more complicated than simply thinking that this observation is why we drink. There are three contributing factors in addiction. They are;

• Predisposition

• Socio-Cultural

• Environmental

Having a parent(s) who may be an Alcoholic/Addict or have the mentality, can be a huge contributing factor. A learned behavior is another. Going to College, binge drinking or even hangin’ in the ‘hood, doing drugs, watching what other people do, thinking it is what is normal, can, as well, instill a behavior, bad behaviors, at that. Values and beliefs, not to mention, the way we are hard-wired, our DNA, all play a factor in Chemical Dependency.

So, why did I tell you all this? I tell you this because I want you to realize, that it is not as simple as asking him to limit his drinking. It is a rare scenario, where anybody that drinks 7 days a week, even a simple six-pack, does not do it for a reason. It is actually rather complex, more than I can explain to you, even here. I would suggest, your investigation of addiction, to understand it better. There are medical issues, that now factor in.

*Quite often, drugs and drinking, go hand in hand. We must understand that they and their effects are also one and the same. A chemical is a chemical. Take what you learn and put it in your tool belt, it will help you understand this insidious disease.

Why is he drinking? This has to be your question, to ask yourself and possibly him. I’d bet that there are underlying problems, things he’s running from, things he shutting up, chasing away. I’ve yet to meet anyone, who didn’t have valid reasons, in their mind, why they drank. Life sucks and to live life on life’s terms is not easy. Even if, all the problems go away, it’s not easy to physically stop drinking, especially, after you’ve been drinking, at least, a six-pack a day. Now, it is a physical dependence, not just a mental, shake off the blues, situation.

Red flags must have already gone up, concerning his behavior. You would not have written me, unless that had happened and you wanted validation. Yes, I do think you need to be concerned. It’s no joke and not to be taken lightly. Jumping into a relationship, with someone who is clearly an alcoholic, is a serious undertaking. Now, I am not saying it is not possible, for him to get clean. What I am saying is that all the wishing in the world, from you, won’t get him there. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal. This is and does, go hand in hand with step one of Alcoholics Anonymous;

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

How does a proud man, admit that he has fallen, especially when he believes the, *Great American Myth?™

It has to start with him understanding that alcohol has had an adverse effect on him, his relationships and will ultimately, cost him his life. He must realize that his 8 year old son should not have to watch his father, in the throws of addiction. Also, let me add quickly, that although a Father should be concerned, what their child thinks, it is not that child’s decision as to who his Dad’s life partner will be, should or shouldn’t be. They often have a hard time accepting anyone. His Dad needs to understand that but to behave as he did is quite regrettable and wrong. That gives the child license, to be mean, if you ask me. The child may not like you but he needs to respect you, show respect and behave accordingly. I stand with you on this one. I’d point this out to your guy that you realize that, they don’t have to embrace you but he should understand that you will be afforded respect and nothing less… NOTHING!

You also mentioned that his behavior, concerning eating, bothers you, right? You have every right in the world, to be concerned about his eating habits. But you must proceed carefully here, as well. Your habits are yours, his are his. You’ll have to approach it, realizing that eating is also the way we were raised and so on. Eating healthy does not always come naturally. If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you just begin to show him, how to adapt. If you cook for him, make something that is good but close to a comfort food. He’ll equate that, “Hey, this eating healthy gig’s not so bad?” I mean something like a nice chicken breast, baked with Mashed Cauliflower (tastes just like mashed potatoes) with butter and a nice salad. You have to start somewhere, right? But I think, you’ve got bigger fish to fry here. Meaning this situation with his alcohol abuse, is where you need to start. This sure is no Overnite Delivery, a fix that happens quickly.

Your Answer

It is my impression, that you have a lot of red flags here, as I mentioned before. I ask you, to ask yourself, are you capable of “fixing” this fella? Do you want to fix him? It is possible to be supportive but you can not,

I repeat, can not fix anybody. Nope, they have to fix themselves and they have to do it for themselves, first and foremost.
If you choose to be supportive, I offer this analogy,
“Take that bull by the horns and ride.”
This early in the relationship, you really have nothing to lose by being perfectly honest. Call it like it is, kindly, or walk away and cut you loses.

Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean.

AA/NA helped me and long before my true addiction surfaced, I had gone to meetings about addiction, to understand my own Father’s (my real Dad) alcoholism. Study all you can and I will put links here to help you. You need a pretty big Tool Belt to tackle this one, if you do, choose to do this.
My inner loyalty, to you, says get out while the gettin’s good. But if you truly care about this guy, you need to tell him so but that you will not live with his drinking. See, you have a right to be happy, too. Do not feel guilty, if you walk away now. As I said before, you can’t fix anybody. This is our first mistake, thinking we can take charge of things. We can’t change anybody, we can only suggest, advise and support. No, the change has to come from within, in the person that is having the behavioral problem. When you challenge someone’s values and beliefs, get ready for some flak. Now, it may very well be that he doesn’t like this drinking every single day and he may be aware that he has a problem. You need to sit him down and calmly, patiently ask him, if he perceives himself with a problem. Whatever you do, do not have a condescending tone. This will cause him to put up a defensive wall. He will take a survival posture and will virtually be unable to look at his problem. You’ve got to come off, in a loving manner. At the same time, you must make it a point, that he knows, you can not and will not live with this behavior, no if ands or buts about it. You don’t have to and you won’t. Now, he can go and get help, look at this, do something about it or you can go on your merry way. It’s quite possible and plausible, that he may have to enter a Rehab setting. I don’t believe he could physically, just quit. I recommend seeking Medical Advice, in a Treatment setting. This is very important. Please see it as just that, possibly the single most important thing I tell you; Seek a Professional!!
Tell him, it’s time, to pull the Band-Aid off. Even if you were to walk away from him tomorrow, you are planting a seed. You are letting him know, that his behavior is not acceptable and he needs to get help. If he’s not real receptive to jumping into a Rehab, ask him to go to an AA/NA meeting. They’ll plant seeds also and they can be your support group. It’s free and the coffee, is usually palatable. They are real people, who’ve walked down the same path.
I guess the big question here, I pose to you, is what are you willing to do, or what length are willing to go, to support your guy? Only you can answer this, right?
If you choose to support him in recover, realize that it’s a life long battle. It is treatable but you must brace yourself for the storms. I guarantee this much…it will not go away on its own. Start with talking, not pointing the finger but merely asserting understanding and willingness to support him, if he chooses to get clean. You’d better stand by what you say, too. If you tell him that, you can not tolerate this situation as it exists and if does not choose to get help, you will walk away, you’d better mean it. If you allow it, you will enable him and he will not believe that there are repercussions for his actions. You’ve got to let him fall before he can pick himself up. If your love is important to him, he’ll see that he will lose you, if he does not seek help. Most of us addicts have to hit some form of bottom, to realize that we need to climb out. It is a treacherous climb. Throw him a line, by giving him the information, where the meetings, are located. Tell him you will help him, only if he helps himself. He’ll either grab hold of that line or lay there till it stinks enough. When it stinks, as you’ve already said it did and he’s not willing to smell it and realize he is offending, get out.
Be prepared. Have your list of meetings, do your homework if it’s important enough to you and hand it all to him. Then, it is “His” decision. If you put it just like that, then he’ll feel just that;
That it’s his decision!

Work on one thing at a time, Girlfriend. Pray and brace yourself. I wish you only the very best. Now, go get it!

The relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for “reaching” and helping an uncontrolled drinker.

In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered alcoholics describe their personal experiences in achieving sobriety, and to read A.A. literature describing and interpreting the A.A. program.

A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact alcoholics. At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.

(Click Here for Help)

**The body stops producing endorphins. Endorphins are our body’s natural pain killer. We have receptor’s in our brain, where the endorphins plug in. Try to picture sockets, in the brain, similar to a car. Where you would screw in the spark plug, the endorphins plug in, when we are in pain. The correlation being that the receptors, when there is a constant use of i.e. opiates or any kind of chemical, stop producing. They think they no longer need to produce the chemical.

*How alcohol produces intoxicating effects in the brain is not entirely understood. Most drugs have a specific receptor in the brain. For example, cocaine acts through the dopamine transporter, heroin acts through the opioid receptor, and marijuana acts through the cannabinoid receptor. These are proteins in the cell membrane that shuttle the drugs into the brain cell, where they act much like your body’s own neurotransmitters to excite or depress nerve cells. Alcohol, however, appears to have no specific receptor in the brain. Instead, it seems to affect the receptors for several neurotransmitters, including the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) receptor. GABA is one of the major messenger chemicals in the brain. It reduces the transmission of impulses between nerve cells. Alcohol can either increase or decrease GABA function in different areas of the brain, leading to inhibitory effects (such as loss of judgment) and excitatory effects (such as feelings of exhilaration). Other receptors that may be affected include those for N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), glutamate, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine. These are all natural substances produced in the brain that control things like behavior, memory, sensation, and mood. The variety of chemical pathways that are disrupted can explain the myriad effects that alcohol has on behavior and brain function.

For additional information, see the following websites:

http://alcoholism.about.com/health/alcoholism/
library/blnaa35.htm

http://www.arf.org/isd/pim/alcohol.html

The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous is reprinted from the website www.CoDA.org with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors – All Rights Reserved

The Twelve Steps reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Update; "Your Stranger"

Editor’s Note; This is from the original post,

“ Your Stranger“

On follow up Aunt B asked “Is the situation the same?” The following response was emailed back and Xmichra has promptly answered to address this new question.

Dear Aunt Babz, Xmichra,

It’s fine, really. I was surprised enough that you were able to reply to mine’s. The advice was good, and I have taken it to heart. But you’re right; the situation’s changed a bit.

In your advice, you told me that the next time I see him I should do small, subtle gestures. Like wave at him, right? But if I do that, I’ll completely throw away an opportunity to be with him at all. Our relationship was never carried through physical interactions with one another. To make a long story short, my friend (the one who likes him) introduced him to me via a website, and it just took off from there. In essence, it’s an online relationship. It’s amazing enough that this relationship even exists, and in that case, a relationship such as ours. We’re not ones who’d be telling secrets to strangers, but this is just a strange exception.
But despite this, I think this would have been the only way that I could have gotten to know him as quickly as I did. The person on screen is a more true version of himself, or at least that’s what I think. In life, he’s quiet and has a demeanor which is able to scare everyone off.

And I guess, this is where the problem lies.
He is silent, while I’m in the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

Over the internet, we are able to find some common ground, but in life…
If he was to meet me in life first, he would have never befriended me because of this–he even confirmed this for me.

I decided that I shouldn’t treat him any different than any of my other friends, so even if, from first glance, someone like him would just insulting me for my behavior (which he does), if he is unable to tolerate me for who I am, then this would be a difficult friendship.
But when I’m in this mode, I more prone to doing stupid, careless acts which end up with a negative effect on him. I don’t want to get him uncomfortable or angry, but I haven’t been around people to realize what’s wrong and right. And it makes it even harder when he’s unable to show he doesn’t want something to be done.

I’ve gotten him majorly angry once, which has put a dent in our friendship–well, our friendship, and possibly those who belong in the same friend group. His sister said he didn’t want to go back to another gathering, and he said that he was no longer comfortable around us. And in the end, it was my fault, wasn’t it?
It’s not like I would change. I’ve already fixed small problems–that’s easy–but it’s getting him to trust me which is difficult when I’m infamous for my brash behavior.
He’s also notorious for ditching opportunities to hang out with people, unless there’s an excuse to go, like a birthday. I remember once, our group of friends had arranged to go to the mall, but once I got there, his sister called to tell me that he didn’t “feel like it” anymore. And no, none of our birthdays are coming up anytime soon.
That only leaves one choice: going to him, but this option he really dislikes. Plus, he doesn’t even go to the same school as I do, and lives far from me, so it’s not like I can visit him afterschool or anything.

I also think that our online relationship is dwindling. I talk to him, yes, but most of the time, it doesn’t seem like he’s interested in what I have to say for whatever reason. I talk to him less and less now, as he is probably getting tired of me and is possibly too busy for me, but even when do, it’s often quite brief.

At this point, I don’t care about that relationship. At this point, I may not even have a friendship. I can say that a relationship was not meant to be and let it slip, but can I really do the same with a friendship?

Well, I’m not too concerned about this situation as the other. Compared to the other, this is quite… dull. Somehow I feel like there’s an exit to this problem somewhere, but with the other, I’m backed into a corner.

Dear Reader,

I am glad that you have updated your situation; it gives a little bit more clarity to the picture.
You said : At this point, I don’t care about that relationship. At this point, I may not even have a friendship. I can say that a relationship was not meant to be and let it slip, but can I really do the same with a friendship?

Well, I’m not too concerned about this situation as the other. Compared to the other, this is quite… dull. Somehow I feel like there’s an exit to this problem somewhere, but with the other, I’m backed into a corner.
So.. i am confused on one part, what exactly are you backed into??? Your friendship with this guy?? Because you are never backed into a friendship. You are either friends, or you are not. So you need to figure this out, is he really a friend or just an on-line conversation?
The world is different on line, and you know that. We can all be the selves that we wish we were out in the real world. Only trouble is making that transition from our on-line selves to our real life selves is much more difficult when you are scared and withdrawn like this fellow seems to be. And that is his issue to deal with. You are not doing anything wrong by being yourself, and if this guy can’t deal with who you are… well you are better off without him. Friends do not judge each other and friends support each other. So even if this guy decided that he couldn’t be with you romantically, there is no reason for him to snub you on a friend level.
Really it sounds to me like this guy has a lot of issues to overcome, and you have tried to be a friend with little in the way of reciprocation. Maybe it would be better for you to let go of it, and get on with your own life. Seems like you want to do other things but can’t seem to get over him… you have to let yourself be okay with that. You liked a guy, it didn’t work out the way you wanted it too, you want to be friends if he will deal, so let it go. You did nothing wrong.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Stay Friends

Hey Aunt B,

Thank u for taking the time to help me with my personal life,I really, sincerely appreciate it. So, I was in a relationship with this guy for about a month, and then he broke up with me because he said he had problems with commitment, and he said he wanted to end our relationship before something bad happens. Anyways,I was completely shocked and speechless because I didn’t see it coming. And I know a month doesn’t seem long enough to fall in love with someone, but I think I actually did,even just a little bit. Actually,we were friends for a couple of months and got to know each other before we started dating.Anyways, now we are friends, but not best friends like we were before, but we still talk to each other. I thought we were friends, but now I feel confused because he invited two of my best friends to his birthday party next week, without inviting me. I thought we were cool,but I guess not. At first when I found out, I didn’t really care, but somehow I

started talking to my friend about it, and then I burst into tears. I would understand if he wouldn’t want to invite me because it would bring up bad memories of us when we were together,but there are absolutely,positively NO bad memories that we have of each other that would make it awkward…I just don’t understand….we still talk every once in a while… I don’t know….It’s just the way that he invited my friends and not me, I kinda feel like he is somehow forcing my friends to choose between me and him…Because if they do go the party,I don’t think I can be friends with them anymore…Am I being unreasonable???Should I understand if they want to attend??Should I still be friends with my ex and act like nothing’s wrong???Please help!!! By the way, I am only 17, so I need all the help I can get…especially since he was my first boyfriend.. I know what you’re thinking, what does a high school girl know about love? Some people have real

problems…But wouldn’t you agree that people can develop the ability(yes, ability,because I don’t think of love as an emotion,but as an ability) to love at any age? Please don’t discriminate me because of my age… Thank you for your time, and please lend me your wisdom if you can. -loveless

Sent from my iPod

Dear Loveless,

You are partially right, love is an ability but it is also an emotion. People have the emotional quality to love regardless on their ability to show that love and accept it from others. And every age goes through different stages and intensities of love.

This was your first relationship, which is a difficult thing to get over on its own, but combine that with being broken up with and not for anything that you can control or had any knowledge was coming… that is even more difficult. So it makes sense that you are hurting and wondering now that the guy has made it clear that he wants to be friends, what the hell his deal is with not inviting you to his party. I know I would have questioned that. And you may never get an answer, unless you confront him on his reason. I would strait out ask him if he really wanted the two of you to be friends or if he was just saying that to be kind. You may not like the answer, so be prepared, but at least you will know where you stand with him.

As for being angry with your friends, that is something that you are doing to yourself, he is not doing that part at all. He is not forcing your friends to choose, you are. Being upset because your friends want to stay friends with him is really poor friendship on your part. And a warning here, if you continue to do that (disown friends because of who they are friends with) you will find yourself very alone, and very bitter. People have the right to be friendly with whomever they wish, and when someone tries to take that freedom away, it usually results in a lost friendship from the pressure person. How would you feel if your friends were telling you that you couldn’t be friends with someone?? Not very good I suspect.

You do have every right to feel hurt and betrayed by this guy, and you will get over him and do just fine. But remember that your friends are individuals and that they deserve your respect, not friendship in return for obedience.

Good Luck, and I hope you can find some closure and move on.

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Only For A Season

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 27 year old female, recently divorced. Now that I am single I realize the importance of getting my college degree so that I can provide for myself. I am excited about finishing school and want to badly.

I work a full time job and I also coach a high school athletic team. I love, love, love my coaching job but it does not pay the bills without an additional full time job. It is also extremely time consuming and makes it impossible to add college studies to the mix.

I have tried online classes but have a hard time focusing. I prefer to be in the classroom. I have considered coaching for two or three more years and pushing school back but I am afraid that I will lose momentum.

How can I give up my coaching job that I adore in order to pursue my desire to get a college degree and be back in the classroom?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Hello there,

This is a tough decision for you to make, because your coaching career is just as valuable to you as your getting a college education. You mentioned that online classes are not appealing to you because you are not in a classroom setting. Have you thought of taking an online class that has live feedback? Many classes now have group interactive lessons. If this still does not appeal to you, I would advise you to weigh and balance which choice would be most important to you. Do this, toss a coin and give tales a college degree, and heads, the coaching job. When you toss the coin, think about where you are hoping it will land, on heads or tails. What you hope will happen is the key to which you most desire.

I hope this helps!

…best wishes from Sidell Seyz

Dear Friend,

Well, there are a few things to consider. You love coaching, you hate online classes. But you want that degree and that is soooooo important now days.

Yes, in this age, you must, chomp on that line of competition you’ve got to have that Ace up your sleeve, which is a degree. Something to think about in the lines of job security.

The other thing you can try to see and envision is that if you can go to classes try to do so. It’s only for a season. <—These are words my own Mother spoke to me when my heart was in such discontent about where I was in my life and in my line of work.What she meant is that things will not last forever. One thing that is perfectly certain in life is Change. Most importantly, these classes, even if they are online because that’s your only option are only for a season. Life is always what you make, as well as love. If you must take online classes, you start with the mindset with discipline, something you lack in a few areas. Now, don’t take offense at that line, it is a simple observation, one you should take note of and work on, it’s that simple. I’ll tell you that I am the Queen O’Procrastination. I can admit my faults and I work on them. You do not want the hardship in this life, or actually what perceive as hardship; going back for that degree. That is understandable, I mean who wants to have to go through the rigors of study, constant study? I have a life “full of wishes I had done.” I mean don’t let this time in your life, just pass by with such a large item looming over your head. One day, you too will be 50 like me and have so many “wishes I had done’s.”<–[new word by Aunt B] My advice to you is to look at the possibility of you going back to college whatever that takes. My wish is that you will see and feel fulfilled with that degree under your belt. Yes, this might take some real wherewithal but yes, I believe in you. Now, my friend, you must begin to believe and…what I see is, what I feel is…you are scared of failure and it’s easier to stay put. Don’t take the easy way out this time. Remember my Mama’s Words “It’s Only For A Season.”

Dammit, I believe in you and now you must begin to believe in you and do what ever it takes. Push!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Only For A Season

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 27 year old female, recently divorced. Now that I am single I realize the importance of getting my college degree so that I can provide for myself. I am excited about finishing school and want to badly.

I work a full time job and I also coach a high school athletic team. I love, love, love my coaching job but it does not pay the bills without an additional full time job. It is also extremely time consuming and makes it impossible to add college studies to the mix.

I have tried online classes but have a hard time focusing. I prefer to be in the classroom. I have considered coaching for two or three more years and pushing school back but I am afraid that I will lose momentum.

How can I give up my coaching job that I adore in order to pursue my desire to get a college degree and be back in the classroom?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Hello there,

This is a tough decision for you to make, because your coaching career is just as valuable to you as your getting a college education. You mentioned that online classes are not appealing to you because you are not in a classroom setting. Have you thought of taking an online class that has live feedback? Many classes now have group interactive lessons. If this still does not appeal to you, I would advise you to weigh and balance which choice would be most important to you. Do this, toss a coin and give tales a college degree, and heads, the coaching job. When you toss the coin, think about where you are hoping it will land, on heads or tails. What you hope will happen is the key to which you most desire.

I hope this helps!

…best wishes from Sidell Seyz

Dear Friend,

Well, there are a few things to consider. You love coaching, you hate online classes. But you want that degree and that is soooooo important now days.

Yes, in this age, you must, chomp on that line of competition you’ve got to have that Ace up your sleeve, which is a degree. Something to think about in the lines of job security.

The other thing you can try to see and envision is that if you can go to classes try to do so. It’s only for a season. <—These are words my own Mother spoke to me when my heart was in such discontent about where I was in my life and in my line of work.What she meant is that things will not last forever. One thing that is perfectly certain in life is Change. Most importantly, these classes, even if they are online because that’s your only option are only for a season. Life is always what you make, as well as love. If you must take online classes, you start with the mindset with discipline, something you lack in a few areas. Now, don’t take offense at that line, it is a simple observation, one you should take note of and work on, it’s that simple. I’ll tell you that I am the Queen O’Procrastination. I can admit my faults and I work on them. You do not want the hardship in this life, or actually what perceive as hardship; going back for that degree. That is understandable, I mean who wants to have to go through the rigors of study, constant study? I have a life “full of wishes I had done.” I mean don’t let this time in your life, just pass by with such a large item looming over your head. One day, you too will be 50 like me and have so many “wishes I had done’s.”<–[new word by Aunt B] My advice to you is to look at the possibility of you going back to college whatever that takes. My wish is that you will see and feel fulfilled with that degree under your belt. Yes, this might take some real wherewithal but yes, I believe in you. Now, my friend, you must begin to believe and…what I see is, what I feel is…you are scared of failure and it’s easier to stay put. Don’t take the easy way out this time. Remember my Mama’s Words “It’s Only For A Season.”

Dammit, I believe in you and now you must begin to believe in you and do what ever it takes. Push!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Attraction

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x

Dear Love Struck and Unsure,

I would like to address the first question you have, is it wrong to like the son of the guy your mother is dating. The answer to that, is no. Attraction is something that is different from action, and we are attracted to multiple things about a person, regardless of a situation. It is perfectly healthy to be attracted to this boy, he is not your relative and he is of your age group, you two are likely hanging out and getting to know each other, it is completely normal.

But for the second part of your question, should you do anything about this attraction? The answer to that, in my opinion, is no. And here is why: this guy could end up being your step-brother. That is something that you really want to take a look at. Not just because it would be hard to explain to people (and trust me, you would eventually) but because it will make things very difficult at home. You are incredibly young, and things like young relationships come and go. Have you thought about what would happen if the two of you didn’t work out, then you had to live with him still?? These are big decisions, and ones that take a lot more maturity than you need to use at this point in your life. IF your respective parents break up, then this would be a much different answer. But your parents’ relationship is a major factor here, which I know seems rather unfair (why should it have anything to do with you?) but given your age and the circumstances, it does matter.

I want to talk to you a little bit about your confidence level though. I kind of have the feeling that you are more interested in this guy because you are feeling comfortable with him. Which is great (getting to know a person before getting romantically involved), but don’t assume that no other boy has taken an interest in you. You are 13, and boys in your age range are funny creatures. They sometimes react and act like complete idiots, and sometimes treat you like crap when they really like you. Or, they might just ignore you completely if they “really really” like you. It is crazy, and silly, and you damn near need to be a psychic sometimes when it comes to how and why a guy decides to take a certain “approach”, but don’t write them all off because you haven’t noticed them noticing you.

Also, about his dressing “sexy” thing…. Sure, dressing provocatively will gain you some attention, but is it really the attention that you want? What I mean by this, is that a girl who gets a guy because they dress cheap will be treated cheap. A girl, who gets a guy because of her intelligence, will be treated with intelligence. Be the girl you want to be, and expect the treatment that you exude. There is nothing wrong with presenting yourself well, but there is something wrong with letting it all hang out in a disrespectful to you manor. Tune into your own self, and only dress how YOU feel comfortable. And if that is all tight topped and short skirts, then that is fine (although you can expect your parents to think negatively about it!). But if you are a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, then stay true to yourself.

I really do feel for your situation, I know that you like this boy and want to let him know. But really think about your situation… the fact that you would feel it a necessity to keep your feelings (and thus your relationship) a secret from your mother, sister and his father should be a very clear indicator that something isn’t right about it. When something is right, you know it and you can rest easily knowing that if others knew the truth you would be okay with that.

I know this wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, and I know the next little while will be tough, but you can get through this and will. Take care of yourself, respect yourself, and be sure that there is another guy out there.

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Expensive Endeavor

Dear Aunt Babz,

I’m 14, i have met someone on-line…i feel love for him.
It may not be all real love but still i have never felt this way about anyone before. I would do anything for him. He is allowed to visit me in my country
My parents will not let me see him…i cry…no matter how much i say no danger will happenn they assume the worst. I cant see a way to make them think other wise..please help me..?
I beg.

Dear Anonymous,

A few things that you have not mentioned in your e-mail are picking at the back of my head. You don’t mention how old this other person is, and given that you are only 14 this is a BIG point to omit. I am guessing that he is much older though, otherwise how would he have the funds to visit you “in your country”. That is an expensive endeavor no matter if the countries are not far apart.

So, given that, I will advise you the way that I would hope my daughter would precede should this situation happen to her.

I would suggest that if this person is of your age group, to ask your parents to meet with him as well as you. Making the meetings with your parents will help to alleviate their fears, and will maintain a safe environment for you. Most parents wouldn’t let their 14 year old daughter out without meeting the boy; this is the job of a parent to ensure the safety of their child. They are not being overbearing in this, try to understand they love you and want nothing wrong to happen. Chaperoned visits for the first little while wouldn’t hurt. This decision may not be made because the person you wish to meet as a boyfriend is from the internet, but because at the age of 14, a parent wants to know the people their child associates with. I know when I was growing up my mom insisted on knowing who I was hanging around with, and with my first boyfriend all get-togethers were at either his place or mine, chaperoned by either set of parents. They would give us space in the house after the first few dates, but they wanted to know that we were being sensible, while also “measuring up” the person we were with.

I would also advise you to not meet with this person alone. No matter what the feelings you have for him, you should never put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. You may know him very well, and he may not be dangerous at all. BUT, being cautious is never a bad idea, and is far better to be safe than sorry.

Now, if this guy is much older than you (and he may be lying to you about his age. Not something that you want to hear, but you need to be realistic here) I would hope that you realise your parents worry is very warranted. Age does matter significantly when you are 14, try to understand the worry that comes when an adult is courting your teen-aged daughter. Put on top of that that he is not from your area, and is chatting with you on-line, it is a rational worry. And you should most definitely play it safe.

There are millions of stories out there to make us fear meeting with people from the web, but the ones that have “happy endings” also have caution to guide them. You can ask anyone who has met a person from the net, that they met in a very neutral place with safe guards in place. And, for the most part, these people (who have had a good outcome) are adults. You need to realize that you are still very young, there are predators out there, and you need to be careful.

Please talk to your parents, ask them if they would be willing to meet with your internet friend. Tell them that you respect their wishes, but would still like to just meet this guy, and you know that meeting him with your parents would be the safe and amicable solution.

Your parents may or may not agree to this meeting, but what do you have to lose? Ultimately you need to try and understand that your parents are trying to protect you. Listen to them, try to talk to them, and stay safe.

Good luck, and let us know what your parents decided.

~Xmichra.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Way Behind

I hope you readers had a wonderful Holiday Season. We are rather backed up because of it as well as posting onto this site.

I welcome you to wander over to our Sister Site, the main page for Free Advice; Ask Aunt Babz

Stand Against Adversity

Dear Aunt B,

I saw your web page and would appreciate the opportunity to ask you for advice.
James

I am 59, a college professor, and two years ago, I remarried. My wife and I have just had a new baby this past month. (I have no other children). My parents and sister were not happy about my decision to remarry, nor happy about the baby– in part, because my parents had hoped I would return to my home town if and when I retired to help take care of them, but mostly because my wife is Vietnamese, even in light of the fact she is educated, and has an extremely kind personality. My sister, two years younger than I, has not been that financially responsible, to put it mildly, for the past many years; she has accumulated a credit card debt of over $30,000, and a few years ago, she had to borrow $40,000 on her house to pay off a similar credit card debt accumulated in the same manner as the present one she has re-accumulated. She earns about $1000 a month in a part time job, collects $1300 a month in alimony and spends a large part of her time taking care of her pet cats. My father is ill, so my sister helps my parents by taking them to the doctor as needed. Somehow, in the course of things, my sister was fairly recently granted “power of attorney” over my parents’ financial affairs, without my knowledge, even though my mother is well and in sound mind. A few years ago, my mother paid for the building of an additional room on my sister’s house at the cost of about $47,000 so that my sister’s cats wouldn’t have to stay in the basement. I can understand, at least to some extent how such a financial mistake could have occurred, but I find it difficult to excuse my sister for going along with it and accepting my parents’ money. I also learned that my sister and parents went to a lawyer, again without my knowledge, in regard to my parents’ “will”. Their “will” stated that their CD’s and house were ultimately to be divided equally between my sister and myself. My sister (and mother) informed the lawyer they didn’t want my new wife to inherit anything from my family, particularly the house in the event I should die before my wife (which I obviously will). Consequently, the original will was discarded, and the house was legally signed over to my sister and put in her name only, at my exclusion or my knowledge. My parents’ CD’s remain in both my name and sister’s name, although I’m not even sure about that, given the secrecy of recent events. I would like to ask if you think all of this is fair and what I should do about it. I feel a man has every right to get married again. I also feel that it was unfair, if not illegal, that my sister conspired to have my parents’ house signed over to her at my exclusion. I would appreciate your opinion and advice on this matter, and thank you in advance for your kind assistance.

Dear Re-Married,

I am going to answer you in three parts, just for the simple reason that it is easier. First – I invite you to re-read this post from Ask Aunt B http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2008/12/its-just-another-lump.html as it does have very valid information regarding legalities. Second – I would like to validate your feelings regarding your new wife. You do have every right to re-marry, and whomever you choose. I am glad to hear that you are not afraid to stand up for your wife, and to fight for the life that you deserve and the respect that you and your wife are entitled to. Third – However (and don’t we love this word) whatever is happening in your life, and however your parents feel about it, really has no bearing legally on why they change their will. Your sister’s financial disasters have no bearing legally on why they change their will. You have said yourself that your mother is well and sound of mind, so really there is nothing you can do if they change their will other than choose to accept it, or be bitter about it. So. The questions are: Do we feel that this is fair? – Given the reasons you have issued about being left out of the will, no, I do not. However (again) I do not know the full story. But given your side, no i do not. What should you do about it – I would invite you to talk to your parents and your sister and explain that you are HURT. Not so much about why you feel your sister is not a good candidate to be the executor, not that they refuse to leave anything to you in case your wife gets it… but that you are HURT that they cannot accept you living your life in happiness. That you are HURT that they went behind your back when you have done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment. That you are HURT that even if they do not respect or acknowledge your choices, that they cut off the lines of communication with you and that wasn’t what you wanted. And finally that you are HURT about the decisions they have recently made, however you are not going to divorce your wife or leave your child because of their behavior. And if this is the deciding factor on the writing of their will, then they are in turn HURTING you again by shinning you and their grandchild. Ultimately the choice is theirs as to how they want to assign their estate, and there is pretty much nothing you can do about that (nor should you, it really isn’t any of your business, this is their estate after all). All you can do is try to explain why you are hurt and hope that they make the choice to accept your choices and not “punish” you for them. And, whichever way that goes, you need to figure out how to deal with the outcome, and how to live and move on if your parents don’t budge. You need to figure out if/how this will affect your relationship with them and your sister (not being equal in a will) and how you are going to be around them. This is not going to be easy for you, but a man of 59 years would already know this, and I am sure you have gained enough experience in life to know how to use tact. I hope that you and your family can mend this rift, regardless of the estate/will decision, you only have one family and once they are gone that’s it. Memories are great, but not as good as life. Only you can choose which way you are going to go here.

Good luck with everything,

~Xmichra.

Dear Re-Married,

Dirty deeds done dirt cheap, eh? The first thing that comes to mind will be that you announce, loud and proud that you will, in fact, *Contest that Will upon the death of your parents. You let it be known that it is underhanded in the way they have proceeded, fed upon your parents displeasure in your re-marriage, done underhandedly in order to change things in her favor. You let her know, specifically your sister, that when you do contest that will, it will cost your sister a tidy sum, that and in itself will talk to her.

You need to stand firm in your rights and within your marriage. I can not stress this enough and **I will address it again in a moment.You would think they’d be happy for you. I find it real tawdry and offensive that because your wife is Vietnamese, they would treat you as they have. Shallow thinking, shallow minds. And when they die and you two are arguing, in court over their and your rightful inheritance, all this distasteful thinking will come out.

I do believe, the courts will be sympathetic to your situation on the simple grounds of what’s commonly known as racist behavior. It speaks for itself. Ask them now, while you have the opportunity, “What would our Lord think of such detestable behavior?”

I for one, feel that your sister has been very pertinent in your parents behavior, from start to finish. I am usually right and my feelings are that you need to go to her first and state what I said at the start of this post. As well, you let her know that you are aware of her dirty dealings and it’s really ugly. One day, I firmly believe, she will have to stand before God and she will be held accountable. So will your parents and you have a chance to change things, at least for them.

I’ll say it a thousand times but “God don’t like ugly.” In the event they are not believers, I want to point out one thing; what if they are wrong? They’ll be wrong a long time. Arrogance is ugly too and those that feel they can treat people any kind of way and get away with it will soon meet my friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™

**You cherish your vows as God intended them and stand firm in your marriage. Stand against adversity, any adversity. Traditional wedding vows state;

Do you, __ take __ to be your (wife/husband)? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect her/him, forsaking all others and holding only unto her/him?” (“I do”)

“I __ , take thee __ , to be my (wife/husband) to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you..”

“With this ring, I thee wed; all my love, I do thee give.”

Now, I don’t know if you are Christian or Interfaith. I don’t know if you went to a Judge and had a civil ceremony but most people have a similar exchange of vows. They often times speak the words without hearing them. I hope that is not you. Stand firm with your wife and child, they are your family now.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S. Print this letter out and mail it to them. Let them know that the world is watching and waiting. Will they do the right thing? Will they look at their behavior? Will they realize the key to Christianity lies in treating others, not in judgment but treating them as Christ would…that includes the treatment of your wife. WWJD?

Hello James,
After reading your letter, I conclude that I am in agreement that both your parents and your sister do not approve, accept, or like, your marriage to your new wife. Instead of getting tangled up in what you see as unfair, (their attempts at secrecy and financial control), try to focus on the relevant issue, which is, that your family will act, accordingly, to how they feel about your new life, be that fair or unfair is not the issue.
It’s likely that your family feels discarded, your having found someone so meaningful to you. Do not expect their feelings towards your new wife to change, no matter what you try to explain and no matter how nice you behave towards them. My guess is that they would like it better if you had no one to rely on or to share your life with, other than them.( how sad it is that they see your happiness as a threat to their relationship with you)-
My advice to you is that you assure them that you still love them, both your sister and the both of your parents. This may not change their mind about your new wife, but it is the kind thing to do, and by being kind and considerate, one can hope for better relations with them. I advise you also, to seek legal help immediately, to make certain your financial security is protected and they are not going out of legal bounds or leaving you illegally out of a will. Please don’t forget, that if you do not protect yourself, you may be injured, financially. Do not leave yourself vulnerable to them merely because of an assurance that they are blood relatives to you.

I hope this helps! Good luck, and as always.

Thank you for contacting,

SidellSez!

*Contesting A Will

First, we must ask, what is contesting a will or a trust? Basically, contesting a will or a trust means that you are challenging the validity of the will or trust document.

It is similar to the flag that is thrown in a pro football game after a call by the referee.

In this case, the will or trust is assumed valid by the probate court judge. You are throwing out the flag and contesting the validity of
the document in question.

Contesting a will or trust usually rests on one or
two of the following factors: undue influence in executing the will
or trust, or that the person executing the will or trust lacked
mental capacity to execute the will or trust at the time it was
executed.

What is undue influence in executing a will or trust?

Here is the definition of undue influence:

Undue Influence – Influence of another that destroys the freedom of a testator or donor and creates a ground for nullifying a will or invalidating a future gift. The exercise of undue influence is suggested by excessive insistence, superiority of will or mind, the relationship of the parties or pressure on the donor or testator by any other means to do what he is unable, practically, to refuse.

So, if you can prove that the person who executed the will or trust was acting with undue influence, that is, was acting under pressure that was unable to refuse, you may have a basis to claim undue influence. This would give you one reason to contest a will or trust.

The other method to contest a will or trust is that there was a lack of testamentary capacity.

Testamentary capacity is the legal ability to make a will. In California,
for example, Probate Code Section 812 says, in part, that a person lacks the capacity to make a decision unless the person has the ability to commnicate verbally, or by any other means, the decision, and to understand and appreciate,
to the extent relevant, all of the following:

(a) The rights, duties, and responsibilities created by, or
affected by the decision.

(b) The probable consequences for the decision maker and, where
appropriate, the persons affected by the decision.

(c) The significant risks, benefits, and reasonable alternatives
involved in the decision.

So, here, to contest a will or trust due to lack or testamentary capacity, you would have to show all three elements.

This is a tough case but is not impossible. In my early legal career, I was able to obtain a $1,000,000 plus settlement for a client using the above elements.

You can find more information about wills or trusts: Click Here.

Good luck and until next time,

Phil Craig

Phil Craig is a licensed attorney and entrepreneur. He started practicing law at age 25 in 1979. He does not take on any more clients, but is advisor to some of the biggest names in the internet world. He shares his knowledge gained over the last 25 years at his Living Trust Secrets newsletter site: click here: http://www.LivingTrustSecrets.com

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If you do use the material please send us a note so we can take a look. Thanks.

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Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Little Steps/Locked Away

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 20 years old and obese, and have lived with my grandmother all of my life. Ever since I graduated from high school at 17, my grandmother has tightened down on me… I got a “job” with her older gentleman friend, taking care of him. $40 a week is all I get… and my grandmother gets all but $15 of that. I am not “allowed” to get another job, and even though I’ve tried many, many times to get a job without her consent, no one will hire me around here. I’m not allowed to go anywhere, talk to anyone on the phone, or anything else other people my age find “fun”. I’ve been living like this for three and a half years.

I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.

Three years ago I met the most wonderful person in my life via the internet and have established a strong, strictly monogamous (and possessive), loving relationship. We’ve promised to be married as soon as I get away from here. She can’t do anything for me either because of her situation (he parents are much like my grandmother; we are both of age but still under the strict rule of a matriarch). I am not second-guessing our relationship, how much I love her, or the fact that I want to go to her.

I want out. I’ve gotten a friend of mine to help me GET to her in another state… But I have no way of getting money or a place to stay when I do. I honestly have no hope of saving money for that purpose either. I can’t stay with her because of her parents. I can’t afford a place of my own. Should I go homeless until I can get a job? Apply for welfare? I don’t know what to do. But I’m not staying here.

Dear Locked Away,

I have no idea how you are doing what you are doing… wow. Incredible strength to live a life like yours, I just can’t fathom and completely understand wanting out.
I do want to suggest that you talk with your grandmother about what you want to do though, and tell her that you are going regardless of what or how she feels so she has the choice to either help you and support your decision or to shun you, which would be horrible for you. Explain that she has indeed raised you well, and you appreciate the life she has sustained for you and her, and you love her. But you need to stretch out and explore life, you need to live your own life, and you want her to be a part of it. But you need to do this, with or without her.

Reason I say to do this, there are two. One, is she will be worried sick if you up and leave and she has no idea what happened. Something could happen to her, which you would never forgive yourself for. Two, you owe it to yourself to stand up and take control of your life and not just run away. This is going to be the defining moment in your life, where you will look back and say “I did it, and this is my life”. You will want that moment, believe me.

I do not recommend being homeless, that’s for sure. So you need to be a little bit more proactive. Being homeless isn’t just not having a place to stay. It’s no food, no shelter, no where to keep clean (which drastically diminishes your chance at finding and keeping a job). It’s not a good route to go. And she is in the same predicament, so I don’t see her moving out of her house to live on the streets as well. Thus destroying any hope of happiness you two so want.

First things first, you have access to the internet, so use it! You can apply for jobs (there are plenty of minimum wage jobs out there to give you some experience and money, and you may need to work two jobs for the time being to get your footing) on-line, and you can look for a place to stay (like a half way house or boarding house that you can pay for daily instead of monthly like most apartments). Look around the area via on-line and see what you can do and how to survive before you do anything rash.
Get your girlfriend involved with your search, make a plan and be smart about the choices you make. You will have a great life, if you are not afraid to take the steps, and are wise enough to stay clear of the wrong ones.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Locked Away,

I have a strict rule within our little society, to never read an answer given by another staff member before I post it, simply because I do not want to be biased or swayed from or in my answer. This allows me as well, to look towards my own resources for my very own opinion. But damn if I wasn’t tempted to look at Xmichra’s answer to you. I’m almost at a loss for your answer. I will pray for guidance and wisdom in my words to you.

You are definitely in a very precarious position, one which seems to have no out. But one thing I have learned as I look back on my life; Even in my darkest hour, at the worst possible moment and situations, I can see there were always, always choices. You just must look for them. As well, sometimes it takes pure unadulterated resilience to make a change.

You must take little steps to this change, make it one day, one moment at a time. The first step is to a healthier you. You say you are obese, well, a good portion of America is obese and part of that is because we have lost touch with what it is to eat right. Once we begin to eat wrong, eating the wrong things become a “Craving.” You will crave the saturated fats, you will crave the refined sugar, Debbie Cakes, Twinkies and the lot. Yes, your body craves the poison you put into it. Once you become aware that this is happening and make a conscience effort to change it…believe it or not…it will begin to change.

Most people fall when they diet because they don’t know how to properly diet. You seem reasonably intelligent so I urge you to do your homework, study yourself; Why do you eat? What do you eat? How are you eating?

I don’t claim to be a diet guru and I sure as hell don’t know all the answers. In fact, I don’t always practice what I preach. I am 5′3 and 135lbs. That means I am not obese but I have been. In order for me to lose any weight myself, I had to take notice of a few things. It’s just a few simple observations that changed some things for me. One of those observations was that if we listen to our bodies, instead of our bad habits, deeply ingrained, thing begin to change.

In example; I noticed that those children that were of normal height and weight, my own children, in fact, do not eat if they are not hungry. Their bodies, their own metabolism tells them, “Hey, slow it down there Mister.” You can put their absolute favorite food in front of them; pizza hot dogs, chips, cake, whatever and if they are not hungry, they will not eat it…until they learn bad habits.

So, ask yourself; “Have I ever eaten just for the sake of eating, even when I wasn’t hungry?”The start of even a tad bit of self control will begin your journey in this change. You start with every time you eat, do not eat the last bite. I’m telling you, if you can do this you will begin those little steps to a new you. Next step you leave two bites and so on.

Another way to this self control is to use a smaller plate and only eat what you put on that plate, leaving that last bite and so on. As well, to begin a diet and this self control thing I’m talking about, in your diet, you may have that slice of pizza, ya just can’t eat the whole damn thing. Go ahead and have some ice cream that you might crave, just don’t eat the whole box and only have one scoop. Yes, I’m giving you permission to eat some of those things so you don’t argue with yourself. It’s just all got to be in moderation.

I’m telling you that you can do this. I believe in you. Whatever Grandma is feeding you, eat it in moderation. See, Grandma comes from the old school, where food is comfort and a good women feeds her men. I know because that premise is deeply ingrained in me. When my sons come around, the very first thing I do, even unconsciously, is offer them something to eat. It’s what we do. That’s Grandma’s way of saying I love you. But she’s loved you so much, it shows, huh? Think about that, ok?

Little Steps

“Most of us want what we want when we want it and dammit we want it right now.”

Yes, I know you want out of this/your situation right this very minute. You may even be a bit peeved because we haven’t answered you until now. I do apologize for this as we are running behind, it is my fault. But you’ve come to this juncture, not over night and the journey out will and must begin will your own mindset.

I’d like you to begin to look into the resources which may be available to you. I’ve read your letter several times and what really reaches out to me is the part where you said;

“I’ve been sent to what people around here call a “crazy house” (mental rehab facility) several times because of false reports on her part (“He was trying to kill himself”, “He threatened to stab himself”) and I am always blamed when something goes missing, and was even yelled at when my cousin who I loved very much and was great friends with had a heart attack because it “was my fault for treating her like I did”.“

This situation, whether you realize it or not, may be used to your advantage. See, any time you are admitted or evaluated for Mental Health, you are given, either a Case Manager and/or a Therapist, Psychoanalyst, Psychiatrist, etc., etc. Now, find out who they are and begin to use them and your situation to your advantage. It will be named, just for you, ” Using the System” to your advantage. Sometimes if we don’t fight the system and go with it, it is a productive and possibly helpful situation.

In your scenario, you’ve fought the system. You were sent there against your will and I’d be willing to bet you were down right pissed off because of your involvement with Mental Health. Why don’t you turn this around to become a positive experience. Contact your worker or therapist and tell them exactly what is going on. Ask them for help and let them know that it is not, your situation, conducive to your mental state of mind. After you’ve said this, they will have pretty much do what they can to help you or at least steer you in the right direction. To start; simply ask if there are any resources available.

If you can not do this and you insist on breaking the chain and must move right away, find out where the shelters are in the area you want to go to. Now, this may not be the most pleasant of situations, most shelters are not the best environment. The reason for going though is that when someone goes to a shelter, they open up a “case” for you. They will then try to help you relocate. There will be available resources for you in this situation, I do believe. Walking into welfare and asking for help, especially in a new state will not get you too far right away and I do believe you might get more help by going to the shelter.

If all this does not work, I most assuredly welcome you to write us again, state the existing problem and what you have done and we’ll take it from there.

I wish you only the very best…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

From Real Food For Real People

~The Cabbage Soup Diet~

The ABC’s of a Negative Foods Diet
Many years ago, my Dad shared a book with me by the Monk, who invented this diet. The man had been an overweight Scientist, before becoming a monk. In his research, he pooled all his knowledge about Metabolism, Calories and Negative Calories.

He came up with the
“Cabbage Soup Diet”. He warned the reader, that you would certainly lose weight in the first week but you could not continue to eat this soup, by itself. He had become malnourished, himself. He made it clear, that after the first week, you must eat a sensible diet and suggested, eating the soup before your lunch and dinner.

My Dad, Mom, Husband and I, all lost weight on this soup diet. But why?
This soup ingredients has a consistent negative calorie content. What is a negative calorie?

Definition of Negative calorie diet

Negative calorie diet: The Negative calorie diet is a weight loss concept based upon the premise that consumption of foods with a “negative caloric effect” (meaning that the calories burned by chewing, digesting, and eliminating the food are greater than those contained in the food itself) will lead to rapid weight loss of up to two pounds per day.

Negative calorie diet works from the starting point that body has to burn energy to digest food. If more calories are consumed burning the food than that is contained in the food, you get a negative calorie effect.

Here’s a list of negative foods;

Negative calorie list for vegetables

Asparagus	Fennel *
Aubergine *	Gourd *
Broccoli	Leek
Cabbage *	Lettuce *
Carrots	Marrow *
Cauliflower	Peppers
Celery *	Radish *
Chicory *	Spinach
Cress *	Tomato *
Cucumber *	Turnip

Negative Fruits

Apricot	Mandarin orange
Blackberry *	Melon Canteloupe *
Blackcurrant	Peaches
Clementines	Plums
Damsons	Raspberry *
Grapefruit	Rhubarb **
Guava *	Strawberry
Honeydew Melon	Tangerine
Lemon *	Watermelon

My Recipe

1 lg head Cabbage

2 lg cans Tomatoes

1 stalk Celery

3 lg Onions

1 bunch Carrots

2 lg Green Peppers

1 lg Red Pepper

3+ cloves Garlic chipped

*4 Chicken or Beef Boullion Cubes

In a large pot, fill up half way with water and boullion cubes. Bring to boil. Cut, chip, slice your veggies and bring to a boil. Begin to simmer until tender. Add salt and pepper or whatever spices you might enjoy. I like cracked pepper in mine. I also like a few *optional things to jazz it up such as *1 lg can white boneless breast and *Mushrooms or Spinach.

The Cabbage Soup is an all-you-can-eat-cabbage-soup diet which claims that the more cabbage soup you eat, the more weight you’ll lose. The diet’s so-called fat burning soup contains negligible calories so you don’t have to worry about gaining weight. The Cabbage Soup Diet states that by adhering to the Cabbage Soup Diet for 7 days will result in immediate weight loss.

How Does the Cabbage Soup Diet work?

On the Cabbage Soup Diet, individuals are encouraged to eat as much Cabbage soup and consume as much water as they want. Other foods are involved as well but their intake is severely restricted. The cabbage soup can be eaten as many times but it is not recommended that you eat soup only as it can result in malnourishment. Drinking 7-8 glasses of water a day is also recommended. The Cabbage Soup Diet’s 7-Day plan is easy to follow, however dieters are asked to consult their doctor before following this 7-day meal plan:
~~~

If you have a special occasion coming up, or you simply need to lose weight fast, the Cabbage Soup Diet may be just what you’re looking for.

Although not suitable for long-term weight loss, the Cabbage Soup Diet is a low-fat, high-fiber diet that will help you get into shape fast before you embark on a more moderate long-term eating plan.

Pros and Cons of the Cabbage Soup Diet

Pros: You’ll lose weight fast, and can get as much of the foods listed in the program as you want. Although the diet is only for seven days (and shouldn’t be adhered to for longer), it provides a great “kick-start” for a more moderate diet.

Cons: Some people find the soup bland. Some people have reported feeling light-headed, weak, and have suffered from decreased concentration (although some who have been affected in this way felt it was well worth it, since it was only for a week and they had lost considerable weight).

Personal Note: If you’re SERIOUS about losing weight, I would URGE you to check out a brand new concept I just found out about :

Fat Loss 4 Idiots

This diet actually works BETTER than the cabbage soup diet, and it allows you to lose 9 lbs every 11 days … while eating many of your favorite foods.

Sound impossible? I thought so too, until I tried the amazing new method known a “Calorie Shifting”, which actually “tricks” your body into burning fat.

Believe me when I say this will blow you away! Click here for more info …

What the Cabbage Soup Diet is NOT

The cabbage soup diet is sometimes referred to as the “Mayo Clinic Diet”, and the “Sacred Heart Hospital Diet”. Interestingly, this diet has nothing to do with either the Mayo Clinic, nor any Sacred Heart Hospital we know about.

The Problem With Most “Mainstream” Diets

Most diets – especially “mainstream” diets, and those recommended by major medical institutions – work slowly but surely, resulting in around 1 pound of weight loss per week.

This “slow and steady” way to lose weight is certainly healthy, but suffers from one significant drawback : most people get discouraged and quit whatever diet they are on if they don’t see results quickly.
~~~

Seven Keys to Success

1. Follow the diet religiously.
2. Drink at least 4 glasses of water per day
3. Keep in mind that it’s only seven days
4. Complement the diet with a good multivitamin tablet
5. Print the information on this site so you can refer to it daily
6. Eat plenty of soup – as much as you want! Do not try to starve yourself or you’ll probably cheat and break the diet
7. Try different spices to liven up the soup and add variety
~~~
Here’s other versions, I found online;

The Cabbage Soup Diet
Also called “The Dolly Parton diet,” for reasons that are shrouded in mystery, this 7-day diet really does work–in the short term, anyway. And there’s a great purity to it–especially in the summertime when it’s wonderfully refreshing served ice cold. Ingredient proportions can be varied according to your likes and dislikes. If you’re interested in recent studies on the efficacy of soup in diets, click HERE And please read to the end of the recipe where you’ll find testimony and great ideas regarding the diet from soupsong readers.

Okay, are you ready? Here we go:

* 1 head cabbage, shredded or chopped
* 2 large onions, chopped
* 16-28 ounces canned tomatoes, chopped
* 2 green peppers
* 4 stalks celery
* 1-2 packages Lipton onion soup mix, or any dry onion soup mix (optional)
* black pepper
* any fresh herb(s) of your choice, chopped
* 6 carrots, sliced
* 1/2 pound green beans, sliced on diagonal
* 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar (optional)

Put all vegetables in a big pot and cover with water. Bring to a boil, stir in the soup mix (if desired), and boil gently for 10 minutes. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer until all the vegetables are soft. Stir in the black pepper and chopped herbs (saving some for garnish).

Eat as much of the soup as you like, as often as you like. Drink as much water as you like and non-caloric drinks including coffee, tea, and herbal teas.

Here’s what else you can eat, and when:

DAY 1: All fruits except bananas.

DAY 2: All vegetables, raw or cooked. This includes baked potato with a LITTLE butter.

DAY 3: Fruits and vegetables, but no potatoes or bananas.

DAY 4: Bananas and skim milk–eat as many as 8 bananas and drink as many as 8 glasses of skim milk.

DAY 5: Beef, skinless chicken, and/or fish–as much as 20 ounces, total. You can also eat 6 tomatoes. And you must drink 8 glasses of water. Don’t forget at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 6: Beef, skinless chicken, or fish and vegetables. Drink 8 glasses of water and eat at least one bowl of soup.

DAY 7: Brown rice, vegetables, and unsweetened fruit juice.

~~~~~~~

Cabbage Soup Recipe

* 6 large green onions
* 2 green peppers
* 1 or 2 cans of tomatoes (diced or whole)
* 3 Carrots
* 1 Container (10 oz. or so) Mushrooms
* 1 bunch of celery
* half a head of cabbage
* 1 package Lipton soup mix
* 1 or 2 cubes of bouillon (optional)
* 1 48oz can V8 juice (optional)
* Season to taste with salt, pepper, parsley, curry, garlic powder, etc.

Directions:

Slice green onions, put in a pot and start to saute with cooking spray.

Cut green pepper stem end off and cut in half, take the seeds and membrane out. Cut the green-pepper into bite size pieces and add to pot.

Take the outer leafs layers off the cabbage, cut into bite size pieces, add to pot.

Clean carrots, cut into bite size pieces, and add to pot.

Slice mushrooms into thick slices, add to pot.

If you would like a spicy soup, add a small amount of curry or cayenne pepper now.

You can use beef or chicken bouillon cubes for seasonings. These have all the salt and flavors you will need.

Use about 12 cups of water (or 8 cups and the V8 juice), cover and put heat on low. Let soup cook for a long time – two hours works well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Labels: Cabbage Soup Diet, Lose Weight

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Playing With Fire

by SidellSez

Dear Aunt Babz,

So there is this girl. This girl I care for a lot, and like her a lot. She like me too. Simple right? Not. My close friend likes her too. And guess what, she’s also admitted to liking him. We’ve both hooked up with her. We both know this, but its almost taboo to talk about with each other. I mean we have before, but never came to any conclusion. She eventually told us she didn’t want to pick, but be friends with both of us. We’ll that didn’t last long, and we are both pursuing her again. What should I do. And please don’t say that I shouldn’t anymore, cause she is playing us. I’ve realized that one. Im just confused and need an alternative!

Thanks,

Lost and Confused
Dear Lost and Confused,

I am not sure what to say, since you already know the problem and the solution but choose not to take it. So. Best I can do is offering you a bit of advice about your current actions.

You know that you are playing with fire, and someone is going to get burned. But the fire is fun and exciting, which makes it hard to stop. I get that… been there. But you need to sit down with your friend and talk even if it is taboo. You may think that these things won’t come between you two (because you figured it out before) but they will.

This girl is trouble for you two, and you need to sort out what is going to happen between the two of you and set some friendship ground rules, that’s for sure.
You know that no good can come of this, pursuing this girl from the both of you, so now you just need to do damage control since neither of you are willing to give it up and neither is she.

Wish I had better advice for you, but your gut instinct is right on this one.. you just need to have the courage to listen to it.

Good luck,

~Xmichra

Dear Lost and Confused,
Thank you for contacting Sidell Sez,
You are writing to me about a girl that both you and your friend like a lot. You wonder what you can do to find out about who she most cares for, you or your friend. My advice to you is that you need to take your time and as time passes, what she feels for you will be revealed. When you know how much she cares for either you or your friend, you will be in a better position to make a decision in regards to what you can do! So, for now, I advise you to take it easy and enjoy being friends.

I hope this helps!

Thank you for contacting,

SidellSez!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

IMing It

We hope you all had a wonderful holiday.
Aunt B is extremely behind because of the holidays. Please be patient. Thank You!!!

Dear Aunt B,

I’m currently in grade 12 and I really like this guy a lot; let’s call him Andy. Andy and I are friends and we have 2 classes together so I get to see him everyday. Anyway, I really want him to like me and I don’t think he likes me more than a friend and sadly, we’re not that great friends either but I do openly talk to him though since I’m not shy or anything. Eventhough I’m not shy, I am shy when it comes to flirting or making a move and one thing’s for sure; he’s definately the shy and quiet type. Some of my friends think I should make the first move. They want me to casually ask him out and I am planning to ask him to work on our homework together but nothing official. Anyway, I’m afraid of rejection and I dont want him to turn me down. Also, the main problem is I know he gave up dating since I have him on my facebook and he’s in this group, ‘I kissed dating goodbye’ and also, ‘I said hello to courtship’. I think this is because things ended badly with his ex. If that wasn’t hopeless enough for me, he’s a different race and religion, which I have no problem with but he may, I’m not really sure. He asked me to go to church with him and his friend once in class once but I said no… Yes, VERY stupid of me!! I just said no even without thinking because I never went to a church before and I wish I said yes so badly!! Anyways, he doesn’t really show that much interest in me but two of my friends think he does like me. Here’s one of our conversations through facebook messaging:

Andy

November 23 at 8:52pm

hey SA did you finish the english work?

SA

December 23 at 9:04pm

:O wowww.. this msg was oooldd.. lol andrew I usually dont ever check my fb inbox!! …and..noo i didnt finish my eng work =] u readin the book?

Andy

December 24 at 1:20am

nope lol but im going to start…how is florida?

SA

December 24 at 2:38pm

It was awesomee! the weather was soo perfect!! anywayz Merry Xmas!!! =) ..well i think itz xmas eve soo merry xmas eve?? =S

Aunt B, I’m showing you this conversation to show you that he doesn’t seem to have that much interest in me because he’s late in replying. Is there a way to make him like me? and do you think I should maybe flirt with him? I don’t really know how to but I can give it a try. I really want him to ask me out and it’s kind of obvious I like him!! My friends kinda make it obvious and I clearly sit behind him instead of with my friends in both of the classes we have together so that also kind of obvious too. If it’s obvious and he isn’t making a move, I guess it means he’s not interested, right?

~SA

Dear SA,

I see what makes this difficult for you, but you have to grab the bull by the horns and not be afraid of rejection. Because really, the worst this guy will say is no… and that isn’t really all that bad if you keep it in the comfort zone.

If I were you I would maybe re-look at the going to church thing (if you don’t mind, if it isn’t against your beliefs) and just ask “hey, I know you asked me before and I said no, but I would actually enjoy going to church with you to see what it is like, do you mind If I come with you?” ,something like that. It will open up a dialogue at any rate, and you can go from there.

Don’t get all religiously involved if that isn’t your thing, but to show an interest in what he values is a good thing. As for the Facebook messages, I wouldn’t get too over anxious about that. I know plenty of people who don’t check that inbox as often… and to join a group is no biggy either.

Maybe this guy did get burned and isn’t looking to get hurt… but I have yet to meet a person who really has sworn off dating when they were so young. Don’t be afraid to go for what you want though, or the only thing you will have is the regret of not trying.

Good luck!

~Xmichra

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!