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Archive for February, 2008

Allow Yourself Closure

In HyperVigilance, Mental Pictures, Neurodermatosis, Neurodermititis, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on February 25, 2008 at 2:42 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

When I was eight years old my dad shot my mom 13 times in her chest. When the police brought me and my grandparents to the morgue, my grandma begged the medical examiner to see the body, but because of the condition of the body the examiner refused. However, the examiner took a picture of my momʼs face and that was it. Two years later a special agent from the F.B.I who had helped in that case came to our house with the evidence that was used in the case. Two things were in the box, cassettes tapes of my mom talking about her life (audio diary) and the photographs of her body at the crime scene. As crazy as it sounds, my grandma wanted to see these pictures and so did I. The agent hesitated and then warned us about how graphic they were. I didnʼt push it any further because I knew my grandma wouldnʼt be able to handle it, but I knew I could. Over the years I figured I would just forget about the urge to see them, but I didnʼt. My grandparents raised me so I had been around them most of my life. But at the time of her death I had been living with her and had been for a year. When she died I cried on and off, but I held the rest in. And Its confusing because I had only lived with her for a year, she was in the army and she was gone a lot so we werenʼt that close, but I cant move on. Anyway, I am 19 now and I plan to retrieve those photos and visit my dad and show him so he can see my pain. And as for the photos, I am a tough woman and I know seeing them will make me cry, but I would get it over with and finish grieving than spend the rest of my life holding on. PLEASE HELP AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?

Dear Sherell,

You have been down a road that is both painful and hard. And for that I am sorry. But you seem to have incredible inner strength and a very great family support from your grandparents, which is so important.

Are you doing the right thing by wanting to see those pictures? I think so. And I will explain, but the second part of the question: are you doing the right thing confronting your father with them? I am not so sure.

I think if you were to confront your father, you have already played out in your head how that would go, and if you didn’t receive that image in real life that it could seriously harm your mental health. So I would caution you to not do that, and let it go. I would also ask that you talk to a mental health professional about the very real and very warranted feelings you have concerning your father and the murder of your mother. I am sure that you are indeed seeing someone in that faction, but in case you have decided not to continue with that kind of support or do not talk about this fantasy (this is a term that seems like it shouldn’t apply here, but it is reference to the visualization of the outcome of this confrontation) I feel it is necessary to bring up.

Now. As for you wanting to see those pictures. I understand whole-heartedly, and I can see how they are holding you back. Many people may not understand, but it is a sense of closure that you need. For some people, the closure they require will be that of finding inner peace and making themselves feel whole again. But for others, a need of cognition is required to make the puzzle complete. And by this, I mean in your situation you need to see the pictures and know what your mother’s pain looked like in order to aptly assign a reaction to it. You do not know in your mind if you are ready to move on because you are a logical type thinker, and you do not know if the action of moving forward or forgiveness is really applicable to the crime that was placed. You need to know the scale of your feelings before you can validate catharsis. Which to me makes total sense. Even looking at the premise of having a logical mind make sense. Looking a the sheer definition of Logic:

1. Of, relating to, in accordance with, or of the nature of logic.

2. Based on earlier or otherwise known statements, events, or conditions; reasonable.

3. Reasoning or capable of reasoning in a clear and consistent manner.

But the main thing is that you need to see for yourself what happened in order to close the unknown. That will make your reasoning skills develop the reason to heal. It will be hard, painful, and you may be out of commission for a little while because the imagery will be haunting and very likely gory. And that is something a person doesn’t ever recover from. But for you, for your type of personality, you need this scar to heal. And no, that doesn’t make you freakish or cruel. It is the type of mind you have, a logical one, and you will be able to gain strength from this and move on.

What ever you choose, please be sure that you let your grandparents in on your intentions and let them support you. You will need that support if you make the choice to see the photos, as I am sure that it will devastate you. So let them in, and anyone else who is of support, you need it.

I hope that you can move forwards from this, and that you will be able to live the life I am sure your mother would love you to lead. A happy, safe and caring one.

Take care of yourself.

~Xmichra~

Aunt Babz Said…

Dear Sherell,

I am in the middle of moving but felt the need to speak to you on this. I’ve not had the chance to read what Xmichra has said to you but I trust her judgment and hopefully I don’t repeat what she has said.

I can surely understand your curiosity, in wanting to see those pictures. In your mind you are still searching for answers, a sense of closure to a tragic situation. I simply can not fathom how I would feel if this happened to me. I still extend my condolences.

It is crystal clear to me that you have not closed the Chapter on your Mothers demise. I would imagine, I would have difficulty with it myself.

I’m sorry but I feel there are no answers in your looking at those awful pictures. While you may be extremely curious, it will serve no purpose to see such things. Spare yourself, my Dear, any further pain upon pain.

I would possibly recommend listening to the tapes. It may give you some answers, maybe shed some light on your Mothers situation. To hear her voice again may as well be comforting. You have not said what you believe are on those tapes except that they are an audio diary. It may lend some understanding, it may very well lend to your closure.

More importantly, if your Dad did all this to your Mom, it is doubtful that your pain will impact him as you would like. No, I think it will throw fuel on your fire and make things worse. Why? Because right now, your mind is trying to heal. One gift God does give us is the ability to heal in the sense that we often remember the good over the bad when it comes to someone dying, especially a loved one. By looking at those pictures, you will be left with that vision in your head instead of the ones you now embrace.

Yes, our brains kind of take Poloroid pics of situations, times, scenarios, you know, still shots of people, places and things. Rarely do we have a moving picture of an event. It normally is in still shots. Right now, I’d like you to look within yourself, in your memory archives and tell me and yourself, what pictures are there of your Mother? I’ll betcha there are some from the last time you saw her, some from different events in your life and a few from your childhood. It is them that you need to hold on to, hold onto them for dear life. Please don’t cloud those images that lay dormant within you with things that your mind may not be able to handle.

See, I consider myself an extremely strong woman. I’ve seen more than most and heard the battle cry. I’ve watched as those around me were killed. I thought I was handling it all. But I wasn’t. It was coming out sideways, in weird ways. Just in example, when my Father died, I thought I was dealing but I wasn’t. One day, I noticed a ring on my neck. Having a medical background I immediately thought it was ringworm. I went to our family Doctor. There I was in the hospital gown, open in the back. As the good Doctor began his examination, he went to my back and was going to listen to my lungs. I felt him open my gown a bit. He walked over and got a hand mirror, had me stand and told me to look at my back. There were rings all up and down my spine, some on the sides. It was the oddest thing I’d ever seen. He immediately knew what it was; Neurodermitis or as it is sometimes referred to as Neurodermatosis. It is brought on by trauma, a psychosomatic illness.

Long story short, I was not dealing. On the outside, I was as cool as a cucumber in all situations but as the years would unfold, I began to notice things, especially of feeling like I was, “On Point,” again, on high alert. Ultimately I would be diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with HyperVigilance. It is and was all to real.

Don’t do this to yourself. Spare yourself more pain than your mind can endure. I would love to see you embrace the good memories of your Mother. You know she could be particular and she would not want you to see her like this.
Heed these words.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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100% Ownership

In BF Fights, BF Problems, Teen Advice, Teen Issues, Update, Xmichra on February 25, 2008 at 2:00 pm

This is an Update from;

Ones Own Trap???

Dear Aunt Babz & Xmichra,

Your advice helped some but when you said that is sounds like we were really close, i mean, we still are really close. We practically do everything together, and i definitely understand that everyone fights or thinks poorly of one another for short periods of time as you said, and thats a good thing to keep in mind i guess. Hopefully this feeling about her will go away. Also, when you said that when i thought she was being a bitch she may have just been joking, but its not like that at all, im positive. And most of the time its not that she’s being a bitch to me. I just dont like the attitude she has for others. Someone will bump into her on accident in the street and she will go out of her way to make a scene like the person did it on purpose. That kind of stuff actually makes me embarrassed to be with her. Ive made some pretty horrible decisions in my life, but believe it or not, i consider myself to be a really good person. And when she went out with the guy i liked, it wasnt that she took the chance and i didnt. She didnt even know him but i had told her about him, and he ended up being a jerk so she started talking to him to supposedly tell him off, but then she ended up going on a date with him behind my back. I never made a big deal out of it, but i think it really bothered me, i just didnt know it, or show it. I think i have always felt like she was better than me maybe, (for one, ive never had a boyfriend and she goes out with a guy that i liked!?) and wanted to prove that i was better in a way, and maybe that’s why i did what i did. And when i did it, i just told myself, well she has done something behind my back too. I know now that it was dumb to think that, but i couldn’t help it, its just how i felt. Also, i understand that she may be trying to make it clear how in love her and her boyfriend are. That definitely makes sense, but she knows i know, and she knows im not interested or anything like that. Bleh!..I just wish that i had a boyfriend, and i really just wish our friendship was like it was before there was all this boy drama.

Dear Rachel,

It somewhat concerns me that the “solution” you see is if you had a boyfriend then all of this would go away.

I understand that if you had a boyfriend then maybe your friend would ease up on you with talking about her guy all day long. Or maybe you think that if you had a boyfriend you just wouldn’t care. But I assure you, that is not the problem or the answer.

This is an issue that you have to deal with on your own, because it is your feelings on all this.

I think you are a good person, and I think that what you did (making out with your friends boy) has made you realize that you can’t do that to people no matter the reasons. And I think that is a lesson you will carry forwards in your life.

Given what you have written back, I honestly don’t think that you can handle any more of her antics. What I mean is that you are sick of her attitude with other people. Take for instance the person who bumped into her on the street…. Why didn’t you say something then? Very childish behavior, and that won’t ever get better if you let her get away with it. And for you not to say anything makes it evident to her that you accept the behavior and condone it. Probably not the truth at all. Right? So say something when that stuff happens… my boss (who is way up the food chain in the corporation) likes to say on conference calls “silence is consensus” which means: if you don’t speak up, then you are agreeing with the actions/words of the others you are with.

Also, in regards to her dating this other guy behind your back… was it one date? I only ask because in all reality when people start getting mad at one another a natural chemistry happens. Which sounds really stupid (and it really is) but anger is one of the most common emotions that bond people together. You can absolutely hate someone going into a conversation, but from the heat of words you can see another side of a person… and that sometimes makes for a good relationship starter. It’s a psychological progression from wielding your weapon (your anger and words and psyche) to healing an unwitting target (like saying something above the context which you can see hurting the person, feeling badly for it, and finding common ground to respectfully argue). I am not saying that this is what happened, but it is not beyond reality, it is very common. Still, the point on if it was only one date… if it was, then I would pretty much bank on the above having happened because generally when one feels like they have wounded another they feel compelled to be friends or pay them back. And that feeling fades after whatever “payment” has been replenished (and in that instance it would be an outing). So think about that.

And you have to work on your self-esteem girl. If you are constantly thinking that your friend is diggin’ at you because you are not “worthy” then you will have a lifetime of hurt. You need to figure out that you are good all on your own. You don’t need to prove that to her or to anyone else. And you need to remember that the proof you require is in the respect of yourself. Not by doggin’ on your friends boy. As you can see, that just made things worse for everyone involved.

You do not need another person to validate your worth. You do not need to make yourself a target. And you can ALWAYS “help” what you do. What you choose to do is 100% your own, and you cannot place that blame on anyone else. How you feel doesn’t have to manifest into malice. You are better then that. So live better then that.

As for you and your friend… unfortunately I think you will just have to ride it out. And if she gets more malicious then I would sever ties with her. You two are close, but at what lengths are you willing to stay unhappy??? This has to be a moving on point for you. You and she have been terrible towards each other, and you know this. And now you will learn and move on. And if she doesn’t want to take that journey with you, then you have to do it alone. Jealousy and bottling up feelings will only make this worse and you are more likely to repeat your previous behavior if provoked. So don’t let that happen. Be the good person you know you are.

~~*Xmichra~~

▶ Comment

On Front Street

In Prostitution, Runaway, Teen Issues, Teen Problems on February 22, 2008 at 3:15 pm

Stop Right There; If you are under 18, you may want to get permission to read this!!!

Hey Aunt B,

I really want to move to Beverly Hills CA but my parents don’t i hate living in england so much. I had to move school a few months ago because i was getting bullied the main reason why i want to move is because Beverly Hills is so glamorous, sunny and the schools there seem so much better then in England. Sometimes i feel like because my mum and dad don’t want to move there i should just run away and go there on my own, but its not as easy as that. My dream is to become an actress i love doing performing arts in school and i can imagine myself behind a camera. what should i do i know that if i move to Beverly Hills then i can pursue my dreams but my mum and dad don’t want to. please help me what should i do? x

Dear X,

Far be it from me to try to burst your bubble as I do enjoy your vim and vigor and your clear cut case of drive. I respect your dream, as well. Mark my words though; You must think things through entirely, all the days of your life, in every situation, especially this one. Imagine you are watching a video tape of your life and your decisions and try to see the end of that movie.

Here in America, many girls have the same dream of fame and fortune. Very few make it. I don’t know how old you are but before you do something you’ll regret, I’m going to put it all out there for you. We call it putting it all on Front Street. That means I am going to be blunt and tell you like it is.

We’ll start at the beginning of this hypothetical tape, this movie of your life;

I don’t know any parent who would/could simply pick up and move across the Sea, to sunny California, simply because their child asks them to. So, put away that resentment towards your parents for not accommodating you. It costs a lot of money to move across town much less across the Atlantic Ocean or wherever. There’s a lot of paperwork involved as well, Visa’s etc.,They’d have to have a lot of “disposable” income, just for starters. They’d have to have jobs set up, a home purchased and Real Estate in California is extremely expensive.
So, you decide to run away? How will you get to America? Plane? That costs at least $800 to $1000. Where will you get that kind of money?
Assuming you somehow make it to Cali, where will you live? With what money will you buy your daily food, even if it’s one meal a day?
Oh, so you say you’ll get a job? Well, I don’t know how old you are but in the States, you usually have to have your parents signature on the Work Permit.
Read what it says, on the California Labor Laws site. about your required education, too; Almost all minors under the age of 18 are subject to California’s child labor protections. Under the California Labor Code, “minor” is defined as any person under the age of 18 years required to attend school under the provisions of the Education Code, and any person under age six. “Dropouts” are subject to California’s compulsory education laws, and thus are subject to all state child labor law requirements. Emancipated minors, while subject to all California’s child labor laws, may apply for a work permit without their parents’ permission.

X, I could go on and on. The problem here is I would do you a great disservice, if I encouraged you to follow through with this idea. Furthermore, I would hate for you to end up a statistic, here in the States or even in England, on girls who runaway and end up abused, addicted to drugs and this happens here as well as England and the rest of the world. They didn’t think it through. They were not as smart as you and didn’t seek counsel, opinion or understanding.

When I write for this Advice Column, I not only write to you personally but I hope others will read these posts. It is my wish for young people, especially, to possibly learn from my own mistakes, from my out and out stupidity. Yes, I was a… “Know-it-All” and you could not tell me a thing. Nope, I had to learn all things the hard way. Then, when I was backed into a corner, a corner that I most likely placed myself in, I felt, often times that I had no choice. But if I learned nothing else in my 49 years is that we have a choice in every single flippin situation. The problem is that we are too impulsive, we jump and we don’t think things through. We don’t play that tape, that glimpse of our life and what the outcome of our actions will be.

Don’t be a Know-it-All, like I was. Every day, here in America and abroad, girls and guys alike, run away from home, in search of a better life. They never looked at the bigger picture. They were not mature enough to be able to see things as they really are. What I mean by this is that quite often we think we have it real bad at home. Sometimes, this is true. For those that are oppressed by bad parents and are in abusive, neglected, alcoholic, drug addicted homes, it is almost understandable to not want to live in those conditions. God help them.

We get sick of our parents hounding us, sick of being under their rule and hearing such things as, “As long as you live under this roof, you will follow the rules of this house.” We think they’re just being mean and treating us like we are mindless kids. They tell us when to go to bed, what to eat, who we can hang around with and who we can’t. They tell us we have to go to school, when we hate school and feel like those stupid teachers aren’t teaching us anything, really anyway. I can remember thinking that I did not need to learn those stupid fractions, where Uganda is, all about Chemistry, I mean really, when was I going to mix chemicals?

They yell at us cause we’re on the phone too much and because we don’t do our homework and on and on and on. I didn’t think I needed that Sex Education class cause I sure knew how to have sex. I even remember thinking I could teach them a thing or two.

I think having to go to school was the biggest thing I felt I didn’t need. But I did need it and so do you. You’ll need those fractions just to follow a simple recipe. You’ll need to know the effects of chemicals mixed. Yes even those household chemicals like bleach and ammonia have the ability to kill you, if mixed. Unless you want to seem like a back woods idiot, there are certain things in life, things they teach in school, just to be able to hold an intelligent conversation and to understand what is being said.

And remember me saying I could teach those Sex Educators a thing or two? Well, it is a bit painful to admit but even at the age of 15, when I thought I knew it all, I didn’t. My Step-Mom was on Birth Control. When you take those pills everyday, they give you 30-31 pills to take. There are 7 that are either sugar pills or a low dose of estrogen. They give you those, quite often to keep you in the habit of taking them or to to keep that dose in your system. Normally, you go on your period for those 7- days. Anyway, like an idiot, I saw they were in the linen closet and decided to take one, for a Friday night outing. I was going to a party and figured this would cover me from getting pregnant. How stupid. I did this more than a few times and am only fortunate I did not get pregnant.

Oh, but I did not come out of my teen years unscathed. Just in case you don’t read the link I provided, I’ll tell you that I became pregnant shortly after my 16th Birthday, after running away from home. But I never thought it would happen to me. Sex Education taught us the rudimentary facts of life but we knew it all, ha!

I have to warn you about what happens to girls who run away, go to the Big Apple/ New York City or to Hollywood with an unplanned, not thought out desire to make it big in show biz…a life of Drugs, Stripping and Prostitution. More often than not, they are led to take care of themselves the only way their unskilled, unschooled, unplanned selves can. You’d be surprised what you might consider doing when you are on the street and hungry!

A job at McDonald’s is not going to pay your rent, utilities or food. You have nothing to offer the corporate world and that’s the only kind of job you may be lucky enough to get. In case you didn’t know it, there is stiff competition out there these days. People with High School Diplomas are even having a hard time getting a good paying job. You’ll see people with a college degree finding it difficult to find placement because somebody who had better scores on their SAT’s will be considered first.

Yep, to make ends meet so they don’t have to sleep on the street, these girls either hook up with some pimp who preys on their vulnerable situation, namely being on the street and he puts them to work. Oh sure, he’ll give you a nice warm place to lay your weary self down at night but you can bet you’ll be bringing in the money and handing it to him. If you are lucky, he’ll buy you a nice outfit, so you’ll be a better package on the street. It’s cold outside but you are walking those mean streets. You’ll be wondering why you ever left the comfort of your home, where there were people who actually really loved you. You’ll wish you could be where people love you for you and not just want you for your body.

Many Firsts

Then one day you look in the mirror at someone who’s aged beyond their years because they lived a rough life. You won’t have any more tears left to cry. You’ll be able to understand better than most, just how and why an addict is born; It shuts up the pain. That pain, you brought upon yourself. That addiction, yes, you developed it, first to possibly give you the courage to go out and have sex with a perfect stranger. Yes, you instantly got that courage from a bottle of liquor, that first swig you needed that very first time, you had to take your clothes off in front of howling men hoping they will stick a $1 in your G-String. You do it all just so you had an accumulated bunch of $1 bills to pay the rent for a grimy apartment on the bad side of town.

Or you can stay put, nice and warm with your clothes on, get your education, get a part-time job, save the money, put it aside and work towards your dream. Plan it, be safe and don’t become a statistic.

Meet Mrs. Know It All; How to Screw Up Your Life

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

PS, Please make sure you read what Xmichra has personally written to you. It’s excellent advice. Chow!

Dear X,

First, I would like to tell you this: DO NOT RUN. Running will never solve your problems, and most certainly will make them 100% worse.

Second: I can understand that you have a dream to pursue, but your parents are trying to be the best parents they can be. They moved you from one school for your own protection and mental health. That should be evidence to you that they love you and would be so tremendously hurt if you were to defy them and choose to move whole countries away from them without looking at solutions in your own home.

Thirdly: what I mean by the above, is that there are plenty of great acting studios, colleges, universities in your area that are world renown AND within your cost of living. Both of which you are NOT guaranteed if you were to move to Hollywood.

Hollywood does seem glamorous, but for the most part it is all a farce. There are thousands of actors and actress wannabe’s there just dying for their “lucky break”, and plenty of those people do unspeakable things (like staring in pornography, taking elicit pictures of themselves, or dealing drugs) just to try and make connections and get known. And not saying that you would do this… but what the heck would you do?? Work at a diner somewhere for minimum wage? Try to live in economized housing or shared living where you are not in the best of environment and need that dinner job just to pay the rent? Then not being able to go to auditions because you have to work? Or worse getting turned down for auditions because you haven’t been schooled?

This has the potential to be the biggest mistake in your entire life. So why risk that? Especially when England has SOOOO much to offer!! Look at this:

http://east15.ac.uk/

http://www.lipa.ac.uk/standard/index.htm

http://www.drama.ac.uk/

http://www.oldvic.ac.uk/

http://www.spa.ex.ac.uk/drama/welcome.shtml

http://www.gsmd.ac.uk/

http://www1.rhbnc.ac.uk/drama/

http://www.act-up.co.uk/

http://www.physicaltheatre.com/main/index.asp

http://actorspace.co.uk/

http://www.mountview.ac.uk/

Those are just eleven of the schools that I found, and they vary in location (London, Bromley by Bow, Birmingham, Lavander Hill, London, Surrey, Exeter, Bristol, Liverpool). And there are hundreds of English actors who have worked their way into the “Hollywood scene” just by being good a their craft. Examples??

Hugh Grant : Won a scholarship to New College, Oxford. He studied English Literature and graduated with upper second-class honors degree. He made his acting debut from and Oxford financed play – “Privileged” and his first big movie was BRITISH not American. He stared in Four Weddings and a Funeral which gave him instant star status.

Orlando Bloom – wasn’t all that great in school (he had dyslexia) so his mother encouraged him to move to London and pursue his strength: acting. He followed a two year A level course in Drama, photography and sculpture at Fine Arts College, Hampstead. Then he joined the National Youth theatre and earned a scholarship to train at the British American Drama Academy. He acted on tv shows in England and then went to Guildhall School of Music and Drama (England) to study acting. After TWO DAYS of graduating from there, he was cast as Legolas in Lord of the Rings, which made Orlando a huge success and a household name (never mind all the awards and fan clubs and what have you).

Want more examples??? There are THOUSANDS:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:English_actors

So, I guess if I were to advise you I would say do your research to follow your dreams. You can have the best of intentions, but if you are not smart about your choices your dreams can fade quickly and you will be left with an emptiness you have never felt. There are plenty of great resources that you can harness, and one of those would be through your own school. Join a drama class. Make your dream happen. But do not think for one second that a fairy with a magic wand just puts these people where they are… it is all earned. And you will have to earn it too.

Good luck to you, and I hope to see you on the big screen one day

~Xmichra.

▶ Comment

On Front Street

In Prostitution, Runaway, Teen Issues, Teen Problems on February 22, 2008 at 3:15 pm

Stop Right There; If you are under 18, you may want to get permission to read this!!!

Hey Aunt B,

Dear X,

We’ll start at the beginning of this hypothetical tape, this movie of your life;

I don’t know any parent who would/could simply pick up and move across the Sea, to sunny California, simply because their child asks them to. So, put away that resentment towards your parents for not accommodating you. It costs a lot of money to move across town much less across the Atlantic Ocean or wherever. There’s a lot of paperwork involved as well, Visa’s etc.,They’d have to have a lot of “disposable” income, just for starters. They’d have to have jobs set up, a home purchased and Real Estate in California is extremely expensive.
So, you decide to run away? How will you get to America? Plane? That costs at least $800 to $1000. Where will you get that kind of money?
Assuming you somehow make it to Cali, where will you live? With what money will you buy your daily food, even if it’s one meal a day?
Oh, so you say you’ll get a job? Well, I don’t know how old you are but in the States, you usually have to have your parents signature on the Work Permit.
Read what it says, on the California Labor Laws site. about your required education, too; Almost all minors under the age of 18 are subject to California’s child labor protections. Under the California Labor Code, “minor” is defined as any person under the age of 18 years required to attend school under the provisions of the Education Code, and any person under age six. “Dropouts” are subject to California’s compulsory education laws, and thus are subject to all state child labor law requirements. Emancipated minors, while subject to all California’s child labor laws, may apply for a work permit without their parents’ permission.

Many Firsts

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

PS, Please make sure you read what Xmichra has personally written to you. It’s excellent advice. Chow!

Dear X,

First, I would like to tell you this: DO NOT RUN. Running will never solve your problems, and most certainly will make them 100% worse.

This has the potential to be the biggest mistake in your entire life. So why risk that? Especially when England has SOOOO much to offer!! Look at this:

http://east15.ac.uk/

http://www.lipa.ac.uk/standard/index.htm

http://www.drama.ac.uk/

http://www.oldvic.ac.uk/

http://www.spa.ex.ac.uk/drama/welcome.shtml

http://www.gsmd.ac.uk/

http://www1.rhbnc.ac.uk/drama/

http://www.act-up.co.uk/

http://www.physicaltheatre.com/main/index.asp

http://actorspace.co.uk/

http://www.mountview.ac.uk/

Want more examples??? There are THOUSANDS:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:English_actors

Good luck to you, and I hope to see you on the big screen one day

~Xmichra.

▶ Comment

I Will Be Gone

In Uncategorized on February 22, 2008 at 12:38 pm

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.
(Did you notice the rhyme? hehehe)
♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·’ ¤~ {“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

▶ Comment

Right to Happiness

In Being Assertive, Gay Issues, Relationship Issues, Riddle Me This, Right to Happiness on February 22, 2008 at 12:13 pm

This is a new letter, an Update from this question posted as;

What’s The Real Deal

Dear Aunt Babz,

I wanted to update you, and possibly get some more advice on this situation (all included below).

Right after Kate and I had the conversation about “what are we?” and she told me that she doesn’t want anything serious and all that, I went out with friends, drank a lot, and ended up making out w/ some girl. The next day, Kate called me wanting to know how my night went and I said that I had drank and did something stupid. She wanted to know what and I told her I made out with some girl. She starting asking if I liked this girl, if the girl was cute, etc. I told her no I didnt like this girl and she was kind of cute. Anyways…
Kate asked me to visit her the following weekend, so I did. Kate and I ended up having sex, sober…Kate initiated it. Now she had been the one all along who said “girls can’t just have sex.”

That was all in early December. Now it’s mid-February and we have still be having sex every two weeks when I go visit her. She brought me to her familys estate for a week and we had a fantastic time together. When we left and she went back to her hometown and I went back to mine (in separate states), she wouldnt talk to me for four days. And when she finally did get in touch w/ me, she was annoyed that I was upset that she hadn’t talked to me. I had never asked what was going on or anything, i just had sent her a text during those four days asking how she was (because she had been really stressed w/ work). She said “we aren’t girlfriends and I dont have to answer to you.” I told her that i had just been asking how she was because i care about her. i then told her that im emotionally invested and i wanted to know if she felt the same. she called me the next day and told me that she does not want a girlfriend. she said she doesnt want to have to answer to anyone. blah blah blah. she never said whether or not she has feelings for me.

here’s the kicker tho…

my mom works for the airlines and has put both kate and her cousin on her flight benefits list, so they can fly for next to nothing now. i sort of feel like maybe kate is stringing me along in order to use these benefits…?

but she still wants to have sex with me, and she still wants to hang out and have me come visit her.

but i feel like im maybe being used.

and ive fallen in love with her, so it hurts.

i even bought her aretha franklin concert tickets because thats her dream concert. i didnt tell her what the tickets were for, except that they are on valentines day. before i bought the tickets i asked her to be sure that she was free on the days around and on valentines day. she agreed. but now that i bought the tickets and all of the above happened w/ me telling her how i feel about her, she suddenly is saying she has to work on that night. but she says i can come visit the day after if i want. she wants me to come there to go out to clubs and have sex with me. but no strings attached of course.

it all is so painful. and i really care about her and its so hard to walk away from all of this. i dont want to be the bad guy and tell her she cant fly on my moms benefits anymore. i dont want to lose her completely. i would still like to salvage a friendship, but i have no idea how to begin. if i visit her, ill be expected to sleep in bed with her, have sex with her, hold her, etc. but it hurts to bad to do that if i know she doesn’t love me back. does that make sense?

where do i go from here? im in pain and im so confused.
what should i do?

thanks so much

-megan

Dear Megan,

I would welcome you to read, again, the post written to you, prior to this. It still applies to this situation. You’ve just not incorporated it into your systems thinking.

I dare say, this is not a functional relationship. In all this time, it does not seem as if that relationship has grown, really. She may be giving you a few more times together but you seem just as perplexed and confused as you were before.

The key here, the thing to realize is that we can not make others feel the emotions we want them to have. The only control we have in any relationship is to draw a line in the sand and state what we will and will not allow in that relationship. Even if it is only a mental note, to ourselves, we must ask ourselves if we are happy in a stagnated situation? Are you happy? I think not or you’d not be writing me, huh?

Thus far we can accumulate a slew of situations and scenarios that are not ideal, not conducive to your happiness, right? You must make a mental list of those things that you are not happy with. Then, you must ask yourself if you would be afforded any change if you were to mention them? Somehow, I do not believe that your girlfriend would accommodate you in that change. Why? Because I don’t think she wants to give you more than this. She has chosen to behave this way and you have allowed her.

Now, I am not implying you are some kind of imbecile that has allowed someone to walk all over you. It couldn’t be further from the truth. What I am stating is that I believe you have bent your own personal “rules” your boundaries concerning what you will allow. Yes, I believe you have bent to near breaking.

I think it all comes down to what you will allow to happen in this relationship? Let me remind you that you have a Right to Happiness. You must begin to exercise this right. You must ask yourself what it will take to make you happy. It is important for you to set some semblance of a goal as to where you expect this relationship to go. Then, you must ask yourself, with brutal honesty; Will it ever culminate, propagate or most of all be a fruitful situation?

You wrote me approximately 3 months ago. How have things changed since then? Have they changed at all and if they did, how did it come about? What I mean is, the thinking behind the scenario. Did your girlfriend do anything differently? Did you say anything that brought about a change? If there was any change at all? Once again, ask yourself, did you bend to make her happy? Did you over look your happiness or even your definition or rules of happiness?

As Janet says, “What have you done for me lately?” Is this a one sided relationship? Right now you are saying, “No, she does stuff for me!” But what I mean is is she as giving in this relationship as you are or is she simply calling the shots, playing the cards as she wants to play them, her rules, her card table and you just follow suit?

Riddle Me This? Since you are not happy as things stand, do you think things will ever change, if and when you mention the fact that you need more? If you can not find it within yourself to speak to her, thinking you’ll not get the desired response, I do believe this answers your question?

▶ Comment

Moving Time; Delays

In Uncategorized on February 21, 2008 at 2:25 pm

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

Yes, traffic is a bit backed up and we will get to your letters ASAP!

(Did you notice the rhyme? hehehe)

♥´¨)

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)

(¸.·´ (¸.·’ ¤~ {“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

▶ Comment

Quality Not Quantity

In Fair is Fair, Life is not Fair, Parenting Advice, Quality not Quantity, Weighing Things Out on February 21, 2008 at 2:12 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have been married for 1½ years. My husband and I both have ex’s and

children from those relationships. We have a 6-month-old baby.

My husbands’ ex-wife recently relocated 45 miles away from our home. They could not agree on parenting time and school district so they went to court, the judge ordered for the ex-wife to keep the kids for school and my husband would have them for the summer, this decreased his parenting time from 182 days to 120 days/year. He is devastated by this change and cannot live with it. I recently found out that he has been looking for a place to rent in the city where his kids were relocated. I asked him about it and he said that I wouldn’t go with him anyway because my kids are here with us. I agreed that I would not want to leave my children but that he was not losing his kids completely; he still has them on the weekends during the school year and all school breaks, including the summer. I tried to tell him if that were me in the same situation I would appeal the decision, but I would continue to stay home because they are not really that far away and we both work in the city of relocation and could see them any day. Neither of us know what to do from this point, I am extremely hurt that he would just up and leave his new family over this. Any advice would be awesome!

Dear Reader,

Good grief do I feel for you. I mean anything you say will look like you are being selfish and not understanding. But I do not believe this is how it is I do think you care and as well you are looking at things from all angles.

I mean I don’t have the entire story but enough to deduce that Dad is extremely caring. In this day and age that is not rare but you see so many dead beat Dad’s, now don’t we? So, it is a breath of fresh air, when you hear of a Dad that would go to such great lengths. But is he really thinking this through?

This whole situation is not a win/win one, now is it? The best you can hope for is some form of compromise and fresh perspective. I do give Dad credit for his purpose and drive to be or have more time with his children. As well, I can completely understand your questions concerning that drive?

I would hope you could somehow share this letter with him. There’s no harm here as I do not know you nor will I ever, right? It’s not airing your dirty laundry to a girlfriend or co-worker in fact this is safer. You are simply asking for opinion. Maybe even a fresh pair of eyes and ears right?

It all comes down to the power of deducement on “our” parts. I have a few questions and a few observations to offer…

Dad,

A few simply questions; I would ask you, if your motive for going way out in left field and possibly renting an apartment is only and solely so you may spend more time with your children?

For lack of a better way or more diplomatic way of asking this, are you pissed because your ex wife was awarded what appears to be more actual custody? If you’ve dug in deep, in all honesty, you may see this? I don’t know? I may be wrong? Either way your fatherhood looks exemplary and that is surely not in question.

If we do the math, just as you’ve done in your letter, “this decreased his parenting time from 182 days to 120 days/year” we see that as always, there are ways of seeing things in a different light. As you try to regain some of those hours by moving closer and purchasing/renting another apartment, you must realize that whilst filling those hours, bridging that gap, your family, your current family and children will most certainly fall in the category of casualty in this war. It’s just a natural fact that while you are gone, with travel time and so forth, your baby is left behind, your wife, yes the one you married, now, as in present and not past tense, will be without you as well.

It boils down to “Quality not Quantity,” my friend. Remember this, please?

Dear Erica,

Wow. I don’t know how to answer this one. I mean, on the one hand it seems like a no brainer, he made his choices (separating from his ex, marrying you and having another child… so this I would qualify as “moving on”) so he should live with his choices and like you said, appeal.

But on the other hand… those are his kids. And as sure as you are about not wanting to move away from your children, even if you could make a day trip… he is reacting the same way.

So it’s hard to actually find what the best solution would be. Especially since so many people have less sympathy for the father in these cases… and because there are other elements involved.

So instead of spouting off what I think would be the best thing (which I couldn’t do anyways) I think I will ask you this: what do you think will happen if he stays and doesn’t move? You said that he is devastated and cannot live with the decision that was made. Maybe this looking for an apartment thing is somewhat like temporary insanity, where he is looking at just being closer to his kids at any cost without really looking at the bigger picture. Maybe he didn’t think that the picture would involve his kids moving away from him. Maybe he thought that his moving on wouldn’t affect his life that much because his kids would still be near him. And maybe he is ready to snap.

Is there no way that you and your kids could move to the city as well? You didn’t mention your custody situation so I thought that I would ask. But maybe that would be the solution you need, since it keeps all the family together.

I don’t think that he is thinking clearly though. I know that you referenced yourself as the new family… but that is also pretty unfair. Both to you and him. His children are still his children regardless of who he is partnered with. And you aren’t the new wife, you are his wife and partner and that deems more respect then a title of new.

Honestly I think you need to seek out a therapist to help you through this. You are hurt (and rightfully so) but so is he. And sometimes when it comes to our kids we do crazy things and go to crazy lengths to be with them. And maybe it won’t work out. But if you want a shot at it you both need to talk about it and to both make compromises. After all, if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak, could you do the same?

I hope that there is a solution for you two and everyone involved. And I hope babs maybe can answer a little better!!

Take care, and I hope things work out for you.

~Xmichra

▶ Comment

Ones Own Trap???

In BF Fights, Best Friends, High School Seniors, Xmichra on February 17, 2008 at 2:02 pm

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·’ ¤~ {“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Dear Aunt B,

(this might be long) My friend and I have been best friends since the first grade and are now in our senior year of high school. We have been through A LOT of fights but they were mostly small fights that we get over in a day. We are so close that we act like sisters and it feels that way sometimes, but other times i can’t stand her. She can be a rude, self-centered, spoiled bitch. First however, i have to tell you, we both haven’t been good friends to each other. She went out with a guy that i had a huge thing for. Then, last year i made out with the guy that she really liked behind her back. She never knew and they started going out, then it happened again. So basically he cheated on her with me, but all we did was kiss, which is still bad. Anyway, this was all a big secret until this past summer when i spilled the beans out of guilt. She was obviously extremely upset but she managed to forgive the both of us somehow. Her forgiving me really made me love her more, but now I find myself hating her. She has actually always pretty much been like this, and im pretty much the only one who would put up with her, but now i dont know if i want to anymore. I feel so dumb sayin this about her when im the one who betrayed her, but i cant help it. One of the things that bothers me so much is that ALL she talks about is her boyfriend! The one that cheated on her with me! I dont want to hear about her dumb ass boyfriend! He’s an idiot! I even tell her that she talks about him all the time and she still does it. I could probably go on and on about all the little things she does that bug me but ill just sum it up now and ask what do i do? I really hate drama so I don’t really want to say ‘ i do not wish to be your friend any longer’ and have this huge fight and avoid each other at school. But at the same time, i feel so trapped in our friendship. What do you think?

Dear Anonymous,

I think it sounds like you two were really close. But it also sounds like this last act has pulled you two apart.

Even the very best of friends get into fights or think poorly of one another for short periods of time. And that is because ultimately we are all different people, and we all feel differently about things. Take for instance you called her a rude self centered bitch at times. And that may very well be the truth: to you. Maybe she feels like she is joking around when you feel she is being rude. Maybe she feels like if you won’t ask a guy out, that’s your problem, which yes is a little self centered and bitch like. But it’s also going for what you want in life, which isn’t all that bad either (unless it is to be purposefully vindictive, then that’s horrid. But that’s a different point).

But this last act here. Where you have done something that she has had to either forgive or forget… well I don’t think that she has and neither have you.

She wants to make it clear to you how in love her and her boy are, and how well they are doing despite his big huge horrible mistake with you. And that is how she will go on about that. She is marking her territory because she is afraid of the predator, which in this case is you.

You can’t stand this because in the back of your head you think that you could steal this guy. Admit it. You think that the best reality check in the world for your girlfriend here would be to see this guy for what he really is, and to put her in place. This is what is pissing you off. That is quite apparent from what you have written. And if you think at all that this guy is an idiot and a jerk, and you do feel like your friend is better off without him, it might be more tempting to do something about it.

So no wonder you feel trapped. Of course it is a trap you have made for yourself, but it doesn’t mean that you have to live in it.

Distance yourself a little bit from her. Do something to which you know she wouldn’t have the time for (like a Friday night aerobics class for example. She won’t want to give up her date night). Then about two weeks of that, grab another class after school (say you want to stick to the program and the instructor had a spot open on Tuesdays for an example) Just gradually keep getting involved with things that do not require her to be present. And she will fill her time with this boy I am sure. And either they will break up and you two will be fine, or they will stay together and it won’t matter because you have other things to do and have preoccupied your time.

If a fight roles out from it, it will look juvenile on her part to have bitched you out because all you are doing is living your life – you never put a wedge between the two of you.

Basically what has happened is the consequence of actions. And now you need to do what you can to live your life, and learn from this. Keeping secrets and betraying friends is far more costly to you and your life the being honest and staying true. So learn that lesson, but move on. You still deserve the best life you can give yourself.

Take care, and good luck.

~Xmichra.

▶ Comment

Let Mz. Karma Bitchslap Do Her Job

In Abusive Relationships, Addiction, Advice, Affairs of the Heart, All About Depression, Anger Management, Arguements, Assertive Bitch, Assertive Practices, Audio Post, Aunt Babz, Aunt Babz Bitch Belt, Aunt Babz Commentary, Aunt Babz Expose', Chlamydia, Chlamydia Signs & Symptoms, Karma, Karma's A Bitch, My Podcast, Mz.Karma Bitchslap, Profanity Post, Revenge, Shooting, The Last Beating, Time Bomb, Unprotected Sex on February 17, 2008 at 1:57 pm

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Let Mz.Karma Bitchslap Do Her Job

Dear Aunt Babz,

Mz Babs I’m pissed beyond reasonable thinking. I gave my virginity to an a**hole and when i found out he was an a**hole, I dropped him. that was in may 2007. i haven’t been with anyone since and 8 months later, i find out that f***er gave me chlamydia. im sorry for cursing but I’m trying to shoot him now. I’m on a gun hunt and everything. but I dont wanna get my hands dirty for him no matter how much I feel he deserves to be shot. I dont know what to do all i know is, I seek justice.
Dear Friend,

Good Grief!!! I’d be pissed too. But let me assure you,
Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ will take care of business. You just concern yourself with getting better.

I do so understand your anger but I must let you in on a little secret; Your anger is yours and only you will suffer for it.

When it comes down to it, we’d all like a little Justice, Wild Wild West style, now wouldn’t we? If anybody knows about this, I do and I’ve paid for it every since.

“I know you’re angry, rightfully so but I sure as hell don’t want you to go down the path, I had to go down. I am who I am because of it, good and bad.”

Yes, I shot my, then boyfriend. He’d beaten me so badly I was beyond recognizable. It wasn’t the first time either but I assure it was the last. He was jailed, after The Last Beating and then two weeks later, released. He showed up at my door.

To make a long story short, (which I can never do…)he had a friend living with us and he became resentful that he’d been jailed while his buddy stayed at my apartment. This friend of his was paying to stay there and as a single Mom, I needed that money, so why would I throw this guy out for no good reason?

But it had been painfully brainwashed/instilled in me, that whenever my boyfriend/husband was told to leave, get out, he would beat the snot out of me. So, when he showed up at my door, after his release, I was not, could not tell him to get out.

Friday night came, he was drinking, as usual and he was a nasty drunk. He picked a fight with Jerry, his buddy, who lived with us. He told him to get out and Jerry told him he was not leaving unless I told him to. “After all, isn’t it B’s apartment and doesn’t she pay the bills.” Oh shit, Jerry just slapped my ex’s manhood. He’d have to do something now, huh?

My ex(boyfriend/husband) came into the bedroom, where I was and grabbed the .22 Rifle, fully loaded with 18 rounds. I begged him not to go out there with the gun. I was sitting on a bean bag on the floor, putting my socks on when he threw the gun at me and it hit me across the shins. Scope and all, it was heavy enough to be painful and I saw red.

I went out with the gun, safety on and told him to get out. He looked at me and said, “Whatcha gonna do, you Dirty Bitch, shoot me, huh?” He began to slowly walk towards me. He backed me down the hall. He knew I was a trained Marksman. “Click,” and now the safety was off. I was at the end of the hall and when I had no where else to go, he tried to grab the gun. I had it locked into my shoulder and a shot went off, missing him. When he’d grabbed the gun, at the end of the barrel, he’d hit the spring loading arm/mechanism and all the bullets came flying out…except one which was chambered.

I turned the gun on him and shot him point blank in the stomach. He fell hard, backwards, onto the floor. I remember thinking that he might get up and I grabbed a bullet off the floor and loaded it, holding the gun on him, growling that he’d better not get up(This is what witnesses told the police). As I calmly gave instructions for the other people in the apartment to go call 911, he lay dying, right there in front of me. And as they took him out of the door, he held a bloody hand up and told me, “but I love you.” There was blood everywhere. Jerry helped me clean it up later the next day.

They were 4 minutes from a Trauma Center, right there in Fairfax, Virginia. This is the only reason he lived. He was in ICU for 4 days, cut from sternum to groin, it nicked his liver and his kidney and came out of his back, so close to his spine that his right leg was paralyzed for some time after.

That day, was my best, some would say and the absolute worst day of my life. Yes, he’d beat me over and over and it was a constant just waiting for it. But could I have lived with the fact that I’d killed him? I don’t think so. It’s been hard enough living with the memory of it and him with his bloody hand telling me that he loved me.

I almost went to jail for it, as well. The only reason I didn’t was the fact that I’d filed warrants against him before. In addition to that, the Officer who’d responded the last time and who’d physically taken me to the Hospital, also responded the night I shot my ex. He rallied in my defense, that it was self defense. My ex also thought, because it’d happened so quickly, that the first shot is what got him and it was a result of him grabbing the gun. He gave his statement to that effect that it had been an accident. But it wasn’t an accident and he’d not known it for years to come.

It’s a lot to live with, my friend. Think before you do and let Mz.Karma do her job.
Please???

Then…Listen to this, it explains why I shot him;

Extremely Graphic

The Last Beating Transcription

April 28, 2007 01:30PM

A teaser from my upcoming book.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S., Let this be a lesson to those that might read this, yes, those of you that have unprotected sex. These days, people will look healthy but can be a time bomb. Never assume, someone is disease free. Always use a condom, Always!!!

Chlamydia Signs & Symptoms

1 comments:

▶ Comment

Be That Woman

In Arguements, Be That Woman, Couple Equation, In the Mirror, Nagginess(My New Word), PMS, Read Me Again, Regret on February 17, 2008 at 1:52 pm

Thursday, January 10, 2008

That Woman

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi there, I’m writing to you out of complete frustration. I wonder if you can offer any advice. I have been with a guy for a year now, and we are living together with three other mutual friends from university.

Me and my boyfriend had an argument about 4 days ago now, after a week of me being an utter bitch (I was feeling really unusually rough due to a period of pms).

I am usually an assertive and sometimes touchy/stressed person anyway. This boyfriend of mine has now said that although he loves me he doesn’t want to go out with me anymore because we have had a couple of arguments like this before and then got back together again.

I can completely understand what he is saying but I care about him so much and still feel that we have so much going for each other. This is driving me insane, leaving me crying myself to sleep and waking up crying.He says that he feels exactly the same yet says that I will be unable to change his mind.

I’m just looking for some advice I suppose. Other than that, I am just laying in bed 24 /7 bawling my eyes out and trying to find some other reason for living.

Thank you,

A girl who regrets xx

Dear Regrets,

First let me say, you can never place all your eggs in one basket, in one person. No, you must be whole, within yourself. I do know that it makes no sense, especially now, when you are devastated. But what I mean is that you must be a whole entity, on your own. A fraction of a person, does not equate. Yes, it’s simple mathematics. 1+1 equals 2, not 1/2 plus one. No, this may not make sense, till the end of this…

My advice to you is going to be two fold, two different perspectives and angles. Take from both and blend it. As you read this, only take what applies and look at it all as a whole, ok?

My point is that, first, you must get up, get outa bed and get showered. Then, you must look in the mirror. Look long and hard and assess yourself. Do you think you ran this fella off with your nagginess??? <—(new word, I just made up) If you answered yes, to that question, then you simply need to be aware of it. You need to improve on it, work on holding your tongue, being assertive but not naggy. I don’t think naggy is a word but you get my meaning, right? Always try to put yourself in the other persons place. Always put the shoe on the other foot. What I’m trying to say is that you must look at your behavior, what you say or don’t say, as a woman. Be responsible with your tongue. Now, I’m not accusing you of running this guy off. I’m asking you, if you did? If you did and there’s no return, all you can do is live and learn. If he did leave because of your nagging, your PMS ish behavior, you first need to look at it all, collectively. Then, you improve upon it and most of all forgive yourself. Yes, we must do our very best to live without regret. We must try to realize that all things happen for a reason. Absolutely all things happen for a reason. Crying over spilled milk will get you nothing but puffy eyes. Now, don’t think I am cold hearted or unfeeling. I can tell you are devastated. In your defense, my dear, I must question the very fact that this guy left in the heat of it all. Yep, if ya can’t stand the heat, get the hell outa the kitchen. Maybe, he didn’t have what it takes? Maybe, he’s not the one? Maybe, he needs to question himself and if he used it as an easy out? I place those questions in your lap.

Now, walk with me. We’ll take a walk down the Rite of Passage. It is a path from girl to woman. Remember these words and hold them close;

From this moment on, you will be responsible with your tongue. You will no longer say foolish things. You will think before you speak. You will not be aggressive with your words. You will look at your words before you speak them. You will no longer speak irrationally. If you have nothing mature to say, you will sit quietly. When you do have something to say, you will make your point in an assertive manner. You will always realize that what you have to say is important and not drivel because you’ve left the drivel back at the beginning of this path. You will keep quiet when you have nothing important to say and you will see that it is the girls who run off at the mouth. Yes, the women have noteworthy speech. You will begin to see the difference between the talk of a girl and the speech of a woman. A woman does not nag. No, she calculates her words. She weighs them out and does not speak like a fool. She’ll make her point, only because it is important. Otherwise, she will remain quiet. A woman is responsible for/with her tongue, her language and how she carries herself. You are now this woman .

Let me make it very clear to you that I am not a feminist. I am not “I am woman, hear me roar.” What I am is a woman that believes in equality, in fairness, Just behavior and an assertive stance. I am also a woman who holds her head up and will survive. Yes, I wear a Bitch Belt. That means if I feel I need to say something, come hell or high water, I’m going to say it. But But But, I think before I say something. I stumble and I fall, just as you have. It took me years to get here, to have this understanding. I know my downfall as a girl, it was to run my mouth and I was/had/did idle chatter. Now, pay attention to the talk of girls. They’ll say just about anything and in turn, they’ll be perceived as bimbo ish. Their opinion will not be valued. Men will treat them without respect.

If per chance, this relationship does not work, you will learn from it. You will step away with dignity and a keen sense of wisdom because of it. The next fella that comes your way, will immediately have a sense of respect for you, as he will see the difference.

Hold your head up and be that woman.

Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.

con·ten·tious play_w(“C0599100″)

(kn-tnshs)adj.

1. Given to contention; quarrelsome. See Synonyms at argumentative, belligerent.

2. Involving or likely to cause contention; controversial

vex play_w(“V0080100″)

(vks)

tr.v. vexed, vex·ing, vex·es

1. To annoy, as with petty importunities; bother. See Synonyms at annoy.

2. To cause perplexity in; puzzle.

3. To bring distress or suffering to; plague or afflict.

4. To debate or discuss (a question, for example) at length.

5. To toss about or shake up.

▶ Comment

Never Lose Sight of What is Right

In Aunt Babz, Fear, Gay Family Matters, Gay Issues, Gay Lifestyle, Gayness, Porcelain Confessions, Seek Counseling, Self-Esteem Issues, Small Still Voice, Soulseer, Xmichra on February 17, 2008 at 1:48 pm

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Never Lose Sight of What is Right…

Dear Aunt B,

I am afraid. Afraid of life. I’m a teenager studying in an all boys school and my life is a complete mess. I no longer enjoy the things I used to do because others say it’s only what losers do. I’m afraid of going out with my own family now for fear of being spotted by classmates who are out with friends and being called a loser. The things I used to enjoy like reading, playing video games and playing sports for just fun are now a complete waste of time for me. To add to that, my “friends” keep on teasing and insulting me because I don’t go out with them and they don’t believe my excuses. Why would I, anyway? All they’ll do is drink and smoke while I strive to be free of bad habits. For them, these are what “cool” guys do. Once I did go out with a close friend but all he did was embarrass me. I’m afraid of every school day and the night before for fear that something bad’s gonna happen. I also believe I’m losing my friends and losing my self- esteem. Sometimes, I barely sleep at night for lack of peace at heart. I’m nervous every time I go out by myself and I’m losing self confidence. I don’t have the courage to talk anymore because they’ll just laugh and mock the things I say. I’m suspecting that I’m always gossiped about and backstabbed at school. I think I’m also despised at class because I’m not good in sports, which I think is a very shallow reason. To wrap it all up, I’m not enjoying life. I realize just how young I am and to not enjoy life now would affect my future badly. So please, I pray, help me make my life happy again. I wouldn’t want to jump into any quick and dangerous solutions. Thanks for your help, I will greatly appreciate it.

Respectfully Yours,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You are not designed, to have a **spirit of fear. Remember this.

My answer may seem a bit long winded but I hope you’ll read it, as well as Soulseer and Xmichra’s answers for you.

I like your standards and I think they’re quite commendable. Stand your ground. Never compromise good values and beliefs. If you have to be this way, the rest of your natural born life, never bow to peer pressure. Those that are supposed friends, who act and behave in a manner unbecoming, unworthy of your friendship are exactly that; Unworthy of your friendship!

Stand your ground, even if you have to stand alone. But hold your head up high, unpretentiously. Never have an air of superiority. Let me point out to you, that quite often, those that attack you, most certainly feel beneath you, in one way or another. You must not allow this to take you down. No, in fact, you must allow it to empower you, spur you on to becoming a better person. It all comes down to self esteem. Yes, self esteem, yours, there’s, ours, almost always, factor in as to how you are perceived, how you are treated and so forth.

I can see that you are highly intelligent. You’ve managed to learn, gained some wisdom, early on as to what works and what doesn’t, what’s smart and what’s not so smart.

In all due reality, I more than realize, just how difficult it is, to be your own person. I mean, we all want to be accepted, that’s just a fact. Equally, when we are not, it can and does weigh heavily. More dumb and regrettable crap is done, in the name of peer pressure, than we’d all, ever, care to admit. I did it, you’ve done it but we must choose, to live our lives, by learning from our mistakes. When we choose to learn from those mistakes, they are no longer mistakes but learning experiences. In my journey, I have many and will have many more. As well, you will too. Live and learn, that’s all.

Alone

In the real world, as we walk through our every day life, you will eventually realize that you are alone. You must often stand against the world, in a dilemma, crisis or pain and bear the brunt of it all, virtually alone. Yes, you’ll most likely have a mate, family and friends, to share in some of this but for the most part, you’ll find, it’s just you and you alone. This may sound dismal? But my point is that it is you who must look in the mirror and you must learn to be honest with yourself. It is also you, who must know how to, not fold under pressure.

Answer to no one but yourself and your Higher Power, which I personally choose to call God. Do nothing which goes against your grain. See, I am a firm believer in, what I call the, “Small, Still Voice.” It is your conscience, as some may call it, I believe it is our Spirit, which has been installed to guide us through life. If you begin to pay attention, to this Voice, it will always keep your from harms way. So, when it tells you not to do something, as obviously, it has, you will be spared possibly a painful incident, etc. Once you’ve learned to trust in this Voice and do your very best to live your life in a manner, where you treat others, as you’d want to be treated, life becomes less complicated. Sure, we’ll always go through and be tested, trials and tribulations are ever present but it will make life smoother.

Not everybody plays by the rules. Quite often, in this world, it’s prey or be preyed upon. But I still feel, if a man/woman answers to themselves, they must be able to look in the mirror and have a truthful heart. As well, you must come to grips with the fact that not everybody will see things as you do. Nor will they always embrace your values and beliefs. It takes all kinds to make the world go round. You’ll see people who stay busy at getting over. There are people on the low down, out to scam and take what is not theirs. They want what you have but don’t want to work to get it. You’ll see people who work extremely hard at getting out of work, their lack of a work ethic surely sucks but should I allow it to affect me? No, I won’t and they will never have my respect. Really, this is what it all boils down to; Respect.

People don’t have to like you but you must always command their respect. You will do this by not allowing them to break you, never bow to it. So what if they don’t like you? You can and will live without their approval, unworthy affection or friendship. But I guarantee you, no matter what they say, they will always, secretly respect you because you are not weak, you have principles and you are willing to uphold them.

Most kids that smoke and drink are simply trying to fit in and act adult. I smoke and can still remember my motivation, at 12 years old. Yes, I wanted to be a big girl, a woman. Here I am, 48 years old, a woman with a habit. So, who’s the idiot here? I also drank and smoked pot around that same time. There’s nothing cool about getting wasted, acting promiscuously, acting a fool and ultimately throwing up. What’s cool about that? Not a damn thing and if we could record all the porcelain confessions, the swearing to never drink again, “God if you only get me through this,” it might be amusing but we’d see just how ridiculous it really is.

The sad part, to all this, is that many of your so called friends will go on to have some nasty habits. Many will become Alcoholics. Many will, live in their Parents basement, smoking pot and not really functioning. Some will move on to bigger and better habits. Hopefully, they won’t go to Prison for those habits. Yes, I was in Prison and was incarcerated with many woman, who paid for their habits. From Vehicular Homicide as a result of DUI to selling their daughters for their crack habit, I’ve seen first hand what those supposed innocent habits can bring about.

I want you to really look in the mirror and begin to like/love yourself. I want you to see the young man you have become, an upstanding guy with credibility and morals and never back down from them. Never lose sight of what is right. You stay just the way you are and really take a long hard look at these so called friends. They are not friends, if they are talking behind your back. People that do such things are simply trying to take the emphasis, the eye off themselves. Yes, it is they, who have the problem, the self esteem issues. It is them that have no backbone and are weak. It is them, that will go on to unsavory situations and habits. It will not be you and you just might have an easy life because of it.

I suppose the gigantic point, I’m trying to make here is this;
If you are living right, doing your best, keeping yourself in check by being extremely honest with yourself, you must answer to no one. Always look at constructive criticism but steer clear of the negative people and remember that their opinions mean nothing. Friends come and go, you must gravitate towards those friends, those people who are positive, like yourself. I believe you are basically, a very positive person who has allowed those that are negative, those that are jealous, of your positive outlook. You’ve allowed them to pull you down. Get up, brush yourself off and walk away from the likes of these people. You might not have a friend in the world, for a minute but that won’t last. Besides, you’re going to have a wonderful life, watch and see.
Stand your ground. Be empowered by it. Allow it to impact your life and rise above. I believe in you. Now, you must begin, to believe in you.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

PS, Each and every time, that someone laughs, at you, at something you say, hold your head up high, don’t be condescending but simply smile, as if you are laughing inside. Here are a few choice statements which will always put them in their place;

“I guess you don’t have the intellect to grasp that, huh?”

“And that was real mature, right?”

“I don’t need to get high or smoke to pretend to be a man or to have a good time.”

**2 Tim 1: 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Dear Anonymous,

You have to stay true to yourself spiritually and mentally, just as Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true.”

The biggest thing is, if you don’t have a sense of self, you don’t have anything. A centering of self, is most important.

Kids are cruel, count on it because they’re so confused, as to who they are and they have an insecurity within themselves, a low self esteem which they like to project onto others.

The fact of the matter is that one day all this bulls*** will seem like nothing. In a few years, it won’t mean a thing and you’ll see this. You’ll look back and see just how trivial it all is and was.

You should reach out. If you can go to an elder for guidance, do it. Find some counseling, ask for counseling. You do not have to go through this alone. What you are going through, I went through, as well. I was depressed all the time.

It’s not being weak or stupid to go to an elder or to seek counseling. Actually, it’s a smart thing to do. Anyone that that uses the tools provided him, in life, is smarter, wiser and will be more well equipped to deal and handle life’s calamity’s and so on.

Any time you get to a point where you can’t find the fun, in things that should make you happy, there is something wrong. Act on this advice and go to a guidance counselor. All schools have some sort of Guidance Staff. You simply go to them and ask them to point you in the right direction. Find counseling through them. Then, you purge, you get it all out. Therapists do not have answers but what they do is help you work through all those feelings. They’ll help you to look at the origin, what is rational, what is not and give you ways to deal. You’ll learn “coping skills.”

You have nothing to lose. It can only be a win/win situation. Get it? Feel free to write me. I had a very traumatic time in High School. I hated it, every single day, every minute, so I can completely understand. I was taunted and teased. I felt hated and talked about. Because I am gay, people were so mean. I was beat up, beat down, spit on and I became so depressed, so hurt by it, that it affected me for years. It made me suicidal, it was bad, real bad. I wish I’d had someone to guide me through and I wish I’d had the tools, I acquired later on, to deal with it, understand it and work through it. I got all that through counseling. I hope you will seek counseling. It’s the smart thing to do.

I wish you only the best and a realization that you are not alone, concerning what you are going through. If nothing else, we are here, I am here and you can always write us. Believe it or not, we do care. Want to know why? Because we’ve all suffered, calamity, trials and tribulation, down right having the shit stomped out of us and we’ve learned from it. We were given the gift of a realization and maybe even a bit of wisdom, we’ve learned from it all. Now, it’s a sense of “giving back.”

I hope you’ll read all of this and if nothing else, take notice of the answer, just to and for you. We understand and we care. If we didn’t care, why would we bother with this at all? We’re here for you. As well, you may always write us, in fact, I personally would enjoy hearing from you in hopes that you will run with this. Keep us updated please. Wishing you much joy, happiness and a realization that you can rise above this.

Blessings & Bliss,

Soulseer

Dear Respectfully Anonymous,

A letter like yours is heart breaking to say the least. And I wish to all the gods that I could bring you the happiness that you seek. But the reality is that I cannot. However, I believe very strongly that we as individuals can turn our lives around and make good what now seems so bleak.

It is a difficult stage that you are going through, and it makes things harder to have this time referred to as “a stage”. But bear with me for a few paragraphs okay?

The “friends” that you have right now are a**holes. You don’t need them. And you know this… which is why I am thinking that you are trying to keep your enemies close, so to speak. Which quite frankly is ingenious. However it is unsatisfying because you no longer get to do the things that you want to do (like read and visit your family and so on). Being in an all boys school has got to be rough too… since there seems to be no distractions (like girls) to have. So I can see you are in a tight spot here.

So now you are pretty much looking at doing one of two things;

1- Keeping up with this charade, of image. Doing the things you do not like to, to keep up appearance. Generally being dissatisfied in your life and running the risk of severe depression and (hopefully not, but this can go here real fast) risk of suicide.

2- Saying “F*** it” to all this nonsense and living life the way you want and not worrying about those who would oppose you.

The first is easy to “do”, Hard to live with. The second is hard to “do”, easy to live with. But it is all up to you how you want your life to be. Do you want to be continuously afraid to be yourself? Do you want to repress your soul, your life, your being because of other non-important people?

And this is where it gets really hard. Being yourself IS hard when you are a teenager. It is made hard by people who act like sheep, flocking and mimicking so that they do not have to deal with their own insecurities. And I know of plenty of people who mimicked their way through high school and made it out to be who they wanted to be. But it was disappointing and they didn’t get out of life the experience of knowing who they were. It took much longer to have that realization and it was difficult.

Of course, those of us who have “lived the tale” and were themselves have some bad things too. I was bullied by a girl for a straight two years because of who I was. No other reason. But you know, I don’t have regrets about my teenhood. Not about who I was at any rate. And I think that is the difference. I can rest easy now, knowing that I was myself (to a point.. because lets face it, we all get really into our skins when we are older) and that I didn’t let myself down. And the people who were assholes then?? Some turned out not to be so bad once they were able to grow up too. And some, are just as much an asshole now as they were then. But those people are not in my life, and no where near it.

The biggest test is going to be weather you can handle who you are and being who you are. Usually the most aware of themselves get a lot of the “brunt” because others are jealous. I know that sounds really lame. But its’ true. You will know who you are, you will know what you enjoy, and you will only do the things to which make you happy. You will not follow a sheep, you will not be a sheep. And THAT will make those insecure sheep like boys livid. Why? Because they will wish that they could do as you have done. They might not envy what you do.. but they will envy your actions and you ability to pursue them. Think about that for a minute. Because as sure as I am that they would deny this in a heartbeat, I am sure that this is the case.

So. You have two choices. And neither are 100% easy. Your happiness is in your hands.

Take care, and I hope you do find that happiness you so deserve.

~Xmichra.

▶ Comment

I Will Be Gone

In Uncategorized on February 16, 2008 at 6:12 pm

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

▶ Comment

Choose To Be You

In Empowerment Advice, Self Improvement, Teen Issues on February 16, 2008 at 2:31 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, after asking the question again and again but never getting an answer or being to ashamed to ask the people around me, i finally come to my lovely computer. please help, its a very long and confusing story, at least too long for me.

oh, and can you please reply back via email, my computer wont bookmark any sites or keep history.

ok, try to make it short and i ask that you try not to be to judemental about it because i just sort of slip into things from time to time. Just read till the end cause its more than one thing and it just all came to me a few days after i went out for Marti Gras. Ok, i’m almost out of highschool, never had a boyfriend but been around plenty of guys i can click with. I might just not attract many guys as it is, but i’m not sure if it’s bad luck or attitude or what? Something always happens at the last moment. Either we can’t see each other again, things cool off, or some other girl moves in or just something really random. With the guy i took to homecoming, i really liked him and we went as friends. one of my friends asked him to a sorority dance at homecoming, he said yes, and met his current girlfriend on the dance floor. now she is keeping me away from him and wont even look at me. When we do have to talk about english projects, she will bring him up randomly. “I have no idea what i’m going to do with james this week end” i smoove it over, i have to “well it’s pretty cold out, he might just want to stay in or see a movie” but it still make me want to kill her. She has done this before. I feel like i can only get whats left after she is done. I don’t even know how she does it, she isn’t that atractive and snaps at people constantly. sorry if i’m brooding. The next thing that happened, i kinda like this guy in my chem class, but he is really shy, so am i, a little, and he is impossible to get to. i was pretty optimistic about getting closer to him till i over herd his conversation with an older girl in our class, i wasn’t ease dropping, i cant help it if she sits right by me and almost yells it. “I wouldn’t give you 2 more than a month, you never see each other, never talk, and have you seen her dorm, its a total sh*t hole” looks like he’s got a thing for college girls……..
now the last one is the longest story. I can’t stop thinking about him since and blush every time i do. I met him at a party a while ago, haven’t seen him since, talk about disheartening. My older cousin said that i needed to relax a bit. So she took me with a bunch of her and her friends to the Marti Gras parade. I ended up appsolutly drunk in the middle of a field, in god knows where, sitting on a tailgate in front of a bon fire with 12 other people. For a minute i thought “how did i get here again?” but then some one smoved to over with another drink. turns out when i’m compleatly drunk, i smile like an idiot, at everyone. But at the bon fire i met Jay. we had introduced ourselves at the parade when i was just a little more than tipsy. So we keep talking and drinking around the bon fire. he would pull me back evey time some guy put as in the fire cause the wood was wet and the flame would die. and i would bury my face in his jacket evey time the smoke blew in our direction. about an hour in a half later, most the people had left. thats when the guy who was putting gas in the fire slashed his palm to his wrist on a beer bottle when he got into a fight with his brother. so my cousin went to take him to the hospital and left me drunk in the field, in the middle of nowhere with Jay. We sat on the tale gate for another 2 and half to 3 hours playing drunken guessing games them talking about more important things like school, friends, family, college, and how we really didn’t understand the drama that happened the whole night. Turns out he was 19 and majoring in agicultural bussiness. he was really honest too, he said he thought it was a little strange that i had never been in a relationship. I was really comfortable with him and we got along really well. By the end of the night we were curled up on the tale gate with my head on his shoulder when some guy breaks in and says some one may have called the cops and that we needed to clean things up. He asked if my cus was coming back for me and i said i didn’t know, he said he would make sure i got home. probably 20 minutes later, and after we found half a bottle of vodka randomly lieing in the field, go figure, my cousin comes back and drags me off, not before i gave him a hug and said i hope i would see him again, he said definetly, then we left. my cus kept on asking me if he hit on me. i said no of course. Now i kinda worder why i was so different then. Not only did alot of guys hit on me, i also ended up getting really comfortable and close with some one i had just met. I don’t want to chalk it up to being drunk, that would mean i wouldn’t be able to be so close to people unless some one gave me a bottle of vodka. I wonder why i can’t be so approachable in my daily life. it was just so easy to get close to people. and it kinda upests me. Like i can’t make it work out with a guy? also knowing that i’m probably not going to see him again. I do miss him and i’d like to see him when i’m sober. i wonder if he would like me if i were sober. It really does hurt that i probably won’t see him again or be remotely that comfortable with some one normally.

i would be forever greatful if you could help me with my problem or tell me what my problem is.

till later

steff

Dear Steff,

Everything sounds normal. You sound normal, is what I’m saying. You may just need to polish up your approach and maybe a little self-esteem study? The Doctor also orders a little dose of Empowerment. May I suggest you read as much as you can, letters written to others who’ve written in with similar issues. On my sidebar are labels. Check out as much as you can on Empowerment, Self Esteem and any thing with the label Aunt B’s Bitch Belt.

If I’ve learned nothing, in this 49 years of mine, it’s that life is completely perspective. What I mean is we have winners and losers. We have people who’ve been dealt some crappy cards but choose to rise above it. We have people who’ve been handed everything and all; good looks, money, life of privilege. Do not envy them ever. For that matter, never envy anyone. You be you and be damn good at being you.

My point is this, as I stated in a recent post, What Defines You?,

“You are 3 People.”

I am who I am;

I am who you think I am

I am who I think I am

I am who I really am

It’s all perspective. As well, all life is about choice. Remember these words, if you remember nothing from this, “All life is choice.” It’s a matter of what we choose to do, in the best and worst of times. But we always have a choice. Often times we may not see it right away. Often times because of this, we make hasty, frivolous and stupid decisions. But one thing’s for certain, when it’s all said and done, when you are my age, you will begin to look back and see that in every instance, you had a choice as to how you handled a gift life hands you, an adversity and an every day situation. Even more importantly, you have a choice how people perceive you. You must remember these words, all the days of your life.
Choose to be;

Good
Pretty
Fair
Just
Honest
Truthful
Truth to Self
Assertive

All else will fall into place if you strive to be all these qualities. You will be pretty inside and out, if you so desire. Remember this!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Steff,

This will sound really stupid, but your problem is that you don’t actually have a problem, but you can quickly get into one if you are not careful.

Sounds to me like you are a pretty introverted person, and that is fine. But you may need to come out of your shell a little bit more often and take a few risks. Not big risks, but talking to guys doesn’t have to be a difficult task. After all, they will likely say something completely stupid during the conversation. We all do. And then it won’t feel so complicated. So don’t’ be afraid to say something.

With the examples that you provided it sounded like you waited to long to let the guys know you liked them. And that is really frustrating to you, and I can understand that. But if you don’t do something or speak up, they will move on. So try not to be so shy, guys are not mind readers.

Huge words of caution here though:

Drinking lowers inhibitions and what may seem like a great “ice breaker” for you to muster your courage can quickly become the worst day of your life. When we drink we do not have the regular thought process that we normally possess. This is because alcohol affects every part of the body.

Alcohol is carried through the blood stream and goes into organs, muscles, your brain, everywhere. And it affects the central nervous system in your brain. This is what causes you to feel more lose or relaxed, comfortable, or in reverse irritable aggressive or feel like you cannot be injured. It is a chemical response that happens, and you don’t really know what is going to happen until it does.

Many things can happen while you are drinking. You are more likely to make decisions that you will regret like dancing on tables, stripping, having sex with a person you barely know, having unprotected sex. There are tons of stories out there, just take a listen. Any person who has ever drank alcohol to the point of intoxication has at least one story of making poor if not life altering choices.

Also through this crazy altering of your central nervous system you lose the ability to know what is going on around you. Multitudes of women each year are raped, molested, or killed while under intoxication. And those who survive regret ever taking that drink because they know that they wouldn’t have ever been in the situations to become hurt if they were sober.

*******************************************************

I know that this is a hard reality to deal with, but you do not want this to be the result of needing to loosen up a little. Especially when you can learn to loosen up a little on your own.

So make sure that you are being smart about this and try to do a few things to let a guy know that you are interested. Talking to the guy will help a lot. If you are too shy to talk to a guy, how can you expect him to know that you are interested?? So you need to talk with the guy and at least make him know you are in the room. Then from there, keep a good rapport. Asking for help with a project, a pen, if they have plans for lunch. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Just make sure that you are putting yourself in the position for the guy to know you like him.

Men are not rocket scientists when it comes to women, and women are very confusing sometimes when trying to get attention. So make your intentions clear. At first, you will want to be friends with a guy, so what is so hard about asking him to sit with you? Or what is hard about asking him for coffee? You would do this with a girl that you wanted to be friends with right? So don’t be afraid to take your relationships into your own hands. And if the answer is no, then that’s fine. You didn’t invest a whole lot of energy and time brooding about it, and move on. No big deal.

Don’t’ worry so much, you are just shy. I am sure that you will do fine, as long as you keep your wits about you and you stay true to yourself.

~ Xmichra.

▶ Comment

Quality Not Quantity

In Good Fathering, Husband and Wife Issues, Parenting, Parenting Advice on February 16, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have been married for 1½ years. My husband and I both have ex’s and

children from those relationships. We have a 6-month-old baby.

Dear Reader,

It all comes down to the power of deducement on “our” parts. I have a few questions and a few observations to offer…

For Dad?

A few simply questions; I would ask you, if your motive for going way out in left field and possibly renting an apartment is only and solely so you may spend more time with your children?

For lack of a better way or more diplomatic way of asking this, are you pissed because your ex wife was awarded what appears to be more actual custody? Are you going to get another Apartment because, “How dare she pull this boner with my kids? I’ll show her,” and I am not insinuating this, merely asking.

Furthermore, through this power of deducement, I would ask if it’s fair for your current and most important situation, to be neglected because of your pressing feelings, in the direction you wish to take?

Will your 6 month old suffer for your hasty moves, thoughts and actions? Now, let me make myself clear; I am not telling you that you are making your child suffer. What I am saying is that you do in fact have a 6 month old who needs you, possibly more than your older children. The equation is a tell all of how your time will be divided up, if you go to this apartment. You will have no choice, every time you drive the 45 miles, go to the apartment, arrange to see the kids by your EX wife, to leave your other family behind, especially the lil one, the baby.

As well, I can see things from both sides. Mom, you are afraid to say anything because anything you say will be misconstrued. You will appear selfish for merely wanting to spend time with your husband and enjoy his company along with your baby. I must say that this is not, by any means unreasonable. I do feel for Dad but I want him to make sure his motive is not clouded by any animosity as he makes his decision.

Sometimes we need only to look in the mirror, decipher the situation and make the appropriate and most fair of decisions. Life is not fair, as you can well see and all we can do is try to make the best out of some bad situations.

I do offer Dad to write me and tell me how he feels. If he is a reasonable man, I do not think he’ll be upset with the fact that you have not presented this to obtain cheerleaders for your side. No I believe your motive is not bad. In fact, I think you simply treasure the love you have for your husband and the father of your children. He’s a good man, you and I know this and we are not trying to indict him. We simply want some solution, right?

Again, I give credit where credit is due. The issue is not whether Dad is a good father, it is simply can he see through all this where he is needed the most and can he realize the importance of a father in a babies life? Somehow, I think he will make the right choice and see that there’s only 24 hours in a day and it’s not quantity but quality that counts. Right?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Erica,

But on the other hand… those are his kids. And as sure as you are about not wanting to move away from your children, even if you could make a day trip… he is reacting the same way.

So it’s hard to actually find what the best solution would be. Especially since so many people have less sympathy for the father in these cases… and because there are other elements involved.

I hope that there is a solution for you two and everyone involved. And I hope babs maybe can answer a little better!!

Take care, and I hope things work out for you.

~Xmichra

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I Will Be Gone

In Uncategorized on February 16, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

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It’s An Awkward Age

In Gay Issues, Lesbian Issues, Sexual Experimentation, Sexual Issues, Teen Issues, Teen Problems on February 14, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

i’m 12 yrs old and kinda gay (i think) i’m female and every now and then i’ll go on the internet and type in something like penis, tits, sex or something like that but i cant help it!!!!!!! when something comes up or catches my eye i’ll go on it… jst now i’ve been looking at stuff when i thought i had to stop it! pleeeeeze!! i’m desperate and in need of advice!!! please answer me! it’s not my faault i make out with soft toys!!!!! please i’m crying so much lately because i feel guilty about this!!!

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I can understand the guilt that is accompanying your actions, but don’t feel too badly. What you are doing is natural, and awkward, and definitely not gay.

You are twelve, and going into being a young adult has multitudes of questions. And most of them biologically is about the sexes. What do people look like, what does a penis look like, what does a vagina look like, what does sex look like. It’s all a natural part of growing up.

I would caution you to take it easy though. Sex and exploration doesn’t have to happen at such a young age. Take your childhood for a little longer, you will wish that you had later in life. And talk to your parents or to an adult that you trust. Talking about all the changes your body will be making and all the anxiety you feel over these new emotions can help you to work through them and not make it a shameful experience.

Don’t worry, you are normal. You’re just growing up.

Take care

~Xmichra~

Dear Anonymous,

I must agree with Xmichra, what you are doing and experiencing is quite normal. It’s rather natural to want to know what things look like, as well in a comparative nature, you may feel drawn to looking at women. That does not mean you are gay. Nor does it mean you are gay because you prefer to look at women, ok?

For some young girls, soon to be women, it’s an experimental time. You find yourself looking at things in the mirror and then possibly going online to see who, what, where things are. Is yours, similar or the same? Does it look normal? As I write this, I remember my own feelings and observations;

No two vagina’s are alike, for starters. As well, there’s no wrong or right look. What I mean is this; You have some that are thick and full. Some are high-n-tight. Some are pink, some are darker. You’ll find every one is different. And it’s ever changing. In example, it might be pink now but when you have children and mature, it may turn darker. There’s no wrong or right, you see?

Consensus says, men have an opinion that ranges from liking a certain look to not caring at all, it’s all favorable. But it stands to reason, a guy will be attracted to a certain type of girl just as you have an opinion as to the type of guy that you are attracted to.

While we’re on the subject of attraction, let me make it clear to you that just because you find women more attractive does not mean a thing. At this age, it may feel safer. I can imagine a Penis may seem scary, big and menacing. It may very well be a turn off to you and you find yourself, in your search, looking more at women. While aesthetic beauty is something I still find an appreciation for, it does not mean you are gay. As well, looking at women may seem/feel safer?

Yes, you are too young to ever think that you will turn out/be gay. Give it some time. You may change your mind. Experimentation, you know the actual act of homosexuality, is also not outside the norm. You can not draw conclusions from that, as well. We all play, “Doctor,” and may even go on to something a little more serious, a trumped up version of playing Doctor. It is when it persists and you find that you are not in any way, shape or form attracted to the opposite sex, that is a definition of actually being Gay. And then it becomes you and your pursuit of happiness entails it and finding someone who shares your feelings, hopes, dreams in a gay relationship.

Of course, most of us explore, as young people with the same sex and it is natural. Some grow out of it, some never do as the way they are hardwired dictates an attraction to the same sex. As well, some grow to enjoy both sexes and are Bi-sexual.

I encourage you to not jump to conclusions, especially at this young, impressionable and tender age. As well, while I think looking at pictures of a sexual nature is rather natural, I do discourage you from looking at Pornography. At 12 years old, it may taint your perception of what or how things should be. Porn does not show what a healthy sexual relationship is between a man and a woman. It can be degrading, especially for women. It does not depict the natural course of action between a man and a woman in a loving relationship.

I encourage you to wait for sexual relations. Sex is over rated. Love making is never wrong between two healthy adults, hopefully in a monogamous relationship. Notice that word, “Adults.” I lost my virginity at 12. I thought I was a woman. I was not nor did I know as much as I thought I did. Live and learn. But I do hope you’ll learn from our mistakes. I hope you will heed the warnings that you might hear, of the tales of those who became pregnant at a young age and how it changed the very course of their lives. It happened to me and I can remember thinking, “Oh, that’ll never happen to me!” But why wouldn’t it? I mean since the dawn of time, it’s the nature of man and woman.

You have sexual relations/intercourse just once and you become pregnant. That’s all it takes, it’s so simple, yet we scoff of the idea that it will happen to us…till it does. Then, it may be too late. All your aspirations go right out the window. Most guys at a young age, don’t get it either. Then their girlfriend gets pregnant and their lives are changed as well. Quite often though, the girl gets left behind to raise a child they did not plan for and the guy goes on the list of Child Support Dead Beat Dad’s. He is forever resentful because YOU got pregnant and now he has to pay. They attach his wages and take the money. Even if he does stick around, he often thinks he’s still single and wants to run wild with the fella’s and carry on. All the while, you are at home stuck with a crying baby. You’ve done everything to try to make the baby stop crying but it’s 2am and he just wants to cry. Or maybe he has an earache, it hurts and you can’t tell why he won’t stop crying. You are exhausted but you can’t sleep when your child is crying. Daddy’s still out with the boys playing X-Box and it’s all on you, every day. There is no turning back, kiss your life, as you knew it good-bye. Selah

We won’t even go into the diseases you’ll get from that guy that doesn’t look sick. Or the fact that he’s slept around and every girl he’s slept with, you now sleep with because if he got a disease three girls ago, he’s going to give it to you. But he looked good, huh? Little did you know, he was infected with AIDS?HIV. See, until you are actually ding from the effects of HIV, with todays meds, a person doesn’t look sick. Then in their last days, they become thin and sickly looking, maybe you can even see Karposi’s Sarcoma? But “he didn’t look sick,” is all you’re left saying.

When I write these posts, I often write from experience and I write hoping others will read it. I also often tell it like it is and reveal painful things in the hopes that you or someone else won’t have to endure what I did. People and things can be deceptive. Think before you do, that’s all. Don’t be like me, a woman who grew up too quickly with child at 16 years old. Don’t be stupid like I was. I shared a needle because of my addiction to Heroin. Yes, I tried it and the very first time, I thought it spoke to my soul, cured all my ailments. Little did I know it would be my own demise. Yes, I shared a needle with someone who looked healthy. I didn’t heed the warnings, neither did my first or second husband. I have Hep C because of this. My first husband has already died from Hep C, a painful and terrible thing to watch. Especially, knowing you have the same disease and may die just like that, painfully slow.

I guess I’m telling you…don’t grow up too fast. There’s no joy in adulthood that is rushed.

It’s An Awkward Age

In Gay Issues, Lesbian Issues, Sexual Experimentation, Sexual Issues, Teen Issues, Teen Problems on February 14, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I can understand the guilt that is accompanying your actions, but don’t feel too badly. What you are doing is natural, and awkward, and definitely not gay.

Don’t worry, you are normal. You’re just growing up.

Take care

~Xmichra~

Dear Anonymous,

I guess I’m telling you…don’t grow up too fast. There’s no joy in adulthood that is rushed.

What Defines You??

In Uncategorized on February 14, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have been married for 1½ years. My husband and I both have ex’s and

children from those relationships. We have a 6-month-old baby.

Dear Reader,

It all comes down to the power of deducement on “our” parts. I have a few questions and a few observations to offer…

Dad,

A few simply questions; I would ask you, if your motive for going way out in left field and possibly renting an apartment is only and solely so you may spend more time with your children?

For lack of a better way or more diplomatic way of asking this, are you pissed because your ex wife was awarded what appears to be more actual custody

Dear Erica,

But on the other hand… those are his kids. And as sure as you are about not wanting to move away from your children, even if you could make a day trip… he is reacting the same way.

So it’s hard to actually find what the best solution would be. Especially since so many people have less sympathy for the father in these cases… and because there are other elements involved.

I hope that there is a solution for you two and everyone involved. And I hope babs maybe can answer a little better!!

Take care, and I hope things work out for you.

~Xmichra

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I will Be Gone

In Uncategorized on February 14, 2008 at 2:11 am

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

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Nothing To Hurt

In Family Problems, Family Resolve, Unfair Parenting on February 14, 2008 at 1:33 am

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am having a problem with my mother. She treats my sisters son better than my daughters. Let me start from the beginning . My mom and I haven’t been close like a mother and daughter should be. She chose her husband and children that she had with him over me, he kicked me out when I was 16 and she did nothing about it. She didn’t say no don’t go she just basically thought maybe that her life would be better if I was gone( they got divorced 2 years ago). I married at 17 and am still married to the same person I am now 33 years old. We have 3 girls ages 13, 14 yrs and an 11 month old baby. I always wanted my daughters to have the relationship that I never had with my mom, but it’s not possible cause my sister had a baby boy two years ago and they lived with her up until a week ago, but let me go back .

When my daughter was born I went over there with my husband my mom barely held her she just kept holding my sisters son and ignored my baby even my husband who is NOT a jealous person at all said ‘All your mom cares about is your sisters son she didn’t even look at our baby I’m never coming back here again!!’ I was so hurt, but I did go back to visit and it’s the same thing when ever my daughter does something new she says’well Luis does that all the time’ or if she says a new word ‘Luis says that all the time’ and I’m thinking in my head so what he is a year older he should be doing it that!!! I am not mad at the the little boy I love him it’s not his fault his grandmother is so damn ignorant!!! I have have spoken to my mom about this problem and how I feel about her doing this to no avail she makes excuses about how I’m a good mother and my sister isn’t so she feels bad for my nephew and that she loves all the kids the same but that is bull she must think I’m an idiot! Even my older girls know that she loves her grandson more cause they have told me ‘grandma loves Luis more than us and I have tried to play it off and said no it just seems that way, she loves you guys all the same! I am so sick and tired of being hurt! This situation has me really depressed. My sister left this weekend she moved to another state and took her son, so I took my baby girl over to try to cheer my mother up cause her precious grandson is gone and she barely even looked at her. She was just moping around all depressed like a zombie. That was the final straw I never had a dad and now I’m about to lose my mom cause I wanna cut all ties with her, but I need some advice first. Do you think I am over reacting?? Should I stop talking to my mom? Please help this is ruining my life I am crying all the time cause I feel torn over the decision Please help me!! Thank you

Karina

Dear Karina,

It sounds like there is a lot more to this story then what you have written, but I will try my best with what you have given.

I know that you feel you need to cut ties with your mother, but I am sure that you would be very depressed if you do this. Cutting your mother off will no doubt make this worse for you, not better. So I do not think that this is the answer. Why do I feel that? Because if you wanted to cut ties with her; you would have done that a long time ago. And if you were going to ever feel hurt, it would be from this. Especially if anything bad happened to your mother (like if she died). You would feel perpetually guilty and depressed.

It sounds like your mother wants nothing more then to have a family and have people be dependant on her. And unfortunately that want is so strong that it makes her bitter and rude at times to others who aren’t needy of her. She wants to be the one people come home too and needs… but she doesn’t realize that her behavior does nothing but the opposite.

She is the type of person who will nurture and baby the crap out of someone who is codependent because then she feels needed. It is apparent with your sister and her baby that this is the case. But the bad part about being like this, is that your mother sounds like she is codependent and she doesn’t know it yet. I am not a doctor, so I can’t diagnose a person. But to me, with other people I know who have been diagnosed as codependent; this is what your mother sounds like.

I am going to steal from Wikipedia this citation, because it is the best summarization that I could find (it’s short and to the point).

Codependence (or codependency) is a popular psychology concept popularized by Twelve-Step program advocates. A “codependent” is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A “codependent” is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The “codependent” party exhibits behavior which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party’s condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.

Does that sound familiar now?

See, I know that your mother cares and I know that you do too. It’s just hard to see when there is an issue.

So now what do I think is the best resolve? I honestly don’t know. You can try just going over and talking to your mother. She might snap out of her funk. You can try taking your mom to get some help, telling her that she seems really lonely and sad since your sister departure and could benefit from an open ear might be the way to go with that.

But you are not over reacting. I have to say this because no matter the case with your mother, it is not fair to you. Sickness or not, it is not fair for a child to feel shunned by her parent. And if anyone gets that, it’s me. For years my father favored my brother (and still does) but I decided to let that be their thing. I decided that it wasn’t going to hurt me anymore, because I don’t need to be favored. I know that I am doing the best I can with my own family, and I know that my child will not feel like that.

So maybe that is what you need to do. Take the ability for your mother to hurt you away from her. She can’t hurt you if there is nothing to hurt. Do you need her favoritism or validation or consent? No. You don’t. You are doing what you can for your daughters AND you are still trying to preserve some kind of relationship with your mother. That is mighty big of you. You keep trying and you love your family despite it’s flaws. Own that. It is what makes you who you are. And there is nothing wrong with it.

If you are feeling like you can’t do that, and you can’t help your mother, then distance yourself a bit. And maybe see a councilor yourself. It sounds like there are more issues here then you have written (like I said above) and that you could also benefit from a non-partial persons opinion. But I really do think that cutting your mom out of your life would be a mistake. I think that a choice like that can kill a person, and you do care.

I hope that you can resolve some of your hurt. And I hope that your mother one day realizes the hurt she has caused and does well by you. Take care of yourself and your family.

~Xmichra.

Aunt Babz Said…

Girlfriend, I went through the same thing. Be the Matriarch of your family. Live by example and show your children a true sense of family. Break the chain. Don’t stay up even thinking about this, not one more night. Your hurt and pain is only yours, they do not feel it. Your anger about this will consume you. Pray for her, pray for a difference. Let go and let God. Give it to her and let it go.Be that Matriarch, remember this.

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I Will Be Gone…

In Uncategorized on February 13, 2008 at 10:14 pm

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

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Ready, Set…Stop

In Endometriosis, Marriage, Something To Think About on February 13, 2008 at 9:59 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

I don’t really know who else to turn to, so I figured I’d give this a try..

I have a lot that I have been keeping inside for a very long time that I need to get off my chest, so sorry if this is immensely long..

I’m 18, I have been with this guy Jeffrey for about 2 years now, and I couldn’t possibly be more in love with him. We’re engaged, and I couldn’t be happier. But at the same time, I couldn’t be more miserable. That probably makes no sense, but I will explain.

I think he is bi-polar, actually I’m about 99% sure of it. And he has a bad anger problem. Certain things just make him snap, little things that wouldn’t normally make a person angry. And if I try to calm him down or talk to him about it, all he does is get more and more angry every time I open my mouth, so I have to sit there and listen to him yell at me for an hour without saying a word. But every time he calms down, he apologizes, realizes he shouldn’t have talked to me like that, or even been mad at me in the first place because I did nothing wrong. He would never physically hurt me, that I am sure of, but he feels the need to threaten me all the time, and he calls me every name he can think of and its really hurtful, even though I know he doesn’t mean it.

And one thing that concerns me is, he is a gun fanatic. He loves them, mainly because his dad (who passed away a couple years ago) loved them. He is the most sensitive guy I have ever met. And sometimes he takes things I say completely the wrong way, and he completely loses it. Usually he misunderstands what I say because his hearing isn’t the greatest, or he just takes it wrong. But no matter how mean he is to me sometimes, never under any circumstance would I ever purposely hurt him. I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to, because it’s just how I am. But when he takes things the wrong way, it hurts him, a lot, and he loses it and tells me he’s going to shoot himself, and usually we’re on the phone, and he hangs up on me, and I live 40 minutes away from him, so I’m left worried sick. And there have been times where he has put a gun to his head right in front of me. And, yes, there have been times where he’s gotten so mad at me he has put a gun to my head too. But it was never loaded, he was just trying to scare me I think.

I don’t know if he is serious when he does that stuff, or if he’s always just trying to scare me or make me feel bad for making him ’suicidal’. I personally don’t think he would ever shoot himself or anyone (unless we broke up.. I know it sounds sort of conceited, but it’s the truth), but it still worries me. He has flat out told me that when he threatens me he is trying to scare me, because he wants me to know that he is serious about whatever stupid thing he’s mad about. He does realize afterwords he was wrong and he’ll apologize to me about it for the next week.

He also always tells me that it’s not my fault, he’s just stressed out because his mom gives him a hard time a lot, and he’s having a hard time getting a job. And when he’s frustrated like that he takes it out on the first person he talks to, which 99.9% of the time is me.

To be honest, he doesn’t scare me, that’s not my problem at all. I mean, at first, yeah it scared me because I didn’t know him as well as I do now. He tries all the time to scare me though when he’s angry, he’ll talk in this deep creepy voice, threaten me, and it goes on and on. But I know he really loves me and doesn’t mean it, which is why I’m not afraid of him. Even when he put a gun to my head (which he has done on 3 occasions) I didn’t even flinch.

Another thing is, he has a hard time trusting me, even though I’ve never done anything wrong. I’ve only been in 2 other relationships in my entire life, and they both turned into friendships. They were both really nice guys, but there was just no spark. One I never even kissed, and the other we never kissed for more than like half a second, and I was with both of them for over a year. So obviously I was a virgin when I met him. I am not the cheating type, I don’t even think about other guys, because I only want to be with Jeffrey. I am 100% loyal. But for some reason, he always thinks I’m going to cheat on him, or that I’m lying to him about things, or sometimes if I take a minute to answer the phone he thinks I have some guy over. And I think the reason is because he’s dated a lot of girls, and every one of them ended up hurting him. One accused him of raping her when I know for a fact he didn’t because she told the cops 3 different stories, and she kept giggling, and that girl is always in trouble with the police, besides that she’s.. well.. a moron. Jeffrey would never do that. But every single one of his ex-girlfriends either cheated on him, or broke up with him for something stupid. And they were all really slutty. It’s his own self esteem problem. Also a lot of girls have told him that he was ugly, which I don’t think he is at all. And not to sound conceited, but I’ve been told a lot that I’m pretty. He thinks that he’s not good enough for me or something. And I tell him all the time that he is. I said I don’t think he’s ugly I actually find him incredibly attractive, which I tell him all the time, but that doesn’t matter to me, looks shouldn’t matter in a relationship, and he agrees. But sometimes he starts thinking about that stuff and he convinces himself that I’m just messing with him. Well after 2 years, and being engaged for a while now too, I’m pretty sure everyone knows that neither one of us is messing around.

I also have no friends now (not that I had many in the first place, not exactly the social type), but some of them weren’t because of him, some of them changed a lot, or moved away. But I don’t talk to or hang out with anyone but him, and to be honest it doesn’t really bother me that much, even though it should. I guess sometimes it does though. He doesn’t hang out with other people that much, but he still does sometimes. And some of them are girls that he has known for a long time, and I do trust him. But what bothers me, is that I know that if I were to hang out with anyone, girl or guy, he’d get pissed off and feel like I was blowing him off, even though we talk a lot every single day, I’m over there every weekend, and usually one day during the week. I remember once when we first started going out, actually the third day we were together.. Me and one of my friends had made plans 2 weeks before I even met him to go to Six Flags. I didn’t invite him because he and I had made plans to go there together the next week, and besides that I know the two of them wouldn’t get along, very different personalities. Basically she would get on his nerves. So we went, and he made no indication that it bothered him. About 2 months later was when he started letting his anger out around me. He brought that up and said that it was really selfish of me to go because he wanted to hang out with me that day, even though I told him the first day we met I had plans. That just an example of the stupid things he gets mad about. He doesn’t tell me when something bothers him, he expects me to be able to read his mind.

Another problem is, well I said we are engaged, so obviously we have plans to spend the rest of our lives together. my parents are extremely strict. His mom is far from strict. He doesn’t understand that I can’t just bug my parents and get whatever I want. I just got my license about a month ago, which I wanted when I was 16. I wanted a job when I was 16 too, but I still have never worked a day in my life. Reason being, my parents. My mom mainly. She is incredibly lazy and selfish. My dad works his butt off to support the 3 of us, and all she ever does is complain. She thinks I don’t do anything around the house, when usually I do everything around the house. She kept me from getting my license and a job because she wants me to stay there forever and take care of her, and keep her company since my dad is always working. But enough about my mom, her I can deal with.

Like I said before, it is a 40 minute drive from my house to Jeffrey’s. So usually, my mom drops me off at his house, and he takes me home. I feel bad about it because he doesn’t have a job either (which I will get to that in a minute), and gas prices have gone waaayyy up. But he always insists he doesn’t care, he wants to see me, and he doesn’t mind driving all the time. Until he has to take me home, then he starts going on about how I’m ‘lazy’ and he’s sick of driving all the time. We have both been desperately trying to find jobs. Well I have anyway. But since my mom won’t take me out to look, I have to rely on the computer to find one. I can’t drive myself because I don’t have a car. With him, he can talk his mom into anything, she lets him walk all over her. But he doesn’t understand that I can’t do that with my parents. He treats his mom the same way he does me, he’s always yelling at her, but she always gives in to whatever it is he wants. So back to my original point, we want to get married, but that is going to have to wait until we can afford it. His mom will let me move in with them for a while as long as I have a job, a car and some money saved up. And he blames me for the delay. He thinks I’m not pushing my mom enough, but I can’t force her to do anything. But the reality is, if it’s anyone’s fault it’s his. His mom really needs him to help out with expenses, because since his dad died she’s been giving him everything he wanted. Now they’re having serious money problems. And this has been going on for a year, and he still has not gotten a job. He has looked on occasion, but he’s not really trying. I’ve tried to push him to look too, but he just gets irritated because he thinks I nag him all the time. I know he wants to get a job, but he won’t settle for something unless it pays a lot and has great benefits, and its something he would do for the rest of his life. He is 19, and he hasn’t held a job for more than 3 months. And that was just one job, the other ones weren’t more than 2 weeks. And next year he wants to go to school to be a gunsmith (go figure), and he’s going to have to move out of state, and I am going with him. But the only way that is going to happen is if he gets a job, any job. He will not listen to me, or his mother, or anyone. He expects everyone to do everything for him, since that’s what he’s used to. I don’t understand what’s going on in his head, because he won’t talk to me about it. I think it might be because he doesn’t think he’s smart enough (he does have a slight learning disability, but he is actually very intelligent). He didn’t do that great in school, and he thinks its because he’s stupid, but it’s because he didn’t care about it. He didn’t try.

Well I think I’ve said enough about the bad things. If I were to talk to anyone else about this, they would freak out and tell me to break up with him. And by now you’re probably thinking the same thing. While he may sometimes be, well lets just admit it, a complete ass, there is an entirely different side to him. He doesn’t always get mad at me, usually he’s incredibly sweet. He’s always there for me, and he’s helped me through a lot of things. He’s never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to, like most guys do. We have so much in common, and when we’re actually together (not on the phone) he hardly ever gets mad, we never ‘fight’ (not including when he’s in one of his moods), we never run out of things to say, we tell each other everything, and we generally have an amazing relationship besides the anger thing. He’s very protective of me, and I feel safe with him. He’s very open and honest with me (except for why he won’t get a job.. he claims he doesn’t know), he shares every thought and feeling he has with me, he’s not afraid to be himself in front of me, he’s not afraid to cry in front of me, he doesn’t go a day without making me feel loved and like I mean the world to him, he doesn’t lie to me, I know he’d never cheat on me, because he’s not that kind of person. And I could go on and on about all of this, but obviously that’s not my problem and you’re probably already getting tired of reading all of this. I love him, I have since the first day I met him, and I never personally believed that was possible, but it happened. We just had this instant connection. What my problem is, is that I don’t understand how he can tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I mean the world to him, and again I could go on and on, but he sometimes treats me as if I mean nothing to him. Yet he always apologizes for it until he knows I’m ok.

There is no one I’d rather be with, and absolutely nothing could make me break up with him, I would honestly rather die. And I know if I were to tell anyone I know that, they would just say I’m young and I just think I’m in love but I’m really not, and he’s just using me for sex, and if I marry him I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. But I know how I feel, and I know that my feelings for him are real, and I know his are too. I can’t explain how exactly I know, I just do. I feel like he and I are meant to be together. When I’m with him and he’s not in one of his psychotic moods, I don’t even think about it. I feel so incredibly happy. But when he is in one of those moods, I find myself thinking of ways to kill myself, and there have been times I’ve seriously considered it. I’d never do it, but I’m just sick of having these thoughts. Like last night he was driving me home and as usual, he was complaining about how I’m lazy and he claims he’s not going to drive anymore, and he kept going on and on, and the whole time I’m thinking ‘we’re on the highway.. there’s a semi behind us going 65.. all I have to do is open the door and jump’.. like I said I’d never do it, but I don’t know what to do anymore. His mom has tried to get him professional help, but talking didn’t work, and he was on medication for a while, and that really did help him. He never got angry once when he was on it. Just occasionally got a tiny bit irritated. But it was affecting his sleep so now he refuses to take it, and he refuses to get help. And now it’s worse because you’re not supposed to just stop taking that stuff. I don’t want to leave him. And I know if I did, he would kill himself. That would make him totally snap. But that’s not even the reason. I love him too much. But I can’t even stand up for myself when he gets angry. Sometimes I do, but I am extremely shy and quiet. I’m not shy with him, but I couldn’t yell at him if I wanted to. I want to be angry with him, but I can’t be because I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. And I’m so lost and confused I feel like I’m losing my mind because I’m holding so much inside. I have anxiety, which he has made worse, and plus I have bad asthma and allergies and such, so I’m not exactly healthy, and sometimes he gets me so upset I pass out. I’m taking medicine for it now and I haven’t passed out in a few months, but I’ve come close. It’s like no matter what I do for him, it isn’t good enough. He tells me he wants me to help him, and I try, but either I’m doing it wrong, or it’s not good enough. He wants me to start helping out around the house more since I’m there so much, and I do. But it’s not enough. He tells me I’m not affectionate enough (which he doesn’t understand no one in my entire life has ever shown me affection, the couple boyfriends I had didn’t pay any attention to me at all, and neither does my family), But I’ve grown to understand what it takes to be in a relationship, and now I am very affectionate with him, but it’s not enough apparently because he still tells me all the time I’m not affectionate. And this is a bit embarrassing and on the personal side, but oh well.. We do have sex, what I consider to be a lot. And while I do enjoy it a lot, I have endometriosis, and sometimes it hurts because of it. it’s so painful that I almost pass out, and I have to stop. But I can never tell when its going to happen. And I’m always worried about it, and he thinks that I think he’s not good enough, or that he’s not.. pleasuring me..which he does.. And I’m not exactly that educated in that field, meaning I don’t know how normal people act while having intercourse.. (I don’t watch much tv lol) And like I said, I’m a very quiet person (though by now you’re probably thinking ‘God, does this girl ever shut up’ lol) And I don’t uhh… exactly moan at the top of my lungs.. I do, just not loudly.. and again, he thinks its because of him, he doesn’t understand that its just how I am.. I don’t know if that’s normal or not.. but I’m not going to force myself to.. And to be honest, sex is somewhat important, but it’s not the most important thing in the world, and he thinks the same. I know, weird, he’s a guy it should be the only thing on his mind, but I told you he’s not like most guys, that’s what I love about him. He’s not one to go around telling his friends about it, even if they ask him about it he tells them to back off because that’s personal, he doesn’t try and make me do things I don’t want to do, etc. So none of that is the problem.. He just makes me feel bad about having Endometriosis, and not being able to handle the pain. I think he thinks that I exaggerate the pain, but I don’t. But enough about that topic..

Emotionally, I am ready to get married.. and he insists that he is too, but I honestly don’t think he is, he’s naive, he thinks that everything is just going to fall into place for him and he’s not going to have to work for the things he wants in life. He can be very immature too. And I believe that I am mature for my age, I’ve been told that many times.. But if I were to tell him that, he’d just get mad at me. And now, all I ever do is try not to make him mad because I can’t take it anymore..

Wow I’ve typed a lot, and I think I’ve gotten everything I needed out. I just really need someones opinion and advice who will tell me exactly what they think, and please be blunt if you wish.. I’m just confused and seriously losing my mind.. Thank you for your time..

~Anonymous~

Dear Anonymous,

Sometimes I really try to make things sound a lot better then they are. But in this case, I don’t think that would do you a lick of good. So you get the brutal truth. Are you ready for it?

You are not emotionally ready to get married, and neither is he. Someone who is emotionally ready to get married doesn’t have all these drawbacks and inabilities to cope… never mind that neither of you are employed or living away from your parents. You both are simply not ready.

And that is really a great thing, because you both need some serious help. Really, you know that this is true. You are in a highly destructive and volatile relationship, and what you are feeling is ”love”…. It’s this guy “loving you so much he would kill himself”. That’s all that is; you think that is what love is, to be so unconcerned for your own life when in regards for your partner. But it is not, I assure you. It’s wanting nothing bad to happen to your partner, and never wanting to cause them pain. And he is causing you great pain, and not getting the help he needs.

People who are in love do not point guns at each other.

People who are in love do not ignore pain, especially during sexual intercourse.

People who are in love do not think about killing themselves because of the “mood” partners are in.

People who are in love do not treat each other the way you two do.

Have you not noticed that in your letter every single thing you started to say that was good had a condition on it??? Look at this:

“But he always insists he doesn’t care, he wants to see me, and he doesn’t mind driving all the time. Until he has to take me home, then he starts going on about how I’m “lazy” and he’s sick of driving all the time.”

“But what bothers me, is that I know that if I were to hang out with anyone, girl or guy, he’d get pissed off and feel like I was blowing him off, even though we talk a lot every single day, I’m over there every weekend, and usually one day during the week”

“And if I try to calm him down or talk to him about it, all he does is get more and more angry every time I open my mouth, so I have to sit there and listen to him yell at me for an hour without saying a word. But every time he calms down, he apologizes, realizes he shouldn’t have talked to me like that, or even been mad at me in the first place because I did nothing wrong.”

“He is the most sensitive guy I have ever met. And sometimes he takes things I say completely the wrong way, and he completely loses it. Usually he misunderstands what I say because his hearing isn’t the greatest, or he just takes it wrong. But no matter how mean he is to me sometimes, never under any circumstance would I ever purposely hurt him. I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to, because it’s just how I am. But when he takes things the wrong way, it hurts him, a lot, and he loses it and tells me he’s going to shoot himself, and usually we’re on the phone, and he hangs up on me, and I live 40 minutes away from him, so I’m left worried sick. And there have been times where he has put a gun to his head right in front of me. And, yes, there have been times where he’s gotten so mad at me he has put a gun to my head too. But it was never loaded, he was just trying to scare me I think.”

And the flags for you, oh my god girl. Do you not see these????

*One accused him of raping her when I know for a fact he didn’t because she told the cops 3 different stories, and she kept giggling, and that girl is always in trouble with the police, besides that she’s.. well.. a moron.

*And, yes, there have been times where he’s gotten so mad at me he has put a gun to my head too. But it was never loaded, he was just trying to scare me I think.

*We’re engaged, and I couldn’t be happier. But at the same time, I couldn’t be more miserable.

*Another thing is, he has a hard time trusting me, even though I’ve never done anything wrong

*I also have no friends now (not that I had many in the first place, not exactly the social type), but some of them weren’t because of him

*What my problem is, is that I don’t understand how he can tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I mean the world to him, and again I could go on and on, but he sometimes treats me as if I mean nothing to him

*I don’t want to leave him. And I know if I did, he would kill himself. That would make him totally snap.

*He just makes me feel bad about having Endometriosis, and not being able to handle the pain. I think he thinks that I exaggerate the pain, but I don’t

Girl. I don’t know what it is you want here. But you NEED to get help! Read your own letter! I am not trying to rip apart the parts that are really bad and leaving the “good” stuff. There was nothing good to quote in this! These are the flags and signals of truly disturbed people and your Jeffery is one of them. He needs help to overcome what ever it is that makes him so destructive and angry. And you need help to clear your mind and to see this for what it really is – trouble.

I have no doubt in my head that if you two were to leave now and get married that you would end up killing each other, committing suicide or getting beaten. Absolutely no doubt in my mind, that something truly horrific would come of this. And the part that scares me the most? Is that you do not see this monstrosity of a relationship for what it is, and the danger you are putting yourself in.

I know that this was brutal to read, but somehow I didn’t think sugar coating it or using psychological jargon would work with you. You claim that people say you are mature for your age. Prove it. Do not get married right now you are both not ready. If you go into this marriage with all of this baggage and unresolved issues and hurt and discourteousness you will regret this for the rest of your life. Get help; you need to clear your mind. Ask him to get help. And see what happens from there.

I seriously hope that you take this advice, and get the help you need. If you need help to find someone to talk to, let us know where you live and we will find it. Please do this; this is your life we are talking about, and that is not a commodity to give up lightly.

Take care of yourself. Be careful.

~Xmichra~

Dear Anonymous,

No wonder you seem mature for your age: you have clearly been through

(and are going through) so much in your life already. And you’re

perceptive enough to have identified the source of unhappiness in your

relationship: Your fiancé has a currently untreated mental illness.

And although he may love you and treat you well most of the time, this

mental illness sometimes causes him to become angry and abusive. Yes,

abusive.

I know Jeffrey doesn’t hit you or hurt you physically, but abuse

doesn’t have to be physical. It’s verbally and emotionally abusive to

yell at you for an hour, to call you names, to threaten you, to make

you feel you can’t have other friendships, to try to scare you and to

hold a gun to your head (even if it isn’t loaded). It’s abuse even if

he loves you, even if he doesn’t mean it, even if he’s really sorry,

even if he doesn’t want to hurt you, even if you don’t want any other

friends right now, even if his mental illness is making him behave in

ways he doesn’t want to. It’s human to be angry, frustrated and

stressed at times, but healthy, mature adults can handle those

emotions without becoming abusive. For the situation to really

improve, Jeffrey will have to get the help he needs, and you can’t

force him to do that.

In spite of that, I’m not here to tell you to leave. I know you don’t

want to, and can’t, leave him now. You are looking for a way to fix

the parts of your relationship that are broken without leaving, and

there are steps you can take and things you can work on yourself that

will help you improve your life and your relationships.

It is difficult to make any relationship work, but it’s much harder to

make a relationship work when your partner suffers from a mental

illness, especially one that is untreated. It sounds like you have a

lot of love between you, and you both are clearly filling needs for

each other. But while love is important in making a relationship

work, it’s not enough. Even in a relationship with a mentally healthy

person, you need mutual respect and good communication skills in

addition to love. And when you are in a relationship with someone who

is mentally ill, you need even more than that: you need the tools,

knowledge and help to deal with the illness.

You know that what you’ve tried so far to handle Jeffrey’s rage is not

working. You’ve been doing the only thing you know how to, but you’ve

been trying to do the impossible: to do everything so perfectly that

he won’t become angry. And it’s making you crazy with anxiety that

you can’t control everything in the world to ensure that nothing ever

disturbs him, that you can’t ensure that he won’t ever misunderstand

you, that you can’t make him believe that you love him and don’t want

to hurt him.

There are people and organizations that can help you. There is a group

called Rage Anon (http://www.rage-anon.org) that uses a 12 Step format

to help partners of those with anger problems learn healthy ways to

handle those problems. There are therapists who can help you, and a

school or workplace could help you get in touch with them. You can

also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE

(7233). In addition to supporting people who are being physically

abused, they offer support to those who are being verbally and

emotionally abused.

Unfortunately, the fact that you are living at home, and presumably no

longer in school, may make accessing some of this help a bit more

difficult. Just as a practical matter, having a job and your own

transportation will help you get the help you need. Is there public

transportation or taxi service available in your area? Is there an

adult in your life, other than your mother, who could help you find

transportation or a job? Your father, an aunt or uncle, an older

cousin, a friend, a former teacher or school counselor?

Feel free to e-mail me at mamampj@gmail.com, if you need to. You are

a brave woman in a difficult situation and I will be thinking of you.

All My Best,

Mary

A Room of Mama’s Own

▶ Comment

What Defines You???

In Armed Forces, Compassion, Empathy, National Guard, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on February 5, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi, I really don’t know what to do?

Here is the situation.I have been wanting to join the military for many years now and my husband

keeps making excuses for waiting and stupid me I have listened. Now I am 12years into this marriage with four small children and he has been diagnosed

with severe post traumatic stress syndrome.

His mental health professional has advised me that it is not a good idea for me to join but I still want to no matter the cost to him. I feel like I have taken care of him long enough and now it is time to think about me for a change. I am not worried about my children they are still young enough to adapt. And he has said if I go he will support me fully,but he has said that in the past with any thing I under take and then have to quit because of him. I want this, and need this for myself. Am I being selfish in wanting to make something of myself and just going for it or should I put my ambitions once again to secure my husbands sanity?

Please I just need to hear what someone has to say outside

the situation.

THANKS ANONYMOUS

Dear Anonymous,

My heart is divided on how to advise you. On the one hand I think you have been more than self-sacrificing and should do what your heart desires while you still can. On the other, I know I would be a hypocrite because I cannot take that same advice and potentially lose my family.

See, this is not the life that I thought I would live either. It’s not bad by any stretch of the imagination; in fact I think it is more rewarding in some cases. But still, it is not where I thought I would be ten years ago. And if I were to tell you to do this, to make this leap which could potentially have a huge down side (not only with your husbands mental health, but with your children and the time you would be able to spend with them, and entering a dangerous job) I would really be quite hypocritical because I couldn’t do it myself. I couldn’t do that to my family and potentially lose something I never knew was so great until I found it.

So. I really don’t know how to answer this, other then what ever you choose you need to be able to live with the repercussions (if any). If you feel like you simply cannot live not joining the military, then do it. Your husband did tell you that he would support you, and hold him to it. If you feel like this move is going to rip your family apart and you can’t live without your family, then don’t do it. Sometimes it is better to regret…. Not entirely easy to live with. But sometimes when there are kids involved, it’s better.

I also would caution you to take what your husbands doctors are telling you. They only respond in what is the best care for their patients, and your feelings and life dynamic is not part of that equation. If your husband is going into these non-judgment talks that psychologists love to use (and really there is nothing wrong with this method, it is quite good) then he could be telling your doctor feelings about this kind of move and it could be concerning to the doctor but not necessarily what would happen.

For example, I wouldn’t want my husband to take employment with the police or military. That scares me because it is dangerous, and I am a natural worrywart. If I were in a therapy session spilling out all my feelings on the subject, I would say that I would feel scared and anxious over that decision and that the thoughts of raising my child without a father would keep me up at night. And this is all truth. Doesn’t mean that if my husband was to join either agency that I would be neurotic or distant or self-destructive. But there is the possibility there when you look at the correlation from a psychological standpoint. High anxiety or PTS disorders are synonymous with rash decisions and the inability to make rational choices.

So this is why the doctors will tell you what they do. It is like a warning though, similar to that which they put on the labels of medication. They can only tell you what might happen, not what will. So just keep that in mind, and if you do take this journey be sure that you are watching for triggers that could help warn you if your husband is not receiving this change well.

Some of the signs or “stressors” to watch for include:

- re-experiencing the event. This is the main characteristic of PTSD and it can happen in different ways. Most commonly the person has powerful, recurrent memories of the event, or recur-rent nightmares or flashbacks in which they re-live their distressing experience. The anniversary of the triggering event, or situations which remind them of it, can also cause extreme discomfort.

- Avoidance and emotional numbing . The first occurs when people with PTSD avoid encountering scenarios which may remind them of the trauma. Emotional numbing generally begins very soon after the event. A person with PTSD may withdraw from friends and family, they may lose interest in activities they previously enjoyed and have difficulty feeling emotions, especially those associated with intimacy. Feelings of extreme guilt are also common.

- In rare cases, a person may enter dissociative states, lasting anywhere from a few minutes to several days, during which they believe they are re-living the episode, and behave as if it is happening all over again. This category of symptoms involves changes in sleeping patterns and increased alertness. Insomnia is common and some people with PTSD have difficulty concentrating and finishing tasks. Increased aggression can also result.

- People with PTSD may develop a dependence on drugs or alcohol. They may become depressed. It is not uncommon for another anxiety disorder to be present at the same time as PTSD. As well, dizziness, chest pain, gastrointestinal complaints and immune system problems may be linked to PTSD. These are often treated as self-contained illnesses; the link with PTSD will be revealed only if a patient volunteers information about a traumatic event, or if a doctor investigates a possible link with psychological trauma. Which in this case, he has.

I am sure that you have been told all of this already, but it is important that I included it in case you had never been told anything about your husbands disease. It is very difficult as well to deal with another persons sicknesses and in that you may think about entering a support group or therapy of your own. It could help you discover new things about yourself, your life and what you can do or can’t do for your husband and why. Just a suggestion.

I really hope that you can choose and have everything that you want and desire for an outcome. I hope your husbands mental health improves and that you can both lead the lives of happiness that you are both entitled too. Let us know how you decide, and if you need anything just write.

Good Luck Tara.

~Xmichra

Dear Anonymous,

This may the hardest letter I’ve ever had to address. Why? Well because I can relate completely, as I was in this exact scenario. As well, I can see it from both sides as I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD with HyperVigilance. I am not in group counseling sessions right now but I do take the meds, Neurontin ( Gabapentin use for PTSD) as well, I see my Doctor once a month.

I know what’s going on, I do believe, in your head as well. You feel the need, to be complete, you must do this. To be who you need to be, in life, you need this, huh? Been there, done it.

I do imagine you’ve weighed everything out? In the event that you’ve not, I will help play Devils Advocate and throw out some things just from experience;

If you join the Armed Forces, the hardest part, possibly is getting through Basic Training. They will push you till your breaking point. There will be times you will want to fall over dead, feeling like dead may be easier. They will test your endurance and often times, women are pushed almost harder or so it feels. There are no powder puff situations, no tears will get you through it. All those years where you may have been cut some slack because you are a woman are thrown out the door and the exact opposite will happen. Yes, for a woman to make it in the Military, you must be a special breed.

I do believe and it has been proven that women are best under pressure but there will be situations that your sexuality will be thrown in your face. It will be held against you and you will be taunted with it and because of it. There’s no turning back either. Those big mean boys will test you too. They know they can and they will, I do promise you that. Nope, there’s no turning back once you’ve signed those papers. Your ass now belongs to the Army, Marines, Navy or Air Force. It’s no joke, I’m telling you.

After a forced march, full pack, you’ll wish the hell you could just die and get it over with. You’ll learn to eat in minutes, shower in less, evacuate, in seconds and forget thinking that your Period will give you permission to go easy. Nope there’s no such thing as a handicap or weakness. You will be pushed to your absolute limit and damned if it doesn’t seem like you feel singled out just when your…
Aunt Mary comes to visit, if you know what I mean?

Say good-bye to the kids and calling them just when you need them the most. You know those little hugs, the tiny kisses that get you through another day? Kiss them good-bye and forget their goopy grins cause you’ll not see them for quite some time. Yes, you will miss countless happenings, new events, recitals, and too many “Firsts,” to mention. You’ll sit on an Aircraft Carrier wondering how the kids are? You’ll be in a Cargo plane, turbulence so hard, you think your teeth will crack if they hit together one more time, thinking about whether or not they are being loved like only you can love them? You’ll be on alert to go where ever and not allowed to leave the base, ruck sac packed, waiting to leave and you can’t call home because of security. Then when you do write, you can’t tell them where you are or what you’re doing really as you gotta keep it on the “QT.”

The sand is hot, in your crotch rubbing you raw. Your feet are blistered and nobody gives a shit about the fact that it hurts like hell, you gotta push on. The food tastes like crap and there’s no running to the Canteen thinking you’ll pick up a nice slice of cheesecake when you crave it.

Just stuff to think about. Just from experience.

Maybe think about first joining the National Guard. Here are the requirements. Many service men/women join the Guard after their initial tour of duty. As well, this may afford you to be home but get some service in. Know that in this war time, they can and do ship out the National Guard.

To answer your question, are you being selfish? I don’t think the correct word is selfish. I can understand waiting and wanting to be who you need to be. I also know there were so many things I still wanted to do but now am too old. I know that feeling of, “I wish I had,” and the old, “I coulda had a career.” I must add that the most important job you have in this life, you chose already. Did you realize this when you had all four children? I mean I must say it like it is. If you had planned as you’ve stated yourself, that you wanted to join the Military, should you have had 4 children only to leave them? Selah

I am torn in my thoughts, a conflicting mess and always have been. I can only ttell you from experience. If you join the Military, leaving your babies with a man who stumbles because of his PTSD, you must be held accountable for this. PTSD is very real. It is a real situation. I speak on this only from experience. I can not help when I get these panic attacks, they come on when I least expect it and I’m ready to fight.

My suggestion, before you do anything else is to research PTSD, so you may make an educated decision. Those that do not suffer from the symptoms often do not have Empathy, when it comes to really understanding the entirety, the very real feelings this disorder brings about, upon the person who is afflicted with it. While you may have some compassion for your husbands disorder, you obviously do not have empathy and yes, there is a difference between empathy and compassion. See, with empathy you would be able to understand the real feelings. You lived the feeling, you know the panic when you hear a sudden loud noise and you are in combat stance, like it or not.With compassion you simply think to yourself, “Well, his disorder is not nice,” but you actually can’t put yourself in his shoes. It’s like a man knows you are in pain when you’ve gone in to labor but he’ll never ever understand how truly painful it is. He might have compassion but he can never have empathy.

Ask yourself if you will really only be defined as a person if you join the Service. Believe me, I do have empathy for you, in this regard. No one wants to grow old and think, “Yep, I coulda done this,” or have a clear case of the, “I Wish I Had’s.”

I offer you to look inside yourself and really ask what defines you. I know part of this involves proving to yourself that you can do this. Determination is the one key, self reliance is the other. In the event that you do follow through with this, will it define you? Will it really make you, who you are? I understand all these factors and ask you to look beyond, all the way from point A to point Z. Play the tape all the way to the end and what will be the outcome.

Finally, I will remind you of this and give you food for thought;

I am who I am;

I am who you think I am

I am who I think I am

I am who I really am

Who are you and what defines you? Only you can answer this.

I wish you only the best

I sure hope you’ll keep us informed as to your choice. You have a lot to consider.

Keeping It Really Real,

Aunt Babz

National Guard? 1(800)Go-GUARD

Military.com (PTSD)

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What Defines You???

In Armed Forces, Compassion, Empathy, National Guard, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on February 5, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi, I really don’t know what to do?

Here is the situation.I have been wanting to join the military for many years now and my husband

keeps making excuses for waiting and stupid me I have listened. Now I am 12years into this marriage with four small children and he has been diagnosed

with severe post traumatic stress syndrome.

Please I just need to hear what someone has to say outside

the situation.

THANKS ANONYMOUS

Dear Anonymous,

Some of the signs or “stressors” to watch for include:

Good Luck Tara.

~Xmichra

Dear Anonymous,

I know what’s going on, I do believe, in your head as well. You feel the need, to be complete, you must do this. To be who you need to be, in life, you need this, huh? Been there, done it.

I do imagine you’ve weighed everything out? In the event that you’ve not, I will help play Devils Advocate and throw out some things just from experience;

Just stuff to think about. Just from experience.

Finally, I will remind you of this and give you food for thought;

I am who I am;

I am who you think I am

I am who I think I am

I am who I really am

Who are you and what defines you? Only you can answer this.

I wish you only the best

I sure hope you’ll keep us informed as to your choice. You have a lot to consider.

Keeping It Really Real,

Aunt Babz

National Guard? 1(800)Go-GUARD

Military.com (PTSD)

▶ Comment

Friends First & Foremost

In Friends First, Future Husbands, Personal Relationships, Proom Nite on February 3, 2008 at 4:12 pm

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hello! I have a problem and I’ve went to several people but all of them say the same thing, and I wanted to see if you think something different. I am a Junior in High School so I get to go to prom this year

But I have a little problem. I still haven’t found a date and prom is only a couple months away. I figured I would ask a friend because most of the time I hear it’s way more fun to go with a friend instead of a boyfriend. So I decided I wanted to go with 1 of 4 guys. Dustin, Tubz, Sausage, or Q-Tip. It’s kinda funny that all of them have nicknames except Dustin.lol Anyway I’m gonna describe each of the guys and I really need help on figuring out which one to ask.

Dustin- He’s really sweet and funny. He is probably the cutest of the bunch. I dont really base who I want to go with on looks. Back during last summer he actually helped me through a little trouble I was having with another guy. We used to talk all the time. But then the semester changed and I never see him unless I go shopping and he is working. I’d say it’s been about a month since the last time I saw him.

Tubz- Mostly all my friends are saying me and him would make a very cute couple. They mostly say either him or Dustin. He’s also sweet and tries to be funny. I talk to him on the internet nearly every night. We have some of the strangest conversations.lol He will pick on me and I’ll pick on him right back. One of my friends said that it looked a lot like flirting. But the both of us have said before that we get on each other’s nerves too bad to date.

Sausage- He is on our football team. He is a sweet and caring person. He is outgoing most of the time. He will talk to anyone at school. If you didn’t already know he played football by the way he acts, you probably would never have guessed.

Q-Tip- He can be sweet if he tries. He plays basketball and football. He goes to church with me and we email each other a lot. He goes to a different school, and the school he goes to is our football teams biggest rival. If I was to ask him his sister would end up thinking that something is up that truly isn’t.

Those are the 4 guys I have to choose from and ask to the prom. I honestly have no idea who I would have the most fun going to prom with. Please help me.

Dear Reader, Even under the guise of going with a friend, the best, all time lasting relationships start out as friends first. After all, if you are not friends first and you base your relationship upon the premise that the guy is a hotty and you get nothing else, you will find yourself in an empty situation. Even if it’s simply for the night of the Prom, you’ll want to go with the guy who is fun to be with, makes you giggle and probably knows you best. He knows you best because, although he’s not hit on you directly, he has spent a good portion of his time, getting to know you.

You need a guy who makes you laugh, one you can talk to, the kind that you two, never run out of stuff to say and talk about. Yes, it has to be a guy who enjoys your company, the heck with looks. Remember this, as they are words to base your future, a guide when considering a serious relationship.

Sure, money is wonderful, when considering a serious prospect for marriage but you can never base your relationship on this either. Many a gold digger married for money and found empty promises. Now, I know I am jumping way, way forward but while I have your attention, I might as well make you think, huh?

You have always struck me as a good girl, a young lady with strong Spiritual values. You should as well, base your choices on a fella that shares your spiritual beliefs, too. It is only one night, going to Prom, right? But going to Prom is a memory builder. When you are my age, you’ll want to look back fondly, on that night. The memories will be retained, if you have a good time, stay safe, (No driving with anybody that’s been drinking. You must have a zero tolerance for this ideology), dance, laugh, capping the night off with a big smile. I doubt it’ll be remembered if you went with a good looking guy with nothing else to offer. I mean, what girl doesn’t love an Eye Candy kinda guy on her arm? But the memories will be just that, that you went with a good looking guy.

Base your decision on the most well rounded, most enjoyable fella and you’ll retain those memories, closest to your heart.

My first thought is or would be to pick Tubz, as he seems to enjoy your company or at least in chats and so on, the most. But if you could find a guy, maybe later on, that is a combination of Tubz and Q-Tip, well, you’ve got the making for a sound recipe for a future husband. But for now, I think I agree with Xmichra and vote for Tubz.

I would certainly enjoy hearing what your final choice is. I’d also love to hear how things go. I would Pray-n-Pick!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

I would ask Tubs. I mean, lets face it you have already made the choice that this is going to be a friend thing and not a boyfriend thing. And he seems like the best candidate given the descriptions. OH, and good on you for asking!!! Hope you have a great night! ~Xmichra~

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Aunt B

Aunt B-It’s Free!

Archive for February, 2008

Allow Yourself Closure

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On Front Street

On Front Street

I Will Be Gone

Right to Happiness

Moving Time; Delays

Quality Not Quantity

Ones Own Trap???

Let Mz. Karma Bitchslap Do Her Job

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Let Mz.Karma Bitchslap Do Her Job

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Be That Woman

Thursday, January 10, 2008

That Woman

Never Lose Sight of What is Right

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Never Lose Sight of What is Right…

I Will Be Gone

Choose To Be You

Quality Not Quantity

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It’s An Awkward Age

It’s An Awkward Age

What Defines You??

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