Riding That Vicious Cycle

Dear Agony Aunt of Mines,

As all of your letters start I shall begin with the same:

The time you’ve took to read this letter I cannot give back to you, nor do

I have something of any interest to give in return, or anything I can do

for a reply but say that a stranger is sitting on the other side of the

world in a room by himself, at 01:30 in the morning writing a letter;

looking for help.

I’ll begin back in Scotland just over three years ago after finishing

University I went through a stage of mild depression (self diagnosis).

since a young age I had worked towards my current status as a qualified

Kayaking instructor, qualified abseiling instructor, British European and

World champion bagpipe player, loads of friends, I was in great physical

shape as well. I even applied to get in to the Royal Air Force (RAF)…I

had it all going for me.

Then all of a sudden, something changed. First the bagpipes kinda lost

interest when I was teaching (I just put it down to, I’d conquered the

tournaments and the challenge had disappeared), I thought it was just

because I’d gotten so far and wasn’t going to get any better…so I quit.

Soon after gradually the kayaking and the outdoor side of me lost its

interest too. Over a period of a year my whole social outlook in life

faded. Mood swings and loss of a steady sleeping pattern became apparent

over time too.

I had nothing. No hobbies like I used to, to career aspect and the pilots

training I decided wasn’t for me, and soon enough I wasn’t quite the

muscular person I used to be… I was in a rut just like I am now. I even

got myself into a little debt trying out new things to put that spark

back into my life, with no avail. Time passed and somehow Kevin (who was

a distant friend at the time) invited me over to Denmark. 3 years later I’m

still trying to fill the gap that was my life before I lost interest in

everything. As it stands now; I’m (slightly) overweight, I have a shit

job. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over 4 years because I’m boring and I

know it. And I have 40,000 kroner debt. (4000GBP)

The saddest part to the whole thing, is if even if I fight all my short

term problems: get rid of the debt, get into good shape again, etc etc…

I have nothing to look forward to, nothing.

I want nothing, I have no interest in any job aspect, and I’ve even given

up on trying to find a girl/girlfriend. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in

a rut, a big deep rut.

So I ask of you, what’s the secret to putting the spark back into life when

You’ve tried everything you liked/wanted for and lost it all? When there’s

no light at the end of the tunnel and something inside you asks why isn’t

it there? Please help me.

Well Darlin’, you’ve captured my heart with the Bagpipes. I love them and for me, they hold a rich sense of history. My family is Irish/Scot and I am Indian. My heart is held by the sound of bagpipes.

From what I gather, you are an extremist. You are the kind of guy who lives on the edge, jumps out of airplanes, lives for the adrenaline. If you are not doing something extreme, you don’t feel alive. It sounds like you’ve maxed out though, huh?

My initial reaction is that you are battling depression. This coupled with your lack of sleep can cause a significant change in your complete make-up and how you view your life, your love and things in general. This situation seems a bit complex. I would suggest counseling but somehow, I have the impression, that you are not the “Going to Counseling” type? Since I believe this is the case, all I have to offer is a bit of perspective.

Depression is a tricky bugger. It’s like a Spanner, peeking in on your life and it can hold you hostage. You then sit there and wonder just how the hell it got in?(Take this test, from the post prior to this)

Let me offer a couple of suggestions here; Sleep is so important, get it, do it, make it. If you don’t want to take sleeping pills from your Doctor, you can get some Benadryl, OTC.
The key ingredient in Tylenol PM is Diphenhydramine HCl, which is also the generic name for Benadryl’s ingredients. In other words, you can buy a generic form and look for the active ingredient, “Diphenhydramine.” This may get you back in that sleep loop. You may begin to feel better, even from a good nights sleep.

Now, there’s no data to support this, that I have found but I have a theory about,
“Extreme Behaviorists.” I am an extremist myself and so is my ex-husband. It can actually be, somewhat of an addiction. You live for the thrill, of your behavior and once you become an extremist, it’s understandably hard, to break old habits. Some people, who are extremists, create chaos in their life, when they are not, “On the edge.” They may become argumentative, just for the sake, of the chaos it brings. Once you’ve behaved in an extreme manner, it’s hard to find consolation, with the mundane. It seems dull and unrewarding. Believe it or not, the data and text, concerning addiction, shows similar behaviors. Once you’ve “jazzed up” your life with drugs, when you are not high, things just don’t catch your interest. Now, I am not implying, that you and a drug addict, are one and the same, let me make that clear. You did not even mention any form of addiction, or the lot. I simply point this out because you may benefit from some of the Recovery tricks and tweaks. If you research it and some of the advice from professionals, you’d find that the key, to overcoming addiction, is in making yourself aware of some of your own quirks and behaviors. They use an example or acronym referred to as, “H.A.L.T.,”which stands for, *Hungry…Angry…Lonely…Tired
it encourages us not to become too:
HUNGRY: When we dislike ourselves, we neglect and deprive our bodies of the balanced diet we need.
Food is a source of nurturing. Our bodies are ours to keep and care for so that we may understand
and carry out God’s will for us. When our bodies cry for attention, we no longer have time
for the spiritual program necessary for recovery.
ANGRY: When we choose not to deal with a situation immediately, there is a possibility that those feelings we are afraid to express will become resentments that we may later use as an excuse to drink or use drugs.
LONELY: When we believe that we are either better or worse than other people, we dig ourselves into a
hole of self-pity, feeling unique in our differences. We soon begin to feel the loneliness of such
isolation, and we tell ourselves that it is a good reason to drink or use drugs.
TIRED: When we can’t make sense out of anything and life overwhelms us, it is possible we have run
ourselves into a screeching HALT. We have filled our lives with so many activities that we have no
time for reflection.

I do not imply this acronym, to you in a sense of addiction to drugs but an addiction to extreme behavior.
Sex is another issue or situation, that can become humdrum, if you are used to pornography, fetish, S & M and the likes. I say this for perspective but if you have been doing a lot of kinky stuff, on a continual basis, going back to the missionary style, may seem boring. Do you see the correlation, I am making here? If we do things, all through life in an extreme manner, it’s sure as hell not going to get you excited to sit on the couch, is it? On the other hand, I think what has happened, is you topped out. You burnt your candles at both ends, did it all, per say and feel there’s nothing left. But is this really true? Is there nothing left?

I think you burned out and then fell into depression. Depression will cause sleep problems. It’s a vicious cycle and one feeds off the other. But I think you know this, right? So, we need to find a way to climb out and put things into perspective, correct?

To start, let’s look at things realistically. You are now older, this is a fact. I don’t know your age but I’d be willing to bet, you are having a hard time getting older. We don’t have to let go of dreams and desires, as we grow older but we often have to modify them. In your 30’s, no matter what you do, you may never be that spry, spunky monkey you were in your 20’s. But you can keep in shape. My first suggestion is to start to work out again. I don’t mean go hog wild but a moderate amount of exercise is going to make a man, like you, feel better. Once you begin to feel better about yourself, you will begin to “wear” that persona on the inside and out. Right now, you don’t feel good about you but I can tell at some point you were a man to be reckoned with. You can get that edge back and begin to feel better, by getting out and working out again. When you were in better shape, you felt better about yourself and how you looked. Start a little every day, walking and build up your exercise regimen. I guarantee, you will begin to feel better.

Complacency Breeds Complacency

You have not done it all, let me point this out. You need to challenge yourself and start with the exercise. Rome was not built in one day, so you need to start somewhere, right? Start by looking in the mirror. You obviously are not happy with you. It’s clear to me, that you are very hard, on yourself. It’s even clearer, that there’s a reason, you feel the need to “Perform.” A man is not measured by his feats but by how good-hearted he is. Your systems, values and beliefs need to be put under a microscope. I want you to realize that you were only doing yourself harm, if you believed, that a man, is only respected, by how hard he is, body and mind. I respect your feelings of wanting to be the very best, let me make that known. But there comes a time, when you have to realize that you do not have to win constantly and you sure don’t have to be the best at everything, to be respected. It’s commendable, to be good, at all the things you have done but I want you to begin to be good at just being you. Relax your thinking a little and your assessment of your own self-worth. I think you are really tired of trying so hard, just to be you. Maybe it’s time to re-invent yourself?
Someone you respect, taught you that you have to excel and win. These are really good qualities, if you know where the cut off point is, where you can relax. You gave up, instead of just relaxing some of your beliefs and then you became disgusted with yourself. You need a half-way point here.

1. Start with getting a good nights sleep. This plays a huge role in how we perceive all things and how we feel. Some people are proud of the fact that they don’t sleep. They’re usually cranky bastards too! So, get some sleep on a regular basis.
2. Begin to exercise, even if it’s to go to the park and walk. You may not remember how good it feels to work up a sweat but I’m willing to bet that once you do, you’ll feel refreshed.
3. Relax and stop holding yourself to such high expectations. Enjoy life and go with the flow. You’ll begin to breathe differently.
4. Just be you, not the Lion after the prey, on guard and ready to pounce. When you feel that anxiety, like you need to be doing something extreme and feeling guilty because you are not doing it, put on your favorite music and just relax.
5. Stop believing that you have to live an extreme lifestyle to measure up.

I think once you implement these 5 things, you’ll stop that vicious cycle that’s got you hobbled. Each thing will fall into place and when you begin to feel better, you’ll look better. As we get older, we must often accept that our body does not cooperate as it once did. This you must come to terms with and accept. You can however get comfortable in your own skin. I encourage you not to be so superficial and accept you for who you are. Begin to love yourself again and in turn, you’ll be able to love another. Did you realize that you may be putting off negative energy, that people, specifically women can sense? Who wants to go out with a ball of bad energy? Stop it and start just being you. Become aware of this possibility and you will see the difference if you change it. Oh, and stop being such a perfectionist. I can feel it. Now, just do it!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Grab A Star

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi ya,
I’m 18 and don’t have a job at the moment and it gets me down a lot
because I cant go out and see my mate. I have to rely on my Mum and I’m really
bored of day time t.v but theres a big problem because I know I need a job but
I just can’t get up out of bed and look for one please help. why is it I know
what I have to do but just won’t. Why?

~~~

Hey Sweetie, One side of me wants to put a foot in your butt, just I’ve had to with my own sons. But the other wants to hug you and tell you, it’s gonna be alright. I just so have happened to see depression, up close and personal. I think this may be part of your issue? Your letter is too vague for any real assessment but I can give you some perspective.

Don’t think for one minute that I do not understand, ok? I’ve been so depressed and full of anxiety that I was virtually paralyzed. I have been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Battered Woman’s Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Did I mention my addictions? I am a mess but I have grown and so will you.

Sometimes our lives feel as if we have no control, no hope and no future. It’s sure easy to fall into the trappings of a situation, our lives, just not what we’d hoped for. It can be disappointing, huh? But here you are, at the start of your life and you are spinning in one spot. Let’s look at the possibilities, ok?

It may be Depression and I have given you some tests, definitions and links at the bottom of this post. If you are depressed, you may not be able to climb out alone. I would seek counseling, two heads are better than one, right? You may very well have a legitimate need for medication. Depression can run in families. My own family has been touched by it. My husband, I and my children, all have varying degrees. Before my husband died, I didn’t know about depression, not really. My husband was very depressed, most of the time. I would get extremely angry with him and thought he just needs to get off his lazy ass and do something. I had no idea just how devastating it can be. I think, a lot of the population has no understanding of depression and they can certainly be cold and calloused about those that don’t fit into the mold that Society dictates as how a normal citizen should behave. You understand what I mean? They expect everybody to be able to go to school, and then go to work 9 to 5, raise a family and be productive. There’s not much tolerance if you do not adhere to their plans for success in citizenry.
If you have a form of depression, medication may help you, as well as therapy. But let me point this out to you…having depression gives you no license to sit in your own crap and not do anything about it. If you see that you have a problem, seek help. It will not come to you, right? Make a phone call to your Human Services, Mental Health Services or even a Hotline. They may and will steer you where you need to go.
I believe you know something is not right or you’d not have written, huh?

Perspective

Self-esteem, may very well be another issue? I am more than aware of how difficult it can be to leave your home, go to a job interview and wait to be, figuratively kicked in the teeth. The mere thought of being rejected by a potential Employer, can be paralyzing, huh? I’d bet you are sitting there and you sabotage yourself? You are telling yourself, that no one wants to hire you? Well, with that attitude, you have to ask yourself, if you’d hire you, right? Stop it!

Every single person has something to offer to society, every single person. Now, we need to hone in on your strengths and look at your weaknesses in a positive way.
First, look at what you have to offer an employer. Don’t tell me nothing either!

Homework

I would love to see you list your good qualities, on paper. Are you good with people? Are you good with computers? Are you good at…and so on? What are your good qualities? You have not told me if you have any job experience or if you are skilled in anything? But let’s assume you have no skills or past job experience, ok?

First and foremost, you must have realistic goals. You can not expect to Manage or be a CEO overnight. You’ll have to find an entry level job. You are 18 years old and it’s quite possible that you want the world and you want it now. You may also have to humble yourself and take a job that you are not especially fond of. Once you get out there and begin to work, at anything, you will find that you begin to feel better. Then, you want more and you dream bigger. It’s not fact but it seems to me that when it’s hard to find a job, once you get out there, more jobs pop up. It’s an unwritten rule that I’ve seen myself. I’ve worked so many jobs that were rather unpleasant but I always began to feel better once I was out in the work force and productive. I can just about guarantee, that if you follow this strategy, you will begin to feel better. In turn, you will be out there and more apt to hear of better jobs. I’m telling you, to go out and find a crap job, that’s not too challenging. You will feel better about yourself and when you see that you are actually capable of more, you then look for better. Remember, the jobs will not look for you, you must look for them.

Another thing I want you to think about and envision is an actual interview. How will you conduct yourself? What will you wear? If you are trying to get any job, you should try to dress the part. In other words, let’s say you want to work as a nurses aid, you would wear white. If it’s a business office, you’d want to wear a suit. But if you are going for an average job, you at least wear a collared shirt, if male and if you are a woman, you’d best wear a dress or nice pants suit. You have to match your clothing to what you want to obtain and perspective employers will be able to envision you fitting in. Even if you would try for a job in fast food, i.e. McDonalds, you would at least wear a clean Polo shirt and slacks. You don’t want to over dress but look clean cut.

The next thing I want you to envision is this; if you go for a job interview and they do not hire you, most likely you will never see them again. What is the worst thing that can happen; they tell you that you are not suited for the position? Would that kill you or crush you? Don’t allow the element of the unknown to hold you in the grips of fear. But if you start off realistically and within the scope of your training, skills or even lack of both and try for a job, just about anybody could get, there’s little chance of rejection. And as I stated before, after you’ve been out there and you feel better about yourself and your personal self-worth, you step it up a notch and shoot for a better job. If you have no skills, then you pay attention and learn that particular job, the one you are in. See, you may be able to take that experience and apply it to the next job. Life skills are often the best skills to obtain and as long as you have a good work ethic, you can’t go wrong. A good work ethic means that whatever job you do, you do it the best job possible. You take pride in this and being on time. You don’t work hard at getting out of work. You work smart and you won’t have to work as hard. Invest your time in honing whatever it is you will do and do it well. It doesn’t matter if you are a garbage/rubbish collector, you be the best damn collector/sanitation worker you can be.

I think you just need a good dose of perspective. I think you may be expecting that your life should be all together and planned right here, right now. But for some of us, it just doesn’t work that way. Some of us are not handed college or a family business. Some of us have to work hard and get our hands dirty. We can’t all be the beautiful people now can we? I am not in the scope of the beautiful people either and I have worked since I was 14 years old. I take pride in the fact, that I arrive at work on time, I don’t call in sick, faking an illness to get out of work and I don’t spend my time making it look like I’m working, trying to get over. I can look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I believe you can do this too. Stop trying to reach the moon and just grab one of the million stars. Be good at whatever it is you do and remember that every body doesn’t get everything handed to them on a silver platter. Hell no, mine was handed to me on a paper plate and I do the best I can with it.

You have to start somewhere and you have to crawl before you can walk. Start crawling, get out there, next thing you know, you’ll be flying!

Here’s an NYU, Depression Test Click Here

Here’s another Test Click Here

Depression

Many men/women don’t recognize depression symptoms. Depression is a complex matter. In recent years, with burgeoning research progress, we are finding out that depression is much more common than many of us thought. At least 15% (and likely more) of men/women take an antidepressant during their lifetime. Depression is much more common in women than in men, but the reason for this female predominance is unclear.

Besides the fact that woman suffer from depression more often than do men, women often think they can “work through” a depression on their own. They may misunderstand the low risk associated with medication treatment of depression, or else they believe that because they are intelligent hard-working people a counselor or psychologist will be of no help. These mistaken beliefs are, unfortunately, common. Medications for depression may sometimes have annoying side effects, such as agitation, insomnia, or drowsiness, but serious reactions are extremely unusual. Women with a true depression are suffering. Such bothersome, non-life threatening side effects, which may lessen soon anyway, are likely to be much more tolerable than untreated depression for many women. Time and again, studies have shown that either counseling or medication therapy, or optimally both together, are extremely effective in safely relieving depression in both women and men.
Learn about treatments for depression »

Top Searched Depression Terms:
symptoms, teenage depression, postpartum depression, depression test, signs, types, bipolar depression, suicide
Doctor to Patient

What is a depressive disorder?

Depressive disorders have been with man since the beginning of recorded history. In the Bible, King David, as well as Job, suffered from this affliction. Hippocrates referred to depression as melancholia, which literally means black bile. Black bile, along with blood, phlegm, and yellow bile were the four humors (fluids) that accounted for the basic medical physiology of that time. Depression has been portrayed in literature and the arts for hundreds of years, but what do we mean today when we refer to a depressive disorder? In the nineteenth century, depression was seen as an inherited weakness of temperament. In the first half of the twentieth century, Freud linked the development (pathogenesis) of depression to guilt and conflict. John Cheever, the author and a modern sufferer of depressive disorder, wrote of conflict and experiences with his parents as influencing his development of depression.

In the 1950’s and 60’s, depression was divided into two types, endogenous and neurotic. Endogenous means that the depression comes from within the body, perhaps of genetic origin, or comes out of nowhere. Neurotic or reactive depression has a clear environmental precipitating factor, such as the death of a spouse, or other significant loss, such as the loss of a job. In the 1970’s and 80’s, the focus of attention shifted from the cause of depression to its effects on the afflicted people. That is to say, whatever the cause in a particular case, what are the symptoms and impaired functions that experts can agree make up a depressive disorder? Although there is some argument even today (as in all branches of medicines), most experts agree that:

1. A depressive disorder is a syndrome (group of symptoms) that reflects a sad mood exceeding normal sadness or grief. More specifically, the sadness of depression is characterized by a greater intensity and duration and by more severe symptoms and functional disabilities than is normal.
2. Depression symptoms are characterized not only by negative thoughts, moods, and behaviors, but also by specific changes in bodily functions (e.g., eating, sleeping, and sexual activity). The functional changes are often called neurovegetative signs.
3. Certain people with depressive disorder, especially bipolar depression (manic depression), seem to have an inherited vulnerability to this condition.
4. Depressive disorders are a huge public health problem.

* In 1990, depression cost the United States 43 billion dollars in both direct costs, which are the treatment costs, and indirect costs, such as lost productivity and absenteeism.

* In a major medical study, depression caused significant problems in the functioning of those affected more often than did arthritis, hypertension, chronic lung disease, and diabetes, and in two categories of problems, as often as coronary artery disease.

* Depression can increase the risks for developing coronary artery disease, HIV, asthma, and some other medical illnesses. Furthermore, it can increase the morbidity (illness) and mortality (death) from these conditions.

5. Depression is usually first identified in a primary care setting, not in a mental health practitioner’s office. Moreover, it often assumes various disguises, which causes depression to be frequently under-diagnosed.
6. In spite of clear research evidence and clinical guidelines regarding therapy, depression is often under-treated. Hopefully, this situation can change for the better.
7. For full recovery from a mood disorder, regardless of whether there is a precipitating factor or it seems to come out of the blue, treatments with medications and/or electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and psychotherapy are often necessary.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Stand Up, You Are A Diamond

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

My problem is a little confusing so please bear with me. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, two days before Valentines. We were high school sweethearts, and even started to plan our wedding. When we broke up, I tried to get him back in all the wrong ways. I called constantly, wrote a letter, and went over to his dorm when he didn’t want to see me. He told me that I was too dependent of him, and that I was choking him. And that he didn’t want me to e-mail, call him ever again. He had to force me out of his dorm room.

Now, my boyfriend Cody… ex-boyfriend… is under-taking a challenging major. In his department the professors, and the other students don’t take him seriously. So everyday is like he feels like he has to prove himself, and the stress got to be too much. Not only in his school work but also in our relationship. Cody bottles up stress, and I just happened to be the one he took it out on. If Cody isn’t in the Art building, he’s either working his job from 5:30-8:30 every night, or in his dorm. He’s been known to stay up until 5 in the morning working on his projects. With my dependency I pushed him over the edge. It was like I was stretching a rubber band and it finally snapped. Don’t get me wrong… Cody is not a violent person. He just does not know how to manage his stress.The last time I tried to see him he told me he didn’t want me to call him, or e-mail him or anything.

It still hurt like heck but it took me almost a week-straight of crying to finally get to the bottom of my problem of why I was so dependent on him. I was raped and molested at age 6, and it continued for 3 years. I never got help with the issue. I believe this may have been the cause on why I was so dependent on him. I lived in denial for 14 years of my life thinking that it never happened, and during that time I constantly beat myself up about it thinking that I was ugly, stupid, and that I wasn’t good enough, or worthy enough for anyone to love me. No one knew about my rape except my close friends; and I actually didn’t tell my mom until recently. It didn’t matter if someone told me I was stupid, or ugly, because I already thought about myself like that. I convinced myself that I was. Now, I’ve started going to therapy, gotten involved in a church group, and I am finally feeling good about myself for the first time. I’m finally seeing what Cody saw in me all this time. This break-up has really allowed me to put myself and what happened to me in perspective. I can say that I don’t regret the break-up because honestly I don’t think I would have ever dealt with this issue. But still I miss him very much.

My therapist told me that all I had been doing coincided with the behavioral symptoms for something called “Rape Trauma Syndrome”. I’ve done some research on my own, and I have about 7 of the behavioral symptoms including: dependency in relationships, living in denial, feeling not worthy, and believing that you won’t have much of a future, and that you won’t live long. He said that I didn’t really know what I was doing because I was trying to in a sense “survive”. Knowing all this has lifted such a weight off of me. One Sunday night, Cody called me after he saw me in Church to tell me that he forgave me, and that he just wanted to be friends. I’ve somewhat accepted this concept of being “friends” with him only because I know that I don’t want to infringe on his personal space again. I do still want to continue our relationship because I am crazy about him. But I know I must take care of myself first, at the same time I don’t want to loose him for good.

Our relationship was never perfect. We had our good times, and our bad but we still managed to stick together and make the most of our time together. We were an incredible team, and we talked about the future often. When life at home was less then perfect, Cody would listen to all my problems, and I him. We were a great comfort to each other, and brought each other up. In high school, I was probably more centered on him then anything else. My parents would tell me that I had to get out more with friends but I didn’t listen. But I honestly didn’t think that I had much of a future so I didn’t try very hard in school. I pushed back the thought of my rape all those years, and actually tried to convince myself that it never even happened.

I told Cody what had happened to me after we had been dating almost a year. He told me it wasn’t my fault what had happened to me, and honestly I didn’t believe him even though Cody was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, that I was smart, and that I was loved. I thought it was amazing that someone could care so much about a girl like me. It was easier to believe all these things when Cody and I were in the same room. But when I was alone at night in my room I would go back to telling myself I wasn’t good enough. But I am. Now, I am starting to see all that and more in me. I really feel like someone has breathed oxygen into my lungs again. I feel wonderful. I’m finally beginning to love myself. I’m 20 now, and I can’t believe that I survived this long… but I did!

I really feel that I’ve grown a lot in the past months, both emotionally, and spiritually. Even Cody’s roommate Daniel commented that I seem to be a totally different person. And honestly I don’t even feel like that scared, wounded little girl anymore. I AM a new woman!

I honestly feel that Cody is the man for me. There is still chemistry between us, and I know there are possibilities that there are other guys out there, but I really can’t think of myself being with anyone else. I know I must take care of myself before testing our relationship again. And I do believe that once I get myself together, and heal more that our relationship will be so much more then it was before. I know that I want to tell Cody all that I’ve learned about myself in the past months of us breaking up. And I want to do this purely as his friend. I don’t want to insinuate a relationship with him and I’m afraid thats what he’ll be thinking if I try to talk to him. I’m not ready for that and neither is he.

So finally, Aunt B, my question: The next break coming up is Easter break. I know he will be home, and I am planning to go back and stay with a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a while that lives in the same town. I think that during break would be a good time to talk to him but I am really not sure. My cat is buried in his front yard and I was planning on planting flowers for her, and see if Cody would help me, and then possibly try and talk to him afterward. But I don’t want him to feel trapped. I’ve overstepped my boundaries once and he forgave me for doing all those things, but I absolutely do not want to do that again. How can I talk to him without him feeling like I’m forcing myself on him again? I know that whatever happens Cody will need time and space and I am so willing to give him both. But how will I know when he is ready for us to continue our relationship? Is it something I’ll just know? My therapist said something about I had been chasing Cody all this time, and that if I actually stop going after him he might go after me. But I still feel like I personally need to tell him all I’ve learned.

Thank you for taking time to read this! Any advice you can tell me will be great!

Signed,

A******

Dear A******,

Well Sweetie, you’ve been through it. The best thing you ever did was to get into counseling. I do believe with the right counselor and a willingness to change, all things can happen. A good counselor does not hand you the answers. I see them playing “Devil’s Advocate” and helping you pull the answers out. Sometimes though, there are no answers and you have to rebuild the person that was broken down and learn coping skills. It seems to me, that you are doing this.
The variables are different, case to case, person to person but I can identify with every point you made. I was raped at least 3 times. It takes away an innocence but after being betrayed by your rapist, you begin a habit of distrust. The world is not an easy place but then you throw in a brew of being violated, especially on a continual basis and you have conjured up a vat of many emotions. You will often feel that people have an underhanded motive to their flattery and in life in general.
Rape of any kind is and can be so harmful. But when a child is raped, it can change the way they view life forever. It is a heinous crime to the highest power. I can only hope that my good friend Mz. Karma Bitchslap pays a visit to your rapist and if it’s any consolation, they might get away with it in this life but I have to believe they will pay. I’m banking on retribution. In the meantime we must also be aware that anger kills. Keeping emotions, hurt, shame and that nasty ol’ anger, can and will eat you alive. I think you know this and your counseling was and is the best thing you could ever do. Getting over some of these hurdles and emotions will be your way of winning. I am a firm believer that by entertaining anger, shame and a general feeling of worthlessness allows your rapist to win. Don’t you give it to them. Take back your life, take back your emotions and take back control of you.
Being raped can cause a whole adaptation of our very being. We will often incorporate a survivalist mentality and often, we are not even aware that we are doing it. What’s even worse, is when we do behave in a manner befitting Rape Trauma Syndrome. There are a lot of things, rape victims tend to do, even though they might know it’s not really the right thing to do. Victims of rape are sometimes promiscuous and addiction, drowning out emotion, can often add insult to injury. A lot of it comes down to self worth. We may think we are not worthy in general.
I may possibly understand how you feel and I think the key here is going to be honesty, remember this.
It seems to me, you are very intelligent, I gather this from your prose but you have a distinct advantage over others, you might not even realize; you have empathy on this subject.

So, what to do? You have already taken several steps towards your healing, counseling is a big part of that. I mentioned honesty and let me add perspective. O.K., I do not know what you look like. You could be beautiful but this has made you feel ugly. What you need is reality and acceptance. How do we do this? First, we look in the mirror, literally. I did this and have been doing it every day since I adopted this into my being. I see a fairly attractive woman. I am not beautiful but I clean up good. I think a few years ago, I may have even been pretty but we’ll use the word attractive. For years, I felt ugly on one hand but knew that I was OK, on the other. It comes down to feeling good in your own skin. Then, you must work on who you are. Are you a negative person? Do you behave like a victim? Then, you look in the mirror figuratively and assess yourself, each and every day. A person only grows if they nurture themselves. You will not find that in other people, money or material things. No, you have to become a woman on your own. It is a right of passage to feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be aware that it is real easy for us to look for happiness or fulfillment in people or material things. Was Cody this to you or a security blanket? Now, let me make it clear that I am not stating that this is what you were doing but I simply want you to look at it. Until you are happy with yourself, you are no good to any one else. You must stand on your own and work through all your own demons. Get it out and always look in the mirror. Be ok with yourself. Be realistic with yourself. Do not look for fault but assessment, as to what you have to offer. Most importantly, I want you to realize that what happened to you was not your fault and you should have no shame for it. Whoever did this was a heinous ass and it is easy to stay angry about it. If you do that though or continue to be victimized by it, you just that; it’s victim. Stop!

I want you to begin the healing so you may stand on your own as a woman. Grow from this and rise above it. Look in the mirror and be honest as to what you have to bring to any relationship. I will repeat, do not look for fault. We all have faults, you don’t own the market on that one and I don’t care if you’re Miss America, if we chose to, we will and can find fault. Be realistic as to who you are. Make sure you have NOT become needy. This is why I stress growing and standing on your own, as a person, as a woman. If you put on that *Bitch Belt and you become an assertive woman, who states her needs, does not play the victim or have a sense of entitlement, you will be a well rounded package. I think with Cody, even though it was or is love, you may have used that situation to buffer yourself. It was somewhat, possibly *Co-Dependency.

You’re codependent for sure if, when you die,
someone else’s life flashes in front of your eyes.

You’ve got to be you before you can be a couple and really before you have anything to offer. I think you are trying to do this right now and I think you are on the right road, the road to recovery. Most of all, remember when you start feeling bad or worthless, like a big ball of nothing, you let that SOB win. Take it back baby and put on that *Bitch Belt. Yes, I want you to wear it like Prada!

Stand Up

I am in complete agreement with your therapist. If you do not chase Cody, if it’s true love, he will come back. If it’s real and wholesome, he never left, he just took a break and you will always be on his mind. But the more independent you become, the more you have to offer. If he sees that you can exist without him, he’s going to look at the situation. You need to be able to exist without him. If you are in the same room, you need to be only you, if you are a 1000 miles apart, you need to be able to cope on your own. Want and Addiction to a relationship are two different things.

Baby Steps

I truly believe for two people to become one in union, you can’t have a fraction and a whole part. The math just doesn’t add up, does it? Are you a fraction?
In marriage, it has to be 1+1=1 but that one is a whole number and is divisible, all on it’s own. Don’t be a fraction. Work on you and how you want to be perceived. Do you want to be perceived as needy, unhappy, negative or a victim? I don’t think you do and I am not implying that you are. What i am saying is to assess yourself. You have that power of deducement or you may have lost your mind, long ago. I know you’ve flirted with the edge but you are a survivalist. Be proud of that, ok?

Baby Steps

I know and would bet money that you want me to tell you to run to him, when you go home for Easter vacation. But I would love to tell you to keep yourself far away from him. Easter is coming and you are chomping at the bit, rightly so. You love this guy, this is clear. I know you want to better yourself and to rise above all this or you would not have bothered to write me a lengthy letter, which by the way, I am flattered that you asked me for my opinion.
I know what love is. I have loved and been loved. I have had that kind of love, where you look at them and it takes your breath away. I’ve also known the kind of love, if you want to call it that, where if he was in a bad mood, I tip toed around. He had the ability to crush me in every way. He also was able to take my good days and turn then to crap. Then, I’d set about pampering him and trying to make it right. I took it personal, as if I had to make it right. It was extremely unhealthy and I slipped into further mental illness and addiction just trying to shut it up. I couldn’t fix him but boy did I try. I was one sick individual and when we argued because he had that bad day and he told me that I was an ugly bitch or worthless, I believed him. He was cruel to me and I played a victim and let him do this to me. Notice the word “let.” I may have been whole or close to it when the relationship started but he reduced me to a fraction. I let him do this. I had to stop allowing him to use my weaknesses against me. I had to begin to look in the mirror and ask myself if I really was a worthless ugly bitch?
I looked in the mirror and I did not like what I saw because I did see a worthless ugly bitch. I cleaned that mirror and washed my face and mind and peered into again. What I saw was a woman who’d been playing a victim and allowing all my garbage to be worn all over me. People had to have seen it as clear as the black eyes, he’d given me more than a dozen times. I was able to get away from him but not before I’d looked in the mirror and was truthful with myself. It was only then that I was able to say, “Hey, you’re not half bad. You are a good hearted person, witty, a good conversationalist and well rounded. You are loving and affectionate (which took some work), a good lover, wife, person and you have a lot to offer.” I have never been egotistical but quite the opposite. But you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. You must be truthful with yourself, break it down and build it back up.

Your Answer

How bad do you want this? One of two things will happen, once you put on that *Bitch Belt. You will become stronger, you will become whole and you will be noteworthy. Your self-worth will be evident, your self-assurance will shine through.
Or?
You used Cody as a security blanket and as you grow into who you are, you will stand up, see yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. You will no longer need a security blanket or buffer from the world. You will stand up and state that you will no longer allow some loathsome creature to own you or your emotions. You will say that what was done to you by that Pedophile was in the past and you kick it to the curb. Take back you, G-friend. Stand up and face it, in your mind and stare it down. Out loud you say that you refuse to allow this to keep you down, not one more frigin minute. I want you to take in a huge breath, gather up all those nasty memories and blow them in the wind. If you get another memory or flashback, you do this every damn time and blow it all out, get it out and let it go. Take that hurt, pain, shame, guilt and anger and flush it. Take back you and continue to see your therapist.
OK, Easter vacation? After you have done all this, I know you’ll want to call him. Feel it out. If you have done your homework, he’ll feel it. When you call him and you don’t sound like you are going to tax his emotions, he will know. He may feel it enough and offer to see you. If given the opportunity, you offer to possibly have coffee and you state that you would like to speak with him. If he says no, walk away, figuratively, dignity intact. It may not be time yet. Time heals all wounds, really it does. He may grow away from you but if it’s meant to be, he’ll sense the changes. If he agrees to meet with you, I want you to look your best, you know, fix your hair real nice, wear something, nice, not too provocative. But before you walk out that door, you put your “Bitch Belt” on.
Now, you hold your head up. You will not be that same woman, you know that girl who was raped and couldn’t let it go or that needy, I can’t live without you, you are my only existence, my entire world, girl. You will stand up, as a woman, with so much to offer, a beautiful diamond. Diamonds withstand the highest heat to obtain their brilliance. You are now a diamond and you will shine. You have gone through all this to arrive, a woman with value.
A true woman is one that is also capable of seeing when she was wrong. You must admit your part in this whole situation. You may have just pushed his buttons and he snapped, as you yourself said. You apologize for pushing him to that point. Now, here’s the only reason I want you to see him…to apologize. If you do not have ulterior motives, you will not seem needy. No, you have gone to see him, to right a wrong. You owe him that. If you go with the needy, “We have to get back together,” scenario, rooted as your motive, you need to stop right there. No, you must start with accountability for your actions. You are no longer a victim, placing all your pain and junk, all on his broad shoulders.
Go to the house or where ever you guys decide to meet, if he agrees. Do not touch him or try to hug him, unless he offers it. Even if he does, don’t fall right in, keep some distance between you. You tell him that you have worked through things and you realize that you have not been fair and you are so sorry. You tell him that he did not deserve all that, he’s a good guy and you never meant to hurt him or push him so far. Now, here’s the important part, take note; if he has just listened to you and not said anything, which I encourage you to state you want to be heard, you apologize finally, stand as to walk out and extend your hand to shake it. It will be a sense of closure on that chapter. He will either take you in his arms or let you walk away. Do not plead and beg but walk away, if he does not seem interested or receptive. You have now planted a seed of a new you, a woman of the highest caliber. It may take all of your will power to walk away but you need to…unless, he pulls you to him, ok?

I can’t guarantee, this will work to get him back but you will know where you stand. If you walk away because he let you, it will instantly be seen that you have not behaved as you did when he had you leave before, right? It will make him think, if he really loves you. If he does not love you and I truly wish for this to work for you, you will have walked away with your held high, done your part to make it right and not leave a bad taste in his mouth. You must then move on but you will have grown from it. Stand up, you are a diamond!

Definition of a Bitch and or Bitch Belt
*I want you to wear one of Aunt B’s Bitch Belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I’m talking about is not what some people think or understand. I’m talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we’ve, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or “I am woman, hear me roar.” But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a “Bitch.” I’m wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We’re not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We’re the new woman and we’re standing proud. We’re pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She’s a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else’s expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he’s a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you’ll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won’t give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date.

This is a comment, I had given to a dear Sister in the same crisis. This aptly applies to you, too;
I think getting it off your chest is the first step and I see you are doing that. Now, the second is to remember,”Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord your God.” I want you to begin a vigilant prayer, that God handle this situation. You ask him for strength and comfort. You ask him for wisdom to understand and to use it to help others, as you are trying to do. You will begin the healing once you can…”Let Go and Let God.”
You do no good to yourself or anyone else with your anger. You allow him to have power over you still. You ask God to take away this animosity and you ask Him to do what you can not. Every single time you feel this anger, you must turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help you get through this and to help you let go of this anger. It is not healthy to be so angry in a situation where your hands are tied. It can and will eat you alive. Take back control of you, take back your power and then hand it to God. Every waking, angry moment, you get yourself into prayer, conversation with God. He will see you through the fire. I will also pray for you. I understand how you feel. I have been through it myself. There’s not much else you can do than this, to break a spirit. Don’t let this break you. Don’t give him this. Let go and let God.

This is an Update from the author of the letter to me, her comment…

WOW…. wow! That’s all I can say right now! Thank you so much for replying! Reading this has been such an awaking experience for me; even though so much has happened since the time I wrote this! OK so I’ll start at the beginning:

I’ve gone to theraphy 3 times now; so much has come back to me. I lost years of my childhood that I absolutely don’t remember, but things are coming back. I’m remembering more details about what happened. I know it’s a little weird for me to say this but it makes me feel good. This person not only took my virginity from me but he tried to take more! I wanted to take my own life, twice. Once when I was 9 years old, and something told me to “STOP!”. I had a razor against my wrist and something told me that there was someone who was struggling just as much as I was, and finding out more about Cody’s childhood (he was beaten a lot as a kid) I think he was it. And the second time I was older, 16 I think. I was just so sick of being in my own skin. I was sick of beating myself up. I hated myself. I remember taking a bottle of Tylenole PM from under my mom’s sink when my parents went out; I remember opening the bottle and taking two pills out, about to take out a third when Cody called me. He saved my life that night, and I never told him.

And even though I tried to believe him when he told me I was beautiful I didn’t believe him; but now I do! I am beautiful, brave, intellegent- I am becoming everything I wanted myself to be. I’m not completly there yet but I’m on my way. I’ve also been doing a lot of praying. I gave myself to the Lord that day in church, I’ve been healing both mentally and spirtiually- and I have never felt better. All that hurt that I had, all those bad feelings about myself….. gone. I know that might sound a little werid, and honestly I was afraid to give myself to the Lord. I was afraid because I knew that if I did I would have to deal with the issue of my rape, and I didn’t want too. I’ve never really had a close relationship with my Dad either, and going to church more has taught me that I associated my relationship with my own father with that of the heavenly Father. I’ve been giving so much to the Lord, and I’ve realized that the more I give- the more I get back.

And you know what? Thing have been coming together with Cody too! He’s called me! We even went out for a run, and lunch too. He’s been seeing change in me. We’ve talked more and more about religion, about God, and about the world around us. He starting to look at me the same way again. Even though I know we can only be friends right now… I know that as time passes its going to grow more and more into something else. Yes, our relationship with never be the same. It can’t ever be the same: but it can be so much better, and I believe that. And I know he’s scared that I’ll turn into that dependancy monster- but that can’t ever happen, I’m healing both sides of me. That scared girl who thought she was nothing is dead. I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am alive!

One day when I was praying, just having a quiet moment on my way back to my dorm I had this angel whisper: “Instead of trying to be the woman of Cody’s dreams, why don’t you become the woman of yours? You never know, it could be the same person!” I’ve been living by that ever since. It’s been amazing!

I’ve begun to tell more people about what happened to me, and the more people I tell the more I’m finding out that the same thing happened to them. I actually wrote about it on myspace and I’ve had so many people tell me that they were shocked and so proud of me that I’m getting help. I found out that one of my best friends in elementary school experienced the same thing; and I never knew! She was always so happy! It just makes me so angry. And it’s never going to stop. More and more children will be victimized. It sickens me!

Another thing that came to me when I was praying what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always, but I never had time to write. I took writing classes at school but when we had to write about myself, I couldn’t. I’ve realized that God wants me to write about my story. It’s going to be hard and a long process but I know on order to help people I have to do this. Church has opened my eyes even more to things I didn’t realize. For instance… there’s a saying in the Bible, something like what Satan uses for bad, God can turn into good, and I think writing about will help that. And if anyone wants to say that God doesn’t exhist… look at me. I’m not supposed to be here. I survived something that was supposed to take me out, and I’m still here. I am still here. People may abandon me- but the Lord never will.

Speaking of which…. Easter. The more time that passes, the more I pray, I’m realizing it would be a good time to talk to him. The fact that he’s been wanting to do more stuff with me I’ve realized that it would be okay to talk to him. But I must make sure and mention first that I don’t want to kickstart our relationship because he’s not ready for it and neither am I. I’m still learning more about myself. And the more I learn- the more I find out I’m a wonderful person. And as more time passes I’ve realized that yes, there could be another person out there for me. Even though Cody has answered so many prayers for me…. I’ve realized that there could be someone else. But at the same time God is telling me that this summer is going to be amazing for the both of us. Things aren’t over between us, after 5 years- I mean come on! And no matter what happens I know that we’ll still at least be friends, and I’ll be absolutely golden no matter what happens. I don’t know whats in store for my future, and honestly I’m not scared. But I know it’s going to be amazing…. but summer… that I’ll have to leave for another update!

Thank you so much again Aunt B. for your advice!

God Bless!

A******

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Stand Tall

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Aunt B,
first off i think what you do is a very noble indeed. There should be more portals for humans to acquire guidance from the viewpoint of a complete stranger with much wisdom. For this i thank you.
I am 28 years old and have had caused some of the problems in my life for a reason that eludes me. My very first sexual experience is what determined my orientation when it came to sexual desire. This moment was fated to be shared with the same sex. It was a few years later, at the ripe age of 13 when i was awakened to the divine nature of the the opposite sex. For the rest of my childhood into adult hood i hardly thought of my first sexual encounter and instead choose to devout my time and imagination to the splendor that is the female. All my time was spent with my various girlfriends, our sex life was bustling and I had always felt completely relaxed and open with them. Then finally at the age of 22, without a girlfriend, I reacquainted my self with my gay side and began relations with other men. I decided to keep my preference from my loved ones and friends because i knew if they found out they would be heartbroken and disgusted with me. I felt this had to be kept in the closet. I also noticed that my persona around the men that i dated was all business. In other words the only thing i desired from them was sex, and nothing more. I always felt uncomfortable around them before and after the act so therefore never really got to know any of them. Things have been going this way for about 6 years until i started to become close again with a girl who was my best friend growing up. We have been hanging recently and things are very good, in fact it seems that our relationship could progress in to something more. I then realized it was essential to get a std test which i did with the test result coming back clean. It was about this time that one of my closest friends believed that i was gay and spread this rumor about me which would eventually inform everyone that i cared about. Even my mother hinted at it to which i replied that she was wrong and i always preferred woman. However all of my friend’s were not so easy to convince, in fact each of my friendships have suffered a great deal while some of my closest allies have deserted me and we no longer talk. I feel like every time i hang out with a friend they show disrespect, anger and disgust towards me which in turns instills hatred towards them and then later, much pain and distress inside me which leaves me tired and melancholy. I am afraid the girl, my old friend who has just recently come back into my life will hear about these accusations and leave me. I don’t want to admit that i am gay because it would ruin my chances of settling down with a woman and raising a family, something i look forward to doing so greatly. I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. i want to date this girl, and i don’t want to be thought as gay any longer by my friends. thanks for reading my serious dilemma.
sincerely
Fading Fast

~~~

Dear Fading Fast,

I appreciate your comment about doing this page, when actually; I am only trying to get into heaven, lol! Really, it is simply because I’ve been there, done that and learned. I am also very empathic but I simply want to give back. So, I do appreciate it, when I get recognition, such as yours. That is my reward and if you tell me, that I have helped you. I hope I can.

My Dear, it sounds like you are in a state, much like my own son went through. Yes, my son is gay. He had tried to be with women and it just didn’t work. I think he was and has always been torn, though. He loves and respects women but his attraction is with men. At the same time, a lot of gay relationships are not really relationships but encounters. But let me point out, that quite often this happens in hetero situations too. It’s just sex and hopefully, its safe sex. Speaking of, I’m glad you’ve been responsible and had yourself checked. I’m even happier that you came back clean. I am in contact with many gay men, who were not so fortunate. It only takes once and don’t you know every single one of them said the same thing, “I didn’t think it would happen to me,” and “Well, he didn’t look like he had AIDS/HIV?” I am quite sure you are aware of this, right? I just had to put my two cents in, when given the opportunity.

This world can be so very cruel, my friend. You have witnessed it, first hand, have you not? Because it is so brutal sometimes, let me tell you that if I could have turned off my sons gay tendencies, many, many years ago, I would have. Why? Because 20+ years ago, there was no tolerance, not like you have today. He suffered terribly. No Mom wants their child to go through the endless harassment or labeling that goes with the stigma of a gay lifestyle. But I have unconditional love for my son. He is also my best friend and if I had to pick only one person to be with on a deserted island, it would be him. We’d have to have music and munchies and we’d party the entire time and talk. We love each other. I was not always the best Mom but he forgave me and that is what it’s all about.

Let me make something clear; I believe in Monogamy. Why do I bring this up? Well, let me tell you…

The way we perceive the gay community is based on religion, is it not? I am not fond of deviance and there is a lot of deviance in both the gay and straight community. Of course, the straight community loves to point out the flaws in the gay community but I’m calling them both on the carpet. I do believe that God has a problem with deviant behavior, not the fact that you have gay tendencies. He created you. Does God make mistakes? I think not and he knows your heart. No, God has a problem with all people just looking for sex. There is no love in it and when it is done continually, it will blacken your soul. It can be an addiction just as bad as drugs. When you have behaved in a deviant manner, you don’t feel good, huh? How do I know this? I know this because I have behaved that way and I know it is wrong. I fight it off every day. Yes, I have a dark side, hell I’ve danced with the devil. If a wrong could be done, I did it. Now, I am trying to be a better person.

Here’s the difference; If you are looking for a relationship, whether it be gay or straight, it should not involve sex from the git-go. Sex and relationship are two different things. I think we all have approached it wrong. We go out on a Friday or Saturday night, hoping to get lucky. This is wrong. If we are looking to meet, fall in love and plan a life together, there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. Gay or straight, if you are looking for a relationship, a true love, a real monogamous life, I encourage it. I don’t think my God has any problem with this, either. My son is not going to hell because he is gay. I do not and will not believe this. He is in a loving relationship and doing well.

No, I have not become sidetracked here. I am laying the groundwork for what I have to say;

1. If you have behaved deviantly, ask your higher power for forgiveness.
2. If you are trying to have a good healthy relationship, I encourage it.
3. If you are ashamed of your past, stop it and after doing #1, I’ll point out that guilt doesn’t come from God, so where does it come from? Think about that.
4. Be true to yourself.
5. Stand tall and do not bow. No one person has the right to condemn you or judge you. If you are standing tall, you will not behave like a victim.
6. Are you giving off a victim vibe?
7. Your sexual preference, past, present or future, is nobody’s business.
8. If you are gay it’s nobody’s business.
9. If you behaved in a gay manner in the past or experimented, it is only your business. You owe no one an explanation, not even your family.
10. Be encouraged, I stand behind you. Anyone that cares about you will also accept you as you are, the others do not matter.

I want you to go to your Higher Power and speak to Him/Her, this is between the two of you and no one else. From that moment on, you answer to no one but your Higher Power. You stand tall. If you act effeminate and this is why you are targeted, you put yourself in an awareness of it and you try to articulate. It can be done, if you are aware of it. People have to polish themselves all the time. I had a very prominent Southern accent. After hearing myself on the radio, I chose to change that and articulate with awareness. People learn to speak in front of crowds and often are not born with these skills. Be aware and stop being a victim. I am not saying that you are but we do tend to allow ourselves to be victimized, do we not. But if you adapt an assertive, no nonsense, I will not take your judgmental bullshit anymore attitude, people will perceive you differently.

Life is perception. Whether or not we are accepted in life does have a lot to do with how independently we think and behave. Have you ever seen a kid being picked on in school? It is because he has shown a victims side and the bully sees it. Most bullies are the ones with the most to prove. We often perceived them as stronger between the passive or aggressive types. In all due reality, it is these people who have to point out others flaws to feel better about themselves. Do not be a passive person. I do not want you to be aggressive either but assertive. You take a stand in this world and say to anyone that confronts you about your “Gayness” that you don’t owe them a damn thing much less an explanation of your sexuality. You do not owe your own Mother that. You are a man and as long as you are trying to live right, you owe no one, NO ONE.

What is living right? Living right is when you have a relationship with your higher power, knowing that you answer to a higher authority. Do not be afraid. We all make mistakes, we all screw up we all sin. It is in our nature to sin, isn’t it? So, when we do but are trying to live right, we confess it, let it go and try to do our best. We go on with an attitude that we will do to others, what we want done to us. We won’t purposely hurt anyone and we will be accountable for our actions. We don’t try to get over or scam people at home, in life or in the workplace. We do not judge others or look down our noses. It’s so simple yet we complicate it all, now don’t we? It is not about being religious but becoming Spiritual and true to oneself. And that is all I want you to do; be true to yourself. You owe nothing, so stop giving or paying for what you do not owe.

Now, go on and be happy and fall in love and have a family. From this moment on, all your junk is handed off and there’s nothing to find, nothing to pay for and no one but your higher power to answer to. Stand tall.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Encouraging Words

Everyday life is not easy and living life on life’s terms, is often hard. If you are stuck in addiction, seek help, don’t let it kill you or your spirit. Drugs do kill, don’t think it can’t happen to you. Often times we feel we have no where to turn. One thing I learned through all my trials and tribulations, is that even when I felt I had no choice, I always did. I see that now. But when you feel the flames, all around you, it is often hard to see through the smoke. There are resources in every state across America, that will steer you in the right direction. You have to want it bad enough but getting clean, can be done. It may seem distant but it comes down to really wanting to change. You must be committed to changing and you have to seek it. You found addiction and getting clean will not look for you. No, you must look for it, find it and hold on. Start with your Yellow pages. Look up AA/NA meetings or Hotlines. Call you Department of Human Services or Mental Health. If you can’t find anything, call your local hospital. Seek and you shall find. Remember…you do have choices! Love, Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Into The Fire, Again? Oh, Hell No!

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Okay, I was engaged and living with a man. We split and I moved out. In the mean time we had been trying to work things out and salvage our relationship. I was under the impression that things were a little rocky but that we had actually made some progress. Then I find out from his room mate’s girlfriend that he didn’t come home one Friday night. She assumed he was at my house and when she realized he wasn’t it was too late. So I basically told him that he could go &(^&* himself and he tried to lie about it. On top of that it was some old woman that works at the bar he plays pool at. So, he’s been telling me that he made a mistake and wants another chance. Then I find out that he’s going to that bar still to play pool. I’m not stupid, but he seems to think that he can go up there and I shouldn’t have a problem with it. I know what I need to do, but I think I need someone else to actually tell me!

~~~

I am so Old School, I built the damn thing, hahahaha! I think you came to the right place for this one and I’m gonna spell it out, just for him. Hold on a second, while I put my chaps, boots and motorcycle jacket back on, I feel the need!

I’ve been around the block and this ain’t my first rodeo, ok? What adds to this twist, is I’ve lived through the exact or similar situation. My scenario happened in a Club my ex worked in, outside of D.C. He was the bouncer, at the door. There were always young girls, that would do just about anything to get in and apparently, they did. This was at a time, when we were knee deep in Heavy Metal and they had Live Bands playing. It was certainly a playground for anything and everything. I was very naive, back then, for even allowing(yes, I said allowing. I don’t have to live with it, unless I allow it) my husband to work there. But girlfriend grew up and let me tell you what I learned.

There are different levels of trust, right? Most trust, you hand to your man, while some they must earn. Once they’ve taken that trust and then abused it, you are a damn dummy, if you just hand it back to them on a silver platter. So, to nip it in the bud…
I stand with you on this one.

I learned a lot, the hard way. I have mental and physical scars to prove it. I’ve lived an extremely hard life. But it was all for a reason and maybe, this website or even this letter to you, is that reason.

The way to keep from making yourself crazy or sick over all this, is rather simple. You must always flip the script and put things in terms your man will understand. It is based on the old adage, “What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander.” Put that “shoe on the other foot” for him. Ask him, how would he feel about you going out, by yourself, to the exact Bar, hanging out in a place, playing pool, at the place where you had slept with the Bartender? Would he trust you to go there, make eye contact with this guy, breathe the same air, ask him for a drink? I know, he would not like it. If he says he wouldn’t mind, you tell me, I’ll give you my phone number and you have him call me. Why? Because I want to call him a liar and I would, will, can and would most certainly enjoy it!

Never trust the man you love and sleep with, the one that tells you, he loves you and only you, to enter the Lioness Den. You are asking for trouble. Now, I am not saying that you can never trust him. I am saying you never hand it all to him, never be stupid, never be naive and never believe he will never fool around on you. If he has done it once, he may do it again. I’m not saying he will but short of threatening his very life, you just don’t hand him, all of it, all at once. No, you put him on Parole. He’s got to tell you where he’s going and if he’s not going to be back when he says he would, then he calls you and tells you. Hello, that’s not controlling, that is common courtesy on his part. But the biggest part of your story here and now, is no, I don’t think he could possibly think, you’d be understanding that he should be able to go back into that Bar, right now. It’s not fair and it sucks for him to think anything different. There’s got to be other Bars, he can frequent. What if the damn thing burned down? Tell him to pretend it burned down before you get any ideas, lol!

Your Answer

He can do whatever he wants, he’s a big boy and you sure don’t own him. But that doesn’t mean you have to live with a crappy concept, right? You tell him that he has the right to do whatever floats his boat but that does not and will not mean you will tolerate it. He has hurt you, burned down the spot where you held your trust for him and his behavior and handed you the ashes. Now what? You want me to watch you go back into the fire? Even if his heart is pure, you have feelings and he needs to respect them and try to understand how he would feel if things were reversed. I think you are being reasonable and obviously, you love him, or you would have kicked him to the curb. He should appreciate that, alone. I’ve got your back on this one and you tell him, I said so! I like him though, you just need to put it all into perspective, terms he understands, ok?

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Red Flags

Dear Aunt B,

I am 31 years old and have been single for a very very long time – 5 years. In those 5 years I’ve met a few guys and dated a fair bit but 7 weeks ago I met someone very special someone who I click with but several issues are coming up. I’m scared that I may be finding things to sabotage the relationship, or that I am being naïve – we get on so well, we talk, connect, click, really like each other and are really attracted to each other. He calls when he says he will, says all the right things, spends time with me and my friends but he drinks 7 days a week, from 3 beers up to 12 beers a night. I’ve asked him to cut down and he agrees but has only been sober or didn’t drink at all once really. He starts drinking with his brother when he gets home from work, has cut down a bit for me, I virtually [do not] drink so it’s a problem for me. It also stinks and makes him snore.

He is putting on a lot of weight almost 5kgs in the short time I know him, eats a lot off junk food, eats triple the amount I eat and it is so off putting. I am a bit of the obsessive eating disorder type, always worrying about my weight and am watching someone cram wedges in his mouth.

He has an 8 year old son who I met once and told his dad he didn’t like me. So the next day my boyfriend barely spoke to me, touched me or looked at me in front of his son.

Later when we spoke he told me how important his son is to him, told his family that I was in a mood (which I was) and twice has laughed at me when I’ve told him how insecure I get.

Am I fooling myself? It’s 70% fantastic, loving, has potential and then there are these things – I am not sure if I should be having such issues after such a short time or if I am looking for trouble.

I would love your advice!

Dear Reader,

This is a tough one, my friend. I may have to shoot from the hip on this and hope, fervently, that I do not hurt anyone’s feelings.

At 31 years old, I assume your fella, is similar in age? Regardless, I think, you have every reason to worry here. We’ll attempt to address the most important situations first.

I don’t know if you’ve read any of my other posts? In the event that you have not, I will tell you, I am an addict in recovery. I drank like a fish, lived with a man, who drank like a whale and we are both recovering from drug addiction, where my drug of choice, was Heroin. I have been clean from heroin for 9 years. I tell you this, so you may know two things; there is hope, it is possible to rise above addiction and I speak from experience.

True love, is deaf, dumb, blind, crippled and crazy and sometimes, plain ol’ stupid. Often times, you will not see fault. I do believe they call it, “Falling in Love,” for a reason, you just might “Fall.”

Your guy, without a doubt in my mind, is an Alcoholic or so it appears. You just can’t sugar coat this. He may be, what they call a, “Functional Alcoholic,” but the label fits. A person that drinks more than an occasional beer, as in this case, is no longer a social drinker. There is no gray area here. It is only gray, if the person is in denial and paints it gray. Now, this does not mean he is a bad person. In fact, I think he may have fallen into what I like to call,

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

Let me explain, using my own Dad, as example. My Dad is 77, so this is many, many years ago but it aptly applies to today…

When my Dad was 17 years old, he was getting ready to leave for the Navy. His Father, a Captain, in the Navy, told him, he was a man now and he wanted to teach him one of life’s most valuable lessons. He sat him down, with two shot glasses on the kitchen table. He put water in one of the shot glasses and whiskey in the other. He then, dropped a worm, in each shot glass and told my Dad to watch. A couple minutes passed and my Grandfather asked my Dad, what he saw? He stated that, the worm in the water was still swimming and the worm in the whiskey had died. My Grandfather nodded his head, pulled out two more shot glasses, filled them with whiskey, handed one to my Dad, held one up and downed it. He then exclaimed, “That’s right son, always drink whiskey and you’ll never have worms. Now, drink up.” This was his homespun initiation into manhood. True story!

You may have even read this story somewhere else, as I have but it may be, that is how Father’s ushered in their sons, way back when. In the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and possibly, even today, father’s still had the idea, that on their sons 18th Birthday, it was proper to throw them a booze party. I’ve heard, the likes, of Dad’s taking their sons to a strip joint, a night out of drinking and painting the town, “Red, White and Blue.” This mentality, was instilled, that to be a true man, you drank, it is your God given right. The myth, was ingrained, that you work hard, 40+ hours and when you did, you deserved to buy a six-pack of beer. That is the “Manly” thing to do. What a crock o’crap, huh? To further screw up America, we as women, in our fight for equality, have picked up this premise, as well. Statistics show that women and addiction have skyrocketed.

Unfortunately, many people, men and women alike, fell into the clutches of addiction, along the way. It’s much more complicated than simply thinking that this observation is why we drink. There are three contributing factors in addiction. They are;

* Predisposition

* Socio-Cultural

* Environmental

Having a parent(s) who may be an Alcoholic/Addict or have the mentality, can be a huge contributing factor. A learned behavior is another. Going to College, binge drinking or even hangin’ in the ‘hood, doing drugs, watching what other people do, thinking it is what is normal, can, as well, instill a behavior, bad behaviors, at that. Values and beliefs, not to mention, the way we are hard-wired, our DNA, all play a factor in Chemical Dependency.

So, why did I tell you all this? I tell you this because I want you to realize, that it is not as simple as asking him to limit his drinking. It is a rare scenario, where anybody that drinks 7 days a week, even a simple six-pack, does not do it for a reason. It is actually rather complex, more than I can explain to you, even here. I would suggest, your investigation of addiction, to understand it better. There are medical issues, that now factor in.

*Quite often, drugs and drinking, go hand in hand. We must understand that they and their effects are also one and the same. A chemical is a chemical. Take what you learn and put it in your tool belt, it will help you understand this insidious disease.

Why is he drinking? This has to be your question, to ask yourself and possibly him. I’d bet that there are underlying problems, things he’s running from, things he shutting up, chasing away. I’ve yet to meet anyone, who didn’t have valid reasons, in their mind, why they drank. Life sucks and to live life on life’s terms is not easy. Even if, all the problems go away, it’s not easy to physically stop drinking, especially, after you’ve been drinking, at least, a six-pack a day. Now, it is a physical dependence, not just a mental, shake off the blues, situation.

Red flags must have already gone up, concerning his behavior. You would not have written me, unless that had happened and you wanted validation. Yes, I do think you need to be concerned. It’s no joke and not to be taken lightly. Jumping into a relationship, with someone who is clearly an alcoholic, is a serious undertaking. Now, I am not saying it is not possible, for him to get clean. What I am saying is that all the wishing in the world, from you, won’t get him there. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal. This is and does, go hand in hand with step one of Alcoholics Anonymous;

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

How does a proud man, admit that he has fallen, especially when he believes the, *Great American Myth?™

It has to start with him understanding that alcohol has had an adverse effect on him, his relationships and will ultimately, cost him his life. He must realize that his 8 year old son should not have to watch his father, in the throws of addiction. Also, let me add quickly, that although a Father should be concerned, what their child thinks, it is not that child’s decision as to who his Dad’s life partner will be, should or shouldn’t be. They often have a hard time accepting anyone. His Dad needs to understand that but to behave as he did is quite regrettable and wrong. That gives the child license, to be mean, if you ask me. The child may not like you but he needs to respect you, show respect and behave accordingly. I stand with you on this one. I’d point this out to your guy that you realize that, they don’t have to embrace you but he should understand that you will be afforded respect and nothing less… NOTHING!

You also mentioned that his behavior, concerning eating, bothers you, right? You have every right in the world, to be concerned about his eating habits. But you must proceed carefully here, as well. Your habits are yours, his are his. You’ll have to approach it, realizing that eating is also the way we were raised and so on. Eating healthy does not always come naturally. If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you just begin to show him, how to adapt. If you cook for him, make something that is good but close to a comfort food. He’ll equate that, “Hey, this eating healthy gig’s not so bad?” I mean something like a nice chicken breast, baked with Mashed Cauliflower (tastes just like mashed potatoes) with butter and a nice salad. You have to start somewhere, right? But I think, you’ve got bigger fish to fry here. Meaning this situation with his alcohol abuse, is where you need to start. This sure is no Overnite Delivery, a fix that happens quickly.

Your Answer

It is my impression, that you have a lot of red flags here, as I mentioned before. I ask you, to ask yourself, are you capable of “fixing” this fella? Do you want to fix him? It is possible to be supportive but you can not,

I repeat, can not fix anybody. Nope, they have to fix themselves and they have to do it for themselves, first and foremost.
If you choose to be supportive, I offer this analogy,
“Take that bull by the horns and ride.”
This early in the relationship, you really have nothing to lose by being perfectly honest. Call it like it is, kindly, or walk away and cut you loses.

Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean.

AA/NA helped me and long before my true addiction surfaced, I had gone to meetings about addiction, to understand my own Father’s (my real Dad) alcoholism. Study all you can and I will put links here to help you. You need a pretty big Tool Belt to tackle this one, if you do, choose to do this.
My inner loyalty, to you, says get out while the gettin’s good. But if you truly care about this guy, you need to tell him so but that you will not live with his drinking. See, you have a right to be happy, too. Do not feel guilty, if you walk away now. As I said before, you can’t fix anybody. This is our first mistake, thinking we can take charge of things. We can’t change anybody, we can only suggest, advise and support. No, the change has to come from within, in the person that is having the behavioral problem. When you challenge someone’s values and beliefs, get ready for some flak. Now, it may very well be that he doesn’t like this drinking every single day and he may be aware that he has a problem. You need to sit him down and calmly, patiently ask him, if he perceives himself with a problem. Whatever you do, do not have a condescending tone. This will cause him to put up a defensive wall. He will take a survival posture and will virtually be unable to look at his problem. You’ve got to come off, in a loving manner. At the same time, you must make it a point, that he knows, you can not and will not live with this behavior, no if ands or buts about it. You don’t have to and you won’t. Now, he can go and get help, look at this, do something about it or you can go on your merry way. It’s quite possible and plausible, that he may have to enter a Rehab setting. I don’t believe he could physically, just quit. I recommend seeking Medical Advice, in a Treatment setting. This is very important. Please see it as just that, possibly the single most important thing I tell you; Seek a Professional!!
Tell him, it’s time, to pull the Band-Aid off. Even if you were to walk away from him tomorrow, you are planting a seed. You are letting him know, that his behavior is not acceptable and he needs to get help. If he’s not real receptive to jumping into a Rehab, ask him to go to an AA/NA meeting. They’ll plant seeds also and they can be your support group. It’s free and the coffee, is usually palatable. They are real people, who’ve walked down the same path.
I guess the big question here, I pose to you, is what are you willing to do, or what length are willing to go, to support your guy? Only you can answer this, right?
If you choose to support him in recover, realize that it’s a life long battle. It is treatable but you must brace yourself for the storms. I guarantee this much…it will not go away on its own. Start with talking, not pointing the finger but merely asserting understanding and willingness to support him, if he chooses to get clean. You’d better stand by what you say, too. If you tell him that, you can not tolerate this situation as it exists and if does not choose to get help, you will walk away, you’d better mean it. If you allow it, you will enable him and he will not believe that there are repercussions for his actions. You’ve got to let him fall before he can pick himself up. If your love is important to him, he’ll see that he will lose you, if he does not seek help. Most of us addicts have to hit some form of bottom, to realize that we need to climb out. It is a treacherous climb. Throw him a line, by giving him the information, where the meetings, are located. Tell him you will help him, only if he helps himself. He’ll either grab hold of that line or lay there till it stinks enough. When it stinks, as you’ve already said it did and he’s not willing to smell it and realize he is offending, get out.
Be prepared. Have your list of meetings, do your homework if it’s important enough to you and hand it all to him. Then, it is “His” decision. If you put it just like that, then he’ll feel just that;
That it’s his decision!

Work on one thing at a time, Girlfriend. Pray and brace yourself. I wish you only the very best. Now, go get it!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

The relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for “reaching” and helping an uncontrolled drinker.

In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered alcoholics describe their personal experiences in achieving sobriety, and to read A.A. literature describing and interpreting the A.A. program.

A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact alcoholics. At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.

(Click Here for Help)

**The body stops producing endorphins. Endorphins are our body’s natural pain killer. We have receptor’s in our brain, where the endorphins plug in. Try to picture sockets, in the brain, similar to a car. Where you would screw in the spark plug, the endorphins plug in, when we are in pain. The correlation being that the receptors, when there is a constant use of i.e. opiates or any kind of chemical, stop producing. They think they no longer need to produce the chemical.

*How alcohol produces intoxicating effects in the brain is not entirely understood. Most drugs have a specific receptor in the brain. For example, cocaine acts through the dopamine transporter, heroin acts through the opioid receptor, and marijuana acts through the cannabinoid receptor. These are proteins in the cell membrane that shuttle the drugs into the brain cell, where they act much like your body’s own neurotransmitters to excite or depress nerve cells. Alcohol, however, appears to have no specific receptor in the brain. Instead, it seems to affect the receptors for several neurotransmitters, including the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) receptor. GABA is one of the major messenger chemicals in the brain. It reduces the transmission of impulses between nerve cells. Alcohol can either increase or decrease GABA function in different areas of the brain, leading to inhibitory effects (such as loss of judgment) and excitatory effects (such as feelings of exhilaration). Other receptors that may be affected include those for N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), glutamate, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine. These are all natural substances produced in the brain that control things like behavior, memory, sensation, and mood. The variety of chemical pathways that are disrupted can explain the myriad effects that alcohol has on behavior and brain function.

For additional information, see the following websites:

http://alcoholism.about.com/health/alcoholism/
library/blnaa35.htm

http://www.arf.org/isd/pim/alcohol.html

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email…

Babs,

Thank you very much for a very honest answer. It’s funny I have teased him about being an alcoholic but as you said it’s a functional abuse of alcohol – he acts fine, he seems fine.

I have read all your advice and will take it on board. There are a few issues we will need to address and at least this way I can support him and have a potentially healthy relationship rather than fix him or feel like a victim. If he can’t see himself with a problem or is unable to seek help – I feel so much for him already; I am not sure where this will go. I really appreciate your answer.

What really scares me is while there are so many good things and such a good connection; there are so many cons as well. I keep finding issues and problems with things and I am wondering if I am a wannabe fixer and a bit of a control freak who is after the perfect boyfriend. I also need to accept several of my own habits and tendencies as my own and his as his.

Thank you for also saying that you have dealt with your own addictions and sought help –

Much appreciated

Phew I feel so much better getting this all out and seeing what I have to deal with; I was thinking that I am such a sabotager.

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™ is a Trademark of BoAB

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Mmmmmmm…A Slice of Humble Pie

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B:

Im not sure how to deal with the problems I’m having with my new Sister-in-Law.

We had been best friends for at least 14 years, and I had recently

married her brother after dating for six years. Our friendship fell

apart for good when I was unable to change my wedding rehearsal date to accommodate her needs (she has health problems and is considered

disabled.) A separate rehearsal date just for her was planned but she

wouldn’t accept it, it had to be all or nothing. I told her that I felt

guilty but she said I was being selfish and unreasonable and letting

down a disabled person. Eventually she ended up dropping out of my

wedding, but she attended the wedding as a guest and bad-mouthed me to her whole family and turned some of her family against me. Since my

wedding day she has further trashed my reputation and most of her family continues to be against me.

We have had many fights in the past (usually about me disagreeing with

her about something) and to resolve our issues we’ve ALWAYS had to use the mediation of a clergy person or counselor. She never has to

apologize, always has a poor excuse for her selfish behavior, and always

turns everything around to make it my fault. My husband, who is the

kindest, most easy-going person I know, is so angry with her and

doesn’t care to see her anymore. Holidays and get together’s are now

scheduled separately so that we don’t have to be in the same room with

his toxic sister.

I am not willing to be her friend but her behavior has ripped a family

apart. She has done nothing to allow the family to heal. I don’t want

to be the one to start apologizing because I feel I did nothing wrong,

but I think something needs to be done to start the healing. How can I

get her to make the first move? Also, am I wrong for being so hurt and

angry at this person, who was supposed to be my best friend and has

caused such unrest in my new marriage?

Thank you so much for any advice you have to give, Aunt B! I look

forward to hearing from you.

Woohoo, do you have your hands full, huh?
First, to make up, I would throw her a Pity Party, with lots of balloons and blowers but make sure it fits her schedule, of course (insert sarcastic tone).

I do not apologize for that. I’ve seen her kind before and it gives people with disabilities a bad name. It’s actually shameful. Because you have a disability does not give you license to be a nasty person. You get more bees with honey than vinegar, right?

I am considered disabled, (our secret, nobody knows) and do not behave any less than I would want to be treated. I was hit by two cars when I was 18. Then, years later, had to have two ribs removed, the artery and nerve moved and a portion of lung removed. My step- sister, was born with Cerebral Palsy, no kneecap, one leg shorter than the other and has had so many surgeries, to try to help her, she looks like a train track. She was also placed in an Asylum when she was 5 years old. Back in the day, (my step-sister is 50+), when a child had such disabilities, that’s what the Doctors told them to do. This place was so horrible, my Aunt, who wrote for 20/20 and People Magazine, did an investigative story and had the place shut down. Throughout it all, my sis rarely complained. Oh, she said she hurt but she never used her disability to get her way, use people or to obtain pity. She was released when she was 22 years old, married and now lives in an Assisted Living situation. I have worked with patients who are bitter and with do anything to grab a pocket full of pity and this is how I am able to see through it. You don’t have to be disabled to be a bitter and nasty person though, huh? You don’t have to be disabled to use people either, right?

Now, I am only telling you some of this, not to establish that I am mean or unfeeling. I am telling you this, only to validate your feelings. I do not believe you are wrong in this situation. I don’t care if they had to bring her in on a stretcher, hooked to an I.V. pole and a heart monitor. She should have respected the event, for what it was. You did your best to accommodate her and that still wasn’t good enough, was it? If you ask me and you did, I would label it…
“SELFISH.”
Why, do you think she behaved as she did? I think it was because you were stealing The SIL Show. The attention was on you and her brother and not her. You were stealing her thunder. If it hadn’t happened then, it would probably have happened at another big event such as a baby shower or birth and so on. Some people just can’t stand to see other people happy, either. She may be quite miserable and you know what they say, “Misery loves company.” She just screwed up and drove you away. I’m quite sure, she thought she’d get her way completely. You’d feel so sorry for her, you’d crumble and she’d have you exactly where she wants you and anybody that comes in contact with her and her world. I feel bad for her husband, oh my?
The question is; How can we point all this out to her?

The Answer

I think you should edit this post, your answer here and send it to her, along with how you feel. What do you have to lose, at this point. She really needs someone, to point out that she is behaving rather childishly and with complete disregard for her brother, amongst others.

Or

You can pray for Wisdom and write her a letter. In that letter, you state that you want to end this bitter feud. I am a huge fan of writing letters. When you try to talk to someone, in a heated situation with added discomfort, the letter does not allow for them to take a defensive posture and not hear what you have to say. The added bonus, is that quite often, for many people, what they read, may sink in deeper than what they’ve read. This is true, especially, when they’ll want to come back in a nasty way. This takes away their ammunition and render’s them equalized for that moment. The way you term things, the psychology of it all, will be the key.

I would tell her that, you no longer want to keep up or fuel this chaos in the family, it has been damaging and serves no purpose(She will have to look at the whole affair and if she continues, after you’ve made this statement, then she is the one that is not acting on behalf of the family). You tell her, that you make this gesture for her brothers sake. You state that you no longer want strife in the family over what should have been a memorable occasion for “her” brother(emphasis is taken off of your feelings and placed on her brother and how she is treating him). You tell her, that you are trying, to be adult about this, for the sake of the family and you would hope she could do the same(She will then, hopefully look at the fact that it is not a mature stance, she has taken). Tell her, that it was never your intention to offend her but you had done all you could to accommodate her and her needs (She will have to look at the fact that you did offer her a lot of leeway and hopefully see that she was acting in a pitiful manner, using her disability to get her way). State that you want to end this long, arduous and painful feud, as you know in your heart that it is not good for the family(See, now you have made it very clear, if she continues this whole affair, she must not care how her family feels). State that you no longer want to inconvenience the family to accommodate, the two of you and a bad situation or bad blood between the two of you. Why should they suffer for a disagreement between the two of you? Can we end this, for the sake of the family and especially, “Your Brother?” Then, you say, “How can we end this?”

See, you’ve not apologized and you’ve not really given in. You’ve kept your dinity and served up a slice of humble pie, for you both to share, of course she’ll get a much larger piece than yours cause you are not the selfish one, right, lol? I think you have detoured, the whole responsibility and the weight or burden back where it belongs. It’s doubtful, she’ll even realize it. If after you’ve written this letter and sent it to her and she does not respond in a favorable stature, you can no longer carry the burden, in any way, shape or form. You have made an attempt with no admission of guilt. It will seem that you have the best interests of the family and her brother, in your heart. If she does not respond in a favorable manner, it shows her true selfish colors and she’s just a waste of time, energy and you are so much better off, without her baggage on your mind. I pray, her heart will warm and she’ll be receptive and maybe even read between the lines. I pray for your wisdom and words.

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi again Babs,

First off, I want to say I’m sorry to hear about your disabilities and

especially your sister’s. It’s good to know you both are doing OK and

living your lives the best ways you know how. (Too bad my sister-in-law

can’t live up to examples like this). My SIL should feel lucky because,

although she is considered disabled, she can do many things that others

can’t. In fact we have a mutual friend who works with individuals who

are severely handicapped (brain trauma, etc.) and said to me that Evil

One should spend a day with her on the job and then she’d realize how

good she actually has it.

With that being said, I sincerely want to thank you for your help, Babs.

I have sought the advice of others who had told me “that’s life!” or to

just ignore her completely. Your advice showed me in a kind, gentle

way, how to deal with my selfish SIL. I’m glad someone sees her for the

selfish, obnoxious b!tch that she is!

Finally someone agrees with me that writing is an easier way of

communication when you need to get your point across! Thanks for

allowing me to believe that this is OK to do, and doesn’t make me a

coward. I am the type of person who is afraid to communicate face to

face with someone during an argument, out of fear of not being heard,

being punished, or not having the chance to say everyting that’s on my

mind. (SIL detests this form of communication, by the way- sucks to be

her, I guess!)

I wrote her a letter yesterday and emailed it to her last night. The

letter had many different versions before I was able to say exactly what

I needed to say without sounding like a snot (this was kinda hard since

I basically wanted to tell her off for good, which I never got the

chance to do.) I reread your response a few times for more guidance and

things finally started to hit home. I remembered your words “I pray for

your widsom and words” and everything started to come togther

beautifully. I showed it to my husband and he said he was really proud

of me for trying to mend the rift this caused

I have not heard anything from her yet, which I don’t know what to think

of- it could mean either thing, that she either deleted it or is firing

back a 10 page nasty response about what an ungrateful brat I am and how

I’m directly responsible for her rapidly declining health (yes she’s

used that line several times on me already and I’ve falled for it

before!) Hopefully, her delay in response means that she is carefully

considering the letter, her poor choices, and what she can do to end

this. But, like you advised, our letter is giving her an option to mend

this feud for the FAMILY, and if she can’t see that for what it is, (and

this was clearly stated in the letter we want this to end for the

FAMILY’S sake) then she clearly doesn’t care about the best interests of

the family, and we should move on.

Babs, once again I want to thank you for your guidance and continued

support. The burden this feud has created for me already seems to have

been lifted and I feal better about things already. I plan to keep you

posted on the outcomes of this, and I pray for the best as well. Please

keep up with the wonderful support. I am happy that you have shared

your gift of advice with me, and I hope you continue to help others for

many, many yers to come!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Love Knows No Heirarchy

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new great aunt, but because we lost our mother at an early age (12) I am also considered the grandmother because I have taken care of all my younger siblings all through their lives and have been there for numerous births. I am sure my sister wants first dibs on grandmother, but where do I fit in on giving advice etc .without stepping on toes? We have our first great-grand-baby due tomorrow.

Thanks, Lynn

Hi Lynn,

Wow, this is a bit vague but the title of this post speaks the answer, huh? As family, you have a right in the say so of all things, if you choose and the family member is receptive.
In today’s world, things are different than they were years upon years ago. We now have more step families but we’ve always had your situation, where a sibling raises the family. Unfortunately, especially in days gone by, the parent or parents often dyed young, leaving a sibling to do the rearing. There was often no choice. It commendable that you all got through it but to persevere is a dying art, as well.

Your Mother died and none of you are really the Grandmother, correct? But let me tell you this; I adopted my daughter, when she was 15 years old. She came into my home and became part of my family. In reality she is not my daughter, now is she? I did not give birth to her, do I have a right to want her to call me Mom? No, I do not have a right to it. There is no entitlement but it sure made me feel good when she starting calling me Mom and my husband Dad. In turn, when she had her first and only daughter, I was Grandma. I loved it, even though I was kind of young, when my Grandbaby called out to me, “Grandma.” It felt really good and I can understand.
Your situation is a bit different, is it not? I do not know just how close, you and you siblings are? If you are close, I invite you to sit down and talk about this. I do not mean to offend any of you but not one of you has the right to claim to be Grandma, really? So, for the sake of the child, you must work this out. When the child grows up, can they explain or can you explain to them the connection, the family tree? I think it is also honorable to want to fill that gap, that void, so the child does have a Grandparent. This is a touchy situation and I think it comes down to who is oldest, maybe? I am having a hard time answering this because it is evident that I don’t have the whole story? What is wrong with you all just being Aunts and Uncles, unless you’ve already started the process of changing roles? Is this what happened? You did say, that there were already, several births, right? Who is or have you already designated someone as Grandmother? If you are already, “Grandma,” why change it?

Even if you are or are not, you should be there, as family in all things. If this means that you give advice, it is because you care. Being a “know it all” and “my word is the law” is different than a family member that cares and wants only the best for their entire family, right? I think you only want the best for this child.

My Answer

Not one of you has the entitlement or reserve to call yourself “The Grandmother.” So, you must work it out amongst you and try not to confuse things and especially in regards to the child and their hold on understanding the family tree. Regardless of what you want or your sister wants, or the feelings involved, you must do the right thing to not confuse the child. I invite you to have your family read this. I invite you all, to then sit down and really talk this out. The child will love you regardless of title, if you are there, an active figure in their lives. They will most certainly, be a fortunate person, to have the love and thoughtfulness of an Aunt. Many people have little or no family. So, it is a wonderful thing, that you all care enough to give this new child a sense of family. I hope, you can all, work this out. Please send me more information, so I may understand, if this has not been helpful. I do hope things turn out well and for the interest of the children. My prayers are with you!

Hopefully a big Congrats is in order very soon.

Sincerely,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Some Things Are Better Left Dead

Monday, March 12, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Aunt B

I could really use some advice. I am currently a freshman at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. I dated an awesome girl for two years while I was in high school but decided to call it quits due to the long distance(I lived in Ohio during this time). After we broke up, my friends and I decided to plan a senior trip to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. During my time on vacation, my best girlfriend and I had sex. To add a third dimension, it was my brother’s ex. I have had a guilty conscious about it ever since, but have somehow kept it locked inside. This has had a tremendous impact on me because she was only the second person I ever had sex with. The third girl was at UAB(My College). Within the last couple of months, my ex-girlfriend and I have decided to get back together, but when the subject of sex came up I became really uncomfortable and lied to her. I want to tell her the truth, but am afraid it could ruin our relationship forever. What should I do? And should I tell my brother about me and his ex?

G

Aunt B said…

Dear Grant,

I feel you on this, right here, right now…
It’s odd that you would say this as I just spoke with my ex’s brother. I slept with him and fully understand that feeling, that guilt you speak of. That was almost 20 years ago, that I did the dirty deed. My husband (common-in-law) and I had broken up. He was extremely abusive. I put him in jail, after he put me in the hospital. His brother comforted me and you can take it from there. I immediately regretted it and always have. I have gone to my Higher Power and asked for forgiveness and I believe I am forgiven. But I do have guilt from time to time. I resumed a disastrous relationship with my husband. Maybe it was Stockholm Syndrome or just good old mental illness but I went on to have a 19 year relationship, before I got out. I never told him that I slept with his brother. In my case, he probably would have beat me half to death. I speak to him now and then because of our son. His brother answered the phone, thus my memory of the incident.
Now, this is different, your situation and I realize this. Your brother was no longer with this girl, right? I really don’t see what you did, sleeping with this girl as an attack or hurtful act upon your own brother. It’s an unwritten rule to not go out with your brother’s ex’s and that’s what it was, his ex.
I am all about confessing to a Higher Power, Priest, Rabbi, Confidant or whomever you trust, just to get it out. I may get some flack on this but…some things are better off dead.
I do not feel that, when you go into a relationship, that you owe them a sexual resume or list. Just as you do not owe them every single thing that you did as a child, teen, young adult, whatever, that you are not particularly proud of. In fact, I feel that, each relationship you start in, you start with a clean slate. What good does it do, to know who or how many people either of you, have slept with?

“Your” past is “Your” past, as well as her past is hers. You have no right to her past and she has no right to yours…leave it there, in the past. Now, don’t misconstrue what I am saying here; if you have not been practicing safe sex with each and every person, are you going to tell her/him? Probably not, so get tested. It is a murderous/unscrupulous act, to infect someone because you were not responsible.This is harsh but fact, ok? This is a huge black and white area here. Of course, we pretend there are gray areas here and we are not responsible. Every time you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with their past, especially, if they have not been responsible. In a perfect world, we would not have all these diseases but we do and they are so real and so very scary. I’ve seen it up close and personal, people dying from Hep C and AIDS/HIV. My first husband died from the effects of Hep C and I suffer from it as well. So, it’s very real.
“I never thought it would happen to me,” would be my famous last words, huh?

I know, without a doubt, some would say different, that honesty is the best policy but I feel, no one has a right to make you divulge every thing, every sexual partner or encounter. Do you really want to know every single guy, your girl has slept with? I mean really, you’ve got three on your roster. What if she has more or vice versa? It should not be a matter for discussion and I don’t know who made up this awful rule. Some things are better left dead.

When you start a relationship, a serious relationship, be faithful, start with a clean slate and be honest when it comes to your feelings with that person. What I mean is this; If you love them with all your heart, tell them.Communicate. If you are not happy and want out, don’t fool around and then go back and say, “Hey, uh, I don’t think this is working?” Now, you owe them honesty, you owe that relationship honesty and you tell them that you have been unfaithful and you move on. Hopefully, you’ll be honest and not get in that jam. It really hurts the most when you’ve been betrayed, the last one to know, when your relationship’s not working and your spouse or boyfriend, has fooled around. I truly loathe a liar, someone telling me that they love me but twisting the truth only to benefit their urges. They just love to make excuses for that behavior, too!

Your Answer

Get Tested. Assuming you get a clean result, you make it known that the past is the past and “They are your future. Them and only them and that’s what matters.” Go to your Higher Power and talk and tell. Be responsible in this and other relationships. Sex does complicate things, doesn’t it? Learn restraint. If this old relationship does work, do not complicate it with nonsense, that only clutters a clean slate. Be faithful to her or tell her it’s not working and move on before you look or shop somewhere else.

Mistakes are only mistakes, if you’ve not learned from them. If you learned from them, they are no longer mistakes, now they are, “Learning Experiences.” May you have many of these.

PS, You gotta watch those damn Spring Breaks. I went to Ocean City, Md. for Spring Break 1975 and came back pregnant. I didn’t think, nor did he, that that would happen! It changed and altered my life. Wear a condom!

This Comment was sent Aunt B via email

Mz. Babs

Thank you very much for the advice. I really needed that. It is very comforting to know that I’m not a huge asshole for not telling her the truth about my past sexual life. I also think it is a very good idea to go get tested. I haven’t thought about that I guess, but I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to know the truth. Thanks again, and you will definitely be hearing from me again if I need some guidance.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Walking Through The Fire

Monday, March 05, 2007

Dear Aunt B,

My sister is 48 years old and is a widow. She receives $350.00/month for a
pension. She will not keep a job because she usually thinks the employer is
giving her a raw deal and has said she does not really want to work for
other people. She does not want a minimum wage job but she has no education
or skills. She has a son living at home who has two good jobs but he
refuses to pay any rent or utilities. The problem is she is about to have
her house repossessed because she cannot pay. I am not rich and make just
enough to stay above water. What should I do besides pray for her,
encourage her to get a job, and point her to local agencies for help in
training for a job or in avoiding foreclosure?

Aunt B said…

It occurs to me, that you are a kind and gentle soul. I would not want to be in your shoes, not at all. I feel for you as well as your sister.

I have owned homes and I have lost them, more than once. So, I know the devastation it can cause. At the same time, I feel like saying that sometimes we need to lose everything, to gain what is most important. This is a tough situation, it really is. I don’t know all the proponents of the game nor do I know if you’ve helped her in the past. Regardless, I think that you need to proceed with care, with caution. I would not want you, to lose your sister over this. Money should never come between family or friends but you are backed in a corner here.

My gut instincts tell me to say to you, that your sister has been so busy being a victim, she has lost touch with reality. I mean, is it realistic for a son to live at home and not help with the bills? You and I know that it is wrong. She is allowing this, apparently. Of course, the son, must have less scruples than genius? After all, if you could work, save money and not pay a dime out, would you not do it? The thing is though, he is doing it to his own Mom which is beyond incorrigible and loathsome. It is the son, that should be helping her, not you. But you knew that. I could almost understand it, if the son didn’t have a job but it almost makes it worse because he does, two to boot.

If you weigh it out, which I’m sure you have, you come to a few conclusions. If you help her, financially, you may, just prolong things. If you help her, it may send mixed signals, that all is right with the world as it is and nothing will be gained.

I do not like hurting any one, much less a family member but enabling them is just as bad. That means, your sister is enabling her son and if you help her, in a financial aspect, you are enabling them both. So, is there a solution here?

I think that it is time for your Sister to see the ramifications of her situation. If she needs to redefine her, “Values and Beliefs,” now is the time to do it. It’s easy to think we are all that and shouldn’t pay our dues. It is then, that we will be humbled. I had worked as a Chef for one of the Eastern Seaboards finest restaurants. But when I went to prison, they put me in the dish room. I had to work my way up the ladder to become 1st Cook. Woohoo! My point is that Sis needs to humble herself and realistically look at things. You can bet your butt, I know how she feels. She has a grown son, yet she can’t get a good paying job, fitting her life skills. It is humbling. Losing everything, hurts even more, so which shall it be?

Laying down a cushion will not bring around change and in turn, the behavior will continue. Unfortunately, I had to learn this “tough love” philosophy, myself. I have lived in my car and I know what it is to lose everything. I have gone to prison and come out with only the clothes on my back, a plastic cup and spoon and a bit of sanity. But I survived and in turn, I realized that my behaviors are what brought me down. It was a real kick in the teeth. I played the victim. I was abused, beaten and tormented but “I” allowed it. I only tell you this, so you see or know my affirmation with your theory, of steering her in the right direction and fervent prayer. I am a firm believer in prayer. I also believe that God does want us to rely on Him. He doesn’t like ugly and he sure has an aversion for stupid and those that play stupid. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss but when we consciously look the other way, God does find a way to wake us up. He’ll hold our hand, as we walk through the learning fires and comfort us when it’s over. We’ll then realize that the finest gold is tempered.
So, if you asked me, I’d say to tell your Sister, that you will pray with her, for her reassurance, wisdom and understanding. You will help her with the leads to agencies that may help her get on her feet, in a subsidized manner. That doesn’t mean you do it for her. That means, you might look through the resources available to her and give her the phone numbers.
I think, the key issue that poses itself to me, is your Nephew, her son. She has got to realize, that she is not being the good mother, she thinks she’s being. By allowing him to think he’s getting over, that he’s on a free ride, it has all the earmarkings of an entitlement personality. That is a behavior that facilitates a survivalist mentality. “I do what I have to do, to get along.” It is the kind of person that is willing to explain away right from wrong, good from bad. They are best at giving, every explanation in the world, to justify their behavior. He’ll make excuses to justify the very fact that he would take advantage of his own Mother, to meet his own trappings. I don’t like it but Mom, your Sister has got to put her foot down and stop being a victim here. She’s doing no one a favor. She’s the one, that’s going to suffer for it, while her son moves rosily along. He needs to step up to bat, man up and do the right thing. If he does not, mark my words, Mz.Karma will be calling.
Far be it from me to want to misdirect you. I advise you to pray fervently, for wisdom for yourself and your sister. Somehow, I feel if you can weather this storm and hold fast, not giving in, all the way, she will be forced to take action and do the right thing. The right thing would be, for her to require, from her son, some much needed assistance. He owes her that and it’s a sad state of affairs that you, her sister, should even have to worry like this. Sometimes, we have to pray with our soul, a prayer from deep within us for God’s will, to be done. Now, is one of those times, I believe, to pray and…”Let Go and Let God.”

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Buffaloed?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

There is this guy that just moved in and took over in my family. We don’t really know who he is and he has been around for the past five years or so. He is 36 years old and living with my parents. My brother won’t go anywhere unless he goes and he is forcing my parents to buy houses that they can’t afford. I tried talking to my dad and mom but they just wont listen. They think it’s all going to be ok and I don’t know what else to do. I want this guy out of the picture so we all can be a family again and so my daughter can be raised without thinking that’s her uncle. How else could I fix this without my parents getting mad at me?

Sincerely,

Lisa

Aunt B said…

Dear Lisa,

I am getting a gut reaction, as you obviously have. Something is not right but I can’t put my finger on it. As I read your email, red flags went up. I am not stirred wrong, when I listen to my spirit/intuition, which is exactly what you have been hearing. No, we’re not crazy, well maybe I am but you’re in the clear, hahaha!

There are a few things you can do. Of course, this answer will be a bit vague, as I don’t have every detail, to base my response on. My suggestions can be done in conjunction with one another.

First, if you feel safe enough to do so, you write a letter of intention to this guy, stating your concerns. You firmly state, that in a business sense, you are commanding him to back off, cease and desist any further business ventures, he proposes. You also state, that you will present your attorney, (even if you do not have or can not afford an attorney, you tell him this) a copy (cc) of the letter, you are handing him, stating your feelings, loud and clear; Cease and Desist.

Try to obtain, all the paper work on these houses. State, to your parents, that you would like to reveiw them, only in their best interest. It is apparent to me, an outsider, that this guy has an ulterior motive, right? I mean, why else would he have a vested interest in obtaining or having your parents invest in these homes. It is quite rare for anybody to do anything, of that nature, out of the kindness of their heart. No, I think this fella must be driven by a stake in the proceeds, in some way. This is what you need to investigate. Assuming that you do not have the money, to obtain counsel or a private detective, I would suggest you do a little investigative work on your own. If you are concerned about animosity between this guy or your parents, if you pry, I do believe it is public information for you to go to the courthouse and ask about each and every house and who is signed as the owners. I don’t know where you live but most states, do disclose, who owns a home, each and every partner or co-owner. Contact the State Tax Assessor/Commissioner or whomever it is that you pay homeowners property taxes to.. If this guys name is listed or your parents have co-signed on the homes for him, it will be crystal clear that this guy has motive.

Now, this may sound a bit far fetched but I would go to your local Police Station and ask to speak to a Fraud Detective. I’m not saying that this guy has done anything illegal. But you stated that you do not know this guy, right? I mean, he waltzed in and buffaloed your parents and you have a true concern, not to mention a bad feeling about it all, right?

If nothing else, I know how most Police Departments operate, as well as the average Detective. I pretty much know what makes them tick, as well. So, let me tell you what to do;

You want to know who this guy is and what he’s up to, correct? Then, you take yourself down to the station and speak with a Detective. If they ask you as to what it is regards to, you tell them, possible fraud. Then, you tell them you need to speak to a detective and will only speak to a detective. Once you have audience with the Detective, you tell him/her, exactly what is going on. You tell them, that you are concerned for your parents welfare and feel something is not right. Make sure you state that you have a suspicion that this guy is trying to take your parents for a ride and behaving in a fraudulent manner. They may say they have nothing to go on but I’ll betcha, they ‘ll look at this guy. If he’s done anything, in the past or has past criminal behavior, you can bet your butt, they’ll investigate it. Most detectives, unless their workload is super heavy, will quickly run his name, if nothing else. So in this respect, the police may be able to do what you can’t. You go in there and state your real concerns for your parents and explain the whole shebang, I’m inclined to believe that they will at least see if he has a criminal past and they may advise you as to how to proceed. It is what they are there for, so do not feel you are imposing. Do not feel like you are playing dumb. Actually, you are using every means possible to get to the bottom of this whole affair, with your parents, best interest, at stake. So, what I am saying is that you have every right to feel as you do and to take whatever action you may need to take, to secure their financial welfare. If that means, speaking to the Law, then you do it. I would start with the tax office and find out what you can. What you can not obtain, the Detectives can. The investigation is warranted, I feel and I think you are right for your concern. Now, go get ‘em!
Please let me know what goes down, I am intrigued, myself now!
ohmibod

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Weathering The Storms In Marriage

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I do not know it all, nor do I claim that I do. But I have learned a few things along the way. I’ve weathered, storm after storm in my life. Often times, I did not fare well, crumbled and cut my losses. Much of what has occurred to me, in my life, the good and the bad, has become ingrained. Most of it, I learned from.

I wrote a post on my blog Chronicles of Thankfulness, concerning marriage. Please read it, live and learn.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

The True Friendship Test

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

hey aunt b!
this is just a quick question, a friend is throwing a valentines party this
weekend and you have to go as a couple. i told my best friend i would go
with her but then today a boy that i have only recently become friends with
asked me to go with him in a jokey way so i thought he was messing about and
without thinking i played along and said ’sure’. my friend was standing
there when he asked and was all like ‘what was that about?’ she thinks he
meant it but i’m not sure if he did :s i don’t know what to do and if he did
mean it then what about my best friend?
love A*****

Aunt B said…

Dear A*****,

Well, I don’t know how old you guys are but this might be one of those Best Friend tests? You will find that your BF, may very well not be, your real BF, if she doesn’t understand and bow out gracefully. I mean, your BF could get jealous if you go with this guy, instead of her. If she does get jealous, she’s not much of a BF, now is she? But I have seen the very best of the best, just hate for you to get in a relationship, especially if they’re not in one. See, then all of a sudden, your attention is on this new guy. You’re not calling them as much anymore. No, you’d rather talk with your boyfriend, for hours, as you can never get enough of him. The phone rings, you answer it and it’s your BF and you’re almost disappointed that it’s not the guy. So, a wedge is often placed between you and your girl friend. That’s just how life rolls and you can only hope to not hurt anybodies feelings, along the way. If you think you like this guy, I would explain to your friend that you don’t want to hurt her or her feelings. But you’d really like to go with this guy so, you are hoping she would understand. Then you say,”You’re my absolute BF
, so I just know you are cool about this, right?” Then, you tell her, if it was her going out, you’d be excited for her. She may feel second rate but nobody ever said life is exactly fair. We all must learn to ask ourselves what we would do, if the situation was reversed. Would it make you jealous or upset, if she were asked, instead of you? It might sting a little, right? Your friendship may be tried but maturity dictates that you try to behave in an adult, kindly and considerate manner. This means; Suck it up and try to be happy for your friend, even if you are a tad bit jealous. You smile, fix your hair, put on some fresh gloss and act with dignity.
Yes, if you like this guy, go with him to the party and have your girl friend read this. See, you were concerned enough about not hurting her, that you wrote me, made me aware that you want to do right by this BF cause she means that much to you. True friendship never dies, players just go away mad…

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

New School Is In

Sunday, February 11, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hi Aunt B,
My school prom is coming up soon and I have been told that a boy is going to ask me to go with him, this boy told me he liked me a few months ago and I told him I already have a boyfriend (but I don’t really) because I don’t like him in that way. After he told me, we stopped talking to each other because it was awkward, but recently we started talking again. Now, so soon after, he is going to ask me to the prom and I don’t know what to say. If I say yes I’m worried about what he will expect, for example do I have to stay with him the whole time and would I have to dance with him, because I would find that really awkward. Please could you help me with my decision.

Thanks,
S.H.

~~~

Aunt B said…

Dear S.H.,

You seem to me, like a considerate person or I don’t think you’d have bothered to ask me this question. I do not believe we are born with etiquette or even scruples, even moral fiber. It may be a learned behavior, passed down by our own parents, people who influence us and often those we respect the most. We also learn a beliefs and values system from the list of influences in our lives. I’ve even seen people who believe the crap on t.v. and soap opera’s and adapt from it. This is probably where you get your Golddiggers and guys who’d be more suited to be a Pimp, rather than a boyfriend. Lest I forget the old school pupils, especially guys, who believe a woman is to be sub servant and when you marry, she becomes your property to use and do with, as they see fit. Submitting to your husband out of respect, (note the word Respect), and being sub servant, are two different things, the latter puts a nasty taste in my mouth. See, it takes all kinds to make the world go round but it can all be attributed to the variables of our influence and what we choose to take on as our own values and beliefs. Get the picture?

You’ve not given me too much to go on, thus a vague and broad approach. So, I’ll try to cover the bases here. You’ve not stated, that you may believe, that you might not have a date for the prom? Is this why you are even considering going with this guy? I mean, for real, why else would you not simply tell this guy that you don’t want to go? But I also noted that you told him, when he asked you out, that you had a boyfriend, just to block his pursuit, right? Don’t think that I don’t understand. It’s very hard, to let someone down, who’s trying to be nice and you gave him the best, safest, last minute explanation, you could muster on the moment. Possibly?

You asked my opinion but I think you already know the answer. You must do as your heart dictates, right? Prom decorum is not my strong suit. I was off with the stoners, at the time. Then, at 16, not thinking it would or could happen to me, I got pregnant. This was life altering as I walked up the isle to the alter, four months after my 16th birthday. Is that why they call it,”Standing at the Alter”? So, I was never at a Prom but I know this much; you must treat others the same way you want to be treated.
If you don’t like people gossiping about you, not being honest, using you, making fun of you, stealing from you, fooling around on you, taking you for granted and the list could go on and on, then you don’t do or behave any way, you wouldn’t or shouldn’t behave. I am a firm believer in Mz.Karma and what comes around, goes around. This is one of life’s little lessons, I had to learn the hard way. Prison is full of people, who’ve met Mz.Karma. Society calls it justice but as I sat in Prison for 3 1/2 years, I got to know and love Mz.Karma. She taught me well, all about treating people as I wanted to be treated. Yes, this is a harsher version of life and I seriously doubt you will end up as I did. I tell you this as a life lesson, for good reason. We all, formerly meet Mz.Karma Bitchslap, in one way or another, even on a small basis. If you remember these words and practice them, all the days of your life, she’ll be your best friend. You can sit back, with amusement and watch as she deals with people everyday, in every way. Those with no compassion, will endure the likeness of that which they did not understand. Those that lived with disregard, towards others, will know her on a first name basis and she will give them a jagged pill to swallow. I know, I lived it.
I am not implying that you behaved sordidly. I am telling you all this, so you may make your own decision. I feel things, I can not explain. We’ll call it “Intuitiveness.” I am also very Empathic. My intuition tells me that you’re a good hearted person who is an individual/independent person, who marches to their own drummer. You want to do the right thing, I know this. So, ask yourself this; if the tables were turned and you wanted to go to the Prom with this guy cause you thought he was all that and you asked him to go to the Prom, what do you want from him? Do you want him to say yes, only to kinda dump you, you know, once you get there? Would it hurt you, for him to walk away and dance with other girls and then, leave with his friends for the after Prom parties? Then, you’d probably be wondering why he even said “yes”, when you asked him to go with you?

If you do choose to go with this guy, it won’t kill you to dance with him and to hang out. You may find it truly nice to be with someone who thinks you’re all that. Live without regret. If you don’t think you can get over that awkward feeling, which is worse…sitting home on Prom night or going and telling yourself that it’s a date, hopefully, the first of many, in your life and you will commit to having a good time. Going to Prom does not give him license to act like an ass and to push you to do something you’re not comfortable with. Do I read between the lines that this may be your concern, that he may want to cash in on his investment? If this is the true reason you are apprehensive, then let’s approach this, ok?
Every chick in the world needs to know this; going on a date with any guy does not mean that you owe them jack shit. Nor does a guy buying you a drink, once you’re old enough to go out clubbing or whatever. If he buys you dinner and diamonds, it still is not an invite or obligation that you must put out. If you meet a guy who’s like this, it’s a good indication that he’s a peckerhead not worth wasting your time with. True love is rarely found in a one night stand or giving into a guys advances early in the program. Oh sure, they’ll talk shit but deep in their mind, they’re thinking you’re easy and not the kinda chick they’d want to meet their Mom. Nope, they’re actually thinking that you’re a sleazebucket who puts out and you can bet your butt, all his buddies will know all about it. If this is your real concern and the true meaning of your angst and awkward feeling about this dude, then you must read and re-read this.

If you then choose to go out with this guy on Prom night, I want you to wear one of Aunt B’s Bitch belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I’m talking about is not what some people think or understand. I’m talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we’ve, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or “I am woman, hear me roar.” But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a “Bitch.” I’m wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We’re not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We’re the new woman and we’re standing proud. We’re pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She’s a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else’s expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he’s a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you’ll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won’t give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date. It’s a test for you both. Is his motive, to take you to Prom and then get into your pants? Can you go out, on Prom night, have a good time, enjoy his company and stand your ground?
Put on your Bitch Belt and wear it like Prada, Sister!

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email…

Thanks so much for your advice! It was very helpful and somewhat inspirational
I’ve learned a lot from your advice and it has helped me and will definitely help me in the future as well!
Thanks again
S.H.

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

The Domino Effect

Thursday, February 08, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi Aunt B… this is the first time I’ve ever asked for advice from anyone
and you seem like a nice person to ask, so here goes

My name is ***** and I’m 15, and there is a girl that goes to my school who
a lot of my friends are friends with (if that makes sense). We went out for
about a week, but she dumped me for some1 else, some1 she had known longer
and went out with him. She explained to me why and I have no hard feelings
against (sorry i cant spell) him. That relationship lasted about a month. Now
its about 1 and a half months later and shes been alienating people. Shes
angry at her best friend and thinks that everyone thinks shes bitchy and
apathetic, and thinks no one cares. She told me a few days ago that I’m one of
the only people she can talk to anymore. I really care about her and want
her to know that I care without seeming to try to win her back. Her sister
moved away not long ago and i know that no1 can comfort her like she does,
but i want her to know that she is cared about and that she still has
friends that will be their for her.

Sincerely,

misunderstood existence

Aunt B said…

Dear Misunderstood Existence,

You already earned my respect and props, for being a stand-up guy. I just wanted you to know that.
I am almost as old as God but I sure can remember what young love, gone awry, can be and feel like. I take it, that you like this girl but don’t want to seem like you are hitting on her or have D.L. intentions, right? You’ve already proven, at least to me, that your intentions are more than honorable. You would be a liar, if you told yourself that you didn’t have a wish, that this chick would view you in a different light, right? Well, there’s not a thing wrong with having honest emotions, my friend. Own them , keep them in check and listen to me.
Every true and long lasting relationship, starts with friendship. Most long term couples, found that they stayed the distance because they were with their best friend. When a couple digs in, for the long haul, it is usually with someone of similar interests. It must be someone you enjoy talking to. It must be someone you enjoy pleasing, remember this, all the days of your life, ya hear me? Repeat it in your head. It has to be someone that you respect, as a person. If you respect that person, you will trust them, their emotions, trust them to hold your love for them above all things.
Now, I know you have not mentioned love. A good example of young love is this; Have you been in love yet? I’ll bet you have, she has, I have, we all have. First, there are so many types and kinds of love and even more definitions. As you grow older, how you look at and embrace love, changes and evolves. Young love is a proving ground. My point was or is, have you fallen head over heels in love, they took your breathe away, when you saw them, you thought you couldn’t live without them and they became your whole world? If you’ve not yet, felt this, you will. You have all this emotion wrapped up, in this one person and they let you down or hurt you, did some kinda dirt and you broke up. You walked away thinking, “Just what in the h*ll did I see in this person, they are so nasty?” They may be literally ugly to you because…love is dumb, blind, crippled and crazy…just the way it should be. Looks should never matter but love does tend to help you overlook a persons shortcomings, thank goodness. True love, does not search for fault, remember that!
I tell you all this, not to down play your feelings and emotions or your girls. I tell you, so you can see that love is a tricky bugger. But the true stuff, the right stuff, the kind dreams are made of, come from true to life friendship, first and foremost.
I’m telling you to be her friend. Be that person she knows she can count on and talk to. Tell her that you’ll be there for her, as her friend and state that you’re not trying to hit on her. Make it clear that there are no strings attached to your friendship, it’s free and real.

The Clincher

You must prepare yourself. She may take your offer and run with it, only to begin dating or seeing someone else. You may always be nothing but a friend. It may even be painful to stand on the sidelines, cheering on, a chick, you have feelings for. But at the same time, through your friendship, no strings attached, you may get to know her and find that you really have nothing in common but friendship. This is why, years ago, people dated, a long time, before they became serious and took their relationship to the next level, get my drift? That next level can complicate things, tremendously. You’ve got to be strong in the best friend department before you can with stand, marriage, sex, children, finances and all the other crap that real couples must weather. Comprenda?

The Domino Effect

Your friendship is gonna be the most important part, the integral piece to your relationship whether it is with this girl or any girl, ever. By being her friend first, she may become close to you. Most chicks marry a guy they felt safe with, emotionally, unless she’s a gold digger. You let her be safe with you. You listen to her and her feelings, I mean, really listen.
If it’s meant to be, she’s gonna see that you are really a good guy. She may eventually see that you listen to her. This is one of the first mistakes, a guy makes, cause he didn’t listen. Most chicks love to talk about themselves. So, if you try to get to know her and are inquisitive, she’ll see a natural interest but she’ll feel safe, to open up and give you more of herself, more than she gives others. Be that friend, who she can count on, who listens. If it is meant to be, it’ll all fall in to perfect order, just like a Domino Effect.
Let me know, down the line, how things go and feel free to contact me anytime, lovie.

Big Hugs,
Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Wild Horses

Thursday, February 01, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hi Aunt B,

I’ve been having this issue with a co-worker. I’ve worked at this bar for 2 years now and have worked with him the whole time. After about 6 months he started kinda flirting with me, nothing to take to heart. I would just catch him staring at me a lot and he would make little comments about sex, the kind of talk you would expect in a bar environment. I knew he had a girlfriend that wasn’t very nice, she came into work all the time and would start screaming at him then they would go outside. I’m not sure what they fight about and it was really none of my business. However I have seen him on a few occasions taking someone other then his GF home after we closed. So after a few months of him flirting with me I got drunk and told him I liked him. Actually I told him “I was going to hump him someday” Gosh what a pickup line uh. lol Anyway I’m pretty sure he got the picture. Then my friend was talking to him and he said he had a GF and I though ya know thats cool. I’ve seen him cheat on her but perhaps he was letting my down easy and just didn’t like me. So things we awkward for a lil bit but we got over it. That was last July. So then we started talking again, and once again he started flirting with me. Like when he would put limes in a beer he would move them in and out in a seductive way and when I look up at him he stares straight into my eyes with those “I want you” eyes. He calls me “My Love” and hugs me all the time. We are just really extra sweet to each other constantly and I really really like him. After all this time he still make my heart skip a beat, and I cant sleep at night, I think about him all the time and his hugs make all the problems in the world just disappear. Did I mention he is smokin hot, with beautiful blue eyes. lol I’m pretty sure all we would have is a one night stand, but I think we would be a great couple, but I’d settle for anything from him. So after all this time of us playing around nothing is happening. He is still with his GF, and we still flirt horribly. Am I just reading him wrong? He doesn’t act that way to the rest of the girls. Pretty sure he knows I still like him. Do you think he is just playing me so I keep taking good care of him when we work? Should I just stop flirting so much and move on or try harder to get him? I would hate to always wonder what if. How is it possible for a guy to break my heart and we never even dated.

Lonely and Confused in

South Dakota

Aunt B said…

Dear Lonely and Confused,

My first reaction is, to live like you were dying. But after careful thought, I would not tell you that. I realize he is hot and I sure remember that, “take my breath away” feeling. I want you to consider one thing; if he has a girlfriend, already and behaves as he does, what makes you think he would not do this to you? Would you be setting yourself up, for a hurtful scenario? Obviously he’s a Playboy. Now, you may be the exception to the rule but please process this, look, listen and watch. His track record shows that he is not loyal and trust worthy, is he? If a guy already has this “fool around” mentality, it is not easy to change short of threatening his life. That worked for me but not before a lot of heartache, seriously. No, he must not be happy in his relationship. But why does he stay in it? Is he using her? She’s obviously a bitch but he stays with her and just fools around. Why is this? There’s always a motive. Maybe she offers stability. Maybe, she’s a bitch because she’s got an idea that he is so flirtatious? Regardless, the fact of the matter is that he stays with her and if they’re not married, he’s not obligated. So, why does he behave this way? I’ll tell you why; because he can and will.

Flip the Script

The other side of the coin is this; I am a true believer in what comes around, goes around. I am on a first name basis with…. Mz.Karma Bitchslap, we go way back. We met on bad terms and she whipped my ass. But now, for the most part, we’re the best of friends. I tell you this for one reason; Karma. You know he’s in a relationship, even if it is floundering and he claims to be unhappy. Only do what you want done to you in return, ok? If you want to know the pain of being fooled around on, go ahead but if you have scruples, you’ll think this one through.

Solution

You can completely ignore him or you can begin a master plan. If you are really interested and you know he is not happy and you do want to pursue him, you need a nice warm cup of steaming passion and honesty. If he gets close enough and you know he is really flirting, on a serious level, you talk to him. With all the passion you can muster, you look your best, look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. That you know he is with somebody and for that reason, you will not go out with him. Then, you tell him that if he ever decides to be nice and play fair, to look you up. You may get a mixed emotional reaction but it will hit home. Don’t fall prey to his games. Don’t allow him to play you. No, I want you to play him and take charge. If he’s really interested, he’ll clean his nasty ass ways up, think about how much he’ll respect you because you are not a pushover. He just might realize that you are the one filly, he couldn’t break. Wild horses, girlfriend. Remember, when you walk away from him, after your little conversation, I want you, to strut your shit, ya hear. Leave him looking at what could be, on your terms. One last thing; if I never hear from you again I want you to remember one thing…never be stupid when it comes to your man. If you’ve seen him in action, don’t ever underestimate his ability to hurt you. Trust is one thing, stupidity is another, meaning, you never feed your man to the she-wolves. Don’t leave him unattended. Meet his sexual needs, keep your appearance up and try to maintain the spark. If you do all this, he should not have to shop any where else, right?
I wish you the best in this endeavor Feel free to email me, if I can chat with you again. Keep me abreast as to the outcome, please.

Big Love,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

A Flower Blooms

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Egyptian Flower

This was sent to Aunt B via Email

Dear Aunt B,
am a 19 years old Egyptian gal . i’ll try to keep my story short. 6 months ago friends of my family were invited over and we were there too.next day grandpa told me that their son said he admires me (keeping in my mind we didnt speak a word together) next thing i know we’re all out again . to be honest that day we talked , not much about life , but that little bit gave me a good impression . we all traveled in a couple of days and there started the disaster. I started realizing we’re not compatible at all, when i said so my parents thought i had a problem and they nagged about me giving him another chance . They actually never stopped underestimating me and saying am not worth better than him . first i thought i had commitment fear issues and decided to give him another chance. I started treating him real well although i never for once felt i loved him ! During those 5 new months i realized he’s a big liar , a trouble maker and someone who totally does not care about me. He tells me my mom told him stuff than when i ask her she says she never said such things. He talks badly about my parents , does not respect my opinions , friends or anyone. We’re always fighting and he always calls my mom to get her to convince me give him another chance. a couple of days ago we had another fight ( always stupid ones , that this one was about me waving to a guy i know who was passing beside us), that was when i really hit rock bottom , i told him that was not gonna work out and that i wont take it anymore. like every time he sent me a flower ( i dont believe this is out of apology , i think it’s just to show my parents he does nice things ) this time it didnt work for me either and i just could not call him . his mom called yesterday to know what happened and that is when she knew everything and she made him call me after that( although he didnt call all day long to check on me knowing that i have exams and am upset with him ) when i asked him if he was going to call alone without someone telling him ,he said no. The thing is i was gonna end this yesterday but again he said he’ll change , i honestly listened to this i will change from him a 100 times and he never changes a bit. i dont know what to do , i dont like him anymore and at the same time i dont want to upset my mom because she really wants this to work out.
i really need your advice am so torn apart .
yours sincerely
anonymous-gal

Aunt B said…

Dear Anonymous Gal,
Far be it from me, to put a wall between you and your family, especially, your Mom. But if you are saying these things and feel all this, from an early stage in the relationship, then I think you should listen to your gut instincts, what your Spirit dictates. You seem, rather wise for your years and you also seem responsible, even with your emotions. You are 19 years old, an adult, here in the U.S. but I do know that old school Egyptian protocol would be to listen to your Mother, always. You must respect her, right? Always respect your Mom but take control of your life. You are not a little girl and they must not treat you as such. Mom is trying to make things work, as he obviously, has snow balled her, pulled the wool over her eyes.
Something does not sit well with me, on this. I have a bad feeling that he will not change and it may get worse.
Out of respect, I think you need to sit down with Mom and tell her, that you love and respect her. Tell her that she must look in to your eyes and see the pain this guy causes you. She must try to see that, you already know that he will not make you happy because of the lying and manipulation he uses, so easily. Obviously, your heart and soul, does not trust him. He uses your Mom against you and that right there is so wrong. You may have to tell her that he has been manipulating her too. You can not do, say or think, in an underhanded way, all in the name of love. He has done this. Tell Mom, that you simply need time away from him. If it is truly meant to be, he’ll wait and he’ll wait patiently. Between you and me, I don’t think he will really wait. My gut insinct tells me that he may be a control freak. If he is, it only validates his manhood, if he controls another. The test will be, if he waits or he moves on quickly. You are young and have time. I know it often feels like you must have things right, right now, today. But you have time. I get the feeling that you are attractive, not beautiful but very attractive, inside and out. You will have no problem moving on, finding another. But time is on your side, keep saying this to yourself. There’s nothing worse than growing old and having regrets. But if you live your life with the mind set, that you will try to live without regret, you be doing yourself a big favor.
Step away from the situation, as soon as possible. Tell Mom, you really need time to think. Tell her that you respect her opinion and you want her blessings, in whatever you do. Hold her face, make her look into your eyes. Make her see the pain, this guy brings to you. Make sure that she understands, that something is not right and you need time. See, she really only wants you to be happy. But this guy has her seeing the side, he wants her to see and not the whole story. If she has faith, tell her, that you need her to pray about this, that the scales will be taken down from the seeing eye, of her soul. Tell her to search her own soul for the truth and you do the same.
Time is on your side. You do not have to do anything, right now. If he is pressuring you, tell him to back off, that you need time. Confront him with the lies and deception and tell him this is not a good start for any relationship. You may also, tell him to write me, even though I doubt he would. I would just love to hear his side of this story, though. There are always 3 sides to any story, right? There’s yours, his and the facts. There is always a reason behind the things we do, a motive to the madness. As example, when you waved at that guy, he became very jealous. Though it may not be right, it may be a normal reaction, right? I mean, if he was waving, all friendly, to some good-looking, really hot chick, how would you feel? Would it cause any jealousy on your part? Always place yourself in their shoes. This will help you understand, why he does, what he does. I think he’s desperate, thus he has done the things, he’s done.

The Solution

I think you should speak to Mom and really tell her, just how badly this sits with you. Tell her that something is not right and she is not seeing it. Pray that she will. If you are not a believer, then I suggest, that you own your emotions, own your life by taking the control back. Refuse to be forced into a life, love, situation and possibly marriage, based on a lack of trust, deception and under handed behaviors. Then, test the waters. The true exam for this guy to pass, is if he will allow some time between you. If he really loves you, he will wait and think about why, you need time. It may be a wake up call, for him. Never change who you are for anybody. Bending is one thing but to alter the core of your very being, is wrong. Allow me to point out the fact, that you can not really change him, either. He has ingrained behaviors, life long values and beliefs. It takes quite the person to completely change this. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks but it usually takes a shock collar. In other words, if he might truly improve himself, to be honest, trusting and an above board kinda guy, he must have the shock of his life and he must truly be in love with you. Let him prove it. Yes, you are worth it, you are all that and never think any less of yourself. I can already tell, or feel, that you are a good woman and you will be a good wife. Here, let me beat this into you, lol! It’s all about time, girlfriend and time is on your side. Sit Mom down, tell her from your heart, let her see this as it actually is. You have arrived as a woman, when you can respect and appreciate your Mother and she then becomes your friend, someone you not only love but like. Take control, in a respectful manner and have her sit with you, not as your Mother but as your life long friend. Once you are able to do this, all else will fall into place. Remember, you have a right to be happy, ok?
Please let me know how all this goes, please? I wish you only the very best and a very happy life. You are worth it. Did you hear me? Yes, you are so worth it. You are a beautiful flower, just beginning to bloom.

Big Love,

Aunt B

I received this comment back from Anonymous Gal…

Dear Babs
you have no idea how your reply made me feel . I really appreciate your caring and am so sorry to hear about your surgery hope it is nothing serious. I am a believer and believe that things will always go to the right direction even if i don’t see it now. I will keep praying and i already talked to mom the other day . he has a last chance to prove his love and to change , because that could be the only thing that would make this relationship move forward. pray for me and thank you for thinking highly of me . I will certainly stay in touch with you . I appreciate having you as a friend. Wish you all the luck with your surgery , i will pray for you and hope you get well soon. Please tell me when you are back safe and sound .
hope you get well soon and thank you very much for making my day with your lovely words.
yours sincerely

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Priorities and Perspective=Solution

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

In March of 2005, before Anthony and I were together, he met a girl on an online dating service. They had a one night stand. A few days later he emailed her and told her that he didn’t feel it would work and he didn’t want to see her again. The next day she told him she was pregnant. Anthony was honest with her from the very beginning by telling her that there was no chance they would be together. He tried to convince her that abortion or adoption would be best based on the situation. When she insisted on having the baby he told her he would support her decision and pay her support, etc. She continued to “fatal attraction” pursue him. He maintained he wasn’t interested in her. Shortly after this Anthony and I met hit it off and I moved in. This enraged this other woman. She fought with Anthony her entire pregnancy. She refused to give his son his last name. She named the baby Cooper because Anthony told her he didn’t like it. She told him he wouldn’t be allowed in the delivery room (later she did allow it). Once the baby was born she did everything in her power to keep Anthony from the baby. She would only allow him to visit the baby in her home and only for an hour at a time. They both got attorneys. Anthony fought to see the baby 4 times a week for the hour she would allow. Once his attorney sent her a letter requesting 2 hour visits to take place in our home she packed up her house, yanked her 6yr old twins from school, and moved 6 hours away to her mother’s house to keep Anthony from seeing his son. The child is 13 months old now and still lives far away. Anthony has been seeing the child once a month for 3 days for 5 hours each day. The mother is still horrible to deal with. We are married with a baby due in May. This is negatively affecting our home life now too. Here is the dilemma: Anthony is seriously considering cutting ties from his son. He would continue to send child support but would not see him or his mother anymore. He believes this would minimize the stress and turmoil that we believe is endless. We believe that the mother will never come around and allow this to be anything but dysfunctional. Anthony doesn’t want to continue to allow the mother to cause us trouble. As it is, she only allows short visits not parenting time. He doesn’t know what to do and I feel like my opinion is biased. He’s hung up on the “what if”. What if this decision hurts the baby? What will other people think? Would this make him a “dead beat” dad? At the same time he feels like his priority is with us, his current family. He wants to make a decision soon because right now the baby wouldn’t know the difference if he didn’t see Anthony anymore but later on that won’t be the case. This has morally got him tied in knots. Any advice or insight would be helpful. D.H. of W.F.

Aunt B said…

Dear D.H.,

Hmmm, You’ve got me feeling this one. There’s not much of an answer here but a solution you can all live with. There are too many variables and at least one little persons life at stake, possibly two with your own unborn child. I do not take this lightly. In fact, it makes me wanna run for higher ground but I won’t run and neither should you. Let’s start with this definition of a deadbeat Dad;

Noun 1. deadbeat dad – a father who defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring deadbeat, defaulter – someone who fails to meet a financial obligation

This is societies definition. We can never give everything we want to give, to our children but we should try to show some responsibility. Even if, you guys are in a pickle and you must curtail some payment to this child, never stop completely and always keep receipts. I am not encouraging you to stop payment but if you have to minimize, try to pay something every month, it at least shows effort on your part. If you can’t afford to send something as a good will gesture, you can not afford to buy luxury items, upgrades and the like. Remember this. I am not implying that he is not looking at his life responsibly, only making a statement for future reference. It is important, for your husband to realize his financial obligation and I believe he is. It is important for you to take him as he is, for richer for poorer. You can not refuse the past, his past but you can take control of it. It looks like he is trying…kudos!
My gut feeling is this; this chick is using his son as a pawn. She is bitter and trying to make it as difficult as possible for him to maintain ties. I think he has gone above and beyond and in many respects, this is commendable.
This is an all around bad situation, especially or rather, in many ways for you. Your husband needs to set some restraint on the situation with the ex/one niter, I agree with you both.
Take control back. I would not say that it is selfish of you to want your husband’s time and devotion to go to you and your unborn child. He needs to concentrate his efforts in your direction…for a time. I really feel that you need to keep yourself as stress free as possible. Is it possible that to curtail the visitation or better yet, place it on a minimum level for now might be the answer? It may serve a multi-purpose.
I’m all about realizing we have choices in everything we do or have done. We often do not realize, those choices, till things are said and done. But if we have a,
“before catch,” meaning if we realize we have choices before we do something stupid or regretful, we are more in control. In addition to this, when we look in the mirror and do not lie to ourselves but stand true, we are able to see any overcast or stumbling blocks, that may very well hinder us, emotionally. Emotionally, this woman is hindering you both, not their son but the mother. By taking back control and calling the shots, you set the agenda. As I said before, I believe his efforts need to be, to that which is important, right now. That would be your unborn child. I truly believe that if you have a stressful pregnancy it may affect the child. Call me daffy but this is just life experience, not medical fact, that I know of. To be able to enjoy your birthing/newborn experience, you must realize the importance of it and calibrate by it.
Choices.
I do not think he should cut all ties, as it will and can be used against him later. It will be thrown in his face. There is a way around that though. He needs to keep an open file,literally and figuratively, all about his son. If he sends $5 to his son, even if it seems petty, he needs to have record of it. When he can not visit, he should call and own the conversation. Simple and brief, asking only about the well being of his child, she does not need to know his business. You want things amicable but you may have to view it as a business venture. He should write down a brief on each and every conversation, date and time. In a legal aspect, he is doing his part, I know from experience, by making these ,
“caring calls.”
You did not tell me if either have custody of the child or if the court has been involved at all? If they have, he must abide to the letter or go back in front of the judge for modification. If he was given or granted visitation and he varies from it, he can be held in contempt. If no court intervention has taken place, assuming his name is on the birth certificate, he has as many rights as she does and may call the shots within reason. If he wants to visit, he needs to give 48 hours notice and she needs to try to accommodate the visit, without excuse and within reason. He will only keep this upper hand, if he stays in touch, concerning the welfare of his son. If you asked me, I would tell you that the early years are more important, the child being, primarily with the mother. I think he could afford to step back and regroup for the sake of your child, together. You did ask my opinion and I am going to tell you what I feel. I am not a legal expert but can only tell you what I have learned through life experience. To cover all bases, let me say this;
I feel that a child needs the influence of two parents. But anything you say or do, give or take, can and will be misconstrued by all or any of your children. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. All you can strive to do is instill good values and a belief system that will sustain them and hope that they become sound citizens.
In days gone by, the mother stayed home and the father worked. See, it’s not so much about the quantity of time but the quality, using your time together in a constructive manner. Back then, the father often had one day, usually Sunday and he spent it at home, hopefully with his children. It is not so much or so important to spend every waking moment with your child but using and utilizing the time you do have together to instill what is important; your values and beliefs. It can be a time for teaching. But this can go on later, when his son is older.
This letter is to you. You feel guilty because you need the attention of your husband. Do not feel guilty, as you have a right and valid need. You are married to him and his first priority is you and your unborn child. He is torn between being a good father to his son and a good husband, right now. I say, he can do both but his main concern should be to you and your baby. He must have a strategy to make this work. Why not tell the other mother that right now, he needs to direct himself differently. If he says it any other way, it may be spit back in his face. He can call, concerning his son. He can send a check specifically noted, for the purchase of pictures. I think the important thing, is for him to realize that he can call the shots and to stand firm. He can not allow this woman to infiltrate his or your space. Own the situation, take charge for the sake of all involved. We need more men, like your husband, who actually have a real concern for their children. Tell him to read this. Tell him to step back, we’re gonna punt here. He must prioritize things. His son does not need to take a backseat to his new child. The child in his heart, is his son and he can not help how the mother is.
Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a lifetime to realize that a parent was trying, they were there if only in spirit and they were loved. But it is important to put things into perspective and have priorities. It is a survival instinct to want to walk away from a painful situation, is it not? This relationship, with this ex, is volatile and she is using it, thus far, to her advantage. Now, I’m telling your husband, to set the plays, call the shots and be the quarterback. If he takes charge and tells her like it is, he has been more than honest. If it is not within the scope of things, to visit, he needs to call and inquire. He should continue to send something in the form of support, I don’t care if it’s $10-$20-$30, it shows that he is trying and just like a creditor, they can not refuse, even a small payment and they can not hold it against you. But you blow it off and it will blow up in your face. Making an effort can never, ever be hurtful, right? Even on a minimal, level, which I recommend, you can’t be called on it and your child can never think, years down the road, that he was not loved.
All we can try to do, is love our children, make sure they are attended to and provided for. He does owe his son this, does he not? But that does not mean has to cow tow to an unreasonable mother, who is only trying to hurt him and hit him where it hurts. I’ll feel a whole lot better, if he puts her ass in place and realizes, he does in fact have rights that go along with his obligation.
Choices.
He may write a formal document, sent registered mail, with the contents of his intention. Within the scope of this letter, he may make it clear that he does not want to speak with this woman on a personal level but only about the welfare of his son. Make it known that she has made it nearly impossible for him to visit his son and to have a sound relationship. Then, he must tell her, that for the moment, until she has a change of venue, he must curtail the situation. See, this now puts the accountability on her. She will see that she is to blame, if the child does not have constant visit. You have covered all bases. Keep a copy of the letter, in the file, along with the phone log and any and all support, gift, etc. payments.
Choices.
I hope you have a good life. It sounds like you have a good man and you both are trying to do the right thing. Please let me know how this all goes down. If I can help you in any other way, you are welcome to write. I pray you have a healthy child and are able to enjoy this pregnancy, birth and the experience of it all. Be good to yourself.

Big Love,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

You’re Only Dumb if You Think You’re Dumb

Friday, January 05, 2007

This question was sent to Aunt B via email…

My Question,

If someone was called a dummy all of its life from childhood through adulthood. What effect do you think it will have on that person?

D

Aunt B said…

Dear D,

This is a very broad question. The variables, the environment and so on, can make or break this situation and this life.
I truly believe, that we should have to take psychological tests to determine if we are fit to parent. Of course, that will never happen but it is sure wishful thinking, isn’t it?
As a parent we must be responsible, more responsible than we are, concerning what we say and our actions concerning our children. You should never discipline your children in the heat of anger or in rage. Send them to their room till you calm. This has a two-fold effect; it gives the child time to think on the issue at hand and more importantly, it gives you time to think on how to handle the dilemma and to squash a tendency to act out inappropriately. As parents, we don’t realize, till it’s too late, that what we say to our children, they often take literally. To be a parent is a huge responsibility that we take too lightly. We are given children, actually as a gift from the Big Guy, to shape and mold into productive people. We must show, by example, good stewardship, good citizenry and basic good qualities as a human being. We have actually fallen short on this one, haven’t we?
I don’t know if you are asking me this because this happened to you or maybe a spouse has been doing this to one of your own children but yes, it will effect that child. The question is, will that child choose to rise above the criticism and put things into perspective for themselves? The other question is will you be able to forgive the parent or person that said these derogatory things to you?
As children, if we take things as literally as they are often presented, we will perish emotionally. We must learn to be like an onion. We must have a thick skin, with many layers that can and will be peeled off before they get to the core of your being. You must also learn to put things into perspective. Always look at what is said, own what you must, improve what you can and shove the rest into the garbage. I’m quite sure that you are not dumb but I’m quite sure that whomever continually spoke these words, must’ve been someone that you respected, loved or tried to care for? You tend to take everything literally when a parent or someone of importance, tells you things. A child is so impressionable. Just in example is the Santa Claus effect. Now really, we believed as children that a fat dude, slipped down our chimney with a sack that carried toys for all children, the world over and he arrived there on a sleigh, through the air, pulled by reindeer. Now, if that’s not a crock of shit, nothing is but we believe our parents, don’t we? I did, you probably did, we all did, right? We also tend to believe them we they tell us we are fat, stupid, dumb, ugly, nasty, retarded and the list goes on.
As parents, we need to be held accountable and I believe when we go to heaven, we will be but why not take a long hard look at what we do say to our children and be responsible, taking our “job” as parent more seriously?
In answer to your question, yes a person can be mortally wounded by words, especially those spoken in anger. Hopefully, that child will rise above it and realize that they are not dumb or whatever and will grow from it instead of being stunted. You can become a better person from your trials and tribulations in life and acquire the ability to always look in the mirror, keeping yourself in check, not repeating the cycle of abusive language, with a realization that words are a double edged sword; they cut both ways.
D, I’m telling you that you are not dumb and you must forgive whomever it is that said this. Animosity and anger are the angst that will do you in. They only harm you. There is empowerment in taking charge of what you allow to offend you. You can choose to rise above this and you can choose not to allow anything that is said to hurt you. Make that choice, take control and forgive. I will look forward to hearing from you, after you have practiced this empowerment. You look in the mirror and repeat after me…
I am all that and a box of Godiva!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

The Royal Flush

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

I just don’t know what to do?

Hi, and how are you today? Better then me I hope. N-E-Ways. I am a 23 year old female married to a 40 year old and have a relationship problem. I feel in order for you to fully understand my situation, I should give you some past information. See I met my husband about 4 or 5 years ago. I was with my ex and doing drugs and prostituting. He was a guy that picked me up. He was married at the time, but like all men say, he said his relationship was on the rocks and they slept in different rooms, exc. He came by to see me just about everyday and we became close, very close. He would pick me up and we wouldn’t do anything sexual most of the time, we would just talk. Well I ended up leaving my ex for him. He divorced his wife and we are now married and living together as of 11/05. I have not done drugs since I have been with him, well I did slip once, but that was all. See we were all drunk and he ended up having sex with my sister, I left went back to my ex for about a week and got high. But we worked things out and I came back. He is a very controlling man. I am not allowed to talk to my family, which I can understand considering my mom is a real bad crack addict. But he doesn’t want me having any friends. He says I can have friends, so I do have 2. But every time I talk to them he gets mad I’m on the phone. I am not allowed to go out anywhere with them. Nothing! I don’t work, and I don’t have a car. Well I had a car, but he sold it because He didn’t want me to have that much freedom. I have a seizure disorder. So basically my life consists of staying home all the time, taking care of his 13 year old son, cleaning, cooking, and giving oral sex to my husband on demand, which is a least once a day. Now there are a few things I don’t know what to do about. His son is 13 and he buys him whatever he wants. I suggested that maybe it is about time for his son to help out around the house. I’m not saying he has to do everything, but making his bed and taking the garbage out I think are reasonable request. He only makes his bed when I yell and even then usually my husband will do it for him and the garbage sits there till I get sick of looking at it and end up taking it out, or my husband once again does it for him. I get frustrated because I tell him to do something then his dad does it for him and it’s sending the message that he does not have to listen to me. I tried talking to my husband and I turn into a bad guy for “picking on a 13 year old” What should I do???? Now my other problem. Back to the friends thing. I Started a my space account and started chatting with people on line. I posted pictures and people vote on them. We about a two weeks ago this guy john sent me a message. I wrote him back and told him to vote on my picture. Well we have been writing and joking around. He read my profile and saw I lived in PDistrust, Taken for Granted,ortage and I guess he lives like 4 hours away. Well he sends me a message joking saying he can’t vote on my picture because a picture don’t do justice and he wanted to see what I really looked like. I didn’t respond. Two days later I got a new message from him saying he voted me a 10. So I left him a comment saying “Hey babe, thanks for taking all the time to come all the way over here to see me so and rating me a ten.” Now I didn’t mean it in the way that he actually came out here, I was being sarcastic because of his previous comment. Well my husband likes to check up and see the sites I go to on line and I guess he went to this guys page and say what I said. He got mad and started accusing me of having guys over and stuff. I told him he was really taking the message the wrong way. That How it sounds is not how it was meant. But he was still just being mean about it. So in order to make him feel better I deleted my, my space ,account. That way I couldn’t be accused of nothing. I would rather go without talking to anyone then talking to people and being accused of cheating. So I thought that was the end of it, but when I called him on his cell phone later, I said hey papa. He goes” what are you calling me papa for you called john babe” I told him there was no meaning behind it. I have the two friends who are both females and I call them dear, and honey. He knows that. I didn’t mean any harm by it and I deleted the whole my space account just to prove it, why is he still being an ass about it. So, what should I do??? What else can I do?? I love him but I don’t know if this relationship is more trouble then it is worth. He is a ultimately a good man. But it seems as if he loves fighting over stupid petty stuff. I love him so much and everything I do is to please him. I cook everyday. The house is always clean. I don’t cheat. I don’t go out. I give him head on demand. What else could a man want. I just don’t know what to do. Please help me. I am desperate.

Sincerely,

Confused Krissy

Aunt B said…

Dearest Krissy,
This one is easy, a no brainer, yet it’s one of the most complicated letters, I’ve received to date. I have very mixed emotions here, I really do. I’ve been in that “Controlled” situation. Quick homework assignment;
Stockholm Syndrome.
I did your life for close to 19 years. so I do have a grasp of the situation. I danced topless when my 1st husband found me, I thought he rescued me. The man adored me but after a few years, I grew weary of being Fathered by my husband. But then, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire with #2 and he was so controlling and abusive. “I” changed who I was to meet his needs. I quit talking to family, friends and basically became secluded. My children were my refuse and yet, if I showed any affection towards them, when he was around, he found something to bitch them out about.
If we choose to, as people often do, we can find redeeming qualities in a rattlesnake. That is what I did and often told him he had the passion of one.
It is possible, that you have done the same thing. Right or wrong, this is something you either accept as your lot in life or you rise above it.
Example; he slept with your sister, ouch, that’s gotta hurt. But it doesn’t sound to me as if you are throwing it in his face. He may genuinely be hurt or may have a lack of trust because he does think that you fooled around with the MySpace guy. But he is also using it to keep you in check. He just doesn’t know how good he’s got it. But he’s gambling that if he makes you feel like a little whore, you’ll do your best to be a good girl and try to make it up to him. Fuck, I hate to say it girlfriend, but you’re every man’s dream of the perfect Concubine. Now, don’t take offense to that. I’d call you a Courtesan but he’s not royalty. Would sex slave,housekeeper, babysitter be a better term? He just doesn’t know how good he’s got it or maybe he does and is doing his best to keep you in your place, know where you are at all times and make you never give any attention to anything or anybody but him. When they come out with the Robotic capabilities of life size, life like women, I’m sorry but you will be replaced. A robot won’t bitch about his kid or sass back, right?
His kid needs to do what he’s told and respect what you ask of him. What he’s breeding is a lazy little shit who’ll screw up and never take responsibility, will not have good habits ingrained in him and will probably not have good habits. Often, we need to be good parents and less of a friend to our children, for their own good. But if his Dad or you tell him to do something and he doesn’t and Dad turns around and picks up the slack, then the kid thinks his Dad is a chump and he can get away with shit. Mark my words, that kid will look for easy targets, the rest of his life. No, it’s the little things like that, which are teaching tools and Dad is setting a pretty bad example. Making your bed and taking out the garbage are next to nothing and if he can’t manage that, you watch, he’ll not make it in the big bad world. Nope, we have to know that there are true and real consequences for our actions or we don’t take life seriously. He sure as hell, doesn’t respect his Dad or he’d do what was reasonably asked.
Back to you. Krissy, you’re going to have to ask yourself, really what do you want in this life? I’m quite sure, it’s not the lifestyle that hooking offers. That is one of the harshest worlds and you may feel like this guy saved you from that stark reality. In a sense he did. I want you to begin to gather your strength. I want you to begin to feel like more than a sex toy. I want you to look in the mirror and see the really wonderful woman you are. I want you to see, what you have to offer, to give, to some guy that deserves you. I could tell you that you deserve better but you don’t believe it, now do you?
My advice to you is this; I don’t think that you really realize that you are holding a hand full of Aces. What is the absolute worst thing this guy can do to you? Can he send you packing and back to a life, working the streets? Well, yes he could send you packing but he won’t, he’s not stupid. He’d be giving up the all time dream gig. If he is not abusive, which you didn’t mention and I hope that is not going on, as I’ve been there, then what can he really do to you, you know to really hurt you? You’ve already lived a rough life and I’m sure you don’t want to go back to hustling, I wouldn’t but if it happened tomorrow, it sure wouldn’t be the worst thing, would it as you can handle it. I’m not encouraging you to go back out. What I’m saying is I want you to put things back into perspective and look at your life as it is, can be, could be and what it won’t be if you do not realize that in fact, you are calling the shots! Now, let’s weigh this out for him, ok? Before you; He can go back to his lonely life, making his kids bed, doing his own housework, eating crappy meals and even paying for his sex. OR, he can wise up, realize that he has a good gal, who’s not afraid of life and living it, keeps his home for him, looks after and tries to encourage his brat teen kid to do the right thing so he may just be an asset to his community, instead of a burden, cooks him a hot meal and his most certainly a woman any man would look forward to coming home to? I’m telling you, he will not throw all this away! He would be a fucking idiot, if he did and I’m quite sure that he’s aware of it or was at one point. I think you may need to remind him. I ask you to take a chance and have him read this, if you dare. In the event that he does, I want him to realize just what he has, that so many men would wish they had. Even if you are not a princess or the best looking chick to walk down the pike, you can do better than to be treated any less than you should be or any less than a good woman deserves. I’ll bet you just didn’t see it this way. I also have a personal message for you and will include it with this link. I wish you only the very best. I encourage you to look in the mirror and stop sabotaging yourself. You’ve put yourself through enough already, it is your turn to have a good moment in life. You deserve to be happy and I hope you hear me.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B-

I found your website and like your style. I am not a spring chicken 48 but I still have some pep in my step. Problems Problems!

I have done the drug thing myself and I’m not too proud of that part of my life. I haven’t touched any thing in many many years. Over 20.

Let me cut to the chase. This is about a man – I know you must be floored by that but – yeah it’s true. …………….I have not let anyone live with me in over ten years until this man.

We met as a blind date type situation through a girlfriend at work. We all got together and went to a Casino and stayed over night. After learning about him I decided he wasn’t for me. He was still married, (they slept in different rooms) 3 kids – (13 girl, 19 & 20 boys) all with issues of their own. Anyway my girlfriend slept with me in one bed and the guys slept in the other. We had a good time and we knew one another for 2 years before we actually got together.

He is a truly a good guy – and I am bound to screw it up – it’s a pattern I’m afraid. He is a little younger 43. He was in a miserable marriage. He stayed for 20 years. She was seeing a Black guy and I think that’s what made him leave rather than – him leaving her for me if that makes any sense.

We have lived together for a year now and he has divorced her. Well we have been through a honeymoon period for sure and doted on each other. I love this man – but I feel he holds back and I give everything I have to the relationship. I an a jealous girl however and this has always caused me problems in my relationships. Well here we go.

His ex recently broke up with her boyfriend. And they seem to be talking more.

As I am writing this the situation just got much worse.

It is the Holidays – and my family are gone. He has a pretty big family and they are all down for Thanksgiving too. I had to work on Friday and he made plans to go bowling with the kids. I didn’t hear from him all day until time for me to get off. I asked if they had a good time and he said yeah they had a great time. We were to go for dinner with his family when I got off. When I got home he told me his ex came with them and he knew I’d be mad – Furious is more like it. We went to dinner anyway and was strained but I got through it.

We came home and didn’t talk much watched a show and went to bed but didn’t touch and we always snuggle.

This morning he was suppose to work around the house but instead he put on dress clothes and left. I tried to talk to him and he didn’t want to talk about it. He said he guesses he’s moving out.” I don’t want to live with a woman that doesn’t trust me”.

He said he get his things later…. that’s where it is right now.

I am pretty emotional right now so I’m ending it here.

Thanks -

Melanie

Aunt B said…

Dearest Melanie,
This is a rough situation. I do believe I’ve been in a similar predicament, myself. I don’t really believe you have been unreasonable in your feelings. I’m sorry but I will not tell you that you are wrong. If he knew or knows that you are uncomfortable with the notion that he is spending, “Quality,” time with his ex, then he needs to read this. It starts with the word “Respect.”

I don’t believe the word “Trust” should enter the picture.
How gullible should you be? How naive in the name of trust should you be?
I’m sorry but I’m a firm believer that a woman should never assume her man is faithful to a fault. Who wants to go through the hurt and pain, if your man falls prey to some voluptuous, unscrupulous, uncaring tart? Men are men and their nature is, often, for a better word, Shady. Even in Biblical times, since the dawn of time, men have fallen prey to the evil ways of a Jezebel. It’s more fact than fiction, unfortunately. So, we gotta be on our toes. There’s a fine line between being insanely jealous, possessive and/or intelligently on top of the program. I would feel the same way, if I was in your position. I also believe, if the shoe was on the other foot, this guy would be very jealous, too!
I assume he was married to this “Ex” and it’s only natural that they have things in common such as the children. Keeping things on an amicable and friendly level is mature and good for the sake of the children. Anything more than that suggests an ember. It is suspect, even to me. He need only to place himself in your shoes. But even if he can’t, he needs to respect YOUR feelings. That’s it and that’s all.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I hope you are able to work things out. Please let me know. In the mean time, I’d really like you to look at one thing; Did he look for an excuse to leave?

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Addiction’s Tricky

Monday, November 13, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hey Aunt B,

Here’s my situation.

I know this man from back in the day.

His Sister and I were real close. She was murdered in

June of 05 by her ex boyfriend.

At this time, her brother, and I started corresponding.

He’s been in jail since then, due to meth addiction, and

of course being on the wrong side of the law.

That meth shit freaks me out big time.

This guy is now in a halfway house. Its also a rehab

facility, and he has been going through extensive and intensive counseling.

I have become attached to him, even though.

But still am torn because of his past.

I do not want to involve myself with someone with his history, but am still drawn to him.

Do I give him a chance? Do I wait till he’s out, and see how he is once he’s on the street? Do I keep him away from my kids until I know for sure? My family would surely frown upon him. I just don’t know what to do. Thanks Babs,

If Loving You Is Wrong…..

(Hey Babs, thanks for posting your new link for me. My mama is a Babs, and that’s exactly what I call her, when I’m not calling her BabsyQ that is.)

Aunt B said…

Dear If Loving You is Wrong,

Wow, what a situation. I almost want to run to higher ground on this one. Why, you ask? Because I am an addict and I know the potential. Personally, I took my addiction further than a lot of people. I had a 5 bag a day Heroin habit, I drank whiskey like I was going to the electric chair in two hours and did every drug known to man. A genuine guinea pig, hell bent. So, I do have an educated opinion on the subject. I’ve also been clean, from heroin, for 8 years. I know what it takes to stay clean. It ain’t easy and it is one day at a time. I also went through Prison programs. No program from AA/NA to Inpatient Rehab, works unless you work it. You can not get sober unless YOU REALLY WANT IT! Most of us have to step inside the Gates of Hell, before we get sick enough to make changes, life changes, sustaining changes. My ass was completely burned before I figured this out.
Why do I tell you all this? You must understand addiction, true, hardcore addiction before you can wrap yourself in a cloak, that hard shell you must have in order to deal with someone else’s addiction. This is very important. You do not want to become an enabler, nor co-dependent as often happens when a couple gets together, where one is an addict and the other is not or just an occasional user. What’s the difference? An addict, in layman’s or my terms is someone like me who can not function or live, in my own mind, without some chemical in my system. All life as you know it stops and the only thing that matters is feeding, fueling the addiction just to function. Meth has the ability to give such a great high and then you bottom out, boom. The drop is such that you feel you have to have it just to live. It causes great depression, dillusion and paranoia. I am a first hand witness, even in a current state as my ex and all my old friends are in the Sonora Desert, right now, knee deep in their Meth addiction. In my mind, it is one of the worst drugs, even over a Coke addiction. I smoked crack for two years, so I have an educated opinion on that, also. But meth is cheaper, last longer and is crippling.

What the hell is my point?

This is a really tough situation. I would be the last person to tell you to say F* this guy and you are setting yourself up for disaster. But it is complicated and it depends on many variables, if it might work. He can not get out of the half-way house and not continue his treatment. He’s gotta take it as serious as a heart attack. You can not be condescending or have an authoritative tone, either, or a person, often unknowingly, becomes rebellious. Being supportive, in a positive nature, sets the tone. You must tread lightly, especially with a man, when it comes to your constructive criticism.

Massive Reconstruction

If you are going to consider a relationship with an addict, you must first know the nature of the beast. Yet again, you want to be understanding but not enabling and there is a defined difference. You will also need a no-nonsense approach to the situation. Are you willing to deal with this guy if he re offends, falls off the wagon or falls from grace? The statistics are, unfortunately, not good but recovery is possible. It also helps if that person has a good support system and they know the logistics of addiction, the signs of or leading to relapse. This is a study in the life of an addict. It is actually simple, yet extremely complex. If this person does not truly get to the bottom of the cause and effect of his addiction, if he does not realize the full potential or not recognize his own red flags, the things that lead him to use, then he is in trouble and asking for another Prison sentence or relapse at the very least. The only way to change things, is to change things, habits, people, places and things. You must completely start over, physically, figuratively and mentally. We truly have the ability to lie to ourselves and we tell ourselves that we NEED to get high to deal with things. Life on life’s terms is a bitch. But it can be done, communication is the key. The addict must be truthful and I call it “sabotaging oneself.” That’s where, you commit to telling someone, tattle taleing about how you feel to someone who understands, cares and is willing to tell you like it is.

Most of us do not like exercise, do we? Dealing with our addiction and maintaining some form of treatment is paramount. But treatment and going to meetings often seem like exercise and we tend to want to say to hell with that. The things and learned behaviors that brought us to the very point of addiction are usually life long behaviors. To change this behavior, our beliefs and values system and the biggest variable, our habit, is no easy task and you sure as hell can’t think that it happens over night or even in a prison setting with a few years attached. It’s a life long change. It took you a life long time to acquire these traits and behaviors and you can’t expect for them to just go away once you don’t have the chemical in your body. There is always a want, a need, a longing for the drug, especially when the shit hits the fan, as it always does, in our daily lives. We also have to be careful not to replace one habit with another. This is where addicts tend to trip up. A Meth addict, may very well think that his drug of choice is not really drinking so he thinks it’s safe to have a beer or 20. He thinks it’s OK to down a few shots or a bottle because, hell, it’s legal, right? But anything, any chemical will and is often abused. It also allows our thinking to be jilted, tilted and misconstrued into believing that we should do and behave out of the box. Meaning it actually can poison your mindset and can really help sustain a give a shit attitude. You might not know that attitude unless you are an addict. To do something illegal to get the money for your habit, is out of the box. To buy drugs, illegally, is out of the box. To ingest, smoke or especially shoot something in to your veins, that you really have no idea that it is really what has been sold to you and hope it doesn’t kill you, is the definitive thinking, way out of the box. It is a true give a shit attitude. You have to watch for it and hopefully, when the addict entertains this attitude or his addiction, you have to watch him. Talking to them if they are moody and lending an ear may help Suggesting a meeting and going with them is a really good idea.

Going the Distance

You must ask yourself, are you willing to risk all this for love? Coming out of Prison has it’s own scars and it’s a prime time for abuse. If he is on Parole, it is a real good time to build up the knowledge and understanding it takes to stay straight. Straight thinking is, of course, the best time to get to the bottom of things. If you plan on the possibility of a serious relationship with this fella, I suggest you read and study as much as possible on addiction. You’ll have your hands full and it will not be easy. I believe in my higher power and I pray, I suggest you do too. If the path is rocky, you’re going down the wrong path. Pray for guidance and wisdom to know what the right choice is. Make it real clear, REAL CLEAR, that you will stay by his side, as long as he’s serious but there will be no games, no using and he will continue seeking support. No excuses, no bullshit. You point out from the git go that you are not a martyr and will not become one for anyone. If he’s serious, you’ll be there for him. If he’s not, go find somebody else’s life to screw up beyond his own. Do you have the strength and where with all to go through this?

I wish you all the best. Everybody deserves a chance but never be gullible or stupid. Never under estimate an addict, never. Please let me know the outcome and stay in touch, please! Let me know if this has been helpful and if I can be of any further assistance.

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B
This is a comment back from the writer of this question to Aunt B…

Babs, sorry to not get back to you, I have been working like crazy this week. I so appreciated your answer. I knew about your past, and also from reading your journal and Ask Aunt B feel you hold great wisdom, and knew you would have words that would make me think.

This has been my secret, and am grateful to you for being available to me, and telling it like it is.

I have decisions to make. After thinking about this for the past few days I realize that I may not be the right person for him and his sobriety either.

I am an active weed smoker, and have been for the last 20 years. The last thing I want to do is not be helpful to his sobriety.

But as an addict myself, don’t want to stop smoking for him.

We have developed a friendship, where I have always been honest with him in all I say, and I need to talk to him.

He wants to get together with me tomorrow. Which made me freak out a bit. He’s within reach now, not just a at a distance, where I’ve been safe.

I’ve been a single mom for the past 8 years, with one long term boyfriend about 5 years ago. And have always pushed every man out of my life that wants to be in it.

I’ve been very hard on the men I’ve dated, and get rid of them at the first wrong thing they do, no chances.

I feel that love makes you weak, and the last thing I ever want to be again is weak.

My boys’ dad is an alcoholic, and I actively attended Al Anon while with him, but of course keeping my addiction a secret as much as possible while with him. Again, my addiction caused me to not be happy with him, because I needed to quit to make it work , and wouldn’t.

Sorry I know I’m babbling along with MORE issues, but your answer really did make me think, and I appreciate that, being the ” I can’t think of that today, I’ll think of that tomorrow” Scarlett O Hara kinda gal that I am.

Thank you Babs,

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Life Lesson 101; It’s Not Always Fair

Friday, November 10, 2006

This is a long post/letter but a valuable read.

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

Recently one of my few friends got into a lot of trouble. Because of this incident, she spent an entire week in detention at school, every day until the end of the year she is now forced to pick up trash on compass, and her mother grounded her until she turned 18.

Now, I did the exact same thing except on a much larger scale. In punishment, I received only one day in detention. That was it. I wasn’t even grounded by my mother.

The worst part was, was that I had to almost insist that they punish me because of what I did because I considered it grossly unfair that I did not receive any form of punishment while my friend did. Even worse was that, that the one day in detention was the worst that I could get them to give me.

When my friend found out, she became infuriated with me. She was mad that I received a far less harsh punishment from the school than she did, she was mad that my mother didn’t punish me while her mother punished her, and then when I told her about how I had to make them punish me, she became even angrier. Now she refuses to talk to me.

I’ve even talked to her boyfriend, whom had gotten in trouble with her (they really weren’t doing anything bad, honestly) and he refuses to speak to me as well unless he comes to the swordfighting classes that I help teach since I am the assistant instructor.

I don’t understand why they’re mad at me when it wasn’t even my fault that I didn’t receive as harsh of a punishment as they did, and I don’t understand why they’re mad that I insisted on a punishment.

I know why the school didn’t want to punish me and why my mom didn’t. I’m an honors student who’s attending college classes during my free time, and I’m already receiving scholarships in writing contests that I enter.

I would really like getting some advice on how to patch things up with my friend since she and her boyfriend are two of my seven friends. I don’t want to lose them, but I will unless I do something and I can’t do something because I don’t understand why they’re acting like this!

Please help.

Sincerely,

Confused friend

Aunt B said…

Dear Confused Friend,

This is so painful, I know. I feel for you, I really do. This, unfortunately, is another one of life’s dirty lessons; Nothing is Fair!

First, let me say this…it is not YOUR fault for the punishment that you were given. Did the gods shine on you? I don’t know. As you stated, it may have been because you are an exemplary student and they gave you some leeway. I find it rather exhilarating, that you are able to see the injustice of your friends punishment, compared to your own. Equally impressive, is the fact that you were willing to take a harsher punishment and even asked for it. That is either a true sign of friendship and/or a true sign of maturity. More importantly, you passed one of life’s little tests. Most people opt for the easy way out. Sure it would be easier to walk away with the profit of a lesser sentence but I have a sneaking suspicion you have a true sense of moral decorum. Somehow, I can see you on the Justice League, as a young woman, fighting for the rights of others. We certainly need more people like you in this world and I encourage you to never allow this world to taint that set of standards that you hold yourself to. Be a lawyer or work for the ACLU and champion for the underdog, you know the one that gets kicked by the buttheads called society as a whole?
Back to the dilemma. Lil’ Sister, I invite you to allow your friend to read this. Just send her the link or copy and paste the parts you want for her.
Keeping it real, I would say that your friends reaction is normal. We all want justice, we all want to be treated fairly. When somebody else skates, it pisses us off. Unless of course, it is ourselves. Then, there is the rare persona of a young lady who believes in right and wrong, true friendship and a sense of fair play. I think your friend would be pissed at whomever, Joe Blow, Jane Doe, it wouldn’t matter. But it was you that, in her mind, got off easy, thus, you are the one she’s staring in the face and yelling “Injustice” and I can’t blame her. But let’s look at this. I am all about putting things into perspective and let’s examine this, ok?

1. Looking at your jacket, which is your record of behavior and as an adult, if you have a criminal record, they call it your jacket, is there difference there? I mean, does her record show past infractions and yours doesn’t? This is how a sentence is meeted out in the Criminal Court system. If it’s your first infraction, they cut you a break.

2.What was the attitude difference, between you both, upon presentation of your infraction? In other words, did you show a remorseful attitude and maybe, she did not? Some of us get angry when confronted with our wrong doings, right? Some of us flip the script and turn it around and are more pissed off that we were caught than looking at what we’ve done and showing remorse. This is quite typical, actually. Most people do not want to look in the mirror on any scale and see themselves or their behavior as wrong. We often, out of convenience or survival, turn things around with a hate for any kind of Law or Law Enforcement. This is why we cuss the Police when we are stopped for speeding. Who wants to be chastised or pay a penalty when they are wrong or break the rules? Also, this is why we often repeat an offense because we haven’t really learned our lesson. We misconstrue things to make it more palatable.

There are too many variables, that I don’t have in front of me, evidence, records and so on to make a judgment call. But that is not why you wrote me, is it?
What to do?
I would give her the link, as I said and have her read this. Obviously, this is weighing heavily on you or you would not have bothered to write me for advice? I think you really need to put things into perspective. If you do not want to have her read this, then take from it and use it. Tell her that you understand her animosity towards you but it is not your fault. Tell her that you are aware that it may not have been fair and you don’t feel good about it, at all. As a friend, this hurts you and you do not want to lose her friendship over something that is out of your control. Really, what the hell can you really do about this? Nothing. They must have had reason for their reasoning, I can only assume. Tell her, after all is said and done that if she will hold this against you, one of two things is happening here; She is either jealous, immature or plain hateful. Or misinformed and didn’t realize that it’s not your fault. Let her choose which it is and I guarantee, she will not admit that she’s being immature. I think it’s most likely that she was just angry and it came back on you. If she’s a true friend, she’ll try to see things as they really are. If she’s not a true friend, she won’t try to see it and quite frankly, you don’t need any friends like that. I recommend that you either give her this link or write down how you feel, what’s really going on and put things into perspective for your friend. After that, the ball is in her court. Let’s see if she plays fair and has a sense of Sportsmanship and Civility?
Time heals all wounds. This is a life lesson, pay attention. You will find that life is not fair, what so ever but it is commendable that you rally towards what’s right. Try to use this to help others. I see you going places, young lady and I wish you only the very best. Please stay in touch and let me know how this goes. Holla back!

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Am I Dreaming?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,

I’m 17 years old and I still attend high school. One of my classes happens to be a welding class and it’s taught by a young teacher who has yet to reach his mid thirties, but he is by no means a fresh faced, just out of college teacher.

Anyways, I’ve recently been having erotic dreams about him, and I don’t know what to think! I wasn’t even aware that I had even possessed these feelings for my teacher. And while I’m in class, I act like I’ve always done, and these dreams don’t even enter my mind, but whenever I’m outside of them, I can’t help but think about them!

The worst part is that he’s happily married and he has kids. I mean, his wife is a principal at another school and their kid is like 3 or 4 eyears old and I believe they’re expecting another, so it’s obvious that it’s an active relationship.

And then there’s the fact that a year or two ago, our government teacher was caught sleeping with one of his students and was arrested. The girl was expelled and wasn’t even allowed to go to nightschool.

This is not only freaking me out, but it’s left me awfully confused since I’m dating someone else, even though they have been giving me the cold shoulder as of late.

Any advice?

Sincerely,

Unknown Attraction

Aunt B said…

Dear Unknown Attraction,
Well, for all intent and purpose, I’d say you are having normal feelings and emotions all around.
First off, you can’t control what goes on with your mind, in sleep, short of prayers before bed. So, don’t feel guilty about that. For that matter, it could be anybody that your mind uses for sexual escape, it just happened to be this guy. I’ve calmed down, in my older years but there was a time, even younger than you where I had constant sexual dreams. I was a hornball, especially after I figured out how to, uh… masturbate by accident in the tub. I came home from school with one thing on my mind and I sure did take a lot of baths back then. So fresh and so clean clean, lol! Yes, I know TMI but I’m telling you this for a reason. I know how a healthy woman operates. Dreams are for the young and healthy and yours are so normal, believe me. Your mind just happened to pick this guy. I’d be willing to bet that in all due reality, he does nothing for you, does he? I mean in the sexual lusting department, you probably would not look at him twice?
An example; they say that true crime, criminals, rarely dream. They also say that they are not able to act out aggression, fantasy and so on, in their dreams and end up acting out on a conscious level. The mind works in strange ways and I don’t buy into the dream dictionary mentality, that there is a reason and so on for everything you dream. I’ve had some real doozies, bet your bum on that! I think you just picked a familiar face out of the line-up in your brain and now you’re feeling guilty about it. But it’s our little secret and no harm is done. Stop feeling guilty. I’m not going to point a finger and say you are wrong, you little slut, because you are not. I especially commend you on your premise of values and beliefs. You are very mature on that level by recognizing that this guy is happily married. Many girls don’t recognize this and they are the ones that reek havoc and wreck marriages. They can take a good man down, I’ve seen it. Many girls use their sexuality like a venus fly trap and they are very dangerous, especially in this day and age of sexual disease. But those girls don’t take into account or even care if the guy is a happily married man. They have an agenda and it is often one of low self-esteem, you know, “I got what you want,” and they use it in a harmful way. I’m sorry but it’s a fact that a good population of men do fool around, thinking with the little head instead of the big one and these kind of girls are the ones that tempt them. This also separates the girls from the women. You my Dear, are in the latter category. It is apparent to me that you have a set of morals, that fiber and strength that makes a woman stand tall. You are going to be alright in this life, Girlfriend.
This guy who is brushing you off or giving you the cold shoulder, does he know what a diamond in the rough he has? Aaaaaaah, young love, it changes with the wind. Do not fear. You are not measured by having a guy to go to the Senior Prom, yes it’s nice but not an absolute. You are 17 and you have a long life ahead of you, I see this. You have time to pick that right guy, you know, that one that makes you laugh. He’s not all that handsome but he’s for real and that’s just what you need. See, that kinda guy will always treasure a decent looking woman. You will meet this man, when you least expect it. But try not to blow off his advances, as I know you will cause he’s not drop-dead gorgeous and he’s NOT what you envision as the perfect man. But he IS the one that will make you happy on a cold winter night and he is the one with undieing devotion that will hold you in the end. Watch for him, be aware and let him find you, mark my words.
Well, Ms. Unknown Attraction, I wish you all the best and would appreciate a comment and an update when things jump off in the next couple of years. It’s gonna be a great life for you, put on your seat belt!!

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Set Up From the Get Up?

Friday, November 03, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email

I started talking to this guy online (something I have never done before,so it was new to me!)and after about two weeks we were talking and I think I made the boneheaded move and told him that I kinda liked him. Well after about another week he told me he had been talking to this other girl in his home town for awhile and they just started dating. My feels were of course hurt but I didn’t tell him that. I told him I was happy for him.
We continued to talk just as friends of course, but it was really weird. Well he went to visit his girlfriend and on the way to visit his girlfriend (because she at college he calls me. And I didn’t expect him to so it was really weird. And out of no where he tells me that if I see him online that he can’t talk because he is going to be with his girlfriend and he doesn’t want her to get the wrong idea about us. And we had already covered that we were just friends. I told him later that I thought he only Called to cover his ass! He said no he said it because the conversation wasn’t going anywhere so he just said that. Out of anything he said that!!! Then I told him that I felt like when I talked to him I had to walk on egg shells and that is mad me mad,that could usually fix stuff like that but I can’t fix this. (Of course I didn’t feel like this until he got a girlfriend)
Now he isn’t talking to me….AT ALL! What do it do? Just let it go? Is it a lost cause? That is what I’m starting to think.

Ms. Left Wondering

Aunt B said…

Dear Ms. Left Wondering,

Well, by the time you read this, you may well have changed your mind. But in the event that you haven’t let me say that this sounds like a no win situation. But in all honesty, you may very well have set yourself up for this one without even knowing it.
I don’t claim to be a psychic but I am highly intuitive, we’ll call it. My gut instincts tell me that anything I say, concerning this, may not be what you want to hear. My instincts further tell me that you are in a very vulnerable place in your life. It also tells me that, normally, you would just blow this off and move on. But you are also a winner, thus, you feel like you’ve lost something. You allowed yourself to be wound up in this situation. But let me say this, the guy doesn’t have a crystal ball, does he? He may very well have contacted you for one of two reasons; to make you jealous or to blow you off.
My gut tells me that it’s not advisable,for you to get involved, any further with this guy. Unless I’m misunderstanding you, this guy may behave as if you’d be a partner in his crime of passion and is setting the stage of trying you to see if you’ll tolerate it. You know, keep it on the hush hush, D.L. and I doubt that’s what you really want.
As I said before, for whatever reason exists, I feel you are very vulnerable right now. Ask yourself, why is that and how to remedy that situation? It could be that you’re ready to settle down? Don’t let the first joker that comes along, put you in a pattern that is not healthy. It’s a fact that there are so many fish in the sea, we just can’t seem to see them because we have dark goggles on. Stand strong Girlfriend, you deserve a guy that has no bullshit on the plate. Please take my advice, get back into the Chat rooms if that’s your option and find Mr. Right. I see nothing wrong with meeting someone on a Chat room or Dating Service. In fact, it’s safe and it leaves the ol’, “Judge a Book by it’s cover,” element into a fool-proof proposition of getting to know the guy first, BEFORE you can turn him down for his looks. You’ll get to know the person on the inside before you’ll fall for the outside and realize he has no inside, right? If I read this wrong, I invite you to explain further. If not, I encourage you to brush this guy off your persona and begin again, a fresh start with no games.
Please leave a comment, stay in touch and update me, ok? Take care,
Ms. Left Wondering!

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Love Potion #9

Sunday, October 29, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

Dear Aunt B,

I am a twenty-four year old single mother.I work a full-time job as well working toward my business degree. I had some really bad relationships in the past and I have a hard time trusting men. I have never cheating on any of my ex-boyfriends yet however, all of them ended up cheating on me. I have recently started dating this guy who is only twenty-one years old. I am not sure if he is ready for a relationship. I was content with just being friends with him but he was very persistent with being my boyfriend so I finally accepted. Part of the reason why I choose to be his girlfriend is because I didn’t want him to be with any one else. I don’t just want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone, I am looking for marriage.I know he has a lot female friends and this bothers me because my ex did as well; and that relationship was a disaster. I know that every man is different but I just don’t know how to trust anymore? I am also afraid to fall in love because, I fall in love very easily and usually I end up getting hurt.Is there away to tell if he is serious?There are days where he does not even bother to call me and I feel like he should at least call to see how I am doing. I understand that he needs his space but in a relationship I feel like communication is everything. I just don’t know what I am doing anymore.

Please help me

Ms. Confused

Aunt B said…

Dear Ms.Confused,
Let me first commend you for your efforts. It’s not easy being a single mother, juggling work, school and motherhood. I know I did it. Even though it is often the hardest, never forget that being a mother is the most important, everything else just gives you the ride.
OK, it is a given that women mature quicker than men, even in childhood this is true. In many ways, we are more mature in affairs of the heart, too.
I dare say, that you should tread lightly or do not place your heart in his hand. He is young and one day he may feel all the want of a serious relationship, the next he may not. But I am the kind of person that believes in living life, let the rest sit back and watch and say I wish I had…
My last beau was 34 and I was 46. Big difference but we enjoyed each others company. Luckily, you are young enough to see your way through this life with an ability to pick and choose your mate. Mark my words, you will not grow old and be alone. But don’t jump and flip things. You may possibly be writing more into this than there is, for the moment. I’m not saying that the potential for a good, healthy relationship is not there because I don’t know that. The upside of having a young boyfriend is in the training,(inside joke amongst us girls), but without being demanding, if you want to hear from him, tell him so. At that point you have stated your needs but it’s how you address it that will make the difference. Don’t jump him and say hey how come? No, you say, “you know, I’d love to hear from you tomorrow.” Then, when he calls, you say it again and again, until it becomes second nature. If he doesn’t call after that, he didn’t want to call and it will be clear, right?
There’s a fine line between being stupid and/or possessive. Girlfriend, never trust a man…
completely! Never feed your man to the Lioness and not expect him to be eaten. Now, you can’t project your fears from being burnt on some unsuspecting guy who may not even deserve it. But remember this, every single relationship has the potential for harm. But you gotta live girlfriend. Be smart, give them a bit of leeway but don’t be stupid. A guy that has a lot of friends that are girls is often gay OR he has an agenda. That’s the facts Jack! Now, he may fall in the bracket of the innocent but don’t be gullible nor be overly jealous. Be cautious. Your man, may mean well and he had a life before you, remember this . You can’t expect him to just trash it. But in a well rounded relationship, he would build his life around you and include you. Thus, you know where his heart lies and exactly where he is, emotionally and literally. How could you not if he was holding your hand all the while?
I’ll be curious to know if this works out. See, Ms.Confused, you’re ready to settle, on one hand. The other hand just slapped you and said wake the hell up, we’re gonna have a career, right? Damn, it’s hard to be a woman. My vote would be that you try to take a fraction from all you have, all that’s going on and roll it into a ball. Don’t put too much in any one thing but work on you and who you are, what you are, what you will be as a woman. Don’t settle, ever. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Now, every relationship takes work as you often agree to disagree. But don’t think you can really change a seasoned man or fix him. That’s the first mistake.
If you go for this young buck, you must state your needs and desires. Present them in a palatable simple pill for him to swallow. If he fights the medication, you’ll know, he’s not the one. Love Potion #9

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

All’s Fair in Love and War

This was sent to Aunt B via email…

I am married to a beautiful woman. She is tall,slender,sexy, everything I’ve been looking for. We met at an on-line dating site, and we hit it off right away. Within two months we were married. I know it was fast, but we were sure that it would work. After about eight months of trying to have a baby, things began to turn. She came to me one day and told me that she was not happy in our marriage. We never fight, we have had maybe two arguments the whole time. She could just tell me that she was not happy. I was immediately cut off from sex. She didn’t want to get preg. She says that she loves me, but is not in love with me. She just does not have the feelings for intimacy. It is very confusing to me. I’m a man. I love her and want to have sex with her. We sleep together in the same bed, she tells me she loves me, but we have only done the deed a couple times since that day. When she feels horny. I have stayed home from work a couple of times in the past week, and I decided to look at her personal journals. I know it is wrong to do, but I am desperate. In the journal I discovered that she has been communicating with one of her many past boyfriends. She says in her journal that she still has emotional attatchments to this guy. She has been e-mailing back and forth with this guy according to her journal, but when I checked her e-mail there was no record of e-mails with him. She has an e-mail account that is through her work, and I suspect that they are using that one. My predicament is whether or not I should confront her about what she wrote in her journal, or have I violated her privacy too much to reveal, and confront her about this.

EP

Aunt B said…

EP, I really feel for you. You sound like a really nice guy who’s grasping at straws and wrestling with the guilt of violating the unwritten privacy law.

All’s fair in love and war.

You have actually listened to your spirit/intuition that has led you, in the first place, to distrust your wife. When we listen to our inner voice, we’re often right.

You have a serious trust issue here. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing, in any relationship. If she’s not your wife, in her heart, she’s not your wife, now is she? You can’t make her have emotions that she thinks she doesn’t have, right? However, my loyalty is with you, for some reason. If you were my own son, I would tell you that you have absolutely nothing to lose by confronting her with the information you have.

All’s fair in love and war.

Take the bull by the horn’s and address the situation. You tell her that you had a suspicion and you were grasping at and holding on for dear life and felt desperate because you love her. Don’t mention the fact that you don’t want to look like a fool either, it won’t matter. If you choose to try to work out this relationship, you must confront her or accept your life as it is. That’s exactly what it comes down to; What are you willing to swallow in the name of love? You obviously are not happy as things are. What do you have to lose by telling her how you feel? She is so beautiful to you and you are so in love and she can’t see it, it is wasted, thrown to the wind.

All’s fair in love and war.

I want you to plan a nice dinner, a quiet evening at home and you first tell her how much you really love her. But you will no longer tolerate being treated any less than her husband. You tell her you don’t buy the fear of intimacy because she might get pregnant. Hell, that’s what birth control and condoms are for and she could use both. You calmly, take control of this situation and make it known you will no longer go along with this situation. You are not to be played with any longer. Confront her with her behavior towards you. If she denies it, you make it understood, things are going to change or bye-bye. You must make it crystal clear that your life will not longer be toyed with and you are not going to tolerate it one more day. Only pull out the Ace, the knowledge you have of her supposed communication with her ex, if you must. You take the upper hand. Yes, I said take it and make it yours. You look in the mirror, pull off that bandaid you’ve been wearing on your heart and take a stand. Or live the rest of your life, in misery, allowing her to do whatever she wants to you.

I’d slap you myself!! Stand up to her. Have her read this. The jig is up, the game is no more and you’re taking your heart and your life back. If she is smart, she’ll realize what a good guy she has and get her act together. Now, lace up those boots and march in there and do what needs to be done! Please let me know how you are and how things turn out. If only I was younger…damn!!

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Getting It Together

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

This is a letter sent to Aunt B via email…

Hi! i just wanted some advice on my life in general. I had been injured at

my job and hadnt worked for 20 months. I have permanent damage to my arms

and hands which i am now not able to do many jobs. I was on compensation but was kicked off with little payments for my damages. i was pretty well hung

out to dry by myself with no help for finding a new career or anything. the

problem is that i had a decent job but had to leave it because i was

switched departments and i couldnt physically do the new job, so i had to

leave. now i have no job. I also have extra debt from my not working before

that i want to take care of like refinance some of it or something. I have 3

kids whom are all in college now. They r doing great.

I have overcome a lot in the last 2 years but still struggle with the job

aspect, im used to making more money and i have bills to pay. Im looking for

a job now that i can actually do physically, but anything i can do has less

pay. So i am really at a crossroads there.

On top of that my husband is just laid off from his job of 5 years. He get

85% of his wages so he is getting paid. Its just everything is wrong right

now. My daughter is away at college and i cant bear it without her too. and

my dog is handicapped on top of that. and also my father has cancer and its

not a recovering kind of cancer. So, pretty much everything is a mess right

now. I dont know really how to handle all these things that r wrong. I

have tried so hard to put everything behind me, but new roadblocks keep

popping up at every turn. Right now i am just looking for a new job or maybe

2 jobs so that i can keep up with everything and get my mind off of other

things. This has been a continually negative time for me but it has lasted

almost two years. I vow that i will turn this all around and i really mean

it and im working so hard to do so, but i just cant seem to get it all

together.

Sometimes you wonder if this is all my life will b for the next 4o years (

im 40 now) what is all the excitement about ????? Its not that great a life

really. I cant get a job that i want because either i cant do the job or if

i get the job they end up checking my sin number and get rid of me because

they find out i had a claim at compensation before. Its not fair and bad

things have happened to me not by my fault particularly but i didnt ask to

get injured or be in this situation. I would like to just finally get on

with my life and i would like to be happy. I havnt been happy for a long

time. Dont get me wrong my husband is great and helps me all the time. But i

havnt been able to contribute anything to this household for the past 2

years which is difficult, because that is why i have extra debt to pay back.

My plan is once i get a new job i can go and get some help to refinance

some of my debt and get paying it off as soon as i can. It guess i think its

all my fault that we r in this spot and im having a hard time changing

things. I just dont know why its so hard for ME to get back on the right

track with my finances and career and my emotions too. I am far to

emotional, i guess from being put thru all of this drama with my injury. I

am now permanently partially disabled and i hate that. I have to have help

with stuff. I really dont like getting help it makes me weak . I amlike mym

father very proud. For someone like me before the injury, i worked full time

and more , kept the house , did the yardwork, gardening , shopping , looked

after a herd of cows as well. Now everything just has fell apart. Even my

freind of 20 years that had gone missing from her home a few months ago, was

found 8 days later and we found out that she commited suicide in the bush

near her house. It was just shocking to us. You see its just a continuous

blurb of roadblocks and obstacles that i have to deal with on an ongoing

basis. I dont know what approach i should take , ive tried to be positive

and all of that. I just need some input or maybe a new direction to go. I

know one thing i have to find a new job right away. I am still going to

interviews and all that but not having much luck. Dont i sound like a loser

???? thanks for any advice you can give!!! I really need it. I cant live

the rest of my life like this or it wont even b worth the effort of getting

up in the morning. Laurie

Aunt B said,
Wow Laurie, you’ve got a plate full there. I’ve been where you are and in some ways, I still am. I have disabilities too. It is very hard to step down from making a good living, with a sense of self worth to little or nothing. Been there, done that. I still wrestle with a lot of the same things everyday, that you yourself mention. My Father died from the Big C, I know what you’re going through to a certain extent. You are now asking yourself; What more can I take, if any more?
Laurie, I’ve come to a crossroads in my life, where there’s not much more you could do to me that hasn’t been done and I mean that in every sense of the word. In that crossroads, I’ve found a lot of myself and it has shaped who I am and maybe who I will be. It also has afforded me the strength to say what’s on my mind, come what may. I’ve learned from most of my mistakes, gleaned what I could from things that have happened to me in the past and applied it to my Wisdom file.
You may feel right now that there’s nothing to learn here but Oooooh there is. Now, we just have to find what it is and why? This will, of course, have to be a personal journey for you. I’m here and you have other people in your life who may support you. But ultimately, this is your fight, right? If you’ve read anything about me, you’d know that I went to prison, battled heroin addiction, been raped, beaten and seriously injured. I shot my husband because of his beatings. You have to know that I’ve been through so much. I often wondered in desperation, just what the hell was going on and why me? Let me tell you what I’ve learned;

When you stop believing in luck coincidence or magic, you begin to see a plan for your life from a Higher Power. It’s like a puzzle and each, incident, accident, situation, moment, life in general happenstance, is actually a piece to the Puzzle of Life. With each new adventure and we’ll call it that, you get a new piece of the puzzle, the Puzzle of Life, the Big Picture. It’s much like a treasure hunt, look for the pieces in a whole new light and begin to put it together. These things that are happening in your life are for a reason. What is the reason?

This is actually the most important thing you’ll read and I mean that. I began to put my puzzle together and no longer said, why me? Instead, I chose to look at it in all it’s rawness and mold it into a teaching tool and learn from it. When I began to ascertain wisdom from these things, these awful things that had happened, I also began to own it and take back my power. Now, don’t think for one minute that I never have calamity in my life. Quite on the contrary, I always have challenges and often feel I’m climbing constantly, one mountain after another.
When I cried out from the very depths of my soul, my Higher Power heard. A simple statement. I don’t know what your belief system is but you should incorporate a positive force in your life and ask for help, really ask for help. It is a calming power. You may very well be angry right now, understandably so. Ask for a calm spirit and ask for wisdom. Seek and you shall find. It is true, if you seek it, you’ll find it. If you don’t have a belief, I’ll pray that you find something and you’re able to find calm assurance in your life.
Do you feel your pride has been smashed? Boy, do I know how that feels. Prison has a way of taking your pride as well as not being able to do the things you’re accustomed to doing because of injury. It’s another simple answer; You should not have pride and it will be broken. Is that the lesson, you need to learn? Is it that you’ve only relied on yourself or husband for all in life? Did you notice that I said I went throught the same things? Not coincedence!
I am not here to preach only to offer you some tools. Put all that in your tool belt along with this: what will it hurt for you to take 5-10-15-20 minutes of your day, go into a quiet room.Be selfish with this time and afford it to yourself. Light some candles. Put on a comfy cover, blanket. Begin to breathe slowly. Take a long slow breath in through your nose and blow it slowly through your mouth as if cooling a spoon of soup. Quiet your mind and take yourself to a place you envision that is safe, a mental picture. Maybe you are walking on the beach or sitting against an old knobby tree wherever you go, make it a safe haven and purge your mind of all this garbage and pain. I call it prayer, you may call it whatever you want but begin to find things to be grateful for, even in this miserable situation. each time you do this, find a new one, a new reason to be joyful. What makes you smile? Was it that baby, looking up at you with unconditional love and trust? Do you remember those times? So, it is with my Higher Power, I look up and He looks back at me with unconditional love and I begin to trust. A smile comes to my face. Then, I just mentally talk and ask for answers and wisdom. I ask what it is that I need to learn. I walk out with renewed strength and hope. It only works if you do it, Laurie. I think you are a very reasonable person. Right now, you may feel so helpless that you may even scoff at what I’ve said. The healing will begin when you read this and began to ingest it. I guarantee that you will feel better, every time you incorporate these principles till it’s as natural as breathing. It becomes second nature.
As I said, this is a personal journey, you are not alone if you truly look for the answers. But I know you can do this and there are answers.
Laurie, I don’t know a lot but I know a little and this has worked for me. I hope I’ve helped, please let me know in the comments, ok and stay in touch. Let the healing begin!

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Take Back Control

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Jazz writes…

Aunt B,
I stumbled upon your other blog and then came here. I listened intently to your talk about rape. It was painful and it is what I’m living with right now. Such hurt and pain, I can’t even say how bad it is. They haven’t got the guy yet, he’s still out there. They may never catch him. I was not hurt badly, not physically but mentally it is devastating. I couldn’t face anyone or go back to work and my life, as I knew it is a shambles. I am married, for two years now. I can see, even though he says it’s not true, that my husband looks at me differently. Does he think I liked it or wanted it? I don’t think so but something is different. Am I damaged? I went to get an AIDS test, it was negative but I still wonder. This is killing me slowly. Very slowly.

Aunt B said,

Jazz Darlin’, you are in a hell, I know but you have to work through this and take your life back. Let’s have a cup of tea and talk…

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

To Thine Own Self Be True

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I left a comment on a dear friends blog concerning the guilt she carries. She has some heavy baggage, she really does. But there are times in our lives me must think of ourselves. It’s not selfish to end a relationship that you are not happy in. Her daughter is not happy with her decision to leave her father and especially because she is in a gay relationship; Double Wammy!!

Aunt B said…
“I agree with your Angel Advisor. Let go of the

guilt,

that does not come from God. So, ask yourself, where

does it come from? Ask me and I’ll tell you if you

don’t know!”

Miranda said…
I know that doesnt come from God. But I think the

guilt comes from me having changed all their lives.

It was me that ’split up’ the family, he attempted

suicide by o.d.ing on insulin. He’s been depressed

since, not coming out of it.

Anyway thats another long story. My question is how

do I get rid of the guilt, how do I stop blaming myself

for my kid’s anger? Especially Kat’s who blames me

for her dad’s state. I think thats where all the guilt

come from. Seeing their unhappiness, I think thats

what makes it hard for me to be happy. Knowing that

they are not happy. Any suggestions? I think if I

can get over that I can get through the guilt shit.

Guilt is a card that can be played on me so bad. It is

definately something I need to get over.

Thanks for everything, and your support.

Miranda

Aunt B said…
Miranda have a seat and let’s try to let go of some of that guilt. I know this weighs so heavy on your mind that it has made you sick before. It’s all a matter of putting things into perspective. That goes for you and Kat. Respect her feelings BUT put it in perspective so she may understand…
PART ONE

PART TWO

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Never Run And Tell Mama

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Dear Aunt B,

I know you as Babs but I like this Aunt B idea.My wife and I both read your blog, now and then for some time. So please only call me Leo ok? My wife gets drunk alot lately and she can be nasty and we fight. She calls her mother and tells her everything I’ve even heard her talking to her. Now her mother hates me and only sees her side of the story and I’m not going to confront her mother about it. But her family hates me now and I know that’s why we don’t go over for supper anymore. I love my wife Babs, what can I do?
Leo

Aunt B said…
Ok Leo, let’s look at this and figure out any possibilities in a bad situation…

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

Aunt B’s Bitch Belt

Definition of a Bitch and or Bitch Belt

*I want you to wear one of Aunt B’s Bitch Belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I’m talking about is not what some people think or understand. I’m talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we’ve, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or “I am woman, hear me roar.” But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a “Bitch.” I’m wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. And I hope you will as well…Get my drift? We’re not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We’re “The New Woman” and we’re standing proud. We’re pedigree without the pretentiousness.

The 2008 version of Bitch, “Says what she means, means what she says and tries not to say it too mean.” She’s a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else’s expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he’s a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you’ll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won’t give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date.

Get the word out;
Link to Ask Aunt B today…

Free Advice; Ask Aunt B

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Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!