Archive for October, 2007

You Hold the Key

In Father-Daughter Molestation, Incest, Molestation, Mom's Behavior, Ultimate Betrayal on October 27, 2007 at 5:12 pm

Saturday, October 13, 2007

You Hold The Key

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I am really stuck. My mother has been seeming a bit depressed lately, so I am having to take care of myself for a while. I am okay with that, but my father has been taking advantage of her, so she just usually sits in her room all day. My father won’t let me talk to my peers, and anyone really. He started to home school me about three months ago. I was never allowed a phone at all, or a computer. The one I am using is for school work only. If I get caught using it for anything else except school work I am in big trouble. My father hits me all the time, but he calls it disipline so I am not sure if it is legal or not. I can’t call the police, because my father says it costs $150 and I can’t pay that. He forces me to sex with him and his friends sometimes, even when I am only 13 years old. My father always told me that since I was his daughter he was allowed to do whatever he wanted with me whenever he wanted to. It just bothers me a lot and I am not sure what I should do.

Signed, Bothered and Confused

Dear Bothered & Confused,

I am more than concerned for you. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you everything’s gonna be ok. I can’t stand the thought of you going through this. We will do everything, within our power to help you, just say the word. We will always be hear for you and yes, Xmichra, Soulseer and myself, are all willing to help you, you just need to extend your hand and grab hold.

No, the things your Father is doing are not right, morally or legally. It is against the law, for him to hit you and it does not cost a thing, to call the Police, I don’t care where you live. But even worse, the sexual assault is appalling and wrong. It is so wrong, that he can and will go to Prison for a long time, if he is caught. It is against the law and it sickens me, to think he’d subject you to this, not to mention having sex, with his friends.

If all you say is true, what he is doing by home schooling you, I believe is called, “Isolation.” He is keeping you away from the world and your outlet and resources for two reasons; to guard his nasty, dirty secret and to keep you in a state of helplessness and panic, where you feel you need him. To survive, of course you need him or so it may seem.

I was raped, so I do have an idea, how you feel. Maybe, you think you deserve it or he has the right cause he’s your Dad? He doesn’t and the law says he doesn’t, society says he doesn’t

Maybe, you love your Father? Maybe, you don’t realize just how wrong it is, exactly what he is doing to you? It is more than wrong and the worst of the worst but it is not your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong and I hope you realize this.

Now, it’s fairly simple; You can call the Police, in your area and they will immediately remove you from the situation. They will be more than willing to help you. You just need to make the call. Yes, what he is doing is wrong, it’s illegal and as I said, it is morally wrong.
If you can not call, You can email me your address, which I will not make public, of course and I will send the Police/Authorities for you.

Is it possible, that he hits your Mom too? Is it possible that he is hurting your Mom, in some way? You say she’s depressed and I have to wonder why? Is it possible that he is being mean to her too? Does she know about all this, he does? If she has any idea, it may be she feels helpless in the situation.

We always have choices, my Dear, always. You can make the choice to change this situation and I guarantee, your life will change, with just one phone call or by sending me your address. In turn, this may also help your Mother? I mean, if he’s been hurting her, as well, you hold the key to unlocking that power over you both. Use the key. Yes, use the key and email me your address.

I have already spoken to the Authorities here. They’d be glad to help you and your Mother and will gladly refer you or do whatever it takes. One phone call and they will come and remove your Dad. Just that quick. Make the choice to help, you and your Mother and to end this awful thing, he’s doing to you.

You may think that you love your father? I don’t know? But what he is doing, to you, is so wrong that, it would take only one phone call and they would come and arrest him. If he loved you, he would not, could not do this to you. No, as your father, he never has the right to touch you and it is more than wrong, as well, for him to allow his friends to have sex with you. Please listen to me; It is so wrong.

It is all up to you now. As I said, you hold the key to your freedom. You hold the key to helping your Mother as well. Send me your address and within 24 hours or less, it’ll all be over. No more hurt, no more pain, no more sexual molestation. let me help you, please?

If you are unsure or you need to think about it, I am always here for you, no matter what. You can call my machine (631)292-5005 or you can email me and I promise to help you. Send me your address and I will take care of the rest.

It is a felony for him to molest and rape you and all those, that have had sex with you, will also be arrested, jailed and thrown in Prison. What they are doing is wrong and beyond despicable. I pray you don’t get pregnant or catch a life threatening disease such as AIDS/HIV. This would only compound this tragedy.

If your Father loves you, he wouldn’t harm you as he is. He may not even realize that what he is doing, is so wrong. I have a feeling he does know but doesn’t care. He is lying to you and himself, if he says or thinks that what he is doing is right or even within his rights, as your father.

I will say it again; you hold the key…use it. Call me, call the Police or email me right away and I will take care of the rest. I am here and will always be here for you.Please let me help you!!

Big Love,

Aunt Babz

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Xmichra said…

Dear Bothered and Confused:

Your letter has me extremely worried. If this is happening to you, I can tell you for certain that you need to seek help and fast.

First of all I would like to point out that it costs nothing to call the police. NOTHING. You are under the age of majority, which means that any cost (legal or otherwise) would be covered from your state/province/etc from anything that would come of this. You would be protected, and that is the whole point. To gain protection.

You are right to be concerned about your mother, if she is indeed in a depressed state, she needs help as well. And not the kind a letter from us can help. She will need medical attention, and I think that you know this and want to help her. So when you seek help, make sure to take note of this, because she needs you as much as you need her.

Making another thing absolutely clear, you are not a possession. Your father doesn’t own you, and cannot treat you the way that he has. It is a crime to do what he has done, regardless of your age. You are your own person, and you do not have to be touched by ANYONE if that is what you want. You could be 13 or 113, makes no matter. If you are not wanting that type of touching, it is illegal. In your case it is also child abuse because of your age, and that is also a crime. You need to seek help from the authorities as quickly as you can. Do not be afraid, they will help you.

If you need more advice as to who you need to talk too, then babs and I will need a little more detail as to where you live (as in country, region, etc) so that we can tell you where you need to go exactly. We have promised that all letters be confidential on this site, but if you need more help and need someone, we are here for you. We will not post anything further, and we will work with you to get the help you need. Please take this advice, and make sure that you are protecting yourself. You need help, and we can help you if you let us.

Wishing You the Best,

Xmichra
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Soulseer Said…

Hey there,

My Mom (BABS,Aunt B) are very concerned about your situation .The question is ,do you need help getting out? Because there is limitless help available ,Ya just gotta reach out & take that helping hand.I understand your feelings .I too was molested several times .Know one thing ,if anything IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can get in contact with Mom barbwiremre@optonline.com or Me anytime soulseer@verizon.net

Please if you need help ,let us know ,we can protect you & get you out of that hell you live in .We’ll pray for you Hun.Remember ,it’s not a burden or an inconvenience for us to talk to you.

Blessing & Bliss, Lee

http://www.myspace.com/soulseerlee

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The Icing On The Cake

In MARINOL®, Marijuana, Marijuana and Pain, Personal Accountability, Personal Relationships on October 27, 2007 at 4:35 pm

Thursday, October 4, 2007

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I am a homecare worker for a disabled man who uses a glass vase like apparatus to smoke marijuana every day (never while I am present). About two weeks ago, I brushed up against it and a little glass tube thingy fell out and shattered on the floor. I was very apologetic and offered to replace it. Since I have never bought drug paraphernalia before, my boss instructed me on where to go to get one in the area that I live. He also asked me to buy a second one for him, which I fully expected him to pay me for, since I believe that I was only obligated to purchase a replacement. Although it was highly embarrassing for me I made the purchase and I brought two to him the next day, and then the day after that, he emailed me that the bowl shaped ends of the tubes were too small, and he asked me to go to a different shop to purchase a larger ones. I emailed him back asking if I could pick up the first two and try to exchange them for larger ones at the first shop, since I had already spent $18 and I don’t really have a lot of extra money. He seemed annoyed at my request (obviously I was hampering his usage) but he agreed, although wrote that he had already used one of them. So the next day I was in (the following Tuesday) I took the unused one with me and tried to return it to the first shop. They refused to return or exchange it, something I figured might happen. My boss wrote to me that it was becoming a nuisance now, so I asked for the name of the second shop, and after work the next day I drove there, bought a larger one, and drove back to drop it off to my boss. On my way out the door he called out to me to purchase a second one again, but I thought, no way, if I buy two again and they’re again not the right size, then I could be stuck with the bill for those two as well. Since dropping off the second purchase, he has texted me to say that it is the correct size and thank you, but has not offered any extra reimbursement. I felt a little frustrated at this point and so admitted the whole thing to my husband, who said that if I had been stopped by the police I could have gotten in trouble for having drug paraphernalia in my possession (I had a piece of the original broken tube with residue in it for comparing size), and who agrees with me that I should only be responsible for paying for one replacement (at $9), and should request that my boss reimburse me $18 for the other two. Honestly, I know I won’t have the guts to ask my boss for this, and the wimpy side of me says that I created the error in the first place by being clumsy and breaking something, and therefore I am obligated to rectify the situation at my cost. However, there is another little demon sitting on my other shoulder saying, wait a sec, he asked for the second one and it’s not your fault that they weren’t the correct size and that the store refuses to return or exchange them. I have started looking for a new position and will most likely leave my job over this. It has created uncomfortable tension between me and my boss.

What do you think?

Perplexed /

Dear Perplexed,

This is enough to piss off a Preacher, huh? I immediately want you to know, that I do, wholeheartedly, side with you on this.

For starters, I think taking responsibility for the accident was kind of you and probably the right thing to do. I feel that paying for one pipe, was fair and fitting. Beyond this, I think he’s taking advantage of you and used the situation and your guilt associated with it, to his advantage. That alone, doesn’t sit too well with me.

Now, I have an extensive drug past, notice the word “past,” meaning, I’ve been out of the loop for some time now. I say this, to point out the fact that I’m no novice but even I would be quite uncomfortable, a bit iffy, buying a pipe/bong thingy. It’s quite possible that your boss, seeing how he’s in that loop, might not understand how you kind of went way out of your way for him or your trepidation, purchasing the pipes, over and over. But even setting that aspect aside, I do feel that it’s not fair of him, to expect you to foot the bill for all his requests. Actually, I find it down right under handed and wrong. As I said before, I think he’s clearly taken advantage of your good nature and kindness, not to mention your guilt for inconveniencing him. Poor baby, couldn’t get his freak on, huh?

Looking at things from a medical stand point, there is validation concerning the pain properties, in the medicinal proclivity of smoking pot. HIV/AIDS patients report that it’s a great help in their pain. As well, those experiencing side effects from Chemo, say they receive great benefit from this drug. They also take MARINOL® capsules, their primary ingredient is THC and it helps with pain and is an appetite enhancer. This may be a more conclusive answer, for your patient? He needs only to speak with his treating Physician, as this is a better choice, safer and more convenient.

I can see you’ve had enough and this was just the icing on the cake. I suggest that you write up a receipt for the additional pipes and sit it appropriately somewhere where he will see it. If at that point he doesn’t get the picture, it’s because he doesn’t want to get the picture. I’d put the total there, with any receipts you might have and clearly add it up, so he gets the balance, minus the cost of the first pipe.

I hate to say it but you do have him at a clear disadvantage. If he does not have a medical prescription for smoking, he is doing it illegally. If the subject is broached, after you’ve given him the bill for the pipes, you need only to make him painfully aware, that you are concerned because this is illegal and you risked being arrested yourself, for trying to help him and being nice enough to replace a pipe you broke accidentally.

If he can’t grasp the situation, after saying all that and presenting him with the bill, then is a clear case, proving, why maybe, the smoke has gone to his brain, damaging it permanently, (insert hysterical laugh here). Get out before it rubs off!

Xmichra Said…

Dear Perplexed,

Total agreement with Babs.

I would like to ask, is this a legal use? Because, and i am just going by things up here, if it was for medical use they actually provide implements to smoke the MJ. Also, if it is leagal, and he did break a pipe, he can collect reimbursment through medical coverage for medical supplies.

So, the reason i am asking, is that if it was legal.. you are looking at a cost of nine bucks which is totally refundable. And it was not only unfair to ask you to go and get supplies like this, but illegal. your husband was right on that.

What SHOULD have happened in a legal sittuation, was that you pay him the nine bucks (which BTW is REALLY nice), he collect the merchandise and the reimbursment, and then he in turn PAY YOU BACK. that’s how i see it. Yes you broke the thing, but it was an accedent, and it wasn’t something that couldn’t be replaced.

If it is illegal use, that letter might be a great idea, but i would photocopy the receipts. Nothing says ‘not guilty’ like lack of evidence. and if you are going to nail this guy for taking advantage of you (and that’s what it is really about, not 27 dollars) then you need to excersize a bit of restraint.

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Like A Butterfly…

In Abusive Relationships, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence on October 27, 2007 at 2:11 pm

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I had written to you about seven months ago about my violent husband who beats me up. I decided to leave the marriage shortly after that and have been living on my own and enjoying my life. My husband made several attempts to convince me to go back to him but i refused. However today he sent me an e-mail saying that he is leaving the country for good. He has already made travel arrangements and will be leaving next week. When i read that email i cried. Even my workmates wondered what was wrong with me. I felt so sad to know that he was leaving and that i will never see him again. I know he is leaving because i refused to go back and i feel so guilty about it. It hurts so bad and i am just wondering why i feel this way. A part of me feels like holding him in my arms and telling him that everything is ok and that we will be together again. But the truth is that i know him very well and know that he will hit me again. Aunt B please advise me. I don’t want to go back to the violent marriage but at the same time i don’t want to hurt the way i am hurting inside. Why am i so sad??? We have been separated for six months… Why am i feeling the pain now that he says that he is leaving? I thought i should be happy now that i will be free from any abuse but i feel so bad. Please tell me Aunt B…is this normal? Will i get over it? Will i ever find real love? Please reply on this e-mail address.

Thanks

Dear Friend,

I do remember you and it’s good to hear from you. I’m glad you were able to break free and I’m quite proud of you, as I know how hard it really was.

What you’re feeling, well, I believe it to be quite normal. Of course, you feel guilty and you question, every good feeling you have for your husband. You ask yourself, if you’re insane or what? But the fact of the matter is this; You didn’t fall out of love with your husband and leave him, for that very reason. No, you left him because of his abusive behavior.

Unless you’re a robot, I don’t know anybody that can turn love on and off. Yes, there are people out there, that seem to just float in and out of love, so easily. They seem to bounce back from a doomed relationship, as well. I’m even envious, to some extent, to their devil may care attitude. I’ve often wished I was like that but when it comes down to the real deal, I’d never trade my passion for their lack off. Of course, those of us, you and I, who feel to the 9th degree, love to the core, embrace life with all the fiber of our being, are usually the ones who are really living life, to the fullest. Unfortunately, we’re also the ones who can feel the deepest pain.

So, I can completely understand your despair, when it comes to all these emotions, concerning your husband. However, I hope you can see the blessing wrapped up, neatly with a bright bow and future. I truly believe, that along with your husbands departure, the beginning of an unusual and fulfilling life will begin. It may take you a minute to get over him, leaving but the sooner that you do, the sooner the life will begin again.

I happen to know that your husband wants you back and that is exactly what you want to hear. You know it and I know it. You must tell yourself, be realistic with yourself, to the fact that while he may truly love you, his kind of love brings only pain. Unless, he seeks serious counseling, I will bet my life, on the fact that he will hit you again and if he doesn’t hit you, he will put you in your place. You are a challenge to him, which he’d never admit. For everything, that he was attracted to you for, it was equally the exact things, that made him want to hurt you. He knows you’re smart and quite capable of loving or being loved by someone else. He wants you to rely on only him, yet you are independent, to such a degree, that it makes him crazy. It is this out going spirit that he loved but wants to break. Yes, he is a walking contradiction (So am I and want it on my tombstone).He loves you for your beauty and intelligence and yet is jealous, envious and will always feel he has to prove that he is the man, better than you and I could go on and on.

Suffice it to say, his brand of love, is twisted and wrong. I’ll say it again; He will not change, can not change, until such time, as he seeks serious counseling and treatment for his abusive behavior, his own baggage and values and beliefs. He must first, recognize that he has a problem. I do believe, if you were to throw him in jail, if he hit you tomorrow , it may curtail things for a minute but he’ll only be sorry he went to jail and not sorry for the behavior that landed him there. Nope, he’s got to re-learn his entire values and beliefs. That might take a life time, to re-learn, as it took a life time, to instill such behaviors. It can’t be undone, over night and it can’t change just because you want it to. I don’t discount the fact that it is possible for him to change but I hope you’ll remember, right here,right now, just how you felt, when he was hurting you. None of them hurt their loved ones on purpose, not usually and I don’t feel he ever did, you know, do it on purpose. If you asked him, he’d probably tell you, he couldn’t help it. I’d have to call him on it though. See, deep down inside, if he didn’t believe to some extent that he was justified in his behavior, he wouldn’t do it. No, he felt the need to teach you lesson, after lesson. He felt the need to put you in your place.

It’d sure be easy, for me to tell you, “Hey, get over it.” If I had a remote and could turn it off, for you, I surely would. I hope you can somehow, turn it off, though. I truly believe that you have a wonderful life waiting for you, once you can let him go. Once you lock down, that section of your heart, a new section will open. It will be pink and pretty, not scarred and black, like that old area. Your persona will change and people, men in particular will be able to see that pink. Yes, the right guy is waiting to meet you, once you make this transformation.

All things happen for a reason. Like a butterfly, you must go through the painful process of transformation. But the you, that comes out of the other side will be an altruistic, life loving, lovely lady. Mark my words, the guy who’ll recognize, all this in you, yes, he is waiting.

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One Choice

In Father-Daughter, Infidelity on October 27, 2007 at 11:43 am

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B.,

I went to go use the computer today and my dad left his screen name up by accident. There was an Instant Message from some woman calling him baby. Since he had left it up by accident basically all it said was Why aren’t you talking? Are you angry, Baby? I don’t really know what to think of this, but the only people in my life I call “Baby” are relatives and significant others. My father is still married to my mother, the only problem is he has cheated on her before. I don’t know whether I should confront him about this or just go straight to my mother? Please Aunt B. what should I do?

Dear Friend,

I imagine you feel like you’re in a bit of a pickle, huh? You must be careful, lest this all backfires on you.

I don’t know how close you are with your Dad? If you are close enough to confront him, speak to him about this, I would. You might even write him a letter, telling him what you know and suspect and tell him to do the right thing by your Mother or you will/must tell her what you know. By doing this, it gives him the option of going to your Mother and making things right.

I feel, if you confront him yourself, he would probably deny it anyway. By writing him and telling him, what you know, this might give him a chance to evaluate the situation and come clean, end that relationship or to go to your Mom and be honest.

If you go to your Mom, with this info, your Father will forever resent you, it would be a natural course in behavior. If you write him and only give him the option to go and be honest, with your Mom, he will be forced to handle it on his own. Make him aware that he has this chance to take care of business or you, out of love and loyalty to your own Mother, be forced to brief her on the matter at hand.

I would make it clear to Dad, in that letter, that he is wasting his breath by telling you that nothing is going on, so he has but one choice and that is to do the right thing.

Let him know, that you love him but you love your Mother as well and what he is doing is down right dirty. He can make it right on his own or you will.

Wishing You the Very Best,

Aunt Babz

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Food for Thought

In Food Issues on October 27, 2007 at 11:18 am

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

I was wondering if you could possibly help me? im not sure if you deal with things like this.
i am 18 years old. im a dress size UK 16 and wiegh around 12-13stone.
i think i have an eating disorder and i think it started when my parents broke up when i was 4!
when my parents split up i lived with my mum and ate whatever i liked..crisps, biscuits, chips..all bad things but when i stayed with my dad he sat me at the table and forced me to eat vegatable , fruit ect.. he would sit me they untill i swallowed it. i would cry and throw up everytime.
now as you problery guessed my problem is i CANT eat fruit, veg, fish ect.. and its embarresing that people think im stupid and a fussy eater, people try to take me out to dinner and they order just normal food and i have to order off a kiddies menu!
its eefecting my health, wieght, and my whole life and im so desperate for help! no body understands, apart from my mum who does nothing at all to help and my boyfriend who is very understanding but doesnt help me either.
im not doing this to loose weight or anything like that although i should loose abit of weight as im slightly overweight, but i want to be normal and just plain happy with myself and my life. please please help me in anyway that you can. i dont really know how you reply but it would be grately gratley appreciated if you would reply via email.
thank you Ashley

Dear Ashley,

I was going to go into the semantics of size vs confidence, and what you could do (once I converted the stones to pounds so that I could better understand your situation)… but instead, after writing a page and a half reply, I looked over the initial reply and decided to answer you a different way. Why, you might ask, would I go through a reply and then admittedly tell you that I went another way with it… but the answer is this: weight is actually not the issue here. It is a symptom of something more, and something that I do truly understand.

The issue at hand is purely emotional and evolved into a resentment and dislike of certain foods due to traumatic experiences in your life. Let me explain my own situation before I will get into what I think will help you.

See, my parents split up when I was rather young (I think I was eight) and I had pretty much the same thing with food and parental choice as you, except that I was living with my mother and eating primarily healthy foods.. and when my father would have visitation I got to have the chance to have ‘fun’ things like taco’s and chips and pizza. My mother would do the same thing essentially as your father did. You did not move from that kitchen table until you were in front of a clear plate. Of course, in my situation, my mother was very broke financially speaking and what ever she put out in front of my brother and I was not to be taken lightly. It was her breaking her back to provide for us… so if we didn’t eat what was there for supper, guess what was there for breakfast the next morning? You got it, the previous nights dinner. And on and on this cycle went, where I was forced to eat foods that I deemed a punishment (which were in reality the best thing that my mom could have provided) and given free reign at my fathers with junk. Naturally, I preferred the free reign and yummy badness of salt and sugar and fat.

Now, I am 31. And to this day I cannot eat certain things.. like cantaloupe, cauliflower and most fish. I hate them, and will not eat them, and avoid getting into social functions where I may be forced to eat these things out of respect.

But, I did realize that I was avoiding foods that were good for me because of the emotional attachment I had to these foods. Sometimes it was very hard to eat things like blueberries when I had been forced to eat these things as a luxury item that I should be thankful for and made to eat. Instead of something that most people associate with a fun picnic and a treat. To me, it was torture. And I knew that I had to fix this problem before I got far to set in my ways (as most of us tend to do).

When I was 19, I decided that I would try absolutely everything over again. I was not living at home, and I knew that foods would taste differently prepared different ways. So that was what I did. I started out small, and with the really essential “good foods” that I couldn’t stand. Broccoli, peas, carrots, corn, strawberries, salads, all the good stuff. And I found that if prepared certain ways, I absolutely loved them, and it wasn’t attached to some bad memory from when I was a kid, it was a fresh new experience because I hadn’t had that item made that way before. For an example, my mother would always boil broccoli and put a cheese sauce on it (low fat sauce which was really yucky and still Is I might add!). So I tried the broccoli that was steamed and with Soya Sauce on it. It was great! And I had no idea. Then I tried it with asparagus and a white wine sauce.. I found out that I truly disliked the asparagus, but to my delight I still loved the broccoli and I was out with a few friends and there was no pressure. I was buying my food and I could choose to discard it if I didn’t like it.

So I went on with that motive on food for YEARS. I am still in the process of trying not to like the junk food, something that is very hard to break, but I now know that if given my own time, my own decision and making no stigmas towards the food I am about to try.. that I will much more prepared to actually give it a fair shot. And to be fair, there were things that I really disliked (such as cantaloupe.. that stuff is foul) but I know that it is ME making the choice based on my taste and not an emotional side effect.

I will also tell you that I had absolutely no support on this, it was just me. Other people thought that I was nuts (like who doesn’t like steak but a vegetarian right??) but I decided that I needed to enjoy what food there was out there, and not be restricted anymore because of something that I could defiantly control.

I really do dislike the word “eating disorder” because I find that more often then not, the disorder is not actually food. It is the emotional and psychological stigma and attachment or abandonment that we have either decided on or had imposed on us which makes the disorder. We eat to be happy, we eat when we are sad, we eat when we are in need of energy, we don’t eat when we are grieving… there are so many reasons that we eat, and not a single one of those is something to make light of. But for me, the bottom line is that the WAY we choose to eat is a direct coalition of things that happen in our lives. And the only one who can change that, is you.

So, here is my advice.

You are 18. you have a long life to live, and you are right at the point where you are deciding what is best for you and this is a great sign. Do not think that this is some small thing, this realization that something has got to change. This is a great tool that your body has designed to help you grow into a positive and engaging woman.

You are right that this nature of eating will destroy your health, your weight and your life. And you are absolutely normal in the reasons that you dislike the foods you had mentioned. But now, you know, you need to change those habits into something that is controlled by you and is beneficial by you.

You can do two things to change here. You can do what I did and try new things out all the time. Something small and with something you like. For an example, get your chicken nuggets kids meal.. but skip the fries. You know that if you were to eat a plain apple you would gag, so try something else, like yogurt with granola in it. Something like that. Mix your foods up so that you are eating something you truly enjoy with something unknown. When was the last time that you ate a dragon fruit? Try that, and see if you like it. If you don’t, well don’t beat your self up about it.. just try something else at another time.

The other thing you can do, is to seek help from a dietitian or a health expert, like the people at weight watchers. They can not only include the foods that you like to eat in your normal routine, they can also tell you what a good range for eating is, and how much to consume at one sitting. That way you won’t feel deprived of the things that you really do enjoy eating.

It all comes down to what you want for your life. So you want to feel imprisoned and powerless for the rest of your life over something you can control? Or do you want to take this situation and make it suit your needs? Only you can answer this, and I have the utmost of belief that you want the later. And I know that you can do this, if you make an honest go of it, and remember that you control it all.

Let us know how you are doing, and what you decide to do. Take care and good luck!

~Xmichra~

Aunt Babz Said,

I think you only have a problem, if you feel you have a problem. Many of us, have strange quirks, which are the direct result of our childhood rearing and I am no exception, to the rule. I don’t drink when I eat and quite often, will continue eating, even when I am full because I was raised that we clean our plate before we can get up. My own list could go on and on. My only suggestion is to try some of those things but do it in a setting that is conducive to your well being, meaning, when you feel safe and in control. It is quite possible, that counseling, would be beneficial. But don’t think you’re alone, if nothing else, Xmichra and I can be in your Funny Food Eaters Club.

Wishing You the Best,

Aunt Babz

▶ Comment

Birthday Blues

In Behaving Immaturely, Holiday and Birthdays on October 23, 2007 at 2:09 pm

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hi Aunt B,i

I’m writing to you because i really need an intelligent opinion on something.i have this guy friend and we dont speak too often but a couple nights ago he actually called me basically to complain about me not giving him a call for his birthday.honestly i didnt think he deserved a call and i didnt even think he would notice because we dont keep regula contact with each other.my friends say maybe he was a bit hurt by it but i dont see how thats possible when we,re not even that close. so can you help me understand this?

Thanks,
Aleah.
Dear Aleah,

I have to say, I think his behavior was a bit immature and I do side with you, concerning this. In the first place, you owe him nothing, not even a Birthday wish. When we do give someone a Birthday wish, it’s not because we owe them, understand?

Your friend is not the only one who behaves badly, when their time comes around. I’ve seen it countless times and their demeanor is borderline ridiculous. I’ve see people who expect the day off for their Birthday and they expect everyone, to bend over backwards to point break.

I think this all stems from childhood and having Birthday celebrations. We, more or less teach our children, of course, that it’s their special day but that we should be treated in and with a celebratory tone. Some of us grow up, some don’t. Some still think, just as they did when they were children. Apparently, your friend has not matured to that level, where he realizes, hell it’s really just another day.Hey, it’s time to grow up!

Some of us, have different values and belief systems. Some of us take things, such as Birthday’s and holidays more seriously than others. I’ve known people, close to me, who’ll send you a card for every holiday, while I’m barely able to get Christmas cards every year. Now, you must respect their fervor for such things but they can’t expect you to have the same vim and vigor, when it comes to such matters.

I imagine, the only thing you can do or say to your friend, is that those things are not that important to you and you’d not realized that they were to him. You simply apologize for your faux paus and tell him, you’d hope he’d realize that you certainly never meant to slight him. Then, to nip it in the bud or make your point, you simply say, “I’ve not really celebrated Birthday’s since I grew up.” That will make him see, just how juvenile, he’s behaving, without you even appearing to imply it.

▶ Comment

Did You Let Go of the Reigns???; Continued

In Anger Management, Animosity and Anger, Hate, Working Through Anger on October 22, 2007 at 1:41 pm

We try to never leave you hanging. If our answer has not been helpful, we always welcome your feedback and response, as well as giving you the opportunity to reiterate your question. We’ll work with you, till we get an amicable answer to your question.

Such is the case with our Reader, known as “Von El.” After posting his answer, he wrote back that I had not answered his question. This is a continuation from the prior post, “Did You Let Go of the Reigns???“
He said;

thanks 4 answering my first question, hmm lets c, your answer does not help me at all,. i asked u how 2 get this girl out of my life, yet u talk about other things that has no use to me at all,, plain and simple how do i get it through the girl’s head i hate her so “uckin much and never contact me ,,, how the *uk do i make her realize that i dont want her in my life at all and 2 leave me alone ,, those r the only answers i seek,, me and her were good friends before and i wont get into the details but i will say this the *itch bak stabbed me 2 many times ,, i dont want anything 2 do with her,,, ,, so u can c where i am coming from,, and try not 2 judge me again because u really have no idea what type of person i am ,,,,, your advice?

I then asked permission to answer his question by publishing it? He then wrote an additional addition to his original email;

but also let me add other stuff 2 the new questions i have asked u and make more comments and u can also add them to post i have sent u because i want u 2 have all the details,

she and i used 2 hang out before and we became good friends, then things started 2 get sour between us, i was not the 1 who was doing it.. she started bak stabbing me, i let it slide, then she did it again, and then i let it slide again, and what u know she did it again, but this time it cost me my job, and every 1 i knew at work thought i was a evil person, a lot of people looked at me differently, the cops got involved,, my name is ruined, i mean what the heck man is this how u r suppose 2 treat your friends? then she moved out of state, i was very happy with that, i prayed day and night she wont ever come to the state where i am living, but then she started 2 send me friend requests through friendster and myspace, i cant *uckin stand the *itch at all, i hate her soooooooo much, i am not a bad person, i told her so many times i have changed i dont care about her at all, yet she thinks its all a joke,, i dont care if she wins by making me angry, i hate the *itch, plain and simple, oh my goodness, u have no idea how i “uckin hate her,, everytime i c her sending me stuff i feel more and more angry, i just want her out of my life, after what she has put through i just want her out of my life, i have no *uckin feeling 4 the *itch anymore, only hatred and anger, oh god how i hate the *itch,,

Dear Von-el,

Seems to me that you have already done what you can to be rid of this girl. Choosing who you are friends with on the pages, that is entirely up to you. In myspace, you can go here: http://www.askdavetaylor.com/how_do_i_delete_a_friend_from_myspace.html and it walks you through it.

If you want to delete a friend from Friendster do this: In order to delete a friend you must go to your own home page, select the ACTION Edit Friends, and then select the OBJECT of the Delete Friend action. This only saves clicks if

you’re deleting many friends at once (hopefully, this is not a very common operation!).

But on a totally different note, dude.. you need some therapy. Anger management is what it is called, and you are lacking in reason right now. What if this girl was to come and see you? What are you going to do then? My thought is in the rage that you are in towards her that you might not do what you would normally do.. but go off the depend. You need some serious help, and that is something that we cannot give you.

Babs was trying to tell you that the only way you can tell someone to leave you alone, is simply that. Tell them to leave you alone. You can’t bend peoples wills, or make them do exactly what you want. All you can do is state what you don’t want, which is contact from her. And quite plainly she was trying to address your problem, which is the anger issue you so evidently have.

And one other thing, and this is separate from the advice, because you do need the advice. But when people are asking a question about a harassing person in their lives, it helps not to take that tone yourself. You were being quite belligerent towards Babs and her offer of assistance. So maybe think about how you approach people, especially if you are asking for HELP (both solutions were easy enough to Google by the way).

~Xmichra

▶ Comment

Did You Let Go of the Reigns???

In Anger Managmement, Animosity and Anger, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices on October 19, 2007 at 11:07 am

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,
My problem is that there is this girl who i hate soooo much and she won’t leave me alone,, i cant stand her at all, i mean i hate this girl 2 death, it’s like when ever i c a message from her on friendster or myspace i feel like punching the wall, she ruins my day, and i am not a bad guy, i just want her 2 leave me alone, i have a myspace and friendster account, but she still sends me requests and jokes around even though i hate her with a passion,, i have never felt like this about anyone in my life , i wrote 2 myspace and friendster and they said just delete and block the profiles, but i do this everyday, i delete and she creates more and more, oh my goodness i hate her sooo much ,, i know this is soooo repetitive but like i said i feel like cursing in this email and i am sooo angry because i hate the *itch soooooo much … i dont know what to do,, even if i create another profile some how she always finds me,, u have no idea how hard this is 4 me 2 talk about her without cursing at the *itch,,,, *itch *itch,, i dont go anywhere online 4 example play games like i used 2 or chat because i know she is there all the time, soooooo madddddddddddddddddd,, i hate the *itch,, whats your adivce,, ?

thanks von-el

Dear Von-El,

Somehow, I know where you’re coming from. She grates your nerves, for whatever reason and it’s just making you crazy, right? She tried to contact you and it makes you nuts, you could spit nails, huh?

You will always meet and come across people, who will get under your skin. Let this be a good example of how to deal with this scenario or any others that just might roll down the pike…

This may or may not apply to you but let me point something out; The primary emotion, we allow ourselves, more so than any other is; Anger. I’ve meet people, as I’m sure you have, as well, that are just grouchy, nasty, mean spirited angry people. They’re every where, in nooks and crannies and we’re surrounded by them. Often times, those people will not experience joy, they barely laugh, if at all and they normally do not allow themselves to feel, much less cry. There only real/raw emotion; ANGER.

I happen to have been one of these “Angry” people. In many ways, my hate and anger was all consuming. It is one of the primary accelerators, when I was in the throes of my addiction. Anger kills…

You should take a long, hard look, at what it is, that places you, in that Anger Zone. Is it really her or is it you? I can answer that for you, though. It is you, you must own it and look at it. She may be the most annoying person, in the world but what is it that sets you off? I mean, I can clearly see, from your letter, that this girl gets deep down, under your skin. So, is it her, her persona or whatever? It really does not matter what it is, I simply want you to see if there’s a trigger point there or possibly what it is that spurs you on?

As I stated before, you will come across many, who will make you mad, your cause for mayhem. You will come across more that will set you off, in varying degrees. Every day, you will have cause for celebration or disdain and it is your choice, which you will embrace. All mushy stuff aside, you must learn to look for that cause for celebration, long before you look for the or act upon the disdain.

Yes, anger kills, as I’ve said. It is all consuming, spurs on road rage, hate crimes and the list is endless. On a personal level though, the person, who suffers the most for your anger, is you and you alone. Sure, it may seem gratifying to tell that guy to stick it where the sun don’t shine but it’s you that’s left in the dark clouds.

You must begin to see, that in every situation or instance, every day, you have choices as to how you will react. You must begin to see that you are the one who suffers, the most, when you are angry. But most of all and I must let you in on a little secret; When you become angry at someone else, you have actually given the reigns of power, over to that person, whom you are angry with. Whatever it is, they’re doing, that sets you off, you have given them a certain power over you. Did you realize this? I’d bet my butt, you didn’t cause I just know you’re the kinda guy, who likes to be in control, of yourself and your life.

Taking Back Control

It’s our little secret but I’d sure like to see you take back those reigns, you didn’t even know, you’d handed off. So, what can you do?

Well, my friend, you can begin to realize that every day, in every way, you’ll have choices, as to what will or will not set you off. You must begin to make a conscience effort to stay in control of you. Yes, you can be such a beast but normally, you’re on top of the program. You like things in order, all your ducks in a row and you hate surprises or change. Knowing this, just how you’re set in your ways, you’ll need to begin to incorporate the change, in your awareness, a little at a time. You’ll need to examine your subconscience triggers, what it is that takes you to that Anger Zone.

In all due reality, you could become angry with everybody and anybody, if you allowed yourself. You have little patience for the dumb shit, this I know. But you need to realize that not everybody’s on the same page as you and you need to give a little leeway, have a tad more compassion and begin to realize this very important premise;

Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit

Now, stop looking at this girl, as the foundation for your anger and start looking within yourself. Somehow, I just know, the thought, that you might possibly have allowed someone else, to take your power, will be like a punch in the kisser. But I won’t tell, if you don’t. Take back those reigns!

Keeping It real,

Aunt Babz

▶ Comment

Pick of the Litter

In Teen Issues, Young Adult Issues on October 16, 2007 at 11:13 pm

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi.

Currently I like this guy named Nate. He is my brother’s friend. They are 17,(seniors). I liked him for almost a year but recently my brother, Alex, has been saying thing, (Not as a joke, because i know when he is joking) hinting that Nate likes me. Well, It wasn’t long, I knew it would happen that he would eventually find out I liked Nate. He saw Nate today and I am almost positive he told him. I really am thinking right now he will ask me out. Well, I face a couple problems here….

If I date him….

He is 17, Im 15. My parents would not care, witch is good, because they love Nate. But it may be weird, and Nate acctually never had a real girlfriend before!

He is really smart, and I am too, but I am afraid he may want to disscuss things that I really don’t know about, and I don’t want to seem dumb, or ditsy.

Finally, and probablly the most obviuos one is He is my brothers best friend. I think right now if he herd we were dating (witch were are not, yet) he would be fine with it, but how weird would it be when Nates done with soccor practice, I finished Hockey Practice, and Alex finished Cross Contry Pratice and he gives both of us a ride home. OCWARD MUCH???? I totally think that type of situation would be unusally kaflka-esque.

Can you tell me, Should I just really not go there, or should I date Nate???? I dont know!!

HELP ME!!!!

Dear Friend,

Well, it comes down to what you are willing to risk really. Love is tricky that way. You can choose to date Nate and possibly have things all go wrong and have things be awkward for you and your brother… or things go great and there is nothing to lose. Or you can choose not to date Nate and possibly live with regret.

It is going to be awkward if you date Nate and hang out with your brother. It will be like that for awhile, but things mellow out. I had a friend in high school who dated a friend of her brothers, and she had the same sort of trepidation. But they worked things out.. where the guy had you time, your brother time, and everyone together time. Just so long as you remember that your brother has equal rights to time with his friend, and he realizes that you have equal rights to time with your boyfriend, it shouldn’t be so bad. But if you guys start to make a mess out of what should be an easy situation…. Well Nate will drop both of you like a bad habit. So make sure that you are respectful.

What is this stuff that you think that you will discuss that you won’t know about? Is it sex or other stuff, like nuclear fission? Because that is two totally different conversations.

If it’s about sex, I will tell you this, any guy worth his salt will wait until you do know, you can figure out what is right for you, and you have been able to make a decision based on your age and your willingness to accept consequences. And sex/sexual acts have a lot of consequences that aren’t readily talked about.. like the toll it can take when it is attached to your self worth. Or the fact that no matter how hard you try to make it not be about an age, 15 is young. And getting into sex too quickly can make things a very hard ride for the rest of your life. You have a good 60 years after that (lets hope) and you don’t want to have another regret on the table. So make sure that you not only have this conversation with someone you trust (like a doctor, or a school therapist, or an older friend) and make sure that you are ready to TALK about it first with whom ever you choose. Because that is where the real problem is. Not talking about sexually related things can get really messy.. especially if you feel like you were pushed to fast into anything.

Now, if you are talking about stuff that is just way above the normal intellect.. I can tell you for sure that you are selling yourself short. We all know a little about something. And if anyone cares for us, they will know the limit of our knowledge, and when to either a)teach us more or b)shut the hell up and talk about something else. Don’t ever be afraid of asking questions, or not knowing all the answers. You don’t have too know. But if you keep an open mind, you might gain a lot more knowledge then you ever would have.

The number one thing that I would look at, is if your brother is really okay with this. Don’t’ get me wrong, you will make your own decision on this.. but if your brother is not okay with it.. or seems uncertain, and you like your brother and value your friendship.. that might be something to really evaluate. Weather or not you think that this is going to be worth the effort. For some people, taking a risk like this is totally worth it, and they can live with the consequence but not regret. For others, this is just too much to have to handle and knows that they wouldn’t be able to handle a fall out or conflict.

So that is my question to you. Are you someone who can handle a bit of controversy, or do you not like to rock the boat? That is your answer there. If you were to know that if things weren’t to work out and that things would get messy… would you be up for the battle or down for the count? That will make your decision right there on whether you should date Nate.

Best of luck to you, let us know what you decided

~ Xmichra~

▶ View 2 Comments

You Hold The Key

In Father-Daughter Molestation, Incest, Molestation, Rape on October 13, 2007 at 1:10 pm

To read more pertaining to this post; Your Life
This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

Signed, Bothered and Confused

Dear Bothered & Confused,

Now, it’s fairly simple; You can call the Police, in your area and they will immediately remove you from the situation. They will be more than willing to help you. You just need to make the call. Yes, what he is doing is wrong, it’s illegal and as I said, it is morally wrong.
If you can not call, You can email me your address, which I will not make public, of course and I will send the Police/Authorities for you.

If you are unsure or you need to think about it, I am always here for you, no matter what. You can call my machine on 4/29/08(This number is disabled but you may write me at mzbabz@comcast.net)(631)292-5005 or you can email me and I promise to help you. Send me your address and I will take care of the rest.

I will say it again; you hold the key…use it. Call me, call the Police or email me right away and I will take care of the rest. I am here and will always be here for you.Please let me help you!!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xmichra said…

Dear Bothered and Confused:

Your letter has me extremely worried. If this is happening to you, I can tell you for certain that you need to seek help and fast.

Wishing You the Best,

Xmichra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soulseer Said…

Hey there,

You can get in contact with Mom mzbabz@comcast.net or Me anytime soulseer@verizon.net

Please if you need help ,let us know ,we can protect you & get you out of that hell you live in .We’ll pray for you Hun.Remember ,it’s not a burden or an inconvenience for us to talk to you.

Blessing & Bliss, Lee

http://www.myspace.com/soulseerlee

▶ Comment

Perception of Beauty???

In Dove on October 9, 2007 at 1:38 pm

Say No to the fake perceptions. It starts with you, deciding that you are beautiful…just the way you are!!!

▶ View 1 Comment

The Icing On The Cake

In MARINOL®, Marijuana and Pain, Personal Responsibility on October 4, 2007 at 2:09 pm

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

What do you think?

Perplexed /

Dear Perplexed,

This is enough to piss off a Preacher, huh? I immediately want you to know, that I do, wholeheartedly, side with you on this.

Xmichra Said…

Dear Perplexed,

Total agreement with Babs.

▶ View 1 Comment

Land Of Free Water

In Stand For Values, Stand Your Ground, Taking Advantage on October 4, 2007 at 1:28 pm

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Land of Free Water

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…
My name is Linda. I have a male friend who is living with me. Nothing sexual. I took him in because he was close to being homeless and had no place to go. No family to speak of. He has been living with me about 2 months, it is my place, I pay all the rent and bills, and he was very aware of the “rules” before he moved in. I am a disabled woman, a VERY private person. I do not choose to socialize with neighbors, having been taken advantage of badly in the past. He is very aware of this. He has no vehicle and no license, he helps me out with chore (I breed dogs) and I pay everything plus provide him with a cell phone. He does help me tremendously. All I ask is that he obey my rules, rules he knew I had before he moved in.

About 5 days ago, a female crack addict moved into the place directly across from us. She immediately began asking him for things, such as the use of my water, lots of my water, in fact, since hers is not on. I was not home when she asked him, and without even calling me on my cell and discussing it with me, he allowed her to take several large containers of water from my outside faucet. She immediately began asking for rides to go get beer and cigarettes, and to use my phone, all of which I refused. I told her I could not continue to allow her to use my water, I am disabled and on a very fixed income. I could tell he got mad at me about it, calling me “cold and heartless”. I did not take this woman to raise and I owe her nothing. Last night I caught her stealing water from my faucet, she had 8-10 huge plastic containers, filling them up. When she saw me watching her, she got scared and ran off. He got extremely angry with me for “catching” her and being mad about it. Keep on mind, he pays for nothing!!! He did nothing to back me up or take my side when the Sheriff came. He has had an “attitude” with me all day, he has been to “scared” to go outside my front door, because they might see him and get mad!!! Things worked out great when he first moved in, we helped each other, but the longer he is here, the more he tries to take over, and act as if this is his place and he pays for everything and not me. I do not smoke, I told him no smoking in my house or car and he does it anyway. He is not the least bit sorry she stole my water, he is mad at me for getting upset. He doesn’t have anything “going” with her, I can just already tell, he is a first class wimp, too scared to tell anyone no. I no longer want him here, I feel very violated. He knows how bad I struggle financially. He has no place to go. My family is enraged he would do me this way, after I took him in and have been so good to him. They said to take him to a men’s shelter. When I called the sheriff on this woman who stole my water, he even called me very ugly names. What can I do?
Thank You, Linda
Dear Linda,

Sorry you have to go through this and no, I don’t think he’s being fair to you. Maybe he needs notice to straighten up and fly right?

It needs to be made clear, that you will not be taken advantage of, BY ANYBODY, including him, much less the neighbor, whom you don’t even know or desire to know. If that makes you the “ugly names,” then so be it. But I side with you on this.

It took me years of being taken advantage of to realize that although I’d love to save the world, sometimes I can’t. That doesn’t make me a bad person, that just means that I am limited, as to what I can do or will do. Water is not free, last I knew and even though it may very well seem petty to your live-in boarder, it is not even his water to give.

Yes, he sees you as being petty. I see it as being wise. But I doubt the expense it the biggest point? Some people, when you give them an inch, will take a mile. The point was just proven by her immediate requests of rides to get beer and so on. Furthermore, it needs to be made clear, that while you are willing to help him, you are not here to save the world, will not and can not.

Now, to set the stage, maybe you need to reiterate your original agreement with him. He was to honor your privacy and he has not. Make it clear that this will not happen again or he can find somewhere else to live. It is not your duty to take care of him and out of the kindness of your heart, you choose to help. By going against your principle rule of privacy, he has violated your trust and the conditions of his living there. Make it clear, this is no free for all and while you do appreciate his help, if it is going to be more bother than it’s worth, he can find somewhere else to go, maybe the land of the free water, is taking applications?

Make sure, that you let him know, that you two have a business arrangement of sorts. You appreciate his help and in return, you give him shelter and a cell phone. That is it. If he can not abide by your wishes and we won’t even call them rules, then what is the point? Why would you stay in this situation?

Sorry but I do believe there are more handy man/helpers out there, who’d be more than happy to have this arrangement. You need only to run an ad. Now, I know, you’ve only brought him into your home because of the situation. It strikes me that you’re not the type to want another handy man, you’re too private. But he must know that you’ll do what you must to bring about a sense of peace, one you used to have.

Remind him again, to respect your wishes, no more smoking, stop bending the rules, respect your privacy or turn in his keys and cell phone. That’s it and that’s all.

Now, let me remind you, if you allow this to continue, it may only get worse. Your approach to this, is the key. Try to sit him down and ask to talk.. Of course, in your best diplomatic voice, state again, what your wishes are and renew your agreement. Let him know, as I said before, that you do appreciate all he does but this can not and will not go on, as it has. But stand your ground now and hopefully, he’ll remember your original agreement and begin to honor it again.

Or…let him read this and see it in black & white.

▶ Comment

Hand In More Than One Cookie Jar???

In Extreme Behavior, Infidelity, MySpace, Personal Relationships, Polygamous, Polygamous Relationship on October 4, 2007 at 1:25 pm

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Hand in More Than One Cookie Jar???

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

My ex and I have being talkin for over a month. He gave me a password to his MySpace I read the messages they were all from his exs he even told each and everyone of them that he wanted to get back with them. We got back together for about a week now. There was this message he send recently saying to the girl to call him asap. I want to break up with him so he can keep doing his flirty thang so it wont hurt me no more. WHY WOULD YOU SAY YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH ME IF YOU WERE ASKING ALL THOSE OTHER GIRLS OUT?! right? plz help!!

he even told me that this girl was just a friend that gave him advice about love but when i read the messages he said that she was pretty and ect.. on and on. and the password thing i had to kill him for it but he didnt want me to get uppset over the messges does this even mean anything?

Dear Friend,

Yes, it does mean something. It means that this guy wants everything and wants to give you nothing. This means that this guy wants to flirt and be with anyone, and if you were the one who went to him then he is all fine and happy. But that he will always be looking for someone else.

I truly hope that you come to your senses with this, and get of out of this relationship. I normally include something here for the off chance that things can work out, and some kind of advice as to go about doing it. But in this situation, I really believe that you are going no where with this guy.

The fact that he gave you the password to his MySpace account is inconsequential because he figures that he can talk his way out of what ever you read… and likely pawn it off as things ‘prior to you’ getting back together again.

Maybe this guy likes to have his hand in several cookie jars… who knows. But the one thing that I am getting from you is that you do not want to be in a polygamous relationship, which is to say that you do not want to be part of a relationship that involves your partner having relations with other women. And it is clear to me that he will/does want this.

Do yourself a favor and get the hell out of this one before you get hurt.

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Nothing Changes Unless You Change It

In Abusive Relationships, Choices, Co-Dependency, Co-Dependency Links, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Seeking Counseling on October 4, 2007 at 1:21 pm

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Nothing Changes Unless You Change It…

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

I am 27 years old. I am the mother of three kids. Their dad and me have not been separated a year and we are almost fully divorced. He has changed a lot since I left him. Every night I cry because I miss him and I love him. I did not like who he became when we were together. He was mean, abusive, and was addicted to the internet. I really really miss him. With everything he did to me it doesn’t matter right now. I am feeling as if I want to get back together with him, but I know for sure my family would basically disown me. Him and I have both spent a lot of money with a custody battle and divorce and pfa hearings and the such. I have not even talked to him about this. I do not know what to do. Part of me is saying to be with him another part is saying no. Please I just need some advice from someone that is not emotionally involved in this situation.

Dear Friend,

Far be it from me, to discourage you from affairs of the heart. I think you’ll have to weigh things out carefully and then own the situation.

You’ve not told me, if this divorce is amicable, meaning did your husband want it too? Was this your design?

I can understand your family’s feelings. It is a protective stance and I’m sure you understand how they feel. However, you must do the right thing for you and you alone. Therefore, you must look at things, trying to put your feelings and emotions, to the side…

Most men that are violent, without behavioral modification and therapy, do and will continue to behave in a violent manner. That’s almost guaranteed. It’s what they know and how they deal. That’s not to say that he could not, after getting into a treatment setting, change his approach to life on life’s terms. They do have Anger Management courses, geared specifically, to those that use violence as an outlet for emotion. But just like an addict, you must admit you have a problem, before you seek help, rather before that understanding can sink in. Often times, just going to jail, does not make the man deal with the raw emotion, as it really is. And just like an addict these violent guys need to hit some sort of bottom, in order for them to understand the ramifications of their behavior.

Off the record, if I had my way, men that are violent would be taught how it feels by being beat down, by someone bigger than themselves. Then, they might understand just how appalling it really is. In my perfect world, they’d know first hand, the fear, pain and degradation of a real beat down.

In case you didn’t know it, I was in a abusive relationship for too many years, myself. It is only now, that I have some semblance of clarity and am able to look at it all with some sort of understanding. It took years to understand the nature of the beast, all it’s components and to understand my own part in the co-dependent relationship. Yes, you must look at your own role in allowing this to go on. You must own it and rise above it.

I suggest you begin to look online, at all you can, concerning Co-Dependency and Abuse. The more you understand what factors into this type of relationship, the more tools you will have to deal with it. You must built a sturdy tool belt, of life changing skills and tools. Yes, you must study this, take it as seriously, as it really is and look for healing within it. The more you learn about it all, the more empowered you will become.

As I said, you must look at your primary role in what happened, within your relationship. More importantly, you’ve got to look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself. You’ve got to stop being a “Victim,” and become empowered by it. It’s not about assigning blame, it’s about you taking back control, within and of what you can, could and will have control of. This is a study in and of your life. Yes, you can work through this, you are not alone and you’re not the only one who’s gone through this. The numbers do not even reflect the true nature of this centuries old epidemic but it’s no longer taboo to talk about it and it’s no longer something you must be ashamed of.

My suggestion is for you to begin to assess your situation first. Read as much as you can on this scenario; this cycle of abuse and co-dependency. Then, you may be able to approach your husband, concerning him getting counseling. If he wants to be with you, he’s got to realize he has a problem and begin to deal with it. Most men, know it’s monstrous behavior, they’re usually sorry, after the fact but can’t control it. This is where counseling can help. It can give them tools too and better equip them to handle their anger before it gets out of hand.

Please, if only for yourself, research this and possibly seek help. Then maybe, allow yourself to heal before you make any rash decisions. You see, my Dear, nothing changes, unless you change it.

Overview of codependency

Co-Dependency Links;

Co-Dependency; The Problem

Mental Health America

The Skeptic’s Dictionary

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Forgiveness Street

In Forgiving, Getting Him Back, Relationship Issues, Respect Your Man on October 4, 2007 at 1:16 pm

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Forgiveness Street

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,
Hey, I really dont know what to do i’m so stuck. The thing is I have split up with my boyfriend of 5 years a few days ago. What happened is he got into my email account and read all the messages that I sent my friend Samantha. on the emails i was talking about some guy that I know and how I had been to his parties (cos he is in a band), i said things like I was imagining what it would be like bein with him and stuff. So when my boyfriend see all the chats n emails he finished with me. He did it cos I wasnt honest about what i was doing and where I was going, and the fact that I was seeing this guy there. There is nothing going on between me n that guy at all we are just friends n he knows cos I have told him that I had boyfriend, Plus i only see this guy once but my boyfriend is going off like we was having some big affair or somethin.I can understand him being upset cos this is not the first time that we have split up over this but i do think he is overreacting, cos nothin was going on. Not only that my boyfriend sometimes ignores me, when i’m at his house he will act like i’m invisible, and sometimes we dont see each other for week n he only lives like half hour away on the bus from my house, n when I ask him about it he says ‘I’m not 12years old I can go a week without seeing you’ n when I tell him that i feel sad that he ignores me he says things like ‘This is me, this is who I am, if you dont like it find someone else’. So thats the reason that I had been talking about the other guy to my friend, I mean its not like I wanted to be with this other guy or anythin i was just upset with my man so I craved the attention of that my man wasnt giving me. Wrong I know but my man made me feel so unappreciated. I cried like every night cos i didnt feel good enough for him and i had started to hate myself. I didnt even like the other guy that much, and I really dont know why i went to the parties, I wish I could turn back time and change it but I cant. I really dont know what to do to make things right with my man, cos I didnt do anythiny with the other guy and I really love my man, its just I know that it will take him time to trust me again. I am scared though cos he has told me that he never wants to see me again and that I shouldnt be asking for him to forgive me cos I dont deserve another chance. But I really love him and wanna be with him so bad. How can I get him to trust me again? x

Dear Friend,

Well. To be honest it sounds like this is a good thing that you two broke up. Sounds to me like he doesn’t appreciate you, and that you do find other outlets to satisfy yourself. Regardless on if anything happened or not, You were definitely not in this relationship emotionally.. and that is apparent from the e-mails you wrote to your friend. You wanted someone who would take notice of you, and be with you the way that you need to be needed. And there is no crime in that. But it does make for some mess when you are in a relationship.

There is an obvious lack of trust here too. I mean, my husband doesn’t go through my e-mails because he knows that is my space of freedom. It is not his, and it is very personal. Makes no matter to him what I am writing in my e-mails because he trusts me. And that is how that should be. When a partner starts looking through your personal things like that, they are deliberately looking for something…. And if they find what they are looking for they feel justified in the disregard for your privacy. Some may think that this is totally unacceptable; others will say that it is a necessity for truth. But either way you look at it… he wouldn’t be in there if he didn’t think that you weren’t being honest with him in the first place. Not that it makes it all right to snoop… but sounds like you were giving him some reasons.

Think about this for a minute. If you were actually sending him signals of being unhappy… of wanting another man. You may have never said a word, but those who know us well can tell the difference between what is really going on without words.

The fact that you were talking to Samantha about this other guy is haphazard at best. All of us are human, and we all have silly dreams about makin’ whoopee with some other person. But the part that was the problem was that you were lying to your boyfriend about seeing this guy, and having sexual desires for him. That is the line that he decided he couldn’t let you cross. And if you have been unfaithful in the past (as was implied from the one part of your letter) then it is really quite likely that this ex-boyfriend has had it and won’t want anything to do with you. You can only be burned so many times.

Seriously though, If you really do want to try and get back together with this guy, you need to check your pride at the door and ask him if he would be willing to seek counseling. I say this because there is a lot in play here with you two: unfaithfulness, lack of trust, disrespect of boundaries, lies, lack of appreciation, and likely a very big tear to your friendship. You will both need to lay out all the issues that you have, no holds bared and just get into what you love and what you need from each other to make things work like a relationship should. You will need to ask him for forgiveness, and you will have to forgive him for all in the past as well if you ever intend on moving forwards.

I have seen relationships that were worse then this get back into the good relationship status.. but it takes full co-operation and intent from both parties to make it work. Maybe right now the guy needs to cool off and think about what is good for him too. And if that is the case, and you really want to make a go of this again, tell him that you will wait for him to gain his own clarity if he can honestly say that he might want to try again. And if he says he does, but he needs some time, then give it to him. Don’t mess around, and be diligent about respecting his feelings and your own. If he says that he doesn’t.. then consider this a lesson in life that you would care not to repeat and move on.

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You Just Have To Believe

In Chat Rooms, Coming Out, First Love, Gay Issues, Gay Lifestyle, Gayness, The Gay Male, Vulnerable on October 4, 2007 at 1:13 pm

Friday, September 28, 2007

You Just Have To Believe

Soulseer Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hello Aunt B,
I am a 23 year old gay guy who’s not out yet.
I haven’t had any boyfriend for real and just a year back,came across and tried out online dating in a gay website.
I met a man from US there.He’s 59 now.He showed a lot of interest in me and messaged me saying he wanted to know me better etc etc.I started chatting with him and liked him.he seemed very friendly,gave a good advice on my problems( i had some personal problems at that time).He filled up the void that was in my life.I was not out to anyone and needed someone to confide in and someone to guide me.

It wasn’t that he was always giving me advice but he did emphasize a lot on the fact that he liked me.Sent me lots of nice emails and flirted quite a bit in his letters and during chats…like when i told him I was a virgin he said something like’ ahh ,losing virginity to someone you love is such a nice feeling.I wish you would share that banquet with me’..kinda poetic in a way.I liked him immensely and mailed him quite a few times daily when we didn’t get to chat.He encouraged me to write to him saying he liked my emails etc etc. Soon we started chatting daily..twice a day to be precise.
He started acting like a boyfriend of sorts.used to get jealous when some guy sent naughty messages to me while in the chat room.So,when i asked him about his being jealous he just emphasized again that he liked me and that he wanted to take my virginity in a loving way and didn’t like it when other guys sent me messages on sex.

Things went on like that and i gave up chatting with other guys(apart from a few known friends and I didn’t talk about sex with them) and chatted only with him.I started loving him and he said he loved me a lot too etc etc.We made a lot of plans and I even intended to move out if necessary to be with him someday.He encouraged me for all that.But gradually he started losing interest or maybe i got boring.We stopped chatting twice a day and started chatting once a day.Even then he often complained that he was feeling sleepy when we got together for chats(we chatted during his morning).Also when using cam if some problems arose like my cam wasn’t working properly or his wasn’t, he would put his hands on his head and act as if he was frustrated with it etc etc which made me feel bad specially if the problem was on my side.

Also one of the main things I noticed was that when I made a mistake,he would be quite rude to me and would threaten to call it quits but when i caught him a month later doing the same thing which i had done(and for which he had almost threatened to break our relationship) he had this excuse it’s just for fun.Nothing serious’.

I was quite angry because when i had made the same mistake,he had been very sarcastic to me but now when he had done the same thing,I was supposed to accept his reasoning.
Also his romantic emails and ecards stopped coming.He started saying things like my emails were too numerous and he couldn’t answer them and i should decrease the numbers(do remember that when we had met,he said he loved receiving them).also there were quite a few instances when he seemed uncaring and rude.

Also,when we had tiffs and i would want to discuss what was wrong he would leave me in the chat room in a huff in spite of my repeated pleadings to stay & discuss what was wrong in our relationship.I felt very bad at those times.He would leave the room although i was requesting him to stay and discuss our problems.No doubt I didn’t expect a smooth sailing in a long distance relationship but I don’t wanted to be a doormat either.When during our last tiff,I requested him to stay ,he sent me a very rude letter saying i shouldn’t contact him anymore or email him.He blocked my emails and said he would delete all my pics and i was to do the same.That was the worst time for me.I had known him for almost A YEAR and we had chatted almost everyday, sometimes for hours and it didn’t take him more than 5 minutes to send me that email.He said he didn’t love me as much as he used to.

I had asked for a serious commitment from him a few times because i was moving to a new place to join my job and wanted to be sure that he really liked me(some of his actions made me worry,so i had to ask if he was really committed).He would say anything was possible and that maybe someday just like he had met me,he might meet someone else again and fall in love.Also he wrote to me in anger that he wished I would leave for my job early and then he would have his peace and quiet again(as if i was blowing a trumpet and beating drums around him all the time,the whole day).Also i know that when other guys asked him,he used to say that we was not dating anyone and not in a relationship.No mention about me at all and he was cooing to me over the internet all that time saying he loved me.
After he dumped me,I asked if I could still be a friend(because i was very very attached to him and loved him a lot..I don’t know whether he loved me or not) and we do write to each other daily now.But,somehow at the back of my mind,I am still hurting.He likes being ‘just friends’ now.If friendship was the only thing he wanted,why all that talk of love from his side.Every couple has it’s share of tiffs ,so just because we had tiffs ,did he have to dump me and ill treat me that way.I am unsure if i should continue my friendship with him.I loved him a lot .He was the first guy i ever loved(as i said,i am not out and am from a country where it’s taboo)..so what do I do?

Hey Friend,

The short and sweet of this is that I believe he wasn’t as serious as you were and he became bored with a situation that was not really going any where. I hate to say it but I think he told you what he thought you needed to hear and then got tired of playing the game. You may have been too demanding also?

Take a good hard look at your situation and what I believe happened; as you stated, he was kind of your first. You were and are vulnerable. So, when he started saying things that were hurtful and down right inconsiderate, you should have taken notice. But you over looked it, embroiled knee deep in his good words to you; words you needed desperately to hear. Now, please read these words; I don’t blame you and it’s completely understandable. It’s also normal to feel as you have. That doesn’t mean it’s good for you though.

You might not be able to see it but I don’t think it was meant to be. I also don’t think you can see that there’s a lot more fish in the sea, ones that’ll be closer to your age group and interests, maybe even a bit more considerate and really serious, towards affairs of the heart.

I hate to say it but I think he may have meant well but sort of played with your heart strings. Sorry to say it, but I think he may have even led you on and then grew weary at playing the game. He saw just how serious you were, for real and he ran. Unfortunately, you’ve paid dearly for his endeavor. I suggest, you to look at all this and move on.

I encourage you, to find a completely new Chat Room. This way, you can start fresh and not stumble onto his word thread or whatever. You will find another, you just need to look else where. You found him and I guarantee, there are hundreds more out there. Later on, I will send you some links to different chat rooms.

I think you have to be honest with yourself and see this as it really is before you can move on. But there is hope, you just have to believe.

Be Safe, Act Safe, Love Safe.

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Losing Weight

In BMI, BMI Chart, Being Good To Yourself, Being Truthful, Being Yourself, Empowerment, Female Issues, Weight Loss, Weight Problems, Weight Resolutions on October 4, 2007 at 1:08 pm

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Losing Weight???

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 15 years old. Currently I am 5 Foot 9 inches an I am 151 pounds. I play field hockey, basketball and lacrosse. I am very active but that doesnt seem to be enough. I want to be 120 pounds but I dont know how to go about doing so or keep the motivation. I need advice cause I just am not sure what to do. Please help. My friend just lost 30 pounds and has been rubbing it in my face. I have wanted to lose my whight for a long time but I just can’t. Please I really need the advice because I just don’t know what to do.

Kat.

Dear Kat,

Struggling with weight is something every teen girl goes through. And I will tell you that I had so many issues with this and an eating disorder that I know in my heart I am a great person to ask this question. Because I am going to show you something, that you might not believe.

You are classified as a HEALTHY WEIGHT with a BMI (body mass index) of 71%. I will show you… (you are fifteen, so I just totaled a b-day using January first of this year. But the date isn’t really important, it’s the age).

BMI Calculator for Child and Teen: Results

Calculate again: English | Metric

Information Entered

Age: 15 years 8 months	Sex: Girl
Birth Date: January 01, 1992	Height: 5 feet 9 inch(es)
Date of Measurement: September 27, 2007	Weight: 151 pounds

Results

Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 22.3, placing the BMI-for-age at the 71st percentile for girls aged 15 years 8 months. This teen has a healthy weight.

underweight, less than the 5^th percentile
healthy weight, 5^th percentile up to the 85^thpercentile
at risk of overweight, 85^th to less than the 95^th percentile
overweight, equal to or greater than the 95^th percentile

What does this mean?

BMI is calculated using your child’s weight and height and is then used to find the corresponding BMI-for-age percentile for your child’s age and sex.

BMI-for-age percentile shows how your child’s weight compares to that of other children of the same age and sex. For example, a BMI-for-age percentile of 65% means that the child’s weight is greater than that of 65% of other children of the same age and sex.

Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 22.3, placing the BMI-for-age at the 71st percentile for girls aged 15 years 8 months. This teen has a healthy weight.

Maintaining a healthy weight throughout childhood and adolescence may reduce the risk of becoming overweight or obese as an adult.

Now. We have established that you really don’t need to lose weight. But you are in the percentage flow that you can lose some weight (not a lot) and still be healthy. That is a strong sentence there… you CAN lose weight safely BUT you do not have too. You are healthy, and in a great range for your age and height.

Losing weight can be tricky, but if done right can feel great and not make you look like a dried up skeleton. You are active enough, so the exercise portion is fine (and very important for you metabolic rate).

Please keep in mind that hormones are fluctuating in your body (you can’t help this) so your weight may go up or down daily by five pounds or so. It’s just nature making things grow and widen the way we are suppose to. So don’t get discouraged and get into a really bad eating disorder because you thinking eating right isn’t working. It will, it just takes a few weeks to really see all the changes. You could be losing weight in fat, and gaining more in muscle tissue.. Which does weigh more. So don’t get hung up on the scale counts. Look at your body, and you will see where the changes are. Also, if you are taking any kind of birth control pill, that will likely make you have ‘water weight’ and that is something that you cannot control as such.. but If you increase your water intake from the standard of eight 8oz glasses a day to ten 8oz glasses a day then that should help a little.

Really though, to lose weight it breaks down into these three things:

Eating healthy foods
Participating in physical activity on most (preferably all) days of the week (Limiting television viewing, internet use or other sitting and stationary entertainment)
Drinking eight 8oz glasses of water each day.

If you need help on what healthy foods are you can try these sites:

http://www.nms.on.ca/Secondary/healthy_food_choices_checklist.htm

http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=570

http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/index_e.html

But the one message that I do want to make clear is that you do not actually need to lose weight. And that if you choose to do so, you should do it healthy and clean. No artificial drug supplements, no crash diets, and dear god girl if you tell me you want to go on any kind of soup diet I will kick your butt. Seriously. Those methods may have results, but they are SHORT TERM and do massive damage to your body and self esteem. Take the better road here, and make sure that you are treating your body as it should be treated.. you only have one body and it will not last forever on diet pills and bulimia. Hell, that will send you further to the grave.

Let me know if you need anything else, but I am sure that you will be great as long as you respect the body you have and know it’s limitations.

refrence: BMI calculator for teens and adults: http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/bmi/index.htm

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Kid In A Candy Store

In Coming Out, Gay Issues, Gay Lifestyle, Safe Sex on October 4, 2007 at 1:04 pm

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Kid in a Candy Store

Soulseer Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hi Aunt B,

I am 23 and recently out and had been visiting a couple of the gay bars, here in my little town. I really fell for this guy, we’ll call Bobby. He’s so sweet and so cute, sexy too. My problem is that, as I said, I have really fallen head over high heels for this guy. We’ve been out a few times and yes, we had sex over and over and it was really great. I felt something for him. It pains me to say this but he’s really flirtatious and whatever else, with other guys. It’s driving me insane. No he hasn’t committed to me and I have no right over him but it really bothers me, no it really hurts me, when I see him with someone else. I think he’s gone home with this other guy. I was actually angry about it. Then I was just hurt. It seems he can be with me one night and then with someone else the next. I’m not like that. Yes, I wanted the sex, as much as he did. No he never said he wanted to see only me and I didn’t say that either. I’m kind of scared to tell him really how I feel, yet it makes me a raving bitch when I see him talking to other men. Aunt B, what can I do?

Hey Friend,

I can relate and have been in your shoes before. Not a comfortable fit, huh? So, we gotta stretch them out and make it work. Pay Less has a sale…

You seem to have some semblance of reality, concerning what or how you should feel. You’re right; No, you have no right to feel this way but yet you do. Maybe the only thing you can do, is chance telling him just exactly how you feel. What do you really have to lose, other than, that chance he won’t feel the same way?

A lot of times, young guys, newly out, want to play the field, sew their oats and see and do it all. I know I was like that. The prospect of settling down, right after I came out, were next to none. But one side of me, longed for a loving relationship, while the other was like a kid in a candy store, every Friday and Saturday Nite. I’d go to the Clubs, have such a good time, dance-n-date the night away and not think of a real relationship. My favorite place to go, was a club in D.C. called Traxx. It all went down there and who could possibly want to be tied down to one person, when all that’s going on? Bobby may still be the kid in the candy store, you see?

It happens, more than not, you do and will grow weary, as we all do, of going home alone, or maybe even being with someone, only to have them not call. Even the hardest and most seasoned Veterans of this scenario, grow tired, I think.

I also think your friend, Bobby, may not be there yet and you have to understand. It doesn’t hurt to tell him, that you care, beyond just a fling. You may get your feelings hurt, when and if he says he doesn’t feel the same way. But if you prepare for it and the fact that he’s not on the same page, as yourself, well, maybe it won’t sting, quite as bad. You then, must not take it personal. I know that’s easier said, than done but it’s reality.

Chalk it up to a life lesson, move on and I guarantee, Mr. Right will eventually come your way. As I said before, eventually, we all get tired of the game. Mr. Right will have grown tired of that game too and just want to enjoy your company. You’ll see.

Be Safe, Act Safe, Love Safe.

Aunt Babz Said…

I agree with Soulseer. I hope you can move on, if this fella, doesn’t want or understand having a relationship. The right guy will come along and as Soulseer said, you just wait and see!

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You Deserve Better

In Assertive, Assertive Bitch, Assertive Practices, Aunt Babz Bitch Belt, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices, Real Women on October 4, 2007 at 12:54 pm

Saturday, September 22, 2007

You Deserve Better

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…
Dear Aunt Babz,
I am 30, and have had a series of severe, long lasting crushes on men who have not reciprocated. Apart from that, I had a 3 month long relationship which ended in tears (we are still friends though), and a few flings that left me feeling worthless and dirty.

The last crush I had lasted 3 years, and after months of finding lots of ways to be near him, I told him my feelings via SMS. He politely said he was not interested in a relationship, he was only after physical affairs, that he was selfish in relationships, that he waited for women to “fall into his lap” and then he decided what to do with them.

Since then I have tried to be cool and adult about it, but I have ended up feeling worse. Although he is always polite (yet distant), I feel that I am so ugly and fat, he couldn’t even f*** me with a paper bag over my head. He’s said many times, he’s popular with the women, one even bought him a new car recently, that he’s got several on the go right now, and has had many girlfriends in his life. And I don’t even rate as a one nighter. Not even as a friend.

Recently I SMSed him saying I won’t speak to or see him for a while, maybe a few years, because I haven’t got over him yet. He eventually replied that was ok, we’ll talk later. I am still upset over this.

I’ve been reading books on how to get a partner, the strategy seems to be, be young, beautiful and thin, look like you’re having fun, NEVER approach a man, and let him make all the moves. But I’m not good at playing this game, and am despairing that I’ll never find a man, until I have lost 50lbs.

What to do?

Kathleen
Dear Kathleen,

First and foremost, I think you’ve been way too hard on yourself. In addition, I have to question your values and belief systems.

You must do what you can to make yourself feel better, as far as your appearance but it is shallow on anybody’s part to think they are not desirable because of their weight, the level of attractiveness and so on. Now, I am more than aware that this world revolves around good looks and more often than not, we have a messed up standard concerning how women should be; a rail like waif. I do not believe this is a good perception and if I had my way, women around the world would say, “Enoughs enough,” concerning this merit less perception.

Do what you can, to make a reasonable attempt, concerning your weight but the fact that you may be over weight, should never stand in the way of you, as a person. No, you must look in the mirror and see yourself, your soul, as who you really are. If you feel the need to lose weight, then you work on it, you try to limit your eating, maybe get out and walk, only to make yourself feel better. But it must be so you will feel better, not to please anyone else.

This is an extremely touchy subject for me. I feel too much emphasis is placed on appearances and an unrealistic hardship, placed on women to appear a certain way. We ruin our feet, to look a certain way, in high heels and it can be freezing cold and icy out and what are we wearing? A short skirt, high heels and so on. It’s ridiculous and we need to stop it.

I do feel if you begin a reasonable weight lose program, you may feel better, in the aspect of your health but I will say it again; anybody that judges you on your weight is shallow. They are not anyone you need to be with in the first place.

I’m sorry but this guy, you’ve mentioned sounds like one of those shallow people, I just mentioned and for the love of me, I don’t know why you’d want to torture yourself for his unrequited love? You deserve so much better. Say it with me, “You Deserve Better.”

They have a saying, it’s kinda Redneck and I hope you don’t take it wrong but they say, “There’s a dog for every dog.” Meaning there’s someone out there, that will love even a dog, every dog, any dog. What it means is that even if you were a dog, which you are not, there’s someone out there that will love you for you. Real people don’t see fat or a handicap or unattractiveness. True love is blind, deaf, dumb, crippled and crazy. Do you understand? I am not calling you a dog, I am simply pointing out, that the popular, beautiful people are a minority and if they weren’t, everybody’d be considered beautiful, right? I mean there’d be no line drawn, we’d all be considered beautiful and then there’d be no definition or exception for who’s beautiful, who’d not and every level in between. So, the odds are that there’s more real people and your mate is out there.

How you carry yourself, is how you are perceived. How and what, you feel about yourself, just like body language, can be read and is more self-evident that you may realize. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly. If you are realistic and see yourself, as you really are and look at your best qualities and allow them to shine, then that is exactly what people will see.

I have said this, more often than not, but you must use, at your disposal, every tool possible, to begin to empower yourself. It is an exercise in reality, to look in the mirror and assess yourself. One should do this daily. But in all due reality, you must also realize that people, all people have flaws. You have flaws, I have flaws, even the most beautiful people, have flaws. Because of their persona, we choose, for the most part, not to see them. I think the tabloids make such good money because we want to humanize those beautiful people. We choose to look at their flaws because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It is a contradiction, at best. We emulate and want to be just like them, yet we point the finger and say, “Ah ha, look at you Miss Wanna Be Perfect, you’re not so perfect after all.”

Now, you can choose to look at your own flaws and pick at them, or you can choose to see that person, who you truly are, who you truly can be. I can feel that you are actually, a powerful women trapped in a body, you don’t care for. Improve on what you can, begin to hold your head up and carry yourself, as that powerful woman. Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, begin to know that you are the few, the proud, the “Real Women.” Once you do this, you will begin to see the difference.

I have about 30 posts(on my sidebar) on Empowerment and Empowerment exercises. I’d love to see you read, even a few and garner some strength, take what applies and run with it.

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Tame The Shame & Blame Game

In Assigning Blame, Ex Issues, Marriage, Marriage Issues, Marriage Woes, Personal Accountability, Personal Responsibility, Stand For Values, Tame The Blame, Tame The Shame & Blame Game, Tame the Shame on October 4, 2007 at 12:52 pm

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Tame the Blame & Shame Game

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…
Dear Aunt Babz,

My husband has been divorced for six years. We will be married 3

years this month, second marriage for both of us. I have never met

his ex-wife as we life in different states. In three weeks we will

be attending a wedding and my husband’s ex-wife will be there. Last

week my husband mentioned that he does not want me to wear my diamond

ring or the expensive watch that he gave me as a gift. He said that

it might hurt her feelings if she saw them. I agreed to his request

as I have the “disease to please” and didn’t want to disappoint him.

After thinking about it his possible motives for asking this of me

are more disturbing than the thought of not wearing the watch and

ring. I have been having an inter-dialogue with myself constantly

about his request. I guess you could call it obsessing. I go back

and forth to being outraged that he would bring this up, to “do I

want to be right, or do I want to be happy?” I haven’t made an issue

about this and I’m wondering if I should after agreeing to it in the

first place.

Two years ago he had Thanksgiving dinner with his ex-wife and her

parents. Weeks before the dinner she asked my husband to pretend that

they were still married. She said that since her parents are elderly

she didn’t think they would cope well with her divorce. She kept

this charade up until a few months ago when she finally told them.

They were ok with it and totally supportive. This makes me believe

that she used her parents as the excuse for not telling them about

her divorce because she couldn’t handle it. It was all about her,

not them. And my husband willingly went along with it.

My husband assures me that he does not have feelings for her, and

that he loves me, but he still caters to her stupid requests and is

proactive in protecting her feelings. I think he feels guilty about

asking her for a divorce, and his motivation is driven by guilt. He

has made his problem my problem.

Should I be concerned about my husband’s need to protect his ex-

wife’s feelings? What is wrong with me? Why do I go along with the

manipulation and charades?

Your valued opinion would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Friend,

Well, right from Jump St., I’ll tell you, it wouldn’t sit well with me either. None of it.

While flaunting expensive jewelry is distasteful, in the first place, I guess it’s the principal behind it. Being kind and considerate, amicable and caring, towards his ex, is one thing, hiding the celebration of your love, is another story. Is it possible that he has over looked that the gift, you received from him, was just that;
A celebration, a sign of his deep love, devotion and affection for you?

There are always two sides to every coin. There are three sides to every story too; Yours, His and the Facts The facts in this case, show that he has, for whatever reason, not moved on, in the sense that he stands against the world, that you two are married, happy and his past is just that; His Past.

I think it’s time to take that old Duct Tape, off his old marriage. Yes, that good ol’ 90 mph tape has held him in place, even if he didn’t realize it. I don’t get the feeling that he does this with animosity. No, in fact, I think your hubby, is a pretty nice guy. I also feel his ex wife, takes advantage of his good nature and plays him. Then, if you say anything about it, you’d feel guilty, possessive, needy, jealous and I could go on but I think you get the point, right?

My suggestion, first and foremost, is that you have him read this…

How would he feel if your ex husband, required the same from you? How would he feel, if you asked him to let you go, to dinner, on a major holiday, with your ex husband? How would he feel, if you spent Thanksgiving, playing the loving married couple, with your ex? How would he feel, if you asked him to pretend, that a trinket, a sign of your love, should not be worn, in front of your ex, cause dammit, what would he think? What? He might get the impression, that you love him more than you loved your ex?

I’m sorry but I think he’s asked a little too much and been a little too accommodating, in respect to his ex wife. In all due reality, what she thinks should not matter and in all due respect, I’d want her to know that you are both happy, loved and care enough to give of that love.

Yes, it comes down to the principle of the matter. The heart of the matter is the affairs of the heart and he has got to look in the mirror and ask himself, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would he feel? He has not been fair to you and it is not fair of him, to ask you to not show that expression of love, for the sake of his ex wife. I have one question; Really, why do you care what she thinks? Take that duct tape off and step into your marriage, your current marriage. Stand up to her, hubby and be the husband, you were meant to be, with your wife. I doubt your vows, spoken, hopefully in truth and love, said to always love, honor and obey, your ex wife, now did they?

Have your husband read this. I know as a man, he may not care for you bringing your business elsewhere? But I do not know you, nor will I ever know you. No harm, no foul. This actually pisses me off, I can’t pretend it doesn’t and I only have one question for your husband;

How long will you allow yourself, to be held hostage, duct taped to your ex wife, before you wake up and realize that she knows what she’s doing and does it for a reason. It’s time to play the, “Tame the Blame and Shame Game.” Let her go, let yourself, truly commit to your wife and be a true husband, heart and soul. Never expect from your wife, what you would not be willing to do yourself. It’s time to let go of the guilt, your ex so fondly throws in your lap.

I’d want to wear the ring and watch proudly. Is he ashamed of your love? It’s high time, to play to win. Now, just for shitz -n-giggles, wear matching t-shirts.
(Just kidding)

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Two To Tango

In Advice, Affairs of the Heart, Assertive, Assertive Bitch, Assertive Practices, Being Assertive, Finacial Responsibility, Perspective, Pregnancy, Relationships & Pregnancy on October 4, 2007 at 12:48 pm

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Takes Two To Tango

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have a friend…

Who’s pregnant and going thru a lot of problems financially and emotionally. She’s pregnant from her ex husband who she was in the process of divorcing.
She says she still loves him, but really not sure if she’s with him because she loves him or because there is a baby involved.

I feel bad for her. I want to help her with some good advice. I saw her crying today because she says her ex nickel and dimes and it couldn’t be at a worse time. She’s struggling financially and has to answer to him and he never bothers to ask how she’s doing financially.

What should I tell her????

Dear Sonia,

The best thing that you can do for your friend is to just be supportive. Right now she has a lot on her plate with being pregnant and trying to make a relationship work. Never mind the added stress of financing.

Right now, if you were to try and talk her out of being with this guy, I think that you would be the one kicked to the curb, not him. She is likely trying to do what she feels is best for her family, even if she doesn’t think it will work out… she has to try. And this is her lesson to learn unfortunately.

All you can do is ask about her health, keep reassuring her that she is doing the best that she can, and hope that she ends up well (either in this relationship or out of it).

Ultimately she is the one who has to decide what she is going to do… and if you interfere you might end up on her bad side. However, don’t be too afraid to ask normal friend questions either (like how they are doing, if she feels it’s working out, etc) because these conversations will help her speak her mind… and possibly to change it too.

All of us make mistakes, and sometimes things work out for the best. So just keep supporting your friend, and let her know how amazing you think she is.

Aunt Babz Said…

I agree with Xmichra, you must be careful, as she’s got mixed emotions and you don’t really want to be more than supportive. What I mean is if you hand her, your opinion, she may throw it at you. I’m not saying that this is what she will do, but it is possible. If the subject is brought up, I would tell her she needs to be more assertive and state her needs. It’s within her right to ask him for help, as he is the Father. Of course, the law states otherwise, until they can conduct DNA testing, then he most certainly will be held accountable. But morally, he knows she needs help, he knows the child is his. She must make a stand and state her needs. It takes two to Tango and last I knew, it took a man and a woman, in sexual union, to impregnate a woman. She needs to take away that sense of guilt she’s wearing and realize, that he was there for the making part of this baby and he needs to be there for the financial part. Throw away the guilt and you have the cold hard facts, as I said before; It takes two to Tango.

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Never Had Chocolate???

In Being Yourself, Gay Issues, Gay Lifestyle, Lesbian, Sexual Experimentation, Sexual Issues, Sexual Needs, Sexuality on October 4, 2007 at 12:43 pm

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Never Had Chocolate???

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hello

I really dont ever know were to start. I am a mother of 1 that has realized that I can not connect with men. For years I have wanted the touch of a woman. I love all the things about a woman. I grew up in a christian home were lesbianism is wrong.I was talking with a friend and I told her how I felt and she said that I was a lesbian. I cant get sexual pleasure from a man at all I have a hard time giveing myself to a man. I even lost interest in my childs father.We have been broken up for a year.I find my self getting overly excited while looking at a woman.What excites me the most is the form and the beauty of a woman. Is there something wrong with me I feel as though I am loseing my mind trying to figure out what to do. I cant seem to get women off my mind I have no interest in men only woman.

Please help!!

Dear Please Help,

Let me start with one simple answer: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

There are plenty of women and men who feel the same as you. And there are plenty of normal reactions that you feel. In fact, I know of several women who feel excited or love the female frame. And it is something that you can either choose to ignore and possibly avoid happiness, or you can embrace that feeling and let it take you to something that you never knew was possible.

There is the possibility that you are bi-sexual, or that you need to get this urge to be with a woman filled. I will relate to my own experience here, but it doesn’t mean that this is where you are. See, before I met my husband I had sex with a woman. It wasn’t because I was gay (though I see no problem with that) I just wanted to know what it would feel like to lay with this woman I met. And I can recall that evening with more clarity then any boyfriend before her, and with very good reason. It was so intricate and so… romantic. That it will stay with me forever.

Of course since this encounter I have met my best friend and lover, and he is amazing… and I couldn’t possibly think of straying or choosing a woman over him. And that is the point that I am getting too. I know that for women (mostly) sex is not always thought of as a connection of body, but a connection of minds. And it can be something very special when the soul is involved. And I do know of one particular female friend of mine who has been married and happily so, to a man for ten years now.. but regrets not “experimenting” when she was younger. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s something to seriously think about in respect to future relationships.

Lets take something really silly here as an example. Say that you had never tried chocolate before. You diligently ate your meals with all the food groups, and were very satisfied.. and knew that it was good for you and your body. But you just know that others have eaten chocolate.. and you love the smell, the many varieties, the look of the displays and fountains. Would you completely deny that you wanted a taste? Or would you dip in to see if you did enjoy it? Of course, you may still love your meals a little more then the chocolate, or you might become a chocolate lover. But either way, you are not pining over what you ‘could have’ had/done.

You see what I am getting at here?

Now as for the family issues, I know that lesbianism (or being gay in general) is offensive to a lot of religious people. But, if they don’t let their religion dictate HOW they love a person then you might be making more out of this then you can imagine. Sure, there is the possibility that they will not talk to you… but this is your happiness that we are talking about. So make your choices, and then write your parents a letter explaining how alone you feel. Explain that this choice has nothing to do with disregarding what they have taught you. That they have taught you to be loving and in search of happiness, and that you feel happy with this choice, and wish they could feel the same.

I would write a letter to them after you had spoken to them though, for one reason: they might not react the way you think they will. Some people who are very religious actually don’t care if people are gay. Seriously. They just want their loved ones to be happy, and still remain connected with God. Now, you might not know where your parents are in this mind set, but if you go into a conversation assuming the worst you can offend and upset. So go into it knowing that you have a back up plan (the letter) if things don’t go well.. but that you are giving them the benefit of thinking your choices are fine.

Let us know how things pan out, and don’t be afraid to make this choice. You don’t ever want to regret not following your heart.

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Curious

In Fetish, Honesty, Honesty in Relationships, Sexual Experimentation, Sexual Issues, Strange Brew on October 4, 2007 at 12:40 pm

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Curious

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Im dating this girl who has had the biggest crush on me for a long time,

well things were going good for a month, then she told me that she had a

secret that was soooo nasty and terrible and disgusting that she was ashamed

of herself, but she wouldnt say what it was.

She said its an addiction and it wasnt drug related . Its something Physical

about herself and its not def not sex with men or guy related. She doesnt

want to talk about it but it has nothing to do with men or drugs. She said

another girl at work had the same addiction and thats why they were really

close.

She wont say what it is but that someone else before me a year ago saw it

in her and she was sooo ashamed . Its really bothering me cause she says if

we get really close I’ll start to notice it in her.

she said her mom and ex husband didnt even know she did it, tis sooo

disgusting and nasty .

my question is…what the f*** can be that disgusting and offensive thats

not drug related or related to men and is something thats a physical

addiction about her ?????? I was thinking body mutilation but I remember she

said every now and then she goes out and does this nasty thing .

last time she did it was over a year ago……. can you help me figure this

out ?

Dear Friend,

I know that you want us to make some kind of guess as to what it is this girl is so ashamed of.. but truth be told, it would be nothing but a guess and wouldn’t help you in the slightest.

See, when someone lets a secret out, it is such a piece of them that they are freed by it. And I feel that she is just not there yet… but wanted to give you a heads up to make herself feel better.

There are thousands of things it could be. As minuscule as she picks her nose habitually to having what’s called a ‘blood fetish’ where a woman saves her own menstrual fluids and reuses it for making art (you think I am kidding right? http://community.livejournal.com/blood_art)

But no matter what it is, it will be a mere guess. And no matter what it is, this girl wants to know that she can trust you before she tells you her dirty little secret. And we all have one of those… it is just different for each of us. For me, I am insane when it comes to tweezing. I will tweeze the shot out of my eyebrows, legs, whatever.. I just can’t stop once I have tranced in on it. But that is something that I don’t think of as a big secret anymore to discuss… however you wouldn’t ever catch me doing it in front of another person but my husband. It is private, and something I am not comfortable with sharing. And all couples have a ‘thing’.

You just never know until the trust is there. I would advise you to be patient, and above all tolerant and accepting. Because even if you don’t like what ever this is that she is so scared to share… you will devastate her if she opens up and tells you. So at least if you cannot condone it, don’t judge her for it. That’s who she is.

Talk openly with her on the anxiety that you are feeling not knowing her secret but knowing somethings there though. Because no matter what the relationship is… you don’t have to keep that kind of feeling bottled up. You should be able to tell her that the anxiety is somewhat like a dark cloud that is bothering you, and if she isn’t ready to share what that is.. that’s fine. But that you don’t really want to talk about it, and you don’t want to be lied to about it. And maybe throw in that once again, you don’t mind that she needs time to divulge her secret, but make it clear to her of the things that you would consider a ‘deal breaker’ (like molestation, cheating, watching strange porn, whatever) and that if it is something in there, you are going to really have to think about the relationship and that she needs to accept your behaviors and what you are willing to do as well.

I hope that things go well with you two, and hope that whatever the secret is that it isn’t a deal breaker. Let us know how it all works out.

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All Bandaids Off

In Death, Death & Healing, Grieving, Healing From Death on October 4, 2007 at 12:37 pm

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

All Band-Aids Off

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B;

My fiance passed away about 1 year and a half ago. 6 months after he died I drank more heavily then I’d used to. I was naturally very vulnerable. One day I went to the Pub a few blocks from my place and I sat on the patio and
had a drink by myself. I was immediately approached by a guy my age. We slept together that night. In the morning I felt amazingly connected to him and we went for lunch. He proceeded to call me every day and spend every evening
with me for a week and a half. He started getting paranoid and possessive-there were small little warning signs. He’d accuse me of cheating on him one day when I was out of his sight for 15 minutes, even though I’d told him I was going to the bank.He told me he was seeing a therapist and he
had a history of getting obsessive with woman. This is where it gets crazy.
One day I decided not to answer my phone because I was getting claustrophobic
and I needed my space. He had just finished telling me he wanted to move in
with me, he really liked me and things were just going to fast for me. He
proceeded to call me all day long and the phone calls got weirder and
weirder. At 3:00 a.m., he left a message saying his fortune telling stones
told him that I was cheating on him and that I know that they don’t lie. He
left another message saying “You are acting all nice and pretty, but if you
don’t toe the line, I will kill you”. He the started to climb my balcony. I
called the police and they arrested him and placed a restraining order
against him (their choice, not mine). They hinted that he had a history of
such behavior. I know this makes me sound screwed up, but after a few days I
missed him. We had spent everyday together and we had connected on many
levels. I called him and we continued to sleep together. The sex was
amazing! We also felt very comfortable with one another and we could talk
about anything and everything. My feelings grew stronger and then he became
detached. We would have a very sexual evening and I wouldn’t hear from him
for 3 days I would call him and he would be icy cold and tell me that his
lawyer didn’t think we should talk. We would argue and then he would come
over and sleep with me again. He became hyper critical of me and my flaws
and constantly focused on them. He would play hot and cold and this
continued for a few months. He ignored me over the Christmas holidays and
finally ended it over the phone. He told me the timing was off and that he
wanted to focus on his career and that I’d changed his life. Afterwards he
completely ignored me for 6 months. I emailed him and he responded one day
and we hooked up yet again. I’d never gotten over him. I dreamed about him
every few nights and thought about him obsessively. He claimed to
have never gotten over me. He said he missed me, he could only truly be
himself around me, he said I was smart. he said there were no other girls.
He had what I interpreted to be amazing sex and another romantic interlude
only to have him ignore me again for a few months. Many men find me
attractive, but I can’t get him out of my head. I felt amazing chemistry
with him; it was like I knew him from another life. This happened one more
time and I have never heard from him since the last time. We had sex, but he
told me we were too much alike and their was “bad energy” between us. I have
no idea what he was talking about. He repeatedly puts woman on a pedestal
only to be rejected by them later. I was the one girl who didn’t reject him
yet he pushed me away. In the beginning he was the one who was obsessed with
me. Why did he reject me? Why can’t I let go? I feel as if there is
lingering baggage between us and I have no sense of closure. Thank-you!

Robyn

Dear Robyn,

I think you might be playing with fire and ice. They can both be memorable, to say the least but they can be so damaging.

My second husband was like this. One side of me loved the attentiveness, the possessiveness and so on. The other half was being smothered by it and he did the same thing with the accusations, always thinking I was fooling around on him. Eventually, he got help through the V.A. and was found to be Bi-Polar.

Now, we don’t know that your fella is Bi-Polar and I’m not implying this. It is not my expertise to even indicate that sort of diagnosis, so I will steer clear of it. I will say, however, that there’s a lot of indication of inappropriate behavior. But my concern is not for him, it is with you.

Had you even realized that your obsession with him is because he made a spot in your psyche, when you were at your most vulnerable? You’d just gone through an outrageously traumatic experience and he walks into your life. You were beyond vulnerable and would’ve done anything to forget the pain. You were distraught and he took that away…temporarily. He filled a huge void and made you forget your pain, of course, you’d welcome that. Anyone would. He told you what you needed to hear, well that doesn’t matter. What matters is the fact that, you probably fell head over heels for him because he was such a huge fill in that void.

I can not negate your feelings for him. They are real and any kind of love is real. I’m sure you know, there are different degrees, of love and although he could never replace what you had with your fiance, his kind of love, pulled you through that pain…temporarily. You may, have even have viewed him, as your savior, the saving grace from such pain, pain that was just about unbearable.

What you did, was over look the red flags that kept popping up. You know, the small still voice, inside, kept telling you, something was amiss but you ignored it, didn’t you? Something inside tugged at you. On the other hand, your emotion equated him, with not feeling the pain from the death of your fiance, as well. Somewhere inside, something tugs at your heart strings and says he’s the fix, for what ails you. But again, it is only a temporary fix.

It is within my scope of reasoning to tell you, that I suggest you get counseling. Why? Because I do believe a couple of things have happened; I don’t think you were done grieving from your loss, when you went from the frying pan, into the fire. Now, you crave the passion from that fire, a quick fix, a band-aid. In turn, you’ve been treated coldly and now you even question yourself, what you are, who you are and even if you’re worthy. “Many men find me attractive…”
With this statement, I believe you’ve questioned your own self-worth. You’ve been weighing things out, haven’t you? One side of you knows damn well, that you are all that and a box of Godiva chocolate.

The other half feels less than and not very attractive, why else wouldn’t he respond? Why else wouldn’t he not want me?

My own small still voice, my gut instincts, my intuitive side, tells me that nothing good can come from this relationship. Now, if you’re not the type to go and pour your heart out to a therapist or maybe you can’t for insurance reasons, whatever, I suggest you take a long hard look in the mirror. You know damn well, you were hurting so badly, if they’d told you, if you put cat shit on your head, all the pain will go away, you’d have done it. You’d have done just about anything, not to feel that devastating loss. Who could blame you? Least of all, me.

You were so in love, weren’t you? You are the kind of woman that loves with all the passion, the very fiber of your being. It was spontaneous, good, fun, memorable, it was your world. He was your world. Then, it was suddenly , taken from you, turned off, not by choice, on his end but not on yours. No, your love was still alive and brilliant, vibrant and full to the brim, spilling forth. What to do with all those feelings? Where does the love go?

You need to take all Band-Aids off and feel the loss, grieve and work on rising above it. You can do this. You’ve not allowed yourself to begin the healing process. Yes, he loved you, always will, always and forever. He wants you to be happy. He was not selfish, maybe a bit possessive but he only wanted you to be happy. He would want you to be happy now. He wants you to stop looking for his replacement. You will not find it. But a wonderful and gentle man, will find you.

Begin to make a conscience effort to become busy, something constructive that will keep your attention. Find a hobby, join a group or gym. You could start a blog and I’d be glad to talk you through it. I had to do the same thing and blogging actually got me through it. In addition, it is somewhat of a diary and I can look back and see how I’ve grown, where I need to pay attention, my strong suits, my weakness and so on. I’ve had several blogs, that fit or suit my personality or how I was feeling at the time. Your blog can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a personal journal or entertainment. You can rant and rave, whatever your little heart desires. Then, you begin to visit other people’s blogs and you comment. They will then, reciprocate, usually and comment on yours. The interaction is born. Every single time, you have that lost feeling, get busy and write or interact. Every time you feel that tug at your heart strings and that urge to call, you get busy. Do whatever it takes to flush him out but please don’t jump back into a relationship, you’re not ready.

When you stop looking, he will find you.

I am and will always be here.

Aunt Babz

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Pockets

In Aunt Babz Cologne, Business Savvy, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices, Respect Factor on October 4, 2007 at 12:34 pm

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Pockets

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,
Something of a long story, but will try to get to the point as quickly as I can.

Throughout my life I have always attempted to help people. There are several stories I could tell you, but will just go through the most recent situation. The circumstances of each story are different, but the end result is always the same, so this one story should be enough.

About 15 months ago I met a woman and we quickly became friends. We found a common interest that led us to start a business together. My main role has been to provide the money. It has taken everything I had, and everything I could borrow to get us to where we are today, and that is on the brink of much success. Funny thing is (and it’s really not funny at all), she is now telling me I am too stressed and depressed by all this to be involved in the business. I seem to have “serious problems” that I need to get resolved or I will bring the business down. I am currently considered a liability.

Over this time period, we have supported each other personally, usually ending each day with a phone conversation to recap where the business stood, and to offer each other encouragement for the day to day challenges in our personal lives. Currently, she has stopped all contact and communication until I “get help”. We are not lovers. There is something of an age difference, and many things that would create far too many complications. But we have been (or at least it was my impression) very, very close friends. It now looks as though she wants me out of the picture.

This is a recurring theme in my life, so I have to assume it is something I am doing wrong. People allow me into their lives, take the best I have to offer, then start to move away. People seem to need me, but they don’t need all of me.

What am I doing wrong, and how can I avoid this in the future? It all makes me tired and depressed.

Evan
Dear Evan, Well first, you must do your own assessment and inventory. Is there any merit, at all to what she is saying? If there is, then possibly seek help. It won’t hurt and hopefully, your insurance will cover it. If she is being genuine, then she’s pulling the old, “Tough Love,” trick on you. She figures, you’ll take the initiative to get help, if she makes a stand.

If she has ulterior motives, maybe you should call her on it. Call her on the carpet and tell her that you want to get to the bottom of the beef and you want nothing but the truth. In the business world, we don’t play games like that. But in all due reality, you had an off the books friendship and she felt she had the right, to say what she has said. Correct?

If it were me, I would stand my ground. You have a vested interest in this business situation and if she is trying to get you out, tell her now’s her opportunity to say so, be honest and then, you’ll work on the buyout. Quite honestly, I think her approach is a pretty nasty one, especially if she wasn’t being truthful. It is my gut feeling that this may be what’s happening.

You have become prey to a vulture. You showed her your pink under belly, at some point in time and she’s used that info against you. Pretty under handed, if you ask me. Even if it’s not true that she used a weakness of yours against you and she’s being truly concerned for your welfare, she did not handle it well.

I believe the old adage, “Nice guys finish last,” is a half truth. Patsy’s pay and you ain’t no Patsy, now are you? Yes, you’re a nice guy but you need to stand up, take away the personal aspect of your business relationship with this young lady and put your foot down. I have the feeling that she hurt you, with her little revelation?She knows she did and you’ve now played right into her hand. Don’t let her win. Take the sting out of it, put your business hat back on and get back in there.

It is my suggestion, for future reference, that you keep your heart and your business savvy in two different pockets. They must be separated at all times. See, eventually, there’s gonna come a time, when you either fight with a business associate or partner and if they know what they’re doing, they’re gonna go after what hurts the most. She just proved this scenario. I imagine, in the past, you have expressed that you were depressed or whatever and now, she’s manipulated things, using this against you. Gotta give her credit for trying, huh? But we’re onto her and you will not take it, you will not stand for it and you will draw the line, right here and right now. She’s gone over board, in her right as a friend.

Fire off an email, leave her a message, write her a letter or ask for a face to face meeting, no demand a sit down. Get back in there, call her out and tell her you will not stand for this. Hold your chin high, chest out, your feelings; in your left pocket, your business savvy in your right pocket. Just for shitz-n-giggles, for general closure, ask her what her real problem is and tell her you are not her violin, so she needs to save that for someone else. You tell her that you will do everything in your power to accommodate her but if she is not perfectly honest with you, you will then, pull out all the stops. I don’t what kind of contract and so on, you two have but your posturing must show that you have an ace up your sleeve and you’re willing to play it, if she’s not honest with you. You let he know that she crossed the line, when she brought up your mental health status, in a business situation. You let her know that you will not tolerate her berating attitude, which is exactly what it is. Let her know, from that moment on, you are not friends, merely business associates, as she has abused her end of the deal. Look her square in the eye and ask her if she understands what you are saying? You will not be her patsy, prey or even her boy.Put On Aunt Babz’ Signature Cologne, “Confidence”

Before you go into this meeting, you must have some resolution, concerning how you will end this. As I said, I don’t know what your arrangement is, if you have buy out rights, etc. but have some solution. I want you to walk away, with, if nothing else, your dignity in your breast pocket.

You must do this, for your own well being. You must meet her head on, as if this is the test of all tests. She’s one woman. She’s only human and if you ask me, she does not deserve your respect as a worthy adversary. Remember this. You must be the better person in this but that does not mean, allow her to walk all over you. Take control and do not allow her to own this situation.

Let this be a new beginning. Let this be a proving ground that you will always be a good guy but you will not be anybodies Patsy. You will keep your business and personal feelings in separate pockets, at all times. Then, you will see that nice guys do finish, with dignity in their breast pocket.

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Land of Free Water

In Stand Your Ground, Taking Advantage on October 2, 2007 at 4:02 pm

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

My name is Linda. I have a male friend who is living with me. Nothing sexual. I took him in because he was close to being homeless and had no place to go. No family to speak of. He has been living with me about 2 months, it is my place, I pay all the rent and bills, and he was very aware of the “rules” before he moved in. I am a disabled woman, a VERY private person. I do not choose to socialize with neighbors, having been taken advantage of badly in the past. He is very aware of this. He has no vehicle and no license, he helps me out with chore (I breed dogs) and I pay everything plus provide him with a cell phone. He does help me tremendously. All I ask is that he obey my rules, rules he knew I had before he moved in.

Dear Linda,

Sorry you have to go through this and no, I don’t think he’s being fair to you. Maybe he needs notice to straighten up and fly right?

Remind him again, to respect your wishes, no more smoking, stop bending the rules, respect your privacy or turn in his keys and cell phone. That’s it and that’s all.

Or…let him read this and see it in black & white.

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