Set Up From The Get Up

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I have a huge problem. I’ve been with a guy for 5 months. And I’m so in love with him. But I’m only 14, he’s 16. But age is not the problem. Sam (my boyfriend) has never once physically abused me in anyway. But the thing is, we fight, a lot. And it’s “always my fault” according to him.

Half the time I don’t even know why we end up fighting. It’s just about little things, something I said, or did. Another issue is that… he’s gotten me to do things I would never imagine myself doing. I let him eat me out, and I started a blowjob on him. And really the only reason I let any of this happen was because I was afraid he would get bored with me. And also we had many many many fights about how “I never did any of the work” so I did that for him.. And I regret doing it. But I don’t want to stop because I’m scared he’ll hate me. But see now I’m feeling completely hypocritical. Whenever we had a fight, I would go to my best friend (Carolyn). And we would text and talk about it. And I don’t even know how it happened, but I also started going to her boyfriend (Nolan), who she encouraged me to become friends with. So I would talk to them about it whenever Sam and I fought. But then we get news that Carolyn is moving to Canada that means no more calling or texting. But over the summer she went to Europe for 3 weeks and we couldn’t talk at all. So Nolan and I, instead of just talking when Sam and I fought, started talking all day long via text. And let me take this time to add a little Sam history. He has had two other girlfriends, and both of them cheated on him. And both cut their wrists. Now me, I cut once or twice when we fought. But I stopped because I realized it didn’t do me any good. So anyway, Sam refused to let me have any contact with any other guys. Especially Nolan, because Sam hates him for some reason. So I always talked to Nolan without telling Sam. But before I started falling for Nolan, Sam and I were convinced we were going to last forever, and get married, we had our whole lives planned out together. He even got me a Promise Ring. And I’m afraid now I got way into it with Sam. False hopes. So anyway.I loved talking to Nolan because he would always tell me I deserve better, and how great I am. And he was just so sweet and nice. But I saw it all as friends!>When Nolan and I started talking everyday for 3 weeks straight. We decided to hang out. So we saw a movie. And he was all snuggly, I just assumed as friends, because he hadn’t seen his girlfriend for weeks. But then he put his hands around my waist and pulled me close, and I was like “oh my!”. But then… he start brushing my neck, and kissing my neck softly and biting my ear, then rubbing his cheek on mine, then he kissed me… I pulled away and said “I can’t”. And then after the movie, we went to the bookstore and sat on a couch and just talked. And then I said i had to go because I was getting picked up, and he grabbed me into a hug and said “just one more minute”. Then I left. So we both decided the kiss “Never happened”. So Carolyn got back from Europe, but she was acting very cold toward Nolan because she was hoping it would help more once she left. And she did leave eventually. So we saw another movie not long after she left, because he was very mopey and I wanted to try and make him have some fun. But then at the movie, I ended up leaning on him. And every once and awhile I would look up at him and ask him a question about the movie. And he would answer, but also look into my eyes, with that longing look. And I would turn and watch the movie again. But at one point. About half way through the movie, I asked a question, he answered, did that longing look. Then kissed me. But this time is wasn’t a simple kiss… I didn’t pull away. I didn’t want to. We made out. We made out intensely. Then he pulled away, smiled, and said “watch the movie”. So we finished the movie. And we were the last left in the theater. And I was cleaning up the candy wrappers. And then he took them out of my hands, and grabbed me and pushed me down in the seat so we were laying down and we started making out again. But then I pulled away and said we should get out of the theater. So we were on our way out. But then he pushed me against the wall and started kissing me again. Then we finally left the theater. So it was around 10 pm at that point, and the mall was all closed, so we went outside to wait for out rides. And then we just made out every once in awhile. And the thing is, I didn’t want to stop!! It was so nice. Because he wasn’t “touching me” and I liked that. He wasn’t forcing me to do things I didn’t want to. So pretty much, I’m afraid I’m falling in love with Nolan. When I’m actually head over heels in love with Sam, who can be a complete ass, but at other times be the sweetest and funniest person I know. I can’t stop thinking about kissing Nolan constantly. I love Sam.. But I might be falling in love with my best friends long distance relationship boyfriend… What do I do?

Dear Friend,

The first thing that runs through my mind is, “Go for it,” with Nolan. Yes, I find myself wishing for you to forget all about Sam. But I know that’s easier said than done.

Quite frankly, my friend, I find a lot of questionable behaviors from Sam. It’s things you need to seriously look at before you take the next step.

Sam is extremely controlling and you’ve already got the Set Up From The Get Up for a Co-Dependent relationship. I’ll provide you with some links at the bottom of this post. I hope you will study them as it’s really important for your well being, a lifestyle change for the better, if you can see it clearly.

But Aunt B, why do you say such things? Well G-Friend, I wasted many years in a **co-dependent relationship myself. The sun rose and set on his ass. If he was unhappy, my world was in torment. When he told me it was all my fault I believed him. Yes, he was abusive up to the point when it took a bullet to change the variables of our relationship. I would not want it to come to that point for you. I want to spare you the heartache.

You’ve said that he’s not abusive…yet! I can just about see it coming to that. This kind of guy, while he loves very passionately, he hates with a vengeance. He also creates situations by fighting with you to show his passion for the minute, the subject in the moment. He has so much emotion he creates chaos and it’s usually in the form of an argument whether with you or someone else.

I mean, think about it, since it’s always your fault, it will always be your fault. But if you disagree with him you’ll be stepping up to bat sister, I guarantee it. Yes, he thrives on making you crazy in love. He thrives on controlling your emotion and he most certainly thrives on making you feel like shit about yourself.

Sure he loves hardcore and he’s the kind of guy that induces fear in other guys. They fear him but they do not respect him. In fact most think he’s an asshole. Don’t mix up fear with respect when looking for good traits in your man. Even you might not want to admit it but you fear him. You certainly don’t respect him because if you did you’d never think about entertaining the notion of a romantic interlude with Nolan. Selah (Pause & Ponder)

Gray Areas

G-Friend, you are young enough to break the chains that bind you. Take a long hard look at the kind of guy that you are attracted to. One side of you knows that Sam is an asshole, while the other side would defend him to the teeth. Am I right or am I right? All the while, if you were sitting right here beside me, you’d tell me, “You don’t understand! His love is so huge, so passionate and he knows me and when he’s in a good mood, he’s the best person to be around.The love is so intense”

I know this kind of love oh so well. It’s addictive, it’s habit forming and it’s hard to shake. He fills your dreams and controls your heart, mind and soul. He knows it too and it makes him who he is. He needs to control you to define who he is. Why else do you think that he argues so much and makes sure you know it’s always your fault?

You must look at your own words;
“Another issue is that… he’s gotten me to do things I would never imagine myself doing. I let him eat me out, and I started a blowjob on him. And really the only reason I let any of this happen was because I was afraid he would get bored with me.”

Now, you are still young and I hope you will wait, save yourself for the right guy. Sex is sooooooo over rated. And if you give the guy this over and over again, will it not lose it’s spark? Will it not lose it mystique and magic? But your words concern me because although a girl should do everything possible to keep her man shopping at her store and her store alone, you should never and I repeat never do anything because you’re worried that he’ll get bored with you. That’s why it should be friendship, then love first. Then you add that sex equation.

I know all about pre-marital sex and am/was guilty of it myself. I figured if I wanted the guy to like me, I’d better damn well put out, ya know? I had an extremely low self-esteem at certain points in my life. I can relate completely. As well, I’m no goody two shoes, I’ve been around the block and have had so many dance partners, it’s too many to count. Yes, I danced my way right into an unwanted pregnancy which altered my life. That’s a whole other subject which you can *read here, (Please Read)

I really really wish, I had you, your complete attention and you could learn from my mistakes. I just so happen to know that you are such a gifted young lady. You are not genius but you are intelligent and engaging.You have a super good disposition and an even better sense of humor. You are not drop dead gorgeous but you are very pretty. One half of you knows this and fights with the other half which looks in the mirror telling yourself that you are so lucky because Sam, who’s fairly good looking, even likes you. It’s pure and utter bullshit because Sam is damn lucky you gave him a second glance and really if the truth were known, he knows it all too well.

When you are not around Sam, you are a beacon in the night, you’ll brighten any room, a noticeable and notable young woman. But there is that side of you, that devil may care, mischievous side who is attracted to bad boys, namely Sam. Mark my words; He will bring you down. But before he’s done with you, he’ll hurt you so badly you might never recover. Stop the madness now!

I do have the gift of Intuition and I am able to see rather clearly that it will be difficult for you to break this habit. Never be egotistical but you must realize that you do deserve better than Sam. You will never change him or save him or make him better. He is going to give you a hard time but you must begin to distance yourself. You must begin to really ask yourself which path do you really want to walk down? And if the path is rocky, you are going down the wrong path. Selah

I am leaving for Arizona in a few short hours and I have so much to do still but here I am at this computer writing to you, compelled to tell you what I see, in black and white. I am telling you that you have choices here. You will find true love if you will only walk away from this negative force. You must cut it out like a cancer. You must begin to believe in yourself again.

Call me crazy but I see no good from this relationship with Sam and in fact I am adamant about you looking at it all from a different perspective. You are bright and you can change the course of your life. Study and read every tag/keyword you can on Empowerment which you’ll find on my sidebar. Begin to re-think, re-route your behaviors and build your self-esteem back up. Pleeeeze?

When you walk away, I hope you tell him it’s because he could never be wrong. See, a Real Man can admit when he’s in error. A Real Man can apologize every time. A real man build his partner up, not tears them down. Remember this, ok?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Please read these. Study as your very life depends on it;

*Meet Mrs. Know It All

**Nothing Changes Unless You Change It

Wikipedia Codependence

Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Nice and Easy

Dear Aunt B,

I am in sixth grade.I like a guy in my class but he really likes to tempt and tease me.and no,i don’t even know why i like him!i just do and i can’t make myself stop liking him! School starts in half a month and i don’t know what i should do when i see him again after summer break.should i tell him that i like him? should i ignore him? HELP ME!

Sincerely,

Sarah

Hello Sarah,

Well there’s a good chance he’s acting like that because he likes you to. I’m guessing he’s in 6th grade as well right? Yeah, from what you said, I think he probably likes you too. I mean, when you say he teases and tempts you, I don’t know exactly what he does, but I’m guessing he likes you too. I don’t know that you should tell him you like him. Don’t ignore him though, since you do like him. Just talk to him a bit, get to know him, maybe it will turn out that he likes you too.

I hope I have been some help, and I really hope it works well for you, and he likes you as well! If I did not give enough help, feel free to write back, and we can give it another try.

mb3

Dear Sarah,

Most guys, even at that age, tempt and tease only when they like you. He wouldn’t bother, I don’t think if he didn’t have feelings for you. But guys in 6th grade, believe it or not are just starting to really like girls. They usually just come out of the, “Girls are yucky,” stage and begin to notice the opposite sex. I agree with mb3.

Talk to him, take it nice and easy and things will hopefully jump. When you see him in the hall, maybe wink at him. That’s a little flirtatious but not too over bearing. Then, he’ll know that you do like him and he’ll probably get the cue that it’s ok to talk to you. Have a great new school year. These are the years that make memories…enjoy!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Silver Lining

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Hi Aunt B;

I’m 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I are thrilled and decided to share the news with our families last week. We respectfully asked them to keep the news quiet until the 12th week had passed. After having suffered a miscarriage a few of months ago, we did not feel comfortable sharing the news with just anyone until the 1st trimester was over. We honestly didn’t think this would be an issue, and so far, it’s been nothing but problems!

No one is respecting our wish to keep this quiet and many of the people that my husband and I had hoped to tell now know. We’re both pretty private people and if we lost this baby, we know it would be difficult for us to have to talk about with people other than family.

We’re regretting having ever told anyone but we also know that had we waited three months to tell them, they would have been hurt. Now it’s my husband and I who are left feeling betrayed and hurt that our family has not allowed us to share our news when we were ready to! We both understand that they’re all very excited as well, however, we both feel that this is our news to share with the people we care about when we are ready to. We’ve tried talking to them about this, but they just tell us to get over it and that we should be excited to tell everyone. They don’t seem to understand how this is impacting us. Any advice?

Dear Friend,

Congrats and let us pray that all goes well, in this joyous occasion.

This is such a delicate subject, on one hand and especially for you. On the other, it’s a situation/scenario, (the pregnancy) in itself, that happens every day. Your family most likely viewed it as the latter, an every day occurrence.

I can only imagine what you went through. As well, it must’ve been more painful than people understand. See, while people can have compassion about some things, they more often than not, do not have empathy, much less understanding. Yes, there is a clear and definite difference between the two and only those that have walked in your shoes can really have empathy. As well, your situation is unique to you and only you thus it is very hard for people to grieve as you have nor can they really surmise the complex emotion involved.

But you must forgive them. Their joy is genuine and this is why they were bursting with and beaming for your new pregnancy. They didn’t understand your fears nor did they understand that you cried yourself to sleep with the loss of your unborn child. You put on a brave front and wore your pain like a trooper but it affected you rather adversly. Know that all things happen for a reason and our God is a loving and merciful God. I am not religious but I sure am Spiritual. So, I have come to know that everything happens for a reason and that includes the loss of your child. But that premise also applies to the gift of a second chance.

First and foremost, stop blaming yourself for what happened and remember what I just said. Even if you don’t believe in a Higher Power, as I do, you have to know that all was not right or all would have been well. You, as well as your child were spared. What a gift. I know it is extremely hard to see this right now. A Mother’s love is forever and her heart is so easily broken. Mine has been broken countless times too numerous to mention. But I always joke that, “I wouldn’t sell my kids for a million dollars but wouldn’t pay a damn dime for any one of them.” I’m kidding of course and can not imagine my life without them in it. As a Mother, I know that we are sometimes defined by our children. Hell, I didn’t even know my own name, other than “Mommy” for years!

So, I can hardly stand the thought of losing any one of them and can not even fathom your loss. I can also understand your trepidation and hesitancy in exclaiming to the world, this impending birth. I mean, how do you explain it again, if something were to happen? It’s such a personal pain and I dare say, I, myself, may not have wanted to share in that pain with anyone including family.

If you had a normal reaction to this miscarriage, the feelings attached to this would run the gamet, possibly overlapping each other. From blame, shame, pain, a question of your womanhood and I could just go on and on, you most likely were an emotional wreck. However, I don’t believe the average person could/can surmise or comprehend all the emotional baggage that goes along with such an unfortunate loss.

Having said all that, I’ll say it again; You must forgive them for what they do not know or understand. No, they had no right whatsoever to tell anyone, especially when you requested them not to. You have ever right to be angry and disappointed. But it’s similar to an Attorney making a statement in court, then the judge strikes the statement. He’ll then turn to the jury and tell them to “Disregard the statement.” It really can not be done, it can’t be undone. It’s the same with your situation; it can’t be undone. They felt joy upon hearing the news because of your loss. Because of your loss, they could not contain that joy. They were all secretly hoping this would make it all better, make your pain go away and they never meant any harm.

Now, let go and let God. Forgive them as you will do yourself more harm than good by keeping it all inside and maintaining your anger and animosity. Try to find the Silver Lining in this; People do care, they want to share in your joy and it’s very apparent that they’d shout it from the rooftop.

Yes, there is a Silver Lining…look for it.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Silver Lining

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Hi Aunt B;

I’m 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I are thrilled and decided to share the news with our families last week. We respectfully asked them to keep the news quiet until the 12th week had passed. After having suffered a miscarriage a few of months ago, we did not feel comfortable sharing the news with just anyone until the 1st trimester was over. We honestly didn’t think this would be an issue, and so far, it’s been nothing but problems!

No one is respecting our wish to keep this quiet and many of the people that my husband and I had hoped to tell now know. We’re both pretty private people and if we lost this baby, we know it would be difficult for us to have to talk about with people other than family.

We’re regretting having ever told anyone but we also know that had we waited three months to tell them, they would have been hurt. Now it’s my husband and I who are left feeling betrayed and hurt that our family has not allowed us to share our news when we were ready to! We both understand that they’re all very excited as well, however, we both feel that this is our news to share with the people we care about when we are ready to. We’ve tried talking to them about this, but they just tell us to get over it and that we should be excited to tell everyone. They don’t seem to understand how this is impacting us. Any advice?

Dear Friend,

Congrats and let us pray that all goes well, in this joyous occasion.

This is such a delicate subject, on one hand and especially for you. On the other, it’s a situation/scenario, (the pregnancy) in itself, that happens every day. Your family most likely viewed it as the latter, an every day occurrence.

I can only imagine what you went through. As well, it must’ve been more painful than people understand. See, while people can have compassion about some things, they more often than not, do not have empathy, much less understanding. Yes, there is a clear and definite difference between the two and only those that have walked in your shoes can really have empathy. As well, your situation is unique to you and only you thus it is very hard for people to grieve as you have nor can they really surmise the complex emotion involved.

But you must forgive them. Their joy is genuine and this is why they were bursting with and beaming for your new pregnancy. They didn’t understand your fears nor did they understand that you cried yourself to sleep with the loss of your unborn child. You put on a brave front and wore your pain like a trooper but it affected you rather adversly. Know that all things happen for a reason and our God is a loving and merciful God. I am not religious but I sure am Spiritual. So, I have come to know that everything happens for a reason and that includes the loss of your child. But that premise also applies to the gift of a second chance.

First and foremost, stop blaming yourself for what happened and remember what I just said. Even if you don’t believe in a Higher Power, as I do, you have to know that all was not right or all would have been well. You, as well as your child were spared. What a gift. I know it is extremely hard to see this right now. A Mother’s love is forever and her heart is so easily broken. Mine has been broken countless times too numerous to mention. But I always joke that, “I wouldn’t sell my kids for a million dollars but wouldn’t pay a damn dime for any one of them.” I’m kidding of course and can not imagine my life without them in it. As a Mother, I know that we are sometimes defined by our children. Hell, I didn’t even know my own name, other than “Mommy” for years!

So, I can hardly stand the thought of losing any one of them and can not even fathom your loss. I can also understand your trepidation and hesitancy in exclaiming to the world, this impending birth. I mean, how do you explain it again, if something were to happen? It’s such a personal pain and I dare say, I, myself, may not have wanted to share in that pain with anyone including family.

If you had a normal reaction to this miscarriage, the feelings attached to this would run the gamet, possibly overlapping each other. From blame, shame, pain, a question of your womanhood and I could just go on and on, you most likely were an emotional wreck. However, I don’t believe the average person could/can surmise or comprehend all the emotional baggage that goes along with such an unfortunate loss.

Having said all that, I’ll say it again; You must forgive them for what they do not know or understand. No, they had no right whatsoever to tell anyone, especially when you requested them not to. You have ever right to be angry and disappointed. But it’s similar to an Attorney making a statement in court, then the judge strikes the statement. He’ll then turn to the jury and tell them to “Disregard the statement.” It really can not be done, it can’t be undone. It’s the same with your situation; it can’t be undone. They felt joy upon hearing the news because of your loss. Because of your loss, they could not contain that joy. They were all secretly hoping this would make it all better, make your pain go away and they never meant any harm.

Now, let go and let God. Forgive them as you will do yourself more harm than good by keeping it all inside and maintaining your anger and animosity. Try to find the Silver Lining in this; People do care, they want to share in your joy and it’s very apparent that they’d shout it from the rooftop.

Yes, there is a Silver Lining…look for it.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Good Samaritan

Hi Aunt B–

I don’t know if I’m making a big issue out of something that isn’t so big, but I’m pretty sure I’ve created a situation at work that is causing some discomfort for someone else, and I know it’s causing some for me, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

You see, I found myself growing attracted–really attracted–to someone at work. I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, and anyway, although I’m really attracted to him, I had a very hard time believing we were a good fit, so I tried very hard not to let my feelings show. But I slipped up, and he figured it out. He was very kind about it, letting me know in a subtle way that he was married, and talking with me in a way that really kept me from being embarrassed. And I’m not embarrassed, I haven’t been, and I’ve gone about my business as usual since then. But twice now, when he and I have been in the same room together, but without really saying anything to each other, I’ve wondered if he’s feeling uncomfortable.

I’m not sure, but I think he may have gone out of his way to avoid me once. So my question is; should I try to avoid being around him for awhile? It really wouldn’t be that difficult. I’ll admit it would hurt my pride a little to do that–it would be like saying that I was just being nice to him before because I thought he was available, which would not be true. But if it would make him feel more comfortable, at least for awhile, I could do it. On the other hand, while it wouldn’t be difficult for me to avoid him, it would be terribly obvious, to him as well as some other people, and maybe that would make him more uncomfortable.

Also, I admit that it hurts me to think he would avoid me–it’s not like I was throwing myself at him, but that’s how it makes me feel now. I don’t know what to do, or even how to act toward him anymore. I was hoping to just go on as usual, and maybe it could go back to the way it was before, but now I don’t know if that’s possible. At least not right now. I would really appreciate any advice you could give me about how to act so I can make it better. If I can. You’re the only one that I’ve been able to find who seemed to me to be able to answer a question like this. Thanks for your help. Lisa Dear Lisa,

Thanks for the kind words. We don’t often get much feedback, believe it or not so I do rather enjoy hearing any encouraging words.

I would imagine that you cringe inside every time you see him now, if nothing else in or with a bit of regret, right? I think I might feel the exact same way, if that’s any comfort? You can’t turn back time, you can’t take back what was said or make the exchange between you non existent.

You seem the type of woman, firmly planted in reality and I can just feel that you are in the category of the few, the proud, the Bitch Belt wearing breed of woman. If you’ve not read about it, please take the time to read the link provided.

Anyway, point is; You say you’re not embarrassed and quite frankly I don’t think you should be either. So, you grab the bull by the horns and ride. You hold your head up high, walk in there, any room, any given situation with the thought process that the guy that you encountered should feel damn lucky and quite flattered that you’d find him interesting and datable.

Flip the script. Think about it. Most men, especially married men love validation. They love to know they are still desirable, I mean that’s just human nature, is it not? We all want acceptance in some form or another and you probably made his day with your approach.

It will only be uncomfortable if you allow it to be. People can feel the vibes, they feel and see from body language. Yes, it speaks volumes and if you feel uncomfortable because you think he might be uncomfortable, he’ll sense it. That’s what’s happening.

So, next time you see him, you’ve moved on, in your mind and it’s as if it never happened. But if you do happen upon it in your mind, make sure you hold your head up, you smile with the knowledge that you did a good deed; you made someone feel good about themselves. Yes, it was the act of a Good Samaritan!

One of my fav sayings is, “Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit.”

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Ego Whip

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have a girlfriend that I’ve been friend with for over 5 years. During our friendship, I’ve acted like a mentor as she was trying to break in a field that I was already in. I was there to give her advice and help for just about everything she needed..

Her daughter, which she had at 14, is getting married. And before I embarked on my professional career, I had a floral design business. When she informed me that she and her family were going to prepare the flowers because she could not afford to hire a designer. I offered to do the flowers for her. She showed me some pictures of what she wanted and I told her that I would go ahead and complete the both the wedding and reception so she could spend time with her daughter during her wedding day.

Yesterday, I went to visit her and found out that she had taken up running. I knew I hadn’t gotten her anything for her birthday, so I asked her to go with me to the running store so I could look at a few things. Instead of me trying on things, I tricked her into trying on some shoes, which I bought as a gift.

Today, my friend informed me that she took the shoes back and that she was sending me a gift certificate for the return of the shoes. She told me that she was very angry that I had insisted on getting her the shoes because she didn’t want them. She told me that while she didn’t think I was doing anything bad, she just didn’t want the shoes.

Then she informed me that she decided that she didn’t want me to do the flowers because she no longer trusts me. She told me that her daughter’s wedding is important to her and that she doesn’t trust that I will do what she says. I told her that I would only do what she requested and go by the pictures she provided. She informed me that she did not trust me and that she would not want me to do any of the flowers because I purchased the shoes for her birthday against her wishes.

I was very hurt by this. I feel embarrassed and I don’t even want to go to the wedding. How should I take this. How can someone say they are my friend, but at the same time tell you they don’t trust you. When I asked if there was anything I had ever done in the past to make her feel like this, she told me no. I’m not sure what to make of this! Please help!

Marie

~ Pride is an admission of weakness; it secretly fears all competition and dreads all rivals. ~

Fulton J. Sheen

Dear Marie,

Well my friend, you’ve just been hit with an Ego Whip. Not very pleasant, I must say but it is the weapon of choice in retaliation for a bruised ego. Yes, it stings like hell, doesn’t it?

It’s a damn shame because you and I both know you meant absolutely no harm but I’m afraid there’s no turning back from this one. Unfortunately, I can’t find any resolve here. I’d thought that maybe writing her a letter or sending a card might do the trick. But what would you say? I mean, you could apologize till you turn blue. You could assure her that by no means would you ever vary from the formula she’s got in mind concerning the flowers. Hell, you could even offer her the opportunity to watch you do it. None of this or any other excuse or manner of application is gonna do here.

What has happened here has nothing to do with you, you personally, nor does it really have anything to do with trust or her concerns that you might not do her flowers as specified.

What has happened and I rely on my good ol’ Intuitions to guide me here; you bruised her ego with your gift.

Now, it may seem harmless and given out of the goodness of your heart. But you pushed the wrong button and you’ve crossed a boundary, an invisible one but a line non the less, that she’s had drawn and up for many years.

She’ll never in a million years admit it but when you snuck the sneakers to her, she felt a bit of shame, a feeling of pity on your part. She’s the kinda gal that you know accepts no handout from anyone in any way shape or form. No commiserate gesture will every sit well with her. Yep, it’s a clear cut case of pride.

This is not the first time she’s felt this way concerning you. Quite often because you have a giving spirit whether it be advice or in your role as her mentor, you’ve stepped on her toes. This is not by any means mentioned to make you feel bad, that is not my intention but all this was the last straw for her and I don’t believe there’s any turning back.

Let me make it real clear to you that this is not your fault nor is it your problem. No, you keep on keepin’ on, never vary from the good and kind person that you are. This is her issue and not a nice scenario at that. Pride is and can be her downfall. Eventually, I hope she will see that her pride has caused such strife and at the very least, she has lost one of the best friends she’ll ever have.

Marie, I really have no answer here except to assure you that you did nothing wrong. Furthermore, I think you should dust yourself off, ruffle your tail feathers, apply a fresh application of lipstick and continue to smile. Let this be a life lesson that I do hope you’ll soon recover from. Leave the door to your heart open as there’s someone who’s coming along that could really use a true blue, warm and giving friend. This new friend went to Kindergarten and learned early on about giving and sharing, receiving and the joy of friendship.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Hold Off

Dear Aunt Babz,

So I sort of have a ‘typical complicated relationship’ with a boy. I’m 16, and he’s 17, so…humour me. Anyway, we are ‘bestfriends’, but we cross that line a lot. We’ve both confessed that we are in love with eachother (which I am deeply), but he still insists that he isn’t ready to date me yet, due to how it would be immediately serious, and would put a lot of pressure on the two of us. I, of course, said I would wait as long as he needed. Last Friday night a mutual friend had a hall party, and I got a little out of hand. I saw him kissing a random girl that was 4 years younger than him, and I got so mad. But instead of making a scene, I thought GET EVEN. So I made out with like 7 guys, and made a bit of a fool of myself. So anyway, he was obviously angry. He called me the next morning and we had a long talk, by which I told him that I am pretty much being unfair to myself. Yes, it was wrong what I did, but he isn’t my boyfriend, so it isn’t that bad. He proceeded to yell at me, and tell me that I must not really love him if I can kiss other guys (two of which were his friends, so he complained that what I did was so much worse than what he did!) Then I told him that we need to take some time apart, so I can have my space, because if you’re not going to commit to being with me, than a girl can only wait so long. There are a lot of other boys in this world who would be happy to be with me, and I know that, so I feel like i’m wasting my time. Although, i’m sure this boy is meant for me, and I really do love him. So what i’m asking is, was it wrong for me to do what I did to him at the hall party, even though we aren’t ‘together’? And was it wrong to ask for time apart from a really good friend just because I want to date him? If so…what do I do?

Hello,

Well, first of all, ask yourself this. If he says he is in love with you, then why is he not ready to date you? Also look at it this way. You said you have crossed that line a lot, could he just be saying he loves you in order to get you to “cross that line”? Hold off on doing that with him, and see what he says then. Also, if he really loves you, would he be kissing other girls? Somebody who is doing that might not be trustable in the long haul. It sounds a lot like he is not ready to be in a committed relationship.

If he gets mad at you for doing what you did, even though he did pretty much the same thing, it sounds hypocritical. However while he should not have yelled at you for making out with those guys, I would advise against going that direction, instead talking to him about what he did the next morning. You are right, in that there ARE a lot of other boys in this world that would be very happy to be with you. And with many of them, you would not have to worry about them cheating on you or kissing other girls. Also, what makes you sure he is meant for you if he is kissing other girls, and saying he loves you but not wanting to date you? You definitely have a right to ask for some space. And he should not have a problem with it, since he was the one who said he doesn’t want to date yet in the first place.

I hope to have helped you out a little, and I really hope that this all works out for you in for the best. I wish you the best of luck!

mb3

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Door of Opportunity

Dear Aunt Babz,

Uhm…Hello, I found this site and..yeah, it seemed worth a shot. I’m not sure whether it’s advice or reassurance that I would really like. But anyway… This may sound really stupid… But I’m 15 and so is the guy I’m with.. and well.. I hope it works out, but I’m afraid it won’t because we each live in a different country. I’m willing to wait and stuff.. But I’m a bit scared of the whole thing. And he means so much to me. I’d go as far as to say I love him, but I’m afraid of the responses I’d get from saying that because I’m so young. Even if I find someone else attractive, it’s because they somehow remind me of him and I never like them more or find them more attractive or want to be with them. I’ve also liked/loved (I don’t know which is more appropriate) him for a very long time, longer than I can say I’ve ever felt attracted to anyone else…ever. I can’t imagine being with someone else. But that doesn’t change the fact that we live so far apart that it’s frightening to me. My sister told me if it’s supposed to work, then it’ll work….is that true? I don’t mean to sound so typical and silly. My apologies if I’m wasting your time… I’m sorry.

Dear Friend,

Well, your Sister is right, to one extent, “What will be, will be.” By the way, you are not wasting my time. Your concerns are as valid as any one Else’s. You also have a right to be concerned as your situation dictates.

It is extremely hard to make things work when you are both in a different country. Did I understand this, you are in two different country’s? But I do believe with all of my heart that things happen, all things happen for a reason. That reason will unfold itself to you one day. But for now, you have these feelings of love and far be it from me to negate your feelings. I would dare say that your feelings are very real, even at your young age.

Yes, love comes in every shape and size, intensity and lack thereof. It comes just as true as/to someone who’s 30 years old, 40 years old. What I am saying is that love is an emotion that evolves with age. It evolves, changes and either weakens or intensifies with time. With maturity even, comes an understanding a propensity, a craving for those feelings, that love of our youth. And as we mature, we understand love in a different way. Sometimes it’s complicated and yet it may become simplified. Who’s to say?

Time will tell if it is to be, for you and your guy. In the meantime, you must ask yourself a few questions? Since there are so many kinds of love, you must ask yourself if his kind of love is worth waiting for. You do have time on your side. But does he make you laugh? Does he treat you with all the respect of a best friend? Is he being faithful to you? Does he treat you as you treat him? If you answer yes to these simple questions, then till you learn otherwise, stick it out and wait.

Most of all, never allow anyone to tell you that what you feel is not love. They might tell you , “What do you know at your age?” Hmmmm? Well, you’ve known and felt, expressed and gauged love since the day you were born. I do believe that your feelings are really real. But one thing is for certain; Change.

Yes, you’ll change. He’ll change. The world around you will change. Your fav color today might be pink but tomorrow it may change to purple. Your idea of true love might change as you mature. What you need and require from love might change and it is all normal and through no fault of your own.

Love is kind and considerate, it is patient and willing to wait. I encourage you to leave the door of opportunity open for both of you. What that means is that now and forever, today and tomorrow, with this young man or the man you might marry, you allow them the chance to be honest. Yes, you leave that door open, the door of trust that they might always be afforded the chance to be honest and tell you exactly how they feel.

See, by letting them know that you will always be open to honesty, even in the rawest, truest form, they might tell you that things don’t feel quite right. They might tell you that their heart has changed and their fav color is no longer what it was. They might come to you first because you’ve always been open to it, that they matured and have grown apart from you.

That door of opportunity is more important than given credit. If your guy knows that he can always come to you and say what’s on his mind, well, he might one day tell you that things just aren’t as they were. He just might come to you before he fools around, before he breaks a heart.

Let’s hope that the inevitable change, that constant change, is an evolution, a growth in warmth. Yes, love is a constant, change is a constant. Your love must be in flux and you must never forget to work at it, never take it for granted and feel it, really feel it like there is no tomorrow.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Do Over

Dear Aunt B,

I read some of the articles about your take on incest between a mother and son and agree with your views. However, i think i have a bit of unique situation. I also have a sexual attraction towards my mother and have since i was 13. It started with her walking around in her bra and panties and took off from there.

She over the years has sent me very mixed signals about where she stands on the subject. The first time i acted on my emotions, i had felt her breasts when she was asleep, masturbated in front of her then left the room. Extremely wrong, I know. But, the next morning the first thing she said to me was what i was doing in her room last night, with a grin on her face. i replied that I thought she was calling me so i went in to check on her, all the while thinking to myself i was busted. She then laughed and replied “oh okay” and rolled her eyes like she knew what really happened. and that was it, no talk , ass chewing for what i did, just a quick laugh and on with life. Now in my mind what i had done was obviously acceptable. So now i am spying on her undressing and letting my libido take over my logic.

Some time later, she comes into my room early in the morning to wake me up and my you know what was “standing at attention”. She looked at it, grabbed it and said “wow that’ll wake us both up!” then left my room. Moving on, a few years down the road I finally get enough nerve to make the “first” move. So i come up behind her and grab her breasts and tell her i have always wanted to do this. To my surprise she didn’t even take my hands off her breasts right away and let me feel for about 10-15 seconds before actually doing anything. So i thought i was in, then she proceeded to give me a lecture on how its wrong and she could never do that etc…..

What do i do to get closure on this because she was sending me mixed signals all the time and it confused the hell out of me when she denied me.

Dear Friend,

You are not the first nor will you be the last guy that might find his Mom attractive.It is my understanding that this sort of thing can be a natural emotion or possibly a situation where you emulate your Mother in the context of finding a mate that has the same qualities as Mom.

Simply stated, you and Mom need to nix those feelings and not cross those imaginary lines, the boundaries we all set between right and wrong, scrupulous and unscrupulous.

I find fault in a situation where Mom touches your erect penis or allows you to behave a certain way in front of her, i.e masturbating or any other sexual expression. You know and I know that she pretended not to see but she knew what you were doing, now didn’t she?

It’s quite natural for a boy and his Ma to be close. Yes, it’s actually a wonderful thing for a guy and his Mom to be close enough to share in just about every aspect of their lives. But notice my wording there, “just about.” The invisible barriers are there, lines drawn that are not to be crossed, morally, emotionally and literally.

Now, I’m not one to cow tow to society’s rituals and quite often I’ve lived my own life with the edict that “rules are made to be broken.” Personally, some might even say that my sons and I have a messed up set of rules and principles. In my past, I have shared, quite often too much with my boys and I pay the Piper for it now. Another story unto itself, suffice it to say that there’s not much my sons and I do not share. They tell me all about anything and everything, often in graphic detail. Throughout all these years, I was often a friend, a bad one at that, instead of a mother. But I had my children very young and was growing up, just about with them at the same time. Live & Learn…

Those imaginary lines, boundaries between a mother and her son must never be crossed. It’s just inappropriate and morally wrong. Finding fault in this situation does no good but may I suggest that you do not encourage this any further?

I must say that I believe that your Mom may be flattered by your insinuations, innuendo and attention. It’s not mentioned in your letter but I’d be willing to bet that Mom is single, getting older and quite lonely. You’re a decent looking fella and she enjoys your adulation and adoration. But deep down inside you both know that it’s wrong. Inappropriate touching is a big no-no, no matter how lonely you are.

My advice to you is to cease and desist any further crossing of those boundaries. You’ve written me, not for shock value but simply because you have the need to purge, haven’t you? I am putting it as plainly as I can; Yes, I understand your love for your Mom but sex and love are two different things. Don’t twist it any longer. There’s no crying over spilled milk and you can’t undo what’s already done but you can choose to do the right thing from this juncture on.

Normally, I’d hold Mom accountable for this unsuitable situation. But the interim effects of all this can’t be over looked, you might only hold yourself accountable from this moment on. I do believe you knew it was wrong. I do believe you’ve known all along but you managed to mix up the emotions attached to a solid and healthy relationship between a mother and her son.

Do Over

Start over, forget about what has happened. Enjoy your time with your Mom, with healthy boundaries, lines you will no longer cross. You suggest to her to possibly find someone her own age. Be on her team, cheering her on to find happiness and to begin to date again. And you do the same.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Crystal is our guest adviser today…
Dear Reader,

We’re not gonna beat around the bush here; I fault your Mother for sending the mixed signals in this situation. She has, at every opportunity, egged it all on. She should have never allowed any of this and she is in the wrong. It is especially wrong for your Mom to touch you.

Did Mom get off because you found her attractive? Masturbation is usually a private matter but for your Mom to encourage or even pretend that she didn’t see it is clearly a moral error. Mom should be the one in charge and set the examples but instead she only allowed it, encouraged it.

We think she has may have a low self-esteem and you make her feel better about herself with all this attention. She needs to look at this because this could be very damaging to your relationship in the future There is a difference between love and sex and your Mom has confused you. Affection between you and your Mom is one thing and it’s just dandy for you two to be close but she has crossed the line. You both have crossed that invisible boundary.

You are just a growing boy and your testosterone often dictates to you what you will do. But is it steering you wrong? I mean sex is sex, love is love. sex and love are not one and the same. You are confusing the difference between love and sex, affection, closeness…

Your Mother had no business walking around half naked nor should she have encouraged you as she has. She is the one you look up to for guidance and whether or not she realizes it or not she is morally wrong for allowing any of this to go on.

They have a saying that, “A stiff Willy has no conscience,” and at your age, I’m sure your Willy could testify, that it does not know the difference between good and bad, moral and unmoral but you know better, now don’t you? My advice is you need to be straight forward with your Mom that she’s been sending mixed signals and she should be more conservative in her dress and mannerisms towards and around you. You two are crossing the line between love and sex, affection and sex. Love does not equal sex, sex does not equal love except when you are in a loving and healthy relationship with a spouse/girlfriend, etc.

It’s very normal for you to get an erection and sometimes it’s unprovoked but your Mom is provoking this and I think she’s aware of it. She thinks it’s funny, real cute but we think she knows it’s wrong. She may even like it that you find her attractive? You need someone your age, hell, even read a magazine but stay away from your Mom. If she won’t stop it you must. Sub conscientiously you know as does your Mother, that it is very wrong. The emotions you have towards your Mom is normal but crossing that line to incestuous behavior must stop. Before any more damage is done simply stop it and find a girlfriend!

On Your Side,

Halena & Crystal

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Change the Subject

Hi Aunt B,
I’ve just come back from a long holiday in California and while i was there i met a really nice guy, he’s my cousins friend. During my stay i lived with my cousin who lives with this guy so i got to know him really well. He is a real gentleman and we had so much in common and he always found a way to make me laugh even if i was upset. The only problem now is that i won’t see him again for a very long time and i don’t know how to get over him. When i wake up the first thing i think about is him and i start calculating the time difference wondering what he might be doing on the other side of the world. All i can talk about is him as well, when i got back everyone was asking how the holiday was and all my stories some how revolved around him. I start thinking about him all the time because everything seems to remind me of him like when i hear some of the songs that i heard while i was in the car with him. I can’t seem to get him out of my head but i really need to because i can’t have these lingering thoughts in my head, now that i’m back i need to get back on track with my life here in England and i can’t just go off into thoughts about him. When i think about him it makes me really upset and depressed because i know its very likely that i won’t see him again. Please give me some advice on how i can stop thinking about him so much and move on because i know there’s no point thinking what could have been because its just not going to happen.
Thanks Lyn.

Dear Lyn,

Gosh Lyn, that’s kinda sad, huh? I mean I really feel for you, feel your heartache. But I imagine you’ve weighed every possible aspect of any continuity of this relationship? Yes, that’s quite the leap across the pond from England to California. That’s a damn shame though because it sounds to me like the kind of guy you really need; One who makes you laugh in the darnedest of moments.

I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. You met this fella for a reason. In turn, that answer will one day reveal itself to you. Could that reason be that it made you look at relationships in a different way? What I am referring to is the possibility that this guy was not what we could/would deem your “normal kind of choice.” What I am trying to say is that somehow I feel that this type of guy is not within the scope of guys you would have dated in the past?

There absolutely is no real answer to this except to say that all you can do is begin to date guys, looking for Mr.Right, that same kind of guy that has a good sense of humor and similar qualities to this fella in California. Is he at the bowling alley/gaming facility?

Time heals all wounds but you must do what you can to remain busy, keeping your mind occupied. Of course you want to think about him and your time with him, your psyche just delights in it. But try not to entertain these thoughts. Do yourself a favor and every time he pops into your mind, try to think of something else instead of entertaining thoughts about him. I know it’s a tall order but do your best to occupy your mind. Find a new hobby, begin dating again and it’s just a matter of time till this man walks into your life. You will laugh again…

I wish I could offer up a better solution. The only thing you can do is try to change the subject, if only in your mind.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

The Marriage Bed

Dear Aunt Babz

I have been talking to a guy who I knew in High School. He has been married for 11 yrs. and they have an 11 yr. old daughter. He works very hard to give them all they need. He has wanted a divorce for about 2 yrs. now. When he tells her if she doesnt start paying attention to him or showing affection and to quit spending all her time with the horses than he is asking for a divorce. She of course changes for about a week and then its back to the same thing. He hasnt slept in the same bed with her for about 9 yrs. because she says he snores and keeps her awake, so he has slept on the couch.

He and I have been talking about starting a life together and he has asked her for a divorce. So my question is in order for him to not lose everything in the case that she does find out that we are sort of seeing each other should he try to get a legal separation asap? Or is it even going to make a difference if she finds out before he can get a divorce?

Dear Friend,

You can bet your bippy, if she finds out, she will use it against you. Now, I am not a legal eagle and my contact is out of the States at the moment but I would advise him to file for separation with Irreconcilable Differences. In most states, you must show cause or make a claim of some sort that validates your reasoning for that divorce.

To remain amicable is the key here. He needs to come at her from a place of “letting her go,” in hopes that she will one day be happy. What I mean is that all and everything changes if the wording is right. He should point out the fact that she is not happy with him and a marriage is legally and morally not a marriage if they do not even share the marriage bed.

I don’t care too much for snoring myself and had laid awake many sleepless nights due to the sawing sound, a constant from my spouse. But I never ever would selfishly allow my *husband to sleep on the couch. I sure as hell would not thoughtlessly allow it to go on unattended for 9 years. That’s just wrong and he needs to point it all out.

I wore ear plugs and do till this very day even though I am no longer in that or any other relationship. I just got used to wearing them and what a difference a good pair of ear plugs can make. I do believe it could actually make or break a marriage that is already in conflict.

Their marriage has remained in that conflict and the icing on the cake was kicking him out of that bed. Even if he went voluntarily out of the goodness of his heart, I still have a problem with a woman that would allow her husband to remain on that couch for all those years.

Once again, I will mention that writing a letter, carefully orchestrated, mindfully worded may make the biggest difference in this situation. Yes, file for that separation but in addition, he should write a letter to her explaining that while he’ll always love her, neither of them are in love any longer as it’s perfectly transparent by her long term actions of disillusion.

I think it would be paramount to point out that he does not want to find fault with the obvious but merely take her by the hand and walk her through an amicable separation. He should tell her that he has not been happy as things are and it has gone on long enough. He should also point out that while she did try to for a minute, she seems unable to afford him what he needs; the basic fundamentals of any relationship. Those fundamental, every day items, are first and foremost sharing the marriage bed. As well, if the affection is gone, the attention is lacking, even on the most testimonial and affiance level, he needs to make her aware that it is not normal but more importantly, detrimental emotions he needs, requires and is not and has not seen, felt or known for many years.

It might be important for him to look in the mirror and see just what he may have attributed to the demise of his marriage. Fessing up to that in the letter would show that he realizes that he played a part. It is not a matter of looking for or to blame but simply showing that you are not pointing the finger or placing blame. Believe it or not, the manner in which you state things will make all the difference in the world as to whether she takes a defensive stance and fights this or makes a common realization as to her own part in this regrettable situation.

I encourage you both to be considerate and set aside any hateful differences. Your approach to this dissent will make the difference. If he has a positive tone in his words and he chooses to let her know that he is aware of how this may be a painful process, it may go farther than an attack defense. Let her know as well that it is not your aim to cause her grief but to right the wrong that has gone on way too long. This is real important and may make a huge impact in the proceeds to follow. Then hopefully, you two just might be able to move on, proceed forward on a positive and happy note and most of all; guilt free.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*Just for the record; what happens in your marriage comes in part from what you allow. If you behave as a victim, you will always be a victim.

Babs, that’s pretty solid advice for the dude. On a different note though… to the writer of the letter, and i am trying not to be a bitch here i really am. But you gotta back off.If the marriage is doomed and is going to fail, then it will without your interference. And if it was meant to be, a life with this guy. Then he will look for you afterwards. my personal take is neither of you should be party to extra-marital ideas. but that’s just me. And maybe you two are destined for each other, who am i to say. But regardless of how the two of you feel, HE is married. And if he feels that he needs to end the marriage because he is unhappy, then he should do that instead of being disrespectful to his wife. Which is to say, have a relationship with anyone else while married to her. I am not in any way saying that he doesn’t need to get out of this marriage, i have no idea what his life is like. But you can bet 100% that if there is any fallacy on his part he can, and likely will be nailed to the wall. Why? Because people, regardless of how they treat each other in a marriage, have a butt load of rights when it comes to unfaithfulness. And you don’t need to be having sex to prove that. OOOH no. He says that they don’t sleep in the same bed? That she is unkind and ignores him? Very well could be the truth. Then again maybe not, can he prove that? However, him having an on-line relationship and discussing moving on with his life with you? Definitely a legal no-brainer. You definitely need to be careful, and both of you need to cool the jets until he can get through to his wife and end the marriage. Continuing the e-mails and talking will likely land him with nothing, and maybe even blaming his own actions and thinking the online relationship was a big mistake and ditching you too. You just don’t know. be careful with this one.

~Xmichra~

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!