Change

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hy Aunt B!

I hope you have time to read this!I guess my main issue is that i never get along with others in school and since September is just 2 days away,im already counting the hours to my doom.I really dont wan to go back.There is absolutely nothing that could convince me.Ive already changed school once because of i cant fit in and now im supposed to go to the 9th grade at the second school where my 6,7 and 8 grades werent that much fun!Its mainly my fault i cant get along with others that well.I’m just so shy and Mega shy!I just dont talk that much and when i do i wish i could be somewhere else.The damage it has brought to me is just too much to mend and i just dont know what to do.Believe,it is really hopeless!But there is one thing that i just dont like,sitting at home anymore either!But the main thing stopping me from going outside is that i dont like to hang around,i find it a huge waste of time.I like reading and developing my skills.I actually value education very much but im not willing to “pay the price” anymore for getting one in school!It would be my dream and my ambition to go to a school where i fit in and the teachers are always willing to help me learn more.But my parents arent that wealthy to send to private school or have private teachers.Im tired of being bored and 1 third of summer sitting home and plus,im tired of i cant just have it my way in life.

Thank you for reading this!

Helen.

Dear Helen,

School years are tough when you can’t seem to get a handle on your emotional self, and being shy is even tougher to get out of.

I am a very outspoken person, and have not personally had to deal with being shy… but my husband has. He is really shy, to the point that if I hadn’t asked him out way back when, well I bet the rest of our life wouldn’t have happened.

But when I was nervous to go into my ninth grade, that I can relate too. I was going to a whole new school surrounded by people I had no idea about and teachers and a school system that was VERY different from what I knew. I’m not going to lie, I was freaked out.. and that really affected my first semester to the point that I was failing school because I just didn’t feel that I fit in there.

For me, I had to really wrap my brain around three things :purpose, function and personality.

Purpose – School was and still is an important part of a persons life, and unless you are home schooled.. well most places here it is called truancy if you do not attend and your parents can be charged. Also, without a good high school grade you are looking at no college opportunities, and that can limit your future. The purpose of the schooling is to prepare you for life, and there is plenty of life past grade nine I promise.

Function – this was to daily function for me. How was I going to be able to function in school while feeling dysfunctional? I had to make myself participate is a few things (if you are shy you could sign up for the school paper, photography for the year book, or even a book club) and willingly smile at people and try my best to be friendly with people. Which was hard since I was a tough cookie.

Personality – finally, I stopped trying to ‘fit in’. I just stopped. I was me, and I liked me. It was others I had a problem with for the most part. So I would go my merry way into the classrooms and soon I had people talking to me that were really great people. When you stick to who you are and don’t pretend to be something else, you gain some very valuable friends that have very similar interests or persona’s.

Hanging around out in the malls and what not IS a big waste of time. And some really enjoy doing that for down time. If you prefer to draw or write or read, take those tools with you. I never go anywhere without a book, a piece of paper and a pen to this very day… I just can’t be bothered with being bored.

If you have a problem talking with peers, I urge you to talk with the student councilor who might have some very sound tips for you to employ. Also, if you have a hard time talking in front of people… and this will be hard, but join a group like toastmasters where they actually coach people on how to talk intelligently and with purpose in front of others.

But ultimately this change has to come from you. You sound so desolate and set in the fact that things don’t change.. but they do all the time. And it is most often the changes that we make that make us happy. Don’t lose hope, and be the change that you want to see.

Aunt Babz said…

Read all the posts labeled with “Empowerment,”it just might help.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Love & Happiness

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hi there,

I don’t know where to begin, anyway I am divorced. I left my ex-husband for another man, not because I was in love with this man, but coz he could provide for my kids. I have 4 kids, My ex-husband was a good father in his own way, he never beat us, but we had a lot of money problems. I am 40 years old, divorced now for 4 years, and I always dream of getting my husband back, I do still love him. We went our separate ways without really talking about things, now its like a lot of unsaid things still hanging in the air, but when I try to talk to him, he never answers me and walks away. How do I fix things or get over it???
–
La Rochelle Recruitment

Regards

Linda
Mary
Stephanie

Our website:
www.lrra.co.za

Dear Friend,

It’s all about choices, is it not? I mean, love and happiness or a monetary life. While I can understand your need for a good provider, I chose the opposite; Love and Happiness. I didn’t find it, in that relationship. In fact, I’d been asked my hand in marriage by several men, in my lifetime, that owned 2 homes, cars, businesses and so on. One fella owned a huge construction business and several tobacco plantations. I couldn’t see myself, not loving that man and being with him. I chose the love or what I thought was love. My first husband was a good man but had problems, I didn’t understand, with depression and addiction. I left him and went from the frying pan, into the fire, all in the name of so called love. I’ve always regretted that and now it’s beyond too late. My husband died in 1989, while we were separated.

My advice would be to let love rule your heart. From your letter, I gather that you have your own job. I don’t know about your ex-husband but you must ask yourself, what will make you the happiest; Love or Money?

I always regretted leaving my husband. He was my very best friend but it went too far, got out of hand and then…it was too late. Life is all about choices. We have them, in every instance but we often can’t see it or we choose not to. I hope you will opt for happiness. You only get one go around and while it’s wonderful to cry, if you must, sitting in your Lexus with an Anne Klein suit, Gucchi bag and Jimmy Choo shoes, nothing beats loving arms.

I don’t get the impression that you are rich, just more secure. So, is it just the security that holds you in place? While we often think the grass is greener on the other side, what we fail to realize, is that quite often it’s only greener because it’s over a Septic Tank. The key to life is; Love, Laughter and Family. If you don’t have that sense of love and laughter with this new fella, take a look at that. If you’ve entertained notions of your ex-husband, simply because you have a past with him, I suggest committing to your husband, your current husband and making the choice to put your ex, in the past. It is a choice, either way and in all fairness, you must make one or the other. If you’ve really thought this through and you realize that you are not happy with your current husband because he does not have the same qualities, that your ex did, you need to look at that as well.

My suggestion is; to write your ex-husband, after you’ve made some semblance of a decision, just where your happiness lyes. Making amends, if nothing else, will plant a seed. He may have deep seated pain, concerning the decision, you made, to leave him. If nothing else, it may give you the first step, to becoming amicable. I think it is paramount anyway, for your children, for you both to be mature and work on your relationship, first and foremost. Once you’ve done this, it may pave the way, for the next step, in making a permanent decision, concerning who you should be with.

So, write your ex and express the fact that you want, only a good relationship with him. Tell him that you do not want to continue, with things, the way they are. Express the fact that your are truly sorry, that things are the way they are and he was the last person, you wanted to hurt. He may see you as selfish, for what you have done. You took his wife, children, his very family from under him. You must have this in mind, as you write him. Nothing but good will come from your attempt at making amends. I can not promise, it will heal your ex but you owe it to yourself, to make that attempt.

While I realize, you feel you did what you had to do, for the sake of your children, please look at it all and deduce, if was the right decision.

Xmichra said…

I feel compelled to add that if you are not happy and do not love your current partner, that you owe it to him to be upfront about this. Maybe not is such dramatic terms.. but how would you feel if you knew that your spouse was only with you for your money? Doesn’t feel so great, not to be loved and to feel used.

Regardless of what you decide to do with the ex, you need to first be happy with you and your life. And sitting where you are, with the letter you wrote to Aunt B.. I think it’s safe to say that you are not happy emotionally. And I think it would be in your best interest to sort that out first.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

What If Syndrome

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Aunt Babz,

Hey there i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 months. He has told me that he has to go back to this home town to see his daughter for about 5 months. He ahs asked me to go with him but every time i say that i want to go he says that i will miss my family to much. But he has told me that he loves me and i love him too. I really want to go with him cause in the end it’s only 5 months and i would like to meet his family. What should i do

Dear Friend,

Well, to be honest I don’t think he wants you to go.. he just didn’t want to loose out if he came back. The whole “you will miss your family too much” is a cop out for “maybe I made a mistake”. At least that is what I think.

I would really question why five months? What is going on that in five months time he would be willing to come back home? What is that all about? I certainly think it sounds strange, and a little like a devised plan that is not likely going to go well.

But if you do decide to go taking a few precautionary steps wouldn’t hurt. Make sure that you have a place to stay and a job, in case things don’t pan out with your boyfriend. I would say that to anyone who was moving far from their support line (family in this case), you just can’t ever be too safe in that regard.

Also, you might want to check what the living arrangements are going to be like. If he was only intending to stay for five months (which too me sounds really odd) then chances are he wasn’t signing a lease. So just be sure what kind of accommodation there is, and if he was planning to stay with someone that they are aware that you will be joining him. Nothing makes for tension like an unknown guest.

If you decide not to go, just keep in mind that love travels, and if he is true he will not stray and you will be fine. If it wasn’t meant to be, then that’s it. If you want to go, but your gut is telling you that you really shouldn’t…. then I would listen to that instinct. And the same for the reverse situation, if your gut is telling you that this is the smart move then I would do it. Regretting something you took a chance on is sometimes much easier to deal with then the “what if” syndrome of not doing things. However, going against your gut will almost always land you in a bigger pile of shit then ever expected.

Good luck, and let us know what you decided.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Gaining Miles

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Good Evening, I was curious on how to start my life in the right

track. Im 21 and cant get back into school(which in

consideration I dont have and post secondary except

for a few remedial classes) I have tremendous debt

(around the 15,000 range give or take a 1000 dollars)

and have been looking for a job for the past 1 and a

half. I dont have any constant income let alone any Im

21 years old and have no /way to turn. No special

talents or hobbies except for boxing but I have a hard

time just getting there because I never have enough

gas in my car. I really dont have any real friends and

the ones I do are in worser situations then I am. The

only thing that I do hold dearly to me is my faith and

my mother. I dont know nobody in a position to help me

what should I do. It seem s as is nothing can go my

way if it aint one thing its the other you now. I try

so hard to give the little that I have but It seems as

they take my kindness for weekness, I also need a way

to get these tattoos off my hands

Dear Friend,

Your dilemma is a common one in this day and age, where you feel like you are being trapped in that rut and unable to get out of it. How one gets out however is very uncommon, if for the only reason is how you will do it, it changes and is different for everyone.

Luckily you are twenty one and not fifty one, which shouldn’t matter but it does have an exceedingly higher opportunity to change and get help for that change (although I may add here that age is no limit for those who really want a change).

Let me tell you, I had a tough time in my early twenties (I am 31 this year) and had very similar problems. I moved out on my own when I was sixteen, and had acquired the debt of a thirty year old by the time I was twenty three. Not fun. I also had not completed my post secondary education, and had a student loan tacked on to remind me of what I had not accomplished. I was married by twenty three, no stable employment and debt. Lots of things started to look very bleak and I wasn’t sure how on earth I was going to get out of it all, very much like you.

So I will tell you what I did, and a few paths you can choose, and hopefully we can start back on the path to the rest of your long and good life.

My parents lived pretty far away, and I had no support financially, from anyone but myself. I didn’t have a very good job, but I did at one point have three not very good jobs. Trust me, this leaves little room for anything else… but if you want to get out of debt quickly you can take that road. I lasted a matter of six months before I was so sleep deprived that I finally gave two up. But in that six months I managed to make a sizable dent on my debt. And these were not high paying jobs. They were all minimum wage, no education required. I worked as a waitress in the early morning, worked at a convenience store in the afternoon and then as a bartender at night.

You can imagine the lack of sleep, but these were all part time jobs as well, so it left a little wiggle room. The one thing I can say I loved about this is that I had three different places to work and didn’t get bored or upset because of the small amount of time I was spending in each place. It’s a lot different when you are working one job for 16 hours a day as opposed to three jobs, four hours each for sixteen hours a day. And that is what kept me going in reality, because of the constant change I was usually happy to be there and eager to work. Which makes a huge difference in your cash flow, especially when you are working for tips.

That is one thing I would suggest as well, work a job that tips out. Even if it is only for a few hours a day, you have your regular pay plus that little extra, which could make the difference of a five dollar an hour job turn out to be a twenty dollar an hour job. But beware, you will need to set that aside and deposit into your bank account because free pocket money becomes spending money, and that is the last thing you need right now.

After that six months I decided to keep the one waitress job. It was worth the most amount of money (when you include tips) and I was able to acquire more hours since I was a reliable employee. Big word that is, reliable. Being reliable and hard working will gain you MILES when trying to make your way up in the world. Even with a minimum wage job, always think that you are working for your future. So I had this waitress job, and I made a few life choices. Those were, no drugs, no drinking (except on birthdays and the like) no extra spending (like buying the newest CD or going to the theater for a movie). These are all luxuries, not musts. You do need to enjoy yourself though, so I would rent a movie and make popcorn at home. I would go to the grocery store and buy a dinner for six (cheaply made, spaghetti or lasagna makes a powerful dinner with little cost) a couple bottles of wine (which are looked at being classy but cost very little) and invite friends over for dinner. I would go to the park with a few buddies, pack a picnic (another cheap solution, cut sandwiches veggies and dip) and toss a Frisbee around for a few hours. All things that are cheap and you can usually get more than one person in on the cost if you are really truly broke. Just keep in mind that if it costs more than forty bucks, it will likely not be worth the time getting out of debt.

Every single pay check that I had, I would take out ten percent and that would be mine. No one else’s. Everything else would go to bills and food and debt… which seems like such a crap shoot, but you do need something for you. Later, when I became a little more established I still took that ten percent and put it into savings bonds, great habit to get into. You just need to get there, and you will.

But I think the best thing that I did for myself was to never sell myself short. I would do extra things for my employers to gain more experience and more skills. I was twenty seven when I had my daughter, and still not making near what I do now. But when I came back off of maternity leave (which was tough financially) I went back to work for Tim Hortons ( I had worked there for a year before I went on maternity leave) and started to really build my way up. I was honest, reliable and quick on my feet, which got me to supervisor. I was smart with numbers and people, which in another nine months made me a branch manager. Then after proving that I could do the ordering of all the supplies and scheduling I was promoted to the store manager. Once I had this skill and length of service under my belt I was able to look for something that was more my style. I applied with an oilfield firm to do their accounts payable. I had absolutely no experience other then the loyalty and fantastic job record from Tim Hortons. That got me the job, along with a very good interview. I had it in my head that I could do that job, and would be an asset to the firm, and I got it. Those stepping-stones got me to where I am today, I am a human resources manager with a major retail company, and I am paid well and respected. I can go to the movies, eat at restaurants, and enjoy my time. It just took awhile to get here.

So, what was the point of all that? Work hard, don’t give up, cut back on expenses.

Now, you had said that you have no real support and that you hold your faith and your mother close to your being. I am sure that if your mother could help you she would, but it sounds as though she is not in the best of situations to do that. So lets explore your other strength and that is your faith. Although I am not a religious person, I know that religious factions have multiple branches of help. Your particular branch likely convenes at a particular time and date for ceremonies. If I were you I would attend those as often as possible, because if there is one thing that I feel you are missing is the bond of a true friend. Friendships occur when you have similar interests, and often when you are involved with the same things. Going to such factions can really help you with making friends that have similar goals, and also help you to feel good. I have not been to many such ceremonies that didn’t leave its patrons feeling at least a little better about themselves. And you need that strength, and if that is what you hold dear, that is what you should do.

Also, in many churches and factions of that type, there are plenty of opportunities for growth. Many times I have employed members of the church on good faith, because their parishioner had put in a good word. And I can think of none that have remotely come to disappoint me or my fellow co-workers. These factions also have things like food drives if you are so in debt that you need help just getting by, clothing banks and second hand stores to furnish your place. All helping solutions that most ‘good will’ places use to help others out.

Now, I don’t know how different it is between where you live and I live, but here we also have an education team that teams up with the churches and helps underprivileged people gain employment skills. Those skills include typing, computer knowledge, basic accounting, mechanics, plumbing and the like. These skills are a great start to get you into a job as an apprentice, and can make for a huge pay off. I know that one of my friends did this with the mechanics, and became an apprentice. He was making slightly higher then minimum wage, but after a year his employer paid for his schooling as long as he maintained his employment with that employer for the duration of the schooling plus one year. A lot of trades will do this because of the high demand for good people, and they are investing in their company by training the right people and having them devoted to their company for five years (as opposed to hiring a journeyman mechanic with no real loyalty and having that person get a different job in a year. Sometimes experience and education doesn’t matter all the time, it is the longevity of service and willingness to stay focused). I worked for that oil field firm and saw this happen all the time. More often then not, the person stayed with the company long after the ‘deal’ because they felt that the company had done so much for them and they were happy to be in a company like that. Really great way of hiring I say.

Also, I am not sure where you live, but if you qualify for employment insurance, welfare, social assistance and the like… they usually have programs for individuals to gain the knowledge they need to gain meaningful employment and to get you back into the work force. You just need to be the one who asks, and you need to truly stick with the things that they want you to do. Some people find that it is a ‘waste of time to go over things that you already know… but I ask this, what time exactly are you wasting? The time you are currently not working and unemployed? Very silly way to think. These people are employed to help others out, and are trained to help and educate. Think of the things that you think you know as a refresher, and that everything takes steps to learn. The only thing I would keep in mind is that the natures of programs are supposed to be used to help you get back on your feet, not to sustain your life. So if you do travel this path, I urge you to keep that fact in mind and to respect the provisions.. And maybe one day give back with time, money or support. Those are just a few paths, getting into an apprenticing job, social assistance, church outreach programs, working your way through a low paying job. But no matter what the path you choose, trust me if you want to make a go of this life only you have the power to harness it. Only you can brush the dust off when you feel you have fallen, and only you can decide that you are not going to settle for second best.The tattoos might be a little more difficult.

Removal of tattoos is expensive and very painful. I had one removed, and that was NOT fun. But a somewhat easier solution is to buy cover up. I see this done all the time. Brides not wanting the skull tattoo on the back of their necks showing for their big romantic day, they use cover up to mask it. I use a thicker mattee cover up on my tattoo on my ankle when i am wearing a skirt and have a business function to attend. It works rather well. The only thing that may hinder you is gaining employment that requires you to work with water (like a dish washer, a car wash jockey, a waiter). So in that regard, i would be upfront with the employer and tell them that you will do your best to cover them up, but it is going to be tough with water around. Things may take a little while ( I know for me it did), but you are not done by any stretch of the imagination. Good luck, and let us know what you find out.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Catch More Bees with Honey

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hi Aunt B

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and it has been both a good satisfying relationship and a struggle. Both I and my husband, met in a support group and have been in recovery for 15 years. We both had previous relationships that didn’t work out but never when both parties were sober.This is my problem- I became disabled 9 years ago as a result of a work injury ( I broke my back in the health care industry) since that time I have had 3 spinal surgeries and am in severe pain all the time. We recently moved to a new “dream home” which both of us agreed upon. The trouble is that I do most of the household chores, I ask my husband to help me and he gets extremely angry or he doesn’t do what I ask. I can ask him 20 times to do something and he won’t do it. I get fed up and get angry and then he will begrudgingly help me. I can ask him to vacuum (which I cannot do) and he wont do it for weeks if ever. I feel extremely depressed over this situation because when we moved into this new home (which is very large) he agreed that we would both contribute to housework. So far he hasn’t done much of anything to maintain the cleanliness of the house, I do everything. I wouldn’t be so bad if I was healthy, but I am in extreme pain and it is a huge effort for me to keep the house very clean which is the way I like to live. To make it worse, he goes out all over the neighborhood helping people with chores and work and then wont help me when asked. He spends a lot of his time out helping others and will literally Run when someones else asks him to do something. To his credit, he has been very good to me monetarily and is there for me with support of the house, he has retired now so it’s not like he’s working full time and then he’s coming home and I’m asking him to do housework in his off hours. When he was working I was able to hire a lady part-time to help me around the house. Now that he’s retired he gets livid if I say I want to get someone to help me. He gets irate if I say that I cannot do all the work alone. And I have to add that we are financially (not poor) we have money. When I say I’m going to get someone to help me he gives me dirty looks and wont talk to me. Thanks for listening Aunt B

JAYNIE HOUT

Dear Jaynie,

I too live with excruciating pain, so I know what you are dealing with. Some days are better than others. Quite often, the simplest tasks can seem insurmountable, not to mention, just the thought of having to do something, you know will be painful, causes stress.

It’s unfortunate but I have noted that more often than not, people with physical pain are not given too much compassion. I do not understand this premise but it is real. They seem to have more sympathy and understanding if, for example, they can see the reason for the pain, i.e., a cast and so on.

How do I know this? Well, I for one, in my healthier days, had no sympathy for whiners, as I so fondly referred to them. I had no sympathy for what I did not understand and quite often, people are guilty of this. If they’ve not walked in your moccasin, they don’t have empathy. If they can’t see, with their own eyes, your pain or the reason for your pain, they don’t seem to comprehend. It’s a sad, sad commentary on life, as we know it but it exists. I do believe God allowed me to go through, what I have to gain perspective and lots of Empathy.

It’s quite possible, your husband does not comprehend, just how intense your pain is, not to mention, how distasteful it is, for you to live, in dirt. He obviously, does not realize that a simple job, such as vacuuming causes you pain and I’d be willing to bet, that you are able to vacuum but pay for it dearly. He has seen that you will do it and figures that you’ll eventually fold your cards, get fed up and just do it.

In addition to not taking you and your pain, as seriously, as he should, I think you have a lack of respect, factoring into this. You may question me saying this but let me point out a couple things. When he runs to help others, it is because he wants to keep, attain, maintain respect, for the individual that he’s helping. A lot of that is posturing. He wants these people to look up to him, think he’s a good guy, keep or gain their respect. I’m sure, he only does these things, out of the goodness of his heart and he wants them to have a high opinion of him. I mean, really, who goes out of their way to do odd jobs, for nothing, unless their is an actual motive. Even the best of intentions, have a motive. I think his MO is to let things go, at the house but keep up this persona on the outside.

It’s the same as a guy/person, who speaks to you, in a nasty tone, says harsh things, cusses you but he wouldn’t dare behave that way, to a friend or neighbor. If he respected your relationship, he would treat you, as a would a friend. What happens, in many situations, is they become lackadaisical, familiarity breeds contempt and they lose sight of that respect factor. So, what can you do about it?

First you bring to his attention, the respect factor, he no longer has. Ask him if he feels he can treat you any kind of way? Demand his respect and tell him, if he wants yours to continue and he wants to be the head of the household, he must behave like the head and pull his weight. Being a nice guy starts at home. As it is, he’s obviously not held your respect, or you’d not have written.

The other suggestion I have is two fold;

1. Hire someone to vacuum, only vacuum, once a week.
2. Call his bluff and tell him, you want to move to a smaller home, one that you can manage.

Your approach, to a man, such as your husband must not be as a nag. He stopped hearing you, long ago and your attempt to make him do things has failed, right?
You get more bees with honey, than vinegar. Change your style possibly, when you ask him for help. Try not to sound so demanding, don’t nag because he’s just being rebellious. Sorry, but my perspective or experience is that men are just boys, in big clothing. If they think, you’re telling them what to do, they will do the exact opposite. If they think you are trying to run the show, they’ll throw a wrench in the works. Find a different way, to ask your husband for assistance.

Don’t hound him, stop nagging and possibly let your standards down just a tad. I know you like things neat and tidy, many of us do. I know that I was a nut sometimes but I did have to learn that a little dirt, never killed anyone. I am not telling you to live as pigs in a stye, you shouldn’t have to. But if you are on his butt from dawn to dusk about all this cleaning stuff, that isn’t important to him, you are just annoying him and he won’t budge. Nope, he’s gonna show you who’s in charge, what’s what and what’s not.

My Advice; Put on your prettiest lipstick, nicest lingerie, lure him into your boudoir, sex him up, tell him you are sorry for nagging him, ask him to help you, when he can and pay for someone to come in and just vacuum.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Possible Penance

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I am in a situation, and I’m not sure what to do. I have been married for 28 years, most of which has been enjoyable. Over the last few years, my wife decided that our sex life was over. I am 53, she is 48, We had some serious discussions about this…she would promise to do better, but better never happened. In February of this year, I started an affair with a married woman, somewhat younger than I, who was essentially having the same problems at home as I, but she was also dealing with an abusive spouse. When we started out, it was to be a friendship to provide sex and intimacy to one another. As you might guess, the relationship grew to be much more than that…we fell in love. We agreed recently that we would both leave our existing relationships, and start anew with each other. This past Thursday, I told my wife of my intentions, and left. She was “floored”, as she never suspected anything. Since I have left, I have been experiencing almost constant guilt, and the related feelings that go with it. On one hand, her lack of giving me the intimacy that I needed and deserved caused me to go elsewhere to find that, which is very important to me. On the other hand, we did experience many wonderful times and memories over the years. It kills me when my mind starts remembering things that were good. I’ve had some thoughts about going back to her, and trying to work things out. I just don’t know if she would ever be able to get over the hurt, nor ever trust me fully again. Then there’s the thing about sex and intimacy that may never change. Also, I do love the woman I am with. I promised her that I would follow through wwith this, which factored into her own decision to leave her husband as well. In addition, she is not in a position to sustain herself financially without my help. Is is normal to have the feelings that I am having? Also, I would most appreciate any advice that you may have for me in this matter.

Dear Friend,

Instead of giving advice, I think in this one I will actually refer to feeling and healing. I know that seems odd, but you don’t need advice. You have made your way and are living with the consequences. What you need now is the resource to ‘deal with it’.

Sex is a complicated part of a relationship. Some people can have sex multiple times a day. Some can live without it. But the real issue is intimacy, not sex. Any person can masturbate, watch porn, and get a joy toy, what ever it is that you need to release all those hormones. But the physical intimacy of your lover, your partner, that is what is so important. And unfortunately, many lose their sexual drive when they get older, are on medication, and multiple other reasons. You have obviously been on the side where this is just not good for you, and was not having the issue resolved. You have talked about it with your ex-wife and you did express your desire. She in turn could not do what it was that you were asking. There is no fault here… just an unfortunate and natural part of life.

Seeking out intimacy is something that 99% of today’s society will get down on a married person for. Of course I am guessing on the statistics, but honestly I think that to be pretty darn close. But thankfully, that doesn’t matter. Why? Because no one can really judge another until they walk in your shoes. And a relationship without sex, without that bond, without trying to rekindle, well, that can make the most loyal partner go astray. Doesn’t matter if it is right or wrong, it is human biology.

But what to do with the old noggin’ once the deed is done.

Seems to me that you are not quite happy with the relationship that you are currently in. I know that you stated that you love this woman, but I also think you are comparing her to your ex-wife who was absolutely great minus the no sex thing. So now you are questioning how much the sex really meant to you. Also you are likely wondering if you should have gone down this road at all. Which is expected when you still have intense feelings for another person.

I always tell people, a few things, when it comes to making a decision and one of them is to actually not think of the other person but to think of your self. Are you happy with the person you are with? If not, why is it that you are unhappy? If you think it is because you had shared and loved your life with your ex-wife, then think of her next. How much penance are you willing to do for her to trust you again? And do you think that she would even grant you that option? Given that she is likely not going to bend on the sex issue, can you be faithful to her? Are you ready to give up your sexual expression to be with her and really BE with her? Then the hard part, if you are thinking that you are not happy with the woman you are currently with, or any of the above questions, you do need to step up and call it off. No matter what the outcome is with you and your ex-wife. You need to be fair with this woman, and you need to be kind. She left an abusive relationship, which is great, but that will pack a lot of esteem issues and the last thing she needs is to go crawling back. So if you need to break it off with her (and you do if you are not 100%) then do the out of the ordinary and make sure that she has solid provisions and support. She will need it.

Maybe you are fine with the decision you have made regarding your ex-wife, and the two of you have ended amicably (or as well as you could) and you are having a hard time healing on your own. I don’t know all the details, so I am going out on a limb. Healing a wound that is not your own is difficult, and sometimes only time can take away the sting. But if you know, or think you know what it is that you ‘feel’ you need to do, then just do it. Make that phone call, make that visit, have a talk, write a letter. Do what ever it takes to say “I’m sorry”, no matter if it is to your ex, your current partner, children if there were any. Who ever it is, even if there are multiples. Healing is a difficult thing to try and take on, but it doesn’t happen over night and without effort

Part of the guilt that you are suffering is that you did indeed cheat on your wife. The fact that she was ‘floored’ means that no matter how often (or not) you two were having sex she never thought that you would stray. Comfort with your partner will make a person think this. And you know this, and feel guilty. So ask yourself this, you know first hand what it feels like to not have the whole of your partner. You know what it feels like to hurt someone (even if you really didn’t mean too). You know that the affair was (although probably uncharacteristic for you) ‘wrong’. So, why would you doom yourself to repeat any of it by not playing fair with your current lover?

.

Guilt comes to us when we have felt our morality has been compromised, and when we have hurt those we love. It doesn’t come to us for finding a hundred dollar bill on the street, even if it was someone’s last resort. We don’t know that, and we are blinded by the lack of connection. Guilt is your heart and soul way of telling you something is wrong, and you need to do something to make it right.

I’m not saying that you should leave your partner and see what happens with your ex. Hell, maybe all that your heart needs is to apologize, really apologize and have your ex forgive you. Maybe your soul needs to feel like you haven’t ruined someone else’s life (and I don’t think any one person is to blame here, just for the record). Maybe you need to be completely honest with the woman you are with in order to make this a good move for you. Honestly, I do not know the answer.

Even though I said I wasn’t going to do it… My advice is this; listen to all those things that your heart is telling you is right. Otherwise, you will just be living in guilt. Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Sorry For The Delay

Dear Readers,

I’ve been on vacation. I was unable to access my old emails, while I was gone. Thus I’d not been able to answer any letters, I received prior to leaving.

I do apologize for the delay in your answers and will get to them, as soon as humanly possible. I thank you for your patience.

Aunt Babz

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

True Colors

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

i have been going with this girl for about 3 years of and on this last time i lived with her for a year and a half she has a little girl 4 tears old i’m very close to i was with her more than anybody. we both lost our jobs about the same time mine due to a work injury. we were stressed out and i was getting depressed i fianlly got help for that but it was to late she told me to get out and when i was in the hospital she got rid of my stuff. i still can talk to her and she talk to me just not about us she said not to bug her so i haven’t called in about 3 days. i wrote her a 20 page letter letting know how i feel and miss her and tha little girl how i want to put back our family. i want to call her but i want her to have her space right now. what else can i do to get my family back!

Dear Friend,

Your situation sounds pretty heavy. Mixed emotions, depression, career changes, children.. it is hard to handle just one of these things but these are all the facets that make a relationship hard to work through.

First off though, I would like to commend you for seeking help for your depression. It is hard to seek help, and actually learn from that help. You did the right thing there, and I hope that you benefited greatly from it.

If I were you, I would sit back and evaluate how your relationship with this girl has changed. I don’t say this to be mean… but she has a child to worry about and she may feel that it is in her best interest not to start something so heavy again and you might just have to accept this and move on. But I will finish that thought later.

I don’t know what happened entirely, so I am giving the benefit of the doubt that what happened between the two of you is simply a sequence of unfortunate situations, which made your relationship fracture.

The loss of a job is a difficult burden when you not only have yourself to provide for but also a child. This situation can pile on the stress by the ton, especially if it involves an injury where you are not able to get into the work force again right away. This type of unemployment can and does put an enormous strain on a relationship, especially if the other partner has had to carry the burden of being the only worker in the household. Now, you had said both of you had lost your jobs at the same time, yours was due to injury. Did she end up working again and supporting you? Because if this is the case, she may not be ready to discuss having a relationship because she feels that she unfairly carried the responsibility of earning money while you couldn’t. Even in a relationship that has sustained thirty years, this is a trial to which many do not survive, that responsibility is so encumbering that on it’s own can tear a relationship apart.

It is natural for the human psyche to think that of a persons “true colors” , you see the most when in a troubled situation. She may think that while all these things were happening she got to see the true you, and isn’t prepared to tackle that again. And to be fair, she very well might not be prepared for you again or the stress of providing for another when she has her little girl to parent. Even if you are gainfully employed now, she will remember what it was like and be fearful if that were to happen again how that would affect her.

Now, if you really want to try something out you can ask her to go to couples therapy. This might help her to vent her true feelings and give you an opportunity to speak your truth as well. Given the situation though, I do not think that she will go for this. I think that by the sounds of what she is telling you that she does want her space, and doesn’t think of you in that regard anymore. And I am sorry to say this, but I think if she doesn’t want to make a relationship with you, that you will need to move on to keep yourself healthy.

Remember all the help you received to bring you out of your depression and the things that they likely said. Your mental health is dependent on you, and you alone. You need to make sure that you are all right, and if you find that this is too hard, I strongly urge you to seek help for your own safety. Please let us know if you need some support, as there are plenty of resources that can be linked in your area. Good luck to you.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Showing Sensibility

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Xmichra answers…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, i am looking for advice. My situation is deffinately not an easy one. You see i’m fifteen & am dating, or i should say.. was dating a seventeen year old. We got along so great, it was finally like my serious boyfriend where i was comfortable around and just had a good time. We dated for three months and unfortunately made a stupid decision where we had done something together which shouldn’t of happened. [we were "sexually" active, but not to the point where i was having sex, if you know what i mean?] It’s not an easy topic to talk about. Well my mom had found out from reading a text message of mine, and she pretty much flipped. Then on top of that rumors stated he cheated on me, i finally think i got to the bottom of that, it ended up as his x gf just made it up to break us up because she still is in love with him, but my mom found that out to & she just had it. Now were broken up, cause i said i needed time, but we are working on getting back together & starting fresh, like no more fighting and things, but the problem is my parents refuse to let me see him. I don’t know what to do, i will not get over him, i like him TOO much just to throw it all away. I’m stubborn and always want what i cant have, so i really need to find a way to prove to my mother i’m sorry & hopefully get her to consider letting me see him again. :[ please help me, i don’t know what to do. I understand why she is mad, i dont blame her. I messed up but people make mistakes and i deffiantely learned. I also feel bad because i keep lying to my x boyfriend about how i can’t see him, cause he has no idea about what is going on. If you can get back to me as soon as possible. thanks a bunch<3333

Dear Friend,

Let me just say that as a used to be teen… I 100% understand. You are not alone in feeling like this is the worst possible scenario, and if you are anything like your letter sounds you do appear to be as responsible as a teen can be. That’s saying a lot.

So to the question at hand, what to do now. I am assuming that you are female here.. but if you are male, there is some much different advice to give.

Pretty much goes one of two ways, you keep lying to your boy and to your family and one day you will get caught (and trust me, it always works like that) and you will have affirmed to your parents that you cannot be trusted.. and your boy will likely think you are ashamed of him… which will likely result in a break up.

Or, and this is that hard part of life, you tell the truth all the time. You tell your parents that you want to keep seeing this boy. Maybe (and I know this sounds lame) having “dates” where you are at your parents house so that they feel more comfortable. Or in group settings like the movies. Places where “things” aren’t going to happen will help to build back that trust.

You do have to watch the legal age for sexual consent in your area as well. If your parents do not like this boy and really think that he is not good for you… well there could be a statutory rape charge if anything else were to happen. So be VERY careful about that. I know that you said the boy is 17, but how close is he to 18?? Think about those things, as you really don’t want things to go messy.

It might also help to have a really honest talk with your parents (or singly as sometimes moms and dads differ in reason) about what you want to do with your life and how you know sex is something to big for now. That you genuinely like this guy, and you do want to date him. And that you would appreciate a little bit of trust, and to trust that they brought you up to be a smart girl. You can say that you have learned that things were going too fast, and you know that in your head (or you would have just had sex) and that you would like the opportunity to show them that you are a sensible young woman.

Appeal to their parental prowess and that should gain a little ground on your part. If you go into a conversation like this unprepared.. you might come off sounding juvenile and they will not bend.

Now, having said all that.. I know that this is a topic that most people have a problem discussing. But if you start now, and open that pathway it could save you in the long run. No parent wants to hear that their little girl is having sex. It just isn’t a good thing in a parents eyes. All a parent can think is how much they have ‘put in’ to make your life better then theirs was and how fast it can take a drastic turn with the event of pregnancy, STD’s and physical abuse. These are the worst fears a parent faces.. something bad happening to their child, or something that will take away their child’s right to progress in a healthy timeline. So if you remember this, and respect that your parents have a very real fear.. then you might be able to change their minds. They may ask to know this boy a little more, maybe they are truly uncomfortable because they cannot tell what kind of person he is. And that is something you need to decide before you talk, weather this is something that you are willing to do so that you can preserve a relationship.

You do need to fess up to the boyfriend though. He needs to know that you are not ashamed of him, but that you need a little time to win your parents over. Starting of ‘fresh’ should include not lying, so keep that in mind.

Ultimately this is your decision, and hopefully it will go well for you if you take that second road. Best of luck, and let us know how things go.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Showing Sensibility

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Xmichra answers…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, i am looking for advice. My situation is deffinately not an easy one. You see i’m fifteen & am dating, or i should say.. was dating a seventeen year old. We got along so great, it was finally like my serious boyfriend where i was comfortable around and just had a good time. We dated for three months and unfortunately made a stupid decision where we had done something together which shouldn’t of happened. [we were "sexually" active, but not to the point where i was having sex, if you know what i mean?] It’s not an easy topic to talk about. Well my mom had found out from reading a text message of mine, and she pretty much flipped. Then on top of that rumors stated he cheated on me, i finally think i got to the bottom of that, it ended up as his x gf just made it up to break us up because she still is in love with him, but my mom found that out to & she just had it. Now were broken up, cause i said i needed time, but we are working on getting back together & starting fresh, like no more fighting and things, but the problem is my parents refuse to let me see him. I don’t know what to do, i will not get over him, i like him TOO much just to throw it all away. I’m stubborn and always want what i cant have, so i really need to find a way to prove to my mother i’m sorry & hopefully get her to consider letting me see him again. :[ please help me, i don’t know what to do. I understand why she is mad, i dont blame her. I messed up but people make mistakes and i deffiantely learned. I also feel bad because i keep lying to my x boyfriend about how i can’t see him, cause he has no idea about what is going on. If you can get back to me as soon as possible. thanks a bunch<3333

Dear Friend,

Let me just say that as a used to be teen… I 100% understand. You are not alone in feeling like this is the worst possible scenario, and if you are anything like your letter sounds you do appear to be as responsible as a teen can be. That’s saying a lot.

So to the question at hand, what to do now. I am assuming that you are female here.. but if you are male, there is some much different advice to give.

Pretty much goes one of two ways, you keep lying to your boy and to your family and one day you will get caught (and trust me, it always works like that) and you will have affirmed to your parents that you cannot be trusted.. and your boy will likely think you are ashamed of him… which will likely result in a break up.

Or, and this is that hard part of life, you tell the truth all the time. You tell your parents that you want to keep seeing this boy. Maybe (and I know this sounds lame) having “dates” where you are at your parents house so that they feel more comfortable. Or in group settings like the movies. Places where “things” aren’t going to happen will help to build back that trust.

You do have to watch the legal age for sexual consent in your area as well. If your parents do not like this boy and really think that he is not good for you… well there could be a statutory rape charge if anything else were to happen. So be VERY careful about that. I know that you said the boy is 17, but how close is he to 18?? Think about those things, as you really don’t want things to go messy.

It might also help to have a really honest talk with your parents (or singly as sometimes moms and dads differ in reason) about what you want to do with your life and how you know sex is something to big for now. That you genuinely like this guy, and you do want to date him. And that you would appreciate a little bit of trust, and to trust that they brought you up to be a smart girl. You can say that you have learned that things were going too fast, and you know that in your head (or you would have just had sex) and that you would like the opportunity to show them that you are a sensible young woman.

Appeal to their parental prowess and that should gain a little ground on your part. If you go into a conversation like this unprepared.. you might come off sounding juvenile and they will not bend.

Now, having said all that.. I know that this is a topic that most people have a problem discussing. But if you start now, and open that pathway it could save you in the long run. No parent wants to hear that their little girl is having sex. It just isn’t a good thing in a parents eyes. All a parent can think is how much they have ‘put in’ to make your life better then theirs was and how fast it can take a drastic turn with the event of pregnancy, STD’s and physical abuse. These are the worst fears a parent faces.. something bad happening to their child, or something that will take away their child’s right to progress in a healthy timeline. So if you remember this, and respect that your parents have a very real fear.. then you might be able to change their minds. They may ask to know this boy a little more, maybe they are truly uncomfortable because they cannot tell what kind of person he is. And that is something you need to decide before you talk, weather this is something that you are willing to do so that you can preserve a relationship.

You do need to fess up to the boyfriend though. He needs to know that you are not ashamed of him, but that you need a little time to win your parents over. Starting of ‘fresh’ should include not lying, so keep that in mind.

Ultimately this is your decision, and hopefully it will go well for you if you take that second road. Best of luck, and let us know how things go.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Real Deal

This is a post update, from this post;
Real Men Don’t Fool Around

Dear Aunt Babz,

Okay soo…. I have advice to ask of you again…

soo… me and my ex are planning a trip for about two or three days out of

state…

but… thinking about it… I dont know how much i actually wanna do that…

cause its like, I want to go, and just be alone with him, and just kind

of… I guess figure everything out with him away from everything and

everyone else, but then again….. I dont know how I would feel if something

did happen… Because he isn’t trustworthy, he is such a liar, and a total

player, but then again, like I have been saying, I really really love him,

which I know, makes no sense, but whatever.

But what do you think?

Think this is smart, and should I even be open to anything happening again

or what?

Dear Friend,

I think, only you can answer all this. But I can help you process it. Part of it, is that element of the unknown. Part of it, is if you are willing to chance him hurting you again. Part of it is that damn love, that’s blind, crippled and crazy. I know, I’ve been in it.

I firmly believe, you’ve outgrown this guy. There was a side of you, that wanted to fix him and help take care of him. I’ve been guilty, in the past of, “Mothering,” my men and we are the kind of woman to give it our all, fix it, make it better and so on. I want you to ask yourself, if this is what’s been going on and you’ve over looked the obvious because you are not a quitter. What’s the obvious?

You are already aware and have observed that this guy, and I quote, “ isn’t trustworthy, he is such a liar, and a total player.” Those are key issues, are they not? I mean, if you don’t have trust, can’t get the truth and expect him to behave like he’s the Pimp Playa, what do you have? Nada!

Take a look at what it really is, that keeps you thinking about him, as partner potential. Is it because he’s good in bed? You can’t stay in bed but for so long, right? Is it because he’s elusive and you like bad boys? I know I did. If the guy, just fell into me and I didn’t have to work at it, I chewed him up and spit him out. Nice guys do not make it in my world or they didn’t used to.

But we must work at being happy. A guy can be all those things but if he can’t be trusted, you have nothing. I do not believe it is an honorable trait to fool around. Somewhere along the line, men were taught that it’s how we do do things. It’s crap, if you ask me. Guys don’t realize it but we’re on to them. The only reason they fool around is because they have a low sense, of self-esteem and need it fluffed. As I said before, a real man does not need to fool around, to make him feel like a man. It’s not really all sexual, so I believe most of it, is so they feel like big men.

In the real world, there resides, Real Men. They are the kind of man, who are trustworthy, honest, stand-up guys, who are as good as their word. You owe it to yourself, to find one.

I believe your match, will be a guy who respects you, enjoys engaging conversation, is not intimidated by your professional side and loves you, for who you are. You know, you have that sassy side, he’ll respect you for it. As soon as you begin to realize that this Playa is an illusion of a man, the sooner, you’ll be able to see the Real Deal. No, he’s not Mr.GQ and you may not see him at first. You’ve been busy looking at the wrong kind of guy. No, he’s not all that good looking but he’ll treat you like the woman you are and appreciate you. He’s hiding in plain site or he will be. Watch for him.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Zero Tolerance for Violence; Take Action

This was left in the comments to Aunt Babz…

Anonymous said…

Help please
I have the same problem, my parents don’t listen to me and do nothing to stop it, my brother attacks me violently when I have to do my homework on the computer and is usually when my parents leave home, he thinks he dominates the computer, he bruised my hand purple, hit me with the vacuum stick, pull my hair out in chunks. I want to finish school and be something, but with all this going on, I cant take it anymore and I m stressed. I don’t know what to do. I want to tell someone but am afraid. He is 14 and I am now 15 turning 16. My life sucks. He has been doing this to me since I was 12. My parents don’t trust either to go out with my friends, that my dad follows me in his car, and even when I have to walk home from school. I have to go now, my brothers coming. Please help me

Dear Anonymous,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this. You are not alone. This is the third letter in a month or so, that I’ve received concerning this violent behavior by a sibling.

This issue is not new, as I can remember when I was a kid, my best friends brother, smacked her around all the time. We plotted to get him back, I don’t know how many times and eventually, we did some less than savory things to him.

There was a time, when I would’ve told you to pick up a bat and smack the day lights outa him. But I have learned violence begets violence. In this life though, if you allow yourself to be a victim, you will be. You must take charge of the situation. What can you do?

I wrote another post, Revisited; Zero Tolerance for Violence.

Read this and take what you can from it. If possible, either send the link to both posts, to your parents. If that doesn’t work, speak to your Guidance Counselor. Holding it all in, is not good, either. But the problem is and lies in the fact that you are allowing yourself to be a victim. You have to remember that, your parents probably don’t realize just how much of a problem this is, to you. After all, I doubt seriously, if they’ve seen your brother do what he does best. So, they probably figure it’s just kids being kids and dismiss it. If you don’t assert, what’s really going on and tell them how it affecting you, it will continue.

Just as I said, in the other post, I will say to you; Try to speak with your parents and you must let them know about it all. You must make them understand, just how bad this is. If you feel you can’t do that, the next time your brother starts, you tell him, you are going to call the police. You tell him, if he comes near you again, you will call the police. Pick up the phone and maybe he’ll stop.

I feel because of the nature of this, that you should print the posts out and give them to your parents. If you can’t do that, email the links, so they can read them. Here’s the links, you copy and paste them in the email. Just say, please read;

http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2007/07/revisited-zero-tolerance-for-violence.html

http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2007/06/no-tolerance.html

If you feel that distant, from your parents, that you feel you can’t send them these posts or talk to them, you can at least tell your brother that you will call the police. If he hurts you again, make the call. It is illegal, for him to lay one finger on you. Remember that. The police will address the issue.

You’ve got to realize that no matter how bad you can’t see it, you always have choices. They are there, you must trust that they are there and look for them.

The first choice is to stop crying about this. Dry your eyes, sit up and say, “I’m not going to be a victim here, anymore.” Don’t be afraid to tell your parents, how serious this is. The second choice is to take action. Follow through and call the police. I doubt seriously, they would take him away but it would possibly scare the crap out of him.

You said, “I want to tell someone but am afraid.” Afraid of what? My dear, you are setting yourself up, in the future, to be the kind of woman that suffers in silence, when her husband beats her. You can’t see this but I can. Been there, done that. It has to be Zero Tolerance for Violence. He does not have the right and should never lay a finger on you. It is wrong, it is illegal and you’d be doing him a favor, if you stop his behavior, now! Think of it as an Intervention.

Stop allowing this. Stop being a Victim. Take Action!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Men Are Not Mind Readers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email… Post Update- I’d answered a letter from this young lady, here; Words to Live By and she emailed me again, basically, with an update of her situation and an additional question;

Aunt Babz,

Thank you so much for the advice and the new perspective on things… your right, I really didn’t consider some of those things… but also on other terms things have changed since i wrote you that email… He did break up with his girlfriend because his true feelings weren’t for her they were/ are now for me. He never asked me to hang out with him until they broke up and our relationship has definitely changed a bit since then also. But i still dont know what to think i suppose.. One day he’s telling me that I have him hooked and how wonderful I am and the next it doesnt seem that he’s talking to me.. It’s like a roller coaster i suppose that I really shouldn’t be on.. and I guess that as much as I like him maybe I should get out while i’m still ahead and before i get hurt. But the other part of me is wondering if he told me how he really feels but that I just need to give him time and space because he is just getting out of a relationship… again still a bit confusing…. but starting to get it. If you wouldnt mind giving me your feed back on the situation one last time I think I would really like that.. Your a big help. Thank you so much!

Sincerely,

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

It’s good to hear from you and it’s even better to hear that things just might work out. I like the fact that he stepped away from her, the ex girlfriend. Even if we’re worried, that we’ll hurt someone we care for, honesty is always the best policy. In turn, as I stated in the last post, we must treat others, as we want to be treated, right?

You said, “I guess that as much as I like him maybe I should get out while i’m still ahead and before i get hurt.” Now, I want you to look at those words. They speak volumes to me. Why did you say them? Do you have a gut feeling, on this? My point is to always listen to your gut feelings. I call it, the “Small Still Voice.” I believe it is the Spirit, speaking to me. We need to listen, when the Spirit speaks. I don’t know how many times, in my life, when I heard it but shook my head, didn’t listen and went on. It usually turned out badly.

We don’t need to over analyze this or your words. I only wrote that for future reference, something to think about and more words to live by.

It is true, he’s just stepped out of a relationship. He may have a little trepidation, as to stepping, full throttle, into another. I think the best thing you can do, is give him his space and hopefully, he’ll meet you in the middle, sooner than later. By giving him space, he can sort things out, you won’t be hounding him and it also serves to give you time, to look and listen, observe and watch how things culminate. The more safe distance, you allow yourself, the less likely you will to be hurt. If and when he’s ready, he’ll pull you in the middle. He won’t feel you’ve pressured him and he can’t think or say, you nagged him about things, right?

Give it a minute, for his heels to cool from the last endeavor. After a small grace period, if you will, you then ask him to define your relationship. If you feel he’s still being distant, you need to say so. As I said, give him a minute to adjust and be understanding. beyond that, don’t you dare settle for not knowing where you stand.

Nothing is worse than a nagging woman, remember this. But never allow yourself to not say how you feel. Never be afraid to ask him to sum things up. Yes, it takes two to Tango but we all have a right to be happy. If he’s not there for you, you must always give your partner, that chance to look at things. Quite often, we feel they should know how we feel. But honestly, men are not mind readers, the lack a bit in the intuition, assessment and catching on department. So, give him some time and then tell him how you feel.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Find Happiness

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Babs,

this is my first time using this but I need help.. you see my ex boyfriend I love him and all but I’m not in love with him any more I’m 19 years old and he’s 21 his father died when he was 10 years old.. so really he has just his mom, but I’ve had problems with her we just don’t get along.. and all he does is do nothing but have everything given to him by his mother.. so I’m the one that bust my butt working a real job.. I went out with him for about 2 ½ years and I came to a conclusion that this isn’t the life and future I want.. I tell him that I love him and care for him but I don’t lead him on b/cuz I don’t want to hurt him.. but when we do see each meaning if he knows I’m somewhere he’ll be there in 10 mins without me even knowing that I know he knows where I am.. and he always makes me have a guilt trip.. no I didn’t cheat. I was there. He says I act different when I’m with my friends . he constantly calls my friends.. he goes by my house like stalker type but not abusive.. leaves notes , he goes to my house to see if my car is there. I just don’t know what to do anymore please help me..

Dear Friend,

We all have the right to be happy. If you are honest, which you must be, you will have guilt free, happiness.

I already have the sneaking suspicion, that this guy is so controlling. Love is one thing but to feel you’re in a constant state of distrust because of his jealousies, is not healthy. If he’s like this now, I just can’t imagine him, in a few years or if you were to give in and get married or something.

My suggestion is for you to begin to move away from the sticky situation, you’re in, right now. I think that may start with, honesty. You may have to sit him down and tell him, exactly how you feel. Do it in a public place, if possible. What I mean by that, is I just have this feeling, that he’s not going to take it well. If you are in a quiet restaurant and you are exact, about your feelings, he’s less likely to go off.

I’m afraid that, you may have to cut off all ties, to this fellow, once you’ve made up your mind to do it. I don’t think there’s a good chance of friendship, in the wake of your telling him, exactly how it is.

I do think you owe it to yourself, to find happiness. You also owe it to him, to be honest and then move on, as painlessly as possible.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Good Taste

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I’ve always been like one of the guys and I just got to know one of them this year and I think he’s great. When I say ‘I’m so fat’ he says, ‘no you’re not’. He likes to sit with me in our classes and at lunch he lets me sit at his table or if it’s crowded we sit alone at my old abandoned table. I think I like him but I’m not sure if he likes me back. I was talking to his sister and I asked how he was doing because I haven’t talked to him for 2 months. She said good, he misses you. And then she said not like that like friends. And I said tell him I miss him too. But I think I missed hanging out with him and being around him. I’m not sure If I like him as just a friend, and I’m not sure if he likes me more than a friend. HELP!

~LoveStruck?

Dear ~LoveStruck?,

I imagine, if you like him, that much, why keep it all bottled inside? Devise a plan, to speak with him and maybe go out. Really, what do you have to lose?

You have to live on the edge sometimes, now don’t you? Putting things into perspective; What would happen, if you speak with him and ask him out?

1. He tells you, he only likes you as a friend
2. He begins to see you differently, on your date
3. He tells you, to go scratch

If #1 were to happen, you already knew this, right? No harm, no foul. You go on about your way and hope for the best. You knew this, from the start, so you’ve not set yourself up for a fall.

If #2 were to happen, which is a good possibility, if you play your cards right, you might win. Body language speaks and if you go out, having a persona of a sexy young woman, desirable with dignity, a noteworthy and attractive possibility, he will see you, as you really are. He apparently likes you and your company. By the way, the best couples, the ones with longevity, were best friends first.

Well, #3, we won’t even entertain, ok?

Obviously, you must have a bit of a self-esteem issue, right? You’ve looked for validation, from someone else. This is normal. Do you feel fat? be honest with yourself, improve what you can, on every level and accept who you are. Once you’ve done this, things and how people perceive you, will change. I suggest, reading any post, labeled “Empowerment,” or Empowerment Practices,” as a good start. You are not the first, to feel this way and you won’t be the last. You can certainly win though and I’m betting on you. Do your homework, on assertive women and any posts like it, on this site alone. You will win, just about anything, if you can become assertive and honest with yourself.

Why is self-honesty important? When we can look in the mirror, assess ourselves, improve on the improvable and become comfortable in our own skin, how can anybody, really hurt us? I mean, if you’ve been brutally honest with yourself, done what you could, to be a good person and they still don’t accept you, like you or want to have a relationship with you, it’s not on you, it’s on them.

We all have different tastes, in the opposite sex and so on but if you are the true woman, I know you can be and they don’t have interest in you, do not take it personally. You just are not their flavor. But Mr. Right will come along and he’ll like what he sees. He’ll have good taste, I guarantee it!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

L.I.R.R.-Woman On the Tracks

Dear Readers,

This is not my usual posting but suffice it to say, we must all look for miracles, huh? So much could have gone wrong. It didn’t and more often than not, we should see everyday miracles for exactly what they are. If you look for good, you will find it. If you look for fault, you find it, as well. If we spend more time, looking at things, less as luck and more as divine intervention, well, it can renew the spirit…

Long Island, N.Y.-

A woman, drove through the barrier fence, onto the Long Island Railroad tracks this morning. As I walked out of the Pharmacy, adjacent to the Kings Park Station, I caught, a vision, the fence going down, as she had just driven through.

How she managed to get through there, so easily, is quite beyond me. A simple chain link fence with a type of plastic threaded through, the car fit right on through, jumping the curb,in the parking lot of the plaza, going under the fence. She became stuck, nose first, on the tracks. Another woman and I came running,frantically. I held the fence as she climbed through. I had 15 minutes, until my Nephew was to get off the bus at my home, thus, I didn’t crawl through but got the reports and assessment, on the other side. I could see the woman, an older lady but not much older than myself, walking up the tracks. I began to yell, for her to get off the tracks. She wasn’t listening to me at first and the other woman and I both yelled, forcefully, “Get the hell off the tracks, NOW!”

We called the Police and had them call MTA, to get someone down there, pronto, before this womans car was annihilated and someone was hurt. The vehicle, a late model, maroon car, was on the tracks enough, if the train were to come, it would have hit it and God only knows what else.

I checked on the woman and she claimed to be fine, however, I do think she was in shock. My assessment would be that she had no physical injuries. She was shaking but actually seemed calm, under the circumstance.
I went back to my employers and had them call the Police, as well, just to make sure, they knew the urgency and that this was for real.

This is surely, something to be grateful for. No one was hurt, no one was killed. I do imagine there were, as always, a few people, rather perturbed, by having to wait on their train. Oh well, huh?

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!

Xmichra answers…

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I don’t normally write for advice but I think I could sure use another person’ opinion right now. I have been in a 13 year relationship with a woman though we were apart for one of those years. When we first met she led me to believe that she was an accountant when she wasn’t, she said she had been in the military when she hadn’t been, from the time that we started the relationship she has always had financial problems and over the years has borrowed a lot of money from me. In the beginning I was very much in love with her and I felt she made me happy, but looking back I can see that her financial problems and moodiness took a toll on the relationship right from the start. Later when I asked her why she lied about these things she said that she thought that I would not have gotten involved with her if I knew the truth of who she was. I felt she was the most attractive partner that I had ever had when we first got together, and wondered why she would want to be with me. Now I can see that I had issues about my lovability which has been a difficulty of mine for most of my life. I have worked through a lot of these issues but I still struggle with codependency in spite of working hard not to interact & react in ways that don’t work for me. In the beginning, when my mother was still alive, she would interfere with the relationship and did not like my partner. She used to say that she was cold and that I deserved better. I would tell my mother that it was my choice to make whether I wanted to be in a relationship with her and that if it was a mistake, it was my mistake to make. There was always tension between my partner and my mother, but then my brother had the same problems with my mother with regards to his own relationship. I think that she just couldn’t let go of us and that no partner, unless it was a man in my case, would be “good enough” for either of us. My lover did do several things that destroyed my trust in her in the first year we were together. I went away on vacation and she watched my home, when I came back I discovered that she had responded to several credit card offers that arrived in my mailbox and hyphenated my name with hers and opened a card. She then proceeded to charge things to the card for my house while I was away. When I came back from vacation there was a new down comforter, etc. etc. and the house looked absolutely beautiful. I was so amazed that she had done so much to make it nice for my return. Still while I was gone she had move my furniture around and had gone through my personal effects (photos) while I was gone which I did not like. It wasn’t until a week later when one of the credit card companies called me at work about charges on “my” new card that I discovered that several credit cards had been opened without my consent. When I confronted her, she lied and said she didn’t do it, but it was indisputable that she had done it and eventually she came clean and apologized and said that she was sorry and would never do this again. We broke up over this event and about 4 months later got back together again, but this time I did not tell anyone we were seeing each other because I wanted to know how the relationship would work without anyone meddling in it. We saw each other for a year with some problems but nothing too serious, before I came clean with my friends and family and took a stand with them. We were together for another 4 years and when we had problems she would always say that it was because my mother meddled and because I was weak and wouldn’t stand up to my mom and didn’t back up my partner. The truth is that it was hard to back her up because she was rude to my mom and because she was always financially irresponsible, was moody and seemed to create conflict in the relationship. She has always been very, very moody and I can’t tell from one day to the next, and sometimes from one hour to the next if she is going to be nasty or nice. We used to have a good sex life but that has died away several years ago. We steadily had less and less sex and now I can say that we have only had sex once in the past 2 years. I found that I wasn’t wanting it with her anymore because the little loving touches, thoughtfulness, etc. weren’t forthcoming and I just didn’t feel connected or trusting of her with my feelings. We broke up again in 2002 for a year because she went out with me one night and got really mean (someone told her I was having an affair & I wasn’t) and when we got home she got verbally abusive and then in the heat of the argument physically attacked me. She choked me so hard that she left marks on my neck and afterwards she wouldn’t let me leave the house. It was only when she passed out on the bed later that night that I was able to get away from my house (she was living with me then). I went to my mother’s house because I didn’t feel safe at home and called the police the next day to help me go back to my house safely. They arrested her for physical abuse (I didn’t ask to press charges it was the law that if abuse is suspected that the person is arrested) and I ended my relationship with her. I was very hurt, angry, and thought I was really done with the relationship, I even had a legal restraining order in place to keep her away from me. A month after we broke up my mother was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer and she was dead within a month. I was devastated and went into a depression, it felt like my whole life had fallen apart. I ended up becoming involved with a woman that had been an ex of mine and I thought that she really loved me during the time after my mother’s death. I was very in love with her and I thought that she loved me too. Then suddenly after seeing me daily for almost 5 months she told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship with anybody. I hurt very badly when the relationship ended but I respected her wishes and did not try to pursue the relationship further. With everything that had happened in the previous 8 months I was on auto pilot just trying to get through each day. My enthusiasm for life, work, basically everything was gone and for the first time in my life I drank so much I thought my liver would give out. I made it to work and home every day, but that period was one of the darkest of my life. Thankfully, that phase passed and eventually I stabilized somewhat but I was still lonely and very sad. During this time my ex heard that my mother had died and came back in my life. She said that she had changed, that she had a good job, that she had learned how much she loved me and begged me to give her another chance. I think that I was lonely and in spite of my misgivings I agreed to give it another try. Not too long after that she persisted in wanting to move in with me saying that we could be together and that it would save us both on the rent and bills. I agreed and she moved back in to my Condo. We have now been together for 5 year since that time and I can’t say that it was a good choice for me. She had two long bouts of unemployment where I had to cover all the bills, where she wrote me checks for rent that bounced, where she spent days watching TV instead of looking for a job, etc. Finally, it got so bad that I told her she had to move and that I was done being responsible for everything. It was enough to jolt her into action and she finally found a job this past March. Now she is paying me back the money for her rent and her old bills but it will take a couple of years for her to do that if she were to stick to doing it. She still has bill collectors calling on my phone and says it is because she is paying me first before them because that is the most important thing to her to do. She says she is grateful that I stuck by her and helped her when the times were rough for her. But at the same time she is moody, unaffectionate. She says she loves me and wants the relationship with me to last and says that she is working on herself and it will take her time to get things to a place where things are good between us again. She says she will work on her moods and yelling when she is angry, but it only takes a day or so before she and I have some sort of argument. When she is mad she yells, I have asked her for years not to do this and now I remove myself from the room when she does this. Afterwards we end up passing by each other in the house for days without more than minimal verbal contact. I have tried to get through to her that I won’t, can’t live like this and that I will leave her if things don’t change. I told her that her moodiness, secretiveness, financial problems and physical coldness are not something that I want or need in a relationship and that I feel the relationship is dying. She says it is because we are not having sex, but when I have made myself open to us getting physically closer nothing happens she would rather sleep or watch TV She works nights and I work days and our schedules only overlap for two nights when we could sleep together. On those nights she will watch TV and then when she falls asleep she turns away from me and we don’t cuddle unless I initiate it. I have asked her many, many times to turn towards me when we sleep so that we can be close but it still doesn’t happen. She blames me for our lack of sexual and physical intimacy, she says that I cut her off when I am angry. I suppose she is right, because when she yells at me and insults me I don’t feel like getting physically close to her. I miss having loving touch and a consistently loving partner. In all the years that I have been with her I never cheated, I always told her that long before something like that could happen she would know because I would tell her that the relationship was in danger so that we could fix problems before they got out of hand. I had been telling her this for a while now, at least the past 8 months without much change in our relationship. She would say she wanted to work on things but I just couldn’t see any consistent change. I have steadily grown more distant from her to the point that I stay at work late, make plans to do things alone, and really am happiest when she is at work and I have the house to myself. I went on vacation to Mexico last month and while there I met a man that I found very attractive (I haven’t been with a man in over 18 yrs) and ended up having an affair with him while I was away. The sex was incredible and he was very attentive and loving. We have been corresponding by email daily and I can’t wait to go back to see him again He is a very solid person and is able to express his feelings and love easily, unlike my partner. I am more aware than ever of how starved for love my relationship with my lover of 13 yrs has been, and have come to believe that I am not in love with her anymore. I love her as a person but I am not in love with her anymore. I think that I am still working on the relationship because we have been together so long and I am hesitant to act rashly and just throw everything away without seriously considering taking such an action. I know that feelings can change and that long term relationships only come about by sticking in there when the going gets tough. But the going has been tough for me for a long time now and I am worn out with working on things between us. Since we have spent so many years together our lives are very entangled…she lives in my home, we had plans to go on vacation to Hawaii together (I have since cancelled the trip), etc. I think it may be very difficult for me to get her out of my home since she wants to continue our relationship and “work” on it, but as I say the effort never lasts more than a couple of days before she is moody again and we are at opposite sides of the house. I broke up with her two weeks ago after she was so incredibly rude to me again that I just felt that it was the last straw and I thought that I had gathered enough will power to stick to ending things. A day later she asked me to give us another chance but I told her that I didn’t think that I was in love with her anymore and that I just didn’t want to live with her moodiness and anger anymore. She asked me to give it two more months and to really work at the relationship with her, after she persisted I finally agreed to try to do this. I once again reiterated that I needed loving greetings when I came home, cuddling, physical and emotional affection, and that I needed for her moods and finances to be more stable in order to even begin to get the feelings back. It has been two weeks and we are once again at opposite ends of the house and I just don’t even care anymore. Meanwhile I am emailing my man in Mexico and looking forward daily to the time (2 mo. from now) when I can go back to see him again. I feel bad that I have had an affair but when I look at everything as it is I don’t regret having reached out to him since he is a wonderful and loving person, and if we had not reached out to each other when we did we might have missed each other. It is not that often that you find someone that you have that special feeling with and for, I know what we share is special and I am not willing to give him up. I am struggling to work through how I want to handle my life now and thought I would email you for any insight you might be able to give me as to where to go from here….

Dear Friend,

Now, before I get to answer the real bottom line question, I would like to remind you that you are human and totally capable of making errors when it comes to love and life. So really, don’t take this as a “you are stupid” thing because you are not. You are human. I have a few things to say that might just shock the hell out of several people, so bare with me.

First, I think you already know what you want to do, which is to have your present partner leave and to continue your life. Not even going into the rest of the details here, I am saying this to you – you owe her to be strait up on your intent. Her life, no matter how messed up it is, is still hers. And without you releasing your self from that equation she will never move on, and you are holding her back as much as she is you.

You don’t, however need to get into the thick of things with her. Now this is where the opinions get fired… but in my honest opinion, I wouldn’t tell her about Mr.Mexico. There are three really good reasons:

- depending on the state you live, she could be deemed as your common law spouse and you will lose your shirt for an affair.

- Not that is was outright said, but I gather you are of a same sex relationship. If that is what I am reading, and you have found love in an opposite sex… you are going to scar her for life. AND, once again if you are common law status you will be screwed for malice.

- No matter what the circumstance was leading to the affair, the bottom line is that you don’t want to live like this, and YOU NEED TO STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!

The point here is that there is obviously a disconnection from you and this girl, to the point that it is ruining both of your lives. That my friend is what is called an “unhealthy relationship”. And you are doing her absolutely no favors by ‘sticking it out’. In fact.. you are being an ass. Don’t take that too personally now, just think about it in the reverse for a minute and you will see that the exact feelings that you were wishing from her all these years is what you are denying her to have now with a partner that is 100% dedicated to the relationship. Because that is obviously not you anymore. You are done, and I assure you… reading what I read, you are done. You do not love her, and you need to let her find her love as much as you need to carry on with your life. So when you get into that argument of staying together or breaking up, make the same statement in your head over and over YOU ARE DONE. Period.

If she causes that much of a problem, and you fear that you may be in some sort of harm.. then I suggest you find some manor of reinforcements. I get the feeling that the girls problem is simply not having anything to go to. More specifically, a place to stay and mooch. I’m not saying that you have to do this part now… but I would maybe look around and find her a place to stay. I would get another person to go with you to your house, and tell her that this is it. You are done, and she has to leave. Tell her that you have a place in line if she wants to take it, but the choice infallibly has to result in her leaving. You cannot live like this, you will not live like this, and she desirves to live better as well. Creating a hell hole is easy to do when two people are not into each other. And being scared is no reason to justify staying (this I say to you as well).

But like I said, you don’t have to do that… but it might make things easier to (and excuse this expression) be rid of her, if her main hang up is your financial support.

Now, I am adding this part in for concern, but what do you know about Mr.Mexico?? I am telling you now, that the break up between you and your current partner should not be in whole due to this man. You should still break up, that is obvious. But this man… take your time okay? After you mother passing, the ex breakup, and then this.. well it’s going to be like an extended grieving period. You haven’t been able to fully enjoy being alive, being happy. And even though this man may extend to you the very fiber of bliss… just take it easy. I’m not saying that he isn’t “for real”… but it has been in my experience that sometimes you are in just such a low place, that you do not see the flaws when this brilliant light of happiness comes along.

Let us know how things go, and write back if you need any support. Good luck.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Words of Encouragement

Most people in the world are day people: they get their best work done in the late morning hours. But some people work best late at night, like Anton Rubinstein. Mornings were like poison to this famous Russian pianist: he found it very difficult even to get up early. But sometimes he had to get up early to meet the schedule of a concert tour, and it was Mrs. Rubinstein’s task to help him do this. In the early years of their relationship, she had tried alarm clocks of all kinds, and she had tried pushing him out of bed, but nothing worked. He would either fall back to sleep, or be so sluggish that he’d miss his appointment anyway.

Finally, though, after years of experimenting, she managed to find a way to wake him up in the morning. He had spent his life refining his sensitivity to music, to the point that he could hear the smallest flaw in a piece. Mrs. Rubinstein found that the easiest way to get her husband up was to go to the piano and begin playing scales-but only seven of the eight notes. After she had played the faulty scale a few times, Anton would be out of bed and at the piano, wide awake, and itching to finish the scale properly.

We all have problems with motivation from time to time. The trick is to find a system that will get us moving again. Your system may be tied in with your personality, hobbies, or life goals. But try to find that thing which will re-motivate you, and keep it near at hand.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Mixed Signals???

New Staff Advisor, Xmichra, answers the question…

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hi !

I play soccer, and I’m in big trouble with one of the girls. It started about 6 months ago. She helped me out during practice, told me to “go ahead and play, and not just walk”. I was walking because I was feeling really bad. I had lost a good friend of mine. I was waiting for December break to quit the team. Well, unfortunately this girl messed up my plans by telling me to “go ahead and play, and not just walk”. Then she helped me by telling me who to pass the ball to, where to run and so on…That really hit me as I had really not expected her to say that. She’s one of the most popular girl in the team and by far the best player of the premiere team. I’m not as popular, and used to be a substitute in the other team (the second one). Let alone that I was feeling desperate, and obviously not expecting anything good to happen in my life.

Then, weird stuff started happening. It seemed as if we copy each other on the field when we play against each other, like we have the same reactions at the same time. Sometimes, my leg would do something without my brain telling me to do so. On the same team, we would just understand each other. This usually doesn’t happen with people who don’t know each other. This scared me a lot as I had no clue to what is going on. I think it scared her too.

So from then on, we started looking at each other. She says I look at her. On my side, I accuse her. Stupid baby game that we are both unable to stop other than by just avoiding each other, which obviously hasn’t solved anything yet. What’s more is that I do have reasons to suspect things too because she is homosexual. And lucky me, her girlfriend is in the team. A couple times, it seems as she has been hitting on me. For instance, during a party, I had put my drink on the table. She came nearby to serve herself, and placed her body right in front of my drink. The only way I would be able to pick it up would have been by putting my hand right by her sex. Or else, she stays in front of the doorway when she knows I need to go through. Then she says, “Go ahead, you’re right, why don’t you bump into me while you’re at it?”. She also fowls me and then say she’s pleased of so doing. Lately, she’s been coming right by me to say that it doesn’t smell good, and laughs with her friends. This confuses me a lot, and hurts me because at the time she had started off by being nice to me. I had really appreciated her help. I am still very thankful.

Could you help me figure out why this girl is acting this way and what to do about it?

Thank you

Natalie 22yrs old

Dear Friend,

There are a few triggers for me here. And maybe it is from translation, but this does sound like a girl who wanted to help out a person who was feeling low. And then likely what happened was that you two were too much in sync.. and the girlfriend got jealous. And what do jealous people demand?? reasons not to be jealous.. which is why this girl likely gave the could shoulder afterward and was mean.

Basically, I would cut the friendship or what ever that was short. Obviously this girl has more drama in her life then you can contend with. BUT, if you were looking at her in that way… that loving way. Then maybe you need to do a little soul searching too. Maybe you were sending mixed signals… and maybe she got caught off guard. There really isn’t anything to her being homosexual. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they want to have sex with you. But flirting happens naturally, and if she was flirting (which I actually think that she was) and had thought originally that it was just for her and she thought that you were strait.. well if you started returning those looks, that could catch a girl off guard.

What to do now with the soccer?? Just keep playing and keep the valuable information and skill that this girl gave you. Eventually it will all wind down.. if you want it too. If you continue to try and make a relationship with this girl (either sexual or friendship) be prepared for a bumpy ride. Sounds like she has a lot of pressure having a girlfriend, being popular, and a good athlete. So you might end up totally brushed off. So just be prepared, and don’t let it break you.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Bounce That Blame

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Bounce That Blame

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

My eldest Sister, Claire, has just been told by her Husband of 11yrs that he “can’t do both” have a relationship with his grown adult children from his previous marriage & stay married to her because apparently she is to blame for him not having a relationship with his children at all ( for the past 11yrs) and that their marriage is over..

Understandably she is totally devastated and upset yet it has been a week since he Has told her all this saying he has been feeling like this for ages yet “hid” it really well…. To say she was shocked is a major understatement! And yet he is still to “finalize” what he wants to do, i.e. Move out, give it another shot or get counseling.. My question is this..

WHAT can I do to HELP HER? She LOVES him and she has been thru hell and high water these past two years…. She got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis about 18 months ago and it has been devastating for her to “deal” with that and his youngest daughter living with them as well who was in no better term purely horrible to Claire!

What advice can I give her to see the “light ” at the end of all this! His actions are screaming loud and clear……. Yet she just keeps repeating that she loves him so much how can I show her that he isn’t respecting her and that he is just using her?

Hope you can help

Eleese Wyborn

Toowoomba

Australia

Dear Eleese,

Oh my, I really feel bad for your sister.

If you’ve read anything, I’ve written, prior to this, you’ll notice, I quite often say that, “If you are looking for fault, you will most certainly, find it.” It seems to me, her husband was looking for fault. She should take the hint and try to work through it.

There are several avenues, your sister can go down. I imagine, none of these options will be pleasant but, if she is to emerge from all this, with a bit of sanity, she needs to weigh her options.

She obviously loves him but we must ask ourselves, if it is a need or desire? We must ask ourselves, does he love her, still? Was there a false sense of complacency, for all these years or did something happen, that suddenly set her husband off on a tangent? What I mean, is what he claims true or did he do, what I said and looked for fault? These are things, she must look at. Does she have any real accountability/responsibility in his feelings? Are they founded in truth?

Let me make it real clear, that I am not accusing but I do think, even on any scale, these are things she needs to ask herself and weigh out. Even if her husbands reactions or feelings are over dramatized, if they are real feelings, she must look at it and start from there. Personal accountability, in any scenario, is a must.

We can not discount his feelings and she needs to wholeheartedly, speak to him and address this situation. In the event that his emotions, are deep seated, real, factual and have just now, truly surfaced, we have to find resolve. What is that resolve?

I don’t know what the whole story is here, do I? Hubby, is resentful, for some reason. What is that reason?

It’s so simple, yet so complex. As her sister, I suggest that you walk her through this examination. As I said before, I believe she must start with taking responsibility for her part, if any, in his feelings, assuming, that this is the real issue. If for some reason, she has made it hard for him to have a relationship, with his children, whether it be through laying out guilt, if he’s mentioned them or if she has voiced her displeasure with his children or his relations with those children, she needs to look at it. She must look back in retrospect, at the possibility, that she has made him feel this way. If she’s played a part in this, what can she do, to make him feel better? What can she do, to change the situation? She must make amends, if she has behaved badly, enough that he would feel, he couldn’t have a relationship, with his children.

At the same time, I feel, quite honestly, this is all a cop out, conveniently placing blame, on your sister, for some invented bullshit. For real, what kind of father would let any woman, come between him and his children, for 11 years?

Forgive me but…

Now, here’s comes, the less than nice, Aunt Babz;

What kind of man/SOB, would imply leaving his wife, who has MS, in her time of need? I’m sorry but I don’t buy into his 11 year bullshit and it’s a lame attempt to place his delusional and sorry ass Fatherhood of the past 11 years, on someone who doesn’t deserve it? Your Sis needs to get angry about this, grow some hair and bounce that blame.

I think she’s scared, possibly because of her condition, to be alone. I believe she’s over looked the obvious, calling it love, when it’s a need, to be cared for. Yes, she very well, could believe she loves him but let me point out, the painfully obvious; any man, who’d pull out the card, he chose play, to make his case, is lower than low and she needs to see it, for just what it is…ball less.

Now that I’ve said all that and dished the dirt, let me say this, I think she needs to stop, being a victim here and call him on his shit. If she has, possibly, played any part, in his feelings, she should apologize but short of that, he needs to place the blame, squarely where it belongs; on himself. He then, needs to put a plan in place, to either face the music, look in the mirror and be honest or move on. It was a nasty attempt to defer responsibility for his own actions, supposedly, “Hid,” all these years.

The best thing, you could do for your sister, is to make her see that behaving as a victim will keep her a victim. I think that once she sees things, for what they really are, resolve will come about. I don’t know what that resolve will be but it will, all fall into place, she will benefit, one way or the other.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 12:35 PM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: Bouncing Blame Personal Accountability, Children in Relationships, Empowerment, Multiple Sclerosis, Personal Responsibility

Words To Live By

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Words to Live By

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

So I met this boy on my birthday a couple of weekends ago on my birthday. We totally hit it off and had a great evening. We flirted a bit at the end of the evening he asked for my phone number. I finally heard from him a week later and we have been talking everyday since. A few days after he started talking to me he told me that he needed to talk to me about something that he should have told me in the beginning. At this point he told me that he was so incredibly sorry that he had not been honest with me in the beginning but he does have a girlfriend. But things with his girlfriend have been really rough for a while. He said that the moment he met me reminded him on what it’s like to have feelings for someone again. He kept apologizing to me and said that the last thing he ever wanted to do was mess with my head or hurt me. It was truly the best apology that I’ve ever gotten in my life. He said he really has feelings for me but just doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want me to stop talking to him and says that I’m not getting in the way. But sometimes I feel like he’s really into talking to me and sometimes I feel the opposite.. I’m really confused on what to do because I do have feelings for this guy and really enjoy talking to him but I don’t know whether I’m bothering him by talking to him or how I would and what should I do about the situation he’s in? Should I continue to talk to him and see where it takes us so should I really just leave him alone and let him come to me? And if I should continue to talk to him, should I really try to get his attention or should I just play it cool?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

You really like this guy and it may have blinded you. Otherwise, you’d have seen the Yield Signs. Then again, if you didn’t have some indicators of caution, you’d not have written, right?

I like this guy but I want you to go into to this with your eyes, wide open. First, you must look at the fact, that he was and is, in another relationship, when he asked for your phone number. Could he or would he do this to you, if you were to get into a relationship?

My point is this; no matter how painful things may get or be, we must embrace complete honesty, in our relationships. What am I talking about?

Ask yourself, if he’s that unhappy, with his current girlfriend and it’s that rocky, that he would have the audacity, to ask you for your phone number, why is he still with her?

I am glad he was honest enough to inform you about this other girl but he’s getting no medal from me. What is his motive for telling you? Is it because you may find out, about her? I don’t know?

He needs to break up with her, if he’s going to talk to you. Now, I can tell you’ve over looked all this because you do like him, a lot, right? I am not going to tell you that this can never work but you must make a stand.

I think you should tell him that you really enjoy his company, talking to him and you would love to further get to know him. But he needs to call you when he’s single and not until.

Open your eyes, wide enough to realize that, he’s not being honest with her, either. I don’t believe you’d viewed this from her standpoint, have you? How will you feel, if and when he does the same thing to you? If you were to become a couple and things just aren’t working out, unbeknownst to you, would it hurt you, if you found he was talking shit to another girl, in the name of a rocky relationship, between you two? I’m not saying he would do it but a man is only as good as his words and actions.

My advice; Girlfriend, you must respect yourself first and never play second fiddle. Did you realize that you were? I am not telling you that your feelings, as well as his are bad. I am not saying he is a bad guy but he may not realize how deceitful, he is being. Tell him to clean up his act and then call you. You owe it to yourself, to demand this. You must always live under the premise, to do unto others, as you want them to do, unto you.

My friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ , someone I met, up close and personal, is not real fond of dishonesty, deceitful, down-n-dirty behavior. I know, I was living my life with complete disregard for others. I was a nasty, vengeful, liar, thief and down right dirty bitch. I did whatever I wanted and didn’t care who I hurt, self-will run riot. Quite often, I did things, regardless but I didn’t think before I did my crimes. I explained things away, that I had to do whatever it was, I felt needed to be done. Many people were hurt, in the wake of my wrath, my behavior. Eventually, it caught up with me and I met Mz. Karma. She put me in Prison and gave me perspective. Now, we’re good friends but she taught me, a few things;

1. Do not judge until I’ve walked a Millennium in their Moccasin.
   
2. If I don’t want it done to me, I’d better not do it to them.
   
3. Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit.
4. I have choices, in everything I do, everything.
5. Try to live without Regret.
6. Be Assertive, not Passive-Aggressive.
7. The Name of the Game is Tame the Shame.
8. Stop saying, “Why me?”
9. Start saying, “Yes, Me!”
10. Realize the Key to Life is Love, Laughter, Family.
11. Life is a series of Tests, learn from them.
12. When I pass a test, I’m given another piece to The Puzzle.
13. The Puzzle pieces are to The Big Picture; Your Life.
14. Live, Learn, Love, Laugh.
15. Let Go & Let God.
    

Words to live by, eh?

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 10:12 AM    

Labels: Honesty, Honesty to self, Mz. Karma Bitchslap, The Big Picture, What I Learned, Words to Live By

That Gleam

Sunday, August 5, 2007

That Gleam

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi i need help with relationship. i met this guy who will be in my college class all my friends know him. i have never met him but i like him by the way he talks and everything. how do i get him to like me back. or understand

Dear Friend,

Well, you’ve not given me much to go on here, huh? But I think I can give you a few pointers.

Remember this; Everything in life, is perception.

In my youth, I loathed cliches and adages but I can see that a good portion of them come directly from wisdom. One of those adages is,

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

Never truer words, have been spoken. All of life, comes down to our perception of each other. I can look back, through all these years and see that I dated some rather good looking guys and I often wondered, just how did I get them? I mean, I didn’t think I was all that and if the truth were known, I never thought I was very pretty. I was told that I was but I often thought they were just being kind. That makes me laugh but I’ve just always tried to be realistic with myself and I have never been egotistical…that I know of. But I am real, as real ,as real can get.

I don’t pretend to be what I am not, I look in the mirror and see exactly who I am. I’ve tried to improve where I could and accepted what I could not change. I suggest, you do the same thing. Once you are acceptant of yourself, comfortable in your own skin, your persona will change. How do you get to that point?

You must be honest and realistic with yourself, first and foremost. We all have good and bad points to consider. I don’t care who you are, this is true. You can be the most famous actor, actress, model, CEO, most popular guy in school, the Homecoming Queen, it doesn’t matter, they all have flaws.

I must be careful, how I proceed here, so you do not perceive, what I say as shallow or, thinking on the surface. One of the greatest tools at your disposal is your own perspective and if you can look at things, in a realistic manner, you may always use this to put things into perspective;

Find the most gorgeous woman, a picture, movie, whatever and study it. Now, look for the flaws. Let me point out, in any given situation, if you look for flaws, in a person or situation, you will find it. Maybe this actress has weird feet or a strange nose? Her body is really long and one of the most common things, for most of us women, with the real McCoy; one breast is bigger than the other. I could go on and on, couldn’t I? Even the appearance of perfection, whether it’s a man or woman, is not real.

Even the most well rounded person, perfect appearance and so on, has imperfections, flaws and fears. Quite often, these over achievers, have emotional baggage that would cause any baggage handler to run. We all have fears, quirks, idiosyncrasies and plain old weird habits. Not one person, on the face of this earth, has their shit together, completely. No One!!!

Having said all this, I want to make it clear to you, that I am not telling you to go around finding flaws, except to find perspective.

If you feel good about yourself, people will know it and you will shine. You own the secret. Now, look in the mirror and realize that you are noteworthy. You have a lot to offer. You have beautiful eyes, a wonderful sense of humor, a curiosity for life and you are a genuine person. No, you are not a fake or a golddigger, you are a stand-up woman, who cares for others and your loyalty, once you have given it, is unsurpassed. I see that you are not beautiful and this bothers you. Let it go because you are pretty inside and out. You are actually, quite the catch.

Your only real down fall, has been to emulate the wrong kind of people and you are a worrier. You’ve been envious of the wrong things. You cringe, every time, you think about that guy. Let it and him go, you didn’t fail, he did because he didn’t see you, as you really are. He seemed like he was all that but he isn’t and never will be. He did you a favor, breaking up with you. He is a bottom feeder and not worthy of a good woman. Yes, you are a good woman.

Put on your Bitch Belt, tomorrow morning. The transformation will begin, when you begin to be kind to yourself and stop worrying about what people think of you. Be kind, think before you speak, appreciate what you have, as you’ve not always been grateful, have you?

I’m not sure, he’s the one. If you begin to put yourself into perspective, begin to be comfortable in your own skin, become a little more assertive, less chatty, things will fall into place for you. The gleam in your eye will speak for you.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:05 AM    

Labels: Assertive, Bitch Belt, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices, Getting that Guy, Life is Perspective

Bounce That Blame

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

My eldest Sister, Claire, has just been told by her Husband of 11yrs that he “can’t do both” have a relationship with his grown adult children from his previous marriage & stay married to her because apparently she is to blame for him not having a relationship with his children at all ( for the past 11yrs) and that their marriage is over..

Understandably she is totally devastated and upset yet it has been a week since he Has told her all this saying he has been feeling like this for ages yet “hid” it really well…. To say she was shocked is a major understatement! And yet he is still to “finalize” what he wants to do, i.e. Move out, give it another shot or get counseling.. My question is this..

WHAT can I do to HELP HER? She LOVES him and she has been thru hell and high water these past two years…. She got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis about 18 months ago and it has been devastating for her to “deal” with that and his youngest daughter living with them as well who was in no better term purely horrible to Claire!

What advice can I give her to see the “light ” at the end of all this! His actions are screaming loud and clear……. Yet she just keeps repeating that she loves him so much how can I show her that he isn’t respecting her and that he is just using her?

Hope you can help

Eleese Wyborn

Toowoomba

Australia

Dear Eleese,

Oh my, I really feel bad for your sister.

If you’ve read anything, I’ve written, prior to this, you’ll notice, I quite often say that, “If you are looking for fault, you will most certainly, find it.” It seems to me, her husband was looking for fault. She should take the hint and try to work through it.

There are several avenues, your sister can go down. I imagine, none of these options will be pleasant but, if she is to emerge from all this, with a bit of sanity, she needs to weigh her options.

She obviously loves him but we must ask ourselves, if it is a need or desire? We must ask ourselves, does he love her, still? Was there a false sense of complacency, for all these years or did something happen, that suddenly set her husband off on a tangent? What I mean, is what he claims true or did he do, what I said and looked for fault? These are things, she must look at. Does she have any real accountability/responsibility in his feelings? Are they founded in truth?

Let me make it real clear, that I am not accusing but I do think, even on any scale, these are things she needs to ask herself and weigh out. Even if her husbands reactions or feelings are over dramatized, if they are real feelings, she must look at it and start from there. Personal accountability, in any scenario, is a must.

We can not discount his feelings and she needs to wholeheartedly, speak to him and address this situation. In the event that his emotions, are deep seated, real, factual and have just now, truly surfaced, we have to find resolve. What is that resolve?

I don’t know what the whole story is here, do I? Hubby, is resentful, for some reason. What is that reason?

It’s so simple, yet so complex. As her sister, I suggest that you walk her through this examination. As I said before, I believe she must start with taking responsibility for her part, if any, in his feelings, assuming, that this is the real issue. If for some reason, she has made it hard for him to have a relationship, with his children, whether it be through laying out guilt, if he’s mentioned them or if she has voiced her displeasure with his children or his relations with those children, she needs to look at it. She must look back in retrospect, at the possibility, that she has made him feel this way. If she’s played a part in this, what can she do, to make him feel better? What can she do, to change the situation? She must make amends, if she has behaved badly, enough that he would feel, he couldn’t have a relationship, with his children.

At the same time, I feel, quite honestly, this is all a cop out, conveniently placing blame, on your sister, for some invented bullshit. For real, what kind of father would let any woman, come between him and his children, for 11 years?

Forgive me but…

Now, here’s comes, the less than nice, Aunt Babz;

What kind of man/SOB, would imply leaving his wife, who has MS, in her time of need? I’m sorry but I don’t buy into his 11 year bullshit and it’s a lame attempt to place his delusional and sorry ass Fatherhood of the past 11 years, on someone who doesn’t deserve it? Your Sis needs to get angry about this, grow some hair and bounce that blame.

I think she’s scared, possibly because of her condition, to be alone. I believe she’s over looked the obvious, calling it love, when it’s a need, to be cared for. Yes, she very well, could believe she loves him but let me point out, the painfully obvious; any man, who’d pull out the card, he chose play, to make his case, is lower than low and she needs to see it, for just what it is…ball less.

Now that I’ve said all that and dished the dirt, let me say this, I think she needs to stop, being a victim here and call him on his shit. If she has, possibly, played any part, in his feelings, she should apologize but short of that, he needs to place the blame, squarely where it belongs; on himself. He then, needs to put a plan in place, to either face the music, look in the mirror and be honest or move on. It was a nasty attempt to defer responsibility for his own actions, supposedly, “Hid,” all these years.

The best thing, you could do for your sister, is to make her see that behaving as a victim will keep her a victim. I think that once she sees things, for what they really are, resolve will come about. I don’t know what that resolve will be but it will, all fall into place, she will benefit, one way or the other.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Words to Live By

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt B,

So I met this boy on my birthday a couple of weekends ago on my birthday. We totally hit it off and had a great evening. We flirted a bit at the end of the evening he asked for my phone number. I finally heard from him a week later and we have been talking everyday since. A few days after he started talking to me he told me that he needed to talk to me about something that he should have told me in the beginning. At this point he told me that he was so incredibly sorry that he had not been honest with me in the beginning but he does have a girlfriend. But things with his girlfriend have been really rough for a while. He said that the moment he met me reminded him on what it’s like to have feelings for someone again. He kept apologizing to me and said that the last thing he ever wanted to do was mess with my head or hurt me. It was truly the best apology that I’ve ever gotten in my life. He said he really has feelings for me but just doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want me to stop talking to him and says that I’m not getting in the way. But sometimes I feel like he’s really into talking to me and sometimes I feel the opposite.. I’m really confused on what to do because I do have feelings for this guy and really enjoy talking to him but I don’t know whether I’m bothering him by talking to him or how I would and what should I do about the situation he’s in? Should I continue to talk to him and see where it takes us so should I really just leave him alone and let him come to me? And if I should continue to talk to him, should I really try to get his attention or should I just play it cool?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

You really like this guy and it may have blinded you. Otherwise, you’d have seen the Yield Signs. Then again, if you didn’t have some indicators of caution, you’d not have written, right?

I like this guy but I want you to go into to this with your eyes, wide open. First, you must look at the fact, that he was and is, in another relationship, when he asked for your phone number. Could he or would he do this to you, if you were to get into a relationship?

My point is this; no matter how painful things may get or be, we must embrace complete honesty, in our relationships. What am I talking about?

Ask yourself, if he’s that unhappy, with his current girlfriend and it’s that rocky, that he would have the audacity, to ask you for your phone number, why is he still with her?

I am glad he was honest enough to inform you about this other girl but he’s getting no medal from me. What is his motive for telling you? Is it because you may find out, about her? I don’t know?

He needs to break up with her, if he’s going to talk to you. Now, I can tell you’ve over looked all this because you do like him, a lot, right? I am not going to tell you that this can never work but you must make a stand.

I think you should tell him that you really enjoy his company, talking to him and you would love to further get to know him. But he needs to call you when he’s single and not until.

Open your eyes, wide enough to realize that, he’s not being honest with her, either. I don’t believe you’d viewed this from her standpoint, have you? How will you feel, if and when he does the same thing to you? If you were to become a couple and things just aren’t working out, unbeknownst to you, would it hurt you, if you found he was talking shit to another girl, in the name of a rocky relationship, between you two? I’m not saying he would do it but a man is only as good as his words and actions.

My advice; Girlfriend, you must respect yourself first and never play second fiddle. Did you realize that you were? I am not telling you that your feelings, as well as his are bad. I am not saying he is a bad guy but he may not realize how deceitful, he is being. Tell him to clean up his act and then call you. You owe it to yourself, to demand this. You must always live under the premise, to do unto others, as you want them to do, unto you.

My friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ , someone I met, up close and personal, is not real fond of dishonesty, deceitful, down-n-dirty behavior. I know, I was living my life with complete disregard for others. I was a nasty, vengeful, liar, thief and down right dirty bitch. I did whatever I wanted and didn’t care who I hurt, self-will run riot. Quite often, I did things, regardless but I didn’t think before I did my crimes. I explained things away, that I had to do whatever it was, I felt needed to be done. Many people were hurt, in the wake of my wrath, my behavior. Eventually, it caught up with me and I met Mz. Karma. She put me in Prison and gave me perspective. Now, we’re good friends but she taught me, a few things;

1. Do not judge until I’ve walked a Millennium in their Moccasin.
   
2. If I don’t want it done to me, I’d better not do it to them.
   
3. Don’t sweat the small shit and it’s all small shit.
4. I have choices, in everything I do, everything.
5. Try to live without Regret.
6. Be Assertive, not Passive-Aggressive.
7. The Name of the Game is Tame the Shame.
8. Stop saying, “Why me?”
9. Start saying, “Yes, Me!”
10. Realize the Key to Life is Love, Laughter, Family.
11. Life is a series of Tests, learn from them.
12. When I pass a test, I’m given another piece to The Puzzle.
13. The Puzzle pieces are to The Big Picture; Your Life.
14. Live, Learn, Love, Laugh.
15. Let Go & Let God.
    

Words to live by, eh?

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

That Gleam

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi i need help with relationship. i met this guy who will be in my college class all my friends know him. i have never met him but i like him by the way he talks and everything. how do i get him to like me back. or understand

Dear Friend,

Well, you’ve not given me much to go on here, huh? But I think I can give you a few pointers.

Remember this; Everything in life, is perception.

In my youth, I loathed cliches and adages but I can see that a good portion of them come directly from wisdom. One of those adages is,

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

Never truer words, have been spoken. All of life, comes down to our perception of each other. I can look back, through all these years and see that I dated some rather good looking guys and I often wondered, just how did I get them? I mean, I didn’t think I was all that and if the truth were known, I never thought I was very pretty. I was told that I was but I often thought they were just being kind. That makes me laugh but I’ve just always tried to be realistic with myself and I have never been egotistical…that I know of. But I am real, as real ,as real can get.

I don’t pretend to be what I am not, I look in the mirror and see exactly who I am. I’ve tried to improve where I could and accepted what I could not change. I suggest, you do the same thing. Once you are acceptant of yourself, comfortable in your own skin, your persona will change. How do you get to that point?

You must be honest and realistic with yourself, first and foremost. We all have good and bad points to consider. I don’t care who you are, this is true. You can be the most famous actor, actress, model, CEO, most popular guy in school, the Homecoming Queen, it doesn’t matter, they all have flaws.

I must be careful, how I proceed here, so you do not perceive, what I say as shallow or, thinking on the surface. One of the greatest tools at your disposal is your own perspective and if you can look at things, in a realistic manner, you may always use this to put things into perspective;

Find the most gorgeous woman, a picture, movie, whatever and study it. Now, look for the flaws. Let me point out, in any given situation, if you look for flaws, in a person or situation, you will find it. Maybe this actress has weird feet or a strange nose? Her body is really long and one of the most common things, for most of us women, with the real McCoy; one breast is bigger than the other. I could go on and on, couldn’t I? Even the appearance of perfection, whether it’s a man or woman, is not real.

Even the most well rounded person, perfect appearance and so on, has imperfections, flaws and fears. Quite often, these over achievers, have emotional baggage that would cause any baggage handler to run. We all have fears, quirks, idiosyncrasies and plain old weird habits. Not one person, on the face of this earth, has their shit together, completely. No One!!!

Having said all this, I want to make it clear to you, that I am not telling you to go around finding flaws, except to find perspective.

If you feel good about yourself, people will know it and you will shine. You own the secret. Now, look in the mirror and realize that you are noteworthy. You have a lot to offer. You have beautiful eyes, a wonderful sense of humor, a curiosity for life and you are a genuine person. No, you are not a fake or a golddigger, you are a stand-up woman, who cares for others and your loyalty, once you have given it, is unsurpassed. I see that you are not beautiful and this bothers you. Let it go because you are pretty inside and out. You are actually, quite the catch.

Your only real down fall, has been to emulate the wrong kind of people and you are a worrier. You’ve been envious of the wrong things. You cringe, every time, you think about that guy. Let it and him go, you didn’t fail, he did because he didn’t see you, as you really are. He seemed like he was all that but he isn’t and never will be. He did you a favor, breaking up with you. He is a bottom feeder and not worthy of a good woman. Yes, you are a good woman.

Put on your Bitch Belt, tomorrow morning. The transformation will begin, when you begin to be kind to yourself and stop worrying about what people think of you. Be kind, think before you speak, appreciate what you have, as you’ve not always been grateful, have you?

I’m not sure, he’s the one. If you begin to put yourself into perspective, begin to be comfortable in your own skin, become a little more assertive, less chatty, things will fall into place for you. The gleam in your eye will speak for you.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Real Men Don’t Fool Around

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Real Men Don’t Fool Around

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl he knows I really hate. And then I found out from her that she was dating my boyfriend…. So I asked him about it, and he said that she just THOUGHT they were going out. But, duh, thats lame right? And so, I dumped him…. But my thing with this is he went into it KNOWING that if i found out, i would be really really hurt, and he did it anyway. So I kind of think he really doesn’t care about me at all, which also makes me loose all belief in everything he’s ever said. But now, I don’t know whether or not I want to be with him again… Cause I really am so in love with him, and I can’t imagine not being with him, and I don’t know what I would do without him in my life, ya know? But on the other hand, there’s somewhat high drama, and I just get hurt so bad, and why should I even be with a guy that doesn’t care and that I have been shown many times that I cant trust? So, I’m thinking my choices are: a. tell him he needs to change, see if he will, then get back with him b. date some other people, wait it out, then see if I still think I want to get back with him c. completely forget about him. What do you think? Or what other option is a good one? Help?How did you find our website?: I just searched for “free advice” and I thought I’d give this a try. Haha.

Dear Friend,

It sounds to me, as if you’ve thought things out, in a mature fashion. I also think you’ve been realistic with yourself and you’ve managed to look at things from all directions.

If it wasn’t for the fact, that you really loved this guy, I’m sure you’d have kicked him to the curb. But only you can weigh how much, you really love him. Thus, only you can weigh, just how far, you’re willing to go, to forgive, forget and possibly make this a livable or viable situation.

When we are in love, it’s a wonderful thing. At that moment in time, we could never envision ourselves with anyone else. But there was a time before him and if you choose to, there’d be a time, after him, that you could love another. You can’t see it right now, of course but it will happen, if that’s what you choose.

Yes, I think his explanation of, “She thought,” we were going out is as lame as it gets. If it were me, I’d be or feel betrayed twice; First, because he’d do that and I had to find out from a girl I really hate/dislike, that my boyfriend is seeing her and secondly because he thinks I must be real stupid, to think he’s not capable of lying about the whole affair and I’d swallow his lame ass story. But I think you’re more than aware of all this, so what can you do?

As I said before, I don’t know how strongly, you feel about this guy or if you are willing to go the distance? If you are, you need to lay it on the line and tell him, you will never, ever tolerate that kind of thing again. He may be young enough, he just didn’t know how the game is played. What game, you ask?

Real love, between a man and woman is honest. When it is honest, good or bad, it can be trusted. Good love, the kind that lasts and stands the test of time, is honest and patient. It is all about communication. Your fella, didn’t know the rules of the game and you need to make him aware of them.

If he is not happy in the relationship, enough to possibly desire, entertain or think about fooling around, he needs to be man enough, to say so. Two things can and will happen from that; either you will take a long hard look at what you can do to improve the relationship or you will have the choice to walk away, before you get hurt. This is not easy and quite often, men do not communicate how they feel, until it is too late. More often than not, guys will entertain the notion, of fooling around, long before it ever happens. Then, they make it their dirty little secret. But you must tell him, that he has to let you know, if he’s not happy. Let him know that you can not improve, make things right or deal with his feelings, if you don’t know they exist.

All of this applies to both of you. Honesty is a two-way street and communication is paramount. But more importantly, he must understand that or rather how it would feel if you did all this to him. If he could live his life, realizing that, what’s good for the goose, is always good for the gander and to do to you, only what he’d want done to him, he might change his outlook. If it is to work, he must understand that you will never allow this to happen again and if it were…you will pray diligently, that he will feel and know the heartache, for himself.

Real men, don’t fool around. No, it’s the little boys, who need their ego’s fluffed, that are the one’s who sneak around. Tell him this.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:27 AM    

Labels: Infidelity, Love Relationships, Real Men

Real Men Don’t Fool Around

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl he knows I really hate. And then I found out from her that she was dating my boyfriend…. So I asked him about it, and he said that she just THOUGHT they were going out. But, duh, thats lame right? And so, I dumped him…. But my thing with this is he went into it KNOWING that if i found out, i would be really really hurt, and he did it anyway. So I kind of think he really doesn’t care about me at all, which also makes me loose all belief in everything he’s ever said. But now, I don’t know whether or not I want to be with him again… Cause I really am so in love with him, and I can’t imagine not being with him, and I don’t know what I would do without him in my life, ya know? But on the other hand, there’s somewhat high drama, and I just get hurt so bad, and why should I even be with a guy that doesn’t care and that I have been shown many times that I cant trust? So, I’m thinking my choices are: a. tell him he needs to change, see if he will, then get back with him b. date some other people, wait it out, then see if I still think I want to get back with him c. completely forget about him. What do you think? Or what other option is a good one? Help?How did you find our website?: I just searched for “free advice” and I thought I’d give this a try. Haha.

Dear Friend,

It sounds to me, as if you’ve thought things out, in a mature fashion. I also think you’ve been realistic with yourself and you’ve managed to look at things from all directions.

If it wasn’t for the fact, that you really loved this guy, I’m sure you’d have kicked him to the curb. But only you can weigh how much, you really love him. Thus, only you can weigh, just how far, you’re willing to go, to forgive, forget and possibly make this a livable or viable situation.

When we are in love, it’s a wonderful thing. At that moment in time, we could never envision ourselves with anyone else. But there was a time before him and if you choose to, there’d be a time, after him, that you could love another. You can’t see it right now, of course but it will happen, if that’s what you choose.

Yes, I think his explanation of, “She thought,” we were going out is as lame as it gets. If it were me, I’d be or feel betrayed twice; First, because he’d do that and I had to find out from a girl I really hate/dislike, that my boyfriend is seeing her and secondly because he thinks I must be real stupid, to think he’s not capable of lying about the whole affair and I’d swallow his lame ass story. But I think you’re more than aware of all this, so what can you do?

As I said before, I don’t know how strongly, you feel about this guy or if you are willing to go the distance? If you are, you need to lay it on the line and tell him, you will never, ever tolerate that kind of thing again. He may be young enough, he just didn’t know how the game is played. What game, you ask?

Real love, between a man and woman is honest. When it is honest, good or bad, it can be trusted. Good love, the kind that lasts and stands the test of time, is honest and patient. It is all about communication. Your fella, didn’t know the rules of the game and you need to make him aware of them.

If he is not happy in the relationship, enough to possibly desire, entertain or think about fooling around, he needs to be man enough, to say so. Two things can and will happen from that; either you will take a long hard look at what you can do to improve the relationship or you will have the choice to walk away, before you get hurt. This is not easy and quite often, men do not communicate how they feel, until it is too late. More often than not, guys will entertain the notion, of fooling around, long before it ever happens. Then, they make it their dirty little secret. But you must tell him, that he has to let you know, if he’s not happy. Let him know that you can not improve, make things right or deal with his feelings, if you don’t know they exist.

All of this applies to both of you. Honesty is a two-way street and communication is paramount. But more importantly, he must understand that or rather how it would feel if you did all this to him. If he could live his life, realizing that, what’s good for the goose, is always good for the gander and to do to you, only what he’d want done to him, he might change his outlook. If it is to work, he must understand that you will never allow this to happen again and if it were…you will pray diligently, that he will feel and know the heartache, for himself.

Real men, don’t fool around. No, it’s the little boys, who need their ego’s fluffed, that are the one’s who sneak around. Tell him this.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Enabling???

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Enabling?

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…
Hi Aunt B,

My name is Robert. My wife and I just moved back to Wichita, KS about 2 weeks ago. I am totally disabled from 3 failed back surgery’s and have been on large doses of oxycontin and and actiq (fentanyl lozenges). We have had a problem with money disappearing for 6 years. I know it was my step-daughter but my wife would not admit to it and we did not have any actual proof that it was her, and she does not live with us. My step-daughter had come over yesterday to visit. My wife, step-daughter and I were heading out the back door to go swimming in our pool. My step-daughter was right behind us and went back in the house for about 5-10 minutes before coming out. She said that she had to go to the bathroom. Later that evening my wife was looking for a $10.00 bill that she had in her purse. Well it was not there and she got upset and suspected her daughter. When her daughter went to take a shower my wife got her daughters purse to see if she had taken it. But instead of finding her money she found a full day supply of my medication in her daughters purse. You would not believe how mad and upset I was. We always keep my meds locked up in a lock-box. My wife told my step-daughter the code to the lock-box a month ago, when she was visiting for the weekend, because she had forgotten to leave my meds out for me before she went to work. We would never had thought that she would ever take any since she has seen me without my medications, when an ambulance had to come take me to the hospital after being bed ridden for 4 days in very sever pain. One day supply without my medication will put me in the hospital. We counted the rest of my pain meds and discovered that I am short 3 full days of medication. My wife was so upset and could not believe her daughter did that. We need some advice of what we should do!! She says she does not have a drug problem. We cannot put her in rehab because she is 24 years old, I have already checked on that.

I know what I want to do to her but that would put me in jail. I am worried that this situation will end up causing a divorce and I do not want to lose my wife. My wife has always been too nice to her because her father was strict with her when they were still married. My step-daughter is very rude to everyone especially her mother. You would not believe how she talks to her mom and how she treats her. Every time she would leave our house and go back to Kansas, to her own house, my wife would cry and wish her daughter would never come back to visit. But after a week or two she would forget how bad her daughter treats her, and she would act like everything was ok. My step-daughter thinks only of herself and does not care if she hurts anyone by what she says or does to anyone, Do you have any advice on how we should deal with this situation??? We really need help on this, without leading to a divorce!!!!

PLEASE HELP US!!!!!!!!
Dear Robert, I must admit, this situation has to be upsetting. I am one who deals in pain and although I’m not on strong pain killers, if someone did take mine, I’d be fit to be tied. You have every right in the world to be upset, after all the trangression, was against you and ultimately, you will suffer for it.

The other side of the coin is that it’s often hard for a Mom to face their child’s dirt. It is often painful and we’d rather forgive and forget, maybe even look the other way. Then, in your anger at the situation, your wife would become a bit protective. It’s natural and you must forgive her for it.

What’s done is done but you must make some precautions, so it never happens again. Also, you know her capability, so you must be one step ahead. Put your money up, if she visits, lock up your meds with a different lock and you now know, she can’t be trusted.

The biggest problem here, that I see, is if your wife, her Mother, does over look this and just let it go. If she does, she is doing a great disservice upon her daughter and may not even realize it.

It’s called **”Enabling.” When it comes to the destructive behavior of addiction, the people who care most for the addict/alcoholic, often, are the people who are most hurt by the addict. Unfortunately, the family member tries desperately to help the addict/alcoholic but end up making it easier for the addict/alcoholic to progress to the advanced stages of the addiction or alcoholism.

By sweeping it under the carpet, she is actually allowing the behavior or enabling. I realize you seek advice, to help understand this situation. An addict does things, they are not proud of, to get their way and in their minds, they will justify it. We, and I say we, because I am an addict with a devious track record but we tend to make excuses for our behavior and try to turn off our conscience.

Your step-daughter, I don’t believe, did this out of malicious intent, she most likely did it figuring, well, you’ve got a boat load and won’t miss it. But the fact remains, that just about everything we do, including what she did to you, has cause and effect, action and reaction. Now, you will either do without or have to go to the hospital because of intense pain. The other side of the matter is that if you are on such strong pain killers and you are used to taking them, your body will go into withdrawal with out them. Runny nose, coughing, diarrhea, stomach cramps from hell, shaking, anxiety, not to mention the heightened pain.

I do not think they, meaning your wife and step-daughter understand the importance of this to you. But in the event that they do, it is a necessary situation that needs to be addressed.

Tough Love

I think Mom needs to realize that she’s got a problem on her hands, if she does not address this. People have been known to OD on someone else’s drugs, especially if they do not take them as they were designed. She needs to be aware that, she must play hardball with her daughter and begin to plant seeds towards getting help.

All the want, on your part, in the world, can not get your step-daughter to see her way to help, until it suggested and she begins to see things as they really are. I suggest that you have your wife read this and the two of you, try to study up on addiction. It never gets better until we admit we have a problem. By telling her that what she did was wrong and standing up to it, planting that seed of, “Hey, you need to get help,” is probably your only answer. It was illegal, for her to steal your meds. Make sure she knows that you could charge her for it. It may be your leverage for her to listen, to you.

**In literature, you may read, a reference to the alcoholic. Chemical Dependency is all the same and you may want to substitute, as you read, the word, “Alcoholic,” to read, “Addict.”

Guest Advisor, “Soulseer” said;

Here are some links that you can offer ,one is for the A&E show intervention.The other is a national database on how to go about an intervention.Obviously the girl has issues! I think you need to think like the girl,get into her head,so to speak ,use your empathy.Then think if you were her , what help would you maybe except. An intervention is probably the way to go ,although she would have to agree to going to rehab.I think she’ll fight , but may realize how much her family TRULY cares.It’s a touchy subject! They have to quit being victims , & find some way to resolve this. Starting with getting a new lock box for the meds,ya know.

The Mom needs to wake up , quit coddling her daughter.The fact that she’s hurting the man who tries to be a father figure ,& suffers from debilitating pain , should show the mother ,the daughter is in need of some FORCED HelpBEFORE she has to hit”rock bottom”.They truly need to quit being victims , they owe it to their spiritual ,& emotional well being.HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats just my opinion ,& take on it.:)

http://www.aetv.com/intervention/index.jsp

http://nationalinterventionreferral.org/

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:54 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: Addiction, Chemical Dependency, Enabling, Intervention

Don’t Be Bullied

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Don’t Be Bullied

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Hello Aunt B,

I am a 43 year old divorced dad with 2 children who I love dearly. Here is my problem. 3 years ago after finding out about an affair my wife was having, her and I split up and she moved in with her parents and she has lived there ever since. She has a large extended family, sisters, cousins and the house is always full with people. During our divorce we settled on shared physical custody. Unfortunately I do not see my children as much as I would like. Without sounding bitter, my children who are 9 and 5 have chosen to stay over at my ex’s parents home quite a bit more often than what we drew up on paper. Basically they have more people to love and spoil them there than I have here. I know they love me but, I guess if I was a child I would stay where the grass seemed greener, but it hurts just the same. My ex receives a good chunk from me plus her own salary, but has yet to move out on her own. Tonight, just as many nights, I went to pick my children up only to learn that their mother was not there and the grandmother was watching them and the kids wanted to stay there. The bitterness over the affair has subsided, but not seeing my children is really getting to me. I don’t really know if I am looking for advice or just someone to tell. If you have any wise words for me I would be glad to hear them…thank you…John

Dear Friend,

I would imagine, you have many, many emotions right now. You may feel dejected, ejected and rejected. I wouldn’t blame you. Time does heal all wounds. Try not to blame or have resentment for the children. I believe you are trying to work through all this, logically but it still burns.

Your children are behaving quite typically, so do not be alarmed. Try not to take it personally, kids are like this and believe it or not can surely tend to be selfish. But they don’t realize the ramifications, of their tendency to push you out.

I do encourage you to exercise your rights. If you were awarded visitation, you can be held in contempt, in many states for not exercising or adhering to the court order. That goes along with the fact that it may not be reinforced on their end, either. I guess the problem comes down to feeling like the bad guy, if you feel the need to force them?

This is a disparaging situation and if I were you, I would speak to your ex and inform her that she needs to make them aware, that you will become diligent when it comes to visitation. You let her know, that you want visitation and to have them ready. It is almost a self-esteem issue, for you to walk away and not refute the kids want to stay where they are. The court says that you Must exercise your right, not when Mom or the kids feel like visitation. The law is in place to protect you as well as your ex spouse and children. It is not a one-way law to be taken lightly or interpreted as the Mother or children deem suitable. So do it and state this is your intention. Once you get the kids out and away from their surroundings, they just might have a good time. Do not deny yourself, they are your children too. I am going to say this;

Quite often, the Father wants nothing to do with the kids. Statistics show, that they move on, more so than women, of course. Don’t allow them to run over you. Stand by your rights and make them aware, even if you have to use the law on your side, that by not adhering to the court order, everyone who does not abide, can be held in contempt. Make them think, it’s not gonna be you. In turn, you just might have a wonderful and fulfilling time and build upon the relationships with your children.

No matter what happened, with you and your ex, those children are still yours. Don’t be bullied and stand your ground. You have the law on your side.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:52 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: Children and Ex’s, Ex Issues, Parenting, Your Rights as Dad

Remember, If the Path is Too Rocky…

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Remember…If the Path is Too Rocky…

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,
hi, my name is melody

I don’t know, if you can solve my problem, but i really need your help.

I met a guy on the internet 4 years ago, we didn’t talk to each other till 2 years ago. we started talking to each other 2 years ago, he lives in another country and we are too far from each other. after that, we got closer and we talk each other on the phone twice a week. we have same culture but the problem is we have different religion. i really liked this guy and after that he asked me to be his girl friend, i don’t know why i told him yes, but i know this that i love him very much. He really loves me and we planed to see each other. I’m still talking to this guy but my family don’t know about my realationship with him and i know if they find out they won’t let me to talk to him anymore because of his religion. I’m christian and i respect my religion alot and he is muslim. right now he got 3rd job and he is busy and we talk to each other twice a month and i really don’t like this. sometimes when i’m thinking that he doesn’t care about me anymore. but i don’t know. i want my boyfrined to be with me and right now i want to break up with him and have serious realtionship with a guy close to me. i couldn’t find a guy to be respectful. what should i do? i really love that guy but when i’m thinking that i can’t see him because of my family , i don’t want to stay like that, i want to move on. he is very good guy and respectful, he loves me because of me not something else and that’s the thing that i love about him. what should i do? can you help me? i hope you understand my situation. by the way I’m 20 years old and i’m going to university and i work everyday. and he is 22. so please please help me!

Dear Melody,

My advice would be very simple; Go on with your life and find happiness.

Somehow, I don’t think it’s that simple? But I do think you should have a cut-away plan. In all actuality, you have “a love,” for this fella. Far be it from me, to down play, your feelings. But I want you to ask yourself, if it’s possible, you’ve not had many dates or relationships and you’ve stayed where you are because you were in some kind of love?

Rarely, do that type of long distance relationships work. It is a bit unfortunate but if I had a remote control, that would turn off your emotions for him, I would do it. Certainly, it’s not that simple and me telling you to move on, is not that simple either.

I suggest that you take a long hard look at this situation and what your view or take on happiness and love is? Somehow, I don’t think you’d name your relationship, as ideal.

Be honest and tell this fella that you want a time apart, if you are able. Begin to date again. If you have the same faith as your family, I suggest that you pray for God to make the match. In your faith, Let Go & Let God.

Remember…if the path is too rocky, make sure you’re not going down the wrong path.

Things have been a challenge from the start. I think you should give yourself a chance to meet someone here and possibly of the same faith. The Muslim faith is quite stringent and it may be quite difficult for you to adapt and stand behind your man(husband) if you do not share the same faith.

These are things, I know you’ve considered. I have faith, you will find love again and you will find happiness, if you allow yourself.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:47 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

Labels: Internet Love, Religion and Relationships, Rocky Path?