The Little Things Mean So Much Sometimes

This was sent to Aunt B via email….

Dear Aunt B,
Hey, I’m a dude ,I was needing your advise, should I write to my ex g-friend who is serving 13 years in federal prison? I can’t get her outta my head , seriuos.
Thanks

Dear Dude,
I have stated, that I will answer any and all questions and I will honor that. I hope that you will read this and possibly get back to me, maybe give me more info.

I’m not sure if you are aware that I did 3 1/2 years in Prison, myself? I did and I sure can give you an educated opinion on the whole lo down, ins and outs of what it is to be in Prison. After stating this, I’ll make my point.

There are a few things that you must weigh or look at, right? I know that if it were me, I’d sure appreciate a letter or a visit. Just knowing that you’ve not been forgotten, with even a simple postcard can make all the difference. I got less than my share of letters, as my children mourned me and it was so painful, for them to even think about me being behind bars. I suffered for this but I had to understand. I had no visits in all those years, although my youngest son, did make an attempt. The way the system is designed now, you must have certain documents and I.D. and strict and rigid laws are in place concerning the visitation of children. My grandchild could not come in because of not having I.D. It was winter and they, of course, could not wait in the car. It was a sad day, when I knew my son had made the effort and drove so far and could not visit me. So, I know the disappointment of watching others go to visitation, day after day and you have none.
I also know what it is, to stand there, at mail call and they read off all the names but yours.

But I must make you aware of the realistic part of this scenario. It would be kind of you, to state that you care for this girl. I mean, I would love to know that, even after all that, someone cares. In that approach, I would say, yes, write her and tell her how you feel. Go visit her, if you are able and allowed. I don’t know your history but if you have convictions, yourself, you may not be able to visit.
If you do go visit, pay attention. Not everybody is able to have that peek into the institutional side of incarceration. For those of us, who are basically good people but made some serious mistakes, the toll is huge. If it was because of an addiction, you pay double, as you must reinvent yourself and adapt. Most addicts were running from emotions, feelings, bad memories. You throw that kind of a person, into a prison setting and it can triple the pain. It is survival of the fittest and you’ll come out of there one of two ways; bitter or blessed.

The Warning

You must realize that 13 years is a God awful long time. She will never be that same woman you knew. If she is meek and mild, she will no longer be that sweet young woman, you knew. She may be an improved version but you’ll have to realize that there will be baggage, feelings and an institutional mentality. It makes it hard to cope and live life on life’s terms. But the real question is this; Do you want to invest in her hardship by giving her the promise of your heart, only to move on because you are still in the real world? I mean, that’s the facts jack. Most men do not stick by their women, the statistics speak volumes. Men usually can not wait and move on. Women have a better percent total for sticking by their men incarcerated, that’s a textbook given.

Will you do more harm than good?

I think if you really care, you must follow your heart but have your eyes wide open and be aware of the draw backs and do not mislead her. If you plan on being there for her, in any capacity, honesty is the best policy. I’m sure she will be grateful for the fact that you even care and you do think about her. I don’t know how much time she has left or if she was just sent but I can only imagine, even a simple card saying that you were thinking about her and you care would be so appreciated. Even sending $10 in a money order would be a nice gesture. Ten dollars in there can stand between you having shampoo or not. I’ve had to wash my hair with soap, prison soap, until I could get assigned to a job. Then, I waited a month to get my commissary and you can’t imagine how much I appreciated my job at .18 an hour and that shampoo. The Ramen noodles saved me from having to gag down a meal of liver that was overcooked and stunk to high heaven. It’s the simple things that mattered. Remember that.

Write her but do not mislead her, ever, ok?

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Woman to Woman

Friday, April 20, 2007

Woman to Woman

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,
Hello, my name is Jessica and I am 22 years old. I really don’t know where to start… ok, back in 2004 I joined the US navy and that is where I met my current husband (he was stationed in Virginia and I was stationed in Florida). When we got married we really didn’t know a whole lot about each other, just that we were “in love”, we got married in July of 2005. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant….. come to find out when I was 8 months pregnant my husband came out and told me that he had cheated on me, he apologized, begged for forgiveness, said it would never happen again etc…. after having a serious conversation about our marriage I decided I would forgive him and try to move past the mistake he made. So far our whole marriage we have not lived together due to the military. December of 2006 I got out of the Navy and instead of moving to Virginia with my husband I moved back to my hometown due to our financial situation and moved in with my mother, I thought it would help us save money for awhile and it would be easier to pay off bills. (which we did) Currently I am still with my mother, but my husband and I are talking about moving me and the baby to Virginia this July after my sisters wedding. And this is a big problem for my mother, she tells me she believes that he is still cheating on me, and that he has never stopped, she is afraid that I am going to move there and find out for myself that he is cheating and then not have enough money to move back home, and that she can’t afford to move me back if I have to. Umm, this is really a big fight between my mother and I, a constant battle. To me it would only make sense, that if my husband did not want to be married to me that it would be 10 times easier for him to tell me over the phone that he wants a divorce then to tell me to my face… on the other hand my mother thinks that he is avoiding divorce because he doesn’t want to have to pay child support. All I hear from my mother is negative comments over and over and over…. and really its just driving me insane. My gut feeling tells me that he is not cheating on me and that I trust him. I’ll admit that every once and while I think about it… the “what if” questions tend to pop into my mind sometimes. But if he was with another woman and didn’t want to be with me, why would he want to plan to move me to Virginia?? That just wouldn’t make sense to me. So my question is, what do I do?!?!?! The only thing that would please my mother is if I divorce him, she thinks he is no good. But I don’t want to live life to please my mother….. I have to think about myself. Right? Just any advice about this whole situation would be great….. Thank you for your time.

Dear Jessica,

While I feel it is important for a woman to respect her Mother, note that I used the word “woman.” I truly feel for your situation and my gut instincts tell me, if he was truly about cheating, he wouldn’t want you to move to Virginia. That would be stupid on his part, now wouldn’t it? In addition, you will always hear me, rather, see me write that we must pay attention to our gut instincts. Yours, has told you that he is faithful. He obviously loves you or he’d make excuses why you should stay with Mom. That would be the easy way out, right? While we can’t know what tomorrow brings, your place is with your husband. If you stay with Mom and never dip your toe in, to test the water, you’ll never know or have the chance at a happy marriage. If nothing else, you must consider, that your child may need his/her father. I do believe that children need both parents, unless it makes complete and utter warfare. That scenario, is never good for the child. But where there is love, there is a happy child.

I imagine, in this case, you had to tell Mom, why you were moving home. Let this be a lesson for you, as well as the countless couples out there, that you never tell Mama. I wrote about it here. As you see, this is a textbook case, of you forgiving your husband but Mom can’t. He hurt her baby and she wants nothing more to do with him. This puts a strain on you and your mothers relationship. Live and learn, as I did!
I think that your rightful place is with your husband. If you two are to make a go of it, moving to Virginia is the answer. But how do we get Mom, to see this?

Perspective

You may have to dig and think of an incident, where your Mother was hurt by someone and she forgave them. Why do I have the feeling that your Father is not in the picture? If he is, in the picture, surely, there is something he did, through the years, to hurt your mother. They say that Love is Never Having to Say You’re Sorry (Love Story 1970’s) I don’t know about you but there are countless times where I was hurt and I hurt someone else. It may not have been on a grand scale but find something that was done, to make your point. Then, you show Mom, how when this person apologized to her, for the harm they had done, she accepted it. But what if you had not? What if you had held a grudge and made things difficult?
You must point out, how it would feel, if you refused to let go of what was done to her, which of course, would makes things rather difficult.

I think Mom is only trying to look out for your welfare and suffice it to say, she means no harm. Just like most Mom’s, she doesn’t want her child to hurt or to be hurt and wants to protect you. But you are a woman, no longer a little girl and you may have to point this out. She may have to realize that she needs to respect your wishes and put her feelings aside for the betterment of your marriage.

A man shall leave his mother, a woman shall leave her home. When you marry a man, he becomes your family. Unless he is actually hurting you, your place is in that home. You must point out to Mom, that your rightful place is with your husband and you must try for the sake of your child, as well. Maybe ask Mom, what it is, the real reason, why she has such disdain for your husband. If it was because he fooled around, she must understand that it is your decision to forgive him and out of respect, she should try to put her feelings aside and try to understand that you love your husband dearly and you want it to work.

You sit Mom down, have some coffee and tell her that you want to speak to her woman to woman, not mother and daughter. This will set the stage for a capsuled scenario of understanding and outlook. You also state that you do not want to argue or upset her, you simply want to talk. You would appreciate an audience with her that is not filled with angry thoughts or words, just woman to woman.
You then tell her that, you want, you need, her blessings and understanding. It is eating you up, the fact that you want to be with your husband and she can’t stand the idea. You tell her, you would hope she could find it in her heart to forgive him, for the sake of your child as well as yourself. You say that you must give this a chance but you must have her blessings. You can’t stand the thought that this would upset her, as you respect her, love her and never want to hurt her. You can point out that if we never forgave people, the world would stop and in your little world, it is falling apart. While you understand and respect her feelings, you would ask that she respect and try to understand yours and the love that you have for your husband. It is then, that you point out, that you are going into this, with your eyes wide open. You will not be stupid, you will be on your toes, concerning, if he has impropriety on his mind. You will also stash some money, a “Just in Case” fund. You ask Mom, to please try and understand, try to see how being away from your husband and her animosity towards him, is more than you can bear. Can she find it in her heart, possibly, to forgive?

Put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt

You will then make your husband, more than aware of the fact that, this has torn you and your family apart. You will not stand for any monkey business and if he’s not serious, he needs to say so and go on with his life, minus yours. You tell him that a true man is about honesty and if you do not make him happy, he must say so. Say something before you go out there, with fooling around on your mind. Point out to him, that you are done crucifying him for what he has done, you choose to forgive him. It is only because you do have undying love for him, that you are able to forgive him. It does not mean that he got away with it and you will never be gullible again. Then, you ask him, how would he feel, if you had done that to him? Would he forgive you? Would he trust you and would his own mother, forgive you? Perspective. You must let him know that if he hurts you again, you will not be as nice and you will do your damnedest to make his life a living hell. Let his imagination ponder that and never tell him what you are talking about, just let him know that it is not an idle threat but an extremely calculated and well thought plan. Keep him on his toes, make him think!

Further reading Click Here

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:57 PM

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Cheating, Fixing Family, Personal Relationships, Respecting Mother

Healing From the Unexplained

Friday, April 20, 2007

Healing From The Unexplained

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,
Hello, this is your granddaughter Jessica. I just want to know, what you think about that Virginia Tech Shooting? Me personally, I was in tears. It was not fair to those who are in college, trying to make something of themselves. Then a low-life foreigner (Please don’t take this the wrong way, everyone) who as here just for college and that’s it, to take their lives. This just goes to show, that there is no way to be safe in the U.S.A. We might as well give up. This country is shot. To add to that, the people here (Mostly the Government, in my eyes) are greedy. In the dictionary, the definition for greed, should be the U.S. Government.

Dear Jessica,
I feel your pain on this as you and I both know, it hit close to home. I don’t understand why people do what they do? If anybody has seen, true crime and behavior, you know it is me. I’ve met and lived with, some of the most brutal people. I’ve had conversations, with women, who callously killed their very own children. I don’t understand them or their behavior. There is no answer short of mental illness. I’d also attach a hidden agenda of that nasty entity, who walks the depths of hell. After you’ve sat with, dined with and lived with these people, you get a whole new outlook. Prisons are filled with people who are mentally ill. It’s extremely hard to get an Insanity Plea to work anymore and a huge percentage of these people, who should be in a mental institution, are placed in prison. I met more than my share and they themselves, can not explain their own crimes. While it is completely unfathomable to grasp any semblance of understanding as to why people behave as they do, we must learn from this, to expect the unexpected. For the civilized population, it is things such as this and the deaths at Virginia Tech, that we must learn from. There were warning signs, as there often are. Teachers had made note, even mental note. One particular teacher, even went to higher ups, concerning the fact that this guy was menacing her other students with his behavior and his abrasive poetry, projecting violence. She was basically met with the old standard; if he’s done nothing, we can do nothing. I suppose the lesson to be learned is if you see something, say something and heed the warnings.
Healing from this, is of course the hardest part. When you can’t understand, the reasoning for something, it makes it harder. But we must live and learn, become wiser or the killer wins.
We can not choose to look at the racial overtones, looking for fault, is natural though. It is in our nature to blame the particular race for the whole situation instead of looking at the individual. Cho had and is a permanent resident since 1992. He is from Korea but let me point out to you this; other than this killing spree, the one, which he may have modeled his behavior from, the Columbine Massacre, 8 years ago and those boys were American. Mental Illness comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and obviously; Race.
We must learn to take people seriously, as to what they might reveal in the inner workings of their mind. I learned this very valuable lesson, myself, even recently. I never believed my Boyfriend, Chris would kill himself. He had said he was going to before and I thought it was a blow-hard tactic. But he was serious, wasn’t he? He followed through and sadly, I must learn a very hard lesson. I wrote about that here.

We must not allow the killer to profit, even in his death.
Next month, the students, who were killed, will be awarded their Degrees. How touching and befitting, this compilation of sorrow.

There are several compelling links, concerning Cho’s demeanor and behavior. Read here, here, here.
Boing Boing has posted part of Cho’s rather disturbing play, here. You can read the full text of the play, here.
To learn more about Cho Seung-Hui, Click Here

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 4:31 AM    

Labels: Animosity and Anger, Mental Illness, Suicide, Va.Tech Shooting

Guilt Trip 101

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Guilt Trip 101

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B.

I have a problem with my sister. Recently, I found out from my mother that she (my sister) was saying that I was lazy and that she is never paying for my airline ticket again to visit. Now, I was on a visit at this last Christmas with my sister in which she paid for my airline ticket. It was a family reunion.

She seems to think that I should have been more helpful in lending a hand in cleaning up etc. As I recall, I did do some dishes and sweep as it was only a 1 week visit. I don’t know why she would say this to my mother but I think it has to be something else. My other sister was also visiting at the same time.

A little background, she and I were never close growing up and she was more closer to my other sister and they were pals and still are.

She never showed me a kind face when I visited her and when I did speak to her about anything she seemed to not be interested in what I had to say or pay any attention to my even speaking. She seemed to smile and pay attention to everyone else speaking to her except for me. She seemed very snobby to me.

To me, she seems to be a workaholic as she never seems to sit still and is always doing something.

She recently told my mother that I was lazy and she is never paying for my airline ticket again(which she has been doing for many years without me asking her to do so).

The problem is she has really hurt my feelings and I feel betrayed by her saying that I am lazy. I don’t think I am a lazy person and I have a handicapped child that I have had to take care of and I have been through my own personal hell in raising him but I love him regardless.

I feel like I have been stabbed in the back by her and I am so upset with her that I feel like calling her and telling her off but because my mother asked me not to say anything I am not sure what I should do. My mother babysits for her and cleans her homes you see so I would put my mother in a bad position if I said anything to my sister. I am just so upset and hurt by this and the cold behavior she had shown to me at Christmas time.

I have a feeling she is just jealous of when my other sister and I are together and share jokes and enjoy each other’s company. That is what I feel is behind her nasty remark made to my mother behind my back, just jealousy.

There seems to be a competition from her to have my sister’s attention etc.

Should I just swallow this feeling and try to get over it or should I say something to my other sister about my feelings (the one that I get along with) and have her pass on this information to the snobby sister which I am sure she would do since they are very pals.

Would it not be in my best interest to say anything at all to anyone and just not ever visit her anymore. I will miss seeing my 2 nieces that I love …because of this problem.

I feel she apparently hates me maybe because of the attention my other sister gives me.

I don’t know what to do about this but every day that passes I get more pissed off and hurt.

Please help me in finding a resolution to my hurt feelings about this matter.

Thank you kindly.

Janet.

Dear Janet,

First, let me validate your feelings by telling you that I would be upset too. I think her comment was designed to be kept secret but designed to make you look bad and her good. It was an attempt to make her look like the Golden Child, the Hard Worker, the best of the best. But we see through it, now don’t we?

I imagine if I’d flown somewhere, even at a family members house, I would view it, as somewhat of a vacation and I was not brought there to work? Helping out is one thing. Drying the dishes or something to that effect, is one thing but is it possible she thought you were supposed to run the vacuum, then, shampoo the carpets?

I don’t know, the whole story here but I take care of my Autistic nephew and it is beyond taxing. I love him dearly but he is six years old and I am 48. You can bet your bum that I fall out at night after chasing after him, wrestling and cleaning up after him. So, if I were invited somewhere, I’d be searching for a break and I would think it would be with family. You would think they’d see this but truly, your one sister has aspired to miss the true meaning of life. Let me explain…

Some people, measure themselves by how hard they work. Some measure themselves by how hard they work at getting out of work. Neither are healthy. My own Mother was, note the word, “WAS,” one of those work till your fingers bleed, kinda gals. She instilled in me, a similar unhealthy outlook and I have worked myself sick. While it is good to have a good work ethic, keep a tidy home and not be a pig, it is soooooo unhealthy to think this is the benchmark of who you are. I think that is what your Sister would like to be. She goes around, “Hey everybody, look at me, I work harder than anybody else.” Excuse me, I have to go throw up. Be right back…lol!

It is actually sad, this whole state of affairs. But I’ve seen it countless times, hell, I grew up in a similar situation. Old school dictates, that it’s a complete embarrassment, a faux paus, for everything, not be neat and tidy, dishes done, everything put away, laundry done and folded. The yard must be mowed to perfection, shrubs and hedges clipped, house painted, car washed. Take little Matilda to piano lessons, take Johnny to soccer practice, Chelsea has to go to Ballet. The and the dog needs walked and we must make sure the garbage is put out on the curb at exactly sun down and not before and pick up any debris that has flown into your yard, my God, what would the Jones’ say about all this? We have to do this and get a better car because what would the Jones’ tell the Smiths? The truth of the matter is… those families don’t talk, their kids are mixed up and pretty soon, Mr. Jones is going to have a heart attack because he works himself into the ground. But when they do his Eulogy, they’ll be sure to mention that he worked hard all his life and had the tidiest yard in the neighborhood. They won’t mention that Mrs. Jones was having an affair because she craved the love her husband used to give her, when they first met, before his priorities, were not to work all the time. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture? I have the feeling that your sister was looking for fault and that is what she pulled out of her rear axle. I don’t think it’s the true issue here, your lack of helping, with the cleaning during a visit. So, what is the true nature of her beef?

As I said, my own Mom was like that. She was constant and always working, never stopping to smell the roses, much less make time for family. I don’t know if it was my letter to her that changed that. I’d like to think it was but I pointed out that I had figured out the secrets to life;
Love, Laughter and Family. If we allow all the other things to stand in the way of what is important, we are not living right. Have dinner with family and let the dishes sit, they can wait. Take that precious time, to find out how your family is and enjoy their company. If my kids came to visit me or my family, I’d only do the dishes that I needed to do. Thank goodness for the dishwasher. I’d have cleaned before they came and only do what was absolutely necessary. I sure as hell wouldn’t expect them, to do or start cleaning. I would treat them like company, like royalty because I value them just like royalty. I’m not wasting valuable time on doing housework. I don’t care if I’ve got to step over shit, to get to them, that’s what I will do to spend that time with them and them alone. I am not encouraging filth, I am encouraging priorities.

Life is Too Short

“Life is too short for the dumb shit.” I know this is crude but it is my saying. I think you understand this concept, however, your sister does not. So how can we help her understand? We also don’t want to betray Mom’s confidence. I find it hard to swallow, first off, a woman who throws her opinion out there, like she is all that but has her own mother clean her home and watch her children. That speaks to me, big time. It tells me that she is hypocritical and she certainly has a self-esteem issue. She wants to make you look bad, so she looks better. By buying your ticket all this time, she looks like the Queen of Turd Island and you will pay homage to the Queen. I am not trying to piss you off but to give you back your power. You may not be in the position to pay for these tickets, so you may visit? If you can afford it, stop allowing her to pay for it. It makes her feel superior and I don’t think she’s been doing it out of the kindness of her heart. If you can take that away from her, do it.

As I said, life is too short and your sister does not realize this. We need to give her a big fat dose of perspective. I realize that you are angry and would love nothing more, than to tear into her, in fact, I’d be willing to bet, you are grinding your teeth on this one. I would be. But we want things to work, not make it worse and we want to win. So, let me introduce you to my class;

Guilt Trip 101

I am a huge fan of letter writing. If you’ve read any of my other posts, almost every answer has something to do with writing a letter. There’s a reason for this. When someone reads a letter, you have captured their attention, uninterrupted by rebuttal. Your feelings are laid out, well planned and choreographed, carefully worded. When you confront someone in person, especially in a scenario, such as this, the stakes are kind of high. If they don’t have complete composure, they tend to put up a wall and they really don’t hear you. They may take a defensive stance and never hear a word you say. In turn, you may not say what needs to be said or speak from the heart because your own anger may cloud the real issues. Finally, confrontation out of anger, is rarely a fix all. It usually makes things worse. You’ll be hard pressed to put a sister in place who has all the components of an egotist with a flip side of low self-esteem. Go figure?
We want to make an impact, make her think, make a change, huh? There’s really only one way to do this…guilt trip. I know, it’s down and dirty, it’s underhanded, it’s just what we have to do.

The Letter

You start the letter by pointing out, that you love your Sister, immensely. You tell her that, for whatever reason, you are aware that your relationship is strained and you do not understand why? You tell her that life is too short and if something were to happen to her tomorrow, it would be regrettable if you, knowing what you know, didn’t try to make it better. You tell her that if there was something in your past, that you did to her, that hurt her, you want to apologize. You say, that you would appreciate it, if you both, for the sake of family, could wipe the slates clean, (notice I said, “SLATES” in plural). You tell her, that it does not sit well with you, for a sister that you love, dearly, to dislike you so much and it actually hurts. You say that you do not know what is is that makes her feel as she does about you but you can feel the distance and it hurts. You tell her that, you feel that she probably loves you but, you can tell that she does not “like you.” You’d like to change that because you only get one family and they’ll never be another sister like her. God forbid, if she were to leave this earth tomorrow, you’d want her to know that she was loved. You point out that you two are different, with different lives and interests but once again, life is too short to miss the opportunity to tell someone that you care, that you want your relationship to be good and you want to enjoy each other’s company, when you visit. You then mention, the fact that you could feel something wasn’t right and it hasn’t been right for TOO LONG. You then say, that you do not want to go any longer with things as they are. Finally, you ask her, “What can we do to fix this, to heal the situation?”

If you have hurt her, you may not be aware of it. But I have the feeling that she’s just been pious. Still, all of this will make her think, really what is her problem with you. You have not handed her the whole plate, only that if you hurt her and this is why she has behaved as she has, then let’s fix it. You have now deferred and projected onto her, that for the sake of the family, she should try to fix this. Life is far too short for games and wasted time. Family is for love and laughter and without it, life truly sucks. I hope you can work this out.

This comment was sent to Aunt B. It is from the author of the original question. I have answered her comment. Please read…

Dear Aunt B.

Thank you for your advice on the problem with my sister and her calling me Lazy.

I knew there had to be more to that Lazy comment directed towards me….. and your information on how past hurts that I have done to her is right on the money.

I was a young teen and I used to call her fat and chubby and make fun of her all the time and later I used to secretly tell my other sister (the one I got along with) that she was so cold like a bitch…at least I think it was a secret….maybe not so secret after all…….I think I did that mostly because I didn’t like the snobby way she used to treat me even then as a kid. I guess in a way I was trying to make her like me like she liked my other sister.

I know that calling anyone a name is wrong and hurtful and it comes back to bite you one day. Kids do and say cruel things to each other and I am guilty of hurting her in the past with the fat jokes. I can’t believe how cruel as a child I could be to her and dare I say it, Mean to her. On another note, my other sister made fun of her fat too.

But I guess she is getting me back now…especially since she is rich now and i am not….she is slim and I am the chubby one now.

She has everyone in my family under her control with her money and the free trips and cruises she can offer them….and for a while me also. I looked at the free tickets as her love for me and her caring about me…but little did I know…it was just to show me how rich and powerful she is and all the houses she has and Rolexes and diamonds…..and cars….literally rub my nose in it.

You have opened up my eyes as to the possible real reason by her attitude and treatment towards me.

And yes I will try to write her the guilt trip letter but I am not sure what I will say without letting the cat out of the bag that our mother mentioned the Lazy comment to me….I am still pissed off with her though.

I will try to do my best in depleting my anger ….and instead…..expressing my love for her and tell her how sorry I am for hurting her in the past and let’s clear Slates as you say for family’s sake. I think I am finding it hard to think I could write a letter to her and express my feelings to someone who is so cold and to me could care less. I fear her rejection and belittlement of me if I were to tell her sorry for past hurts that i have caused her. I feel this would empower her more over me…to treat me bad…or to make her look even better than me.

It also seems to me that by appearing as she does to be cold that she is protecting herself from being ruled by emotions which could make her appear weak and break down her “I am perfect and in control of everything and everyone facade.”

I do feel sorry for her that she lives with an abusive husband who controls her every move by the way…i don’t think i mentioned that part…he is a rich well to do Doctor…not all doctors are Gods, this one is a total asshole…and i am not the only one that thinks so…believe me.

But she loves the power that all the money can buy and do…especially when it comes to her family. She loves to flash her diamonds and her expensive Rolex watches to family…and her many homes.

I guess that makes up for the abuse she takes from her husband and yes he is also critical of her weight if she gains even more than 5 lbs. He is a pig…..but that is another story.

I hope I don’t seem like I am still the kid calling names….I have had my share of abuse from her husband too. Our entire family has in fact…with money as the weapon to hold over us and keep you us down in the dungeon as they stomp on you and throw you a bone every now and then to let you know much they really do care for you.

My mother told me it is just an act she does to disguise her unhappiness.

I will let you know Aunt B if I do get up the guts to write that letter and what I said and the outcome if any.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, I really do appreciate it. You are very smart and all knowing, my hats off to you .

We have both grown from this, can you see that? I am always learning from what I read and how people perceive things, how they take their bumps and lumps and the interchangeable way people choose to look at things. I think you have a good attitude and one which is reasonable. I don’t think you are wrong in the least bit for feeling the way you do, about all of this. I think most would agree with you and it is perceptive that you see through your sister’s facade.

I agree with you, I don’t think she’s trying to buy your love but maybe buying your respect. Of course, she’s going about it, in all the wrong ways. Money doesn’t buy everything, huh? Although, it can be a temporary fix and I’d rather cry in a Lexus than a Volkswagen, with an Ann Taylor suit, Rolex and Prada handbag, it sure don’t get ya no happiness. Nope, happiness resides in the heart, not in what we own. But for us real folks, she knows that she can hit the hardest, by trying to make us look up to her and her money. What’s the best way to do that? By holding it over our heads and being the answer to our problems, financially. You have to pity that mentality and I’m not sure if I’d want to trade places with her. Having said that, I want you to realize that I would rather be you, the one who has empathy, knows laughter, is genuine and knows the difference. Be proud of who you are and the fact that you are trying to better yourself. Be proud of the fact, that you can look in the mirror and see the truth. But let me take you one more step…

I don’t know how Spiritual, you are but I do believe that there is a Higher Power and we will one day answer for our lives, our behavior. How we play the game is important, how we treat others, is even more important. But all in all, we must be true to ourselves, right?

Anger kills. It can keep a good man down and make a strong woman crumble. Staying angry about something, a situation like this, well, you are the one suffering more than anyone else. I’d like to see you get past your anger and your own pain. I also realize that you have dealt with this pain, most of your life, huh? Get your power back. Right now, I hate to say but you’ve handed it, your power, to your sister and she’s playing with it like a stress ball; squeezing it, squashing it, throwing it against the wall. Don’t think that I am telling you anything other than, what I’ve had to realize on my own, what I have had to come to grips with. You are no less or weaker than me, we just hadn’t seen the whole shebang. It’s time for you to take it back.

Write that letter and use some of the phrases or the way I have worded a few things. They are chock full of reason. Your apology, the way I worded it, is empowering, yet you are not bearing the “all” of it. Re-read what I asked you to say, in the letter. It is actually, a carefully orchestrated piece. Try to use it to your advantage. By writing her this letter, you have tried to do your part, to make this better. Not only that, you have now, dumped, it in her lap, the deferred responsibility, of trying to make this work.

When it comes down to it, what I want for you is to get back your power. My feeling is that, your sister may be stuck in her stuck-up world. You may make her aware of your intent, your feelings and your desire for things to be or get better. But the reality of this is that, it may be no more than a quick fix. I hope it is groundbreaking. In the event that it is not, I would still love for you to see yourself, in a whole new light.

You get more bees with honey, than vinegar, right? You smile, hold your head up and know that you are a better person for trying to make this better. See, the objective here, is that you will be able to live your life, with one less handicap. This handicap is just as real as your child’s; you just can’t see it as easily.

I have Intuition, we’ll say. I can see that you are such a good and caring person. You are not a pushover and you have the ability to see things, others do not see. You have empathy and compassion. You do not go out of your way to hurt others or to step on their toes. You mind your own business and you are a loyal friend but private. You are so disgusted by your sister’s jealous behavior, not to mention her snooty persuasion. You are better than this. You are a much better person and as you can see, she is not better off because she has money. She’s a bitter person. Do not emulate her. Do not wish you had what she has. The truth of the matter is this; you are the richest of the sisters. You have what she does not; Heart. Some people will never know the secrets to life but you do. Do not let her take you down, not one more day. Take that burr out of your saddle by writing the letter. Then, throw on your cowgirl hat and ride high in that saddle.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:52 PM    

Labels: Family Advice, Fixing Family, Life is Too Short, Sister Issues, Using Guilt to Your Advantage

Dream Wreckers

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Dream Wreckers

This was sent to Aunt B via email…
Dear Aunt B,

My friend has a boyfriend and she is not on the pill or anything so when they have sex, they use a condom always. Well she decided she wanted to get pregnant with him so what she did was, right after they had sex and he wrapped up the condom with the semen in it, she went and took it out of the garbage while he was in the bathroom and put the semen inside her. Then the next day they had sex same thing she took the condom and took a tampon and stuck it in the condom to cover it with semen and then inserted it inside her. I have never heard of anyone doing this, I know semen dies quickly but this she said was still wet and still clearly alive because it was within 10 minutes that she put it in herself. I was just speechless and had no advice no anything to say to her because from what I heard from her, I don’t see how she wouldn’t be able to get pregnant….please any advice would be great because I’m trying to help her but I’m not doing a very good job…I know you cant tell me for sure or not but I would just like some advice to tell her please let me know your thoughts. I have tried writing to sites similar to this many times and they either didn’t respond or haven’t helped at all. Thanks…

Dear Friend,

This is such a sad story and it really conjures up a lot of emotion. I truly give you credit for seeking counsel on this matter. This is a very serious situation, with even more possible consequences. I hope we can find something or someway to bring about a change or perspective on this.

I realize this is a very sticky situation. From your letter, I see that this is a friend, someone you must be close with or they probably would not have divulged this secret. I can also imagine that you are a bit reserved as to how to handle this. On one hand, you don’t want to hurt your friend, her feelings or overstep your boundaries. This is surely a friendship test, if I ever saw one.

OK, let’s nip this in the bud from the start; Yes, your friend can get pregnant.

I do not know it all, so I researched this, (even if I think I do). But it is part common sense and I believed she could but I wanted to be certain and have medical fact to back up my hypothesis. Here are a few links, just in case you may question my judgment, on this. Basically, it’s called Artificial Insemination. Those two words, should speak volumes. Done in this manner, they are cold, unfeeling and planned. I call it unscrupulous and it is not natural. Deception and cold-hearted, also come to mind. She is taking a natural act of his love and distorting it. Remember the word…Karma.

Definition Artificial Insemination

IVI At Home

Artificial Insemination, when done in conjunction with your Doctor and when it is planned, by a loving couple, can be a beautiful thing.
Just from my own research, I would say, while it is harder for her to become pregnant this way, it is a real possibility. But I really want to address this, actually common situation and conspiracy. I do hope that you will read the rest of this post and I hope you will copy this or show this to your friend. This is one of the biggest things or best you could do for your friend; a dose of reality and honesty… My own son son, my youngest, had his life completely changed by an act, similar to this one. They were both 17 and in love. A***** was ready to run away and my son approached me about her moving in with us. Her Mom would allow it and almost encouraged it as they had not been getting along for quite some time. I knew they had been sexually active. I had let him know, I did not condone his sexual conduct and spoke with him about the possibilities. I made the concession that if she went on birth control and he knew she was taking it, I would agree, to her moving in. They both agreed, she went to the Clinic and began her Birth Control pills. I considered this the lesser of two evils. As the months wore on, my son was not exactly the best or most attentive boyfriend as he still wanted to go out with his buddies and she wanted him home. I always liked A***** and she was a very attractive, beautiful girl. I imagine, my son was too young to be in such a serious relationship and I can’t say he was wrong but I can’t say he was right, either. I found out, later, that A***** had cooked up an idea, one she thought would bring them closer. She decided for whatever reason, to stop taking the birth control. She wanted to become pregnant. When they had first got together, when she moved in, my son watched her take the pill and would remind her to take it, per my wishes. He became lax about it and she knew this. She just stopped taking it and she became pregnant. Had she not confessed her inner emotions to a friend, I would have believed her when she said that she had been taking the pill religiously. She would have been lying of course but I would have just figured that it was another statistic, another story of someone getting pregnant on the pill. It does happen and it would have been believable. She gave birth to my first Granddaughter, Kassandra. This was a tumultuous time in my life and not an easy time for my son, as well. But Kassandra was so beautiful. We soon found out she had *Cystic Fibrosis and my Grandbaby was so sick. I don’t know the schematics of why their relationship fell apart but it did. She became very mean and nasty and eventually forbid my son, as well as myself, to have anything more to do with her or the baby.She was using the baby against us. Now, let me make it clear that I was not the ideal Grandma, at that time. Kassandra was born, just a short time after I became clean from Heroin, nine years ago.A***** only knows me as a heroin addict and I can’t blame her for her animosity towards me. Even if I have changed, I can’t make her see this, especially since we have no idea where she is. I heard she is in Arizona, which makes it extremely hard to find her, much less build a relationship. Because Kassandra has special needs, she had huge Medical bills. My son is responsible for those bills. He has had his wages garnished every since 1998. Yes, he is responsible for this child and has never tried to get out of paying that money.But there was a point where he was living off of $300 a month, after they took out a huge chunk of child support from his paycheck. I love my Granddaughter and she is at the top of my prayers, every single night. It is painful to know that I have a 9 year old granddaughter out there, who has my eyes but is so sick her life span is marked at 28 years old. Life is not fair, I know this but some of our choices make it worse. My son was not ready to be a father and she made that decision for him. Then again, every time you have sex, you are flirting with the possibility and it becomes a situation I like to call, “You wanna play, you might just pay.” I’d also known, personally, the story of the man who went to Prison for life, when he shot the woman that did a similar thing. He thought she was on birth control but she purposely became pregnant. They’d fought the whole pregnancy, arguing about anything and everything. He wanted her to have an abortion and she refused. I do not agree with abortion, either, but I do not like entrapment and what she had done was wrong. After their child was born, they had continued to fight every day. The very last argument they had, she was telling him she was leaving. She gave the confession that she had become pregnant on purpose but she was going to “take him to the cleaners. I’ll own your paycheck!,” she shouted. He shot her dead, right there, right then. An end to a tragic story. Actually, that was not the end of that horrible story. The child had to be placed in foster care as neither had family, that could take care of the newborn. That child was bounced from foster home to foster home and is now, still a ward of the state. The truest victim is that child who has suffered for the selfishness of it’s mother and father both.That child had no choice but both parents did. Yes, your friend can do this and get pregnant. But it is girls/women like this that scare the hell out of me. To knowingly, on purpose, deceptively get pregnant without the consent of your sexual partner, should be a crime. It is morally wrong and nothing good can come of it. Does she take into account that he obviously does not want to have a child? I know guys; they hate wearing condoms and say it’s like having sex with your socks on and they can’t feel it. I know, that they do not wear condoms, unless, it is for a valid reason. They only wear them, if they feel they have to. Has your friend thought this through? Not to mention, the fact, that it may be the single one thing that drives them apart. Has she thought, if he leaves, is she going to go after him for child support? Will he freely pay it or will they end up garnishing his wages? Is it fair to him? Is it fair to the child? I have to say, in this day and age, throwing your child in daycare, is the biggest hurt piece there is. To trust a stranger to show love, caring and nurturing to your child is a less than easy thing to do. Has she considered that diapers don’t grow on trees and she will have to work to pay for that and more? That baby, she so desperately wants, will have to be taken care of by a stranger, unless she is fortunate enough to have family to help her.There are just so many things that can go wrong, so many variables to think about and I think a lot of people do not think it through before they choose to have children. If you are not ready to have children and I am talking about this possibility for the man and woman, that child can be resented. Whether you mean to or not, in the back of your mind, you look at the child as missed opportunity and a change in your life, you were not ready to go through. You then show resentment, maybe a lack of patience and true animosity. Motherhood and Parenthood should be a wonderful planned time and approach to life. Our divorce rate is sky-high and I’d be willing to bet, that the number one argument couples who broke up had, was a concern of or lack thereof, of money. It takes a huge chunk of change to pay for a child from birth to college. It takes gumption to put food on the table and do without all those frills to raise a child. It takes sacrifice that some are not willing to give. People work because they want things; cash, nice cars, clothes, a nice home, jewelry and just stuff. When they can’t have it, they often become frustrated and begin to look at what is keeping them from having it. They just might see that it’s the kids that are keeping them from their dreams. They then begin the concept of looking at their own children as the “Dream Wreckers.” Believe it or not, that is a natural or possibly human response. It may not be right but a valid emotion. The question is then; what do they do with that “emotional epiphany?” Some, will be able to work through those emotions. Some will not. Some will take it out on the children in the form of physical or verbal abuse. Some will withdraw and not give emotion. Some will deduce and do without, see that it is their lot in life but remain emotionally detached. There are just so many bad variables that can happen, especially when you are young and not ready to have children. In the infinite end, it is the children who pay, for the lack of moral and sensible judgment of their parents. It is the children who may pay for the insensitivity of a Mom who chose without the consent of her partner to have children. It’s not only morally wrong, it’s a down right outrage and a dumbass thing to do. Having children, should be a joyous occasion. Their giggles and the laughter can not be matched with anything that could possibly bring you happiness. But the whole baby making thing is taken too lightly. We have children, only to throw them into daycare and as soon as possible, we make them into “Latch Key Kids,” coming home to an empty home, entertained by T.V. and Internet, Video Games and completely unsupervised. Then, we can’t understand why they get into trouble and we question their choice of friends? Why do we do this? We want it all, the Great American Dream. But that dream has become distorted with our selfish habits and our want for all things BIG. Our children suffer for this and I see it every day. Having children is a huge undertaking and you need both parents or perspective parents, on the same page, working in conjunction with the idea to bring your children up with good values and beliefs. How can we teach them, these traditions and the basic values, if we are at work all the time? We work so hard to have the big house, big car, big appliances, big jewelry, big, big, big!

Your friend is playing with someone else’s destiny and I don’t think very many people would disagree with me that it is wrong. She needs to re-think this and the possible bad things that could come from it. When you do dirt, you get dirt. When you are deceptive, you will be deceived. My own best friend, Mz.Karma Bitchslap, will be sure to visit her. I hope you share this with her and I hope she sees, the potential life changing damage it could cause. Be her friend by sharing this with her. Be strong and show her this post and then stand in front of the mirror, knowing you have done a good thing. Sleep well! You used to be able to live on love…not anymore. ~~~~

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email from the author of this letter;

Thank you so much for your response, it really helps me out a lot, and I

will definitely show her what you had to say. Thanks again.

w******

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Definition of Cystic Fibrosis Cystic fibrosis (CF) is a chronic, progressive and genetic (inherited) disease of the body’s exocrine (mucus producing) glands which affects approximately 30,000 children and adults in the United States. Description of Cystic Fibrosis Cystic fibrosis (CF) primarily affects the respiratory, digestive and reproductive systems, as well as the sweat glands. The mucus secreted is very thick and blocks passageways in the lungs and digestive tracts. Cystic fibrosis is transmitted to a child when both parents carry the recessive gene but do not have the disease. When such a couple has children, there is a 25 percent chance that one of their children will develop cystic fibrosis; there is a 50 percent chance that the child will carry the gene, but will not have the disease; and a 25 percent chance that the child will be totally unaffected. Cystic fibrosis is the most common fatal hereditary disorder for Caucasians in the U.S. About 1 in 2500 Caucasians are affected, and more than 10 million people (one in 31 Americans; one in 28 Caucasians) is an unknowing, symptomless carrier of the defective gene. The average lifespan of a person affected with CF is between 28 and 30 years of age. As with any “average” this means that some with this disease now live well beyond this age. With the introduction of medications and drainage procedures, children with CF, who years ago would have died before reaching adulthood, are now often living into mid-adulthood and beyond. The cause of death in CF patients is usually respiratory tract infections or respiratory distress, coupled with enlargement of the right side of the heart (cor pulmonale).

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:52 PM    

Labels: Choices, Consequence, Cystic Fibrosis, Doing the Right Thing, Friendship Test, Getting Pregnant Deceptively, Having Children, Latch Key Kids, Pregnancy, Sexual Issues, Too Young for Children

Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Has your mom ever annoyed you soooo much you want to runaway?

Dear Friend,

To answer your question; she sure did and I did run away!

My Dad was the Lt.Colonel but it was my Mom who was the Drill Sergeant. She was a taskmaster and I thought she was just being mean. She made me keep my room immaculate and I had to do dishes and clean the house, do laundry and on and on. I can remember thinking, “I’m not the maid here. Slave labor was abolished.” I realize now, that she was teaching me life skills, a good work ethic and strong, sturdy personal habits. If I had only seen this, things may have been different.

I was always in trouble and spent most of my childhood, mainly my teen years on restriction; no phone, no going out. I had to stay in the house. I’m not talking a day or two, I’m talking weeks, months of restriction to the house.

We have a wonderful relationship now but back then it was real bad.I hated my Mom and I believed she hated me. She was so hard on me and when I messed up, I was then restricted. I was convinced she truly could not stand me. I was always getting in trouble, always doing something stupid and I had criminal behaviors, even then. I gave my Mom, a run for her money. I was real good at being bad and did not pay attention in school. Who the heck needs to learn about how to spell or fractions and junk. I wanted them to stop wasting my time because I knew it all.

I stole her Cadillac at the tender age of 14, in an attempt at running away. I was headed to Ocean City, Md., I lived in Virginia. I went across state lines and was caught, in Maryland. I was then fingerprinted and charged by the F.B.I. with Interstate Transportation.
That was not the last time I ran away. The very last time, Miss Know It All, was 16. I ended up getting pregnant. Running away from home, changed my life forever. There was never, any turning back and I had made those choices, me and me alone.

Looking In The Mirror

I wanted to be all grown up. What I didn’t realize was, along with being all grown up, came responsibilities. I can look back now and laugh about how ridiculous I was. I am able to see now, just how badly I blew things out of proportion, just how badly I blew up my life. I didn’t want to be told what to do because I thought I, she’s just being mean. I didn’t realize she was teaching me but you couldn’t tell me that. I had no real understanding of what being an adult, really entailed. I thought I could take care of myself, after all, how hard could it really be? I immediately found that I couldn’t even get a job without my parents signature on the work permission slip. Even if I had not needed a permission to work slip, do you really think I could have found a job, at 14 or even 16, that would have paid me enough to live on my own? I had no real skills but I knew it all. Nobody hires “Know It Alls,” simply because they say so, huh? So, what’s a girl to do in a big mean world of big mean people just waiting to take advantage of you?
I thought I was in love. This guy was taking care of me. He had me living with him and he bought my food and so on. Did I practice safe sex? Nope and I never thought “I” would get pregnant. Now, how stupid is that? Girls have been getting pregnant since the dawn of time. It’s a fact, the simple rule of the birds and the bees. I was immature enough to think I was all grown up and knew it all. Yet, I couldn’t even understand the very concept of how, when you have sex, you get pregnant. It’s as elementary as it gets but why didn’t I believe it could or would happen to me? When you get pregnant it changes your life and oh yes Lord, you will have to grow up. But not before you learn it all the hard way. Your childhood is ripped out of your hands and you get what you want; you are all grown up. All the crying in the world won’t change a damn thing either. You can cry because you can’t go out anymore because you now have to stay home with a baby. You can cry because you just flushed your chances of going to college down the crapper, much less graduating high school with the rest of your class. You can cry because your baby won’t stop crying, even though it’s been fed, changed, cuddled and it’s still crying and it’s the middle of the night. What do you do…call Mommy?
So, you do the right thing, you get married to a guy you later realize you never loved, not in the sense of the Prince Charming you dreamed about. You fight all the time because you really didn’t know each other in the first place and you are not really compatible but you stay with him because now, you are pregnant again. Who’s going to give a job to some young girl with a kid and one on the way. You don’t even have your High School diploma because you were pregnant and didn’t graduate. Why won’t they hire you, you know it all? So, you cook and clean and try to be the good little wife and here comes baby #3 and you are happy but you hate your life and you stand there, in front of the mirror and watch in horror as your body gets stretched and distorted. Your pretty breasts are no longer youthful, you are covered in stretch marks and the circles under your eyes betray you.
Mrs. Know It All didn’t sleep again last night. The oldest child is sick with a fever and threw up all over his bedding and it’s the only set of Sesame Street sheets you own for him. So, you put him in your bed, put his sheets in the wash and then he throws up all over your sheets and child #2 just woke up because child #1 is crying because he’s sick. You’re not feeling so good yourself and you just want to cry. Next thing you know, you have two in diapers, you have this pouch that hangs at your stomach and you are standing in front of the mirror and you question, how the hell it all happened. You have stretch marks on your breasts and they just don’t stand up like they used to. You don’t have time to even contemplate it too much cause now baby #3 is crying and needs fed. You go to pick him up and he’s pooped up the back of his chair and you’ll have to clean that before you can put him back down but don’t trip over all the toys on the floor. Those damn Lego’s are the most painful, especially in the middle of the night, when you least expect it. You are so tired after cleaning up, chasing kids, doing laundry, cooking dinner, feeding the kids and you climb into bed, at the end of the night exhausted. The hubby wants to be frisky cause that’s what they do. So, you lay there, tired and feeling half dead and let a man who you really don’t love, make love to you. You just hope he’ll hurry so you can get some sleep.

So, you stand in front of the mirror again, years later and you ask yourself, “What the hell happened?”
Now, you get them all into school and you keep thinking how you want to get out of the house, maybe get a part-time job. They ask you, “Well, Mrs. Know It All, what skills do you possess, besides knowing it all, that will cause me to hire you?”
Nothing is more humbling than when you realize, that even at McDonald’s you have to be trained and that may be the only job I might be given the chance to shine?
Years go by, you feel empty inside. You are tired of your life and you want a change. You leave your husband, take his children and start out on your own. You find yourself in the same stupid mess, needing help. You meet another loser and tell yourself you are in love. He’s abusive but you feel stuck. He cripples you with his abuse and you cry in silence. He drinks and you start just to get on the same page and tolerate him. You try drugs to shut out the noise and they work, so you think. You keep slipping further and further into the lies, just so you don’t have to feel the mess you’ve created by your choices. Now, you’re addicted and those children you love so much become last on your list of important things to take care of. You never stopped loving them but you had more important things to do. You have an addiction to feed, an angry addiction.
You look in the mirror and you see a woman, old before her time. Mrs. Know It All, has track marks on her arms and hates herself so badly that she no longer wants to live. But who wants to waste good heroin on killing yourself? It’s when you don’t have it and you are so sick, that you want to die. You look at yourself, a shell of a person, a waste of skin, waste of life. And you wonder what happened?

Mrs. Know It All then became a number OF6708. She couldn’t look in the mirror from her Prison cell. She might kill herself with the glass. She was so glad she couldn’t see herself but could only imagine just how pathetic she looked. She sure didn’t know it all now. She sure wished she could turn back the hands of time but there’s no such thing. There were no tears left for her to cry as they humbled her with their strip searches and indignities.
What she became aware of, what she did learn was that she had choices all along, from the very beginning. It took a lifetime to learn. It almost took her life.

Choices

You have choices in every single minute of every day. Your story is different but I think you just need some coping skills. If your Mom tells you to do something and you question it, you need to look at why she may be asking you to do that something. You need to talk to her. If the lines of communication are down in your house, build new ones. If you think something is unfair, ask her why she is asking you to do whatever it is, she’s asking. Ask without an attitude and you just might not be met, with an attitude. Remember that your Mom is human, she’s only a woman trying to be your Mom, that ain’t easy. Ask yourself what is she trying to teach you instead of thinking she’s being mean. Write her a letter and explain how you feel and ask her to explain. Never forget what it would like without your Mom, you’ll never have another and you’ll never find the same love a mother has, for her daughter. If things are strained, don’t run, try to work it out. What choices do you have, to make things better? Make the right choice, please?

Yes, Mrs. Know It All was me. My name now, is… Mz.Babs Humbled.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 8:16 AM

Labels: Choices, Coping Skills, Prison, Runaway, Teen Issues, Teen Problems

Words of Ecouragement

Ever felt lost, like you are walking in circles, no direction? Let Aunt Babz, give you a map. Write me, send me your email and we’ll do our damnedest to work through it together. It never hurts to try, right?

You Have To Play To Win

Sunday, April 8, 2007

You Have To Play To Win

This was sent to Aunt B via email…
Dear Aunt B,

What do you do when you love a guy so much and want to only be with him but you don’t trust him enough to be in a relationship with him? I had gotten close to this guy and I love him dearly and he asked me if I can trust him that he’ll do right by me but I just don’t because I barely hear from him because he had problems. What do I do?

Dear Friend,

Really, trust is the only thing we really have in a relationship. It is the foundation, without it, you stand to lose.

You have not stated what he did to cause you to not trust him. In actuality, it could be many things; from something he has done, to your own in general trust issues.

I have been burned. Nothing hurts worse than when you have put all your trust in one person and they throw it all away. If this is the case, where he has hurt you already, I’ll say this;
You hand them a little at a time. If you were burned by him, he’ll have to understand your apprehension. But you must make a choice to give it or walk away. He may be truly sorry for what he did and if he is, it is not fair to not forgive, now is it? Turn the tables and imagine that it was you, who hurt him. You are really sorry but he doesn’t believe you. You try and try, you talk till your blue in the face but he just will not give you his trust again. So, you get fed up, you get defensive because that’s what we do and you finally give up, walk away and tell him to go play with rocks, you are tired of telling him you are sorry. The sad part is that you were sincere, you loved him and you two would have made beautiful music together.

The other side of the scenario, may be your own issues. You may have been in a past relationship and that person burned you. It is all too clear to you that men are dogs, good for nothing and you will not have your heart stomped on again. Now, you’ve built this wall and they’ll be damn hard pressed to even climb over it. They could be the nicest guy, with good intentions but oh hell no, they will not hurt you again. If this is the case, you have to realize that not all guys are dogs and not all are wolves in sheep’s clothing. The third and final play I shall present, is the guy who takes forever to get himself together. You wait in the wings, you’re bound by good intentions but he keeps pussyfootin’ around. He can’t seem to get his act together. There’s always one thing or another. He’s got problem after problem and each and every one, he uses to place a distance between you. He may not even realize he’s doing it but he does it and you are getting tired of it. Rightfully so!

One thing I will point out to you and I suggest you have him read this. Every relationship is carved out of two things; Trust and Communication. Love is a big word, you obviously, do not give it freely? But you say you love him, right? Do you have a love for him, as I don’t see you being, “In Love,” with him and there is a difference. When you are in love, you do not throw that relationship on the back burner. No, it is that relationship, that person that you love, who stands beside you, weathers the storm with you and you work through it together. You trust each others emotions, meaning that you know when the shit hits the fan, that person won’t turn and run. In a true relationship, that person threw on a pair of designer shit goggles and stood there with you, held your hand and did not allow one piece to be flung that they were not willing to wear, right along side of you. When the storm was over and you stood there covered in the remnants, the two of you talked about how hard that was, how much it really stank but you say, “Hey, that was a lot of shit, they flung but we got through it. That wasn’t as bad with you by my side.” Two heads are always better than one, right?

Communicating your thoughts and fears, words of consolation and strength, well that is the cornerstone of the relationship. You may not have had a relationship, if he put you on the back burner in the name of, “Hey, I got problems.” So, you sat there and sat there while he worked it out. Then, he comes back and says, all is well, “let’s dance” and you’ve been sitting so long, you’d finally figured out that it was not a relationship in the first place, really, only an acquaintance, a drive-by affair. I’d be a little pissed and not so willing to just say, “OK, here’s my heart. Next time that shit hits the fan, I’ll expect you to just run and you won’t need me, right?”

If this guy was here right now, I’d just love to watch you tell him , I just will not stand for a drive-by romance, anymore. Either you are in or you are out, stop playing and stop faking the funk. I will not play any more games. Now, here’s a gram of trust, you are not getting the ounce, until I see you will not run and hide with it in your pocket. When I see that this is a relationship and you don’t use YOUR problems against me, then you’ll get an ounce. Once we have a real relationship here and I can trust your emotions as well as you trust mine, you may get more. You do realize that I own a pair of… Dooce Gabbana Shit Goggles? If I never wear them, we are or never have been in a relationship.
If you want my trust, I only give it to those I am in a relationship with. Now, are we in a real relationship or are we just pretending here? Real relationships involve team work and there’s no “I” in team, huh? If you want to do this all on your own, just say so but stop wasting my time.

Finally, handing someone your heart and your trust, is never easy. But it is your heart and your trust, so, you take control of it. You can give a bit at a time but you make it clear that it is reserved for a true relationship. You point out that real relationships are not just for or only when convenient. If he wants convenience, he needs to go down to the local store because that’s not you. You take control and state your needs. If he can’t fill that order, then he needs to go away, find someone who’s an easy target. Once you have stated your needs and made things clear, “Hey, poop or get off the pot here,” tell him, I’m not waiting any longer than I have, you have a problem and it’s not me. It’s him and he’s using his problems to keep from even the slightest commitment. You just have to be on top of the program and not willing to continue. But I encourage you to try to give your trust but use the formula of stating exactly how things should be and you will not tolerate anything less. You wait and you watch for the tell tale signs that he is making excuses, using problems to keep from the smallest commitment.

Trust is never easily given, once you’ve been hurt. But you must learn to trust again. You have to make a conscience effort to never be stupid or not on top of the game, that’s all. You take control of YOUR trust, it belongs to you. Now, start the game over but read him the rules. Put your trust in the pot, in the middle. Tell him, if he wants to earn that trust, it’s so simple; You have to be in the game to win!

After reading my answer, the reader wrote with this further comment…

Dear Aunt B

Thank you for that advice because it taught me some things but I’m still

stuck. The thing is every time I try to tell him how I feel he gets mad and

says I complain too much because he’s not ignoring me, he just has problems

and is too busy. He says he loves me and blah blah blah. I don’t want to talk

to him about my feelings anymore because we always end up fighting. I love

him to death but I don’t want to wait around for him because despite my

feelings for him, the reality is we are just friends and nothing more so I

can’t really expect too much from him. What’s the best way to go about this?

Girlfriend, it’s time to cinch up your Bitch Belt and take control. Let me remind you, that if you do not, you are as stuck as you believe you are, that’s it, that’s all.
You have a right to your feelings, they are yours. He is being insensitive to act or portray your communicating them, as nagging. Are you trying to make more of the relationship than he’s willing to give? If this is the problem, you may have to bow out gracefully but… not before you write down exactly how you feel and give it to him. I don’t like that feeling, that you can’t express, how you feel. This is paramount in any relationship whether it is even, your best friend. Ask yourself this; if he behaves this way, this early in the relationship or friendship or whatever you want to call it, how will he behave if you two do become serious? I mean really, in the first part of any relationship, there is usually a courting period. Somehow, you stepped over that period and waltzed right up to the end of a bad relationship.

Communication is the only thing a couple has and if you already feel stifled, you really need to assess that. It is not a good thing. You begin to shut down, you begin shut up and stuff your emotions. You are already setting into place a very passive stance and he knows it.

If you do decide to take the bull by the horns, I would write him a letter. I would tell him that you feel that you can’t express your emotions and it is not nagging. (I’m sorry but nothing pisses me off more than when I am pouring out true feeling, only to be told I am nagging. I dislike that as much as someone mocking me, it makes my blood boil) You’d better nip it in the bud right now or forever be in that holding pattern. You tell him that you are not willing to be shut down,or be shooed off like a bug, any longer. These are your feelings and if he can not help you work through this, he really has nothing to offer. That last sentence, sums it up, doesn’t it?

At this point in the game, what does he have to offer, other than a half assed relationship? He is only there for you, when and if it is convenient, so it seems? Now, don’t get me wrong, I think you love him for a reason? He must have some good qualities or you’d probably have kicked him to the curb a while ago, right? I want you to ask yourself, what those qualities are and if they are worth fighting for? If they are; write the letter.

What do you stand to lose, if you make your feelings known and take a stance that you won’t be pushed out any longer? I see a pattern of questioning your very relationship; is he just a good friend or are we in a “Couple’s Relationship”? What would it hurt, for you to ask him that same question in your letter? Call his bluff and tell him, if he can’t answer you, you no longer want this semblance of a relationship.

Right now, I think he has you all sewn up in this pretty little package of a girlfriend on demand. If you tolerate and continue to endure this behavior in the name of, “his problems” you will continue to be treated less than, what you deserve and yes, you do deserve better than this. I just so happen to know that you are a timid and caring woman, who sacrifices her own feelings for the sake of others. I want you to stop being a martyr, he does not deserve that and you do not deserve to live your life anything less than happy.

Somehow, I don’t think he is doing this on purpose. No, I think he explains his behavior on having problems. But now he has projected those problems on you by denying you his affection, denying you healthy communique and and a lack of definition concerning your relationship. Every single one of those items, I just mentioned are the cornerstone of any relationship. You don’t have this and it would not sit well with any normal person. Let me also point out that you are a normal person and you have not been unreasonable with him. You have been unreasonable for allowing this to go on.

Write the letter, stating your feelings, matter of fact. Ask him what really defines your relationship, together and let him know, if he can’t give you that, you are going to say good-bye.
This is like letting your dog off the leash; if he’s your dog, he won’t run away, he will know where you stand and loyally stick by your side.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:08 PM    

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Commitment, Earning Trust, Empowerment Practices, Lack of Trust, Personal Relationships, Shit Goggles, Trust Issues

From Smoke to Backdraft

Sunday, April 8, 2007

From Smoke to Backdraft

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I have serious problems! My cousin just showed me
Life As We Know It and Kelly Osbourne’s character is just like me fat but beautiful. When I saw her boyfriend I was thinking “Why can’t I get a guy?!” my school is filled with……….morons! And people always make fun of me! I feel so sad thinking about what I’m missing because a lot of my friends have gf’s and bf’s already but I don’t! I feel like a loser all the time because no one likes me. What should I do?

 

Sad in St.Louis

Dear Sad in St.Louis,

It occurs to me, that this gives me the opportunity to say exactly how I feel about this “Thin vs Fat,” thing. It has raged on for too many years and I think it’s time for us, as women/young woman to stop allowing it and all the crap that goes with it. I have really thought about this and have made a few observations.
To start, you can look at the women, in pictures, many years ago and you will see happy faces of women, I will call “ample.” Back in the day, a man wanted a woman who looked healthy, not some emaciated rail of a girl. All the women, back then, even in to the early 60’s looked a little plump and it was perfectly acceptable. What happened?
I can remember the model, by the name of Twiggy, on the cover of magazines. You may not remember her but she was extremely thin, just like Kate Moss. Well, some group of dumb asses, in the fashion world, thought just how wonderful she was. It must have been a group the world respected because it was then that this war on fat began.

I’d like to meet this group and tell ‘em just how retarded I think they are and here’s a big Bitchslap just for them.

How dare they put American women in such jeopardy? Did they not realize just how sick we’d become trying to emulate these ridiculous Tiny Hinies? To this day, girls are fighting against feeling fat by becoming Anorexic, Bulimic, addicted to drugs, especially Cocaine and Meth. We are even addicted to taking laxatives, just to remain thin and what they perceive as “desirable.” I am not telling you anything that I do not know first hand. I would eat and throw up, I did Coke, I took laxatives, all to look good in those tight ass jeans. It’s not a good way to live, it’s not a good perception of yourself or others and it’s a load of bunk.

At 48, I still have to fight this eating disorder and just enjoy a healthy meal without the guilt I felt when I wanted to eat something naughty. What happens though is a delusional outlook on what is the supposed norm as to how a young woman should look. It is a hard habit to break.
Just once, I’d like to get in the face of these men, who came up with this extremely dumb idea of what a woman should look like. We’re killing ourselves for that cause and I think it’s time to Stop. But, but, but it’s got to be the women, who say, “We’ve had enough of this monstrosity of perception. You will accept us as God intended us to be. No, if ands or Big Butts about it!”
How many women go under the knife to have big boobs and so on, to please who…men? We abuse our feet putting them into pointed toed shoes, wear stiletto heels and end up with bunions. I know, I have them and it was from years of trying to look sexy in my three piece suit or short skirts and heels. But you see, I did this, huh? No one held a gun to my head and said you will be skinny and wear stilettos and an underwire bra so your boobs will look perky? When we fought for equal rights in the workplace, the right to vote and all the crap we insisted on, we walked away without negotiating the “real deal”.

The way it should be, is that a woman can dress sensibly, maintain a reasonable weight and be accepted for who she is and get paid for the job if she can do it. If a woman can’t pull a firehouse up the stairs of a burning building, she should not be paid the same wage as the guy who can. But if she can do it or gaff/climb that pole and hang that telephone wire or install fiber optics or whatever, she should be paid for it. But this all comes back to us, as women. We have to begin to insist that we are treated well, accepted as we are and throw these damn delusions right out the window. It starts…one woman at a time.
We can have this if we want it. What will men do, stop marrying us? Man can not survive without woman and vise versa. The world would not stop, if we insist we will not live this way any longer. In fact, we’d all be happier.

This is not about all that but I am laying the ground work for you to begin to look at yourself differently. Life is all perspective, is it not? It is all about how we see each other but more importantly, how we view ourselves. If you look in the mirror and see ugly, that is what you will continue to see and in turn this is how you will carry yourself; as an ugly person. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but…how you present yourself, how you carry yourself, how you feel about yourself, will and I repeat will make the impact, good or bad, as to peoples perception of you.

Some people live a charmed life. Some of us have to work at it a little harder. Personally, I had to work on it. My Mom looked like Raquel Welch and my little Sister is beautiful too. I felt like the cold bologna in the middle of that sandwich. I never really felt pretty much less beautiful but I was rather assertive, bordering aggressive. I have always got the guy I wanted and often wondered how I did it? Many men asked me out, many asked for my hand in marriage. How’d I do it?

You have to start by looking in the mirror and asking yourself, really what do you see? If you are honest with yourself, write down what you see, on a physical realm. Then, again look in that mirror and write down what you see about yourself on a personality aspect. Now, you can have a, 100 things on that paper and you can be wrong about yourself a 100 times. Be realistic and look for your good qualities. OK, so maybe you don’t like your eyebrows? Well whatever it is, you do the best with what you have. Fix what you can. Improve the improvable and move on. Let me point out that this is surface stuff and it’s not by any means, the important stuff.

Did you know that Kelly Osbourne wears one of Aunt B’s Bitch Belt’s? Oh yes she does and wears it well, proudly. I am telling you to put one on, right now and then we’ll move to the next part of this.

Kelly Osbourne is not what some people would perceive as a model, now is she? Neither am I and somehow, I believe you are not either. So, what is Kelly’s secret? Is it her money? Maybe? Is it her family? Maybe?

I happen to believe I know Kelly’s secret…She’s Assertive!

Kelly wears that Bitch Belt. She gets up in the morning, as I want you to and she puts it on. Then, she goes out, in style, holds her head up, come what may.

My own Granddaughter, Jessie, is just about a dead ringer for Kelly. She acts just like her and when she walks into a room, people notice her. Why…because she shines. Jessie was so cute when she was little. As she grew up, she was not or rather did not have the best behavior. She was a bully there for a minute, she was into drugs and drinking, she was messing up. She was and is a lot like her Grandma. But now, Jessie wears a Bitch Belt. She treats people like she wants to be treated and will not allow anybody to treat her any less than she deserves to be treated. She insists on it and she will also call you on it, if you are trying to do anything less than what is right.

See, it all starts with your own values and beliefs. You have to believe that you are valuable and you are. You can and will have an impact in this life. How do I know this? I will not tell how but take my word on it, it’s our secret. Furthermore, I want you to begin to keep yourself in check. By this, I mean, that you will begin to be honest with yourself. OK, so you don’t have the perfect figure? So what, what’s the perfect figure, huh? Don’t aspire to be anybody but you and be happy being you. Do the best with what you were given. Keep or hold yourself to a higher standard. Why? Because you are a special young lady, I just feel it. Now, let me remind you that I am not about giving lip service and telling you what I think you want to hear. If I don’t feel it, I just don’t say it. I think you are in that awkward stage between a girl and becoming a woman. A rite of passage is becoming comfortable in your own skin. You will never be anybody but you and why would you want to? You need to be realistic and have an acceptance of yourself and your own self worth. All this will begin that rite of passage. Do the best with what you have, be honest with yourself, don’t take any shit, don’t give any shit, be assertive, communicate and state your needs. But most of all realize your own self worth; this will be the turning point. Darlin’, you are going places, mark my words. If you incorporate all this, people will begin to see you differently and you will shine. See, right now, you are just an ember. The good stuff that is YOU is there but someone or something told you that you are just smoke. What they didn’t realize is that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. That fire has to start somewhere. It will start when you begin to take a stand and accept nothing less than the very best for yourself because you are worth it. This might seem like a bunch of bullshit but I will guarantee, this will work if you are willing to make it second nature within your own psyche. You have to believe it. You don’t know me from a can of paint but I am telling you that I see a powerful young lady, an ember ready to surprise all with a Backdraft!

To answer you the best way I know how, all things will fall into place; boyfriends, friends and life in general, once you read this, put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt and begin to appreciate yourself for who you really are. You have my guarantee!

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:15 AM    

Labels: Aunt B’s Bitch Belt, Eating Disorder, Empowerment Practices, Self-Esteem Issues, Teen Issues

Truth Goggles

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Truth Goggles

This was sent to Aunt B via email

I really do not know what to do. I feel like I am losing all of my friends. My friend Bailey is making up lies about me and saying that I told her she can’t hang out with my best friend anymore and no one believes me that I didn’t say that. I swear over all that I believe in that I would never do something like that. Now I am losing my best friend, a girl that doesn’t even talk to me hates me, and all my other friends think I am a b*tch. I desperately need advice on how to get people to believe me. It’s not like a lie a lot because I hate liars, but for some reason no one will believe me. Plus, if they “really aren’t true friends” then I have nothing else. I really need to know what to do.

~Sarah

Hello Sarah,

People can be so nasty, huh? This is fixable but it starts within you, first!

They are behaving immaturely and you may have to come back with pointing this out. It will make them think about their initial statement and fact that it is in fact; immature? See, any time, you know something or a behavior, comment or statement is hurtful and plain, down right immature, the way to point it out is to simply ask the offending person, “Hey, don’t you think you are acting pretty immature?” Now, their initial reaction may not be a pleasant one and they may put up defensive walls, taking a defensive stance. But I guarantee, they will think about it and their own behavior. Nobody likes to be told they’re acting like a baby but it will make them question their own actions and behaviors and the validity of the matter at hand. But Sarah, it will be an empty statement if it comes from you and you are not standing with the conviction of truth. Let me explain…

All through your life, you will be met with this type of behavior. This may not be the first time and I am quite sure it will not be the last time, you have to defend yourself from malicious rumor, innuendo or straight out lies. Unfortunately, not everybody has the same moral standards and will lie through their teeth. You will also encounter, those that love to stir the nasty mix. They live for chaos and they get power from making others cringe or back down from them and drama is their middle name. It’s hard to understand people like that but this world is full of them. But let me point out something, a key trait in most of these personality types; they usually have their own self-esteem issues. Your classic bully usually has a low self-esteem and uses fear and loathing to make them feel powerful and important. They have a need for validation, they have that need to make you fear them, even if it’s only with their words. Of course you’ll always have those that are jealous of your friendships and will do what they can to destroy it and make you feel crappy. This may be their motive and reason for acting like buttheads. I want you to rise above it, ok?

Those that matter, aren’t mean and those that are mean, don’t matter.

You’ll have many friends throughout your life. Some will be your very best friends but when friendship is tested by the strain of everyday life, you will soon see who is the true friend and who is not. A true friend is family that you hand pick. True friendship, just like family, has unconditional love for you. They are able to see the good and bad and accept you for you, who you really are. The ones that can not do this really don’t mean crap. Were these people, really good friends or just associates, people you know?

First, you must understand true friendship before you can be a good friend, before you will really have a true friend. So, how do you do this?

I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself what do you see? A self-assessment should be done often. If you can do this and always strive to be a better person, you are growing. Don’t get me wrong, I do not aspire, personally to be a saint but I do aspire to be a better person. I do not live to hurt people. I do not live to get over on others. I ask myself, “Well, would I want to be my own friend?”
If you answered yes, to your own question, then I want you to start by being your own friend and be honest with yourself; What are your good qualities? Are you loyal? Are you there when a friend needs you? Do you unselfishly give from your heart, your time and attention in a friendship? Do you listen? Are you able to share a friend with another friend or do you get jealous when your friend gives more time and attention to that other friend?

At the beginning of this post, I said, “This is fixable but it starts within you, first!”

It starts with how you perceive yourself and then how you perceive others. You know you were being honest and that is all that matters. If you are pushed in the corner over this again, you hold your head up, tell them that you told the truth but since they want to play stupid childish games, you don’t really care what they think. Every morning when you leave your house, you put on your “Truth Goggles” and walk out the door. Those Truth Goggles will enable you to see through the transparent people who try to bully you into feeling bad. You’ll see them for what they really are; insecure drama queens. Those goggles will help you see just how bad their self-esteem is so they have to start trouble so they can own “YOUR” power. Take it back, don’t let them see you upset in the least by any of this. If you act as if you could care less what they think, they sure can’t bother you and they’ll see what a waste of time it really is. People that bully are not really mean, they are really mixed up, pretending to be mean. They figured out somewhere along the line that if they act, say or behave a certain way, they will get attention that their normal character wouldn’t get. In other words, they are just average Joe, humdrum, insecure people, craving attention. Another maneuver they will try, is exactly what they did to you; they will try to make you look bad, that way people are too busy looking at you and your supposed faults rather than looking at the person who started the whole mess. They are the one who is actually desperate for some form of friendship and she is just trying to make you look bad so she looks good. Put those truth goggles on and see them for the real people they are. Once you begin to see this sort of thing, you begin to take your power back and people will come to the conclusion that they shouldn’t waste their time messing with you, it just won’t work. You hold your head up and be assertive when they come at you with this lame stuff and you tell them that it’s exactly that; LAME! Once you have done this and institute the attitude that you’d rather be friendless for the rest of your entire life than have back biting, back stabbing drama queen immature friends, you just don’t need it, you will see the difference. What is the worst thing that can happen out of all this; you find new friends that are real. Don’t you back down or feel guilty about this anymore. Stop defending yourself and worrying about these girls who really are not real friends. Do without their friendship for now. They will come around if they are true friends and if they are not, you’ll be better off without them to start a bunch of garbage. Now, I know how important friendships can be. But do as I said, be true to yourself first, see people as they really are and take back your power. You will see the Empowerment in this once you begin to see things as they really are. Read this and re-read this till it is ingrained; you are a good friend and you do not have time for anyone who is not able to be a good friend. You do not have time for liars, bullies or drama queens. Be good to yourself and say to yourself; I will not tolerate this anymore. I am a good person, a good friend and I DO NOT NEED their kind of friendship. It’s not real friendship and it’s surely not real. It doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter, they don’t matter. As soon as you are done reading this…put those Truth Goggles on. Sorry, you’ll see they are not rose colored glasses but…
they sure are powerful, huh?

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 9:20 AM    

Labels: Bullying, Empowerment Practices, Self-Esteem Issues, Teen Problems, Truth Goggles

Suicide

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Suicide

Good-Bye Sweetheart, Know That You Were Loved!

Chris is dead and I have to live. How do I do that? How do I heal from the blow that holds my heart hostage? What can I learn from this? Why did it happen?

I met Chris the day I walked into my new job. I was the new General Manager for The Bagel Factory, the largest Wholesale/Retail Bakery/Bread Market and Restaurant in the Pittsburgh, Pa. area. We provided bread, bagels, pastries, cakes, pies, cookies, deli meat and salads to every major Institution in the area.

I had my hands full, I knew this and the proving ground was very apparent. The last Manager had been a man and had been accepted in his position. It was not going to be as easy for me and I knew it or rather, I could feel it.

The building was divided in half. The front was a working restaurant and retail business and the back was a working bakery. Unique in every way, this place was like no other. The front of the store had stone tiles, the back cement floors. It was real clear, that things changed when you crossed that line, from stone to cement. I would later to refer to it as, “The Land of Swinging Dicks.” You could smell the testosterone, the minute you walked into the back. On any given day, you had upwards of 15-30 guys working day and into the night, baking, packing and then delivering. It was hot and sweaty back there and likened to a construction site with equipment going, moving and often extremely hot. With two rotary ovens and a vat to boil bagels, it was an inferno. When I first started there, I had come in pressed in my crisp all black uniform, nice shoes, hair and make-up, trying to fit the part of a manager of such a large Corporation. Eventually, after having muffin goo, flour, and the likes smeared on my clothes, after about breaking my toe off on racks and racks of huge baking pans and such, I evolved into a black jeans, black t-shirt, steel toed boot wearing woman. I held my own but I had to earn it. The first week I was there, they’d given me a week to last. They had assessed me, just like every man or woman that came in there. They especially loved to critique the girls, as I would hear later and yes, it too sounded like a construction site complete with the graphic images, talk of sexual encounters, who was hot and who was not. I found out a long time after, that they’d assessed me as a “Bitch,” from day one. I laughed so hard when I first heard that. Little did they know, I knew I had to earn their respect and did not ever believe it would just be handed to me? I was a bit intimidated as every single guy back there was big and mean, rough and tumble. But I’d danced with bigger; it was just a matter of remembering the steps and how to maneuver. I do remember, after the first day, waking up the next morning and thinking that my life super sucked and I sure didn’t want to go to work. My boss, the owner was an asshole. I was on Parole he knew it and he used it against me. He paid me less, than previous managers and he knew I wasn’t allowed to just quit my job. There were times to come, where he got me so mad that he knew his life was in jeopardy. Just a look was often sufficient to make him realize that he knew and I knew, I could take him down.
He used my good work ethic against me, along with my Parole status. But I took pride in the fact that I got up at 4am, opened the store at 5am and worked till 2-3pm, every day but Tuesdays. Quite often, I would be called in on my day off but he made it clear it was all part of the job. I worked side by side with all 19-25 of my employees, my crew and bakers and would never ask them to do anything I had not done or was not willing to do, including my dishwashers.
The first week of my employment, was the first real test. I was told by my boss to go in the back and find out when something would be done. We had a rush on something for Westin Hotel and things were in a holding pattern. So, I went to the back, which at this point in time, I truly loathed and I approached Walt. Now Walt was a big bald black man who lived in the worst part of the city, he was hardcore to the bone and he looked even meaner. I swallowed real hard, stepped up to Walt and asked, “Hey Walt, how long before Westin is done?” He spun around and barked down my throat that I’d get it when it was done. I think I was covered in spit from the harsh verbal beat down, wiped my face and told him that Big D was asking. “Tell that mf’er, he’ll get it when it’s done.” I said “OK,” and walked away. I tried to go back to what I was doing but mentally, I was seething. I tried to shake it off but it just began to build, my ears were red and burning, a trademark tell tale of my anger. I gave instruction to my crew and informed my boss I was going to go smoke. He must’ve known and simply told me not to explode with a half cocked smile. I virtually ran down the back stairs to the area we smoked, outside the garage that housed the delivery trucks. I went around the first truck and stumbled right into Walt. “Damn,” I thought to myself, this is the last person I want to see right now. I looked him right in the eye and walked past him and lit my cigarette. My mind was racing and I was about to burst. “Grab that black bull by the horns.” I turned and walked over to Walt. “Look here, I’m only going to say this once. I am the Manager of this store and you will respect me.” He said, “You ain’t my boss, Bill’s my boss.” Bill was the Bakery Supervisor and had been with the Company for 12 years. He was a good-looking Indian with long dark hair he kept in a ponytail. He was very much a weight lifter, as were most of the guys and he bulged out of his white uniform. Bill did have Seniority and Bill was sure not my favorite person at the time. But I had to work in cooperation with him, even if he made things a bit curt.
I took another deep breath and stepped up to bat. “Walt, look here. I have a job to do, just as you do. You will see that I am damn good at what I do. You will also see that I respect a hardworking man. I respect your skill, your job and you. I know how fuckin’ hot it is back there and I know how hard you guys work. Now, I have to fight to get my job done and I don’t like that. I am the Manager of this entire store and I have a lot on my plate. As I said, I respect you and your craft, I see how hard you work and you are damn good at what you do. I could sure use your cooperation here. You don’t have to respect me or even like me but we can’t do this right if we don’t cooperate, right?” He shook his head yes in agreement. I extended my hand, inviting him to shake on it. He took my hand and we firmly shook and he smiled. He said, “You just earned my respect, girl.” I smiled, nodded and we went back to work.
Each and every guy there tried to push my buttons at one point or another but Walt must have relayed my message or taken it all back to the Land of Swinging Dicks. Things were a bit different from that day on. Then, I had it out with another one of the bakers. I had noticed this guy from day one. Clearly, he was the biggest guy there and he threw 50 lb bags of flour around like I would sling my purse over my shoulder, just that easy. I watched him walk erect with his big neck and bulging muscles. He wasn’t real easy on the eyes and I could tell he was a simple man. I also watched as he’d lost his temper and picked up a 800 lb. machine and drop it when it didn’t cooperate. It didn’t take long to realize that there were 3 of us on Parole and he was one of them. He’d been released in the end of March and the first week in April, he began to work at the Bagel Factory. I’d been out for close to a year and had begun to work at another one of the Company locations before coming to the same location, at the end of April. Somehow though, they had accepted him readily and he even had an air of, “I’ve worked here so much longer than you.”
I came to know Chris the hard way. He looked intimidating, was intimidating and I knew that he was ordered to Anger Management by Parole. So, the day that I had to step to Chris and assert that he was not going to behave the way he had, was not on my list of favorite things to do. One particular day, one of my girls, a crew member and very delicate college student had gone back to grab pastry from a locker. She was in a hurry filling an order. She had moved three pastry racks to get to the locker and had been chewed out by Chris when she’d not put the racks back. As she walked away from him, he slammed the racks back into place, scaring the living crap out of this girl and yelled at her. She’d come back to the front, nearly in tears and ashen white. that was all I needed to start the battle and I dropped what I was doing, gave my boss a dirty look when he tried to stop me and headed back to where Chris stood. “We can do this here in front of God and everybody or we can go downstairs but I want to talk to you.” He slammed the switch to one of the machines off and followed me down the steps. I could just about feel his breath on my neck and it was not my favorite moment in time. I faced him, standing there, hands on his hips, condescending look on his face. I smiled rather sardonically and simply told him he would “never ever do that to one of MY girls again. You scared the shit outa this little girl and I won’t have it. You got a problem with my people you WILL come to me, you hear me Mister?” He kind of stuttered an “OK” but stated that “your girls need to be mindful to put things back the way they find it.” I told him that I would train my people to respect your work area from that minute on but if he had a problem he HAD to come to me about it and not take it up with that person. He agreed, we shook hands and he smiled. His demeanor had changed and he was no longer this big scary guy. As we walked upstairs, we were met with gazes from all the men, I smiled and they looked at me as if they just knew, I had taken the Bull by the Horns. Bill the Head Baker, smiled coyly and went back to twirling his Danish, a trademark way he did the pastry dough.
As the months went by, Chris became very friendly and was always pulling pranks on me or acting stupid in an attempt to make me smile. Our walk-in freezer and refrigerator were right there by his work station. I was rarely able to go in there without some sort of assault by bagel dough and he’d often act like he had to get something out of there at the same time I did. He’d come in there, hands covered in flour wanting to be playful when I was always in a rush. One particular day, I was furiously looking for something, moving large buckets and jars and he whipped a noodle from a bucket I had just opened. It stuck to my lip and we both fell over laughing. He almost kissed me but I ran from it and I was actually on a mission of some sort and in a hurry. I knew something was brewing between us.

I was about to move, in the first week of November 2004 and had no help. I didn’t have much but had moved where I was, in a small one room spot, via taxi cab, the year before. Since then, I’d accumulated more stuff. Chris walked by me as I was telling my boss that I needed that next Saturday off and he offered to help me. He had an idea to borrow one of the Company trucks and showed up with it, Saturday morning. It was awkward but we moved box after box and decided to take a quick break. As we sat there talking, me with coffee, Chris drank a can of Pepsi, I listened to him but I was thinking about the fact that I had not had a date or even been with a man since 1998 when I was sent to jail and a stipulation of my Probation was to not have any contact with my ex-husband, Sonny. I noted in my mind, how girlish I felt around Chris. I was listening to him talk but I was really seeing him for the first time and I was smiling. We got up to get back to work and I was trying to pick up something that was pretty heavy. He came up behind me and was moving me out of the way but kind of picked me up and I felt his strong arms around me. He kissed my neck, sending chills up my spine, an old spark I’d thought was dead, was suddenly ignited and my embers were slowly burning for this guy. Most of what happened next has become blurry but he carried me to my bed, one I’d not shared with another in so many years and neither had he. We made love, we had wild monkey sex and I fell for this big Gorilla who chewed Skoal. We both had curfews but every waking minute, we were together when we could be. We worked together and of course, I often had to distance myself as he still wanted to come onto the walk-in and carry on. When I was at work, I had a job to do and I had to let him know that it was not professional for me to misbehave at work. He understood but that didn’t stop him from grabbing a peck on the lips or a quick flour covered hug. More than once, I had floury hand prints on my butt, betraying my professional exterior.
Chris made me smile, he made me laugh and he did and went the distance to make me happy. He worked a different shift than me, sometimes and I’d come home from work and he’d have dinner ready or he’d bought me a plant, knowing how much I love them. We went shopping, out to eat, to the movies and we were in love. He was 9 years younger than me and I was a bit self conscience about it but he always made me feel better about it. He said it didn’t matter. He knew I had Hep C but didn’t care, he just loved me.
As our relationship evolved, I would get more out of Chris and realized he had an awful childhood. I had to pry most of it out of him but I wanted to know things. Playfully, I had called him Christopher and he had then emphatically asked me to never call him that. It took some time but I found out that his own mother had called him that along with all the foster mothers when he was in trouble and he was always in trouble. His own Mother had thrown him out of a second story window, when he was two breaking both of his hips. He was then placed into foster care. He had been beaten, burned, tortured, molested and deprived in foster care. They wondered why he was so angry as he went from foster home to foster home.
As he grew older, he became a real problem for most families as he fought at every opportunity. He had become a force to be reckoned with and as he got out of hand as a teen, they put him in a program for young men. He set sail on a Schooner that taught them a work ethic, discipline and Chris seemed to thrive. Once he turned 18, he joined the military. In boot camp, he suffered a Heat Stroke and was in a coma for 4 days. He’d broken a record though and came out of the coma filled with pride. It had affected his brain though, maybe slowed things down a bit. He went on to Desert Storm, came out, married, started a logging business and was doing well. He was drinking quite a bit but would always come home to his wife, sometimes bloody from a bar fight. She had older daughters and they had started another family together when they had children together. Things were going well in his business but his marriage was falling apart. Something happened, something real bad. Chris denied, what he had been charged with. To this day, I do not know if it was true but whatever happened changed his life and he was paying for it dearly, inside and out.

He was released after 5 years of incarceration and was ordered into treatment. He completed treatment and we discussed it all. He cried as he told me that he had to admit to his crime in front of the whole group and talk about it. You had to discuss it to graduate the program. I knew he was tormented by whatever had happened, if he did it or not. As we talked, I studied him for any indication that it was true. I knew something was there; it was as real as the scars on his entire body from the brutality he had endured.
I chose to see Chris, then, not as in past tense or to judge his past. I knew he carried a lot of dirty baggage. There were some unexplained behaviors but when you are in love, as we were, it is blind, deaf, dumb, crippled and crazy. All along, he made me smile and brought me happiness, so I overlooked stuff and hopefully, he’d do the same for me. I had my own crap, my own nasty baggage. I found that I was trying to fix Chris, right along with myself and my own life. I was having such a hard time at work. I was tired of being taken advantage of and equally tired of hearing myself bitch about it. I was working 60+ hours a week and becoming weary at the constant improprieties of a less than honest boss. Big D was a small man with money, who took pleasure in making you feel less than himself.
Chris and I had been going along well and were serious, very much in love. We were planning, when I got off Parole in November of 2005 that I would move in with him. He was renting a house from Bill, his Supervisor and was trying to fix it up. He was having a hard time paying for it all and welcomed the day when we could pool our resources and split the bills. I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with this man.
Then, I got the offer…

My little Sister listened to me bitchin’ and moaning about it all. Recently divorced, she was about to move into a new home, along with my nephew, in a really nice neighborhood. It was not far from where she currently lived on Long Island. My nephew is Autistic and of course has special needs. All this going on, divorce, moving, dealing with a child with special needs and working as a single Mom, she was also offered a higher position in her company. It would mean a large raise but would require travel. She asked me, if I would want to come to Long Island? Her new house had an Apartment just for me; she was having the new carpet installed that day. She said she’d help me get my license back which ended up costing $2,500+ and she’d buy me a car. I could help her with her son and even get a part-time job just for the sake of getting out, while my nephew was at school. I could begin my book and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t feel as bad as I did. My health was declining and I was so tired, so very tired and weary.

Torn

We were virtually inseparable. When we weren’t working, we spent every moment together we could. We both had curfews, so we did the best we could under the circumstance. When you are on Parole, you are not supposed to associate with other felons, short of a treatment setting. We’d even gone to Parole and asked permission to be together. They agreed but on one of my monthly visits, my Parole Agent had taken me aside and asked me if I knew about his crime? I told him that I did, in a way but felt it was not all truth. He stated that he could not tell me either way but he warned me to be cautious, “Chris has some anger problems. If he acts weird or you feel threatened in any way, you call us.” I agreed and stated that Chris did not scare me, in the least. We’d had a few fights where he was pretty pissed off but he never ever made me feel threatened.

Before my Sister had made me the offer of moving, I’d gone to a few places, on my day off, seeking employment. I wanted out of my job badly. I’d never worked for an owner who stirred so much shit. This guy just loved to throw a wrench in the works, at every turn. Big D had done everything he could to piss me off to the point that I’d even told him that we needed to go outside. I had every bit of confidence that I could whip his ass and hoped he’d follow me outside. He was an evil little man and he was sucking the very life force out of me.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize, just how big my Company was or how much influence he held in that town. Every prospect of employment was met with, “Well, we’d love to have you in our business but it would clearly be a conflict and would stress our client relationship.” We literally had every Institution, in that town, in our pocket. Every major University, Hospital, Annex, Restaurant and College were a client of ours, we had the town sewn up. I quickly gave up, I guess to save embarrassment, save face. I’d just suck it up and fight for my rights. I was also extremely loyal to my crew. I could not envision leaving that job. I had rounded out the rough edges, trained every employee in there and business was booming.

When Big D wanted to schlep things, I called him on it. I fought for my crew on a daily basis and felt I was the buffer between them and that nasty, mean man. He was famous for yelling at people in front of everybody, customers had witnessed this on more than a half dozen occasions. I had gone to him, ready to quit and made it clear that I would never tolerate him yelling at me, much less my crew. Things would be handled in a dignified manner and if he had a problem, he needed to bring it to me and I would deal with it. I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving my people in his employee, at his mercy. So, I kept sucking it up, pulled my boots back on and went into work, just trying to make a difference. Now, I was tired. I was tired of fighting, tired of hating my boss, tired of pretending everything was ok. It all played on my mind. My Sister’s offer began to look better and better.

It was a hot and nasty summer and the air conditioning in the restaurant was not working. Sweat rolled into my eyes, it felt like my eye lashes were melting every time I stepped into the back of the bakery. I had two deli cases that were on the fritz and they stunk like something had died. I was running so hard, even Bill told me to slow down. I kept all my keys, store keys, safe keys, etc., on a ring on my belt. He laughed and said, “Barb, I’m kinda tired of hearing your keys clanging back and forth, 90mph. Slow the hell down.” He just didn’t understand, yet he knew all too well, I had no time to be lax, hell I didn’t have time to pee. He went back to making his Pecan Rolls and I went straight to Big D, stood there looking at him. He wasn’t even sweating, as he sat there in his usual spot, in the chair beside the cash register. He looked up at me and knew from the look on my face, that I was pissed. “I have told you, time and time again to get somebody in here to fix these problems. Now, don’t tell me they are coming. That’s what you said two weeks ago. Just like you told me my Slicer would be fixed and you’ve called the people. There are metal flakes from the blade, going onto the meat. My deli case is rotting, we are sweating our asses off here.” He stood up and acted like he was feeling the vent, positioned right beside him. “I think it’s working ok.” I made a choice, right then, that he was an unreasonable SOB and there was no point trying to talk to him reasonably. I went home that night and typed of a letter of resignation, giving him two weeks notice.

I have three sons but Steve should have been my 4^th. He even looked like he belonged in my family. Steve was an art student at the Pittsburgh Art Institute and worked for me, mostly part-time, he was my Assistant Manager. I spoke to him about what was going on behind the scenes with me. I hadn’t turned in the Resignation Letter but I set into play a training plan so Steve could step up in my capacity, when I was gone. There were so many little things that I just did, every day and I wanted to pass it on, to make his life easier. I knew the boss would be passing off a lot of work on him and I wanted it to be familiar and easier on him. I also swore him to secrecy. I wanted to talk to Chris about it. I was really cowardly about it and kept putting it off.

As summer began to wind down, Chris could feel something was wrong. I can see now that I had so many opportunities to tell him but I just couldn’t do it. He would ask me what was wrong, had he done something? I would always tell him no, everything was fine, I was just tired. He was steady working on the house, readying it for when I moved in. He’d ask me, where I wanted this or that, what color, he was putting in new kitchen cabinets, carpet. He even told me that he was cleaning out a spare room, just for me, for an office. “If you want, I can get a big bay window, so you can look out when you write.” He was so good to me, yet so messy and a million other things, I told myself, things that were wrong with him. I was looking for fault, talking myself out of our relationship. If you look for fault, you will find it. It was a survival instinct that had kicked in. I felt I had to do this move but I never meant for him to be the casualty.

I continued to weigh out my options. I’d left home at 14, when my Sister was just little. I’d done a lot of dirt and had been written off by my family, countless times. I really wanted to help my Sister and get to know her all over again. I wanted her to be successful. I wanted to get out of that job. I wanted to write my book. I wanted to get my license back. I wanted a new car. I wanted a new start. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted. But I never wanted to hurt Chris. He was a good guy. He was the kind of guy who found happiness by making me happy. He found joy by making me smile. I woke and turned off all emotion. It was a cool, crisp Friday morning as I walked to work, resignation letter in hand. My mind was dead set on doing this. People were going to be hurt; things were going to get ugly.

Walking On Broken Glass

I laid the letter in its envelope, on Big D’s desk. I watched, out of the corner of my eye, as he read it and placed it back in its envelope. Part of me loved that moment and part of me hated it.

It took him a couple of hours but as I walked by, he spoke to me quietly and asked me, why, what, wasn’t I happy there? I had rehearsed this moment a million times but I stated that I was sick and was going to go live with my sister. She had offered me a really good job and I was going to take it. He then asked me if I had told Chris. I shook my head and told him no but I was going to tell him that afternoon. Every Friday, Chris worked in the evening, packing pastry and such, readying it all for the drivers to deliver. He always killed time at my house, would be there when I got home from work and we’d spend time together before he went off to work. I’d tell him then and hope for the best. Big D specifically asked me not to say anything till Sunday afternoon. He told me that the next two days were big and he needed Chris on his game. He didn’t want him upset and he knew Chris had Sunday and Monday off. He figured it would be better for me to tell him then, he’d have time to work through it and not mess up his work. Friday afternoon, Chris and I had an argument and to this day, I can’t remember what it was. He went to work pissed. Big D had called Chris at work that night to add to an order he was filling. He must have sensed that Chris was mad about something. He then asked him what was wrong and Chris told him nothing curtly. Big D then said, “Is it because Barb is leaving?” He told him all about it.

I was at my computer when Chris walked in the door with tears, angry tears in his eyes. He fell to his knees in front of me asking me how I could have not told him. He felt betrayed, rightfully so and finding all this out from Big D was a blow beyond blows. Through his tears he told me that he’d been working that extra job for two reasons; He was trying to fix things up for when I moved in. Then, he told me that he knew how badly I felt about moving in with him and how it might upset my family, the fact that we were living together. He said he had made the 4^th payment on a ring for me and was going to take me down to the Justice of the Peace and marry me. He said, “Did you hear me? I never ever wanted to marry anyone. I married before because she got pregnant and I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to marry you and only you.” He crumpled and sobbed and I felt like the biggest piece of shit a person could possibly feel like. I apologized, I cried for us both. Then he said he didn’t want to live anymore. Everything he had ever loved was always taken from him. This was the first time he could ever remember being happy, in his entire life and it was all walking out the door. What did he do wrong? What could he do to be better? It was then that I started lying. I told him I was doing this for us. I’d go and write the book, help my sister, send for him or I’d come back after she was settled. As I looked into his eyes, I knew the truth and that wasn’t it. But I couldn’t stand to see this hulk of a man reduced to rubble. He didn’t deserve it. I held him close and reassured him that everything was gonna be ok. I loved him that was the truth; it was the rest that I was lying through my teeth about. I’m not a martyr but at that very moment, leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. I felt I should have been burned at the stake. He stood and said he knew what he had to do and I felt he was going to kill himself. I half heartedly didn’t believe him and thought he was being dramatic. I told him to stop, we were going to be alright, we’d get our shit together, and it would just take some time. He didn’t kill himself, he went back to work. But I know he died inside, right then and there, it just took longer.

Fallen

He gathered himself and offered to help me load the truck. He didn’t have much in his house and I gave him most of my stuff. I’d just bought a new couch, air conditioner and dining room set. I gave it to him as if that would right the wrong.

I’d walked off the job after Big D had done his damnedest to make me miserable. I never mentioned what he had done by telling Chris, I didn’t want to give him that satisfaction but after he made a nasty statement about “Well, you’re going to be gone, so you’ll do it my way, “ when it wasn’t even a rational thing to ask, I clocked out and told him he could do it himself. The weight was lifted when I walked out that door but I still had a shit storm to deal with and really didn’t feel good about anything. Nothing made sense.

On the morning of November 13^th, I kissed him good-bye and set out for N.Y. We talked on the phone for months after that but I never saw him again.

He began his descent into hell about six months after I’d left. He was testing positive for Crack Cocaine and after 12 dirty urines, they threw him in a half-way house, the last resort before going back to prison. He was ordered to 90 days which ended up becoming 4 months and I’d not talked to him at all. When I did speak with him, it was not a good conversation. In my mind, it just helped me distance myself from him. Another month or so went by and he called me again. He’d changed, I could sense it. He was broken but argumentative about stupid stuff. That conversation ended badly, too. I could feel the distance between us and I’d realized that we’d grown apart.

I have so many pictures of Chris, in my picture folders and I kept coming across them. I almost deleted them but something stopped me. When I wasn’t happy here, I sought Chris, in my mind, there. I contemplated what things could’ve been, I thought about it a lot. He kept running through my mind, just three weeks ago. I again had stumbled upon his picture. I studied it and felt the pain, that burning desire for things to be like they were. I looked into his eyes and I saw only emptiness, even in his photo.

Another couple of weeks went by and I had this feeling like I needed to talk to Chris. I wanted to come clean, patch things up and try to make it right. I wanted to tell him that I did love him and always will. I wanted to tell him that he had meant so much to me and he was the last person I’d wanted to hurt. I wanted to tell him that he deserved better than me. I wanted to tell him it was all gonna be alright. I wanted to say that he’d done nothing wrong, that he’d been a good man to me. I wanted to tell him to be happy and that I’d hoped he could find happiness. I wanted to tell him that he’d made me smile and he’d brought joy to my life. I wanted to tell him that I could look around my house and see things he’d given me and that ever time I saw them, I thought of him and the fact that I’d felt loved. I wanted to tell him that it was not true that he meant so little to me that I could just throw it all away. I wanted him to know I was only trying to do the right thing. I wanted to tell him I was so sorry. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.

I couldn’t find his cell phone number, where was it, Jesus where was it? My phone number had changed since we’d changed carriers; I knew he couldn’t call me. I put it off till the next day and thought about calling Bill at the Bagel Factory. I put that off too because to get to Bill, I’d have to go through Big D. My pride wouldn’t allow it. My stupid pride wouldn’t let me.

It Is Done

I was so glad to get the email from Steve. It had been a while since I’d heard from him. In between school graduation and finding a job, things had become a bit lean for Steve and his wife Rita. The telephone was off as well as his internet and I’d not heard from Steve in a few months. It was short and sweet. The email simply said; “Call me Babs, it’s important. The phone number is the same.”

I was so happy to hear from him and figured he’d tell me about some powerhouse job he’s got. I never saw it coming. He said, “Uh, Big D wanted to call you but I said I would. Barb, Chris hung himself last week.”

Oh God, how I wish…

 

Fallen

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
You’ll slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:44 PM    

Labels: Suicide

Just Feel It!

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Just Feel It

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hello Aunt B

Please can you give me a little guidance in a problem I am having.

I went out with a guy two years back, we broke it off just before Christmas, then last year October he gets in contact with me again. Then he doesn’t contact me again until this year march.

He tells me that he made a big mistake moving, and that all the girls he has been seeing did’nt have what we have. I am no fool, but am I kidding myself in waiting, he is busy studying, and he got a job near to were he is studying. I don’t know if this is a good enough excuse.

Thank you for your time.

 

DANIELLE

Dear Danielle,
I can see why you might be a bit apprehensive. I might be wondering about it all and his motives, myself? I mean, what’s he up to and why now? I don’t know how far away he is from you or how feasible it is for you guys to start up a relationship. You know him better than anyone and you may have to go with you gut instincts on this one, ok? I believe that our spirit talks to us, we just have to listen. I can look back through all these years and see where I made my biggest mistakes. I am also able to see that I often turned off that, “small, still voice,” of reason. I can remember, before any big decision, even in small ones, where if it was the right thing to do, I would feel good. When it wasn’t right, I was usually queasy, sick to my stomach. You have to learn to listen to that small still voice.

So, after all this time, he wants to come waltzing back into your life, just like he never left? I think, truly, you have always been in the back of his mind. You made an impact on him and he can’t forget about you. For some reason, his small, still voice, makes him think of you and how good he had it. Danielle, now think about this…how many women are there in the world? How many women could have crossed his path? How many choices has he had? I’m sure there are women, where he lives, huh? But he keeps coming back to you, even in his mind, doesn’t he?

I am now living without regret but I can and have looked back at my life, often and wondered how my life would have been if I had done this or that or gone with this guy or married that man. I’ve been engaged more than a half dozen times and it was always me that broke it off by my actions or I just sabotaged myself, talked myself out of it or in my case, something bad happened. These were guys with money and a bouquet full of love for me but I shut them out. I analyzed it too much, I talked myself out of it and I sure did shut out my small, still voice of reason, “The Spirit.” I can see this, all these years later. Here I am looking back at my life and I do wonder, well what if?

I have the feeling that you should think about this. I also believe there is no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. Things happen for a reason, within the dynamics of our destiny. Once you begin to live this way, where you believe and adopt this premise, you begin to see that, every single person you meet in life, has been artfully placed there…for a reason. Everything that happens to you, all that you go through, all the trials and tribulations, ups and downs, they are all for a reason. We are tested daily and people are placed in our lives for whatever reason, well you will see this. It may be to learn from that person. Once we go through a certain thing and we learn from it, we move on to something else but we are handed another piece to “Our” puzzle. The more pieces we get, the more we can see the “Big Picture,” that puzzle which is our lives. This is the coolest thing you’ll ever learn, remember it. It is the key to your future, the answer to all lives holds for you. Once you begin to breathe this in, you begin to see things differently.

We all go through uncomfortable things, some of us more than others. I happened to have been one of the “Schooled.” Some people just float through life, unaffected, unjaded, unjilted and often live on Easy Street, huh? Not me! I have lived enough for three people and I have been through enough that it often tried to take me down. If I died tomorrow, I could say that I have lived. Where I had no empathy, I was taught empathy. Where I had no understanding, I was taught understanding. When I was not humble, I was made to be humbled. I now possess a PhD in life and living. Why? Because I finally began to learn from things and my mistakes. When I went to Prison I learned that people go in and they come out one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. I was blessed but why is that? It’s because I was able to allow the process to school me, to humble a very proud woman and I chose to learn from all my self-will run riot. I prayed for wisdom to understand an awful situation, an awful life and He gave it to me. So, now I can look back in Retrospect and I can see clearly when I did and when I didn’t listen to that instinct, that small still voice. I tell you all this, not to talk about myself but so you may relate a few things;

1. Things happen for a reason
2. People are placed in our lives for a reason
3. Everything we live and breath is for a reason
4. All trials and tribulations are for a reason

What pieces of your puzzle, have been handed to you? Is this guy another puzzle piece because he was placed in your life for a reason and you in his. You now have to ask yourself WHY? Ask yourself, how this fits into what or where you should be? Think about the fact that he keeps coming back into your life. That is for a reason too. I think you have something to learn from him and he from you. You are on his mind and that is for a reason.

Finally, it may not be easy for you both and you may never get back the same relationship you had before he left. One thing in life is certain and that is change. You’ve changed, as well, so has he. I think you should consider this, if you really care. He thinks about you or he would not have called. You are ingrained upon his heart, he feels it. Most of all, truly, what is the best we can expect from life? It is to be loved. To love and to be loved, is the sweetest and most wonderful thing you will ever know. Don’t look at it, flip it over and look for fault. Just feel it and let your Spirit do the talking.
Now Listen!

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:39 AM    

Labels: Intuition, Personal Relationships, Small Still Voice, The Big Picture, The Puzzle, Young Love

Sex Is Not For Fools

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Sex Is Not For Fools

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I had a male friend and I really liked him. But this weekend he started dating a 14 year old that was my sisters friend. It’s not really the idea that he is dating. At age 16 is it inappropriate to date a 14 year old when in 6 months he’s gonna be 17 and she just turned 14 not too long ago? The situation gets worse though my friend called him because he wouldn’t call me back. When he called me back he said your friend needs to shut her mouth or I’m gonna shut it for her. When I tried to apologize he hung up on me. My problem was I liked him a lot and I was going to ask him out. I also work with him and I don’t know how I’m gonna face him without getting angry. Should I try to fix the problem calm and rationally or should I just let it go? I really wanna be friends with him again but I don’t even think he wants to speak to me again. I’m open to any suggestions thank you so much for your time.

~~~

I can not give an opinion on the first part of your question, concerning the 14 year ol female and the 16+ male and their relationship. Laws vary from state to state, concerning Sexual Consent, which you can check here.
We have laws instated but the margin for error is far too wide. Dating a minor, if you are 16 as opposed to have a sexual relationship, are two different things. If your 14 year old friend was my daughter, I would have to look closely at the situation and this fella before I could even consider the whole scenario. Even though we think we are adult at 14 and it is hard to convince that 14 year old otherwise, the ramifications and consequence factor is huge. Sex is or can be life altering behavior and having sex at that age is just that, life altering. Somehow, when we are that age, we don’t realize just how responsible you have to be. Hell, I didn’t realize it. I thought if I got pregnant, oh well, I want a baby, something to love and love me back and the thought just didn’t scare me. What a fool I was. I got pregnant at 16 and it changed my life. I still, was only capable of thinking, “Hey, this can’t be so bad, ” until a real live baby was presented to me. The many sleepless nights, my baby crying and I had done everything to comfort the child, were awful. I watched as everybody else my age, went out to parties and to the beach, school functions and so on, with out me. I no longer had anything in common with all my girl friends, as they were still dating and going to all the things I could no longer go to. I loved my baby but I suppose I had some resentment. I did this to myself because I had the dumb idea that I was ready for sex and all the responsibility that goes hand in hand in a relationship. Even when you are old enough, having the Law on your side with Sexual Consenting adults, doesn’t mean you are mature enough to take on all or come what may. I have to wonder if I was even mature enough in my early 30’s for children? Don’t be a Dumbass like I was, ok? Having sex is not for fools, now is it?

Now, in this day and age, you have to consider some extremely serious sexually transmitted diseases, on top of the baby making factor. Every time you have sex with a stranger/a person for the first time, you are taking your life into your own hands. You are sleeping with whomever they slept with, if they are infected. The scary part is the fact that they may not “LOOK” infected. Even having safe sex is not fool proof, only abstinence. And the worst part about dating in todays world is that dating is no longer just that, it often turns sexual very quick. We have lost a lot of values since I was a kid. I was just as guilty though and just as much a dumbass as the rest of the girls who got pregnant. I also have Hep C and I never thought all that would happen to lil’ ol’ me?
So to make a long story short; Only her parents can make that decision and depending on the laws in your state, that would determine if it is lawfully wrong. I don’t like it but I’m no her Mom.

Concerning YOUR relationship with this guy, I have the distinct feeling you should stay away from him. I know you said that you work with him, so you may have to see him but I would just keep your distance. You could send him a note, apologizing but keep away. If he is or was ever interested, by giving him that leeway, you are not creating a bad situation or escalating things. If you write him a note, make it short and sweet. Simply tell him that you want to be friends vs. enemies and you never meant to anger him. You are sorry that your friend upset him but she meant no harm. I’m not real fond of how he reacted, especially telling you that he would shut her up. Even if it is a figure of speech, why did he act out so harshly? I think it may be with an ulterior motive and he may have had his eye on this other girl. It’s an attempt to make you feel like crap, when he was the one doing the dirt. Take a look at that and why he was so mean about it. Then, I want you to ask yourself, is this the kind of guy, you want to really get to know? I am not implying that he was up to no good, I am asking you if it’s possible that he didn’t call you back for a reason?
Finally, if he is interested in you, by giving him an apology letter, if there is any possibility there, concerning the two of you hooking up, he will accept your apology and begin to look at you differently. If he stays with the 14 year old, after all that, then I just have the feeling that you are better off without him. Because your letter is a bit vague, this is the only way I can see it. I hope things work out for you and I wish you the very best!

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:17 AM    

Labels: Sexual Consent Laws, Teen Issues, Teen Problems

Stop Riding That Viscious Cycle

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Riding That Vicious Cycle

Dear Agony Aunt of Mines,

As all of your letters start I shall begin with the same:

The time you’ve took to read this letter I cannot give back to you, nor do

I have something of any interest to give in return, or anything I can do

for a reply but say that a stranger is sitting on the other side of the

world in a room by himself, at 01:30 in the morning writing a letter;

looking for help.

I’ll begin back in Scotland just over three years ago after finishing

University I went through a stage of mild depression (self diagnosis).

since a young age I had worked towards my current status as a qualified

Kayaking instructor, qualified abseiling instructor, British European and

World champion bagpipe player, loads of friends, I was in great physical

shape as well. I even applied to get in to the Royal Air Force (RAF)…I

had it all going for me.

Then all of a sudden, something changed. First the bagpipes kinda lost

interest when I was teaching (I just put it down to, I’d conquered the

tournaments and the challenge had disappeared), I thought it was just

because I’d gotten so far and wasn’t going to get any better…so I quit.

Soon after gradually the kayaking and the outdoor side of me lost its

interest too. Over a period of a year my whole social outlook in life

faded. Mood swings and loss of a steady sleeping pattern became apparent

over time too.

I had nothing. No hobbies like I used to, to career aspect and the pilots

training I decided wasn’t for me, and soon enough I wasn’t quite the

muscular person I used to be… I was in a rut just like I am now. I even

got myself into a little debt trying out new things to put that spark

back into my life, with no avail. Time passed and somehow Kevin (who was

a distant friend at the time) invited me over to Denmark. 3 years later I’m

still trying to fill the gap that was my life before I lost interest in

everything. As it stands now; I’m (slightly) overweight, I have a shit

job. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over 4 years because I’m boring and I

know it. And I have 40,000 kroner debt. (4000GBP)

The saddest part to the whole thing, is if even if I fight all my short

term problems: get rid of the debt, get into good shape again, etc etc…

I have nothing to look forward to, nothing.

I want nothing, I have no interest in any job aspect, and I’ve even given

up on trying to find a girl/girlfriend. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in

a rut, a big deep rut.

So I ask of you, what’s the secret to putting the spark back into life when

You’ve tried everything you liked/wanted for and lost it all? When there’s

no light at the end of the tunnel and something inside you asks why isn’t

it there? Please help me.

 

Well Darlin’, you’ve captured my heart with the Bagpipes. I love them and for me, they hold a rich sense of history. My family is Irish/Scot and I am Indian. My heart is held by the sound of bagpipes.

From what I gather, you are an extremist. You are the kind of guy who lives on the edge, jumps out of airplanes, lives for the adrenaline. If you are not doing something extreme, you don’t feel alive. It sounds like you’ve maxed out though, huh?

My initial reaction is that you are battling depression. This coupled with your lack of sleep can cause a significant change in your complete make-up and how you view your life, your love and things in general. This situation seems a bit complex. I would suggest counseling but somehow, I have the impression, that you are not the “Going to Counseling” type? Since I believe this is the case, all I have to offer is a bit of perspective.

Depression is a tricky bugger. It’s like a Spanner, peeking in on your life and it can hold you hostage. You then sit there and wonder just how the hell it got in?(Take this test, from the post prior to this)

Let me offer a couple of suggestions here; Sleep is so important, get it, do it, make it. If you don’t want to take sleeping pills from your Doctor, you can get some Benadryl, OTC.
The key ingredient in Tylenol PM is Diphenhydramine HCl, which is also the generic name for Benadryl’s ingredients. In other words, you can buy a generic form and look for the active ingredient, “Diphenhydramine.” This may get you back in that sleep loop. You may begin to feel better, even from a good nights sleep.

Now, there’s no data to support this, that I have found but I have a theory about,
“Extreme Behaviorists.” I am an extremist myself and so is my ex-husband. It can actually be, somewhat of an addiction. You live for the thrill, of your behavior and once you become an extremist, it’s understandably hard, to break old habits. Some people, who are extremists, create chaos in their life, when they are not, “On the edge.” They may become argumentative, just for the sake, of the chaos it brings. Once you’ve behaved in an extreme manner, it’s hard to find consolation, with the mundane. It seems dull and unrewarding. Believe it or not, the data and text, concerning addiction, shows similar behaviors. Once you’ve “jazzed up” your life with drugs, when you are not high, things just don’t catch your interest. Now, I am not implying, that you and a drug addict, are one and the same, let me make that clear. You did not even mention any form of addiction, or the lot. I simply point this out because you may benefit from some of the Recovery tricks and tweaks. If you research it and some of the advice from professionals, you’d find that the key, to overcoming addiction, is in making yourself aware of some of your own quirks and behaviors. They use an example or acronym referred to as, “H.A.L.T.,”which stands for, *Hungry…Angry…Lonely…Tired
it encourages us not to become too:
HUNGRY: When we dislike ourselves, we neglect and deprive our bodies of the balanced diet we need.
Food is a source of nurturing. Our bodies are ours to keep and care for so that we may understand
and carry out God’s will for us. When our bodies cry for attention, we no longer have time
for the spiritual program necessary for recovery.
ANGRY: When we choose not to deal with a situation immediately, there is a possibility that those feelings we are afraid to express will become resentments that we may later use as an excuse to drink or use drugs.
LONELY: When we believe that we are either better or worse than other people, we dig ourselves into a
hole of self-pity, feeling unique in our differences. We soon begin to feel the loneliness of such
isolation, and we tell ourselves that it is a good reason to drink or use drugs.
TIRED: When we can’t make sense out of anything and life overwhelms us, it is possible we have run
ourselves into a screeching HALT. We have filled our lives with so many activities that we have no
time for reflection.

I do not imply this acronym, to you in a sense of addiction to drugs but an addiction to extreme behavior.
Sex is another issue or situation, that can become humdrum, if you are used to pornography, fetish, S & M and the likes. I say this for perspective but if you have been doing a lot of kinky stuff, on a continual basis, going back to the missionary style, may seem boring. Do you see the correlation, I am making here? If we do things, all through life in an extreme manner, it’s sure as hell not going to get you excited to sit on the couch, is it? On the other hand, I think what has happened, is you topped out. You burnt your candles at both ends, did it all, per say and feel there’s nothing left. But is this really true? Is there nothing left?

I think you burned out and then fell into depression. Depression will cause sleep problems. It’s a vicious cycle and one feeds off the other. But I think you know this, right? So, we need to find a way to climb out and put things into perspective, correct?

To start, let’s look at things realistically. You are now older, this is a fact. I don’t know your age but I’d be willing to bet, you are having a hard time getting older. We don’t have to let go of dreams and desires, as we grow older but we often have to modify them. In your 30’s, no matter what you do, you may never be that spry, spunky monkey you were in your 20’s. But you can keep in shape. My first suggestion is to start to work out again. I don’t mean go hog wild but a moderate amount of exercise is going to make a man, like you, feel better. Once you begin to feel better about yourself, you will begin to “wear” that persona on the inside and out. Right now, you don’t feel good about you but I can tell at some point you were a man to be reckoned with. You can get that edge back and begin to feel better, by getting out and working out again. When you were in better shape, you felt better about yourself and how you looked. Start a little every day, walking and build up your exercise regimen. I guarantee, you will begin to feel better.

Complacency Breeds Complacency

You have not done it all, let me point this out. You need to challenge yourself and start with the exercise. Rome was not built in one day, so you need to start somewhere, right? Start by looking in the mirror. You obviously are not happy with you. It’s clear to me, that you are very hard, on yourself. It’s even clearer, that there’s a reason, you feel the need to “Perform.” A man is not measured by his feats but by how good-hearted he is. Your systems, values and beliefs need to be put under a microscope. I want you to realize that you were only doing yourself harm, if you believed, that a man, is only respected, by how hard he is, body and mind. I respect your feelings of wanting to be the very best, let me make that known. But there comes a time, when you have to realize that you do not have to win constantly and you sure don’t have to be the best at everything, to be respected. It’s commendable, to be good, at all the things you have done but I want you to begin to be good at just being you. Relax your thinking a little and your assessment of your own self-worth. I think you are really tired of trying so hard, just to be you. Maybe it’s time to re-invent yourself?
Someone you respect, taught you that you have to excel and win. These are really good qualities, if you know where the cut off point is, where you can relax. You gave up, instead of just relaxing some of your beliefs and then you became disgusted with yourself. You need a half-way point here.

1. Start with getting a good nights sleep. This plays a huge role in how we perceive all things and how we feel. Some people are proud of the fact that they don’t sleep. They’re usually cranky bastards too! So, get some sleep on a regular basis.
2. Begin to exercise, even if it’s to go to the park and walk. You may not remember how good it feels to work up a sweat but I’m willing to bet that once you do, you’ll feel refreshed.
3. Relax and stop holding yourself to such high expectations. Enjoy life and go with the flow. You’ll begin to breathe differently.
4. Just be you, not the Lion after the prey, on guard and ready to pounce. When you feel that anxiety, like you need to be doing something extreme and feeling guilty because you are not doing it, put on your favorite music and just relax.
5. Stop believing that you have to live an extreme lifestyle to measure up.

I think once you implement these 5 things, you’ll stop that vicious cycle that’s got you hobbled. Each thing will fall into place and when you begin to feel better, you’ll look better. As we get older, we must often accept that our body does not cooperate as it once did. This you must come to terms with and accept. You can however get comfortable in your own skin. I encourage you not to be so superficial and accept you for who you are. Begin to love yourself again and in turn, you’ll be able to love another. Did you realize that you may be putting off negative energy, that people, specifically women can sense? Who wants to go out with a ball of bad energy? Stop it and start just being you. Become aware of this possibility and you will see the difference if you change it. Oh, and stop being such a perfectionist. I can feel it. Now, just do it!

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:25 PM    

Labels: Complacency, Depression, Depression Test, Extreme Behaviors, H.A.L.T., Help, Loving Yourself, Self, Vicious Cycle

Grab A Star

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Grab A Star

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi ya,
I’m 18 and don’t have a job at the moment and it gets me down a lot
because I cant go out and see my mate. I have to rely on my Mum and I’m really
bored of day time t.v but theres a big problem because I know I need a job but
I just can’t get up out of bed and look for one please help. why is it I know
what I have to do but just won’t. Why?

~~~

Hey Sweetie, One side of me wants to put a foot in your butt, just I’ve had to with my own sons. But the other wants to hug you and tell you, it’s gonna be alright. I just so have happened to see depression, up close and personal. I think this may be part of your issue? Your letter is too vague for any real assessment but I can give you some perspective.

Don’t think for one minute that I do not understand, ok? I’ve been so depressed and full of anxiety that I was virtually paralyzed. I have been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Battered Woman’s Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Did I mention my addictions? I am a mess but I have grown and so will you.

Sometimes our lives feel as if we have no control, no hope and no future. It’s sure easy to fall into the trappings of a situation, our lives, just not what we’d hoped for. It can be disappointing, huh? But here you are, at the start of your life and you are spinning in one spot. Let’s look at the possibilities, ok?

It may be Depression and I have given you some tests, definitions and links at the bottom of this post. If you are depressed, you may not be able to climb out alone. I would seek counseling, two heads are better than one, right? You may very well have a legitimate need for medication. Depression can run in families. My own family has been touched by it. My husband, I and my children, all have varying degrees. Before my husband died, I didn’t know about depression, not really. My husband was very depressed, most of the time. I would get extremely angry with him and thought he just needs to get off his lazy ass and do something. I had no idea just how devastating it can be. I think, a lot of the population has no understanding of depression and they can certainly be cold and calloused about those that don’t fit into the mold that Society dictates as how a normal citizen should behave. You understand what I mean? They expect everybody to be able to go to school, and then go to work 9 to 5, raise a family and be productive. There’s not much tolerance if you do not adhere to their plans for success in citizenry.
If you have a form of depression, medication may help you, as well as therapy. But let me point this out to you…having depression gives you no license to sit in your own crap and not do anything about it. If you see that you have a problem, seek help. It will not come to you, right? Make a phone call to your Human Services, Mental Health Services or even a Hotline. They may and will steer you where you need to go.
I believe you know something is not right or you’d not have written, huh?

Perspective

Self-esteem, may very well be another issue? I am more than aware of how difficult it can be to leave your home, go to a job interview and wait to be, figuratively kicked in the teeth. The mere thought of being rejected by a potential Employer, can be paralyzing, huh? I’d bet you are sitting there and you sabotage yourself? You are telling yourself, that no one wants to hire you? Well, with that attitude, you have to ask yourself, if you’d hire you, right? Stop it!

Every single person has something to offer to society, every single person. Now, we need to hone in on your strengths and look at your weaknesses in a positive way.
First, look at what you have to offer an employer. Don’t tell me nothing either!

Homework

I would love to see you list your good qualities, on paper. Are you good with people? Are you good with computers? Are you good at…and so on? What are your good qualities? You have not told me if you have any job experience or if you are skilled in anything? But let’s assume you have no skills or past job experience, ok?

First and foremost, you must have realistic goals. You can not expect to Manage or be a CEO overnight. You’ll have to find an entry level job. You are 18 years old and it’s quite possible that you want the world and you want it now. You may also have to humble yourself and take a job that you are not especially fond of. Once you get out there and begin to work, at anything, you will find that you begin to feel better. Then, you want more and you dream bigger. It’s not fact but it seems to me that when it’s hard to find a job, once you get out there, more jobs pop up. It’s an unwritten rule that I’ve seen myself. I’ve worked so many jobs that were rather unpleasant but I always began to feel better once I was out in the work force and productive. I can just about guarantee, that if you follow this strategy, you will begin to feel better. In turn, you will be out there and more apt to hear of better jobs. I’m telling you, to go out and find a crap job, that’s not too challenging. You will feel better about yourself and when you see that you are actually capable of more, you then look for better. Remember, the jobs will not look for you, you must look for them.

Another thing I want you to think about and envision is an actual interview. How will you conduct yourself? What will you wear? If you are trying to get any job, you should try to dress the part. In other words, let’s say you want to work as a nurses aid, you would wear white. If it’s a business office, you’d want to wear a suit. But if you are going for an average job, you at least wear a collared shirt, if male and if you are a woman, you’d best wear a dress or nice pants suit. You have to match your clothing to what you want to obtain and perspective employers will be able to envision you fitting in. Even if you would try for a job in fast food, i.e. McDonalds, you would at least wear a clean Polo shirt and slacks. You don’t want to over dress but look clean cut.

The next thing I want you to envision is this; if you go for a job interview and they do not hire you, most likely you will never see them again. What is the worst thing that can happen; they tell you that you are not suited for the position? Would that kill you or crush you? Don’t allow the element of the unknown to hold you in the grips of fear. But if you start off realistically and within the scope of your training, skills or even lack of both and try for a job, just about anybody could get, there’s little chance of rejection. And as I stated before, after you’ve been out there and you feel better about yourself and your personal self-worth, you step it up a notch and shoot for a better job. If you have no skills, then you pay attention and learn that particular job, the one you are in. See, you may be able to take that experience and apply it to the next job. Life skills are often the best skills to obtain and as long as you have a good work ethic, you can’t go wrong. A good work ethic means that whatever job you do, you do it the best job possible. You take pride in this and being on time. You don’t work hard at getting out of work. You work smart and you won’t have to work as hard. Invest your time in honing whatever it is you will do and do it well. It doesn’t matter if you are a garbage/rubbish collector, you be the best damn collector/sanitation worker you can be.

I think you just need a good dose of perspective. I think you may be expecting that your life should be all together and planned right here, right now. But for some of us, it just doesn’t work that way. Some of us are not handed college or a family business. Some of us have to work hard and get our hands dirty. We can’t all be the beautiful people now can we? I am not in the scope of the beautiful people either and I have worked since I was 14 years old. I take pride in the fact, that I arrive at work on time, I don’t call in sick, faking an illness to get out of work and I don’t spend my time making it look like I’m working, trying to get over. I can look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I believe you can do this too. Stop trying to reach the moon and just grab one of the million stars. Be good at whatever it is you do and remember that every body doesn’t get everything handed to them on a silver platter. Hell no, mine was handed to me on a paper plate and I do the best I can with it.

You have to start somewhere and you have to crawl before you can walk. Start crawling, get out there, next thing you know, you’ll be flying!

Here’s an NYU, Depression Test Click Here

Here’s another Test Click Here

Depression

Many men/women don’t recognize depression symptoms. Depression is a complex matter. In recent years, with burgeoning research progress, we are finding out that depression is much more common than many of us thought. At least 15% (and likely more) of men/women take an antidepressant during their lifetime. Depression is much more common in women than in men, but the reason for this female predominance is unclear.

Besides the fact that woman suffer from depression more often than do men, women often think they can “work through” a depression on their own. They may misunderstand the low risk associated with medication treatment of depression, or else they believe that because they are intelligent hard-working people a counselor or psychologist will be of no help. These mistaken beliefs are, unfortunately, common. Medications for depression may sometimes have annoying side effects, such as agitation, insomnia, or drowsiness, but serious reactions are extremely unusual. Women with a true depression are suffering. Such bothersome, non-life threatening side effects, which may lessen soon anyway, are likely to be much more tolerable than untreated depression for many women. Time and again, studies have shown that either counseling or medication therapy, or optimally both together, are extremely effective in safely relieving depression in both women and men.
Learn about treatments for depression »

Top Searched Depression Terms:
symptoms, teenage depression, postpartum depression, depression test, signs, types, bipolar depression, suicide
Doctor to Patient

What is a depressive disorder?

Depressive disorders have been with man since the beginning of recorded history. In the Bible, King David, as well as Job, suffered from this affliction. Hippocrates referred to depression as melancholia, which literally means black bile. Black bile, along with blood, phlegm, and yellow bile were the four humors (fluids) that accounted for the basic medical physiology of that time. Depression has been portrayed in literature and the arts for hundreds of years, but what do we mean today when we refer to a depressive disorder? In the nineteenth century, depression was seen as an inherited weakness of temperament. In the first half of the twentieth century, Freud linked the development (pathogenesis) of depression to guilt and conflict. John Cheever, the author and a modern sufferer of depressive disorder, wrote of conflict and experiences with his parents as influencing his development of depression.

In the 1950’s and 60’s, depression was divided into two types, endogenous and neurotic. Endogenous means that the depression comes from within the body, perhaps of genetic origin, or comes out of nowhere. Neurotic or reactive depression has a clear environmental precipitating factor, such as the death of a spouse, or other significant loss, such as the loss of a job. In the 1970’s and 80’s, the focus of attention shifted from the cause of depression to its effects on the afflicted people. That is to say, whatever the cause in a particular case, what are the symptoms and impaired functions that experts can agree make up a depressive disorder? Although there is some argument even today (as in all branches of medicines), most experts agree that:

1. A depressive disorder is a syndrome (group of symptoms) that reflects a sad mood exceeding normal sadness or grief. More specifically, the sadness of depression is characterized by a greater intensity and duration and by more severe symptoms and functional disabilities than is normal.
2. Depression symptoms are characterized not only by negative thoughts, moods, and behaviors, but also by specific changes in bodily functions (e.g., eating, sleeping, and sexual activity). The functional changes are often called neurovegetative signs.
3. Certain people with depressive disorder, especially bipolar depression (manic depression), seem to have an inherited vulnerability to this condition.
4. Depressive disorders are a huge public health problem.

* In 1990, depression cost the United States 43 billion dollars in both direct costs, which are the treatment costs, and indirect costs, such as lost productivity and absenteeism.

* In a major medical study, depression caused significant problems in the functioning of those affected more often than did arthritis, hypertension, chronic lung disease, and diabetes, and in two categories of problems, as often as coronary artery disease.

* Depression can increase the risks for developing coronary artery disease, HIV, asthma, and some other medical illnesses. Furthermore, it can increase the morbidity (illness) and mortality (death) from these conditions.

5. Depression is usually first identified in a primary care setting, not in a mental health practitioner’s office. Moreover, it often assumes various disguises, which causes depression to be frequently under-diagnosed.
6. In spite of clear research evidence and clinical guidelines regarding therapy, depression is often under-treated. Hopefully, this situation can change for the better.
7. For full recovery from a mood disorder, regardless of whether there is a precipitating factor or it seems to come out of the blue, treatments with medications and/or electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and psychotherapy are often necessary.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:43 AM    

Labels: Depression, How to get a Job, Job Persona, Jobs, Perspective, Realistic Goals, Teen Problems, Work Ethics

Stand Up; You Are A Diamond

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Stand Up, You Are A Diamond

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

My problem is a little confusing so please bear with me. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, two days before Valentines. We were high school sweethearts, and even started to plan our wedding. When we broke up, I tried to get him back in all the wrong ways. I called constantly, wrote a letter, and went over to his dorm when he didn’t want to see me. He told me that I was too dependent of him, and that I was choking him. And that he didn’t want me to e-mail, call him ever again. He had to force me out of his dorm room.

Now, my boyfriend Cody… ex-boyfriend… is under-taking a challenging major. In his department the professors, and the other students don’t take him seriously. So everyday is like he feels like he has to prove himself, and the stress got to be too much. Not only in his school work but also in our relationship. Cody bottles up stress, and I just happened to be the one he took it out on. If Cody isn’t in the Art building, he’s either working his job from 5:30-8:30 every night, or in his dorm. He’s been known to stay up until 5 in the morning working on his projects. With my dependency I pushed him over the edge. It was like I was stretching a rubber band and it finally snapped. Don’t get me wrong… Cody is not a violent person. He just does not know how to manage his stress.The last time I tried to see him he told me he didn’t want me to call him, or e-mail him or anything.

It still hurt like heck but it took me almost a week-straight of crying to finally get to the bottom of my problem of why I was so dependent on him. I was raped and molested at age 6, and it continued for 3 years. I never got help with the issue. I believe this may have been the cause on why I was so dependent on him. I lived in denial for 14 years of my life thinking that it never happened, and during that time I constantly beat myself up about it thinking that I was ugly, stupid, and that I wasn’t good enough, or worthy enough for anyone to love me. No one knew about my rape except my close friends; and I actually didn’t tell my mom until recently. It didn’t matter if someone told me I was stupid, or ugly, because I already thought about myself like that. I convinced myself that I was. Now, I’ve started going to therapy, gotten involved in a church group, and I am finally feeling good about myself for the first time. I’m finally seeing what Cody saw in me all this time. This break-up has really allowed me to put myself and what happened to me in perspective. I can say that I don’t regret the break-up because honestly I don’t think I would have ever dealt with this issue. But still I miss him very much.

My therapist told me that all I had been doing coincided with the behavioral symptoms for something called “Rape Trauma Syndrome”. I’ve done some research on my own, and I have about 7 of the behavioral symptoms including: dependency in relationships, living in denial, feeling not worthy, and believing that you won’t have much of a future, and that you won’t live long. He said that I didn’t really know what I was doing because I was trying to in a sense “survive”. Knowing all this has lifted such a weight off of me. One Sunday night, Cody called me after he saw me in Church to tell me that he forgave me, and that he just wanted to be friends. I’ve somewhat accepted this concept of being “friends” with him only because I know that I don’t want to infringe on his personal space again. I do still want to continue our relationship because I am crazy about him. But I know I must take care of myself first, at the same time I don’t want to loose him for good.

Our relationship was never perfect. We had our good times, and our bad but we still managed to stick together and make the most of our time together. We were an incredible team, and we talked about the future often. When life at home was less then perfect, Cody would listen to all my problems, and I him. We were a great comfort to each other, and brought each other up. In high school, I was probably more centered on him then anything else. My parents would tell me that I had to get out more with friends but I didn’t listen. But I honestly didn’t think that I had much of a future so I didn’t try very hard in school. I pushed back the thought of my rape all those years, and actually tried to convince myself that it never even happened.

I told Cody what had happened to me after we had been dating almost a year. He told me it wasn’t my fault what had happened to me, and honestly I didn’t believe him even though Cody was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, that I was smart, and that I was loved. I thought it was amazing that someone could care so much about a girl like me. It was easier to believe all these things when Cody and I were in the same room. But when I was alone at night in my room I would go back to telling myself I wasn’t good enough. But I am. Now, I am starting to see all that and more in me. I really feel like someone has breathed oxygen into my lungs again. I feel wonderful. I’m finally beginning to love myself. I’m 20 now, and I can’t believe that I survived this long… but I did!

I really feel that I’ve grown a lot in the past months, both emotionally, and spiritually. Even Cody’s roommate Daniel commented that I seem to be a totally different person. And honestly I don’t even feel like that scared, wounded little girl anymore. I AM a new woman!

I honestly feel that Cody is the man for me. There is still chemistry between us, and I know there are possibilities that there are other guys out there, but I really can’t think of myself being with anyone else. I know I must take care of myself before testing our relationship again. And I do believe that once I get myself together, and heal more that our relationship will be so much more then it was before. I know that I want to tell Cody all that I’ve learned about myself in the past months of us breaking up. And I want to do this purely as his friend. I don’t want to insinuate a relationship with him and I’m afraid thats what he’ll be thinking if I try to talk to him. I’m not ready for that and neither is he.

So finally, Aunt B, my question: The next break coming up is Easter break. I know he will be home, and I am planning to go back and stay with a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a while that lives in the same town. I think that during break would be a good time to talk to him but I am really not sure. My cat is buried in his front yard and I was planning on planting flowers for her, and see if Cody would help me, and then possibly try and talk to him afterward. But I don’t want him to feel trapped. I’ve overstepped my boundaries once and he forgave me for doing all those things, but I absolutely do not want to do that again. How can I talk to him without him feeling like I’m forcing myself on him again? I know that whatever happens Cody will need time and space and I am so willing to give him both. But how will I know when he is ready for us to continue our relationship? Is it something I’ll just know? My therapist said something about I had been chasing Cody all this time, and that if I actually stop going after him he might go after me. But I still feel like I personally need to tell him all I’ve learned.

Thank you for taking time to read this! Any advice you can tell me will be great!

Signed,

A******

Dear A******,

Well Sweetie, you’ve been through it. The best thing you ever did was to get into counseling. I do believe with the right counselor and a willingness to change, all things can happen. A good counselor does not hand you the answers. I see them playing “Devil’s Advocate” and helping you pull the answers out. Sometimes though, there are no answers and you have to rebuild the person that was broken down and learn coping skills. It seems to me, that you are doing this.
The variables are different, case to case, person to person but I can identify with every point you made. I was raped at least 3 times. It takes away an innocence but after being betrayed by your rapist, you begin a habit of distrust. The world is not an easy place but then you throw in a brew of being violated, especially on a continual basis and you have conjured up a vat of many emotions. You will often feel that people have an underhanded motive to their flattery and in life in general.
Rape of any kind is and can be so harmful. But when a child is raped, it can change the way they view life forever. It is a heinous crime to the highest power. I can only hope that my good friend Mz. Karma Bitchslap pays a visit to your rapist and if it’s any consolation, they might get away with it in this life but I have to believe they will pay. I’m banking on retribution. In the meantime we must also be aware that anger kills. Keeping emotions, hurt, shame and that nasty ol’ anger, can and will eat you alive. I think you know this and your counseling was and is the best thing you could ever do. Getting over some of these hurdles and emotions will be your way of winning. I am a firm believer that by entertaining anger, shame and a general feeling of worthlessness allows your rapist to win. Don’t you give it to them. Take back your life, take back your emotions and take back control of you.
Being raped can cause a whole adaptation of our very being. We will often incorporate a survivalist mentality and often, we are not even aware that we are doing it. What’s even worse, is when we do behave in a manner befitting Rape Trauma Syndrome. There are a lot of things, rape victims tend to do, even though they might know it’s not really the right thing to do. Victims of rape are sometimes promiscuous and addiction, drowning out emotion, can often add insult to injury. A lot of it comes down to self worth. We may think we are not worthy in general.
I may possibly understand how you feel and I think the key here is going to be honesty, remember this.
It seems to me, you are very intelligent, I gather this from your prose but you have a distinct advantage over others, you might not even realize; you have empathy on this subject.

So, what to do? You have already taken several steps towards your healing, counseling is a big part of that. I mentioned honesty and let me add perspective. O.K., I do not know what you look like. You could be beautiful but this has made you feel ugly. What you need is reality and acceptance. How do we do this? First, we look in the mirror, literally. I did this and have been doing it every day since I adopted this into my being. I see a fairly attractive woman. I am not beautiful but I clean up good. I think a few years ago, I may have even been pretty but we’ll use the word attractive. For years, I felt ugly on one hand but knew that I was OK, on the other. It comes down to feeling good in your own skin. Then, you must work on who you are. Are you a negative person? Do you behave like a victim? Then, you look in the mirror figuratively and assess yourself, each and every day. A person only grows if they nurture themselves. You will not find that in other people, money or material things. No, you have to become a woman on your own. It is a right of passage to feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be aware that it is real easy for us to look for happiness or fulfillment in people or material things. Was Cody this to you or a security blanket? Now, let me make it clear that I am not stating that this is what you were doing but I simply want you to look at it. Until you are happy with yourself, you are no good to any one else. You must stand on your own and work through all your own demons. Get it out and always look in the mirror. Be ok with yourself. Be realistic with yourself. Do not look for fault but assessment, as to what you have to offer. Most importantly, I want you to realize that what happened to you was not your fault and you should have no shame for it. Whoever did this was a heinous ass and it is easy to stay angry about it. If you do that though or continue to be victimized by it, you just that; it’s victim. Stop!

I want you to begin the healing so you may stand on your own as a woman. Grow from this and rise above it. Look in the mirror and be honest as to what you have to bring to any relationship. I will repeat, do not look for fault. We all have faults, you don’t own the market on that one and I don’t care if you’re Miss America, if we chose to, we will and can find fault. Be realistic as to who you are. Make sure you have NOT become needy. This is why I stress growing and standing on your own, as a person, as a woman. If you put on that *Bitch Belt and you become an assertive woman, who states her needs, does not play the victim or have a sense of entitlement, you will be a well rounded package. I think with Cody, even though it was or is love, you may have used that situation to buffer yourself. It was somewhat, possibly *Co-Dependency.

You’re codependent for sure if, when you die,
someone else’s life flashes in front of your eyes.

You’ve got to be you before you can be a couple and really before you have anything to offer. I think you are trying to do this right now and I think you are on the right road, the road to recovery. Most of all, remember when you start feeling bad or worthless, like a big ball of nothing, you let that SOB win. Take it back baby and put on that *Bitch Belt. Yes, I want you to wear it like Prada!

Stand Up

I am in complete agreement with your therapist. If you do not chase Cody, if it’s true love, he will come back. If it’s real and wholesome, he never left, he just took a break and you will always be on his mind. But the more independent you become, the more you have to offer. If he sees that you can exist without him, he’s going to look at the situation. You need to be able to exist without him. If you are in the same room, you need to be only you, if you are a 1000 miles apart, you need to be able to cope on your own. Want and Addiction to a relationship are two different things.

Baby Steps

I truly believe for two people to become one in union, you can’t have a fraction and a whole part. The math just doesn’t add up, does it? Are you a fraction?
In marriage, it has to be 1+1=1 but that one is a whole number and is divisible, all on it’s own. Don’t be a fraction. Work on you and how you want to be perceived. Do you want to be perceived as needy, unhappy, negative or a victim? I don’t think you do and I am not implying that you are. What i am saying is to assess yourself. You have that power of deducement or you may have lost your mind, long ago. I know you’ve flirted with the edge but you are a survivalist. Be proud of that, ok?

Baby Steps

I know and would bet money that you want me to tell you to run to him, when you go home for Easter vacation. But I would love to tell you to keep yourself far away from him. Easter is coming and you are chomping at the bit, rightly so. You love this guy, this is clear. I know you want to better yourself and to rise above all this or you would not have bothered to write me a lengthy letter, which by the way, I am flattered that you asked me for my opinion.
I know what love is. I have loved and been loved. I have had that kind of love, where you look at them and it takes your breath away. I’ve also known the kind of love, if you want to call it that, where if he was in a bad mood, I tip toed around. He had the ability to crush me in every way. He also was able to take my good days and turn then to crap. Then, I’d set about pampering him and trying to make it right. I took it personal, as if I had to make it right. It was extremely unhealthy and I slipped into further mental illness and addiction just trying to shut it up. I couldn’t fix him but boy did I try. I was one sick individual and when we argued because he had that bad day and he told me that I was an ugly bitch or worthless, I believed him. He was cruel to me and I played a victim and let him do this to me. Notice the word “let.” I may have been whole or close to it when the relationship started but he reduced me to a fraction. I let him do this. I had to stop allowing him to use my weaknesses against me. I had to begin to look in the mirror and ask myself if I really was a worthless ugly bitch?
I looked in the mirror and I did not like what I saw because I did see a worthless ugly bitch. I cleaned that mirror and washed my face and mind and peered into again. What I saw was a woman who’d been playing a victim and allowing all my garbage to be worn all over me. People had to have seen it as clear as the black eyes, he’d given me more than a dozen times. I was able to get away from him but not before I’d looked in the mirror and was truthful with myself. It was only then that I was able to say, “Hey, you’re not half bad. You are a good hearted person, witty, a good conversationalist and well rounded. You are loving and affectionate (which took some work), a good lover, wife, person and you have a lot to offer.” I have never been egotistical but quite the opposite. But you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. You must be truthful with yourself, break it down and build it back up.

Your Answer

How bad do you want this? One of two things will happen, once you put on that *Bitch Belt. You will become stronger, you will become whole and you will be noteworthy. Your self-worth will be evident, your self-assurance will shine through.
Or?
You used Cody as a security blanket and as you grow into who you are, you will stand up, see yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. You will no longer need a security blanket or buffer from the world. You will stand up and state that you will no longer allow some loathsome creature to own you or your emotions. You will say that what was done to you by that Pedophile was in the past and you kick it to the curb. Take back you, G-friend. Stand up and face it, in your mind and stare it down. Out loud you say that you refuse to allow this to keep you down, not one more frigin minute. I want you to take in a huge breath, gather up all those nasty memories and blow them in the wind. If you get another memory or flashback, you do this every damn time and blow it all out, get it out and let it go. Take that hurt, pain, shame, guilt and anger and flush it. Take back you and continue to see your therapist.
OK, Easter vacation? After you have done all this, I know you’ll want to call him. Feel it out. If you have done your homework, he’ll feel it. When you call him and you don’t sound like you are going to tax his emotions, he will know. He may feel it enough and offer to see you. If given the opportunity, you offer to possibly have coffee and you state that you would like to speak with him. If he says no, walk away, figuratively, dignity intact. It may not be time yet. Time heals all wounds, really it does. He may grow away from you but if it’s meant to be, he’ll sense the changes. If he agrees to meet with you, I want you to look your best, you know, fix your hair real nice, wear something, nice, not too provocative. But before you walk out that door, you put your “Bitch Belt” on.
Now, you hold your head up. You will not be that same woman, you know that girl who was raped and couldn’t let it go or that needy, I can’t live without you, you are my only existence, my entire world, girl. You will stand up, as a woman, with so much to offer, a beautiful diamond. Diamonds withstand the highest heat to obtain their brilliance. You are now a diamond and you will shine. You have gone through all this to arrive, a woman with value.
A true woman is one that is also capable of seeing when she was wrong. You must admit your part in this whole situation. You may have just pushed his buttons and he snapped, as you yourself said. You apologize for pushing him to that point. Now, here’s the only reason I want you to see him…to apologize. If you do not have ulterior motives, you will not seem needy. No, you have gone to see him, to right a wrong. You owe him that. If you go with the needy, “We have to get back together,” scenario, rooted as your motive, you need to stop right there. No, you must start with accountability for your actions. You are no longer a victim, placing all your pain and junk, all on his broad shoulders.
Go to the house or where ever you guys decide to meet, if he agrees. Do not touch him or try to hug him, unless he offers it. Even if he does, don’t fall right in, keep some distance between you. You tell him that you have worked through things and you realize that you have not been fair and you are so sorry. You tell him that he did not deserve all that, he’s a good guy and you never meant to hurt him or push him so far. Now, here’s the important part, take note; if he has just listened to you and not said anything, which I encourage you to state you want to be heard, you apologize finally, stand as to walk out and extend your hand to shake it. It will be a sense of closure on that chapter. He will either take you in his arms or let you walk away. Do not plead and beg but walk away, if he does not seem interested or receptive. You have now planted a seed of a new you, a woman of the highest caliber. It may take all of your will power to walk away but you need to…unless, he pulls you to him, ok?

I can’t guarantee, this will work to get him back but you will know where you stand. If you walk away because he let you, it will instantly be seen that you have not behaved as you did when he had you leave before, right? It will make him think, if he really loves you. If he does not love you and I truly wish for this to work for you, you will have walked away with your held high, done your part to make it right and not leave a bad taste in his mouth. You must then move on but you will have grown from it. Stand up, you are a diamond!

Definition of a Bitch and or Bitch Belt
*I want you to wear one of Aunt B’s Bitch Belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I’m talking about is not what some people think or understand. I’m talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we’ve, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or “I am woman, hear me roar.” But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a “Bitch.” I’m wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We’re not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We’re the new woman and we’re standing proud. We’re pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She’s a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else’s expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he’s a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you’ll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won’t give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date.

This is a comment, I had given to a dear Sister in the same crisis. This aptly applies to you, too;
I think getting it off your chest is the first step and I see you are doing that. Now, the second is to remember,”Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord your God.” I want you to begin a vigilant prayer, that God handle this situation. You ask him for strength and comfort. You ask him for wisdom to understand and to use it to help others, as you are trying to do. You will begin the healing once you can…”Let Go and Let God.”
You do no good to yourself or anyone else with your anger. You allow him to have power over you still. You ask God to take away this animosity and you ask Him to do what you can not. Every single time you feel this anger, you must turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help you get through this and to help you let go of this anger. It is not healthy to be so angry in a situation where your hands are tied. It can and will eat you alive. Take back control of you, take back your power and then hand it to God. Every waking, angry moment, you get yourself into prayer, conversation with God. He will see you through the fire. I will also pray for you. I understand how you feel. I have been through it myself. There’s not much else you can do than this, to break a spirit. Don’t let this break you. Don’t give him this. Let go and let God.

This is an Update from the author of the letter to me, her comment…

WOW…. wow! That’s all I can say right now! Thank you so much for replying! Reading this has been such an awaking experience for me; even though so much has happened since the time I wrote this! OK so I’ll start at the beginning:

I’ve gone to theraphy 3 times now; so much has come back to me. I lost years of my childhood that I absolutely don’t remember, but things are coming back. I’m remembering more details about what happened. I know it’s a little weird for me to say this but it makes me feel good. This person not only took my virginity from me but he tried to take more! I wanted to take my own life, twice. Once when I was 9 years old, and something told me to “STOP!”. I had a razor against my wrist and something told me that there was someone who was struggling just as much as I was, and finding out more about Cody’s childhood (he was beaten a lot as a kid) I think he was it. And the second time I was older, 16 I think. I was just so sick of being in my own skin. I was sick of beating myself up. I hated myself. I remember taking a bottle of Tylenole PM from under my mom’s sink when my parents went out; I remember opening the bottle and taking two pills out, about to take out a third when Cody called me. He saved my life that night, and I never told him.

And even though I tried to believe him when he told me I was beautiful I didn’t believe him; but now I do! I am beautiful, brave, intellegent- I am becoming everything I wanted myself to be. I’m not completly there yet but I’m on my way. I’ve also been doing a lot of praying. I gave myself to the Lord that day in church, I’ve been healing both mentally and spirtiually- and I have never felt better. All that hurt that I had, all those bad feelings about myself….. gone. I know that might sound a little werid, and honestly I was afraid to give myself to the Lord. I was afraid because I knew that if I did I would have to deal with the issue of my rape, and I didn’t want too. I’ve never really had a close relationship with my Dad either, and going to church more has taught me that I associated my relationship with my own father with that of the heavenly Father. I’ve been giving so much to the Lord, and I’ve realized that the more I give- the more I get back.

And you know what? Thing have been coming together with Cody too! He’s called me! We even went out for a run, and lunch too. He’s been seeing change in me. We’ve talked more and more about religion, about God, and about the world around us. He starting to look at me the same way again. Even though I know we can only be friends right now… I know that as time passes its going to grow more and more into something else. Yes, our relationship with never be the same. It can’t ever be the same: but it can be so much better, and I believe that. And I know he’s scared that I’ll turn into that dependancy monster- but that can’t ever happen, I’m healing both sides of me. That scared girl who thought she was nothing is dead. I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am alive!

One day when I was praying, just having a quiet moment on my way back to my dorm I had this angel whisper: “Instead of trying to be the woman of Cody’s dreams, why don’t you become the woman of yours? You never know, it could be the same person!” I’ve been living by that ever since. It’s been amazing!

I’ve begun to tell more people about what happened to me, and the more people I tell the more I’m finding out that the same thing happened to them. I actually wrote about it on myspace and I’ve had so many people tell me that they were shocked and so proud of me that I’m getting help. I found out that one of my best friends in elementary school experienced the same thing; and I never knew! She was always so happy! It just makes me so angry. And it’s never going to stop. More and more children will be victimized. It sickens me!

Another thing that came to me when I was praying what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always, but I never had time to write. I took writing classes at school but when we had to write about myself, I couldn’t. I’ve realized that God wants me to write about my story. It’s going to be hard and a long process but I know on order to help people I have to do this. Church has opened my eyes even more to things I didn’t realize. For instance… there’s a saying in the Bible, something like what Satan uses for bad, God can turn into good, and I think writing about will help that. And if anyone wants to say that God doesn’t exhist… look at me. I’m not supposed to be here. I survived something that was supposed to take me out, and I’m still here. I am still here. People may abandon me- but the Lord never will.

Speaking of which…. Easter. The more time that passes, the more I pray, I’m realizing it would be a good time to talk to him. The fact that he’s been wanting to do more stuff with me I’ve realized that it would be okay to talk to him. But I must make sure and mention first that I don’t want to kickstart our relationship because he’s not ready for it and neither am I. I’m still learning more about myself. And the more I learn- the more I find out I’m a wonderful person. And as more time passes I’ve realized that yes, there could be another person out there for me. Even though Cody has answered so many prayers for me…. I’ve realized that there could be someone else. But at the same time God is telling me that this summer is going to be amazing for the both of us. Things aren’t over between us, after 5 years- I mean come on! And no matter what happens I know that we’ll still at least be friends, and I’ll be absolutely golden no matter what happens. I don’t know whats in store for my future, and honestly I’m not scared. But I know it’s going to be amazing…. but summer… that I’ll have to leave for another update!

Thank you so much again Aunt B. for your advice!

God Bless!

A******

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 5:26 AM    

Labels: Bitch Belt, Mz.Karma Bitchslap, Personal Relationships, Perspective, Rape

Stand Tall

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Stand Tall

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

 

Aunt B,
first off i think what you do is a very noble indeed. There should be more portals for humans to acquire guidance from the viewpoint of a complete stranger with much wisdom. For this i thank you.
I am 28 years old and have had caused some of the problems in my life for a reason that eludes me. My very first sexual experience is what determined my orientation when it came to sexual desire. This moment was fated to be shared with the same sex. It was a few years later, at the ripe age of 13 when i was awakened to the divine nature of the the opposite sex. For the rest of my childhood into adult hood i hardly thought of my first sexual encounter and instead choose to devout my time and imagination to the splendor that is the female. All my time was spent with my various girlfriends, our sex life was bustling and I had always felt completely relaxed and open with them. Then finally at the age of 22, without a girlfriend, I reacquainted my self with my gay side and began relations with other men. I decided to keep my preference from my loved ones and friends because i knew if they found out they would be heartbroken and disgusted with me. I felt this had to be kept in the closet. I also noticed that my persona around the men that i dated was all business. In other words the only thing i desired from them was sex, and nothing more. I always felt uncomfortable around them before and after the act so therefore never really got to know any of them. Things have been going this way for about 6 years until i started to become close again with a girl who was my best friend growing up. We have been hanging recently and things are very good, in fact it seems that our relationship could progress in to something more. I then realized it was essential to get a std test which i did with the test result coming back clean. It was about this time that one of my closest friends believed that i was gay and spread this rumor about me which would eventually inform everyone that i cared about. Even my mother hinted at it to which i replied that she was wrong and i always preferred woman. However all of my friend’s were not so easy to convince, in fact each of my friendships have suffered a great deal while some of my closest allies have deserted me and we no longer talk. I feel like every time i hang out with a friend they show disrespect, anger and disgust towards me which in turns instills hatred towards them and then later, much pain and distress inside me which leaves me tired and melancholy. I am afraid the girl, my old friend who has just recently come back into my life will hear about these accusations and leave me. I don’t want to admit that i am gay because it would ruin my chances of settling down with a woman and raising a family, something i look forward to doing so greatly. I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. i want to date this girl, and i don’t want to be thought as gay any longer by my friends. thanks for reading my serious dilemma.
sincerely
Fading Fast

~~~

Dear Fading Fast,

I appreciate your comment about doing this page, when actually; I am only trying to get into heaven, lol! Really, it is simply because I’ve been there, done that and learned. I am also very empathic but I simply want to give back. So, I do appreciate it, when I get recognition, such as yours. That is my reward and if you tell me, that I have helped you. I hope I can.

My Dear, it sounds like you are in a state, much like my own son went through. Yes, my son is gay. He had tried to be with women and it just didn’t work. I think he was and has always been torn, though. He loves and respects women but his attraction is with men. At the same time, a lot of gay relationships are not really relationships but encounters. But let me point out, that quite often this happens in hetero situations too. It’s just sex and hopefully, its safe sex. Speaking of, I’m glad you’ve been responsible and had yourself checked. I’m even happier that you came back clean. I am in contact with many gay men, who were not so fortunate. It only takes once and don’t you know every single one of them said the same thing, “I didn’t think it would happen to me,” and “Well, he didn’t look like he had AIDS/HIV?” I am quite sure you are aware of this, right? I just had to put my two cents in, when given the opportunity.

This world can be so very cruel, my friend. You have witnessed it, first hand, have you not? Because it is so brutal sometimes, let me tell you that if I could have turned off my sons gay tendencies, many, many years ago, I would have. Why? Because 20+ years ago, there was no tolerance, not like you have today. He suffered terribly. No Mom wants their child to go through the endless harassment or labeling that goes with the stigma of a gay lifestyle. But I have unconditional love for my son. He is also my best friend and if I had to pick only one person to be with on a deserted island, it would be him. We’d have to have music and munchies and we’d party the entire time and talk. We love each other. I was not always the best Mom but he forgave me and that is what it’s all about.

Let me make something clear; I believe in Monogamy. Why do I bring this up? Well, let me tell you…

The way we perceive the gay community is based on religion, is it not? I am not fond of deviance and there is a lot of deviance in both the gay and straight community. Of course, the straight community loves to point out the flaws in the gay community but I’m calling them both on the carpet. I do believe that God has a problem with deviant behavior, not the fact that you have gay tendencies. He created you. Does God make mistakes? I think not and he knows your heart. No, God has a problem with all people just looking for sex. There is no love in it and when it is done continually, it will blacken your soul. It can be an addiction just as bad as drugs. When you have behaved in a deviant manner, you don’t feel good, huh? How do I know this? I know this because I have behaved that way and I know it is wrong. I fight it off every day. Yes, I have a dark side, hell I’ve danced with the devil. If a wrong could be done, I did it. Now, I am trying to be a better person.

Here’s the difference; If you are looking for a relationship, whether it be gay or straight, it should not involve sex from the git-go. Sex and relationship are two different things. I think we all have approached it wrong. We go out on a Friday or Saturday night, hoping to get lucky. This is wrong. If we are looking to meet, fall in love and plan a life together, there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. Gay or straight, if you are looking for a relationship, a true love, a real monogamous life, I encourage it. I don’t think my God has any problem with this, either. My son is not going to hell because he is gay. I do not and will not believe this. He is in a loving relationship and doing well.

No, I have not become sidetracked here. I am laying the groundwork for what I have to say;

1. If you have behaved deviantly, ask your higher power for forgiveness.
2. If you are trying to have a good healthy relationship, I encourage it.
3. If you are ashamed of your past, stop it and after doing #1, I’ll point out that guilt doesn’t come from God, so where does it come from? Think about that.
4. Be true to yourself.
5. Stand tall and do not bow. No one person has the right to condemn you or judge you. If you are standing tall, you will not behave like a victim.
6. Are you giving off a victim vibe?
7. Your sexual preference, past, present or future, is nobody’s business.
8. If you are gay it’s nobody’s business.
9. If you behaved in a gay manner in the past or experimented, it is only your business. You owe no one an explanation, not even your family.
10. Be encouraged, I stand behind you. Anyone that cares about you will also accept you as you are, the others do not matter.

I want you to go to your Higher Power and speak to Him/Her, this is between the two of you and no one else. From that moment on, you answer to no one but your Higher Power. You stand tall. If you act effeminate and this is why you are targeted, you put yourself in an awareness of it and you try to articulate. It can be done, if you are aware of it. People have to polish themselves all the time. I had a very prominent Southern accent. After hearing myself on the radio, I chose to change that and articulate with awareness. People learn to speak in front of crowds and often are not born with these skills. Be aware and stop being a victim. I am not saying that you are but we do tend to allow ourselves to be victimized, do we not. But if you adapt an assertive, no nonsense, I will not take your judgmental bullshit anymore attitude, people will perceive you differently.

Life is perception. Whether or not we are accepted in life does have a lot to do with how independently we think and behave. Have you ever seen a kid being picked on in school? It is because he has shown a victims side and the bully sees it. Most bullies are the ones with the most to prove. We often perceived them as stronger between the passive or aggressive types. In all due reality, it is these people who have to point out others flaws to feel better about themselves. Do not be a passive person. I do not want you to be aggressive either but assertive. You take a stand in this world and say to anyone that confronts you about your “Gayness” that you don’t owe them a damn thing much less an explanation of your sexuality. You do not owe your own Mother that. You are a man and as long as you are trying to live right, you owe no one, NO ONE.

What is living right? Living right is when you have a relationship with your higher power, knowing that you answer to a higher authority. Do not be afraid. We all make mistakes, we all screw up we all sin. It is in our nature to sin, isn’t it? So, when we do but are trying to live right, we confess it, let it go and try to do our best. We go on with an attitude that we will do to others, what we want done to us. We won’t purposely hurt anyone and we will be accountable for our actions. We don’t try to get over or scam people at home, in life or in the workplace. We do not judge others or look down our noses. It’s so simple yet we complicate it all, now don’t we? It is not about being religious but becoming Spiritual and true to oneself. And that is all I want you to do; be true to yourself. You owe nothing, so stop giving or paying for what you do not owe.

Now, go on and be happy and fall in love and have a family. From this moment on, all your junk is handed off and there’s nothing to find, nothing to pay for and no one but your higher power to answer to. Stand tall.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 10:44 AM    

Labels: Gay, Gay Lifestyle, God and the Gay, Living Right

Encouraging Words

 

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Encouraging Words

Everyday life is not easy and living life on life’s terms, is often hard. If you are stuck in addiction, seek help, don’t let it kill you or your spirit. Drugs do kill, don’t think it can’t happen to you. Often times we feel we have no where to turn. One thing I learned through all my trials and tribulations, is that even when I felt I had no choice, I always did. I see that now. But when you feel the flames, all around you, it is often hard to see through the smoke. There are resources in every state across America, that will steer you in the right direction. You have to want it bad enough but getting clean, can be done. It may seem distant but it comes down to really wanting to change. You must be committed to changing and you have to seek it. You found addiction and getting clean will not look for you. No, you must look for it, find it and hold on. Start with your Yellow pages. Look up AA/NA meetings or Hotlines. Call you Department of Human Services or Mental Health. If you can’t find anything, call your local hospital. Seek and you shall find. Remember…you do have choices! Love, Aunt B

 

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 2:01 PM

Labels: Encouraging Words

Into The Fire Again? Oh Hell No!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Into The Fire, Again? Oh, Hell No!

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Okay, I was engaged and living with a man. We split and I moved out. In the mean time we had been trying to work things out and salvage our relationship. I was under the impression that things were a little rocky but that we had actually made some progress. Then I find out from his room mate’s girlfriend that he didn’t come home one Friday night. She assumed he was at my house and when she realized he wasn’t it was too late. So I basically told him that he could go &(^&* himself and he tried to lie about it. On top of that it was some old woman that works at the bar he plays pool at. So, he’s been telling me that he made a mistake and wants another chance. Then I find out that he’s going to that bar still to play pool. I’m not stupid, but he seems to think that he can go up there and I shouldn’t have a problem with it. I know what I need to do, but I think I need someone else to actually tell me!

~~~

I am so Old School, I built the damn thing, hahahaha! I think you came to the right place for this one and I’m gonna spell it out, just for him. Hold on a second, while I put my chaps, boots and motorcycle jacket back on, I feel the need!

I’ve been around the block and this ain’t my first rodeo, ok? What adds to this twist, is I’ve lived through the exact or similar situation. My scenario happened in a Club my ex worked in, outside of D.C. He was the bouncer, at the door. There were always young girls, that would do just about anything to get in and apparently, they did. This was at a time, when we were knee deep in Heavy Metal and they had Live Bands playing. It was certainly a playground for anything and everything. I was very naive, back then, for even allowing(yes, I said allowing. I don’t have to live with it, unless I allow it) my husband to work there. But girlfriend grew up and let me tell you what I learned.

There are different levels of trust, right? Most trust, you hand to your man, while some they must earn. Once they’ve taken that trust and then abused it, you are a damn dummy, if you just hand it back to them on a silver platter. So, to nip it in the bud…
I stand with you on this one.

I learned a lot, the hard way. I have mental and physical scars to prove it. I’ve lived an extremely hard life. But it was all for a reason and maybe, this website or even this letter to you, is that reason.

The way to keep from making yourself crazy or sick over all this, is rather simple. You must always flip the script and put things in terms your man will understand. It is based on the old adage, “What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander.” Put that “shoe on the other foot” for him. Ask him, how would he feel about you going out, by yourself, to the exact Bar, hanging out in a place, playing pool, at the place where you had slept with the Bartender? Would he trust you to go there, make eye contact with this guy, breathe the same air, ask him for a drink? I know, he would not like it. If he says he wouldn’t mind, you tell me, I’ll give you my phone number and you have him call me. Why? Because I want to call him a liar and I would, will, can and would most certainly enjoy it!

Never trust the man you love and sleep with, the one that tells you, he loves you and only you, to enter the Lioness Den. You are asking for trouble. Now, I am not saying that you can never trust him. I am saying you never hand it all to him, never be stupid, never be naive and never believe he will never fool around on you. If he has done it once, he may do it again. I’m not saying he will but short of threatening his very life, you just don’t hand him, all of it, all at once. No, you put him on Parole. He’s got to tell you where he’s going and if he’s not going to be back when he says he would, then he calls you and tells you. Hello, that’s not controlling, that is common courtesy on his part. But the biggest part of your story here and now, is no, I don’t think he could possibly think, you’d be understanding that he should be able to go back into that Bar, right now. It’s not fair and it sucks for him to think anything different. There’s got to be other Bars, he can frequent. What if the damn thing burned down? Tell him to pretend it burned down before you get any ideas, lol!

Your Answer

He can do whatever he wants, he’s a big boy and you sure don’t own him. But that doesn’t mean you have to live with a crappy concept, right? You tell him that he has the right to do whatever floats his boat but that does not and will not mean you will tolerate it. He has hurt you, burned down the spot where you held your trust for him and his behavior and handed you the ashes. Now what? You want me to watch you go back into the fire? Even if his heart is pure, you have feelings and he needs to respect them and try to understand how he would feel if things were reversed. I think you are being reasonable and obviously, you love him, or you would have kicked him to the curb. He should appreciate that, alone. I’ve got your back on this one and you tell him, I said so! I like him though, you just need to put it all into perspective, terms he understands, ok?

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 2:08 PM    

Labels: Personal Relationships, Trust, Trust Issues

Red Flags

Friday, March 16, 2007

Red Flags

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

I am 31 years old and have been single for a very very long time – 5 years. In those 5 years I’ve met a few guys and dated a fair bit but 7 weeks ago I met someone very special someone who I click with but several issues are coming up. I’m scared that I may be finding things to sabotage the relationship, or that I am being naïve – we get on so well, we talk, connect, click, really like each other and are really attracted to each other. He calls when he says he will, says all the right things, spends time with me and my friends but he drinks 7 days a week, from 3 beers up to 12 beers a night. I’ve asked him to cut down and he agrees but has only been sober or didn’t drink at all once really. He starts drinking with his brother when he gets home from work, has cut down a bit for me, I virtually [do not] drink so it’s a problem for me. It also stinks and makes him snore.

He is putting on a lot of weight almost 5kgs in the short time I know him, eats a lot off junk food, eats triple the amount I eat and it is so off putting. I am a bit of the obsessive eating disorder type, always worrying about my weight and am watching someone cram wedges in his mouth.

He has an 8 year old son who I met once and told his dad he didn’t like me. So the next day my boyfriend barely spoke to me, touched me or looked at me in front of his son.

Later when we spoke he told me how important his son is to him, told his family that I was in a mood (which I was) and twice has laughed at me when I’ve told him how insecure I get.

Am I fooling myself? It’s 70% fantastic, loving, has potential and then there are these things – I am not sure if I should be having such issues after such a short time or if I am looking for trouble.

I would love your advice!

 

This is a tough one, my friend. I may have to shoot from the hip on this and hope, fervently, that I do not hurt anyone’s feelings.

At 31 years old, I assume your fella, is similar in age? Regardless, I think, you have every reason to worry here. We’ll attempt to address the most important situations first.

I don’t know if you’ve read any of my other posts? In the event that you have not, I will tell you, I am an addict in recovery. I drank like a fish, lived with a man, who drank like a whale and we are both recovering from drug addiction, where my drug of choice, was Heroin. I have been clean from heroin for 9 years. I tell you this, so you may know two things; there is hope, it is possible to rise above addiction and I speak from experience.

True love, is deaf, dumb, blind, crippled and crazy and sometimes, plain ol’ stupid. Often times, you will not see fault. I do believe they call it, “Falling in Love,” for a reason, you just might “Fall.”

Your guy, without a doubt in my mind, is an Alcoholic. You just can’t sugar coat this. He may be, what they call a, “Functional Alcoholic,” but the label fits. A person that drinks more than an occasional beer is no longer a social drinker. There is no gray area here. It is only gray, if the person is in denial and paints it gray. Now, this does not mean he is a bad person. In fact, I think he may have fallen into what I like to call,

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

Let me explain, using my own Dad, as example. My Dad is 74, so this is many, many years ago but it aptly applies to today…

When my Dad was 17 years old, he was getting ready to leave for the Navy. His Father, a Captain, in the Navy, told him, he was a man now and he wanted to teach him one of life’s most valuable lessons. He sat him down, with two shot glasses on the kitchen table. He put water in one of the shot glasses and whiskey in the other. He then, dropped a worm, in each shot glass and told my Dad to watch. A couple minutes passed and my Grandfather asked my Dad, what he saw. He stated that, the worm in the water was still swimming and the worm in the whiskey had died. My Grandfather nodded his head, pulled out two more shot glasses, filled them with whiskey, handed one to my Dad, held one up, downed it. He then exclaimed, “That’s right son, always drink whiskey and you’ll never have worms. Now, drink up.” This was his homespun initiation into manhood. True story!

You may have even read this story somewhere else, as I have but it may be, that is how Father’s ushered in their sons, way back when. In the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and possibly, even today, father’s still had the idea, that on their sons 18th Birthday, it was proper to throw them a booze party. I’ve heard, the likes, of Dad’s taking their sons to a strip joint, a night out of drinking and painting the town, “Red, White and Blue.” That mentality, was instilled, that to be a true man, you drank, it is your God given right. The myth, was ingrained, that you work hard, 40+ hours and when you did, you deserved to buy a six-pack of beer. That is the “Manly” thing to do. What a crock o’crap, huh? To further screw up America, we as women, in our fight for equality have picked up this premise and statistics show that women and addiction has skyrocketed.

Unfortunately, many people, men and women alike, fell into the clutches of addiction, along the way. It’s much more complicated than simply thinking that this observation is why we drink. There are three contributing factors in addiction. They are;

• Predisposition

• Socio-Cultural

• Environmental

Having a parent(s) who may be an Alcoholic or have the mentality, can be a huge contributing factor. A learned behavior is another. Going to College, bing drinking or even hangin’ in the ‘hood, doing drugs, watching what other people do, thinking it is what is normal, can instill a behavior, bad behaviors, at that. Values and beliefs, not to mention, the way we are hard-wired, our DNA, all play a factor in Chemical Dependency.

So, why did I tell you all this? I tell you this because I want you to realize, that it is not as simple as asking him to limit his drinking. It is a rare scenario, where anybody that drinks 7 days a week, even a simple six-pack, does not do it for a reason. It is actually rather complex, more than I can explain to you, even here. I would suggest, your investigation of addiction, to understand it better.*Quite often, drugs and drinking, go hand in hand. We must understand that they and their effects are also one and the same. A chemical is a chemical. Take what you learn and put it in your tool belt, it will help you understand this insidious disease.

Why is he drinking? This has to be your question, to ask yourself and possibly him. I’d bet that there are underlying problems, things he’s running from, things he shutting up, chasing away. I’ve yet to meet anyone, who didn’t have valid reasons, in their mind, why they drank. Life sucks and to live life on life’s terms is not easy. Even if, all the problems go away, it’s not easy to physically stop drinking, especially, after you’ve been drinking, at least, a six-pack a day. Now, it is a physical dependence, not just a mental, shake off the blues, situation.

Red flags must have already gone up, concerning his behavior. You would not have written me, unless that had happened and you wanted validation. Yes, I do think you need to be concerned. It’s no joke and not to be taken lightly. Jumping into a relationship, with someone who is clearly an alcoholic, is a serious undertaking. Now, I am not saying it is not possible, for him to get clean. What I am saying is that all the wishing in the world, from you, won’t get him there. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal. This is and goes hand in hand with step one of Alcoholics Anonymous;

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

How does a proud man, admit that he has fallen, especially when he believes the, *Great American Myth?™

It has to start with him understanding that alcohol has had an adverse effect on him, his relationships and will ultimately, cost him his life. He must realize that his 8 year old son should not have to watch his father in the throws of addiction. Also, let me add quickly, that although a Father should be concerned, what their child thinks, it is not that child’s decision as to who his Dad’s life partner will be. They often have a hard time accepting anyone. Hid Dad needs to understand that but to behave as he did is quite regrettable and wrong. That gives the child license, to be mean, if you ask me. The child may not like you but he needs to respect you, show respect and behave accordingly. I stand with you on this one. I’d point this out to your guy that you realize that, they don’t have to embrace you but he should understand that you be afforded respect and nothing less… NOTHING!

You also mentioned that his behavior, concerning eating, bothers you, right? You have every right in the world, to be concerned about his eating habits. But you must proceed carefully here, as well. You habits are yours, his are his. You’ll have to approach it, realizing that eating is also the way we were raised and so on. Eating healthy does not always come naturally. If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you just begin to show him, how to adapt. If you cook for him, make something that is good but close to a comfort food. He’ll equate that, “Hey, this eating healthy gig’s not so bad?” I mean something like a nice chicken breast, baked with Mashed Cauliflower (tastes just like mashed potatoes) with butter and a nice salad. You have to start somewhere, right? But I think, you’ve got bigger fish to fry here. Meaning this situation with his alcohol abuse, is where you need to start. This sure is no Overnite Delivery, a fix that happens quickly.

Your Answer

It is my impression, that you have a lot of red flags here, as I mentioned before. I ask you, to ask yourself, are you capable of “fixing” this fella? Do you want to fix him? It is possible to be support but you can not,

I repeat, can not fix anybody. Nope, they have to fix themselves and they have to do it for themselves, first and foremost.
If you choose to be supportive, I offer this analogy,
“Take that bull by the horns and ride.”
This early in the relationship, you really have nothing to lose by being perfectly honest. Call it like it is, kindly, or walk away and cut you loses.

Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean.

AA/NA helped me and long before my true addiction surfaced, I had gone to meetings about addiction, to understand my own Father’s (my real Dad) alcoholism. Study all you can and I will put links here to help you. You need a pretty big Tool Belt to tackle this one, if you choose to do this.
My inner loyalty, to you, says get out while the gettin’s good. But if you truly care about this guy, you need to tell him so but that you will not live with his drinking. See, you have a right to be happy, too. Do not feel guilty, if you walk away now. As I said before, you can’t fix anybody. This is our first mistake, thinking we can take charge of things. We can’t change anybody, we can only suggest, advise and support. No, the change has to come from within, in the person that is having the behavioral problem. When you challenge someone’s values and beliefs, get ready for some flak. Now, it may very well be that he doesn’t like this drinking every single day and he may be aware that he has a problem. You need to sit him down and calmly, patiently ask him, if he perceives himself with a problem. Whatever you do, do not have a condescending tone. This will cause him to put up a defensive wall. He will take a survival posture and will virtually be unable to look at his problem. You’ve got to come off, in a loving manner. At the same time, you must make it a point, that he knows, you can not and will not live with this behavior, no if ands or buts about it. You don’t have to and you won’t. Now, he can go and get help, look at this, do something about it or you can go on your merry way. It’s quite possible and plausible, that he may have to enter a Rehab setting. I don’t believe he could physically, just quit. I recommend seeking Medical Advice, in a Treatment setting. This is very important. Please see it as just that, possibly the single most important thing I tell you; Seek a Professional!!
Tell him, it’s time, to pull the Band-Aid off. Even if you were to walk away from him tomorrow, you are planting a seed. You are letting him know, that his behavior is not acceptable and he needs to get help. If he’s not real receptive to jumping into a Rehab, ask him to go to an AA/NA meeting. They’ll plant seeds also and they can be your support group. It’s free and the coffee, is usually palatable. They are real people, who’ve walked down the same path.
I guess the big question here, I pose to you, is what are you willing to or what length are willing to go, to support your guy? Only you can answer this, right?
If you choose to support him in recover, realize that it’s a life long battle. It is treatable but you must brace yourself for the storms. I guarantee this much…it will not go away on its own. Start with talking, not pointing the finger but merely asserting understanding and willingness to support him, if he chooses to get clean. You’d better stand by what you say, too. If you tell him that, you can not tolerate this situation as it exists and if does not choose to get help, you will walk away, you’d better mean it. If you allow it, you will enable him and he will not believe that they’re repercussions for his actions. You’ve got to let him fall before he can pick himself up. If your love is important to him, he’ll see that he will lose you, if he does not seek help. Most of us addicts have to hit some form of bottom, to realize that we need to climb out. It is a treacherous climb. Throw him a line, by giving him the information, where the meeting, are located. Tell him you will help him, only if he helps himself. He’ll either grab hold of that line or lay there till it stinks enough. When it stinks, as you’ve already said it did and he’s not willing to smell it and realize he is offending, get out.
Be prepared. Have your list of meetings, do your homework if it’s important enough to you and hand it all to him. Then, it is “His” decision. If you put it just like that, then he’ll feel just that;
That it’s his decision!

Work on one thing at a time, Girlfriend. Pray and brace yourself. I wish you only the very best. Now, go get it!

The relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for “reaching” and helping an uncontrolled drinker.

In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered alcoholics describe their personal experiences in achieving sobriety, and to read A.A. literature describing and interpreting the A.A. program.

A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact alcoholics. At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.

(Click the Picture for Help)

**The body stops producing endorphins. Endorphins are our body’s natural pain killer. We have receptor’s in our brain, where the endorphins plug in. Try to picture sockets, in the brain, similar to a car. Where you would screw in the spark plug, the endorphins plug in, when we are in pain. The correlation being that the receptors, when there is a constant use of i.e. opiates or any kind of chemical, stop producing. They think they no longer need to produce the chemical.

*How alcohol produces intoxicating effects in the brain is not entirely understood. Most drugs have a specific receptor in the brain. For example, cocaine acts through the dopamine transporter, heroin acts through the opioid receptor, and marijuana acts through the cannabinoid receptor. These are proteins in the cell membrane that shuttle the drugs into the brain cell, where they act much like your body’s own neurotransmitters to excite or depress nerve cells. Alcohol, however, appears to have no specific receptor in the brain. Instead, it seems to affect the receptors for several neurotransmitters, including the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) receptor. GABA is one of the major messenger chemicals in the brain. It reduces the transmission of impulses between nerve cells. Alcohol can either increase or decrease GABA function in different areas of the brain, leading to inhibitory effects (such as loss of judgment) and excitatory effects (such as feelings of exhilaration). Other receptors that may be affected include those for N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), glutamate, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine. These are all natural substances produced in the brain that control things like behavior, memory, sensation, and mood. The variety of chemical pathways that are disrupted can explain the myriad effects that alcohol has on behavior and brain function.

For additional information, see the following websites:

http://alcoholism.about.com/health/alcoholism/
library/blnaa35.htm

http://www.arf.org/isd/pim/alcohol.html

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email…

Babs

Thank you very much for a very honest answer. It’s funny I have teased him about being an alcoholic but as you said it’s a functional abuse of alcohol – he acts fine, he seems fine.

I have read all your advice and will take it on board. There are a few issues we will need to address and at least this way I can support him and have a potentially healthy relationship rather than fix him or feel like a victim. If he can’t see himself with a problem or is unable to seek help – I feel so much for him already; I am not sure where this will go. I really appreciate your answer.

What really scares me is while there are so many good things and such a good connection; there are so many cons as well. I keep finding issues and problems with things and I am wondering if I am a wannabe fixer and a bit of a control freak who is after the perfect boyfriend. I also need to accept several of my own habits and tendencies as my own and his as his.

Thank you for also saying that you have dealt with your own addictions and sought help –

Much appreciated

Phew I feel so much better getting this all out and seeing what I have to deal with; I was thinking that I am such a sabotager.

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™ is a Trademark of BoAB

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 6:54 AM    

Labels: 12 Step Program, AA/NA, Advice, Alcoholism, Eating Disorder, Eating Healthy, Great American Myth

Hmmmm…A Slice of Humble Pie

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Mmmmmmm…A Slice of Humble Pie

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B:

Im not sure how to deal with the problems I’m having with my new Sister-in-Law.

We had been best friends for at least 14 years, and I had recently

married her brother after dating for six years. Our friendship fell

apart for good when I was unable to change my wedding rehearsal date to accommodate her needs (she has health problems and is considered

disabled.) A separate rehearsal date just for her was planned but she

wouldn’t accept it, it had to be all or nothing. I told her that I felt

guilty but she said I was being selfish and unreasonable and letting

down a disabled person. Eventually she ended up dropping out of my

wedding, but she attended the wedding as a guest and bad-mouthed me to her whole family and turned some of her family against me. Since my

wedding day she has further trashed my reputation and most of her family continues to be against me.

We have had many fights in the past (usually about me disagreeing with

her about something) and to resolve our issues we’ve ALWAYS had to use the mediation of a clergy person or counselor. She never has to

apologize, always has a poor excuse for her selfish behavior, and always

turns everything around to make it my fault. My husband, who is the

kindest, most easy-going person I know, is so angry with her and

doesn’t care to see her anymore. Holidays and get together’s are now

scheduled separately so that we don’t have to be in the same room with

his toxic sister.

I am not willing to be her friend but her behavior has ripped a family

apart. She has done nothing to allow the family to heal. I don’t want

to be the one to start apologizing because I feel I did nothing wrong,

but I think something needs to be done to start the healing. How can I

get her to make the first move? Also, am I wrong for being so hurt and

angry at this person, who was supposed to be my best friend and has

caused such unrest in my new marriage?

Thank you so much for any advice you have to give, Aunt B! I look

forward to hearing from you.

Woohoo, do you have your hands full, huh?
First, to make up, I would throw her a Pity Party, with lots of balloons and blowers but make sure it fits her schedule, of course (insert sarcastic tone).

I do not apologize for that. I’ve seen her kind before and it gives people with disabilities a bad name. It’s actually shameful. Because you have a disability does not give you license to be a nasty person. You get more bees with honey than vinegar, right?

I am considered disabled, (our secret, nobody knows) and do not behave any less than I would want to be treated. I was hit by two cars when I was 18. Then, years later, had to have two ribs removed, the artery and nerve moved and a portion of lung removed. My step- sister, was born with Cerebral Palsy, no kneecap, one leg shorter than the other and has had so many surgeries, to try to help her, she looks like a train track. She was also placed in an Asylum when she was 5 years old. Back in the day, (my step-sister is 50+), when a child had such disabilities, that’s what the Doctors told them to do. This place was so horrible, my Aunt, who wrote for 20/20 and People Magazine, did an investigative story and had the place shut down. Throughout it all, my sis rarely complained. Oh, she said she hurt but she never used her disability to get her way, use people or to obtain pity. She was released when she was 22 years old, married and now lives in an Assisted Living situation. I have worked with patients who are bitter and with do anything to grab a pocket full of pity and this is how I am able to see through it. You don’t have to be disabled to be a bitter and nasty person though, huh? You don’t have to be disabled to use people either, right?

Now, I am only telling you some of this, not to establish that I am mean or unfeeling. I am telling you this, only to validate your feelings. I do not believe you are wrong in this situation. I don’t care if they had to bring her in on a stretcher, hooked to an I.V. pole and a heart monitor. She should have respected the event, for what it was. You did your best to accommodate her and that still wasn’t good enough, was it? If you ask me and you did, I would label it…
“SELFISH.”
Why, do you think she behaved as she did? I think it was because you were stealing The SIL Show. The attention was on you and her brother and not her. You were stealing her thunder. If it hadn’t happened then, it would probably have happened at another big event such as a baby shower or birth and so on. Some people just can’t stand to see other people happy, either. She may be quite miserable and you know what they say, “Misery loves company.” She just screwed up and drove you away. I’m quite sure, she thought she’d get her way completely. You’d feel so sorry for her, you’d crumble and she’d have you exactly where she wants you and anybody that comes in contact with her and her world. I feel bad for her husband, oh my?
The question is; How can we point all this out to her?

The Answer

I think you should edit this post, your answer here and send it to her, along with how you feel. What do you have to lose, at this point. She really needs someone, to point out that she is behaving rather childishly and with complete disregard for her brother, amongst others.

Or

You can pray for Wisdom and write her a letter. In that letter, you state that you want to end this bitter feud. I am a huge fan of writing letters. When you try to talk to someone, in a heated situation with added discomfort, the letter does not allow for them to take a defensive posture and not hear what you have to say. The added bonus, is that quite often, for many people, what they read, may sink in deeper than what they’ve read. This is true, especially, when they’ll want to come back in a nasty way. This takes away their ammunition and render’s them equalized for that moment. The way you term things, the psychology of it all, will be the key.

I would tell her that, you no longer want to keep up or fuel this chaos in the family, it has been damaging and serves no purpose(She will have to look at the whole affair and if she continues, after you’ve made this statement, then she is the one that is not acting on behalf of the family). You tell her, that you make this gesture for her brothers sake. You state that you no longer want strife in the family over what should have been a memorable occasion for “her” brother(emphasis is taken off of your feelings and placed on her brother and how she is treating him). You tell her, that you are trying, to be adult about this, for the sake of the family and you would hope she could do the same(She will then, hopefully look at the fact that it is not a mature stance, she has taken). Tell her, that it was never your intention to offend her but you had done all you could to accommodate her and her needs (She will have to look at the fact that you did offer her a lot of leeway and hopefully see that she was acting in a pitiful manner, using her disability to get her way). State that you want to end this long, arduous and painful feud, as you know in your heart that it is not good for the family(See, now you have made it very clear, if she continues this whole affair, she must not care how her family feels). State that you no longer want to inconvenience the family to accommodate, the two of you and a bad situation or bad blood between the two of you. Why should they suffer for a disagreement between the two of you? Can we end this, for the sake of the family and especially, “Your Brother?” Then, you say, “How can we end this?”

See, you’ve not apologized and you’ve not really given in. You’ve kept your dinity and served up a slice of humble pie, for you both to share, of course she’ll get a much larger piece than yours cause you are not the selfish one, right, lol? I think you have detoured, the whole responsibility and the weight or burden back where it belongs. It’s doubtful, she’ll even realize it. If after you’ve written this letter and sent it to her and she does not respond in a favorable stature, you can no longer carry the burden, in any way, shape or form. You have made an attempt with no admission of guilt. It will seem that you have the best interests of the family and her brother, in your heart. If she does not respond in a favorable manner, it shows her true selfish colors and she’s just a waste of time, energy and you are so much better off, without her baggage on your mind. I pray, her heart will warm and she’ll be receptive and maybe even read between the lines. I pray for your wisdom and words.

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi again Babs,

First off, I want to say I’m sorry to hear about your disabilities and

especially your sister’s. It’s good to know you both are doing OK and

living your lives the best ways you know how. (Too bad my sister-in-law

can’t live up to examples like this). My SIL should feel lucky because,

although she is considered disabled, she can do many things that others

can’t. In fact we have a mutual friend who works with individuals who

are severely handicapped (brain trauma, etc.) and said to me that Evil

One should spend a day with her on the job and then she’d realize how

good she actually has it.

With that being said, I sincerely want to thank you for your help, Babs.

I have sought the advice of others who had told me “that’s life!” or to

just ignore her completely. Your advice showed me in a kind, gentle

way, how to deal with my selfish SIL. I’m glad someone sees her for the

selfish, obnoxious b!tch that she is!

Finally someone agrees with me that writing is an easier way of

communication when you need to get your point across! Thanks for

allowing me to believe that this is OK to do, and doesn’t make me a

coward. I am the type of person who is afraid to communicate face to

face with someone during an argument, out of fear of not being heard,

being punished, or not having the chance to say everyting that’s on my

mind. (SIL detests this form of communication, by the way- sucks to be

her, I guess!)

I wrote her a letter yesterday and emailed it to her last night. The

letter had many different versions before I was able to say exactly what

I needed to say without sounding like a snot (this was kinda hard since

I basically wanted to tell her off for good, which I never got the

chance to do.) I reread your response a few times for more guidance and

things finally started to hit home. I remembered your words “I pray for

your widsom and words” and everything started to come togther

beautifully. I showed it to my husband and he said he was really proud

of me for trying to mend the rift this caused

I have not heard anything from her yet, which I don’t know what to think

of- it could mean either thing, that she either deleted it or is firing

back a 10 page nasty response about what an ungrateful brat I am and how

I’m directly responsible for her rapidly declining health (yes she’s

used that line several times on me already and I’ve falled for it

before!) Hopefully, her delay in response means that she is carefully

considering the letter, her poor choices, and what she can do to end

this. But, like you advised, our letter is giving her an option to mend

this feud for the FAMILY, and if she can’t see that for what it is, (and

this was clearly stated in the letter we want this to end for the

FAMILY’S sake) then she clearly doesn’t care about the best interests of

the family, and we should move on.

Babs, once again I want to thank you for your guidance and continued

support. The burden this feud has created for me already seems to have

been lifted and I feal better about things already. I plan to keep you

posted on the outcomes of this, and I pray for the best as well. Please

keep up with the wonderful support. I am happy that you have shared

your gift of advice with me, and I hope you continue to help others for

many, many yers to come!

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 2:57 PM    

Labels: Advice, Family Advice, Perspective

Love Know’s No Heirarchy

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Love Knows No Heirarchy

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new great aunt, but because we lost our mother at an early age (12) I am also considered the grandmother because I have taken care of all my younger siblings all through their lives and have been there for numerous births. I am sure my sister wants first dibs on grandmother, but where do I fit in on giving advice etc .without stepping on toes? We have our first great-grand-baby due tomorrow.

Thanks, Lynn

Hi Lynn,

Wow, this is a bit vague but the title of this post speaks the answer, huh? As family, you have a right in the say so of all things, if you choose and the family member is receptive.
In today’s world, things are different than they were years upon years ago. We now have more step families but we’ve always had your situation, where a sibling raises the family. Unfortunately, especially in days gone by, the parent or parents often dyed young, leaving a sibling to do the rearing. There was often no choice. It commendable that you all got through it but to persevere is a dying art, as well.

Your Mother died and none of you are really the Grandmother, correct? But let me tell you this; I adopted my daughter, when she was 15 years old. She came into my home and became part of my family. In reality she is not my daughter, now is she? I did not give birth to her, do I have a right to want her to call me Mom? No, I do not have a right to it. There is no entitlement but it sure made me feel good when she starting calling me Mom and my husband Dad. In turn, when she had her first and only daughter, I was Grandma. I loved it, even though I was kind of young, when my Grandbaby called out to me, “Grandma.” It felt really good and I can understand.
Your situation is a bit different, is it not? I do not know just how close, you and you siblings are? If you are close, I invite you to sit down and talk about this. I do not mean to offend any of you but not one of you has the right to claim to be Grandma, really? So, for the sake of the child, you must work this out. When the child grows up, can they explain or can you explain to them the connection, the family tree? I think it is also honorable to want to fill that gap, that void, so the child does have a Grandparent. This is a touchy situation and I think it comes down to who is oldest, maybe? I am having a hard time answering this because it is evident that I don’t have the whole story? What is wrong with you all just being Aunts and Uncles, unless you’ve already started the process of changing roles? Is this what happened? You did say, that there were already, several births, right? Who is or have you already designated someone as Grandmother? If you are already, “Grandma,” why change it?

Even if you are or are not, you should be there, as family in all things. If this means that you give advice, it is because you care. Being a “know it all” and “my word is the law” is different than a family member that cares and wants only the best for their entire family, right? I think you only want the best for this child.

My Answer

Not one of you has the entitlement or reserve to call yourself “The Grandmother.” So, you must work it out amongst you and try not to confuse things and especially in regards to the child and their hold on understanding the family tree. Regardless of what you want or your sister wants, or the feelings involved, you must do the right thing to not confuse the child. I invite you to have your family read this. I invite you all, to then sit down and really talk this out. The child will love you regardless of title, if you are there, an active figure in their lives. They will most certainly, be a fortunate person, to have the love and thoughtfulness of an Aunt. Many people have little or no family. So, it is a wonderful thing, that you all care enough to give this new child a sense of family. I hope, you can all, work this out. Please send me more information, so I may understand, if this has not been helpful. I do hope things turn out well and for the interest of the children. My prayers are with you!

Hopefully a big Congrats is in order very soon.

Sincerely,

Aunt B

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 2:55 PM    

Labels: Advice, Family Advice, Perspective

Something’s Are Better Left Dead

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Some Things Are Better Left Dead

Monday, March 12, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Aunt B

 

I could really use some advice. I am currently a freshman at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. I dated an awesome girl for two years while I was in high school but decided to call it quits due to the long distance(I lived in Ohio during this time). After we broke up, my friends and I decided to plan a senior trip to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. During my time on vacation, my best girlfriend and I had sex. To add a third dimension, it was my brother’s ex. I have had a guilty conscious about it ever since, but have somehow kept it locked inside. This has had a tremendous impact on me because she was only the second person I ever had sex with. The third girl was at UAB(My College). Within the last couple of months, my ex-girlfriend and I have decided to get back together, but when the subject of sex came up I became really uncomfortable and lied to her. I want to tell her the truth, but am afraid it could ruin our relationship forever. What should I do? And should I tell my brother about me and his ex?

 

G

Aunt B said…

Dear Grant,

I feel you on this, right here, right now…
It’s odd that you would say this as I just spoke with my ex’s brother. I slept with him and fully understand that feeling, that guilt you speak of. That was almost 20 years ago, that I did the dirty deed. My husband (common-in-law) and I had broken up. He was extremely abusive. I put him in jail, after he put me in the hospital. His brother comforted me and you can take it from there. I immediately regretted it and always have. I have gone to my Higher Power and asked for forgiveness and I believe I am forgiven. But I do have guilt from time to time. I resumed a disastrous relationship with my husband. Maybe it was Stockholm Syndrome or just good old mental illness but I went on to have a 19 year relationship, before I got out. I never told him that I slept with his brother. In my case, he probably would have beat me half to death. I speak to him now and then because of our son. His brother answered the phone, thus my memory of the incident.
Now, this is different, your situation and I realize this. Your brother was no longer with this girl, right? I really don’t see what you did, sleeping with this girl as an attack or hurtful act upon your own brother. It’s an unwritten rule to not go out with your brother’s ex’s and that’s what it was, his ex.
I am all about confessing to a Higher Power, Priest, Rabbi, Confidant or whomever you trust, just to get it out. I may get some flack on this but…some things are better off dead.
I do not feel that, when you go into a relationship, that you owe them a sexual resume or list. Just as you do not owe them every single thing that you did as a child, teen, young adult, whatever, that you are not particularly proud of. In fact, I feel that, each relationship you start in, you start with a clean slate. What good does it do, to know who or how many people either of you, have slept with?

“Your” past is “Your” past, as well as her past is hers. You have no right to her past and she has no right to yours…leave it there, in the past. Now, don’t misconstrue what I am saying here; if you have not been practicing safe sex with each and every person, are you going to tell her/him? Probably not, so get tested. It is a murderous/unscrupulous act, to infect someone because you were not responsible.This is harsh but fact, ok? This is a huge black and white area here. Of course, we pretend there are gray areas here and we are not responsible. Every time you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with their past, especially, if they have not been responsible. In a perfect world, we would not have all these diseases but we do and they are so real and so very scary. I’ve seen it up close and personal, people dying from Hep C and AIDS/HIV. My first husband died from the effects of Hep C and I suffer from it as well. So, it’s very real.
“I never thought it would happen to me,” would be my famous last words, huh?

I know, without a doubt, some would say different, that honesty is the best policy but I feel, no one has a right to make you divulge every thing, every sexual partner or encounter. Do you really want to know every single guy, your girl has slept with? I mean really, you’ve got three on your roster. What if she has more or vice versa? It should not be a matter for discussion and I don’t know who made up this awful rule. Some things are better left dead.

When you start a relationship, a serious relationship, be faithful, start with a clean slate and be honest when it comes to your feelings with that person. What I mean is this; If you love them with all your heart, tell them. Communicate. If you are not happy and want out, don’t fool around and then go back and say, “Hey, uh, I don’t think this is working?” Now, you owe them honesty, you owe that relationship honesty and you tell them that you have been unfaithful and you move on. Hopefully, you’ll be honest and not get in that jam. It really hurts the most when you’ve been betrayed, the last one to know, when your relationship’s not working and your spouse or boyfriend, has fooled around. I truly loathe a liar, someone telling me that they love me but twisting the truth only to benefit their urges. They just love to make excuses for that behavior, too!

Your Answer

Get Tested. Assuming you get a clean result, you make it known that the past is the past and “They are your future. Them and only them and that’s what matters.” Go to your Higher Power and talk and tell. Be responsible in this and other relationships. Sex does complicate things, doesn’t it? Learn restraint. If this old relationship does work, do not complicate it with nonsense, that only clutters a clean slate. Be faithful to her or tell her it’s not working and move on before you look or shop somewhere else.

Mistakes are only mistakes, if you’ve not learned from them. If you learned from them, they are no longer mistakes, now they are, “Learning Experiences.” May you have many of these.

PS, You gotta watch those damn Spring Breaks. I went to Ocean City, Md. for Spring Break 1975 and came back pregnant. I didn’t think, nor did he, that that would happen! It changed and altered my life. Wear a condom!

This Comment was sent Aunt B via email

Mz. Babs

Thank you very much for the advice. I really needed that. It is very comforting to know that I’m not a huge asshole for not telling her the truth about my past sexual life. I also think it is a very good idea to go get tested. I haven’t thought about that I guess, but I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to know the truth. Thanks again, and you will definitely be hearing from me again if I need some guidance.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 2:52 PM    

Labels: Advice, Personal Relationships, Perspective, Sexual

Walking Through Fire

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Walking Through The Fire

Monday, March 05, 2007

Dear Aunt B,

My sister is 48 years old and is a widow. She receives $350.00/month for a
pension. She will not keep a job because she usually thinks the employer is
giving her a raw deal and has said she does not really want to work for
other people. She does not want a minimum wage job but she has no education
or skills. She has a son living at home who has two good jobs but he
refuses to pay any rent or utilities. The problem is she is about to have
her house repossessed because she cannot pay. I am not rich and make just
enough to stay above water. What should I do besides pray for her,
encourage her to get a job, and point her to local agencies for help in
training for a job or in avoiding foreclosure?

Aunt B said…

It occurs to me, that you are a kind and gentle soul. I would not want to be in your shoes, not at all. I feel for you as well as your sister.

I have owned homes and I have lost them, more than once. So, I know the devastation it can cause. At the same time, I feel like saying that sometimes we need to lose everything, to gain what is most important. This is a tough situation, it really is. I don’t know all the proponents of the game nor do I know if you’ve helped her in the past. Regardless, I think that you need to proceed with care, with caution. I would not want you, to lose your sister over this. Money should never come between family or friends but you are backed in a corner here.

My gut instincts tell me to say to you, that your sister has been so busy being a victim, she has lost touch with reality. I mean, is it realistic for a son to live at home and not help with the bills? You and I know that it is wrong. She is allowing this, apparently. Of course, the son, must have less scruples than genius? After all, if you could work, save money and not pay a dime out, would you not do it? The thing is though, he is doing it to his own Mom which is beyond incorrigible and loathsome. It is the son, that should be helping her, not you. But you knew that. I could almost understand it, if the son didn’t have a job but it almost makes it worse because he does, two to boot.

If you weigh it out, which I’m sure you have, you come to a few conclusions. If you help her, financially, you may, just prolong things. If you help her, it may send mixed signals, that all is right with the world as it is and nothing will be gained.

I do not like hurting any one, much less a family member but enabling them is just as bad. That means, your sister is enabling her son and if you help her, in a financial aspect, you are enabling them both. So, is there a solution here?

I think that it is time for your Sister to see the ramifications of her situation. If she needs to redefine her, “Values and Beliefs,” now is the time to do it. It’s easy to think we are all that and shouldn’t pay our dues. It is then, that we will be humbled. I had worked as a Chef for one of the Eastern Seaboards finest restaurants. But when I went to prison, they put me in the dish room. I had to work my way up the ladder to become 1st Cook. Woohoo! My point is that Sis needs to humble herself and realistically look at things. You can bet your butt, I know how she feels. She has a grown son, yet she can’t get a good paying job, fitting her life skills. It is humbling. Losing everything, hurts even more, so which shall it be?

Laying down a cushion will not bring around change and in turn, the behavior will continue. Unfortunately, I had to learn this “tough love” philosophy, myself. I have lived in my car and I know what it is to lose everything. I have gone to prison and come out with only the clothes on my back, a plastic cup and spoon and a bit of sanity. But I survived and in turn, I realized that my behaviors are what brought me down. It was a real kick in the teeth. I played the victim. I was abused, beaten and tormented but “I” allowed it. I only tell you this, so you see or know my affirmation with your theory, of steering her in the right direction and fervent prayer. I am a firm believer in prayer. I also believe that God does want us to rely on Him. He doesn’t like ugly and he sure has an aversion for stupid and those that play stupid. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss but when we consciously look the other way, God does find a way to wake us up. He’ll hold our hand, as we walk through the learning fires and comfort us when it’s over. We’ll then realize that the finest gold is tempered.
So, if you asked me, I’d say to tell your Sister, that you will pray with her, for her reassurance, wisdom and understanding. You will help her with the leads to agencies that may help her get on her feet, in a subsidized manner. That doesn’t mean you do it for her. That means, you might look through the resources available to her and give her the phone numbers.
I think, the key issue that poses itself to me, is your Nephew, her son. She has got to realize, that she is not being the good mother, she thinks she’s being. By allowing him to think he’s getting over, that he’s on a free ride, it has all the earmarkings of an entitlement personality. That is a behavior that facilitates a survivalist mentality. “I do what I have to do, to get along.” It is the kind of person that is willing to explain away right from wrong, good from bad. They are best at giving, every explanation in the world, to justify their behavior. He’ll make excuses to justify the very fact that he would take advantage of his own Mother, to meet his own trappings. I don’t like it but Mom, your Sister has got to put her foot down and stop being a victim here. She’s doing no one a favor. She’s the one, that’s going to suffer for it, while her son moves rosily along. He needs to step up to bat, man up and do the right thing. If he does not, mark my words, Mz.Karma will be calling.
Far be it from me to want to misdirect you. I advise you to pray fervently, for wisdom for yourself and your sister. Somehow, I feel if you can weather this storm and hold fast, not giving in, all the way, she will be forced to take action and do the right thing. The right thing would be, for her to require, from her son, some much needed assistance. He owes her that and it’s a sad state of affairs that you, her sister, should even have to worry like this. Sometimes, we have to pray with our soul, a prayer from deep within us for God’s will, to be done. Now, is one of those times, I believe, to pray and…”Let Go and Let God.”

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 2:05 PM    

Labels: Advice, Enabling, Family Advice, Perspective

Buffaloed

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Buffaloed?

 

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

There is this guy that just moved in and took over in my family. We don’t really know who he is and he has been around for the past five years or so. He is 36 years old and living with my parents. My brother won’t go anywhere unless he goes and he is forcing my parents to buy houses that they can’t afford. I tried talking to my dad and mom but they just wont listen. They think it’s all going to be ok and I don’t know what else to do. I want this guy out of the picture so we all can be a family again and so my daughter can be raised without thinking that’s her uncle. How else could I fix this without my parents getting mad at me?

 

Sincerely,

Lisa

Aunt B said…

Dear Lisa,

I am getting a gut reaction, as you obviously have. Something is not right but I can’t put my finger on it. As I read your email, red flags went up. I am not stirred wrong, when I listen to my spirit/intuition, which is exactly what you have been hearing. No, we’re not crazy, well maybe I am but you’re in the clear, hahaha!

There are a few things you can do. Of course, this answer will be a bit vague, as I don’t have every detail, to base my response on. My suggestions can be done in conjunction with one another.

First, if you feel safe enough to do so, you write a letter of intention to this guy, stating your concerns. You firmly state, that in a business sense, you are commanding him to back off, cease and desist any further business ventures, he proposes. You also state, that you will present your attorney, (even if you do not have or can not afford an attorney, you tell him this) a copy (cc) of the letter, you are handing him, stating your feelings, loud and clear; Cease and Desist.

Try to obtain, all the paper work on these houses. State, to your parents, that you would like to reveiw them, only in their best interest. It is apparent to me, an outsider, that this guy has an ulterior motive, right? I mean, why else would he have a vested interest in obtaining or having your parents invest in these homes. It is quite rare for anybody to do anything, of that nature, out of the kindness of their heart. No, I think this fella must be driven by a stake in the proceeds, in some way. This is what you need to investigate. Assuming that you do not have the money, to obtain counsel or a private detective, I would suggest you do a little investigative work on your own. If you are concerned about animosity between this guy or your parents, if you pry, I do believe it is public information for you to go to the courthouse and ask about each and every house and who is signed as the owners. I don’t know where you live but most states, do disclose, who owns a home, each and every partner or co-owner. Contact the State Tax Assessor/Commissioner or whomever it is that you pay homeowners property taxes to.. If this guys name is listed or your parents have co-signed on the homes for him, it will be crystal clear that this guy has motive.

Now, this may sound a bit far fetched but I would go to your local Police Station and ask to speak to a Fraud Detective. I’m not saying that this guy has done anything illegal. But you stated that you do not know this guy, right? I mean, he waltzed in and buffaloed your parents and you have a true concern, not to mention a bad feeling about it all, right?

If nothing else, I know how most Police Departments operate, as well as the average Detective. I pretty much know what makes them tick, as well. So, let me tell you what to do;

You want to know who this guy is and what he’s up to, correct? Then, you take yourself down to the station and speak with a Detective. If they ask you as to what it is regards to, you tell them, possible fraud. Then, you tell them you need to speak to a detective and will only speak to a detective. Once you have audience with the Detective, you tell him/her, exactly what is going on. You tell them, that you are concerned for your parents welfare and feel something is not right. Make sure you state that you have a suspicion that this guy is trying to take your parents for a ride and behaving in a fraudulent manner. They may say they have nothing to go on but I’ll betcha, they ‘ll look at this guy. If he’s done anything, in the past or has past criminal behavior, you can bet your butt, they’ll investigate it. Most detectives, unless their workload is super heavy, will quickly run his name, if nothing else. So in this respect, the police may be able to do what you can’t. You go in there and state your real concerns for your parents and explain the whole shebang, I’m inclined to believe that they will at least see if he has a criminal past and they may advise you as to how to proceed. It is what they are there for, so do not feel you are imposing. Do not feel like you are playing dumb. Actually, you are using every means possible to get to the bottom of this whole affair, with your parents, best interest, at stake. So, what I am saying is that you have every right to feel as you do and to take whatever action you may need to take, to secure their financial welfare. If that means, speaking to the Law, then you do it. I would start with the tax office and find out what you can. What you can not obtain, the Detectives can. The investigation is warranted, I feel and I think you are right for your concern. Now, go get ‘em!
Please let me know what goes down, I am intrigued, myself now!

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:47 PM

Labels: Advice, Criminal Behavior, Perspective, Taking Charge

Weathering the Storms in Marriage

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Weathering The Storms In Marriage

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I do not know it all, nor do I claim that I do. But I have learned a few things along the way. I’ve weathered, storm after storm in my life. Often times, I did not fare well, crumbled and cut my losses. Much of what has occurred to me, in my life, the good and the bad, has become ingrained. Most of it, I learned from.

I wrote a post on my blog Chronicles of Thankfulness, concerning marriage. Please read it, live and learn.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:46 PM    

Labels: Chronicles of Thankfulness, Marriage, Personal Relationship

The True Friendship Test

Thursday, March 15, 2007

The True Friendship Test

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

hey aunt b!
this is just a quick question, a friend is throwing a valentines party this
weekend and you have to go as a couple. i told my best friend i would go
with her but then today a boy that i have only recently become friends with
asked me to go with him in a jokey way so i thought he was messing about and
without thinking i played along and said ’sure’. my friend was standing
there when he asked and was all like ‘what was that about?’ she thinks he
meant it but i’m not sure if he did :s i don’t know what to do and if he did
mean it then what about my best friend?
love A*****

Aunt B said…

Dear A*****,

Well, I don’t know how old you guys are but this might be one of those Best Friend tests? You will find that your BF, may very well not be, your real BF, if she doesn’t understand and bow out gracefully. I mean, your BF could get jealous if you go with this guy, instead of her. If she does get jealous, she’s not much of a BF, now is she? But I have seen the very best of the best, just hate for you to get in a relationship, especially if they’re not in one. See, then all of a sudden, your attention is on this new guy. You’re not calling them as much anymore. No, you’d rather talk with your boyfriend, for hours, as you can never get enough of him. The phone rings, you answer it and it’s your BF and you’re almost disappointed that it’s not the guy. So, a wedge is often placed between you and your girl friend. That’s just how life rolls and you can only hope to not hurt anybodies feelings, along the way. If you think you like this guy, I would explain to your friend that you don’t want to hurt her or her feelings. But you’d really like to go with this guy so, you are hoping she would understand. Then you say,”You’re my absolute BF
, so I just know you are cool about this, right?” Then, you tell her, if it was her going out, you’d be excited for her. She may feel second rate but nobody ever said life is exactly fair. We all must learn to ask ourselves what we would do, if the situation was reversed. Would it make you jealous or upset, if she were asked, instead of you? It might sting a little, right? Your friendship may be tried but maturity dictates that you try to behave in an adult, kindly and considerate manner. This means; Suck it up and try to be happy for your friend, even if you are a tad bit jealous. You smile, fix your hair, put on some fresh gloss and act with dignity.
Yes, if you like this guy, go with him to the party and have your girl friend read this. See, you were concerned enough about not hurting her, that you wrote me, made me aware that you want to do right by this BF cause she means that much to you. True friendship never dies, players just go away mad

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:44 PM    

Labels: Advice, Friendship, Perspective, Teen Problems

New School Is In

Thursday, March 15, 2007

New School Is In

Sunday, February 11, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hi Aunt B,
My school prom is coming up soon and I have been told that a boy is going to ask me to go with him, this boy told me he liked me a few months ago and I told him I already have a boyfriend (but I don’t really) because I don’t like him in that way. After he told me, we stopped talking to each other because it was awkward, but recently we started talking again. Now, so soon after, he is going to ask me to the prom and I don’t know what to say. If I say yes I’m worried about what he will expect, for example do I have to stay with him the whole time and would I have to dance with him, because I would find that really awkward. Please could you help me with my decision.

Thanks,
S.H.

~~~

Aunt B said…

Dear S.H.,

You seem to me, like a considerate person or I don’t think you’d have bothered to ask me this question. I do not believe we are born with etiquette or even scruples, even moral fiber. It may be a learned behavior, passed down by our own parents, people who influence us and often those we respect the most. We also learn a beliefs and values system from the list of influences in our lives. I’ve even seen people who believe the crap on t.v. and soap opera’s and adapt from it. This is probably where you get your Golddiggers and guys who’d be more suited to be a Pimp, rather than a boyfriend. Lest I forget the old school pupils, especially guys, who believe a woman is to be sub servant and when you marry, she becomes your property to use and do with, as they see fit. Submitting to your husband out of respect, (note the word Respect), and being sub servant, are two different things, the latter puts a nasty taste in my mouth. See, it takes all kinds to make the world go round but it can all be attributed to the variables of our influence and what we choose to take on as our own values and beliefs. Get the picture?

You’ve not given me too much to go on, thus a vague and broad approach. So, I’ll try to cover the bases here. You’ve not stated, that you may believe, that you might not have a date for the prom? Is this why you are even considering going with this guy? I mean, for real, why else would you not simply tell this guy that you don’t want to go? But I also noted that you told him, when he asked you out, that you had a boyfriend, just to block his pursuit, right? Don’t think that I don’t understand. It’s very hard, to let someone down, who’s trying to be nice and you gave him the best, safest, last minute explanation, you could muster on the moment. Possibly?

You asked my opinion but I think you already know the answer. You must do as your heart dictates, right? Prom decorum is not my strong suit. I was off with the stoners, at the time. Then, at 16, not thinking it would or could happen to me, I got pregnant. This was life altering as I walked up the isle to the alter, four months after my 16th birthday. Is that why they call it,”Standing at the Alter”? So, I was never at a Prom but I know this much; you must treat others the same way you want to be treated.
If you don’t like people gossiping about you, not being honest, using you, making fun of you, stealing from you, fooling around on you, taking you for granted and the list could go on and on, then you don’t do or behave any way, you wouldn’t or shouldn’t behave. I am a firm believer in Mz.Karma and what comes around, goes around. This is one of life’s little lessons, I had to learn the hard way. Prison is full of people, who’ve met Mz.Karma. Society calls it justice but as I sat in Prison for 3 1/2 years, I got to know and love Mz.Karma. She taught me well, all about treating people as I wanted to be treated. Yes, this is a harsher version of life and I seriously doubt you will end up as I did. I tell you this as a life lesson, for good reason. We all, formerly meet Mz.Karma Bitchslap, in one way or another, even on a small basis. If you remember these words and practice them, all the days of your life, she’ll be your best friend. You can sit back, with amusement and watch as she deals with people everyday, in every way. Those with no compassion, will endure the likeness of that which they did not understand. Those that lived with disregard, towards others, will know her on a first name basis and she will give them a jagged pill to swallow. I know, I lived it.
I am not implying that you behaved sordidly. I am telling you all this, so you may make your own decision. I feel things, I can not explain. We’ll call it “Intuitiveness.” I am also very Empathic. My intuition tells me that you’re a good hearted person who is an individual/independent person, who marches to their own drummer. You want to do the right thing, I know this. So, ask yourself this; if the tables were turned and you wanted to go to the Prom with this guy cause you thought he was all that and you asked him to go to the Prom, what do you want from him? Do you want him to say yes, only to kinda dump you, you know, once you get there? Would it hurt you, for him to walk away and dance with other girls and then, leave with his friends for the after Prom parties? Then, you’d probably be wondering why he even said “yes”, when you asked him to go with you?

If you do choose to go with this guy, it won’t kill you to dance with him and to hang out. You may find it truly nice to be with someone who thinks you’re all that. Live without regret. If you don’t think you can get over that awkward feeling, which is worse…sitting home on Prom night or going and telling yourself that it’s a date, hopefully, the first of many, in your life and you will commit to having a good time. Going to Prom does not give him license to act like an ass and to push you to do something you’re not comfortable with. Do I read between the lines that this may be your concern, that he may want to cash in on his investment? If this is the true reason you are apprehensive, then let’s approach this, ok?
Every chick in the world needs to know this; going on a date with any guy does not mean that you owe them jack shit. Nor does a guy buying you a drink, once you’re old enough to go out clubbing or whatever. If he buys you dinner and diamonds, it still is not an invite or obligation that you must put out. If you meet a guy who’s like this, it’s a good indication that he’s a peckerhead not worth wasting your time with. True love is rarely found in a one night stand or giving into a guys advances early in the program. Oh sure, they’ll talk shit but deep in their mind, they’re thinking you’re easy and not the kinda chick they’d want to meet their Mom. Nope, they’re actually thinking that you’re a sleazebucket who puts out and you can bet your butt, all his buddies will know all about it. If this is your real concern and the true meaning of your angst and awkward feeling about this dude, then you must read and re-read this.

If you then choose to go out with this guy on Prom night, I want you to wear one of Aunt B’s Bitch belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I’m talking about is not what some people think or understand. I’m talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we’ve, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or “I am woman, hear me roar.” But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a “Bitch.” I’m wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We’re not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We’re the new woman and we’re standing proud. We’re pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She’s a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else’s expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he’s a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you’ll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won’t give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date. It’s a test for you both. Is his motive, to take you to Prom and then get into your pants? Can you go out, on Prom night, have a good time, enjoy his company and stand your ground?
Put on your Bitch Belt and wear it like Prada, Sister!

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email…

Thanks so much for your advice! It was very helpful and somewhat inspirational
I’ve learned a lot from your advice and it has helped me and will definitely help me in the future as well!
Thanks again
S.H.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:42 PM    

Labels: Advice, Assertive Bitch, Empowerment, Going to Prom, Mz.Karma Bitchslap, Perspective, Teen Problems

The Domino Effect

Thursday, March 15, 2007

The Domino Effect

Thursday, February 08, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi Aunt B… this is the first time I’ve ever asked for advice from anyone
and you seem like a nice person to ask, so here goes

My name is ***** and I’m 15, and there is a girl that goes to my school who
a lot of my friends are friends with (if that makes sense). We went out for
about a week, but she dumped me for some1 else, some1 she had known longer
and went out with him. She explained to me why and I have no hard feelings
against (sorry i cant spell) him. That relationship lasted about a month. Now
its about 1 and a half months later and shes been alienating people. Shes
angry at her best friend and thinks that everyone thinks shes bitchy and
apathetic, and thinks no one cares. She told me a few days ago that I’m one of
the only people she can talk to anymore. I really care about her and want
her to know that I care without seeming to try to win her back. Her sister
moved away not long ago and i know that no1 can comfort her like she does,
but i want her to know that she is cared about and that she still has
friends that will be their for her.

Sincerely,

misunderstood existence

Aunt B said…

Dear Misunderstood Existence,

You already earned my respect and props, for being a stand-up guy. I just wanted you to know that.
I am almost as old as God but I sure can remember what young love, gone awry, can be and feel like. I take it, that you like this girl but don’t want to seem like you are hitting on her or have D.L. intentions, right? You’ve already proven, at least to me, that your intentions are more than honorable. You would be a liar, if you told yourself that you didn’t have a wish, that this chick would view you in a different light, right? Well, there’s not a thing wrong with having honest emotions, my friend. Own them , keep them in check and listen to me.
Every true and long lasting relationship, starts with friendship. Most long term couples, found that they stayed the distance because they were with their best friend. When a couple digs in, for the long haul, it is usually with someone of similar interests. It must be someone you enjoy talking to. It must be someone you enjoy pleasing, remember this, all the days of your life, ya hear me? Repeat it in your head. It has to be someone that you respect, as a person. If you respect that person, you will trust them, their emotions, trust them to hold your love for them above all things.
Now, I know you have not mentioned love. A good example of young love is this; Have you been in love yet? I’ll bet you have, she has, I have, we all have. First, there are so many types and kinds of love and even more definitions. As you grow older, how you look at and embrace love, changes and evolves. Young love is a proving ground. My point was or is, have you fallen head over heels in love, they took your breathe away, when you saw them, you thought you couldn’t live without them and they became your whole world? If you’ve not yet, felt this, you will. You have all this emotion wrapped up, in this one person and they let you down or hurt you, did some kinda dirt and you broke up. You walked away thinking, “Just what in the h*ll did I see in this person, they are so nasty?” They may be literally ugly to you because…love is dumb, blind, crippled and crazy…just the way it should be. Looks should never matter but love does tend to help you overlook a persons shortcomings, thank goodness. True love, does not search for fault, remember that!
I tell you all this, not to down play your feelings and emotions or your girls. I tell you, so you can see that love is a tricky bugger. But the true stuff, the right stuff, the kind dreams are made of, come from true to life friendship, first and foremost.
I’m telling you to be her friend. Be that person she knows she can count on and talk to. Tell her that you’ll be there for her, as her friend and state that you’re not trying to hit on her. Make it clear that there are no strings attached to your friendship, it’s free and real.

The Clincher

You must prepare yourself. She may take your offer and run with it, only to begin dating or seeing someone else. You may always be nothing but a friend. It may even be painful to stand on the sidelines, cheering on, a chick, you have feelings for. But at the same time, through your friendship, no strings attached, you may get to know her and find that you really have nothing in common but friendship. This is why, years ago, people dated, a long time, before they became serious and took their relationship to the next level, get my drift? That next level can complicate things, tremendously. You’ve got to be strong in the best friend department before you can with stand, marriage, sex, children, finances and all the other crap that real couples must weather. Comprenda?

The Domino Effect

Your friendship is gonna be the most important part, the integral piece to your relationship whether it is with this girl or any girl, ever. By being her friend first, she may become close to you. Most chicks marry a guy they felt safe with, emotionally, unless she’s a gold digger. You let her be safe with you. You listen to her and her feelings, I mean, really listen.
If it’s meant to be, she’s gonna see that you are really a good guy. She may eventually see that you listen to her. This is one of the first mistakes, a guy makes, cause he didn’t listen. Most chicks love to talk about themselves. So, if you try to get to know her and are inquisitive, she’ll see a natural interest but she’ll feel safe, to open up and give you more of herself, more than she gives others. Be that friend, who she can count on, who listens. If it is meant to be, it’ll all fall in to perfect order, just like a Domino Effect.
Let me know, down the line, how things go and feel free to contact me anytime, lovie.

Big Hugs,
Aunt B

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:39 PM    

Labels: Advice, Domino EffectMisunderstood, Guy Stuff, Perspective, Teen Problems, Young Love

Wild Horses

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Wild Horses

Thursday, February 01, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hi Aunt B,

I’ve been having this issue with a co-worker. I’ve worked at this bar for 2 years now and have worked with him the whole time. After about 6 months he started kinda flirting with me, nothing to take to heart. I would just catch him staring at me a lot and he would make little comments about sex, the kind of talk you would expect in a bar environment. I knew he had a girlfriend that wasn’t very nice, she came into work all the time and would start screaming at him then they would go outside. I’m not sure what they fight about and it was really none of my business. However I have seen him on a few occasions taking someone other then his GF home after we closed. So after a few months of him flirting with me I got drunk and told him I liked him. Actually I told him “I was going to hump him someday” Gosh what a pickup line uh. lol Anyway I’m pretty sure he got the picture. Then my friend was talking to him and he said he had a GF and I though ya know thats cool. I’ve seen him cheat on her but perhaps he was letting my down easy and just didn’t like me. So things we awkward for a lil bit but we got over it. That was last July. So then we started talking again, and once again he started flirting with me. Like when he would put limes in a beer he would move them in and out in a seductive way and when I look up at him he stares straight into my eyes with those “I want you” eyes. He calls me “My Love” and hugs me all the time. We are just really extra sweet to each other constantly and I really really like him. After all this time he still make my heart skip a beat, and I cant sleep at night, I think about him all the time and his hugs make all the problems in the world just disappear. Did I mention he is smokin hot, with beautiful blue eyes. lol I’m pretty sure all we would have is a one night stand, but I think we would be a great couple, but I’d settle for anything from him. So after all this time of us playing around nothing is happening. He is still with his GF, and we still flirt horribly. Am I just reading him wrong? He doesn’t act that way to the rest of the girls. Pretty sure he knows I still like him. Do you think he is just playing me so I keep taking good care of him when we work? Should I just stop flirting so much and move on or try harder to get him? I would hate to always wonder what if. How is it possible for a guy to break my heart and we never even dated.

 

 

Lonely and Confused in

South Dakota

Aunt B said…

Dear Lonely and Confused,

My first reaction is, to live like you were dying. But after careful thought, I would not tell you that. I realize he is hot and I sure remember that, “take my breath away” feeling. I want you to consider one thing; if he has a girlfriend, already and behaves as he does, what makes you think he would not do this to you? Would you be setting yourself up, for a hurtful scenario? Obviously he’s a Playboy. Now, you may be the exception to the rule but please process this, look, listen and watch. His track record shows that he is not loyal and trust worthy, is he? If a guy already has this “fool around” mentality, it is not easy to change short of threatening his life. That worked for me but not before a lot of heartache, seriously. No, he must not be happy in his relationship. But why does he stay in it? Is he using her? She’s obviously a bitch but he stays with her and just fools around. Why is this? There’s always a motive. Maybe she offers stability. Maybe, she’s a bitch because she’s got an idea that he is so flirtatious? Regardless, the fact of the matter is that he stays with her and if they’re not married, he’s not obligated. So, why does he behave this way? I’ll tell you why; because he can and will.

Flip the Script

The other side of the coin is this; I am a true believer in what comes around, goes around. I am on a first name basis with…. Mz.Karma Bitchslap, we go way back. We met on bad terms and she whipped my ass. But now, for the most part, we’re the best of friends. I tell you this for one reason; Karma. You know he’s in a relationship, even if it is floundering and he claims to be unhappy. Only do what you want done to you in return, ok? If you want to know the pain of being fooled around on, go ahead but if you have scruples, you’ll think this one through.

Solution

You can completely ignore him or you can begin a master plan. If you are really interested and you know he is not happy and you do want to pursue him, you need a nice warm cup of steaming passion and honesty. If he gets close enough and you know he is really flirting, on a serious level, you talk to him. With all the passion you can muster, you look your best, look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. That you know he is with somebody and for that reason, you will not go out with him. Then, you tell him that if he ever decides to be nice and play fair, to look you up. You may get a mixed emotional reaction but it will hit home. Don’t fall prey to his games. Don’t allow him to play you. No, I want you to play him and take charge. If he’s really interested, he’ll clean his nasty ass ways up, think about how much he’ll respect you because you are not a pushover. He just might realize that you are the one filly, he couldn’t break. Wild horses, girlfriend. Remember, when you walk away from him, after your little conversation, I want you, to strut your shit, ya hear. Leave him looking at what could be, on your terms. One last thing; if I never hear from you again I want you to remember one thing…never be stupid when it comes to your man. If you’ve seen him in action, don’t ever underestimate his ability to hurt you. Trust is one thing, stupidity is another, meaning, you never feed your man to the she-wolves. Don’t leave him unattended. Meet his sexual needs, keep your appearance up and try to maintain the spark. If you do all this, he should not have to shop any where else, right?
I wish you the best in this endeavor Feel free to email me, if I can chat with you again. Keep me abreast as to the outcome, please.

Big Love,

Aunt B

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:37 PM    

Labels: Advice, Cheating, Confused?, Guy Behavior, Keep the Spark, Mz. Karma Bitchslap, Perspective, Playboys, Sexual Needs

A Flower Blooms

Thursday, March 15, 2007

A Flower Blooms

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Egyptian Flower

This was sent to Aunt B via Email

Dear Aunt B,
am a 19 years old Egyptian gal . i’ll try to keep my story short. 6 months ago friends of my family were invited over and we were there too.next day grandpa told me that their son said he admires me (keeping in my mind we didnt speak a word together) next thing i know we’re all out again . to be honest that day we talked , not much about life , but that little bit gave me a good impression . we all traveled in a couple of days and there started the disaster. I started realizing we’re not compatible at all, when i said so my parents thought i had a problem and they nagged about me giving him another chance . They actually never stopped underestimating me and saying am not worth better than him . first i thought i had commitment fear issues and decided to give him another chance. I started treating him real well although i never for once felt i loved him ! During those 5 new months i realized he’s a big liar , a trouble maker and someone who totally does not care about me. He tells me my mom told him stuff than when i ask her she says she never said such things. He talks badly about my parents , does not respect my opinions , friends or anyone. We’re always fighting and he always calls my mom to get her to convince me give him another chance. a couple of days ago we had another fight ( always stupid ones , that this one was about me waving to a guy i know who was passing beside us), that was when i really hit rock bottom , i told him that was not gonna work out and that i wont take it anymore. like every time he sent me a flower ( i dont believe this is out of apology , i think it’s just to show my parents he does nice things ) this time it didnt work for me either and i just could not call him . his mom called yesterday to know what happened and that is when she knew everything and she made him call me after that( although he didnt call all day long to check on me knowing that i have exams and am upset with him ) when i asked him if he was going to call alone without someone telling him ,he said no. The thing is i was gonna end this yesterday but again he said he’ll change , i honestly listened to this i will change from him a 100 times and he never changes a bit. i dont know what to do , i dont like him anymore and at the same time i dont want to upset my mom because she really wants this to work out.
i really need your advice am so torn apart .
yours sincerely
anonymous-gal

Aunt B said…

Dear Anonymous Gal,
Far be it from me, to put a wall between you and your family, especially, your Mom. But if you are saying these things and feel all this, from an early stage in the relationship, then I think you should listen to your gut instincts, what your Spirit dictates. You seem, rather wise for your years and you also seem responsible, even with your emotions. You are 19 years old, an adult, here in the U.S. but I do know that old school Egyptian protocol would be to listen to your Mother, always. You must respect her, right? Always respect your Mom but take control of your life. You are not a little girl and they must not treat you as such. Mom is trying to make things work, as he obviously, has snow balled her, pulled the wool over her eyes.
Something does not sit well with me, on this. I have a bad feeling that he will not change and it may get worse.
Out of respect, I think you need to sit down with Mom and tell her, that you love and respect her. Tell her that she must look in to your eyes and see the pain this guy causes you. She must try to see that, you already know that he will not make you happy because of the lying and manipulation he uses, so easily. Obviously, your heart and soul, does not trust him. He uses your Mom against you and that right there is so wrong. You may have to tell her that he has been manipulating her too. You can not do, say or think, in an underhanded way, all in the name of love. He has done this. Tell Mom, that you simply need time away from him. If it is truly meant to be, he’ll wait and he’ll wait patiently. Between you and me, I don’t think he will really wait. My gut insinct tells me that he may be a control freak. If he is, it only validates his manhood, if he controls another. The test will be, if he waits or he moves on quickly. You are young and have time. I know it often feels like you must have things right, right now, today. But you have time. I get the feeling that you are attractive, not beautiful but very attractive, inside and out. You will have no problem moving on, finding another. But time is on your side, keep saying this to yourself. There’s nothing worse than growing old and having regrets. But if you live your life with the mind set, that you will try to live without regret, you be doing yourself a big favor.
Step away from the situation, as soon as possible. Tell Mom, you really need time to think. Tell her that you respect her opinion and you want her blessings, in whatever you do. Hold her face, make her look into your eyes. Make her see the pain, this guy brings to you. Make sure that she understands, that something is not right and you need time. See, she really only wants you to be happy. But this guy has her seeing the side, he wants her to see and not the whole story. If she has faith, tell her, that you need her to pray about this, that the scales will be taken down from the seeing eye, of her soul. Tell her to search her own soul for the truth and you do the same.
Time is on your side. You do not have to do anything, right now. If he is pressuring you, tell him to back off, that you need time. Confront him with the lies and deception and tell him this is not a good start for any relationship. You may also, tell him to write me, even though I doubt he would. I would just love to hear his side of this story, though. There are always 3 sides to any story, right? There’s yours, his and the facts. There is always a reason behind the things we do, a motive to the madness. As example, when you waved at that guy, he became very jealous. Though it may not be right, it may be a normal reaction, right? I mean, if he was waving, all friendly, to some good-looking, really hot chick, how would you feel? Would it cause any jealousy on your part? Always place yourself in their shoes. This will help you understand, why he does, what he does. I think he’s desperate, thus he has done the things, he’s done.

The Solution

I think you should speak to Mom and really tell her, just how badly this sits with you. Tell her that something is not right and she is not seeing it. Pray that she will. If you are not a believer, then I suggest, that you own your emotions, own your life by taking the control back. Refuse to be forced into a life, love, situation and possibly marriage, based on a lack of trust, deception and under handed behaviors. Then, test the waters. The true exam for this guy to pass, is if he will allow some time between you. If he really loves you, he will wait and think about why, you need time. It may be a wake up call, for him. Never change who you are for anybody. Bending is one thing but to alter the core of your very being, is wrong. Allow me to point out the fact, that you can not really change him, either. He has ingrained behaviors, life long values and beliefs. It takes quite the person to completely change this. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks but it usually takes a shock collar. In other words, if he might truly improve himself, to be honest, trusting and an above board kinda guy, he must have the shock of his life and he must truly be in love with you. Let him prove it. Yes, you are worth it, you are all that and never think any less of yourself. I can already tell, or feel, that you are a good woman and you will be a good wife. Here, let me beat this into you, lol! It’s all about time, girlfriend and time is on your side. Sit Mom down, tell her from your heart, let her see this as it actually is. You have arrived as a woman, when you can respect and appreciate your Mother and she then becomes your friend, someone you not only love but like. Take control, in a respectful manner and have her sit with you, not as your Mother but as your life long friend. Once you are able to do this, all else will fall into place. Remember, you have a right to be happy, ok?
Please let me know how all this goes, please? I wish you only the very best and a very happy life. You are worth it. Did you hear me? Yes, you are so worth it. You are a beautiful flower, just beginning to bloom.

Big Love,

Aunt B

I received this comment back from Anonymous Gal…

Dear Babs
you have no idea how your reply made me feel . I really appreciate your caring and am so sorry to hear about your surgery hope it is nothing serious. I am a believer and believe that things will always go to the right direction even if i don’t see it now. I will keep praying and i already talked to mom the other day . he has a last chance to prove his love and to change , because that could be the only thing that would make this relationship move forward. pray for me and thank you for thinking highly of me . I will certainly stay in touch with you . I appreciate having you as a friend. Wish you all the luck with your surgery , i will pray for you and hope you get well soon. Please tell me when you are back safe and sound .
hope you get well soon and thank you very much for making my day with your lovely words.
yours sincerely

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 1:35 PM    

Labels: Advice, Commitment, Confronting, Jealousy, Parent Blessings, Personal Relationships, Perspective, Respecting Mother, Teen Problems, The Test

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Priorities and Perspective=Solution

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Priorities and Perspective=Solution

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

In March of 2005, before Anthony and I were together, he met a girl on an online dating service. They had a one night stand. A few days later he emailed her and told her that he didn’t feel it would work and he didn’t want to see her again. The next day she told him she was pregnant. Anthony was honest with her from the very beginning by telling her that there was no chance they would be together. He tried to convince her that abortion or adoption would be best based on the situation. When she insisted on having the baby he told her he would support her decision and pay her support, etc. She continued to “fatal attraction” pursue him. He maintained he wasn’t interested in her. Shortly after this Anthony and I met hit it off and I moved in. This enraged this other woman. She fought with Anthony her entire pregnancy. She refused to give his son his last name. She named the baby Cooper because Anthony told her he didn’t like it. She told him he wouldn’t be allowed in the delivery room (later she did allow i